some advice/opinions please

[SquidgyBrain]

Our LO has now been here over 8 weeks! Not sure where the time has gone!

Anyway, when he arrived, he was almost sleeping through - needed a little soothing occasionally but that was only in the first week, and he was doing brilliantly at self settling.

Fast forwards to 2 weeks ago, he had a rotten cold, he was obviously feeling really poorly. As a result, he was a wee bit grumbly over night, but again just needed his back patting and a little soothing and he was going back over.

He went to contact (overnight) when he was beginning to feel better. His mum was over dramatising how ill he was (I was seriously worried as she was describing him as really really ill) when I went to take them to the Dr's it was obvious to me that he was actually much better than he was when he was dropped off on the Tuesday morning - however I know that it is different when it is your own child and you panic.

So he ended up spending 2 nights there as the social worker felt that it was important for both LO and his Mum to bond over this.

We got him back on the Thursday morning, and haven't had a full nights sleep since. Just about had him back to self settling - went for another over night again on Tuesday and he was worse than ever.

It seems that when he wakes up in the middle of the night they get him up and give him toast and milk!

The placement seems to be a longer term one - next LAC meeting is in March and I have been told he will not be getting returned then - they are planning on going to a shared care system.

The parents seem to be compliant with agencies but it is seeming more and more like just talk.

So what would you do/say? I have 3 kids of my own and a DH who gets up to work at 5.30 so a screaming baby every night for the next 6 months is really not going to work.

I Know that most babies/children cry, and we are more than prepared to get up with a child if they need us too - as there is always light at the end of the tunnel, but in this case the light seems to be coming from the buffet car on the train steaming towards up offering toast and milk!

It really is more the there is no end to this and the frustration of us spending 5 nights a week at the minute working hard to get him in to a routine and settled and it is undone in 2 night , as the parents are not prepared to "let him cry" and he rules them

Maybe I am just whinging?

Would appreciate any help advice or even that is the job get one with it's

thanks

SB xx

[fostermumtomany]

hi
all you can do is voice your concerns but ultimately if a judge has said they get overnight visits there really is very little you can do about it.

it is one of the bad bits about fostering. we are just glorified babysitters and as such have to do what the people with pr want. which in all cases is the parents and the LA.

it really isnt fair but unfortunately that is just the way it is.
as you say babies do cry and if mum wants to give him toast at 3am she is allowed to.
it makes my blood boil when they dont take into account that it is us that have to deal with the aftermath.
i had a little one who would cry for 2 days solid post contact but nobody would listen. in th eend i contacted the guardian about the levels of distress as the social worker told th ejudge this baby loved contact and was settled througout.
maybe you ring the guardian and voice your concerns after all they are meant to have the childs interests at heart and nobody elses.
worth a shot!

[SquidgyBrain]

the LO was at a children's hearing last week, and the access is down to the SW discretion, so LO doesn't have to be there at nights.

Part of the reason he hasn't been returned is their lack of parenting ability/knowledge and they have been told that they must follow our routine with him.

The real issue is the parents are selfish and it is about them and not the LO

His dad spends most of the day/night laying on the couch watching wrestling so it really isn't any skin off his nose to have the LO crawling about playing

The parents nod their heads and agree with everything then do their own thing.

So utterly frustrated

[fostermumtomany]

ah well then it is a matter for the guardian
i would get in touch asap and voice your concerns.
it clearly is not in lo interest and if they have been told to follow your routine then that is what they must do or the overnights should stop.
definately contact the guardian (assuming one has bee appointed!)

[SquidgyBrain]

there is no guardian - just the parents and the social worker. I will be speaking to them both this week. Just really at the I'm not sure I can carry on with this stage (tiredness probably!!)

[fostermumtomany]

oh no!!!
every lac should have a guardian mind you our last baby waited 9 months to get one!

i would suggest contacting the foster carers advice line hun. i know you will be seeing the team soon but this is clearly playing on your mind so i would give them a ring. do it tonight.

maybe you could ask for a weeks respite to see if other carers have the same issues.

the team would have to listen to two lots of carers.
and you would get the added benefit of a full nights sleep!
just a thought.

also bring up at the lac review about the lack of a guardian for this little one!

[SquidgyBrain]

It is playing on my mind, but it is more the long term effect on us all that is doing that - There is a network meeting on Tuesday and then I am seeing my link worker on Wednesday so I will be looking to get some help and answers then.

I am also going to contact another carer that I know locally and see what she recommends - she is a very no nonsense person so I know she wouldn't put up with the parents behaving like this.

Respite is a good option, too will see what this week brings.

Thanks so much for taking the time - shall also be looking into the guardian thing too :)

[maypole1]

God we only look after the children god forbid they listen to us.

My Los parents have been taking lo out in a pram during contact she is 6 lo has a wheelchair which they refuse to take as they don't want people to know lo is disabled


It's like they live on planet zoo with the sw and we live in the real world

And all the sw has to say well they are los parents and they are supposed to be being watched I guess the contact worker is picking her nose lol
You have to giggle or you would cry wouldn't you

[fostermumtomany]

i despair sometimes with sw i really do.

we were asked to supervise contact with our last placement in birth mums house. we went the first time and there were over 20 relatives there. we left straight away!
sw said it had been pre-arranged but nobody told us lol

i think all sw live in planet zoo!

[shaz298]

Not a nice situation squidgy. Definitely speak to both your link worker and lo sw. Parents are not abiding by what is requested of them and as their lack of knowledge and understanding of parenting is an issue, the authorities really need to be listening to you.

This conitnuing change of routine is not good for anyone.

xx

[SquidgyBrain]

OH well it has all gotten a hell of a lot more interesting :(


Turns out that mum is continuing to use, and would have been on drugs when she had him on an over night stay

They have been lying to the social worker

and

wait for it

can anyone guess what comes next?

















Yup she is pregnant again

[fostermumtomany]

oh no.
i would say im shocked im sadly nothing shocks me anymore.

so have they ceased overnight visits now?

[shaz298]

Oh no..... I assume no more unsupervised contact for her then? xxx

[p99gmb]

Oh squidgy... what a sad situation - have you got room for the new LO as well??

Best of luck.. we've got our stat review at 2 today.. fingers crossed everyone gets their finger out!!

[SquidgyBrain]

OH JOY!

Just when I thought that things were not going to get any worse they did!

The network meeting didn't happen today, as Mum's probation office couldn't make it and the senior social worker wasn't happy for the meeting to go ahead without her.

So the SW pulled me aside and said she wasn't really happy about him going to overnight contact, and very kindly asked if that would be a problem.

So the FSO, SW and myself went into the meeting room with them, and they were told that there would be no over night contact and Dad lost it

I was told that I was a bad carer, I shouldn't have a child as young as LO round the place as I don't have time to carry him about 24/7 and lots of other verbal abuse.

Turns out they now don't think Mum is pregnant, but she did say that when she went out of the office today she was going to break her probation which would result in her serving a prison service. She is on her final warning for not turning up at her appointments so won't take much

what a total mess, I guess that the honeymoon period is well and truly over.

No overnights this week but the plan is to restart next week pending how things go at the meeting.

p99 - good luck with the review today :)

Thanks everyone for the support

[fostermumtomany]

i cant believe they are planning to restart overnights knowing sh eis using again!!!!

this is when you could really use a guardian as they would put a stop to it immediately!

i feel for you as carers we are always stuck between a rock and a hard place arnt we.

to my mind a lot of the sw job is just common sense but they seem to be lacking dont they.

sorry you had to get all the grief of the parents.
i know this sounds awful but lets hope she does break her probation as that would be problem solved all round. sorry if thats sounds harsh but im thinking of the littl eone being in that environment.
some people honest to god they dont know what they are doing do they.
grrrrrr

[shaz298]

At least the O/n contact is off. DO they know where you live? Will they be likely to turn up angry? Really hope not.

I agree with fostermummy.....at least if b/mum goes to prison then there will be stability for the little one. xxxx

[fostermumtomany]

ooh i didnt even think of that shaz298....they dont have your address do they?
if they should turn up dont even go to the door, just contact the police and social services.
keep safe and keep your chin up. you are obviously not a bad carer or your little one would not be with you.

(can i ask what LO stands for please lol)

[SquidgyBrain]

They do have my address it wasn't with held from them. They used to live in the area that I do now so they could locate me easily. But to be honest I can't see that happening. Dad is well known to social services - both as a child and now as a parent so they know him well. But I have been told that I shouldn't open the door and call the police.

To be fair Dad doesn't use and there has never been any concern about his safety, so I can see why the social workers will restart contact as per the rehab contract if they start complying again.

I am thinking that it would be the best thing for everyone including Mum if she did end up in prison, it would allow her time to gather her strength and finally get rid of LO's Dad who is a waste of oxygen (He really is dire)

His social worker is actually brilliant, she called me this afternoon, as she wanted to tell me how impressed she was how I handled myself in the situation - I did answer Dad back when he was screaming at me, but remained calm and measured.

I didn't let any of the things that Dad was screaming at me upset me, I know that he is just lashing out and blaming anyone else as he can't deal with accepting that the situation is of his own making.

So we have the whole thing to go through again on Friday

(LO - little one)

[fostermumtomany]

thankyou for that (lo)

please keep yourself safe as you never know if they will turn up or not.

i agree it would be best for everyone if mum went back to prison. hopefully it would be a good stretch too as this would (hopefully) allow her to get clean, although we all know that they tend to score asap upon getting released.
i always try to look for the good though and tell myself they will stay clean and turn their lives around. i cant tell you how disappointed i always end up!
you'd think i would learn lol.

seriously though please keep safe and yes well done for keeping calm, i would not have been able to. i lost my temper in a meeting last week with the social worker!

[NanaNina]

Squidgy brain - I have had 30 years experience as a social worker and the last 15 years as tm mgr of a fostering team. Am now retired.

I really am confused about what is happening here. If the SSD are going to court for a Care Order then as others have said, a guardian has to be appointed in all care proceedings. CAFCASS organisation to which guardians belong however are on their knees at the moment as care proceedings have gone up 50% since the death of baby P.

I can't imagine they are not going to court as I can't imagine these birth parents would enter into a voluntary agreement with the l.a. and it doesn't sound like it is safe to do so anyway.

SO I would make sure you know what is happening in this respect and if care proceedings are being instituted then a guardian must be appointed. You need to know what the legal status of the child is at present - if they have already been to court he will be subject to an Interim Care Order which will be renewed until the final hearing. Mind guardians are like everyone else, some good, some not so good etc, but they are very influential in court.

The next thing that needs to be clarified is what is the Care Plan for this child. You mentioned shared care - between the parents and who else? This is a very unusual care plan. SO they want parents to share the care with who - presumably they are not expecting you to be the other half of the shared care arrangement. If this is he plan then they will need to find long term foster carers who are willing to enter into such an arrangement and there will not be many (if any) foster carers who are willing to enter into such an arrangement, especially given the birth father's temper. SO, ask the sw what is the care plan.

It sounds to me as though they don't quite have the courage to remove the child from the parent. IF they are intent on shared care, then I can see why overnight stays are appropriate, but if NOT, then this is ridiculous. Seems to me they need to decide whether it is safe for this child to be returned to parents, or placed for permanent fostering, or adoption.

I think you need these things clarified.

As for the crying issue, and the differences in the care between yourselves and the birth parents, not much you can do about that. However if this placement is becoming too difficult, you must put your own children and family first.

Hope things get sorted.

Happy to help further if necessary.

[NanaNina]

Just thought you mentioned a Childrens Hearing - are you in Scotland as I think these matters maybe handled differently there. I was assuming you were not in Scotland?

[fostermumtomany]

yes but still a guardian should always be in place to represent the child shouldnt it regardless of where you live otherwise who is acting in the childs best interests?

i know in my area there is a massive shortage of guardians and our last lo had to wait 9 months for a guardian, she only turned up right at the very end and messed everything up which tbh needed messing up as the ss had no idea what was going on as too many sw's were involved and not communicating.
i have never worked with a team as bad as they were seriously. it was awful.
they would arrange meetings and not turn up, they would set contact and not tell us or mum so we would them get told off for not going!
the icing on the cake though was when they arranged contact initially but told mum she wouldnt be allowed to touch her child or even look at him!
everybody at that initial meeting put in an official complaint and he was subsequently fired after a time.

[SquidgyBrain]

NanaNina,

Thanks for your input, the advice and experience you have given on this board has been invaluable.

Firstly yes I am in Scotland.

The LO was on a voluntary basis. He had a supervision order placed at birth and originally placed living with his maternal grandmother and Mum moved in there too - which SS were happy with. The events leading up to removal were it was discovered that Mum was still using heroin and Dad knew this and was covering/lying for her. This made SS uneasy and the FSO was to be very heavily involved in the case, the SW and the FSO went to their home and Mum and Dad were midst a very heated argument, (both have history of violent behaviour) and SS phoned the police. At this point Mum signed the voluntary order. They were both aware that if she didn't then a CPO would be taken.

We went to the Children's Hearing last week, and his supervised placement was modified to a named placement - this being my home.

There has never been concern for the LO's physical welfare, however emotionally is a different story - with the volatile relationship between his parents, and it seems that Mum started using more heavily in the 2 months before he was removed, and he was displaying signs of emotional neglect.

The care plan was to try and move towards shared care - there is lack of parenting skills and knowledge issues also, I was going to be doing a period of shared care with them. I was also going to be doing some parent craft with them. (I am a trained paediatric nurse and have been a nanny, along with raising my own 3 kids so I have a good knowledge base) I was happy to do all this - and if we can turn it about I will still be happy to. The plan had been to hopefully be at the reverse of where we were (them having him 2 days and nights and me having him 5 days and nights to them doing 5 and me 2) by Summer and then looking at returning him home full time

The thought behind all this was really to see how his Mum dealt with the pressure, and how their very strained relationship faired, and give various other agencies time to work with them (drug services, welfare rights, probation officer, family therapist) whilst SS still maintaining some control over the situation.

To be fair on the LO he is really settled when he is here - and being kept into a good routine. The parents sticking to the routine we have gotten him in is part of the Rehab contract, so if they carry on breeching it then the SW will be stepping in. He has slept really well the past couple of nights, and is a real sweetie and a joy when he isn't completely shattered as a result of not getting naps when with his parents.

Mum seems to have given up, Dad won't but he has been here plenty (this is Mum's 1st LO - and Dad's 6th - 1 adopted, 1 died of SIDS in LA care, 2 on permanency and the other lives with his Mum) so not really a great track record.

Wow that has turned into a novel!!

Thanks again ladies

[shaz298]

Hi,

We don't have guardians in Scotland. However Squidgy you could ask the hearing about a safeguarder ( I think it's the equivalent of the english guardian).

That person is independent and has to identifiy whay exactly the best interests of the child are.................

Poor you. Hugs xx

[SquidgyBrain]

Ah that makes sense Sharon, there was talk of appointing a safe guarder at the Children's hearing, but it was deemed by the panel to be unnecessary as the parents were in agreement with the social work report, and the SW's Myself and the Parents were all working well together.

I must admit that I am feeling a little foolish as I didn't realise that shared care (if that is indeed what the SW were/are planning) wasn't typical return home strategy - now I know why the LO's SW asked me and my link worker how long the placement was available.......

Thanks for the hugs Sharon x x