This board is the only one where people are experienced enough to give me the advice I need -- please help

[colditz]

My friend is in hospital and she has no useful family.

I am looking after her children for the forseeable, and would like to know how best to make them comfortable.

They are 4 and 6. I have moved them into my 5 year old's room together, and have moved my five year old in with his brother.

[colditz]

bump

[Glenshee]

I am not a foster carer but wouldn't want your thread left unanswered, and would like to show support until more experienced mumsnetters arrive (which I'm sure they will).

I have two kids aged 4 and 7, and we have kids' friends visiting and staying for several days at a time quite often, so based on this experience and common sense:

1. Chat to them about how things work in your house as much as humanly possible, non-stop if you can. I.e. this is where we hang our coats, this is the living room, this is where toys are, this is the bathroom, this is how you lock it from inside (and whether you have to), this is cold tap, this is hot tap, this is the towel that children use... It makes kids more aware of what's around them, and therefore more comfortable physically. If you leave space for them to make their own comments at the same time (they might say - oh that's not how it is in our house!..), then this also gives them nice opportunity to chat to you - if they feel so inclined.
   
   
2. Keep them busy - not to the point of exhaustion, but just to avoid boredom and sad thoughts about their mum etc. Explain the plan for the day in the morning, and discuss negotiable bits, if possible.
   
   
3. Focus on positives and comment on everything positive that kids do (all kids, yours and new). This is obviously generic parenting advice, but just so much more important given circumstances!

[Glenshee]

Bedtime is the trickiest bit obviously. I would stay with them until they fall asleep tbh for a couple of days at first. I might be wrong on this, but it's so easy for a child to lose it and get overwhelmed with feelings when it's dark...

[bonnieslilsister]

I agree with Glenshee about bedtime but then I am a real softie at bedtime as that is the moment when the fact that things are not the same as usual seems to hit home. I am always around until they go to sleep, not always in their room but in and out and am always willing to sit with them til they sleep until they are happy with me not doing.....am not saying this is the only way but it works for me and the kids!

Hopefully they will be able to have very frequent visits to see their Mum....is that possible op?

Also, how nice of you to do this for them it will make such a difference for them. xx

[maypole1]

Please make sure they continue to vist their mum loads explain in kiddy speak whats happening I find the most torment children suffer is not knowing and being kept in the dark.


Just give them lots of love and if your friend is able to tell you the children's routine and maybe meet half way between hers and yours so yours or her children don't feel left out .

[parsnipcake]

If it is likely you will have them for 28 days you MUST inform social services as it is a legal requirement for Private fostering.

On a practical basis, can you get some familiar things from home for them? Also Christmas is coming, so try to find out what their family traditionsare and incorporate theminto your family. Get their school on board so they canhelp- they may feel safer talking to their teachers than you at first. Take lots of photos so in the future they can remember their time with you and process it

[colditz]

I'm very unlikely to have them until christmas, I suspect their mum will be discharged at some point this week, but I will bear what you say in mind about the fostering arrangement - it wouldn't have occured to me. What will SS do? Will they come out and check my house? [hyperventilates].

RThank you for all advice! I've introduced puddings to the house, as they have them at home and it won't hurt mine to have puddings for a few days.

Luckily they are all at the same school so I can sort uniform out and they won't feel strange (thir sizes fall in between my Ds1 and Ds2, who is a midget). I've got the lego downstairs, the eldest has had a cry (and a cuddle) but he's spoken to his mum on the phone. I've got two boys so plenty of familiar toys for them to play with, they also both have a cuddly from home in their beds, and I've put ben ten and thomas bedding on their beds.

They slept really well, actually. Both asleep by eight, not up until half past seven!

[colditz]

PS I did mooch around in their bedroom last night, but they both looked at me as if I was mad, and the eldest said "Um, can you go downstairs please?"

[colditz]

I'm spending more time than is usual hanging round in the front room (hence mn) just so that they feel an adult around the house.

[NettoSuperstar]

I've been on the other side of this, as in the one in hospital.

DD goes to my friends who we see most days and she's known since birth.

It's fine for her mainly, she slots right in, but my friend does try to give her some one on one time, and also the chance to be alone, as she's an only child and my friend has 4.

She is allowed to call/text whenever she likes, and they visit if they can, it's not always possible.

DD was 9 last time I was in and knows my illness pretty well so doesn't seem to be too upset by it.

Your friend is lucky to have you, as I am mine. :)

[HarrietJones]

Re private fostering arrangement , I've just done an assessment and yes I did have to see the house/children's beds but as long as it's clean & tidy that's fine. It was more about everyone being happy and SS knowing wjere rhe children are.I spoke to parents/carer/children.
I then had the choice of recommending extra support, regular visit or no further action.

it also means the carer can claim CB/TC for the children if it was going to be long term.

[bonnieslilsister]

but as long as it's clean & tidy that's fine colditz continues to hyperventilate

[HarrietJones]

Just don't have dog shit everywhere & 3 week old plates of food on the side. like one of my clients does

[SquidgyBrain]

Glenshee - your advice was brilliant - you should think about becoming a foster parent!!

Colditz, what a lovely friend you are, normal untidy and unclean are fine, as Harriet says it is the broken bed frame in the front garden, and 40 cats that they worry about, although with the government cuts and how stretched social workers are, I would think since you are keeping a child out the social work loop by looking after them I think even the bed in the garden and the cats might even slip past - just make sure the loo has been cleaned in the last month ;)

[HarrietJones]

I was going to suggest we might ignore the bed & cats as long as they aren't shitting on plates or in the kids beds

[colditz]

I'm clean, but the house smells of small boy pee and there is everythging strewn everywhere.

[Glenshee]

SquidgyBrain - thanks for the kind words. I hope to become a foster carer one day :)

[HarrietJones]

How's it going Colditz?

[colditz]

Knackered! And the cat is ill

[HarrietJones]

:(