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Worry Bucket Thread.

(134 Posts)
HowlingTrap Thu 21-Nov-13 15:36:03

Its an Idea, it may work it might equally flop.
I have Depression, I had good days, ok days and bad, bad days, I have a diary which helps in a way but finding time is hard at times for some reason a computer seems easier etc, but it doesn't give feedback and sometimes I need it,
So I thought start this , see it if helps me or anyone else, anyone with any issue can type the mind rambles that aren't really coherent anywhere else, or just whinge or announce or talk about progress or lack thereof of it irl, I will be doing that a lot I feel I'm in the process of finally being treated adequately 8 years down the line , I;m waiting for blood tests to rule out thyroids etc which is necessary but urgh!
Did the NHS Depression test got 23/27.

Anyhoo, please let me know if people think this is a good Idea,

DoctorWhom Thu 21-Nov-13 15:54:29

I like this. I have depression too. Probably started grumbling years ago but had DD two years ago and things have been really not right since. Returned to work and my confidence is shot to pieces - I'm seriously considering leaving. Except I used to love my job. So I'm not making any drastic changes just yet. But I feel a little bit lost. I started citalopram a few weeks ago but I'm not yet feeling it. I think feedback is really important too, I think this could take off.

Milkhell Thu 21-Nov-13 16:18:35

I've had a really, really shit day. I hate my life. I love the people in my life immensely but I hate myself and hate my situation. I never thought I'd end up like this, the type of person with serious mental health problems who is a disappointment and burden to my children, husband and mother but I am. I can't believe how badly things have turned out and I can't see a way out. Helps to get it out.

HowlingTrap Thu 21-Nov-13 20:41:32

I'm glad people see it as helpful, I can relate I do think having kids shoots your confidence, maybe because mum = frumpy in most people eyes? dunno.

I'm sorry to hear that Mikhell, I relate to how ur feeling, I feel like that too at times.

DoctorWhom Fri 22-Nov-13 08:31:53

Maybe...for me I've never been a confident person. At least not until I've proved it to myself. I feel I'm doing a half-assed job of both my jobs, which just self-perpetuates into further crappy confidence.

HowlingTrap Fri 22-Nov-13 10:47:54

But look at it this way , your a mum and managing 2 jobs? thats really good.

I'm so tired oif waiting , gotta wait till end of the month such a pain in the arse sad

HowlingTrap Mon 25-Nov-13 12:36:49

A question? does any of your depression make you feel physically Ill?

DoctorWhom Mon 25-Nov-13 15:32:14

Don't think so...I feel more tired than I should given how much sleep I get - albeit disturbed.

I can't believe you're having to wait so long for tests - is there not a walk-in service at your local hospital? They can usually be done same day.

HowlingTrap Mon 25-Nov-13 21:21:10

Hmm , when I was on implant,mirena etc I'm intolerant to hormonal contraception, had loadsa tests for anaemia etc nothing , but I feel very similar

run down, lethargic, just very ill much more than usual I have heard thats a symptom of Depression.

thesnowmanrocks Tue 26-Nov-13 17:37:05

Can I join? Had depression on and of since I was 10, (I had a nervous breakdown) I'm 32 now! Been with me always it seems. This last week it's all gone down hill yet again!

Had another shit day, then too top it off I had a go at step dad as he was making a joke of the young girls in news today who were raped by other boys? Or something? I was abused by my cousin when I was 7-8. I said if he had ever been raped you wouldn't joke. He said they wre asking for it. So I said you tell that to my 7-8yr old self. He said that was different.

Well, I prob did fly off hadle. That's me if I'm down, it's like all my hurt and anger comes out for whatever happens to have pissed me off! I know it's wrong but it's like I've been hurt by those closest to me and then I do it to them.

I hate myself, how can I expect anyone to like me? If I don't even like me. Never have I think?! Why does this shity depression have to bite you on the arse when you least expect. My life always seems to be shit after shit (excluding my dc, they are the only ones that can make me smile.)

ijustwant8hours Tue 26-Nov-13 17:54:01

I feel physically ill. I ache, everything is heavy. It feels like someone is squeezing my head and my chest and i feel naseous.

I also have pins and needles in my fingers and, very oddly, lips. I have the fidgets as well, can't keep my hands still.

I have to go out tonight to help make decorations, I am steeling myself now. I have to make myself go and make myself smiley and 'normal'.

I had an underactive thyroid a few years ago after ds and it was really very like depression btw, definitely worth the blood tests

fuzzpig Tue 26-Nov-13 18:20:00

I'll join! I have a 3 positive things thread going too but it'd be good to talk about worries here. Thank you thanks

HowlingTrap Wed 27-Nov-13 12:03:53

Of course anyone can Join smile

I can't imagine what that must be like snowman, I think with the older generation I'm afraid you have to accept their too old to change, and be grateful newer generations are better informed. Not that its much of a consolation.

Hmm , I'm still having them panicking though need someone to have kids, and can't find my mobile !!!!

pinklady1107 Wed 27-Nov-13 18:51:40

I'll join if I may - on a bad day for various reasons. Upstairs lying on my bed just want to cry sad

thesnowmanrocks Thu 28-Nov-13 06:02:23

Thankyou howlingtrap, never really thought of it like that.

Just had had a shower as ds5 awoke me as usuall. Got a stinking cold, and feel like sleeping for 100 years!
Never mind, I have to just get on and cope as "normal"!

It's my 6th wedding anniversary today. Been together 11yrs. I don't feel happy or looking forward to the day. I shall be lucky if Dh gets me a card!
Doubt we shall even do anything as everything costs. Tbh I don't even feel like going for a nice walk with him (as it's free!). Just want to drop ds at school and come straight back home.

I feel safer at home, then it's only my crap to deal with and no one else can interact with me. When I feel like this I just want to be on my own and not talk to anyone. It's like I just go inwards. Oh I don't know, I'm just rambling.

I hope you all have a better day today (there's always hope!) or a positive day and I'm sure we shall all come out the other side at some point however long that maybe. smile

thesnowmanrocks Thu 28-Nov-13 06:09:58

Meant to give everyone brew and thanks to start our day with!

HowlingTrap Fri 29-Nov-13 11:13:38

thanks snowman
had my blood tests today, so to rule out thyroids, disbetes, anaemia cuz' I explained to the doctor my depression is essentially like a physical illness it makes me feel very ill, like I've not slept in ages.
I think that's what most people don't get, its not just 'being a bit down' it largely affects your body on a physical scale.

although I'm hope and am a bit concerned nothing bad comes back about those tests.

HowlingTrap Thu 12-Dec-13 10:57:19

Having one of those days where I just want to crawl into bed and not face anyone, I really envy my childless friends who can do this and I can't.

My flat is fucking freezing sad urgh not a good day.

wetwetwetfan Thu 12-Dec-13 11:25:09

Cried myself to sleep last night, after DH had a moan that i had virtually ignored him all evening.
I have only just started on sertraline 6 days ago. I have a pounding, heavy head and really disturbed sleep but my mood seems to be worse. GP assures me that this is normal but i am supposed to be at CBT counseling this afternoon and really think it would be counterproductive to go along in this negative frame of mind.
My default when things get tough is to withdraw into myself and go very quiet... DH just sees me pushing him away. I haven't got the energy to worry about his feelings as well as my own. Feel like the worlds shittiest wife..

HowlingTrap Thu 12-Dec-13 12:58:33

Aw that must be rough, have you explained to him all the possiblew side effects, I think all you can reassure him you seeming 'off' is the meds. If he's still arsy then he's at fault not you.

wetwetwetfan Thu 12-Dec-13 14:13:50

I think he knows its the meds making things worse..the withdrawn behaviour though is a long standing pattern. He suggested that I have been suffering with depression for a while and just not realised it. My inability to talk about what's bothering me has haunted me for a long time. Now that I reflect I know that most of the time I didn't even know what it was that I was bothered about, just a low feeling that made me withdraw even more. Things have come to a head recently when our marriage really started to fail. He moved out and then I found out he had been with someone else. I fell to pieces and seemed to have been on a downward spiral since...

Looking forward to the day that I can say 'wow...that was a rough ride, glad that's over'.

HowlingTrap Thu 12-Dec-13 14:36:04

Oh right, been a long rough road then,

why did you take him back out of interest? without sounding critical I can't think of anything more counterproductive to getting well.

wetwetwetfan Thu 12-Dec-13 17:08:52

Because I love him. Because he is my best friend. Because I believe my, our, marriage is worth fighting for, because our relationship was failing and I had a big part to play in that. Because I believe him when he tells me it was a mistake and he is sorry. Because I cannot imagine my life without him with me... despite what he has done (and in terms of affairs it was a few weeks of them texting/calling then one meeting for a drink which turned into sex in a car park after he had moved out)..... despite that I do feel that marriage is worth it. I am just struggling to find the energy to give it what it needs at the moment...

Maybe I am wrong to give him another chance but I feel like I have to try.

ashamedoverthinker Thu 12-Dec-13 17:26:57


ashamedoverthinker Thu 12-Dec-13 17:45:04

Im just going to type and dump this post

Well I've namechanged because I feel ashamed and embarassed by a couple of things but NOT that I have had and still do suffer mild to moderate bouts of depression and anxiety.

I worry constantly - this can tip over into anxiety.

I wish I could relax - I see others being laid back and think 'if only I could relax and enjoy life more' This is constant not when I'm feeling particularly anxcious of down

I am confident and chatty outgoing but then walk away and worry about what I said, talking too much, dwelling on things, wondering what people think about me - I hate this about myself as I seem to be self absorbed.

I never feel like I am living my life correctly but I'm not sure what I woud change - more me time maybe. I don't have a particulalry stressful life, a littel lonely of late...

I find it very difficult to let go of things. I ended a friendship, I never said my piece to 2 people. I'm ashamed I constanly bitch (to myself only) about them. I feel like loopy. I know this is bad karma. Its negative and horrible. I wish I could let go the whole thing. I see one often and it grates on me constantly. Speaking to them is not an option. I hate myself for being so horrible about this situation that I cant let go of in my head, even though I have moved on friendship wise. It has made me guarded - I dont want anymore friends.

I get angry and shout at the kids I hate hate hate myself for this.

I know I need to be more positive. I can see my attitude reflected in my DS.

So basically I feel shit about myself, as in who I am and I always feel like I'm treading water.

Mrsfrumble Fri 13-Dec-13 06:42:22

Oh ashamedoverthinker, are you me??

I go to bed at night, full of resolve that tomorrow will be different and I'll be better at everything, and by about 9am it's obvious that it will be just the same as every other day and the knot of guilt and anxiety forms in my stomach.

I'm permanently exhausted and a crap, shouts, resentful mother. I worry that I'm fucking up my children, that my DS has ASD or emotional problems and no one can see it but me, that I'll never have the energy or courage to change.

A hug to everyone on this thread. I feel better just for having got that off my chest....

ashamedoverthinker Fri 13-Dec-13 09:50:39

<hugs> mrsfrumble

Im going out today to meet up with some newish friends. They are really nice. Im going to try and enjoy it and not talk too much.

HowlingTrap Fri 13-Dec-13 10:15:39

I didn't mean to criticise wetwetwet its just I think his emotions and the crap that comes with it might be taking up too much room atm, I think women are conditioned to 'make it work' that turns into flogging a dead horse.

I feel like crap today, emotionally like a failure, like everyone is judging has an opinion pfft,I'm having one of those days where I just want to go to bed and not wake up..

wetwetwetfan Fri 13-Dec-13 10:58:10

I am glad that you asked the question howlingtrap. I haven't told any of my family and only two of my very close friends. They both reserved their own judgments and just offered a supportive shoulder rather than questioning my motives. I like that this forum is honest.

I used to think that if he ever cheated on me he'd be out the door. I wasn't one of those women who would put up with such crap. In reality it is so complicated and emotional that i had to weigh what i really wanted and decided that i wanted it to work. Guess you don't really know til you're in it.

I am sorry you're having a bad morning. <hugs>
I didn't fall asleep until gone 4.30am so my bed is also the place i want to be curled up in today. Insomnia is a bitch.

batterylow Fri 13-Dec-13 11:59:34

Can I join you all? Really relate to a lot that is being said. I am on day six of starting citalopram and mood is really low, anxiety and obsessive thoughts worse too.

My dh had an affair about six months ago, I don't want the relationship to end and I don't want to deal with my feelings of jealousy and betrayed either, i feel trapped. I was depressed before that too I think, probably PND and bizarrely came out of depression briefly when he told me of the affair and managed to find the energy somehow to have my own. Now I have crashed massively , can't believe this is my life. Hope the anti depressents start working soon.

batterylow Fri 13-Dec-13 12:02:05

Wetwetwet I agree you can't know what you would do till it happens. I have a complicated home set up and due to one child having disabilities I can't manage both alone right now. Dh is about as sorry as is possible and doing everything he can to help me but it doesn't help, I want it not to have happened. I think if it wasn't for the children and the fact he does so much for me I would have chucked him out but I feel its not possible right now, I am not even sure that's what I want .

wetwetwetfan Fri 13-Dec-13 12:33:00

I think that our relationship was on the brink of doom when he succumbed to someone else's attention. Sounds awful but before I found out I think I was going to let it end a natural death. He wasn't happy, knew something was wrong with 'us', I think now that I have also been suffering from depression and just not known it. Youngest ds is 3 and things seemed to have been slowly sinking since his birth. I also had a massive burst of energy and fight in me when I found out. Think it gave me a reality check that my marriage really was ending. Here I am 2 months later crashing and burning with meds. Feel like a complete failure in life and so emotionally drained. I cancelled my counselling yesterday then lied to dh that they had cancelled it. Even that feels like failure.
I am hoping that the meds will take away this rollercoaster feeling so I can focus a bit more. Hopefully we will both start feeling better soon batterylow.
My children have no disabilities so can't imagine how hard that must be for you to cope with as well. And so he should be helping you, even if you decide if it not what you want, you should still be able to rely on him to help with the dc.

batterylow Fri 13-Dec-13 13:30:17

Thanks yes , it's sad because he has always been pretty good at doing stuff, I know he should be but he tends to be the one doing stuff as I am often preoccupied or a bit down. I have been extremely critical of him for a long time and had been unsure of the relationship as he knew, I tend to take out my anger etc on him and so although I bet it sounds like I am excusing him, I can see how he felt the need for a self esteem boost. What I need to decide now is whether I wanted to be with him in the first place and whether it is now doomed regardless. I slept with someone else which helped at the time but actually the whole business has delayed this crash in mood , it was a temporary fix!

I'm sorry you are going through this but it is good to know I a, not the only one to make the decision to keep trying at least for now. We both have very young children and its a hard time without all of this, yes letsbhopenthe ads are the boost we both need.

wetwetwetfan Fri 13-Dec-13 19:53:56

Bleughhhhh......spent the afternoon bawling. Stupidly googled her name and saw pics of her. So hate myself for torture I put myself through....

batterylow Fri 13-Dec-13 19:59:40

I have done the same, looked her up on facebook, its a hideous feeling. I know its horrible but I am glad my dh has the same horrible thoughts to torture himself with about me with someone else!

I had hypnotherapy to help me deal with the imagery and obsessive thoughts about hating her etc and it worked for a shirt while but not enough, I am better about it but it comes and goes, I feel I can't leave the house sometimes as panic we will bump into her. I am hoping cbt will help with it a little as I need to stop making myself worse over it. I really sympathise, it is awful.

HowlingTrap Fri 13-Dec-13 22:53:32

I don't know if this is a class thing (painfully working class)
But I cannot imagine anyone I know going through various kinds of therapy to get over cheating, it sounds relentless and with little reward, don't you worry that numbing the pain so to speak its rightful anger thats there for a reason?

Sorry I sound like one of those Hope Vampires from the relationship boards, I struggle to get my head around it tbh.

wetwetwetfan Sat 14-Dec-13 12:23:41

Not sure that class is a factor? I am very working class and cbt is through my gp for low self esteem, negative thought patterns and fucked up childhood. The cheating thing is just one part of a shitty life at the moment. Unfortunately it's so painful that it seems to overshadow the other things that have been causing damage to my mental health.

I don't doubt that the anger has it's rightful place but dealing with it needs to be constructive or it just ends up destructive...usually to the person who is angry. We have such fragile minds and bodies that we should use any and or all available ways to help us..whether that's hypnotherapy or crying on a friends shoulder.

You don't seem to be a vampire and I understand how it must look to people outside this experience...��

batterylow Sat 14-Dec-13 18:17:43

Cbt is free so definitely not a money thing, no idea about class but I think its becoming more well known about the benefits of it so is suggested frequently.

I agree you can't get over cheating by therapy for the "victim" but the thing is, the cheated on person unfortunately often suffers low self esteem as a result of it, its another horrible consequence through no fault of our own. So the cbt in my case is to help with that,and other self esteem issues that probably lead up to how bad my relationship had got if I am honest. I totally would have said the same as you before this and not sure my relationship is reparable some days but feel if it isn't I need to be able to say I tried to get past this. I think when you are facing the reality of separating, effects on children etc its different to thinking about it, in an ideal world it would not have happened but now I need to deal with my life from now on and I am not sure being a single parent who can't manage her children without outside help would be a better life for me or e children right now, it may be more straight forward for others.

batterylow Sat 14-Dec-13 18:22:05

Meant to ask wetwetwet how you are feeling today? I'm not good emotionally but feeling better sickness wise from starting the tablets.

wetwetwetfan Sat 14-Dec-13 19:27:43

Not too bad actually batterylow....No tears today and found myself laughing at my three year old giggling at something silly. Felt like I haven't done that for such a long time. The sickness is also better for me today.. maybe because I have actually tried hard to make sure I take it with food. Says on the packet that you can take with or without but read somewhere on here about people needing to have food to stop the nausea.

batterylow Sat 14-Dec-13 19:37:39

Yes mine say that too (think we are on different ones but both ssris ? I am on citalopram. I have found I get reeeeally bad nausea if I have them without eating though so have been eating little and often. Unfortunately I am now obsessing over gaining weight!

That's good you are able to see the funny side again, I wonder if these drugs have a cumulative effect , ie even though we have anxiety etc as side effects little positive changes are happening too that will continue to improve? I hope so.

wetwetwetfan Sat 14-Dec-13 20:18:37

Yes I am hoping that it's the drugs 'kicking in'. I am kind of expecting to have good days and bad days but definitely felt like today was a much better day than last several weeks.

To be honest I am finding chatting on here a big help... just knowing I am not the only one to have these type of problems.
I wish I could be honest and tell my family but my mum lives 6 hours away (not a phone conversation really is it) and my sisters have problems of their own to deal with. Funny that they always feel free to tell me all about their problems and I am expected to be the one who helps everyone else. The strong one. Maybe that is what comes of being the oldest and I have taken it on myself.

I have also been writing stuff down in a journal , how I feel , what I am thinking, how bad it is, total rambling but really honest. I let husband read it last night. I was so low and tearful but couldn't get the words out so I let him read it. He cried his eyes out. I felt relieved, like he actually got it without me getting my words all mixed up.

batterylow Sat 14-Dec-13 20:24:05

Yes I find it really helpful too, especially the mental health boards (tend to stick to this and special needs ones these days through bitter experience when feeling fragile!)

I bet there are lots of people in similar situations, relationship wise we tend to mostly hear about the ones who don't make it, possibly they are the majority but who knows because if I am keeping this secret, I can't be the only one so who knows how many have survived this and told no one. I told a close friend but no one else knows because I didn't think it would help me to hear how bad everyone thought it was etc etc.

And in terms of depression , one in four people is the figure I was told for the number of people who have experienced it so we are definitely not alone.

wetwetwetfan Sat 14-Dec-13 20:58:57

My sister has suffered for several years and her daughter has ended up in hospital for self harming so it's noteven like my family wouldn't be sympathetic and understanding. It's almost like I feel ashamed that I am ill...stupid I know. I am sure that once I begin to feel better I will be able to face telling people. Only 2 dear friends know what dh has done. He has also told a work colleague who knew we were having bad problems. I don't want people to judge him and I don't want them to judge my decision to stay with him. And they's human nature.
I know of 2 couples who have stayed together after one partner was unfaithful. One couple still have major trust and 'anger' issues (in other words everything he does pisses her off) , the other couple are happier than they have ever been. Guess I am hoping to end up with the happy ever after.

batterylow Sat 14-Dec-13 21:11:31

See, everything my dh does has always pissed me off!! So hard isn't it, definitely not the easy option. I hate the thought that I would be seen to be putting up with being treated badly but I hate the thought of the fallout if we split too, I don't want it. Friends and family would be so shocked if they knew, I think they would expect it to be me rather than him, if anyone was to be unfaithful! Very lonely taking this path in some ways.

As for depression , I have told a few friends, the ones I know understand about depression and won't ask why (ie will understand that its not always an event that caused it, in my case I was depressed way before my relationship went down hill, too depressed to go for help really) they tend to be the friends I am more honest with whereas others would be surprised because I am very good at staying in control and seeming cheerful.

wetwetwetfan Sat 14-Dec-13 21:52:40

I really am now thinking that I was depressed for a long time before we started having problems. Is it even possible to be that ill and not even know it!?
I had a rough pregnancy, worked full time in a v stressful job, had 3 other kids to look after, went back to full time work when ds was 6 months, (yes that's right 4 little angels to keep me busy) , dh started having his own counselling for childhood sexual abuse, ( think that triggered repressed emotions of my own) , he started ADs for anxiety and became more confident and social, whilst my own self esteem was getting worse, he started going out more with colleagues and friends taking up new hobbies, I started to withdraw from mine and resent him for his. The more I look back over the last couple of years and replay my emotional state of mind I think that my low moments were not just feeling a bit miserable but really feeling worthless and useless.

It's only now that I can see that this feeling is not normal and that this is depression. I wish I had had the sense and knowledge to speak about how I was feeling before.
I wish I had told my husband how I was feeling instead of withdrawing from him and making him believe that I didn't actually care.

Bleughhhh...need to stop thinking about the 'should haves' .

Exhale the past, inhale the future.

batterylow Sat 14-Dec-13 22:04:11

Yes I think it probably is possible. I can see now that the fact I was always calm throughout really serious problems (dd seriously ill, previous relationship breakdowns, etc) was because I was emotionally detached as if it was happening to someone else, very bizarre and at bad moments I wonder if I am more ill than I thought.

When I had my second I felt crushing depression though from her being around ten weeks, it was like living in a nightmare, everything the same but different. I just couldn't find the energy to tell anyone and kept thinking I was just tired, stressed etc. I really know what you mean about the should haves but as dh has said, it was his choice, whatever else was going on it was a horrible choice.

I keep wondering if when my self esteem is better though, will I just think what he did was not forgive able and end it?! I feel its not forgive able anyway though I guess, its just moving on with life now. He is certainly very sorry. Like your dh he had a huge history of issues as did I and I wish we both got help before this.

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate, don't blame yourself, you did what you had to at the time to get by and were managing in very difficult circumstances.

Lonelybunny Sat 14-Dec-13 22:05:17

Can I join in ? I've suffered with depression since I was 18. It's been on and off since I'm 29 now. I also am going through bad anxiety including health anxiety. I also feel life is going far too quickly and I'm missing out on too much. I worry about anything and everything which often becomes an obsession .
I was put on citalopram early summer for really bad anxiety however I weaned my self off as my hair was falling out and my weight went up. But I all fairness since I stopped the citalopram this hasn't really improved . I also was tested for thyroid which came back boderline then normal 2 months later. I've now also stopped taking the pill as I feel maybe that's been making matters worse , since stopping 6 weeks ago I feeling a bit happier and a bit more myself . But still hit bad lows and have anxiety now and again but it has and is I hope improving

wetwetwetfan Sat 14-Dec-13 22:23:09

Welcome lonely bunny... smile

I am new to this site but already astounded at the number of people who are on here for help and support. Think we all need a hand to hold sometimes...

wetwetwetfan Sun 15-Dec-13 12:21:18

Rubbish nights a couple of hours between 6 and 8ish this morning. Insomnia is doing my nut in!!!!
On upside I am about to take the dogs for a walk with dh. A bit of time out from the noisy kids...
Hope you are all feeling better today. X

batterylow Sun 15-Dec-13 20:20:59

Hi lonelybunny, I think the pill can affect some people badly. Also , when I was on the mini pill I had ovarian cysts which led to some hair loss and other symptoms. May not be relevant to you but thought I would mention as I think it can be hormonal.

Wetwetwet me too, although mainly due to children getting me up! Hope your walk helped your mood though.

I am a bit calmer today, or at least have generalised anxiety nothing specific which believe it or not is an improvement!

wetwetwetfan Mon 16-Dec-13 09:44:42

Had a lovely walk thanks batterylow...have had some quite intense conversations with dh over the last week, usually ending with one or both of us crying. Was nice to just walk quietly without stressing.

I am becoming calmer and more 'rational' . Sort of able to think about things without being overwhelmed by it all or instantly thinking of the worst scenario. It does creep in but I can stop it consuming me...if you know what I mean. I assume it's the meds starting to work.

My ds told me I was the best mummy in the world this morning and asked if we could cuddle all day. I want to eat him he's so gorgeous. Today is going to be a good day. I am going for a swim later when have dropped him at nursery.

I hope today is good for you too.. if you are feeling an improvement, no matter how small, then that's good. Small steps....

batterylow Mon 16-Dec-13 13:07:03

Sounds like you are doing really well. I am ok too, beginning to be able to see a way forward one day so tiny steps, still have the moments of doom forever but its not all the time and getting less. The children are worth getting better for.

I had insomnia last night but think it would have happened anyway with the move etc happening. Hope for a better nights sleep tonight.

ashamedoverthinker Mon 16-Dec-13 13:33:48

Hello wetwetwetfan (again) I posted up thread about my current issues which is basically mild anxiety and low self esteem.

What happened to me:

I found he had an EA online via FB
We argued very badly for a week
He left (DS at the time was 3.5)
I was devastated, on the floor in pieces.
We started divorce proceedings - he started a relationship (not EA one) and I started to adjust to being a LP and got my head together.
We started to talk calmer
We got back together slowly. The whole thing took a year to resolve but longer to fully heal - but I still have scars.

Now I know there are many on relationship boards who would say a lot lay at his door. But I had to take a good look at myself, my behaviour. I sorted myself out in that I forgave myself, then him - this brought me an immense sense of calm. (It took me months to get there). I was always committed to the marriage but didnt always respect it or him. When he realised I had calmed down he started to talk.

One factor in my behaviour leading up to him leaving was being desperately unhappy on a number of levels. I realised it was not his responsibility to make me happy and that was under my control. I gained alot of strenght from that period in my life - now I feel downtrodden, I bumble along. One thing that helped me immensly was exercise - after talking to DH at the weekend it is agreed I MUST go to to the gym even if it is late at night.

Im trying so hard to be positive and get on with things to even try and enjoy life I have everything I need to. It is down to me (SAHP) but I know I have his support.

When you have a wave of panic (this used to help me) - ask yourself is it actually happening NO! so I do not need to think about it now.

Whenever anything came in to my head about the other women he dated (I had seen pics and knew quite a bit about her) I told myself she might have had him then but he was on loan.

I did do a bit of old fashioned make over type stuff and always made myself the 'better option'.

<hands wetwetwetfan a dog lead - a big long one!>

BouncyBabe98 Mon 16-Dec-13 14:36:51

I suffer from depression and anxiety. I am really ashamed of it. Have been put on meds by dr but wish I could be given more of an actual diagnosis, that sucks . I know most people would say go back to the dr etc but dr constantly changed (live in London) and its humiliating going and starting from the beginning over again

ashamedoverthinker Mon 16-Dec-13 14:52:32

I know Bouncy after heart to heart with DH on Sat nigth he wants me to go to GP but I dont want to go through it all. It can be quite distressing and I feel utterly drained afterwards.

Maybe wait and see if the meds start to pick you up. I have never took meds so dont know too much but do kow some people report positive changes in how they feel.

I must say a lot of what I know about it all I have read up on it myself. But I think you have to pick the right time to do this.

Try doing some self help stuff, basics about getting up, dressed and going out everyday. keep it simple until you feel up to bigger things.

batterylow Mon 16-Dec-13 15:27:12

Hi ashamed and bouncy! Ashamedoverthinker, I am having similar relationship stuff to wetwetwet and its really helpful to hear your story. I know my behaviour and attitude towards my marriage was pretty poor in the run up to dh cheating, its no excuse but I have accepted that there were real reasons for him to feel rejected, I am not saying that makes what he did acceptable but I know what you mean about self forgiveness , I hope I get there too. I am really up and down with obsessing over it, its a horrible thing to have hanging over me so I am glad to hear from someone further down the line.

HowlingTrap Mon 16-Dec-13 15:39:20

Hi hope all is well with everyone,
I'm at a low ebb today 2 poorly kids , and low mood just posted this thread,
I'm feeling quite troubled by it today, makes me feel like I'm a shit mum for having had GC into this family has done them a disservice. :{

wetwetwetfan Mon 16-Dec-13 16:57:27

Thanks for sharing ashamed. Must have been a hard time for you both to have started divorce proceedings.

I imagine that it was a lot of soul searching that led you to get back together. I am sure that half the battle is finding out what caused the problems in the first place. For me this depression has been like a silent curse. Coupled with low self esteem and childhood issues which cause me to find it so hard to deal with conflict of any sort. Even 'normal' arguing.

Something that has helped me a little is the knowledge that 'she' could have been anyone. It wasn't about her as a person, it was more about the affection\ attention that he needed that he wasn't getting from me. She just happened to be there. He knew her from a work related thing, they had a 'connection' ie she told him she'd always fancied him. They started texting and chatting. Started to get flirty then intimate. He says he knew at that point that something was really wrong with our marriage for that to even be happening so he told me he needed to move out to see what we really wanted. I stupidly let him hindsight I should have put up more of a fight but I don't argue well and emotions of my mum leaving when I was a child kind of clouded what was happening. He met with her for a drink and they had sex after he had moved out. A week later we had a huge row.. I just let everything out and we both realised that we wanted to make our marriage work. The next day I overheard part of a conversation and knew that he wasn't telling me everything.. he then confessed about this ow.

I don't like to sound like I am making excuses for him but I know that when he was texting becoming close to this ow he was also trying to talk to me about what was wrong with us and I just shut off from him emotionally. I made him think that I didn't really care. Especially when he said that he should move out and i didn't ask him not to. I think that if it was the other way round he would have begged me not to go.

Everything since then is a little bit of a blur. But we are getting there.. I know it will take a long time to move on from it and I imagine that trusting him is going to take some time to heal. I keep finding myself checking his phone and Facebook.
That's the hard bit for me... every time his phone pings with a message my stomach wrenches. He even put it on silent to help me but I still panic when I see it.

(For the record I hate Facebook.... it sucks the life out of people, spending hours looking at pics of other people's 'perfect' lives. Reconnecting with people you went to school with 20 years ago or worse ex-partners. Those people are not your friends! Giving the opportunity to have conversations with people that just would not ever happen in real life. Would you say to your work colleagues 'hey fancy a game of monopoly later?' Sorry just had to get that out!)

I wish I could afford a holiday somewhere hot and sunny.

Sorry just realised that I am writing my life history here. Thanks for reading it guys x

wetwetwetfan Mon 16-Dec-13 17:01:01

Howling trap.. bad day? In laws are a law unto themselves aren't they. I am sure that your love more than makes up for any attention they are missing from their grandparents. And it is the grandparents who are missing out on the love and affection from your great kids... great, more for you then. Xx feel better soonxx

batterylow Mon 16-Dec-13 19:35:21

Wetwetwet your story or at least run up to it is so similar to mine.

Our relate counsellor said the ow/om is just a tool to make someone feel better often. I still hate dh for betraying me, I would never have done it but can sort of see what led to the feelings that led to the feelings if that makes sense!

My affair/s have complicated things in that now we are both paranoid and anxious and they distracted us both from whose fault it actually was for a while but I see it as no bad thing in the end, it was a distraction from difficult times just as his was I guess. Now its all over its harder as its left me exposed to the hurt of what he did but I think its getting better. Agree on facebook, keep meaning to come off it but can't quite do it!

batterylow Mon 16-Dec-13 19:39:08

Howling trap, just looked at your thread, that sounds stressful. I don't think you need to feel guilty though, it doesn't sound as if there is anything you could have differently ? I am a massive hypocrite saying that as I feel bad about the most unreasonable things that I couldn't change, maybe it is part of the low mood etc generally. Anyway, no reason to feel a bad mum over it, its their shortcoming not yours.

ashamedoverthinker Mon 16-Dec-13 20:06:05

wetwetwetfan you are welcome. You know I used to be smug about my DH and my marriage. I never am now. I find people in RL do not know unless they have been there. I even had one person say they thought I was 'soft' for forgiving him. Someone else said they couldnt sleep with their DH again if they knew he'd been with another women.

I did at times seek reassurance from him as it makes you insecure paranoid etc. Spending time creating new memories together doing NEW stuff helped us - but like I said it took a year.

Re checking thing - I did this for ages and ages at least 18 months> when panicking I told myself he does not need FB or any other device to cheat, he can do it and I cant stop him. The realisation that I could not stop him made me accept I needed to trust myself to trust again..knowing I could get through it if it did happen helps. He will never hurt me as much again.

Every time you go down it is not as much and you come up quicker.
You will have bad days for a while - they will pass.

I cant recommend exerise enough. If you really edgey plan to do stuff with people, get on the phone, go out, go visiting.

Some of the things I admitted to DH:

I was jealous of his job
I resented the time it took up
I should have had the balls to insist on changing jobs (I hated mine)
I was controlling and unreasonable
I was needy and I didnt need to be I had mu own time/friends/money

I musthave been terrible to live with - my moods.

wetwetwetfan Mon 16-Dec-13 20:38:15

I slept with mine the night that I found out! It's called hysterical bonding apparently....

He is being very reassuring. Tells me how sorry he is. Swears he will never hurt me again. Tells me where he is, gives me his phone to use ( knowing that I will read through messages) he even told me when he bumped into her at a work thing and they had a brief conversation. He wanted to be completely honest about it. We are getting on with normal life but with lots of hugs and kisses thrown in at random moments. He assures me that he doesn't care about her at all...he only loves me and it was love and affection from me that he was craving.

He does tell me that he is very worried that I will go out and have an affair myself now. He doesn't think he could cope with it. :\
I guess we both need reassurance that we will be ok.

Battery low... just out of curiosity did you have an affair just for revenge or to make you feel better? Had you sought it out or was it just there?

batterylow Mon 16-Dec-13 22:15:35

I sought it out, I joined a dating site and went on my first date a week to the day that dh told me about his! I then had another date with the same man, it was all very friendly and I enjoyed it, I suppose initially it may have been a sort of revenge but really it was more a distraction from thinking about what was going on at home. I then got chatting to another man through the same site and spent a couple of months e mailing him , eventually met a couple of times and very brief fling. Both were actually confidence boosting I suppose and it was hard to stop if I am honest as I got a bit addicted to the dating sites! I got a lot of emotional support from the second person who was in a similar situation and at the time couldn't get that support from my husband as it was him who caused the problem.

batterylow Mon 16-Dec-13 22:17:37

I think I have made that all sound more positive than it was. I stand by the fact it helped me but I am aware that I must have low self esteem if I need men to be attracted to me to feel worthwhile. Which it seems I must do! Cbt will help with self esteem though I hope.

HowlingTrap Tue 17-Dec-13 10:16:06

Thats another thing I struggle to get my head round lol, I have horrificly low self esteem I never spoke to boys in school, cuz I was ugly and ashamed, It took mne nearly 2 years to meet my now husband as I though he would see me and run away etc, And as a woman in her 20's I have just started to actually give eye contact and look people in the eye when I speak with confidence, To me that's low self esteem,

Don't you, by default have to quite confident to seek out sex online? intent to meet, thinking someone will take the offer etc ?

I can understand how it can be addictive to some people.

Again sorry if that's an odd comment, I suppose LSE can manifest itself in different ways.

wetwetwetfan Tue 17-Dec-13 10:41:12

Interesting thought howling...

I think that my low self esteem is very internal. I have been able to project an image of confidence my whole life but internally I don't really believe what I am saying\showing. I put myself last because I don't think I'm worth it..

Just as an example a few years ago I completed my degree. 4 years of hard work and sweat raising kids and going to university but I didn't go to my graduation ceremony. I missed out on the one thing that I had worked so hard for. The celebration and acknowledgement that I had done something really special. I didn't really believe that I deserved it.

Only had this realisation recently in counselling and I cried my eyes out when I thought of how hard I am on myself. I didn't know I had low self esteem....I just didn't (still don't actually) give myself the praise that I deserve.

ashamedoverthinker Tue 17-Dec-13 11:13:27

Wetwetwetfan Howling & Battery

I think you've read my backstory re marriage durign that time I felt incredibly hurt stressed etc. but I was strong, confident got on with it - depite being a crumpled mess at points. I pushed myself quite hard at the gym, I took my DS on two holidays on my own. I mad decision re house. I didnt sweat the day to day stuff as I had a car crash of a marriage to sort out.

I guess how I feel now esentially stems from low self esteem which leaves me indecisive, low mood, over thinking, worrying about the over thinking - I am very hard on myself especially as a mother and I think I'm useless at looking after myself.

I have decided that LSE is the thing I need to work on. I think you are right Howling it comes out in different ways so we all need to work on it our different ways. I dont have any bother speaking to people but worry like hell going over it all afterwards. I not shy in comming forward so to speak. I seem to lack the ability to make very basic decision about how I run the house for example Im either extremely clinically clean and titdy or messy and dusty.

I have used self help strategies to over come depression in the past and intent to do this for LSE. I keep reading bits but Im at the point since changing NN and posting on MH boards Im ready to tackle it.

AndWHOOSHTheyWereGone Tue 17-Dec-13 11:31:13

Have just stumbled across this thread and thought here is as good a place as any to get some thoughts and feelings down.

I'm not sure I've been mentally well for a very long time, but I think it's become my norm if that makes sense?
As a teenager i struggled to cope with a string of bereavements and shortly after I think I had a breakdown. My relationship with my parents wasn't good, my mother just ignored the obvious signs tha I was breaking down and it went untreated. I can remember spending most of every day laying on the floor in my room racked with sobs. I can also vaguely remember being picked up by the police, wandering down the middle of a busy A road. I told the police I was looking for my Nana, she had died 3 months previously.

Shortly after this I fell pregnant, was living with DP, cracked again and fled into a refuge, reported him for all sorts of things which at the time I believed to be real. I now know that they were in my head.

At the moment (4 years on from that first breakdown) I still don't think I'm ok. Anxiety, a constant underlying low feeling, and over the past week I'm back to suddenly finding myself in a heap on the floor sobbing and barely able to breathe. It feels like a physical lump of melancholy right there in my chest. It always passes, I feel better, can laugh again etc. but it soon comes back.

I'm not leaving the house very often. And I've had several weird episodes where I've been stuck in a weird place where it's like I'm having a nightmare but I'm awake? I was in the car the other week and I couldn't focus on the roads we were driving down, the kids in the back, DP etc. all I could see was this dreamlike thing of getting a phone call to say that my mother had collapsed, running into the hospital all slow motion like and her lying there, dead. It was on a loop and I couldn't breathe or speak or cry. So so vivid. Does anyone know what this is?

I haven't been to the doctors. I know I probably should but tbh I'm used to this, it feels familiar. I also have highs, and I worry that any meds would "even me out" too much and I'd lose those highs. I have strategies I use to cope with everything and I can cope with it. I know something isn't right though, I'm just not sure it's "just depression", which scares me.

I'm sorry if I shouldn't have posted this here. Feels better to get it out though, not the kind of thing I can admit to anyone else.

HowlingTrap Tue 17-Dec-13 12:02:49

Whoosh, you sound like you've had a rough time

I hope you find it useful in here, When I do a rant I imagine dropping my worries in a large deep bucket , thats how I came up with the name.

I've had blood tests to rule out thyroid and nothing came and its like what?

no follow up pfft no wonder so many people go untreated.

You are totally welcome here smile

ashamedoverthinker Tue 17-Dec-13 21:00:20

Hello whoosh

You have had so much to deal with at an early point in your adulthood when your personality and identity is still emerging. That is a lot for anyone at any age. It sounds as though you had so much to cope you struggle to know what it is to be you...(I hope it's ok to be commenting this as I'm not a doctor or anything)

I think some of the symptons you describe are at times at least moderate anxiety and depression. I am NOT medically trained just someone who has read a bit. You have three options and you can do any number of them or all of them:

1. Keep posting on here - share, you've made a great start

2. Educate yourself on self help strategies, there is alot you can do yourself, and more with support of those around you.

3. Tell your GP or print off your post and show your GP

You dont have to live with such lows and that feeling of surealness. Ive never took meds, but I do know if you tried them and werent happy you can stop taking them but you have to give them a chance to work it can take a few weeks.

wetwetwetfan Thu 19-Dec-13 09:57:36

How is everyone doing?

I've had a couple of rough days... barely functioning at all. Now I feel a bit better but the sense of calm that I had at the weekend seems to have gone sad

Been two weeks on the meds now, insomnia is still a bit of a problem, I am also having pretty horrid dreams when I do sleep. My teeth hurt from the grinding. I have had a near constant headaches since starting them.. moods have been varied. Appetite has dwindled to zilch... to think I was worried about putting on weight and now I am starving myself.

Trying to keep a positive thought pattern and look forward instead of back but it's hard. These past few months have been the worst of my entire life and I am finding it difficult to think of it as the past. Letting go of it is hard. I think I am now allowing myself too much time to think about it. I am going to get out of the house today! Kids break up from school tomorrow so they will probably help distract me...I resort back to actress mode much more easily when they are around me. When I'm alone it's like I don't have the strength to keep it together...i'm using them to prop me up. Is that good or bad??

Now I am rambling...

Dh read my journal and could really see the way I am so negative about myself. He asked me to fill two pages with all of the things I am good at and things that I like about myself. It's like saying 'write me a 10,000 word essay on a subject where you were given the wrong notes in your lectures...'

I might try and get one thing down on paper... small steps.

I hope you are all in your good places...x

ashamedoverthinker Thu 19-Dec-13 11:06:48

Hello wetwetwetfan

Ive been ok and im feeling im getting back somewhere reasonable. So I hope I can help you a little:

1. It takes at least four weeks for meds - so be patient, and even then you may need dose upping or downing

2. It will pass keep telling yourself 'this will pass' some days we do have to just function - and thats ok you need time to heal

3. Take some multi vitamins - get some cupps soups to sip. I can remember not being able to eat (very odd for me!)

4. NOW this is just IMO based on something I read recently - If you have negative thought patterns it is better to acknowledge them rather try to ignore, it is how you respond to the negative thoughts is key. If it has become a habit then yes you do need to distract yourself.

5. Yes go out of the house you cant access all the online crap inc FB emails whstever that can cause your head to spin more.

6. Being together for your kids shows how much you love them and what a good mother you are - and yes I do think you gain strength from them.

Things for your journal (I should really do this for my SE too)

1. Raising two kids
2. Your degree
3. Taking responsibility for yourself - you've reached out on here and in RL

I think you are on the right path

wetwetwetfan Thu 19-Dec-13 20:12:32

Ashamed... thank you..(thanks)

I can't tell you how much I appreciate the help and advice you have given me.

Today has been better... I have been out and I although I did start to panic and cry at one point today, I was able to figure out what had triggered it and gave myself some TLC til I calmed down..

Dh has bought me some delicious (healthy) treats for me to pick at while my appetite is poor. Olives and smoked salmon amongst them .. my favourites. He also gave me my Christmas present early... so much thought went into it I cried happy tears.

I had never been on this site ( or any like it) until last week and now I feel like I have people who understand. It's a good feeling. X

wetwetwetfan Thu 19-Dec-13 20:18:42

P.s. ashamed.. some for your own journal

A kind hearted person who supports others in need.

A wise and knowledgeable person. You have clearly done some reading...

A forgiving person... that is something that doesn't come easily to everyone.

Well done you x

batterylow Thu 19-Dec-13 21:41:21

Sorry brief post just popping in to say I won't be about much as am mid house move and won't have the net soon for a week. Sorry to hear you have been down wetwetwet, this thread really is great support though and the mental health board in general. Hope you feel better soon.

I am still up and down. Not sure how I feel about the relationship now but am more able to focus on other stuff since the ads, side effects are almost gone but I do get the odd bout of nausea and also insomnia which is horrible, been taking Kalms for it. Am putting on weight, must take ashamed's advice and get some exercise it really does help my mood too.

I will be back as soon as I can, I am slightly panicked at no Internet but I guess I will be quite busy ! Happy Christmas all!

ashamedoverthinker Fri 20-Dec-13 10:39:44

You are welcome wetwetwetfan it is awful waling around in RL and everyone else is going about their business and if you tell someone they dont always 'get' the place you are in unless theyve been there. So i'm glad you have found a place here on MN.

Im the convinced what I went through has (despite me being abit iffy lately) has made be a better and stronger person. I feel much more rounded for it.

Those a very nice things you have put about me your second post. Thank you very much. I am going to start a journal thing.

Battery you mustnt expect too much of yourself if you are moving house, that is one of the top ten stressful things to do. At least you can concetrate on the practicalities of moving house to keep busy.

Up and down is good - its when it down and down we need to worry! Take your time to figure out what you want - its a hard time of year to be going through all this too. Im glad your meds are helpling.

I think you might just have to go for coffee and cake quite a bit Battery to get the free wifi access at Costa - hope it all goes well.

wetwetwetfan Fri 20-Dec-13 12:55:32

Good luck battery... hope your move goes well. Hope you get more up days now the meds are doing there thing...

Going to see little ones nativity this afternoon... can't wait. smile

batterylow Fri 27-Dec-13 13:55:25

Thank you for the moving wishes, just got Internet! Feeling really sick again on the citalopram, am on week three at the end of it, had been ok but now got anxiety and sickness again argh. How is everyone else doing?

ashamedoverthinker Sat 28-Dec-13 14:43:22

Hi battery - you in and you online, well done. Sorry you feeling sick, wait a bit until the stress of moving has faded and you feel a bit organised. My enironment really affects me. What a lovely fresh start for the new year - have you been shopping for any bargains for your new home - nice thing to keep busy with. <sends moving in plant>

I am ok actually, better than I was up thread. I have noticed it coincided with PMT. I will keep an eye on this. i did a bit of reading about 'inner voice' well i've told it to shut the fuck up a few times. Well it's that easy is it. But I have reached a bit of an understanding about why I've been thinking about things the way I have been.

I need to sort myself out though physically - diet, getting dressed getting out - Not feeling guilty as DH off work and we are having a lazy time together. Its when Im on my own I beat myself up for not 'doing' enough with my day. I am feeling optomistic about taking the opptunity to change a few things, have a better routine.

How are wetwetwetfan whoosh and howling?

batterylow Sat 28-Dec-13 15:08:25

Thanks ashamed, yes it's really lovely having projects and things to choose, a big distraction although I have pmt now and am obsessing over horrible stuff again , I really hope the cbt helps with it, I want this to be a fresh start I don't want to keep thinking over stuff I can't change.

Dh is obsessing over the fling I had too, he doesn't say much but admitted this morning he has been really thinking about it and wakes early morning with anxiety etc, what a pair! The jealousy is so hard to deal with sometimes then other times I feel distanced from it and can focus on the future.

Anyway I am with you on the diet, getting out etc, made myself go for a twenty min walk earlier which did help a lot, must do exercise as I have gained loads of weight not sure if from tablets, pmt or Christmas! Sounds like you are doing well.

Weird thing but I had been taking citalopram that my dh had prescribed but never took , got round to picking up my own prescription and its since them that I have got sick again. Today I took one from the old packet and not sick. Both sets of tablets are 20mg so the same though?! But his were in a packet with the days of the week whereas mine aren't ? Very strange but its not really possible is it that I react to one and not the other as they are both 20mg citalopram?

ashamedoverthinker Sat 28-Dec-13 15:48:24

Its good to hear you taking pleassure from our projects. You may not be able to stop horrible thoughts but YOU CAN control how you respond to them. This is what has clicked for me. Plus i realised some of these negtive thoughts I have a considered within normal range.

I think the jealousy and anxiety are natural reactions for you both.

I need to actually do some exercise though, havnt had school run even which is normally 2x 20 minutes walk per day. Im festering but not feeling too bad as its hols.

Yes weird about tablets - I know it takes at least 4 to 6 weeks as explained to me by a GP when i was offered medication. Maybe its affected by your hormones too? I suppose at some point you will have to weigh up the pro's and con's. When does you r CBT start - this is a good therapy to do. Be prepared though it can be draining to start with - you have to go throgh everything with your practioner. I left my first few counselling sessions in floods but it gets better...just thought I'd sahre that as a heads up.

Oddly not been drinking as much - I think I will have to have a dry January - cant go back to three bottles per week - really grumpy and tired the next day, its not fair on kids.

batterylow Sat 28-Dec-13 16:01:25

Thanks, I start mid jan but only the first one will be face to face then after that on the phone. Really hope it helps, feels like the tablets are wearing off but its probably hormonal too.

Yes I think you are right with the jealousy etc. I am worried that there will never be a way to react well to the feelings if that makes sense because the problem feels insurmountable. But I am not sure if that is partly pmt/depression talking. Just can't believe this has happened but the shock of it is getting less and I guess that's a start. Stupid, stupid man for doing this to our lives.

batterylow Sat 28-Dec-13 16:03:44

I am same with the drink , was drinking loads but finding I was grumpy and more anxious so not worth it. Dry January is a good idea, I think it helps sometimes to set a time frame (ie new year)

ashamedoverthinker Sat 28-Dec-13 23:10:09

It will get less and less batterylow, I promise. What is hard is not knowing what will be left when the shock... and it will happen when all the strong powerful emotions subside. Sorry I feel like I'm dictating but just dont make any big decisions during this time.

When I started 'dating' my DH again when we were attempting reconcilition he was slow and measured. We went on a date to the cinema and he never even held my hand walking there. I was utterly gutted. I remember having a panicky insecure attack in cinema. I never let on to him, as I was braving it out and determined to get control of myself back (like I said up there I did and said some awful things). I sat there and told myself yes he was with her, but NOW he is with me and that this right now is what matters - i think I had to force myself to live in the 'moment' and just respond to what is actually happening.

I dont know if that makes any sense but that is what helped me at the time.

batterylow Sun 29-Dec-13 12:27:13

Thanks yes I do he what you mean with the shock. I chose dh because he was solid and reliable, he chose to take that as me picking him as the boring but safe option which wasn't what I meant at all. But it's getting my head around the fact that he wasn't so reliable after all! But he did behave in character as he confessed all pretty fast. He is getting back to normal a little but has been pretty ill with anxiety etc since which hasn't helped me as I need him to be the strong one. If that makes sense. But when he is strong I hate him for it too! Can't win!

I won't make any decisions yet, I still hope one day I can stay with this and not feel horrible as I really think its the best chance of happiness now for us all but I won't if I can't get past it as it wouldn't be fair on me or him or children. I think your separation period must have helped , dating etc sounds great, I know what you mean with the panic, when dh has tried to back off and give me space I have been the same.

It's so good to hear others stories it can be lonely as my friends don't know.

wetwetwetfan Sun 29-Dec-13 16:03:14

Hi all,
Glad you have settled into your new home battery... wouldn't want to move house at any time let alone Christmas..

Ashamed, i also panic if I feel dh withdrawing even slightly, he can't turn his back on me in bed without me thinking the worst. Although Its probably more to do with the fact that we spent months and months sleeping like that when I was at my worst. I am getting better though and have managed to refrain from checking his phone. He is doing his bit as well though. He deleted some mutual friends off Facebook because they mentioned her name on a status update...I think he wants as much distance between her and us as possible.

Ok... the alcohol thing. I have never drunk as much in my life as I do now. Every night I have at least two glasses of wine.
I have convinced myself that it is helping me sleep. I am also planning a dry January... and a bit more exercise. I have found myself really enjoying taking the dogs for a walk, especially when I go by myself. A bit of quiet time.

I am having up and down days still but nothing as bad as week when I couldn't stop crying. Still in turmoil about what to tell my mum. She phoned over Christmas and I managed to have an upbeat conversation about what a great time the kids have had. Not really a lie..I just didn't say anything about how I was feeling. She hasn't a clue. What's particularly hard is the stuff from my childhood which has caused me so much angst that I don't want her to be burdened with. It doesn't seem fair.

Battery... is there anyone in rl that you could talk to? I have a couple of trusted friends who know everything and it has been such a relief to be able to offload to someone who knows us both and our history.

batterylow Sun 29-Dec-13 17:39:35

Hi wetwetwet , yes glad it is done, it was a much needed move but never again hopefully!!

Glad you are doing a bit better too. I feel like my tablets are helping but still very up and down too, I think its to be expected and will improve fingers crossed soon.

I have told one good friend but no one else (other than the two men I was involved with afterwards) . It had been really hard no one knowing anything while my life was (is?) in chaos but I felt that it would backfire if family etc knew as they would be angry on my behalf and it may make it harder if me and dh managed to sort it out. Would also hate everyone to know about my behaviour afterwards, dating sites etc, not friends so much but family would be worried. It's hard for you with your mum, I know for example my mum would make me feel worse not deliberately but by panicking on my behalf etc and we don't have that kind of relationship but I know some of my friends are so close to their mums they would get loads of comfort from telling them.

wetwetwetfan Sun 29-Dec-13 18:48:27

It's hard to know what to do for the best. My rl friend said would you want to know if it was your dd who had this massive issue but I think that is a bit different. I speak to my girls almost everyday....I can go weeks, even months without speaking to my mum, not out of malice just that's the way it has always been. I love her dearly but I have always been busy with my own life and live far away so the closeness isn't there. My sisters however phone her constantly sharing all their problems so I am seen as the strong sensible one.

And then it is which bits do I tell her.. she knew we were having problems, but to admit to depression, antidepressants, the affair, the abuse as a child, the counselling, the low self esteem and issues from the way she and my dad acted when they divorced... so much stuff that I could say but don't know where to start.

batterylow Sun 29-Dec-13 18:52:54

That's really hard. And I imagine hard to tell some bits without everything. I have told a few friends we were having some problems and it has been ok because there are so many things in our lives that people view it as understandable if that makes sense but I know only a very few would understand about depression and the affair stuff I have chosen to keep quiet for now anyway.

batterylow Sun 29-Dec-13 19:18:22

Wanted to say also try not to worry about what your mum would think if she knew you didn't say, I get what you mean and have felt distanced from my friends due to not telling them this big thing but really (especially in your case) its with the best intentions. And you can decide to say later down the line , so it is up to you what and how much to say, hope that makes sense. It's enough to worry about without feeling bad too!

wetwetwetfan Mon 30-Dec-13 08:29:37

Thanks battery. I have good friends who I can offload to and my journal which is turning into therapy for me. I will wait until I see her face to face and then decide what to tell her. It's difficult to have 'big' conversations over the phone. Decided to stop worrying about it until then so I can put it aside for now.

I am packing now as we are going away for the new year.... a short break with the dc. Although when you go away with kids it is never actually anything like a holiday!!

batterylow Mon 30-Dec-13 08:44:43

Ooh lovely! Hope you have as restful a time as possible!

A question for when you have time/are back if you don't mind? Just wondering if your friends are different with your dh now? Do they see the depression etc as his fault? My one friend who knows has been very angry to begin but able to be ok with dh again for my sake at least which I knew would be the case. Others would be less understanding I feel.

wetwetwetfan Thu 02-Jan-14 14:35:08

T'was a lovely new years eve away from pretty much the whole world.. played board games with the kids, watch TV , set off a couple of fireworks at midnight. Nicest time in ages.

New year, new start, I am determined not to live in the past and to live in the now. I had a word with myself as soon as I started to even think about how bad 2013 has been and looked at where I am now. What I have now. Ashamed has given some great advice on this thread and I'm trying to take notice of it. The meds must be making a difference now, I have far more ups than downs. And I feel like I have some control when I have the downs.

Your question. One friend has been exactly the same with him. No animosity at all. The other hasn't actually seen him since it all happened but I know that she too will be as normal with him. They certainly don't blame anyone for the depression, one had PND a few years ago so knows quite well that it is an illness rather than a reaction to people.

To be honest it's never been the friends I worried about knowing but the family. I am not sure what their reaction would be although the more time that passes the less I feel the need for people to know. It would serve no purpose, well not to us anyway. It won't help us heal. I have friends who I trust if I need to talk about it, I have MN to get stuff off my chest, I talked to counsellor about it all as well and my journal is great for getting it out when I can't bring myself to say the words out loud.

Hope you are doing ok....

batterylow Thu 02-Jan-14 20:06:14

Sorry howlingtrap with the move etc I totally missed the self esteem question. I think I used the men to bolster my self esteem because they were seeing me in a different way to how dh may (in my head at least) see me. So perhaps more like my pre children self and I was a lot more confident back then. Or something. In fact maybe the pre children thing isn't even true because before them I was more likely to get into inappropriate relationships or have a fling when I felt low about myself.

Wetwetwet I am glad you had a good break, that sounds so lovely! I forget the time frame with your and your dhs issues? But its really good to hear things are going ok for you. I may have turned a corner too fingers crossed (scared of speaking too soon as have had ups and downs before) and feel a bit better about things, more like I can put last year behind me at some point. Not cured obviously but I feel like you, more able to deal with the negative stuff mostly. New house, new year, new start I hope. Glad your friends are ok with your dh and that makes a lot of sense , I feel the same with telling people now that there would be no point for me. It would prevent things moving on if anything but I think if ever a friend has a similar situation I may tell them.

wetwetwetfan Sat 04-Jan-14 11:13:03

Oh good battery, lets hope you really have turned a corner. Had a full four weeks of meds now and feel so much more in control of myself. Still have down days and moments of feeling overwhelmed but on the whole I do feel better.

Only been a few months since our problems, started at the end of September. So I think that we are doing really well considering that it could have been the end of our marriage. I am still having issues with dh having contact with females. It has never bothered me before... because I felt completely secure in our marriage. He has lots of female colleagues and friends from college and university. But now I hate him looking at pictures of them on Facebook, receiving invites for nights out, or even just having conversations with them which is totally ridiculous. I wonder how much of it is about what happened and how much is my own low self esteem comparing myself to others. They are all young, pretty, interesting, intelligent, funny, have a whole office banter thing going on with dh, and it totally fucks with my head. It probably doesn't help that I know that he jokingly flirts with most of them. He always does, flirts with everyone. I hate this jealous feeling and I know that he hasn't done anything wrong but it puts me in a bad mood when I see him looking at Facebook or whatever. That's not good is it?

I am hoping to get back to work myself soon so perhaps I will feel better once I am out of the house and talking to different people myself. And I will be going swimming\ sauna at least twice this week. When kids are back at school\ nursery I am going to spend some time on me.

ashamedoverthinker Sat 04-Jan-14 12:49:08

Hello wetwetwetfan and batterylow you two sound as if you are moving forward as just catching up and reading your posts they seem more positive generally.

I relied immensly on friends at my time but is so happend I had one friend who had been through it and rung me everyday to see if I was ok. I had another two going through it - some coffees were lets say quite 'dramatic'. I still see them and I shall never ever forget. I realised that some people can be quite judgey about marriage stuff if they havnt been through it, as if its catching or something (sorry I cant explain that any better)

wetwetwet - i would find that all upsetting and I would get jealous - I would have before our bother tbh. Now having been through it I think he of he wants to do 'whatever' he can. I am powerless to stop him. I either have faith in him or live paranoid. If I'm having a moment I tell myself he could never hurt me that much again - and i would at least I would know what to do.

Had two weeks of utter laziness - I feel like my wine belt has turned into a life buoy! So need to try and get myself going again. I dont feel particularly down but fatigued. I have been posting on a couple of threads about not buying clothes, budgeting and weight loss. Really these are all abut control I suppose I just need to get myself back on track. I'm dreading the school run - this can cause me anxiety.

wetwetwetfan Sat 04-Jan-14 13:29:29

I think laziness should be compulsory at Christmas and New year! I like to think of it as a chance to recharge the batteries. I overindulged with the alcohol but not too bad with the sweets and cakes. Can't stand the gym (or the posers who stand in front of the mirror admiring themselves) so prefer a swim. Decided to set myself the challenge of doing more laps each time i go. Stopped alcohol for a couple of months too (well maybe a couple of drinks for my birthday later in the month). I agree it must have a lot to do with control.

I know what you mean about fatigue... i have not got out of bed before 9am once in the last month. I'm usually up at 6 on a 'normal' working day. And i keep getting the urge to have a nap in the afternoon... the Spanish have it right don't they. Hope that getting back into proper routine next week will sort me out.

ashamedoverthinker Sat 04-Jan-14 14:21:41

Yes - there is a lot to be said for routine smile

batterylow Sat 04-Jan-14 15:17:34

I love afternoon naps, I am looking forward to next Friday as my oldest will be at school but I will be home so should be able to nap with the youngest.

I am more insecure now but less about the things that would have bothered me before, exes! I think i
Self esteem building will help with all of that and also its very early days for you still too so I am sure that will get better. For me, I never ever believed dh would do it either so the shock has really affected me, I feel anything (bad) could happen because it did before. But I have had similar experiences in the past so I know it does fade. And knowing that he or I could do whatever we want really its about not wanting to. Sounds like you are doing very well though, week four for me too and they say four to six weeks before they kick in dont they (the tablets) so we could be even better over the next couple of weeks. I have switched to taking mine in the afternoons which helps with the tiredness but still feeling lazy! And I have a wine belt too ashamed, or more of a chocolate one if I am honest!!

ashamedoverthinker Sat 04-Jan-14 15:31:30

Its good you feel tablets are working.

I sometimes nap when toddler is asleep - I miss being able to sleep between 2 and 3 then alarm for school run.

ashamedoverthinker Sat 04-Jan-14 15:32:30

sorry posted early - Im planning my week so i know what Im doing so I will have to get:

food cooked/eaten at home
money budgeted

wetwetwetfan Sat 04-Jan-14 17:22:43

Booooo to the budgeting. I hate thinking about money... dh did an income outgoing thing this week and it looks dire on paper... he also spoke to a few creditors and sorted some repayment issues so I didn't have to do that. And sorted our energy supplier to save us a few quid. I am dreadful with it all. I never used to be. I used to run all the direct debits from my account and always had an idea of what money needed to go where but now I just flounder and forget to pay stuff.

Must be more organised this week at actually getting meat out of the freezer for dinners.... lost track of the number of times we've had to pop to the shops for something for tea because I forgot. Ends up costing more at the local shop.

Mind you, I should save a few quid by cutting the alcohol out. Day 4 today so that's probably two bottles of wine I haven't drunk. I can almost hear my liver sighing with relief.

batterylow Sat 04-Jan-14 20:11:05

Well done on the budget etc ashamed, I am the same as wetwetwet and have really lost track of everything, got quite reckless too with all the stress and spent a lot last summer going out , clothes etc and we are still catching up.

Had some horrible down thoughts again this eve but only when alone and easier to deal with than before tablets, I hope the cbt helps me deal with when things pop into my head.

wetwetwetfan Sat 04-Jan-14 20:27:17

My downs and horrible thoughts also tend to be when I am alone battery... not very much of that this week but back to school on Monday so will have too much free time in the day. Tbh I am a bit nervous about my own company. I am thinking of jobs that need doing to keep me occupied and hoping to be able to get out to work a bit.

Although i imagine i will just end up drinking copious amounts of tea and lurking on MN...(smile)

wetwetwetfan Sat 04-Jan-14 20:27:39


batterylow Sat 04-Jan-14 20:41:54

Dh has been off work and will be returning which has prompted it all I think. I hate thinking! I really thought I was done with the bworstof the thinking. It's nothing new and I have to just force myself to keep busy/think of other stuff I guess. The counsellor I saw for a few sessions said that I will get to a stage when I think of this period of my life and think yeah that was a really painful time but remembering it can't hurt me now. Hopefully I (and everyone on the thread) can get there.

I will try and pop on here Monday too. I find I am better on work days as my mind is too busy worrying about stuff there, I hate the car journey though just because I think too much! The way back is always fine though so it must do me good.

wetwetwetfan Tue 07-Jan-14 15:45:42

Yay.... kids are back at school.... been for a swim today and went in the steam room for a while . Was lovely....only managed 22 lengths though because my headache was banging! Think i may have been a bit dehydrated (ironic in a swimming pool) but occurred to me that i didn't remember having a drink at all, all morning... doh!
will take more care next time.

Mood is quite good, feeling relaxed, nice and quiet at home, dh gave me my birthday present early so feeling the love, treated myself to a couple of new tops in the sale (always makes me feel happy) got work tomorrow afternoon for a few hours and looking forward to it.

Cannot believe the difference in mood from a few weeks ago.
It is almost like that was a really bad nightmare and now i have woken up, really bizarre.

I am having a dilemma about Facebook. DH offered to get rid because he knows i dont like it but i think that would be a bit too controlling of me. I know i have to let him just live his life and trust that he will make decisions that won't hurt/upset me, but fb just pisses me off so much, and if i am honest it is particular 'friends' that i dislike on there. Put it on AIBU and got a kick up the arse from the natives. So think i will just suck it up and worry about my own activities for now...

Think i might sign up to a zumba class... get me out, meeting new people, getting healthy, just for me.

Hope you are all well guys. x

HowlingTrap Wed 08-Jan-14 11:05:52

ashamed good post, I often feel like that its not rage, deep sadness just you're entire life is 'meh'.

I have had a shit , shit couple of weeks

LO 13 months is full of cold and clingy, has been throughout xmas holidays.
i took away my lifeline convenient distraction for my eldest if I need a lot of chores out of the way. Because he is stilll not pooing on the toilet and everyone is piling on the pressure, I have tried everything , the anger , determination is drained out of me and I just feel so broken, theres nothing left, theres just emptiness.

I have been trying to get help for my depression long history,

first severe dip, 12 years old, dysfunctional family, things i wont divulge here.

13 , another

17, parents seperated

19, pregnant pre- natal an Pnd

21- another , moved out in with partner,

22- PND, PTSD traumatic birth.

I'm 24 now I have been trying to get medical after previous failed attempts since july, I can't have my eldest with me due to the nature of the issue. but trying to get a convienient appt or someone to take is a nightmare, I feel so helpless and powerless, it will never get better will it?
. I'm so forgetful now, it has gone untreated so long it is impairing my memory now, its so foggy.
this could have controlled, sorted much earlier sad

but nobody noticed or cared, or both.

So yeah, no light at the end of the tunnel.

batterylow Wed 08-Jan-14 12:16:35

Wetwetwet I am tempted to come off facebook, it gets to me sometimes (issues around having a child with sn as well as the dh stuff, he isn't on it but SHE is so sometimes I am so tempted to look her up but I realised I could actually do that anyway even if not on their so its about my control, ugh) I really think excercise and keeping busy are thei way to go (if only I would take my own advice!!)

I had a real panic yesterday as I have a new job and been really excited but

batterylow Wed 08-Jan-14 12:26:59

Sorry! But the health form came through yesterday and now I am panicking I will lose the job offer because of it. Everyone is saying I am being silly but I leant help worrying that they will see I am on anti depressents and retract the offer. Its one of those things where I don't even know if I am being rational!

Howlingtrap sorry you are not having a good time. It's so hard to actually make appointments etc isnt it because it makes you feel so groggy with depression. Could you get a phone appointment initially to explain it and then they will probably want to see you but you could explain the issue with having your eldest with you and see if there is a way around it?

HowlingTrap Wed 08-Jan-14 13:14:25

I can understand you're worry batterylow, but a lot of people with depression don't work, look for work as much etc you are despite that should be seen as a plus.

batterylow Wed 08-Jan-14 13:50:27

Thanks, spoke to the gp and she said out mild anxiety and depression on the form and she is happy to verify I am am emotionally stable for work etc so fingers crossed.

How are you feeling?

ErrorError Wed 08-Jan-14 14:56:45

Hello all,

I'm currently active on the 'village' thread but will lurk about here if that's okay. I have moderate depression as well as bouts of anxiety that accompany it. Been on fluoxetine for 25 days and at the end of the current prescription having a review. Also awaiting blood test results for thyroid/liver function. This is my first lot of antidepressants after years of denial and desperate to get my life back.

Current worries include:

Have finally admitted to work I have the 'D Word' and though a bit relieved I'm also very fearful about what they think of me and often feel like a crap employee.

Money worries. This is probably a general anxiety that a lot of people have, but for me it's exacerbated by the fact I still live with my parents at 28 and see no hope of getting out of this rut cycle until I am better. Luckily they are very supportive of me but it doesn't stop the anxiety.

Been single just over a year after long term relationship, he was an emotional blackmailer and manipulator and partly responsible for my current situation. I am comfortable being single and in no rush for a new relationship but feel incredibly daunted by having to start from scratch with my life, and things not turning out how I expected/planned.

Not ready to apply for any jobs yet but really to get out of my living arrangements I need a new one. It's a bit chicken and egg really, do I get better first then look for a job, or do I just start looking even though I'm not ready, in the hope that a new job will improve my mood. I fall at the first hurdle on that one and lose motivation before I even have a chance to look.

I hope to get a shower this week! Attainable goal if I have something to get up for. Showering not a worry itself, but lack of hygiene is one of my relapse warning signs so I know I have to force myself to do it.

Hope my ramblings made some sense, that'll do for now. Peace to all.

HowlingTrap Thu 09-Jan-14 10:28:24

I can relate with ErrorError about forcing yourself to have a shower etc, being busy with 2 very young dc i end up having to have a sinkwash all over , so I do make sure the basics are done, but I've had a horrendous few weeks with illness etc especially youngest one and forced myself to have a bath last night, even though I knew I'd fall asleep.

after 10pm, when you're that tired its easier to flop in bed.

Aw good batterylowglad to hear it.

Need to make an appointment now well a convenient one.

ashamedoverthinker Thu 09-Jan-14 10:45:17

howlingtrap Ive just skimmed thread as I have to force myself to get ready for a midday appointment - Ive just done school run in PJ's (pass for casual wear) under my coat!

SO, get that appointment - are you on meds? you sound like you need a boost along to get started as you've been suffering since such a young age. Like I said up thread, you are still developing your identity at this stage. Anyway - there are a lot of self help stuff you can do, its slow and hard to get started but once you pick up momentum youfeel the benefits.

I have been crying a lot that last few days tearful because Ive seen a new house and trying to sort mortgage - I know its supposed to be stressful but I keepign thinking is this normal to get so emotional.

Right I'll catch up with others later <waves>

takingnoprisoners Thu 09-Jan-14 11:51:53

Hi I need to join this thread, been struggling for a while and went to drs today and got prescribed citalopram. Not looking forward to going through the side effects, but have only been given 10 mg dose which from what I have read is very low, what kind of dosages are others taking?
Just want to start feeling a bit better.....

wetwetwetfan Thu 09-Jan-14 13:40:04

hey there takingnoprisoners ..

Glad to hear you've been to the doctors and got some medication. That's the first step..

I am on 50mg sertraline but my dh was on 10mg citalopram a while ago when he was suffering with anxiety. Worked for him.

It is hard going for a little while with side effects but it does get better. I did find that in the first week I actually felt worse than when i started... this also is normal and although my instinct was to stop taking them i persevered. Side effects faded after a few weeks. I am on week 5 now and feel so much better and in control of my own mind.

Howling i hope you are feeling better and managed to get that appointment sorted... i know it is hard but try not to worry about other people opinions of what should be happening with your dc.. if you have concerns speak to the health visitor.

error I wonder if you should wait to get a job at least until you are feeling a bit better... it's still early days with your meds and you should make smaller achievable goals (like a shower) to build up your esteem a bit.

battery if the stats are true then a third of the people who already work there will have mental health issues. I had nothing but sympathy and support when i told work. They know better than to discriminate!

ashamed new house and mortage...yes i imagine it is very normal to get stressed and upset. But at the same time how exciting a new home. smile

OOhhh get me, giving out advice and stuff... a few weeks ago i couldn't even cope with getting out of bed. I am giving myself a smiley face sticker!

I went to work yesterday afternoon and this morning and have had a lovely time. Was a bit anxious on the way there but as soon as i got there i was fine. Although i am very good at doing the swan thing of appearing serene when i am pedaling like mad in my mind. Can't really afford to stay at home and not work at all so i am doing it for financial reasons but actually it does give me a boost to do something purposeful.

Hope you are all doing ok xx

HowlingTrap Thu 09-Jan-14 14:46:37

no available for next week or so, gotta ring up tomorrow for cancellations angry sad

No, ashamed never had any treatment whatsoever, bloody awful really.

Thats over 10 years of depression, 6 severe bouts and nothing done , all this time and I feel like damaged goods now.

ashamedoverthinker Fri 10-Jan-14 07:52:47

Ring today howlingtrap

HowlingTrap Tue 14-Jan-14 00:52:30

How is all
having a bad night, a lot of bad things from a long time ago , resurfacing I feel like being sick but I don't :/ , I wanna/ need to sleep but can't, feel like a panic attack coming on.
How are you doing ashamed?

HowlingTrap Tue 14-Jan-14 08:37:35

On my second cup of the morning, had massive panic attack last night

I'm exhausted had no sleep, kids not sleeping well still have the remnant feeling of sickness all the time and tight chest.

ashamedoverthinker Wed 15-Jan-14 22:18:31

Hi howling I'm ok kept myself busy with all that house busiess. Now just been doing budgets as we gonna wait. Ive been out today for a coffee. Im trying to go out and save money.

I get your first post - its like a build up physically like you need to let it burts out but it doesnt and it is absolutely draining. Do you know what triggered it? If things comes back that upset you (this happens to me) I have to be still and breathe and I tell myself 'that was then this is now....and I repeat it over and over i my head. If its intrusice thoughts I tell myself but it is not ctually happening, again over and over. I find these things help me. Try reading to distract yourself or play an online game like candy crush!

Have you been to GP yet? you need something to help you with those symptons you may get prescribed beta blockers -Im not medically qualified mind just know someone who use to take these.

Ring the GP Howling

How are wetwet and battery*

Hello to error and taking this is a slow gentle thread so do pop back now and then how are you getting one with meds and getting ready each day. Small steps. Its ok to have a bad day too.

ashamedoverthinker Thu 16-Jan-14 10:26:26

How are you today howling?

ashamedoverthinker Fri 17-Jan-14 17:15:21


wetwetwetfan Sat 18-Jan-14 23:25:29

hello everyone...

hope you are all doing ok. Still up and down at the moment but better than i was.

Saw a friend this evening who commented that i seem much more like my 'old self' than when she saw me before christmas. Been six weeks now on the meds and they are helping so much.

Exercise is also good, Zumba class on monday got me out and talking to new people.. swimming on Thursday evening. Really needed it after an argument with dh. Swam for the whole hour to clear my head.

Can't face going back to cbt though...think that i need to chat to doctor about some other kind of counseling.

ashamedoverthinker Mon 20-Jan-14 16:35:32

That all sounds positive wetwetwet re getting out the house and your friend.

What's up with CBT it can take a while to 'click' you have to undo habitual patterns of thinking. It can be very emoationally demanding raking over everything and I used to feel drained afterwards.

Or are you not sure about your counsellor?

wetwetwetfan Mon 20-Jan-14 18:22:08

mmm? I'm not sure which bit i'm most resistant to. The actual talking and thinking about things is hard and i find myself soooo tired by it all but that tiredness and the emotional low/anxious feeling lasts for days. It makes me dread going back in because i don't want to feel like that.

Once i had decided that i was not going to go i just felt massive relief.

It may also be the counselor. He is very nice but he is a very young man and I guess i find talking to females easier. When i first spoke to a counselor it was at work and a slightly older lady. I could have told her anything and felt really comfortable with her.

My dh thinks perhaps i should have 'proper counselling' to deal with things from my childhood before i go to CBT.

The meds are working well though and i am more able to consciously make decisions about what i am thinking..if that makes any sense.

Hope you are doing ok... been a bit quiet on here.

flyingbebe Mon 20-Jan-14 18:50:00

Hello everyone. I saw this thread and felt quite relieved. I'm pretty sure that I've got either depression/anxiety but I haven't gone to my GP because that is actually admitting that something is wrong and having to explain this out loud and to someone's face gives me the same anxious feeling I get all the time. So, this thread is a Godsend.

Basically I feel anxious all the time. About people mostly. After I talk to someone, when I'm next alone, I will overthink absolutely everything. It's been family, friends, complete strangers in shops when I make polite small talk when I'm buying things, even people like yourselves on the internet.

This has always been a problem for me for years but it's gotten so much worse since April last year. I thought it was the stress of my university course (placement, dissertation, essay) but then when everything was handed in and finished at the end of July, I felt ten times worse. I didn't want to go to sleep a lot of the time because the next day would come and it would just be another day where I completely failed, so I would stay away until two/three and then sleep in late and wake up feeling like I had lost half the day so why bother doing anything. There were a few times where I found myself thinking about how I could kill myself without anyone knowing it was suicide (I didn't want to make my family worry about what they could have done). I thought about driving into a tree but I didn't want anyone else getting hurt and it probably wouldn't kill me anyway. I don't have those thoughts now.

In September it felt a bit better but over Christmas, it just got worse again. Not like in August, but still really not myself. It started to impact on my daily life. I don't want to go out to the shops, I don't want to walk the dog, I don't want to go to my part-time job and I just don't want to leave the house. I just look over my interactions with people and think that I shouldn't have bothered and I said that wrong or I shouldn't have said and so on. I'm still doing all the things I need to do but I really don't enjoy them anymore and it's such a relief to get back home and hide away again.

I even feel anxious posting this here on this thread, where it's pretty much guaranteed that I'll be believed, but it's the first time I have verbalised this in any way. I want to try and get my diet and sleeping patterns sorted (both are awful) and see if actually talking about it helps at all before I go to my GP. It's not as bad as it was before but I'm terrified it's going to get like that again.

HowlingTrap Thu 23-Jan-14 11:59:58

hi everyone hope you are all okay.

sorry I feel really ignorant not replying sooner, been off here about a week.
Been a rough/wierd couple of weeks,feeling a bit clearer.
It got a bit much on here with some of the cliques and I just needed break before I bit,if anyone gets what i mean.
I have an appointment next week,
And....I finally told my Mum, pheew Scary bit over, she didn't minimise or dismiss she was very much like, i know you've had this for years.

HowlingTrap Thu 23-Jan-14 12:03:39

Welcome flyingbebe. smile

Yeah i think putting off things like coursework is a very common part.

flyingbebe Sat 25-Jan-14 01:09:04

Sometimes you need to take a step back and that's fair enough.

I'm glad telling your Mum went well, it's always nice to get a good response, even if you were expecting one, it's still a little bit of a surprise (had a similar situation with my Mum though not to do with this).

Thanks again for this thread, Howling. I felt ten times better after I posted even though it's been a bit of a good-bad week.

wetwetwetfan Wed 29-Jan-14 20:28:05

Bad day yesterday... missed taking my tablet the other day. Felt ok at first but seem to have a delayed reaction. Really feeling low, withdrawn, wanting to remove myself from my own life. Caused an argument with dh the next day because although I was feeling better, he was still feeling shit about me withdrawing from him. Ended up having a massive crying session. Haven't cried for weeks so it felt quite rubbish to be feeling like I was falling apart again. Better today. Definitely need to make sure I take meds every day!

Hope you are all feeling ok. Xxx

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