Mumsnet Talk

Hi everyone!,

We hope its ok to join and post to your group.

We are a gay couple (both male) whom have recently been feeling a little bit isolated and unsure since becoming new gay dads via surrogacy. Finding some genuine like minded parents/friends who live for their kids seems to be difficult.

Since completing our rather tortuous & sometimes impossible journey to acheive our long term dream of having our own genetic kids, we recently succeeded, and now have two beautiful boys - (whom we are both mum and dad to). Unlike many same sex female couples or single mums, we appear to have encountered a much more judgemental reaction from many sources, (many unexpected). So the last 3 years have effectively been in reclusion.

However, a friend happend to see this group and suggested it might be worthwhile to test our faith in human nature again and reach out. So we hope that there are indeed some other genuine people out there whom are like minded and also live for their kids.

We are not sure what to expect, so hope that we will all be pleasantly surprised.

We are both decent, law abiding, hard working dependable people, both of whom have formerly lived 'normal' heterosexual lives and have now been together for 20 monogamous years. We appreciate that not everyone agrees with our choices, but we intend to do all we can to try and ensure our kids have as balanced a life as possible. If we can find others in a similar position whom can understand and can share ideas and support, then it will be worthwhile.

In the meantime, sorry for writing 'War & Peace', but we hope the most worthwhile journeys start with the smallest of steps:-).

Take care for now and thanks for reading this.

Hello Hello.

Congratulations on you DC's. You are most welcome here. Get in there and get posting. There are all sort of people on here

Can't understand why you have had judgemental reactions apart from some people only know how to make themselves feel better by putting others down which is really

I have a 3 year old DD and have only been on MN myself for a few months but be warned it can get addictive.

Hope to spot you on future posts

Hello and Welcome
Sorry you haven't found a lot of support up until now. I hope that will change.
I have a 5yr old and almost 2 yr old.
Mumsnet is certainly scarily addictive!

Hi

I can't be much practical help as I live in Ireland, but I just wanted to give you some support - I'm sure you will find some people to talk to. Where do you live? are there any groups for gay parents nearby?

Hi there!
It's very nice to make your acquaintance. Congratulations on your two beautiful boys. I've got just one beautiful boy, 17 months. Whereabouts are you all?

You sound like you might have a lot in common with single mothers by choice (like me) - whether gay or straight, as your decision to parent has had to be incredibly proactive and well-thought out and you've had to put in a lot of effort, time and energy to realise your end goal. However, I imagine the difference for you two is that it's almost immediately obvious that you're a non-traditional family, whereas, in my case, I can choose how soon to reveal to others that I'm a choice mum and be more discriminating about how much I tell and to whom.

I think it's terrible if you've felt negativity from others - because you're part of that very proactive group of parents who've had to plan way ahead and decide that parenting is right for them, rather than this just being a 'happy' by-product of a man/ woman relationship. So your starting point is suffused with good intentions and love for your potential children.

Do you live in a very traditional-families geographical location? Can you hook up with other gay /lesbian/single by choice parents?

I'm surrounded by traditional married couples and we know no one who is from a different kind of family but I think that most people just assume I've got an ex-husband in the background. So they don't make the judgements, immediately, that might be made if I were one of a gay couple.

Anyway, got to pick the children up from school now - but good luck to both of you and your children.

Hi LittleWonders - nice to meet you. I am a lesbian mother (of a 3 year old girl). How old are your children? Whereabouts do you live? Have you tried joining a lesbian and gay parents group?

All best and look forward to chatting more soon.

Hi 'Little wonders'

Sounds like you have had a tough time :-(

We would be up for meeting sometime? I have two little girls, and Im sure 'Sanfran' will join us for the meetup, either pre or post birth of her twins!

All the best, and good on you for posting!..there is nothing like friends :-)

Are you in London? Happy to meet up!

There are also a couple of all-dads Toddler groups in South London. I know the one in Wimbledon would be very welcoming.

Welcome!

I just posted here and lost it, so will do so again. Apologies if it suddenly appears!

Anyway, I hope you find a good welcome here on MN.

I'm not a gay parent myself, but that makes no difference.

I think (hope!) you'll find that you're very welcome here.

Just get stuck in and start posting!

ok. time to take off the white gloves and muck in.

welcome and don't let us scare you away. some most of us are nice.

Hi! Are you in London? There are loads of great playgroups and places to go, activities to take part in here. There aren't Loads of Dads/male parents at them but I think you'd be made just as welcome as everyone else.
I know you're looking for like-minded people, but I'm also a parent. Plus, no matter who you want to be friends with, they'll always have slighly different opinions/parenting styles. Anyway, Be a recluse no more! Its so easy to want to go into hiding... I really hope you can ignore those negative people, if you're having a male parent meet up I'm sending my DS along with my partner... otherwise lets all have a mumsnet playdate!

Oh, just watch out for Kerrymumbles though ...

Hello!

Yeah! We could all have a mumsnet playdate!!!! We could organise a time and place and all meet up at once, I have a few fellow netter friends who would meet up too.

hello and welcome!
i am not gay and i'm not a dad but i am a parent and i also have two sons who are fabulous!
this place is great and you will make some friends and have some fun[and some good arguments!}

solo-hope you don't mind me picking out this sentence ;

because you're part of that very proactive group of parents who've had to plan way ahead and decide that parenting is right for them, rather than this just being a 'happy' by-product of a man/ woman relationship. So your starting point is suffused with good intentions and love for your potential children.

what about those of who have not had children 'by accident'? are we chopped liver? I 'decided' i wanted children-that parenting was a good choice for me and then had two years of trying to get there and doctors visits and scans and drugs etc.trust me-getting pregnant was a very 'proactive' choice for my husband and i!!!

Probably Bowie fans as well with a posting name like that? Welcome. Just so long as you don't read the Daily Mail you will fit right in.

Hi TMMJ, tbh it was more the process of deciding how that we took the most time and care over. The whole known/unknown clinic/friend involved/not involved stuff before getting on with actually ttc (which then took forever, just bad luck).

I think that's what's meant by the time and effort put in before you even start ttc. We had to have long and involved discussions about how we wanted to parent before we even started, let alone got pg. I'm sure lots of others do too but it's not often a straight couple has to ponder the difficulties of having a third person's involvement and how that will work for the kids, unless they get into a donor situation too for some reason.

Agree though that loads of people put time, thought and effort into all this, we just had to do a lot more in advance than most.

Hi everyone,

Sorry for not being in touch sooner, wWe have been away visiting a cousin whom has just had a new baby girl, and ironically she thought we were the best people she knew to help her out! Flattery indeed.

I must say we have been pleasantly surprised at the number of supportive posts, it has made us feel much better:-).

We are in Buckinghamshire at the end of the Metropolitan line, and dont know of any local groups. Its quite a rural, conservative and traditional area, but we wanted to bring the kids up out of the city in an area with good schools.

We would love to meet up with anyone whom is interested in getting to know our little family, but can someone clarify some of teh abbreviations used in the postings, i.e. DD, DC, DS etc??

Thanks again for everyones comments, it means a lot:-)

Littlewonders

DD - Dear/Darling Daughter
DS - "/" Son
DC - "/" child/ren
DP - "/" Partner
DH - "/" Husband
DW - "/" Wife

Actually, save me boring you tiless, check out the tab marked 'abbreviations' on the Talk menu bar, next to 'getting started'.

Welcome to MN

Hi Littlewonders, just wanted to add my message of support - and I hope you don't feel like you should stick to just this forum, there's loads of bunfights interesting repartee going on elsewhere on the boards and for the most part m-netters are a tolerant bunch.

It's ironic isn't it, that you live in an area that you judge to be in your kids' best interests, and end up marginalising yourselves? If it was me, I'd just get out there, start joining your local toddler groups, and although there will be some inevitable gossiping, the more visible you are in your area, the more accepted you will become. There are bound to be some cool people you will want make friends with - and it's a good idea to do it now before your kids start school, so that by the time they do, you're unremarkable. You're not JUST gay dads, you're good parents and the sooner people can see that the sooner any controversy will die down.

Hope to see you around

'boring you tiless' ?! I meant to type 'witless'. Sorry....

I thought you meant 'titless' Sausage which I thought was post-modern irony gorn mad.

LW, you might want to post on the Dadsnet topic too, but agree, I'd just jump in anywhere on here. Not sure about any answers to isolation, it can be like that in the first few years anyway. Once preschool and the school run starts that all changes.

Hi Littlewonders,

Sanfran and I would be up for meeting!? e0mail address is audreymichelle82@yahoo.co.uk

Hope to hear from you!!!