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Any other relatively 'high functioning' working mothers with depression/ sucidal thoughts out there?

(190 Posts)

I wondered if could find some support with others feeling like me. Rather than a thread thats all MeMeMe, it would be great to hear from and support others and get support myself.

I've got 2 DCs, work in a full on job though 4d a wk, it might as well be full time. I've had PND since DC2 (now 16mths) and it got worse after returning to work. Its lead to sucidal ideation, despite meds this has continued. Right now things are bad and Im constantly thinking of ways out though I know I cant /wont act on it.

Anyone else?

madeuplovesong44 Mon 24-Mar-14 22:46:23

Hey sheissmall. I'm sorry to read how tough life is for you at the moment. Mental ill health is so cruel and such an isolating thing to deal with. Do you have good family support/ friends you trust to share with? You say you take meds but have you been offered any therapy to help deal with your negative thinking?

I have a mememe thread and have received amazing support here from some very kind ladies. I hope you do too.

I too have two young children and work 5 days a week and suppose i am fairly high functioning and i have a catalogue of mental illness diagnosis including bipolar depression.

I find that people struggle to relate to my despair as i appear to be coping. I have thought of suicide every day since my baby was born but no one would believe that. I have found writing it here almost validates in my mind how relentless mental illness can be.

Sorry if i am not saying anything remotely useful buy just wanted to let you know you are not alone. X

mouse26 Tue 25-Mar-14 08:20:46

Hi, I don't really have the suicidal thoughts but do have days where I just want to disappear, I wish I just never existed. I have 2 ds's and work full time. I'm on citalopram at the moment and it helps massively BUT I still have the bad days. I don't like to tell my dp on those days that I'm struggling, he's put up with enough from me, and my work colleagues just see the happier me and think everythings ok.

monicalewinski Tue 25-Mar-14 08:48:38

I'm another who just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Whenever I see people talking about depression, it always seems to be the extreme end of not being able to leave the house/clean/wash etc.

I am what you called high functioning I suppose, I feel those things sometimes but I have to carry on - I have a full time job and 2 boys and my husband goes away quite a bit as do I. I just got to the point in 2012 where everything got too much for me, took citalopram for about 6 months, came off them and then had another massive crash about 4 months later (2 days before husband came home after 4 months away, just gave up 2 days too soon). I have been on citalopram since, have had health problems and major op during at time and still ploughing on.

My thing is that I want to run away (rather than suicidal, although I have felt suicidal at my very worst). I have an overwhelming urge to just drive and drive and disappear sometimes, so I don't have to cope anymore.

Not much help to you I'm afraid, but just wanted to let you know you are not on your own - just because the world sees you as being fine and you don't fit the standard mould of 'depressed'. Me me me all you want! smileflowers

HarrietVaneAgain Tue 25-Mar-14 09:00:54

Hi I am In the same situation as you with two small boys and a demanding part-time job that would take over everything if I let it. I manage both but haven't exactly covered myself with glory in either aspect of my life. This all puts a strain on my relationship with DH so I get little support there. He hates that I can't cope. I had PND after DS2 which was low level and wasn't treated when I went back to work it developed into terrible anxiety to the point at which I spent the day obsessing about things that might harm the children, then the depression set in... CBT had helped a lot as I think would real life support if I had any.

PlumProf Tue 25-Mar-14 09:08:34

Hi, so sorry for your pain. It really really does all get easier and then the mood lifts. Meantime, if you are having proper suicidal thoughts, get back to the GP. I was you once and I shudder to think the impact I would have had on my young family had I taken that final step. I was signed off work for a couple of months and was then able to arrange my life to give up work for a couple of years. That enabled me to enjoy small children instead of running to stay on the same spot. And you know what, my career was fine after that anyway. It is easy to be so exhausted and to see no end to the exhaustion if you are a working mother without proper support....what with work and child care it is easy not to have any time for friends or socialisation.

Can the children go and stay with grandparents for a couple of weeks to give you time to catch breath? Or can you take a week or two off work (leaving child care in place) to reflect and regroup? But my main message is please please please share your thoughts with a medical professional. If you have started thinking of ways to commit suicide then that is a great big red flag and you need to prioritise your own mental wellbeing in order for your whole family to keep the Mum they adore. PM me if you like but I am not a medic - just been there, done that. If you are in London, I am happy to help btw. My DC are now grown and I have retired very early.

avocadosandwich Tue 25-Mar-14 13:45:12

That's me sad Two kids, both bright and confident, married to a successful man, working myself as a freelance writer and yet have been suffering from depression and self-harming since last autumn. I had my meds increased a fortnight ago and have begun counselling, and I do feel the clouds are beginning to lift, but it has been a truly dreadful time for the whole family. I'm pretty good at putting a brave face on things, but it got to the point where people were noticing that I was losing it.

Is there anything in your life that you could scale back while you recover? I have never been a quitter, but made the decision to resign from something that was tipping me over the edge (school governor) and while I feel incredibly guilty, it does help to know that I've put that particular responsibility down.

Please keep talking.

Thanks for all your replies. I am sorry that there are others feeling like this too it's pretty dreadful and so hard to explain.

I did a long post on the train this morning that didn't publish frustratingly.

I don't have any support and more less deal with alone. My H doesn't do depression and so never asked how I am. I suppose I could tell him but I know he doesn't want to hear it really.

I feel very isolated in my thoughts and existence.

Today has been really bad. Started off ok but soon spiralled downward. When I was walking from office to the tube I felt as if going to London bridge and jumping into river would be preferable to going home. It's not that I don't want to be with my children. I don't seem to be able to connect the impact of suicide with the act itself. This bit worries me a bit.

I do have some virtual cbt which is helpful in that I get someone to talk to but it's early days.

I may need to get the meds reviewed. I'm reluctant she to the side effects of increasing the dose or changing meds.

I should also be frank with my husband about things but I'm very afraid of his reaction. He can be quite hard work and I think he might give me a "I don't need this" type reply and be angry for me raising it. However he is getting annoyed with my total aloofness and lack of contact with him. This is all unsaid- I can tell by the vibes

Feeling so sad today

I also don't have any outlet for a break from kids. No family nearby to take them. Even overnight.

duchesse Tue 25-Mar-14 16:20:27

I hear you, sister. I've had depression since I was a child and it's more part of who I am than a massive hindrance. I've done everything I've done so far with the depression sitting on my shoulder making disparaging comments. I guess I'm not doing too badly all things considered.

Do you think, sheis, that you could do with some time off? Your life is pretty relentless with no space in it to recharge batteries, ever. Sounds to me like you could do with a week alone by a pool somewhere warm with a stack of novels and time to think.

Do you have friends you can talk to about this? If your DH is no good with stuff like this, can he be relied on to allow you the space to talk about it with others? Evenings out, or even days out with your friends for example while he looks after the children.

Grockle Tue 25-Mar-14 16:25:22

Yep... me. sad

PlumProf Tue 25-Mar-14 17:56:20

You poor lamb sad. I hear you. You may in fact not be depressed - just overburdened and overwhelmed. I really do understand how you feel. No previous generation of women has had so much demanded of them.

You have to make some sort of change to help yourself. Is being signed off work feasible? When I went to my GP, with no history of MH issues, and confessed that I was thinking of ways of finishing it all, she immediately signed me off for 2 months. It literally saved my life. I coped with the guiklt by reasoning that my work would have had to find a replacement/ do without you if I had jumped in the river so were no worse off, and indeed didn't have the hassle of an inquest etc. I also realised that my DC would NEVER find a replacement for me and never have anyone as devoted to them and that even if I was doing a bad job, it was better than any alternative they had.

Also, don't assume your DH realises how low you have sunk. Perhaps show him this thread and you might find he comes up trumps once he realises that you are not just "having a moan" but are seriously ill.

If you were at London Bridge today then you are very close to me indeed (less than 10 minutes). If you like (no pressure) do pm me and I would be happy to meet (I guess you have zero time but even 5 mins on the station on your way home may help you feel understood) and even see if I can give you some practical support. Please don't suffer in silence by not sharing your feelings in RL. It will help with the feelings of isolation.

Take care xx

Meglet Tue 25-Mar-14 18:04:04

And me. It's a mix of life time depression, being a LP, possible ASD and possible menopause kicking in. I feel like faulty goods hmm.

halfwayupthehill Tue 25-Mar-14 18:09:44

Lovely post plumprof

WhatWouldFreddieDo Tue 25-Mar-14 18:14:22

Yup, me too. Have 3 children, work full-time, although mostly from home.

I've been on a tiny dose of citalopram on and off and on again since dc2, so 10 years.

I function well because DH is hugely supportive and I know would do anything to make me better - so I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you. If your DH isn't in the loop or supportive, no wonder you're overwhelmed. Can you make some time to have a serious talk with him?

NewJobNewLife Tue 25-Mar-14 18:22:58

And me. I have to make dinner for two little people. Right now, but can I come back later?

Hello to all those in the same situation. How sad it is but nice to have some support here.

Prof-your post is so lovely. It's made me feel looked after in a way I've not felt in years. Your logic about getting signed off is no worse than jumping in the river is very true.

HR already know about the issue as I confesses to mentor recently. She wanted to advise them in case of performance issues. I have never been signed off. Would I still get paid ? Not sure what I could do with my time as I have a nanny so have to earn to pay her. Plus I can't knock about the house with her and the little one. It would cause havoc!

Please come back later new job ?

Whatwould I'm glad that you have good support from you husband. That's how it should be.

Not sure why mine is so rubbish at this stuff. When my first child was about 1.5wks old. He had gone back to work. I had a dreadful night and day with baby screaming non stop. I called him and said I was worried I couldn't do it. He went berserk and said he didn't need that right now. It was awful.

Anyway sorry for the tangent.

SilverStars Tue 25-Mar-14 19:24:57

Hi, very similar here. Classed as high functioning too. Work, child, partner and have no family nearby and none that would help even if nearby. More I care for them when see them.

For me, I find work a good distraction from my head. Also am trying to show myself some compassion, be kind to me as it is helping break the negative cycle. I was told by one health practitioner and rightly told that I was looking for someone to rescue me when the answer is in me. Hard at the time but a year later on am realising the truth in that for me anyway. So trying to allow myself a bubble bath, some me time whatever that is as a parent and do things that help me. If that makes sense.

It is horrid. And very hard for people to understand when coping to the outside world. Sorry to hear your re struggling OP.

PlumProf Tue 25-Mar-14 19:30:21

Sheis it depends on your contract. At a lot of larger employers (especially in the City) the first few weeks at least would be on full pay.

You would need to ask the Nanny to take the DC out of the house for a large part of every day to give you a break (I agree about not knocking about together as that would be only stressful). Is that feasible?

Or you would need to go away. Sigh, I am sure that would be tricky if your DH couldn't be back in time each night - working mums don't get a break, do they, but then he would HAVE to cope if you were not around and would HAVE to figure it out so all things are possible.

I am glad you have spoken to a mentor. I hope he/she is equipped to give you good advice.

Lastly, I really don't think an employer would ever sack you for being off work for a few months for stress - they are more likely to be worried about you suing them for being the partial cause - but, even if they did (they won't) in the round, ANYTHING will be better than you continuing to feel this low.

I also remember being worried about money if I gave up work, but somehow things worked out. If you are employing a Nanny then I am guessing that both you and your DH earn reasonably and that you don't have massive debts (sorry, big assumptions) and somehow you would get by if you need to. This might just be a time that you use up some of your savings and can rebuild them in the future.

Take care. I am unusually out all day tomorrow so won't be posting for most of the day but will check on you tomorrow night at the latest.

Have a good evening. Cuddle those lovely children and go easy on yourself :-)

SilverStars Tue 25-Mar-14 19:31:10

Sheiis regarding being signed off work it depends on your work's sickness policy - some pay full pay for set time, then half pay, then SSP only after that. Some companies refer people to OH if off for more than 4 weeks, to see what support needed to return, to see if can return etc etc... Wrht looking into what they offer you at work.

Would getting a fit note from the dr help. That is not signing you off full time but giving you a note for reduced hours for a while? That would give you time for you - go to a gym class, yoga, walk in park and grab a coffee, fit in a counselling session ( if go private can get one within weeks and if NHS can take months but not always depends on area).

Or as you have a nanny would she work a few hours extra one night a week to give you time to you regularly? Would that help?

howdiditgetthisbad Tue 25-Mar-14 19:39:28

Hi, certainly not the only one - I have two DC, one with additional needs caused by me making some very bad decisions around medical care in late pregnancy. I am currently a PhD student and in my final year and I workk four days a week. My DH works FT and thank god is hands on with the older child. Baby and DH are my protective factors according to a MH assessment. Until baby was born I wished I didn't exist several times a day.

I have had depression on and off since a teenager, took a massive overdose at 17, but as my father died a few weeks later my issues were swept under the carpet. I had PTSD after my AN child was born, untreated it led to depression, exacerbated by my second pregnancy. I'm under a great deal of pressure to medicate, I receive art therapy on the NHS.

Lack of sleep and a truly terrible diet (I'm very overweight atm) are making my MH worse without a doubt. We have very little support except a a home start volunteer who is just amazing. I find solace in meditation and being outside, not easy with very young children.

Meglet Tue 25-Mar-14 20:12:00

howdid the pressure to medicate is appalling. I'm glad I'm old enough, and stubborn enough, to stand my ground and refuse. I've tried it in the past and it's not what I need. I know I need counselling, sleep and more exercise but that's like gold dust.

The last GP who presribed me amytriptiline (sp?) for IBS and depression said the drugged sleepy feeling woud wear off after a few weeks. Me "oh, will you do my job and look after the kids for me while I'm sleeping it off then?". He didn't have an answer to that. FFS.

howdiditgetthisbad Tue 25-Mar-14 20:59:17

Hi meglet

yes, I think more support as a mum and more sleep would help a great deal -when baby was much smaller she slept twelve hours a night for several months, its the closest I've ever been to recovered in the past few years . I work W/T/F/S and my lowest point is Tuesday evening when I am truly exhausted but need to prep for the 'week' ahead. So far I have refused medication but thats based on a hatred of nausea side effects and cosleeping.

sheis you're not alone. So sorry though that you're having such a tough time. I'd never come across the high functioning term before but its spot on.

Someone wise upthread - Plumprof said mothers have never had so much demanded of them than now and I think there's a lot of truth in that. I had a breakdown Jan 2013 and am a lot better. But still drove home this eve having to restrain myself from hitting the accelerator and seeing what happened. Like monica I have frequent urges to just run away from it all. It is exhausting keeping going.

Can you get signed off? I can well imagine tho its not easy with a nanny around. Is there anyone else you could stay with for a bit to get a break? Could you come to some arrangement with your nanny that she and dc are out in the morning and you're out in the pm?

Sleep and exercise do help - but as we all know its not that simple...

take care

HarrietVaneAgain Tue 25-Mar-14 22:30:10

Your husband sounds a bit like mine Sheis. He's got a very demanding responsible job and doesn't really do emotion. His attitude is very much 'what's the matter now' which makes me feel dreadful. Is there anyone else you can talk who can provide support? I found it was vital to carve out sometime for my self. You could look into something like getting a mothers help to come and do the kids bedtime while you nip out for a coffee or what I did was join a gym with a crèche which made a big difference to go for a swim and have a bit of time to myself.

Good morning everyone

Thanks again for more helpful posts and shared stories. Your comments are all so helpful. It does seem that due to the nature of this beast- there are a lot more people suffering in silence than I would imagine.
Everyone- please use this thread to chat too.

Thanks for the perspective on being signed off. I will look at the work policy on this later today. Its an option but it will be a big advertisment to all around me that I've got an issue, but then maybe thats not a bad thing really. I could work around the nanny if needs be, the issue is the youngest one will want me if she sees me so it would need to be managed carefully. The other option is to visit family on the other side of the world. That would be wonderful but it would mean a massive strain on my husband doing both ends of the day with the nanny (as she finishes quite early currently). Something to consider.... very tempting I must say smile Although my H might not see it as recovery but as a stress free holiday for me and he might be resentful (understandable).

In terms of support - there isnt anyoney really. I have one friend who I dont really get to see but exchange the odd message with about it. I also have an alternative health practitioner who acts as a counsellor really and I talk to her and check in once or week or so. The big gap was at work and is at home. The work gap is closed a bit now as I've told my mentor and also yesterday, my line manager as my performance issues needed some explanation.

Prof- thanks so much for your support. I will drop you a PM.

Harriet- I am sorry that you dont have much support either. How do you cope? Do you have family around?

Mega post! I had better get down to some work

Please do keep posting - this is so helpful for me, and others I hope.x

metoo22 Wed 26-Mar-14 11:36:23

Hello op and everyone
I think I fit - or used to - into this category too. Very full time job, and my marriage is on its last legs. I have always projected a strong capable image I suppose, but feeling very anxious and down. I crashed in January after a specific crisis and have been signed off work since then, about to go back but part time.

Plumprof has good advice on being signed off. I thought I would just need a week or 2 but my GP rightly noticed from the start that it would take longer than that. It has been good to just switch off from that side of my worries, and I have come to not care that all my colleagues now know I have MH issues. OP, it's good that you have been open at work: would they consider a temporary reduction in hours or change of duties?

I'm going back part time initially and to a less stressful role, so hope that helps. Having therapy, trying to learn to be less hard on myself amongst other things.

Thanks Me

I have looked at the options of being signed off from the perspective of whether I would get paid- this would be essential. Its as clear as mud (of course) but I think i can get paid for 4wks then after that it goes to 60 to 70% of salary which we couldnt sustain as we are our limit with me doing 4d/wk and having a nanny.

I wouldnt want to let the nanny go or change her hours as I need the break plus would need her again (I hope). So I need to look at this more tactically maybe.

Did your marriage survive?

HarrietVaneAgain Wed 26-Mar-14 13:24:34

Hello again. It's good to be open with your boss. Mine has been very helpful. Depends on the environment you work in but I've been circumspect with other colleagues, so much in my line of work is on reputation. I did slip up tho and confide in someone who has always been a bit of a work rival. She's been great and has covered for me a few times I was really pleased and surprised.

In terms of home I don't have any support really, we moved house to be nearer the in-laws and while they will occasionally babysit it's made other problems worse MIL was the most perfect wife and mother when she was my age did none of this silly work nonsense and spends a lot of time reinforcing DH's negative perceptions of me.

dinster Wed 26-Mar-14 13:45:21

I hope I can put a hand up to say 'me too', although I already feel guilty because I only work part time, only have one dc and have a very supportive dh and family help with childcare. And because sometimes I feel 'ok' and therefore it seems that saying I'm struggling is a lie somehow.

Spend most of my time feeling guilty about feeling down when I have a nice life and about all the things I'm not doing - meanwhile piling on more pressure about housework and cooking and chores. Feel like a bad person deep down. I've lost weight and am obsessing about calories; not sleeping and close to tears much of the time. Not suicidal but often feel that it would be better if I just wasn't here.

Not sure what to do. Have done CBT but felt it was another thing I failed at! Family want me to go to the doctor but I'm scared to and feel that because after all I'm holding it together, keeping going.

Sorry to be mememe - only wanted to be companionable.

I really hope you might be able to visit your family, Sheis, or at least find a way to catch a break somehow...

Grockle Wed 26-Mar-14 14:09:41

I couldn't decide whether or not to namechange but I can't be bothered.

I am a lone parent to DS have a foster child & work 4 days a week in a very stressful job where I get attacked and hurt every day. I have several chronic illnesses and now severe depression. This week, my mood has lifted a little and I'm not horribly suicidal but the past 2 weeks have been a little scary.

I don't have any family support & my friends don't really know. I don't know what to tell them. sad

dinster Wed 26-Mar-14 14:18:22

That sounds so tough, Grockle. Do you think you could talk to your friends? Or even write something down to show them? (I know that sounds a bit odd but it might be an easier way...) Is there any chance you could get a break from work?

I hope your mood can stay lifted a little.

Thereishope Wed 26-Mar-14 15:01:28

Can I join?

I am married with 2 dc. I have suffered with depression for over 25 years. I get very low days. I am not suicidal but want to run away on most days. I actually envisage packing a suitcase and handing dh my divorce papers.

I am quite sociable and involved in voluntary work which keeps me going. I need structure.

We are in a lot of debt and this makes me depressed and anxious. If there is a spend I have not accounted for, I am tearful even if £5 or £10.

I hate myself so constantly deny myself what I would happily give to another.

I see nail shops/hairdressers and think it would be nice to pamper myself. Then I tell myself even if we had the cash, I am not worth it anyway.

I want to like myself, I really do. I am my own worst enemy.

metoo22 Wed 26-Mar-14 15:22:11

Hi She
Yes, I have been very lucky to be on full pay for 8 weeks. Now going back onto part time pay (.6 until the summer) which is going to be really hard as I am main earner but I would not be able to go back to what I was doing. I really appreciate my boss giving me this chance.

My marriage is not surviving, no sad. It's me that wants out, H is not a bad person but there has been little to it for many years now . We have done counselling, made some changes but I am sure it has to end. We are still living together though as selling the house, buying new flats etc is such a huge step. H is very passive and will do nothing about it, so when I feel stronger I will start to make changes. So stressful for all.

Dinster don't feel guilty... but I know what you mean, I do too. But depression is what it is and its not a competition. That's something I have sort of learned, though I don't always believe it for myself. If CBT didn't work maybe some kind of therapy where you try to work stuff out from your past, get to understand yourself better, would help? I know its usually expensive and that's what put me off for years. I didn't feel I could justify that sort of money on myself. But I got to the point where I felt it was essential. Its slowly helping. My therapist has offered to lower my fees now that I am paid part time - very kind and helpful which I am grateful for. Feeling guilty and feeling you don't deserve things and that you're a bad person can be a central part of depression. I hope you will think about going to your GP.

Grockle - that sounds very tough, especially your work. Are you getting any support from GP etc?

There - that's a long time to be so unhappy. (((hugs))) all

dinster Wed 26-Mar-14 15:40:13

Thanks for the kind words and advice, metoo. I know it shouldn't be about comparing - everything I read and see seems to confirm how rubbish I am and how little I have to feel badly about when others are having such difficult times. But I do know that's part of the problem. I've no idea what happened to the person I used to be. I fear being dismissed by the GP but will think again about it.

Thanks again and hugs to all.

metoo22 Wed 26-Mar-14 15:53:59

Dinster I am struggling with the same thing really in my therapy - I am trying to work stuff out about my relationship with my DM as a child and how it has affected me. I feel ridiculous, self centred and pathetic a lot of the time because my childhood was OK, I wasn't abused or neglected in any way. What my therapist tries to get across to me is that it doesn't really matter what happened or didnt happen, it's more about how it made me feel, how I feel now, how I behave now.

In the same way, most of the people I read about with depression, anxiety, whatever, seem to be dealing with much bigger problems than me and I feel pathetic.

If you do go to the GP, maybe write down how you are feeling and give it to her/him? I did that on my second appointment, having been so tearful I couldn't speak on my first.

HarrietVaneAgain Wed 26-Mar-14 17:19:58

So many people feeling guilty about being depressed sad I feel awful about it because on paper I've nothing to complain about. I have lovely healthy happy kids, an interesting and worthwhile part time job and no money worries. I know some people are worrying about accessing support on here my experience was the GP took it really seriously and got me six months of CBT within a few weeks. Always worth pushing for. The therapist was really good and did a mixture of CBT type stuff and some analysis of childhood relationship stuff.

PlumProf Wed 26-Mar-14 18:07:52

Harriet that is exactly it. You feel self indulgent because, as you say, you have a good job, lovely children and a nice house. You therefore feel no right to sympathy or to ask for support (and probably don't have time to nurture friends who might give it to you). Meanwhile you are run ragged with exhaustion and juggling.

Having grandparents on hand seems to be the key to making it all work, but lots of us didn't or don't have that luxury.

I would love to be an honorary granny for someone in that position - I have the time and the vigour and it will be years (I hope) before I have my own grandchildren as my DDs are busy getting life qualifications before tying themselves down.

Grockle Thu 27-Mar-14 11:19:02

Hard, isn't it? That guilt for feeling depressed when you have no real 'reason'. I have a huge amount of stress in my life so I guess I can blame it on that but I tend to just feel like a failure for not coping better.

I'm very tired but feeling brighter still, which is lovely. I hate that, for me, this is recurrent. I have great periods when I'm happy for months/ years even but then awful patches when I'm horribly suicidal and scared.

I have some support from CMHT in a 'see you in a couple of months' way, even when I was ready to jump off the pier. I do have a very supportive chronic health therapist who I see a couple of times a month to help me adjust and cope with my other illnesses.


HarrietVaneAgain Thu 27-Mar-14 14:17:43

You sound more positive today Grockle your situation sounds really tough. As I've learnt it's so important to take care of yourself.

Grandparents come with their own set of problems Prof although my in-laws are high maintainance I think. But it is nice to have someone else devoted to my DC and who spends time playing with them so I see what you mean.

Grockle Thu 27-Mar-14 14:46:51

I do feel more positive. I've been signed off work for another week (injury) which helps - knowing I'm not going to get attacked or hurt actually makes a huge difference to my mental health. And it gives me time to rest and think about life plans and stuff...

Hope everyone is coping today.

Hello everyone

Very busy day so only just got around to updating here.

Grockle- glad you are feeling a bit brighter smile I appreciate the ups and downs. Its good to try and enjoy the ups.

Dinster- you should try and not feel guilty. Every circumstance is different and I've learnt that not everyones situation is what it seems. Be kind to yourself.

Day not so bad today, which is a huge relief but it feels like a knife edge.

Hope everyone is ok

kazzawazzawoo Fri 28-Mar-14 22:00:12

I'm sorry you feel like this. I think I understand how you feel. I too function, but I just want to run away rather than commit suicide. My job is full on all the time, very busy, customer facing, lots of people who think they can be very rude because of where I work. I work 3.5 days, but dh is out of work so he is there all the time, I get no time alone. I want to run away and be alone. Or just not get out of bed, stay under the covers and speak to no one. Today at work I felt I should just walk out. I wasn't doing my job particularly well, at home I'm not cleaning the house very well and I can't talk to anyone. My dh doesn't do depression either and just tries to compete, ie always feels worse. My mother would be ringing every day if she knew and I'd feel the need to tell her things are improving, even though they're not.

I just can't keep moaning about how terrible I feel, no one really cares, so I put a brave face on and just cry when the lights are off at night. I'm not sure how long I can go on like this. I have the meds but my anxiety doesn't let me take them hmmhmm

I'm sorry, this doesn't help you, but I just don't have the answer. Could you take an extended holiday and maybe have a holiday alone?

Grockle Sat 29-Mar-14 06:36:20

Kazzawazza, that's exactly how I feel and why I don't tell family. If I couldn't tell them that I'm feeling better every day, I'd feel bad & they'd fuss. It's easier just to keep quiet.

kazzawazzawoo Sat 29-Mar-14 08:14:06

Grockle, agree. That sums it up. It's easier to say nothing.

equinox Sat 29-Mar-14 14:23:32

If you call the Samaritans if you are feeling suicidal or isolated/lonely you will find them very supportive and non-judgmental listeners. Although I do not call them myself they are an invaluable service and they are stafffed by unpaid volunteers. I had a friend who used to rely on them quite a great deal and it got her through quite a difficult patch.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

howdiditgetthisbad Mon 31-Mar-14 00:31:23

Hi, just wanted to hand hold.

I think I've averaged 4 hours sleep in the past two months, I got three hours last night, baby is ill and also teething. I'm holding her now while she sleeps, I know that if I put her down she will wake. I can hear DH snoring next door.

No therapy this week for me, I have too much work to do. 7am start tomorrow. So. So tired.

re your husband shouting what is he saying?

kazzawazzawoo Mon 31-Mar-14 00:34:08

Sheis, sorry to hear that. I have no suggestions, but remember how helpless I felt when my ydd wouldn't settle. Things are much easier when they're older.

I'm having a meltdown today too, on the verge of tears all the time and thinking I can't go to work and function tomorrow. I want to stay under the duvet and cry more and more with each day. I can't go to my gp and take her up on the offer of a sick note, as my colleagues work through every sickness and I can't let them down, we are only three and a manager. I've worked a few six day weeks recently and think I'm exhausted too. Maybe a bit hormonal as well. In my mind I'm trawling through all the things I've done wrong in the past and I hate myself so much. I will never forgive myself and that is hard to live with. hmmhmm

Sorry, this doesn't help you hmm I hope your little one settles down. Pity we can't ask our dhs for the help we need hmm

Thanks for posting howdidit. Sorry that you suffering with sleep issues too.

I had to stop using my phone around shortly after I posted as I was unable to focus.

My husband was shouting from out bed that letting her cry was clearly not going to work. He only did it once to be fair but it was more than enough. I'm still really cross with him, not seen him yet today to mention it. Not sure what I will say.

Dc2 eventually went off on me and I transferred her at 2am. So 3+ hrs in total. :-/

Kazza- how are you feeling today? Please post here. Shared experiences help us all x

kazzawazzawoo Mon 31-Mar-14 11:22:00

Sheis, you must be so tired. Do you have the same problem every night? How old is your dd? I hope tonight is better.

Sorry for my rant last night. I didn't go in to work this morning. I've been saving my holidays, only having the odd day off, but I think I need to take a week off to give myself some time to recover. I also think I may start taking the sertraline I have been prescribed, but haven't started yet. I've been putting it off, thinking I can cope, I hate the thought of the side effects.

Anyway, I hope you get through the day and that dh is more supportive tonight.

Hi Kazza

A wk off sounds good. Can you get some you time in that??

I have Sertraline and while everyone is different, I didn't find the side effects that bad. Or at least it was better than I had been feeling. I started at 50mg. I did find the jump to 100mg more tricky but none of it so bad I wanted to stop.

I'm not too bad considering thanks . She doesn't do that every night but used to and I'm still recovering from that. The sound of her crying post bed time almost makes me panic blush

Keep posting if you like smile

Take care of yourself

kazzawazzawoo Mon 31-Mar-14 12:30:21

Me time is difficult, as dh is out of work and hence I never get time alone. Plus dd breaks up for Easter on Friday. It would be nice to have some lazy time with her though. I'm going to ask at work whether I can have next week or the week after off.

I have 50 mg sertraline too. I've taken the first one just now, but I only took half a tablet, hope the side effects won't be too bad.

I've taken Prozac before, I suffered with terrible headaches and sleepiness, could barely function hmm I suffer a lot with anxiety and hope the sertraline will help with that.

Could you and dh take it in turns to settle dd, so that next time she won't go to sleep it's his "job" to stay with her, or will she only settle with you?

How are you feeling on the Sertraline Kazza? I found I felt an effect within a couple of hours.

Dc2 only wants me when she wakes and the moment. Getting hysterical if he does it. That's part of issue. He would gladly help if she would let him.

kazzawazzawoo Mon 31-Mar-14 17:58:53

I feel ok, just a bit dizzy at times and my head feels achy, but in a way I recognise from taking ADs before. Very much bearable so far. Not noticing a change in my mood yet, but I know it takes about 2 - 4 weeks to feel the effect.

It's been nice having some time alone at home though. I have tomorrow off work anyway and hope by Wednesday I'll not feel so exhausted and on the verge of tears all the time.

That is so difficult, when dd only wants you at night. Maybe dh can have another go, hopefully she will settle with him too. I hope she sleeps better the next few nights at least and you can catch up on sleep. I know it doesn't help now, but this too will pass.

Hi everyone

Kazza- how was the first night on the Sert? Hope it was a better experience than other ADs you've had.

Fortunately DD2 didnt wake up last night, though I admit to feeling rather tense late last night - expectign her to wake.

Didnt raise the shouting thing with H. I should have done because I am still cross about it.

hope everyone else is ok. Busy week ahead here always a risk factor.

kazzawazzawoo Tue 01-Apr-14 08:08:15

So glad dd didn't wake up, things tend to look a bit better if you get a full nights sleep. I understand you not raising the shouting issue with dh - sometimes it's easier to leave things, isn't it?

Last night was very odd. I couldn't sleep and spent all night dozing off briefly and then waking again. I did feel slightly nauseous from late evening on and off, it was bearable but I felt very worried about it. I hope it doesn't get worse.

Ruminatrix Tue 01-Apr-14 20:04:32

Another one here. Like other posters I have always lived with it to some degree. Ended up resigning from a previous job due to very serious bout of anxiety and depression.

Dragged myself back to "normality" and got another job but am struggling again. Don't want to burden DH as he has Enough to cope with and I know He just wants me to be ok.

Too scared of antidepressants and other meds to take them. Self medicated with alcohol last time but can't drink any more.

Often just wish I wasn't here.

Not good

hotcrosshunny Tue 01-Apr-14 20:13:38

This thread resonates with me. Two young DC, work 4 days but may as well be 5. I get anxious (DH took dd on the train and I was convinced he'd drop her on the tracks ffs), I see danger everywhere and feel so so down.

God it is hard.

kazzawazzawoo Tue 01-Apr-14 21:12:47

Hotcross, I'm like that too. Irrational fear if I'm not with dd that something will happen to her - and she's 12!! I'm having to let her have some independence, but am terrified she'll get run over or something hmmhmm

Second day of sertraline here. I'm so tired, mainly due to not sleeping well. Also my stomach feels a bit ... uneasy, not quite right. Still have a bit of a headache too. Tomorrow I have to go to work and I really don't want to hmm

ToothpickCharlie Tue 01-Apr-14 21:46:01

Can I join? Similar position to Ruminatrix - left previous job due to anxiety and depression. After a break I'm back in a full time, stressful, long hours role. Having CBT and reading mindfulness book are helping but having a really bad week. Not sleeping properly and hardly eating. Single mum so no option but to work.

Sorry to hear others are going through this. Bit of a relief for me to type this though as no one in RL knows I have these problems (except my therapist).

MaryShelley Tue 01-Apr-14 21:56:35

OP, do discuss meds with your GP. I had appalling suicidal ideation on sertraline. Not so much on escitalopram.
There are specialist PND counsellor out there too.

Hello and 'welcome' to the new people- Ruminatrix, Toothpick, hotcross.

Im sorry you are also feeling like this. I hope there is support for you hear- just somewhere to chat is helpful I am finding.

Kazza- your symptoms sound very much like mine in the early days of sertraline. I think I felt better on it after 5days and symptoms gone completely after 2wks max. Hang in there.
What kind of work do you do? Can you bury your self in work to make the time go fast?

Thanks Mary- thats interesting about Sertraline- thats the second report Ive had of that. I guess I am ruling it out as initially the sertraline totally stopped the suicidal feelings. They crept back after about a month.

What are the side effects like for the other drug mentioned? Im so worried about weight gain and loss of libido (though this is laughable at the moment really!)

Toothpick- that was exactly how I felt- no one in RL knows about me really, well they didnt until I've told work recently.

Its so isolating and lonely to feel like this with no one to get support from.

kazzawazzawoo Tue 01-Apr-14 22:34:01

So sad there are so many of us feeling like this hmm

Sheis, I work in an estate agency on front desk. It's usually busy, but my boss (male) isn't understanding at all. They don't know about my depression and won't understand me having a day off yesterday. My colleagues work through most illnesses. I know I'm going to spend all night worrying about what they're going to say tomorrow, running through possible conversations in my head, obsessing again hmm I said that I couldn't come in because I had a migraine.

I really hope I start to feel the benefits soon. It might be a while though, as I've started on a really low dose.

hotcrosshunny Tue 01-Apr-14 22:40:33

I'm thinking about asking for more flexible working to help ie one day working from home. Part of my issue is that I feel guilty leaving the DCs when I go to work in a job I hate. There's no let up as we need my salary as DH took a large pay cut which has meant we now have debts <sigh>

I lack the energy to do anything.

ToothpickCharlie Tue 01-Apr-14 23:10:55

Sounds like there are a few of us dreading work tomorrow. I've got a tough day ahead so I really have to come out fighting but I feel like running away. It's draining having to put a brave front on all the time - someone said something kind to me today and it took all my resolve not to burst into tears.

Trying to be constructive tonight - about to listen to meditation tape. It might not sound like it but I am better than I was as at least I don't have panic attacks anymore.

Thanks for the support on this thread - it really does help (was a lurker before I joined in).

kazzawazzawoo Wed 02-Apr-14 08:11:30

What meditation cd do you use Toothpick? Hope it helps a bit.

Good luck, Hotcross, hope they agree to the day at home.

TheReluctantCountess Wed 02-Apr-14 08:19:44

Me. I will try to post some more later.m

Hi all
Wishing everyone a survivable day at work. I am here already and it's ok so far.

Kazza- hope today is ok. Stick to your migraine story and ignore them. Hard to do, easy to say I know.

Hot cross -hope that the flexi request goes ok.

Toothpick. Glad you have joined us. smile

Hi the reluctant

HarrietVaneAgain Wed 02-Apr-14 09:18:01

Hello again. Sorry to hear more people have issues like this. I personally think these kind of problems are amplified because everything is so relentless. I had the DSs in bed with me from about 1am. DH fecked off to sleep in spare room on a different floor I suggested I'd be the one to go but he said he really needed the sleep. Not sure what he thinks I exist on! I'm knackered. They writhed around all night and at one time the youngest pivoted himself to hang half off the bed and stuck there muttering 'helf helf' while still half asleep. Nights like these lead me down a dark path thoughts-wise and I lay there imagining horrible things involving busy roads etc. the lack of rest has a huge affect on my mental well-being.

Oh well back to back meetings and interviews and performance reviews today. For the first time every I'm dreading my own end of year. I know I've done a pretty poor job this last few months and let everyone down.


Sorry to hear of your rough night. I know that feeling of darkness causes by sleep deprivation very well. It's almost worse when you know your other half is snoring elsewhere !

Please share your thoughts of busy roads here if you need. I am having such thoughts constantly and it's hellish to keep inside.

Re performance. I'm also worried about this which is why I told work and HR. I am hoping to be given some slack on this basis as I know I can do better. Otherwise I will be shafted in my year end review.
Can you talk to work to be honest ? I have a huge company so it's relatively easy with lots of precedents set

hidingfromhousework Wed 02-Apr-14 10:19:23

I came on here today because I feel like I am falling to pieces. I am so glad I found this thread. I feel like I am really struggling with everything at the moment. I have made so many mistakes at work over the last few months because I cant think in a rational manner half the time. My two small boys are a blessing but they run me ragged. I have a lovely dp who has put up with me when I have been pretty ill and didnt have the insight to see. I too have seriously thought about just walking out the door. Sorry if thats just self pitying rambling.

Hi hiding. Welcome to the not so glamorous club. I am sorry you feel this way too.

Has anything particular happened to make you feel worse today ?

None of this is considered self indulgent. Essential is the key phrase for me!

flipwit Wed 02-Apr-14 12:43:56

me too. feeling so pathetically sorry for myself at the moment and worried about losing it in front of the kids. 3 dc, work 3 days a week and tbh it was almost easier full time as I didn't have any time to spend with myself and my horrible thoughts. sad
I was once full of potential, now am ruining my kids, have issues in my marriage which is hanging by a thread and am falling way behind in a job which doesn't interest me one bit. I don't recognise my face, I scream at the kids and I have no-one I can talk to. my mum would get all worried and the few friends I have would be all judgemental (issues involve abortion so not easy to talk about).
If I didn't have the kids I would just drive and drive and not stop.
sorry to be so down and all about me. a particularly bad day. DH won't help as he knows he is part of the problem. just feel so unloved and kids don't respect me. urgh. just writing this so i don't end up crying at my desk thanks to everyone else

hidingfromhousework Wed 02-Apr-14 14:33:22

[Thanks] to everyone else thats having a bad day.
I used to love my job but now that I only work part time I feel a bit out of the loop. I work a different shift to most. Because I've been struggling with my mood over the winter I've been really scatty and disorganised and have made loads of mistakes. Now it feels like my work relationships are shot because I'm incompetent. Cant imagine telling my work that I'm ill and I dont get sick pay so time off is risky.
I sometimes feel like I'm trying to spin plates and failinghorribly. Work, house, children, partner Is a horrible juggling act.

hidingfromhousework Wed 02-Apr-14 14:39:30

No flowers?
I know what you mean about time to think Flipwit. I used to love getting out of the house to go to work. Its the hardest thing in the world to talk about in rl I think. To not feel like I'm being self pitying or something. Its a relief to know that there are others out there that feel the same, even though its a shame that there are.

kazzawazzawoo Wed 02-Apr-14 18:16:26

Welcome to the newcomers smile

I agree, I don't feel I can talk to anyone. Dh always tells me he's worse off. Mum would worry too much. I have few friends I can speak to and one also competes, always saying, ah, but at least you're not a lone parent - sometimes I wish I was! (I'm not sure I mean that ... But sometimes dh feels like a fourth child - in fact, all the time).

Well, I got through today, although my boss was fairly awful this morning, but I think I was feeling sensitive and also incompetent, as it all felt too much. On the plus side I did sleep last night, although woke a few times, I've felt better physically today, not many side effects from the sertraline, just a headache.

It's great to be able to talk freely here and support each other.

kazzawazzawoo Wed 02-Apr-14 18:18:43

I have put in for holiday the week before Easter and had it approved, which feels like a huge relief - only have to work Easter Saturday morning.

howdiditgetthisbad Wed 02-Apr-14 19:36:01

I took a day off today and worked in my garden all day. DC were at nursery and I dug and dug until I thought my arms would fall off. Barely spoke to anyone all day except for the neighbour offering advice on growibg cabbages.

And yet I still find everything which is going on around me overwhelming. It was nice though if only for a while.

kazzawazzawoo Wed 02-Apr-14 19:48:27

Howdidit, hope your baby is better? glad you had a day off work. it helps to have some peace and quiet doesn't it,

sherbetpips Wed 02-Apr-14 20:05:13

I had a breakdown over 2 years ago now and if it taught me one thing it was that I cannot make everything perfect. I was killing myself trying to be the perfect parent, the perfect ambitious employee, the perfect wife. I drove to work every day in floods of tears and often considered crashing the car so it could all stop. The only thing that stopped me was worrying someone else would get hurt. I had a little wobble a few weeks ago, I started shaking and felt exhausted and overwhelmed again. I hadn't slept for a few weeks again (always a trigger for me, worrying about work all night). So I reset things to my mindset after the breakdown. A good effort is good enough, perfect is not required. Other people screw up all the time and get away with it. Plus I do not have to be happy for everyone, let them make there own cheerful! You have to ease off yourself and appreciate everything you are doing. Recognise and praise yourself for the effort you put in, rather then berating yourself for what you (and only you) see as your failings.

hotcrosshunny Wed 02-Apr-14 20:15:36

Work today was fine. I find myself feeling schizophrenic - I put on a front but hate it inside. This is draining. I was in a meeting getting negative feedback and had to squash the urge to cry. My job sucks.

sherbetpips I recognised the perfection. I am trying to be perfect and it isn't working. What did you do to get through?

hotcrosshunny Wed 02-Apr-14 20:16:13

Just realised how messed up my post sounds. Work is either fine or not right!? I just don't know anymore.

kazzawazzawoo Wed 02-Apr-14 20:38:32

I too was on the verge of tears when my manager criticised how I handled a call today. It wasn't a terrible mistake, but I didn't feel strong enough to be criticised.

I am a perfectionist too. I am never happy with anything short of perfect and spend many, many nights running through things I have done and how I could have done them differently.

CovertOps Wed 02-Apr-14 22:49:35

mind if I curl up in the corner?
I am puzzled why I feel such overwhelming sadness today. Had 15 years of clinical depression, ten years of therapy, and now aged 40, generally feel if not 'sorted' able to fake it most days, even to myself. But I'm panicked that maybe it's all a facade and nothing has really changed underneath. I feel the most awful upwelling of sadness, loneliness, despair and futility today. I work to hard to appear a chipper, cheerful mum but inside right now I am crumbling.
Today I had to attend an event at my DD1's school and I felt numb and a bit deaf, like I was standing behind a pane of glass. Normally I can direct myself into making the right noises to a teacher or fellow parent, a fake bubbly, smiley persona, but today I just felt dislocated and couldn't get any words out. I felt totally out of step, and more worrying to myself, I could;t be bothered to make the effort. As if it no longer matters. I can't allow myself to slide. High functioning, ruthless self discipline is what propels me on, otherwise I would be tempted to kill myself just for some rest and peace from the crushing sadness.
I have no idea what the trigger is. Or what the source of sadness is. DH lovely, DC lovely, sun is shining, but somehow I feel like I've fallen back off the cliff edge and am currently in free fall.

kazzawazzawoo Wed 02-Apr-14 22:55:38

Covert, nice to see you.

Sorry things aren't too good at the moment. Sometimes I think there is no one trigger, just a feeling things are too much.

CovertOps Wed 02-Apr-14 22:56:07

a question, my therapist thinks group therapy might be of help to me. I think I'd rather have my teeth pulled without anaesthetic. Has anyone engaged with group therapy and found it helpful? I live in a small town and the idea of accidentally being 'known' to someone in such a group who also happened to be in my regular life, terrifies me.

CovertOps Wed 02-Apr-14 23:03:44

kazza, thank you for the kind welcome. yes, I fear it is an accumulation of 'small DC stress' (every day a nag/battle/mini rant about something), physical exhaustion (never any break from work/DC ever in ten years of being a parent, NC with entire toxic family of origin) and an event from 25 years ago which I was suddenly reminded of yesterday, very viscerally.

Plus all the effort of pretending to be like everyone else, parenting when i had sod all parenting myself except of a very abusive kind, in truth to be half way normal I am constantly calibrating my behaviour in my head, coaching myself, processing twinges of wanting to burst into tears at perceived rejection or criticism, assessing myself - am i being too taciturn? too chatty..... This is what I've had therapy for..why can't it just all work on auto pilot now? why is it such a sodding struggle still to, you know, function normally on a daily basis, just sail along.
I want to wave a white flag and crawl into a cave and just hibernate for a while. There is no pause button, I have to keep going, but the wheels are coming off in spite of my very best efforts...

kazzawazzawoo Wed 02-Apr-14 23:29:32

It's hard when you can't take time off hmm My parents used to go on holiday every year and leave me with my grandparents, but they have only taken my dd once when we had four days honeymoon seven years ago. Mil too far away and never offers help anyway. No one nearby to babysit.

I don't feel like I know how to parent, especially as they get older and I constantly worry about things like anorexia, their self esteem etc., it's very scary!

When my marriage broke up I went through horrible times, was forced to make hasty decisions that turned out to be wrong and will haunt me for the rest of my life. I can't shake them and can't forgive myself for making those decisions and the effect they had on my children and often see things on tv/read things that remind me of this and I fall into the abyss again. I can't bear the thought of living with this all my life, but can't turn back time and change things.

I find it very worrying how detached I sometimes feel these days. Then suddenly I realise I haven't been paying as much attention to ydd as I should, just because there are so many demands on my time, I don't feel I can do it anymore.

I love my children so much, but am also jealous of childless friends who spend all their money and time on holidays.

Sorry, none of this helps, just wanted to say I understand.

And now I'll shut up - feel like I'm taking over the thread hmm Sorry.

CovertOps Wed 02-Apr-14 23:47:24

Thank you again kazza, your words have just helped something click into place for me. The trigger to do with 25 years ago is a massive regret, a major, life changing mistake, and I cannot go back in time to rectify matters. The core feeling I am drowning in right now is - grief. Terrible overwhelming grief.
My therapist, who is great, says all the correct things about appreciating the Now, focus on what I do have in life, my potential for new experiences, turn the negative feelings around and use their energy to positive ends.....and I try , I really do try, all the bloody time. I am a Good Girl who diligently does her home work. But none of it makes the grief go away, none of it. It's still lurking and on days like today It threatens to suck me under for good.
Thanks for listening. UnMNet hugs to you and others on this thread

kazzawazzawoo Wed 02-Apr-14 23:54:32

Hugs to you too. I don't know how we can get over these experiences a long time ago. It's so easy for therapists to say, move on, forgive yourself, live for today, you cannot change the past. I don't know how to make this happen either. I have tried so hard, but there are memories I can't allow into my head, they are so hard to live with.

I don't know if it would help, or maybe you've already tried, but could you try writing everything down about the situation you are grieving over, all your memories, all your thoughts, all your feelings? Maybe we do need to accept it happened and let it all out in order to start to get over it.

Time for bed for me, I think. Good night all.

ToothpickCharlie Thu 03-Apr-14 01:23:45

Too tired to fully update (have just finished working, and I'm not a shift worker) but just wanted to say so much of this resonates.

Kazza - the meditation CD I use came with the Mindfulness book by Mark Williams (recommended on another thread by a mumsnetter). It really does help me. I woke up at 4 yesterday morning, put the CD on and was able to get back to sleep for 2 more hours. That's made a big difference to me as previously I would've been up drinking tea and worrying.


kazzawazzawoo Thu 03-Apr-14 08:47:11

Toothpick, thanks, I'll look out for that.

I've laid awake half the night, thinking about all the rubbish things that have happened over the years. I couldn't get back to sleep. For some reason, and I don't know why, I find it impossible to get up in the night if I can't sleep, I'm scared of waking dh. I don't even put the light on or listen to music or anything as I'm worried that any movement will disturb him. It's not that he's ever got annoyed, he's not really that type of person, I just seem to be this pathetic person who is scared to do anything hmm I often wish I had my own bedroom, I'd read in the night then or listen to relaxation CDs.

Hello and welcome to all the newbies

Grab a seat on the virtual sofa and grab a cup of tea

Kazza- it must be exhausting having a H who is competitive about it. he is receptive to a discussion about helping each other given the mutual understanding? Glad the holiday was approved.
but sorry about the criticism from manager. Did you feel it was unjustified?

Howdid- gardening day sounds lovely. I love solitude too- shame it cant be like that most of the time

Sherbet- thanks for your story, Im often striving for perfection I think it cant be very healthy

Covert- please grab the sofa and have a lie down grin Im sorry you are feeling rubbish too. Ive not had group therapy but actually fancy it. I think it might give a network of support that is massively missing in my life.

Hi Toothpick

Things here are rumbling along. I had a really bad evening last night with little dc waking and needing cuddling late at night then a rubbish nights sleep- think I was waiting to be woken again. This morning I felt very dark with lots of thoughts of escape. I am having online therapy which is actually more helpful than it sounds. Had that first thing today and it was helpful. Therapist has made me promise to visit GP again to share the suicidal thoughts and to get meds reviewed so doing that next week.

Today I have found myself dreading my family holiday planned for summer hols. Its silly. Its ages away and it might be nice but Im just in a panic about the pressure and what hard work it will be. I just cant face the thought of it right now. Feel so bad for the family for feeling like this.

kazzawazzawoo Thu 03-Apr-14 16:36:27

Sheis, there's a lot of pressure for the holidays to be perfect, isn't there? I must admit I'd like a week alone when I have my time off, instead dh, ydd and ds will be at home all the time. I'm going to try and make some time for myself though, but not convinced it will happen.

Dh doesn't do "talking" at all. If I talk feelings, he shuts up usually. I haven't even told him I've started taking the sertraline, as he thought I shouldn't, that I'd be better without them, but I've realised anxiety about everything is ruling my life and I can't carry on like this. So I pretend everything is fine, because last time we talked he made it quite clear he has enough on his plate, and can't cope with my problems. He must be fed up of hearing about them after all these years. I'm not sure it's a healthy basis for a relationship, but can't even think about it at the moment. I want things re his work and our financial situation to get back to normal and to get to grips with my depression and anxiety first, then I'll see what we've got.

kazzawazzawoo Thu 03-Apr-14 16:59:00

No, I didn't feel the criticism from my manager was unjustified, but equally it wasn't a huge error either. But to put me straight in front of my colleagues wasn't fair. I also don't handle criticism well anyway, especially when I'm feeling as sensitive as I was on Wednesday. In an ideal world I'd be taking a few weeks off til I feel a but better, but it's not possible.

Today I feel bad, because they tried to call me this morning - on my day off - and I didn't pick up. Too scared that perhaps one of my colleagues would be off ill again and they would want me in immediately, as that happened a week and a bit ago. It was at the time a bad reaction to some medication she'd been prescribed. She stopped the medication after a week and quickly recovered. Now she's been told she has to start the medication again, so it's only a matter of time until she's off again and I can't cope with the thought of doing her work as well as mine, when I'm struggling to cope with my own workload.

Criticising you in front of colleagues isn't on. That's awful.
Glad you didn't pick up the phone today. Good for you for protecting your time.

I'm really ashamed to say that I'm not coping with my 17month old. She is getting tantrumy which is fine as they are over quite quick but the cry whining is killing me. All evening since I got home she's been at it. I know it's the witching hour but it's so hard and everything is a fight (getting her dried And dressed after her bath is good example). Love her so much but find her so hard.

kazzawazzawoo Thu 03-Apr-14 19:23:03

It's so difficult when they're that age. Can you and dh take it in turns to take care of her for that difficult time, so the other person can get on with something else? eg my dh used to take ydd out in the pushchair for a long walk or drive in the car a bit when I'd had enough. or give her her bath.

I'm dreading going to work tomorrow and also am so tired.

Can you try and get an early night? Not easy if you lie there tossing and turning though.

If I told DH that I needed him to take over because I couldn't cope, I get a bad response. I'm expected to be bright and breezy regardless of stress or sleep deprivation.

kazzawazzawoo Thu 03-Apr-14 19:51:59

That's a pity that dh won't help.

I do fancy an early night, but suspect i will wake in the early hours and not be able to go back to sleep.

BluebellTuesday Thu 03-Apr-14 23:09:06

Hi, not sure about joining this thread or not, I am coping okay at the moment as I have switched to working at home two days a week, but I recognise what you are saying from the end of my marriage, when I had 2 hr a day commute, baby dc, no sleep, no support, demanding job, the house to run, I understood why people committed suicide. Horrible, horrible place to be. I was always supposed to be cheerful as well.

That was nearly a year and a half ago; marriage didn't survive, very messy on-going separation, but I feel like I have begun to recover something of myself. The period when dc are small and you are trying to keep up professionally is brutal. And then, if you don't have support, it is harder still. I think I am hiding, really, with my working at home, but it is the only way I can cope. I am exhausted, really, but I am not doing as much as before.

Anyway, I read the thread, so I thought I would say hi.

BluebellTuesday Thu 03-Apr-14 23:10:38

Sorry, that was a bit of an imposition, all about me post.Sorry, am tired.

Hi bluebell
Thanks for posting. I'm sorry that you have and do feel like this. I'm glad you are reviving in some way.In some ways I find your words reassuring- the fact that work + small kids+ marriage + no support is brutal.
Personally my perfectionist tendencies make me assume it should be easy yet I cannot do it all.

My DH does his share at home of physical stuff. I do the thinking/ planning re kids plus we have a nanny. I just need the emotional support and understanding that I find things hard.

We had chat last night about a nice thing I will be doing. I said I was anxious about getting all the logistics sorted to enable me to do it. He was really agitated by the idea that I was anxious about nice plans. It's so black and white to him. Sigh

How do you find the additional burden of being a single parent and the messy fall out vs how things were? Glad that working at home helps you. It's a help to not have to face the world sometimes isn't it.

Kazza- I hope work goes ok today and you managed to get some sleep

Update us on how it's going when you can. X

BluebellTuesday Fri 04-Apr-14 13:40:11

Hi Sheis,

I think the problem is no-one really tells you how hard it is. Or that it still mostly falls to women when children come along, to organise and do things. And you are a successful, professional woman precisely because you do do things to a high standard, and it is really hard, if not impossible, to keep that up in all aspects of your life with small children and little sleep.

My (separated) husband was away quite a lot of the time, and he would always ask me why I was tired. There was that level of not getting it; plus he wanted things a certain way when he was here, including my mood.

At the moment, it is hard to answer your last question. I certainly wouldn't go back to how things were, no, but the messy fall-out means that I am not really where I want to be either. I had a short period of thinking things were sorted, when it felt like an absolute weight off my shoulders, and then it became clear that they are not sorted,and I don't know how/when they will be. But I have done a lot of work in the last year on being okay and on spending time with DC, getting enough sleep regardless of the state of the house, seeing my friends, trying to focus on the bits of my job I enjoy, all these things which mean that I don't always have the horrendous fire-fighting feeling, and those feelings of just wanting to drive away and not come back. I am tentatively beginning to feel more comfortable in myself again. It is hard to know if that would have happened anyway.

andsmile Fri 04-Apr-14 14:52:00

Hello, I am a SAHP, two DC, one toddler. I clicked on the thread to ead about this idea of 'functioning' that's all I feel I do, function - I do the bare minimum to get by each day. My self esteem is shot. But I can get dressed, put on a face, rabbit away to people.

Inside i feel shrivelled with guilt, frozen by my negativity.

When I had PND in never used medication. I had counselling and used self help strategies. Ive bobboed along ever since. I never feel 'normal' I'm so self aware its unreal and terribly sensitive.

andsmile Fri 04-Apr-14 14:53:51

She I have a nice thing planned this weekend. Im consantly going through my head what I need to do to get ready and go. The thought of getting ready, I really feel like I want to just cancel.

kazzawazzawoo Fri 04-Apr-14 14:54:42

Hope everyone is coping today?

I had a better night last night, slept well, although I still feel exhausted. I seem to be getting on ok with the half dose of sertraline, side effects are minimal.

Tomorrow is ydd's birthday and three of her friends are sleeping over tomorrow night, this would normally send me into a panic. I'm going to try to stay calm blush

kazzawazzawoo Fri 04-Apr-14 14:58:36

Andsmile, it dawned on me the other night whilst reflecting on my life that I can't remember when I last looked forward to going out for that very reason. I get in such a panic beforehand, I always want to cancel. I think it's because a few times on a night out and on holiday I've felt really ill (due to anxiety too I think), so now I worry it'll happen again. Consequently I can't be spontaneous and dh thinks I'm a real killjoy, never up for anything. I hate being like this hmm

andsmile Fri 04-Apr-14 15:04:51

Ive just sent a bit of rant to my DH about tomorrow night - It's not right to be sitting here trying to think of excuses to get out of going.

I always think it m ust be because Im a lazy cow with bad self indulgent habits - chocolate, wine lack of gym. I need to sort myself out.

andsmile Fri 04-Apr-14 15:06:26

kaaza it only takes one bad experience for the association to form. I used to live with somone who had severe anxiety and couldnt go out at times.

I feel guilty all the time, im sure somoene will knock on the door oneday and tell me off for wasting mylife and not living it correctly.

kazzawazzawoo Fri 04-Apr-14 15:21:11

I used to struggle to leave the house, didn't answer the door or phone. I kicked myself up the bum, had some counselling, eventually got a job. Now I find it creeping back and it's interfering with my work. I can't afford to lose my job and have to improve things.

I hope you manage to enjoy your outing.

andsmile Fri 04-Apr-14 16:11:39

I go out ok but find creeping anxiety around social stuff. I know this is related to something that happended last year that i cant seem to let go of. I know I need to speak to someone. I feel I have so much stuff going on in my mind I dont know who I am or where to start. I know I am in here, even the ballsy part that is outgoing, confident.

Thanks for the well wishes kazza do you think you will go back to counselling? I keep trying to tell myself nothing bad is happening...and repeat repeat...

Hi everyone. Sorry for quick post. I just need to share this.

I'm home from work and waiting to go into the house to do nanny handover and I'm massively fearful and panicky.

I'm dreading it. It's crazy. My poor kids. I'd rather be on my own somewhere or away altogether.

Will post more later and catchup with everyone.

rabbitsteeth Fri 04-Apr-14 17:57:50

I had postnatal depression 16 years ago and still on the AD's for depression and anxiety. Was diagnosed with a Panic Disorder and then General Anxiety Disorder. I find beta blockers a great help for anxiety and had lots of counselling and CBT. Recently had more counselling call CAT as much to my surprise was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder Traits! Never been so insulted! Had never heard of it so it was really traumatic! At least I got the right therapy though and support. I don't work now which helps as I find social situations difficult. Also my children are older which is easier. I think the right medication and support and giving yourself a break is vital and accepting you have it and not thinking its your fault really helps.

I am relieved I am not the only person who appears normal and has all these difficulties! Sorry all of you are having a bad time. It does improve a bit with age and less stress as children get older.

Wish I knew anyone else who has BPD traits!

chocohontas Fri 04-Apr-14 18:11:00

I just wanted to add another 'it does get better' message.
Your OP described me a few years ago. On the surface very high functioning with senior job - which I did need to take a break from at one stage plus medication.
I honestly couldnt see an end to it but life has moved on. I do still take a very low dose AD (possibly for life ?) and I'm fearful of blips which do sometimes come back and bite me but generally Im happy and feel blessed.
I tried to think of way of dealing with it as a basket full of things rather than one cure-all.
So not just medication but relaxation exercises, plenty of sleep,cbt, decent diet, being kind to myself, gentle exercise etc etc
And things do get easier when children get older.

chocohontas Fri 04-Apr-14 18:13:07

oh - and forget 'perfection' / ' doing it all' etc etc.

I really had to change my mantra to 'good enough'. Honestly - its really liberating.

kazzawazzawoo Fri 04-Apr-14 18:23:13

Sorry you're struggling Sheis. Do you think anything in particular has set it off? Is there any way of getting five mins to yourself, putting the children in front of the tv or something, just so you can grab a cup of tea and gather yourself?

rabbitsteeth Fri 04-Apr-14 18:24:28

I agree chocohontas. I was told that lots of small things help. I do all the things you mention too. I agree with good enough and thats my life now too.

kazzawazzawoo Fri 04-Apr-14 18:30:30

I agree, choco, I can't imagine how I would cope now if my dc were tiny. Youngest is 12, so at least I get sleep at night!

Settling for good enough instead of perfection is difficult, how do you learn how to do that?

kazzawazzawoo Fri 04-Apr-14 19:11:22

I would like to do meditation, yoga, relaxation etc., but find it difficult to find time to myself with dh at home all the time. Hopefully he'll find a job soon and I'll have time to myself again.

kazzawazzawoo Fri 04-Apr-14 19:19:44

Andsmile, I would like to have more counselling, but they're not quick to offer it around here. I saw last time a nurse, who was a step before proper counselling. He was a nice guy, but didn't really understand. I often said I was ok, because I couldn't explain why I felt the way I did. He basically just told me not to be anxious, and it's just not as simple as that. Not sure if I could talk openly to anyone though or if it would help even. I've never been confident, but now I don't know how to be me or anything other than panicky and anxious.

hotcrosshunny Fri 04-Apr-14 19:45:57

How's everyone today?

I had the day off which was nice but work was still there in the background. I feel ill at the thought of Monday. Talking to the other mums most of whom are stay at home made me envy as they're at the stage where the DC are at school/preschool so they tell me it gets easier <sigh>

There's too much and my head wants to explode.

chocohontas Fri 04-Apr-14 20:00:04

kazza I'm a real 100% person - typical 'a' type personality. I knew there was no chance of changing that completely so just tried to move things to 80/20. Even a small shift makes a difference and feels more manageable.

Re the yoga etc - I've also never had time to fit it in so when I need to I do breathing exercises in bed when I wake up - just before I go to sleep (there are loads on YouTube.)

ToothpickCharlie Fri 04-Apr-14 23:37:01

How are you feeling now Sheis?

Beanie456 Sat 05-Apr-14 09:07:31

Hi, can I join the chat on here as well, please? This situation really resonates with me.

I have stupidly overshared some stuff with a work colleague and they have suggested I might be depressed. I've never really thought of myself as depressed.

I have these big suicidal thoughts but I would never actually act on them, I couldn't leave my children without a mother, so I don't consider myself suicidal. And I go through life at the moment, work life particularly, in this fog of fear and anxiety but although I feel like I am walking a tightrope that anytime I could fall off, I just keep going, just keep coping, keep trying to fight off the feelings. So long as I keep getting up in the morning, keep caring for my family, keep going to work, I feel fraudulent to claim to be depressed.

I've realised two things from the shock I have caused. Firstly that I am clearly outwardly appearing to be coping better than I thought. I thought it was really obvious how much I was struggling. Secondly that my view of normal might be completely out of kilter.

I am sorry that you are all going through this but I am also glad to find other people out there feeling the same way as me.

rabbitsteeth Sat 05-Apr-14 10:38:37

Hello Beanie. Suicidal thoughts are fairly common when people are depressed. Even a bit depressed. It doesn't mean you will act on them unless you are actually making a plan. That being said it is a warning sign of depression and you should definitely go to your GP. Even offloading and talking to him/her should help. One if four people have some sort of mental health problem so its nothing to be ashamed of. The Dr could refer you for some counselling or offer antidepressants. They are non addictive and can be taken for say six months to a year and could really help which is the most important thing.

People don't notice from the outside. I get up put my makeup on, look after my family etc and mostly appear normal lol! But I have Anxiety Disorder and Depression which is treated etc. Getting a combination of talking and drug therapy and then looking at ways you can help yourself is the best option. E.g. relaxation cd, nice hot baths, bit of time to yourself, a friend to confide in etc. Acceptance of yourself and your limits.

All the best.

HarrietVaneAgain Sat 05-Apr-14 11:08:56

The things is I am and always have been an 80/20 girl. Certainly no one has ever accused me of having high standards but I do like to think I'm being a good mother and providing vfm at work and I don't feel either of those things are happening at the moment.

Sheis I really hope you are okay.

chocohontas Sat 05-Apr-14 12:38:32

Harriet You might think you are not necessarily putting yourself under enormous pressure but I just looked back at your earlier post and you said: 'Oh well back to back meetings and interviews and performance reviews today' .... all after very little sleep.
That is a LOT to deal with smile. Give yourself a break .... even if its just by telling yourself 'actually Ive got a very busy job at the same time as trying to be the best mum I can be to little ones.' thanks

monicalewinski Sat 05-Apr-14 15:44:22

Hi, I posted earlier on in the thread but keep popping back to read (nothing worthy to add!).

Just wanted to pick up on a comment beanie made though about feeling 'fraudulent to claim to be depressed' - I think that's quite a theme on this thread - because we put our make-up on, do well at work, are 'on top' of housework etc we are clearly not depressed to the rest of the world, yet in our heads we're constantly fighting to hold on tightly to the veneer and keep the illusion in place. It's exhausting.

There's a lot of us the same, but we don't see it in real life, because other people are putting on the front too - only the vocal depressed and those who fit the standard mould are seen, there's so many of us who are invisibly walking beanie's tightrope.

kazzawazzawoo Sat 05-Apr-14 20:37:44

Totally agree monica and beanie, I feel the same, because I haven't taken to my bed, but continued to "function", forcing myself to work, cook etc. (I'm not on top of the housework though!), I feel I can't call myself depressed, yet am struggling to carry on and don't want to feel like this anymore.

Hope you are all ok. It's my ydd's birthday today, I currently have four 12/13 year olds upstairs. Feeling very anxious. Also very tired as we were late finishing getting the birthday cake ready last night and hence late to bed and up early this morning with the birthday girl.

ToothpickCharlie Sat 05-Apr-14 22:27:53

I don't envy you tonight Kazza - I have my own lovely 12 year old. Hope your DD had a lovely birthday.

Really liked choco's idea of a basket full of things to help rather than a cure all. That has certainly been the case for me and its definitely worth trying different things.

kazzawazzawoo Sat 05-Apr-14 22:41:09

Yes they are rather over excited. I just hope they go to sleep at some point..

chocohontas Sun 06-Apr-14 09:24:35

I've had both 'types' of depression/anxiety.
The total close down of normality where any pretence about being capable of carrying on is impossible : indescribable really. By far the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

But then the grinding difficulty of still functioning while facing horrible thoughts / exhaustion/ overwhelming anxiety is as much of a challenge really. So even if you decide not to 'go public' and tell people - give yourself a break by telling yourself that just by keeping going you are achieving a huge amount.

angelsfeet Sun 06-Apr-14 12:33:06

Am new on here so not sure how things work. Glad I am not the only one. I have Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder in remission and Panic Disorder. All stem from childhood. Had post natal depression 16 years ago. Recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder Traits.

Appreciate any people to chat too.

Beanie456 Sun 06-Apr-14 17:33:28

Chocohontas, do you mind me asking if you have had the two different types at different times or if you have progressed from one to the other?

Ghostsdonttalk Sun 06-Apr-14 17:38:54

Very low Vit D can cause you to feel like this. It is worth getting your blood level checked. It might not be the whole story but possibly a contributing factor.

BluebellTuesday Sun 06-Apr-14 19:51:31

Agree on the vitamin D, a colleague mentioned this to me. I have been taking this as well as a multivit and iron. The dr said there was no point doing bloods as my tiredness and struggling was 'situational'. Same re medication, though I did get given Valium when I was anxious (understatement!) during very hostile separation.

kazzawazzawoo Sun 06-Apr-14 20:23:49

What does lack of vitamin D cause? Can it lead to depression?

I do take vitamin D supplements however.

I've survived the weekend with dd's friends sleeping over. They were well behaved, if a little over excited. I put earplugs in last night and slept well. Still tired though. Early night for me!

chocohontas Sun 06-Apr-14 20:29:45

beanie - separate times (rather than one leading to the other.)
Happy to answer any questions.

ToothpickCharlie Sun 06-Apr-14 21:51:16

Thank you everyone for sharing experiences - sorry to hear what people are going/have gone through but makes me feel less alone. I'm on week 4 of my CBT sessions and week 2 of the Mindfulness program and am feeling better able to cope. The key thing for me has been not to suppress my negative thoughts (which then bubble up anyway into panic) and to see them in a more disassociated way as thoughts not facts. It has taken practice but it has calmed down the constant snowballing/racing of thoughts. Not 'cured' as such but feel I'm on my way to feeling better and more in control.

Welcome angelsfeet. You'll find lots of support and chat here.

Ghostsdonttalk Sun 06-Apr-14 22:24:22

Low Vit D can cause depression and research currently ongoing into a possible link with suicide.

You need to take about 4000 units a day to correct serious deficiency. Thats a lot more than the 400units in the normal multivitamins you can buy.

Ghostsdonttalk Sun 06-Apr-14 22:50:38
Ghostsdonttalk Sun 06-Apr-14 22:54:10
BluebellTuesday Sun 06-Apr-14 23:03:08

My vit D supplement has got 10 ug, not a u but a funny symbol, and my multivit has got 5 ugs, what does that equate to? It says 200 and 100% of the RDa respectively.

I have to say, with that and the iron, and walking 3 times a week (would like to do more exercise but struggle for time), I notice some bit of difference.

Going to read your links, thanks.

toothpick, interested to hear about the mindfulness,it is something I have been thinking about

Ghostsdonttalk Sun 06-Apr-14 23:31:48

The funny u is a microgram symbol. 4000 units is 100micrograms. Recomended daily intake is the amount you use up each day. If you put that amount in and then use it up your level stays the same. However if you are already deficient your level won't go up.

The safe upper limit is the amount you can safely take each day without your level getting too high. For Vitamin D its 4000 units or 100 ug (micrograms).

BluebellTuesday Mon 07-Apr-14 07:43:11

Thank you thanks

kazzawazzawoo Mon 07-Apr-14 13:12:05

Sheis, hope you're ok?

Birthday weekend over now, I'm shattered, looking forward to an early night tonight. Tomorrow I'm going to increase my meds, feeling nervous.

ToothpickCharlie Mon 07-Apr-14 23:31:19

Hope you get a good nights sleep and all goes well tomorrow Kazza.

I've had an awful day at work today but the good news is that I coped and although I'm not happy about it I'm not torturing myself. That is real progress for me.

kazzawazzawoo Tue 08-Apr-14 11:29:26

Well done for coping at work Toothpick, hope today is better.

I slept really well last night and have taken a whole tablet today, so fingers crossed. I don't work Tuesdays so can go to bed if side effects kick in, but have to be ok tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Hope everyone is ok?

Hi Everyone, sorry for the silence.
I actually did a post earlier but it got eaten up by cyberspace angry

Anyway- last week was really dire for me, so much suicidal stuff in my head. Weekend was better thank goodness as it was busy and things seemed generally better.

Went to GP though to update on meds etc and it was a new person who diagnosed Post Natal OCD as well as PND. This was due to the compulsive nature of my thoughts and actions. Its not in a handwashing/ touching/ ritual kind of way.

It has meant more sertraline and if that doesn't work she mentioned anti psychotic medication... Really not sure what to make of all this.

How is every one? I need to read everyones updates.

She is. xx

kazzawazzawoo Wed 09-Apr-14 22:21:39

Sheis, good to hear from you. Sorry you've been struggling. Glad you went to see your doctor though, you did the right thing. Did you realise there was an element of ocd? I hope the meds will help.

Today hasn't been great, feel a bit rough, which i think may be down to increasing my AD dose.

Hi Kazza- good to hear that you felt able to increase the meds. Are you now on 50?

Im also in side effect zone as I increase to 150.. v weird.

How is everyone else?

HarrietVaneAgain Fri 11-Apr-14 08:39:10

Good to see you back Sheis, glad you are okay. Have you got some 'talking cure' type stuff in the pipeline too? CBT was very helpful for me to deal with intrusive thoughts. It was a bit of a mix of looking at the thought patterns and behaviours I had built up and the childhood/relationship issues that had contributed to that. I'd really recommend it. I wouldn't say those problems are under control now but they are immeasurably better than a year ago and only a big problem when I am tired and stressed. Unfortunately that's more than I would like.

Thanks for you kind words Choco. My projects coming to an end at work so I will be less busy, however my boss wants me to take on a really dull low-key low-skill project, which given my performance is probably no less than I deserve. I'm torn between riding it out and focussing on the kids and I hope things will be better in a year and worry that I will lose very shred of my diminishing self-confidence if I take this on.

kazzawazzawoo Fri 11-Apr-14 13:42:05

Yes I'm now on 50mg and still feeling the side effects, slightly upset tum, but coping. Just wish I could sleep better smile But I have next week off, looking forward to not rushing around.

kazzawazzawoo Fri 11-Apr-14 18:16:28

I did something really stupid at work today. I'm no good at small talk, it makes me nervous, and we were talking as we were leaving the office about the boss staying behind late, and I made a stupid comment about whether he could remember the alarm code when locking up, forgetting that we were directly below his window and he would hear everything It was just a clumsy attempt to join in the conversation, I feel so stupid.

Luckily I won't see him until after Easter, as I'm on holiday next week. I do wish I could learn to keep my mouth shut. I will worry about that all night now sad

IloveJudgeJudy Fri 11-Apr-14 18:34:06

Have been lurking, but am reading the thread with interest/disquiet as I have a 17 yo DD who is suffering the same as many of you. She has anxiety and depression and nearly all of what you say applies to her - the inability to let go of things that happened to her/she did many years ago, the rethinking of past "mistakes", the unwillingness to answer the phone and not liking social situations. She also has suicidal thoughts and is being treated by CAMHS atm.

Her MH team and I have been trying to get her to "learn" Mindfulness and to watch her own thoughts going by in a detached way, as it were, as described above. She is not able to practise this anywhere near as much as she should atm unfortunately.

I hope you don't mind my joining in. The high functioning and perfectionism is also true of DD. Sometimes, though, in relation to schoolwork in particular, she finds it hard to even start a piece of work.

kazzawazzawoo Fri 11-Apr-14 20:43:43

I should add to my earlier post that I am not normally gossipy, my colleagues are always scathing of our boss, but they have worked with him a long time. I get on ok with him. It was such a stupid comment. I feel terrible sad

kazzawazzawoo Fri 11-Apr-14 20:49:52

Hi ILove, sorry to hear your dd is struggling in this way too sad

The reluctance to answer the phone cropped up on another thread too. This is something I struggle with a lot; at work I am on the phone all day, it's a huge struggle on a bad day. At home I hate using the phone and avoid it as often as possible. I'm like that about driving too, I only drive locally.

inthewoods4 Wed 16-Apr-14 10:28:12

Hi everyone,
I definitley relate to the OP. I had PND after my DD was born 3 and a half years ago, I got over it and for 3 years I was very happy. But just after Christmas the depression hit me again like a sledge hammer. I'm back on anti-d's and I'v having CBT. I'm also working in a very high pressure job and I'm currently sitting here feeling anxious, light-headed and scared. My main problem is that I feel like I no longer love my DD. It's devastating because I worked so hard to build it after PND and for the last 3 years she's been my world, but now I'm scared of her - I feel trapped and worry that I'll feel like this forever. Can anyone relate? X

kazzawazzawoo Wed 16-Apr-14 20:21:23

sorry to hear that, Inthewoods. Life is very hard with small children. Have you spoken to your gp about your feelings?

Feeling really down today, well, for the last few days. So many things to worry about. I'm really worried, because I don't think I can return to work when my week off is up. I'm seeing my gp next Wednesday to discuss how I'm getting on with the anti depressants, I'll have a chat with her then.

inthewoods4 Wed 16-Apr-14 20:36:52

Hi, yes I've seen my Gp and I'm on citalopram and having cbt. I was doing quite well until I had a big blip last week and upped my dose to 30mg, and since I've been really anxious. I think my feelings are hiding under the depression as I do get glimmers of loving feelings, but then my anxiety takes over and I start to doubt myself again.
Try not to worry too much about work- I know it's not much help, but if you can't go back you can't go back. Your health comes first xxx

kazzawazzawoo Thu 17-Apr-14 21:24:17

Sorry just seen this.

I don't have the luxury of choosing not to go to work sad Dh has been out of work for ten months, he has just received a job offer, but the pay is so poor, we need my salary just to survive.

I can't take time off, it's a small office and we are extremely busy, my colleagues would hate me if I took sick leave.

inthewoods4 Thu 17-Apr-14 23:26:00

I totally understand, I was recently promoted, just as my depression/anxiety started and I was terrified of telling work the truth in case they didn't think I could cope. So I forced myself in, even if I was sitting at my desk, head spinning. I took a week off in the end as I literally couldn't leave the sofa. But actually they've been supportive, but I still force myself in on bad days. I think this pressure makes things worse. When I first was ill 3 years ago I was on maternity leave so didn't have to worry. It's so hard. X

kazzawazzawoo Thu 17-Apr-14 23:49:21

Yes, I've been working from home, until I started my current job a year ago. When I worked from home it didn't matter if I had an off day.

I need to get a grip and be able to work, hopefully the ads I started 2 weeks ago will help eventually.

kazzawazzawoo Thu 17-Apr-14 23:51:36

I'm glad work have been supportive smile I worry about what people would be saying behind my back. My boss isn't at all understanding.

inthewoods4 Fri 18-Apr-14 09:05:53

The ADs will work hun, two weeks is nothing! Don't worry, soon you'll see a big difference. And remember, this is an illness just like any other, everyone can get this, even your boss! I wish there wasn't such a stigma, it's so unfair. But you will be well again xxx

kazzawazzawoo Fri 18-Apr-14 13:23:32

We had some good news yesterday at last and today I feel a little more optimistic . Maybe I did just need some time off to rest too.

Hope everyone's ok.

bigkidsdidit Fri 18-Apr-14 21:24:29

I'm lurking.

I'm not depressed I don't think. But I'm finding daily life ever so hard sad

I have a 3yo and a 10 month old. I went back to work in the new year to a challenging job. I work 6.30 am - 3.30p, so I can see more of the DC. Up at 5.30, work all day (no lunch break), home, play, bath and bed. Then clean and packed lunches and bottles then bed. We are buying a house and as first time buyers the process is so involved. The mortgage company ring me daily and I hate the phone and I avoid emails (leaving them unread for days) and I am finding the whole process unbearable. I don't see my DC enough. And today my boss told me my last piece of work was sloppy. And he was right sad

Plus I've just passed my driving test which was great but I had an awful multiple stalling incident the other day when people behind me tooted and gesticulated and now driving home from work makes me shake and cry

I'm Teary and imagining terrible things. I spent most of today panicking ds2 would choke on the blueberries in his lunchbox.

I feel like I'm doing everything badly sad

DH is sympathetic. He just asked what one thing would help but I couldn't think k of a single thing. So he can't do much, can he.

Sorry for hijacking, I'm not suicidal or anywhere near so this might not be the thread for me but I've been watching it a while and finding it comforting.

monicalewinski Sat 19-Apr-14 15:35:49

Hi bigkids smile

Have you been to see your doctor at all about how you've been feeling? Your life sounds like a never-ending hamster wheel at the moment - you sound exhausted.

I am not a doctor (or anything remotely medical!), but the constant tearfulness, imagining bad things all the time and avoiding things you normally wouldn't are all things that point towards anxiety and low mood (from my own experience) - whenever I start to recognise that build up in myself now I talk to my husband and the doctor straight away before it snowballs.

With regards to driving, I have been driving for 22 years now and still have the odd multiple stalling incident - a well placed sweary namecall and gesture to the horn honkers always works for me! Please try and stop dwelling on that at least, because it's nothing - your overflowing mind is building it up to something it's not.

If your husband is asking what can he do, then talk to him honestly. Open up and be as truthful as you can about your fears and feelings - sometimes just sharing it can give some relief.

Please go and see your dr at the very least, and remember you are not alone - this is just a very busy, stressful blip in your life flowers

inthewoods4 Sun 20-Apr-14 12:52:03

I think you need a break. It sounds like stress is piling up on top of you. Don't forget a driving test is incredibly stressful- so well done for passing! Sometimes I think life just gets too much and you need some time out. Is this possible for you? X

bigkidsdidit Mon 21-Apr-14 13:41:56

Thank you both for replying, you are very kind.

Tbh no chance of a break.

It's just never ending, isn't it. I've read all this thread now and feel the same as many others. I am 'high achieving' - I have a phd, a good job, nice clothes, always well presented, two dc in clean clothes, a tidy house, 7 portion of fruit and veg a day. Just keeping it all going is an exhausting hamster wheel.

For me the constant guilt is the worst. I have to check work Saturday and Sunday mornings. Just half an hour, but I have to. When I've skipped it my boss has not been happy. But the guilt of not spending that hour with my dc and leaving DH AGAIN.

I'm not going o the doctor. Honestly I think I need to woman up a bit. I don't have it any worse than most working mothers and considerably easier than most. I just need to somehow learn to cope with the guilt and anxiety about it all sad

inthewoods4 Mon 21-Apr-14 18:21:48

I understand, sometimes it's just not that fun being a mum and working. I couldn't not work, I'm ambitious and it's such a part of who I am, but it also means that I put pressure on myself as a parent, and feel that every moment has to be perfect and if it's not I get down on myself. That's what triggered my current period of anxiety, my dd was seriously difficult for a while after Xmas and it brought my straight back to pnd. Now, if just feel permanently guilty about being a bad mum because I don't feel constant affection for her. Xxx

morchoxplz Mon 21-Apr-14 20:03:47

Very interesting article On this subject in this weekends Saturday Times magazine.

Meglet Tue 22-Apr-14 08:30:55

Back to school and back to work. We're a happy house this morning sad.

kazzawazzawoo Tue 22-Apr-14 11:54:44

Dd still at home today, back to school tomorrow, but I'm working this afternoon sad Miserable day weatherwise toosad

inthewoods4 Tue 22-Apr-14 12:36:55

I've just read the article in the Times, it's so sad, but just shows how many different people can be affected by depression - especially those who juggle so many things. X

beeny Tue 22-Apr-14 12:39:58

Hi me too, just want to drive away.

I have been lurking a little - too busy for MN these days, but I just wanted to say it is good to know I'm not alone in this!

I have a senior role in a demanding industry, I joined the company when my youngest was just over 4 months old. He's now 9 months, and I also have a DD (8) and a DS (10). On top of that I am a single parent, and basically just find everything too much. My job is killing me, I am quite a perfectionist and am being forced to settle for far less than perfect due to internal politics, and on top there is just so so so much that needs fixing. Basic set hours are 40 a week, but I now work through all my lunches, come in early and leave late where childcare permits, and usually have to work at least a day each weekend just to keep my head above water.

I spent most of the bank holiday cleaning my house because I don't have time for it usually (not an excuse for general laziness, I really don't, because I collect the children, then it's bath time, bedtime, a little play time if I'm early enough, then typically I catch up on the lap top with work then crash out)

I think I have had enough. I cut my arm pretty badly a week ago because I just needed a release. I steri stripped it up myself but it was v deep. I also overdosed a few months ago. It makes me so cross with myself that I am totally failing my kids by being so damn selfish as to do that and potentially damage them. And I see so much of me in the older two as well. But then I get feeling so bad I reckon they would be better off without my influence in their lives sad

I saw my GP a few months ago who diagnosed PND and who won't prescribe meds because I am still breastfeeding, and wanted to sign me off, but I cannot afford to be off work. And I won't stop breastfeeding - it is the one thing that makes me feel like a "proper mum" to my baby.

Sorry to just appear and rattle on. I can't tell anyone what things really feel like.

kazzawazzawoo Tue 22-Apr-14 13:39:45

wavesandsmiles, sorry you ere struggling, that sounds unbearable. I thought there were ADs you can take whilst breastfeeding. Maybe call your surgery and ask to see another gp.

Sorry I'm at work and don't have much time, but just wanted to say I think you need to see your gp again. Keep us posted and feel free to pm me if you want to talk. brew brew wine

inthewoods4 Tue 22-Apr-14 14:46:39

Hi, I agree on the ADs and breastfeeding - I'm sure there is something you can take. I understand what you mean about being a 'proper mum' to your baby by BFing - but you've already done a fab job by doing it for 9 months, and you being happy will be much more helpful to your LO. You are a proper mum and an amazing one, because you are still caring for your child while being ill, which is terribly hard. This is an illness, and nothing to be ashamed of. Go back to your GP and tell him/her exactly how you are feeling, because it doesn't have to be like this xxxx

monicalewinski Tue 22-Apr-14 16:21:04

Waves, I know nothing about bf, but it's definitely not the only way you are being 'a proper mum'. If you weren't in the het up state you are you would see that your self.

Please go back to the Dr - you are trying to do way too much by the sounds of your post and something has to give - you're not failing anyone, but you are being unnecessarily harsh on yourself. flowers

Hi beeny, it's the wanting to drive/run away feeling that I get when it gets too overwhelming, like you. How are you today?

nethunsreject Tue 22-Apr-14 18:53:51

Hi waves, there is good information on the breastfeeding network about ad safety during bf. Many many bf ing mums take them. Maybe worth asking different GP too? Sorry, it's crap having to struggle for help sad

bigkidsdidit Wed 23-Apr-14 08:26:54

Oh Waves, you poor thing that all sounds overwhelming. I don't have any advice - if I did I would take it myself. But I know what it all feels like sad

If you slacked off a bit at work and went at a slower pace - just worked your 40 hours, for example - would it show? Are you putting these demands on yourself IYSWIM or is it expected of you by others?

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