Note: Mumsnet has not checked the knowledge, experience or professional qualifications of anyone posting on Mumsnet Talk, so this is not necessarily the best place to seek help if you're feeling seriously distressed or suicidal. Mumsnet cannot be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice and support.

if you feel those winter blues, move to our Village, spread the news!

(1000 Posts)
ThatVikRinA22 Sun 20-Oct-13 23:22:09

new thread losing track but i think this might be our 7th!

all welcome. old and new. This is a supportive place for anyone suffering with any type of mental health issue.

im on Sertraline (ADs) and have been since last December. I had 6 months off work with depression and anxiety and the ladies on these threads kept me going.

Feel free to post, to comment, to ask questions, or just to lurk and feel less alone.
everyone in the village is lovely.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 20-Oct-13 23:41:41

Pops head round the door of the village pub, time to put some logs on the fire

LEMisdisappointed Sun 20-Oct-13 23:42:18

Pops head round the door of the village pub, time to put some logs on the fire

I'm lurking these days. Keeping an eye on you. Absorbing your warmth.

Just place marking...and now I better sleep as I have a long car journey to do tomorrow.

mamakoukla Mon 21-Oct-13 01:23:31

Pops head around door as well and gives the fire a poke. Arranges a stack of blankets and cumfy cushions, and leaves a pile of tokens for tea, hot chocolate etc and biscuits.

Hugs for all; I am in a bit of a lurking/contemplative/quiet stage of my journey. Coming out of a rough patch of negativity and just glad to know you are all still here.

Rustling up some porridge if anyone fancies some. With a little of my neighbours blackberry jam on top?

Morning all x

SnowyMouse Mon 21-Oct-13 11:35:32

Ooh porridge smile morning all

Morning - afternoon snowy how's the morning been?

DumDum32 Mon 21-Oct-13 15:54:18

pokes head in the door gives a big Queens wave to all & thus marks her place smile

DD had a rough night so in turn I had a bad night sad she is a bit better today but v.clingy so is taking up all my attention!

I'm going to be a bit of a lurker for now but am looking in onto the thread still daily & thinking of u all <<<big hugs to all>>>

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 21-Oct-13 19:10:43

ive been thinking of you all and wondering how those who have gone all lurky are doing <stares at ed and mama smile but im glad your still around.

glad to see all your familiar "faces" - i know i feel better at the minute but i dont want to let you all go....i actually get a bit teary at the thought.

gp wants to start weaning me off the sertraline next year, not sure i am ready for that though.

so. im really tired tonight (i think the omeprazole im on for my stomach hinders iron absorbtion) so i think im just gonna pull a bean bag up the the lovely open fire of hte village pub, relax with a small glass of wine and chill....

ed - how are you doing with going back to work? really been thinking of took me ages to settle into it but i think my return wasnt very will managed. Hope you are doing well.

Hi vicar we don't want to let you go either wink

I was interested in your comment re: omeprazole. I've been on it since last autumn as anxiety finished my stomach off - but didn't know it hindered iron absorption. I think tiredness is one of my remaining challenges.

Serious bad mood all day. Hoping its just the fall-out from a busy weekend and a lot of wine two nights in a row. Glad dh is out tonight so I don't have to make conversation hmm

enjoy the fire...

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 21-Oct-13 22:10:03

will do is a well known side effect of omeprazole im afraid- the iron thing....

i struggle hugely with tiredness.

I've only done 2 days. Last Monday and Tues. I'm in a new school so lots of meetings with senior managememt, mentors, school tours and a bit of classroom observation. I was absolutely exhausted afterwards. I was asleep by 9am weds and slept all day until 2.45 shock.

Since then I've been active and alert.

I am now on half term, and have a busy 4 days (including today) visiting London.

I'm back to school for another couple of induction days Mon/tues. See my dr weds to review phased return and then potentially full time the following week. But it will be full time in the sense of full time at school. I shall pick up my classes gradually and build up my teaching load.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 22-Oct-13 00:01:06

ed please keep me posted - i am so so pleased for you. Did you ever think you would get back to this point? you have done so well.

please let me know how you are doing - i really would like to know. you are/were my mn twin - you made me feel ok about how i felt just knowing someone else was going through the same thing at the same time.
youve no idea what a life saver you were for me.

ive booked some time off soon - i feel like i really need it. But im coping. its hard - but im coping. i never thought i would. its hard even now.....but i feel more confident. (apart from today.....but i coped. i was completely out of my confort zone.....but i got through it.)

best get to bed now....i am useless on days - im so tired. im not a naturally early riser....

Of course I will. And no, there was a time where I had given up on teaching and the only reason I didn't formally quit the course was because my friends and doctors wouldn't let me make the decision while I was ill. And I was scared of telling people 'I've failed'. But as far as I was concerned I wasn't going back.

I don't post as much because I'm not laying in bed all day with nothing better to do. Im up and pottering around the house doing everyday stuff.

But you have been my lifeline. You have normalised my feelings and behaviour. You have shared my feelings and behaviour patterns. People like Hellsbels and mamakoula on the early threads forced me out of bed and have a shower. People like silvery, lem snowy ciqand many others have kept up the vital support and encouragement in more recent months.

A huge team effort. I haven't crossed the finushing line yet but I am out of the starting blocks.

Guaparesaca Tue 22-Oct-13 11:53:20

Hi everyone

I'm so glad to have found this thread- it's so good to know I am not alone though at the same time it is horrid that any of us go through this. Every year around this time I feel a marked dip in my mood. I suffered from PND with both my DCs though only pursued treatment for DS who is now 4. I recognise my current symptoms as SAD though there are similarities to my previous depressions. Crap dreary wet weather is crap enough on its own but what really feels like the final nail in the coffin is the darkness.

Lots of things I force myself to do are- regular strenuous exercise in the form of aerobics with a weekly silly Zumba session, has to be a class cos I find the social aspect really important. Even doing the school run is useful for perking up my mood, despite the aforementioned crap weather. Trying to get a decent night's sleep, not staying up beyond 11pm. Watching what I eat, though all I crave is carbs, sugar, stodge- not great for happy mood by the end of the day. I really recommend Moodscope for daily emails with fab ideas (I don't do the cards' exercise anymore) but I know there's loads out there on the web of a similar design.

Worried this'll disappear into cyberspace so will post then come back in a mo.

Cheers for being there folks X

hoochymama1 Tue 22-Oct-13 11:54:27

hi there my lovelies!
Thanks Vicar for setting up another cosy place for us to chat. I hope you feel better today.
Love to Snowy is it ok where you are? Are you able to sleep? I hope they're being kind to you thanks
So glad to hear about you, Ed, pace yourself, eat, and sleep, and you'll be fine- you seem to be surrounded by supportive people.
Love to mantella I had the same where I came off A/D's and was ok-ish for a while then slowly crashed again. I felt like being on meds was such a failure. This place has helped greatly. Keep posting.
Lots of <<hugs>> to all posting and lurking, ciq, lem silvery and anyone else I've forgotten.

Guaparesaca Tue 22-Oct-13 11:54:50

Also totally forgot about my Lumielight! I must dig it out as have found it useful in the past. (Does bog-all lying in the cupboard though)

hoochymama1 Tue 22-Oct-13 11:56:05

Nice to meet you Guaparesca smile

Guaparesaca Tue 22-Oct-13 12:01:18

You too hoochy grin

Guaparesaca Tue 22-Oct-13 12:01:50

Hi guaparesca welcome. These dreary days are tough aren't they.

Hi hoochy nice to hear from you.

Sorry my conversation skills today are lacking.

Feeling sad sad sad. One of those big impact counselling sessions. Got down to some hard truths re me and dh. I have had enough of the rollercoaster that is his personality change, and want to get off. I do not want to be around him at the moment. This last months developments for him have been the fast diet, starting pilates, evangelising about the fact that if he goes to bed a bit earlier he has more energy (no, really!) And yesterday announced he is going to start swimming lessons. That's just this month. I can't cope with him any more sad

DumDum32 Tue 22-Oct-13 12:29:05

hey all,

welcome guaparesca

so I've just got back from G.P & got ssome more crappy news. I've got arthritis in my neck which has caused wear and tear & the cause of my recent unruly pains sad I mean it's like every month they find something new that is f****d in my body.

i've been sent for an ECG - can't wait to get that result which I anticipate will not be good news either!

sorry just needed a moan sad sad sad

Guaparesaca Tue 22-Oct-13 14:59:36

Hello Colouring dreary indeed- though about 20mins ago the sun just streamed through the clouds, there are some beautiful forests round here and the golden tones of the leaves are looking amazing at the moment. I have to remind myself, I mean make a massive effort, to try to take this one step at a time, one day at a time, notice the little joyous and treasured things, slowing down. I'm sorry to hear about your DH, those changes sound really extreme and it sounds like it has got you so down you've reached a point.

Does anyone else ever feel like they withdraw or disengage from their DCs, partners/DHs or friends when they're feeling negative/edgy/sad? I really do and it's such a shame, I'm so aware of it but still do it. Then I feel horrible and guilty..

The irony of it is I am involved in counselling, I mean as a practitioner. Relatively early on in my career having done some training, now volunteering before I continue with more advanced training. Just goes to show you can be fully objective with other people but when it comes to yourself hmm

Dum I'm sorry to hear about your health issues, feel free to moan away, I know how draining pain can be as have a chronic (physical) health condition which when it flares up is a total misery and I do just want to curl up in bed and eat biscuits. I hope you have a decent consultant and get onto some useful meds which work for you.

LEMisdisappointed Tue 22-Oct-13 17:24:16

just a quick hi, welcome to guaparesca will post later, shitty day, but im not dong too bad smile

Thanks guaparesaca my dh has been on a big journey since a period of severe depression last year, cbt proving massively effective for him. But its getting too much for me now. Yes to the withdrawing. I feel like i need some space from him. Contemplating the spare room but its v messy...

Interesting to hear yr a counsellor too - and encouraging to hear that its not only me who finds it easier to give advice wink

Do you find the lumie helps? I am recovering from a severe depression at the beginning of the year but I always struggle at this time of year anyway.

Hi lem glad you're holding up. Maybe see you later.

Thanks all

LEMisdisappointed Tue 22-Oct-13 21:15:51

Phew - what a day confused We are having trouble getting money from DPs old employer, he owes us £1000 we can't afford to let that go! Turns out one of his companies has gone into liquidation and he is trading under a very similar name - it might mean that we have little chance of getting it. Can't believe companies can just do this - always the little people (like me) who have to just lump it, while they are swanning off on holidays and playing bloody golf angry So spent half the morning in the CAB only to be told what we already knew - nice coffee and cake wtih DP after that though, Then PFA meeting (yawn). Then my bloody mother, i mean, she really takes the biscuit - i take her dog out because she has hurt her back out and can't take him (long story with my mother im sure some of you remember). So today i get home from school/meeting and DP said he saw my mum out with the dog hmm So i said, i better go round anyway - my motehr had the right hump, said the dog wet indoors because i didnt go round in time - err, he goes in the garden, didn't tell me she had only just took him out and actually let me take him out again (i was too gobsmacked to say anything, even though i was clearly flustered and knackered, she still let me take him and then moaned again about his smelly blanket hmm)

No wine in the house, probably a good thing.

CiQ i am sorry you are feeling this way about your DH, is there any way you could get away for a bit? I know its complicated.

Ed - so proud of you!!! I am definately not going to be a teacher, im not sure i feel sad about anymore though!

Snowy <hugs>

Love to all x

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 22-Oct-13 22:54:25


colouring sorry to hear you are finding things with dh a strain at the moment. i think the only time dh and i really argued was when i was in the throes of depression.

space sounds like a good idea - could you sell it to him? could you stay with family or friends just for a weekend?

hi and welcome to gu....(and that is as much of your username as i can remember of the top of my head - apologies!)

ed - i can really relate to what you say about the job - thinking you werent going back but not being allowed to quit while ill.....snap. but im actually glad now that i didnt do anything rash. i still dont find it easy - but im learning.

could you all do me a favour......i have some paperwork around DS disability that i have sat and looked at for 2 months now.....
i NEED to sort it.
my head just isnt in it, but if i dont do it he will lose some money ....please kick me up the jacksie and help me get my motivated head on....
i also need to phone the insurance company about my washer
AND my car insurance is due - ive tried to do the whole go compare thing and its just a ball ache - i rang the cheapest company that id heard of....they kept adding stuff on and adding stuff on until the quote was almost at much as my renewal! its a bloody 12 year old corsa worth a grand if that.....

all i can concentrate on for now is the fluffy pup that is coming home on saturday.....

LEMisdisappointed Tue 22-Oct-13 23:09:34

go to compare the market and you'll get a cute meerkat for the pup to play wth smile Or alternatively use a site you've used before then you don't have to bother about putting all your details in. It doesn't matter that you haven't done the form yet - you'll do it in time. It will get to the point where you'll think, right - this needs done now and it will be sorted. That might be tomorrow because then there will be no elephant in the room on saturday when the pup comes home - have you thought of a name yet?

mamakoukla Wed 23-Oct-13 01:45:56

Good day all. Happy to hear from you all and welcome to Guapa.

Ed, lovely to hear your news. Stay strong and remember to be gentle to yourself.

Colouring, that is tough. Could you make some space and quiet for yourself? As Vicar suggests possibly an away visit. I have had the fortune to go visit a friends family. Peace and some of the best sleep in ages. In part I think it was because I was away and also mentally away from the usual.

LEM, sorry about that news. I did perk up at the mention of cake blush

My day was okayish but I hit a couple of glitches and it started a whole load of negativity. Trying to figure some things out and feeling like I am missing something obvious and therefore I am inept etc. Big paddle in hand and trying to squish unhelpful thoughts away.

Good things today - my family, the lovely cold wind on my face as I walked, dinner.

Take care all. Thinking of you Snowy.

I will be back later to nudge/prod the Vicar smile

mamakoukla Wed 23-Oct-13 01:50:43

Having read through this page again, I agree with Vicar re. the still learning bit. In part at the moment I am trying to relearn how to live and reshape. Acceptance does help but how can I help myself to nit give negative thoughts importance?

LEMisdisappointed Wed 23-Oct-13 08:26:26

Mama I know what you mean. I can be getting along fine then something happens that triggers the negative thoughts and I feel like I have slipped back. But realistically, everyone has negative thoughts the key is to listen to them then agree with the things you can change into positives as they are useful. The ones you cant change tell them to "do one".

I have been trying to remember this prayer -
lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot changr. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Something like that smile

Lem that is rubbish. And you're right it is always the "little" people that suffer... nice to hear you at least had cake with dh.

Your mum sounds like a piece of work confused

Getting away is tempting but not really practical. We're all away at the weekend visiting family but actually that's ok cos it then means its not just dh and me. I think I'm going to request a day to myself at half term...

Tech glitch - my reply to lem only seems to have been posted this morn. I think I will tidy up the spare room and move in there for starters.

I keep thinking back to a conversation I had with a friend before dh and I got married, I was saying I couldn't be bothered to talk to him, she said maybe he wasn't the right one for me. But the thought of going back to square one (and stay living at home even longer) was too awful to bear.

I find it v hard to talk about irl because everyone says how great it is he's so much better, got loads going on, interesting to talk to etc.. Imy counselor thinks I have been squashing all these thoughts down because I think I shouldn't have them (def true), but they're real and need acknowledging. I have no idea what to do tho.feels a bit like everythings crashing down around me, and I spent all yest with tears in my eyes. Like vicar said I also don't know how much is the depression talking. But the reality I am a lot better when I'm not in his company. Just don't want to be around him at the moment.

Sorry for big splurge but it does really help getting it down.

Vicar, mama, lem thanks for your thoughts. Sorry I havent responded to yr posts at mo.

Take care all x

mindlessmama Wed 23-Oct-13 10:46:50

Don't mind me, just sneaking in while no one is looking wink ... Carry on as you were...

LEMisdisappointed Wed 23-Oct-13 10:59:08

Trouble is wth sneaking in is that someone will always grab you and offer you a drink,,,,,,,,next thing you know,,,,,,,ts later on and you've shared your story and feel much better x

DumDum32 Wed 23-Oct-13 12:54:27

afternoon all,

sorry haven't responded to any posts been a but like a headless chicken!

I've been sprung with the task of gathering all my info re housing to produce in front of a panel tomorrow & this has completely thrown me off. the voices aren't helping & I'm fInding myself getting angrier & angrier as the day goes on. didnt get much sleep last night either as I feel so stressed - my eyes look they are going to pop out of their sockets! I mean j don't even know y I'm bothering as I know I'm only pitching myself up for a potential fall but then I think I gotta do it before I end up killing my family both emotionally & physically.

I've smoked about 20 cigs & punched into the wall a couple times. I need to calm the f**k down. someone kindly give me a good shake!!!!

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 23-Oct-13 13:25:59

dumdum thats sounds incredibly stressful - just think - it will be over and done with before you know it - just a snippet in time.

lem i forgot to say (i think?) that i hope you get the money you are owed soon. Thats too much to write off....i dont know how people have the bare faced cheek to start up again knowing they owe money.

mindlessnana - pull up a pew, grab a cuppa.

mama your posts are always really profound and always make me feel like ive had a virtual hug....i love the solidarity on here. x

well, i had better get my act together and get ready for work. ive done one thing on my list of "to dos" which was phone the washer repair man.

the form for ds is still sat there....and so is the car insurance. but i will get around to them.

right. better scoot.

snowy - hugs if you are still reading - are you an in patient at the moment?

love to everyone useless at name checking....but im thinking of you all.

DumDum32 Wed 23-Oct-13 14:48:21

thanks vicar - that gave me a new perspective on the situation. ur right about snippets in time it's only going to be a 30 mins meeting! I've calm down a bit since as I've made calls to my MH Team & Dr to get some copy of reports/letters and the MH Team sent it via email to me smile Dr has printed it off & my bro just picked it up smile that never happens to me I always get told it'll take 5-10 working days. so I'm pleased I've got my most recent medical reports! I've just gotta print off various emails from people who have been involved but done nothing & whilst I've been going through them I've been conversing with "my voices" at how terrible they all sound (so hopefully all that should go in my favour). the final task will be the hardest and that is produce a timeline of what has happened over the past 3 year's sad BUT I'm hoping to get it all done by tonight. I need a bit of a break now so going to have a brew & maybe cake.... come join me guys smile

LEM - so sorry ur being cheated out of money. I get so angry when companies do this. pay ur hard working employees before u start a new business to screw more ppl out of moneyangry

Snowy - sending best wishes thanks & thinking of u.

<<<big hugs to all>>>

hoochymama1 Wed 23-Oct-13 15:48:32

Hmm Ciq hmm When I went for counselling at the first MH nosedive, 3 years ago, she brought up issues with my dh that I found really uncomfortable. I became aware of his controlling ways, and the way I 'stroked' his ego and pandered to him to the neglect of my own needs. As time has gone on, I've got more assertive and 'selfish'. It takes time to change, and start considering our own needs. It's a good thing, but its hard to change confused

Sorry to hear about the pooey day, Lem, and sympathies, Dum,

Lots of cake and brew for snowy <<hugs>> smile

DismemberedDwerf Wed 23-Oct-13 16:03:17

Oh, I thought this was a thread about an actual village with some sort of miracle properties for people who need sunlight!

(in my defense, I have a headache and the light outside is dim dim dim.)

I have a sunlamp, it's on a timer to come on with the alarm, without it, I don't have a hope in hell of getting up before dawn. I'm dreading the clocks going back.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 23-Oct-13 16:18:08

Dismembered, it IS an actual village grin. It has miracle properties for those who need support, including those who need the sun! Nice of you to drop by, now you're here, why don't you stay?

DismemberedDwerf Wed 23-Oct-13 19:17:44

Cool, I'll take the creepy falling-down cottage by the graveyard.
moves in

mamakoukla Wed 23-Oct-13 20:06:49

Passes some cobwebs and a pumpkin to D'Dwarf as a housewarming present.... sorry but could not resist!

CIQ I think you should book (not ask) for a day for yourself. I have done that very rarely but when I do I plan it. Even half a day to myself can make a difference. As difficult as things are at the moment, go carefully and slowly re. DH. I found that at my harder moments I tended to shut people and things out, went a bit 'numb' if you will. I so wanted to leave everybody and everything but I knew I could not (if that makes sense). I am in a much better place, I feel a lot more affection towards my family. If I had locked them out, they would not be here now. It is a very tough emotion to go through so please take your time and focus on looking after you rather than necessarily trying to mend relationships. I don't mean neglect them but perhaps they don't have the right perspective at the moment because you need to look after you and that needs the energy and strength you do have. Maybe a bit spent? - I hope I make sense. I waffle a bit.--a lot if you ask DH--

LEM a bit better today. I told myself I had to be positive; dust myself down and try again. And yes, it IS an actual village. I have used it as a helping technique of sorts to help surround myself with support when in a bad spot. No, I actually imagine the village complete with people. It honestly works grin

DumDum that's good progress smile. I have been storing things like that to remind me that even in not so great things I can achieve what seemed impossible. I hear you about the timeline but once it is done, it will be a relief

Hoochy that really makes sense. If you don't mind, what helped you most in bringing about that change? What was the hardest?

MM I saw you sneak in! Have a biscuit and tea.

.... nudges the Vicar...... good work. Get the money form done.... that's a BIG one for your family. And it's only filling in a form. You know where the info is. Take care.

mamakoukla Wed 23-Oct-13 20:20:15

Hugs to all and to fellow lurkers

DumDum32 Wed 23-Oct-13 23:10:03

oh my gosh I deserve a massive wine glass for what I've done today! actually a glass won't do <<< opens the bottle & gulps the content down>>>

welcome to our village DDwerf you will like our crazy bunch grin don't all kick me at once for saying that.

I've just completed the tinge line with much needed help from brother now my body shattered & brain is mush & is crying for bed sad

Mama ur right about the whole going numb thing I did that when I had my breakdown but mine was the extreme I just stopped talking. even ignores my little DD (only 2 and half at the time) & that makes me tearful everytime I think back at it sad CIQ what u said before makes complete sense & like mama said u gotta make time for yourself u u will burn out.

I'm gonna bid you all a good night before I drop. stay safe all smile

Thanks dumdum and mama yes I will book a day for me.

I'm really aware of not saying too much to dh now, because the things I would say would be very tough. But I don't know how I can keep going. Just in from a night out with friends and I was just cringing at most things he said. I feel like I just dont like him any more. Was quiet at meal cos my head is just not in a good place with this. Is it the relationship making me have depressive symptoms or is it the depression coming back with the autumm? My head is spinning in a bad way I dont feel quite in control. Haven't slept properly the last two nights which isn't helping. I am shutting off very much from dh as I haven't got the energy to engage with him and I don't want to listen to him.

dumdum well done on getting all that paperwork sorted

Welcome ddwerf you've found a great supportive place.

Hi to everyone. Night x

hoochymama1 Thu 24-Oct-13 09:46:46

Good morning villagers, better day today re sunlight.Oops, it shows up the cobwebs thlsmile
Ciq hope you had a good night. Just look after yourself and don't overthink things.
I got v angry with dh at the counselling stage, and I think it was me realising a lot about our relationship. With all our problems I had just got into coping mode, and acted like a doormat for a quiet life. I started with drawing from him and putting my own needs first, saying and doing what I wanted. He got v frightened and thought I was going to leave. But I was redefining the boundaries of our relationship. This is a sign of you getting better.
Cradle yourself, be kind, just take it a day at a time.

Love and hugs to everyone today thlgrin Hee hee I like these..

LEMisafucker Thu 24-Oct-13 10:33:39

Hi guys - feeling a little bit crap today, the whole hoohaa with the site is not doing me good at the moment so i am going to go and clean my front room (you can't actually open the door its so cluttered (with DPs tools and shit) - my mum is getting me down too, big time - i spend the whole day dreading going there

DismemberedDwerf Thu 24-Oct-13 10:52:51

When I'm depressed I disconnect too. It's actually a massive symptom for me. It's like I am overwhelmed by life and I just go inwards. Recently I reconciled with my ex-h. We broke up a couple years ago when I was just getting over a bad bout. It lasted barely six weeks before I was back in the throes of depression again - not all his fault, he's not abusive or anything, I think fundamentally we just want different sorts of relationships - I stopped eating and became rather monotone. People noticed. We split again and I am very much less stressed for it. I find I know myself well enough these days to keep an equilibrium but it doesn't take much to throw it off. I've had twenty-odd years of dealing with the shite inside my head, but sometimes it gets wearisome.

Thanks for the welcome smile

LEMisafucker Thu 24-Oct-13 21:03:34

Well I did it, i fiinally cleared the front room - it was good to do, it stressed me out, there was lots of stuff from the college which i threw away, i felt sad and angry about it. I found a feedback form from my GCSE students and it really floored me, they said i was brilliant confused but now i look back, i bloody was - i did it all with no training, years away from my subject area, now i may have been dong a very good impression of a swan (calm and serene on top of the water, but paddling like fuck underneath) i still did it. I don't regret leaving though - it wasn't the job for me. I don't think my anxiety helped but the college tipped me over the edge into depression. I have kept the form to remind myself that i wasn't shit, i was just not supported, my manager was utterly shit and passed the buck at every stage. Enough of that now - i found my knitting wool too - maybe after half term i can start knitting that chihuahua

Hi lem quite a strong name change there! Good for you on the front room front, and brilliant to find and keep that feedback form. I bet you were brilliant too grin. Look forward to hearing about the knitting!

ddwerf yes I can relate to that disconnect. Good to hear you're feeling less stressed for being separated. Hope your days been ok.

Well I am back in from another night out. Hardly ever go out midweek and then I have two in a row. School mums, but without the two that I feel are rather cliquey (and I feel don't want to spend time with me cos of this yrs mh probs but am prob being paranoid wink)so had a nice evening.

Seeeeeriously tired, so have told dh I need an early night tomorrow. Found out the other mums are inviting their dh's to the Christmas do. I don't want to though. Much rather go on my own based on last night's experience, so not quite sure what to do now.

Am feeling like I am back to my default emotional setting of "sad" which had gone over the summer - and replaced by default being "ok" or even "content". I was the same last autumn and into the winter too (and poss earlier in the year tho not sure). Trying not to overthink (good advice hoochy) but its hard not to want to get answers to the how much is this about my relationsip with dh, how much of it is SAD, how much is being overtired increasing depression symptoms. But I will leave it there for tonight.

Night all x

LEMisafucker Thu 24-Oct-13 23:16:26

If anyone finds my new name too strong, please say so and i will tone it down smile

CiQ do you think that your DH reminds you of your own depression?

Sorry can't post too much tonight, feeling shit

(((hugs))) Sorry you're having a rubbish night. Want to talk?

And no, the name is Good smile

dh gives me a massive inferiority complex. I turn into a bit of a wallflower when he's around cos he's louder, has more to say and kind of piggybacks on what I say to generally say something smarter and funnier imo. Plus I don't think he's that funny and I don't like him being so loud!!! He's just so different....

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 25-Oct-13 00:28:15

just popping head around door to wave really....

feel a bit drained tonight. have been to a very nasty domestic abuse situation, took a massive statement, then victim retracted complaint.
i talked to victim
victim called back to say they would go ahead.
im glad but its been a bit - draining? though i am pleased that i have had some sort of impact and am helping in some way.

right. have just got in really, walked pooch, am having a glass of wine. getting pup saturday! i have that to really look forward to....

Guaparesaca Fri 25-Oct-13 12:20:54

Hi again

reading through all your posts it sounds like we're all really hard on ourselves when circumstances are so challenging. Managing other people's feelings, supporting others, feeling the pressure of expectation from others about how to be, god it's all so exhausting and confusing.

I have come to the conclusion that my MH is affected by the change in season, not sure that my Mirena is adding to the mood swings, having a chronic health condition also influences me.

From the more recent training (and the clinical work I am doing with children) I am reflecting more on my own childhood and attachment history. The more I think about it, the more sense it makes that I am in this situation. I was born incredibly prematurely and as a result my DM has always been very controlling, just accepted that as a child but once a teenager it was stifling and did my self-esteem no favours at all. Even now as an adult I have probably put the opinions of others above my own, not trusted my own judgement- getting better at putting own needs first now but it is a long process. Only counselling has helped me with this and yes I guess also the training I have undertaken myself, it's like a lightbulb some of it. Why are we so bloody harsh on ourselves? Another thing, while I'm at it- why I wonder did my DM criticise me for being 'too sensitive'? It's true I probably did cry quite easily as a young child but now I realise and appreciate child development and NORMAL attachment and see that maybe my needs were not getting met by either of my parents, for whatever reason. I think I am also one of those 'Hyper Sensitive people' (I read a v interesting thread on here in fact recently) and do really sense feelings and atmospheres around people. I am vulnerable but it can be a positive quality too, especially when working so closely with individuals in a counselling situation.

Navel gazing today- where did that come from?!

My third morning of using the Lumie so will report back how it works.

LEM I also applaud your name and think it should stay! I relate to your job situation too- I worked in FE for many years (though mainly eve classes but still, some day classes were TOUGH) and you must know how hard you slaved away all those years and you must know you made a difference. It is truly crap when you use so much emotional energy in teaching students who do not give a shit, even worse when your line manager is a coward and completely unappreciative. Hold on to that nugget of positive feedback, it's so precious, it speaks the truth.

Guaparesaca Fri 25-Oct-13 12:31:31

CIQ let's stick together, us counsellors! Who says your DH has more to say? Just because he says it in a louder volume doesn't automatically mean it is of more worth. So he's had his cbt and seems to be better- what about you now? You've been coping all this time being the strong one and it sounds like this is the fall-out from that. I hope your day is going okay.

MooseyFate Fri 25-Oct-13 12:59:35

Hello everyone.
I need some help. I think I have depression. I've never had it before, not really, just the odd periods of low mood which I expect everyone gets. Since beginning of September I feel as if I've been spiralling down. I hate this time of year anyway, it always triggers a low mood but this time other things seem to be going wrong. I have no sex drive. Nothing at all, it's completely gone. I usually fairly "normal" in that department. My DH is very worried and thinks I've gone off him. I have a lot of headaches, and feel very tired, particularly in the morning. Some days I don't know how I'll get out of bed. I don't want to talk to anyone or go out. I'm functioning day to day, getting things done, but I feel as If I'm going through the motions. I feel very bad about myself - I don't feel as if I have anything worth contributing. I have an appointment at the doctor but the earliest I could get was first week of November.

Work is shit. I work from home so I don't have much daily interaction with colleagues apart from email. I'm supposed to work part-time but for the past few months I've been given so much work that I wouldn't even get through it in a full day. The work is very stressful and demanding. I only even hear from my boss when she wants to crap on me - often for totally trivial things. Today I reached a sort of breaking point. She wanted to speak to me about some minor issue again but I couldn't bear to phone her back. I've been in tears. I'm on the point of telling them to stick the job. We would cope financially (just). I don't want to make a rash decision though so I think I will wait until after I've seen the doctor but I think my health is more important than having money for luxuries.

I'm not asking for a diagnosis but do you think I'd get a prescription for ADs? I don't want to carry on feeling like this and I need to cope. My DH works away during the week, and I have a child with autism so I can't drop the ball.

Guaparesaca Fri 25-Oct-13 13:23:56

Moosey hi there, I'm sorry you're feeling like this, from what you say it could very possibly be depression- a few things jump out- lack of sex drive when it used to be normal, not wanting to get out of your bed in the morning, withdrawing from others, feeling bad about yourself and feeling like you have nothing to contribute. I can relate to an awful lot of those.

It also sounds like there are possible triggers you have in your life- the fact that your son has autism must be hard, your DH away through the week so you're coping at home alone, your job and your boss. All these elements would be really tough on anyone- you sound like a 'coper' but now you are 'spiralling' downwards it's hard to find the resources.

You say you are going to see your gp- I think that sounds like a great plan, I hope you get the chance to have a good chat about how you've been feeling and be realistic about how your feelings are affecting you day to day. Personally speaking I found going on ADs really useful when I had PND- they took the edge off and get me through the first year of my DS' life when I felt stuck in a really dark hopeless place.

Take care x

LEMisafucker Fri 25-Oct-13 13:54:11

Hi Moosey - welcome to the village flowers

I don't know where you are but I would try and get an earlier doctors appointment if you can. My doctor is virtually impossible to get an appointment with, you can only book two weeks in advance and the last time i called she was already full two weeks ahead so i couldnt actally make an appointment. What you can do though is play what i call the eight o clock lottery and phone up for an emergency appointment on the day. That what i do now. Even for repeat prescriptions.

I think you need the GP appointment because it may well be worth them running some bloods - there could be a physical reason for how you feel (although i class anxiety and depression as physical) such as aneamia or hypothyroidism - both easy to treat. If it turns out to be depression, it could be seasonal, then yes, you'll find it easy to get a prescription (some might say, too easy!). Maybe consider some counselling too, to investigate why you feel so bad and help you deal with it. ADs are brilliant and i am on them, probably will be for some time. They take a while to work and you can get some shitty side effects when you first start taking them but they go pretty quick. They certainly wont make you "drop the ball" I find they help me deal with day to day things so will actually make you better at catching!

May i ask about yor mirena? I am on my second contraption now and I am a bit hmm about it, the only thing that makes me keep it is that I don't get pmt (maybe i just feel a lower level of shit all the time!) with it.

I am sorry you are feeling rubbish - this thread is very supportive, sometimes we post epic posts about how we are feeling, sometimes its just a quick hello to let everyone know how we are doing and sending support.

LEMisafucker Fri 25-Oct-13 14:06:06

Guapa thanks for the applause - I am not sure if i am going to stick with the namechange as all the hooha seems to be calming down on the site and i don't want to antagonise (or be a sheep!). I was looking to change from disappointed though - will have to think of something else.

I wasn't in FE teaching for very long - about six months (lightweight!) and the students were the only thing that kept me going - they were all brilliant. I was very lucky in that respect, i had an evening biology class and some A level day groups and some "difficult" students doing BTEC - It wasn't the students, it was being dropped in at the deep end with no mentoring, having to implement new continuous assesments when i had no idea if what i was doing was ok, i had no one to ask sad It just got to the point where i cracked and looking back, can see i had a breakdown. I am angry It could have been so very different. My background is in science and research and I have been trying to get back to that, but it isn't happening, due mostly to the way things are in academia and science in general, i have no recent experience and that makes it hard. I am actually thinking of training as a HETAS engineer (Installing log burners and lining chimneys hmmgrin) but its expensive, I have done a few of these with DP and it would be nice to do something with this - will see how it goes.

I was knocked yesterday because a friend got a job - i should be pleased for her but it made me feel useless.

Has been a better day though - been doing some clay modelling with DD, its an inset day, i like it when she is home.

You said some interesting things about your mum - it rang true - I was a "miracle" child, my mum was told she couldnt concieve - so i was a huge surprise late in life. She is ultra controlling and was the reason i didnt go to university when i left school (went later in life) as she told me i woldnt be able to manage it. She was only trying to protect me, but if you spend enough time telling people they can't do something, they believe you - i still think im rubbish if im honest.

Gosh, i need to stop rabbiting on now.

CIQ (hugs) don't make any decisions re your DH, maybe tell him how you feel, there is lots going on here.

Vicar - im getting excited about the puppy, are we to be getting pics??

Snowy - if you are reading - Always thinking about you

Love and Hugs to all xx

Hi Moosey welcome. I'd echo lems advice and get fully checked out by doc just to rule out thyroid, b12, vit d and iron issues. From what you write you may well be suffering from depression. Sounds like you've got a huge amount on your plate - so not surprising. Take care.

Thanks Guaparesaca sadly I'm not a counsellor, but in counselling wink yes fall-out from dh severe depression last year was one of the triggers for me at the start of 2013. Now its the "new" dh I'm struggling with. When we went out on wed I noticed that when I did make a comment he would piggy back it with something more concrete - eg evidence or a funny anecdote, and at the weekend, said something which he knows winds me up - and told everyone else the fact. But it all feels like nit picking. I also don't want to be the hyper-sensitive person that my mum is where you have to tip toe round her.

What you said about attachement and unmet needs makes complete sense, and I too relate to the highly sensitive issues - I do feel like I pick up on atmospheres/emotions more than others, which can be draining as well as constructive.

lem how are you doing today?

Anyhow, a little better this morning. Did some more yoga which helps. Feel like I've had a brain storm this week (not in a good way tho) Still don't want to invite dh to the school parents xmas do tho hmm

Away this weekend, but still hoping to post.

Take care all x

LEMisafucker Fri 25-Oct-13 14:22:45

CiQ don't ask him - i much prefer to go out on my own - i love my DP dearly and i enjoy his company but when im out he puts me on edge because sometimes he misreads social situations (imo) and says things that embarrass me. DP is pretty anti-social though so is happy to be the default babysitter grin not that i go out much.

LEMisafucker Fri 25-Oct-13 14:23:19

I am ok CiQ - feel v anxious, but hey, whats new - missing my counsellor though sad

DismemberedDwerf Fri 25-Oct-13 15:07:49

Go Halloweeny Lem? LEMisafrightener?

Moosey Sounds like it could be mild depression, get yourself to the GP and as they others say, get checked out for physical stuff. Maybe ADs will help. I'm not sure if they do for me, I was on different ones and changed do much i don't know whether the last lot helped or whether it was just time I swam back up.

CiQ I'm feeling uch less stressed and I've had a nice day pottering about town looking for a raincoat. Kids are at their dad's this weekend and I'm off out to the pub tonight for ale and laughter grin

MooseyFate Fri 25-Oct-13 15:47:40

Thanks for the replies. I'm sure my doctor will check for other things - she's very thorough. It isn't contraception - I was sterilised years ago - but I am nearly 50, so maybe peri-menopause/hormonal changes are playing a part.

I am a coper. I have no-one else to rely on - my family all live abroad and no friends close enough to help. This adds to the anxiety, which in turn fuels the depression. The work situation has been the final straw really. I don't like to complain, which is also part of the problem. Today I just told my boss that I'm going to have to take a few weeks off (at least). I'm not going to get better with the work stress on top of all the other stress. I'm on a zero-hours contract (hah!) so I don't get paid for sick leave but it doesn't matter at this point.

Why did I feel bad telling her that I have depression? It wouldn't bother me to tell people that I had shingles or diabetes or some other chronic health condition. My whole life I've always felt that I have to cover up my health problems. Fortunately I've not had many. I've tried therapy in the past but didn't find it very helpful. Maybe I didn't have the right therapist. I'm quite repressed in many ways, and I don't like to open up.

I can't face the thought of the Christmas run-up plus my parents are coming to stay for a month. I just want to feel better. God it's horrible being in this hole.

hoochymama1 Fri 25-Oct-13 17:10:47

Hi Moosey smile

Can you get an earlier GP appointment? Cancellation? The words "mental health crisis" have got me an appointment in the past.And often they fit in emergencies at the end of the sessions.

Can the family come for a shorter time? Or you go there? Can you explain that things are a bit stressed at the moment? Don't think too far ahead.

Lots of love to you thanks

Hi all

Thanks lem yes I am going to the do on my own! And can relate to the embarrassment factor. Big sympathies re yr counsellor - I would find that v diff. Post more here if it helps..

moosey time off sounds like a v good plan. Take care.

ddwerf hope you have a lovely evening.

Well am now a brother in laws. He's recovering from depression and anxiety too. Dh had said he was doing a lot better - and I'm sure he is but he's clearly to me not at all well and his wife looks completely knackered. From conversation with bil she is finding him difficult to live with as he's v up and down and a bit hyper. Just like my dh was at the beginning of the year which is rather triggering tbh. I can't remember if dh told them about me but he seems unaware. I feel stuck - sympathetic with him but not able to be completely open. V sympathetic of sil but not able to say yes I'm coping with what yr coping with and also trying to recover myself. But I will try and say she needs to prioritise herself and seek extra support to avoid getting ill herself.

Not the weekend I was expecting. .. confused

Guaparesaca Sun 27-Oct-13 09:23:06

LEM I forgot to answer your question about my Mirena. I have had this one (my first) for nearly 4.5 years, I love the way you describe how the benefit is you feel a low level of shit all of the time!

For me the pros are- no period at all, not even spotting. Bonus! It's there for 5 years and I can forget about contraception. (I do not trust condoms and was on the pill for years and felt like I should have a change.)

The cons are- I do still find I get pmt symptoms- sore heavy breasts, tender nipples, really argumentative interspersed with tearful, hopelessness, I have an 'eat week' when I just want to hoover up EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. I worry a bit about it ever failing (though I guess this could be said for all types of contraception) as the medication I'm on for my RA causes birth defects, so I MUST NOT get pregnant while on it. I know the reality is very slim, it is known to have a very high success rate but still.. I think also I fear for my mental health and the thought of going through another pregnancy (even if there were no risks to the foetus) then birth and then actually having another child fills me with utter dread. sad

I'll see how the next 6 months go on it by which time I'll have to go the the clinic to have it removed. Then will have to decide whether to have another one put in, mmmm? I'm only just 40 so menopause still a while away yet, methinks.

DumDum32 Sun 27-Oct-13 12:26:06

hey all smile

how is everyone doing this weekend? hope well.

I was completely wiped out after my appointment the other day so have been just resting to get my energy back up. It went well I think - the MP assured me that they will not be letting go of the case until a suitable resolution has been found so that gave me hope. It'll be another 2-3 months but with Christmas and new year coming up i think it'll likely be next year we get any kind of result sad

Hoochy glad the sunlight is making you feel better i know it can be hard when the darkness surrounds us. I'm the same but haven't invested in a light thingymajigh yet.

Lem how u doing? hope a bit better over the weekend smile

vicar hope ur weekend is going well and your getting rest before another crazy week of work starts smile

DDwerf The no eating and being monotone resonates with everyone I think and I can completely understand being tired of the voices in the head sad I sometimes want to hit my head in the wall just so they will stop!

snowy big hugs and hope u doing ok smile

I've had a pretty freaky dream today. In my dream I was talking to a college friend of mine and he was saying to me if you want to talk to him then just ask him to fix your laptop, he does run a computer company now you know. the person we were talking about was my first boyfriend! This confused me a lot and all I can do is think about this guy now sad

NeeNaaw Sun 27-Oct-13 18:10:06

Hi, I'm new. Have anxietyand depression. Not feeling in a coping way atm as DD1 has just started CBT for social anxiety, so our house is quite...tense.

If you have been signed off work, how hard is it transitioning back into it? I'm currently in work but it's getting to the point where I physically can't manage or do my job and my anxiety around work is causing suicidal thoughts/feelings, so am looking at all the options. I'm terrified of letting it get to me and the coming back...and I'm not even signed off!

DumDum32 Sun 27-Oct-13 21:44:39

hi neenaw & welcome smile

sounds like ur in a tough place atm. have u been to ur G.P? if u haven't I would say that would be a starting point. he/she can prescribe some meds to help with the anxiety/depression. some time off work may be sensible to give yourself a break & some breathing space - maybe a week or two off to get yourself together. you might find that helps and gets u back on track. MH issues cannot be dealt with by ignoring unfortunately so please do go see ur G.P.

u can bend our ears if u want as well. were here & help as much as we can.

there is also samaritans if u need to speak to someone tonight. I find them.very helpful.

hope u get through the night ok. <<hugs>{

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 27-Oct-13 23:08:50

pics of my new baby

he is giving me a new lease of life just now - i cant just lie in bed anymore.

love to all - and hello to all newcomers. im dashing in and dashing out but wanted to post.....

DismemberedDwerf Sun 27-Oct-13 23:15:52

CiQ I had a lovely evening out, I must have really needed it :D

dumdum I don't hear voices in my head except my own, it's my own I get sick of. I just don't know when to shut up. Obviously.

I've been to a writerly meet-up today and took my kids, bit nervous because lots of new people and my children can be a bit overwhelming, but someone posted later that my kids were adorable and a joy to talk to (they are both pre-teens, so adorable isn't something I usually hear about them!). So today has been good. The girls even managed almost the full day without arguing. Almost.

DumDum32 Sun 27-Oct-13 23:26:12

vicar gorgeous puppy. I want a cuddle sad

DDwerf sorry thought u sufferers from voices blush glad u had an awesome w'end smile

DismemberedDwerf Sun 27-Oct-13 23:30:09

Nothing so interesting. Run of the mill depression and anxiety with a splash of social anxiety for spice. Or, if you listen to some people, I'm a miserable antisocial bitch. Not quite true, I'm selectively social (and quite cheerful at the moment grin )

SolidGold Mon 28-Oct-13 00:07:34

Just found this thread, can I join in?

I've suffered with depression for ... Well, officially since I had an ectopic pregnancy 15 years ago, but actually probably earlier than that, looking back.

I don't take ADs these days, as I found the side effects unbearable. I've had some counselling, was discharged half a year ago with the option to go back if I need, but can't see how it would help at the moment.

However, finding life hard at the moment, as dh is out of work. I work part time, my contract is for just 4 hrs a week, although usually I do more. It's a struggle to get to work, I just want to stay in bed. I need to look for fulltime work, but am worried that I just won't manage it (some days I feel so ill, I couldn't work, ie around my period or when I'm suffering with IBS).

I have health anxiety and emetaphobia. I'm a coward and never assert myself. I'm even too cowardly to put the light on and read in bed when I can't sleep in case I disturb dh or to say what I want to watch in tv. I totally lack confidence.

Sorry for rambling on and really sorry if my post is inappropriate for this thread.

DismemberedDwerf Mon 28-Oct-13 00:19:17

By the way, I do not wish to denigrate anyone's depression/mental health problems by what I said in my last post. Please take it as tongue in cheek self-deprecation.

solidgold A lot of that sounds familiar. I get really wussy in a relationship, I can keep myself on an even keel when I'm single, but i can't seem to do it when I'm in a long-term relationship. I'm blaming self-esteem and deep seated anxiety/ emotional issues. And counselling was a complete non-starter, because I went straight into "I'm fine, are you fine? Nice weather we've having..." social chit-chat. I was bloody useless at it.

SolidGold Mon 28-Oct-13 00:25:46

Your pup is so sweet, Vicar! smile

SolidGold Mon 28-Oct-13 00:29:46

Dismembered, yes, I'm just the same! Seems I have this stiff upper lip, where I can't admit anything is wrong, so I do the "yes, I'm fine, you?" too shock

I seem to have no backbone. I don't know who I am or what I want. I just do what dh wants all the time. I don't know how to be me. There is no me.

I don't get any time alone as dh has worked from home for a year before being made redundant end of June.

DismemberedDwerf Mon 28-Oct-13 00:34:56

That so resonates solidgold. I don't know how to be me.There is no me it's like you give and you give, you've got all these hats you wear; mother, wife, housewife that you've totally mislaid the hat which says 'me'. And people ask you what you actually want from life, and you have no idea, because you spend all your life filling your obligations and doing what needs to be done. I also write, but sometimes it seems that even that is just another hat to wear.

(also, it's really late, I ought to go to bed!)

Unfortunatleyangstridden Mon 28-Oct-13 06:39:56

Hello all

I haven't been to the village for a long time but was pub landlady for a bit, I have had a NC as well to rejoin. Think some will realise its me.

I have been very unwell, at the time I was in contact with some of you by pm. I can't remember if I replied as I was in such a state. So sorry if I didn't. I did say I was leaving for a while and something dreadful had happened. The event was my DD died and it sent me to a very bad place.

I'm now being given a social services support worker as I have been so unwell and have been so withdrawn. I was given the choice and turned it down first time but am now willing to try help.

I can see Vicar, Lem, CIQ, ER and Snowy who I remember from months ago I do remember all the love and support I got here. So hello and checking in with everyone.

LEMisafucker Mon 28-Oct-13 09:11:20

Its good to have you back UA, not so good obviously that you have been having such a hard time. Do embrace any real time support that is offered and take things slowly.

Hello to all the new members (residents?) - will have a look through posts later, finding scrolling hard just now as i have the mother of all stiff necks, its bloody agony.

I am chugging along ok i guess - its half term, i could do without this neck!

LEMisafucker Mon 28-Oct-13 10:16:26

oh and Vicar that is one big fluffy cute BEAR of a puppy!! he is going to be huuuuge smile envy

LEMisafucker Mon 28-Oct-13 10:18:42

SolidGold - please PM me if you want any advice about money stuff (it was that what pushed me over the edge the first time i got sick) as i have lots of experience in that department and may be able to point you in the right direction if you need help with it. x

SolidGold Mon 28-Oct-13 10:56:04

Unfortunately, so sad to hear that. Hope you get all the help you need.

LEM, hope your neck improves soon.

Having a terrible day today, IBS is really bad and I've had to call in sick which I hate doing, but the pain is so bad. I tend to follow quite a strict diet, but slipped up over the weekend so that's probably why.

DismemberedDwerf Mon 28-Oct-13 11:12:31

solidgold IBS is the pits. You have my sympathies.

LEMisafucker Mon 28-Oct-13 22:00:17

I feel rubbish sad I feel rubbish because i went to take DD skating and it was good, then i had forgot my mum needed dog food. i got a bit jittery and my friend said she would drop me at the pet shop on the way home, but i didn't have coats for me and DD, friend said she would wait but i didnt want to put her out. By the time i got home my neck was killing me - it was raining, DP was home so he went for me in the car - we couldnt get my mum to answer the phone so I told him to ask the man in the pet shop if she had gone there herself (despite the bad back, she will go if she gets the hump, to make a point!) because i didn't want to buy the dogfood if she already had it. DP goes, buys the dog food and some diclofenic for my neck hmm takes the food round, shes not there or not answering door - so i felt i had to walk round wth the food, pissing down with rain - no answer. I think she was in - i can't be sure, the dog was there - usually she leaves the door unlocked. I don't know if this is all in my head - but i was doing well, now my anxiety is through the roof. I just feel sad. I feel like a bad person because i should have taken the dog out before i took DD skating, but i was procrastinating, i didnt want to go there, i am starting to dread it. Its not normal. I just can't decide if it is me or her?? DP thinks she is running me ragged. I just dont know - the pet shop man said she was up at the pet shop last week hmm

(((Hugs))) lem just off to bed but wanted to reply. From what I've read here and yr other thread I have to agree with your dh. She can get out and buy food... she can be manipulative and lock you out. Is it possible to just take a break from her for a few days to give yourself a break?

Really good hear about the skating - can you try and focus on that?

My dd said she had a really good day today which I'm v pleased about. I made it through ok. Not looking forward to tomorrow as much as dh not in to put them to bed. Tough weekend, still feeling rather fragile.

Hi to everyone else esp new people - will try and post properly tomorrow.

Night night

LEMisafucker Mon 28-Oct-13 22:45:07

Thanks CiQ - am planning to do some making type stuff with DD tomrrow - if my neck allows, i can't believe it is so painful, but i think its just tension.

SolidGold Mon 28-Oct-13 23:52:46

LEM, sorry to hear that. I don't know the background as I'm a newbie here. Great that you got out and went skating though. I always find doing things with dd very difficult, a lot of pressure. How old is your dd?

Today I've discovered that I like walking the dog, getting out alone and walking, getting fresh air. I don't like sport, I get dizzy easily, so don't jog or go to the gym, but I do walk the dog every day.

cheesypastaplease Tue 29-Oct-13 06:28:18

Hi everyone

I hope you don't mind me popping in. I was diagnosed with PND after my ds was born, I started on ADs which made me feel much better. I decided I was feeling so good that I would stop taking them - big mistake! I went back to the awful hopelessness, no energy/interest and general crap - at my worst I felt like I hated my eldest dd which is terrible. I went back to doctors last week who has prescribed me more, and I feel better already.

This is a great thread as it makes me feel that I'm not alone.

LEMisafucker Tue 29-Oct-13 09:00:41

Thanks SG - i actually find life a little bit easier with DD around than when she is at school, although she has been a bit difficult so far this half term. She is 8 and going through a stage of being rude and grouchy (plllllllllllllllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeaaaase can i have a few more years before she turns into a teenager!) and needing constant entertaining. My mother is a big problem for me, i am feeling quite resentful about it and then i feel guilty, its a bit of a vicious circle.

Hi Cheesy - you have come to the right place, its gone a bit busy here recently, lots of support here and you can just moan about the day, or even share the good things.

CiQ mentioned the "three good things" thread that she posts on, i think you have post three good things from the day - I have started trying to do this with a friend who doesn't suffer from depression, although he is quite down recently but just generally down - we have both struggled to find THREE good things. So that sort of made me feel less "different" from folk who aren't battling with depression/anxiety - we all have ups and downs, what i find is my downs tend to hit me between the eyes and i turn them into major dramas but the ups go by un-noticed. Making myself think about good things that have happened during a day is helping - but some days if i struggle its like affirmation that my life is crap (it really isn't - my counsellor would be mad at me!). If i had to list good things from today, which is a bit much because its only 9am, I could say - the tea and toast that DP made for me before he went to work and my dogs curled up on my lap. Its the little things, isn't it? Sorry, im waffling. CiQ I hope you don't mind me mentioning that thread, i haven't looked on it, ive seen it pop up in active and you have mentioned it, i have felt to scared to go onto it smile

LEMisafucker Tue 29-Oct-13 09:03:16

Cheesy, i had to go back onto ADs, i just accept that i need them for a while longer. Don't be disheartened that you needed them for longer, it could well have been too quick withdrawal as even though they are not addictive (so they tell us!) you still have to come off them slowly. But hey, if i have neck ache (beleive me i do sad ) i don't question taking meds to make that better, so if i can have a tablet that stops me climbing the walls, then thats good too.

Unfortunatelyangstridden Tue 29-Oct-13 09:47:52

Thanks Lem and SolidGold and welcome to cheesy, cheesy there is a decent organisation called the association for post natal illness I had an email befriender and it really helped me at the time. Please don't feel obliged to seek them out it is just a suggestion.

I made a complete idiot of myself this morning as I had to go for a blood test, it was a fasting one and I never eat after dinner but had a terrible urge to last night!

I got in and it was a man, I cannot bear being touched by men due to my history of DV so I promptly burst in to tears. I then saw a female nurse, I did explain to her why and to apologise on my behalf. She was lovely but it is embarrassing. I also seem to be developing a stutter which is something I have never done before when I feel anxious.

Love to all

LEMisafucker Tue 29-Oct-13 10:10:13

UA - you were probably really hungry which makes me likely to burst into tears at the drop of a hat, so that on top of feeling vulnerable about the blood test, hardly surprising really. Please don't be embarrased, i am sure they understood. Are you allowed to eat now - if so, then i prescribe some cake and brew

Hello again ua so sorry to hear about your dd. (((Hugs))) glad to hear you've been able to accept some help, thinking of you. Try not to be embarassed about blood test - you explained yr completely valid reason. Do you have any techniques that help with the anxiety?

Hi cheesy so sorry to hear about your pnd, but good that ads are helping again. I know what you mean about wanting to stop them, but sometimes we do need them - like medicene for any illness. Do stick around and keep us company x.

solid how are you feeling today? Hopefully a bit better.

The three good things thread is a good one and ypu dont have to post anything groundbreaking - can simply be had a shower (which I haven't managed today). I have fallen off the wagon a bit but will try and hop on again.

It does help to focus onthe good stuff, this illness seems to make me only remember the bad.

I am vvv lethargic today and struggling to function. Just have ds til 3 so am going to head out to national trust land shortly. Have got dressed but was due shower and hairwash... have got to get through til 8pm. Think dcs will be watching fair amount of tv today.

Bro inlaw v unwell at weekend - cant remember what I posted now. Diagnosed depression 2 months ago. Was improving but going back to work has sent him back. Completely hyper, talking non stop, endless ideas, no concentration. Completely reminded me of how dh was at end of last year. One good thing was he got to see what he was/soometimes is to live with. Really felt for sil she looked ready to snap.

Take care all x

SolidGold Tue 29-Oct-13 10:40:20

Hi again everyone, and hi Cheesy.

UA, it's hard not to be emotional in that situation and when you're so hungry. I'm sure they understood. I have a habit of crying at the drop of a hat, especially at work, which is very embarrassing.

I'm still feeling guilty for not going to work yesterday. I am only contracted to work Saturday morning, but always do half day Monday and Friday too, so theoretically I didn't have to be there, but I know Monday is always terribly busy and I let my colleagues down. Also I've only been working there since February and don't want to lose the job, in fact I hope to get more hours if business improves. I just don't know how to cope when I'm bent double with pain. I need to stop eating c**p!

Today I feel a bit better and the sun is shining, which helps a bit. I'll go for a nice walk with my dog again smile

SolidGold Tue 29-Oct-13 11:23:55

The Three Good Things is a good idea. I know I get wrapped up in all the bad stuff and tend to ignore the good stuff. I'll take a look later.

DumDum32 Tue 29-Oct-13 11:38:07

Just a quick wave to all & hugs smile

I'm in too much pain today to even lift my fingers sad & so so sleepy. going to hiberate in my room!!!

Hi dumdum sorry to hear you're having such a tough time today - hope you get a good rest.

cheesy hope you got a good walk.

Well 4.25 hrs til kids are in bed. Have coped, just wish I could enjoy something. Took ds out, says he had a good day. Have done a load of washing and swept kitchen floor. Have pumpkin to carve, dinner to cook and bedtime routine...

SnowyMouse Wed 30-Oct-13 13:55:29

Just popping into say good luck to all, and I'm hoping to go home tomorrow.

SnowyMouse Wed 30-Oct-13 13:55:49

I've been thinking of everyone

LEMisafucker Wed 30-Oct-13 14:05:26

Hi Snowy - nice to hear from you, good news that you are going home? I hope you are feeling better, have they got your meds sorted?

Well, took my mum to the hospital this morning and she behaved so that was good and i do think that i tend to fret more about how my mum is going to be and react immediately, this is me, not her, i need to be aware of that and not allow it to upset me, just as much as i need to be firm with her when she is takin the piss.

Its a lovely sunny day today but i think DD is installed in front of the sofa and im pretty bushed, have lamb stew in the slow cooker, i may just be lazy for the rest of the day.

Brief post here.

Sorry I've not kept up.

We had 4 lovely but exhausting days in London last week. Kids are back at school this week, and I've done 2 days plus Guides but I'm struggling. Really struggling.

I'm getting shakier.
I'm getting nauseous.
I'm not sleeping through.
I went to the bank today and completely broke down because I had the wrong documents.

I'm supposed to be full time next week (but not full timetable).

Oh and I have to decide by tomorrow which school DTDs are going to nwxt year. They REALLY don't want to go to my choice.

Head v heart


LEMisafucker Wed 30-Oct-13 20:33:23

Can you get some zopiclone ed? nothing like no sleep to make your day seem shittier? You will be fine - you are bound to be a bit shakey to start with but it will be ok. Can you sack off the guides?

You know why you have chosen your choice ed - you are mum, you know best x

Heartbrokenmum73 Wed 30-Oct-13 20:48:54

I'm new here (this area, not MN) so hello to everyone!

I'd be here all day going into all of my stuff, but it started as PND 12 years ago and has hung around ever since. Been through AND too and now I suppose it's just bog-standard depression.

Having a shitty time of it lately, so glad to to find a bunch of lovelies who know how it feels (although I wish none of us DID feel this way).

Hi mum73 you're very welcome here, tho sorry to hear you're struggling with the same depression monster. This is a good place for support, for thinking out loud or just having a moan!

Ed you've done so well going back, it is going to be exhausting, but you'll get there. Take care (oh and lem's right re: the school thing, trust your judgement)

lem glad your mum was trouble-free today. Hope you had a good lazy afternoon - you deserve it smile

snowy (((hugs))) hello, lovely to hear from you.

OK day here. Managed to do some yoga first thing (with the dcs joining in so it wasn't quite as relaxing as usual but better than nowt). Spent pm with parents - nice. Mum not tooooo infuriating, kids had a great time. And finally persuaded df to get some of my old books down from the loft - was great to see some old favourites grin.

dh off work tomorrow so hoping that is ok for me.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 30-Oct-13 22:58:23

oops I hadn't got anything to post when thread was new, and you sort of dropped off the radar for a bit blush

All well here, and been enjoying the weather - a walk in the woods yesterday with a whole bunch of friends and LOs.

Haven't caught up with thread yet though..

SolidGold Wed 30-Oct-13 23:32:24

Had a weird day here. Dh had an interview this morning, but it went really badly, so been feeling really down about that. Ended up getting fish and chips for tea and then eating crisps and watching a funny film, which I think we both needed.

I'll suffer tomorrow because of eating cr*p hmm

I used to do yoga, but haven't for ages. With dh at home all the time I'm never alone now, so don't get a chance hmm I will definitely start doing yoga again when I get a chance, because it makes me feel much better. I have a great DVD I follow.

What's your dvd solid? I've been doing a really good morning routine from Youtube.

[[ here}}

Can you not banish dh to another room for an hour? wink

Hi spc walk sounds good smile

Must stop mn-ing and go to bed... night all.

SolidGold Thu 31-Oct-13 00:27:21

Colouring, it's a Leah Bracknell one. I find the routines easy, I can do just one in ten mins or all four and find the music very relaxing. I'll get it out tomorrow and tell you the name.

I could banish him, but hate the thought of being interrupted. The only room where there's space is the living room. I also need to banish the dog or she insists on licking my face!

I'll have a look at your yoga link tomorrow, thanks.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 31-Oct-13 01:53:38

Solid fish and chips is not crap. OK it is perhaps a little high in fat, but is quite well balanced.

I need to go swimming. I think my yoga days are over.

SolidGold Thu 31-Oct-13 09:49:14

Silvery, I'm not worried about the fat, that helps my skin and joints, it's the gluten and potatoes that cause me problems with my IBS.

But it was very satisfying at the time!

hoochymama1 Thu 31-Oct-13 10:52:46

Hi my lovelies,
Welcome to anyone new, SolidGold and Mum73, and anyone else I've forgotten.

Hey Snowy (((cuddles)))

Well done Ed, been thinking of you. Next week doesn't sound too bad, but yes, Lem is right, get some zzzz'ds in the sleepy bank, one way or another.
I'm still doing the mindfulness book, Ciq, though the family think I'm mad (or even more mad) when I do the movement one...

Feeling rubbish today, this neighbouring local authority have been offering me jobs(far away and full time) this line manager in charge of the list is a real bully angry and has been triggering stuff for me, I was bullied in the last job. On Mon I went for an interview locally, but I wont know the result until Nov 11th. I e-mailed the supply list woman this morning and said that I didn't want to work for her authority. My friends think I'm loopy for turning down work, dh is supportive, but I feel like I've been sponging off him for years.

I feel ill in my head todaysad

I know I can do this job and would like to work locally, and don't mind waiting. I find it so hard to take decisions...The earliest this local job would start would be Feb, which buys me time...hmm

Sorry for the rant.

hoochymama1 Thu 31-Oct-13 10:53:56

Ooo, forgot, hello Silvery, and love to UA smile

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 31-Oct-13 11:32:22

Solid I have a friend with IBS - and hadn't read back so didn't realise you had it blush sad

Hello to all the new posters. I'm a bit of a fraud on this thread, used to be depressed but divorce sorted that last year, although I remember the depression all too well! Find it hard to get going sometimes, and need naps downtime, am being assessed for Aspergers (at age 61!) and take a maintenance dose of AD (paroxatine)

I think I was not really cut out to share living space - although I managed it - now I am on my own with DCat I love it. My Ex worked from home and hardly went out for years - I felt cramped by his constant presence even though in another room - so I sympathise with poster above (sorry, can't refind post to get your name)

hoochymama1 Thu 31-Oct-13 12:06:17

Hoo hoo Silvery my son was assessed for AS last year and I had a much higher score than him..shock it's a wide range, it makes you even more interesting than you already are grin

SolidGold Thu 31-Oct-13 12:41:37

Good morning everyone.

Not much planned today, apart from taking dd to the dentist.

Feeling quite nauseous today, not sure if that's IBS related, suspect it's certainly dietary. I cut out dairy for a while, but have been slack recently, so that may be the culprit. It could also be due to gluten yesterday. I have emetaphobia, so hate feeling nauseous hmm It sends me into a panic.

Silvery, that was me with the dh who is at home ALL the time.

I understand what you mean, I dream of having a house to myself, to manage my own money, decorate as I please, to eat what I want to eat, watch what I want to watch on tv etc, but suspect I would become a recluse if left alone, as I'm useless at contacting people, meeting up etc plus I have no friends and no family nearby.

Good luck with the Aspergers test, hope the outcome is helpful.

LEMisafucker Thu 31-Oct-13 14:41:55

Hoochy good to see you sorry you feeling crap. Im ok having difficult day with dd as she desperate to ho trick or treating with her friend but we bumped into them in town and they said they might not go hmm so I am being asked every five minutes and I can't give an answer

hoochymama1 Thu 31-Oct-13 17:17:51

Hi Lem,
Can you just do a few close neighbours? The mums with little ones around here just go round each others houses, it's quite sweet.
Not feeling too brill, been alone for most of the day, and it feels like I've gone back a few steps...But so good to be able to post here. Been texting and e-mailing Rf's too.
Hope it goes ok tonight grin

LEMisafucker Thu 31-Oct-13 20:05:37

Well thats halloween for another year - It was good fun, my friends little boy was a little bugger and I am exhausted so DP is going to buy me a chinese.

Hoochy - don't worry about taking a step back, i think having a work dilemma and decisions to make is stressful anyway, you are allowed to feel flummoxed about it. So don't be hard on yourself if you feel a bit crap. Maybe indulge it a little, go and eat some shite (chocolate, not actual shite!) have some wine cake brew, long bath, wallow in it for a bit, get it out your system - just like anyone else would.

I think that is something i struggle with, if i have a bad day, it might just be that actually, ive had a bad day, not that im taking a step back.

TSP you are not a fraud on the thread - far from it, you are an inspiration.

TotallyAddictedToLurking Thu 31-Oct-13 21:53:28

Hello everyone, thank you LEM for directing me here.

I will pop back tomorrow with a bit more about myself, I'm just marking my place before I go to sleep and forget!

I am so glad it's Friday tomorrow, I have had so much stress this week!

Anyway, hello again, see you all tomorrow!

LEMisafucker Thu 31-Oct-13 22:00:38

Welcome Totallyaddicted - its good here x

SolidGold Thu 31-Oct-13 22:05:49

Hi TotallyAddicted smile


School has been applied for.

Decision has gone down like a lead weight. Doors slaming. Refusal to eat. Locked in bedroom. Never going to speak to me again.

I've reasoned with one of DTDs, who has accepted the decision. DTD2 is apparently going to need to be dragged out of bed.

I feel shite. I want to vomit. They hate me. I hate me. .

SolidGold Thu 31-Oct-13 22:58:04

Sorry to hear that Edwina. Hope they calm down soon. My eldest would often lose the plot, but think it through and calm down the next day or a few days later. Hope this is the case for you too. Sorry, I'm not familiar with the back story.

(Does DTD stand for darling teenage daughter?)


DTD is Darling Twin Daughter

Backstory...currently yr8. Whole year group have to reapply for yr9 because of age range changes. I want yhem to move schools (and expect that 30-50% of cohort will). DTDs want to stay.

My reasons are based on what I believe to be quality of education. There reasons are based on peer pressure and resistance to change.

Ive been trying to convince them for 6 weeks. I made the application anyway. They've hit the roof.

Now my head says stick to my guns. Stick to what I believe is the right choice. My heart is just so upset that they are upset. I have 45mins...I could change my mind.

TotallyAddictedToLurking Fri 01-Nov-13 07:59:37

Edwina stuck to your guns. You've made this choice for a reason. They are still young and possibly don't see your reasons. If the quality of education is poor they will thank you when they are older and they have got good grades.

TotallyAddictedToLurking Fri 01-Nov-13 08:03:01

I am so tired this morning, I hardly slept due to worrying too much.

I am going to try and get an email address for my psych and write to him about getting a meds review. It's impossible to get hold of him so I'm hoping email will be better. I find it much easier to get across what I want by email too.

I am going to enjoy the fact that it's Friday. I am not going to let work stress ruin another weekend. Come 5pm I will be out of that door and can try and forget about it for two days.

I hope everyone else is looking forward to the weekend.

hoochymama1 Fri 01-Nov-13 09:17:27

Hope it's all calmed down, Ed, you have to make the best decisions for them at the time, you are the grown up, they are the DTDs. All power to you.

Hope you get through to the psych, Totally, get through today, then relax.

Thanks Lem, I feel better today, just off for a walk. Glad last night went well grin It's really hard to be kind to ourselves isn't it? I don't know what I'd do without this thread hmm

Hope everyone has a good day

SolidGold Fri 01-Nov-13 10:09:14

Stick to your guns Edwinia. You had a reason for your decision, that hasn't changed. They will come round and they will make new friends. I took my dd out of school when she was 8 and put her in a different one soon after. She wasn't too keen, but made friends straight away and loved it. They may complain until they actually start there, but they will be fine. I believe it is our decision as parents, as we have more experience etc

LEMisafucker Fri 01-Nov-13 10:16:15

Hello everyone - feeling so very sad today sad Can't say why, i am ok and so is my family - i am so so lucky

I know you are all right.

I was happier when I went to bed.

DTD1 was content (but not happy) with the decision.
DTD2 was not talking to me, but was considering new school a couple of weeks ago so I was content that she would come around. She is very very loyal to her best friend and it turns out they had made a pact to stick together but because I pulled rank in the closing hours she is angry at not being able to keep the pact (I was in communication with friends mum so she knew the score). I was happy that she would come round as all her other friends are moving (unlike DTD1).

They've both got up this morning barely talking to me. Not eating. On plus side they have a year to get used to the idea. On the negative side thats a whole year of angst for them and mean mummy for me before they get a chance to alay their anxieties through being there.

'Friend' (to which some will know back story) will not be happy at my decision as it won't suit her so will lay the guilt trip on me for making my DCs respond like this.

Meanwhile. I am hyper stressed. Could have done without this now. Meeting at uni today. House is a piga stye. I am not prepared for teaching cos shit keeps getting in the way.

I need to find a positive mental attitude in next 2 days or I will have failed before I start.

Group hug all round.

(((Hugs))) to all that need them, esp lem and ed.

ed can you identify yr three most impt tasks and make a start on one today?

lem I find school hols good but knackering - and no time to myself - could that be having an impact on you?

I booked 3 hrs off from being mum this morn and am on a train . first time I've ever done this journey and only second time on train alone this year. But its good.

Hang in there x

SnowyMouse Fri 01-Nov-13 13:18:26

The school issue sounds awful sad big hugs.

DumDum32 Fri 01-Nov-13 13:40:34

hey all

so been really really and & down mainly about my weight plus seem to be having a lot of anxiety issues so getting pretty angry on small things sad feel awful about it as I know about being terrible to all my family!

ED ur making the right decision stick to it. children think they know what's best for them but then again we all did at their age grin

CIQ thats wonderful that ur making time for yourself.

snowy hw u doing?

LEM <<<big hugs>>>

hope everyone doing ok & hugs to all x

LEMisafucker Fri 01-Nov-13 20:20:51

CiQ, something happened to a really dear friend of mine, its very sad and I can't do anything to help sad not my place, as it were. On the up side, i did have a lovely lovely catch up with my university friends, it also looks like I am gong to have more spider work to do so i am excited about that. Its funny, i am such an anxious person when it comes to transport and being in london but i love the train, my dad worked on the railway and i always associate train journeys with him. Every other thursday he would take me down to margate to get his pay packet and I was allowed on one ride in dreamland - always the up and down horses smile Such lovely memories - my DD1 lives just around the corner from where dreamland used to be, maybe one day it will be rebuilt sad

Ed, you are doing good - prioritise prioritise prioritise - you have sorted the schools, ok so it wasn't the most popular decision, but it was the right one - you have shown you are a good, strong parent and your girls will thank you for this one day. Take uni one step at a time and well, stuff the housework, that can wait smile

Snowy, are you home now?

Hugs to all, am tired not had too much chance to read through all the post x

SnowyMouse Fri 01-Nov-13 20:45:40

I am home now, struggling with the mountain of post. I've got family visiting tomorrow, hope it goes ok.

Thinking of you all, I'm too tired.

lem sorry to hear that sad. Hope you're surviving. Love the image of you and your dad on the train smile - a lovely memory. I'm more of a cars girl - my dad owned a car dealership/garage so I love the smell of a workshop and fresh petrol! Hope you've got your feet up now.

snowy don't worry about all the post today, get some rest and hope your visit is helpful.

dumdum sorry to hear you're having a tough time weight/anxiety wise. Anything particular exacerbated this?

ed hope you're OK.

SolidGold Fri 01-Nov-13 21:19:06

Hugs to everyone.

Work was rubbish today, everyone is so negative and also potentially dangerous situation with drunk client looming and I'm in alone tomorrow morning sad Not feeling too happy about that. Have been advised to call 999 if I see him over the road! Scary ...

Rescued the day a little by suggesting cinema visit after work, as it's the end of half term. Film was rubbish (Cloudy with chance of meatballs 2), but dd was happy. More junk food afterwards, as had trip to KFC - hating cooking at the mo and what I can eat is so restricted by IBS. That's three days in a row we've eaten out as I just can't be bothered - and we really can't afford to. Need to start watching the pennies again. Think I need to shop at aldi tomorrow.

Sorry to moan sad

LEMisafucker Fri 01-Nov-13 21:57:50

You are not moaning Solid! I feel your pain re the cinema - i got told off by the usher for mnetting my way through a film once - apparently my phone light was disruptive - there is an easy solution to this though, just stick your head under your jumper grin

SolidGold Fri 01-Nov-13 22:17:48

LEM, I was tempted to MN! Instead I kept nodding off sad

NanaNina Fri 01-Nov-13 22:29:30

I've been lurking for weeks on end and reading the thread and I see "old friends" Lem Vicar CIQ hoochy Unfortunately Ed Silvery but most of all SO pleased to see you Snowymouse and it's you that's brought me back to the thread. I knew you were in hospital and I came on the thread tonight to see if I could see you, and so was mightily pleased to see you towards the end of the thread. DO hope things will go well for you now.

Glad to see you unfortunately after the trauma of the loss of your dear daughter. I don't know how it feels to lose a child, but I can't think of anything any worse to be honest. Really hope you are getting some RL support to get you through the coming months and even years.

Hello to all newcomers and there's no way I can remember you all. Also sorry if I've missed out any "old friends" - LOVE the new puppy Vicar is it a german shepherd. I continue to suffer from intermittent depression and anxiety, but mostly depression - that "deep dark well of pointless nothingness, where all motivation to do anything has completely evaporated." Someone posted this on MN and it "spoke" to me as it just about sums up how I feel when the dreaded D word descends.

So sorry for all of you who are struggling with young children, jobs and money worries, awkward parents, DHs etc. I am fortunate to be retired so can hide under the duvet when necessary.

OK Snowymouse here's the deal - I'll stay on the thread so long as you post often to let us know how you are. I know I've said it before but you are such a lovely person struggling with a complex mental illness and yet you always reach out to others - you have such a generous spirit.

Incidentally Ed you won't need me to tell you a PGCE is a very heavy number when you are not feeling on top of things. It isn't even an academic year and so it all has to be crammed in to about 9 months if I remember rightly. My son and dil both did one and they were mega stressed a lot of the time. Do you have to do it?

Sorry Lem that your mother is still causing you problems, but I guess that's how it is always going to be unless you make a stand somehow, though I know that's easier said than done. I think dynamics in families get set in concrete, for good or bad.

CiQ sorry to hear you are having marital problems. I don't recall you mentioning this before, but maybe you did, I don't know. It is hard to know as you say whether it is the depression driving your feelings about DH or the other way around. I guess time will tell.

All for now.........NN

Am new to the thread but peeking round the door to say squeak hi brew

Have anxiety/depression. Had been well for 5 years but had a bad/fast relapse recently and am 2 weeks fresh out of hospital.

hugs to all that are struggling themselves.

Unfortunatelyangstridden Sat 02-Nov-13 06:46:30

Just checking in, it's been a very bad few of days. I'm struggling a lot at the minute and feel very exhausted.

It's been half term this week so have not been able to go to the day centre I go to which I have found hard. It is the one place where because everyone has a MH issue I relax a bit. People don't just talk about being ill they may chat about anything at all just like anyone else but there is no pressure at all. Nobody going on about when you feel better or more up to it we can (insert activity your nearest and dearest want you to be able to do again).

Does anyone lose get that feeling of pressure? Of course we all want to be well but I find the expectations of others makes me feel worse.

Sending love to all and thank you for the welcome back, and much love all round.

I find the expectations of others makes me feel worse - this, with bells on. Am getting better, bit by bit and because i'm trying stupidly hard but getting frustrated with what feels like impatience and is hard not to take personally thanks

DumDum32 Sat 02-Nov-13 09:42:43

CIQ I'm just tired of being a fat fuck I currently weigh 16 stones & I can't even bring myself to look in the mirror sad I just want to lose the weight desperate now. plus im tired of arguing with my voices about it also... at least if I become skinny they will shut the hell up! although I know then they'll find something else to upset me about.

LEMisafucker Sat 02-Nov-13 10:02:37

Dumdum - you are not a fat fuck - you weigh only half a stone more than i do and im only 5'2" Now im probably deluded but i actually don't consider myself to be fat - i'm overweight and id like to loose a bit, but strangely enough, for all of my self esteem issues that i have (and trust me, i have plenty) I am ok with my body - im actually happier looking in the mirror when im naked than clothed as im a size 22 so finding clothes can be difficult. So tell your voices to fuck the fuck off - you are not fat, and neither am i smile

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 02-Nov-13 10:17:18

dumdum be brave - look at yourself in the mirror - but as well as looking at your body, look into your own eyes. Reconnect smile

Your body is beautiful, btw, but too big atm for health and would look even better at a lower weight (like mine). I keep telling myself to exercise - walking or swimming for me, as have had problems with feet, and with knees.

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 02-Nov-13 10:18:45

I mean mine would look better at a lower weight too blush currently 13 st 4'5"

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 02-Nov-13 10:20:25

5' 5"

DumDum32 Sat 02-Nov-13 11:02:50

LEM I'm 5' 3" so not that much taller than u. I.just can't stand the weight anymore. I was 16 1/2 a month ago so have lost a bit but wanna get down to at least 12 stones (I didn't fat at this weight).

silvery thanks for the kind words.... I just can't seem to bring myself to look in the mirror at the moment. maybe after I've lost a bit more weight then I will get my confidence back again.

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 02-Nov-13 11:08:25

Then look in the mirror, not at your body, just into your own eyes. Reconnect smile

DumDum32 Sat 02-Nov-13 11:11:42

I will try smile

32 - I get the same. I think a lot of people do but agree with tsp smile

Am having a bad day today. Just so tired. Neighbours were loud dicks last night & DS woke lots for some reason. Plus my medication was increased and it means a week or two of being exhausted for no reason. Fun hmm grin

NanaNina Sat 02-Nov-13 14:04:40

I find the expectations of others a problem too. My depression just pops up from nowhere and I can go to bed feeling fine and wake up feeling shite, sometimes extremely shite and am too scared to get out of bed.

My closest friend is an art therapist working with people who are mentally ill, and she has been an enormous support to me but she doesn't seem able to believe that there are no triggers for my depression and anxiety, and is trying to make something irrational rational. Other friends also make comments like "Oh it's because it's the end of the summer....... or worst of all "you need to try to think positively........"aaaaaaaaargh. My CPN is lovely and understands that my depression is just something that arises from nowhere and says that I am a very "common presentation" I've been called some things but never that! It helps me to know that I am not that unusual to have this intermittent depression that can last anything from a day to 7 or 8 consecutive days, and varies in intensity.

Hmm the weight thing - I too am overweight and my DP is the same bloody weight as he was when I first met him over 40 years ago! All of my family are slim as are my friends......I tell myself it's because of the ADs 200 mg imipramine and 45mg mirtazapine. I've just brought a treadmill to get some exercise.

Snowymouse wherefore art though snowy??

SnowyMouse Sat 02-Nov-13 16:07:30

I'm still feeling fairly rough, sorry I can't respond to everyone individually quite yet. I really wanted to be at home rather than in hospital, perhaps I came out a little early. It was nice to see family earlier, but I'm very tired still, and struggling with symptoms (here you have to go through out of hours to speak to the crisis team, or be suicidal). I'd find that hard to say.

Thinking of all of you xxx

SnowyMouse Sat 02-Nov-13 16:47:52

PS Great to see you, NN (and everyone else too)

NanaNina Sat 02-Nov-13 19:49:32

Hello snowy I know you hate being in hospital, but hope you haven't come out too soon. I'm sure you could be re-admitted if you felt the need. It's unusual for you to want to see the crisis team, so am a bit worried for you. Is it the depression that is troubling you most? You must get through to them Snowy if you are feeling really low or have other symptoms.

Thinking of you.........NNx

Sorry to hear that snowy

Experiencing similar thanks

Hi everybody,

snowy and orchard keeper sending virtual hugs - sorry you're feeling bad tonight.

Snowy I really hope you're taking it easy - having visitors is tiring.

nana hi good to hear from you. Glad you're doing better these days.

dumdum hope you were able to take spcs advice. And remember its now, not always.

Am on phone and nervous I will loose post so wil post this and be back. ..

Forgive me, need a rant tonight. Dh admitted last night that he, since visiting his ill brother, is going to try and stop behaving as tho its all about him and try and consider that he's part of a family and that his actions impact on me And the kids. NO S**T. I am struggling to have respect for him when he seems to be living in a bubble. I had been beating myself up that I keep slipping back/not making as good progress as him, but actually it is exhausting living with him, adjusting to him, less energy for Me. It's proving v hard.

I wish he'd put some of his energies into being a father and husband instead of all the self help reading, philosophising, business planning etc. Teach your kids to cross the road, brush their teeth, pick up their clothes off the floor after they've got undressed - he does bedtime (which I am grateful for) and everything is left on the floor. He took ds for a haircut today and the one thing I specifically said was for the Barber just to use scissors (ds only 5) and when I walked in he was sitting at the opposite end of the place while ds hair being cut with electric shaver. Why do I bother. Grrrrr. Need to calm down befire I try and raise all this.

Rant over.

Thank you CIQ

And that sounds exhausting for you! thanks

I keep finding things to obsess about since anxiety hit me this summer. It's usually money or DS but this whole week it's been 'is my relationship ok or will P leave me because he can't handle this'? We had a heated conversation last weekend about the illness & he blurted out that it's just so hard for him & he got really angry. It's been fine since (and we made up at the time) but now it's been haunting me & I'm paranoid that he's hiding all sorts of resentment & i'm about to be dumped. It's frustrating because I feel ok when we're together (he's very loving most of the time) but the second he's not there, the thoughts all start & I find myelf worrying myself into quite a state sometimes.

I can't seem to stop it though...or tell if i'm being OTT or just catious. Bah humbug. Rant over, sorry.

(I sort of know i'm probably looking at the relationship from a skewed angle, so am taking things too personally or presuming the worst but I'm still finding it hard to judge what's ok to worry about and what is OTT/imagined. Having psychotherapy which will help).

SolidGold Sun 03-Nov-13 12:29:55

Orchard, sorry to hear that. I'm sure therapy will help put things in perspective. It's hard, isn't it, because you want them to be open, but then you worry about what they haven't said and how long they've been feeling like that.

I obsess about things too due to anxiety. For me it's money as dh is out of work and things are very tight at the moment. I spend all my time calculating in my head, working out how long we can manage, how much money we have for food, what I'll need to spend over Christmas, how I'm going to tell my (very materialistic) youngest dd that she probably won't get everything on her Christmas list.

My worst time is if I wake in the middle of the night, because everything is blown out of proportion. All my thoughts are really extreme then.

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 03-Nov-13 12:41:40

Orchard the very fact that you had a heated conversation, he got angry and you made up is a good sign IMHO.

solid we were on the dole in the early 90's, eventually I gave myself a half-hour each day just to have a good thorough worry - which helped.

CiQ at least your DH is trying to address things. Sounds a bit castles in the air though I have to admit. Actually doing things with you all would help I should think - if he will do it.

And how lovely to see NN again smile

waves to all I haven't namechecked.

SolidGold Sun 03-Nov-13 17:48:55

Thanks Silvery. I know we are ok for now, I just start worrying and can't stop hmm

Met a friend today, who has changed her whole life, forced to give up her job and started a catering business. She and her husband had to claim benefits for a bit until they started their business and she was quite laid back about it, said they saw it as an adventure. I think the problem is I feel guilty that we're having to claim JSA. Everyone I know - family, colleagues - keep asking, has dh found a job yet? It's as if constantly answering that question brings it home hmm

Hope everyone has had a restful weekend. Today we shopped at Aldi to see if we could cut our shopping bill. It was a bit full and chaotic, but I definitely spent less. The veg were very cheap compared to the supermarkets around here.

SnowyMouse Sun 03-Nov-13 18:15:50

Hugs to all

NanaNina Sun 03-Nov-13 23:50:41

Hello snowy and everyone else! It's midnight and time I went to bed was just checking in to see if you had posted. Keep in touch x

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 04-Nov-13 04:46:37

<runs in to hug nana and silvery....>

my new pup coupled with work is keeping me VERY busy....i need to catch up on the thread....
but nice to see some familiar faces!

so sorry everyone ive lapsed a bit - even though i feel i could use the thread im just so own fault mainly

will try and catch up on my days off....

hope everyone is doing ok.... x

Unfortunatelyangstridden Mon 04-Nov-13 10:56:02

Just saying hello, I don't know if you use the levels anymore but I am pleased I'm at a level 3, up washed and dressed after spending a lot of time in bed and not washed.

I have started a thread asking if anyone knows what currently not on a CPA means on a letter from my psychiatrist to my GP if anyone knows I would be grateful.

Hope everyone is doing ok

LEMisafucker Mon 04-Nov-13 11:09:21

Hi there UA, well done on the levels, that is fantastic - I am about a level 2 here, up and dressed but scruffy as hell and really needing to get off this computor! Sorry, can't help with the CPA but i am sure someone will know x

batterylow Mon 04-Nov-13 12:09:52

Hi everyone. Can I join you? I get very very low mood every evening from when it gets dark, am slightly better if I am going out or have something to look forward to but generally the panic sets in as it gets dark. Anyone else have a bad time of day?

I can be quite over excitable in the day after caffeine but just posted about my sleep deprivation and whether it is causing depression. Am scared of taking anti depressants as when I was on the, years ago I gained a lot of weight and also felt pretty rough the first couple of weeks. Anyone know of one that doesn't cause weight gain? I am quite obsessive over my weight and it in fact is one of my issues so I a, almost phobic about gaining more.

SnowyMouse Mon 04-Nov-13 13:37:31

Welcome batterylow anyone can join.

Hi batterylow have just read your other thread actually. Welcome.
Just dashing out with dcs but will try and post later. Hope you have your feet up if you can x

hoochymama1 Mon 04-Nov-13 17:02:30

((( Snowy ))) so lovely to hear you again, hope your having an easy day. It's tough when you first come back from hospital. Shouldn't the crisis team stay in touch with you, or is that just here. Don't hesitate to ask for help though that's what they're there for.

((( Nana ))) I feel so safe and warm when you post.

UA much love and hugs going in your direction. I think CPA is 'Care programme approach' where your care is co-ordinated, and you are considered high risk. It involves a named co-ordinator, a care plan, involving meds, support etc.
It could be that they no longer consider you high risk hmm and that your GP is the first call if you need help.

Lots of love to all, I get so much strength from just reading the posts thanks

hoochymama1 Mon 04-Nov-13 17:16:49

Welcome,batterylow hope the evening is not too bad for you. Gosh weight gain and meds just seem to go together. Also feeling rough on A/Ds is pretty common. But.. I feel a heck of a lot better after I went to the GP. Fat, yeah, but less wanting to end it all grin

SnowyMouse Mon 04-Nov-13 18:56:33

((( all )))

I'm in the 'I've put on weight but the meds have helped' camp too. CPN is coming tomorrow.

notagiraffe Mon 04-Nov-13 19:02:02

Hi please can I join? Here's a big basket of apples from the orchard for pies and crumbles and to be dipped in toffee.

Cut back to 10mg during the summer but feel so sad at the moment, and anxious too, which is not normally a problem for me. So worried about DS2. I need to go back onto 20mg,(citalopram) but can't bear the exhaustion (used to sleep every afternoon when I should have been working) and the weight gain. Also had a few mood swings. Hate them most of all.

But the village is lovely. Can I plant some dogwood down by the river here, as the bright colours look so lovely when there's a frost? I've got some raspberry, flame and lime green varieties.

LEMisafucker Mon 04-Nov-13 19:21:31

The dogwood sounds lovely, as do the apples - you'll it right in!

I am on 20mg citalopram and i can feel shattered, particularly at this time of day so i know how you feel too batterylow its like i get hit by the tired stick. Today hasn't been too bad, managed to cook some chicken soup which we will now have tomorrow. Feel qutie agitated though - I had the most terrifyiing dream i have ever had last night and of course dreams are so much more vivid when on citalopram, i woke up scared for the first time i can remember (lots of waking up anxious but this was horror movie scared!)

LEMisafucker Mon 04-Nov-13 19:22:59

posted too soon - the dream involved my parents and some consequences of my bad behaviour, really really horrible and my poor dad was trying to put things right - put it this way, it involed a madman with a chainsaw - I am actually fretting about going to bed tonight sad

gooblediguk Mon 04-Nov-13 19:27:41

I was going to NC but no point. I would love to see any positive in my life but fail to do so.

Hi notagiraffe course you can. Love the apples and dogwoods - sound beautiful. It's hard with these drugs isn't it. How long have you been on the citalopram?

batterylow like hoochy says its a v common problem - tho I believe some ADs are worse than others for weight gain. I know its paradoxical, but are you able to get out for a walk occasionally (when its not raining wink) I am finding that even if I'm feeling tired it does give me a bit of a boost and helps me sleep sounder. Are you able to have a couple of nights off a week where you don't get up for your DC (do you have a spare room/somewhere else to sleep to avoid being disturbed) just so you at least get a chance to recharge your sleep batteries a bit for making a decision on ADs?

UA great work on level 3! Hope you've had some sun where you are.

hoochy nice to "see" you again. How's things?

snowy hope today's been manageable. Hope the CPN visit is helpful.

lem hope your Monday's been ok.

I am doing ok tonight. Working hard to manage my emotional reactions to a couple of things. Main thing is I was really brave a few weeks back and invited some mums to a quiz night at the local pub (inc 2 I used to be quite good friends with but my depression this year has turned a bit pear-shaped). One new friend who is great. Anyhow she replied straight away and keen. Others said hmm maybe. Well its supposed to be this week and one has now said she can't. Am waiting for other to bail out now. Do I go just me and new friend - she will know the others have stood me up tho and I feel weird about that. It is poss to have a team of 2 - I do with my sis - but impossible to get a decent score! Not sure if its too full on for a new friendship iyswim? Social anxiety kicking in hmm... any thoughts most welcome...

lem that sounds awful. And I know what you mean about the vivid dreams... Can you read yourself to sleep with a Barbara Cartland or something grin

Hi gobbldiguk want to tell us more?

notagiraffe Mon 04-Nov-13 19:38:27

Colouringin - could you join up with another small team? Or invite partners along too. Anyone else you can think of who might like to go - maybe new people in your area or at your DCs school?

You sound very sensitive (in a good way) to other people and what they might need - being concerned that a team of two is a bit intense.

Thanks notagiraffe - I feel like its a bit late to ask anyone else as it'll be just 2 days away when I do... but there is someone possible... partners no good cos then babysitters required...

LEMisafucker Mon 04-Nov-13 19:47:02

CiQ i think i'd rather risk the crazed chainsaw man than Ms Cartland!

batterylow Mon 04-Nov-13 20:11:01

Thanks all. Dh has offered to do the youngest over night so that would help as usually we take turns which involves me waking him still. I will sleep downstairs. Although unusually the older one is now up and down too due to bloody fireworks!

Sounds like ads, as I suspected would cause a bit of weight gain. I really really do find exercise helps especially if I can get out in the sun for a bit so will maybe try upping that , good plan. Don't think I can handle more weight gain right now due to how low I feel but I know that is stupid as they would help me feel less low!

DumDum32 Mon 04-Nov-13 21:30:48

Arghhh feel like a flippin potato today have eaten so much!!!

SolidGold Mon 04-Nov-13 21:37:04

DumDum I'm having one of those days too. Just sent dh out for ice cream shock

DumDum32 Mon 04-Nov-13 21:47:42

Oh solid i had to stop myself before i ate the whole tub of ice cream shock

SolidGold Mon 04-Nov-13 22:17:15

I stopped at one bowl, but am now well into a bag of Kettle Chips hmm

SolidGold Mon 04-Nov-13 22:18:05

BUT I have managed to stay away from gluten - but not dairy hmm

SolidGold Tue 05-Nov-13 04:04:59

Sorry for rambling on about food. I'm paying for eating rubbish now, can't sleep. I've got heartburn and can't find any Rennies. My mind has gone into overload, as it is prone to do in the middle of the night. So I've brought my phone and book downstairs and am cuddling up with the dog!

hoochymama1 Tue 05-Nov-13 08:49:03

That sounds nice, Solid I hope you got some sleep eventually smile

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 05-Nov-13 09:01:03

As the dark nights draw in, tis the season for comfort eating.

I began to put weight on through comfort eating due to being a)unhappy in marriage (thought it was 'just' depression), then b) unhappy in work. And then through being on olanzapine + a + b. I found it hard to exercise due to being miserable and unmotivated, though if I did do it, it helped.

Twas particularly galling to be told at GP check up - done because of long term mh condition - that I was borderline obese - partly because of the meds dealing with my mh.

I don't think my AD (paroxatine) causes weight gain, at least for me.

philnteds Tue 05-Nov-13 11:11:59

Hello quick post
I don't like dark nights either...feels like the day is over by 4:30.
Do you look at people who are naturally bright and happy and think 'wow how do you do that?'
I work with a lady and she is brilliant she is so positive and upbeat why can't I have some of that?.....

Hi philnteds yes I do... for me its often a constant battle to counter the negative thoughts with kinder more compassionate ones, but I am trying to keep doing it! I just read on another thread actually someone recommending Paul Gilbert's "Compassionate mind" or something similar... Dark evenings don't help do they. We're trying to enjoy the cosying up side - blankets, hot chocolates and fires.... its worth a try! take care.

LEMisafucker Tue 05-Nov-13 14:59:53

philnteds - i so hear you, i can't help but wonder if im so used to being like this now that its my normal and that there is some bright and wonderful world that im missing out on. But then you should hear half of my friends whinging on i think we all have our crosses to bear.

wow lem I could have written your post. I had a good glimpse of that bright and wonderful world in September I think it was, but its been darker since then... must get dcs (grrr) take care all.

Hi all, just marking my place and stopping by to say "hello" - looks nice and cosy here, and encouraging, which I think I'm going to need to get me through winter .... but still autumn right, even after that storm still some leaves on the trees ?!

LEMisafucker Tue 05-Nov-13 15:54:24

Still autumn juggling - still leaves on the trees and a fair few on the floor for kicking about, then theres the chestnuts to collect, fires to sit in front of and hot chocolates to be drunk........and a medicinal and warming brandy to be had smile Welcome to the village.

What a lovely warm welcome, brandy as well grin
I think I've passed by before, when you had the summer fete open?
Is that right?

LEMisafucker Tue 05-Nov-13 16:05:17

Yep - gotta love a summer fete!

SnowyMouse Tue 05-Nov-13 16:08:45

Welcome all the new people, and hello to all, new and old.

I feel very low, hope cpn is helpful rather than frustrated today hmm

LEMisafucker Tue 05-Nov-13 16:10:58

<<snowy>> I hope you feel better soon - make sure you tell cpn what you need x

CPN's shouldn't be frustrated surely? Just endlessly patient and encouraging? (I was a student psychi nurse once, with a CPN on one placement - I suppose they're only human!)

My own self diagnosis ATM is long standing low level depression (dysthymia) with attention deficit tendencies and probably peri-menopause as I join Hully in approaching my 50th

Possibly I should talk with my GP more about this stuff, but I try to address things in other ways - though often forget I need to.
I find getting out for walks and seeing friends all helps - MN company good as well though probably needs balancing with RL!

SnowyMouse Tue 05-Nov-13 18:07:23

She seemed must be difficult to work with suicidal people hmm She suggested not doing open university work this week so I can settle in to being home. She is off next week. I did get out today.

I have art therapy tomorrow, not looking forward to the weather though.

How is everyone doing?

Exhausted wave from the corner.

Hugs and thoughts to all.

notagiraffe Tue 05-Nov-13 19:15:55

Hi everyone,

I've got some lovely applewood logs for the fire - they burn really sweetly. And a stash of soft rugs to snuggle under.

Snowymouse (loveloy name) sorry you feel so low. Can you get out in the fresh air at all tomorrow? that helps me so much - a walk or run when the sun is at its highest.

In RL - DH found a box of fireworks left over from last year so we're going to set them off in the garden for DC when they've done their homework.

Upped dose last night and was comatose all day. Did very little work and no exercise but did view a house (might be moving.) I loved it. DH didn't.

SnowyMouse Tue 05-Nov-13 19:28:10

Hugs Ed

That sounds a lovely atmosphere, notagiraffe I have to go out tomorrow for art therapy anyway.

Enjoy the fireworks! (same goes for anyone going)

SolidGold Tue 05-Nov-13 19:39:55

I love the thought of burning logs (fake electric fire here sad) and cosy blankets. We only have one blanket, maybe I should knit one, as I have lots of spare wool somewhere.

batterylow Tue 05-Nov-13 19:41:24

Hi all, it seems I am not alone in hating the dark evenings then!

Got some sleep last night but don't feel much better, guess it will take more than one night (when I say I got sleep I mean 10-3 then 3.30 to 6,30 so probably still less than I feel I need but way better than usual.

Very paranoid at work today. Felt people were talking about me etc, not a nice feeling. Also didn't manage to get a walk after due to finishing late so think that makes things worse as I am going out at the weekend so worried I will spoil my omen night by obsessing that I am fat and old! Grr I would love to be a happy positive person too. I can cope with the big stuff it seems then fall apart at the details.

SolidGold Tue 05-Nov-13 19:49:13

Battery, I know what you mean. I often think people are talking negatively about me when I'm not around sad I wish I could just not care what people think.

batterylow Tue 05-Nov-13 19:58:03

It's miserable isn't it. I thin I come across as a bit aloof or something because i am so busy obsessing over myself, ahhh I hate it!

SolidGold Tue 05-Nov-13 20:32:46

I think I have seemed aloof in the past too, now I work for a small company, only three other members of staff, and the two on the same level as me are very open about their insecurities, problems and fears, which helps a lot. I feel more at ease than I have before, apart from the fact that I've had a ten year period out of the business and have more responsibility than before, which has been scary. I've been there 8 months and I'm getting there, but hate the fact that I'm part time and the others fulltime, so I miss a lot when I'm not in and have to play catch up each time I go in to work.

Hi everyone,
lovely to see all your new faces smile
Loving the fire - thanks notagiraffe and thanks also for support last night. I did invite someone else for Thurs night and she (despite me being convinced otherwise) said yes!

I've a pile of lovely colourful fleecy blankets for anyone who needs one. I'm sat on the sofa under a yellow one.

battery and solid I know what you mean too. A friend of mine described me once as a private person - and that helped me see that I'm not naturally very open... too anxious/low self esteem.
battery glad you had a better night... like you say, you need several more... I originally went to docs after a week of v disturbed nights following a v tough year, and she said to imagine I had flu and just rest as much as poss for 2 weeks...

Waves to Ed

Snowy what did you think of the CPN's suggestion? I'd be v interested to hear what the art therapy involves - hope the rains not too bad for you...

Hi Juggling how long do you think you've had dysthymia for? I find the support on here helps - have to ration the time - but I think has given me a little more confidence in rl if that makes sense?!

lem any brandy left? wink

Had counselling today. Pretty heavy stuff - looking at me and dh sad anger, sadness, resentment, loss of respect. Don't know if I said what he said to me at the weekend - after the bil visit "I realise its not just all about me now" shock I am at the moment, happier, more myself, more relaxed when I'm not around him. I'm finding it very worrying tbh.

But hey he's working this eve so I have some peace.

batterylow Tue 05-Nov-13 22:17:19

Colouringinqueen I know how exhausting counselling is, and relationship issues are so draining. I can't talk to dh much ATM I find all my energy has to go on the children and then I crash when they are in bed. I am also a very private person, I think it makes counselling quite hard at times. Hope you have had a peaceful evening. I like the two weeks rest idea! I pretend to everyone I am ok so tend to do too much so that no one notices, should probably save energy a bit more.

Solid I am part time too, it can be like the first day back after a holiday feel every week, wondering what have I missed etc can't it?!

SolidGold Tue 05-Nov-13 22:33:36

Yes Battery, exactly like returning from a holiday every week. But they still expect me to just pitch in straight away, knowing what's going on! I love it when I'm there fulltime providing holiday cover, it's so much easier. However, I become very anxious as I never know when my IBS will kick in and I don't want to be unreliable. I need more hours ideally and the boss is going to try and increase my hours in the new year, but I'm also very apprehensive. On top of that one day a month my painful periods leave me unable to stand up hmm I wish I knew how easy life was when I was younger.

I am sorry for waffling on so much. I have no one I can talk to. The only person who knows about my depression is my dh and he doesn't understand how it actually feels, nor does he understand IBS or painful periods.

It is great to be able to come on here and know people understand. I wish I could remember everyone's names, but I'm thinking of you all.

not waffling at all. It's great you can be open here x

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 05-Nov-13 23:34:36

too weary to post properly....i have just worked an 18 hour shift. (was meant t)

but wanted to pop head around door and wave....x

Hi Vicar and friends - Wow 18 hrs shift no wonder you're knackered !

ColouringIn kindly asked how long I feel I've had dysthymia - all I can really say is that I think I've had issues with attention deficit tendencies all my life and since teenage years and especially all my adult life I've often lapsed into a low mood and found things difficult to cope with - more so at some times than others - life with two small children I found particularly hard going, especially when DS was a baby. Possibly much of this stems from having ADD, but it's all self-diagnosed really - though I've had some counselling support via GP and independently.
Relationship issues also have their part to play I think.

To end on a positive my DC usually lift my spirits every day - DS painted a beautiful picture yesterday after we visited the National Gallery last week for half-term. He's learning about the impressionists who I also love.

batterylow Wed 06-Nov-13 12:48:08

Ah juggling, that's lovely! I know what you mean, as much as the children cause stress they are also a lovely positive focus.

The attention problems sound familiar to me too, used to be much better though and in my case I worry I caused it by taking lots of drugs when in my early teens. Keep thinking I wonder what that did to my still growing brain! I definitely didn't have all the paranoia before that either. Or is it paranoia making me think that's what caused it , who knows!

Solid not waffling at all, I know how you feel, I can't be reliable at work because of my child's health but it is the same thing, its hard and I hate the letting down feeling.

SnowyMouse Wed 06-Nov-13 13:43:08

The CPN's suggestion makes sense, a little hmm sad Art therapy involves using whatever medium you like to create whatever you like, then talking about the process and/or finished product (but you don't have too).

I am freezing, no heating for art therapy.

How is everyone else? vicar, you must be exhausted. ((( all )))

SnowyMouse Wed 06-Nov-13 13:46:26

The art therapist said she had to talk to my CPN because I mentioned suicidal thoughts (but no plans, just fleeting thoughts). I am better than I was. sad

So its my twin vicars fault I am so exhausted sad

So, so exhausted.

First full week this week.

I am going to aim to be in bed by 11pm tonight.

((*snowy*)) art therapy sounds good, hope it continues. Your fleeting thoughts, is it you looking for an escape from your current situation or more than that? (ignore if too intrusive)

ed you're doing so well, keep going, 3 days down, 2 to go, and def get into bed by 11.

Had a nice day with my dad smile and did a few fireworks in the garden with dcs which they really enjoyed smile. dh working again this eve...

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 06-Nov-13 21:41:45

oh sorry ed...nearly the weekend - your more than halfway through.

i havent got dressed today, my hair resembles catweazles.....i am trying to recover.

i had a marathon shift - annoying because i got stitched up a bit really - had to go and deal with a prisoner in another was complicated but i got a good result - he was a danger to women and it was my job - he just happened to turn up over a 2 hour drive away. I got a good result though so it was worth it. My victim was very happy.
i am just very tired!

im goint to try and get to bed at a resonable hour tonight, i need to be up early tomorrow, am food shopping, then meeting a friend for lunch and im hoping i can pick my new specs up....ive gone for something very different for me! and im trying varifocals - my eyes have given up the ghost. it became very apparent yesterday when i was struggling to read stuff after 18 hours.....

sleep well ed

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 06-Nov-13 23:37:00

snowy your art therapist will be working under Safeguarding Rules, so she's obliged to tell your CPN about the thoughts. Presumably they are one of your most problematic symptoms, and the art therapy may help - at least there is something for the therapy to work on, iyswim. Actually I am a little bit envy of your art therapay, though I suppose I could always start painting off my own bat.

SnowyMouse Thu 07-Nov-13 13:56:08

You can do it Ed! That sounds fulfilling, vicar, but challenging.

I'm surprised how accessible the art therapy was, there's 4 people including me now.

Wishing everyone luck for today!

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 07-Nov-13 14:10:44

Can't seem to get going today, plumber was supposed to be coming today but texted last night asking to rearrange by phone this morning, and then didn't ring me. It seems to have thrown me, I must shop for the weekend as car going in for clutch repair tonight. I will hibernate the laptop after this, and go!

So nice seeing your cheery post, snowy, I think you might have helped by giving me that little lift smile

Snowey - At least you say you're doing better. Hope it continues. I love art therapy where I am.

Am also putting on weight. Been on the ADs for almost a month (first week of which I was in hospital). I find that keeping 'well' and trying not to backtrack is very hard. Am fairly stable now but when I have a 'wobble' it really does shake the boat & make me feel like giving up all over again. And anxiety wise, I keep feeling tempted to break up with BF just because I can't handle another day of obsessing over imagined relationship worries. It's sad when I think about it because I 'know' nothing's wrong when i'm at my best/having a good day but it still creeps in a lot. It'd be such a waste. I really need to get them to hurry my therapy up i guess!

Am ok though. Scuse the waffling.


(Makes me feel like a stereotypical/hollywoodized crazy woman tbh. A la Glenn Close or something blush Nevermind).

MyBoilsAreFab Thu 07-Nov-13 14:22:38

Hi Vicar. I just clicked on your thread, haven't read it all the way through yet, but noticed the comments about omeprezole and iron absorption on the first page. I have been taking it for a while due to acid reflux, and am also taking fluoxetine since May. I didn't know about the iron position - could you tell me more?
Are you a big Smiths fan Vicar? I was, perhaps we should listen to them more - that would cheer us up!

MyBoilsAreFab Thu 07-Nov-13 14:24:35

Sorry, I meant to say I am asking because despite feeling much better since fluoxetine kicked in, I have in the last 2/3 weeks been feeling absolutely knackered and lifeless and could not think why.

MBAF - I've been having it with my ADs & it's wearing off but it's definitely a side effect of them (albeit the only one which is why i've stayed on them) and i've been tested for anemia etc to check for anything else. Maybe it's a side effect? Hope you feel less knackered soon. It's horrible at the time, especially if you already feel really drained from being ill etc thanks

DS hasn't been sleeping and i can feel myself just feeling more desperate again. I've been feeling more positive lately but feel shit again the last few days from sleep deprivation. I can't seem to catch the negative thoughts/challenge them before they've made me feel crap & then beat myself up over not 'getting better' right...It's ridiculous written down but it's a hard one to crack.

I keep wishing I lived alone, no DS and no BF so I can just ride out the bad days without the added pressure of family/friends telling me how i'm not trying hard enough if I have the odd 'off' day. It just makes me feel ten times worse.

kim147 Thu 07-Nov-13 15:33:33

Just popping in to say hi. I've started on sertraline for 6 weeks now. Looking back at my life, I think I've been down and anxious for many years but never did anything about it.

I feel tired and lethargic at the moment. I work as a supply teacher and it's been so quiet. I do tutoring as well which keeps me going. I just need a job as I know it would be so good for me.

Anyway, hi to everyone. I recognise quite a few names on here.

Hi kim smile

Am also trying to find a job (any job!) as I know it would help but having been out of work since DS was born is making it bloody awkward and the last 2 places I worked closed down (recession related) so I only have one bloody reference. Am trying not to get really really pissed off with it grin

Hi fellow job seekers - I've actually filled in an application form for a promising job in pre-school round the corner this afternoon, and am just going to drop it off, after finishing my brew

Orchard - I found people were quite understanding when I was returning to work after DC. Anyhow I was lucky and got first thing I applied for.
Wish it was as easy now, but am a bit hopeful about this one.

The reference aspect can be a right pain can't it?
I've got on very well with many colleagues over the years, but have also changed jobs a lot (enjoy variety!) - and having to give one from your last employer can sometimes be a bit problematic I find - not that I've done anything wrong but you don't know what they'll say ? Probably a spot of over anxiety on my part.

Anyone with any tips on references ?

kim147 Thu 07-Nov-13 16:02:52

I've had loads of interviews over the past year. 2 last half term. But no job. I have had a few short term contracts but the funding has stopped. It's really hard when you build up friendships, relationships and actually feel useful. Then it goes like that and you're back to square one.

I'm pissed off because I had 2 applications in last week for jobs that I know I am qualified and experienced for as intervention tutors and have not heard anything when I thought I would.

I know what you mean about references. I think my old boss must be pissed off with always receiving reference requests.

SnowyMouse Thu 07-Nov-13 16:29:48

Welcome to all the new and not-so-new people, I can't keep up.

I'm having a low day, but on a 2.

Tell me about the scale snowy ?
Sorry you're feeling blue x

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 07-Nov-13 17:43:29

Sorry you're not as cheery as your post might have suggested snowy brew [hug] I'll let you explain the levels...

Got in a nice lot of shopping, and have plans to do a cook and freeze day soonish. Car gone to be fixed. Tired but fine.

SnowyMouse Thu 07-Nov-13 17:46:35

I may not remember right, but level 1=pjs, 2=dressed a bit/slob around the house clothes, 3=dressed to go out (please correct me).

My mood is a 3-4 out of 10.

That sounds nice and productive silvery !

DumDum32 Thu 07-Nov-13 19:20:33

Hello all old n new (sorry too long a list to name check)

snowy ive been at level one for a week now just cant b bothered with anything sad

kim147 Thu 07-Nov-13 19:20:52

Level 1 till 3pm. Not good

notagiraffe Thu 07-Nov-13 20:49:45

Blimey Snowy, didn't know about those levels. I've been in PJs for three days except when I have to go out, when I've been in old jeans. Where does that level thing come from?

And since we're in the village, I'm making whisky toddies and spiced apple crumble tonight. Help yourself.

SnowyMouse Thu 07-Nov-13 20:53:07

I can't remember who came up with those levels notagiraffe, it was someone on an earlier thread (anyone?).

I hope tomorrow is better kim (and all).

PioneersAndPirateShips Thu 07-Nov-13 21:34:49

Just wanted to post here, struggling but don't feel like it needs a whole thread, I just want to let my thoughts out somewhere safe.

I'm drowning in everything I need to do. I don't do it, so then it gets worse. I am such a stupid, rubbish person. I take things on and then let people down. I am useless at work and at home, I'm a bad partner, bad mum and bad friend. I feel like I never have time to do anything for myself, I am always trying to catch up on the stuff I still haven't done, but other people are far busier than me and they cope just fine. I have struggled with anxiety and OCD but they haven't been so bad lately, except for this voice that just always tells me how useless and hated I am. I totally despise myself, I wish I could just be someone else. Absolutely everything that happens just seems to be evidence of how bad I am. I know that this is probably irrational but I just can't talk myself out of it.

Sorry, rant over sad

I am queen of the levels.

I was also queen of a 5 day level 1 existence.

LEMisafucker Thu 07-Nov-13 22:01:32

Pioneers - wow, you are hard on yourself! you sound like i do sometimes when i am struggling. It IS irrational, but if you aren't well, then you can't hope to talk yourself out of it. ARe you getting any help/support at all? It sounds like you are under a lot of stress - is that work related? is there any way you could lessen this? I think you need to go to your GP, maybe they could sign you off for a few weeks - that may be all you need to help you back onto an even keel. What about medication are you on any meds?

Hello everyone, lots of new faces, sorry i don't say hi just now - tired.

PioneersAndPirateShips Thu 07-Nov-13 22:06:51

LEM - I'm not really getting much support at the moment but that is my fault because I'm not really being honest about how I feel. The stress isn't work related - to be honest work is where I feel least stressed at the moment. I am studying though and have other commitments that I am supposed to be doing when I'm not being so useless. I am not on any meds but I have got some fluoxetine left over from before. I am considering taking some but then I know I will have to go and see my GP and I don't want to talk to him really.

Sorry you are feeling tired sad

Pioneers I really sympathise as I really struggle to get practical stuff (or any stuff really) done. I'm not as hard on myself as you though saying you're a bad mum or a bad friend - I only occasionally realise that it might be easier to be someone else, and then only in the company of the mega efficient super women types - and only the ones I really like too wink

I was interested to see you end your post with "but I can't talk myself out of it" because I'm interested in cognitive therapy and writers like Dorothy Rowe challenging us to consider do we believe something (like what you wrote about yourself) 100% or could there be even 10% of you that thinks I'm an awesome woman, I'm a much loved Mum, I like being me ? Maybe talk to yourself about those ideas more and see if you can convince yourself ?!

Hope you get the idea, and that it might be a small help to you or others.

Oh, and the levels were interesting - like how they're based on attire smile
I've spent most of the year vaguely on 2 and am shocked how much faffing is involved in getting myself presentable to meet the world - for example yesterday when I went to a short committee meeting in London and even considered finding matching socks smile
I often have to squeeze a bath in before picking up the DC from school blush - though usually they come home on their own since September.

Unfortunatelyangstridden Thu 07-Nov-13 22:38:20

I can't remember who did the levels either but there is the top level of 4 which means amazing stuff like putting mascara on. I don't think I have managed a level 4 for a year!

I have had a good day today, about time as I had virtually not left the house for two weeks. I got asked out for a supper date by an 81 year old man today. He was rather charming but as I'm married and almost young enough to be his granddaughter I had to politely decline.

Regarding telling people you need help, it is hard, very hard. I have always felt embarrassed and also that I may 'get in trouble'. I have admitted truthfully how I feel and I'm now getting a support worker. I felt wretched baring my soul like that and spent two days in bed after showing my inner self to my psychiatrist. If you don't feel able to talk to your GP and some are far easier to talk to than others could you ask to see a different one?

Love to all, is wonderful to see lots of people I recognise and glad that new people have found the thread.

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 07-Nov-13 22:43:23

hi all

myboils - i think omeprazole hinders iron absorbtion - thats as much as i know! i am awaiting surgery to fix my reflux problem - its got quite out of hand. im having the nissen fundoplication soon.
try googling...?. (not too much though!!)

the levels were eds invention! level 1 is pjs....level 2 is scruffs, dressed but not well enough to venture out.....level 3 is properly dressed....we had bonus points for hair and make up....

i am mostly level 3 these days which is great - always level 1 following a night shift.
the puppy is giving me a new lease of life and forcing me out of bed in the mornings....he needs feeding and letting out.

i picked up the new specs today - i feel very trendy! and the varifocals are fab - i went to where i used to work. the varis are wonderful - i cant tell im wearing them.

i am currently supporting a friend who is ill - makes me realise how far ive come. Also definitely holding my own at work now.

love to all on here - old and new.

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 07-Nov-13 22:46:48

....and ive had a lovely email from our DV unit in praise of my last job. i got a man who was a danger to women put away.
it was complex and time consuming, but i got a great result. its nice to have that acknowledged particularly when ive had such a hard time fitting into the job.

Hi everyone and esp new people pioneers I think your post will have resonated with a lot od people here - it certainly did here.

I'm really struggling now. Just got in.

My sis and I go to my local occasionally and join in the pub quiz for fin (we are useless). I enjoy those eves so thought I'd see if some school mums wanted to do it.

Anyhow its not been easy to organise, someone dropped out, I had to find a new person. Timings tricky etc etc. Anyhow, just in from it. It felt contrived, conversation was stilted by the qns in a way it wasn't with me and my sis. Felt like they were all humouring me. One didn't even bother saying goodbye sad

I had thought it would be a good challenge to set myself as I never instigate social stuff, but I wish I hadn't. Dh has given up on me and gone to bed. One friend was talking about how great it was that his presentation today had gone so well, and it made me feel worse that I'm struggling so much with him at the moment. Just want to walk out the front door and keep walking.

kim147 Thu 07-Nov-13 23:29:07

I can relate to so much on here especially the voices telling you you are not good enough. I have the mindfulness book but not tried it yet. It's good to be with people who understand. I have one RL friend who is in a similar situation so that's helpful.

Hi kim yep I'm familiar with those boxes too. Which mindfulness book do you have?

kim147 Thu 07-Nov-13 23:37:32

It's the one recommended on here. 8 weeks. Involves eating chocolate but slowly.

Oh yes I know the one I fell off the wagon at ch 6 but it was good.

I really should go to bed but I can't seem to get off the sofa. Part of me thinks just sleep here, another part says but you won't sleep well...

SolidGold Fri 08-Nov-13 00:12:29

Therapy that involves eating chocolate? Sounds great smile

Sorry to hear some of you are struggling. Can identify with so much that has been written.

Because of work - customer facing - I have to be a level 3, but at home am mostly a 2, would like to be level 1 tho hmm

I can't tell anyone how I feel. I Have always worried SS would be involved and my children would be taken away from me. I love my children so much, but the lethargy and depression mean I don't spend as much time doing stuff, properly doing stuff with them as I should - well, with youngest dd, the other two are adults now and have moved out. I try to hug and kiss them all as often as possible, so hopefully they will always know I love them.

notagiraffe Fri 08-Nov-13 07:51:57

Ed those levels are really clever. Such a simple way of gauging how you are doing. I kept wondering why I was living in PJs at the moment, just at around the same time I noticed I really had to up my dose.

Bit hacked off though, as when I am depressed I lose weight, I started a diet recently and was finding it unbelievably easy. Upped my dose and the carb cravings are like monster heads and tentacles - all reaching for the nearest starchy thing to stuff into my mouth.

One day there'll be an SSRI that doesn't make you put on two stone...

notagiraffe Fri 08-Nov-13 07:52:12

...and sleep for England

notagiraffe Fri 08-Nov-13 07:59:50

pioneer and Solid - it's so common to be overly hard on ourselves when we're ill. It's actually OK to have a day or two in PJs as you would with any other illness.

Solid, I think letting DC sit in front of TV and feeding them easy stuff like tinned spaghetti is absolutely fine when you are ill. That and your cuddles will make their lives better than 99% of the children in the world. Don't forget they get a lot of stimulus at school or nursery. It's OK to veg out when you are ill. Far better than setting up an impossible tasks programme to prove to yourself you're a good mum, then getting all shouty and upset when it's too stressful to manage.

Colouring you did the quiz. That was an achievement. Interaction can feel very stilted and unpleasant when we're ill, especially if there's any paranoia in the mix, but maybe they weren't as judgemental as you think. The main thing is - you did it. And that's a good thing.

Thanks giraffe I really appreciate that. Had a lousy nights sleep full of bad dreams so am planning a lazy chunk of the day. Do need to do the supermarket run tho.

notagiraffe Fri 08-Nov-13 09:25:42

Well I'm now top level dressed and about to put mascara on! Even ironed my clothes for the first time this year. Off to meet a friend/colleague who is in a really bad way - her life has collapsed in pretty much every area and she is the loveliest person. So I want to look like the strong, together supportive one, not the one who needs a spell in a sanctuary to recover from ordinary every day life hmm

Children's TV is underrated too I think. CeeBeebies especially is full of quality programmes and engaging presenters. CBBC pretty good too with Horrible Histories and Blue Peter etc. I think as a backdrop to family life, especially if you can engage with it a little as well alongside the DC (ideally !) - with a brew on the sofa and the odd cuddle! - and maybe they go to nursery/ pre-school as well - as giraffe says I think that child can be getting everything they need.
BTW Anyone see the interesting programme last night about population by the Swedish professor - very thought provoking about how the rest of the world live - for example a lovely couple in Africa (with many children) who had been saving up for 2 years for a bicycle. Was great to see the father buy it at market after selling their crop of sesame seeds, and take it home to show wife and children. So inspiring!
Sorry for tangent just that giraffe mentioned children's lives throughout the world. Our DC don't have it too bad!

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 08-Nov-13 09:55:56

Yes I saw that programme - excellent I thought.

Pioneers I was like you - and still am. I believe I have ADD tendencies. I also think that it was the 'not getting started' that made me feel depressed - it's so frustrating. Flylady (adapted somewhat, as I hate routines!) helped quite a bit.

Occasionally I'd be able to keep it all together - for about 3 days. Then I would burn out. Now I'm retired and living on my own, things are better, but I still struggle and cope in rather a stop-start way.

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 08-Nov-13 11:55:59

Hey, I'm trying Spotify and loving it - am teaching it my 60's preferences and trying to clear up kitchen in between grin

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 08-Nov-13 11:57:10

Still at Level 1 though - and missed recycle day, although did think of putting bin out while still in dressing gown and nighty.

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 08-Nov-13 12:15:36

im at level 1 too but i might attempt to progress to level 2 later and walk the older dog....she s none to happy about the new addition.

i was meant to be seeing a friend ive not seen for 12 years for lunch today but she is ill.

im going to do a bit of housework i think, dh can play with the pup when he gets home - pup is soaked - he was playing with the hose pipe and i thought if i turned it on he would leave it......not a chance! GSD LOVE water! he thought it a fabulous game!

right id better move before i stagnate....

i also lived at "level 1" for weeks when first diagnosed. i found it quite healing and i naturally progressed to getting dressed etc as i started to feel better - but still need a level 1 day now and then.

I feel like level 1 a lot but being an LP to DS means I can't most of the time, though I don't really make any effort & look like shit but dressed if that makes sense. I was feeling more positove but now he's not sleeping again it's all coming undone & I keep daydreaming about my recent hospital stay and how nice it was to be able to sleep through every night, even if I found it hard to get to sleep at first.

If this carries on all the recent recovery/progress will be undone. He's nearly 3! I'm not even a soft touch but he still keeps waking at night.

Toddlers! confused wine

Agree that the levels thing is quite a good way of gauging it. It's hard to explain how siple things like keeping clean or thinking about what clothes you should wear can seem like too much sometimes (or all the time when you're at your worst). I'm a bath-a-day type whn i'm well but atm it's (disgustiongly) only about twice a week I manage it. I know it's a bit gross but I can barely do anything once DS is in bed...besides drool in front of the telly/laptop blush


Feckin phone hmm

brew to all.

SnowyMouse Fri 08-Nov-13 13:25:06

brew to you too

Can't wear my PJs all day as the elastics gone in 'em and so once I'm up and about, even a little bit, they get really annoying to wear.

Great technique to progress to a level 2? grin

SolidGold Fri 08-Nov-13 19:22:02

Orchard, I like the thought of a bath a day, but also can't be bothered, I shower twice a week hmm thank goodness for quick wash basin washes and dry shampoo before having to leave the house. I know it's disgusting, but it's all too much effort. I only iron dd's school shirts, everything else is hung on hangers, because I just can't be bothered. Sunday is my pj day. At the moment dh gets dd ready for school during the week and I get up late unless I have to be at work. Usually I work from 11, but on Saturday I have to be in at 9. hmm

I'm the same solid. I only have a bath so have to have a bath if I want a full wash. I'm not a stranger to a 'french bath' either...

Feeling really crap tonight. I'll get DS' sleeping sorted but it's torture whilst you're doing it and tbh, i'm sort of too ill to do it but can't go on like it is either, so figure I should ride it out and hope I don't have a massive back-track to where I was a few weeks ago.

I get fairly bad mother's guilt for not wanting to tend to DS 24/7 if that makes sense? Which doesn't help. I feel like you're not meant to admit to finding it really bloody hard or wishing it was bedtime already at 10am etc. Thank god for MN anyway, I know i'm not the only one at least. Still struggle with it a bit though.

Hope everyone else is ok. Scuse my waffling. I'm sort of in a limbo between having been discharged from the crisis team and waiting for psychotherapy/CBT and don't feel I can talk openly to family about it...

notagiraffe Fri 08-Nov-13 19:47:26

Do you want to talk to them Orchard? You don't have to. It's your business.

Maybe I should start another thread about this but I'm really fussing about meds. Put citalopram up by an extra 10mg last week because I felt so down and cr*p, but since then have eaten everything that isn't nailed down. I want to go back to previous dose. But can't face feeling so low again.

My problem is mainly depression with mild anxiety and paranoia. Would another SSRI work for this? One that doesn't put weight on? I've been on citalopram for about 5 years now and have put on two stone. sad

I don't like talking to them about how i'm feeling 100%. I often cover up the worst of it as they mean well & I know they want me better but they often say the wrong thing or freak out that i'm having a bad day/not improving and that in turn gets me all flustered and self-doubting. It's just easier not to always say. I wish therapy would hurry up though as it helps to talk to someone about it and be doing something to try and get better.

not - I'm on Mirtazipine, which you take at night (and it's a tad more sedative than other ADs, which makes it very good for anxiety). It's so much better than other ADs i've tried. I hated Citalopram but it works for some. Maybe ask to switch? Some seem to make anxiety worse or just have no effect on it. It's made me hungrier but that's more because I barely ate a thing when I was at my illest so it was because I was actually going back to normal. Hope you find somehting that works a little better anyway!

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 08-Nov-13 19:59:53

There is a wide range of ADs out there. And one problem till recently was middle-aged people who'd been on meds for a long time, and were missing out on better ones.

Physiological response to ADs seem to vary so much, so it's worth keeping trying till you find the right one for you.

SnowyMouse Fri 08-Nov-13 20:09:53

As far as the bathing goes, I showered once during my hospital stay, and didn't change clothes. I spent today making a list to aim at, e.g. get dressed, shower every other day, eat something at tea time. I know it sounds basic, but it's supposed to help you feel better.

Would making a list like that help anyone else? (or just add more pressure).

There are other meds not, why not ask if you can change?

I do 'to do' lists which help. You do feel like you acheived something, even if it's just to have a bath or cook dinner (and not the oven chips kind) grin

I was put off ADs for years after one bad experience and was then put on M' in hospital and it started helping with the anxiety really quickly, much to my surprise. I was so put off them I don't think I'd have been convinced to take anything if I wasn't already in hospital. Hope you feel better soon brew

Hi everyone,

notagiraffe from what I've read and experienced, increased appetite is a side-effect of lots of ADs, but for me, it was worse when I upped a dose, and then plateaued again - maybe give it another week?

orchard hi and sympathies re: the sleep thing. tbh I think soooo many mums have that counting down til bedtime thing - but not all will admit it! It is hard not to feel guilty, but I honestly believe that being a parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world. When I worked p/t in quite a demanding role, the days at home being a mum were by far the hardest.

hi spcgreat to hear you're enjoying spotify - it is good isn't it. I had a phase reminiscing with all my 80s tracks which was great fun.

snowy how's your day been - whatcha up to now?

juggling did you make it to level 2? I had forgotten all about the levels. Because I do the school run I have to get sort of level 3'ed but more often with greasy hair and no make-up.... I think its a good idea to have a level 1 day every now and then!

Well, not the best day. Napped on sofa and went up to bed at 2.20. Awful dreams all night where everything that could go wrong in a day did, and more. Napped after lunch which helped a bit, and a friend and DCs came round after school which was nice, but struggling to be sociable. dh out this evening - so actually haven't spent an evening with him all week! Feeling rather disheartened today that the worse of the negative thoughts are back with avengeance. Its exhausting constantly working hard to give the other perspective in my head...

Hope everyone's having a cosy and peaceful evening x

Thank you colouring. I know it's silly to beat myself up over it but it's easier said than done sometimes. I feel especially bad that I got so ill I couldn't look after us but I sort of cling to the fact that I sought the help and am still here and alive and getting better.

Hope you have nicer dreams tonight.

thank you flowers

You're completely right - you sought help. I wish my mum had. It's not silly though, it means you recognise it's important and want to do a good job... (I need to listen to my own advice wink)

SnowyMouse Fri 08-Nov-13 20:33:06

I'm watching tv, CiQ I'm looking forward to next week when I get satellite installed (relying on a rubbish portable aerial at the moment). It's nice to have something to look forward to.

Ooooh satellite sounds great! We just have freeview here.... I have gardeners world on which is not the most exciting, but good to MN too...

notagiraffe Fri 08-Nov-13 20:48:52

Orchard, it's so sad that there's still such a stigma and such ignorance about MH that we feel guilty when we get unwell. I wonder if you'd have felt guilty for being unable to care for your family if you'd had cancer or MS. It's not your fault. And you, we, do need time to get well during and after a bout of illness. The other thing that we are encouraged to ignore is how physical mental illness is. It makes you so physically ill. So drained and queasy and achey and lethargic. No surprise that it's hard to get started.

think I'll chat to doc about trying different medication. Citalopram helps mentally but the physical effects are frustrating. Sleeping for up to 16 hours a day, and getting fatter by the minute.

Sounds like a good plan not

And thanks. My family seem to accidently feed into the idea that I shouldn't have 'let' myself get ill/that I can't afford to be now I'm a mum. I just need to 'think positive' and stay strong (and all that sort of stuff that I already actually tried when I was sliding down the slope). It certainly makes you feel much worse.

The last few days i've been so tired and today I now feel like it's causing a back-track. I feel like I can't cope again but am trying to just get on with it. I had my BF over earlier and was playing normal but he could tell something wasn't right & kept asking if I was ok. I just don't want to tell my family when I feel like this. I don't feel it's worth calling the crisis team again though. They only just discharged me & it seems silly.

Hoping I sleep tonight anyway. DS's dad has him tomorrow overnight so I can sleep which might help.

wine to all!

(My mum said, when i came home from hospital, 'you're at a crossroads now. What you do from here will decide what happens to DS & if you spend your life as 'a mental patient'. You need to prove you can look after him'. Those words have certainly stuck with me since I've been home confused ).

kim147 Fri 08-Nov-13 21:22:45

Interesting. My Dad knows some stuff but I don't honestly thinks he has a real clue about my issues and how I feel and see myself. Nor does my sister. He thought "I just needed a kick up the butt" when I was really low last summer.

I am trying to get myself sorted. I made a massive life decision 4 years ago which was at the root of some of my issues. But my other main issue has been self esteem and self belief which was kicked out of me a long time ago and not helped by my life to date. I've fucked up several opportunities because I just did not believe in myself. It still holds me back and I have this voice in my head just telling me I'm not good enough.

I can relate to so much on here and it's good to know I'm not alone. I've got one RL friend who gets me as she is in a similar situation.

There is a stigma attached to MH. But it's so common.

PioneersAndPirateShips Fri 08-Nov-13 21:44:05

Thanks for all the support last night, feeling slightly better today as I finished a job that has been looming over me for weeks and I managed to cancel a couple of other things that were adding to my stress. I feel so tired though now, totally drained. Not sure if I will achieve anything over the weekend, but I'm just going to try to be a bit kinder to myself for the next couple of days and see how things go. If I carry on feeling so bad I will try and make an appointment with the gp, I always feel like I'm making such a fuss though.

PioneersAndPirateShips Fri 08-Nov-13 21:44:44

Sorry I meant to say, I hope everyone else has had a good day and something to look forward to over the weekend

Orchard - interesting where you said you don't like telling them (HCP's ?) how you're feeling 100% - just reminded me of when I saw a counsellor and how completely shocked she was that my young DS wasn't brushing his teeth every night - I had rather hoped she'd be more tolerant and understanding confused - and a bit more aware of the range of human behaviour [sceptical] (sometimes I just throw that raised eyebrow face in for variety!)

hmm there you go!

hi everyone
feeling rather rubbish tonight. Not sure what to do tbh. Had a major depression earlier this year and have been v gradually improving, had a good Sept but seem to be going downhill again. Dark thoughts, not engaging, dreaming of escaping. Sorry. It's demoralising. I feel that cos I'm aware of these thoughts I should be able to "Pull myself together". Don't have another drink. Don't be paranoid about what this mum thinks - its most likely something else... Do the mindfulness etc etc. But I don't so its my fault that I'm like this. I'm attention seeking (see I'm posting all this s**t here). I thought I was recovering but now I don't know what to think.

kim147 Fri 08-Nov-13 22:36:51

It's not your fault colouringinQueen. Getting started on stuff like mindfulness is hard and you need to be in the right frame to start it. I'm aware of my thoughts but have little control over them.

Are you on meds? I know how hard it is to stop those thoughts.

Yes I've been on fluoxetine and trazodone since Feb. Am better than I was then, but its a long time since Feb and after the initial improvement, improvement has been slow.

kim147 Fri 08-Nov-13 22:42:15

Nothing wrong with attention seeking. I do it a lot on here just so someone can acknowledge my feelings. At least on MN, someone listens and that's important.

At least on MN, someone listens - exactly.

Sorry to hear you feel so bad colour'

Just called my local crisis team to say I'm concerned about how bad i've felt the last few days & that i'm pretty distressed today & worried by the return of suicidal thoughts. I cried down the bloody phone blush

Was kind of fobbed off anyway.

Oh that's rubbish orchard. It does make me sad how little support there is for mental health problems.

Thanks kim you're right it does help to feel acknowledged.

God this stuff is so hard.

They said I could call them back if I feel worse but then what? More fobbing off? What could they actually do. I basically have a choice. Stick it out til therapy starts (3 weeks) or pack it all in. Or at least, that's how it feels. Sorry to sound melodramatic.

It is certainly hard thanks

I think it can be a bit random who you get on the phone with them. last person i spoke to was a lovely northern irish lady.. keep going. The thought that keeps me the safest is that my dad would be completely devastated if I did something. .. do you have someone that you could keep on mind?

DS. He's the only reason i sought help in the first place. He needs a mum. Nothing else actually works as a deterrent like he does.

But im struggling with looking after him and coping with looking after us. Im so drained and wired at the same time.

Nevermind. Not much i can do about it for now...

SolidGold Fri 08-Nov-13 23:50:40

So sorry so many of us are having a hard time hmm

I'm feeling very down again today. I have health anxiety and due to my age probably I'm having various health problems. Half a year ago my gynae recommended an exploratory camera examination. I am a wimp about pain (had a coil fitted 15 years ago and nearly passed out with the pain) but also don't want a GA , as I want to be conscious and not suffer for days/weeks afterwards recovering. Also worried about mrsa and all the other horror stories you hear about hospitals getting things wrong and would much rather not go anywhere near one!Tbh I'm also scared of what they might find. I know I'm sticking my head in the sand here. I've put it off since, but the problem is still happening and I think I really need to know what is causing it, so I've booked a drs appointment for next week. I'm not sure how to approach it, as it's a different gp and a new take on the problem would be good, rather than just telling her the history and asking her to refer me again. But I'm aware I'm being a coward and hoping I won't need the camera examination hmm also I find it extremely embarrassing to talk about gynae things hmm

I also suffer with IBS and after reading stuff on mn I'm wondering if I should have that looked into in more detail. I'm trying to control it with a strict diet, which works quite well until I start comfort eating. In the past I've just been fobbed off by the gp, telling me to eat more fibre and take tablets (which only made things worse).

It all feels hopeless and I think a visit to the gp is probably a waste of time. I don't go often, but I have issues with asking for any help and appearing weak, so when I do go I feel like they're thinking I'm a hmmhmmhmmhmm hmm

Also wondering if I should tell them I'm feeling down again, but it feels like a waste of time as I can't take ADs due to struggling with side effects and was unable to really explain to the counsellor last time what the problem is. I tend to say "oh, I'm fine" and he sort of seemed to think people should pull themselves together.

It all feels a bit much hmm

LEMisafucker Fri 08-Nov-13 23:59:46

sorry you are having a rough time CiQ, do you think this could be SAD? have you got a light box? do you think that would help? You have made amazing progress and I always look to you for motivation so know that you can pick up again, maybe you need to go with the flow for a bit? It will get better.

Sorry to hear you've got all that on your plate SG thanks

Managed to get 3hrs sleep but am now in charge of a wide awake, very hyper 3 year old. Feeling a little better than last night but still pretty bad. I need to take it one day at a time though and stop obsessing worrying about the future. Especially worrying about finding a job or how lonely I feel.

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 09-Nov-13 11:27:44

SG make a list of the ADs you've been on and what the side effects were. This might help your GP to find a better one for you.

Re: baths and showers <mode: old gimmer> I was brought up in the 50's, hot water was from an electic immersion tank, and baths were once a week. Showers - what were they? We had a wash each night and morning. DM changed beds each week - week 1 sheets top to bottom week 2 fresh sheets. (Duvets - what were they?)

When I moved to the NE and into an old miners' cottage, a neighbour could still remember when all water had to be fetched from a standpipe! With no proper bath in the house, I kept clean with proper head to foot flannel wash downs, supplemented by the occasional 2 hour bath in college.

I think it may be an Asperger's thread to not like baths and showers much - certainly even at my best (which is pretty good these days) I still have to make myself have a bath or shower.

So don't worry too much, (provided you don't smell hmm ) and think of the money you're saving...

Luckily my hair is stupidly thick and looks fine til about day 5 after washing, and dry shampoo makes it 6 at a stretch. If i notice i properly smell then i force myself to have a bath but am leaving it as long as possible lately. It's just such a faff. My hair is all wild and curly so needs straightening once dry but i just can't be arsed half the time.

Making myself go out this afternoon with DP which hopefully will help. Want to stay in really though. Hope everyone else is having a nice Saturday.

SnowyMouse Sat 09-Nov-13 12:40:02

((( all, particularly those struggling )))

I feel very tired, trying not to have a nap.

hoochymama1 Sat 09-Nov-13 14:06:10

Hello my lovelies smile

Much love to those finding it hard. Be kind, give yourself treats grin Just get through.
Me, I love a good bubble bath, chocolate (all to myself, no sharing) and a trashy novel.
What really helps is outside for a walk, usually the last thing I want to do...

((( CiQ )))

Friends round tomorrow and I'm really dreading it. So scared about silly stuff. Just brew and cake shouldn't be hard. But....

<<whispers>>wakey, wakey lovely Snowy...How are you feeling today?

notagiraffe Sat 09-Nov-13 15:03:04

Hi everyone,

replying to colouring just because of some of the issues she raised, but obv to everyone else too. I agree you definitely musn't mentally say anything like 'pull yourself together' because that has the double whammy of treating yourself as though you are somehow to blame and treating the illness as though it's optional (my mum said she thought I'd chosen to indulge in it. Which was nice. hmm )

But... I don't think that's the same as reminding ourselves how to be kind and healthy as possible. So saying no to wine is a good idea, just as saying no to a fry up is a good idea for someone who's had a heart surgery. All those small things that we know help or hinder - we can try, when we're up to it, to keep them going as long as possible.

I get very low at this time of year, so recently have been trying to spend 1-2 hours outside first thing in the morning. Easier said than done, I know, because there are loads of days when it's barely possible to get out of bed let alone dressed and out the front door. But when I do manage, the exercise and sunlight helps massively.

I'm overweight and not fit but have been doing as much exercise as possible mainly because it seems to help. If there's any chance you can face this - even if it's just starting by having a cup of tea or coffee outside, wrapped up in a blanket, it might help a little. And lots of tiny things that help can add up to take that final lump of pressure off - the one where you totally give in to it. That's the one I try to avoid.

DumDum32 Sat 09-Nov-13 19:26:37

Hello all im still at level 1 but progressing to level 2 as i did get up to have a shower today & put on fresh pj's!

<<<<<Big hugs to all that need it like me>>>>

Hello <waves>

Can I join? I don't have a diagnosis or anything, but I tend to have real up and down moods, am quite hard on myself and generally think there's "something" going on with me MH wise, but am a bit scared to go to the GP. I was bullied all through secondary school (am now 23) so think a lot of it is to do with that - I was thinking lots of bad thoughts through those years sad

Lost my granddad (who was my father figure too) 6 weeks ago, which hasn't been easy.

Anyway, yesterday I started tracking my mood on Mood Panda. I can at least see if there's a pattern to it all then.

SnowyMouse Sat 09-Nov-13 19:39:37

I'm low hoochy, but thanks for asking. Good luck with getting up and out, not.

I'm level 2.

Welcome Lollipop

solid sorry to hear you're having a tough time. Health anxiety sounds very hard. Hope you're surviving today.

giraffe thanks so much for your thoughts. Makes a lot of sense. I have to say I am really struggling to say no to the wine. Yr mums comment makes my blood boil on yr behalf.

lem thank you for your lovely words. The SAD thing rings bells. I think I have often been worse in the winter. I am fed up of ending up down again.

Like notagiraffe and hoochy I have been trying to get out for a walk when its not raining and it does help a bit.

Hi snowy am trying to work out what to watch tonight. Currently 2012 which I sadly quite like, but have seen before. ..

Hello to everyone else and sorry not to respond better x

Hi lollipop so sorry to hear about your grandad.

notagiraffe I still do feel a bit like how o am at the moment is partly my fault. But am also trying to bear lems go with the flow advice which feels comforting.

notagiraffe Sat 09-Nov-13 20:34:47

It's so invasive, that feeling of guilt, isn't it. But Colouring it's not your fault. Even if it were triggered by binge drinking or taking drugs, having MH problems afterwards would not be someone's fault as it doesn't happen to everyone who parties hard in life. You either have a sensitivity in the area of MH or you don't. And no one chooses to.

Seriously it's taken me decades to stop thinking I could and should snap out of it. I feel guilty most days for not getting as much done as other people do, but try to counter that with a big loud voice that says: you're doing OK, take note of what you do do. Like the person up thread who felt guilty because she didn't interact much with her child beyond cuddles. Well aren't cuddles the best interaction going. And maybe cereal or oven chips every night isn't ideal, but if no one starves, it's not worth feeling guilty about.

LEMisafucker Sat 09-Nov-13 20:51:19

Lollipop - i am very sorry to hear about your granddad - do feel free to tell us about him if you want to. I was bullied at school too, it affected my self esteem terribly, it still does i think (and im 43!). Maybe you could get some counselling to help you with that? You don't need a diagnosis to be on this thread, you just have to need some support or somewhere to talk about things and feel comforted. Your GP would be a good place to start when looking for counselling referral, but you can self refer.

I have had a really bad day today - partly from being tired after helping to run the wine and wisdom last night (Was a behind the scenes nightmare! but we made like swans and were graceful on the surface!). Then i got embroiled in a thread this morning where people were basically saying that overweight models shouldnt be in shops as it was "normalising" fatness hmm it all got very personal and i honestly felt/ feel like i should hide myself away sad Haven't felt like that for a while, totally disengaged from the family, or tried to, i thought if i had a bath i could get five minutes, so i ran the bath and went and lie on the bed, two minutes later DP comes up for a cuddle then DD follows, followed by two dogs!! I felt like screaming at them to fuck off and leave me alone - then i just pretended to be asleep on the sofa, didn't take my mums dog out so she probably has the hump. Its all trivial stuff, but its not been a good day. Tomorrow is a new one though.

Sorry if i am not replying to everyone, the thread is moving quickly and i think thats brilliant, i just haven't had time to really read through and feeling a bit ropey, but all newcomers really welcome - i find reading about other peoples perspectives really useful.

Hows the puppy Vicar? and Ed? how is school?

notagiraffe yep I definately have a sensitivity - as does one of my brothers who's also suffering from depression, as my mum has done from most of her life.

lem (((hugs))) that thread sounds rubbish. I know exactly what you mean about wanting peace and quiet - it is ok to want it and to get it.

((hugs to all struggling))

I keep getting that sense of everything being 'unreal' or like you're watching a movie of your life etc. It usually happens when i'm anxious as a weird way of coping as it numbs you a lot but it doesn't usualy last more than a moment, whereas now it's most of the day. I find it really uncomcfortable though, as it means I don't really feel much so when DS or DP hugs me, it just feels strange.

I'm not the only one am I?

Last night was horrible. I felt really anxious before bed and my chest hurt & I had to concentrate really hard to not have a panic attack. I could feel my heart thudding away even though I was lying still. Eventually got to sleep but then had horrible dreams that I kept drifting in and out of but not enough to fully wake up and shake it off. Haven't had a night like that in almost a month sad Ah well brew

LEMisafucker Mon 11-Nov-13 09:14:52

i'll join you in the cuppa Orchardkeeper - very apt name for the village, that can be your job wink I have always have very vivid dreams, even more so on ADs. I also find them hard to leave behind during the day so poor DP suffers if they put me in a bad mood.

Thanks smile brew

I know the medication has made them more vivid/colourful but I haven't really had any bad dreams yet. I feel uncomfortably numb. I know it's my brains way of dealing with the stress/anxiety but it's horrible all the same. Nevermind.

(Hope you didn't have too bad a night yourself).

(P.S It used to be easier to cope with/come out of when I wasn't looking after a toddler full time. I think that's certainly playing a part! Poor DS!).

In all honesty, I feel like I came out of hospital too fast because I felt I had to get back to DS and am actually still a slight suicide risk. But I don't want DS taken off me or to have to break it to my family so I'm just plodding along.

(My mum looked after DS when I was in hospital a few weeks ago but she's got a big operation coming up this month so she'll be incapacitated anyway. Ds's dad could have him at a push. I just don't know what to do. The crisis team were shit when I called the other day really so I don't feel I can call them).

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 11-Nov-13 09:49:12

Orchard that weird feeling is called dissociation - your mind separating itself from your body, as you say it is the mind trying to protect itself. I would say focus on DS atm and let everything else go hang. Plus my usual suggestion of watching some kids TV with him, sometimes the stories can be quite appropriate in a metaphorical way! (Although not Peppa Pig - I watched it the other day and was v disappointed blush )

Thanks silvery

I was told what it is a few years back but it usually passes much quicker.

I keep deciding to go to the GP, as i'm only given 2 weeks of medication at a time due to my overdosing history & he said if I worsen at all to contact him. But then I keep changing my mind.

I never know how 'bad' people mean when they say bad. I've been feeling like this all week really. Bah. I just don't know. They must be sick of the sight of me anyway!

I feel like a shit mum atm because I don't feel like I can cope with DS. I just want to curl up under the duvet and sleep for the forseable future.

I feel like I've been discharged from the community MH team and am back to being an LP to DS with no support whilst i'm still fairly ill & waiting for this elusive therapy... hmm

And the crisis team don't want to know really, unless you're actually suicidal. I'm back to being really isolated with no support, which was partly the cause anyway. I'm jobhunting but it'll take a while and I'm not sure i'll hold in there til then really.

Scuse the rant. Just had enough.

DumDum32 Mon 11-Nov-13 11:14:17

Oh orchard <<<big hugs>>> sounds horrible.

Sorry No advise apart from ring ur MH team...they shold be there to help but i understand its sometimes like drawing blood out of stone!!!

Im still in bed waiting for DD to go nursery so that i can get up & have a much needed shower sad

SnowyMouse Mon 11-Nov-13 12:44:11

((((( orchard and all ))))) Take care.

hoochymama1 Mon 11-Nov-13 16:27:04

Much love, Orchard keep on at the MH team, creaky doors always get the oil. Like Silvery said, manys the time I just lay on the sofa, with kids tv on and let the toddlers play around me. Though, unlike the soothsayer, I don't have a current working knowledge of peppa pigs antics grin

notagiraffe Mon 11-Nov-13 16:39:39

Hi Orchard,
((((())))) to you. Come and get as much support as you need on here. And take life as gently as you can for you and DC. Lots of telly under the duvet and very easy food.
Is there any Home Start service near you? If there is, you could try them and see if someone could drop in once or twice a week to help with cleaning and laundry and to have a chat.

Peppa Pig must have gone down hill since my day. When I had PND it was one of the few things that was bearable to watch.

(((((*Orchard*))))) I think you're right that you've come out of hospital, still very fragile, and not well - and you have no support. Please do contact your MH team, or your GP again and say how hard you're finding it as a LP... Do you have any friends that could help with your DS? I sometimes find having a playmate round actually makes things easier as they go off and play (sorry can't remember your DS' age) or vice versa. Thinking of you.

snowy what have you been up to today. Hope you've survived despite it being so wet and rainy.

dumdum hope your day's been ok.

sending fond thoughts to everyone at the end of this rainy day.

Just sneaking in.

I'm just going to hour earlier than last night confused.

And I have a nasty chesty cough. I end up breathless if I talk for more than 5 mins.

I had a good week last week. ..struggling big style this week. I could be back to a full resident of the village by the weekend if I don't fix myself.

I'm a perfectionist....tweak my lessons to far....I HAVE....GOT...TO...STOP...

hoochymama1 Tue 12-Nov-13 08:27:34

Ed much love to you, take it from an old lag, as far as teaching prep is concerned- good enough is good is much better for you to get relaxing and sleeping more. You'll be fresher in the morning, and enjoy teaching. You will never get it perfect, so don't even try.. You know all this, but let yourself off the hook, your doing really well. I'm proud of you, but your health comes first.

Darling, should you be going in if your chest is bad..

Hope everyone has a good day today, lots of brew and cake and ((())) to those of us struggling..

3asAbird Tue 12-Nov-13 09:47:41

Morning been reading this thread for a while and hope everyone feels better soon.

I keep saying one day a time some days quite good then out the blue im terrible down, panicy, tearful sort of comes from no where.

I wish I knew what was wrong been under lot of stress latly.

have 3 kids and hubby who works long hours.

no family here or close friends.

started getting panicy around crowds of people.

morning school run stresses me out.

Not sleeping just over month ago went to gp to try and explain

in uni I was on venlafxine it was hell, this had made me reluctant to go on anti ds.

Im not sure if its just anxiety or if im depressed too
dont think could be pnd as youngest is 2.5

hubbys trying be bit more supportive as I cant afford to fall apart.

been avoiding going out too much other than neccesry.

I thought if just got some sleep day would be better.

he gave me 28days zopliclone and number for lifts course.

Yesterday went back different doctor who gave me temazapam as was on that in uni and was fine. again got lecture how anti ds re not as bad as I think and venlafaxie would be last resort and kind of shocked i was on that and never tried anything else.

so another 28days. took some last night dident wake and feel bit groggy this morning.

does anyone know if taking a benzo at night helps them feel calmer next day?

I havent told the gp or anyone about recent episodes binging and purging

Im trying to avoid having sweet stuff in the house and telling myself im in control.

On the outside im still giving the impression every things just fine

Although forgotton few school things and feel like rubbish mum.

Avoiding hv easy to do with no 3 hardly saw her.
saw her few weeks ago but nothing indepth havent found her very helpful with no 3 and he seems to stress/worry me the most.

Had hair done last week in effort cheer me up and thinking some pampering some rare me time might help but with 2 under 5s trashing the house, washing machines broke, landlords due round this week my positivity is waning.

Have the dentist thursday which scares me.

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 12-Nov-13 09:57:11

3 have a [hug] and a brew - you have a lot on your plate. You are already doing one day at a time - now do one thing at a time, if you can.

Stick with the meds - lack of sleep makes everything worse. If possible, agree with DH on specific things that are his to do, if you can get things out of your brain it should help.

And you are not a rubbish mum!

LittleMissGerardPoppyButler Tue 12-Nov-13 10:02:04

Hi everyone can I join in?

I apologise for not reading through all the thread, will try to later when I have more time.

I have had OCD for over 25 years, and suffer from anxiety and depression too.

My anxiety is bad at the moment and its making me ill. I have been prescribed citalopram but my anxiety is stopping me taking them, I'm worried about the side effects. Typical isn't it, the thing the tablets are meant to help is the thing stopping me taking them!

I'm fed up of anxiety ruling me sad
Hope everyone is feeling ok today thanks

3asAbird Tue 12-Nov-13 10:27:55

Thanks im am feeling very stressed

It started with hubby losing his job in the summer.

well 4 weeks suspension, 3 weeks unemployed he was home for 7 weeks.

we told no family and freinds.

hes got new job but hours and pay not as good

The stress of money and trying to navigate a shite benefit system.

The summer I was holding it together trying be positive support hubby as he was down, had lost weight, not sleeping.

But it was summer and we got out as much as we could national trusts, parks ect.

Then he had 4 weeks training and every weekend off still but coudent help with the school runs.

now until xmas hes working 6 days weeks cant do school pickups or after school clubs

my worries are


2.5year old not speaking finally on wait list for speech therapy but feel people judge me over it.

2.5year old has appointment at dental hospital next month feel crap and scared over that.

4year old is bored, temper tantrums preschool can only give her 1 day and neither of them are sleeping through the night.

4year old probably wont get a school place at eldests school have missed most of open days application needs to be in jan, have o idea how could do 2schools

House is crap agents and landlord useless. we outgrown it feels like constant mess.

7year olds just cheeky pushing boundries and has hectic schedule.

winter terms always worst as 1.2mile walk weathers worse, gets dark early, younger 2whinging and so many events to keep track of.

I feel constantly tired all the time, suffocated as never get time away from kids. They play up at meals and bedtime.

I thourght maybe if just get some sleep everything would improve.

but been feeling like this for 2months now.

me and hubby have had rows about lack sex life fat i just want to go bed early and be alone.

We stopped rowing about mess and told him i can only do what i can do some days get energy boots other days its struggle just to do the basics they really are very messy kids.Hes trying to be understanding and says he cant afford for me to fall apart.

i have scaled back my commitments this academi year so no commitees and did mean to join a toddler group as hv thinks be good for ds3 but cant face it.

I need to serious tidy and lean today as landlord due round tommorow.
so washing machine man been laundry hell as drier broke then 2days after buying 2drier washing machine went.

might old off on toddler groups until new year.
might buy a 2nd had double buggy make school runs easier

enrolled dd1 brekkie club 4days a week so hubby can drop her off as 4 less school runs a week.

Im hoping the temazapam be better than the zopi as was waking in night and still feel shattered but gps worry about tranquiliser addiction shes only given me 10mg but guess be better than 3.75 mg zopi blooming 8quid prescriptions costing me forttune and they wont put on repeat.

feels better to get it all down as feeling over whelemed.

Hubby would be disgusted about the being sick but gives me floaty feeling of calm and helps me destress when im at my worst. I know I need to be strong I stopped before.

I dont remember much about final year uni when was on anti ds i was very withdrawn, self harming, underweight, being sick loads. almost suicidal i actually think the venlafaxine made things worse and withdrawing was terrible remember that.

So for last 10years been on no medication up until now so hopefully gps dont think im a prescription junkie.

As was so long ago they dont have 2002 notes on computer guess its on paper file somewhere.

My weights ok, neither gp has asked about food.

not sure what to do at end of 28days.

would be good if benzos could make the days bit more bearable.

Family live away, few freinds I have busy with their own lives, no good local freinds.

Mil crazy manipulative and insists hubby goes round all the time so she consumes alot of his time when hes not working I always feels like bottom of the pile.

At school/preschool i make effort to speak to people.
My fb-you would never know anythings wrong

The secrets and lies last few months about hubbys work have been awquard.

so im in position where its very easy to hide my problems.

Im just hoping it will pass and I wont slip further.

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 12-Nov-13 12:42:38

3 that's a lot to have to deal with. But let go of the stuff you have dealt with - DH has got a job, you did negotiate the benefits system, you sorted brekkie club and got washing machine man out.

The MIL thing sounds awful. As does the housing situation.

Don't think about what happens after 28 days. Get through them, give the meds a chance.

LittleMiss you can just pick things up here as you go along. Lots here have been on citolopram, including vicar who started these threads. Side effects at the start can be horrid (but may not happen for you, and do seem to wear off) however it does seem to be v effective when it suits the person taking it.

LEMisafucker Tue 12-Nov-13 13:29:19

Bloody Hell 3 I am exhausted just reading your post! I am pretty stressed today too so finding it hard to keep up with posts. A few things from your post. (Have you posted about your DH job before under a different name?) Only i seem to remember bits and pieces - then again so many folk struggling with jobs/money these days!

If you want any advice over money things, i may be able to help, been through it all with creditors etc and survived (well, just about grin)

Regarding the ADs, things are slightly different now and whilst i think venlaflaxine is still used (isn't our lovely Vicar on those ones?) there are other ADs which may suit you better - may be worth some research - I take citalopram, mild side effects for me at the start, but they work and now no side effects, others have had a shite time on those though, its all a matter of finding the right one. As you say though, you know your history and what suits you and what doesn't.

My DD had speech delay, she did go to speech therapy, i don't know if it made any difference - I do know she doesn't stop talking now!! I know you have probably heard that many times. i think she was 3 and at nursery before she spoke, as for judgey pants, fuck em - i wont pretend people don't judge, because they do but i did everything i was supposed to do with DD, and in the end she spoke when she was ready. Thankfully most people don't judge though, those that do, well they aren't really worth bothering about. I found the speech therapy sessions really helpful in terms of showing me what i could do to help and DD loved it, it was just like mother and toddler group with a small group of other children and it was fun. They played games that involved taking turns, blowing bubbles, no real emphasis on speaking actually, some sign language which i thought was brilliant.

My mother sounds like your MIL - your DH is going to have to grow a pair and stand up to her, easier said than done, when he has finished with his pair he can send it round to me for my mother!

The mess in the house - if you want to tidy do, if not don't, so long as your food prep area is clean and the toilet, everthing else can go whistle! I find that if my living room is a bombsite it stresses me but sometimes that is all i do, get that little bit of space clear (don;t look on the sides/sofa or behind the TV though!) but clutter does make me stressed - one day i'll sort it! Don't give yourself extra pressure - i find that i i have jobs that really need done, i do them when i don't have much time to do them otherwise i can make doing the washing up last all day as i get so distracted by my anxiety.

Your DH is putting too much pressure on you - if he can't afford for you to fall apart then he needs to support you more - anyone would be struggling with that amount of balls to juggle, he gets to go to work and that is his only ball until he comes home. He is realy getting the easier end of the bargain here.

Phew - that was a bit epic, i hope some of that helps smile

notagiraffe Tue 12-Nov-13 15:18:21

3, the life you describe would wear anyone down, let alone someone with depression. You are doing better than you think - sorting out the dryer, holding it together while your DH works long hours.

He really needs to be right at your side when he can. No MIL right now. You and the DC need to come first.

Is there anyone at DD1s school you trust enough to ask them to help with school applications. It really does sound as though you need DC2 and DD1 to be at the same school for practical reasons. Is there no sibling policy?

If you get form-blindness when stressed (pretty common) can you ask someone to help you go through the school application form? What I'm trying to say is: reach out and ask for help, very directly, on specific things. Just say: I'm very unwell right now and can't manage school applications as the medication I'm on makes me very dopey (no need to tell anyone what it is unless you want to.) See if someone might help. Some one from a local church, if no one on the MH team or anyone close to you can help.

Try and get other people on board to help sort out the big stuff. You focus on getting yourself well - getting the right meds etc, and in getting through each day with DC. That's plenty for now.

was readmitted yesterday. Wasn't expecting that when i went to the doctors!

3asAbird Tue 12-Nov-13 17:52:52

Thank you everyone for kind words

sorry dident realise until pressed enter how epic it was,

As I said to the gp my worries are genuine worries not imaginary ones and there are many guess with 3kids always be worrying about one of them at some point.

I have realised im slipping and

got some medication-but worried if that works then they wont give me any more.

Trying to make things bit easier even though costs money so

dd2 age 4staying in nursery until preschool come up with free day.

may put dd3 somewhere after xmas

Possibly for next 2terms when weathers bad will use breckfast club4/5days as hubby can drop her off on way to work.

Have aquantances at school who nice enough but would hte to ask someone to pick her up. Have sussed out who the childminders are for future reference.

We live out of catchment as had to move eldest at start of year 2 shes year 3 now and our lovely council have local siblings and non local siblings which makes dd2s chances very slim cant afford to move closer by jan 15th,

Have no issues filling out form its whats the 2nd and 3rd choice I only want 1 school.

Wish we could move bigger house.
We live in nice area but its suburabn hell full of cliques dont feel like met many could be freinds with.I used to be so sociable pre kids.

I kind of lost the plot in 2002 so scared of going bak there.

last 10years had maybe 3-4 short periods of depression where soug no treatment just passed.

Dont know apart from eating whats wrong with me this time round .I hate the panic attacks and lack of sleep.

I go between eating nothing and binging.

Im hoping maybe get christmas out the way the fog will lift.

Its easy to put on show as never with anyone long enough in the day for anyone to notice im not quite right.

I feel better alone and enjoying my own company.

Hv has no idea but says go toddler groups.

hopefully washing machine be fixed tomorow and landlord finally fix a few things.

right best go brownie run now and maybe chippy for kids tea.

Orchard-so sorry you poorly again and in hospital and hope you get the support you need going forward.
You put my worries into perspective.

My eyes are very tired and weary through lack of sleep.

I've seen venlafaxine mentioned. Thats what I'm on. Its turned me around, where fluoxetine wasn't doing the trick.

Happy to answer any questions.

3as hello. Reading through your posts to me it sounds like you're achieving loads despite a v tough situation. I'm assuming you've spoken to the school re your situation and got their advice.

What medication have you been prescribed? I know from my own experience it can be very daunting starting ADs even if you've had them before. If they work that's good, they wouldn't just stop them like that, usu people are on them for 6 months after they've got their heads back above water.

Can you afford for some treats for you eg a massage, or even a long peaceful candle-lit bath - anything you enjoy that helps you to relax?

I echo hoochy's advice about reaching out for help. I never did, but when I started to it made a big difference and people were happy to help. You dont have to be specific - you can just say im really not very well at the moment.

Take care.

Hi to everyone else. Hope you're hanging in there and had some sun today. My counsellor cancelled me which felt weird, ended up splurging on a friend I met with instead (hope that was ok!) Off later to a school meeting - exciting - not.

SnowyMouse Tue 12-Nov-13 19:09:45

Just popping in to say thinking of you all.

3asAbird Tue 12-Nov-13 19:46:21

Thanks colouring queen trying to get through each day and ensure each childs where they meant to be on time, well cared for and fed just about managing that but was 20mins late monday am.

Its the 2 younger ones if they play up enroute or we leave slightly late we doomed.

School have no idea. we pay £2 a day breckfast club so just asked if she could do 4days a week this term and they had spare places.
They know hubbys got new job thats about it.

They have no control over admisions so cant help there.

Have spoken to childminders as only way can logisticaly do 2schools.

The last month been piles of washing everywhere.

Think landlord coming look at fire, shed and garden gate so will make sure hoovered and any clutter n cupboard and run round withe air freshener and hoping man can fix my washing machine.

well managed brownie run and shops in dark with 2 kiddies they had chips and hubbys picking up eldest from brownies.

I washed up and hoovered downstairs.
made all the beds
school run takes hour each noramally fine unless they tired, its very ol or its raining hnece why think need double and better coat for me.

Need to inform nursery she will be staying for time being as gives me a slight break.

applied tax credits nearly 8weeks ago they not paid.
Its great hubbys working again and can understand why he does not wnat people to know. hes got his appeal with old employer next week as week as well as taking hims mum to dentist on his only day off.

my little boy keeps kissing and cuddling me which cheers me up.

Im ok if all 3 dont kick off at same time .

i do intend to meet up with couple freinds for drinks when next can .

Our 9year wedding anniversary end of october was dire we havent been out as couple in so long.

Im still stressy on rds since sept when speeding mum from another school nearly mowed down my 4year old at school crossing.

I was on zopliclone for sleep got couple left.

got temazapam yesterday as been on it before and thinking be more effective.

Im resisting anti ds.edwinas revenge greats its working for you.

its only anti d i was on in quite high dose and changed me did some silly things, used to get memory loss and even more down on it.
I used the temazapam as downer in uni as feltrelly odd and restless on venlafaxine.Then when i tried to come off it got the shakes really bad withdrawal. But my gp back then was not the best and handed out drugs like they smarties.

New gps seem funny about sleeping pills and are limiting prescriptions.
They also say i could talk , havent got the time, not sure im ready.
I know anti ds are an option and there are others just feel weary.

I need to function and still be me,Im not sure pills will help with the eating issues.

So much harder being ill with family least back then only persons life I could screw up was my own.

I dont know how realistic im being or if things will improve I know its stress related and trying minimise stress and keep drugs and booze to min..

Might have soak in bath tonight as joined the princessing tread on beauty.I thourght having hair done other week might give me a boost but not keen on it

I've had a couple of better days - hit the target my boss set me at work today, which was a big tick in the "good things" box as I've been so worried about my job performance.

Now looking at nice ice skating clothes - I feel so relaxed and free when I skate <happy sigh> Roll on tomorrow night - Christmas skating show rehearsal smile

LEMisafucker Wed 13-Nov-13 11:14:11

Struggling finding it hard to function cant do this any more its my mother again I don't know why I let her get to me. I let everyone down in the end.

notagiraffe Wed 13-Nov-13 11:14:34

Hey Orchard, how are you?
Are you OK about being admitted? Are you getting the help you need? Has someone sorted care for your DC?

Just wanted you to know, you're in my thoughts. Hope you can get some rest and some peace for a while. (((())))

lem ((())) can you get out for a walk in the sun, smash something old and eat cake anything to get some headspace and get frustrations out?

Hi everyone, especially orchard and snowy and anyone else who's struggling today.

I am having a walking through treacle day, headache, nausea, did drag myself off the sofa to go for a walk and it felt like I was climbing a mountain... back to sofa. Have been busy last two evenings, but also starting to see a hormonal link - pretty sure I've been like this before mid-month. Not sure if there's anything much I can do about it tho!

DumDum32 Wed 13-Nov-13 12:30:24

Not doing great had a bad night now really struggling to get through the day. Think i should go in but sont want to either..... Such a mess! Hallucinations, bad thoughts, bad memories!

(((hugs to all struggling)))

(( Friendly hugs appreciated, and for you all too))

Hey LEM, what has your Mum been saying that's "got to you"?
I've found my slightly tricky parents getting even more tricky as they get older. I wondered from what you said about letting people down if your DM is a bit judgemental - ideally parents should try to show more unconditional love and support I feel.

LEMisafucker Wed 13-Nov-13 14:10:02

Thanks everyone - have had minor melt-down, poor DP had to pick up the pieces, had a letter from a creditor over an old debt, managed to get it put onto our existing debt management plan so hoping that will be ok, the woman i spoke to was actually really nice and because of my MH issues it has been put through to a different department, I broke down beause it was debts that precipitated my breakdown before and ths was one that seemed to have been overlooked somehow, although it appears I have been making payments hmm DP didn't really know what to do bless him, he threatened to call an ambulance at one point but i really cannot afford an admission as there would be no one to care for DD2 when DP at work. To be honest though, i am not at that point. Just a bad day - my mum is an ongoing problem juggling i have started anotehr thread about it, she is very difficult but it just seems to press all my buttons, i am never quite good enough, ever. So the letter properly tipped me over the edge again. Now i have started to do a fecking soup for dinner and forgot about it - this is what i keep doing, forgetting about things sad DP wants me to go back to the doctors. Somehow managed to type out minutes from PFA meeting - i hope i haven't made any howlers! Still have to take my mums dog out

Hugs to everyone, need a huge group hug actually, especially to Orchard and Snowy xx

I think our parents generation are more prone to rather conditional love aren't they? Whereas with my own DC I feel my love for them is much more un-conditional. Though I'm proud when they paint a beautiful picture or I watch dd doing her Irish dancing mostly I just love them for being them, and because I'm their Mum. Also I hope I do take more of an interest in what is going on for them, and their interests, whereas with my parents it always seems to be more about listening to them talk about their lives and friends etc. and we have to fit into their life not them into ours.
Anyone else know what I'm talking about ?!
Anyway sorry you're having a bad day LEM x Soup sounds good - is it OK ?

Hi juggling hope your day's going ok.

Hi dumdum sorry to hear you're having a bad day. What did you do about going in?

lem you are so not alone with the forgetting things. I help with some children's stuff at church. At the last meeting in oct we set a date for the next meeting. I didn't put it in my diary so had others reminding me - but by then I had double-booked myself. And then the first session that the first meeting was planning was this week and I only just remembered at 4 cos dh had left me a message about it. I think our brains are trying to do too much at the same time really. Any chance you can put some distance between you and your mum?

I'm feeling pretty spaced today. Maybe I just don't have enough to do? But everythings hard with this treacly feeling! Have to drag myself up to get dcs....

take care all x

Thanks ColouringIn - at least going to pick up the DC gets you up and out doesn't it, and that usually helps I think. Then I think I probably needed that bit of rest in the day in some ways smile

DumDum32 Wed 13-Nov-13 15:49:06

thanks colouring.

just spoken to crisis team & u know hw d rest goes.... just waiting to hear back from them sad

SnowyMouse Wed 13-Nov-13 16:02:54

Thanks for all the hugs, much appreciated and reciprocal in kind.

LEMisafucker Wed 13-Nov-13 16:32:02

Hang in there dumdum, i hope you get the help you need today.

So bloody tired, willing away the time til DP comes home, DD doing her homework then she will need occupying. Bloody fucking anxiety

dumdum hang in there x

lem sympathies re the counting down. My dcs are watching tv... I was counting down til dh gets home but his parents have locked themselves out so he now has to go over there - will be out an hour and half angry

I am going downhill this pm. Is it the anxiety? - v tense agitated just want to run for the hills/hide under the duvet with a load of alcohol hmm

LEMisafucker Wed 13-Nov-13 17:29:30

maybe theres something in the air CiQ, we all seem to be having a rubbish day today.

Can you thnk of anything that has triggered this particularly CiQ? Can you think of anything that you could do tomorrow, for you - to make yourself feel nice for a bit? Trip to coffee shop with a book? Do some craft? Long hot bath? Am voting for a nice walk along the beach with my dogs tomorrow

Seriously lem!

Its dds birthday at the weekend but everything bar the cake is done and im not worried about doing that (I don't think!). Got out for an hour walk in the sun this morn which usually makes a big diff, but not today. Been spaced out all day really and avoiding social situations.

Continue to struggle with dh who last might was much less confident about his new business and challenged me as to whether I think it will be successful - I said yes, but it will prob take longer than you thought. But the reality is I'm not sure. The presentation he did last week to a group of orgs did not go down v well, despite him being v excited about it and using lots of new ideas from all the books he's been reading. ..

Agitation... having to do breathing techniques in order to be in same room as dcs.

College tomorrow so hopefully I'll feel a bit better and get a good painting done.

LEMisafucker Wed 13-Nov-13 17:53:12

Must be lovely to be able to paint/draw - i can on occasion draw but not very well. I keep meaning to start a knitting project - DD wants a chihuahua, i can stretch to a knitted one, i keep THINKING about doing it but not getting round to it.

((hugs to all))

They've upped my ads again and am coming home Friday. Will get more support looking for voluntary work and housing when im out. DSs dad has him atm. Thanks for all hugs x

LEMisafucker Wed 13-Nov-13 18:02:03

Get some rest in the meantime orchard ((hugs)) & cake

About whether there's something in the air - maybe it's the time of year? I was feeling it's a bit chilly today and feeling a bit daunted by the prospect of the winter ahead. Have been OK about autumn up to now and recently had a nice half-term hol up in London (mostly) So, I suppose it's good I've not noticed autumn creeping on into winter until now. Sorry if sharing these thoughts doesn't help! Love to all x

LEMisafucker Wed 13-Nov-13 18:51:13

It does help - i don't like being cold, waiting for DP to sweep chimney so we can have log burner on, can only afford an hour a day of heating sad brrrrrrr

Oh, will be nice to get a log burner on LEM - I'd love to get one of those (should be possible as we have two chimneys/ fireplaces)
Sorry you're cold ATM


Lovely to hear from you orchard glad you have better plans in place.

Thanks lem yes it is lovely to be able to draw.

Ended up ringing Samaritans as big panic attack that I couldn't get under control, dh came home had to go straight out to parents who locked themselves out, so I have to get kids to bed. But agitation was overwhelming and struggling to breathe. Bit calmer now tho chest still tight. Knackered. Have to do bedtime and stories then I can stop. Haven't had a panic attack in months si bit gutted. But there we go.

Love to all

LEMisafucker Wed 13-Nov-13 19:36:42

DP and I sometimes fit log burners for people, i think they are the best thing since sliced bread, but you knwo how it is, cobblers children........i could be waiting a while hmm

Hmm, not sure how I feel about today. Skating show rehearsal was great. Work was OK, stressful, but OK.

Just feeling a bit dissociated from everything at the minute - like it's not really happening to me, IYSWIM? Like I'm just "existing" not living.

I think it's because I'm taking a huge step in getting my business going, showcasing at my first wedding fair on Sunday (I'm a photographer who now wants to make a go of it as a supplement to my FT job). I've shot weddings as a guest before, and the pictures, I've been told, are great. So we'll see.

Just can't quite believe I'm setting the dream in motion.

I actually took a big step today though, was chatting to one of the skating coaches at my rink and said, "This is one of few places outside my family and my house where I feel safe, where I can just be me." I've not admitted that before - not to them. I have to my ice hockey friends, who are another part of that.

Wow lollipop that's great re the photography - good for you. And lovely to hear about your skating. Hope you have your feet up now!

LEMisafucker Thu 14-Nov-13 14:49:00

I've just walked ten fecking miles - i am shattered grin and cold, feel better for it though. I think im starting to feel better, this past few days has been fucking awful - scared myself.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 14-Nov-13 15:54:10

CiQ has he got a proper business plan? It should forecast when he will make a profit. What assumptions is he making which you think are too optimistic?

Not meaning to increase worry, far from it, just hoping clarity might help iyswim.

Wow lem that's amazing! Glad to hear you feel better for it. Should sleep well tonight!

spc no, he doesn't yet. Supposed to be doing that in dec once his pro bono work finishes. I find it very stressful talking to him about it as he has a v diff mindset - I guess I'm more old school. Tho his networking and pro bono stuff is paying off. Just don't think he's that realistic. But then I feel I cant be too critical seeing as I'm not working, and I don't want to be constantly negative and make him depressed again.

In terms of assumptions, he got v excited as about a month ago his three pro bono clients said they would contract him next year so was v excited about prospect of reasonable amount of income (tho not break even for us). But the reality is he has to tender for one, another has significantly scaled down the contract scope and the third are talking - but nothing on paper.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 14-Nov-13 18:00:56

One reason to have a business plan (I love Excel , btw). You can feed in your most optimitic forecast and print it out.

Then you can come down to earth, feed in the current forecast, and print that out as well...

So he's going to have to learn (even more) about tendering, and selling himself? The focus has to be on getting the work, rather than providing the service, however good he is at that. Sounds quite exciting, and networking and persistance can go a long way.

I may sound as if I know what I am talking about, it's more that I have watched a lot of Dragon's Den, plus small businesses I have known about in my life... But I'm usually not a bad theoretician confused

yes I think it will help seeing a written business plan - and your two forecasting approaches make complete sense!

Hi everyone, how's things going today?

Had an OK day here. Got some cake decorating stuff first thing, then a supermarket run (rising panic attack) and then making fairies out of sugar paste for 2.75 hours!!! Do look good though wink Don't understand why going round a supermarket was driving the anxiety sky-high, whereas trying to repeatedly pry thin, fragile, sugar paste from fairy cutter/embosser was ok confused

Trying to psych up the courage to go and join a choir I sang in last Christmas.. but the friend I went with last year can't make it this year.... Daunting. Lots of lovely rather well-to-do ladies in twinsets, and me, an east end/Essex girl at heart wink

We shall see...