Mumsnet Talk

I'm a regular but changed name due to family members on here and not ready for questions yet.
Please bear with me, long, but need some advice.
DD started hanging about with a girl who dresses/looks/acts/hangs out with boys, my dd actually thought she was a boy to start with. They are now together all the time. This girl hasn't met me yet, think she will soon now, think she was abit worried....But we have started talking on the phone and texting. On the phone the other day, talking for hours, i asked if they were in a relationship the girl said yes, thought my dd had already told me and asked if i was ok with that. My dd just avoids questions when i ask. This girl seems nice. But i don't understand the whole looking like a boy thing.
My biggest worry tho is that i let my dd go over all the time, she stays over night, in same bed as far as i can work out. Now if this was a boyfriend i wouldn't let her do that!! I seem very relaxed but wanted your views if you would give them please!

This other girl had a two year relationship at 11 nearly 12 and is now nearly 16 my dd is 16 and until now has always been very popular with the boys!!

Any advice you can give me would be great. Thank you.

In your shoes I would not be worried. If she's happy with this girl, that's what matters.

A lot of girl experiment with their sexuality when they are younger. I know myself and my sister both did. She may or may not be gay, either way does it matter if she is happy?

The only advise I can give you is accept that it is what it is and support your daughter.

If it's just the sex thing that is bothering you talk your daughter and tell her you would prefer her to wait. I wouldn't stop her staying over, if they are going to have sex, they are going to have sex, anywhere they can if needs be. If it was my dd I'd rather her be in the safety of someone's home.

thanks electra for replying.

I kind of think the same way, but was just bit worried as if it was a boy i wouldn't be letting them sleep in the same bed more or less every night!

Still, i'm just probably making problems where there aren't any

thank you shiny, thats more or less how i've been handling it really, so all good then

oksonowwhat- You sound like a great mum, you sound very understanding and it sounds like you have a great relationship with your dd.

Cary on doing what you are doing.

The only thing that seems strange is that you are texting and having phone cnversations with the girl!

There is nothing to worry about re your dd having a relationship with a girl, as long as she is happy and confident about it. Just be relaxed and positive in your communication with your dd and let it be known that you will always support her and answer her questions whenever she has any. And be on her side if any fuss starts from family.

I don't know what I think about the bed thing. She is 16, so of age, it seems a well founded relationship, so I probably wouldn't worry.

I think the looking like a boy thing is neither here nor there, really.

(I have experience of having residence of a gay DSS who came out at 14/15)

I too think it is weird you are spending hours on the phone talking to this girl and texting her. Is this what mums do now with their teenage daughters' friends? I'd have been mortified if my mum had had a relationship like that with any of my friends.

dumpy, yes i see where you're coming from about the phonecalls, seems abit strange. But she got my mobile number from dd and has txt me everynow and then if can't get hold of dd. And the phone calls are sometimes at night when my dd is somewhere else she calls for her and then stays on and chat. To be honest i think she was trying to suss me out see if i was nice or not! Maybe shes worried about seeing me since my dd was straight until she met her!!! Oh i don't know!!!!

I am supporting her, but silently i think as dd doesn't speak about the relationship as such just goes on about the girl all the time.
As for dressing up as a boy, that did confuse me as i wondered if it was an issue, is she a boy in a girls body all that sort of stuff!!!!

thank you for replying.

y r u texting and on the phone to ur daughters girlfriend?? thats the odd bit!!

sophie...you still think thats odd after reading why i think she calls me? I think shes abit shy maybe.... I think it will be ok when she eventually gets the courage to come here.

Well, i think it is what kids do nowadays...whilst i've been on here three of her male friends have been txting me whilst their in class!!! I thought it was just frienly! Although i did tell them to gt off their phones and do some work!!

marne, thats nice was starting to feel abit of a weirdo

just think it a bit weird u have her number wen u havnt even met her, thats all

You haven't really read my posts properly i don't think. My dd gave her my mobile number and obviously she gave her our home number. She gave her my mobile number so that if her battery runs out when she's out with her then she or i can get in touch. Sensible really. Then the other girl began txting just to let me know details of pick ups and stuff and then it led on to txting just nice friendly 'hellos' and stuff. No big deal. Have you got teenagers Sophie? My kids friends are always txting me and i know they do it to other mums aswell!

That wasn't my issue it was advice on a new lesbian relationship really!

I got away with the whole staying over at a friend's thing at this age but there wasn't much going on tbh. No worries about pregnancy and few about STIs so I wouldn't worry too much.

Let your DD know she has your support, that is all that matters.

The tomboyishness of the other girl is to be expected. It's hard to find your feet in terms of being proud of your sexuality and your gender. Truly 'butch' women are few and far between and are much maligned which is terrible really. If she's nice and nice to your DD that's all that matters.

leningrad, that is so helpful, thank you

The not getting pregnant bit is what i have been really pleased about really! No chance of that

I'm cool about it, she seems to be really caring and sweet with dd, so thats great.

Will just see how it goes, hope dd will actually talk about it evenutally tho!

YW, your DD will only talk about it if she feels she has your full and unconditional support. No judgements, no concerns, no perceived criticisms of her girl/friend.

If she is a lesbian this may take her a long time to come to terms with let alone you! If it's a crush she won't thank you for pointing that out.

Support and love, all that matters. There might be some useful info on FFLAG's site.

www.fflag.org.uk/

Don't worry about all the possible scenarios and what ifs. I came out at 19, never thought I'd have kids (thought a partner might), never discussed any of this with my parents apart from a few awful occasions when it was made clear that I was weird and not welcome and now have two beautiful DSs (am now nearly forty). I have a great group of friends and am part of a wonderful community.

The only thing that has ever caused me deep unhappiness was the attitude of my parents. All is ok-ish now, they see the DC etc, but it's taken years and is not entirely easy. It doesn't sound like you'll cause those problems for your DD so all should be well. Good luck!

leningrad, thanks for the link, will take a look.

So lovely to read that you have such a happy life now

Took in everything you said and will offer support and just listen and see what happens.

thank you again.

Just wanted to add that I would have loved to have a Mum as understanding and balanced as you when I was a teenager.
Also, to reiterate leningrad's comments I would not worry too much about what is happening when they sleep over. You seem like a lovely caring and intelligent Mum. I guess the only thought I wanted to add was that at this stage in life many young people are just not able to say whether they are gay or straight and that your comment about "just listen and see what happens" seems spot on to me.
Your DD is a fortunate girl to have a Mum that allows her to navigate her sexuality in this loving and accepting manner. Good for you!

thank you flatpack. This is all new with me so going with the flow

Feel abit happier now, i actually met her this weekend She was so so nervous!! Was trying to talk but seemed scared to look at me! But shes only young so guess its hard for her. But she was just so lovely and you could tell she thinks the world of my dd

If i'm honest, it was a little strange seeing my dd with her girlfriend, but i'm not sure if i actually felt strange just thought i should feel strange, iyswim!!!

They are so young and she was really so sweet, shes coming over to stay soon.

Funny thing is, my dd was so relaxed about it, just introduced us, shes never done it formally like that before!!! I really like her

I thought i might update you! Sometimes i read posts and then wondered what happened! Anyway, so if anyones interested...... Well, my dd brought her girlfriend round to stay the night about four/five weeks ago and i can say that apart from her needing to go back home for work or exams she has hardly left since!!! Her mum seems fine about this as she pops in there every now and again.

I can't help thinking it is all abit intense but they just don't want to be apart!!! A few of my friends and family have now met her and that seemed to go ok. My mum has met her but doesn't know whats going on, although how she doesn't realise i will never know as they are so tactile all the time!!

She is such a lovely girl, it is all still new to me, but as a person she is just lovely and so sweet with my dd.

I don't know if this is an awful thing to say but i feel like she is a man in a womans body, is that awful to say? She dresses and acts like a boy all the time and anyone looking at her would think she was a boy...this is the only thing that confuses me a little. I do sometimes wonder if my dd just thinks shes a boy!!!?? Oh i don't know....! Sometimes to think too much makes things too complicated, if i just accept them both as they are everything is lovely and normal to us

I would love any comments about this that anyone cares to make!

If this is the first proper sexual experience for your daughter then it must be lovely for her. Not all relationships last and so no reason to assume her sexuality is fixed at this young age. Maybe it's an experimental phase, sounds like you are handling it well, but imo no need to encourage them further or facilitate them too much.

Ah, the intensity of youthful relationships...
I remember an old joke..
Question - What does a Lesbian bring to her second date?
Answer - A removal Van

It sounds very intense and I hope they are happy. One note of caution is that intense relationships at 16 can sometimes explode into high Drama, angst and traumatic break-ups. This may not be the case of course, I know a couple who got together at 16 and are very happily together 20 years later...but I also remember the sheer melodramatic fervour of first relationships.

You sound fab and like a wonderful mum but you are definately sounding much more "involved" than my experience of parents and teenage relationships (I may be out of touch on this..I would have been burnt at the stake before I confided in my parents at 16)
So possibly your point about just going with the flow will have to include something about not getting too caught up in any drama that might play out if they hit problems?

On the "I feel like she is a man in a woman's body" note I would urge caution. Who knows what conditioning we have all had about what Men and Women should look and behave like? I was asked once "who plays the man?" in mine and DPs relationship and they seemed surprised to hear that neither of us did as we were both clearly female and that was kind of the point...

Also, at the risk of presenting an obvious point, if they are that "close" I suspect your DD is in no doubt that she is a girl.

I wish both of them and you all the very best.

Oh i love the replies you have both given me i really do, thank you.

The removal van joke!!!! Oh my god, is that what its really like? Why then? Is it just much more of an intense relationship with two women then?? That removal stuff is just what its like though, we have more of her clothes here than i think she has left at home!!

I love what you also said about her being in no doubt that she is a girl, yes, i should have thought about that before i typed it lol!

I also have worried that maybe i am letting them 'get on with it all' too much, but it is hard to know when to stop or why they should stop. If it was a boy i certainly wouldn't be letting him sleep in her bed every night, hypocritical i suppose but true.

Thank you all again, its lovely and helpful to have someone to chat to.