what next??

[SquidgyBrain]

LAC review was on Friday.

Plan at 9.30am was - contact was to be the same as it was this week for the next 3 weeks, which was Monday morning to Friday afternoon with us only having him over the weekend

By 11.30 his parents were thrown out of the Social Work department!

what went on in between was, when they were questioned about their relationship (they have a volatile relationship which can turn violent) Dad stuck to his I want to be with her I love her, and Mum simply said I think he should have his own place (which was something that we had wanted to give him a bolt hole) but from there on in it went down hill, with Mum getting up and leaving, Mum asking Dad for the keys to her flat. It was really not pleasant.

LO was being looked after by Gran but was in the SW dept when the LAC meeting ended with the outcome being that there would be an early review in 3 months where if serious progress wasn't made decisions about LO's future would have to be made. So we left the meeting room - I was waiting to get some paperwork, and Mum went into a room with Gran, and the LO - Dad was told her could go and see his son, next thing Dad come bolting out the room shouting I didn't hit her, and Mum screaming that he had. The truth seems to be that he pushed past her and she hit her head off the wall. At this point the SW asked them to leave immediately.

so we meet on Monday at 12 to discuss access for next week.

fast forwards to this morning, Dad phoned to see how LO was - and told me that he had to phone the police this morning as Mum attacked him - and this was confirmed by the out of hours SW when she phoned to make sure that LO was safely in placement and not with his parents.

How can people live their lives like this??

[bottersnike]

Sympathy, Squidgy, that sounds really trying! How is LO reacting to it?
In answer to your last question, I wonder if living their lives like that is all they know, and all they see around them.
(says the voice of no fostering experience at all whose first placement is not due till May!!)

[maypole1]

Well i guess thats why sw have jobs and why the child is not with the parents .


To be honest a lot of this come from what we learn about relationships in early child hood and also our self worth.

Just be thankful lo is out of that so los early experiences will be very different


Your doing a good job sometimes it feels like they are determined to press the self-destruct button and its hard to watch

[SquidgyBrain]

botter - LO isn't coping very with being sent back and forth between houses, which is one of the reasons we were pushing him going home.

To be honest it was a bit of a rhetorical question, but you are absolutely right that this sort of behaviour is indeed all this couple have known and both were in the care system as children :(

May - yeah you are sitting by watching the self-destruct happening and thinking - what a waste.

Not looking forwards to meeting with the SW's and the parents on Monday

[NanaNina]

Hi SB - it's called the "cycle of deprivation" isn't it really and we can only be good nurturing parents if we have been fortunate to have parents who gave us unconditional love. Sadly this is not the case for many many parents and it is not possible to be a good or even good enough parent (in the vast majority of cases) having suffered from abuse, neglect etc when they were children.

These parents are emotionally immature, extremely damaged by their own parenting and their chronological age and emotional age do not match. Many parents I have worked with over the years seem to be functioning at around the pre teen level in some cases, and even younger or have learning disabilities. They usually get together with both having similar childhoods. The physical and emotional violence will seem quite normal to them as they have grown up witnessing domestic violence.

Also because their parents (who incidentally will also be victims of their own childhoods) will not be in a position to offer support to the young parents. In fact it is more likely that they will cause more problems as they will "take sides" and arguments will ensue. It is quite usual for them not to be on speaking terms. Add alcohol and drugs into the mix and of course this is just going to exacerbate the problems.

These young women often want a baby as "something for themselves " and believe that the baby will love them even if no-one else does. They have no notion of what is involved in good parenting and them become angry with the child as he/she has let them down like everyone else.

Sorry I could go on, but will leave it there,
Incidentally no government or anyone else has found a way of breaking into the cycle of deprivation, and I certainly can't think of a way. Can anyone else?

[maypole1]

Project Prevention, a US charity has offered an annual payment of £200 to 26 female drug addicts in Britain to use contraceptives. The money would be paid by cheque in three installments.

The charity says that the payments have been made so that the drug addicts use birth controls. The charity has expressed its concern over sexually-transmitted diseases and pregnancy. The money is offered to them so that they opt for contraceptive implants or get the coils fitted.

A recent report by Bernadette Hard, a GP specializing in substance misuse has shown that 250,000 children in the UK face a parental drug abuse.


this lady used to be a foster carer herself and adopted 4 children from the same drug addicted mother i guess this is one solution not every ones cup of tea but like you said no one really has better ideas

[NanaNina]

I suppose this goes some small way to stop babies being born to drug addicts Maypole. Contraceptive implants have to be renewed every 3 months don't they, which is presumably why the money is paid instages.

The issue of alcohol in pregnancy is actually far more dangerous for the foetus, because alcohol in large enough doses gets through the placenta and damages the cells of the foetus, and this is irreversible. If you need more info on this I suggest a book called "Alcohol abuse - the Hangover without a Cure" - drug addicted babies can be weaned off the drugs. Also some 80% of Foetal Alcohol syndrome goes unrecognised because drs an HVs are largely unaware of it.The Americans of course are far more advanced and knowledgeable about this. It is a symdrome so children can be anywhere from completely normal to severely emotionally and behaviourally impaired. At least drug addicted babies can be weaned off the drugs.

Sorry I'm going off the point a bit,but I think what IS a vitally important point is that the way the child is cared for in its formative years (especially 0 - 3) lays the foundation for later life and if those young children suffer abuse or neglect it is often a life sentence because they don't recover unless they are fostered or adopted by people who understand about insecure attachments and what needs to be done to allow children to trust adults, after being so let down by their own parents. There is actually evidence that the pathways in the brain of an abused child in its early years is changed - "Why Love Matters" bySue Gerhardt explains this. Also there is evidence that a child in utero can be adversely affected by DV in the parents or other kinds of stresses.

I know it sounds defeatist but so much damage can be done in such a short time to a new born (or one in utero)that as they grow and remain with the birth parents, they become more and more damaged and by the time they are eventually fostered or adopted, it is often too late.

They then become the parents of tomorrow and so the cycle continues.

[scarlet5tyger]

I have plenty of experience of drug addicted babies and unfortunately its not ad simple as just weaning them off the various substances they're born addicted to. Physical problems become apparent pretty quickly but mental and psychological damage can take years to show, and then last a lifetime. I'm not saying FAS isn't a massive problem too, i've just heard a lot of people lately say that drug addicted babies are lucky compared to FAS ones and it frustrates me greatly - particularly as i've spent the last week up all night with one who is far from clean despite being drug free for months now

[SquidgyBrain]

NanaNina - as always you are absolutely right. The LO's parents were in the care system, and his mum had really poor parenting.

The Contraceptive implant last 3 years. Contraceptive injections are every 3 months