Giving a home to son's friend

[echoButNoBunnymen]

Hello

Namechanger here as don't know who may be reading this.

I don't know where to post this really but hope that someone may be able to point me in the right direction.

My son's friend, 17, has been made homeless by the actions of his parents. He has had problems with anger management etc in the past, not surprising given his family circumstances. He is a clever boy, funny, thoughtful very sporty. He has a 'reputation' locally.

He is doing AS levels at the moment and has a job in mind which would be perfect for him after another year in 6th form and his A2 levels. Recent events with his family meant that he was faced with a hostel for teenagers miles away, and thus being forced to leave school. In order to prevent this I have given him a home with us.

I am a single parent with two teenagers. We live in a smallish house, so its a squash! Both my children support my actions totally. I am aware that this will probably not be a walk in the park. I have a fair bit of professional experience with difficult teenagers, and my own son is not easy.

I am also very poor!

What should I be doing? I am going to speak to school. He has a special contact teacher there, and he is at the same school as my own children.

Any tips and knowledge gratefully received.

[drlove8]

echo , no advice for you but wanted to say good luck, and hope you get some support with this,x

[lisad123]

not 100% sure, but think if you are going to have a 17 year old stay with you for longer than 2 weeks, ss have to be imformed and a visit done. Think this might be if the parents dont agree. sorry not helpful really

[echoButNoBunnymen]

Thankyou so much for your replies. I did wonder about ss. Never had any dealings with them so what do you think they would be looking for?

I think the school might be my first port of call.

[tatt]

echo my husband's niece has left home to live with friends. I have no idea how she manages about cash, except that she never seems to have any and doesn't answer my questions about it. Social service have been involved because her parents weren't happy. Accusations of (physical) abuse were made that social services considered without foundation.

The good news is that since moving out she has decided what she wants to do in life, is working harder at school and talking of 6th form college.

Would he be prepared to get a job and pay you for board and lodging? Social services might help you identify what funding could be available or you could take him to CAB. As he's past 16 social servcies are likely to focus on supporting him, rather than being concerned about the parents.

Taking in a difficult teen can be very hard work but sometimes they blossom in a caring but firm environment.

[endless]

This sounds like a wonderful thing that you are doing, truly. You are offering him the world here.

Word of caution becuase me and dh did this for my niece. She lived with us from aged 17 for 2 years and it was the most disasterous, stressful and difficult thing that we have ever had to endure as a couple.

However fast forward and she is fine now, lovely, settled and happy.
She bought with her allot of problems and created many more while she was with us.

On the flip side i went to live with family aged 17 and they were my saviours, i had stability, support, love and a safe and happy home for 7/8 years.

Not sure if this will help you at all, but you can only try it, if it doesnt work out tehn between you, you may be able to come up with something that will help the lad.

[echoButNoBunnymen]

Thankyou so so much for taking the time to reply.

The good news is that I have no partner so no problems there!!!!

For reasons stemming from my own background I was worried that it was too late to actually 'turn the boy around' if you like. I don't think that I am so wonderful and marvellous that I can 'cure' him or his anger-management problems, but can see that if he has to leave school without A levels, he will not have any sort of chance in life.

I suppose i am worried that it is too late now at 17 to affect his mental outcomes, but I hope that I can affect his life chances.

It seems that this situation is not uncommon. In fact another (lovely) boy I know of is being taken out of school at 17 and taken abroad by his family for reasons I can't go into . Its a tragedy for these kids.

[MamaMuesli]

No professional experience, but would say it might work OK with agreed boundaries up front - e.g. x number of months, then we review it, or 1 year max then you find somewhere else to live, these are the things you are expected to do for yourself, these are the ways you can contribute etc. You're doing a good thing, but a hard thing.

[FairLadyRantALot]

My friends dd moved out at 16, she moved in with her bf and his parents....and as far as I know there was nothing they could do about it, because she was 16 and you can move out at that age....so....not sure you need to contact ss, unless he has a named social worker anyway...

I hope it will all go well for you!

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

If I was you I'd make an appointment with CAB my sil is a foster carer and I am sure I have heard her say that you can claim money even if it is a private arrangement i.e. arranged with the parents and not the care system.

Plus you should also be receiving his CB up untill he leaves school and if you are on benefits you can claim extra benefit as he is dependant living with you.

Good luck, what you are doing for this boy is great and really admirable. You should be proud of yourself.

[TheOtherMaryPoppinsDiets]

A family member has been in this situation for the past year. Social Services were informed but said it could go on as a temporary stay for 6 weeks then things would need to be addressed properly with form filling and crb etc. No money was offered from SS but they were able to get child benefit and therefore tax credits paid for him.

He did have an assigned social worker who promised to support him and the family and review it etc they never did, and promised try to find him alternative accom in a supported bedsit type of thing, anyway long sotry short, he is now signed off SS and still at my family member's home.

What started off as being a friend from school has changed somewhat but all parties are kind of stuck now, family member as she cannot see her way to essentially throw the boy out to enable him to get somewhere, and the boy himself as he is reliant on them for cash is stuck too and it's causing a lot of tensions.

Go into it open eyed and be prepared for things to get sticky, and put a time limit on for reviews.

[Horton]

Hi, I think you are doing a great thing here. When I was 17, we had a friend (not a specially close one) to stay with us for two years while she did her A Levels etc because of her emotionally abusive mother. There wasn't a problem with cash or space, but it was pretty weird and hard at times suddenly having an extra child in the family. My mum also bore the brunt of friend's mad mother and her threats and weirdness. I just wanted to wish you the best of luck and hope you can get some funding.

[tatt]

echoBNB we considered taking on husband's niece - and were worried we might not be able to deal with her problems. Work out an exit strategy for if it goes wrong and some ground rules for behaviour. If it doesn't work then you do need to get ss involved but presumably the hostel place will still be an option.