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Moving forward day by day [crisis team part two ]

(266 Posts)
bassetfeet Tue 26-Nov-13 21:01:20

Hi Fluffy flowers just calling in to wish you a lovely peaceful sleep x

SnowyMouse Tue 26-Nov-13 21:07:07

Me too fluffy, I hope you have a good night.

Thank you for my shiney new thread!

TheSontaranPussycat Tue 26-Nov-13 22:34:35

So glad you started this basset - I was going to, if you hadn't.

fluffy I have come to think of you as a friend, sending usual [hugs] to you and yours.

Hello fluffy more wishes for a restful night from me too x

SnowyMouse Wed 27-Nov-13 20:44:29

Oops, ignore the thread I just made. Hope you're doing ok fluffy

Sat in A&E with self h arm again. I don't want to be alive any more. So tired of this shit.

SnowyMouse Thu 28-Nov-13 18:05:43

Oh fluffy sad You can get through this...I hope they treat you ok and you're out quickly with appropriate support.

I am back home, the doctors who stitched me up were very nice. When we got home we discovered that the bloody boiler is not working. So no hot water or heating for us. Grrrr.

In the hospital I had a big cry, I want to cry in front of DH and tell him how sad I am inside but I can't seem to do it.

Big hugs Fluffy xxx

Finding it hard not to cut, DH is home this afternoon so I only have to hold on for a few more hours.

SnowyMouse Fri 29-Nov-13 10:22:15

Can you take it step by step? Distraction etc.

TheSontaranPussycat Fri 29-Nov-13 15:11:20

fluffy even if you can't cry in front of DH, you can tell him you would like to. He already knows how sad you are inside. I expect he is trying to share your sadness by feeling it himself sad

And also, don't forget the cat - it is alright to cry in front of the cat, and to tell her how sad you are. (Some cats will even let you bury your face in their fur)

bassetfeet Fri 29-Nov-13 15:49:38

How are you doing Fluffy? I hope your Dh is home and the boiler will be fixed soon. That must have been awful to come home to. We need warmth and a bath when vulnerable .Fingers crossed x

Yes to crying with your cat and finding solace in the comfort they can give . She is a beauty . I look after a hound with huge ears . I cry at times and when upset I dry my tears on xxxx ears and make them really wet . There is poetry hmm But truthfully I do. A hound with snottered ears . Cats would never allow that but their fur is perfect for that cuddle and support when so low .

What have you got for distraction Fluffy? Nothing helping at the moment?

Sending a hug to you and hope you have a peaceful weekend thanks

I didn't cut which is good.

The boiler can't be fixed until Monday which is very annoying.

Thanks for your kind words.

bassetfeet Fri 29-Nov-13 16:08:02

That is good . Sorry about the boiler though . x

NanaNina Fri 29-Nov-13 21:03:28

Oh so many MN friends here........FDG I remember you well and your back story and so sorry you are feeling shit again. Glad the drs were nice to you. There are new guidelines for drs and nurses on SH aren't there - just hope they adhere to them. Mental health is a bugger isn't it because it never really goes away does it..........sort of lurks about to lay us low again whenever.

Hello dear bassetfeet and Snowy and TheSontaranPC

bassetfeet Fri 29-Nov-13 21:51:37

Hello lovely NanaNina ....hope all well with you thanks. Sleep well and sweet dreams Fluffy .

kizzie Sat 30-Nov-13 12:56:25

Hi everyone - and especially you fluffy.
Iwas thinking about you yesterday because I got a new navy blue glittery nail varnish from No7 at Boots. I love it but theyve got loads of other great colours. I remember reading the book about depression 'Sunbathing in the rain' and the author said that at times changing her nail varnish really kept her going. Hope you have a peaceful weekend x

Thanks for their good wishes. I'm safe this weekend, and trying not to worry too much about the week ahead.

NanaNina Sat 30-Nov-13 15:37:37

Yep that's the way to go FDG one day at a time or when things are really bad I sometimes reckon on one hour at a time, or even one quarter hour at a time.

Hi kizzie not sure nail varnish is going to do it for me! Are you still "blipping" - I am - never know when the bad day(s) are coming nor how long they will last (between 1 and 7 days usually..........ggggggrh) Why didn't I appreciate my life before the bloody depression descended, but I guess that's true for so many things.

SnowyMouse Sat 30-Nov-13 18:12:53

That's good that you are safe this weekend fluffy. One step at a time.

kizzie Sat 30-Nov-13 20:46:29

Hi Fluffy - glad you are safe this weekend. Take care

Nananina good to see you here. I'm n

kizzie Sat 30-Nov-13 20:48:42


I'm not sure I'll ever be completely confident re blips - always slIghtly cautious that just round the corner. But I do really try and make the most of good days.

FreezingFingers Sun 01-Dec-13 05:33:14

Am scared to gatecrash but I totally understand not knowing when the blips will happen
I had an unexpected apt with my cons. psycho last week & felt OK on the way there & he even said I looked calmer etc...
On the way home I passed 2 funerals , an emergency ambulance flashing the blues & twos & another sign I've forgotten (sorry sad ) hence the shit hit the fan that night
I have followed your threads for a while Fluffy (always been more of a reader than a writer.. well until now LOL) I empathise with everything I've read, send you much love & just go grab your kitten & give her a cuddle smile
I have doggies not cats - they are the only reason I get out of bed every morning - even though I wish I didn't have to & am usually calling them all the names under the sun at the time & wishing they didn't exist....
Don't mean it tho LOL
They don't deserve me - bless them - but I would be in an even worse place without them & try to repay their love when I am up to it, tenfold!
I am nervous to send this - and only hope it's received in the way I intended - I need help myself & don't wanna upset anyone ... and I know how ( apparently hmm ) I can take some comments the wrong way myself ..
Well - that's FB - The Devil's Work for anyone paranoid sad
Sorry - have just seen how much I've waffled - never ever wanted to but it's kept me out of trouble for a wee while
Hope you all have a safe weekend & I am really sorry if I've said anything I shouldn't have - I hope I haven't sad

bassetfeet Sun 01-Dec-13 16:48:04

Hello Freezing sorry just seen your post . It helps to write stuff down and know an ear in the ether of the internet UNDERSTANDS. So sorry you feel low .thanks.
You stay safe as well too. Oh and I waffle for England so no fretting there Freezing . I have gold medal in waffle . And you didnt waffle at all
Our animals give so much comfort and reason to plough on . Yes to making us get up in the morning so true .

Hugs to Fluffy and a tummy rub for the cat xx

24me Mon 02-Dec-13 10:08:17

Hi FDG, and everyone. I've followed your thread and I constantly think you are the strongest person I ever "met" iykwim.

My struggles are not even half of yours but you display such dignity.

Stay strong.

Oh gosh lots to reply to.

kizzie nail polish is a lovely treat isn't it? I have been slacking with painting my nails recently, I really should try to get back into it.

Nice to see you here nananina

How are you doing these days snowy?

Thanks for posting on my thread freezing I can totally relate to seeing signs.

I am seeing my CPN today, I am a bit nervous about what to say. I sometimes come out of appointments feeling like I have let myself down or used the time badly so I hope it goes ok.

SnowyMouse Mon 02-Dec-13 12:16:07

I'm okish thanks fluffy, thinking about adding a second anti-depressant sad hmm

Good luck with your CPN, mine was unsettling today, they're rejigging the service.

NanaNina Mon 02-Dec-13 14:16:42

Hello all and welcome FF and 24me - it's not a competition you know about whose mental illness is the worst, so do feel free to tell us about yourself if you like. Having said that I always feel so sorry for young mums on here struggling with mental illness and having to care for young children. I can barely cope with myself and DP and the cats when my bad days come rolling in.

You're sounding a bit better FDG - hope your time with the CPN is ok. I wouldn't worry about what to say or using the time badly. CPNs are paid to do their job and no one pushed them into being a CPN! I think though when we are struggling with depression, it is easy to feel we have "let ourselves down" as our self esteem and self worth is adversely affected. I actually think that is a symptom of depression. I'm sorry FDG I can't actually remember what your mental health condition is though I do recall that you have been hospitalised in the past.

Hello Snowy - maybe the addition of another AD would help as it seems that it's the depression that is your main problem if I have got that right? Sorry you were unsettled by your CPN today and I think "re-jigging the service" is being done on a national basis, and it's all really to do with service delivery with a depleted budget, thanks to this govt. I have a lovely CPN though I only see her monthly (but I can phone her if necessary, which I have done quite a few times in the past when my anxiety has been sky high) and she has been telling me about how the Trust in my area is changing things. Mental health of course has always been the "Cinderella" of the NHS hasn't it, even though they keep telling us how many people are going to suffer from dementia in the future.

SnowyMouse Mon 02-Dec-13 14:32:24

The depression makes it harder to challenge the voices, NanaNina I'm going to ask more about the meds on Wednesday. I'm glad my CPN did tell me though, better than not knowing at all. You're right re: cinderella service sad hmm

Thinking of you, Fluffy!

snowy I hope they get your medication sorted out for you

I talked to the psychiatrist today about my diagnosis (BPD) and he agreed that I don't fit all of it.

I feel quite down today, not sure why because I have a nice day planned.

Thinking about overdosing in January.

SnowyMouse Tue 03-Dec-13 12:51:01

Thanks fluffy Diagnosis is a difficult one. I go to a group, and people with similar symptoms have different diagnoses, e.g. psychotic depression, schizoaffective disorder, biopolar with psychotic tendencies, all plus or minus BPD and OCD.

Maybe it's just BPD traits, lots of people have traits of PDs.

NanaNina Tue 03-Dec-13 13:59:07

I don't usually post when I'm down but could do with a bit of hand holding today. Woke feeling shite and been crying on and off for a few hours (that's one of my main symptoms of depression) I hate to see my depressed face in the mirror. I feel like a useless piece of shit. Oh Fluffy suicidal thoughts are horrid aren't they, and yet sometimes strangely re-assuring (as in I don't have to stand any more of this pain) Mine are always the same - drowning in a nearby pool. I know that people say that if we do commit suicide we pass on our pain to those we leave behind but sometimes that doesn't matter does it. Not sure we're meant to discuss suicide methods on this open forum but if we can't tell each other then who can we tell. My DP is supportive but gets really upset if I talk of suicide.

Snowy I know you struggle a lot, but you never complain and you always reach out to others in your own quiet under-stated way. I wonder where you get your emotional strength from.

My lovely CPN is coming on Thursday as I haven't seen her for a couple of months as she's been on extended leave.

TheSontaranPussycat Tue 03-Dec-13 14:29:24

Quick hug and brew for all, esp fluffy and NN. Am trying to work!

SnowyMouse Tue 03-Dec-13 15:15:00

(((( NanaNina )))) I'm sorry you're feeling so rough. Is there anything you can do to distract yourself? (I know that's easier said than done). Do talk to your CPN, can you get through to Thursday, or should you call someone today?

I hope there's no procrastination going on fwink

NanaNina Tue 03-Dec-13 16:05:44

Thank you snowy and SPC - I have been distracting myself on another thread. I've probably already said I am a retired social worker/manager in a LA Children'sServices and have been on the thread about the Italian woman and the baby, trying to dilute some of the more sensational claims.

I am going to do some colouring - I had adult colouring books and lovely brush pens and that is always soothing and does distract me, though I feel tears about to flow, I think just cus you were so sweet. I always cry in people are kind when I'm like this.

No sure what you mean about procrastination..........ah well thank you for your kindness.

TheSontaranPussycat Tue 03-Dec-13 16:12:41

If the procrastination remark referred to me, then it was spot on, snowy blush grin Just had a little nap as well blush grin

SnowyMouse Tue 03-Dec-13 16:44:48

That sounds a good plan NN fsmile

I was referring to TheSontaranPussycat with the procrastination comment fgrin

NanaNina Tue 03-Dec-13 20:18:49

Ah well the colouring distraction didn't happen cus I had another long cry at about 4 and then fell asleep. I usually lift in the evening but haven't done thus far so feeling de-moralised and wishing I was braver to cope with these bad days when I know others are suffering so much more. Have just had an e mail from a close friend and I'm tearful again because she was so kind.

NanaNina Tue 03-Dec-13 20:19:21

How are you Snowy and FDG - sorry depression makes me very self absorbed.

SnowyMouse Tue 03-Dec-13 20:27:51

(((( NN )))) I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time fsad I hope tomorrow is better for you.

I'm okish thanks, art therapy tomorrow.

NN I hope you start to feel a bit less low, don't feel like you have to compare yourself to anyone. Your lived experience of depression is valid and how you feel is important, if you feel sad, you feel sad, Could you try the colouring in the next day.

I had a big cry last night but have gone today without self harming so that's good.

SnowyMouse Wed 04-Dec-13 17:24:11

Well done fluffy fsmile

SnowyMouse Thu 05-Dec-13 20:33:06

Hi fluffy, how's it going today?

I am ok today. I have this sense that things feel different inside me (in a bad way) but I am trying to live in the moment and not worry too much.

How are you? Have you had any success with your medication changing?

SnowyMouse Sat 07-Dec-13 18:14:59

Hi fluffy I missed your reply. Living in the moment sounds a good plan.

I need to make more med changes, waiting for my psychiatrist to write to my GP.

How's it going today?

SnowyMouse Sun 08-Dec-13 20:02:02

Bumping for fluffy

Thanks for asking. I am ok, had a bad day on Friday but then a better weekend.

SnowyMouse Tue 10-Dec-13 11:46:47

I'm glad you had a better weekend. I hope it continues. fsmile

bassetfeet Tue 10-Dec-13 18:57:45

Hi Fluffy and Snowy and all thanks Sounds like we are all moving slowly forward and back again .......but gaining ground slowly and keeping safe . Think of you so much when I go to bed . We are survivors you and me.Another day and we endure or feel ok...,it is a
SLOW recovery. Keep going one step at a time and yes to getting a nice takeaway or nails done ...whatever that gets us interested and feeling calm .
Just been googling tapestry sets to keep my antsy fingers busy . I tear my fingers to pieces if not distracted . A nose down hug into my ample bosom shock to you all . Stay safe x

bassetfeet Thu 12-Dec-13 20:33:03

How are you feeling Fluffy ?

I am ok, not self harmed in the past week or so and spent time with friends which was nice. Trying hard to ignore my darker thoughts.

bassetfeet Thu 12-Dec-13 22:34:23

So pleased to read this Fluffy . keep safe and distract as much as you can bear . x

SnowyMouse Fri 13-Dec-13 10:50:48

That's great news fluffy fgrin You can do it!

kizzie Fri 13-Dec-13 19:15:36

Hi Fluffy fsmile

I saw my CPN today and came away feeling really meh. I feel like I should be actively doing some therapy with her and I am not really. Just feel unsettled.

Having a chinese take away for tea tonight smile

SnowyMouse Fri 13-Dec-13 20:46:56

I don't always do therapeutic stuff with my CPN, sometimes just chatting is enough.

Enjoy the takeaway fsmile

I feel weird, hard to explain, finding it hard to sleep and generally feel a bit pre-occupied sad

SnowyMouse Tue 17-Dec-13 14:22:02

(((( fluffy ))))

Sleep is so important when you have a MH problem. How are you feeling about Christmas?

I am nervous about Christmas but it should be ok. My husband is off work over Christmas so I have him to support me. Spending Christmas itself with family which I hope is not too stressful.

SnowyMouse Tue 17-Dec-13 17:40:29

I hope it's not too stressful for you. I'm only spending a couple of days with family.

I don't know what I want to say really. I feel like I am not allowed to be poorly again, even when I feel crap, like I have pushed the limit with how crap I felt and now njo matter what i say it isn't taken seriously.

My husband is around over Christmas so I will be safe.

I start DBT in the new year as well.

fluffy I suspect your health care professions do take you seriously, just as we here on this thread do. However, at the moment they probably are prioritising you being safe, not making you feel better. The meds and the DBT when it starts will help with you getting and feeling better. Meanwhile, you, your DH, us, and your mh team if you need them, will all work to support you till you can begin that therapy. Stay safe, lovely. x

bassetfeet Sat 21-Dec-13 18:13:41

Hi Fluffy ..Silvery Pussycat says it so well. Illness always seems to reach a plateau time where nothing happens forward or backward .
Just static and confusing . So depressing .

I love mountains Fluffy and use the Himalayan approach to my illness.
Set up base camp at the foot of the mountain . Then make way up the hill with my supplies. Make a safe place then go back down to gather strength . Next time I climb higher because of supplies on camp one and make further progress. Back and forth with all the experience and all I have learned before .
BAD STORM . so I retreat back to base camp and feel useless and exhausted.
Set off again with all I have learned. Tiny plodding steps will get us there Fluffy to the summit . You are doing just fine . Walk with us . x

SnowyMouse Sat 21-Dec-13 18:51:51

(((( fluffy )))) People say good things about DBT, I'm glad you're starting it.

Thank you for your kind comments.

I think my medication is pretty sorted these days, I take risperidone and fluxoetine which seem to help keep my mind clearer. I certainly don't hear / believe things in the same way I did at the beginning of the year.

I just wish I felt more positive. I am not looking forward to DBT at all. Ugh.

bassetfeet Tue 24-Dec-13 17:30:37

Hi Fluffy. Just want to wish you a peaceful calm and lovely Christmas with your DH and family. x

Adding my wishes for a good Christmas. Take care, lovely fluffy.

SnowyMouse Tue 24-Dec-13 17:48:25

Have a good Christmas fluffy

Well I am at my in laws, feeling ok. Bit up and down but my dh is here to keep me going. Trying to take each moment at a time and not let my worries take over.

I hope we all have a merry, peaceful Christmas x

FreezingFingers Wed 25-Dec-13 13:47:20

Merry Christmas Fluffy and everyone fsmile
Hope you all have a peaceful day

bassetfeet Wed 25-Dec-13 14:07:56

Merry Christmas FreezingFingers. Hope you are enjoying the day and feeling well.x

FreezingFingers Wed 25-Dec-13 23:34:55

Thanks Basset thanks
At home snuggling my doggies and been keeping very busy & out of trouble & temptation ........ so far

kizzie Thu 26-Dec-13 18:17:28

Merry Christmas fluffy fsmile

SnowyMouse Sat 28-Dec-13 15:51:16

How are things fluffy? I've been thinking of you.

Well I have survived Christmas, one more night at my in-laws left. I am ready to go home now.

I was very spoiled at Christmas, my DH bought me a beautiful watch smile

Had some strange thoughts so trying to make sense of everything but also focusing on living in the moment.

Did you have a nice Christmas?

SnowyMouse Sun 29-Dec-13 11:05:09

I'm glad you survived fluffy I had a good couple of days, thanks. Feeling low now.

bassetfeet Wed 01-Jan-14 20:07:19

Just want to wish you Fluffy and all those on your thread a better year
2013 is gone now .......2014 WILL be kinder and contentment will come

Dont know you all in real life but have every faith with ups and downs that we all will get well. thanks

SnowyMouse Wed 01-Jan-14 20:12:38

Happy new year fluffy and all!

Thanks. I have had a nice quiet new year. Trying to be in the moment and ignore all of my worries.

SnowyMouse Thu 02-Jan-14 17:04:16

You can do it, fluffy smile

Well I officially start DBT on Monday. Very very scared.

bassetfeet Fri 03-Jan-14 19:26:00

What scares you Fluffy? Can you put into words ? flowers.

SnowyMouse Fri 03-Jan-14 19:26:21

Is it group or individual fluffy? Good luck, be thinking of you.

It's group and individual therapy so quite intense. Just worried about being in the group and not really that enthusiastic about dbt.I have said I will try it though so am trying to keep an open mind.

SnowyMouse Fri 03-Jan-14 20:34:43

It does really seem to help some people, worth a go. I can understand being unsure about group work, a lot of people find it challenging sad You can only do as much as you can do.

MooncupGoddess Sun 05-Jan-14 22:33:40

I haven't posted for ages but just wanted to say Happy New Year, Fluffy, and I'm so glad you've made it to 2014.

Good luck with the therapy - it sounds scary but hopefully it will be helpful. I expect that everyone else in the group will feel scared and vulnerable too.

I too have heard good reports from people who've done DBT. Hope it goes/has gone OK.

I had my first 1:1 session and that went ok, I really like the nurse who will be working with me.

Group starts on Thursday, eeep.

My DH is off work doing his assignments for uni, I am trying not to get too stressed by it all but it is hard not to.

SnowyMouse Mon 06-Jan-14 15:17:59

I'm glad you like your 1:1 smile Good luck with the first group, be thinking of you!

Messupmum Mon 06-Jan-14 17:27:17

Glad it went well. How long did you wait for dbt, and who did the referral if you don't mind me asking?

Honestly, I have not really waited. I had refused to do it at the beginning of this year and it wasn't mentioned until Autumn last year when my CPN suggested I go to the 4 pre-sessions to see if I wanted to give it a go.

I saw someone from the DBT team 4 times in November/December and he told me about it and we set some goals etc for me. Then in my last appointment he told me I would be starting the group in early January and they rang me to give me my appointment with my 1:1.

The DBT team are based at the community mental health team offices, I already go there to see my CPN.

I feel like a lot of similar things are happening from what happened last year to make me so unwell. I am on meds to help with that so hopefully that will make a difference.

Messupmum Mon 06-Jan-14 19:33:16

I've followed your threads for a long time, and relate to you so much. I seem to always be in a bad place no matter what I do. I've read dbt can help for those with pd's but I was put on the waiting list for group therapy, waited a year, but finding it a load of crap tbh. I don't want to be constantly struggling with dark thoughts and sh, but there are lots of issues that need addressing and I feel I'm being ignored.

I might ask my cpn about dbt when I see her. I wish there was a mn support group for people like us! Good luck with the group part of it x

SnowyMouse Mon 06-Jan-14 19:43:24

You could always start a thread for PD support, there is this one, seems quiet though.

Messupmum Mon 06-Jan-14 20:06:42

Sorry I didn't mean to hijack this thread. blush

SnowyMouse Mon 06-Jan-14 20:10:39

No, not at all, I wasn't suggesting that!

SnowyMouse Mon 06-Jan-14 20:11:58

I only posted that because you said: "I wish there was a mn support group for people like us!"

Messupmum Mon 06-Jan-14 20:16:05

Sorry, I just thought I'd said too much after I posted, just feeling sensitive and confused. I hope dbt really helps Fluffy it will take time though. Sorry Snowy

messupmum please write on this thread, it doesn't have to be all about me!

I am trying to stop smoking and it is annoyingly hard, haven't had one since Saturday though which is pretty good going.

Messupmum Mon 06-Jan-14 23:07:36

Thank you. Good luck with giving up smoking.

SnowyMouse Tue 07-Jan-14 14:02:10

I am not telling anyone where to post, but there is a BPD forum here which gets a lot of traffic here

Thanks Snowy that looks helpful smile

I am having another lazy day and DH is working hard on his assignments and I feel very guilty.

SnowyMouse Tue 07-Jan-14 16:18:48

Be kind to yourself, fluffy (easier said than done, I know).

Messupmum Tue 07-Jan-14 16:43:26

Thanks Snowy I've had a glance, looks supportive. Had a hard day, might read through it when I find things less triggering.

Well I have officially started DBT, had my first group session today. It was ok, pretty boring, not looking forward to doing it every week for a year.

I am seeing my CPN tomorrow, I am not sure what I will say. I feel really crap at the moment but if I say that it will be challenged and I can't be bothered to disagree. I know I should challenge my thinking and that some of my feelings are not entirely rational but sometimes I don't want to think about things.

SnowyMouse Thu 09-Jan-14 20:41:35

((( fluffy ))) That's a lot of sessions.

Had a really mixed week. I am having some psychotic thoughts again which is very stressful.

Had a nice day out with my parents today which was lovely.

My DH goes back to work next week and I am so worried about being alone and self harming sad

SnowyMouse Thu 16-Jan-14 20:51:47

(((( fluffy ))))

How are you snowy?

SnowyMouse Fri 17-Jan-14 12:57:03

I'm struggling with the voices telling me to strangle myself.

Oh Snowy that sounds very hard. I hope you are getting lots of support to deal with it. Do your needs need uping?

SnowyMouse Fri 17-Jan-14 17:48:34

My meds have been upped. And CPN seeing me more than once a week.

I hope the extra support can help you to feel better soon.

SnowyMouse Fri 17-Jan-14 18:48:45

Thanks. Hope you're doing ok.

I am so unenthusiastic about DBT. I do try to listen and take part but in reality it is boring. The staff that run it are lovely and try very hard to make it an inclusive and friendly group, but even they can't make the content sound exciting. I feel guilty because I know loads of people out there are desperate for DBT and I have had it handed to me on a plate.

Thinking a lot about overdosing. Feel very low at how shitty my life has turned out. All I want is a job and a baby, is that really too much to hope for? It feels like it is.

InaneNameChange Sun 19-Jan-14 19:30:04

Not ALL you want are a job and baby. They might be what you want for the future, but you have a lovely DH, family and cat and they are what you need for now.

In the future, you WILL get a good job, and hopefully have a baby. Please don't detach, you have so much already, things will get better. I think you're quite young as well? Lots of time to achieve the things you want.

SnowyMouse Sun 19-Jan-14 19:45:19

There is time for things to change, fluffy hugs.

snowy it is early days yet with the DBT. I don't know how DBT works, but it may be that the course content is less important than the interaction between the participants which it supports iyswim.

* fluffy (but also hugs to snowy )

My husband has gone back to work after having nearly a month off work for Christmas and to do his assignments. I am a bit worried about how I will cope but we shall see.

The cat is still being lovely, she is asleep next to me at the moment.

This time last year I was sectioned so things have def improved smile

SnowyMouse Tue 21-Jan-14 12:50:33

You can do it, fluffy Well done on staying out of hospital.

silvermirror Tue 21-Jan-14 13:41:32

I really tried Dbt but it was impossible to do as i had constant flashbacks and bad memories related to trauma i quit Dbt and now recieve intensive 1-1 psychotherapy weekly through the nhs, i did have to reduce my high risk behaviours to get it but i do absaloutly prefer psychotherapy than dbt
Maybe you need a different form of therapy.

Have yu experienced a trauma in yr life?

I will stick with the DBT for now, I had a year of 1:1 psychotherapy on the NHS and they recommended the DBT for me. I don't have flashbacks or anything like that, sorry to see that you do, I can see how hard it would be to do DBT feeling like that.

This is just a rant.

I feel like I am not allowed to be unwell at the moment, like it all has to be recovery and I am not sure how I am managing. I feel like I am only engaging in quite a superficial way but everyone says how well I am doing. So maybe I am fine now? I haven't self harmed since December which is good. I can't seem to cry at the moment, I am wondering if that is due to my medications. Or maybe I don't feel like crying because I am ok. I am still finding it so hard to deal with psychosis, I am so so tired of it all. I thought I would take the meds (anti-psychotics) and be ok but it isn't the truth. I still get loads of weird and random ideas which makes everything a billion times harder.

I am having a lot of difficult thoughts about self harm but I will discuss them in DBT tomorrow.

larahusky Tue 21-Jan-14 23:02:23

I think that sometimes you have an absolute crisis and professionals all race around and do as much as they can to get you out of the crisis.

And they find some drugs that suit you as much as any anti-psychotics can, and they support you and encourage you to remain stable, and you do not feel very balanced or happy but no one will listen because they are just so relieved you are not trying to kill yourself etc!

I think you just have to bear with it. Do the DBT, take the drugs for the moment (which may be flattening your emotions and making you feel more dismal), and hope that time and therapy and the spring and getting out into the world again.

Otherwise it can turn into a battle with those supporting you. Where you try to communicate your unwellness, they pat you on the head and say how much better you are, and then you have to do something self-destructive to show how you really do feel inside.

I know from experience. And I think it is quite a frequent experience of people who have been sectioned and hospitalised and drugged, and then find that no one is that interested in the finer points of their emotions. The only thing that matters is that they are alive and likely to stay so!

I think your post is very insightful Lara thanks. I agree that because I am alive/not chopping great big holes in myself everyone is happy even if I am not. I am trying so so hard not to self harm to prove a point because that is cutting my nose off to spite my face.

I think part of it is my fear of being sectioned, like if I say the wrong thing they will section me and that is scary. I know I am lucky because I have a lot of support but then I put pressure on myself to get better RIGHT NOW because I have such a good care package.

kizzie Wed 22-Jan-14 16:09:58

Hi Freezingfingers didnt want your post to go unanswered. Dont apologise for posting ! smile
If you ever want specific advice with anything start a new thread so that more people see it.
There are also a few long running threads in the 'mental health' section that people drop in and out of. People are always friendly and helpful.
Take care.

kizzie Wed 22-Jan-14 16:13:38

Oh do ignore me - I was reading the wrong page !!!! blush

Anyway I had just popped in to say hello fluffy thanks

I feel really crappy this evening, not sure why, just feel very low.

SnowyMouse Wed 22-Jan-14 19:50:02

(((( fluffy )))) Can you do anything to distract yourself?

NanaNina Wed 22-Jan-14 20:49:12

Hello Fluffy and Snowy - sorry to hear that you are both feeling crappy - same here. I can't remember a time of feeling so awful for so long. My CPN is coming tomorrow and has asked the psychiatrist if he thinks lithium would help. I know depression is not as complicated as the illnesses that you both suffer, but I know the torment of mental illness.

Snowy I felt tearful when you said what your voices were telling you. Damn and blast those sodding voices.....and fluffy you are so brave and I know exactly what you mean because you have a good support package, and I do too, a lovely CPN and I've re-started therapy with a therapist who I really connect with (she's been on maternity leave) on the NHS, and so I feel bad about not getting better. I just cried all through my session today and I felt I'd just wasted her time.

A very thought provoking post Lara

larahusky Wed 22-Jan-14 21:30:20

Fluffy, you can think as strange thoughts as you want (I know you don't want, though) and as long as you don't harm yourself seriously, you are very unlikely to get sectioned. I wouldn't like to completely censor my thoughts, although I do have to control mine quite hard!

Do you tell your husband everything that is going on? I find that when things get too weird (I get psychotic) I try to hide it from my husband because I don't want to scare or shock him - although he does notice when it gets too bad.

Hi nananina I am so glad you have a therapist you can talk to, and of course you are not wasting her time.

My main problem Lara is that most of my bizarre thinking is related to God wanting me to kill myself. Oh I am such fun ;) Basically I get messages through people or through the TV/Radio/weather/what colour top someone is wearing... I appreciate though that it is a stretch to go from my husband wearing grey to believing that it is a sign from God himself to remind me to kill myself (this was the point at which I was sectioned, literally everything around me was a sign).

At the moment it is not that bad, I had a real muddly moment after DBT a few weeks back because I was unsure if it was someone talking to me as them self or if God was speaking through them. I maybe get a sign once or twice a week, but I just can't think them out to a rational conclusion. I can see logically that my thinking is unusual/unwell but at the same time it makes so much sense to me. I am managing it better because I am not suicidal and I am able to try to challenge the thoughts, I am certainly not lost inside them like I was last January.

I do speak to DH about it but it is so embarrassing. What does your husband do when he thinks you are becoming unwell?

Sorry I have totally waffled on.

larahusky Wed 22-Jan-14 22:40:15

My husband gets very worried and then angry with worry and then leaves it up to the psychiatrists but is incredibly stressed and upset. We have 2 young children, so a lot of energy goes into protecting them too.

We have a great relationship - really honest and loving - but when I have been severely unwell (as the community mental health team seem to phrase it), it does cause tension in our relationship. I suppose because we are not really equals.

It does sound horrible for you, and it is awful when it all drags on and on and you can't remember what normal life is like. The things that have helped bring me back into the world again, have been finding activities I really enjoy, animals, exercise and the outside air. And definitely time.

I feel really muddled at the moment.

A big part of me is very recovery focused, I have two holidays booked, I am doing Weight Watchers to try and get healthier, my CPN says I am engaging much better, I am doing DBT etc.

But another part of me is still focused on self harm and feeling crap (well not that I am wanting to feel crap, just I do feel crap which leads to self destructive behaviour.

I wish I could have a month to get all of the unwell feelings out of my system, and do lots of self harm, but I know that is not the right thing and it won't help me get better.

Oh and Lara I can related to that tension that comes when you are unwell, I had never really thought about it as an imbalance of power but you are right. When I am very unwell I am just too chaotic to make decisions whereas DH is always pretty rational.

fluffy your post about being muddled seems to me to show that you are actually becoming clearer. In a way, perhaps that makes it harder - knowing you have the crap side to deal with, and may do for some time to come.

Doing what you do to recover, despite feeling crap, is huge. I would send cake but you are doing WW, so a hug and a brew.

Finding things hard today. Trying to stay in the moment.

Colouring in be any good?

That's a good idea. I have just had some crumpets (free on my Weight Watchers smile) and I'm watching rubbish TV to take my mind off things.

I've got some crumpets at the moment - and they are Warburton's, and they were on offer smile Mmmm...had one for breakfast.

Would love to see more pix of your colouring, btw.

I think we must both shop in Asda, I bought some £1 Warburton crumpets from there today.

Had quite a good 1:1 DBT session today.

I hope this is not too triggery but I really really want to do a decent cut on my leg, something not very nice, which is probably what I deserve. Not sure whether I will do it.

On the plus side I went swimming with DH tonight and I am seeing a friend tomorrow.

No, you deserve crumpets.

Mine were 65p in the Co-op <gloats>

Well I haven't self harmed which is good. Had very very boring DBT today and then slobbed this afternoon.

I have booked a mini break with my Mum for March so trying to use that as a short term goal to get to.

SnowyMouse Thu 30-Jan-14 21:07:36

Well done fluffy smile Sorry the DBT was boring.

SnowyMouse Sun 02-Feb-14 19:55:58

How are you doing, fluffy ?

Thanks for asking. I am ok, still fighting wanting to self harm but I have managed not to so far.

How are you?

Messupmum Sun 02-Feb-14 21:31:37

Well done Fluffy, that's so good. Hope you're looking after yourself, you've done so well.

SnowyMouse Mon 03-Feb-14 17:06:47

I'm glad you are ok, well done on all the challenging. I'm not doing great, ho hum. Seeing CPN each day.

Sorry to hear that snowy I am glad your CPN is supporting you though.

DBT 1:1 tomorrow and I don't know what to say. Feeling very disconnected from things.

I am still finding DBT very boring but it is ok, just, don't feel like I am getting as much out of it as I should be.

I have felt really good this week, in control and calm which is good smile

SnowyMouse Thu 06-Feb-14 19:36:14

That's good fluffy smile I hope the DBT improves.

I have had such a good week and now it seems to be going down the pan.

I have this horrible horrible urge to cut, and to do it properly.

So frustrating!

SnowyMouse Sat 08-Feb-14 18:43:41

Oh no fluffy resist and distract? Hugs

larahusky Sat 08-Feb-14 19:28:24

What do you do at DBT?

The DBT has two parts.

I have an hour 1:1 with a (very nice) nurse (not my CPN) and we look at the diary card I have to complete and then talk about how I could have used DBT skills to deal with my feelings around self harm. While I still feel like self harming we have to talk about it, only when I don't feel like it can we talk about other things. I don't mind the 1:1.

Then I have 2.5 hours of group work. We review the skills we learned last week, do some mindfullness exercises then they teach us a DBT skill (interpersonal skills, emotional regulation and distress tolerance). It just feels like they are stating the obvious at the moment which is why I find it boring, but I do try to engage and take it on board because knowing something and doing it are two different things!

larahusky Sat 08-Feb-14 23:05:50

That is an awful lot of therapy! No wonder you are ambivalent.

I made myself, but absolutely dreaded, go to my 12 week hourly sessions in the spring. The woman was really nice but I just hated the idea of concentrating on myself and my moods for an hour. She thought that was because I didn't think I was worth it. It wasn't that at all - I just don't like feeling pressurised to concentrate on myself and my thoughts and my history etc, at a set time when I would rather be doing something else.

I really hope it gets past the basics soon and onto something that helps. Very courageous of you to make the commitment.

ItsSoooFluffy Sun 09-Feb-14 14:26:15

Hi Fluffy, I have been following your story since your previous thread, I am glad to see you are doing much better than this time last year but sad to see that you still struggle at times. I can relate to you in a lot of ways and I hope the dbt helps you smile

SnowyMouse Sun 09-Feb-14 16:05:31

It does sound a lot of work. Worth it if it helps smile

Lara i agree that engaging with therapy is really hard work. You can't just turn up and talk, I have found it difficult talking about some stuff, some of it just feels so personal.

I am starting to look for work again and it is really hard. I have only applied for one job and didn't hear anything. Trying not to catastrophise but I am worried about managing to get back to work with a 2 year gap in my CV. I am also trying to get into a different area (admin) and feel so sad that I am leaving teaching behind.

larahusky Wed 12-Feb-14 23:05:40

Really good luck.

I don't work at the moment at all, and the only work I have done since having the children has been self-employed but, after having a decade of very severe mental illness with lots of sectioning and heavy drugs etc, I went back to work at 30. My confidence was non-existent and I didn't think anyone would ever want me, and I had to lie so much on cvs and forms etc.

I did temporary work for a bit, and then got taken on permanently through that, and then when you have one job, it is far easier to get another. In the end I left a really good job when I had my daughter.

In a longwinded way, I do know how lost you can feel when you look for work after mental illness. I found temping was quite a good way back in.

Thanks Lara I am working with a team that help people with MH issues go back to work and she rang me today and gave me a little pep talk.

I feel like my mood has really dipped these past few days.

larahusky Thu 13-Feb-14 23:18:47

It is a lot of pressure to put yourself under. Think it is really natural to feel dread! Do you have to go back now for financial reasons? Or could you do a very gradual phase in - maybe starting with some voluntary work (except that I can never find admin voluntary work).

I have not worked self-employed for the last year due to my mental health, and before that was only just keeping my head above water (not financially, just doing anything productive at all!). I am now feeling a bit driven to start doing something again - which feels healthy - but then I think about all the ins and outs and get daunted. Maybe when the sun comes out again...

Yes, maybe it is the pressure.

I am looking into volunteering as well to help boost my CV. I have a lot of difficult feelings tied into work which doesn't help really.

Anyway, something positive, this time last year I had spent part of the day in seclusion (a locked room) and then spent the evening on constant observations and seen DH in a room in the hospital. This year I am at home, I went to weight watchers, had lunch out with DH and now we are having a M&S dine in for two meal for dinner. Such a huge difference in where my life is now.

Messupmum Fri 14-Feb-14 18:47:44

I want to 'like' your previous post fluffy. Enjoy your evening

SnowyMouse Fri 14-Feb-14 18:51:49

That's great fluffy smile

I really really want to self harm, but I can't this week, which makes things hard.

SnowyMouse Tue 18-Feb-14 12:23:16

Hugs fluffy hang on in there.


I applied for a job today, I don't know how I will feel if I actually get a job but I have to start somewhere I guess.

Everyone keeps saying how well I am doing and I am turning their positive thoughts into lots of negative feeling pressure, which is so frustrating. Why can't I just allow myself to get better?

Messupmum Tue 18-Feb-14 17:43:37

Because it's not what you're used to. You're not used to things getting better or going ok, and the negative thoughts keep creeping back. Whatever job comes along, it may not be the first one you apply for, I hope you feel an achievement and proud of yourself after your first day. Good luck. Keep fighting.

Can I just ask, did your stay as an inpatient help you at all? Did it scare/shock you into trying to fight it more? I guess friends and families concern must have been hard for you too, and more determined to stay safe? Sorry if I'm wrong, and you don't have to answer x

Dear Fluffydressinggown

I've been lurking on your thread for ages, and am so impressed with how far you've come in the past year.

I hope this quote from Louise Hay might help you just a little bit:

“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”

Please be kind to yourself - you have climbed a mountain and you're still going!

Thanks for that thoughtful quote Sijeunessesavait

My most recent admission, which was four months last year was very much around me having bizarre thoughts and being actively suicidal rather than SI so I don't think it had much impact on that. My admissions in 2012 were about SI, the biggest trigger for me being admitted was concerns that I would accidentally kill myself with my SI, I can escalate quite quickly when I am unwell.

I think what surprised me most the first time I was admitted was that if you were really focused on hurting yourself you still could. I think I thought that being in hospital would magically make me safe and it didn't. I thought I would have scheduled time to talk about things and actually unless you ask for 1:1 time you don't get it.

By my second admission I was a lot more focused on recovery and used my time to let myself heal and put some distance between my last SI.

Seeing some of the things I saw in hospital made me determined not to let my life be taken over with MH problems. I saw women who were older than me blaming everyone around them for their disrupted life and not taking any ownership of it, and I realised that I had to make the choice to recover. I didn't want to look back on the next ten years and have another decade of MH problems.

It has not been easy and I still feel frustrated when I talk to a MH professional and say I am thinking/going to hurt myself and they say Ok and it's your choice. I still wish they would step in sometimes but I know that it has to be me that does it.

I think hospital did help me but I had to be quite assertive to make the most of it. I did feel like people with psychosis were treated differently to people with a personality disorder.

LovelyBath Thu 20-Feb-14 12:02:40

That is interesting (sorry another lurker here). How did they treat people different who had psychosis and personality disorders?

I felt like there was a lot of blame with the personality disorder, that it was dismissed as behaviour rather than illness. There were assumptions made about being manipulative or attention seeking. Lots of focus on making the right choice and taking control of things.

I noticed that people were much less harsh with me when I was psychotic, I felt there was more of a belief that I was ill and it was not my fault.

That said, in general I felt the hospital made huge efforts to get to know me and give me the right treatment and there was a desire to treat people with a PD in a more sympathetic way and as they got to know me my care improved.

I forgot to add this.

I got sent home from DBT today because I am not very well and couldn't talk for coughing but I feel so guilty because I went for a hair cut before DBT started and was fine for that. I just feel like I should have braved it out, but the staff insisted I go home and recover.

SnowyMouse Thu 20-Feb-14 20:28:47

I hope you feel better soon fluffy

This is just a silly rant.

In 2012 I had got it into my head that I wanted to break my hand and I did some horrible things to try to do that. As a result I have some nerve damage to one of my fingers and I HATE HATE HATE it. I am so fucking stupid. Most of the time I forget about it and then sometimes I look at my hand and remember and hate myself.

SnowyMouse Fri 21-Feb-14 15:33:39

Oh fluffy sad You can't change the past...

I feel like I should be happy today but instead I feel like shit. Sometimes I wonder if I will survive all of this.

I am trying so so hard to recover and most days I think I do a good job but not today. Today I just feel tired and self harmy.

larahusky Sat 22-Feb-14 22:38:03

Fluffy, just seen the post about your regrets about your hand.

All I can do is talk from personal experience here: I spent my twenties absolutely carving myself to bits. When I finally managed to stop I felt awful about the mess I had made of myself. While I was self-harming, I didn't care at all about the end result of the scars. It was only when I stopped and surveyed the wreckage that I was full of sadness and regrets.

I even went to a plastic surgeon (NHS - referred by my GP), who said he could do skin grafts etc but it would not do much good. I hid everything as well as I could - couldn't hide all of them - all the time.

It was only when I had my first daughter that I just decided not to bother hiding them - I think it was something to do with my body doing something productive and having someone who I was focussing on. My scars didn't seem important anymore. I have worn anything I liked since then and I don't dislike my scars anymore - they just feel like a part of me: nothing to be proud of or anything - nothing to do with surviving etc - just neutral; just me.

I know it is different for everyone; and the injuries are different but, all I can say is that when I finally stopped self-harming, I really did get an intense sadness for what I had done to my body. And then it passed.

And honestly, it hasn't been the result of effort or counselling (although lots about me has!): I just got over it after a certain amount of time and sadness.

I had forgotten how sad I was, after I stopped self-harming, until I read your post.

Thanks for such a thoughtful post Lara

I have quite a lot of self harm scars. Like you I don't see them of signs of survival they just are. I wish they weren't there but they are and I have to live with that.

I have never really covered up my arms, I wasn't doing too much damage when I cut my arms so the scars have faded much more. I have burn scars around my wrist which bug me but I try not to think about.
I hate hate my thighs but when I went on holiday last year I braved sitting by the pool in my swimwear and I have been swimming in the UK without covering them up.

I suppose I feel like self harm has held me back in so many ways, I don't want it to have an impact on my wardrobe.

It is a feeling of sadness though isn't it? So sad that I have done so much damage to my body.

larahusky Sun 23-Feb-14 18:46:15

Strange this is though, how little impact my scars made on everyone else. I was convinced that everyone would notice and interpret etc.

My close friends know about me: I have never gone into the details of self harm but they know because they know of my struggles with mental illness.

When I was in hospital recently, a few school run mothers texted to ask if was ok and where I was. I told them I was bipolar and was in hospital because things had got a bit out of control, and they were amazed.

I really thought that anyone who could see the state of my arms wouldn't be surprised by that at all.

I think that is a very good idea not to let self-harm interfere with your wardrobe. That was honestly one of the things that made me feel saddest, that I couldn't wear my favourite clothes anymore (superficial - not me!)...

larahusky Sun 23-Feb-14 18:48:59

No need for a reply: talking about self-harm can be a bit miserable when you are trying to get on with your life!

I had a horrid fight with DH about things and today I just feel like shit. We made up so it is all ok but I hate what my MH does to us.

SnowyMouse Tue 25-Feb-14 19:50:10

(((( fluffy )))) That can't have helped.

I am going to put this down because it is haunting me.

I am so worried that because I am not self harming they (MH team) will stop offering me help.

I have no reason to believe this and I am currently 6 weeks into year long DBT but I can't help but worry.

DH has been really harsh about SI this week and I am trying so hard not to, but sometimes I really really want to. I feel like it is what I deserve but I am trying so hard not to fuck everything up.

Messupmum Wed 26-Feb-14 16:07:41

Maybe try to turn things around in your head, they'll continue to support you as they can see it's helping, so they won't discharge you. You haven't long been doing dbt so it's still early days x

larahusky Wed 26-Feb-14 16:19:12

Why don't you ask them?

I will ask my CPN when I see her next.

Had a nice meal out with some friends but now feel very low and meh, I keep thinking that just one cut would make things better but it won't.

silvermirror Wed 26-Feb-14 22:34:29

Could you have a nice hot bath with some lovely bubblebath or essential oils so it smells nice then have a lovely hot chocolate and then snuggle up in bed with yr snuggly duvet and chill out with some music these teqneues are what i use there called self soothing techneques it helps distract you from self harming or suicide attempts.
Think of nice things things you like. Write or draw them.
You are doing really well xxx

silvermirror Wed 26-Feb-14 23:25:44

Found this link.
Google distraction techniques to self harm.
I do a list of pros and cons too.
List all the positives to self harming and then the negatives
It will be clear that the negatives outway the positives.

Thanks for the distraction suggestions. I am quite good at distraction and self soothing, although I have to confess that I hate baths!

I find TV a good distraction and probably watch far too much of it.

I feel quite suicidal at the moment, trying to work through it.

SnowyMouse Fri 28-Feb-14 18:51:07

oh (((( fluffy ))))

Thanks Snowy I hope you are doing ok.

My lovely DH took me out for an Indian tonight which is not very weight watchers friendly but has cheered me up smile

silvermirror Fri 28-Feb-14 21:38:17

I suggested a bath as i self neglect when im really down and having a bath is part of my care plan and i do feel a lot better when iv had one so sugested it as it really does help me relax.

Im sorry your feeling suicide its horrible feeling like that try ringing the crisis team or go straight to A+E if you feel your going to attempt a suicide.

Hugs x

silvermirror I always suggest baths for other people, I think I am a bit weird for not liking them.

I suppose I am lucky in that my MH issues don't interfere with my personal care, I have OCD and I have quite set rituals about showering etc Even when I was in PICU last year I showered every day! Although in saying that I had to force myself this week to do things like I normally do - painting my nails and sorting out my eyebrows so I suppose when I feel low some things to slip.

I feel like it sounds like I am poo-pooing all of your helpful suggestions, I hope it doesn't come across like that!

I feel like shit today.

Trying to distract and take it an hour at a time.

SnowyMouse Mon 03-Mar-14 13:11:41

(((( fluffy ))))

You can do it

I feel quite positive today. This time last year I was in PICU and it feels like I have come a long way since then. Even though I really do want to SI I have not done it in three months now which is progress.

SnowyMouse Wed 05-Mar-14 18:39:49

That is amazing smile Anything you can do to treat yourself?

Messupmum Wed 05-Mar-14 18:48:10

That's so good, I bet everyone's proud of you x

larahusky Wed 05-Mar-14 22:52:02

That's brilliant

Thanks for the kind thoughts. I have had a good few days, I went away with my Mum and we went out for a meal with some friends. I keep reminding myself that this is what I am working so hard for - a normal, happy life away from MH services.

So happy to read your latest posts, fluffydressinggown, having followed your thread for so long. You should be really proud of your hard work, and it's good to see you acknowledging that you are making things happen and taking steps to the future you wish for. Keep that goal in mind, and keep going - you're doing so well.

I keep feeling like everyone would be better if I was dead. I know that is not true, so why do I feel like that?

Dear fluffydressinggown

I was sorry to read your post today. I don't know if this is of any help, but I've been reading a beautifully written memoir - The Buddha and the Borderline - to give me more insight into my DD18 who's been diagnosed with BPD. A line I read last night really stood out for me. I'm paraphrasing - it was something like 'It doesn't matter how many people say they understand me, if I don't love myself I won't ever stop feeling this pain'.

I've learnt so much from this book, which gives a really encouraging account of DBT (my DD has been offered DBT but doesn't feel ready to engage with it yet - I so hope she will soon). I don't have any advice about how you can learn to love yourself enough, but I want you to know that your story has been hugely inspiring and encouraging to me, so thank you for continuing to post so honestly. You know that the way you feel just now is only temporary, and I hope you will use all the resources you have to sit it out until you feel more positive.


Still feeling rubbish, not sure why, just feel really negative and down.

SnowyMouse Wed 19-Mar-14 18:15:00

(((( fluffy )))) Everyone has ups and downs?

I've not posted on this thread recently.

I am feeling ok these days, ups and downs but manageable.

I am hating applying for jobs though, really bringing down my confidence and self esteem. I wish we could afford for me never to work sad

So good to hear this fluffy
I think of you often, and admire your tenacity and self-awareness.
Well done on the job applications

LovelyBath Fri 04-Apr-14 14:21:21

Hi Fluffy you posted on my other thread about taking anti-psychotics long term. thanks for the reply.

I noticed on your thread you used to be a primary school teacher? I did a PGCE for that too... and am also finding it scary the thought of applying for jobs. teaching is very stressful and there are strict 'fitness to teach' guidelines I believe so am unsure about trying to return to it. My gut feeling is I wouldn't cope with it, and it's a long time since I did my training although I guess I could do supply (a very scary thought).

I did speak to a local primary school head teacher who told me of her struggles with PND and it really helped her going back to work. (and obviously didn't affect her career as she is now a head) however we are all different. I think in her case she needed a break from young children. I have heard it is possible to do supply as a TA (teaching assistant) but am unsure about that too.

I think I'd like to learn something new but not have the pressure of a job...maybe do a course in something. Are you claiming ESA? I am on Incapacity benefit at the moment, they were meant to be changing it over last year but I haven't heard anything yet. All so stressful.

LovelyBath Fri 04-Apr-14 14:24:59

I wonder about maybe doing some kind of voluntary work but now sure what. hmm

A friend who is a mum is thinking of doing an art course at the local college. She likes the idea of meeting a range of people rather than 'just mums' and doing something for herself. Another I know is doing a TEFL (teaching English as a Foreign Language) course.

Have you thought about maybe doing a course in something? What jobs are you thinking of applying for? Sorry that sounds a bit nosy. I am just wanting to compare notes.

Thanks for your kind message* Sijeunessesavait *

Hi lovelybath!

I am not looking for work as a teacher, it took a lot of soul searching but I recognise that my mental health is not going to allow me to work in such a stressful and pressured environment. That said I know people who have taken time out and gone back via supply and they are really happy.

I am looking for admin type jobs really, and jobs as a HCA (but only in 9-5 type jobs like outpatients or community). I was a HCA for seven years before qualifying as a teacher so I don't mind going back to it.

I am hoping to take a computer course in May, I have signed up for the assessment session and will go from there.

I don't get any benefits at all, we live off my DH's salary which can be tight sometimes. I have applied for PIP but not heard anything yet which is very frustrating!

LovelyBath Fri 04-Apr-14 17:04:47

Hi it sounds like you have some plans in place... I think it's stressful for anyone going back to work after being out of it for a while either through health reasons or having small children. It is easy to lose confidence.

I don't think I'll be looking to get back into teaching either. Do you know I quite (in a strange way) like the idea of being a postwoman- with one of those wee trolleys going along something stress-free out in the open area (would probably in reality mean stressful encounters with scary dogs and people!)..

Have you thought about applying for ESA? I get contribution-based incapacity benefit but think that was due to working for a certain length of time before I applied. i don't know what the 'rules' are for ESA as I'm not on that yet or making a new application, but it might be worth looking into. My care co-ordinator said the carer's centre locally would help me and my husband if we need to renew it.

LovelyBath Fri 04-Apr-14 17:06:16

I suppose what you'd need to find out is if it is means tested - as your DH's salary might mean you wouldn't get it. Mine isn't means tested but that could be due to when I applied iyswim

I can't get ESA I have not paid in enough and DH earns too much for the means tested ESA.

I reallllllllllllly really want to self harm today. Lots and lots and lots.

coxspippin Wed 09-Apr-14 11:38:47

Dear fluffy. I find getting ESA quite stressful: the forms and assessments, and all when I am so ill. I too have been a teacher till I took ill. I loved it up to that point. Anyway I hope this week, these few days you have been given some relief from self harm.

Two things.

I have a job interview - eep.

On my DBT diary sheet in the urge to self harm column I had zero urges since Thursday.

So pleased for you on both counts, fluffy. When is the interview? Be proud of yourself for these landmark achievements x

dearpip Wed 16-Apr-14 17:45:17

Oh that is good news fluffy; so pleased for you and DH. Nice sunny weather too.

madeuplovesong44 Wed 16-Apr-14 18:24:51

Well done fluffy, you are very inspiring. Good luck for your interview x

Good thing - I have not SIed in 6 months

I am super worried at the moment, I have an assessment day at college tomorrow to do a computer course and my interview is on Thursday. I am also having to change my meds and I am so worried about becoming poorly again.

I am still finding DBT pretty boring but I am determined to stick it out.

Good luck today, fluffy. I'm sure you have acquired all the coping skills you need in the course of your therapy, and hope you can apply them in this new situation. One day at a time. You have worked hard to reach this goal, and you deserve to be happy.

My interview went ok, I won't hear until next week. If I am honest I don't think I have got it sad

SnowyMouse Fri 02-May-14 15:26:33

Hi fluffy smile Even going to the interview was good! I hope you hear positives, even if it's just feedback for next time.

dearpip Sun 04-May-14 09:28:56

good luck fluffy with the course and interview, and it must be a relief not to s/h. (I'm usually coxspipin but had to re register).

I got the job smile x

SnowyMouse Tue 06-May-14 15:59:13

Yay! Go you! grin

Thanks smile

Brilliant news - a new chapter unfolds. Well done, and good luck!

mypip Tue 06-May-14 19:51:45

so pleased for you fluffy.

blossommy Thu 08-May-14 12:00:30

Im a name changer but have been on / followed your thread for a long time fluffy. I am so so pleased for you thanks

Thanks, I am trying not to panic about it but it is so scary to be going back to work after 2.5 years off!

SnowyMouse Thu 08-May-14 20:50:18

When do you start?

I start on the 19th, so very soon!!

SnowyMouse Thu 08-May-14 21:08:15

Good luck, are you having to buy new clothes too?

I think I will need new clothes yes. I am still listing weight so don't want to get too much stuff because hopefully they will be too big for me soon!

I am having a huge wobble that I won't cope.i thought about buying some blades today but I didn't. Feel like I am not allowed to be poorly again.

I am so scared of going back to work, on one level I am really happy to get things back on track but on another level I am finding it very very hard to let go of self harm and all that comes with that. That probably sounds ridiculous but for the past 2 years I have had so much support, and spent so much time in hospital that it is hard to imagine a future without it. I feel like self harm became such a part of my identity that in some ways I am scared to change.

Of course I do enjoy having a better quality of life now, I don't have to spend hours in A&E, I don't have to justify myself to crisis teams, I don't have to worry about getting sectioned. All such positive things so why am I so scared to get better?


SnowyMouse Mon 12-May-14 15:40:30

Hi fluffy Well done on not buying blades, that must have been very hard. I think it's normal to have such thoughts when you're going through big changes, and a job is a big change.

dontrunwithscissors Wed 14-May-14 09:49:04

I can really understand the fear of fetting better. I'm told it is quite common. I think it's fear of the unknown--that you don't know whether you will stay well. I had got so used to being unwell. It's the constant uncertainly of whether it will be taken off me (looking over my shoulder for another episode). For a while, the fear of being struck down again robbed me of actually enjoying being well. If you're unwell, you're unwell. There's nothing to lose.

Sorry that's a bit rambling! I think just taking things a day at a time is the way forward.

madeuplovesong44 Wed 14-May-14 23:22:10

Your last post makes so much sense. You are bound to feel overwhelmed at the prospect of going back to work. I can remember the feelings so well. I too had spent a long time in hospital and a long time away from work and i was terrified. For me, i was so used to 'being ill' and i relied on the fact i had no expectations or responsibilities. I couldn't feel like a failure as i had nothing to fail at.

You have come such a long way though and you deserve to feel the benefits that employment brings. Can you maybe make a list of the positives that may come from the job and try to focus on that e.g. Wages, routine, feeling valuable and needed, meeting new people etc And what about putting a safeguard in your head, like ' i will give it two weeks and if it is too much or i hate it i will just walk away and nothing is lost.' I was so terrified at what might happen, that i couldn't cope ans would become suicidal again. Once i changed my thinking to i will just give it a go and i can leave if i want to, it felt safer.

I was scared that the support i had relied so heavily on would be withdrawn as going back to work meant i was better. That hasn't been the case at all as my cpn recognizes the ongoing stress of work means i need continued support. I imagine your team will still be there for you too.

Good luck though fluffy. You are amazingly courageous and deserve this opportunity. I will look forward to seeing how you get on. X

Wipedoutmammy Fri 16-May-14 16:48:31

Hi fluffy and everyone else

I have read your whole thread about your journey with your mh issues this afternoon. I've been si for years and over the last year have had various suicide attempts. I want to say your journey has given me hope that I may just come out the other end of this nightmare. Thank you smile xx

I am still stressing sad My DH has essays for university to do and I feel loads of pressure (from myself) to help him to make them perfect sad

My DH is being really nice and not asking for help but I feel like I should be able to help him.

I saw my CPN and my DBT 1:1 today and talked about the stuff I have been stressing over, but I don't feel better for it sad


I started my new job today and it went ok (I think) I am just training this week so it is pretty easy going, scared for the next week when I am actually doing the job.

Congratulations, fluffy
Try to focus on the present rather than worrying about the future. By the time next week comes along you will have much more experience of what you need to do. I hope the new environment is a happy one for you x

Well I survived my first week. I am so tired but proud that I managed it. I have not had any strange thoughts or felt like self harming so that is positive. I have missed seeing my DBT 1:1 worker though, I still need that extra support I think.

I also have an appointment to get assessed for PIP which is a bit scary.

Hope you will enjoy the long weekend!

SnowyMouse Sat 24-May-14 18:11:34

Good for you, fluffy!

Thank you smile I had a massive sleep in this morning and I am enjoying having a lazy day at home.

mypip Mon 26-May-14 10:34:49

gosh you did well fluffy; glad you are getting some relief and recovery too.
So pleased for you.

I have an interview with ATOS tomorrow about claiming PIP, my CPN is coming with me but I am still really nervous.

I have started seeing things in the corner of my eyes which is a bit frustrating.

I am also seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow about changing my anti-psychotic which is a bit scary because I feel stable on risperidone but I need to change it so I will have to suck it up.

Hope today went OK fluffy

It was ok, I found the interview a bit overwhelming but my CPN said I did well.

Saw the psychiatrist and I am going to start on aripriprazole when I come back from my holiday in July. V.scared about changing meds but it has to be done.

SnowyMouse Tue 03-Jun-14 19:05:04

Well done, fluffy Good luck with the meds change, everyone knows they can be hard to do.

I am so glad it is Friday smile

I had some psychotic thoughts in DBT this week which was frustrating. I talked to one of the course leaders about it and we agreed it is because my life has been stressful this week and when I am stressed my thinking goes a bit squiffy. That said, today has been fine and I am not so bothered about things as I was in DBT yesterday so that is a positive smile

I am going on holiday in a week and a bit and I am very excited, I have got some diazepam for the plane which is a relief because I do not like flying! I am also looking at going to Gran Canaria next May with my Mum smile

My DH says that since I have started work I seem better to him, more confident. I still have wobbles but I am trying my hardest and it seems to be going well.

mypip Sat 14-Jun-14 21:59:06

So pleased you are on your uppers; enjoy your holiday fluffy.

I have not posted on this thread in ages.

I am 30 today and still here and doing well. Work is going fine but my confidence is still lacking so I am working on it. My holiday was really lovely, a much needed break.

I am hating DBT at the moment, but trying to work through that and stick it out.

SnowyMouse Sat 19-Jul-14 13:31:23

Good to hear from you fluffy! Happy birthday! cake

Well done on work, and for sticking with the DBT.

Hqppy Birthday fluffy, and thank you for this cheerful update. I think of you often and am so pleased to know that life is better for you now. Celebrate your achievements today as well as the new decade!

mypip Sun 20-Jul-14 21:15:23

well done fluffy!

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 23-Jul-14 15:47:27

I lost touch with this thread and have just rediscovered it.

I am so glad things have turned out well for you fluffy, sending hugs and warm wishes.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 23-Jul-14 15:47:48

I lost touch with this thread and have just rediscovered it.

I am so glad things have turned out well for you fluffy, sending hugs and warm wishes.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 23-Jul-14 15:48:08

I lost touch with this thread and have just rediscovered it.

I am so glad things have turned out well for you fluffy, sending hugs and warm wishes.

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