will she adapt ok

(63 Posts)
fostermumtomany Sat 06-Oct-12 15:26:35

i have a 2 year old going to adoptive parents soon. she has been with us since she was a very young baby.
im worried about how easily she will settle in with her new family. when we talk to her about the adoption she is adament she is not going. (she is a very very bright 2 year old), if we say " whose getting a new mummy and daddy" she will say "not me i stay with you" or "i got mummy and daddy, you mummy he daddy", meaning my hubby. this is depsite the fact she has never ever called us mummy and daddy, always by our first names.
im so worried that she wont settle and will spend all her time being upset or thinking we didnt want her.
i have moved a child onto adoption so many times before but i have never had such a clever lo before. she knows what she wants and what she doesnt want and at the moment she definately does not want to move.
how can i help her. can someone help me with this. have you been through this too? bridging is hard enough without worrying that the lo is going to be devastated.
any advice would be appreciated.

fostermumtomany Wed 28-Nov-12 03:03:43

hi everyone.
than you for your lovely messages of support.
she has been gone a month now and its harder every single day. i thought i would be feeling a bit better by now but im sat here sobbing. i have good days and bad days and today is an awful day. to be honest this is the first day when i have really let it out. i have been bottling it up for the sake of my own children as they are missing her so much as is my husband.
the day after she left, we got a call to take a tiny one straight from hospital. while he has helped a little to fill the hole, he just isnt her. i miss her mess and her noise, i miss her drawing on things she shouldnt be drawing on and sticky finger marks all over my patio doors. i miss her shouting upstairs for me to hurry and come back down, i even miss her following me to the loo!

the adopters have phoned twice, both times to ask for phone numbers for various appointments and what not. both times i had to plead for info on how she was. then they said they didnt want any further contact at all, not even a stat visit for her sake. ss over ruled that and said it will be happening but not until the new year. i spoke to her sw and she said she had had a hard time settling in and they thought it would be better for her to not see us for 3 months, so she can properly settle, which is fine. i want her to be happy and settled. i spoke to her birth family last week, they are appealing the adoption, they have a very good case to as lots of things were not done properly. i know this sounds really selfish of me because it isnt fair on her to keep being moved but i hope they win, at least then i will be able to see her again.
the adopters have said they wont be sending photos or letters. they even told ss they didnt want us writing a letter for her life story. she needs things like that in her life story or she will have a chunk of her life (2 and a half years) missing! they dont seem to care though about what is best for her, they just want everything on their terms. i know she is their daughter now but as a mum i would want whatever was best for my child, surely they want the same? surely ss would have told them all this during the adoption process?

sorry for going on, i just feel i have nobody to talk to as its three in the morning and i cant sleep for thinking of her and how she is.
god i miss her so much, its like she has died. is it normal to feel like this? i have missed little ones before but this is a whole new level of pain sad

scarlet5tyger Wed 28-Nov-12 09:59:25

Fostermumtomany, I'm so sorry things are still difficult. When the child I bonded with most left it took me many months to get over it (and probably still am getting over it!) it was also difficult to bond with the next child who came along, although of course eventually I fell in love with him too! I think lots of people assume foster carers are robots who forget the child they've lost once the next one comes along but it doesn't happen like that.

I sympathise with you about her new parents too - the new parents of a child I moved a while ago made all sorts of promises to keep in touch but I haven't heard from them since he went a year ago. I think at least if you know now then you can at least not build your hopes up to meet soon, only to have them dashed later on. I don't mean that to sound harsh. Sadly it seems lots of adoptive parents say whatever it takes to get them through approval/matching only to ignore it all the minute the celebration hearing takes place. I've even read comments on the adoption uk website advising prospective adopters to "play along until they're yours".

I'm sorry I don't really have any advice for you, just empathy. I talk about the children I miss most a lot when they go, I watch their DVDs and I make their photo albums. Probably all the things I'd be advised not to do by the professionals but it does help me a bit. I also try and visit the children I am still in contact with because that reminds me of what a good start they've had. Your LO had that good start too, thanks to you.

BusterTheDonk Wed 28-Nov-12 12:45:07

Fostermumtomany.. I'm so glad you've come back on... I think we've all been really worried for you...

I am so sorry to hear you are in so much pain and can only try and imagine how hard it is not to have her with you..let alone the 'parents' not wanting any contact or any recognition of her past life... I think this is quite common.

I don't know what to say... I think some wounds never heal and all you can do is take each day as it comes..

I am trying to think of anything that would be a small consolation to me in this circumstance (a huge possibility/certainty) and I know there is nothing...

It is normal to grieve.. it is a type of bereavement.. only worse somehow because you know she is still 'there' but not available to you...

Are you a member of fostertalk? They have a counselling service...

Its good to talk - it will eat away at you if you don't let it out...

Let us know if any of us can do anything for you...

Take care x

Piffyonarock Wed 28-Nov-12 23:46:03

Hi Fostermumtomany, I'm glad you've come back, I've logged in most days as I really feel for you, and I'm sorry it is so painful. You need time to grieve, it is a very hard thing to lose a child and it is very like a bereavement.

I don't know if this is any comfort, but when we adopted our DD she and her foster family were very attached and she found it hard to settle with us. It has been nearly a year, and she's very much one of us now but it did take a long time and she missed her foster family such a lot. The adopters don't sound like they are being very sensible and certainly not sensitive but they might be feeling extremely panicky and under pressure (we feared that our child might be taken away if we appeared not to be coping, family and friends expect it to be a wonderful happy ending when you bring your child home and the reality can be so different at first etc). I've lost count of the amount of well meaning people who have suggested we cut all ties for our DDs sake, and the adopters might possibly think they are acting this way for good reasons.

However, having come through it we would say that keeping contact is the best way, although it did come at the price of setting her back to begin with. I suppose all I would say is, if you can in these circumstances, try not to close the door as the adopters may come round after a while. We were spurred on as it was our second adoption and we have a great relationship with our first foster carers so we knew it could work. It is a difficult set of circumstances to build an adult relationship in at the best of times and I think sometimes by the time adopters are ready for contact they can feel that too much time has passed and it won't be welcomed.

I really hope you feel better about things soon and that everything comes good for you and your LO, you sound lovely and you'll have really made a difference to her life whatever happens.

Look after yourself. You do a great job.

MoelFammau Sat 12-Jan-13 16:00:06

I was wondering if the OP had resolved things a little over the past 2 months? I'm considering becoming a foster carer and this thread had me in tears. I can't get my head around the fact that the little girl wanted to stay in her foster home, the OP desperately wanted to have her, yet SW disregarded all feelings. Hoping the bigger picture was for the best, I really do. Any news either way would be gratefully received. Thinking of you, OP.

fostermumtomany Tue 19-Mar-13 02:17:14

we saw her last month.
she looks perfect. everything went really well but then as we were leaving I asked for a kiss. she was sat on her daddys knee at the time, as I bent down to kiss her goodbye she grabbed my arm and drew me in for a hug and said I come home now with you?
I had to detangle myself and walk away so she wouldn't see me cry, she was screaming for me to come back. "don't leave gen, I sorry I good girl" how do I forget that? how do I get that out of my head?
she has been gone 4 months.
will this ever get better? please please tell me it will.

bouncingbelle Wed 13-Nov-13 19:37:56

This thread made me cry at the time and I,ve never forgotten it. Is there any update on how she settled or whether the birth family appealed?

Roshbegosh Wed 13-Nov-13 21:19:56

Me too, it's truly painful to read. I hope the child is going to be ok and the OP.

Lilka Wed 13-Nov-13 22:21:37

Me too, I cried at the time, and I'm crying reading it back through

I hope she has settled more now and OP I hope you will find time is a help to you, even the tiniest help. I am so sorry

Mum2lots Fri 15-Nov-13 00:58:35

Ow xxxxx no words just owwwwww

thenamestheyareachanging Sat 07-Dec-13 22:47:17

This thread has made my decision not to foster. I'm so sorry for fostermumtomany and the poor little girl. How can they do this?

busygirl Tue 10-Dec-13 21:15:18

me too,i keep thinking about you OP

Pointeshoes Thu 12-Dec-13 09:55:23

This is heartbreaking. First time I've read it, just so so sad.

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