August Non-Fiction Book Club:

(94 Posts)
StewieGriffinsMom Mon 08-Aug-11 18:28:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigkidsdidit Wed 31-Aug-11 21:26:54

Don't you think though, that for some things - like sending cards, or acceptig the children's party invitations - one person generally has to be on top of the planning? So things aren't done twice?

I suppose some sort of in and out tray system would work well too though

PettyCoat Wed 31-Aug-11 21:27:59

Yes, bucaneve, that was unusual to see in print. But I took it more to mean she thought that both H & W should be a bit fed-up rather than H getting most of the fun and W being unhappy.

She was very honest about her own bad experiences in marriage early on. It's interesting that things changed for her when she got married more than when she started co-habiting, and that that seemed to be a more general result as well. I wasn't really sure why that was, did anyone pick up on why?

SGM, do you mean the guys who declared they did the laundry but didn't know what kind of washing machine they had?!

bigkidsdidit Wed 31-Aug-11 21:28:23

Yy SGM meals struck a chord

Without DH I stand in front of the fridge and just bite bits off random items

bigkidsdidit Wed 31-Aug-11 21:29:18

Yes her marriage - I didn't really understand why she came home and IMMEDIATELY cooked that big meal

StewieGriffinsMom Wed 31-Aug-11 21:30:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cleverything Wed 31-Aug-11 21:30:19

The bit about the % more housework that widowed men have to do was the bit that I felt the need to bookmark.
And I really share her experience that it got an awful lot easier to run the house without my husband in it any more.

Kitsilano Wed 31-Aug-11 21:31:32

I loved the laundry section too - I think it was the number of Australian men claiming to do laundry using an appliance that wasn't actually in the house!

The other point that really resonates with me was the self-delusion that is required for both husband and wife to convince themselves they are in an equal or fair relationship because that's what they believe in when actually they clearly aren't. I think that applies to my relationship sometimes and many of my friends.

TimeWasting Wed 31-Aug-11 21:32:29

Hello! Only about half-way through the book, but am soooo glad I finally got round to buying it!
I've been involved in many threads on housework/wifework/cognitive dissonance etc. and reading the book is crystallising it all for me.

I've been doing wifework since DH first moved in with me, years before we married. In fact, I was doing it for my horrible housemates before I met DH.
I'm really embarrassed, but it really is a powerful subconscious drive I guess.

I want to buy lots of copies for everyone I know.

Cleverything Wed 31-Aug-11 21:32:58

Yep, the meals too. Some days I just eat a random assortment of protein, carbs and veg. When XH was in the house I would have fretted much more about providing a meal.

StewieGriffinsMom Wed 31-Aug-11 21:33:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bucaneve Wed 31-Aug-11 21:33:31

Yes that would be better PettyCoat both partners being a bit fed up rather than one happy and one reeeaally fed up.

I think maybe when you are living together it can still seem young and cool and bohemian in your head and then suddenly you are a 'grown up' and A Wife and you sort of subconsciously think - right I must now act like a grown up wife (like our mums?)

bigkidsdidit Wed 31-Aug-11 21:33:52

Do you think this delusion is part of the process to actually having more equal relationships? One of the stages - first we say it, then we believe it, then we do it?

Kitsilano Wed 31-Aug-11 21:33:58

Timewasting - i agree - I really want to give copies to a couple of friends of mine but fear they might not take it too well...

Kitsilano Wed 31-Aug-11 21:35:11

Interesting bigkids - I hadn't thought of it like that.

Cleverything Wed 31-Aug-11 21:37:32

I'm DESPERATE to give one to my sister, but she already thinks I'm odd. She is very happy with her bunting-cupcakery-cath-kidston-husband-pandering ways.

TimeWasting Wed 31-Aug-11 21:38:42

Food is a major one for me. I had been vegan for a year when DH moved in, a year later I wasn't anymore.
Because cooking two separate meals is a pain in the ass.

I've gone vegan again this week, finally, and am trying to encourage DH to take responsibility for his own food intake.
By buying lots of frozen pizza and chips in for him.

StewieGriffinsMom Wed 31-Aug-11 21:42:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PettyCoat Wed 31-Aug-11 21:42:27

bigkidsdidit yes, I think how you say it is important for how you see it/believe it. Both H & W need to know who is 'in charge' of what area but also what tasks that involves and how those tasks are split.

For example, I do the online food shop but DH must still write finished things on the list or they won't get bought: I don't own all parts of the task and have to go round checking up on his bit. I try not to say 'thank you for helping me' , just 'have you got your list, great, thanks' - being polite but not implying that it 'should' be 100% my task and he's 'helped' me... I guess the analogy is I would say at work, 'can you write this report, great, thanks' if it was part of a colleague's job description but 'can you help me with my report as I'm really short of time this week' if it was actually my job but I was pressed for time or something.

Does that make sense?!

madwomanintheattic Wed 31-Aug-11 21:42:57

i couldn't get hold of a copy straight away. sad
lurking though - have ordered one, but it didn't come.

dh used to do all the present/ cards stuff here, and then he had an accident which resulted in some memory issues. it was horrifying to realise that i had pretty much no idea whose birthday was when. i think you're right though, one person doing it has to be saner... i'm still rubbish at it now. it does make you feel guilty even if you know it's not your Job...

bucaneve Wed 31-Aug-11 21:44:26

YY I think food will be a major one if/when I ever move in with my boyfriend. We like completely different things and he only really knows how to bung stuff in the oven as opposed to cooking from scratch. I worry I will end up doing all of the cooking rather than having to eat the processed rubbish he eats. Luckily he seems quite receptive to my attempts to teach him how to cook

PettyCoat Wed 31-Aug-11 21:45:26

SGM I completely agree on the eating, I definitely would have put on less weight if living alone. DH is a lot taller than me, any meal that satisfies him will probably be too big for me, but I still eat it! blush

bigkidsdidit Wed 31-Aug-11 21:46:23

Petty absolutely! I tie myself up on knots being polite and thankful to lovely DH without implying he's helping me do something I ought to be doing

Eg CM off this week - DH has taken the time off because I'm busy at work. I wanted to convey how pleased I was he'd done it and grateful - after reading all those horrors of threads in relationships - without thanking him just for beig a father!

Arg

Cleverything Wed 31-Aug-11 21:47:28

I tried to implement a 'house diary' before DH and I separated, with birthdays, parties etc in. Didn't work - he never used it, so it was just like me having an extra diary.
Now he doesn't have me prompting, he misses out. Last Saturday he forgot to go to a wedding celebration BBQ / party that he had RSVP-ed yes to.

bigkidsdidit Wed 31-Aug-11 21:47:41

To clarify - grateful he'd done 100% of it, not grateful he'd done 50%

Cleverything Wed 31-Aug-11 21:49:05

bucaneve You can still play to your strengths. I didn't mind doing all the cooking, but it was annoying having to decide what to cook all the time. That's the most exhausting part for me and cannot be delegated.

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