So confused, in love with both male and female

(20 Posts)
friendsorlovers Sat 13-Jul-13 00:13:59

I have been very happily married for 16 years and until recently had never entertained the idea of feeling attracted to a woman. However after a very drunken night with friend and her husband we all ended up in bed together. we stayed with respective partners having sex but I kissed my friend lots.

All seemed fine after and it was like a bizarre dream, but ever since I have had strong feelings for my friend, in fact I would say I am in love with her and she is with me. We are very attracted to one another and have taken things further on our own since.

Our husbands are aware we have feelings towards one another but not to the extent and know that we are curious. My husband is very keen for another 4 or 3 some but both me and friend realise we wouldn't now like to see each other with our husbands.

I still love and fancy my husband very much but he is struggling, rightly so with me being attracted to a woman. He changes his mind daily as to whether he would mind me doing anything with her or not. He thinks if we just go the whole way it will be out of our system and we will go back to the way it was.

I am so torn at the moment between doing the right thing which would be to stop seeing her completely and carrying on and lying to my husband.

If anyone can help me sort this mess out I would be grateful. I never thought I would cheat on my husband and I would never cheat on him with a man, but this feels so right at the same time as being wrong. neither me or my friend wants to leave our husbands and children, but we do want to be more than just friends sad

Corkyandviolet Fri 19-Jul-13 00:05:31

Hiya!

First things first - I am really sorry to see you have had no replies to this, it must have been very disheartening for you. This section doesn't really get much traffic, which is a shame.

So many of the threads in this section are about this problem, it's incredibly common. There's one titled "feeling guilty" (which I also answered), the woman's circumstances are different from yours but the basic dilemma is the same: Should she do what she feels is her duty, and deny herself what she really wants, or should she go with her desires?

How exactly does the woman you are seeing feel about the situation? Is she feeling the same guilt as you? All relationships start off with the couple feeling really passionate and then everything eventually calming down. Do you think this might happen, after which you can move on? I think the real potential problem is if one of you eventually wants to end it but the other doesn't, that could cause absolute catastrophe if one or both of you ends up angry and bitter. I can't help feeling that if you're still at the stage where you could end this without causing too much heartbreak and devastation, then you should get out of it now, before your husband finds out.

And now, the most useful advice yet: Copy and paste your original posting and post it in the thread "am I being unreasonable?" Within minutes you will have umpteen answers, and over the next few days you'll probably have hundreds of replies. Your post will probably spark a massive debate which will help you see things from every angle. Best of luck, I hope you are still checking your post for answers and will see this! X

Corkyandviolet Fri 19-Jul-13 00:15:18

Me again, I should add that if your friend is on Mumsnet, she'll probably recognise that this post is from you! I'm sure you've already thought of that, but I'm just mentioning it...

friendsorlovers Sat 27-Jul-13 00:01:05

Thanks for replying Corky. I am still as mixed up as I was and go through awful guilt for the way I feel. I have told DH the way I feel and that I would try and just be friends with her as would miss her as a friend but I am struggling with this so much. we have been out with friends and the kids and it feels like torture not to be with her as a couple, so much so that I am seriously considering breaking all contact despite knowing it will deverstate her and I am in bits thinking about it.

Her DH is ok with us generally and knows how she feels about me but my DH is still struggling and changes his mind daily with what I can or can't do with her. I don't blame him as I would hate it if other way round but I just can't help being in love with her, I wish I could as it hurts so much. She feels the same about me. It is just so easy being together.

I still love my DH very much and fancy him and she hers and neither of us want to split our marriages up. I just feel completely torn at the moment.

I don't feel strong enough to face aibu as I know I will be condemmed for having an affair. Something I can't believe I am doing sad

Thanks for thinking to warn about friend on mumsnet, luckily I know she isnt!

Corkyandviolet Wed 18-Sep-13 11:41:04

Hi Friendsorlovers, don't know if you will see this, but I wondered how you were. Have you managed to resolve the issue yet?

My situation is similar to yours, am happily in a straight relationship and we have two kids, but I'm often at it with other women - mind you, in my case it all happens in my head, not in reality! I feel for you being in your predicament, but at the same time I don't half envy you, you lucky thing!

You're right about aibu, I hadn't thought of it like that!

Good luck to you, all the best.

revolvenotevolve Mon 21-Oct-13 18:43:30

Also watching with interest as am similar to corky...

Corkyandviolet Tue 22-Oct-13 12:46:59

revolvenotevolve - hello! wink

revolvenotevolve Tue 22-Oct-13 14:20:03

Hahhahaha Hi Corky - I wonder if the OP will ever return? Any update from you?
I've searched online to see if there are any sort of support groups for people in our situation but to no avail.

Corkyandviolet Tue 22-Oct-13 21:56:14

Hiya! It was a nice surprise to see your post, how are you? Looks like the OP won't be back, but I hope it all works out for her. I haven't looked for support groups, the reason being that nobody knows about my situation at all, so I'm not sure I'd have the guts to go public. Does your partner, or anyone else, know how you feel? Feel free to PM me if you want to chat but would rather not discuss things on here.

I must get off to bed now so will have to log off. Look forward to hearing from you, goodnight.

revolvenotevolve Tue 22-Oct-13 22:41:49

Thanks Corky - will PM you then - will check this thread periodically in case others want to join in!

Sonic75 Tue 22-Oct-13 23:43:45

Try www.shybi.com. I did recommend a friend who was on the verge of leaving her husband to gaydargirls.com a d she is now a very happy, full time tuppence tickler. Just a word of caution though, if i may? You maybe tempted to embark on a liaison with a like minded woman (women) on there. Just use the site safely and use it to get support and help you to find out who you really are rather than complicating your current relationship even further. Hope that makes sense and not too mumsy!
Btw corkyandviolet. I love the username lol

Corkyandviolet Wed 23-Oct-13 14:41:10

Hi to both of you! Thanks for the advice Sonic, you're absolutely right about the risks involved. Chatting on here will be the limit of my adventurousness so no, um, tuppence tickling for me! I guess in my case it's just nice to have someone to talk to, makes me feel less alone, though I'll stay 100% faithful to the man I'm with.

I'm glad you like the username! Did you enjoy the film?

Sonic75 Wed 23-Oct-13 16:20:46

Definitely important to chat and meet like minded people as its also very reassuring to know that you arent alone. I just know from my own first experience with a girl i intended it to be testing the waters, satisfy a bit of curiosity, scratch that itch and go back to my hetero lifestyle. I never imagined that being with a woman would feel so unbelievably mind blowing and so right. It turned my life into a crazy mess for a while and looking back i know i broke my ex b/f's heart. I would certainly have done things differently with hindsight and a bit of life experience behind me.
I loved most of Bound. It got too tedious for me near the end. But Worth watching for Corky lol! Think is was my first bit of exposure to lesbians in films. Heck i feel old!

Corkyandviolet Thu 24-Oct-13 22:32:07

Hindsight is a great thing, I guess we've all been in situations where we wish afterwards that we had handled things differently. Sonic, are you in a relationship? You're right that Bound was worth watching just to look at Corky, she was awesome!

Sonic75 Fri 25-Oct-13 00:19:20

Funny though, all the plumbers i have had come round are overweight, aging, bald men! Yes in a same sex relationship. In fact once i had my first relationship with a woman, i think i knew that my life partner would be a woman.
Corky pm me if you want to chat

Corkyandviolet Sat 26-Oct-13 17:56:19

Hi Sonic, thanks, I will do. It'll probably be when the kids are in bed and I can hear myself think!

Blueuggboots Sun 24-Nov-13 16:33:21

Hi there, stumbled across this thread and thought I would let you know my story.
I was a maneater......had lots of boyfriends then got married at 28 and was very happy for the first few years.
Had baby not long after DH had injury which caused him a lot of mental issues and massively changed who he was.
Worked with a female colleague and we worked together very closely for a number of years.
Marriage was getting worse, drifting apart, rows all the time, wanted different things, couldn't agree on anything.....
Started having feelings for her which got stronger and stronger (before marriage was utterly crap!!) Decided to tell her. Turned out she felt the same.
Left husband - which would have happened regardless.
Moved in with her.
Blissfully happy. grin
Any regrets? Staying in an unhappy marriage.
If you both love your husbands and are still attracted to them, I would knock it on the head. Sometimes love isn't a feeling, it's an act of choice.
I chose to walk away but I didn't fancy him or want to spend time with him anymore and would have left regardless of this relationship.
Hope you work it out and are happy with your decision.

friendsorlovers Sun 30-Mar-14 14:25:11

Just wanted to update on the situation after 6 months! The short version is that my husband carried on struggling with my feelings which just kept getting stronger to the point where both couples are now getting divorced and I have moved out of marital home with children. Gf and her husband are still living together while house is being sold but lead completely separate lives.
My gf and I are very happy together and the children are coming to terms with it all. I am sorry my marriage is over as I always thought I would have been married to my husband forever but I don't regret for a second changing my life in this way as the happiness I feel now is immense.
After the initial shock of what we have done all our friends and most of the family are supportive.

A brave decision OP. Glad it's sorted out now.

I'm happy for you, OP, and wish you, your gf and your families all the best for the future.

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