Telling a new partner about incontinence/ enuresis

[chesterberry]

Hope I've posted this in the right place? During pregnancy with my DD (10mo) I developed both daytime and night-time incontinence, towards the end of my pregnancy and for several months afterwards I needed to wear pull-up pants to avoid embarrassment as accidents were frequent. I've been religiously doing pelvic floor exercises and the daytime incontinence has now become much, much better so that I can usually get away with just a panty-liner. I'm hoping that it will continue to improve.

However, the bed-wetting has not improved at all (actually is worse now DD is mainly sleeping through the night). I have been to my GP who couldn't find a cause, I wet the bed up to my early teens and so as I have a history he seems largely disinterested. It's a pain and embarrassing but has been manageable as I haven't needed to tell anybody.

But I have started seeing a new partner. We have known each other years but mostly only saw each other through mutual friends and had no independent relationship. At easter I went to visit my parents in my home town where I met up with him and we hit it off quickly. I wanted to take things slow as he is the first person I've had a romantic relationship with since my partner of over 3 years left me just over a year ago, the first person since I had DD and we live in different towns about 200 miles apart.

I went back to stay with my parents over half-term (I'm a teacher) and things are now more serious between us. He came to stay last weekend but he stayed in a local B&B as I said I didn't feel ready for him to stay in our flat because I co-sleep with DD. He's going to come again next weekend and he's offered to stay in the B&B again, but at some point I would like him to stay with me. He's really great with DD and although I am using her as an excuse I know the real reason I won't let him stay is really the bedwetting. I feel really anxious about telling him and that I wear protection to bed, I feel it might put him off completely as he is already taking on a lot with me being a single parent. However I do want the relationship to progress and unfortunately if ever we share a bed he will have to find out.

Can anybody offer any advice on how to approach this and how to tell him? At the start of the relationship I planned to drop enuresis into the conversation somehow in a way that wasn't related to me (eg: something I'd read/seen om TV) and try and gauge his reaction to it but I kept chickening out and now I'm not sure if that's a bit dishonest and I should just tell him? I'd really like to tell him next weekend either so we can end it before things get too serious or so he can stay with me the next time.

[chesterberry]

Sorry, I didn't mean for that to be so long. I'm a bit of a stickler for detail much of which was probably unnecessary.

[Berthablazer]

Before you say anything to him I'd advise you to visit a different GP who will hopefully be better.

I have had a different but also embarrassing issue - the first doctors (GP then gynae) I saw were pretty dismissive. I was about to go back to the gynaecologist when I thought it might be worth giving another GP a go. It turned out she was absolutely fantastic, listened to me, etc etc..

You have plenty of reasons - small DD, long-distance, fairly recent break-up - to take it slowly with your new man, so I'd hold fire until you see a doctor who is, at the very least, sympathetic to your problem.

[Verynovicegardener]

In the first instance i would request a referral ? To urologist or gynae as ther may well be at least some aggravating/ treatable factors (just as would be the case for a woman who developed incontinence after childbirth but had no 'history'. It's not good enough to just brush you off. There may be a number of interventions to actually improve your situation, medications ( particularly for the nocturnal enuresis, have you ever explored these?) and specialist physio etc.
As far as the new relationship goes, it's tricky but the best beta I think is to continue taking it slow, maybe let him know in due course that since having your Dc you occasionally have this issue when you sleep deeply and that you are seeking treatment and are hopeful t will in time resolve, if he is worth having he will accept this!