Back to work after 12 years. Dd2 crying her eyes out every night.

(63 Posts)
Verycold Mon 27-May-13 22:15:13

I am starting in September. She will be 10 but she is soooo upset at me not taking her to school anymore, not picking her up. It kills me! Feel like throwing in the towel already!

JewelFairies Mon 27-May-13 22:22:26

I thought you'd say she is 3 not 10. I don't know your dd but to me it sounds like she is trying to blackmail you into staying at home. I'd try to get to the bottom of her tears but also make it very clear to her that this is not negotiable and you will go back to work. It's going to a change for all of you, not just her- maybe you could tell her about your own mixed feelings but emphasise that you really want to give it a go.

Verycold Mon 27-May-13 22:25:35

I know it seems crazy. She is very attached to me and she hates change. She says she is happy for me and during the day she is fine, but at bedtime she gets all worried.

JewelFairies Mon 27-May-13 22:30:01

Oh and forgot to say congratulations on your job! No mean feat at the moment (took me ages to get work after three years off) smile.
It does sound like she has quite a bit of anxiety about the change. I'd definitely take her fears seriously but also remain firm (don't let her know you thought about throwing in the towel).

Purpleprickles Mon 27-May-13 22:33:12

It sounds like she is just, like you say, fearful of the change. I remember being equally upset when my own DM got called for jury service when I was a similar age smile She had always been a stay at home mum so the idea of her not being there after school was very shock to me. I of course got over it, it was just a change, albeit for a short time, to my little world.

I'd just suggest lots of reassurance and preparation which I'm sure you are already doing. Good luck.

Verycold Mon 27-May-13 22:35:31

Thank you. I don 't know how I did it frankly! I do feel very torn, I have loved being a Sahm and would continue being one till they all leave home if I could then be sure to find work after, but I know that's not really possible. hmm Now it's half term and they are around it's so easy to doubt my decision, but when they are all at school I find the days very unfulfilling. The job has more hours than I would ideally like as well, but it was that or nothing...

EuroShaggleton Mon 27-May-13 22:35:44

I did this when I was 5! My mum didn't take the job and never got back to work later on. It has caused her a lot of unhappiness. I say just crack on!

Verycold Mon 27-May-13 22:43:46

Keep it coming smile

JewelFairies Mon 27-May-13 23:02:33

I would definitely give it a go. If you all find it tough six months in you may be able to negotiate hours/days or rethink the whole idea. Good luck smile

VivaLeBeaver Mon 27-May-13 23:13:14

She will get used to it and I bet it won't be half as bad as she thinks it will be.

Once she starts secondary school you may both feel that she'll be able to let herself in after school as well which will help. Is she worried about child minder/after school club at the minute?

Verycold Mon 27-May-13 23:16:55

It will most likely be her grandmother looking after her and ds, dd1 is at secondary and quite independent.

Verycold Tue 28-May-13 06:38:26

Can't sleep hmm I had really hoped that she would be more positive about it...

PoppyWearer Tue 28-May-13 06:50:58

My 4yo did this to me last year when I did a bit of work (only for a short period of time). My advice would be to crack on. She will get used to it.

I speak as someone whose DMum went back to work when I was about 7yo. I took it very much in my stride.

Not easy, I know. Good luck.

exoticfruits Tue 28-May-13 06:56:58

She will be going to secondary school soon and you won't be doing the school run anyway.

Thingymajigs Tue 28-May-13 07:06:28

My ds is like this too. He's 10 in September and I've just started a voluntary job during school hours. He was more than happy with this until he found out I was thinking about taking a paid role with longer hours after the summer holidays. He is very clingy. I don't know if your dd is the same but he doesn't like the idea of going somewhere after school such as an after school club. I'm trying to find someone who can pick him up instead. I think though that if we both just put our foot down they will eventually get used to it. They will need to become more independant very shortly anyway.

muriel76 Tue 28-May-13 07:22:52

Stick with it! She will get used to it. I think it's really important as a parent to acknowledge your child's feelings about this kind of thing but still stay with the plan.

You are teaching her that even if you are really worried about something and think it's going to be awful, it can work out fine (which I am sure it will) She feels horrible now but she will gain confidence from coping with this experience.

I have worked a mixture of FT and PT since having children and have had various upsets over arrangements but it has worked out fine in the end. And (this is not a dig honestly) I did not have the option of jacking it in so had to just plough ahead and being as reassuring as possible as I had to earn.

Good luck I am sure you will both feel better once you have started , waiting for this kind of thing is never fun.

Congratulations on your new job smile

Verycold Tue 28-May-13 07:26:31

Maybe I shouldn't have told her yet! I had hoped she would react more like dd2, who is quite proud that she will have a mother who works for the first time.

muriel76 Tue 28-May-13 07:28:58

That's a tricky one as she needs time to get used to it. Also you weren't to know how she would react.

Jinsei Tue 28-May-13 07:29:56

You're doing her a favour. Learning how to deal with change is one of life's most important lessons. She might not welcome it now, but if you support her through that change, she will come out the other side a much stronger and more resilient person.

She needs to understand that nothing stays the same forever, and that change will be a constant feature in her life. Give her the skills and the confidence to cope with that, and you'll be setting her up for a much happier life in the long run.

Congratulations on your new job! smile

Smartiepants79 Tue 28-May-13 07:33:12

Don't give in to the emotional blackmail!
She is just wary of the change and used to having you at her beck and call.
Can your other daughter/partner/mother have a word?
Try and find out why she is so upset but explain how important this is to you. That you are proud of yourself and hoped she will be too?
She will be fine.
If Granny is picking up she will be spoiled rotten!

Beckamaw Tue 28-May-13 07:36:37

This is a tough one.
I have worked through 3 children, other than maternity leave. DC2 was quite unhappy that I was going back to work this time.
I just explained the benefits of Mummy working, giving examples of the nice things we have that we couldn't have otherwise. Once I was actually back at work, the issues seemed to be quickly dismissed. It hasn't been mentioned once in the last 6months.

Try not to worry too much.

Verycold Tue 28-May-13 07:41:25

I try to explain to her how amazing it is that I got a job at all after all that time... Really thought I'd never work again after such a long break!

BeckAndCall Tue 28-May-13 07:47:05

Please don't give it up!

Your DD is 10, she's not an only child, you're not turning her into a 'latch key kid' ( which is what we used to be called back in the day!), she won't be lonely and very soon her life will be changing when she goes to secondary school.

You're showing her responsibility, following your dreams, contributing to the economy and the family funds, and taking change in your stride. Those are good things to learn.

Graceparkhill Tue 28-May-13 07:49:44

September is a long time away and she may well feel differently by then.
I have friends with DDs of a similar age and their girls are desperate to walk to school alone.

ohforfoxsake Tue 28-May-13 07:57:39

Well done on the new job.

She has plenty of time to get used to it, and has been lucky to have had you at home for so long. Another year and she'll be at secondary school and becoming more independent herself.

Like you, I've not worked for 12 years and I can't imagine anyone giving me a job in this market. Please don't give the job up - for one thing its a very positive thing for our DCs (and DDs in particular) to see that you can be both a SAHM, a WOHM and a person who is more than their mum (my children are flabbergasted that I once had a career). I really hope that I can do the same as you. smile

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