No support - trying not to lose it

(9 Posts)
Chinateacup Tue 02-Apr-13 20:49:03

Will probably out myself here but almost don't care. DH been away since early December. Neither of our families are local but have been as good as distance and their life permits. I work ft and have 2 very young children. All my so called friends have been an absolute let down. All made kind promises pre-deployment but have been less than useless. I am not a needy person but hoped that just one of them might have offered something, anything. Like an hour so I could go for a run, or for a coffee, or bring some food, or come to me for a cuppa. I have actually asked for help with a small DIY task, and not a single response. We were supposed to go stay somewhere last weekend and got cancelled on due to host family illness - though the fb Easter weekend posts would suggest otherwise. I then actually messaged another friend to say I was struggling. I got a text 2 days later saying never mind, DH will be back soon. I just feel like telling them all where to go. I'm not usually self indulgent but I am absolutely shattered. My patience is thin, I look haggared. I just want a hughmm
Am I wrong to be so disappointed? What should I have done differently? Maybe it's just me. 2 of the girls are mil wives too so I would have expected a bit more.
Feel so low...

china hug from me. Where are you based?

notamomtokids Tue 02-Apr-13 21:08:05

Hi china please don't feel like shit. Easy to say, but close your eyes and open them another person. Take the cognitive approach. I had a similar experience a couple of years ago and felt that I was just making up numbers for parties that my friends had and didn't feel part of their scene. I decide to start afresh and 'got rid of all the dead wood'. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be.

After this, learn to rely on yourself. If you can get help from others, it will be a bonus, but you know you won't let yourself down!

Be disappointed, but then move away from that and organise small goals for each day. What you can't do, try to learn or don't do it (if possible; is the DIY essential?)

It will be very lonely and I felt like that for a while, but for me, this is better than feeling like I am not part of the group and that the group values a turd in the street more than they do me. I certainly am not needy, but I expected my friends to be there for me the one time I needed them and they weren't. The worst was that they did not even realise that I needed them which made it pretty obvious that I was not in their thoughts. As soppy as it may sound, this is something that the majority, if not all of us was; for people to think about us and value us. When this doesn't happen we have to look at other ways of living our lives and relying on ourselves is a safe bet.

Be strong and it may feel ilke shit to begin with, but after you hopefully will be pleased that you sorted yourself out and will not be put in that position again.

I don't know if any of this will help, but good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

Gossipmonster Wed 03-Apr-13 10:36:27

Oh no don't feel bad sad

First time my OH went away I had loads of stuff planned with friends etc and was let down LOADS and it was a very lonely feeling, esp those long drawn out weekends with the kids on your own when EVERYONE else seems to be having wonderful family/friends time and you are stuck on your own like a spare lonely fart and "couples" not quite wanting to know what to do with you as minus a man you don't fit in really hmm.

I have no military friends or family and what really galled me was when he finally returned the amount if people who said "oooh that went fast" hmm.

I write a little bit of a letter to OH everyday and he reads it when he gets alongside so he knows what's been happening, and he keeps a diary for me.

Try to keep busy and arrange things with your not so flaky friends (I know it's easier than it sounds).

SandyChick Wed 03-Apr-13 22:31:31

Take one day at a time. You will get there. I know it's bloody hard work.

Others just dont understand. I don't think you can have any idea what it's like to be married to someone in the armed forces if your not.

My Dh is away too. He's almost 2 weeks into a 7 month deployment. We have an 11 month old and 5 year old. I find it easier to keep really busy to avoid thinking of it even though I'm shattered I just need to keep going because when I stop I'll probably not get going again.

smile

pimmsgalore Thu 04-Apr-13 16:17:28

Don't worry it will end and as they say "what doesn't break you will make you stronger"

We have 2 weeks left of a 7 months deployment here and I am now on wind down mode having had the worst deployment ever. We have had sick children, children in trouble at school, children being bullied at school, FIL who has meddled and moaned his way through it and I am so glad we are nearly done. As everyone says people not married to an armed forces person don't get it and I am so glad I am on school holidays right now as if one more person said to me "its gone quick" or "I can't cope with my DH being away for 2 nights how do you manage 7 months" I may well thump them !! You manage as you have to, the fact that they don't give you any support just winds me up

SandyChick - hope all goes well

China - have a big hug from me

Gossipmonster Thu 04-Apr-13 20:19:01

"I don't know how you cope" is another favourite hmm.

Chinateacup Thu 04-Apr-13 23:25:23

Thankyou all you wonderful people <sends hugs back>
The world seemed brighter today. We only have a few weeks left to push and sometimes that's what makes the invincible cloak fall off. I think.
Well done all of us grin

LazarussLozenge Mon 08-Apr-13 19:43:23

Chinateacup,

Get in touch with your local Army Welfare Service person, and ask about homestart.

You could go through the Unt Welfare Office, but AWS are external and confidential.

CRB cleared volunteers can pop around and just babysit for an hour, allowing you to do what you need to do. Or other things.

Speak to them and find out how they may be able to help.

It isn't wrong to stumble now and then. And there are people who can help you regain your balance.

For bringing food, try supermarket internet deliverys! You'd be amazed how much time that frees up!

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