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no hope anymore, fallen off my tablets again but I've had enough now

(83 Posts)
TrinityIsAReindeer Wed 18-Dec-13 13:27:44

there is no light at the end of the fucking tunnel

I'm just so tired and in pain

I'm sitting in a bombsite eating tinned mac and cheese and just trying to get to friday pick up time

literally just get the kids to school, sleep, eat, ignore everything

then I need to make xmas happen

everything is so much effort and makes my head hurt

TrinityIsAReindeer Wed 18-Dec-13 13:32:52

now I'm having stupid thoughts that everyone on mn has colluded to ensure they all ignore me

I am struggling

Queenofknickers Wed 18-Dec-13 13:36:03

I promise we aren't doing that!!! That's the illness talking ((((hugs)))). I'm here - I've been sent to bed on tranquilliser by my psychiatrist so I can hold your hand xxxxxxxxx

ScrambledSmegs Wed 18-Dec-13 13:37:23

Oh Trin sad thanks

When did you stop your meds? Can you re-start? Or if not, talk to someone about why you came off them?

You've had a terrible time of it, far more than anyone should reasonably be expected to cope with. Is there anyone in RL supporting you practically and emotionally right now? Can you talk to them?

Sorry for being a bit shit. Good idea on the mac & cheese by the way, it's grim but carbs are weirdly good. Who cares if it's out of a can, it's food.

Queenofknickers Wed 18-Dec-13 13:38:03

Have you got a GP you could call? I walked into my GP practise day before yesterday because I felt like you do - I didn't move until I saw a Dr. He was fab. The tablets are really really important - do you have any to start taking again? thanks

ScrambledSmegs Wed 18-Dec-13 13:38:24

Nooooooo! I am not ignoring you! Just on phone and my less-than-delicate fingers are frustratingly slow on the tiny keyboard.

tumbletumble Wed 18-Dec-13 13:38:39

Hi Trinity

Sorry I don't know much about depression. I'll hold your hand until someone more useful comes along.

MigGril Wed 18-Dec-13 13:40:40

No conspiracy, I'm hear just hand holding though as I've never been that bad.
Hopefully some other lively mn well be along soon with words of wisdom.

ScrambledSmegs Wed 18-Dec-13 13:41:01

Trinity, you there love?

TrinityIsAReindeer Wed 18-Dec-13 13:41:59

thanks both of you

sorry to hear you're struggling queen

I've taken my tabs today

I've fallen off them by being spectacularly forgetful and then when I start feeling like I don't want to do anything at all and I feel dreadful I suddenly realise I haven't taken them for the last couple of weeks or so

I do it regularly, it sucks

my head of full of snot
my joints are flaring
I'm wobbling about xmas with just me and the girls for the first time...again
I'm so so so fucking tired
everything aches

my best mate has just lost her mum so I'm trying to help her rather than the other way round

I haven't been to see her today, I just don't want to do anything
I feel bad about not being able to help her enough

I haven't wrapped all the presents or cleaned the house

I just want to go to bed and stay there

TrinityIsAReindeer Wed 18-Dec-13 13:42:52

oops sorry, thank you all of you

you're very kind

TrinityIsAReindeer Wed 18-Dec-13 13:45:20

I dont want to go into my kitchen cause it got a sticky 'wet patches' floor and I hate standing in wet or makny patches

any normal person would get off their arse and fucking clean it

but to clean it I would have to tidy first

its a huge task, I see no beginning, I'm hiding from it

I stood on a towel to use the microwave for the tinned mac and cheese

ScrambledSmegs Wed 18-Dec-13 13:50:54

Oh, Trin (((((hugs)))))

So, can you break it down into manageable chunks? The way that everything seems so overwhelming when you put it all together, but then look at smaller bits in isolation and it's actually ok?

Like, firstly, setting alarms/reminders in your phone to take your tablets? I have to do that with any kind of medication as I'm so forgetful, it happens to a lot of us.

Then, maybe think about 1 thing today that you want to accomplish? Doesn't have to be big. Maybe clean the kitchen sink. Or stick some bleach down the loo. Little things. But stuff that's tangible.

I think your mate can forgive you for one day off supporting her. She knows you well, and what you've been through.

Hope that advice was reasonably sensible, will feel terrible if I've been a twat and given you completely awful suggestions.

TantrumsStoleSantasBalloons Wed 18-Dec-13 13:51:38

((((Hugs))))) trin

I'm not surprised you are feeling like this, life has thrown a lot at you.

Sometimes it's just overwhelming.

Can you break it down into tiny steps, rather than looking at the whole huge picture?

Also can you set an alarm on your phone to remind you for take the tablets?

ScrambledSmegs Wed 18-Dec-13 13:52:27

Damn, I have to go out now sad. Will be back when I'm not at the mercy of London underground.

TrinityIsAReindeer Wed 18-Dec-13 13:53:10

an alarm for my tablets!

how can I have been so stupid
I put every single little appointment, meeting, phone call that needs doing, stuff thats needed for school etc in to my phone with an alarm and reminders becasue I have zero memory

why have I not thought about doing it for my tablets?

TantrumsStoleSantasBalloons Wed 18-Dec-13 13:53:26

Spectacular x posts with scrambled grin

ScrambledSmegs Wed 18-Dec-13 13:54:48

You're categorically NOT stupid. Forgetful. It's human nature, especially when we have so much going on in our lives.

Too many balls in the air, you'd have to be superhuman not to drop one or two.

TrinityIsAReindeer Wed 18-Dec-13 13:55:24

ok alarm set for tablets, thank you

ScrambledSmegs Wed 18-Dec-13 13:55:39

Yay! Feeling validated because Tantrums gave the same advice I did!


Queenofknickers Wed 18-Dec-13 13:55:43

It's good you've taken your tablets. Maybe going to bed for a couple of hours is what you need - I was fighting this feeling until my psychiatrist yesterday told me to do exactly that! Ignore messy house - take it back to basics one day at a time ie.Have you got food for you and your girls for today? If so that's good. All else can wait. Your friend will be fine - you need support too. Give yourself a break and feel the massive hugs coming at you from all of us xxxxx

bluebell234 Wed 18-Dec-13 13:56:32

I hope you will feel better soon sad
I recently learnt that Vit D deficiency causes depression and tiredness, pains, etc.
I don't know exactly which Vit D, maybe D3.
checking with a blood test may help.

It's a really good idea about the alarm for tablets...I do it! smile
Perhaps wrt the house you could do one room a day? Then it's not such a massive prospect?
I've been doing that (am post op ATM) and it's much easier to think "today/this morning I will do the bathroom" than "I need to clean the whole house from top to bottom".
Wrt wrapping...I use gift bags, or just tissue paper. I am NOT good at wrapping and find it very stressful.
I'm sorry you are feeling so shit.

nevergoogle Wed 18-Dec-13 14:00:42

hi Trin,
There is hope, you just need to get back on the meds and be kinder to yourself.
I too am off my anti-depressants at the moment due to pregnancy, and they really do make such a difference to how resilient you/I feel.

In the meantime, pick one thing to do today other than the usual pickup/dinner/bed routine. That sticky patch is calling your name.

nevergoogle Wed 18-Dec-13 14:01:32

oh, and if it helps, you're not the only one who's not good at remembering medication...this is how I find myself pregnant.

TrinityIsAReindeer Wed 18-Dec-13 14:02:02

threw some bleach down the loo

filled a carrier bag half full with rubbish

picked up some clothes off the floor and put the in the laundry basket

put on a jumper cause I realised I was cold

TrinityIsAReindeer Wed 18-Dec-13 14:03:41

lol thank you never google, that last post made me giggle

thank you everyone

nevergoogle Wed 18-Dec-13 14:04:34

brilliant, well done. perhaps I should follow my own advice and do something useful to my kitchen (it's under the pile of dishes I think).

TantrumsStoleSantasBalloons Wed 18-Dec-13 14:07:52

There you go, you have just achieved 5 things in a short space of time.
Have a cup of tea, and afterwards see if there are any other small things you can do before the school run?

I like the 15 minute way of cleaning. So you do something, like wash up or wipe down the surfaces or whatever for 15 minutes. Then stop, have a coffee, mumsnet for 15 minutes, then do another 15 minutes work.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 18-Dec-13 14:18:20

Tantrums beat me to it, I was just going to say you've taken 5 steps already smile

You really have had more to deal with than is fair for anyone.

Yes, if you want to go to bed in the middle of the day for a couple of hours, just do it. Take that lovely Lolly with you grin

I really hope you feel better soon, I'm sure you will when the meds start to kick in.

Can the girls do one or two small jobs each when they get in? And then maybe again before bed? It's perfectly reasonable to ask them.

Lots of ((((hugs)))) to you Trin. xxx

TrinityIsAReindeer Wed 18-Dec-13 14:30:12

I'll try and get the girls to do a couple of jobs

they are so tired at the end of this term

after the school concert last week and me not making sure they go to bed early enough

I usually nap every day but haven't managed it a good few days these last couple of weeks so now I'm struggling to get and keep warm and my joints are flaring

I just dont want it to be like this, I want it to be sorted and tidy in my house all the time

TrinityIsAReindeer Wed 18-Dec-13 14:45:14

I didn't get off my arse and do anything else cause I'm shit

just counting the minutes to school pick up

then I can tell the little uns to make chocolate spread sandwiches for tea and I'll go to bed

yes I know, its awful, I'm crap

they will be safe btw
they climb into bed with me and watch telly

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 18-Dec-13 14:50:40

Yes, but don't feel bad if it isn't like that, none of us achieve that I don't think.
At least, not without staff grin

TantrumsStoleSantasBalloons Wed 18-Dec-13 14:52:40

Why are you crap?

You did something. 5 something's in fact.

If that's all you can do today, there's no problem.

Tomorrow you will do something else, doesn't matter how small it is, does it?

There's nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. Keep taking the tablets, keep taking little baby steps. It will come good.

All you have been through, trin and you are still standing. That's an achievement in itself, who cares if the bloody kitchen floor needs cleaning?

Enjoy your evening with your girls. Don't put yourself down.

Tomorrow is another day, worry about it then.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 18-Dec-13 14:56:12

Oops x ed.

You are not shit or crap, you're fed up and ill!!!

Chocolate spread and telly in bed sounds fine to me.

Queenofknickers Wed 18-Dec-13 15:22:27

Agree with Tantrums and Bewitched - you've achieved loads today and your girls will be fed, warm and cuddled -that equals success NOT crap xxxxxxxxxxxxxthanksthanksthanksthanks

HorsesDogsNails Wed 18-Dec-13 15:49:51

I'm here Trin and I'll hold your hand and offer a squeezy hug..... Please be kinder to yourself, try and see the positives about what you're achieving rather than beat yourself up for what you think you're not achieving. You've all been through so much and you're all still functioning - that is fab.

Well done on setting the alarm for your meds, I think that's your most important achievement today.

Take care of you, you're being brilliant xxx

TrinityIsAReindeer Wed 18-Dec-13 15:54:20

ok just to set off a shite day, I then ran out of petrol in the middle of the road outside the school and had to push the car past a few parked cars and into the side so I was out of the way

in the pissing down rain

fuck everything

nevergoogle Wed 18-Dec-13 16:00:15

oh dear.


TantrumsStoleSantasBalloons Wed 18-Dec-13 16:00:44

Ah it sounds like an early night, cuddled up watching tv with your girls is exactly what you need right now.

Take care of yourself. Today was a shit day...tomorrow will be better.

ScrambledSmegs Wed 18-Dec-13 16:18:17

Oh, damn. Sorry, that sounds crap. But a) you managed to push your car off the road - impressive! And b) today's nearly over. If you have an early night it will be over even earlier.

You did achieve some stuff today, please don't lose sight of that.


HorsesDogsNails Wed 18-Dec-13 16:22:39

Sometimes shit days are just shit days..... Chalk this one up and tomorrow will be better.....

Can you lob some potatoes in the oven before pick up?
Then by 4.30/5 there will be lovely hot jacket potatoes for tea smile
Zero effort smile
Enjoy your hugs.

Golddigger Wed 18-Dec-13 16:25:59

It is end of term and end of a bad year for you.

Try and chill as much as possible. Though if you can mop the sticky parts of the floor so that no one slips on it, that would be good.
Otherwise choc spread for tea. Who cares?

Golddigger Wed 18-Dec-13 16:26:29

Do you need to make an appointment for the gp about your joints?

Hi, this has come up in active ... I'm so sorry you feel this way. I know it's just a minor thing but I am 100% sure it is not true MN has colluded to ignore you (or make them ignore you - do you mean the docs?). You are one of the best-known posters on here and I don't think there's a single person who's been here longer than a few months who hasn't at one time or another been on your threads trying to help out. Honestly. It may not feel like that right now, but don't let yourself believe it ... do an advance search on yourself, and you will see all those messages and all the times people have cared enough to rally round you.

Just look at them and let it make you feel a bit less alone - it will do, I am sure.

Hope you feel better soon, and sorry I don't have any advice other than that (but I couldn't ignore it once I read - it really is just how you are feeling and not how it is).

TinselinaBumSquash Wed 18-Dec-13 16:33:31

Trin <huge hug>

I'm not overly sure what to say, you've had a spectacularly shitty time your not expected to be superwoman!

This term has seemed stupidly long. We're all knackered and wishing that the last day of school would hurry up.

Keep up with the tablets, do you have any pain relief for the joint pain?

As for tidying, little steps are what does it, that's how I get through when PND has me on my knees.

You're on my Facebook love so if you ever want a chat, about anything at all. I'm there whenever just to be at the end of a computer/phone to listen and make reassuring noises. (initials CP)

TrinityIsAReindeer Wed 18-Dec-13 17:29:23

thank you so much everyone

I have had a blood test to check for rheumatoid arthritis but it came back negative which is a good thing but doesn't give me an answer iyswim

I have hypermobility syndrome
Chondromalatiapatela (sp?) in my knee
Bursitus in my shoulders

I got so angry with myself for running out of fuel that when I got home (thanks to my mechanic mate getting me some fuel) that I put on really really loud music and attacked the kitchen

filled the dishwasher, put it on, washed up some more, put the washing machine on, cleared the table and the sides of crap, threw away a full binbag of crap, wiped the sides and tab;e and swept the floor

It would still make most people get out their rubber gloves but its a big improvement

dd2 (8) us sobbing on the couch next to me with a sore throat bless her cottons

It is blowing an absolute hooly and pissing down

We're are supposed to be going to the last tae kwon do session of the year but dd2 doesn't seem up to it and none of us fancy going out in this weather

ScrambledSmegs Wed 18-Dec-13 18:58:47

Oh yes, stay in and snuggle up on the sofa with hot drinks, warm blankets and questionable tv.

Brilliant that you attacked the kitchen. Well done!

ScrambledSmegs Wed 18-Dec-13 18:59:41

PS thanks and brew <-- honey & lemon for DD2. Hope she feels better soon.

Alchemist Wed 18-Dec-13 19:07:23

I would like to offer my hand, not much but very well meant. Take care x

TinselinaBumSquash Wed 18-Dec-13 19:18:05

Excellent work on the kitchen!

Good move to stay in and relax, I almost wept with joy when they announced football wasn't on this week. grin

I've packed the kids off to bed early so I can slowly sort my house out. I've just walked round it then sat and took a good few deep breaths to stop myself from crying and screaming.

You're doing fantastically well despite everything Trinity, your children will know that and I expect they're really prod to have you as their mum. thanks

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 18-Dec-13 19:34:31

You see? You are bloody amazing! Look at that list of stuff you've done, it's brilliant.
Hard luck running out of petrol, but you turned it into a positive.
It's really shit to feel shit at this time of year, it's dark and cold and howling and i find the littlest thing gets blown out of proportion. And that's down here in the sunny south grin
I've said before I wish I was closer to you. I'd come and boss you around and tuck you up in bed with hot water bottles. Make you brew but you don't like hot drinks, stuff you with cake
And deffo scrub your kitchen floor, and feel privileged to do it.

still want to kidnap Lolly so probably lucky I'm not too close grin

Aaah Trinity you don't know me but I feel like I know you and wish I could help properly, I'll join BBB and come and scrub floors and fold stuff and wipe down surfaces. I'm ace at kitchens, my MIL "lets me" clean hers when I visit and she always claims it is never cleaner than when I do it. Never mind that I never seem to bother with my own kitchen

I hate depression / anxiety / mental health bullshit. You are doing so, so well.

Hi Trinity you don't know me, but I've seen some of your posts on here and just wanted to offer another hand to hold and also to say that you've managed to do loads today. It's great you've got the meds sorted, and I hope you and your girls had a lovely snuggle this evening. You have many mums including me wishing you well. One day at a time. You are doing sooo well. Be kind to yourself, take care x flowers

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 19-Dec-13 09:20:22

I hope you had a peaceful, snuggly evening and the girls got off to school OK this morning.
Is it still stormy up there?

Queenofknickers Thu 19-Dec-13 15:37:22

Thinking of you today, Trin, hoping its a better day thanks

TrinityIsAReindeer Thu 19-Dec-13 18:01:19

hi all

me and the two little ones choked with the cold this morning

haven't got out of bed except to remedicate

feel dreadful

eyes hurt to use the pooter but thought I should check in

back off to bed

thanks everyone

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 19-Dec-13 20:12:19

Oh dear, sorry love.

Bed's probably best. Really hope you feel better soon.

I s'pose you can't get anyone round to help in case they catch it.

Thinking of you.

Best I can do is cakeflowerscakeflowerscake

And some more ((((hugs)))) smile

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Sat 21-Dec-13 01:05:47

Hope you're all feeling better.

You can just chill now, no deadlines smile


TrinityIsAReindeer Sun 22-Dec-13 09:29:02

my head still hurts sad
mentally feeling better, thanks to my alarm for taking my tabs. I can feel hope returning.

things are realky shit but I think I can imagine a tiny little tea light flickering at the end if a bloody long tunnel

but my face hurts. im blowing my brain out through my nose
when I stand up my head and face throbs sad

mainlining lemsip and ibuprofen
running out of loo roll

but I have wrapped all the pressies

and I just need to wait till I get some money in my account on tuesday and then I can buy sone christmas food smile

thankyou everyone for being so kind
pkease dont go away

TinselinaBumSquash Sun 22-Dec-13 09:30:57

Still here!

It's great to hear you're feeling a bit better, what are you planning on for Christmas food?
Are the kids looking forward the Christmas? I think for the first time I'm going to struggle to get mine to sleep this year!

TrinityIsAReindeer Sun 22-Dec-13 09:45:32

they are massively excited. any time soon they are going to start counting down in hours grin

I just want to get a chicken crown and some nice potatoes

hopefully have some money for some more crackers (stupidly let them have some already) and some chocolate and nice things

TrinityIsAReindeer Sun 22-Dec-13 09:49:36

I just posted and it disappeared grr

kids are massively excited, almost counting down in hours grin

just after a chicken crown and some nice potatoes
hopefully managevto buy some more crackers and some chocolates and treats

TrinityIsAReindeer Sun 22-Dec-13 09:49:49

I just posted and it disappeared grr

kids are massively excited, almost counting down in hours grin

just after a chicken crown and some nice potatoes
hopefully managevto buy some more crackers and some chocolates and treats

TrinityIsAReindeer Sun 22-Dec-13 09:51:53

ugh it didnt dissappear and now im double posting

TinselinaBumSquash Sun 22-Dec-13 09:51:54

Sound fab! Food is always the best bit of Christmas for me. :D

I'm trying to persuade the kids to have a roast today so I can cook a chicken and the trimmings but they're requesting Shepard's Pie instead hmm

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Sun 22-Dec-13 10:20:54

Well done wrapping all the presents, I haven't done any yet!

Went to a wedding yesterday which gobbled up the whole day.

It's absolutely howling here today, and pouring rain.

So pleased to hear the meds are starting to work, and hope that bloody cold buggers off soon. Are the girls recovered?


TrinityIsAReindeer Sun 22-Dec-13 10:40:46

girls are snotty but obviously feeling better today.

ive just been very brave a walked lolly pup on the shore (seas out)

It is howling with wind and pissing it down so she only got 20mins but she ran flat out chasing birds the whole time so I think thats a win grin

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Sun 22-Dec-13 11:02:42

That will have done you good too, bet you feel better having done it.

I'd better go and get dressed grin, going out for lunch.

Back later, have a good day flopping.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 25-Dec-13 01:33:51

Hope you all have a loving, lovely christmas Trin.
Will be thinking of you.
xxx < your girls xxx < you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx < lolly grin


RhondaJean Wed 25-Dec-13 01:37:26

Happy Christmas trin

We are thinking of you xx

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Wed 25-Dec-13 01:48:26

Trin I hope you managed to get some shopping in and that you and the girls have a nice christmas - despite everything. Keep taking those tablets - now is not the time to come off them.

If running out of petrol gets that much done in the house - only put a fiver in each time fgrin

Much love to you all

Onlyjoking Thu 26-Dec-13 00:23:36

Hi Trin, sorry think are difficult your had a real crap time of it.<understatement >
There are some Apps for meds, really good and worked far better than my memory.
Try and carry on tackling bits as and when. The other stuff can wait.
Can you get any support from homestart or SS?
Give me a shout on FB if you need a listening ear.

TrinityIsAReindeer Thu 26-Dec-13 10:03:14

Thankyou everyone smile

purplepillow invited us for xmas dinner

we had a lovely time

totally sober and we played charades smile

PacificDingbat Thu 26-Dec-13 10:09:13

Trinity, I only just came across this thread - sorry to hear you had a shit time of it.

I think the way you pick yourself up again every bloody time is just amazing and truly awe-inspiring. You are so NOT crap.

Glad to hear you and purplepillow had a nice time together and I am sure your kids enjoyed Christmas too.

Yy to phone reminder for meds - just keep taking them, woman - you know what happens when you don't.
Keep on keeping on. Otherwise the MNMassif may need to come down there again and I might be amongst them this time!! <threat>

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 26-Dec-13 10:54:00

So pleased to hear you had a good time.

Well done, you really are amazing smile

PurplePillow Thu 26-Dec-13 22:31:12

She truly is smilesmilesmile

Trinity has been totally there for me and my girls in the few days before and after my mum passed away.

She took control of everything making sure we ate, kids got to school etc but she is too hard on herself hmm

Please Trin, believe in yourself, you are a wonderful person grin

And we had a fun day yesterday too smile

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 27-Dec-13 02:20:33

You're real a star too purple smile
Very sorry about your mum.

I take great comfort in the fact that you and Trinity have each other flowers

TrinityIsAReindeer Fri 27-Dec-13 11:19:19

blush oh purple. thankyou smile

PurplePillow Fri 27-Dec-13 13:12:57

Trinity I have only said what is true even though you don't believe it, I couldn't have coped without your help, it was a horrendous time but thanks to you, me and the girls survived smile


TrinityIsAReindeer Fri 27-Dec-13 14:24:32

awww shuuush. dont be silly. you were very brave smile

big squishy hugs grin

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Sun 29-Dec-13 23:33:34

Been away for w/e, hope you're OK Trin bear

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