Advice desperately needed!

(7 Posts)
Sayroo Wed 20-Mar-13 11:55:15

Where do I start...My partner and I have been together for 5 years, living together for two. I have a 7 year old son and I feel now that we are living together it is blindingly obvious that we don't want the same things from life.

My 7 year old has regular visits to his 'other family' which allows my partner and I time to ourselves which is lovely but for the past two years my partner has continuously said she 'just wants me.' i try to explain to her that that just isn't an option in my circumstances.... I want a family but she sees my son as an outsider and continually tells me that she is not ready to be a parent and that we will be a family once we have a baby of our own (she excludes my son from this family) It breaks my heart but every few weeks we will be arguing again because in my eyes she is being overly harsh with my son, through resentment or immaturity. I am her first relationship, I told her while we were dating that it would be a lot to take on but she insisted she loved me and would do anything to be with me.

We've been living in misery for two years, she keeps to her stubborn view that she just wants me and refuses to embrace family life. I've been holding onto this hope that one day she will want to be a family with myself and my son but increasingly I'm feeling as though that will never happen. I don't know if what I'm asking is unreasonable? Im not asking her to have any emotional connection, just to realise her actions and words hurt me. I don't think it is unreasonable but she makes me doubt myself. I don't know what to do. please, any advice would be greatly appreciated!

HerrenaHarridan Wed 20-Mar-13 18:04:19

I'm so sorry but I honestly think you need to tell her straight, you and your son are a package and if she can't love him too then you need to split.

It is not healthy for your son to grow up bring resented in his own home!

I know it must be really hard for you to hear but you did ask.

You need to get to the root of what makes her distance her self, maybe she is jealous that you love ds more than her,maybe she resents that you prioritise him, maybe she's scared to bond in case you split, whatever it is you need to resolve or LTB!

Sayroo Wed 20-Mar-13 19:27:25

thanks, I appreciate the input! i have made it clear to her for the last 5 years that my son and i do come as a package, she is generally very good to him - its more what she says to me and not understanding that her words and actions really do hurt me. I wondered if anyone had ever heard of this sort of behaviour before? I know plenty of people who have children from outwith the relationships that they are in and appear to be very happy... Im not sure why we cant seem to achieve that sad your right in that it is probably jealousy and the fact that i do prioritise him...but whenever i try to engage with her she cant seem to understand where im coming from! difficult situation!

girliefriend Wed 20-Mar-13 19:33:50

Tbh if the last two years have been a misery I think its prob time to call it a day. I would not put up with that kind of behaviour around my son, he has to come first and if she can't accept that then......

ILoveMimislabel Wed 20-Mar-13 19:37:51

It sounds really difficult to be honest. As an outsider I would say its never gonna work, your son needs to come first and what would happen of you had another child together would your son be pushed aside for that child. Your son is part of you, he makes you what you are too and if she doesn't ever fully accept him I can't see how you could go forward. However I know that's easy to say. Can you talk about it ? Can you get them doing things on their own ? Maybe she just needs to mature a little in relation to your priorities?
No easy answers and a big hug to say it must be really hard.

hermioneweasley Wed 20-Mar-13 19:40:04

This must be awful for your son. He will be picking up on this - 2 years of his life's a huge proportion of it. You need to split, for his sake.

kandle Wed 20-Mar-13 20:30:19

Can't help agreeing with Hermioneweasley there, it must be terrible for your son, these are his formative years and he should feel loved and protected. Even if you think you and your partner keep your difficulties from him he'll know what's going on and most definitely blame himself.

I think you're in really tough situation, I can empathise as I had an ex partner with children I wasn't ready for and didn't really want to be around- we just had to separate for their sakes.

Good Luck

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