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Just putting it somewhere

(105 Posts)
Jecede Mon 21-Apr-14 23:26:47

Tomorrow I'm going to end my life I've been planning it all week. Everyone has said how much better I'm looking and doing, but the calm is all down to me knowing there's an end point where I don't have to go beyond.
I have a plan and a back up plan in case it goes wrong.
This post is incredibly self indulgent, but no one knows and I suppose I needed to put it down somewhere.
It's pointless saying to contact MH services and so on, as I don't actually want to be stopped and besides, you say anything and they don't take it seriously anyway. You can't really mean it if you're telling them.
I've made sure everything is in order. No one suspects a thing. My head's not clouded with pills and for the first time in a long time, everything is clear and calm. I'm just totally at peace with the whole thing.
I've written very clear notes and instructions to everyone who matters or needs them. While there's no way of making it better, I can make it easier.
There's not really much else to say really, is there. The world is not a bad place, I just don't have the energy to do it anymore.

HugAndRoll Mon 21-Apr-14 23:30:53

Please don't. I was you just over a week ago and some wonderful people on here basically saved my life. I still have a plan and still get those intrusive thoughts, hell I still self harm! But the point is I'm still here.

Do you have family/children/friends? Anyone in RL you can talk to. I know what you mean about mental health services, they're crap at a lot of things but please, put this off for a week at least and consider all your other options. What difference will it make?

tumbletime Mon 21-Apr-14 23:31:16

I have no idea how to help you but please please don't do this. There must be someone you can talk to in RL that can help in some way? what has happened to make you feel this is the best option for you?

MellowMarshmallow Mon 21-Apr-14 23:32:36

I am so sorry you feel this way. You sound like you have felt this way for a long time. Please please talk to someone in real life. Your life is precious and important. There is so much you will contribute to the world and happiness to come for yourself and those you love when you choose to keep on living. You've written notes so there must be people that you know care about you.

CheesyBadger Mon 21-Apr-14 23:33:08

Please don't do this and please keep talking to us.

Jecede Mon 21-Apr-14 23:41:28

You're very kind, but as I said, this is incredibly self indulgent. Attention seeking BS annoys the crap out of me, but here I am doing it.
It's pointless trying to get help. Pointless.
I've never found it that easy to talk about things, have a total lack of sympathy for those around me and can't bear whining, which is why I'm annoying myself so much and why I'm just had enough. I'm bored of being this needy bloody idiot.

HugAndRoll Mon 21-Apr-14 23:46:47

It's not whinging, talk to us, tell us what's going on. It may be cathartic.

MellowMarshmallow Mon 21-Apr-14 23:47:08

Even if you are a needy bloody idiot, we all have times when our physical or mental health lets us down and we cannot be the person we imagine we should be. But you won't feel this way forever. No physical or mental state lasts forever (except death), one day you will feel better, and be less needy, then as you grow stronger you may come to a point where you are able to reach out and help someone else in need.

Don't do this.

FriendlyFeatures Mon 21-Apr-14 23:49:05

That's the problem with mental health difficulties though Jecede, it can seem like you are being self indulgent, youre not though!
Who would you be leaving here? I get from your post that you are no longer taking any meds and that you have a clear plan of how to kill yourself, is that right?

nonameisgoodname Mon 21-Apr-14 23:52:27

I've been where you are. More than once. Would you speak to me on the phone if that would help?

Jecede Mon 21-Apr-14 23:57:14

It is self indulgent though, posting this. What do I hope to achieve? It's a pointless act.

Yes, clear plan and a back up plan. I've researched. The first is the most certain and the second is the second most successful.

I stopped the meds a while ago, but have no idea whether i was ill or ok before and whether the stuff that happened after is withdrawal or not. Everyone thinks I'm taking them again, but I'm not as frankly they're part if the problem not the cure. I can't live on them. I can't breathe in my life.

Jecede Tue 22-Apr-14 00:00:33

You're kind, but I don't want to talk in RL.

I could call Samaritans, I could call a friend, I could call crisis. Hell, I could even wake OH. But talking makes you a liar. I can't do this in RL. I can't put that burden in people and how vile am I for putting it onto the minds of random internet people, it's a horrible thing I'm doing.

nonameisgoodname Tue 22-Apr-14 00:01:26

Have you tried other meds? Different types of therapy? Samaritians? There ARE other ways to deal with what feels like unending pain that aren't as final.

andsmile Tue 22-Apr-14 00:01:58

If you are so clearer since stopping your meds and you were not sure about if you were ill before dont you think you should wait..what if your head is so clear because this is you feeling better how do you know for sure?

FriendlyFeatures Tue 22-Apr-14 00:03:20

Have you ever seen a Psychiatrist Jecede?
What about your family, who will you leave behind?
I have been where you are now n several occassions but have somehow got through, what do you think is stopping you from being rational about this right now>

nonameisgoodname Tue 22-Apr-14 00:04:19

Do you have a safety plan? What does it say for you to so when you feel this way?

Jecede Tue 22-Apr-14 00:06:40

Yes excellent CBT. Excellent. Help with a traumatic event.
Antipsychotics, anti depressants, mood stabilisers, benzos, Zopiclone. I have cupboards bursting with them.
I'm just so very bloody tired with the whole bloody thing.

lilypie13 Tue 22-Apr-14 00:08:48

Please think twice about this , why don't you wake up oh and talk to them about how your feeling ?

Jecede Tue 22-Apr-14 00:09:56

Yes I have a safety plan. I'm meant to call crisis, but there's no point.

What has helped you before when you feel this way?
Can you wake your OH?
What can you do to distract yourself?
What's stopping you from doing it right now?

Nothing
No
Nothing
It's not part of the plan.

Ok, well get duty to call you tomorrow.

FriendlyFeatures Tue 22-Apr-14 00:11:30

I honestly get that you are tired, really I do. I have had years of to being too tired and fighting that constant urge to kill yourself is so very tiring, but come on, you know that having a plan to kill yourself is very worrying, that rational part of you isnt kicking in just now
Do you have children Jecede?

slithytove Tue 22-Apr-14 00:12:01

I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for your family. Any suffering you have will end tomorrow, but at a huge cost - everyone who loves you will suffer for a lifetime.

I suppose you have already considered that, and you are willing to pay that price.

Remember, whatever you are feeling right now is not guaranteed to be forever. The pain your family will go through will.

Again, I'm so sorry.

slithytove Tue 22-Apr-14 00:13:13

May I ask why you are telling us?

andsmile Tue 22-Apr-14 00:14:00

I know how it feels when you want to get away from yourself because you dont know or feel who you are anymore, if that makes sense to you...but listen you can. YOU can rebuild yourself but you have choose it, you are in control of redefineing who you are but you need time

andsmile Tue 22-Apr-14 00:15:13

Smething must have helped before as you are still here

Jecede Tue 22-Apr-14 00:16:07

Why am I telling you? Because I'm selfish. Because despite having everything in order and organised and planned and despite having lived almost two lives for the last week while I prepared and waited for the opportunity, I had to tell someone. It's pathetic isn't it.

stardusty5 Tue 22-Apr-14 00:17:40

You're not pathetic, Jecede.

You can be happy again. You can change what is making you feel so hopeless.

Please don't do this.

andsmile Tue 22-Apr-14 00:18:12

well I think you needing to tell someone says it all.

you have started talking about your life to someone

slithytove Tue 22-Apr-14 00:18:55

It's not pathetic.
Do you have kids? How old are you?

Do you want to share the details of your plans?

I feel like I want to caution you against all the horrible things that could happen, but I suppose you will have thought it all through already.

I am upset for the person who will find you sad

FriendlyFeatures Tue 22-Apr-14 00:20:43

It's not pathetic, it smacks to me as one last gasp attempt to get someone to try and kick you back into some rational thinking!
It affects no one on here, not really but your family, those who love and care for you will live the rest of their lives with all the iffs and butts it will be them suffering not you sweets, youll be six foot under sad

slithytove Tue 22-Apr-14 00:22:08

Do you want anything from us tonight Jecede?

Hand holding, general chat, talking out of it? Anything x

scotswoman Tue 22-Apr-14 00:28:27

Jecede, the only thing I can say to you is that you will leave others in your life feeling as bad as you do now if you follow through on this. Is that what you want for them? If not then please rethink and take some of the other advice on this thread. I hope for you OH, family and friends sakes that you do.

Is not putting them into suffering not enough to think about living for?

Jecede Tue 22-Apr-14 00:29:30

Yes, I understand what can go wrong, which is why I've planned so carefully and why, although easier, the back up plan is only the back up as I'd be more likely to be found by someone who knows me.

I don't know what I want from this. I didn't know what I wanted before I even started writing.

Yes I have family and friends. Good ones. I know this is such a selfish thing to do. It makes me feel worse that even knowing that isn't enough any more. Fucking, fucking bipolar. It just never goes away.

andsmile Tue 22-Apr-14 00:29:48

its ok to talk this through

nonameisgoodname Tue 22-Apr-14 00:32:30

It's been an hour since you wrote this post. Which means you have got through an hour. Can we help you get through the next one?

Jecede Tue 22-Apr-14 00:32:57

I'm going now. I need to at least try to sleep and think about this.
You've been kind, thank you.

slithytove Tue 22-Apr-14 00:33:28

Jecede, the thing is, you being gone will never go away if that makes sense.

You are suffering with bipolar (and I can't imagine so please forgive me if I don't get things right), but so so many people will suffer if you do this.

Please please follow your safety plan. There will always be another day to end your life. That will literally always be an option for you.

Don't make it tomorrow.

nonameisgoodname Tue 22-Apr-14 00:34:00

If it's helpful you can text the samaritians. Their number is on the website. They're brilliant. Sleep well

slithytove Tue 22-Apr-14 00:35:28

I hope you can sleep. I'm going to say a wee prayer for you tonight. My daughter died two years ago and I like to think she looks down on me. I'm going to ask her to look down on you.

If you change your mind, please post tomorrow. I would love to know you had another day.

There is always going to be someone for you to talk to somewhere. And there will always be a chance that as long as you are living, things will get better. Don't take that chance away x

FriendlyFeatures Tue 22-Apr-14 00:35:53

Call someone in the morning, have a good honest talk about your plans, this state of mind is worrying.
Just give life one last try, crisis team, shrink whoever, please for your sake, life can be worth living again honestly, sometimes it just takes a hell of alot for us to realise this.

BagOfBags Tue 22-Apr-14 00:38:58

A good friend of mine killed himself 10 years ago. If I'd have known he was planning it I would have said this.

Please, try to hang on for even if it's just another day. Things can, and do, get better. I know that if my friend were still alive he would be in a better place now.
Please keep talking to us.

andsmile Tue 22-Apr-14 00:39:43

sleep well and think well. I will be thinking of you jecede.

I very much hope to see you post tomorrow.

PricillaQueenOfTheDessert Tue 22-Apr-14 00:40:53

Jecede, please post and tell us you didn't do it. Life sucks, it does, but you can get through it. Don't do this to those who love you, pull back for them please because no matter how bad you feel, they love you.

scotswoman Tue 22-Apr-14 00:46:01

Have you tried lithium? I know it is at the extreme end of treatments but it looks like you are at a place where it's not out of order. I have a family member with biploar who has been on it for about 14 years now and although she still has slight ups and downs now and then she is very much on an even keel the vast majority of the time, tells me she has found enjoyment in many areas of her life and happily takes it as she doesn't seem to suffer the same 'fuzziness' she did on other medication.

PricillaQueenOfTheDessert Tue 22-Apr-14 00:54:37

Jecede, I think you have a baby? I'm guessing from what you have posted that you are bipolar and have a baby? Are you suffering from PND? This doesn't last forever, please don't leave your baby to grow up without you. Focus on your child and his/her future, his/her future will be imesurably better with you in no matter now you feel now, please don't do this - for your baby's future welfare.

slithytove Tue 22-Apr-14 07:56:53

I hope you slept ok Jecede and have woken up with a different outlook. Really hope you post today x

CreAmyEggMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 22-Apr-14 09:22:28

Hi Jecede,

We're so sorry to hear you're feeling like this. There are plenty of people you can get in touch with who might be able to offer some help. Our webguide has a list of these organisations.

We hope things are looking a little brighter this morning thanks.

CheesyBadger Tue 22-Apr-14 09:34:37

Morning Jecede.

andsmile Tue 22-Apr-14 09:35:55

Morning jecede if you are reading this i means you got through the night. Thinking of you. Keep going tiny teeny steps each minute.

Jecede Tue 22-Apr-14 10:03:10

Thank you. I am stil here. I have everything ready.
I either call services or I put stuff in action.
What if I call and they do nothing.
Then it will be worse than if I didn't.
Im thinkking it through.

SatansFurryJamHats Tue 22-Apr-14 10:25:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HugAndRoll Tue 22-Apr-14 10:29:43

Are you still there? Please go to A&E.

andsmile Tue 22-Apr-14 10:59:32

you are doing well to keep going and keeping posting...if you goto to A&E they will have to call a pysch consult to come a assess you.

Has your OH gone to work, are they around?

Just breathe you dont have to do anything else.

nonameisgoodname Tue 22-Apr-14 11:25:30

What makes you feel it will be worse if you call them? Try it. See what happens.

Feelingdownthismorn Tue 22-Apr-14 11:29:36

Ok, if you ring and they do nothing you'll be in the same position you are in now.
Why don't you just ring 999 and see what happens?

Feelingdownthismorn Tue 22-Apr-14 11:31:56

It was amazingly brave of you to post last night, and this morning. Can you find the strength to tell someone in RL what is going on?

Jecede Tue 22-Apr-14 11:34:58

I called.
Why was I calling them.
What has helped before when I felt like this.
What can I do to distract myself.
Can I go and see family.
What can I do for the rest of today.
Can I keep myself safe.

Don't know.
Nothing is working. I've tried.
Nothing.
No.
Don't know.
Don't know.

That was useful wasn't it.
They'll call me back later.
I can talk to my care co tomorrow.
I shouldn't have bothered.
Now I look like an attention seeking idiot.
I give up. I don't even know what I wanted them to do. I don't know why I bother.

This is ridiculous. If I can stop myself then theres no point in A&E and no point in seeing anyone or talking to anyone.

slithytove Tue 22-Apr-14 11:36:35

I'm glad you are still here and thinking about things. Remember, there is no going back on this and there will always be another day to take this step.

It is worth calling them as this doesn't have to change your plans.

I agree with the suggestion to go to a&e.

yegodsandlittlefishes Tue 22-Apr-14 11:37:16

Please choose to live.

OnlyLovers Tue 22-Apr-14 11:39:59

You are not ridiculous, or pathetic, or an idiot, or anything else you've called yourself on here.

You are still here. That is strong of you and very brave of you to keep posting. Please do talk to your care company (is that what you meant by 'care co'?).

You have inner resources. You've proved that by starting and continuing on this thread and by talking to the people you've talked to.

I can't begin to imagine how tiring and difficult everything feels for you and I won't pretend to, but YOU ARE STILL POSTING AND STILL HERE and I think that's magnificent.

slithytove Tue 22-Apr-14 11:40:10

Balls x posted.

You don't seem like you are attention seeking. This seems like you are looking for one final lifeline before you take that irreversible step.

Keep posting until one of us can find you that lifeline. I'm glad you called them, but sorry they were so shit.

I would completely try the Samaritans, and if that doesn't work, then emergency services. Your life is at risk.

What would you say to a friend in this position?

FriendlyFeatures Tue 22-Apr-14 11:40:43

Jecede, did you manage to tell them that you do not feel safe and have plans in place to end your life today?
I so get where you are coming from when it feels that you are attention seeking, you are not you are desperately trying to seek services that will keep you safe.
I know its the last thing you need right now and suicide seems like the only serious option but really you need to tell them just hoew desperately close you are to killing yourself. Could you ring your GP, ask for an appt, or yes go to a and e.

Feelingdownthismorn Tue 22-Apr-14 11:43:21

Please call 999. Be honest with them about how you are feeling and your plans.
They will come and they will take you seriously. They will have dealt with situations like this before and will not judge you. (I know this from personal experience)

Jecede Tue 22-Apr-14 11:45:30

Yes I did friendly. they offered to come and see me today.
I've text a friend. I think i'll ask her to go to a and e with me.

slithytove Tue 22-Apr-14 11:54:28

Jecede, that's wonderful. Please keep us updated as you have so much support here x

Jecede Tue 22-Apr-14 11:58:39

I've called my friend and she's coming to get me. I'll see what happens from there, but I'll be with her whatever.

OnlyLovers Tue 22-Apr-14 12:00:20

I'm so pleased to hear that, Jecede. Do keep coming back here if you need the support.

slithytove Tue 22-Apr-14 12:09:48

Good. I'm so glad you have reached out in RL, I've been thinking about you this morning. You have done the right thing, both in making this thread, that phone call, and telling your friend. A&e is just the next step.

Everything I keep wanting to say sounds really naff in my head, but I'll say it anyway and risk coming across as a complete wet rag.

You are worth saving, you are worth helping, and your life WILL get better. Find the strength to get through this hour by hour, and one day you will look back and be happy you are still here.

If you can, please let us know how a&e is.

Feelingdownthismorn Tue 22-Apr-14 12:31:07

Well done, you are a very strong person to have been able to do that.
Has your friend arrived now? (I'm not expecting an answer if she has)

FriendlyFeatures Tue 22-Apr-14 12:33:28

Hope you get the help that you need and deserve, will be thinking of you!

slithytove Tue 22-Apr-14 16:42:38

Did you go to a&e?

andsmile Tue 22-Apr-14 16:59:15

Im really proud of you. That took a lot of strength. Im so pleased you have contacted a friend.

I got to say I have not been where you are but I have been bad with PND and I know how hard it is to hear yourself say certain things, most private inner fears to another person. That really does take guts.

Tiny steps, its ok to do nothing except breath. Keep going and lean on your friend for support.

If you can try to tell yourself 'it is possible to rebuild me' it can be done.

Take bestest care x

CheesyBadger Tue 22-Apr-14 21:00:44

Well done Jecede, thinking of you

yegodsandlittlefishes Tue 22-Apr-14 21:04:28

Hope you are over the worst and in a&e (or out again and with someone) being looked after, Jecede. Stay with us. Choose to live. Just 'be'.

scotswoman Tue 22-Apr-14 22:32:32

Jecede, you're doing the hardest thing but we all think you're being amazing.

No idea what your music tastes are but give this song a try for me

We the kings

Jecede Tue 22-Apr-14 23:12:01

I was seen in A&E. They took me very seriously and I was assessed under the MH act. The consultant psych was my usual,psych, so we've agreed on crisis care at home and I'll see her tomorrow. We'll see how it goes.

I would still like to die, but I will give this a shot first.

Jecede Tue 22-Apr-14 23:12:17

Thank you for your support. I needed it.

slithytove Tue 22-Apr-14 23:23:47

I'm so glad to hear from you.

You will have heard it all no doubt and be far more experienced in this than me, but you have done the right thing.

Keep taking it day by day hour by hour, and reach out anywhere you need to get support. You have your friend and your psych consult now, and us of course. Is there anyone else you can tell as another life line?

I hope you can have a good sleep tonight and check off another day still here. You seem really strong despite what you are going through.

I hope you have an ok day tomorrow, and if you feel like posting once you have seen your consultant, I'd love to hear from you x

CheesyBadger Tue 22-Apr-14 23:31:07

So lovely to hear from you. Sending love and hope your way

nonameisgoodname Tue 22-Apr-14 23:31:59

Well done. You have been incredibly brave.

BigPawsBrown Tue 22-Apr-14 23:45:05

I'm so proud of you Jecede, and of you mumsnet

andsmile Tue 22-Apr-14 23:50:22

Im glad you have accessed some support and going to give it a shot.

Keep going slowly bit by bit. Its ok to take your time and it will.

take care.

slithytove Tue 22-Apr-14 23:56:09

This is a really lovely side of mn which being relatively new I haven't seen before.

thanks

yegodsandlittlefishes Wed 23-Apr-14 06:47:36

Jecede you are doing really well to post here. Please keep choosing life. Well done.

HugAndRoll Wed 23-Apr-14 09:02:16

I'm so glad you went to A&E. I hope the crisis team are helpful today. Keep posting if it helps, it certainly helps me.

OnlyLovers Wed 23-Apr-14 09:33:12

It's so good to hear from you, Jecede. Keep reaching out, in RL and here. You've got lots of support.

SatansFurryJamHats Wed 23-Apr-14 09:40:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scotswoman Wed 23-Apr-14 14:37:18

You're being really brave and although I don't know you I'm proud of you! It is the harder road but I believe there's something good down it for you.

slithytove Wed 23-Apr-14 17:14:53

How has today been?

scotswoman Wed 23-Apr-14 20:08:21

Just popping back on to let you know I'm thinking of you

scotswoman Thu 24-Apr-14 19:53:00

Still thinking of you today Jecede

yegodsandlittlefishes Fri 25-Apr-14 12:47:14

Thinking of you Jecede. Hoping today is easier.

andsmile Fri 25-Apr-14 14:37:34

Hi jecede how are you?

slithytove Sat 26-Apr-14 21:02:06

Hi Jecede, I hope you are doing as well as you can be. Your silence is just a wee bit worrying, so if you can would you please come back on and let us know how you are doing?

I think there are a few mumsnetters hoping you are coping ok.

Xx

andsmile Sun 27-Apr-14 19:48:55

Came to check bak. Hope you are ok jecede

madeuplovesong44 Sun 27-Apr-14 20:46:36

Thinking of you, hope you are coping x x x

Jecede Tue 29-Apr-14 15:38:12

Hi,
Just wanted to come back and let you know how I am. I'm currently in hospital with psychotic depression. I really appreciate the support you gave the other night. I genuinely didn't realise how ill I was.
I saw my psych the following day and agreed inpatient care was the best way forward in this case as I was a genuine danger to myself when not supervised. It's not easy as psych hospital isn't the greatest of places, but it's the best place for me until I'm well enough to be thinking rationally again.
Apologies for it taking so long to update, but I've had to wait until I was given some leave before I could connect to wifi and update. They also confiscated all my gadgets when I was admitted for my own safety.

Thank you again. You are all good people.

OnlyLovers Tue 29-Apr-14 15:43:02

Oh, it's good to hear from you, Jecede! I'm happy that you're getting good care.

I hope you feel that you can come back whenever you want for support or just to check in. thanks

IrianofWay Tue 29-Apr-14 15:47:39

Hi jecede

Just another voice of support. I can't say I have ever been exactly where you are although I have been very low and had suicidal ideation. I can also understand the need to stop the meds - sometimes taking them masks the real you and it feels so vitally important to look under the mask and see what is really there. Even if what is really there is pretty bleak, it's you and it's real. I understand xx

So glad you are getting help. Hang in there my lovely xx

theywillgrowup Tue 29-Apr-14 16:00:57

thanks for you op,hope your getting all the support you deserve

scotswoman Tue 29-Apr-14 16:21:34

Thanks for coming and back and letting us know how you're getting on, I have been thinking of you and checking back for updates and so relieved to see this one.

I'm so glad you're getting the help you need, it may not be the nicest place but it is a means to an end and I hope you leave there feeling a little lighter.

slithytove Tue 29-Apr-14 16:25:43

I'm glad to hear from you Jecede and glad you have taken this step. I really hope things start improving for you soon x

yegodsandlittlefishes Tue 29-Apr-14 16:34:45

Glad you are in a safe place Jecede, and well done for coming here in the first place, going to get the extra help and coming back here to let us know you are alright. I have been thinking of you every day. flowers

Do continue to be a part of Mumsnet,

FriendlyFeatures Tue 29-Apr-14 17:22:26

so pleased you are safe jecede smile

yegodsandlittlefishes Tue 29-Apr-14 17:44:56

You are a good person too, Jecede!

slithytove Mon 05-May-14 13:23:03

How are you getting on?

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