i've got an eating disorder.

[bourne]

I have never told anyone this. It has been a secret for about 15 years ( since I was in my early 20s)
I go for a few days or weeks of "normal" eating then for a day, a week or however long I can think of nothing but food and eat, eat, eat!
I can eat colossal amounts of food.Sometimes I will make myself sick afterwards.
It is so strange. The desire to overeat just comes over me like a wave. It is not present all the time and sometimes I think I have grown out of it as I will be ok for a few weeks but it always comes back, and I live in fear of it coming back.


Does anyone else share my problem? Is there a cure or treatment?
I am tired of living this way

[doormat]

Hi bourne have a look here
hopefully this will give you some idea about your problem.

hugs
xxx doormat

[WSM]

Hi Bourne.

Fist of all, well done you for admitting this. It is an old cliche but you really have taken the first step. To my (untrained) ear/eye it looks like bullimia nervosa. Not everyone with an eating disorder has a disrupted/abnormal eating pattern all of the time. I can eat normally for months and then I will go through a phase of eating nothing (or very little) for a few days, the thought of food repulses me and turns my stomach. I've had fewer 'down days' since meeting my DH, and even less since the birth of DD but I still get the feeling every now and again. I just seem to be a bit more able to cope with it now, I have no idea why.

The link doormat has provided is excellent but I would urge you to see your GP about it when you feel ready. There is no point in rushing it as you will be less likely to be able to deal with it. If you don't feel able to speak to your GP about it then perhaps look in your local yellow pages for counsellors, sometimes it is easier to talk it over with a stranger in the first instance.

Best of luck
WSM
xx

[zebra]

Bulimia technically just means "binge overeating". Even if it's only occasional. Most bulimics don't throw up, they just get fat from their eating excesses. Although plenty also do extreme exercise, laxatives, whatever it takes to not get fat. Anyway, good for you, Bourne, to admit you have a problem.

There are all sorts of "cures"; be grateful you're not anorexic, at least, because they can rarely stop starving themselves altogether. I went to Overeaters Anonymous when I did similar behaviour to yours which was the right route for me, but might not suit you. I have been to meetings of the Eating Disorders Assoc. in Norwich, too, and thought it was ok, but they were very much oriented towards classic pattern starvers/vomitters and aren't so brilliant at knowing how to deal with other types of eating disordered behaviour (but may be better, nowadays). A room full of anorexics is one scary place to be, I tell you. Walking skeletons, all dressed in enormous sweaters to hide their "fat" bodies.

Use Contact another talker via Mumsnet if you want to send me an email & talk offline.

[WSM]

Zebra, it has now been accepted that Bullimia and Binge overeating are 2 separate conditions. Bullima patients purge and generally Binge eaters don't.

[WSM]

It has taken a long time for the medical world to see and make the distinction.

[zebra]

I know that's the conventional thinking, WSM, and it pisses me off. All binge eating is an eating disorder, but only if you do the dramatic puking afterwards does it get "sexy" enough to get called a medical condition, with it's own special name (that used to refer to all binge eating but now gets reserved only for those who also puke afterwards), deserving of public sympathy. Princess Di was bulemic, wasn't she, so it can't be a sign of poor character, can it? Whereas if you have an binge eating problem but don't do the vomitting, that makes you probably fat, with a disgusting body, and you don't deserve any sympathy since it's obviously your "choice" and lack of "willpower" . When I went to an EDA meeting in Norwich they honestly said that they didn't view habitual binge eating as an eating disorder unless you purged afterwards. It didn't matter whether it made you fat, ruined your life or messed up your head. You had to "puke" or "starve" to qualify.

[WSM]

Despicable attitude Zebra (the ones you encountered, not yours !!!)

[bourne]

Thank you very very much for all of you who have helped by replying.
I have been thinking abut this all day.
I am intersted in your comments zebra about all binge eating being an eating disorder.I must agree as I feel the "core" of my problem is that I have uncontrollable episodes of binge eating. The making myself sick is really a secondary problem ( not that I am making light of it, I know it is very bad for my health)
I have read up on bullimia and I don't fit the pattern of people who try to vomit everything they eat , several tmes a day. I only do it occasionally, and always after bingeing, never after normal eating.

The other side of the coin is, I don't inevitably make myself sick after bingeing.

It's the overwhelming urge to eat and eat and eat that gets me down. If I did not have these face stuffing episodes I would never make myself sick.

Sorry if I am repeating myself but it is the bingeing not the vomiting that is my main problem.


It goes back to trying to lose weight in my late teens ( I have never been fat, just half a stone or a stone heavier than I would like) when I could never stick to healthy eating long enough without undiong it all by having a binge....so I would make myself sick as an affort to limit the damage caused by the binge.


Zebra I really appreciate your offer of help but am not yet at the stage of confiding in anyone in "real life". I could not tell my lovely GP, just couldn't do it, even though it's his job and all that.

I notice the website you mentioned doormat talks about all eating disorders birn to do with deeper emotional issues which need resolving. I am not sure I believe this to be true in all cases. I am pretty "normal" in most respects!

[SofiaAmes]

There seems to be some evidence that lack of vitamins/minerals can cause/exacerbate depression/eating disorders. Have you tried just taking a daily multi-vitamin with iron. It certainly couldn't hurt and it might help.

[zebra]

I think it took me about 5 months after I realised I had a binge-eating problem to admit it to anyone else in real life.

Binge eating is sometimes a way of trying to stuff your feelings back down where they came from; you feel out of control of yourself, and want under no circumstances to feel those feelings.

I like to share this because it helped me, but it's not a recipe for everybody. If I felt like binging, I would think, "I haven't a clue why I would want to binge eat right now, but if there was a reason it might be X" where X was usually some situtation, maybe quite trivial in my life. And I would say to myself "Ok, I'm going to have a massive binge in a minute, but first I'll do something, however small, about problem X". I never denied myself the binge, I couldn't tackle it head on, but the more I got used to dealing with the problems and sometimes that just meant allowing myself to think thru some painful situation -- the smaller the binges got until they didn't rule my life any more.

[doormat]

Pie I only intended to give bourne some advice and help and just linked on to the main one to give it to her quickly.
I have no idea about eating disorders just wanted to help in some way. I am sorry if I have offended you.

[zebra]

Doormat, i'm sure you didn't offend Pie. We're just talking about the social stigmas that come attached to eating disorders. It's a poorly understood, poorly recognised type of problem. Nobody wants to admit to a type of mental illness, anyway. Plus it's irritating if someone wants to treat your problems as though they must stem from a certain type of cause, and you just know that they don't.

One of my experiences with the EDA was that they wanted to focus on events that happened before I was 7yo, and I know that the worst part of my childhood happened when I was older. That was completely discounted, though. Drove me crazy that my trauma from later years was dismissed out of hand.

[doormat]

Thanx zebra,
I just read through the thread and bourne made this comment so apologies to pie, sorry.
Bourne as I said in earlier post I was only trying to help.

[pie]

Don't worry Doormat you didn't offend me...just as zebra said there is alot of stigma with all mental disorders....having a badish day anyway.

Zebra I have had precisely the same problem with therapists concentrating on stuff I am actually ok with. (need cross smilie)

[doormat]

Pie thanx, was worried I offended you.
Can understand about the stigma you and zebra mentioned.

[ThomCat]

I don't really have anything I can add but just wanted to say how much I admire you for sharing this 'secret'. Well done, that must have been so hard but you did it. You're on your way to dealing with this problem. Half the cure is just not wanting to do this anymore - really, really wanting to do something about it - so much that you finally break the silence. It must be really shit for you but with the help of professionals and friends and family you have no need to be scared. Others have gone before you and others will follow. You are not alone. You will beat this.

[bluecow]

Yes I was like that in my late teens/early 20s and followed a very similar pattern - went on huge buying splurges of food and used lots of laxatives. I'm not sure how I managed to stop it, but I think a lot of self help books about acceptance etc helped. I've always been overweight because of a hormonal problem but now it doesn't worry me and though I probably still know the calorie values of most foods, I eat completely normally now. There IS light at the end of the tunnel. Hope you find it soon.

[bourne]

Oh no I hope it's not me who is doing the offending.I did not mean I don't have an eating disorder because I am "normal " and those who do aren't - the title of thisd thread indicates I very trully believe I DO have an eating disorder.

Doormat I did appreciate the website link and it is full of good stuff.


My point ( which seems to have been bypassed) is I honestly can't think of any deep feelings I am trying to not deal with/deal with/stuff away by bingeing..It's a physical compulsion like the need to go to the toilet! ( the only analogy I can think of,not particularly good)
Sofiames I will try the multivits to see if it helps

[sarahcl]

Hi everyone,
I have read through this thread with interest. I really hope you manage to sort this out bourne as eating disorders are a particularly horrible thing to experience as we all have to eat to survive . I suffered for years and even went through a long period where I spent all day binge eating then throwing up and continually repeating the process. I have wasted a lot of money. I now have my life back on track and even have two children (I was convinced I had messed my body up too much to ever conceive). I can't really put my finger on one thing that happened to change things for me and even now I can't really say that I am completely happy with food but I believe I have things under control. I think that the two things I have learnt that have helped me over the years is that I DO have some control over my life and that I AM a worth while person who has something to offer. It has been a long hard struggle and to change things I believe you have to hit rock bottem before you will find the strength to get things sorted out. Maybe you have the determination now as you have admitted that this is one area of your life that needs addressing, good luck, and a big hug .

[bourne]

sarahcl that was a very inspiring message.
Since I first asked the question here I have only made myself sick twice.
Talking about it here made me realise it is just plain silly.
I have still felt the urge to binge a few times but usually resisted because I knew it wouod lead to inducing vomitting and I relly want to stop doing that.

[zebra]

Maybe it's a kind of comfort to you, Bourne? What does binging and vomitting mean to you? What does it say about yourself? Can you dare to be honest and tell us how it makes you feel?

Because I could imagine that it makes you feel hopeless and awful... could it be that this is the only time you feel safe about letting yourself feel "out of control", or "Not really part of reality" or just confirming some tiny belief that you're a rotten person? And even if you don't believe that any more, maybe it's just a habit that brings back some kind of familiar and therefore comfortable feelings?

I admit I am speculating and may be wildly off the mark!!

[bourne]

zebra I am totally flattered that you would speculate about my shameful habit!!!!!

The point is exactly that there are NO deep meaningful emotions surrounding my sick making . Every resource/website I have seen siuggests that binge/vomit cycle is about dealing with some deep powerful emotions.
Hand on heart, that is not the case with me.
I try to eat a balanced low fat diet so asnot to gain weight most of the time but efvery so often I feel the urge to eat to bursting. Then so I don't gainweight because of the binge, I make myself sick.

As I have previously mentioned , it is not the making myself sick that I see as the problem but the urge to stuff food into my mouth uncontrollably once in a while.
I get no deep psychological relief from vomitting , just the calm realisation I won't get fatter as a result of my greediness>
Am I making sense?

[auntynon]

Bourne, I have a history of eating disorders, from my late teens to late 20's, including anorexia and bulimia and involved a whole load of binging. I tried to overcome my problems with food countless times but just couldn't do it myself. I was referred by my GP to a specialist unit and embarked on an outpatient programme which worked. I was treated at Harewood House which is part of St Georges Hosp in Tooting, the people there are angels who gave me my life back! My advice is that if your problem has existed for years, which it has, you will need proffessional help to break the habit. I thought I would never have a normal relationship with food but I'm pretty much there now. Good luck, Auntynon.