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What to do now

(55 Posts)
violetsrblue Sat 03-May-14 06:16:00

Just posting here for advice and information. My son (39) split up from his partner nearly 2 weeks ago. They have 2 young children. He was drinking heavily and went into hospital for detox, coming out 4 days ago.

I have been staying in a hotel room with him since he left his family home. I am hundreds of miles away from my own home, but I don't want to leave him on his own, his mental and physical state is fragile.

He has been going out and walking around on his own in the afternoon/evening/night. He says he meets up with people. I don't believe he is drinking (yet). He has been coming back to the room around 3 am, though the first night was 6 am.

My concern is for him as a vulnerable adult. He stills looks and is, in a bad way mentally and physically.

I understand he is an adult and I can't control his choices.

At 5 a.m. today I phoned the police for advice and they will look for him, as a missing person, and/or vulnerable adult I think. They mentioned adult social services, but I don't know what to say if I contact them.

I have been trying to persuade him to travel back to my place with me and stay for a couple of weeks, but he doesn't want to be so far away from his children (who he has seen twice since it happened).
Sorry this is so long and thanks to anyone reading this, feeling increasingly worried about him, and also myself (I have some mh issues).

violetsrblue Sat 03-May-14 14:56:49

Situation has changed, I am now back at home, at least for a while.

Millie2013 Sat 03-May-14 22:16:43

Oh gosh, how worrying for you. I hope that things are settled enough for you both tonight

violetsrblue Sun 04-May-14 10:56:43

Thanks, I decided to come home yesterday, he is drinking again. Felt close to suicide yesterday, had a plan and wrote letters. Was going to do it when I got home but luckily the journey is quite long and the further away I got the more normal I felt. Also arranged for my dog to come back today (been at petsitters).

Also told my sister I couldn't be in contact with her at the moment (she was initially helpful but ultimately draining me).

Have had some texts to and from my son's partner. Understandably she is angry but feel I can't just condemn his behaviour, because I feel responsible for it (at times - hence feeling so low yesterday).

Sorry this is so long, it is helping to write it down.

AgentZigzag Mon 05-May-14 02:44:00

Hi Violet,

I know you've written the thread about your DS, but you sound as though you need to find some support for yourself thanks it's very concerning that you wrote the letters/got a plan together, and that you feel responsible for his behaviour (you don't have to answer, but why is that?).

Would you agree that you can't directly stop him from drinking etc, even if you were stood right next to him?

You've said it yourself, he's an adult and makes his own choices.

Given that you've done everything in your power to help him resolve what's going on in his head, the adult social services sounds a good thing to try, even if it's just for advice/where else you could try.

Just tell them what you've written in the OP.

Sorry your sister isn't up to much supporting you, is there anyone else you can talk to about this? I know you've said you felt better the further away you got, but it's how you're going to cope with the next contact you have with him.

violetsrblue Mon 05-May-14 11:21:29

Thanks, I'm so moved that you read my post and cared, it really means a lot. And the flowers too smile

I don't really know what to do next. I don't know if contacting him is making him feel worse.

Today I feel quite low, but not suicidal. I've got my dog here now and that really helps.

I think I'll try and do some ringing around tomorrow when places are open.

I feel to blame, because I couldn't parent him properly..he goes in and out of forgiving me, needing me one minute then blaming me, and he's changeable because of the drink. He's in a very dark place, it's pretty unbearable. I don't think I can help him if he blames me.

violetsrblue Mon 05-May-14 13:03:48

I think I haven't really accepted that I can't control or stop his drinking. On the day I came back, he phoned me wondering where I was..he didn't remember the conversation about blame, or me saying goodbye, any of it.

His partner is not letting his daughter see him now, although she (the daughter) wants to but I think that is a good thing, she needs to be protected.

ajandjjmum Mon 05-May-14 13:11:50

What a tough time you're going through. Do you think it would help to see your GP and get some help in place for yourself?

Tired10years Mon 05-May-14 13:26:53

Hi Violet
This is a really difficult situation and I hope you can find ways to look after yourself (? walk the dog, see friends, distract yourself from the situation for a while). Samaritans can be really helpful as can Al-anon (support for family and friends of drinkers).

There is help out there for your son but he will need to want to make contact with them. You could contact his local Adult Social Care service and report him as a vulnerable adult but from experience it is likely that he will be advised to seek help from alcohol services, I doubt they will actually 'do' anything. I'm only saying that so you don't have high expectations if you call them, sorry, don't want to sound defeatist but ultimately his drinking and the consequences are his choice and his path.

I've seen relatives, friends, carers become so ill from wanting to fix this situation so please please talk to someone. You can advise, support and be there for him 100% when he is sober but do not take on responsibility for his choices. I know it's easy for me to sit in my living room and write this but I really don't want you to get ill or god forbid kill yourself. Look up Al Anon or contact your local alcohol service who will probably have a friends and family support group or even individual support.

So, it's bank holiday Monday, loads of the day left to do something to make yourself feel good. Let us know what your doing! And here...have more flowers thanks

violetsrblue Mon 05-May-14 14:12:50

Thanks so much, you're so kind. And thanks for the flowers! I'm going to walk my dog in a bit, and going to meet my friend at 5.

I spoke to his partner today and we had a fairly long chat which was good, I think we're on the same page - protect the kids. I'm going to put some money in her bank a/c tomorrow, I offered because she has no money left for basics (I trust her, she's not a taking kind of person).

I'll ring my son about 4 pm, but I'm going to be neutral, and not keep trying to get hold of him if he doesn't answer. I spoke to him twice yesterday, in a pretty neutral way, and arranged to phone at 10 pm (he wanted this). He didn't answer (of course was out drinking at that time).

It really helps to post here, thanks again.

AgentZigzag Mon 05-May-14 17:45:04

It's really good that you're still in contact with his DP, for you, her, your DGD and for your DS. You're someone who both of them can trust and that might be helpful when he's feeling a bit less stressed and is in a place where he can have contact with his DD again.

You said you weren't able to parent him properly, can I ask if that was because of the MH issues you mentioned earlier?

If it was, then you are definitely not to blame, you were ill and didn't have a choice as to how it affected you.

I would say that the bottom line for me as a parent is to be there when they need you, and you are there for him. Being neutral with him is a good idea IMO, it doesn't pressure him any more than he is already but he knows he can come to you.

Hope you've managed to talk to him today, it must be torture knowing he's out there and struggling so much.

Tired10years Mon 05-May-14 18:59:12

Well done on the dog walk. Sounds like you're getting a grip on the situation. Keep looking after yourself.

violetsrblue Tue 06-May-14 10:59:37

Thank you. Yesterday I phoned DS at 4 pm, no reply. Got in touch with the Al-Anon helpline and am going to a meeting tonight in the next town ( none in my town). Should be able to get a lift over.

Went out with my dog, then saw my friend. DS phoned me at 6, we had a brief chat, and arranged to speak again at 9 pm. No reply to that call.

Feel a bit switched off today, am on loads of meds though and get that a lot. Also think self -preservation at work.

The past and his childhood - yes, was because of m/h (though undiagnosed at the time), and general toxic family set-up. Thank you for your kind words about that, Agent Zig Zag. Thanks for caring ajandjjmum and Tired 10years.

fluffybunnies246 Tue 06-May-14 17:45:30

oh violets how hard it must be for you. You are doing the right thing by just being there, and keeping calling him, there is nothing else you can do. He's an adult and able to make his own choices. My mum had mh probs and was alcoholic...so not the best childhood...but recently when I've been going through a bad patch she's kept trying although I tried to push her away. That actually, has meant a lot. Keep trying to contact him. Even if he doesn't pick up he will see that you've tried...sometimes just knowing that someone is actually bothered makes a difference xxx

violetsrblue Tue 06-May-14 21:35:34

Thanks fluffybunnies, your words are so kind, and I feel moved. Have felt low and tired all day. Put some money into his ex-partner's bank account today, and walked dog, not done anything else. Could have gone to Al-Anon meeting but didn't. No response to phone calls (two).

violetsrblue Wed 07-May-14 13:27:38

Last night doubled up on meds so feel a bit cushioned from it today. Ringing around various agencies trying to get support for mself this morning. No reply from son to any calls or texts.

I think my sister is going to pay for a flat for him.

I guess he will be able to drink in comfort then.

Feel pretty bitter today. Never been able to parent him properly but instead of helping me she took over and that damaged things further between me and him. She hasn't got any children of her own or partner. She wasn't there though with him when he nearly died two weeks ago. This is killing me and it's killing him.

Sorry this is so negative. It's terrible being alone with and it is helping me to write it down. I can ask for it to be deleted if it's not appropriate.

violetsrblue Wed 07-May-14 16:26:54

Ugh, feel bad now..sister is trying to help him stay off the streets and that's what I want too.

AgentZigzag Wed 07-May-14 21:18:42

There really is nothing even remotely inappropriate about your thread/posts.

It's totally understandable that you feeling bitter about your sister, especially when you remember that your MN issues are not your fault.

You didn't choose to have them, or decide how they were going to affect your relationship with your son. Having to look on while your sister did what you wanted to do must have been/be awful.

At least when he's in a flat you'll know whereabouts he's drinking, that has to be better than wondering what environment he's in on the street.

It's probably shite advice, but try and leave the past where it is for now, think more about it when you've got to the other side of this bit of your life. It is a good thing that there's someone else supporting you and your DS, I know it might feel as though it's driving a wedge further between you, but that's not necessarily how things will work out long term?

Give yourself a break tonight <hug>

violetsrblue Wed 07-May-14 22:04:54

Thanks so much for your kind words Agent Zigzag, they really help.Today I had some text contact with my sister. She can help financially but not really emotionally, she needs so much reassurance and I can't give it any more. I don't think she gets how bad it is, she doesn't really get the darkness of it, she didn't see him, and thinks he can just go about arranging things. But I'm going to try and work with her and I think you're right about not dwelling on the past for now.

I paid for a few more nights in the hotel for him, God knows if that is the right thing to do but my anxiety is going through the roof.

He has got til next Weds now in the hotel. I don't know what to do about the flat which is just an idea at the moment.

He's not answering the phone to any of us now. I think my fear is that he will just disappear off the radar when he leaves the hotel.

I might go back up there before next week. I am also supposed to be collecting his and ex's dog which is in kennels.

AgentZigzag Thu 08-May-14 20:21:11

I would say, and I'm only guessing, that it's a good thing for him to have the option of going back to a hotel, it at least gives him somewhere he can focus on? Which I've always thought must be a terrible thing if you're homeless, you lose the base which is always in the back of your mind wherever you are/whatever you're doing.

I don't want this to come across as cold hearted, but just take what you/you think your DS needs from your sister and leave any other shit until you can deal with it/her. If she can give him financial support that has to be a good thing, it doesn't matter if she doesn't fully understand how much he's struggling at the minute, you do, and you're the one trying to get him through this.

Is there no option at all for him to go back to his DP?

Fingers crossed you've had some contact from him.

violetsrblue Thu 08-May-14 22:47:23

Yes I feel that as long as he's got the hotel things will be ok. But he is out and about, meeting people and I remembered today, that before he met his DP (12 years ago), he always led a life of drinking and living in chaotic house-shares etc, so he is going back to what he knows.
I think he will find people to hook up with/drink with.

He is not answering calls or texts from family at all - don't even know if he has still got his phone.

He can't go back to his DP, she has to protect the children.

The hotel staff have 'seen him' (I phoned them even).

I am going to get the dog on Sunday and bring it back. I am thinking long-term, I will probably lose touch with him, and I feel too low now to contact his partner.

I think having the dogs will keep me going, because I sure as hell haven't got anything else to live for.
Gone into hateful self-pity mode.

Thanks for your kind words though, they are going in. Mostly at the moment I feel numb and weak.

violetsrblue Thu 08-May-14 22:58:17

I suppose I thought he would grow out of that lifestyle but now I think no, it's too ingrained. He grew up around abuse and drinking as did I. His cousin is worse and I guess we always thought at least DS is not as bad as him. Maybe DS was the golden child. Then he seemed to settle down with mortgage/children but always seemed scared of his partner.

It is helping to offload this, I feel so alone with it, think I have minimised and been in denial for years - what a fucking mess.

I'm sorry I'm being so bleak

AgentZigzag Fri 09-May-14 00:36:08

I used to deal with things in an alarming way when I was younger, and it is easy to slip back in to the techniques you've used before when things start to go downhill.

But it's the helplessness you must feel looking on at your DS. That you can offer to do things that you think might help, but when it comes down to brass tacks, you can't make him get the help he needs.

I know I keep banging on saying it, but it's not your fault. Whatever you think of yourself, you're a caring mum from where I'm standing. Why else would you be posting? If you were such a crap parent you wouldn't give this a second thought, or be trying to help out your DS or his DP.

Honestly, people who couldn't give a bollocks don't do those things.

Could you email his DP instead of calling her? I always prefer the control you can have over what you say then, and that it's less intense than talking to someone directly.

Does she live very far away? Are you able to see your grandchildren at all?

violetsrblue Fri 09-May-14 12:10:38

Thanks, I am taking on board what you're saying.

I guess my dark mood says, I am a narc mum and only want to be in contact with him because I need proof I'm not a bad person, that I have always put myself first over him and still am.

It's how I was brought up and how my family operates.

It's hard to trust myself and I have 'personality disorder traits' and pretty sure I've got PTSD from abuse.

At the same time, I do actually feel love for him, in that I would die for him, want him to be ok, feel pain when he does, etc. I just couldn't protect him when he was a kid, or myself.

It is helping to write this down.

I don't know if I am coming across as weirdly cold but I am pretty medded up now - as in medicated and especially feel that in the mornings. But feel I need the cushion from the shock feelings.

Today my (voluntary work) boss phoned and was kind. Also son's ex phoned and I am going to pop in and see her and the kids when I get the dog. It is a long way away, about 5 hours on the train. I like the idea of email for contact with her.

violetsrblue Fri 09-May-14 12:16:14

I meant weirdly cold today, I am feeling a bit detached from it after having doubled up on meds for 3 days now.
I really appreciate the replies.

OurMiracle1106 Fri 09-May-14 12:22:17

Im really sorry you are going through this. My now ex husband was a alcoholic and cocaine addict (violent with it) and I learnt the hard way that the person you are trying to help has to actually want the help. Otherwise they only ever go back to what they were doing. I took my ex doctors therapist psychiatrists, mental health,support services, moved miles away. He didn't want to stop and no amount of begging or pleading was going to get him to

violetsrblue Fri 09-May-14 15:20:15

Thank you OurMiracle, I really appreciate you replying. I feel caught up in the drama again today, since I posted. I spoke to him and ended calling the police and they're going to check on him. I'm just waiting to hear back from them.

I don't know after that. I think I will go back up there tomorrow. I know it's awful but I don't know what else to do. I'm holding out hope that he will go back into hospital for a few days.

violetsrblue Fri 09-May-14 20:22:17

Ok I am going to calm the hell down a bit and stop dwelling on myself and doubting myself.

I'm going to go back up on Sunday and see if he will come back with me for a while.

I've asked my sister my come up and take my place if I need a break.

I'm not going to go and see his partner on Monday, I need to keep very calm and level headed, and just focus on him.

I have been in contact with him today, and he sounds ok tonight.

I think he gets that he needs to answer the phone. But who knows.

AgentZigzag Fri 09-May-14 22:18:11

That is definitely a more positive post violets (not that there's anything wrong with your other posts!)

Although it's not for the same reasons as you, I know what you mean about not trusting how you read yourself/situations (and other people as well for me). I really struggle with it all and try not to have any contact with anyone else as it's so stressful.

But realistically, most parents (if not all, at some point) try to work out how they're measuring up as a parent, and all you have to go on is what you've experienced yourself and what other people can tell you about their experiences.

The basic things I personally feel go towards making a good parent are a lot of the things you've mentioned feeling about/have done for your DS. But the added complication of MH problems means you have to take those problems into account when you're reckoning up how you're faring as a Mum. If you think that people without MH probs still worry and make mistakes, then you've done/are doing a cracking job with your DS.

You really don't want to go to wherever he is again, but you're going to do it because he's your DS, that speaks volumes smile

violetsrblue Sat 10-May-14 15:31:54

Thanks Agent Zigzag, for your lovely kind and helpful post. It was so strengthening and validating to read. I think you're right about taking what I need from the sister, and about how to take the mh problems into account when I think about myself.

He is answering the phone today, but I suspect that is more because I called the police yesterday when he didn't pick up, and he wants to avoid that.

Feel a bit down about it today, it's just so sad that he's doing this to himself, and his children. Had brief contact with his ex, and that kind of drives it home.

AgentZigzag Sat 10-May-14 19:19:21

Has he had any 'episodes' like this before? If he has, have they burnt out after a certain amount of time? I'm just wondering whether he gets to a point when he's had a blow out where he gradually starts to take stock of what he's been up to before trying to sort things out.

You're very kind saying thank you and that, but I'm really only posting guff what I make of your posts at face value, I don't have any qualifications or experience with alcoholism (as such), so don't feel you have to take on board anything I've said or owt. (which is really me saying I don't want to make your situation any worse because I'm just making up what I'm saying as I go along grin 'official advice' on the subject would be totally different)

violetsrblue Mon 12-May-14 18:43:49

Hee hee! yes I understand what you're saying AgentZigzag, sorry if I got a bit ott there! I went to an alcohol services centre today up here where he is staying and they were pretty helpful.

Completely lost it when I got to the hotel room where he was yesterday, just so shocked at the mess. Threw things around, locked myself in the hotel bathroom and screamed my head off. We both ended up doing a lot of crying, but kind of seperately. Then I cleaned it up. Have at least got my own room for 2 nights.

Not my fnest hour but hey.

Taking valium today and that is really helping me to detach. I can't support him if I'm too emotional.

Going to try harder not to be an an enabler.

violetsrblue Mon 12-May-14 18:45:29

Have also suggested to my sister that she doesn't give him any more money.

AgentZigzag Wed 14-May-14 23:45:01

If you can't have a scream in a hotel bathroom then where can you let it out eh?!

How's your week going?

violetsrblue Thu 15-May-14 16:33:29

Exactly! And they've been so nice to us in that hotel! I'm doing a lot better now because I'm back at home and DS is with me, so I can at least keep an eye on him and be in my own space. It was a bit hairy doing the train journey with him. Feel a bit wired but guess that is shock!

AgentZigzag Thu 15-May-14 23:59:09

That's brilliant smile

I know it's not the answer to Life/Universe/Everything, but it's a start having him where you can get in contact just by looking over at where he's sat!

How's he doing? Do you think he'll stay with you until he can sort his head a bit more?

violetsrblue Fri 16-May-14 17:12:14

It's amazing having him with me. It's so, so much better than it was. He can stay with me as long as he needs to. Went to register him with a GP today. He is still drinking but about half of what he was. The GP is going to refer him on to services. smile

AgentZigzag Fri 16-May-14 20:10:34

Awww smile smile smile

That's really good news, you sound so much happier.

He just needs his mum.

violetsrblue Sun 18-May-14 18:55:56

Yes, I am much happier, but..it's a bit heavy. He is so depressed, and now becoming isolated. I lead a very quiet and solitary life normally, and manage stress that way. Now I feel guilty again, this time that it's too quiet, and I'm worried we're going to bring each other down. I can feel myself disappearing a bit.

violetsrblue Mon 19-May-14 21:42:36

Today is better. I'm getting my head around what's on offer to help with this, and have seen a gp for myself today.

We're getting into a kind of routine and DS does seem a bit more calm.

He is still drinking but is med-compliant with everything he is supposed to be on.

AgentZigzag Tue 20-May-14 00:01:33

It's bound to be a bit strained to start with if you're used to living on your own (with DDog of course).

You want him to be with you so you know he's safe, but at the same time you've kind of got no control over the situation (even if you did drag ask him to come back with you), that's going to be tough on anyone.

What's he like when he's had a few drinks? Hopefully not the kind to kick off at you or anything.

violetsrblue Tue 20-May-14 19:24:01

No, he doesn't kick off at me. He's generally quite chatty and cheerful when he's drunk, and can be quite good company. But also when he's 'rattling' as he calls it, he is very anxious, tearful, gloomy, agitated, and it goes on and on.

Every evening he goes out and drinks. He also has a half bottle of vodka a day in the afternoon (so at least 30 units daily).

It's grim but I don't feel it's as grim as it was, by a long way.

He's gone into a kind of scared/terrified state, maybe PTSD I think.

He's in the system now but it takes about 21 days to be seen.

I really wanted to go to an Al-Anon meeting today but it's in the next town, and he was freaking out about being on his own, so I didn't go.

The whole thing is pretty weird and I don't feel my normal self, I think this is co-dependency territory. But he needed to get out of that hateful situation, and where I live is quiet and calming. I'm holding on to the hope that he will come through it somehow and be able to be around his children again.

AgentZigzag Fri 23-May-14 22:14:08

21 days? That's such a long time to wait, hope he (and you) can hang on in there that long.

How have you been since Tuesday?

I'm the same and like to isolate myself, it's much less stressful, I can just about bare (bear?) DH/DDs grin but having anyone else round, let alone to stay, is impossible.

I'm sure your DS leaning on you now doesn't necessarily mean it'll be a long term thing, maybe the peace and quiet where you live will give him the head space he needs to start thinking where his life is going to go?

violetsrblue Sun 25-May-14 19:26:25

Things are awful today, I just don't want to be here. I've taken vallies and zoppies, just to take the edge off. Can't really sort out what to say as my head feels fuzzy now. Really just want to rest, sleep if I can.

AgentZigzag Mon 26-May-14 23:50:15

Sorry to hear you had a bad day yesterday, hope things have been better today.

Is your DS being there making it more difficult? Even though it makes other parts better because you're not constantly wondering where he is/what he's up to.

violetsrblue Tue 27-May-14 20:21:42

It's been a lot better today. Sunday was awful because I had a stressful meeting with his ex who is staying in the area for a week and then DS disappeared and was in a pub all afternoon and evening. I felt incredibly stressed and full of rage towards him, which came over as coldness. I put some things in place though later, including getting my bedroom back, just watching TV in bed which is how I chill out. Today he went to a AAmeeting. We have a traumatic past and it keeps coming up between us, which is really mentally tiring. I can't believe it takes 3 weeks to be seen, we've just been left and no family have contacted us. On the plus side I've got another DDog to look after now and he's very sweet.

violetsrblue Wed 28-May-14 23:21:02

This is awful. Absolutely fucking awful. I feel like I have lost him his children now because his ex was using me as a go-between and today I just snapped and texted her they must sort out between them (ie him seeing his children). I can't control this situation. It's making me ill, mentally ill. No-one in real life gives the slightest shit about me or him. The whole thing is reminding me of all the abusive situations I've been in in the past.

violetsrblue Wed 28-May-14 23:27:04

I wish to God he had never come back with me because I am going to end up kicking him out. How stupid was I to think I could save him. Maybe I will leave and just give him my flat. I feel so, so abandoned by my so-called caring family. I can't understand why they've abandoned him as well, unless they are despicable weak hypocritical shits.

AgentZigzag Thu 29-May-14 00:36:25

You've done everything you can to give him a fighting chance to get his head round what he's going through, nobody could ask more of you.

It's scary shit to feel as though you're in free fall.

Is there anything you can do to try and avoid the worst case scenario, ie you lose your rag and boot him out or have to go through trying to support him totally on your own.

Is there any chance you could talk to him about moving somewhere near you? So he's not too far but you'd have some breathing space too.

Even though they might seem like they'd be no use, could you ask any of your family to put him up for a bit? Could you just look at asking them as only getting this for your DS rather than any kind of interaction with them (if that'd be too difficult for you at the min).

If something has to give sometimes it's possible to channel which way you'd rather it play out.

flowers

violetsrblue Sat 31-May-14 14:17:48

Thanks for replying ZigZag. Yesterday was better although hectic because he has been going to AA meetings this week. I think that gave me some hope and made me feel less alone. But really he doesn't want to stop and that's the bottom line, so I imagine the desire to go to AA is going to fizzle out.

The absolute worst thing is being woken up in the night when he comes in. Last night it was because the dogs
started barking when they heard him come in. I already take 15 mg of Zopiclone at night plus Trazodone and I ended up taking another 15mg of Zopiclone plus 10 mg of Valium because I was too stressed to go back to sleep.

I can't really see any family member taking him in while he's like this, also his alcoholic cousin would hone rightin on him if he went anywhere near them.

You're right I need totry and channel which way this is going to play out, feels like there's just so much destruction all round at the moment. Weekends are hard because all the medical people are not there (not that they've been any help really).

Not every day is bleak but when the bleak ones are here, it's hard.

violetsrblue Sat 31-May-14 20:17:44

This morning I was mean to the dog, not that mean but I swore at her, my own DDog who I love. DS thought I meant him, I said just get in there, you little shit, and he thought I meant him. I hate this. He is out now but has to be back by 11 pm. I'm drinking now. I hate that I swore at my dog but he thought I meant him.

violetsrblue Sat 07-Jun-14 11:04:31

Thought I would post an update. Things seem to be better, though this process is very up and down. DS is going to AA and has his appt for specialist help next week. I do actually feel proud of him today for the emotional work he's putting in. I'm trying to find better ways of handling stress other than rage or drinking..considering going back to counselling. His DDog is so happy to be here, it's nice to see. Though found out yesterday DDog2 has cataracts in both eyes..he also has a wonky back leg..thinking of him as a bit of a wounded soldier.

AgentZigzag Sat 07-Jun-14 17:35:51

Slowly but surely eh? smile

I can't help but laugh at DDog2 with his wonky leg grin bless him. Sometimes I 'bark' an order something at either our DDog or the DDs and nobody's sure who I'm talking to grin

Your DS sounds as though he's making a real effort, that's so good. Like you say, it's up/down constantly. The hard bit is remembering it'll go back up when you're in a trough.

AgentZigzag Fri 13-Jun-14 23:51:37

How's your week gone chuck? cake wine

violetsrblue Sat 14-Jun-14 22:05:49

Hi Zigzag, it's nice of you to ask, thanks! We've had some hellish days when I have just felt an awful rage and then I just switch off..a couple of times I have got pissed myself when he's gone out.

But also there have been some good days. Him going to AA really helps both of us. He's had some Skype contact wirh his daughter, and I have started to do things like go back to voluntary work. It's really up and down still, but I feel more normal - maybe I'm detaching a bit, in a good way.

The wonky-eyed/legged dog is a good distraction and focus! Though sometimes it feels like we're all in a weird play-for-today type thing.

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