Fostering frustrations!

[ilove]

Argh!!!!

We are currently going through the home study to be foster parents, and have a panel date of March 19th.

We have done the prep groups, had our home checked and are nearly at the end of the home stufy...all this has been done in 6 weeks instead of the 9 months it usually takes as they are desperate for foster parents here.

Our home is perfect, large secure back garden large house spare bedrooms etc, they have absolutely no concerns over our parenting skills, the atmosphere in the house is brill etc.

However it is unlikely we will be recommended and approved...why???

1. I have said all along I do not want them contadcting my ex...he was refused any contact with my eldest by court order nearly 10 years ago, was violent and made threats to kill, I had police protection and a home office alarm installed...but they wanted to stir it all up again to ask him if I was a good mum in his eyes?

1. My weight loss...they are not happy I have lost 11 stones and that a foster child may stress me and make me eat again. I have NEVER eaten because of stresses over kids...I was raped when I was 17 and made the unconcious decision at that point that fat = unattractive therefore I'd be fat! I had counselling 18 months ago and sorted out my head and have lost all the weight.

Argh! Talk about nit-picking!!!

[SammyK]

That sounds very frustrating ilove.

Who has said you will be unlikely to be recommended and approved? I would ask for clarification on this, as it seems they wouldn't put you to panely if they thought you may be turned down.

Point one - this will be on police record I would assume, and I can't see any sane SW considering asking a violent abusive father/partner their opinions on their victims parenting skills!

Point two - surely this shows you have confronted a very distressing issue, worked through it and come out the other end healthier and stronger.

I am going to panel end of April and fiding the whole comprehensive assessment and house being invaded and nit picked over extremely stressful and invasive (not helped by the fact our assessing SW is a trainee whose first language is not english. Our area are short too. I keep having wobbles and doubts too, I think it is because the process is so intense.

[Lonnie]

hugs

you will be the most wonderful fostermother ilove

xx

[LauriefairycakeeatsCupid]

1. they won't contact him, they have discretion (they didn't contact my ex when I asked them not to*

1. It doesn't matter why you lost the weight, they are likely just commenting on the enormous change (it is a huge change and well done ). They whined on and on about my miscarriage and wondered if I was 'replacing a baby' - with an eleven year old foster kid? and 5 years after a miscarriage? - amateur psychology at it's worst

They must be desperate to rush you through in 6 months rather than the 2 plus years it took us - all due to their amateur psychology questions at panel and it being 'referred back' for more information.

You will get through it and you will be great.

[ilove]

Thanks all...

They are banging us through in less than 3 months, which is why it is so intensive I think.

Regarding who has said what, it is the (young, no children, overweight ) social worker who has said that she will be putting negatives in our report and that she has found us "very hard to assess". She says at the end of her report she will either say *I advise this couple be approved to foster children from ages of x to x" or "I do NOT advise....etc"

So, at the moment we are in limbo. Panel is Marhc 19th but DH says that if she gives us a negative report then there is no way he is going to panel to beg, that if they cannot see how good we are and how much they need us, sod them. Or words to that effect!

[ilove]

Well, she is very impressed with the children. Thinks they are all well prepared and "up for it" and despite questioning them all about my eating (grrr) and the eldest about my ex (VERY cross about that) she seems rather positive now.

She says my "gobbiness" will be a flag raised and also my counselling over my weight and the refusal I have to have them contact my ex...yet she hasnt contacted CAFCASS, the police or my referees about this. And apparently isn't going to.


No more appointments now unless she thinks of something while writing up her report...then we will decide whether we are going to go to panel or not.


Can I hold my breath that long...?

[SammyK]

She says my "gobbiness" will be a flag raised

I have kept myself quiet at various points of our home visits myself, we seem to be having much of the same in terms of ridiculous questions and scenarios.

Is there anyway you can speak to someone regarding the issue with your ex? Also speaking to your son about your ex. Is this SW qualified?? You don't have to question her officialy, I am thinking you could ask someone on a training course or family day / information day - do you have anyting like this coming up before panel?

I am finding it a very frustrating process, you have both my empathy and sympathy!

[PeaceNLove]

Sounds to me like you need to find another agency. If they are making you feel bad for wanting to help others, how on earth are they going to support you through possible difficult placements?

It also dosen't make sense why they would access you if you are 90% going to fail.. Sounds like the SW is just being a bit of a Cow..
I would still give it your all and show panel you are just as serious and dedicated as the next person and your past experiences (which im sorry to hear about) have made you a stronger person, rather than it being your downful.

[AttillaTheHan]

Don't know whether this is wise to admit here but I am an assessing social worker for foster carers...

IME the exception to the rule about always interviewing ex partners is if there has been violence/ court involvement. So therefore I think you are well within your rights not to agree to them contacting your ex. If it were me assessing you I would have backed your views up with a detailed discussion with CafCass if they were involved or by contacting a family member or friend who could give me a bit more detail from a different perspective.

Also am a bit about them not making it clear to you before panel about what their recommendation will be. IMO they shouldnt be taking you to panel if they are not 100% sure, its certainly not fair on you to keep you guessing.

Have you had a second opinion visit? Sometimes Team Managers or senior sw's do them. If so what did they say?

You should also have had the chance to read the Form F report before it goes to panel and have a chance to comment on the content etc. If you have not had this chance, make sure you mention it at panel. Regardless of how quickly they wanted to assess you they should not be taking shortcuts with procedure like this.

If you and your DH are happy to go to panel I would go very prepared. Offer them alternative ways of getting more detail about your ex (if they want them) such as cafcass etc. If you can think of any other (frankly ridiculous) issues that have been raised then go to panel with responses prepared. If you appear confident and reasonable without slagging off the sw it will demonstrate your professional skills.

Good luck.