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So scared about posting but need to do something about my drinking

(57 Posts)
Somethinggottagive Sat 17-Nov-12 21:00:10

It has taken me about a year to write this post. I have now for a long long time from reading these boards accepted that I have a problem. I want to be normal, want to have a drink or two now and again, but I can't. And I don't want to carry on like this.

I can't spend too long thinking about all there is to say that has brought me to this point, otherwise I will never ever click the button and finally finally finally say it out loud, even if just on the Internet.

On the outside, I am totally functional, 3 DC, lovely marriage, happy home, part time work....but I am haunted by by inability to control my drinking. Recently I have been able to control it more - nights off, no drinking in the week, but I still give in when I don't want to. And I drink fast, and I generally am always the one that drinks the most. And I had a night recently whe I drunk 1.5 bottles of wine on my own, and know that is pretty awful. My DH is lovely, but doesn't get how bad it is (generally unobservant plus I lie about my alcohol consumption).

I am having CBT for anxiety, but I have had this moment of clarity today that my anxiety is so much a mental health problem cause by my drinking. Bt I am so scared of going next session and telling my therapist that it is alcohol that is the real problem in my life, and anxiety is secondary. But I know I probably should?

Also, should I not even thinking about 'moderation' in getting on top of my alcohol issues? Should I be thinking only of abstinence? When I was pregnant and followed very strictly the '1 or 2 units once or twice a week' ( as it was then) I was in my ideal world - I learnt that actually a small glass of wine when iut for dinner was all I wanted (I would then get full and tired and that kne glass had fully satisfied me), one small glass of champagne at a wedding, and then having coherent conversations and waking uo hangover and GUILT FREE made my world a very very happy place. And it was am awakening, I drunk, and could look forward to a glass of wine, but in complete moderation with no consequences (I know some dispute re drinking in pg but I w sticking to the guidelines at the time, and don't want to have a conversation about that now)..so how have I let myself get back here?

I used ti be a very heavy smoker and I ave managed to stop entirely. I believe I can conquer my problems with alcohol, because I have done it with smoking (I don't underestimate how bloody awful it will be, I say this because I tell myself this to feel hopeful rather than 'can't do anything about it so may as well keep drinking).

My mum was/is an alcoholic but she has not drunk for 10 years or so. I admire her, but yet there were some awful awful times when I was younger which I still feel very very angry about. The one thing in the whole world that k want is to not do the same to my kids.

I a not sure the point of my post, I just know I have got to the point that I can say all this. I never thought I would even get this far. I know I have a problem - it has taken me a long time to accept this but I am now finally there. It is what to do now. I have read so many posts that say AA...but the thought of that terrifies me so much, that I think it would prevent me from tackling my problem. Is it not the case that there are all different kinds of treatment methods, including CBT? Should I start with my current therapist? Should I go back to the GP?

I am waffling, this is long and I am about to chicken out and delete and carry in drinking wine and watching the xfactor. I feel pathetic, but please be kind, I am very very very scared. And j have also (I hope) namechanged.
I guess I really want some advice on where to go next....

Thank you.

Goonatic Sat 17-Nov-12 21:05:33

Hello, how much do you drink? Have just posted on another thread, I drink three bottles of wine a week, thurs, fri and sat. Whilst I know this is too much, we are just in the habit of doing so and I kind of don't want to stop but part of me niggles, saying that it is excessive.
Your DH must be drinking with you or (I assume) yo wouldn't be able to hide it.

Has anything except for pregnancy stopped you in the past?
Well done for posting, I am probably in a slightly similar kind of place as you so may not be much help but there is a great support thread on here, I am sure one of them will find you soon..

tribpot Sat 17-Nov-12 21:06:37

You've made the first step. And there are plenty of us on the boards who will want to help you, who have been where you are right now. I'm going to post that and then write a longer post so you know someone is listening.

Somethinggottagive Sat 17-Nov-12 21:19:33

Thank you. Funny - I kept it together writing that post, very systematic getting it down, and reading your responses had made me collapse. The first acknowledgement that I have vocalised my problem and someone has heard.

I drink wine, used to love gin and tonic too but have cut that out as felt too much like it was mothers ruin. I used to drink every night, a bottle of wine. I have cut down in the past year and no longer drink during the week at home, but then I binge when I do - a bottle of wine typically if I am honest. Or, increasingly I find myself organising a last minute dinner with a friend so I 'can' drink in the evening ( because I am not allowed to at home - my rule).

I have without doubt made some progress, I accept completely that I have a problem. I have nights off a lot now (never ever ev used to). But then I binge drink when I am 'allowed' to drink. Far too drunk with my children in the house. Nothing bad has ever happened, but I feel if I don't stop it is only a matter of time. I never ever don't get up the next day and crack on, but I can feel shit. And more than anything it is really damaging my mental health and I am sure my physical health too.

My DH is lovely. He has tendencies to drink too much, but with a very stressful job and very long hours has it completely user control. He is kind and loving ...but is I guess a bit of an enabler?? I think I now KNOW I have an alcohol problem because of all I have read and thought about, whereas he (like so many others) wouldn't think it. He would think I was a heavy drinker, but would not define me as....gulp....an alcoholic. But I now think i am. I don't have control and I feel shit about it. And I don't want to be.

I think I want to know what my goal should be - moderation or abstinence. I feel a combination of genetics plus upbringing has brought me to this place (though I blame no-one) - and would it just be futile to aim for moderation? Or would I more likely be successulf than abstinence with a life of rollercoastering on and off the wagon?

Thank you so much.

tribpot Sat 17-Nov-12 21:21:51

Right, some things I definitely recognise - drinking fast, drinking wine. Can you take or leave other kinds of alcohol? It was always wine for me.

You should tell your CBT counsellor and your GP. You need to accept that this is real and it is happening - that way there's no way back to the place you are in now, where you are hiding it and terrified of it at the same time. I never admitted my drinking on MN, btw, even though I knew I needed to. I couldn't do it. Eventually I became very ill and when I went to see my GP at last he thought I was dying. I'm still recovering physically from that.

Your GP should do a liver function test to get an idea of how much damage you may have done. This may not show a problem because the liver is incredibly resilient, so you will need to manage that mentally (i.e. don't assume normal LFT = cocktail hour!) but at least you will know.

No-one can make you go to AA - as it happens, I don't - I think not least because I was simply so unwell when I stopped drinking I couldn't leave the bedroom, never mind the house to a meeting every day. (I was still working, up until the day I went to the surgery).

The book that I would really recommend you read - tonight - is Beat the Booze - this really helped me. It talks about the fact that some people can learn to drink in moderation again but at the moment that's not really the issue. You need to stop completely for a period of time so you can gain some clarity, your mind and body can start to heal (your anxiety will almost certainly diminish) and you can feel the benefits of sobriety. After that you can decide for yourself what you think the best option is longer term.

I know that stopping completely sounds very scary. But you are failing to control the drinking (as did I - big stylee) and you may well find stopping is easier, less exhausting, to try and manage.

The other scary thing you will need to do when you are ready is admit the problem to your loved ones. Again this is part of not being able to go back. I found it incredibly liberating and literally no-one has been judgemental about it.

Anyway, I think this post is probably a bit full-on and earnest - I read posts like it and thought 'well it's easy for you to say'. It isn't easy for me to say at all but I am nearly 18 months on from you. I never thought I could give up drinking for a week.

Keep posting - no-one here will judge you. There really are worse things in life than being snuggled up with a rather cheeky cup of lime and ginger tea on a Saturday night, trust me grin

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Sat 17-Nov-12 21:23:56

The fear of telling will probably be the worst part. You've started the journey now and although I don't have any advice I do want to say I admire you for posting this and wanting to start that journey.

Somethinggottagive Sat 17-Nov-12 21:24:01

Tripbot....I want to shout 'Really??people in the same position??' I am so used to lying about my alcoholism, to myself, to others, and I a, so used to comparing my ability to control (or otherwise) my drinking to all my friends, everyone I meet, everyone at work occasions etc...to think there are some people that are in - or have been in - the same boat feels almost like too much to hope for (that I am not alone in being so f'ing powerless).

I just want to have this life so ruled by alcohol any more

Goonatic Sat 17-Nov-12 21:30:51

Gosh, we drink the same I think. I have had a couple of liver function tests and they were fine. It sounds like you have already started to take control of what you drink, canyou extend that control to one more day in the week, and then maybe another?

tribpot I am full of admiration.

I can't see a time when I will stop, but I don't really feel that I have a problem, I have started only drinking hot choc some Saturday's, to break the cycle, and because I can do that I kind of feel like I am ok. Does that make sense? There are also nights (within my three nights that we drink) that I sometimes don't feel like it, again, that makes me feel like I am more in control than I used to be.

I also have a soft drink sometimes before we start drinking wine, again,I think I am testing myself. Wow, this is more honest than I have ever been too. Good luck OP, I think you have made a great start. X

tribpot Sat 17-Nov-12 21:34:56

There are loads of us who were able to maintain the outward appearance of normality, although by the very end I was drinking in the mornings but literally that was only the last few months of a 20 year problem with alcohol. I said this on another thread recently - it sounds trite but the truth really will set you free. The only way to be free of these feelings is to admit to them.

You will need some support from your GP - exactly what will depend on how you find coming off the booze. Mine was very surprised I could detox without any assistance (I mean like tranquilisers to cope with the DTs), I don't really understand why myself. The thing I was most worried about was not sleeping. On the odd night when I hadn't drunk before I found it impossible to get to sleep until 2 a.m. because my brain would just whir and whir and refuse to shut down. Again, I don't know if it was because of my physical illness or what but I have never had a problem sleeping from that day to this. In the early days I would sleep at random times of the day and night and it's very important that you can get support to enable you to do things like that. My white noise app on the iPhone was very useful for helping my brain to shut down.

Keep posting. You're not alone.

tribpot Sat 17-Nov-12 21:45:34

Goonatic - this is drinkers' logic (I'm not remotely suggesting you are alcoholic): I can't see a time when I will stop, but I don't really feel that I have a problem. If you had no problem, it'd be no problem to stop ... smile One of my brothers always gives up booze in January (I had no idea how he could manage such a thing) and I would heartily recommend it to anyone, just to give it a try. One of the things it allows you to do is see what your triggers are - and they may not be the things you would expect. But 'habit' in the behavioural, rather than addiction, sense plays a massive part in how we 'forget' to drink the way we planned to.

Trying to give up forever is too scary. My GP told me he tells his patients to give up for a year and then see how they feel.

Btw I do think it is much harder to give up when you aren't physically ill from it. Is it really a problem if it doesn't seem to be doing physical damage? Well again - give up for a month, see how you feel about it then. And it can go south scarily quickly - I was basically completely well until a year before I stopped drinking. I was then mostly well for a further 6 months (excluding throwing up every day, I lost a shitload of weight). My drinking escalated as I could see how much worse the addiction was getting. That's extreme drinker's logic.

Goonatic Sat 17-Nov-12 21:50:11

Wow, thanks trib you have given me something to think about, I see your point totally. I think we are given examples of 'alcoholics' on tv etc and they are always non-functioning, so it is easy to exclude yourself from that bracket.
I think I might do what your brother does and see what happens.

How are you feeling OP?

Somethinggottagive Sat 17-Nov-12 21:55:54

Thank you all so much. Goonatic, I suspect I am worse than you. I have rules like 'I can drink in a Friday night' so would do something like go to a concert on a Friday, have a glass of en, get home and normal people would think 'lovely evening, go to bed' I will THEN drink 3 large glasses of wine. Because I can. Thre is little pleasure in that, I wake uo feeling shit physically and about myself.

Tribpot. Thank you. Yes, it is wine. Evil evil wine. I appreciate your post. A year ago, 6 months ago, I wuld have read tha, though woah woah woah and closed my iPad and carried on with my night and woken up in the morning thinking forget all that. But I appreciate it because I cannot cannot deny this any more. I had liver function tests in June and all was fine.. Basically, I went to the GP freaking out about my alcohol consumption but told my GP I was beside myself with worry (i was ) because I had drunk too much in the past. I made her feel my liver and asked her for a full blood screen. All results normal, BUT this is when she referred me for CBT for anxiety. So this (I realise) s my first step, but it was so tentative that I have managed t skirt the issue not only with the GP but now with my therapist too (though I have mentioned on several occasions, I guess hoping she would pick up the hook) that I do have an ongoing battle with my drinking.

The thing that makes me feel absolutely petrified about your post is telling the GP and telling loved ones. Telling my therapist doesn't scare me as much, so why would telling the GP? I have also had bulimia in the past, but this I have managed to deal with (I still occasionally have thoughts, but I have not acted on them in 5 years plus now). crazy as this sounds, I have never ever discussed this with my DH. Whether he doesn't know or is in denial, I don't know, but that's the way it is,. We are very close and happy (please don't tell me this can't be the case given wha I have just said) and I have told him horrendously awful stuff from my past, so it is now that that is the issue...I can and do deal with stuff (smoking, bulimia - though my mum acknowledged it with me, she wrote a letter, I wrote back and she trusted me to deal with it). Anyway, I am scared to have written all this.

Getting to the point of telling anyone, even MN, feels it has take 5 years...2 probably when I have Thought I may have a problem, 1 year of shit I am an alcoholic. I know I am high functioning....no-ne would ever think I was hungover, let alone had had a bottle or more of wine the previous night. I am beyond mortified when i feel I have 'exposed' myself by getting too drunk...so many others around me treat it as 'oh everyone gets drunk now and again' but yet I know I have ALWAYS been the one that is most pissed - but yet told so often that I am the life and soul of the party. So where does not drinking leave me?...lime and ginger tea on a Saturday night?? Finally, finally finally, that is where I want to be.

The message of 'absintence for now' is extremely helpful. That is my gut feeling, although I didn't know it until you said it. Like how can I go from this to moderation? That is what I need to do. Should I do it now? But I open u my diary and look at all the fun plans that n longer feel fun? And the one on one meals or drinks planned where I feel I am letting people down because I am not going to be putting the world to rights of a bottle of wine any more? Yet I don't want to tell people in case I fail...it took several attempts for me to finally quite smoking once and for all and I want t be realistic about alcohol (though that said, my mum did just give up one day).

I feel incredibly self indulgent. Blabbing away about my thoughts, my issues, my situation. How boring, and I am sorry. But I am extremely grateful for your responses. I am so scared. My DH is away tonight - v rare - which has facilitated this. But i am very scared of how I will feel tomorrow about all of this.

Goonatic Sat 17-Nov-12 22:06:04

No you are not boring, or self indulgent, you sound incredibly reflective and intelligent. I know exactly what You mean about looking through your diary and seeing things planned that you will need to make excuses for. What about saying - 'no I am cutting down, I will stick to lime and soda' or 'I don't want to drink tonight' and also, you are of letting them down, just saying that you don't want to drink shouldn't spoil someone's night.
I think you will be able to do this, maybe we should do it together!

Somethinggottagive Sat 17-Nov-12 22:07:46

Goonatic and tribpot, thank you both so much for posting. If not for MN I would think 'I am not an alcoholic because I do not drink in mornings, drink bottles of vodka etc etc' but I do not have control and so I know I am.
I don't believe I am physically ill from it, but I know I am mentally ill. Which almost makes the decision between moderation and abstinence harder...if physically ill abstinence becomes clearer.
I stopped for 3 weeks completely in June (after panic visit to GP - got tests results normal, back in the wine, what typical behaviour eh) Md no physical symptoms. Physically I think I can do it no problem, if I can mentally do it. I sort of know I can, but while forever seems too daunting, a limited time period feels like there is the promise of a binge at the end of it. In june, taking about giving uo booze 'for the time being' was helpful.
I appreciate so much yo posting your experience, given this is the first time I have spoken out, it means the world.
And goonatic, thank you too for talking to me. I suspect I am a bit further down the road from you, but it makes me feel less alone and I am very grateful.

Goonatic Sat 17-Nov-12 22:11:14

Mate, I think we actually sound very similar, but I have no anxiety about it.
Please keep in touch, pm me, we really could try together, how about a January abstinence?

Somethinggottagive Sat 17-Nov-12 22:13:21

Goonatic...your saying that not letting people down has given me a(nother!) moment of clarity: when I meet people for drinks/dinner, I feel let down if they are not drinking.....but then, I have an alcohol problem! So really, I shouldn't impose those feelings on others that don't...normal people probably don't feel let down if their friend shows up and says they are not drinking, they just think oh right fine, I'll just order a glass. (whereas I feel shit can't hide how much I have drunk because we are ordering bottles)! That, however small, feels a revelation!

Somethinggottagive Sat 17-Nov-12 22:16:50

I will definitely keep in touch goonatic, thanks! I am definitely up for a January abstinence, but I dont think that's enough for me....I sort of wish it was but I do think I am probably beyond that sad

Goonatic Sat 17-Nov-12 22:17:39

Well done, I can't believe how brave you have been posting this. You must feel a bit elated! Please do keep in touch. (don't mean to be non-mnetty!)

Goonatic Sat 17-Nov-12 22:19:14

Well let's start there and see what happens. tribpot can be our support if she doesn't mind. smile

OscarPistoriusBitontheside Sat 17-Nov-12 22:25:21

Well done Something, you've taken a very brave and courageous step tonight.

I don't have much to offer you but support. Acknowledging your problem is the hardest part in someways. I would speak to you therapist and take it from there.

aliasjoey Sat 17-Nov-12 22:25:54

well done for posting, its a brave first step.

if you want any support or advice please come and see us on the Brave Babes Battle Bus (we're on the relationships board, but thats a historical thing, we are really about drinking. or not drinking. or controlled drinking. and then there's the Sidecar, for those who fall out of the bus...)

good luck

tribpot Sat 17-Nov-12 22:26:06

Keep blabbing away - you absolutely must articulate the thoughts you've been suppressing, or diverting into anxiety. (Although your therapist I guess may see the anxiety as the cause and the drinking as a symptom rather than vice versa .. it probably doesn't really matter at this point - they're both problems).

I won't lie - going out to things is hard. I find restaurants very difficult, pubs less so (as I work with guys so when we go out they tend to drink beer, which doesn't trigger me). You can put the world to rights over lime and ginger tea! (This is it, btw - bloody good stuff. Mostly I prefer lunch-time things (as drinking less usual) and no friend has ever objected in the slightest to me not drinking.

The run-up to Christmas is a hard time to give up, but I do think you should start from now. Using the excuse of 'it'll be easier in January' is too easy. I am not going to most of my works things again this Xmas, I will go out for a refreshing glass of ginger beer (ginger beer is a top pub drink as long as you avoid the alcoholic ones, obviously!) and then leave them to it. Partly that's because I'm too tired in the evening to want to stay out and then drive home etc.

Do read the book, even if you do nothing else yet. I think the reason you might be more scared of telling the GP is because you know it will go on your 'permanent record' (rather than a confidential, therapist-specific medical record). In reality having it on record is helpful (if terrifying) and your GP record is confidential too. I wonder if you feel similarly about telling DH as well? I don't think mine ever really knew how bad the problem was, either.

dementedma Sat 17-Nov-12 22:34:19

I second what joey said about the Brave Babes thread in relationships.
Please join us there and meet some wonderful, non-judgemental people who just happen to drink too much. You will be very welcome there and get all the support you need.
waves to joey

BluelightsAndSirens Sat 17-Nov-12 22:38:01

Firstly I want to say thank you for posting such an honest thread.

Does alcohol cause anxiety? I only ask because I have been suffering with some terrible anxiety problems lately (on meds from GP) I'm not able to sleep without wine....

tribpot Sat 17-Nov-12 22:41:32

Btw I think this comment of yours goes right to the heart of it: There is little pleasure in that [drinking], I wake up feeling shit physically and about myself

That right there. You are drinking not for pleasure. The level of drinking, even the level of physical damage, is probably less important than that feeling.

It is hard to tell people when you're worried you might fall off the wagon. But nevertheless, the best way to succeed is to tell people, because then you have to publicly own a decision to fall off the wagon (and let's be honest, if you really want to fall off, you can do so without anyone knowing).

This does now lead to rather odd conversations with my friends and family where they will say 'so how's the ... health?' and I say 'you mean am I drinking?' and they say 'er well no I mean - yes but - ' (etc). There's no very tactful way of asking this question, they might as well not try to find one grin

BirdwithinaBird Sat 17-Nov-12 22:46:23

Tribpot nails it with Liberation and Freedom. I was highly functioning for years too, until the wheels fell off in spectacular style. Hiding it, planning it, drinking it, recovering from it, was a humiliating, shameful, guilt fest, but I just got beyond being able to do anything to even control it. Blackouts were my life. By my mid thirties I was a full blown alcoholic, the invisible line between heavy drinking and alcoholism had been crossed. Like Tribpot I was on morning fill ups and God only knows what else. I am sober now, long time sober, and really it is the stigma with this that is so frustrating. It's like most forms of abuse, no-one will talk about it, and yet that is the very thing that will take the taboo away. Empathy, support, for us is really the most important part.

I work with women who misuse alcohol now, none of us went to AA btw, lots of reasons for that, and just like this thread, they all support one another in rl, they know they are not alone, and it works like no other recovery programme.

Really well done for having the courage to post. xx

Somethinggottagive Sat 17-Nov-12 22:46:55

Thank you all, so very much.

Tribpot. Yy to the whole anxiety causing drinking! I think that's what she thinks, because my drinking did pick up (yet again) during my worst phases of anxiety. But I KNOW that alcohol is the problem. But I have lied (yet again) about that fact,.

And of course you are right re permanent record. I think if I tell my GP it is 'fact', if I tell my Therpaist it is 'my perception'. Sounds a bit bonkers. But as I write this I realise (another moment of clarity!!) that I am able to write all this BECAUSE if my CBT. So there's me thinking it's a waste of time because anxiety isn't this issue..but the whole basis of CBT, and all the 'what's the worst that can happen' type discussions has got me this far. What's the worst that can happen if I finally finally tell MN that I am an alcoholic. Now i just have to tell her. Can I really go in, after 5 sessions, with another 6 to go,and announce that all I have been saying has been covering the truth? That use this has helped with my anxiety, but actually - in tri's words that made me cry - the CBT has really set me free, to speak the truth, that alcohol is the f-ing evil that's the route of all my issues. I worry she will think she has been doing a terrible job until now? Or that she will not really acknowledge this - I like CBT but do find it v prescriptive - and skirt around that and get back to the anxiety stuff.

Tribpot - do you feel your friendships have shifted as a result of not drinking? My best friend is a heavy drinker, but yet is an incredibly core person to me and I am scared of losing the intimacy I have with her, and one or two others when I don't drink an more (which I have experienced first hand when pregnant....it does feel life isn't quite the same).

In my heart of hearts I know 'stopping for january' isn't enough for me. That is what normal or even heavy drinkers do, and I am beyind that. I need a long term solution.

The book...I just looked it up on amazon, but I dondt have a kindle, so I'll order it hard copy? I have on my book case allen carrs easy way to control drinking, bought about a week ago, and I opened it briefly today. It worked (with time) to stop my smoking, and actually I realise it is quite CBT-ish in it's ways - challenging the way you think about things. And the single thing that stops me from having a fag now...because I d still want one, but I never have one, is the sense of 'I am better off for not having one because everyone who has one would rather be on m position of not wanting one'. The difficulty is that this doesnt apply to alcohol because there are so so many normal people who are able to drink normally.

Thank you all again

tribpot Sat 17-Nov-12 22:48:56

Bluelights - some stuff here about the links between anxiety, depression and problem drinking.

Again, I totally felt the same: I couldn't cope with the stressors in my life without alcohol. Couldn't sleep, etc. I find in reality I am much better able to cope with things - and sleep - without alcohol. But it's scary as buggery to have to give up the one thing you know will 'help'.

HousewifefromBethlehem Sat 17-Nov-12 22:55:01

Just a quick hello from me. I remember feeling just as you do.

Someone up thread pointed out that it's less exhausting not to drink and I wholeheartedly agree.

Will post more tomorrow but am off to bed now.

BluelightsAndSirens Sat 17-Nov-12 22:55:34

trib I've tried hypno apps, white noise apps and sleeping tablets (tablets leave me a nasty taste in my mouth, not as bad as a raging hangover I suppose)

I'm thinking of hypnotherapy to help with the anxiety as I hate taking ads, small part of me thinks it is going to be the alcohol and stresful job <gulp>

HorsesDogsNails Sat 17-Nov-12 22:56:20
Somethinggottagive Sat 17-Nov-12 22:58:21

Cross posts, which are so incredibly helplful thank you. Two things stick out:

Bird - the Bloody Stigma. Absolutely. There is no stigma, nay, a reward, for giving up fags or losing weight, (both my previous battles) but yet alcohol and you get labelled an alcoholic (which i am fair enough but also don't want to wear that sticker).

And tri - exactly, that is where I am at. Some people - normal people - don't drink alone yet j get drunk alone. And I prefer that as I don't embarrass myself (bar checking m emails and texts the next morning but I M quite good now at minimising my feeling of guilt and not touching my phone on those nights - yet again, there is so much in my life I can control, the single bastard icant is alcohol).

I dint yet feel a release, I feel shit where will this go and I still feel very very tempt to shut myself down again...I want ti get to a point where I have come too far ti go back, yet without telling others, I am just not ready, this while thing has been very gradual and just writing about it is a bit unbelievable for me.

tribpot Sat 17-Nov-12 23:02:20

Somethinggottagive - I think you might find some interesting stuff on the NHS Choices site - CBT might be beneficial for the problem drinking as well. What I would do with your therapist is be completely up front: you have been deliberately concealing from her the fact you have a problem with alcohol and the sessions you have had have allowed you to realise it's time to come clean. She will know how good addicts are about covering their tracks (and frankly, does anyone expect to get to the nub of any problem in 5 sessions of CBT?) - she will have seen it all before. I know you may feel a bit daft 'er, right, there's this other thing I forgot to mention' but better daft than wasting another 6 sessions talking about the wrong problem.

Re: the book being a Kindle one - you can download a Kindle app to your iPad, or phone - you don't need an actual Kindle. This also means you don't have to wait / have the excuse of waiting for the hard copy to arrive smile

In terms of friendships - my life is already quite distant from those of my friends because my DH is chronically ill and in a wheelchair. So in that sense, being 'different' from them in another way hasn't been any worse. It's possible (even probable) you may find your relationship with your best friend changes if she finds your revelations uncomfortably close to home, but that's a choice you have to make. Lots of my friends are happy not to have a drink when we go out - even to the pub (this tends to be when it's just me and one of them, most of them have too much of a herd mentality to forego the beers when one of the guys would see them). Fortunately I was never a 'social problem drinker' really - in that I didn't need anyone else geeing me up to drink, or particularly drink more if I was out with one person than another - most of my bad drinking was done at home.

Again, you can only try. You will need to focus on you and on your recovery, and that may mean not having so much contact with people who aren't at the same place on their journey - or at least perhaps changing things up a bit so you see them in situations where drinking is less likely.

tribpot Sat 17-Nov-12 23:15:05

Bluelights - you may find the sleeping improves if you come off the booze for a longer period of time. (I know I keep saying this - but it is true grin). But it takes a while - you need some kind of support whilst you're doing it so you can just crash out when you're exhausted.

And Somethinggottagive - you're scared of where this thread might take you, what you might admit. Bear in mind, you're in control. You have the thread deleted, you can name change and none of us will ever know. Even if any of us would blame you - and I think you can tell we wouldn't - you have no idea whether we're actually a bunch of hairy handed truckers with vodka on IV drips just pretending to be sober grin. I would let the thread stand for a few days and see how you feel.

RedRosie Sat 17-Nov-12 23:24:02

Somethinggottagive - this isn't me, but was someone close to me - my DM. Its all in the recognition of the problem ... Trib's advice is All Good.

tribpot Sat 17-Nov-12 23:30:31

Rosie - hello to you! I was actually popping back on to say my other piece of advice is the therapeutic value of knitting. I think this has been a massive help to me in the last year - keeps the hands busy (and tends to go better when you're sober!) and lets the mind wind down much more productively than just watching TV or whatever.

Somethinggottagive Sat 17-Nov-12 23:33:51

Thank you all. Tribpot, if and when I get better, you are my very first step for which I am weepingly grateful. I have to tell my therapist. I am closer than ver ever before ....I just have to say itl. How have I got myself into therapy yet STILL deny my alcohol problem? Madness, but I must. Do I just say 'um, could we drop the anxiety thing and focus on my (previously never mentioned) alcoholism??).
I have posted on brave babes, thank you.
Redrosie - that is very pertinent, it was My DM too, and now is me too sad

tribpot Sat 17-Nov-12 23:53:05

Btw, I had therapy and never admitted the alcohol problem - I stopped going after a few sessions (I suspect mainly for this reason).

If you think telling your therapist might be too hard, why not write it down and ask her to read it at the start of a session? I think it's genuinely important to admit you have been concealing it. The act of hiding is what makes the rest possible.

Keep going - we all falter and fall over on this journey. But you've taken an important step on the road tonight.

tribpot Sun 18-Nov-12 12:55:22

How are you doing today, OP?

aliasjoey Sun 18-Nov-12 13:17:31

thanks horse for posting the link to the Bus - I don't know how to do links! <showing my age>

Somethinggottagive Sun 18-Nov-12 16:15:59

Hello I am doing well thanks! Am as determined as I was last night and am feeling relieved, and pleased with myself for taking this first step.

I posted on the brave babes last night and have just updated there now. Thank you so much for the link.

And I have ordered the book too - thank you.

Thank you for your honesty and support and for picking me up and carrying me forward last night. I don't yet feel the world is a brighter place, but i believe there is one day soon when it will!

tribpot Sun 18-Nov-12 22:19:07

Well done, Something. I had a look at the thread and I think limiting your social events whilst you work through this is a sensible idea. It's very interesting that you are convinced you will be letting people down if you don't drink. (Would they be that fussed?).

I would say even if you want to try and control your drinking at home, I wouldn't attempt it at a night out - the ability to say no to another drink weakens with every one that you have.

Great to hear that you're feeling positive, you've done yourself potentially the biggest favour you ever will. Go you!

Somethinggottagive Sun 18-Nov-12 22:46:55

Tribpot, thank you. That really is such an important question re letting people down. Most - the majority - will not feel let down. I realise I assume they will do, because that is how i feel. If I have friends over for dinner, I feel let down if one of them drives. But then, i feel that way because I am an alcoholic! So crazy to assume they will feel that way too. I do see that now.
But the bigger events - like my work Christmas do and our school Christmas party, I am usually at the centre of things, being loud and funny, always the one dancing etc. i can be loud and funny akers without alcohol - over coffee with friends, in the office with work - but friends know I 'like a drink' and at parties being fun and boozing go hand in hand - so I do need to challenge these sorts of assumptions in my own mind I think.

And, although as I have said in my other post I know without question my life without alcohol will be better than my life with - I also know there will be situation like these parties that I will miss booze desperately. It will be far less fun as a non-drinker than as a drinker. or at least that is how it feels until I challenge those thoughts and work through them.

Your saying that it is so much harder to control when out (i agree) - so you suggest i go for total abstinence in those situations that I can't avoid?

I do feel positive. I am hoping that this is my rock bottom and that I have at least put the brakes on things getting any worse.

BluelightsAndSirens Sun 18-Nov-12 23:06:14

I've read through your link tribpot and so scared to say it all adds up.

I'm on ads for anxiety and did tell my GP about my drinking but. Don't think he realises where I'm at.

I think alcohol may be causing my anxiety, it's awful but I can't live without sleep and to sleep I need alcohol or sleeping tablets and. Don't like sleeping tablets but I'm scared to run out because they won't give me more....

Stop the roller coaster, I want to get off.....

tribpot Sun 18-Nov-12 23:34:19

Something - yeah, I'd go for abstinence when you're out. Is it less fun sober .. hmm, depends on the night. Some nights can be very mellow and everyone tends to pace themselves. Other nights I've been horrified at how hammered everyone seems by 6 pm and wonder how the hell they'll keep going smile

Bluelights - I think you may need to tell your GP you're self-medicating with alcohol. I honestly couldn't sleep without booze either - I totally get your concern. But this is probably a facet of alcohol dependency and it's not a solution to sleeplessness. Have a look at this.

blanksquit Mon 19-Nov-12 11:33:36

Hi only just saw your thread. I don't know if anybody else has mentioned it but there's a really good website called brighteyescounselling which has a forum for people with all kinds of alcohol difficulties. It has a kind of running 7 day thread for abstinence, then a 14 day one - there is loads of support there and a wealth of useful advice. It's anonymous too.

I have finally managed to cut down by giving up wine. I drink G&T now and usually I'll only have 2 or sometimes 3 of an evening. I really do think wine is lethal because it's just so quaffable.

I recently went to a social event and was very surprised to find I wasn't the drunk person in the room. I had a very sedate two drinks and left feeling very smug. But the best thing was I got up the next day feeling fantastic and raring to go.

Best of luck with it all. I know that alcohol makes me extremely anxious the next day. It's a lovely feeling to be rid of that anxiety and just feel happy again.

Somethinggottagive Mon 19-Nov-12 12:13:36

Thank you all. Tribpot - I am/was the one that is hammered by 6pm and just keeps on going sad but I don't want to be that one again ever.

Thank you blanksquit. Yes, I have reached a point where the high from that first delicious sip of booze (when I have an evening ahead of me to drink what I want) is now less of a high than that which I feel when I wake up and can remember everything I said, did, texted, etc. The stress that that causes me, plus generally feeling a sense of panic that someone is going to mention something I can't immediately recall - which would be a result of me being drunk (when quite often it isn't, or I haven't been told it in the first place) leaves me in such a generally awful way.

Not to mention the general anxiety about everything else.

Well done to you for finally managing to cut down.

tribpot Mon 19-Nov-12 12:44:23

Something - the 'hammered by 6' thing was everyone, not one or two individuals. I think we were in a place with 2 for 1 cocktails, nightmare. Anyway, I think this comes under the heading of 'normal' drinking rather than our kind smile (Does that make it better .. not sure).

The fear of what might have happened during the memory losses is one that I remember (er, can you remember not remembering? Anyway - that). Horrible having to brazen it out at work the next morning wondering what you might have done or what someone might comment on.

Somethinggottagive Mon 19-Nov-12 19:12:58

Just brief, as DC need attention, but already the desperation I felt when I wrote this thread is waning just slightly - I guess as I feel less depressed after almost 2 days with no booze, and the temptation to think again 'is it really so much if a problem?'. I know in my heart of heart it is - hence posting now to keep my momentum going. I shallnt drink tonight, and that is all I will aim or right now.

Even now, the utter horror of memory loss is awful. I almost have to speak out loud to block my mind from thinking about it. I don't just think of what I said to friends, but of how strangers mus have perceived me as I try to get home etc...as I said before, I have always made my way home sadly...but it is without doubt a 'there but by the grace if God' feeling about that....this 'luck' that I have to date cannot last forever. I must take control.

Dc fighting and shouting , must go, but feeling bit more motivated just recalling some of the reasonS to stop.

tribpot Mon 19-Nov-12 20:05:16

Sounds like your brain is testing your resolve, Something. Mine did this (at least, this is how I rationalised it) by making me dream about having one drink and then completely panicking about what I could do to make it right because I knew I didn't want to have drunk. Then as time went on the dreams became more about wanting more than one drink but not being able to have one. Also a nightmare. Like a kind of 'remember, this is what you could go back to' warning.

As I said above, if you had no problem with drinking, not drinking wouldn't be a problem smile The fact you're trying to rationalise why it would be okay to is the reason why it's not okay to. We can always find reasons to drink. Finding reasons not to is harder.

A good opportunity to look at your triggers as well. Can you isolate what it is that's set your thinking off tonight? Is it a regular Monday night thing? A (quite understandable) reaction to the children in the arsenic hour? Is a slight panic about not having had a drink for a number of nights? You've decided not to drink tonight, and sensibly you're not thinking about tomorrow. I think if you can get through the 'danger zone', the hours in which you'd normally start drinking, and the activities that you associate with drinking, whether that's cooking or relaxing after bed time or whatever, the anxiety should ease later on.

Somethinggottagive Mon 19-Nov-12 21:06:34

Tribpot - that is so weird! I have that with smoking. I often dream I am smoking and wale up livid with myself to think I have blown it all- only to feel overwhelmed with relief when I realise it was just a dream! Oh to have that with booze!

Totally fine with not drinking tonight. Have had an alcohol free beer, about to eat and Ihave no craving. I am worried about Friday when we are going to friends for dinner. It is billed as a v boozy night and so am worried about it now. But today is today.

Basically 10 days ago I would be SO looking forward to this night - though also anxious re how much of the alcoholic me I would 'expose', but now I feel a) how will i manage but perhaps more strongly b) I feels sad that this will no longer be a massive fun night. I won't be the me they expect me to be. But then...I only have totl think of how I would feel on sat morning as a result of uncontrolled drinking....

Thank you tribpot.

tribpot Mon 19-Nov-12 21:13:24

Great - well, that's something to aim for, the drinking nightmares grin

As a personal preference, I wouldn't drink an alcohol substitute; in my case I think it would set the associations off again. And alcohol-free wine is an abomination anyway!

Plenty of time to think about how best to tackle the dinner party in the day time when you will be less anxious about it.

Somethinggottagive Mon 19-Nov-12 21:31:18

I wondered that re the alcohol free beer. Thing is I do not drink normal beer - and I would never drink alcohol free wine yuk! So it sort of is less of a substitute. But what I like about it is that it still feels a treat at the end of the day. Although it is alcohol free I would never have it at a time of day that I would not have alcohol (eg breakfast or lunchtime when kids at school) which I would with tea, coke, water, OJ or anything else that I would Substitute for alcohol. Which is why it works so well to beat that demon craving during that kids gone to bed hour. Perhaps it is ok as a crutch for now?

Am on to the tea now!

tribpot Mon 19-Nov-12 21:44:12

Yes, alcohol-free beer at breakfast would be deeply odd, wouldn't it?! In theory nothing wrong with it but in reality just quite wrong smile

I didn't drink normal beer either, so did think about having the alcohol-free one but - as I say, personal preference - decided against.

presceccoilove Tue 20-Nov-12 11:14:16

my friend told me the other day he had stopped drinking for over 3 months, now this is a hardened drinker who has drunk for 30 plus years, talk about shocked, he has lost weight, he looked good, he was happy, he has had an addiction for so long I could not believe he could ever stop. But he has and is now driving his 'drinking' friends to the pub. So I thought to myself, he has done this all on his own, no help, can I do it? To right I can, and I am going to take his inspiration and help myself as I also have a wine problem, I love it, but I know it is bad for my health. I keep thinking if he can do it, so can I.
Just wanted to share this with you OP. Good luck.

Somethinggottagive Tue 20-Nov-12 13:05:59

Thank you presceccoilove (I like your name - I love it too). That is inspiring. Very good luck to you too. So many of us, it is so amazing to suddenly know I am not alone.

tribpot Tue 20-Nov-12 13:33:41

I think it's far more common than we realise. Because alcohol is so pervasive in our society (as you'll start to notice when you're not drinking it!) it's pretty easy to cross the line between drinking and problem drinking. Its ready availability in supermarkets means it's very easy to drink in private as well. (Not that I'm advocating its removal from supermarkets - I used to live in Sweden where the sale of alcohol is much more controlled, and it didn't stop me, or virtually anyone else, from drinking too much!)

If you have the chance to get a healthcheck through work, it's worth doing partly for the horror stories you can hear from healthcare professionals. (Admittedly the guy who did my last one used to be a rehab nurse in Glasgow). He said that in his experience, women could very quickly go past the point of no return with drinking - at a level that many men would be able to sustain for many years. He had seen women go into rehab with basically no chance of survival sad

Now I'm not suggesting any of us, even I, are in imminent danger of dying in rehab. But I think we would all have wanted to address the problem sooner if there were better ways of measuring the amount of damage being done. My PCT has just launched a campaign about drinking and it features an 'ageing calculator' (click on the clock to access it). It takes a massively unflattering picture of you and then shows you how even more massively unflattering it would be if you did ten years of hard drinking grin

I also think it's very, very easy - unless you are an exceptionally light drinker - to be drinking over the recommended units in a week. Even if it's only a bit over.

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