Long term depression

[barmy]

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in May 2002 and take antedepressants to help me 'cope' with it. I have also had 2 courses of counselling. There was no obvious cause for my depression (DD was 15 months old) and its onset, and I have always been a very confident, capable person. I am currently signed off sick from my job as a Pensions Manager.

Things seem to be dragging on longer than my GP expected and he is now suggesting that he refers me for psychiatric help. Has anyone been in this situation and how long should these depressive stints last? I am feeling a little desperate that I will have to live with this forever.

I have changed my name for this posting.

[Janstar]

I have been through this and the bouts of depression ruined years of my life. Anti-depressants can help manage the symptoms, but they are not a cure. With me, the bouts of depression always came back, often when I was going through happy stages in my life without many problems. I think you can cope with problems too well and your pain becomes hidden inside you, only to surface when you are in a safer place.

Sometimes people are such good copers that they can't even identify their own feelings and what is causing their depression after a while.

Psychotherapy helped me to understand my feelings, inner wounds and the effect they were having on my behaviour. Only after this was I able to change unhealthy choices I had made in relationships and my attitude to myself. It was a turning point in my life. If I could change one thing I would have gone through therapy at the age of 18 instead of waiting till 35. I resent those wasted years but it is too late now. If I were you I would not waste another day but begin therapy so that you can beat this crippling illness and start living your life the way it was meant to be - with some room for joy.

All the people I know who have had psychotherapy are more content, calmer people because of it and they are usually very good at reasoning and understanding theirselves and others. I see a lot of people who would benefit enormously from psychotherapy and it is sad that they do not take it.

There is nothing to be frightened of - psychiatrists do not interrogate you or force you to face things you don't want to. Rather, they know how to guide you through your own thoughts so that you can explain your anguish to your self. It is marvellously healing. It is the key to overcoming depression for good.

Good luck, please keep us posted as to how it goes.

[barmy]

Janstar, thank you. My depression is worse during what should be easier or happier periods too. I have never understood that and always have trouble explaining it to others.

Do you think by putting myself in the hands of a psychotherapist I will be able to find out why this has happened and why now?

I feel guilty about not being back at work yet but the last time I tried (10 months ago) I felt like I was absorbing everyone else's stress and tension. I am sorely tempted to resign, draw a line under the whole work issue and move on but work was not a problem to me. I really enjoyed my job and the social side of things.

[Janstar]

I do think you will be able to find the answers to your problems. If I were you I would not resign. Wait and see how you feel when you have been in therapy a while. Everything will become clear after a while and you can make the decision then.

email me any time you want. (just bear in mind I will soon be away a week).

[barmy]

Thanks Janstar. Waiting is always hard - I want to fix everything now!

[Janstar]

It took you years to feel this bad. I am not saying it will take years for you to get better but you must be patient, it will take time.

I think of it as a big ball of string that someone has been winding for years. Every disappointment, every wound knots and tangles it more. In therapy you will reverse that, going back and untangling it all. Not a quick job, but a certain one.

Feel positive because I assure you, you are on the path to finding happiness again, and finding yourself.

[aloha]

Janstar, that's a beautiful description! And lovely advice, I think. Barmy, you clearly still have a sense of humour if your name is anything to go by. Sorry you feel so bad. I hope therapy helps you.

[sunchowder]

Beautiful descriptions Janstar. I can totally relate to you barmy. I suffer with something called dysthymia (sp?) which I have mentioned in another thread (to fio2 I think). This is a low level type depression that can be brought on after some sort of trauma (they think)or adolsence. I was also told by my wonderful therapist that the dsysthymia I have is combined with obsessive compulsive "features".

Finding the right therapist is the key. I am an anxious and sensitive person (and have been this way for as long as I can remember) and she has the ability to acknowledge the positive part of my sensitivity and the good things that this brings to me. She can explain how I am processing things in my mind and give me some perspective. She has also taught me how to grieve which infortunately I did not learn from either of my parents and now they are both gone.

I take Celexa, 40 MG and have been on this dose for 1.5 years. When I first started to take it, I felt relieved to get up in the morning and not be "sad"--the depression was in my body and my mind. My therapist had to contually bring out the fact that I now felt like my "normal" self, this was not some sort of induced happiness which was my fear with taking the anti-depressants to begin with. I thought it would "mask" the depression. The drugs allow your nervous system to heal. Unfortunately, in my experience, after taking the medication for about six months, the effect got "muted" and as I continue to have stressful events, it is important that I continue the learning through my therapist so that I have her as sounding board and an advocate in my continued growth. I also have combined this with cranial sacro osteo and have uncovered even more emotional events that have been "stored" in my sore back and sciatic.

I have become a much freer spirit and I love to create things and have renewed interests in my art and hobbies. As I am so sensitive and anxious and an unbelievable accommodator, childbirth, sleep deprivation, and the responsibility and the depth of the love I felt for my baby affected me so deeply that this is what finally brought me to therapy and looking to make some changes. I laugh a great deal, I love to have funin fact I joke about most everything sometimes inappropriately to hide my depression from others. I believe the therapy has great benefitsthe key is finding the right one and being comfortable and willing to hear what is being said there in your sessions. All the best to you barmy and feel free to contact me if you want to talk further. Done with my novel for now, hope I didn't bore everyone!

[barmy]

Thank you Sunchowder. You are like a breath of fresh air! The thing I find most exhausting is the constant self analysis and introspection. I'm tired of talking about me to these people. A change of attitude is needed, I think!

I too experienced an overwhelming surge of love for my DD when she was born and I always worry that she will be taken away from me at an early age. It was as if I only had so much energy and my maternal instincy was to 'spend' it on her (not my DS or DH or me).

I hope I am referred to this psychiatric person soon.

It is good to know that I am not aone in this. Will keep you posted as to what happens.

[tallulah]

Looking back, I've had depression on & off since my teens. (Mainly undiagnosed). I had a major problem about 4 years ago & after a year or so of ADs I had group psychotherapy. I resisted for ages because I didn't believe it would work & in fact it took about 18 months. It was amazing to feel like a normal person (ie the way you feel on the ADS but without them) & other people have noticed the change. The worst thing is that every little set back since puts you down a little bit further, so I think it has to be ongoing. Hang on in there!

[Chinchilla]

'Barmy' (change your name by the way! ) - You are certainly not alone. I have had three periods of depression, which I have finally realised are triggered by stress, although are rooted in my unhappy childhood. I am currently on Cipralex, 20mg a day. It seems to be working, but I still get really down when under pressure, or if ds is misbehaving (tantrums etc).

We are all here if you need to talk. Sorry I can't answer your original question. I have had two different types of counselling (talking and cognative therapy), both of which worked for a while, and helped me in many other ways. However, I have never been to a psychiatrist. I hope you get an appointment soon - keep your chin up until then, and post on here. It does me the world of good when I'm feeling down!

[Rhubarb]

Barmy I have depression too, and I often find it very hard to cope. Sometimes I just want to run away and start all over again, sometimes I blame myself for being such a failure and want to punish myself for it. I convince myself that no-one could possibly love me and that my dh and dd would be better off without me. My depression is linked to hormones, and as I am pregnant right now, the depression has really taken hold. If it helps please read about how I am dealing with it here

I do agree with Janstar. You may not have noticed it but your depression has probably been building up throughout the years. How do you feel about your role as wife and mother? How much of a social life do you have? How do you see yourself as a person. It could be that you have lost your sense of self or identity. What you must not do is to blame yourself. Depression is an illness much like any other, and you probably need treatment to get through it. You won't have it for life, you are already taking positive steps to fight it, you want to regain control and it is this attitude that will ultimately 'cure' you.

Everyone experiences depression at some time in their lives. Look at such intellectuals as Stephen Fry who famously suffers from manic depression. No-one is immune from it. So go easy on yourself, be open about how you feel, keep a written diary of all the good and bad days that you have (I find this great therapy) and get some self-help books from the library. The therapist is a great idea, I find talking about it all to a third person incredibly helpful and I look forward to the sessions that I have with mine. Do let us know how you get on and best of luck!

[barmy]

Rhubarb, thanks for sharing your diary with me. I'll keep reading and may start my own. Not having a good time at the moment but perhaps keeing a diary will help. Poor DH is worried this is going to turn into a major episode. We were going to go to a party this weekend but I have cancelled. I don't feel able to face my ultra critical mother at the moment.

[sunchowder]

Rubarb, I haven't gone to the link yet, but I will and I thank you so much for sharing yourself and diary. So much good information on this thread already. Barmy, I just wanted to let you know that I tend to cocoon as soon as I start to slip into a depression, I want to be at home in a "safe" environment as much as possible and I find most people repulsive and irritating. (mumsnetters excluded) I know when this begins to happen that I must be aware of it, step back and take the time to nuture myself and see what I can do to feel better. For people that suffer with bi-polar, their sleep patterns change and this is their "sign" that they are shifing to a manic phase. As soon as you said you were cancelling the party plan and avoiding critical comments from Mom, I so identified with you. For folks that don't understand depression they almost see it as a weakness or something you should be able to shake off and "get on with life" sort of thing. They seem to feel we are indulgent and self-absorbed--they are the ones that don't wake up in the morning with that of so familar dread and heaviness that can be there when nothing in particular is really awful at the moment.

[Janstar]

Yes, I agree that cancelling going to the party was wise. If I felt a bad day coming on, I would do the absolute minimum, giving myself time to feel rotten, sleep and rest and avoiding all stress (if possible). I found that if I tried to carry on as normal I might well start a few bad days instead of one.

[ghengis]

Rhubarb, just read your online diary and am so sorry you have been having a bad time. How are things now?

[Rhubarb]

Oh Ghenghis, I've just this minute updated it! Things are improving now, I set myself a goal to reach 35 weeks and I've reached it! There were times I really didn't think I would make it this far, once that black hole sucks you in you simply cannot see the way out. But there is a way out and time does move on. I still get bouts of despair, frustration and resentment, but I am more able to cope with these feelings now. It helps that I've been keeping myself busy, I've not been sitting around contemplating my situation.
So things are much better! Thank you for asking!

[ghengis]

Good to know you've made 35 weeks, well done! Glad things are better

[M2T]

Rhubarb - 35 weeks already?? WOW... that seems really fast!

Not to you I s'pose. Not long now though.

[susanmt]

barmy - I also suffer from long term depression, which began as a teeanager and has been treated on many different occasions with varying degrees of sucess. I've been in hospital twice, once postnatally, once while I was still a student, and have had possibly every treatment under the sun, including ECT, to try to sort it out.
The thing that worked best for me (I'm actually about to start another course of it, once my baby is born, No3 is due in 6 weeks) is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or CBT. A lot of the problems my depression causes are due to me not being able to cope (for example, I find it VERY hard to cope when I can't contact my dh) and the CBT has, over 3 courses, taught me loads of ways to change my thought patterns and behaviour, and helped me to deal with the things that trigger my bouts of depression.
I also had some pretty intensive counselling/psychotherapy, which was useful, but I have found that having ways to think and cope has begun to minimise the impact depression has on my life. Both my psychiatrist and my GP have expressed the opinion that I am of a depressive character and that is quite hard to change, but if I can learn to deal with it then it is less of an issue, as it doesn't impinge on my everyday life.

I don't know if this is any help. One of the main things I find that does help (and Mumsnet has been great for this) is that I am not the only person out there who suffers from this illness. And you are certainly not barmy! Keep talking to us, if it helps. Its good to have a sounding board.

[melsy]

Barmy - You r so not alone, I cannot believe how many people suffer from this from reading the amount of messages about it every day, Myself included.
Sunchowder I found your first post so articulated my situation, so poetic.I so related , as suffered agraphobia for a long time, but didnt know what it was. Much of this was brought on by things that happened in childhood and followed into adolescence.(won't go into it on here.)
I Like your analogy also Janstar ,as going to therapist was a security for a while and allows you to "brain dump" every week!!!sounds revolting , but that is what it felt like, u can let go of stored rubbish!!!.

[kaz33]

Room for another one, I am just starting to realise that I suffer from depression and have done on and off from my childhood. Because it has been there as long as I can remember I have sort of assumed that it is normal, because it is for me.

Have just been to the doctors and got some AD's prescribed and considering whether to take them. Today I took DS1 out and was determined to have a good day with him, we did but it was such hard work motivating myself.

I seem to be ok on familiar territory - DP and kids but everything else sends me running for cover. I want to curl up in a ball and escape.

The reason for this particular attack, other than the stress of a new 5month baby, is my impending return to work in December. Don't like my job particularly, but in particular have a very bad relationship with my bosses and had a very bad appraisal before going on maternity leave.

I think I want to take the AD's to see if it makes a difference in the short time, and in the long term definitely want to go to counselling to deal with my very odd parents. Any way off to dinner with DP this evening and we are going to discuss.

[Rhubarb]

One thing I would say about ADs is that whilst they might treat the symptoms of depression, they are not a cure. So Kaz33, if you think the cause of your depression is your impending return to work, perhaps you should look for another way out? ADs take up to 8 weeks to work anyway, so they are certainly not fast-acting. But I do think that they are prescribed far too often these days by doctors who find it easier to simply write out a prescription. If you are finding it difficult coping with new situations and are dreading going back to work, then perhaps some positive counselling would help, it would also benefit you if ever you found yourself in the same situation again. Once you have learnt relaxation techniques, that knowledge never really goes away so it comes in very useful. ADs simply mask the real problem.

Obviously for some people they have no choice but to go on ADs, it's the only way they can cope. But if you do have a choice, I would look at alternative treatments first. It's your NHS and there are lots of alternatives out there for you to try, don't be fobbed off by a prescription-loving doctor.

[SueW]

I agree Rhubarb. I have come very close to taking ADs recently. I only did because I couldn't pluck up the courage to go to the doctor. But I was in a very dark place I haven't been since I was about 18.

However, I know most of what was causing me to feel this bad. Even when I was in that place I knew what was causing it. Gradually I have unpicked some of the knots, which have brought me out a little but there was still some very complicated big ones there which I am finding it difficult to face and until I do, I won't be happy and bouncing again although I may appear to be to all who surround me.

[alibubbles]

Rhubabrb, I agree with what you say, but what happens when you don't know what was casuing the depression? ( Not intending to be provocational about this, just mystified)

My friends all said they would never had guessed that I had depression, and also what reason had I to be depressed? I have two lovely intelligent children wonderful DG, nice home, holidays, lifestyle etc, everything I could possibly want. Why should I have dperession, anxiety and panic attacks. I am fully recovered, but I know sometimes that I feel 'near the edge' but don't know what triggers it.

[motherinferior]

I think talking therapy really does help a lot of people. I'm still not sure how much cognitive behavioural therapy did for me during my really bad bout of depression four years ago, but I think it must have done something because I'm still here: and, quite seriously, it was touch and go at various points.

Janstar, I'm going to think about that amazing way you summed it up!