Setting house rules

[3catsnokids]

My husband and I are going to panel shortly and we were talking the other day about having a list of house rules to share with children in the first few days of being with us.

I have previously worked as a teacher and in most schools the expectation is that you will share rules with new classes at the beginning of each year to set expectations etc. Is this a good thing to do with foster children do you think or will we come across as too strict and uncaring?

If you would recommend it, what rules would you suggest I include on the list? I've been having a little think and so far have come up with the following, which encompass a range of issues.

1. Be kind in our words and actions towards people and animals
   
2. Look after furniture, toys and equipment
   
3. Help to keep our home clean and tidy
   
4. Be polite and use good manners
   

I totally understand that many children will not automatically be able to follow these rules but they are there to be a guideline of how we hope to encourage the children to behave in the future if you see what I mean?

Anyway, what do you think? Good idea? Stupid idea?! Thanks

[TheNightIsDark]

I think you should give them time to settle in first before bombarding them with rules. They might be scared, anxious, confused etc.

[tia26]

I would concentrate on safe caring rules eg. Wearing dressing gowns when leaving shower, knocking on bedroom doors and not going into your bedroom. Other things that you suggest such as 'using manners, keeping the house clean and tidy' will come in time through example. These things may be totally new concepts to a scared, angry child coming from a chaotic or neglectful family. Take things slow and good luck x

[3catsnokids]

Hi, thanks for the answers. Reading it back I think I am coming across as a bit inflexible and uncaring and I promise I'm not like that at all.

I absolutely will take things slowly and am totally anticipating lots of difficult behaviour due to children being understandably scared, angry and upset.

[Fathertedfan]

We have always had house rules here. When a child moves in with us, we go through them calmly within the first day or so. They are mainly safer caring rules, such as wearing dressing gowns, but also include specifics like not going into other people's bedrooms without invitation, no rough play, not using the hot tub without an adult present, not going near the horses without an adult. It's easier to set the house rules calmy at the outset when you are in the honeymoon period with a child than to continually tell them off for stuff they didn't know.

[willitbe]

It depends on the age of the children too! If the children are old enough to understand school rules, then they can handle house rules too. We found it worked well to sit the foster children down with our own children and make a consensus on what the house rules should be. This also ensures you are using language that the children know and understand.

All the rules are put in a positive context as you would with classroom rules. Also as with classroom rules you need to do it fairly early early in the placement, but not too early.

The rules need to be more specific for some children.

With our last children who required rules we had:

1. Use good words (no cursing, no teasing)
   
   
2. Listen to others
   
   
3. Ask permission (going into rooms, playing with toys)
   
   
4. Bed at 8pm, getting up at 7.30am
   
   
5. Be sensible in the car.
   
   
6. Keep calm (no shouting/screaming, walk away)
   
   
7. Be kind (no kicking/hitting or pulling hair)
   
   
8. Stay off the trampoline, stay downstairs
   
   (number 8 was because it was winter and the safety net was down, and we lock upstairs due to unsafe window catches, no bedrooms are upstairs. Also the word "cursing", was not one we used in our house previously, but it was the specific word the fc used when we were discussing house rules)
   
   The rules were created after dinner one night, when everyone was calm and we had a family discussion on what the rules should be. These were then written on a large piece of card and put in a prominent place. Next to the traffic light system where we had photos of each of the children. You may need to co-ordinate with a traffic-light system as used in school too, with clear consequences (eg no tv for a set length of time etc).
   
   
   I agree with the manners, tidy and clean being possibly beyond initial understanding. Can be learnt over time.
   
   For some children, the time of meals will be important to list to help with settling into routine.
   
   Again this all depends on the age of the children involved and their experiences / abilities. Another good reason to wait a few days before doing it. Hope your first placement goes well!