I feel the exhaustion coming on already!

[var123]

Yesterday DS1 (age 12) tearfully begged me to have a conversation with him. To cut a long story short, it turns out that he's been feeling lonely and starved of conversation for a while.

I am a SAHM mum but I've been busy these last few months, so when he's at home, I've been leaving him to amuse himself. He talks to boys at school but only a couple of words here and there, in between lessons.

What is exhausting me is what he wants to talk about: anything as long as its grown up. So, yesterday, I spent an hour whilst I was making dinner describing the events and implications of the Arab spring, with reference to the Tunis museum attacks last week.
Then we watched the documentary 5 broken cameras on netflix together.
Today, he has asked me to explain bond pricing to him.

I know this sounds like a first world problem, but he was really upset because he's so bored. Whenever we go out somewhere as a family, he wants to be doing something, like bowling or visiting a museum (which DS2 hates).

I don't think i can keep up even though Dh has said he'll help. I just don't have enough general knowledge. We know these are not normal 12 year old interests, so the chances of finding a friend his own age to engage with like this are not very high.

[kelda]

Do you have a library close by? Take him there and tell him to read the archived newspapers etc.

[var123]

We do have a library nearby. And I subscribed to "The Week" today as that usually gives a good analysis.

After he's learned about it, he wants someone to talk to about it all though. He seems to crave the human interaction, and the additional problem is that he is shy.

[var123]

Even if he went to a super-selective grammar, he wouldn't find many year 8 boys who'd want to talk about this stuff, would he? (I am questioning whether we made a bad choice of school - its a good comprehensive).

[Muskey]

No advice just I know a little bit of how you feel. DD is 11 and is trying desperately to fit in even pretending that she doesn't know stuff so people don't think that she is odd.

[kelda]

Other ideas - chess clubs, orchestras (if he plays an instrument), debating groups - all places he might find other like minded children.

[pieceofpurplesky]

No he wouldn't. The majority of 12 year old boys want to talk about Minecraft, football, GTA (?) and girls. I have an 11 year old just like yours - he watches war documentaries on YouTube and can tell you all about politics, poverty and population control in China. He hates football but does like Lego and minecraft. He still plays a lot too ...
I am a single mum and DS never stays at his dad's (dad choice). What does his dad do?
I have recently discovered the joy of box sets on TV - getting DS to watch things that he can think and talk about - not talking breaking bad or GOT here by the way! But we are watching Forever at the moment and it leads to all sorts of philosophical discussions, we read, we watch the news together ..
My DS us far from gifted and talented educationally but is way beyond his peers emotionally and intellectually (I agreed with his teacher when she told me that)

[var123]

The funny thing is some of the teachers think Ds is uninterested in their subjects because he just sits still and listens without asking or answering questions.

He's been left off the list of a few G&T out of school trips for this reason. I don't think there is a way of reassuring them about this is there? I doubt it would go down well if I were to tell them "oh no, DS is very interested, its just that he wishes you'd pick up the pace and not gloss over the details".

[pieceofpurplesky]

I mean what does your DH do ... You say he offered to help - is he your son's dad? If so he shouldn't be offering to help he should just be doing it ...

[Hakluyt]

Well, my ds goes to a secondary modern and is interested in stuff like that- why do you think other 12 year olds wouldn't be? The thing is to be interested in lots of other things too- even grown ups don't want all their conversations to be intense. So over the past few days my ds and I have talked about abortion, Jeremy Clarkson, Lily Cole, Masterchef, the eclipse, the coming elections, UKIP, rugby, the concept of self in Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, why I don't find Russell Howard the funniest man on TV, football........to name but a few.

[BrianButterfield]

Is there a sixth form at his school? Might his head of year or house be able to buddy him up with some sixth formers of a similar type? There might be a mentor system in the school already and it's a good thing for the older boys to do, both for themselves and for UCAS applications...

[var123]

Chess club - no. Ds2 beats him every time so he Ds1 has an objection to it.
Debating club - I suggested that today.
Musical instrument -he doesn't play but I am trying to encourage him to learn the guitar for lots of reasons. Now I have another one, it will use up some of his free time and give him something to focus his attention on.

any others?

[var123]

Ds1 tells me that the other boys are interested in football and online games (esp minecraft). Some of them like Top Gear too and one boy we know is now interested in girls. Two others have maths as a hobby.
As this describes Ds2 and his friends, i thought it sounded like a reasonable list.

The thing is, DS likes to be given a sort of potted lesson in the subject. Maybe I need to hard wire him into Radio 4!

[var123]

BrianButterfield - the school does have a 6th form. What you suggest would be a good idea if the sixth former was willing. Should I start with asking DS's form tutor whether there may be a mentor system?

[Panicmode1]

My 10 year old is like this and has found primary school hard because he's just not interested in football (or sport generally!) but reads rapaciously, loves chess and by his own admission is a "bit of a geek". I am hoping when he starts at (superselective) grammar in Sept, he will meet like minded boys....

My DS enjoys How This Works magazine, he does play Minecraft, though less often these days and is really enjoying learning coding. Is your DS into computers - would a raspberry pi be a good idea to keep him entertained? Or some of the TED talks which you could watch together and discuss over supper...completely understand how hard it is though - I have four (he's the eldest) and sometimes feel he takes a disproportionate amount of my run time!

[YAsoNBU]

Has he come across any of the TED talks - lots of engaging content there.
Also the Khan Academy has some fabulous stuff.

Not really an answer for the social interaction though.

[TheFallenMadonna]

When you say he wants to talk about "anything as long as it's grown up", what do you mean? Is that your spin, or his?

[Hakluyt]

So (forgive me in advance if this sounds like any sort of criticism- it isn't intended to be) he doesn't actually want conversation- he wants information. Maybe the think to do is do what my father called "run and find out", then discuss it when he's up to speed with the facts? I would find being used as a sort of walking Wikipedia incredibly exhausting and annoying- but I am happy to discuss and swap opinions for ages. Does he need to practice his conversational skills a bit?

[claraschu]

I have a son who was like this when he was your son's age. Now that he is at University he has friends who share his interests.

My son got bullied because he let other kids know that he was bored by their (boring) conversations about Minecraft and telly. If your son has friends who are not annoyed by him, and if he can understand that being clever in the way that he naturally is does not make him better than anyone else, he is actually doing very well, I think.

Schools are not set up to encourage his kind of intellectual curiosity, so I would look elsewhere. A small drama class with mixed ages (mostly older) was great for us, as was a mixed age orchestra (I know that's not for you). As your son gets older, there are opportunities to volunteer that can put him in contact with people of all ages, but that is probably a few years down the line.

I guess my advice, if you don't mind me wandering off from your original question, is to make sure that in your quest for intellectual stimulation, and in your very natural feelings of pride in your son's wonderful mind, you never let your son become snobbish about other kids his age. I'm not in any way saying that you are doing this, but it is a big risk when you have a very clever child.

[littlesupersparks]

I think an older mentor would be a great idea - try talking to the school. Our school is well set up for this due to vertical tutor groups (students from y7 to y13 all in the same class)

[var123]

Hakluyt - he called it conversation, but yes, you are right, it was 90% me talking.

He likes to ask questions and make connections with something he knows already, but it is more about consuming than sharing.

However, when he makes those connections, he likes/ needs to have someone to bounce his ideas off.

DH has more world knowledge than me. I am hoping he will keep his promise and step in. I know he is worried about Ds1's social skills (I am too) and usually that's what he's motivated to have long talks with Ds1 about.

It would be nice to show off about this, but I don't because I don't think I contributed much to it. Also it would be very difficult not to come across as very big headed and boastful, which turns people off. Finally, who would I tell that would believe me???

DS doesn't seem to see it as something to boast about either. He is sometimes surprised that other Dc have no knowledge of something or other, but I think he just assumes that they also know stuff that he doesn't so it all balances out. It rarely comes up in class discussions because the questions are usually directly related to what has just been taught. the teachers say he is doing well, but again they are only testing what they have taught him.

[MiniTheMinx]

I don't know how unusual his interests are, seem fairly normal to me. If he wants to know about bond pricing it seems logical to go to the internet and google. Do you let him use the internet?

Sounds like he interested in ethics, the humanities and human sciences incl economics? Why not suggest to the school a debating club, look for online Moocs, order some books, split family day occasionally and ask Dh to take Ds to museums whilst you have the other child.

[kelda]

Access to information is far easier now then it ever has been. If you listen to successful authors such as Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, they all say they spents their childhoods in the local library, reading. They had to search and find the information they wanted to learn.

Now, in 2015, it is far easier, questions can be answered immediately by google, hence your ds1 wanting you to do the talking for him. My dd1 is similar, will ask a lot of questions, but retains very little of what I say. I tell her to look it up and read herself, and make a project about it. Information that she has searched for herself will be better retained and processed.

My dd1 also finds it hard socially and is far better when she is occupied with an activity - hence my suggestionfs of chess club, orchestra, bands. Another option is drama club or language club.

[var123]

Football, human geography, history and geo-politics have been big things. He also likes maths, human biology, chemistry, astronomy, psychology and cars.

The elements of bond pricing question was just because DH was talking about something Ds1 didn't understand, so he asked me after DH went out. I managed a simple bond fund for a while and I had to market it too, so I was able to answer in plain english. Maybe this describes what its like though. He asked me and I said i'd explain it sometime if he wants. He said yes. Then i went to the kitchen to load the washing machine and when i came back (having forgotten about it) he was eagerly waiting for me to get started!

[var123]

Yes, he's allowed free access to the internet. I look over his shoulder sometimes but I don't really monitor what he's doing - he's not into girls yet IYSWIM!

[var123]

and literature. i forgot reading.