help and advice needed

(4 Posts)
whela Tue 23-Oct-12 00:43:59

foster parent question?
Hi my husband and I have fostered for last 8 years.
Initially we fostered all ages and all was very positive.Four and a half years ago we were approached with a nine year old boy who was in a foster placement for previous 3 months since being removed from home He was extremely unhappy and social workers told us he was sexually reactive and had touched his siblings.at this point nothing was known if this child was abused but all indicators suggested that he had been.We knew nothing about how we could best help this child,but after 6 months of our care he confided about his abuse at the hands of his parents and friends.He struggled for these 6 months and was continually seeking out my husband and staring at him and asking him sexual questions he also seemed to be taking a young boy we babysat and seemed to be grooming him,we immediately stopped looking after this child.
This 6 months was especially hard and having him constantly observed.This child took 4 years to heal a lot of his wounds and now with the help of therapy he has grown into a confident young 14 year old especially in the last year,he now shows empathy and love and warmth it is like seeing the light go back in his eyes.He is now not much different to most.we are incredible proud of him and the progress he has made.We have never been allowed to foster younger that this child and we have asked this to be reviewed but to no avail.The seem to think that like an alcoholic after one drink this child will once again touch this are the words of his therapist 2 weeks ago,i strongly disagree with this assumption.
There has not been any indication of further problems and he is totally uninterested in younger.he strives to be with his own age and has a lot of friends He has gone away on school trips overnight and is extremely happy.He shows no sign of this behaviour now.
They are constantly returning to his touching at 9 and those times.We have tried to maintain this placement but not allowing younger placement has become impossible Our last 3 placements were all 14 and caused so much stress on the family with aggression, drugs, drink and in trouble with the law.We had so much dealing with the police.We are at our wits end.
Is there anyone out there whohas an dealing in this

Fosterangel Tue 23-Oct-12 09:15:50

Once a child has learned to trust and love those who care for him, and can see that past abuse is not their fault and very, very wrong, I cannot see how they would want to put any other child through what they have suffered.

From your post he sounds to me like he has reached a good place and his life is full of potential. You have done amazing work with this boy, and it is clear you love him to bits, and it is such a shame you (and you boy as he will be a great asset) cannot now help younger children.

I suppose in these days of litigation it may be deemed too risky to place a younger child with a child who is known to have been abused if a psychologist has advised the SW otherwise. The therapist's words were harshly delivered - are they saying that you boy is a "sex-addict" and will lapse like an alcohol/drug addict if tempted? Your boy did not seek out abuse - it was perpetrated on him which is a bit different imho.

It may also depend on the chemistry between any other placement and I guess SW's do not have time to look into the history of any new placement too deeply with their caseloads and fire fighting.

Hope you get some answers from some more experienced foster carers. I will be interested to see if others have had similar experiences.

bonnieslilsister Tue 23-Oct-12 21:33:39

Hi Whela, I have no experience but agree with all Fosterangel said and just want to say well done, you have made such a difference to your fb's life and you are amazing thanks

whela Wed 24-Oct-12 00:22:40

Thank you fosterangel its really nice to not feel we are alone.You know these days since last placement left I have taken my frustrations out on this child and the poor pet cant seem to do any good.I can hear myself and my hubby had to say go easy on him. Tomorrow i will try harder.

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