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(79 Posts)
endofanera Fri 22-Nov-13 20:58:49

Nothing else to say really. I hate feeling like this. I think I can manage it and hope it will pass. But, I am not functioning normally. Its horrid.

QOD Fri 22-Nov-13 21:01:47

Must be.
You need to talk

Are you alone at home?

endofanera Fri 22-Nov-13 21:05:32

yep alone. Don't now where to turn. I have shut people out, having serious thoughts then they pass and just feel really really depressed and helpless, then the thoughts come back. Really don't know what to do.

Golddigger Fri 22-Nov-13 21:09:09

Have you seen your gp lately.
Has something happened recently to trigger these thoughts?

deelite72 Fri 22-Nov-13 21:10:06

endofanera Fri 22-Nov-13 21:11:54

No not seen gp. Appointments hard to get. Lots has happened. it a long story and pretty unbelievable and confused in my head. I don't think clearly. I am having unwanted thoughts, someone will say a word and I link it to something else (cant say what) but its not who I am. I am not that person.

darkdays Fri 22-Nov-13 21:14:32

Do you have a crisis team in your area? If so they may be able to help. You could also try the samaritans. you should also seek advice/help from your go. You can feel better with the right help. There is hope, even if you can't see that right now.

endofanera Fri 22-Nov-13 21:14:55

I am not well

LooseTitsSinkShips Fri 22-Nov-13 21:16:07

Hi. Stopping by to pass a hug to you. Feeling suicidal is awful and scary. I have felt like that myself and nursed LOTS of others that have (am a mental health nurse). Please, please contact either A&E, your out of hours GP, nhs direct or the Samaritans. There really is help out there for you, and you won't be judged.

Feeling like you've shut people out and not functioning properly is a huge part of being do know depression is a treatable illness that's not your fault?

I am now well again after feeling very depressed for a while, and your happiness and hope can come back too. I know it's hard to see a way out of how you feel, but there is support for you. Please get medical attention as soon as possible.

Sending HUGE hugs thanks

Golddigger Fri 22-Nov-13 21:16:15

Most gps you can get an emergency appointment for the same day.
Do you think that you can wait until monday to have an emergency appointment?

Other options are to ring the samaritans and 999 if necessary.

endofanera Fri 22-Nov-13 21:17:03

I wish this wasn't happening with every bone in my body.

LEMisafucker Fri 22-Nov-13 21:18:38

would it help to talk about things here? Do you feel you might do somehting tonight? you can call the samaritans if you need to hear a voice

Golddigger Fri 22-Nov-13 21:21:50

I can tell that you are not well.

You sound to me like you want to talk. We can listen. And the samaritans are trained listeners.

endofanera Fri 22-Nov-13 21:22:07

I cant do this anymore. Cant call anyone as don't have charge on my phone. Thankyou for your replies. Glad you here.

Golddigger Fri 22-Nov-13 21:30:23
is the email address for samaritans if you are interested anytime.

I am glad that you know that you are not feeling yourself. There is help available.

Are you having thoughts about bad stuff that you have suffered in your past?

endofanera Fri 22-Nov-13 21:33:27

I feel I cant talk as its such a long complicated story. I just want to curl up and go to sleep. I don't have any energy. My head has had enough now. I cant make sense of anything. There is no going back. Everything feels unsalvageable.

endofanera Fri 22-Nov-13 21:35:01

Yes, it is stuff I have suffered in my past. Its come creeping back really unexpectedly and its awkward and horrid. I have no control over the thoughts.

LooseTitsSinkShips Fri 22-Nov-13 21:36:23

You really do seem quite unwell at the moment. Can I ask, do you actually not want to be here anymore, or is it more that you cannot bear to feel how you are feeling anymore?

Lots of times, its the latter, and there is help out there that can change how dreadful you are feeling.

endofanera Fri 22-Nov-13 21:40:22

Its both. I feel I have no choice but to not be here anymore and I cannot not bear to feel this horrid. But, there are reasons to stay I just fluctuate from feeling, not to be here would be the best thing all round. I don't know how I can claw back.

endofanera Fri 22-Nov-13 21:42:14

I cant believe I have come this far after everything. Fighting through everything wasn't worth it. I wish I had ended it as a teenager.

Golddigger Fri 22-Nov-13 21:42:27

Do you think that you need some sort of counselling to untangle your thoughts? It may come under the heading of physcotherapy. Apologies, I dont know the correct term for what you may need.
It sounds like you need a professional to help you unravel things.

PolterWho Fri 22-Nov-13 21:44:27


The Samaritans really are amazing, this is the number: 08457 90 90 90

I hope you can find the support you need to make your life better flowers

Golddigger Fri 22-Nov-13 21:44:31

It sounds like you have hit some sort of stumbling block. Perhaps rather than a difficulty which can never be overcome.

endofanera Fri 22-Nov-13 21:44:48

My god, I have tried so bloody hard in my life. I was doomed to fail. Feels like I am jinxed. I feel like the system has something against me. Its doing everything it can to finish me off. I thought earlier.. its what they want. I am a catalyst and I don't now how to stop it. I really don't want to be!

endofanera Fri 22-Nov-13 21:47:35

Your all so kind and you don't even know me. Thankyou. I feel so massively selfish.

LooseTitsSinkShips Fri 22-Nov-13 21:50:09

It is awful when you feel at the bottom of a big hole, and can't find your way back out. it sounds as if you've lost hope at the minute. BUT right now, you don't have to know how to claw back, you only need to focus on staying safe.

The clawing back and feeling less horrid will happen, but only if you are here. And the best way to remain here is to focus on reasons to stay...and you only need one for it to be worth it....and get help. Can you get to A&E? You will be safe and helped there.

LooseTitsSinkShips Fri 22-Nov-13 22:00:10

You still there? Worried!

endofanera Fri 22-Nov-13 22:01:22

I cant go to A&E. I need to work what's happening in my head. I do need help but cant think clearly enough on what I need to do.

LooseTitsSinkShips Fri 22-Nov-13 22:06:45

Phew! Glad you're still with us.

Its really hard to think clearly when you're in a state. Can you go to bed and sleep on it? Or writing things down often helps. If not, sometimes it can help to distract yourself as much as possible until you can get to talk to someone who can help.

Still sending huge hugs.

Golddigger Fri 22-Nov-13 22:07:32

You are most definitely not selfish.

I very much doubt that you are the reason that everything seems to be going wrong around you right now.

Life can be tough though. Glad you have fought since being a teenager. It must have been hard.

I am sort of making an educated guess as to the sort of things that may have happened to you.
Dont know what has happened recently to give you this big setback.

endofanera Fri 22-Nov-13 22:17:42

thankyou so much LTSS. It is really hard to think. GD. Your right. Its something that has been buried for years and its come out at the most unexpected, badly timed place. Completely taken me by surprise and I never knew it could do that. I am hovering over the crisis team number. I want to deal with this. Get it sorted. My life has been and is one long battle and so very cruel.

Golddigger Fri 22-Nov-13 22:20:50

big hugs to you.

I think you need to ring the crisis team number. These sorts of things dont really go away very well until they are talked about. It may need a professional in your case.

LooseTitsSinkShips Fri 22-Nov-13 22:25:08

Golddigger is right.

Please ring the crisis team.

BuzzardBird Fri 22-Nov-13 22:25:42

What help are you having endo?

endofanera Fri 22-Nov-13 22:31:38

None at the moment. Prefer it that way. But, cant go on like this.

Golddigger Fri 22-Nov-13 22:34:29

Perhaps it would help to ask what it is that frightens you if you ring the crisis number for example?

monopoly123 Fri 22-Nov-13 22:35:10

Give them a call, either the crisis team or Samaritans m; they will help you ' & this is why they're there.

endofanera Fri 22-Nov-13 22:35:14

I was under them in the past. I cant bring myself to phone them. Don't know what I would say.

LooseTitsSinkShips Fri 22-Nov-13 22:36:09

No shame in having help. We all need it sometimes. Can be pretty crap to all about such personal things with a stranger.........but then can also be weirdly helpful to talk about personal things with a stranger. If you see what I mean....

Golddigger Fri 22-Nov-13 22:36:32

Are you perhaps frightened that if you have children, that they might get taken away? That is a common fear. But the reality seems to be that if someone liases with help, then generally that just does not happen. Even if some sort of emotional help is needed over a long period of time.

BuzzardBird Fri 22-Nov-13 22:36:52

Why don't you just try and see what happens? What is the worst thing that can happen? They don't know to us if you like. We don't know you either...but we do care

endofanera Fri 22-Nov-13 22:37:12

I don't know GD. I suppose the reality that I need help and its going to take a while to get better. Been caught up in the system again, just want to be back to normal.

LooseTitsSinkShips Fri 22-Nov-13 22:38:46

Never known anyone lose their kids for feeling depressed/suicidal/going through life crap. Really. Not gonna happen.

Golddigger Fri 22-Nov-13 22:38:56

x post.

Would it be the same person as before?

endofanera Fri 22-Nov-13 22:39:39

I do have children. That is a HUGE fear. I am not blind to the fact that that can happen. But, I ever thought I was a risk to my kids then I would move a hundred miles!

Golddigger Fri 22-Nov-13 22:43:27

I think you realise that you really do need to ring them sooner rather than later. It is very hard, when our minds are in a fog, to see very clearly. Almost impossible if you ask me.
And yes, it may all take a while which is going to be painful. But I really do think that you will find your normal again. I really do.

Golddigger Fri 22-Nov-13 22:44:33

And you sound like a lovely mother. smile

BuzzardBird Fri 22-Nov-13 22:44:40

Ok, so what help do you have from family/friends?

LooseTitsSinkShips Fri 22-Nov-13 22:45:29

The people that lose contact within their kids are the ones who are a proven risk to them. You are not so you will not lose your kids.

BuzzardBird Fri 22-Nov-13 22:45:50

And yes, Golddigger is right. You sound like you wouldn't do anything to put your children in any danger.

endofanera Fri 22-Nov-13 22:51:37

Phoned them. Its a paging service so goodness know how I will wait. Will let you know how it goes. Thankyou so so so so much thanks GD thankyou smile

BuzzardBird Fri 22-Nov-13 22:55:22

We are still here if you want to talk OP thanks

Golddigger Fri 22-Nov-13 22:56:46

You are welcome. Very glad that you rang them. Well done. That took some courage.
I dont know how long you will have to wait. Lets hope it is not long.

LooseTitsSinkShips Fri 22-Nov-13 22:59:01

So glad you phoned. Have these while you wait brew, cake and thanks

endofanera Fri 22-Nov-13 23:37:34

spoke to lovely cpn. He is referring me to MHT and they will be in touch on Monday. I can phone them back anytime if I need too. Will try and hang in there until Monday but feel I can phone if I need to before then.

PolterWho Fri 22-Nov-13 23:38:49

So pleased you've had contact, take it easy now, hope you can get some sleep flowers

BuzzardBird Fri 22-Nov-13 23:49:10

This is so good endo well done. I wish I were as brave as you smile

Golddigger Sat 23-Nov-13 08:09:30

Very glad you now have the support you need.

LEMisafucker Sat 23-Nov-13 11:14:59

Gosh, you are so brave, very well done - things are going to be better now flowers

endofanera Tue 26-Nov-13 22:28:15

Argh! Still feel horrid. MHT team have made an appointment with me for next week. Got diazepam from GP. Have taken too many tonight but not a dangerous amount. Really really struggling with mood swings. I have so much adrenaline at the moment. Cant do what I normally do in the eve, watch telly, Facebook etc etc. HATE HATE feeling like this. I have faith it will pss eventually but its so hard not creating a crisis situation, even though I now that's what is needed - I think??? One minuite I am totally overwhelmed with happiness and plans for life, the next I am questioning those plans and rationalising where they come from. Followed by complete despair. I feel so unstable at the moment. I hate crisis!!!!

endofanera Tue 26-Nov-13 22:41:59

Please.. anyone there?? I feel out of control sad

fliss28 Tue 26-Nov-13 22:53:46

So sorry to hear u are feeling this bad. hmm Hugs to u. I was just reading ur thread and wanted to say u are not alone. Sorry I can't be of much help, hmm

LEMisafucker Tue 26-Nov-13 22:53:53

I am ere, whats wrong?

LEMisafucker Tue 26-Nov-13 22:54:02


endofanera Tue 26-Nov-13 23:02:07

Feeling really unstable. Since I got the diazepam I feel like aking all of them. Its an impulsive thing. Feeling really unwell. Mood swings are bizarre at the moment. One minute I want to plan a huge Christmas party with lots of people, start a campaign, run a marathon etc etc the next I feel stupid for thinking those things. Feel detached from reality. ont want to be around people as I am not as I should be. Taken far to many diazepam too but not a dangerous amount. Day by day hour by hour!

LEMisafucker Tue 26-Nov-13 23:29:52

I think you should call someone - even if its just the samaritans. I remember taking too much diazepam once, horrible paranoid feeling. Can you call your crisis team?

endofanera Wed 27-Nov-13 06:49:05

Thanks LEM. I phoned Samaritan's. They where helpful. I managed to go to bed and sleep. Feeling less unstable at the moment. Really looking forward to this episode been over!!

LEMisafucker Wed 27-Nov-13 08:21:14

Glad you are feeling a bit better and you were able to talk to someone x

endofanera Wed 27-Nov-13 20:43:22

I give up. There is nothing I can do to make this shit end. It all hurts so much. I cant do this anymore. I am not even sodding articulate enough to explain my inner turmoil. I if told the whole story of what happened to me.. no one would believe it. Cant stop this bloody roller-coaster. Its all a mess, my life is ruined. I am tired. Want to take an OD so so so so so much. But, it would ruin my kids and I cant do that to them. At least I can see that. The other day I thought it would be the best thing for them if I ended it. But the joy in my DC when she is with mummy and daddy, I couldn't do it. But, if any more crap happens that is on the same ilk that has been happening I will have no choice.

Golddigger Wed 27-Nov-13 20:47:40

Just noticed this.

I would believe you endofanera.
I have heard things in my life. I used to be a mentor for people who had all sorts happen to them.

endofanera Wed 27-Nov-13 21:00:51

I haven't got the energy to explain. I just want to end it!!!!!!!! Take away this fucking shit from my life. Its all my fault my dc is disabled. If I didn't have mental health issues the dr's would have believed there was something seriously wrong with my child. Instead the focused on me. Meanwhile my dc had swelling on her brain and now is disabled. I am now been bullied by the nhs ( damage limitation) and dc isn't getting the help she needs. That's just half of it. I have failed as a mum. I live in a world that has zero empathy. I cant see a future for me. I am tired.

endofanera Wed 27-Nov-13 21:30:19

I am going to end this conversation now. I can deal with this, I have too!
It will pass. Sorry to sound so desperate!! Just need to try with all my strength not to OD!!! x

Golddigger Wed 27-Nov-13 21:37:27

[hugs] and more [hugs]

That is enough to make anyone feel tired.
There are lots of different parts in that to deal with.
And trying to battle the NHS must be awful.

LEMisafucker Wed 27-Nov-13 21:54:52

Just to offer you more hugs, it sounds like you have too much on your plate just now sad But you know what, you are that little girls mum and you're fighting like a tigress for her, even when you are exhausted.

Can i just say, you seem to go really downhill of a night - i think you should tell this to your crisis team? That is when you seem to need the support.

Lovely - there is NO WAY on this earth your DD is disabled because of you, NO WAY, I don't know the situation and i am loathe to suggest something that will bring you more stress but if you feel you weren't listened to by the medics then maybe you need some legal advice? Not for compensation but to ensure that your DD gets the help she needs. You must stop blaming yourself it is not your fault.

endofanera Thu 28-Nov-13 22:34:22

Phoned crisis team again as have no meds left. They couldn't help as no dr's on duty. Called 111 who wanted me to go to a&e. Not possible. Have now taken a small OD of piriton in the hope it induces sleep. Its hasn't. Feel like taking more!!! Need some decent medical help but no where to turn at this time of night. Cant sleep, cant deal with how I feel. Would call an ambulance if it meant I would get help but would no doubt be dropped at a&e made to wait for hours, have an assessment then be sent home and back to square one. Cant believe the soonest appointment with MHT is not until late next week!

HoopHopes Thu 28-Nov-13 23:02:30

If you are needing more prn meds then crisis team generally are nt the quickest way to get them. The quickest way is a gp or out of hours service. The way to get an appointment with an out of hours dr, who will prescribe what you ran out of is to tell them what you need. If you tell them you are suicidal ( not done anything but feeling it) then they will always say a and e, which means you will not get a gp to prescribe it for you.

If you need medical treatment for an OD then a and e is where to go. Only you know whether you need treatment. I do not know what taking a bit more of piriton does so get medical help if you need it.

Yes they cannot give you any quicker access to MH support than what you already have, which is access to a crisis team and an appointment on Tue, which is not far away now.

Have you used the Samaritans, they can be helpful to offload.

Going to see a gp tomorrow ( phone for emergency appointment) to tell them what you did with the piriton is helpful. They could help with prn medication, if they think it will help.

Are you on AD's, is it worth asking about them or reviewing dosage?

HoopHopes Thu 28-Nov-13 23:05:09

Can you get someone to drive you to a and e if you cannot get an out of hours appointment if you want medical treatment? Or a taxi? Do you need an ambulance for urgent medical treatment before you can get to a and e by other transport, if so phoning an ambulance is right.

endofanera Fri 29-Nov-13 07:15:06

Thanks Hoop. Phoned Samaritans in the end who where brill!!! Went to bed with no drama's. Going to try and see dr today. Getting very fed up with this episode now! Not on AD's. I am thinking I need to try and mood stabiliser. I have been on olanzapine in the past but don't need to go back on that thankfully!

HoopHopes Fri 29-Nov-13 16:40:05

Glad Samaritans brill - use them any time you struggling!!

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