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(256 Posts)
HugAndRoll Tue 25-Mar-14 21:16:47

Help I am having a mental breakdown. I need help. I've been self harming, have a plan to kill myself but not a timeline. I have a GP appointment on Friday but I don't think I can wait that long. I don't know what to do.

I posted a little while ago under a name change slipperyslopetodestruction but I can't be bothered to change now. I don't care anymore.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Tue 25-Mar-14 21:22:32

Hug i'm so sorry you feel like this. Please contact The Samaritans

I know things feel bleak for you but try to remember this feeling is temporary. Things will be better in the future.

Do you want to talk about how you feel?

hug if you have a plan and have started making preparations you should get yourself to a&e or ring someone irl who can help you stay safe.

The Samaritans are great too, ring them on 08457 90 90 90

as Gunpowder says, these are your thoughts right now. They're not for always, and they're not the true you. Hang in there and keep yourself safe. take care

HugAndRoll Tue 25-Mar-14 22:11:07

I have a helpline number I'm going to ring when my h goes to bed. I'm just staring at the TV until then.

tv is a good plan. Hang in there til you can make that call.

HugAndRoll Wed 26-Mar-14 00:53:55

I've woken up. I know I need to ring the number but I don't have the energy.

Hi Hug. Do you have the energy to chat? I have a suicide plan of my own so I know how it feels. The GP appointment is absolutely the right thing to do - if you can hold out til then they really should be able to help.

HugAndRoll Wed 26-Mar-14 02:16:52

I tried to ring them but was on hold for 15 mins with no answer so I gave up.

I feel like I can't breathe again. I'm lucky I've been texting a RL friend but it's late and I'm sure they want to sleep. I'm downstairs and all I can think about is how close
I am to the kitchen which is where the medicines are. And the knives.

I can fight the suicidal urges for now, it's the cutting urges I'm struggling with more.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Wed 26-Mar-14 07:58:51

How are you feeling today? Do you think you could get an on the day GP appointment for today?

I hope you got some sleep, Hug.

How are you this morning?

Morning hug thinking of you today.

HugAndRoll Wed 26-Mar-14 10:40:14

I'm going to the GP now. I'll post later. Thank you.

Good. Let us know how it goes.

lottieandmia Wed 26-Mar-14 11:12:57

I am sorry you are in a bad place right now. But please believe me when I say that there will come a day when you will feel really different and you must try to hold onto that. I know because I have been there myself. I am glad I got better and now I am happy to be here. Please take take of yourself and keep knocking on doors until you get the help you need xx

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Wed 26-Mar-14 11:55:36

So glad you are going to the GP. That is a brilliant first step. Let us know how it goes if you can.

And there are a LOT of people here who get it, Hug. All ready to listen and share.

HugAndRoll Wed 26-Mar-14 14:24:34

The GP said that they were in two minds regarding hospitalisation. They decided that my children were enough of a deterrent to following through with my plan.

I have an appointment with the crisis team on Monday morning. I've got diazepam to take at night together with my usual anti d's. The problem is I can't see the other side of this. Someone is going to be hurt and it's easier if that's me.

HugAndRoll Wed 26-Mar-14 14:55:19

If I died would my children remember or are they young enough to forget? They're nearly 2 and 6.

Deadswan Wed 26-Mar-14 14:58:17

Can you call the crisis team and tell how do you feel?

HugAndRoll Wed 26-Mar-14 15:02:29

It's my initial appointment with them on Monday. I don't have anyone to call.

This is never going to get better.

buttonortwo Wed 26-Mar-14 15:04:01

You do not want to leave that legacy for your children and you know it. Can you take a diazepam?

They'd remember.

Going to the GP was a really important step and it's great that you have the appointment Monday. I've been on Citalopram for a couple of months now and the thing that's made the biggest difference to me was starting counselling on the NHS last week. Six solo sessions and then I have a place with a support group but I did have to make quite a bit of noise to get that far.
I know how it feels. I do. And talking to people on here has also been a huge help for me. Would you feel comfortable telling us a bit more about you and what's going on?

HugAndRoll Wed 26-Mar-14 16:08:19

link to other thread

This says a lot of what's going on. I know I don't want to do that to my children but I feel like I'm going to be desperately unhappy forever.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Wed 26-Mar-14 17:45:43

Just read your other thread. I'm so sorry things are so hard for you at the moment.

You won't feel like this forever. It might take some time but things will get better.

You don't need to do anything now, can you watch some tv and distract yourself this evening with some TV and then take a diazepam?

We are all thinking of you and wishing you well.

HugAndRoll Wed 26-Mar-14 17:51:34

Thank you. I'm half watching a film, it's nearly over though. I've been in bed all afternoon as I can't face the world.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Wed 26-Mar-14 18:49:15

Have you eaten anything? Can you have a cup of tea and nibble on something?

HugAndRoll Wed 26-Mar-14 18:52:31

I had dominoes cookies and felt sick. I've not been eating well if I'm honest. Those cookies, a cereal bar, a banana and two bites of sausage Monday-Today. Every time I eat I have strong urges to throw it back up. I'm overweight though (11.13 and 5 foot 7) so it doesn't matter.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Wed 26-Mar-14 20:47:35

That's hardly any food! Could you have something quick and easy like beans /scrambled egg on toast?

Just cookies on an empty stomach will give you a big sugar crash and make you feel worse.

Your weight puts you in the healthy range for bmi so please don't starve yourself. If you want to lose a little bit of weight you can but you need to look after your mental/emotional weight first. That's most important.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Wed 26-Mar-14 20:48:40

*health not weight

HugAndRoll Wed 26-Mar-14 23:10:44

I can't face eating. I will say this on Monday.

I saw a friend for a couple of hours which was good. I can already feel my mood crashing again though.

I'm sorry things are so tough at the moment. Being told you're fat really can't help with the eating but as Gunpowder says, you're a healthy weight.

Do you think you could manage soup?

HugAndRoll Thu 27-Mar-14 16:49:11

I've had a couple of bites of Easter egg and a digestive biscuit. I know it's not healthy but it's better than nothing.

I'm not a soup fan at the best of times so I think it would make me feel sick.

I'm just counting down to Monday.

Hi hug that's great that you met up with a friend for a couple of hours - good for you. Take it easy now - I found when I was really poorly that socialising was exhausting.

Tea and toast have any appeal. Like you're doing, little snacks is fine - and fruit or peanuts or cheese or whatever you can face eating, will all help as it will keep your blood sugars up....

take care

HugAndRoll Thu 27-Mar-14 19:21:35

It is exhausting. I'm hoping to just watch a film tonight when both children are in bed.

Sounds like a good plan. I am on sofa with tv!

HugAndRoll Thu 27-Mar-14 21:12:21

I'm watching American Psycho. I've also eaten some toast and chocolate buttons. All in all a positive evening. I'm still low but haven't self harmed today which is a really great step in the right direction.

It's a fantastic step. Good on you, Hug.

HugAndRoll Fri 28-Mar-14 03:02:14

Things are always most bleak during these hours.

Hi Hug. Talk to me. How was American Psycho?

HugAndRoll Fri 28-Mar-14 12:22:52

Sorry, I ended up messaging a friend. American Psycho was good thank you.

HugAndRoll Sat 29-Mar-14 11:00:23

I think I know what I need to do. I'm never going to be truly happy living like this. I have no idea how to do it, I know I'm going to be the evil person and there will be lots of upset and anger.

Do I forsake my happiness for someone else's?

Can you just wait until Monday? It's not very long. Just see if the GP can help you.

HugAndRoll Sat 29-Mar-14 12:17:57

Sorry, I meant end my marriage, although ending my life is what will eventually happen if I don't manage to free myself.

I don't know how. I'm not financially secure, I'm going to break his heart if I do. I just don't know what to do.

Oops sorry.

Absolutely end your marriage. He's not supporting you, he's not caring for you.

HugAndRoll Sat 29-Mar-14 12:25:49

He's been so much better this week but I just feel it's too little too late.

How do I do it?

HugAndRoll Sat 29-Mar-14 19:48:15

I ended up having to talk to Samaritans today and I also self harmed again.

Monday can't come soon enough. H has been more supportive this week. Maybe our chat has helped. Time will tell, obviously I hope so.

I have been tempted to ask to be hospitalised but that's not what's best for my children. I am relying heavily on friends at the moment though and realise I am at risk of becoming a burden to them.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sat 29-Mar-14 20:29:56

Well done for calling Samaritans Hug. It is not long until Monday. We are all rooting for you. flowers

HugAndRoll Sat 29-Mar-14 20:45:11

Thank you. It helps to know I can write on here.

It helps a lot of us knowing we can write on here. And yes, good on you for calling the Samaritans.

HugAndRoll Sun 30-Mar-14 00:31:16

Why are the nights so hard?

Because being tired lowers your defences? And because there's so much less distraction when it's quiet and dark.

HugAndRoll Sun 30-Mar-14 00:55:25

It doesn't help that I have horrendous insomnia. I'm too alone with my thoughts at night.

Sorry, Hug, I fell asleep. Maybe that's something else the GP can help with.

yegodsandlittlefishes Sun 30-Mar-14 08:36:10

Not eating much of the right foods can have a number of effects, including feeling fat and not wanting to eat much, low energy, insomnia, depression, etc. I've experienced this myself and it is amazing what a difference it can make to be getting the full range of vitamins and minerals and foods that you need.

It might be a good idea to take a multivitamin. If you're looking at a separation from your husband, you'll need the energy. There are some good courses on wellbeing etc which you might be able to access in your area. Also counselling, to talk it through with someone one to one.

Separation and divorce is far better than suicide, yes. Getting well might be enough for you to see things differently and give you the strength you need to live a fuller life and get the help you need to make life better.

HugAndRoll Sun 30-Mar-14 09:19:28

Guess who is getting a Mother's Day lie in. Clue - not me.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sun 30-Mar-14 15:48:22

I'm so sorry you didn't get a mothers' day lie in and you feel alone at night. That's a horrible feeling. sad

If I can't sleep I think about all the other people who might be awake (mums feeding babies, people on shift work, postmen etc.) and if makes me feel less alone. I also try and visualise every detail of my ideal house/job/wardrobe etc. bit shallow but it cheers me up and I fall asleep.

I hope tomorrow is helpful and things become more peaceful for you soon.

HugAndRoll Sun 30-Mar-14 15:54:12

Thank you. I'm feeling very disconnected from the world today, like I'm not really here. If only that were true.

HugAndRoll Sun 30-Mar-14 18:23:04

I've been thinking about writing a note. To say sorry I can never be what everyone needs. To apologise for being so selfish. To say goodbye.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sun 30-Mar-14 19:46:31

Hug please call Samaritans again.

No one can ever be everything everyone wants them to be, it is impossible. We just have to be ourselves.

I am sure your DC would rather have any version of you they could than not have you at all. Maybe they are too little to tell you how much they love and appreciate you but they will one day.

Can you put a film on to distract yourself? Or play a silly phone game like candy crush?

HugAndRoll Sun 30-Mar-14 20:00:51

I can't because I don't feel I can talk around h. Everything just seems so pointless, I feel worthless. I have become an emotional vampire, I only have one person I want to talk to and I can't be a burden to them anymore.

My children deserve more than me, everyone does.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sun 30-Mar-14 20:06:10

I think some people email them, if that's something you feel you could do?

I'm so sorry you feel worthless and that you don't have anyone you can talk to. It sounds horrible. sad

You are not worthless, you are ill. It probably doesn't feel like it but you can get better. Things will be better.

I know it's not the same but you can talk to us.

PolterGoose Sun 30-Mar-14 20:10:13

Hug this came up in active convo's and I had no idea you were struggling so bad sad just want to send you lots of SN board strength and honks and to ask you to hold on tight until your appointment tomorrow, thinking of you flowers

HugAndRoll Sun 30-Mar-14 20:19:41

Thank you for your support, although I don't deserve it.

PolterGoose Sun 30-Mar-14 20:26:05

Of course you do, and even if you think you don't deserve it you need it. I'm so very sorry for you but I know you can get past this horror.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Mon 31-Mar-14 22:44:52

How was your appointment Hug?

126sticks Mon 31-Mar-14 22:54:19

How are you Hug? [I was briefly on your other thread].
Also, are you the poster that has a close male friend that sometimes is able to listen to you?

You are in a bad place right now, and everything, and I mean everything will seem worse.

I am of the opinion that you need more people to talk to. Especailly as your husband and mother are not able to at present.

HugAndRoll Mon 31-Mar-14 23:37:53

Hi all. Thank you for your support. The appointment was ok, although I didn't get to talk as much as I thought.

I do have a close friend I can talk to but don't want to take the piss.

It's been suggested I go on an ACT course and a self esteem course. If they don't help they're going to mess around with my meds.

H has been trying really hard this week, I need to give him kudos for that.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Tue 01-Apr-14 12:07:57

I'm so pleased your DH is being more supportive and that the crisis team were (a bit) helpful.

Saw this article in today's independent about sleeping and thought of you.

HugAndRoll Tue 01-Apr-14 13:35:32

That's really interesting. I'm having another down day as I'm alone with ds2, I seem to need people around me at the moment.

126sticks Tue 01-Apr-14 17:07:34

I think we can all have too much time alone. I am of the opinion that it doesnt do many people much good.

126sticks Tue 01-Apr-14 17:09:02

To the extent that, I dont intend to live alone if I can help it. Intend to rent with someone, or have a lodger.

HugAndRoll Tue 01-Apr-14 18:20:14

I feel really down again. I hate being in my house, it doesn't feel like home anymore. I don't know why, I can't shed this pit of fear in my stomach, like if I drop my guard everything will revert back to how it was and I will be trapped again.

126sticks Tue 01-Apr-14 18:26:11

I dont think that it is healthy for you to spend hours alone without company.

Have you someone you can stay with for a day or two?

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Tue 01-Apr-14 18:41:11

Oh no! Why doesn't the house feel like home? Is there any thing that would make it feel more homely?

PolterGoose Tue 01-Apr-14 20:30:44

Oh Hug sweetheart, I wish I had words of wisdom for you, what's worked in the past? Is there anything you're looking forward to or would like to achieve?

HugAndRoll Tue 01-Apr-14 23:36:06

I'm seeing a friend tomorrow but she has no idea what's going on.

There are lots of reasons the house doesn't feel like home but I'm so messed up I have no idea which are proper reasons and which aren't. I will explain everything in detail tomorrow when it's not so late.

HugAndRoll Wed 02-Apr-14 00:40:16

My mind and heart feel damaged beyond repair. The only real life person who truly understands clearly (and very understandably) needs a night or so off from my contact. I'm finding myself more and more reliant on them to get me through the day which is completely unfair.

Everyone's lives would be so much easier if I just disappeared. I'm actually wishing I didn't have children so I could. As it is I will have to be miserable for the rest of my life so that I don't hurt anyone. It's killing me.

126sticks Wed 02-Apr-14 08:35:33

Part of the reason I personally did not mention your marriage, is because you seem very mixed up. And like you say, it is hard to then work out which things are causing you real pain, and which seem difficult right now but just seem like that because of your illness.

That was one of the reasons for me suggesting you have a few days away. It helps people to sort out the wood from the trees.

And a break, both physical and mental is beneficial.

HugAndRoll Wed 02-Apr-14 12:28:14

I wouldn't be allowed to do that though, or at least I'm too afraid to ask. I just can't go on feeling like this.

HugAndRoll Wed 02-Apr-14 12:55:47

I'm going to try and speak to my mum. She's a busy lady so doesn't have much time but I need to speak to her.

HugAndRoll Wed 02-Apr-14 13:07:25

I'm seriously thinking about who I can ring to have ds2 and pick ds1 up from school so I can take an overdose.

I have 35 fluoxetine tablets, 2 diazepam, 24 paracetamol, 7 ibuprofen with codeine, 18 600mg ibuprofen and 18 sleeping tablets. Would that be enough?

fluffyanimal Wed 02-Apr-14 13:14:31

Hug, please call the Samaritans. You are not alone. Your DC need you.

HugAndRoll Wed 02-Apr-14 13:21:58

I've cut myself but asked a friend to come over. I also text my dsis who gave me a bit of tough love. I just see it as my only way out.

PolterGoose Wed 02-Apr-14 13:22:56

Hug please ring the Samaritans:

08457 90 90 90


fluffyanimal Wed 02-Apr-14 13:26:19

It's not your only way out, it is just your depression making you feel that it is. Glad you have someone coming over.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Wed 02-Apr-14 14:55:33

Fluffy is right. It is not the only way out. Can you call your crisis team? Maybe your friend or DSis could call them for you.

I am wishing you strength to get through this. flowers

HugAndRoll Wed 02-Apr-14 16:14:33

I'm seeing my mum tomorrow morning. I don't have a crisis team. I went to the crisis team who told me to go on some courses and if they don't help to go back to my GP.

My friend kept me company until we had to pick the older children up from school. Ds1 has a friend over now, the noise is nice.

What hasn't helped today is ds1's teacher telling me about the frankly ridiculous new IEP targets she's putting in place. Polter I'm going to dip my toe into the G&C because I can't think straight but they seem pretty crap.

PolterGoose Wed 02-Apr-14 16:30:36


AndIFeedEmGunpowder Wed 02-Apr-14 17:43:11

Have you got a start date for your courses? You can beat this hug, we believe in you.

HugAndRoll Wed 02-Apr-14 18:27:55

Next Wednesday it starts. It can't come soon enough!

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Wed 02-Apr-14 19:04:05

I bet! Less than one week. You can do it. smile

HugAndRoll Wed 02-Apr-14 19:09:01

Thank you. H offered to move out for a couple of days to give me some space. I said I don't know.

fluffyanimal Thu 03-Apr-14 11:51:39

How are you feeling today Hug?

KateSMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 03-Apr-14 16:18:53

Hi there HugAndRoll

We're so sorry to hear your feeling this way. We'd like to echo the kind folks on this thread and suggest you find some help in real life, you might find some useful links in our mental health webguide.

Wishing you the very best flowers

HugAndRoll Thu 03-Apr-14 22:52:25

Thank you.

He's gone to his mum's for now. We don't know what the future holds. I confronted my mum about the abuse in my childhood today which was rather cathartic. I just feel drained.

126sticks Thu 03-Apr-14 22:55:02

Not wonder you feel drained.

Lots of things happening.


HugAndRoll Thu 03-Apr-14 23:08:23

Lots indeed. I'm lying in bed now but doubt I'll get much sleep.

Hi Hug.

Confronting your mother must have taken guts - good for you. I'm glad it was cathartic.

Did you sleep?

PolterGoose Fri 04-Apr-14 09:23:19

Hug you are one very courageous woman, how are you today? How are the boys coping with dad away?

Sending honks and (((hugs)))

HugAndRoll Fri 04-Apr-14 10:50:16

polter he works away sometimes anyway so ds1 thinks that's where he is.

I think I've managed to fuck up my one truly close friendship by saying something stupid. I feel very alone today.

PolterGoose Fri 04-Apr-14 10:52:29

Contact your friend, text if its easier, apologise, a good friend will see it as in the context of your current turmoil. We are here.

HugAndRoll Fri 04-Apr-14 12:51:11

He's not answered any of my messages.

Life seems so pointless and worthless again.

HugAndRoll Fri 04-Apr-14 13:17:53

I've written a note on my phone to say sorry and goodbye. I have exhausted all of my options, the only one left is to die. None of the people I can speak to are responding to my written messages, there's no point in phoning.

The problem is ds2 is in his cot, ds1 is in school so I need someone to have them for me. They don't need me in their lives, I'm such a complete fuck up that no one does.

PolterGoose Fri 04-Apr-14 13:22:45

Hug please don't, I'm here, keep writing.

RaRaTheNoisyLion Fri 04-Apr-14 13:22:49

I'm responding Hug

RaRaTheNoisyLion Fri 04-Apr-14 13:25:34

You're in pain. There is life without pain. Finding it will be the most challenging thing you have ever had to do but you MUST do it, and everything you have done so far is testament to your ability to do it.

Your head isn't allowing you to see this and is triggering self-destructive thoughts but it isn't the truth and it isn't real.

RaRaTheNoisyLion Fri 04-Apr-14 13:26:40

'My children deserve more than me, everyone does.'

And who exactly would that be Hug?

HugAndRoll Fri 04-Apr-14 13:28:06

Anyone that isn't a complete fuck up. I feel so alone. The one person who promised would be there for me through this won't answer his phone or reply to any of my messages.

PolterGoose Fri 04-Apr-14 13:28:39

Hug I'm still here.

Have you changes med's recently?

PolterGoose Fri 04-Apr-14 13:28:59

changed med's

RaRaTheNoisyLion Fri 04-Apr-14 13:29:56

'Anyone that isn't a complete fuck up'

So who? Who is that person?

Because you can't just abandon your kids to no-one.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Fri 04-Apr-14 13:31:35

I'm so sorry things feel so desolate. We are all willing you to get better and for things to inprove for you Hug. Please contact someone in real life. Samaritans?

You start your course on Wednesday. That's just 5 days away. You can do it.

zzzzz Fri 04-Apr-14 13:32:05

Flapping along with you hug. There are new friends to make. I'd miss your posts, yours is a lice I am just beginning to know and like. blush. Walk in to A and E, phone an ambulance, phone your GP, or the Samaritans, please talk to a real person in real life. A new person just for this awful bit of your life. Look at the people who have answered your post. So many people you've connected with just on the Internet.

HugAndRoll Fri 04-Apr-14 13:34:33

I know but I need someone in real life. I need my friend.

The boys have their dad and their dad's family. They would never want for anything.

HugAndRoll Fri 04-Apr-14 13:35:20

I was doing that course with my friend. Without his help I won't get through it.

RaRaTheNoisyLion Fri 04-Apr-14 13:39:24

Your friend has let you down?

It must be hard to have someone so reliant on them.

Your kids are reliant on you. Now you know how it feels so don't give up on them and let them down.

RaRaTheNoisyLion Fri 04-Apr-14 13:40:14

If you can't fully engage with life then don't. Just go through the motions, one step at a time until you can get better and get help.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Fri 04-Apr-14 13:41:32

This feeling is not forever. It is temporary. It is fixable. A horrendously difficult but tiny bit of your life.

Like zzzzz has said, so many people have connected with you and all thinl the same thing. We can't all be wrong.

SummerRain Fri 04-Apr-14 13:48:55

Hug, I've been where you are. The dark thoughts and emptiness. I've contemplated ending it as everything was just too dark, recently enough that I am still pulling my self out of that despairing mindframe.

It doesn't last, your life might not change significantly but your mental state will and you'll climb back out of this hole.

Who would protect and guide your children without you? Your husband, you've posted about him before and he doesn't sound like he'd give them the support they'd need, if he can't grasp keeping a computer safe from a sn child how will he keep that child safe from the world? Your mother, who allowed you to be abused and won't support you now... How will she raise two sn kids?

You are their only advocate, their only defense against the world. Their defender from those who don't understand.

If you won't stay alive for yourself, then do it for them flowers

We're all here for you, and your friend will be too soon... He's struggling too and may just not be able to cope with supporting you right now. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, just give him time and let him know you'll be there when he needs you just like he has been for you.

Decide what to do about your marriage once you're clear of this low, decisions made when your mental health is so bad are dangerous. Just survive for now, then change things for the better.

HugAndRoll Fri 04-Apr-14 13:53:42

I know you're all right. I just can't pull myself out of this dispair.

PolterGoose Fri 04-Apr-14 13:54:51

One day at a time Hug

hazeyjane Fri 04-Apr-14 13:56:04

Oh Hug

Call Samaritans now 08457 909090. Just keep talking.

I spent a whole evening on the phone to a samaritan once, I wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for that person keeping me on the phone.

I have suicide and self harm in my family, it is painful and I nearly lost a person who is one of the most important in my life. The person she is now is transformed from the person she was then, and I and everyone who knows her is so lucky not to have lost her.

You can't let your family lose you. You can't lose you, there will be a huge Hug shaped hole in the world. Please, please get help, you deserve to be healed and to be ok.

PolterGoose Fri 04-Apr-14 13:59:34

hazey flowers

My sister wouldn't be here if it weren't for the Samaritans either, she's now a mental health professional.

HugAndRoll Fri 04-Apr-14 14:04:14

My mum said that some of what I remember from my childhood could be imaginary. I remember every little detail. I was told that I was a difficult child which is why the abuse happened. That no one would put up with me other than H so in essence I'm stupid for not being happy in that relationship.

It was my fault I was thrown down the stairs, made to eat my own vomit, made to pee myself instead of being allowed to use the toilet. There is more but you get the point.

PolterGoose Fri 04-Apr-14 14:12:39

It wasn't your fault. It's much easier for your mum to blame you because then she doesn't need to feel responsible. But, it's happened, you know it happened, you can't change it now, but you are in charge of the present and the future. It might not feel like it right now, but you do have a future, not just as a mum, important as that is, but you can find things you enjoy for yourself, find a way to live the life you want to live. We will help you.

Latraviata Fri 04-Apr-14 14:16:26

Your friend is not reliant on you nor you on him-thats your illness talking. Your children are and always will be reliant on you whether or not you kill yourself. People on here are not qualified to help you properly-phone the samaritans or your gp please.

MarvellousMabel Fri 04-Apr-14 14:18:52

I just want to post and say please don't leave your children without a mother.

Just hold on.

Each day might feel like a year, but each moment you hold on is worth it to your children.

I really hope you get the help you need. I can't imagine how much pain you're in xx

HugAndRoll Fri 04-Apr-14 14:21:10

I will be going out in a bit to do the school run as I need to pick something up from the doctor for H as he doesn't drive and he's at his mum's.

homework Fri 04-Apr-14 14:26:27

Hugs , what happened to you as a child wasn't your fault you have no control over the adults within your life back then . You sound like your suffering from a bit of PTSD , my son relate this to some of the experiences he's gone though from the hands of bully's and I'm in process of finding him a counsellor.
You need a counsellor to help you sort though what's happened to you .

Your children's lives will be duller without you in it . No matter how low you been feeling you still managed to get yourself up each morning , feed those two precious boys of yours get them dressed and even managed most days to get the older one into school when he's not wanted to go . That is a remarkable achievement , when your feeling so down .

I know parents who don't even do this cause they can't be bothered .

You will get though this but you need help to get yourself there and the first step you made is by letting people know , your next step is to see your gp , a good supportive one , get some counselling arranged , see if there any charities that can help with this . Will look up stuff once get back .
Remember people care we all do , your boys do , I'm sure even though your going though a sticky patch in your relationship , your husband still cares about you.

moosemama Fri 04-Apr-14 14:30:38

Hug, I am late to the thread, but wanted to come and add my support. All of us in the G&C would miss you, you have people in rl that would be devastated and most importantly, your dcs need and love you. You are worth everything to them and I know that isn't what you want to hear right now, but it's true.

Take it from someone who knows. Leaving them would end up with them feeling the same pain you are in now, feeling like it was their fault, that they could have/should have saved you somehow if only they'd been better children. Just as what happened to you was not your fault, we know that it wouldn't be theirs', but just as you find that hard to believe and keep hold of - so would they.

It sounds like we come from similar childhoods and I have been very close to where you are now. I have wished I didn't have children so that I could just let go, because I knew deep down that I could never condemn them to a life of self-blame and unanswered questions.

If you can get someone to have your dc, do it - but head straight to A&E and tell them you need help immediately. Hospitalisation for a short while now may be difficult, but in the long term would be beneficial to both you and them and give you a pathway to a future.

I know you can't see that future at the moment, but it is there, you just need to take steps in the right direction and try to trust. (I do understand how hard this is.)

If you have to wait for someone to come and take care of your dcs, call the Samaritans and stay on the line until you can get to A&E you need solid, rl help and you need it now.

... and keep posting, we are all here for you and not knowing you in rl doesn't change how much we genuinely care about you.

HugAndRoll Fri 04-Apr-14 14:30:58

I know I need counselling. I'm not entitled to NHS sessions but I have a number to ring.

RaRaTheNoisyLion Fri 04-Apr-14 14:31:08

'I was told that I was a difficult child which is why the abuse happened. That no one would put up with me other than H so in essence I'm stupid for not being happy in that relationship'

Which is why you are such a perfect advocate for your children now, who by typical standards might be seen as 'difficult'. You know they are not. You know that they deserve a life free from abuse and kindness. You know because you have experienced first hand the alternative.

The abuse you suffered is continuing. To call you stupid or insist you are not good enough to be in a happy relationship IS abusive and when it comes from someone you were dependent on in your early years, who was supposed to safeguard your mental wellbeing but instead destroyed it well then quite honestly that you have come this far is a miracle.

What that all says to me is 'Step aside world, this gal when healed is a force to be reckoned with and an honour to know!'

But you have to hold on long enough to be able to find appropriate and suitable help.

HugAndRoll Fri 04-Apr-14 14:35:03

Thank you. I will ring them when the boys are in bed. I have to sort them first. I've been assessed for hospitalisation twice this week and I'm not bad enough.

RaRaTheNoisyLion Fri 04-Apr-14 14:36:26

Okay. So you see yourself as not even worth attention from the services.

Their assessments are bollox. just so you know.

PolterGoose Fri 04-Apr-14 14:37:07

Can you leave the boys at MILs for a couple of hours so you can ring Samaritans or crisis/emergency duty team?

HugAndRoll Fri 04-Apr-14 14:38:07

Thank you RaRa.

I need to drag myself off the sofa and get out now. I truly do appreciate you all talking to me. thanks

moosemama Fri 04-Apr-14 14:39:50

Why are you not entitled to NHS counselling? Your GP should be putting you in contact with your community mental health services.

this link from the MIND website might help you get access to services and includes links to patient organisations that might be able to help.

ouryve Fri 04-Apr-14 15:05:04

The boys want their mum, hug. You might not be too keen on you, at the moment, but you are their world and they adore you x

As for your friend, it's probably as simple as a phone battery gone flat. If not, I can recall plenty of times when texts and emails haven't got through to DH, for a variety of reasons. Technology can be a bit crap, sometimes.

HugAndRoll Fri 04-Apr-14 15:11:29

Moose - I've already had sessions within 12 months. You can't have more than that.

I've seen the crisis team this week and they seem to think I'm not too bad. My life just feels like one big mess, my boys are the only good things it seems.

ouryve Fri 04-Apr-14 15:14:32

If you are feeling like this, then you are feeling too bad.

RaRaTheNoisyLion Fri 04-Apr-14 15:17:20

Well you DESERVE to see them grow into men, and they DESERVE to have you proud of how they turn out.

What if your emotionally manipulative mother told them that you'd killed yourself because of them?

Don't put any of them in that potential situation.

moosemama Fri 04-Apr-14 15:50:55

Hug, if you are in danger of going ahead with your plans then you are in crisis and they have a duty of care towards you. If GP and community won't help please go to A&E and tell them how desperate you are. You deserve so much better than this.

youarewinning Fri 04-Apr-14 15:58:48

Hi hug - sorry I've only just come here I've been at work.

You are worth it - worth all the support you need. Your boys love you and we value all your insights in the G&C. We can see it and when you get to the other side of this dark tunnel you'll see it too.

Ring an ambulance, crisis team - anyone who can help you.

If your feeling suicidal you are feeling bad enough.

MariaNearlyEaster Fri 04-Apr-14 17:19:26

Hug, hiya. The geese are RL friends. Check your pm

HugAndRoll Fri 04-Apr-14 19:45:41

Thank you all and thank you Maria.

I have calmed down since picking ds1 up from school, we've had a nice evening so far and a friend is coming with pizza later.

I promise that if I get that low again I will ring Samaritans. There's a part of me that knows I won't go ahead because I love my children too much, it's just when I'm in crisis it's very hard to see the wood for the trees.

PolterGoose Fri 04-Apr-14 19:59:28


hazeyjane Fri 04-Apr-14 20:21:21

Pizza and friend good. smile

50KnockingonabiT Fri 04-Apr-14 20:31:34

Hug, I've just found this thread.

I am sending you virtual hugs and tears are sliding down my cheeks. So much of what you have written I could have written myself. These feeling do pass, believe me, even when you can't possibly believe this for one moment.

The one thing that kept me on this earth was my children, and to this day they keep me going, even now they are officially adults themselves. They'll always be my babiessmile Some days it was the fact that I didn't trust their father to look after them that kept me going!

The samaritans offer amazing support in the moment, please use them anytime day or night, they are there for that very thing.

I hope your pizza is delicious and your friend lifts your spirits. I only have one real friend, and she has seen me through many a dark night.

Lots of love, hugs and hand holding coming your way. XX

MariaNearlyEaster Fri 04-Apr-14 22:09:18

brew to follow the pizza

PolterGoose Fri 04-Apr-14 22:14:18

cake to go with brew

Hope you get some sleep

fluffyanimal Fri 04-Apr-14 22:40:39

Just popping by to send you a hug, Hug smile

HugAndRoll Fri 04-Apr-14 23:09:22

Thank you all. Food was good as was the accompanying Diserono she brought. I'm now in bed and will try and get some sleep.

I truly appreciate each and every comment on my thread. You have no idea how much they help. Xx

moosemama Fri 04-Apr-14 23:51:21

Was just popping in to check on you before I head off to bed.

Glad to hear you had a good evening and hope you manage to get some sleep.

homework Sat 05-Apr-14 00:29:08

Hugs , glad you had some nice food and had a nice night . One step at a time , and we all here to help .
Even though I've never meet any of these people in real life , you can tell from the compassion that is being offered , that even though we all from different backgrounds , we all want you to be happy .

HugAndRoll Sat 05-Apr-14 10:39:56

It took a long time for me to get to sleep but when I was it was fairly good quality.

I'm trying to decide what to do with the boys today. I want to try and get out, even if it's just for a couple of hours but the weather is a bit grim and ds1 objects to being wet.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sat 05-Apr-14 16:50:51

I'm so glad you had a bit of sleep. Hope you are having a good day today.

PolterGoose Sat 05-Apr-14 17:22:58

So glad you got some decent sleep, hope you managed to get out and had good weather smile

HugAndRoll Sat 05-Apr-14 19:46:44

The weather wasn't great but I took my boys to a really lovely special needs play scheme so we had a good day.

Today wasn't really any different to usual Saturdays as I would have the boys on my own anyway. I didn't have much time to think about life etc which was good.

PolterGoose Sat 05-Apr-14 19:57:46


fluffyanimal Sat 05-Apr-14 20:28:46

Good for you Hug flowers

moosemama Sat 05-Apr-14 20:28:48

Glad you had a good day Hug.

Keeping busy is good and you are amazing for making yourself get up and out with the boys.

HugAndRoll Sat 05-Apr-14 22:02:26

I'm a bit lonely tonight. I suppose I need to get used to it. I oddly feel calmer than I have for a long time though, maybe I need to have a rota of friends to come over and keep me company. It's stupid because even when H was here we were always in different rooms but there was still noise whereas, other than the TV, there's now silence.

PolterGoose Sat 05-Apr-14 22:11:07

I'm glad you feel calmer, and for the noise, perhaps switch a fan on somewhere or a radio low in another room, or put some washing or the dryer on, it makes a difference weirdly smile

HugAndRoll Sat 05-Apr-14 22:13:29

They are good suggestions, thank you Polter.

PolterGoose Sat 05-Apr-14 22:16:49

Oh good, I know we've discussed sensory issues before, have you thought about trying some sensory techniques on yourself?

HugAndRoll Sat 05-Apr-14 22:29:23

No I haven't. I definitely have sensory issues though, it may be worth looking into getting something done about them.

HugAndRoll Sun 06-Apr-14 11:40:41

H was going to come to two pre-planned events with me and the boys today but has cancelled. I understand why (he's very down and upset) but I can't help a little knot of anger at the fact the children have been let down. It's unfair of me to think like that but I can't help it.

hazeyjane Sun 06-Apr-14 11:48:33

Hug, just checking in to say hello, and see how things are going.

Glad you had a good day yesterday.

I have tv or radio on all the time, otherwise I feel all scritchy. Dh has got used to the fact that I can't go to sleep without radio 4 on.

It isn't unfair to feel angry, angry is fair enough.

PolterGoose Sun 06-Apr-14 11:57:36

Not unfair at all, H is being an arse, he should put the boys first, it's easy for him, all responsibility-free at his mum's hmm

Are you still doing the events? Hope so, have fun smile

HugAndRoll Sun 06-Apr-14 18:19:48

I did the events and they were good. H has come over, he will put the boys to bed tonight so I do feel guilty for being cross earlier.

My stomach is in knots and I can't relax though. I just feel so guilty for him being upset.

PolterGoose Sun 06-Apr-14 18:41:42

Please don't feel guilty, is he saying stuff to encourage you to feel like that?

Glad today was good, tomorrow is a new day.

HugAndRoll Sun 06-Apr-14 19:03:21

I have no idea. He won't talk to me about it until the boys are in bed which is fair enough. I'm very nervous though.

youarewinning Sun 06-Apr-14 22:05:16

Hey hug.mglad you've had a good weekend. Sorry for my absence I had a migraine last night so have been pretty useless today.

fluffyanimal Sun 06-Apr-14 22:14:10

Thinking of you Hug smile

HugAndRoll Sun 06-Apr-14 22:30:46

He said some things, I felt guilty. He didn't want me to so then he felt guilty. He wants me back, I'm definitely not in the same place. That again makes me feel guilty.

Bad person ----> Me.

fluffyanimal Sun 06-Apr-14 22:35:17

No not at all. Different does not equal bad. You feel differently from him. Whatever the ins and outs of your relationship, your feelings are as valid as his and if they are different from his then there is no reason why his should take precedence over yours.

You are not responsible for another adult's happiness, even if that person is your H. Let go of the guilt flowers

HugAndRoll Sun 06-Apr-14 22:39:25

I will try.

HugAndRoll Mon 07-Apr-14 09:50:35

I am completely exhausted. I can feel myself falling asleep but need to wait until ds2's nap.

HugAndRoll Mon 07-Apr-14 17:58:33

Today is going exceptionally slowly. Still 3 hours before I can think about going to bed. I feel so rough from lack of sleep.

PolterGoose Mon 07-Apr-14 18:03:32

I hope you get some sleep tonight, not sleeping will really affect your mental health, a former colleague of mine managed to get melatonin prescribed for herself which made a huge difference.

HugAndRoll Mon 07-Apr-14 19:13:20

I hope so too. I'm not being a great mum as I have no energy, only the basics are getting done. Ds2 is in bed, ds1 goes at 8 but has his routine. Sorry to say I'm counting down the minutes.

HugAndRoll Tue 08-Apr-14 09:34:05

I slept!

PolterGoose Tue 08-Apr-14 09:42:14

So pleased smile

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Tue 08-Apr-14 10:52:50


AndIFeedEmGunpowder Thu 10-Apr-14 21:45:58

Just wondering how you are. Hope you are still sleeping better.

HugAndRoll Thu 10-Apr-14 21:52:01

I'm having a down day today. I can't seem to shift a sense of impending doom, I feel it in the pit of my stomach and just cannot relax.

I also feel like I could cry at any moment, but the tears don't come.

I feel deserted by family and friends, most are supporting H and very few are even talking to me. Depression is a horrible thing to have and people who don't understand it just make you feel worse.

I swing between just wanting to disappear and actually wanting to die. I suppose, in a way, that's an improvement.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Thu 10-Apr-14 22:10:48

I'm so sorry you don't feel supported Hug. I think people find illnesses like depression hard to understand because they can't see them. sad It's like mental health needs rebranding.

Did you go to the group in the end?

HugAndRoll Thu 10-Apr-14 22:50:25

I did go to the group. I'm hoping it will help me to change my mindset. It's about accepting what you can't change. I'm also going to need one to one counselling which I need to organise soon.

MariaNearlyEaster Thu 10-Apr-14 23:34:01

Hug, just saying hi. Sorry it's been another hard day brew

PolterGoose Fri 11-Apr-14 07:58:36

Hi Hug sorry it's still so hard, but, you sound more positive and focused, which is good, hope you sort your counselling soon flowers

fluffyanimal Fri 11-Apr-14 10:05:44

Hope you got some sleep last night Hug. Glad you went to the group. One step at a time flowers

HugAndRoll Fri 11-Apr-14 10:34:28

Thank you all. I'm feeling a bit negative today but will go out later which should help. It seems the actions of others are directly impacting my mood which is not right. I'm a grown ass woman and should be responsible for my own happiness.

PolterGoose Fri 11-Apr-14 10:50:31

You are indeed grin

Doesn't make it easy though, but you sound like you're getting your fight back and your self back, onwards and upwards.

HugAndRoll Fri 11-Apr-14 11:18:12

I'm hoping I am. All I want is to feel happy.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Fri 11-Apr-14 18:20:24

I'm glad you went to your group. I hope you feel happy soon.

HugAndRoll Sat 12-Apr-14 21:42:04

We are putting the house up for sale. So much is changing but it's all necissary. I need to get out of this house, even though it will mean renting. (On my own renting is a better option anyway).

H is still holding out hope for a reconciliation. I've enjoyed his company and he is trying very hard but I'm just not at that place.

I'm struggling at the moment with lack of sleep, an inability to eat and anything I do eat going straight through me (sorry!). I feel completely physically and mentally wrecked and am only happy when with certain friends. I can't rely on them too much and I think I'll be able to relax more once I've moved but until then it's just stress on top of stress.

PolterGoose Sat 12-Apr-14 21:45:11

That all sounds very hard. Sending more honks and (((hugs)))

HugAndRoll Sat 12-Apr-14 22:35:28

Thanks polter. To top it all off, following advice and parent's evening it looks like we are going to have to start the statementing process for ds1.

PolterGoose Sat 12-Apr-14 22:38:45

Oh bugger. Thankfully lots of people on the SN boards can help with that, it's out of my realm of experience.

You do need to find some things you can eat, would Imodium help?

HugAndRoll Sat 12-Apr-14 23:05:00

I don't know. I'm having a biopsy on 24th to confirm coeliac disease so I think it's likely related to that as I have to continue eating gluten until then. That coupled with very little appetite means I've lost a bit of weight, a positive to be fair.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Mon 14-Apr-14 16:49:17

Ignore if you have already considered/dismissed this Hug, but have you thought that if you are coeliac you might be also be anaemic? I think one of the symptoms of anaemia can be depression.

PolterGoose Mon 14-Apr-14 16:51:04

Hi Hug how are you today?

homework Mon 14-Apr-14 17:09:20

Hi hugs sorry not kept up with this thread but have been thinking about you , ask on g&c how you where doing Polter referred me back here .

Hope you okay , will try get some time later to read though . Just wanted make sure your okay.

HugAndRoll Mon 14-Apr-14 22:07:02

Hi thanks all.

I'm not great. I really need to move. For lots of reasons I can't go into in detail without getting stressed out. The house is being valued on Thursday so please keep your fingers crossed it sells quickly.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Tue 15-Apr-14 08:15:04

Fingers crossed it sells quickly and for lots of money!

HugAndRoll Tue 15-Apr-14 17:03:59

Thank you smile.

HugAndRoll Wed 16-Apr-14 23:39:59

Today has been very up and down. I've gone to bed on a downer though. In dreading tomorrow and just wish I could disappear without a trace.

fluffyanimal Thu 17-Apr-14 09:29:19

Hi Hug, hope you got some sleep. How are you feeling today? The house being valued is a good milestone. Thinking of you.

PolterGoose Thu 17-Apr-14 09:38:55

How are you today Hug?

HugAndRoll Thu 17-Apr-14 10:13:30

Not amazing. I'm feeling crap about myself because I'm going to rely solely on benefits, at least to begin with. I'm also nervous about the valuations because I live next door to my mum and dad and they will see them coming. It's going to open a massive can of worms I simply don't have the energy to deal with.

I just need this transition phase to be over so I can get on with my life.

PolterGoose Thu 17-Apr-14 10:47:28

Don't feel bad about being on benefits, it doesn't have to be forever, and even if it was, well so be it.

Do your parents know you're selling?

HugAndRoll Thu 17-Apr-14 12:15:11

No they don't. There's a long backstory but I'm dreading the day they question it. I don't feel like an adult around them to be honest, I feel like a naughty child.

PolterGoose Thu 17-Apr-14 12:17:41

Sounds like a move away would be a very good thing. Keep focused on your new life, it'll be good smile

ouryve Thu 17-Apr-14 13:35:50

Agreeing that a move away sounds like a good plan. Sometimes people can be beyond stifling. To risk a cheesy analogy, you've got a bloody steep hill ahead of you, but once you've scaled it, the view should be quite something.

Don't worry about the benefits. This is exactly what they're for.

HugAndRoll Thu 17-Apr-14 18:23:33

Thank you. Agent chosen and we have £15k wiggle room between what we need and the valuation so that's positive.

I also informed tax credits I'm single, got the telephone number for income support and opened a sole bank account with a different bank.

Very productive but I'm on a massive downer.

HugAndRoll Thu 17-Apr-14 20:43:51

Song lyrics that sum up me right now:

I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone.
I long for that feeling to not feel at all.
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink.
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.

HugAndRoll Thu 17-Apr-14 21:21:10


PolterGoose Thu 17-Apr-14 21:40:00

I can't see the words. Do you need to call Samaritans?


HugAndRoll Thu 17-Apr-14 21:46:38

I self harmed. It's not bad because I forced myself to stop. I feel so alone.

PolterGoose Thu 17-Apr-14 21:51:36

I know you do, but you're not, this will get better flowers

HugAndRoll Sun 20-Apr-14 00:38:08

I may post a thread in chat but not sure if this is lame. I need to know how to make friends.

Most of my close friends and family have basically abandoned me since my major depressive episode/separation from H. I have one person I can truly count on right now which is unfair on them and a small handful of people I can talk to but always on their terms.

I'm fed up of feeling so lonely but my self esteem is at an all time low. I don't know if I should be going to bars etc on my own to try and meet people or how you do it at all.

I have school mum friends and autism mum friends but I mean I want proper can count on them to have a laugh but also totally be yourself friend making.

I'm hoping if I feel less alone I won't feel so depressed.

PolterGoose Sun 20-Apr-14 10:35:14

Oh Hug, I'm not sure bars are the best way to meet people, and it takes time to develop friendships. What about posting on your local board and setting up a meet up?

HugAndRoll Sun 20-Apr-14 15:27:00

That's a good idea. I sound so pathetic!

PolterGoose Sun 20-Apr-14 15:35:15

No, you don't at all.

Go for it.

HugAndRoll Tue 22-Apr-14 17:36:32

I'm feeling guilty today for doing what is right for me and my boys. I wish I didn't allow people to affect me as much as I do.

PolterGoose Tue 22-Apr-14 19:16:02

Putting you and the boys first is the right thing to do smile

HugAndRoll Wed 23-Apr-14 09:03:05

I'm viewing two properties this week. Hopefully the beginning of a new chapter in my life, one that I want to live rather than just wanting to die or disappear.

PolterGoose Wed 23-Apr-14 10:03:25

Good luck with the properties smile

HugAndRoll Mon 05-May-14 23:51:38

Why is depression such a cunt? I've been doing so well and then today, bam! It's slapping me in the face. I've cried, punched myself, tried some cathartic writing (it wasn't), cried again and had to really stop myself from cutting my wrist (there is a scratch but I stopped myself as the kids are with me tonight).

I need this all to stop. I need help. Why is it always at this time you realise you need to talk to someone? I can't ring Samaritans as ds2 is very unsettled and in bed with me. He screams if I move out of reach/sight.

PolterGoose Tue 06-May-14 06:26:37

How about ringing the Samaritans today if you can, talk through how to cope with those times?


HugAndRoll Tue 06-May-14 10:49:47

I'm going to book some private counselling sessions today, just need to close my eyes for a bit first. Ds1 has tonsillitis but in true aspie form is still bouncing off the walls and other than his raging temperature seems fine. Ds2 is napping so will snooze on the sofa for a bit.

HugAndRoll Thu 08-May-14 23:39:03

I'm doing badly tonight. Haven't taken meds, got one left until Monday night. Feel very down. Accidentally burned myself earlier, I'm glad. I like the pain. I have strong urges to cut and just want this all to stop.

I feel so lonely but don't want H back. I just need someone's hand to hold.

PolterGoose Fri 09-May-14 07:01:17

Can you get an emergency GP appointment or prescription today? Can you ring the crisis team?

How are you feeling this morning?


HugAndRoll Fri 09-May-14 09:27:18

I took my one pill this morning. The boys didn't sleep so I'm exhausted and irritable. I'm going to the pharmacy later to see if I can get an emergency prescription.

I have to scrub the house today for viewings tomorrow but I don't have the energy. All I seem to do is whinge.

PolterGoose Fri 09-May-14 09:35:41

brew and cake

The cleaning the house is part of the path to your new life, stick some music on and get to it, a room at a time, maybe set a timer for 15 minutes a room, I find that makes me get more done.

Don't forget to get your med's, don't leave it too late.

HugAndRoll Fri 09-May-14 22:17:45

Some good news, I got the flat! I move on Thursday so after the open house tomorrow I'll start packing.

PolterGoose Sat 10-May-14 08:21:34

That's quick, is it where you want to live? Good luck moving smile

HugAndRoll Sat 10-May-14 19:02:28

It is. It's a street over from the most supportive person in my life so location is great for me. Thank you, I've lost so many people from my life moving is going to be hard as I don't really have much help. Never mind.

HugAndRoll Mon 12-May-14 22:56:44

It's amazing how depression has turned me into the world's biggest procrastinator. It's such an effort to do anything and I have a to do list as long as my arm. I need a nudge in the right direction.

PolterGoose Tue 13-May-14 06:24:00

What would help?

HugAndRoll Tue 13-May-14 16:27:03

A kick up the backside I think. I signed the contract for the flat today but haven't done anything else for the move as our occupational therapy department had an open day for their toy and sensory library. I would like to get ds1 a blackout tent as he has to share a room with ds2 in the new place and it would give him somewhere to hide out when e has sensory overload.

I'm trying to get all my washing done ready to pack including bedding as I'm not sure if the flat has space for a tumble dryer. I hope it does.

Packing also needs to recomence or I'll be panicking tomorrow.

PolterGoose Tue 13-May-14 18:37:27

I'm sure you're far more organised and motivated than you think grin

Get your arse in gear and start that new life, sending virtual brew and cake to keep you going.

And don't forget the G&C threads smile

HugAndRoll Tue 13-May-14 20:05:32

Thank you. I will be back in the G&C this weekend. Save me a nice cold southern comfort lime and lemonade.

PolterGoose Tue 13-May-14 20:07:39


There should be a SW meet up soon wink

HugAndRoll Tue 13-May-14 21:08:22

There should. grin

HugAndRoll Wed 14-May-14 00:34:16

I'm panicking. I only have two friends who have said they'd help me move. If they let me down for whatever reason I'm screwed. Can you take a sofa upstairs on your own?

My family are useless and most of my friends have abandoned me. I really don't know what to do. I can't afford to use a full on removal service and it's probably too late for me to get one anyway.

It's likely I'm worrying for no reason as I have no reason to believe my friends will let me down. It's still a worry though.

PolterGoose Wed 14-May-14 07:26:43

Do you have to be out the house tomorrow, is the sale completing? If not then you have a contingency. Would your ex help, as it his his children too who are moving?

I am sure though that if people have said they'll help, they will smile

HugAndRoll Wed 14-May-14 13:57:57

No I don't have to be out of the house tomorrow but I have personal reasons why I mentally need to be.

Ex said he'd help if he can get the day off but he's still not sure he can.

I've run out of boxes and still have things to pack. I have way too many things.

PolterGoose Wed 14-May-14 14:00:27

Banana boxes are good, supermarkets always have loads. Also those 10p bags for life are surprisingly sturdy for stuff that isn't breakable. Have you got much left to do?


HugAndRoll Wed 14-May-14 14:16:22

Clothes, some toys and the bathroom things so not to

HugAndRoll Wed 14-May-14 14:16:47

Too much.

thanks I'll be glad when it's done.

PolterGoose Wed 14-May-14 14:46:25

You've done well then, nearly there, very good luck for tomorrow flowers

HugAndRoll Wed 14-May-14 14:49:02

Thank you smile.

PolterGoose Fri 16-May-14 11:36:50

How was the move? How are you?


HugAndRoll Fri 16-May-14 17:59:34

The move went well thank you but very tiring. I've unpacked the important things today so it looks more like a home than a storage unit but I'll be sorting bits and bobs for a while I think.

HugAndRoll Wed 28-May-14 00:31:41

Why do feelings exist? I often wish I couldn't feel anything, then at least I wouldn't feel pain and despair.

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