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What if suicide really is the only way out?

(77 Posts)
littlegingercat Sun 19-Jan-14 02:49:22

I don't really expect anyone to be around at this time, not sure why I'm posting other than a vague hope for some kind words, even though I don't deserve them.

I posted a little while ago about paranoia, about feeling like I'm being watched all the time. I saw a GP about this yesterday and she prescribed an additional med to take with my AD, but I can't take them. I read the side-effects, and they're scary. I can't decide if I'm scared of the potential side effects, or if I'm scared that these tablets aren't what they're supposed to be. I was paranoid that the MH team I see were part of whatever is going on, and if they were, so was the GP. I forced myself to see her and I'm more scared than I was before. I keep thinking about the appointment and can't tell if I'm remembering what happened reliably.

Self harmed last night and it helped a bit, but not enough. Hasn't helped tonight either. Nothing I normally do when I feel low or anxious is helping.

I'm trying to listen to music to distract but lyrics are jumping out at me and I don't feel safe at all. I've changed bands so many times, but even the most upbeat inane poppy rubbish seems to be saying so much. Even fail safe songs that I always go to when I feel low, seem off, like they're malevolent.

The only thought in my head that feels like it's actually right, is of OD'ing. I can't stop thinking of new things to be scared of, there's no end to it. I don't expect anyone to know what to say but I needed to get it out and I can't think of anywhere else that feels safe. Sorry if this doesn't make any sense, my head is pounding.

I'm not an expert but I had to say something. Please ring the samaritans 08457 90 90 90.

Listen to some classical or relaxation music rather than stuff with lyrics?

I don't know your background but please hold fire. I can't stay up for much longer I'm sorry, but trust me, things can and will look brighter. Write, draw, post on here some more. Wishing you all the best, littlegingercat x

AdoraBell Sun 19-Jan-14 03:00:48

Is there Anyone you feel safe talking To?

duchesse Sun 19-Jan-14 03:02:43

I'm not an expert either, but I am around.

The problem with suicide is that it is for ever.

Things can seem very bleak in the middle of the night, but better in the morning.

Please do what tallwiv said- call someone. The Samaritans are a very good listening ear. Do you have a crisis mental health number you can ring?

littlegingercat Sun 19-Jan-14 03:18:38

I can't call anyone, I have pretty severe anxiety at the best of times and phones are beyond me. I don't have access to the crisis team, though I wouldn't be able to contact them even if I did.

I'll try some classical music, the thing is that I need the immersion in order for it to be distracting, but things are getting too triggering. I might try watching something instead, I have a couple of boxsets that I know are safe. I tried writing but if there are cameras then they could see but I type fast and the computer is angled at the wall so I feel safer typing.

I thought that I could talk to the GP, and I felt ok while I was actually talking to her, but now I don't feel so sure. I think I said too much though I deliberately didn't mention sui thoughts, and I can't remember how she looked. I think I did the wrong thing seeing her, I shouldn't have said anything. I can't trust anyone medical. I'm supposed to have an MH appointment on Monday and I know the person I'm seeing is part of it but I have to have her in my house. I don't know what to do about her

Thank you all so much, I really didn't expect replies especially at this time.

duchesse Sun 19-Jan-14 03:22:24

Can you have a really long hot shower? Often things seem a bit better after a shower. Do you think you'll be able to sleep or are you too on edge?

duchesse Sun 19-Jan-14 03:23:34

Are you at home or in hospital?

doormat Sun 19-Jan-14 03:23:55

take a trip to a and e love..u need help asap

duchesse Sun 19-Jan-14 03:28:59

Can you email the Samaritans? Their website seems to suggest that you can email them on this address: jo@samaritans.org

I hope I didn't misread that information- their site said that they are trying to offer a mobile text and online support service as well, but that you could contact them on that number tallwiv found or that email address.

duchesse Sun 19-Jan-14 03:30:34

I'm not sure they answer the emails as fast as the phone according to this page though.

littlegingercat Sun 19-Jan-14 03:36:24

I'm at home, I've never been in hospital. I can't get to A&E, it's miles away and I can't go out on my own. Literally can't, I've had anxiety/phobias for so long that it's a physical incapability now. I don't think I could actually leave my house if it were on fire, this is why I see the MH people.

i could definitely try a shower, just need to find a way to keep the SH dry because I don't want it to open back up again. I have a really bad headache and I just want to take something for it, but I can't be sure that the tablets I have are what I bought. I want to go to sleep but I feel jittery and edgy, I think I want to wait until it's light outside.

I emailed the Samaritans a few hours ago, and they've not replied yet. I've used their email service before and they do take quite a while to reply.

Thank you both, I'm sorry if I'm not making sense, I'm trying to delete and rearrange the things I'm typing but it's not working that well.

duchesse Sun 19-Jan-14 03:38:22

Have you any steristrips in the house? Can you steristrip up the cut and pop a dressing on it before going in the shower?

lottieandmia Sun 19-Jan-14 03:39:14

You sound very unwell to me. Are you under a psychiatrist?

Honestly I do understand how you are feeling and I have been there myself. But please believe me when I tell you that it is possible for you to get better and that one day you will feel different.

Right now though, you sound like you should be in hospital where people can take care of you and help you to become stable.

duchesse Sun 19-Jan-14 03:39:47

And drink some water! A pint at least. It may take some of the edge off the headache.

CrispyCrochet Sun 19-Jan-14 03:44:30

Littlegingercat I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope you can get the help you need and soon but definitely know that suicide is not the answer.

Do you have any friends or family you could call/email/text to come & stay with you? If you tell them how you are feeling I'm sure they won't mind the hour.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp Sun 19-Jan-14 03:46:42

Samaritans; emails can take a few hours to reply to. Text messages similar although usually quicker than email. Samaritans are there at the end of the phone always. Even if you can't really talk at the moment. They won't tell you what to do or try to make things seem superficially better. They will just be there for you, to listen.

duchesse Sun 19-Jan-14 03:50:26

OP, just remembered that a GP friend swears by super-glue for cuts. If you have some in the house you could try that instead of steristrips. Just make sure you really dry the wound before applying the glue. And this site seems to suggest that there are some you shouldn't use although my friend didn't seem to think it would be an issue.

littlegingercat Sun 19-Jan-14 03:54:12

Cuts are steri-stripped, but they're not dry so the strips aren't sticking and they're in an awkward place so they keep popping off. Last nights are 'gunky' so everything is slidy. I'm going to cut up a carrier bag and stick that over them and hope that works.

I don't see a psychiatrist, I see an OT and a support worker. Last psychiatrist I saw just made up things about me in the letter he sent, so I'm not too keen on seeing another. None of the MH people can be trusted anyway they're unreliable and they think things but don't say them.
Hospital is my worst nightmare, I can't cope with people at all even when I'm not being this crazy paranoid person.

I'll get some water, and I've got some of those cold patches that stick on your forehead which are usually really helpful. I feel quite sick probably because I can't stop panicking.

I don't have any friends, and no family that I could talk to about this sort of thing. None of them are nearby anyway, and at 4 a.m, I'd have to be literally at death's door to meet anything but annoyance.

what if there are things under my skin that are transmitting information about me? I mean, is that realistic? I want to think that it's not because it'd be in the papers if it happened to people, but what if no-one knows about it yet? I sound like a complete idiot but I can't stop these thoughts

CrispyCrochet Sun 19-Jan-14 03:55:00

I hope you find the courage to call someone Littlegingercat - you don't have to discuss anything sensitive. Just tell them how you are feeling & you need the company.

CrispyCrochet Sun 19-Jan-14 04:14:55

OP I'm going to try & get some sleep. I hope you try the same. I'll be thinking of you & will check in when I wake up next.

littlegingercat Sun 19-Jan-14 04:34:58

Thank you

Calling someone isn't really an option. The only person I could call is my mum. She and I don't discuss this kind of thing, she'd be mad at me for calling at this time and I'd just feel worse.

Showering helped though, and I have some camomile tea. I want to SH again, I think a little more might just help enough so I can sleep.

I am concentrating very hard on ignoring the meds I have, I know that sounds backwards but if I don't concentrate then they seem to scream at me that they're there and I need to OD. I am exhausted but so awake. everything is so conflicting, every time I think of something, it's opposing thought is instantly in my head. I can't tell what I'm actually thinking any more, everything is there and not there, positive and negative, right and wrong exactly at the same time. I want to be alone but I know I'm being watched and I don't know if I should show how I'm feeling or if it's safer to be blank.

AdoraBell Sun 19-Jan-14 04:41:44

I'm glad the shower helped and the Chamomile tea will help too.

CrispyCrochet Sun 19-Jan-14 08:31:18

Hi OP. Let us know how things are this morning. I hope you were able to resist SH again & get some sleep. I hope the daylight helps you see things in a more positive light & that you can improve your situation today.

littlegingercat Sun 19-Jan-14 14:55:56

Thank you all

I did SH last night, but it was very minor and I didn't OD, so it's definitely not as bad as it could have been.

I'm worried about tomorrow's appointment. I always feel really unsafe after appointments or dealing with people at all. I know that whatever is going on, the MH team are part of it and I don't know what I should say tomorrow. I want to OD just so I don't have to deal with it. I won't, but I desperately want to and I don't know how to cope with how much worse I'll feel after the appointment when I already feel like this.

Very concerned that there's more to my headache than I think there is.

SilverStars Sun 19-Jan-14 15:15:49

If you need help before Monday's appointment and cannot get out of the house then you can phone 111, for the out of hours dr's service. They can offer you an appointment wherever they work from. If you cannot leave the house tell them this and they may offer to visit you. They can look at your wounds and deal with them. They can also refer you to a crisis team (most people do not have access to a crisis team unless they are referred by a gp or out of hours gp service) - and they can phone or visit you until your usual MH service take over their support.

Op you know at some level that many of your thoughts are down to paranoia I think. Please see someone urgently. They will help you and not harm you and you will start to feel better.

littlegingercat Sun 19-Jan-14 16:13:44

I know a lot of this is down to paranoia. The GP said that the paranoia is an extension of the anxiety, which makes sense. It feels like there's something more though, like yes I'm paranoid, but I'm paranoid because on some level I've sussed that there's something going on. It's all "what if" and worst case scenario, but I don't feel like I'm being that unrealistic.

The SH is ok, the minor stuff from last night doesn't need any treatment beyond cleaning and dressing, and the stuff from Friday looks to be drying out.

The issue is knowing who is trustworthy. I managed to convince myself that the GP was but now I'm doubting myself and letting my thoughts run away with me. If she wasn't, then the rest of them definitely aren't.

I'm sorry I don't know what to say that will help sad Glad your wounds are improving. Hope you can get the help you need very soon. Do you live alone?

DawnMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 19-Jan-14 16:30:36

Hi littlegingercat,

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here.

Sorry for hijacking your thread, littlegingercat. We're glad you're receiving kindness and support here, and we really hope things start to look up for you soon.

GlitzAndGiggles Sun 19-Jan-14 16:34:16

Is there something you enjoy or could do to keep your hands busy such as a puzzle, knitting? Sending hugs xx

littlegingercat Sun 19-Jan-14 18:17:12

Thank you all

I do live alone. Don't worry about not knowing what to say, I don't know what I need to hear. Just being able to say these things without worrying about the consequences is really helpful.

I'll check out the links, sorry to have made more work for you HQ.

I've done some cleaning which has helped. I don't know how to knit, but I think I have some cross stitch somewhere that I could have a go at. I have about a million beads that I could make something out of too.
I feel utterly exhausted, all headachey and nauseous and I know I won't be sleeping much tonight so I think I'm just going to try to chill out.

We're all sending you our best wishes. Your situation sounds very complicated, I hope you can work on it one bit at a time.
Lol at a million beads grin I hope your first job isn't to count them!

littlegingercat Mon 20-Jan-14 00:49:19

Does anyone know if the CMHT have the same access to medical notes that GPs do? I'm getting really anxious about tomorrow's appointment and I need to know what she could realistically know if she's seen anything the GP might have written after Friday.

Im sorry I really dont know. Would it help to discuss your fears witb her - she might surprise you?
Will be thinking about you today x

duchesse Mon 20-Jan-14 10:51:19

It depends on your health authority I think. Some health authorities have set up record-sharing but I'm not sure they all have. You could probably find out online if they have that in your area.

I suppose that your GP has screened you for all the physical problems that might be contributing to your psychological state? Ie thyroid, kidney problems etc... And have you been ill like this for a long time or is it recent?

littlegingercat Mon 20-Jan-14 12:58:41

I can't find anything online, so I think I need to be rational and give her the benefit of the doubt, and assume that she could know anything that I told the GP legitimately. It's not really working though. I don't trust that she'll tell me the truth if I ask.

I had blood tests a few months ago and everything came back totally normal. I've had anxiety for years though it's steadily been getting worse, and this whole paranoia thing has only been going on for a few weeks.

I SH'ed again last night, which I'm disappointed about as I was trying really hard not to do it every day. Trying very hard to sit on my hands at the minute. I'm always anxious before appointments but this is something else, my heart is trying to leap out of my chest.

I really don't think I can tell her about all this. It feels really important that she doesn't know. I really just want to hide.

Dont be too down on yourself about the sh. Youre doing really well to try to manage what you can.

littlegingercat Mon 20-Jan-14 15:13:53

I'm trying to be ok with the SH. Managed to do it again a little while ago though, it's not severe so I'm just accepting it as being something that helps.
She's late. Not unusual but really not helping right now. I'm getting more worked up the later she is. There's always a chance she won't show up at all, it wouldn't be the first time. I feel convinced that she's sat round the corner in her car watching me on whatever cameras they have in here, that sounds so ludicrous but I can't shake it.

duchesse Mon 20-Jan-14 17:20:36

The self-harming is your way of managing in what is a very frightening world for you at the moment. It's perfectly understandable (although of course it is a shame you feel this bad right now).

duchesse Mon 20-Jan-14 17:26:16

I hope you don't mind me saying so, but I think you do know though that the surveillance and cameras are not real? The way you say it on here suggests that.

Do you think that you can continue to manage this (nearly) alone, or do you feel that you might need more help?

littlegingercat Mon 20-Jan-14 22:07:25

I'm trying very hard to be rational about it all, and tell myself that there can't be cameras. There's always that doubt though and I can't make myself relax just in case. I can't stop second guessing myself, like if I let my guard down then the shit is really going to hit the fan. The external surveillance could very easily be real and that's something that I've considered for a long time. I can deal with that just by keeping my curtains shut though so I'm not quite as panicked by it. It's the cameras in my house that I'm scared of, and how things (films/music/tv) seem to be too knowing.

I don't really think that there's much anyone can do. I either need to shut up, get over it and stop being an idiot, or just kill myself.

Thank you all for talking to me, sorry for being such a pest.

duchesse Mon 20-Jan-14 22:59:43

ginger, you're not being a pest at all, you're just having a really hard time.

How did the appointment go today? Did the nurse turn up in the end?

duchesse Mon 20-Jan-14 23:02:10

And it's very very hard to "just shut and get over it". Nobody would say that to someone with a serious physical illness and this is no different. Nor would anybody expect someone with a serious physical illness to deal with it alone. A mental illness is no different.

GimmeDaBoobehz Mon 20-Jan-14 23:15:46

How did the appointment go ginger cat?

littlegingercat Mon 20-Jan-14 23:40:25

Thanks for asking, the OT turned up a couple of minutes after I posted about her being late. I want to think that was just a coincidence, but I don't.

The appointment was ok. I didn't tell her about any of the paranoia, but I did say that I'd seen the GP. So, I guess if she has access to those notes then she'll go look at them and see what I said anyway. Niggling thought says that she already knows why. She always asks about SH and I did admit that was worse, but she wasn't concerned. I told her about the health anxiety I've been having but apparently that's really common and I need to just talk myself out of it. I don't feel reassured from seeing her. I just want to OD.

No that doesn't sound good.
What would help right at the moment? Do you have any friends you can trust?
Btw I suspect she is overworked and/or a bit useless rather than anything morw sinister

littlegingercat Tue 21-Jan-14 16:58:29

I don't really know what would help at the minute. A good night's sleep would be a great start, being able to wake up without dread in the pit of my stomach. Having a room that feels safe would be good but I can't check everything thoroughly enough to convince myself. I haven't got any friends.

The OT is definitely overworked, she's told me before about the heavy caseload she has. So has the support worker, so I feel pretty guilty about being another drain on them. It's part of why I think they're involved with the people watching me.

I'm having a total pity party for one today, so I'm going to stop before this turns into any more of a whinge-fest.

newyearhere Tue 21-Jan-14 17:19:05

littlegingercat sorry to hear how you're feeling.

I think you've done the right thing in seeing your GP. Can you tell us what the new medications are, which the GP has given you? And what AD are you on already? I hope the Samaritans get back to you soon.

It's true that NHS staff have a lot of work on, but their job is to help you, so you don't need to feel guilty in the slightest about their caseload. In fact it's a pity they mentioned it really as I can't see how it would help anyone feel better!

It does sound like your GP wants to help you and the new medication is the first step, as she can see whether it works, and if it doesn't she can then try something else. If you can tell the GP as much as you can manage, then she'll be in the best position to help.

Have you got anything you can plan for this evening? A programme you'd like to watch, or something you'd like to get done?

littlegingercat Tue 21-Jan-14 19:47:43

The new med is pregabalin, and I'm already on sertraline. The Samaritans did get back to me but weren't all that helpful. Probably because I'd rambled on too much.
I'm not great at taking the sertraline, I manage most days but there are some days when I get really worried about what's in them and just can't make myself do it. Or, I do take them but then get so worked up that I'm sick and it's been futile taking them at all. Both the OT and the GP know that I don't manage to take them every day and they weren't concerned.

No plans for this evening, but I've got lots of DVDs to watch. I'm going to try not to SH but without being OTT about it, because it seems like actively trying not to do it makes it worse when it happens.

Thank you all for letting me rattle on about this so much, I know it's nothing compared to what some people have to go through. I don't have anywhere that I can really be honest, especially about sui thoughts and the extent of the SH.

littlegingercat Tue 21-Jan-14 19:57:33

I've just read that back and this just dawned on me, that means the sertraline isn't real doesn't it? If I was a doctor and my patient said they were only taking their medication when they could manage it, I'd say something at least, I wouldn't just nod and smile a bit. How have I just thought of this? Oh god. Is there a way I can test them?

newyearhere Wed 22-Jan-14 11:19:05

How are you today OP?

littlegingercat Wed 22-Jan-14 21:40:45

Not very good. There's no way to type it out without it being horribly self-pitying and blah. Thank you for asking though.

newyearhere Wed 22-Jan-14 21:43:40

thanks

"If I was a doctor and my patient said they were only taking their medication when they could manage it, I'd say something at least, I wouldn't just nod and smile a bit."
It depends I suppose. The doctor may have thought it was good you were taking them at all and not wanted to push you further.
I'm sorry you've had a bad day sad Tell us about it - be as self-pitying as you need to be.

littlegingercat Wed 22-Jan-14 22:19:54

Maybe that is what the doctor thought. I don't know any more. I'm so tired of it all.
I haven't even had a bad day, I've done nothing out of the ordinary but it feels like something's just clicked off. I was so angry earlier, so mad that someone thought they had the right to spy on me, and so mad that I have to spend all my time just coping and getting through the day and never actually achieving anything. Now I just feel sad and empty and with a horrible gnawing anxiety.
I am exhausted. I feel like I want to cry but nothing is happening. I'm so sick of myself. I just don't want to do it anymore.

See, self-pitying crap. Sorry. You're all so kind and I am so incredibly pathetic.

Ehhn Wed 22-Jan-14 22:20:26

I have had the same camera fear before, particularly when I lived with my mum. The way I rationalised it was a) why would anyone want to watch me? B) even when I was self harming via binge/purge and if there was someone watching who thought i was the worst person in the world/disgusting/worthless... Well, who cares? At the time that was exactly what I thought of myself anyway. My dirty little secrets were just that - little.

Once I began to realise that the main thing someone would get out of spying on me was a mixture of boredom/mild revulsion, the fog began to lift and I realised that these ideas of people filming me were intrusive, irrational thoughts about cameras.

The same goes for the medicine - the medics' job is to make you better. It is not good for their statistics or their careers if you die and there will be an investigation into their practice. Therefore, it must not be poisonous or harmful to your body. Therefore, it can only be neutral - ie a placebo - or positive, a medicine. Placebos are proven to have a positive effect on mental health as they create a symbolic cure that the mind can attach itself to. Medicine, of course, is always more good than bad (I know there are potential side effects but they are always fewer/less serious than the benefits bring).

I hope this helps in a small way. Keep writing on here as connecting to people can keep you in touch with different ideas about your situation.
thanks

Read and cannot run. You are not pathetic or self pitying. Talk, that might help. Talk here and there is usually someone around at every time. Please do that rather than anything else. I know self harm, I have done for years although not recently. It helps but hinders too but it's a release.

littlegingercat Wed 22-Jan-14 22:53:58

I'm finding it hard to rationalise the camera fear because I can think of reasons for people to be watching me. I tried typing out why but I can't explain it properly and I'm scared of the consequences.

You're right about the medication not being poisonous (though the listed side effects of the new tablets are still too scary to contemplate), I've taken plenty of overdoses of sertraline before and had no lasting effects, so they must be ok. The placebo effect worries me for a couple of reasons, probably unnecessarily since I don't feel like the sertraline is actually working.

Even if the medication is exactly what it is supposed to be, there are listed side effects of sertraline that worry me and I'm scared of the chemicals that go into making it. It's all doing things to my brain and I don't feel like I'm in control. Ridiculous that I'm thinking these things and at the same time I'm thinking about how much I want to overdose.

I've given up trying not to SH. It's helping a bit and it's reassuring.

Thank you both

I don't read the side effects leaflet usually, worries me otherwise, I know the important ones but I don't read the whole thing.

Why would someone be watching you? Keep it real and think, breath.

Don't give up. What are you doing to self harm? I've been a cutter and the scars are not good. Plus, you need to find a healthy way to release the stress and worry.

Ehhn Wed 22-Jan-14 23:51:46

Good thinking about the medicine - if you can identify that sort of disordered thinking, it's showing that you have some objectivity about the situation - this is great progress, so keep reinforcing it to yourself. This is healthy thinking!
I find it helps to see the black humour in the situation (like the irony you've observed in the pills/chemicals/OD situation). Similarly, with the idea of cameras, could you consider playing up to the fact that you think they are there? Talking to them like you are in the diary room of Big Brother? Deliberately waving/mocking? Sticking two fingers up at them? If rationalising it doesn't help (and in the grip of MH issues I know it can be really hard to do so), then finding a way to make the scary thoughts less scary might mitigate some of the more intense intrusive thoughts?

Sorry lots of suggestions and they may not work for you, just stuff that I've worked on myself and it worked for me... But we are all individuals and our minds are so complex that each case is unique.

I'm Going to bed now but I hope you manage to get some rest. Thinking of you.

littlegingercat Thu 23-Jan-14 00:09:33

I can't talk about why someone is watching me, I'm trying so hard to rationalise it away and if I talk about why it'll just make it all the more plausible.

I cut, mostly. Sometimes I take small overdoses. I have countless scars and if I'm honest, they don't really bother me. I'm always cold so I'm fine with wearing long sleeves all the time. I've SH'ed for a very long time and it's the only thing that really helps me cope.

Talking to the cameras would be very very unsafe. They know that I know (because I told the GP) but goading them would not be good. I'm not meaning to dismiss ideas, and they're all really rational and sensible, but this isn't a rational situation.

Thank you both.

newyearhere Thu 23-Jan-14 09:13:10

> Even if the medication is exactly what it is supposed to be, there are listed side effects of sertraline that worry me and I'm scared of the chemicals that go into making it. It's all doing things to my brain and I don't feel like I'm in control.

There are chemicals in our brain anyway. Sometimes some of them aren't in the right balance. That's where medication comes in. Makes sense to treat chemistry with chemistry. The doctor will have prescribed it to many people before.

AngryFeet Thu 23-Jan-14 09:29:58

Im sorry you are feeling so bad. But in my honest opinion (and coming from someone who has dealt with severe anxiety) you sound very very unwell and you need help urgently. All we are doing here is enabling you (reassurance is enabling in anxiety disorders). You are not being watched. Your doctors are not against you. You need to find a way to start being honest with the people who are trying to help you. Im sorry you dont have anyone to fight your corner as I think what you need right now is for someone to take over and make decisions for you.

dreamingalone Thu 23-Jan-14 16:52:00

hI HUN , i am sorry for how your feeling i just wanted to say i am taking setreiline 150mg it does work! if you remember to take it everyday. the list of side effects are rare usualy , i felt abit sick for the first few days then it started wworking but missing days doesnt give it the full chance of working, i know you hate feeling like this. please give the tablets a go the other one they gave. i know your scared of the side effects hun but your thoughts of suicide out way any kind of side effect. you need to be honest with the people who want to help you . you cant live like this forever hun please , i am telling you this fromm experiance , coming out with everything no matter how crazy you think it sounds will be a load of your shoulders and then they really know the best way to help you , you really can be happy but you just have to take these steps. one step at a time. ring the gp and tell them how you feel its easier not face to face i found. or write a letter and drop it in anything. but living like this isnt fair on you . suicide is not the answer. please just tell them everything. you arnt the only one with mental problems they wont judge you . your not well and its not your fault . the doctos just want to help like they want to help anyone else. i remember for me the setreline worked properly when i got on the right dose it can sometimes take a while to know what dose suits you. if you take it consistantly and its not working then they will discuss dosage with you. just contact gp please.

littlegingercat Thu 23-Jan-14 19:52:49

Thank you all.

AngryFeet, you're probably right about the enabling. I am incredibly reliant on external reassurance and it's probably not a good thing. I need to stop doing it.

Dreaming, I'm glad the sertraline is working for you. I'm on 200mg and I don't find it very beneficial. In the past, I've talked about things and it's never helped. It makes me more anxious because then I'm not only anxious about the initial thing, but I'm also worried about the consequences of talking about it. Stupid, right?

Thank you all for being so kind and helpful. It's helped to make me feel less alone, but I think AngryFeet is right and talking about how I feel is enabling and I need to figure out what to do without leaning on other people.

dreamingalone Thu 23-Jan-14 22:15:15

I know what you mean , I used to worry about consiqueaces but I am happy with the outcome , your not finding it beneficial becAuse you haven't taken it consistently, feel free to pm me , what will convince you to speak to your gp the whole truth x

dreamingalone Thu 23-Jan-14 22:18:21

I agree with feet too , what have you got to loose being honest? your feeling crap as it is

AngryFeet Fri 24-Jan-14 17:02:57

No I think talking about how you feel is the right thing to do! Asking reassurance from us in the form of questions like "could there be cameras watching me?" Is enabling if we try and reassure as no answer will be the right one.

It is ok to say im not coping/I feel paranoid/depressed etc etc. Keep posting here for support. But you must go to your doctor. Not for reassurance but for help. If you want to get better you need to fight for it. The drugs will make you feel well enough to get the therapy you need to make these changes. You are stuck in a vicious circle right now but you are the only person who can get you out of it. You CAN get better. But you need to push for help and the only way to do that is be 100% honest with your gp and mh team.

littlegingercat Sun 26-Jan-14 01:13:43

Thank you both.
Tried to make a GP appointment yesterday but can't get an appointment for at least two weeks. Not sure if on purpose or if the GP I see is just on holiday/booked up.
Don't know what to do now. I want out.

Dromedary Sun 26-Jan-14 01:48:41

Can you try the GP again first thing on Monday? Tell them how bad you're feeling and I'm sure you'll get an earlier appointment. You can see a different GP if necessary.
If it would help to talk to someone now, call the Samaritans, that's what they're there for.
If you're desperate, go to A&E.
The drugs will help - if there are side effects it is worth it if you feel this bad.

littlegingercat Sun 26-Jan-14 02:09:47

Thank you.
Can't use the phone so can't contact Samaritans.
I use the internet booking system and there's only one GP I can see, she has no appointments available and others are all male. I don't think I need A&E, can't go outside on my own anyway because too fucking useless and pathetic. fucking useless can't can't can't, i'm past being sick of myself.

anothernumberone Sun 26-Jan-14 02:14:57

Littlegingercat after 2 years of counselling it came to me in a blinding moment of inspiration that there were people in the world who did not fantasise about how they were going kill themselves on a daily basis. Once I realised that it was not normal I finally addressed the underlying issues and moved past them. You can too suicide is not an answer contemplating it is a symptom. Keep trying you can get through this I did not believe I could but I did and honestly I have never looked back.

littlegingercat Sun 26-Jan-14 02:24:11

Thank you.
I'm glad you're doing better. I have no underlying issues, I'm just useless. My life holds no promise.

Dromedary Sun 26-Jan-14 02:31:28

It really doesn't sound, from your posts, as though there are no underlying issues. It sounds as though you're unnecessarily afraid of things and poeple around you, and this is restricting your life in a very stressful way. This is something that can be addressed through treatment. I'm going to try to get some sleep now, and hope you can get some rest too.

littlegingercat Sun 26-Jan-14 02:48:55

Thank you for replying to me, sleep well. I guess by underlying issues, I mean things that could be discussed during therapy. I have anxiety/depression which I'm trying to treat but it's not really working and me being a completely worthless/useless human being is separate to that.

SugarMouse1 Sun 26-Jan-14 02:58:11

Hang in there

I know how you feel, am feeling a bit trapped about debt

Please don't OD, may only make things worse

There is hope, many people come out the other side, try and remember that and people want to help you, this forum demonstrates that.

littlegingercat Sun 26-Jan-14 03:06:34

Thank you.
If you haven't already, have a look on the moneysavingexpert forum. I've lurked on there for years and the debtfree part of the forum is incredibly supportive and helpful for debt matters.
i think that maybe this has gone on too long now and even if there is another side, there is nothing there for me.

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