Disruption meeting or a character assignation

(16 Posts)
NanaNina Mon 22-Oct-12 02:16:42

Ah I should have realised you were an IFA carer and yes it would be money, which is what everything is about these days.

It is very unusual for an adoption to breakdown in 4 days. Doesn't seem as though the adoption worker had time to go and talk things through with them. Mind the worst I ever heard of was a baby being picked up at 2.00 pm by the adoptors from the carers and they got a panicky phone call at 10.00 pm asking if they could bring the baby back!

It is difficult to understand when adoptors give up so easily but many struggle for a long time, and we only used to hear about it after all was well as they were scared we'd come and take the child away. It is a huge thing isn't it and requires major adjustments to your life and it takes time for things to settle and everyone to get used to the new situation. No amount of talking, thinking, matching, intros etc can prepare anyone for the real thing. I just hope the children were too young to be told this was their "forever family" - I was always a bit dubious about using that term to children, though of course they had to know this was where they were going to live till they were grown up.

Ah well there are no guarantees in fostering and adoption and I'm sure many of you have heard me say more times than enough that I have seen marriages breakup (when one of the partners bonds withthe child) and the other one doesn't or something similar, and the whole family suffers. I've seen foster carers and adoptors have mental health problems because of the stresses and strains and guilt and a whole range of emotions that can just be too much to bear sometimes.

Oh I'd better stop - it's very late - couldn't sleep so am laptopping, probably not the best idea in the world.

bonnieslilsister Sun 21-Oct-12 21:01:11

I am trying hard not to judge these adopters. Trying to think of how this could happen.

Desperately sad for you and the little ones sad xxx

kiddiwinkles Sun 21-Oct-12 16:24:43

The Attempted Adopters and the new foster carers were present, which was strange. LO's were moved from Adopters as an emergency, (their words) to another foster carer, They left me on the Tuesday and were moved on the Friday. We overheard a conversation between 2 managers, asking why they we not returned to me, the reply was 'Money' Yes I am with an agency. But surely in the 'best interests of the children' .it could have been handled differently.

I feel so much for the Lo's, and what they are going through,

sad

bonnieslilsister Sun 21-Oct-12 15:39:16

I was presuming kiddi was maybe with an agency and children put back with LA but I might be wrong [waves to NN]

NanaNina Sun 21-Oct-12 15:07:33

Kiddi - am a bit confused. Were these "carers" the prospective adoptors or had the children been moved from the adoptive placement to these carers with 19 years experience. What was the issue with money if you don't mind my asking?

Fosterangel Sat 20-Oct-12 22:48:56

So sorry to hear your sad story Kiddiwinkles. These poor little mites have been put through the mill. No wonder they are all over the place. I agree that the new foster carers should know that this is likely to happen and be more mindful of how confused and angry the lo's are. It doesn't help the situation to have a go at you.

At least the stability you gave them for 2 years will remain with them and the changes in them that you described means you were doing a lot right for these lo's.

What a shame that cost was the reason they could not come back to you. How sad.

bonnieslilsister Sat 20-Oct-12 20:20:42

Awww poor little ones and poor you. The other foster carer sounds awful and unfair in her assassination of you. So what that she has been doing it for 19yrs! That doesnt make her good at it! She maybe needs a break! xx

kiddiwinkles Sat 20-Oct-12 06:53:03

I was not invited to have them back due to Money!

Yes It was a complete contradiction of how I described the boys, I gave a picture of both ends of the time with us. when they came, They were feral, major behaviour disturbances, ( 1LO) and the other one was not with it. They had no sibling relationship ( they had not lived together) Buy the time they left, they were both completely different children. They were building relationships/friends with all around, they had some sibling relationship, and were happy!! worries were openly discussed and explained. Which is why it hurts so much to hear they are spinning and withdrawn and the other does not hardly speak .

there were medical bits that she said did not happen, and that I was doing everything wrong.

I think it was just a case of I have been doing this longer than you (she has been doing it 19 years, me 2 years), and now I am more important than you!

bonnieslilsister Fri 19-Oct-12 21:59:11

Was she contradicting how you described the boys? I can't understand why she was trying to make you feel bad when you had cared for and cherished them for 2 whole years. What was her reason for doing this do you think? Was she trying to make herself look better than you, or something like that?

Can I ask why you were not asked to have them back? Have you got another placement already? I just thought you would be their first choice. How disruptive for the little ones. How sad.

Blimey, my parents were involved in a failed adoption (mostly because ss hadn't told them very major things) I was 11 ish, it was an awful time and they only gave in as it was felt the children needed care my parents couldn't provide.

It was a long horrid process, giving up after four days is awful

scarlet5tyger Fri 19-Oct-12 20:37:42

From what my LOs adoption SW said this week the government is pushing for anyone to be allowed to adopt, with virtually no checks, because they are crying out for adopters.

However! I've been reading the adoption pages on here and know there are some wonderful prospective adopters who are having to wait months.

It really makes no sense.

Kiddiwinkles, sorry I hadn't realised the children were with new carers and assumed they were back with you. Must have made the meeting even more frustrating! And how heartbreaking for the children to have another placement sad

Gymbob Fri 19-Oct-12 16:36:53

Oh the poor little mites....who are they approving for adopters these days angry. Do they expect the children to breeze in and be well behaved angels from day one. Unbelievable! How can it break down after 4 days when they are bound to regress and revert possibly to the challenging behaviours they had previously.

I hope these clowns potential adopters are not given the chance of any more children, at least before a lengthy training course in attachment etc.

kiddiwinkles Fri 19-Oct-12 13:09:41

Hi All
It was the new carers that put me down. Although doing it for 19 years you may think they understood that the Lo's would regress.

The elder (5,5 years)little one now spins instead of shouting and verbalizing this worries, (which he did with me). and the littlest one (3.5)who talked non stop when with me,now hardly speaks. does this not show they are not happy and need support.

There were 20 of us there, Me, new carer, Both (Failed) Adopters, 2 chair 2 minute takers 4 social workers and numerous managers from all sides and departments.

The adopters spoke once to confirm something I said. that was all.

My Social worker and I. ( She was very good, but could not speak up for me or how the children had improved, as she does not know us, and has only been with the department 4 weeks) were not invited to hear the rest of the meeting , so I have no understanding of what happened.

We have been denied a meeting for my daughter to see them again, although she had been told by the powers that be, that she could meet up with them after a while.

It felt very personal in there!

I really do not know what went on, all I know is that I feel more concerned for the boys now than before this meeting, knowing they have changed so much in behaviour, and have retreated into them selves.

Kiddiwinkles angry

scarlet5tyger Thu 18-Oct-12 19:37:07

Ive never heard of one of these meetings before. Like NanaNina I too am shocked at an adoption breaking down after 4 days. I'm also shocked that blame was being put at your door when quite frankly I can't see that the adoptive parents have given it much of a "go" . In my experience its quite usual for a child to regress after a move, surely they didn't expect plain sailing?

Sorry if I sound unduly harsh to the new parents. I've just started intros and an adoption breakdown is one of the things I always dread!

NanaNina Thu 18-Oct-12 19:10:04

Oh Lord I thought disruption meetings went out with the dinasours, but I see they are still alive......sounds to me like the adoptors were feeling very defensive and took it out on you. An adoptive placement breaking down in 4 days is very unusual, and it suggests to me that they should never have been approved or their fantasy of caring for 2 LOs did not match with the reality!

Wondering who was at this meeting - presumable adoption sw who recruited the couple. If so she/he should have put a stop to their verbal attack on you. Maybe she was feeling defensive too! The meeting should have been re-scheduled to a time when you ssw was available. What was the big rush anyway - presumably children were coming back into care in any event. Did anyone "chair" the meeting - if so they have no idea how to chair a meeting.

So sorry that you have had such a horrible experience and it sounds like you did wonders with them when they were with you. The adoptors should have been requesting a meeting with you and your ssw and their adoption sw to see if anyone could offer them more help with the children.

I am a retired sw and tm mgr (fostering & adoption) and was only involved in a couple of these awful meetings, and foster carers always got angry because they were defensive and feeling guilty and they would be accusing the ssw as not giving sufficient support etc. The LA knocked them of the head because they just added "fuel to the fire" to be honest.

kiddiwinkles Thu 18-Oct-12 17:19:39

Is another name for a disruption meeting a Character assignation?

Attended one today for a adoption break down after 4 days.

I attended as previous carer.

Present carer, slated and contradicted every thing I said, and described the children in the same light I would have 2 years ago when they 1st came to me.

My sSW was unable to attend, but I did have another member of her team with me, (who did not know the LO's)

is this normal.

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