This is turning into a very useful thread and I am pleased about that. Can I throw into the pot the emotive issue of physical contact. Some of the children you foster might have had rather negative experiences with physical contact so please don't be upset if a child or young adult finds it difficult or almost impossible to accept a hug from you, or more likely, from your DH.

One day soon, perhaps after my wedding, I will write up the full story of the Lady Mayor who became a foster parent. She went on to hold high office in the County Council but despite her virtues in many fields she was useless as a foster parent. I was her first foster child and looking back she was clueless. Would you expect a 12 year old to sit with old copies of Readers Digest because you "hadn't had the time" to buy books or toys or anything?

We met by accident at County Hall not so long ago and when I introduced myself I swear she went as white as a sheet.

Thanks MrsHiggins and Redhills - insight is great to have.

We are being recommended for 0 - 5 year olds. I had thought of the photograph issue. I don't like clutter, so we have a couple of digital frames and have decided very early on in the placement to take some photos, we can then very easily add to to make the child feel included.

The other idea we had was to get them/help them to make a name drawing on A4, then laminate it and stik it on their bedroom door which hopefully would personalise it for them - obviously so easy to do, we could do it with each child.

I have also taken onboard your comments on house rules and how confusing it can be for a new child in the household.

It's getting quite nerve wracking now and is starting to feel it may actually happen and just hope we can provide what the child needs.

We have DD(8) DS(15) & DS (18), who is away at Uni.

Hi

I was also fostered and I can second EVERYTHING that MrsHiggins says.

But I'd also add these:

Buy their school photos. It's really horrible when foster parents buy the school photos of their birth children but not those of their foster children. (It's also embarrassing to be the only one in the class whose parents don't purchase the school photo!)

As soon as the child comes, let them know how things run eg. are you allowed to flush the loo at night? Are you allowed to get yourself a drink? Every single house is different!

However, don't be too inflexible with the rules (well, with the ones that don't matter anyway) - the thing is, one thing you learn in foster care is that all house rules are COMPLETELY ARBITRARY. Some rules may have been going on for time immemorial in one family, but the family the child has come from may have never heard of that rule! (I sometimes got told off for breaking rules I didn't know existed). What everyone does in one house (eg gets straight up from the table) can get you in trouble when you do it in another home (eg. because they expect you to ask to leave the table first)!! Don't be too strict because every time a child moves all the rules change too, and what may seem like common sense to you probably seems completely arbitrary to the child. Well, I mean, obviously have rules, but bear in mind that their former family might have had completely different ones

Also, PUT PHOTOS UP OF THEM IN THE HOUSE. One of my foster families did this, and you have no idea - people put photos up of their children, but, I found, rarely of their foster children. It's really nice.

NEVER stop a child misbehaving by by saying you'll move them on or phone their social worker or make them pack their bags to leave.

But I wish you all luck and happiness! I'm sure you'll all be absolutely great parents. I'd just like to say that some of my foster parents were absolutely and totally wonderful, and I still remember very fondly!

I know it will sound obvious but if you get involved with fostering older children don't assume or even hope that you will be able to put right everything that has gone wrong in that childs life in a few days, weeks or months.

Before you tell yourself that you would never treat a foster child differently from your own children be sure, 100% sure, that you mean it. A foster Mum unexpectedly finds she is expecting a baby what happens, does her own child get sent back to the childrens home while she keeps the foster child??

When a child arrives it is really nice if you have some NEW books or toys or both of the appropriate age range not cast-offs or nothing at all (Yes the Lady Mayor strikes again.)

I'm a long time lurker and this is my first post!
MrsHiggins, I felt compelled to register and post on your topic.
We have been through a long (but I wouldn't say stressful or intrusive) assessment with our LA to become foster carers and we are going to panel a week on Thursday - and I wanted to say that the perspective and experience of somebody that has been fostered is absolutely invaluable and certainly not negative to someone like us just starting off on this journey.
I read your post the other day regarding Christmas presents and discussed it with OH - so your thoughts 'from a childs perspective' are very helpful....keep them coming I say.

Don't be sorry MrsHiggins. Anything you want to share about your experiences would be really helpful.

I'm sorry that what I wrote comes across as more negative than I had intended. I'm sure that none of the things that happened to me were done on purpose. By accident or through inexperience perhaps but not on purpose.

Thank you LovestheChaos, we were told at the beginning of our fostering lives that we were not allowed to have the fc's call us mum and dad.

We were told that, as a rule, children have parents already and calling us mum and dad would cause confusion and probably hurt the parents a lot. The same is apparently the case of aunty or uncle, the child may have these also so first names have always been the rule here.

The real heartache comes when the fc's desperately want to call you mum and you have to albeit gently, tell them no

Flower I am sure you did your best please don't beat yourself up.

I have a feeling that I am in store for a lot of heartache in doing this. Deep breath.

My husband and I are in the proces of applying to foster so your message is very helpful.

I cannot believe that anyone would make a foster child feel like they were "less worthy" especially at the holidays!

Any child that comes into this house will be loved and nurtured as part of the family and treated like our own whether he/she has difficulties and challenging behaviour or not.

I was wondering actually what to tell the foster child to call us.....mummy and daddy are fine with us! I guess it depends on what the child is comfortable with.