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The surprisingly normal life of the Teacake family

(236 Posts)
tunnocksteacake Tue 04-Mar-14 22:16:46

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HectorVector Tue 04-Mar-14 22:20:33

smile

yay

NormHonal Tue 04-Mar-14 22:23:31

Lovely update smile.

Wickeddevil Tue 04-Mar-14 22:26:03

Lovely to see your update. Good luck with tomorrow's meeting.
flowers

furlinedsheepskinjacket Tue 04-Mar-14 22:30:47

smile

I bloody love normal

Mirandafart Wed 05-Mar-14 16:40:12

Been thinking of you Teacakes, amazing update :-))

Toomuch2young Wed 05-Mar-14 16:41:56

I'm glad that your family are doing well flowers

TheFutureSupremeRulersMum Wed 05-Mar-14 16:45:31

smile

magimedi Wed 05-Mar-14 17:20:06

Always lovely to hear from you, Tunnocks & even nicer to hear you sounding so upbeat.

zen1 Wed 05-Mar-14 17:29:53

Have been following your threads. Normal is very, very good. Long may it continue for you smile

tunnocksteacake Wed 05-Mar-14 21:24:11

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magimedi Wed 05-Mar-14 22:52:20

Crying is not bad - in fact crying is good - it is a great release.

I hope you get a really good sleep tonight, Tunnocks.

I hold you & yours in my thoughts every day - even though I don't know you.

tunnocksteacake Sat 08-Mar-14 17:52:28

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tunnocksteacake Sat 08-Mar-14 17:53:31

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magimedi Sat 08-Mar-14 19:46:26

Yay!! for phased return to work.

Your mother should not be out of hope - put her right if she is.

I need to know what colours you painted the treehouse. I am guessing at yellow being one of them?

I so hope you are having the lovely weather we have here in Sussex.

Enjoy your Sunday - all the Tunnocks.

aleC4 Sat 08-Mar-14 19:46:37

Sounds like a fab normal day Tunnocks. You're posts are so inspiring and your house sounds like such a happy one in spite of the difficult times. I love hearing about what you, your dc and your amazing dh have been up to.

MarieJeanne Sat 08-Mar-14 19:53:12

Never knock normal, normal is fab
I always try to remember this when boredom and dissatisfaction set in.

So glad for normal at TeacakeTowers. Think of you dudes often.

Work. Visitors. Baking. Park. Avoiding DM. Same here. Tis dead normal wink

Dilidali Sat 08-Mar-14 20:06:32

wine for normality. Cheers!

tunnocksteacake Sat 08-Mar-14 20:31:07

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AnxiousAugusta Sun 09-Mar-14 15:22:24

Please post picture of treehouse when finished.

And here's to another week of normality smile

Was only thinking about you the other day as DF started rads and I was thinking about how many people must go through it,
Hope normality continues! thanks

chocolatewine Sun 09-Mar-14 19:34:25

Normal is great! Glad to hear that dh is coping so well. I have wondered several times how you all are.

Peachypossum Sun 09-Mar-14 20:01:16

Your tree house sounds fab!

Hope you've had an incredibly normal but good weekend! X

magimedi Sun 09-Mar-14 22:45:44

Tree house sounds wonderful - but I still vote for a random yellow stripe!

(((xxx)))

PatFenis Sun 09-Mar-14 23:20:23

Great updates Teacake, the tree house sounds magnificent! I raise a glass of wine to many many more years of normality for you all xx

tunnocksteacake Mon 10-Mar-14 21:06:02

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tunnocksteacake Mon 10-Mar-14 21:08:40

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Wickeddevil Mon 10-Mar-14 21:10:43

Today is a 500 calorie day. May I have a low calorie one? brew
Cheers. Hope you are feeling better after your bath / wine and a good sleep wine

tunnocksteacake Mon 10-Mar-14 21:36:24

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tunnocksteacake Mon 10-Mar-14 21:37:17

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tunnocksteacake Mon 10-Mar-14 21:38:59

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MaudeLynn Mon 10-Mar-14 21:50:08

Happy to ignore several household tasks in solidarity.

Enjoy your G&T and if your DD is anything like mine she won't sleep through even in a single bed grin

If you drink enough gin, you'll she'll sleep though wink

And I'm not looking round my phone to see the state of the house, all in solidarity natch.

tunnocksteacake Mon 10-Mar-14 22:01:45

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tunnocksteacake Mon 10-Mar-14 22:12:43

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magimedi Mon 10-Mar-14 22:20:44

I am not in your vile situation, but I fight the black dog of depression on a daily basis & people are amazed when I tell them that.

Some of us, somehow (& no prizes for it) manage to do it & I suspect you are one of those that will continue to do so.

No harm in going to see your GP & asking for a little help, Tunnocks. I had a year on citralopram when I knew I reached the end of holding it all together & maybe, just maybe, you could do with a bit of chemical help.

I had a wine tonight - did not know it was in solidarity with you so might have to have one tomorrow instead (as well)!

I so hope you get a good sleep tonight!

(((xxx)))

tunnocksteacake Mon 10-Mar-14 22:31:58

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tunnocksteacake Mon 10-Mar-14 22:32:57

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magimedi Mon 10-Mar-14 22:37:40

I'm not bloody surprised you resent the situation. Anyone would.

As your lovely DH is doing so well I think you should talk to him about having a lie in - NEXT WEEKEND.

You & DH seem to be amazingly capable of normalising a very unnormal situation & therefore you should ask for a lie in.

I suspect he'd be only too pleased to do this for you & would probably be delighted to be asked for what is normal, ie a lie in for Mum. IYSWIM! grin

Possibly, just possibly, you need to stop coping so well, just a tad!

(((xxx)))

tunnocksteacake Mon 10-Mar-14 22:40:54

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tunnocksteacake Mon 10-Mar-14 22:41:17

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magimedi Tue 11-Mar-14 08:00:59

OK - he's exonerated, hope you had a good sleep last night!

That sounds so very tough dude. I have no practical advice, other than Yorkshire Tea, I'm afraid, but I am thinking of you and wishing at least a couple of nights of toddler sleep.

nearlyreadyforstatelyhomes Tue 11-Mar-14 13:51:20

Tunnocks, do what you need to do, but you please don't feel obliged to put a brave face on. No one will think any less of you if you crumble.

MaudeLynn Tue 11-Mar-14 16:56:43

Tunnocks - have you tried letting people know exactly how they can help? They might see you coping and think you don't want any interference so are afraid to upset you. Just a thought.

homeaway Tue 11-Mar-14 18:22:03

Tunnocks, have not walked your path but I am wondering if you could ask somebody to look after the kids so that you can have an afternoon to yourself . People might be presuming that you don't want help so would not offer it ?
If all else fails, bribery works wonders to gain extra minutes in bed at the weekend.

tunnocksteacake Wed 12-Mar-14 22:16:34

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tunnocksteacake Wed 12-Mar-14 22:22:00

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tunnocksteacake Wed 12-Mar-14 22:22:44

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tunnocksteacake Wed 12-Mar-14 22:48:35

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tunnocksteacake Wed 12-Mar-14 22:51:48

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tunnocksteacake Wed 12-Mar-14 23:08:32

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Dilidali Thu 13-Mar-14 06:42:59

sad is she any better?
You must have had a restful pleasant night then!
Have a hug, on the bright side, you can hang the washing outside.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine Thu 13-Mar-14 06:59:11

Have been thinking of you all. Hope you managed some rest.

tunnocksteacake Thu 13-Mar-14 07:03:40

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magimedi Thu 13-Mar-14 07:35:35

Hooray for her sleeping through!

tunnocksteacake Fri 14-Mar-14 13:19:20

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DianaTrent Fri 14-Mar-14 13:31:45

Hope his first day is going well, Tunnocks. Must feel weird for you. Glad to hear things are able to be so (relatively) normal. Long, long may that continue.

magimedi Fri 14-Mar-14 16:12:17

I was wondering how your DH's day was going, Tunnocks. Great that it's a Friday & hope you have a good week end.

FrancesNiadova Fri 14-Mar-14 22:45:12

thanks thanks thanks

tunnocksteacake Sun 16-Mar-14 14:10:04

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tunnocksteacake Sun 16-Mar-14 14:10:39

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magimedi Sun 16-Mar-14 14:13:04

Oh Tunnocks - I'm here to give you a hug. I am not surprised you are, you have had such a lot to cope with.

magimedi Sun 16-Mar-14 14:16:56

Have you thought about seeing your GP? I am no expert but I wonder if one of the many new anti-depressants might help you in a low dose? I know it's not going to take the reasons away but if it helped you to cope & level things a bit it could be worth it?

magimedi Sun 16-Mar-14 14:25:38

Some one has just come round & I have to go - will be back later if you want to 'talk'.

(((XXX)))

onlyjoking Sun 16-Mar-14 14:27:21

I'm another one who thinks of your family often teacakes.
Please get some help so that you can get some time to yourself and with DH
Don't under estimate the toll this all places on you all, do you have a close friend that you're able to talk too, someone there just for you?
Good to hear that DH treatment is going well and that he is going back to work.
Do you have a McMillan nurse?
They are very good at supporting you as well as your DH.
Talk talk, then talk some more, to someone who will listen.

AnimalsAreMyFriends Sun 16-Mar-14 14:36:24

Just caught up with this thread. You are an amazing wife, mother & woman. In all that you are doing for your lovely family, please look after yourself & your needs too.
As the others said, it might be worth a chat with the GP, ADs may help to take that 'dark edge' off things.

Here to listen, haven't got half as much to cope with as you, but do understand very well, the bleak and dismal feelings of depression
xxx

Tunnocks. So glad I found your "new" thread. Sorry you are feeling down (nice euphamism for stupendously, crashingly depressed, no?)

Can you get some time to yourself? Is that something you would want or does it let intrusive thoughts in too much?

I understand about the lie ins, but how about an afternoon nap? You really do need some time to look after yourself or it really all will come crashing down, worse than it is now.

flowers

tunnocksteacake Sun 16-Mar-14 15:16:30

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tunnocksteacake Sun 16-Mar-14 16:32:03

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magimedi Sun 16-Mar-14 16:36:05

Visitor gone (phew).

Tunnocks you are amazing & possibly a bit too amazing, IYSWIM.

Who ever suggested McMillan had a good idea possibly. They will be able to understand better than most. Or your GP, if you have a reasonable one.

Honestly, you lovely woman, you must try to talk to someone soon or you are in some danger of cracking. It's totally understandable how you are feeling but you too need a bit of help. You can't do it all on your own.

Do you talk to your DH about how you feel or are you feeling it would be too much of a burden for him? He sounds like such a great guy that I suspect he'd be able to help you & want to be able to do that.
The situation you are both in is awful but you are both in it.

Huge hugs - there's always someone around here for you.

magimedi Sun 16-Mar-14 16:36:54

Hooray for caramel wafers - they are my DILs favourite as well.

(((hugs)))

Awww. Love. You need to look out for yourself. Like they instruct on planes in an emergency. You need to put your oxygen mask on to be able to help others with theirs.

Have you thought about perhaps accessing a counselling service in your lunch hour at work, at the very least talking is a start and then you don't feel you have to talk to someone who understands or someone who is involved?

Tunnocks caramel wafers. Yum. They are soooooo very tasty. Reminds me of going home to visit my Great Aunt in Airdrie.

tunnocksteacake Sun 16-Mar-14 17:55:22

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tunnocksteacake Sun 16-Mar-14 17:56:27

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tunnocksteacake Sun 16-Mar-14 17:58:28

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tunnocksteacake Sun 16-Mar-14 17:58:57

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tunnocksteacake Sun 16-Mar-14 18:01:21

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tunnocksteacake Sun 16-Mar-14 18:04:13

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Badvoc Sun 16-Mar-14 18:04:54

We'll, you're a bloody marvel.
That's all I can say.
I know you don't feel like you are.
But you are.
Xxxx

tunnocksteacake Sun 16-Mar-14 18:10:42

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tunnocksteacake Sun 16-Mar-14 18:11:45

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furlinedsheepskinjacket Sun 16-Mar-14 18:15:58

sending a hug x you are doing great tunnocks

notapizzaeater Sun 16-Mar-14 18:17:39

You are all doing fantastic, one day at a time gringringrin

magimedi Sun 16-Mar-14 19:54:22

Macmillan phoned once after diagnosis and did the benefits paperwork for us. Not heard from anyone since

Then ring them & see what else they can offer.

Thank you for putting up with me by the way, you lot

Tunnocks It is a privilege to be involved with you & yours.

It's not "putting up" with you at all. I could turn off my pc & never 'chat' with you again, but I choose not to because you & your life have (in a 21st century way) become part of mine. I think of you daily & wonder how you are. I have a mental image of how you, DH & your DCs look (almost certainly all 100% wrong).

I realise that I will (probably ) never meet you but you are no less important for that.

Go & get some help in real life, dear Tunnocks - you really do need to.

(((XXX)))

tunnocksteacake Sun 16-Mar-14 21:00:01

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tunnocksteacake Sun 16-Mar-14 21:13:58

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I understand. You can't lift the lid on the can of worms because you don't know what will come out - and whether you would be able to deal with it.

You know all of us Internet strangers are here for you.

magimedi Sun 16-Mar-14 22:21:44

Oh sweetie, I know you are not trying to make your life harder - but all of us here would like to make it a tad easier for you.

To totally change tack - do you get the chance to do any sort of exercise?

Just a quick 15 mins hard walk round the block even might help you somewhat.

This advice is coming from the converted woman who (until 18 months ago) was a confirmed couch spud & a smoker. I've ditched the fags (e-cig all the way) & taken up exercising more. By that I mean some swimming (I am lucky to have the time for that) but more importantly is my walk, most days. Just 15 - 20 mins & I have a start & finish point (from outside my front door ) & I pound along, trying to do it quicker & that is all I think about for that time. It has hugely helped with my anxiety, it's like a release from thinking as all I think about is how much quicker I can reach the next lamp post etc.

Nothing is going to change the nature of the disease, you just have to try to find some ways of coping & get a short time out from it.

Goodnight - I hope you are asleep now & have a great sleep.

(((XXX)))

I understand. I wish things were easier for you but I understand. In my dim and distant past I stuffers some big shite. I was 'allowed' to cry between junction 18 and 19 of the M4 only. I switched it on. I switched it off. Like a tap. The rest of the time I shut down to get through. Like everyone here I wish it was different for you.

And your normal things are brilliant - school bag packed so soon is vair efficient. I shall be resort to a sharp word myself at 745 as DSs have no doubt not done it properly even though they said they had wink

You and yours are in my thoughts Dude.

sybilfaulty Sun 16-Mar-14 23:40:01

Glad to have found you again, Tunnocks, but sorry you are feeling rubbish. I agree about the oxygen mask analogy. You need to think about yourself in order to be able to look after everyone else.

Hope you find sleep and have as peaceful a day as possible tomorrow.

tunnocksteacake Mon 17-Mar-14 06:49:08

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Dressingdown1 Mon 17-Mar-14 06:56:48

Tunnocks, it is very understandable that you feel this way. I agree with those who say you should prioritisetise your own nesometimes. Can you sit down with DH and work out a way to get support from friends or family to give you a rest?

BellaVita Mon 17-Mar-14 07:05:40

Oh my love, you are doing an fantastic job.

I so know what you mean about not wanting to talk about it. DH was so bloody ill in hospital not last christmas but the one before and my way of coping was just to not talk about it as I would have broken down and not got back up. I even hosted christmas and my mother was like wtf?

Your DH sounds amazing, just like mine.

Thinking of you xx

Badvoc Mon 17-Mar-14 07:49:19

Teacakes...you need to speak to someone.
I know you don't want to, you fear the emotions that will be released, but you need to re read your last post. It is very worrying - although perfectly understandable - that you feel like this.
You have to make sure you are looking after you, along with everyone else.

magimedi Mon 17-Mar-14 09:08:53

Badvoc is right - is there someone at your church you could talk to?

Thinking of you.

(((XXX)))

Badvoc Mon 17-Mar-14 10:41:38

I have a "go to" person at church and I can say anything to her...rant, rave, cry, swear...the lot.
I think that what you need.
I have had a very trying few months (long story, won't bother you with it) and it has been so wonderful being able to speak to someone who isn't close to the situation - I have been able to day things I can't/won't say to family members, dh etc.
I do feel for you. But you can only juggle for so long. At some point a ball will fall...make sure you have a safety net in place when it does xxxx

sybilfaulty Mon 17-Mar-14 14:28:38

How are you feeling now, my love?

sybilfaulty Mon 17-Mar-14 14:29:29

I think the "go to" person at church is an excellent suggestion. Someone who knows you without being intimately involved as a friend. Thinking of you

Badvoc Mon 17-Mar-14 15:42:09

I wish I could give you hug sad
I have a very ample bosom you could weep into smile

Badvoc Mon 17-Mar-14 15:42:40

Yeah.
You see, that sounded so much better in my head!
blush

magimedi Mon 17-Mar-14 16:55:01

Badvoc - I thought it sounded lovely.

Tunnocks I really do think you need someone to talk to.

tunnocksteacake Mon 17-Mar-14 21:43:08

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tunnocksteacake Mon 17-Mar-14 21:44:59

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sybilfaulty Mon 17-Mar-14 21:55:19

Glad that you have a supportive colleague. I can completely understand wanting to maintain your professional persona but letting someone who has been in a similar boat listen can only be a good thing.

Yay for DS and his swimming!

We are all here for you, hands, shoulders and bosoms at the ready.

magimedi Mon 17-Mar-14 22:16:38

So please about your colleague.

And great news re DS's swimming. I love swimming & went today.

And I have an ample (if bloody saggy) bosom that is available anytime.

We will all continue to look out for you - we are here for as long as you need us.

(((XXX)))

Badvoc Tue 18-Mar-14 07:13:05

smile
Anytime.
You can lean on it and I shall stoke your hair and hum tunelessly.
So glad you have spoken to some one irl.
And great news about swimming! It's so lovely to hear our children praised, isn't it? by someone other than ourselves
smile

FutTheShuckUp Tue 18-Mar-14 20:52:05

Very glad to see an update from you, I think about you a lot. I'm only about an hour away from you if you ever need a chat a rant and a rave with someone who will not be patronising or make you feel there is no hope x

tunnocksteacake Tue 18-Mar-14 21:34:44

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Ecclefechan Tue 18-Mar-14 21:40:22

Will a chocolate Hobnob do?

And I have no doubt you will get through this. None at all.

tunnocksteacake Tue 18-Mar-14 21:41:50

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tunnocksteacake Tue 18-Mar-14 21:44:50

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Ecclefechan Tue 18-Mar-14 21:52:41

Seamus Heaney?

tunnocksteacake Tue 18-Mar-14 21:53:28

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tunnocksteacake Tue 18-Mar-14 21:53:54

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Ecclefechan Tue 18-Mar-14 21:55:49

blush

tunnocksteacake Tue 18-Mar-14 22:01:17

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Ecclefechan Tue 18-Mar-14 22:17:53

See, I put the ? after his name so you'd think I was making an educated guess smile

magimedi Tue 18-Mar-14 22:18:17

Well thank heavens that it was Seamus Heany because I was going to put it down to Phillip Larkin who I can't stand. AT ANY PRICE!

So glad you are looking into someone to chat to/counselling.

Keep up with the poetry - that is what has always sustained me in dark times.

tunnocksteacake Tue 18-Mar-14 22:22:35

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Ecclefechan Tue 18-Mar-14 22:27:33

The typo in your title has been corrected. Good old MNHQ!

tunnocksteacake Tue 18-Mar-14 22:29:56

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echt Wed 19-Mar-14 12:04:35

Would the Lear quote be "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child"?

Badvoc Wed 19-Mar-14 12:07:39

I bloody LOVE seamus Heaney (must be my Irish blood)
I find doughnuts are very sustaining in a crisis.
Any crisis eyes thickening waist

sybilfaulty Fri 21-Mar-14 08:14:04

how are you feeling today Tunnocks? Thinking of you XXX

tunnocksteacake Fri 21-Mar-14 20:37:16

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tunnocksteacake Fri 21-Mar-14 20:41:21

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Badvoc Fri 21-Mar-14 20:46:20

Oh tunnock sad
Gosh, this sounds very familiar to me.
I feel the same wrt counselling. I have reservations too. My mil thinks I should have it...my sister is currently going.
Like you, I am trying to keep a lot of balls in the air ATM and like you I feel I am "going missing" too.
So glad you have managed to speak to someone irl.
Were you on meds for your depression in the past?
One of my friends made me laugh so much last year (during the worst of my trauma) - I told her I felt pathetic for feeling depressed and she told me that with everything I had gone/was going through if I wasn't depressed there would be something wrong with me! smile
I don't see how anyone could possibly try harder than you dear tunnocks, but I do understand that feeling well.
Xxxxx

Ecclefechan Fri 21-Mar-14 20:47:34

Why are you so hard on yourself? The "old" you doesn't exist anymore; she didn't have a husband and two children. The person you are today is who you are and, without sounding woo, today is all we really have, isn't it? Your tired mind is battering you with negative thoughts and criticism (I would win gold medals for this if it were an Olympic sport btw).

Badvoc Fri 21-Mar-14 20:49:23

Ooooh...fish and chips! Lovely smile
I think - and this is only my opinion not backed by scientific evidence at all I must add - that the tiredness (it's crushing at times isn't it?), the craving crappy carby food (or is that just me?) and the mental fog (I forgot my address yesterday) is all actually reassuringly "normal" in times of acute emotional stress.

Badvoc Fri 21-Mar-14 20:57:03

Another thing I find is that I am very wary of arranging anything...almost feel panicky about it sad
Since last may I have had to cancel so many things/have not been available and it's hard to get back to the unthinking ways of the past, when I would book holidays, days out, meals etc without a second thought.
I seem to agonise over the slightest thing ATM too.
I would have said - prior to my trauma - that I was a pretty upbeat, optimistic person.
I am not that person anymore sad she is gone and I am not sure she will ever return.
I can cope with that, though.
It's he catastrophizing (sp?) that is making me cross with myself.
No matter what happens lately I always assume the worst or my thoughts drift off into unpleasant imaginings of what could happen....again...I think it's pretty normal, but it's not nice to live with.
I feel bitter too tbh.
Bitter that I am no longer the person I was.
But we all walk in the sunshine and ignore the shadows tunnocks...until the shadows fall in our path xxxx

tunnocksteacake Fri 21-Mar-14 21:06:32

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Badvoc Fri 21-Mar-14 21:14:35

Yes it will tunnocks. I am very blessed in so many ways smile

Badvoc Fri 21-Mar-14 21:18:15

Panic about panic...yes! That's exactly it!
I have a dh, 2 young dc and now a frail mother to care for.
Add into that my own health problems and the usual crap life throws at all of us and -blam! - a perfect recipe for panic.

tunnocksteacake Fri 21-Mar-14 21:38:31

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Badvoc Fri 21-Mar-14 21:40:03

Nice smile

Badvoc Fri 21-Mar-14 21:40:52

Gift wrapped?
I do like a nice bow smile

tunnocksteacake Fri 21-Mar-14 21:50:47

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Badvoc Fri 21-Mar-14 21:52:58

Yes.
You see, YOU understand!
smile

magimedi Fri 21-Mar-14 23:03:46

Nothing to add - but just checking in!

And so happy to see some humor here!

Faaaaaaaaaaaaaar too much gin (& wine/beer/alkihol) tonight for me - DS is home so fatted calf has been killed.

Goodnight Tunnoks & Badvoc - thinking of you!

(((XXX)))

Ecclefechan Sat 22-Mar-14 05:44:07

Ooooh didn't realise I'd hit the send button on that senseless drivel I'd written blush. I was trying to put something into words and got sidetracked (I don't do multi-tasking).

I totally empathise with the depression and "panic about panic" and have been doing some reading that - for once! - made sense about how our minds rail against us. However, I'm useless at explaining stuff so I'll stick to sharing your chips, cake and googling answering your poetry questions.

Badvoc Sat 22-Mar-14 07:32:31

Good morning dear tunnocks...
It is sunny here (for now)
Today I shall mostly be helping my mum clear out her shed and throwing things in skips (which I do oddly enjoy tbh) and then taking ds2 to a birthday party (which will be like the 5th circle of hell)
Hope I don't see Mr Rat again! sad
I was there earlier in the week stamping on some wood to flatten it (it was like a chavvy version of river dance smile) and an enormous rat popped out to see what I was doing shock
<shudder>

tunnocksteacake Sun 23-Mar-14 07:22:19

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tunnocksteacake Sun 23-Mar-14 07:23:35

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SpringComeHereYouFabulousSeaso Sun 23-Mar-14 07:42:49

Tunnocks - bit of a tricky one that. You and dh are giving an amazing performance of normal so I should imagine your family are thinking - wow, they are doing brilliantly and acting as if everything is normal, we won't rock the boat or dare to ask how things are in case they a) they don't want to talk about it b) we might upset them

Conversely you are upset because they are treating you as normal and not asking how you are. 99.99999% of my sympathy is reserved for you and your dh and the utter load of shite that life has dealt you but I also have sympathy for your family who must love you both and not know what is the best way to behave. And no, it's not up to you to tell them how to behave, blimey, let them get on with it, you have enough on your plate. Underneath the weight of everything you are shouldering I hope you know that they love you and are trying, in their own cack handed way, to support you. They're probably congratulating themselves on providing you with a fun, 'normal' social engagement. What a terrible tight-rope situation for you all.

Fwiw I was very relieved to see you have spoken to your RL friend about how you are feeling and I honestly think the counselling you mentioned would be very worthwhile. Try it once, if you hate it then that is that but it might help and anything that might help is worth a try.

(((Ample bosomy hugs)))

Badvoc Sun 23-Mar-14 08:58:03

Hmmm, yes it is tricky.
I think that people have difficulty under circumstances like these.
And - if you are anything like me - you will give off an aura of "I'm fine, let's talk about you"
I am not excusing their behaviour at all, but perhaps as spring says they are congratulating themselves on their ability to hold it together for you.
From what you have posted about your dh he seems very much a stoic and is dealing with this situation in a very matter of fact way - I am guessing they are taking their lead from him?
I have asked my dh many times if I give off a "vibe" that makes people think I am ok - because at times I am asked to do things or deal with things that floor me but people have no idea. At all.
Take yesterday...clearing out the shed. We found a tin (my dad loved tins and would fill them with random bits of metal smile) and it had his old pipes and some tobacco in it.
sad sadI felt like I had been kicked in the chest. But everyone else just carried on....
Sigh...I dont know what I expect from people either...that's the thing. I dint deal well with people being to nice to me smile but there must be a line between cloying sympathy and utter indifference and I would like to explore it!

magimedi Sun 23-Mar-14 17:00:58

I've been thinking about this all day, Tunnocks.

I now have an adult, married DS (& DIL & I get on well). Even so I am always somewhat cautious around them & tend to take my lead from them when it comes to discussing any major things in their lives. For instance, they live abroad & I know they have had thoughts about returning to the UK but I tend not to bring up the subject in case they think that I am pressurising them to return for my benefit.

I do think you would be just as pissed off if FIl & MI Lconstantly asked how DH was. I'm not being mean to you, just putting it from their perspective (as much as I can, not knowing them).

I really think you need to ask for help & support if you feel you need it - it may well be a case of you seeming to be so capable that people think you may be offended by offers of support.

Anyhow, I hope the rest of your day was OK & at least you can always come here & rant at us as much as you want.

(((XXX)))

Hope you are less cross this evening tunnocks. My parents are crap at asking about us too. They ask about the DDs but not about us, about our grown-up serious subjects. I think it is because they don't want to be seen as nosy and pushy and like they are invading our privacy.

Your situation sounds like that x 100. I don't know what to suggest - don't know if you want suggestions! You would probably only need to say it once - "No matter how well it looks like we are doing, I need you to ask how we are"

tunnocksteacake Sun 23-Mar-14 20:41:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onlyjoking Sun 23-Mar-14 20:55:05

Tunnocks you are NOT whinging, in your shoes is a bloody hard place to be.
Re others not saying anything, sometimes they hold the mistaken belief that if they don't mention it won't remind you, as if you're likely to forget.
Surround yourselves with those who will listen and not try to silence your fears, it's not a weakness to be able to talk, i know it doesn't change your situation, but it's good to be able to be honest about how you feel, the anger the unfairness, the guilt from feeling the need for support when it's DH that has cancer. There are a heck of a lot of feelings, some that you can't even label, but they are real and you shouldn't feel silenced by others feeling uncomfortable.
Pour yourself a gin and keep on talking.
we are here to listen and drink your gin

Badvoc Sun 23-Mar-14 20:56:06

You are NOT whinging!
And yes, that's sounds like a plan.
X

Well good. Your BIL and SIL sound a bit like they have their heads up their own arses anyways.

I have lots of gin. And Baileys.

tunnocksteacake Sun 23-Mar-14 21:21:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tunnocks I think I love you. So much grace.

Sleep well x

tunnocksteacake Sun 23-Mar-14 21:29:39

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tunnocksteacake Sun 23-Mar-14 21:34:57

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tunnocksteacake Sun 23-Mar-14 21:35:55

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Badvoc Sun 23-Mar-14 21:39:29

But it includes fruit!
I had a huge cupcake from mils b day celebrations for my supper and have another for breakfast tomorrow
Some people are just thoughtless I guess...and yes, I am sure life is much more pleasant when one doesn't concern oneself with worrying about others hmm

onlyjoking Sun 23-Mar-14 21:55:25

Oh the luxury of a different planet.
Yes cancer of the brain isn't seen as worthy as other cancers sadly.
What's the current treatment plan for your DH?
Chocolate is fab, one of your five a day and free of calories too, thou I expect you might well be on the stress diet?
You need to stock up on those Tunnocks lovely.
If I'm anywhere near you I'd come round and help you with the chocolate orange and the gin!

tunnocksteacake Sun 23-Mar-14 22:01:06

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tunnocksteacake Sun 23-Mar-14 22:03:07

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tunnocksteacake Sun 23-Mar-14 22:04:29

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onlyjoking Sun 23-Mar-14 23:24:05

Yes the stress diet, caused by stress shock and forgetting to eat.
Is DH doing to tablet chemo? Sound like he is tolerating the treatment plan.
Waiting for follow up scans always takes ages. I hope you'll hear soon. wine

tunnocksteacake Mon 24-Mar-14 22:04:15

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magimedi Mon 24-Mar-14 22:31:41

I am so pleased to hear you have a cleaner!

Enjoy it & hope your DCs sleep right through the night.

And flowers for good sticking!! In every sense!

(((XXX)))

tunnocksteacake Tue 25-Mar-14 19:08:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Badvoc Tue 25-Mar-14 20:20:20

Indeed they are!
Are you ok?
X

tunnocksteacake Tue 25-Mar-14 21:29:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Badvoc Tue 25-Mar-14 21:58:49

Have you had a panic attack today tunnock?
Do you want to talk about it?
X

sybilfaulty Tue 25-Mar-14 22:11:07

Thinking of you Tunnocks. We are here if you need to chat.

Panic attacks are ghastly. Huge sympathies and hands to hold XX

magimedi Tue 25-Mar-14 22:17:59

Panic attacks are shit - I get them & am not in your place, Tunnocks.

We are here to hand hold & chat, but try breathing in for the count of 7 & out for the count of 11 as an immediate (small) relief when the panic is there.

(((XXX)))

tunnocksteacake Tue 25-Mar-14 22:24:22

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tunnocksteacake Tue 25-Mar-14 22:25:57

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tunnocksteacake Tue 25-Mar-14 22:26:24

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magimedi Tue 25-Mar-14 22:42:17

I hope DD is OK.

And I hope you are OK, Tunnocks - you are being so very brave & coping that I am worried about how much longer you can keep going.

I know that quite a few of us on this thread have suggested you need to get some support from either your GP or counseling & I am sure you are bored of reading this but I don't think we are totally wrong.

No one can be super human for ever - would you just think about getting a bit more support in RL as opposed to all of us (loving) strangers on the internet?

(((XXX)))

PS We'll all be here for you, whatever, for ever.

sybilfaulty Tue 25-Mar-14 22:53:11

Magi, you are a kind and wise woman smile

Tunnocks, you are the foundation of everything going on around you. A crack in the foundation weakens the structure overall. Please try to find a little time to chat to someone - just to unload. You need to stay strong, for the family but especially for yourself. Thinking of you.

Hope DD now calm and that you find some sleep tonight.

Panic attacks are horrid. I used to have anxiety attacks about having panic attacks, I hated them so much. It became an awful downward spral of panicking about panicking IYSWIM.

I just can't understand how people in your life don't seem to realise how you need help and time to process the fact that you are going to lose your husband. How they think you should be fine because he is fine at the moment. I find that very messed up. How can they not see that you have lost your future???? And you are mourning for that, while at the same time tyring to keep everything together, be supportive for your DH, be normal for your DCs, and under all sorts of pressure to "enjoy the time you have left together".

I wish I could climb through the screen and just give them all a good shake and some common sense.

Badvoc Wed 26-Mar-14 15:03:09

Sorry I didn't come back last night tunnocks...ds2 is poorly ATM so was up and down..
Hope your dd is ok?
I think magi is spot on. You need more help irl.
Professional help.
Please speak to someone - anyone - gp/HV/Macmillan/whoever...to access some counselling for YOU.
You matter too x

tunnocksteacake Wed 26-Mar-14 19:34:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tunnocksteacake Wed 26-Mar-14 19:37:19

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makeminea6x Wed 26-Mar-14 19:53:56

Hello. I feel a bit rude coming along like this, but I stumbled upon your thread and felt i liked you, and then your last post sounded like it came from a tough place.

The trouble with the internet is that it's hard to show one is listening without saying things. I think I understand what you just said.
What were your normal things today?

tunnocksteacake Wed 26-Mar-14 20:23:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ecclefechan Wed 26-Mar-14 20:27:37

Hang on there, Hearts! Tunnocks' DH is young, fit and getting through the treatment. Prognosis is around 20% which is good enough for those of us in the hope camp.

magimedi Wed 26-Mar-14 20:28:35

Your course is unfathomable for those of us who have not been on it.

All we can do is stand on the sidelines & offer you our love & support.

Which I will continue to do, as I am sure every one else will.

This is your thread, dear Tunnocks - you can tell me to bugger off & shut up whenever you want - the last thing I want to do is nag you in any way at all.

Make mine has put her finger right on it when s/he said:

The trouble with the internet is that it's hard to show one is listening without saying things.

Were I sitting in the same room as you I could nod & go umm, yes, etc.

All our advice, even if misplaced, comes with love to you & yours.

PS - I won't bugger off - I know I don't know you in RL, but you would be amazed how many times a day I think of you & all the Teacake family.

(((XXX)))

makeminea6x Wed 26-Mar-14 20:42:58

Oh not at all teacake. In fact I somehow felt I met you there.

Like magi said, your pain and honesty won't scare everybody off.

Popcorn is great. We are eating Lindor.

makeminea6x Wed 26-Mar-14 20:43:37

Oh and sorry about lack of bold and stuff I am new to mumsnet and don't know how to do it on my mobile yet

Primadonnagirl Wed 26-Mar-14 20:52:22

This is why Mumsnet is fab..forget all that nest of vipers stuff it's a place where people can come and be honest about their problems and ask for ..and get ..a virtual hug and some wise words.Teacake, I didn't know your story before this but I realise what a tough time you have all had. Reading this has taught me three things:
1 never give up hope
2 enjoy life for now
3 possessions etc mean nothing ..it's who you love and who loves you that counts

Sending you many xxx

Badvoc Wed 26-Mar-14 20:54:31

I am also firmly in the hopeful camp tunnocks x

tunnocksteacake Wed 26-Mar-14 21:23:19

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Almostfifty Wed 26-Mar-14 22:02:03

You deserve a sodding medal Tunnocks. You are 'beast' as my boys say.

magimedi Wed 26-Mar-14 22:13:30

Magimedi (and assorted lovely others) you are kinder than I deserve

RUBBISH!! Tunnocks - you deserve the very best that we can give you - just sorry that I am not a magician who can do more.

Sweet salt popcorn sounds as if it would be faaaaar too addictive. I will try (!) to walk past it - but fear failure.

xpatmama Wed 26-Mar-14 22:24:49

Hello! I have to say I have also been really touched by this thread. And I also know that hopeless feeling when you're just so exhausted and overwhelmed though obviously for you it must be x 100.

Is there someone who could just allow you to have a big nap at the weekend? Or on one of the days you don't work? Or to do something like yoga - even a babysitter! Yoga or similar has saved me when in that state.... It somehow allows some really deep rest.

<nods head> u- hu

Teacakes Dude. I don't really know what to say but this is me still listening. And thinking you really deserve better all round.

And nodding about finding yourself a space to be yourself not the lynchpin just for one hour. Doesn't have to be talking. Just something that you can concentrate vair hard on your own thing - physical or mental.

<squeeze>

makeminea6x Thu 27-Mar-14 03:44:22

I have not tried that popcorn. I do prefer mine straight salt generally. My big recent popcorn error was the wasabi one. It was poo corn.

Badvoc Thu 27-Mar-14 06:59:35

I find popcorn dunked in Nutella rather moreish...

Sorry sorry sorry sorry

I can't apologise enough flowers

tunnocksteacake Thu 27-Mar-14 14:52:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Im just so used to there being no hope for my DDad that I think it has unfortunately become my default position...

(Mind you he is 74 (almost), and keeps defying the odds. In 2010 he was given 3 years. Last June he started a more aggressive treatment & was told 50% chance of surviving to 10 months. And now they are coming to visit next week, from Toronto so not exactly popping in from next door. Anyways in my dad's case it is definitely terminal, both because of his age and because of his condition. But enough about that!!!)

Impressed with scone baking, I have never tried. I do have some flapjacks and some banana cake here to offer if you like?

Bassetfeet Thu 27-Mar-14 16:29:37

Yes and more yes to hope Tunnocks .
I am older and have adult children so so not comparing to your situation.
But after being told my husband only had at most two years at most with stage 4 aggressive cancer [different to your DH] ....well over two years ago now ....I so believe in hope and treatments coming out all the time . DH is currently in garage busy restyling kitchen cabinets and fine smile.
The fear never goes away and blood tests are bum clenching times. I watch him like a hawk . But all is looking fine for now and much more time than we were given initially.
Things got better once under oncology rather than surgeons . The doctor is amazed at his prognosis now. She says will be seeing you still in 5 years time or more. Radiotherapy has been so good .

I so want you to have the opportunity to have some good counselling . It helps really does . Have recently started some myself and found it hugely helpful . I didnt know what to say really but 3 words kept coming up in my head . Control ,fear and hope . I used these to start with and how to stop the adrenaline surge during the night

OH YES to hope Tunnocks flowers

we will be the 20% oh yes we will .

I should shut up.

But I had 3 glasses of wine at lunch (I can explain, honest, I don't normally drink at work!)

So everyone ignore me if I'm rambling on

I'm actually far more concerned about my mum than dear old dad. I mean, Dad has the entire medical community looking after him and friends & family worried about him. Whereas she is running herself ragged looking after him, worried about life and coping after he goes, while still trying to be hopeful that they will have lots more quality time together. It is an awful roller coaster for her.

Bassetfeet that is amazing.

HOPE. I would like to have it tattooed on my forehead

Ecclefechan Thu 27-Mar-14 18:43:09

Banana cake? Now you're talking, Hearts smile And sorry to hear what you and your parents are going through. Come and sit on the Hope bench with us - and bring the banana cake with you.

sybilfaulty Thu 27-Mar-14 22:48:12

Thinking of you TUnnocks. Stay strong. Huge hugs

magimedi Fri 28-Mar-14 20:17:02

Just popping in to wave @ all the Tunnocks & so you know we are still here.

Hope you have a lovely week end.

DH is getting all excited about light evenings & BBQ - he spent a lot of time in the shed today! grin

tunnocksteacake Mon 31-Mar-14 16:18:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ecclefechan Mon 31-Mar-14 16:27:03

smile glad to hear it!

mummylin Mon 31-Mar-14 16:36:55

What fabulous news to read.sending lots of good wishes and a massive amount of hope

sybilfaulty Mon 31-Mar-14 16:51:30

Hurray. What lovely news. Well done to mr teacakes and love yo you all

Great news. Rollercoasters?shock

tunnocksteacake Mon 31-Mar-14 17:41:38

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magimedi Mon 31-Mar-14 22:17:12

How lovely to check in & get this news!

Euro Disney - watch out!

Allez la famille Tunnock!!

(((XXX)))

tunnocksteacake Mon 31-Mar-14 22:32:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magimedi Mon 31-Mar-14 22:55:28

Mr Tunnocks is certainly a lazy so & so!!! grin

Off to see your thread in Chat but good to see you sounding cheery!

What fantastic test results!

Eurodisney.... the DDs have been clamouring to go for ages. You will have an awesome time.

minmooch Tue 01-Apr-14 18:53:39

Great news Tunnocks. Have a wonderful time in Eurodisney xx

Andro Tue 01-Apr-14 23:01:45

A clear MRI, perfect bloods, and permission to go on rollercoasters - a very satisfactory check up for MrTeacake today

Excellent news and long may it continue!

sybilfaulty Mon 07-Apr-14 09:02:41

How are you doing Tunnocks? Hope all is well with you and your lovely family

tunnocksteacake Sun 13-Apr-14 15:55:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Almostfifty Sun 13-Apr-14 17:29:51

Ooh, Happy Birthday. Have the most fabulous of fabulous times.

sybilfaulty Sun 13-Apr-14 18:16:11

Happy birthday and have a great trip

magimedi Mon 14-Apr-14 10:08:14

Belated Happy Birthday! I was at a birthday party yesteday - it was a 100th birthday!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope you are having a wonderful time & the weather is is as good in Paris as it is here.

tunnocksteacake Mon 14-Apr-14 20:38:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magimedi Mon 14-Apr-14 22:43:14

I am quite sure that there are no words available.

Mais, la petite a fait pee-pee dans la magasin de Lego!! Quelle horreur!

Je suis totally avec vous pour legging it - laissez les French to clear up toute le muck!!

Hope you are still having a brill time & excuse my bad Franglais!!

50ShadesofGreyMatter Tue 15-Apr-14 03:59:04

The latest news is great, I've been wondering how you are Tunnocks, am thinking of you and sending best wishes from down under smile

Elibean Tue 15-Apr-14 14:24:08

Bonne vacances, Tunnocks and family smile

Very nice to check in and see your latest news. Have a temp superbe.

Paddlinglikehell Tue 15-Apr-14 23:49:48

Hi Tunnocks, long time no see, some reason I thought of you tonight wondering how you are doing and popped over to GH and here you are.

Lovely to hear the latest results and you are just about holding it together.

Keep posting your news, always make good reading and me smile.

tbusmile

magimedi Sun 20-Apr-14 08:23:08

Happy Easter, Tunnocks & family.

Are you recovered from Disney?

sharonthewaspandthewineywall Tue 29-Apr-14 23:48:41

Hi tunnocksteacakes and family lots of love glad to hear your DH is doing so well xxx

onlyjoking Fri 30-May-14 05:08:12

Hello lovely Tunnocks, how are you doing?

BumWad Mon 02-Jun-14 00:21:54

I found you!!

smile

You are amazing x

SocialMediaAddict Mon 02-Jun-14 18:43:16

Read this thread. Think you sound AMAZING. Good news about the MRI and blood tests.

Would love to drink gin with you and I hate gin wink

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