Is it me, what am I not seeing?

[Flower3545]

When our last placement was due to leave ss asked if we would like contact with her.

I said no as I didn't think I could handle it.

However almost 6 weeks have gone by and I am feeling more relaxed about the idea.

Her parents have kept in touch by text, sent photo's etc and I have been deeply touched by this, so much so that I suggested to them that we would love to have them visit us, have lunch etc.

They loved the idea and we arranged it for tomorrow (Saturday)

Today I get a call from fostering, they dont want me do go ahead with the visit in case it "impacts" our new placement. She is 2 days old so how it would "impact" anything is beyond me.

The parents are not a danger to anyone, there would have been 3 adults here Dh, myself and our grown up DD so I'm at a loss to understand.

I have tried repeatedly to get them to explain but all I get is "its better if it doesn't happen.

Curiously they are happy for a visit to go ahead in a shopping centre type environment but not my own home.

The only clue I have gleaned is something the fostering worker said ie

the social worker would prefer it if any messages etc went through her, so is she put out we arranged it between ourselves?

Any advice gladly taken here because I'm stumped. Dh has said "no way am I sitting in a crowded precinct somewhere when we could have had a relaxed hour or so at home"

[OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper]

Why would they prefer you to take a 2 day old baby to a crowded shopping centre (or anywhere other than tucked up at home?)
Could it be something to do with the baby's circumstances? Maybe they suggested the contact before the baby's arrival and now don't want to tread on anyone's toes (or they're miffed because they're not 'in control'.)
Must be awful not knowing.

[Flower3545]

It isn't the baby's circumstances as her social thought it was a lovely idea for us to have them for lunch.

I'm stumped as to what they are thinking, and of course, very very disappointed

[Flower3545]

oops, that should have read "her social worker"

[OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper]

I have no experience of SWs, so pointless for me to speculate really.

But I do feel for you. I remember being really touched at your threads building up to the little girl leaving.

I hope you/they get this sorted out.

[Flower3545]

Thank you OurLady, her parents have just texted, they've been told its ok to text. God I wish they'd get their act together.

They wanted to go ahead with lunch and not tell ss but I don't feel brave enough to do it.

I'm such a wimp

[mrswill]

Hmmm, excuse my language, but the other social worker, the one who's a bit negative about the meeting, sounds like shes coverig her ass all shapes, incase something 'happens'. I cant see what it would have to do with the baby. If i was the social worker for this case (and prob for most other sw)it would go as a big positive for the parents to be visiting their previous longtime foster carers, acknowledging and appreciating the childs bond with you and understanding she may want to see you, therefore in effect putting the childs wants and needs first, iykwim. SW sounds overcautious. The only thing i can see for note is that if they turn up and you have concerns about the lo, putting you in an awkward situation. I havent worked in fostering, im more child protection side of things, but i cant see much wrong with what your suggesting. As you say its six weeks, the lo would be more or less settling in by now unless there have been problems with this, and maybe this is why the sw is not keen. Do you get any hint from parents texts/pics that this is the case? If not, personally i would go ahead with the meeting.
I find it harder doing my job now after having children, a lot harder, even though im committed. Made worse by being frustrated on how far away from childcentred we're getting. Its very focused on the parent these days. I find the whole thing depressing. Not to say there arent good outcomes mind, and this makes it worth while.

[Flower3545]

Thanks mrswill, the lo's parents seem to be doing well. The pictures they send, both to my mobile and a more professional one sent via the sw look lovely.

The lo was brought into care originally due to concerns re neglect not violence or drugs so I can't see how this would have any affect on our current lo.

They have repeatedly thanked us in their texts for all we did for their lo and seem genuinely eager to thank us in person and to allow us to see lo for ourselves.

Our supervising sw has been off sick for some months now as well which means I only ever get to speak to a duty worker which is always difficult ie they don't know me and I don't know them.

It has been a emotional couple of days for us and I'm feeling very let down at the moment but thank you again for taking the time to reply

[Anngeree]

Can't understand how your meeting up could impact on your new placement, However if ss were to say meeting up could confuse the child whose now living with her parents I could perhaps understand it eg child may become confused who 'mum & dad' are, It may cause the child difficulty bonding with parents she's with now but I think after 6wks there should be a good bond of attachment between the child & her new parents anyway.

SS can't stop you becoming friends with the childs parents.

I've no experience of this but just thought I'd add my opinion for what it's worth.

Hope you manage to get things sorted for everyones mutual benefit.

[mrswill]

Hi Flower, how are you doing now? Seems strange to me that SS has assessed the parents as to be no danger, and capable of being in sole charge of a lo, then said they cant come round etc. Duty are probably just telling you the easiest thing to spring to mind. Id go ahead with the meeting, i suppose the parents maybe wary as their still under ss gaze, but as SS deemed you were fit to look after her for 15 months, im really shocked. Let us know what goes on anyway. I hate it when SS let people like you down like this, their not slow to ask for something, so they shouldnt be slow to listen to a reasonable request. Best of luck xx

[Flower3545]

Hi mrswill, I'm ok thanks.

I can't fathom their reasoning, it's as though they have to come up with a problem where none existed. To be honest it's more me thats wary, the parents have said they'd do whatever it takes so that we can see the lo.

They feel dreadful that they let it slip to lo's sw in the first place, if they hadn't we would have had the meet-up and no harm done.

I think our best course of action is to wait a couple of weeks and then set it up again, quietly of course

[mrswill]

Quietly... the best kind of meeting!!

Hope things are going well, with the new little one

[Flower3545]

Hi mrswill, lo is doing very well. She is a little poppet and I'm greatly enjoying caring for her, I did wonder if I would after our last one left but it's amazing how a tiny baby brings out the mother hen in me again and again.

I was discussing last weekends non-event with this lo's social worker yesterday who re-iterated that she would have had no objections to the meet up at all and in fact no one had even spoken to her about it.

I have tried texting the parents a day or so ago and got no reply so it's possible they have been told not to speak to me

[mrswill]

I hope not Flower, thats terrible. For the little girls sake as well as yours. I cant believe how these social workers behave! . I hope things resolve themselves in the future, the parents are probably being very careful at the moment. As soon as the little girl begins to settle more and more in, social services should start withdrawing, so hopefully you will have a chance to see and hear how she is then. Im glad the new lo is doing well, it must be such a special 'job'. I was never broody before i had my dd, now i want to pinch everyones babies. My mother still longs for another baby after having 5, and is well over the age of producing any! Does it look like new lo will be adopted yet??

[Flower3545]

It is a special job mrswill and oh if only it didn't need social workers sometimes

New lo's parents are, up til now, still asking for her to be put forward for adoption so it is looking likely.

I understand your mother totally, after having my last baby, many moons ago, dh and I agreed that 3 was enough and he had the "snip".

Cue a couple of years later and the broodiness became unbearable for me. At about the same time a local news programme showed a film of children in care needing foster parents and the rest, as they say, is history