anyone else had to deal with difficult colleague?

[thebecster]

One of my colleagues is reacting really strangely to my pregnancy. I guess it?s not that strange, as she?s mentioned in the past that she really wants kids & her partner doesn?t (she?s 41). But it?s really getting me down. Eg. of comments ?you?re going to be really fat aren?t you? You?re going to have to be careful. What does (my DH) think about you getting so fat?? (I do have a very pronounced ?bump? but I?m not fat) and then when we were discussing adding a junior role to the dept. ?That would be a good role for a mother ? not too demanding. Perhaps you could do it when you come back?? and today, when she was talking about a client ?I noticed when she came back from maternity leave, she?s really lost it. These mothers can?t really cope. They become so difficult and aggressive.? She?s also started delegating her work to my assistant, instead of her own, as if my work is suddenly not important now that I?m pg. Aaargh! Has anyone else had to deal with this? She?s at exactly the same level as me ? not senior or junior. Anyone got any suggestions?

[spruceylucy5]

Ignore her, shes jealous! Just try and distance yourself from her. Although you will have to sort out the delegation thing, not quite sure about how to handle that one, you'll probably just have to tell her to stop as you assistant has enough work of her/his own.

[Caligyulea]

Go to HR and complain about her.

[MARINAtivityPlay]

Just because she is on the same grade as you, it does not prevent some of this from possibly being being workplace harassment or bullying.
Are you in a union, with a rep? They can give fantastic confidential advice without you making it official with your HR department. But HR departments can be great too - we are lucky with ours. If you do go to them, maybe focus on the delegation issues at first, because that is cut and dried and can be dealt with quickly.
Dh gets this from someone who "doesn't want screamy dirty little kids" too, and manages to deal with it because he knows that what this person means is "my partner refused to let us have any". Big protestations of enthusiasm for childlessness can hide a world of heartache, not that this excuses this stupid woman.

[handlemecarefully]

I wouldn't go straight to HR, I'd take a deep breath and then try and talk to her about how all this is making you feel....then if that doesn't work, I'd go to HR

[Enideepmidwinter]

poor you. How pg are you?

If I were you I would really try to rise above it, but make a secret note of everything she says. Try and bring other colleagues attention to it and get yourself some back up. It is bullying behaviour, probably because she is jealous.

I would have a direct word with her about delegating to your assistant, and while you are doing it mention that you need your assistant to be on top of all YOUR work as you need a smooth handover to your maternity replacement so that things are still running well WHEN YOU GET BACK FROM MATERNITY LEAVE.

silly cow she sounds horrible

[feastofsteven]

poor you. sounds like she's very jealous of you. agree completely with enid re:writing absolutely everything down.

[MARINAtivityPlay]

The union will recommend writing it all down too - and try and goad her into putting some of this tripe in e-mails...

[Nightynight]

Gather as much evidence as possible
Get a voice recorder and use it when she's around. You can save the stuff in wave files on your pc. Not admissable in court, but an attachment to an email of complaint will probably be listened to, and may convince managers that you arent just imagining things.
Keep HR informed regularly.
Join a union.

[Nightynight]

You can ignore the jealousy, but not the suggestion that you should be pushed into an undemanding role.

[thebecster]

I'm 16 weeks. I'm going to try to talk to her directly about it like ENID & handlemecarefully say... Difficult as she isn't the most emotionally stable person, and I'm bursting at the seams with pg hormones which make me prone to stroppy outbursts! Nightynight is dead right - I can put up with a lot, but the idea that I won't be able to do my job REALLY pushes my buttons! Come to think of it, I suspect she's also feeling vulnerable because we work to targets, and I know she's only at 50% of her target for end Jan, and I'm at 125% of mine, so maybe she's trying to find a weak spot via my pregnancy, as well as being jealous of my starting a family as well. Quite sad for her really, when I'm not seething with resentment

[Enideepmidwinter]

I would not tackle her directly until she says something else. If she tries to laugh it off it will make you SEETHE and I bet she will. She will also deny it and say you are paranoid. Bullies work that way.

I WOULD tackle her directly about the work load for your assistant though - keep it work related.

She sounds so jealous of you it isnt true so please try and diminish her in your mind, easier said than done I know.

[BluStocking]

I agree with those who say it's jealousy, and to ignore it as far as possible. But, I would also take some form of official action - not necessarily a complaint at this stage, but do something to let either your Line Manager or HR know about it. Especially the delegation stuff.

This is because I suspect she may capitalise on your maternity leave to undermine your position and strengthen her own (sorry - don't mean to add to your worries) - so I think they need to know what she is up to.

[OComeOliveFaithfOil]

Try to ignore the jibes re being fat (hello? pregant? dur!) and the remarks about other mothers being rubbish etc, this is just flotsam on the office air. She sounds jealous and is maybe more to be pitied.

But I would pull her up on her overloading your assistant, not in a big scene but just 'oh X is really snowed under at the moment with project Blah, so can you let me know before you pass any work over so I can check if she has any spare time. THANKS!!!'.

In a previous life when I had a career and an assistant (!), I didn't pull a colleague up on this and my assistant ending up photocopying for an hour while I seethed. Stop her in her tracks now.

[BluStocking]

And I agree with Enid.

[chipmonksRoastingOnAnOpenFire]

Oh dear, you really are everything she wants to be, aren't you, a great employee and a Mum to boot! Stupid of her to make digs at you like that. Talk to her but stay calm, don't lose your cool and make it clear that you WILL be coming back to the same role. Poor you, this is all you need when you're pg!

[thebecster]

I just mentioned her delegating work to my assistant - it came up in conversation and our other colleagues were there. She said she had no idea she was doing it, but then said she did it because my assistant is better (yup, 'cos I trained her better and I manage her better, whereas my colleague treats her assistant like she's a 2nd class citizen and constantly criticises her). Anyway think the message went across even if it was a slightly difficult moment. And... I can feel my baby moving for the first time!!! So I could care less about the silly woman

[bosscatsroastingonanopenfire]

she sounds very jealous and probably just can't help herself making horrible little digs. I wouldn't let those bother me I'd just think "sad cow" but I would really not let her push me round in my job or undermine me in any way. You have to take action if she does that and I agree wholeheartedly with writing everything down and also tackling her. She can't be allowed to get away with that. I've had a colleague who was the same level as me who made CONSTANT comments about how working mothers had it easy, always leaving at 5pm and wanting to work the local courts (I'm a solicitor) to fit in with childcare. He did this at the Christmas party just after he was made a partner and was technically then my boss and I really lost it. I walked out of the bar, into my office and typed an email immediately to one of the equity partners saying I expected him to deal with this immediately and for this person to be reprimanded or I was taking it further. I was amazed they took it so seriously. To be honest I don't think they gave a fig if my feelings were hurt they just thought he was an idiot for making them liable to a sex harrassment/discrimination claim. They made him apologise to me and then kept checking that he had and that I was happy with it. He actually turned out to be a star afterwards and was really good to me when I had a m/c and needed time off work. Hopefully it taught him a lesson or made him think.

[WhenAChildIsBored]

I had a colleague who behaved like this. I'm no wimp but it really did upset me - I think it hurt me most because I'd assumed everyone would just be happy for me. Don't let her spoil a single moment of your pregnancy; chances are you are not the first person to be on the sharp end of her attitude and others are probably already aware of the sort of embittered old cow who makes remarks like that!! She can't see how obvious her envy is, poor dear. But it is. I think:

1. You will have ample opportunity to prove to her and everyone else that you can do your job just fine, baby or no baby!
   
   
2. What goes around comes around...one of these days she will get pregnant herself and be so delighted she won't be recognisable!! What fun!!!
   
   3 It's unfortunate the way some childless people choose to portray mothers as wet bovine creatures whose brains have turned to Sudocrem and whose conversational abilities extend to haemorrhoids and the ideal consistency of baby rice, but it's the start of a lifetime of defending yourself and your children against ignorant bigoted cretins, so you might as well get good at it now! (Don't know if it's your first baby, don't mean to be patronising, sorry...but I've got two and I still get really intimidated by people assuming I function at the level of a house brick)
   
   And congratulations!!!

[Chloe55]

She does sound very jealous, I'm about to tell you to try and rise above it although that would be VERY hypocritical considering the thread I started a short while ago! But in theory I guess she needs feeling sorry for as she is obviously so full of envy that she is being a bitch about it. If she is undermining your ability to work though that's another matter and should def be confronted.

[nickiey]

Just saym "Yes you must be so pleased to know that you wont ever have this problem-now that you are a bit passed it for having a family-throughout this pregnancy I'll bet you look on and be so releived!"