Dealing with feelings of inadequacy and envy

[SixImpossible]

Dc1 is G&T, top of top sets, constantly winning awards, being invited to special events etc.

Dc2 is bright and able, but not G&T.

Dc1 also has an extremely positive attitude to schoolwork, whereas dc2 loves school but resents homework.

TBH dc1 has a generally positive attitude to most things, whereas dc2 is quite a negative, defeatist person.

They go to the same school. We thought long and hard about having dc2 follow dc1 into that school, but decided in the end that it was the right school for both children.

So how can we support dc2:

• to develop a more open, positive attitude
  
• to have greater self-belief
  
• to not be jealous of the attention paid to dc1 by the school
  
• to stop judging themselves against dc1's achievements
  
• to stop feeling put-upon because dc1 appears to have more free time than them, and doesn't get told to do homework (dc1 generally stays after school to get their homework done in the library, therefore dc1 is generally totally free at home).

[Snapespotions]

It's hard following in the footsteps of a very talented sibling, even if you are gifted yourself, let alone if you're not.

I don't have any solutions for you, luckily I only have one child! but I noticed this pattern in my friends' dc a couple of years ago - very similar to the situation you describe. It is still an issue to some extent, but the one thing that has made a significant difference has been for the second dc to start an activity that's totally different from anything that her sister does, and that gets her quite a lot of attention of her own. I think it has definitely helped her confidence to be the special one in her own way, and to have something where her DSis doesn't outshine her. The growth in confidence has, in turn, helped to reduce the resentment.

[var123]

DS2 (age 10) is a bit like this. IMO he is equally bright as DS1, but obviously they are different people with slightly different strengths, plus Ds1 is a couple of school years ahead.

I described the Op to DS2 this morning when I was driving him to school, and I got an interesting insight into why. He said that its impossible for the younger one to catch up so its better not to try to compete rather than lose.

Then I asked him what will happen to the younger one when all this not trying means that he starts to fall behind. Ds2 replied that as soon as your Dc2 gets a warning from having done badly in a few tests, s/he will start putting in the effort again.

So, I was originally going to reply that its about self-confidence and you need to praise Dc2 and raise their self-esteem, but i am going to do the opposite for my own family and ask DS2's class teacher to mark him hard for a few tests.

[MagratsHair]

marking place to comment later when I'm home

[MagratsHair]

OK sorry about that.

I can see the same thing happening with my 2 as DS1 is very similar to yours & achieves highly without putting much effort in. Without trying to compare them I can see that DS2 is not on the same reading level or on the same tables in the classroom that DS1 was on at the same age.

So my plan is for DS2 to shine somewhere that's not academic so he's not in DS1's shadow. Perhaps a sport, or art, an instrument or a martial art or something else that DS1 does not have any experience in. Somewhere that's DS2's totally & he won't be compared to his brother.

Also I'll try not to compare them or say to DS2 'I wish you were like your brother' or hold DS1 up as an example, that sort of thing. I'll say to DS2 that he's talented in his own way & that's every bit as important as receiving an award & that I'm proud of him as he is.

:)

[SixImpossible]

var123, wow - that is one mature and insightful child!

I can see it applying to my dc2, because of their pessimism. Unfortunately I think being marked down would not give dc2 the kick up the bum, but rather convince them that they are useless.

Dc2 does do two activities that dc1 does not: I have finally persuaded them to study a different musical inrtument, and they do a different sport. But TBH although dc2 loves their activities, they do not shine at either.

Throughout primary dc2 has been on the same tables as dc1 was. They had almost identical SATs results. But dc1 was identified as G&T almost from day one. At primary it did not seem to matter. They were very low-key about it.

At 2ry dc1 has absolutely blossomed. Suddenly dc2 has become very aware of how different dc1 is.

[var123]

That's a nice to thing to say, SixImpossible

If DC2 can't excel at the extra-curricular things, then how about playing up his generous spirit, ability to make friends easily, musical tastes, artistic ability, common sense etc., etc.

Basically emphasise anything that will make him feel good about himself and distract him from thinking he has lost in a competition with DC1 that never existed. (Even better if you can persuade DC1 to ask DC2's advice or help with something).