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Is anyone around? I feel like I need to talk about my counselling session today.

(275 Posts)
mosp Wed 09-Oct-13 20:27:52

I don't really know if this is the 'done thing', but I still feel quite shaky about it.

Funnyfishface Wed 09-Oct-13 20:29:42

Hi

I'm listening. Are you ok? X

LEMisdisappointed Wed 09-Oct-13 20:31:54

Its absolutely fine to share, if you want to. It might help to write things down

Wowserz129 Wed 09-Oct-13 20:35:00

Yes please share what's made you shaky about it if you wish. Always normally someone around to help!

feelinlucky Wed 09-Oct-13 20:35:54

Hi op, please do share. I'm listening.

mosp Wed 09-Oct-13 20:36:05

Thanks. This computer is being really slow today!

I will try to type it out now...

mosp Wed 09-Oct-13 20:40:48

Well, my counsellor (how on earth do you spell that?) is really lovely and I have been through a series of unsuccessful counsellors (to whom I never could open up) before I got together with her.

My problem relates to a traumatic incident which happened in 1997. I have partial amnesia about what happened to me, which is the aspect we are currently dealing with. Today, at her advice (and my full consent) I brought my diary of 1997. I just got it out of the attic for the purpose, but didn't look at it myself (it contains a word that I have since developed a phobia of, so I can't even read my own diary).

She read out some parts to me. I was just shocked. That's it really sad

Bear in mind, my diaries are SO private, I simply can't believe that I actually allowed another person to look at them. SO embarrassing!

That was a really brave thing to do. Really brave. Diaries are your private thoughts, but it really shows how committed you are to work with your counsellor and to move forward.

Of course you're shaken, but you should be proud of yourself.

mosp Wed 09-Oct-13 20:50:41

I had to, I figured. It is the only way. However, I am starting to wonder whether my account of the time was reliable, because it is too much to accept sad

Is it common for a young girl to 'lie' in her own diary? It can't be right. I'm so confused sad

mosp Wed 09-Oct-13 21:11:38

Stupid computer is so slow! Is there anyone there?

yegodsandlittlefishes Wed 09-Oct-13 21:16:26

It is possible for a young girl to put things a certain way and for it to not match quite with the 'truth' but for it to be exactly the truth as she felt/thought it. Its common to pick out certain things and leave oyt many others ro support a particular point of view.

feelinlucky Wed 09-Oct-13 21:18:07

It's early days and maybe a little kindness and less pressure on yourself. It sounds like there's such a lot for you to make sense of and it's really early days. I understand your embarrassment but no one will be judging you. I always find it amazing how we can question our own version of events. I think things will become clearer for you a little further into your counselling relationship. You're so very brave. I hope you're ok tonight.

mosp Wed 09-Oct-13 21:23:26

So, the diary is not reliable? I don't know!!

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat Wed 09-Oct-13 21:23:42

Hi mosp.

I would say a young girl would lie, but they may word something wrong. I used to have a diary and it's quite depressing what was in their sometimes. I block out a lot of things I don't like to remember and have always been good at this. Dread to think what I would remember if I had hypnotherapy or something like that.

Keep talking, it might make you feel better.

mosp Wed 09-Oct-13 21:54:44

trying desperately to post. been here all evening. it is too slow!!

mosp Wed 09-Oct-13 21:55:29

ah, look at that. that one worked!

mosp Wed 09-Oct-13 21:55:42

I just can't understand how I had it so distorted in my mind. One part of me thinks, why would I lie? Nobody ever reads my diary! Or was I too mixed up even straight after the event to write correctly. But everything else is so detailed, and it reads convincingly. But then, another part of me refuses to accept it. I feel so upset at what happened to 'the girl in the diary'. And it was me!

mineofuselessinformation Wed 09-Oct-13 22:01:22

Wow. It is a huge thing for you to trust your counsellor enough to share your diary. Well done.
I wouldn't worry about whether what you wrote was the absolute truth, it was your point of view at the time as a pp said. What you might find is that you have a different perspective on it as an adult and maybe that would be a good thing to work through with the help of your counsellor. I hope it brings you some peace.

mineofuselessinformation Wed 09-Oct-13 22:02:09

Wow. It is a huge thing for you to trust your counsellor enough to share your diary. Well done.
I wouldn't worry about whether what you wrote was the absolute truth, it was your point of view at the time as a pp said. What you might find is that you have a different perspective on it as an adult and maybe that would be a good thing to work through with the help of your counsellor. I hope it brings you some peace.

mosp Wed 09-Oct-13 22:02:12

So sad sad. This evening, of all evenings, I needed to talk. And the internet is not playing ball sad

mosp Wed 09-Oct-13 22:03:59

But, it's not really about different perspectives. It is that I have amnesia. I try and try to remember, but it is a block. So, maybe what I wrote was a kind of dream. I feel confused and traumatised, in fact.

mosp Wed 09-Oct-13 22:04:40

I'm so grateful for all replies!

feelinlucky Wed 09-Oct-13 22:14:37

I'm so annoyed I can't get on this site properly. Don't worry OP. We will all get back on soon enough. I always find writing everything in my head down really helps me 'offload' and I get a better night sleep.

schnockles Wed 09-Oct-13 22:18:33

Hi mosp,
This was a huge thing you did today. Even without the revelations in your diary it would be enough to make you feel shaky and uncertain.
It seems as though you need to work through what was read to you, written by you, in your diary. I can only speak from my own experience but my diary when I was young (I had a journal from 11-15) was the only place I'd write down exactly how I was feeling because it was private. No one was going to find out so I could write what I felt. So, you could look at it as the truth, although perhaps slightly more emotionally written than you would write now you're an adult.
I'm sorry you had a traumatic experience(s) when you were a child. It must have been pretty awful if you have amnesia and a word phobia as a result.

It's really brave of you to confront your trauma at all, and to let someone read your diary is amazing.

This might be a rubbish idea, but do you think you could read (or have your counselor read to you) a non-triggering part of your diary that you remember? It might help you decide whether what you wrote around that time was generally accurate.

mosp Wed 09-Oct-13 22:31:28

yet another post that refused to 'send'. I'll try again...

Yes, she read out other bits (trivial parts) and they were all credible. I was meticulous at the time.

By the way, I was young but not a child. I was 20 (but as naive as a child)

mosp Wed 09-Oct-13 22:32:08

I don't have the diary now. I left it with her to read some more before next week.

mosp Wed 09-Oct-13 22:35:11

I was so ill a couple of years ago, as I was re-triggered. It has taken this long to get some good counselling, and to be able to stay above water. I just feel quite scared right now that if I discuss it, I'll get ill again. But, I have so many questions.

It would be so good to find someone else who has experienced the same or similar response as me.

One hour a week seems so little for me to be able to try to deal with it.

Sorry - I'm all over the place. And typing fast while the site seems to be working better...

Coffeenowplease Wed 09-Oct-13 22:42:53

Hi MOSP

I remember you from past threads. I dont know much about memories that are repressed. But I would have thought if the rest of your diary seems to tie in with events, this probably does too but as I say I dont know much about it.

It was fantastic you felt able to go through this with your Councillor (sp). smile

Is this nhs or private ? Hope you dont mind as I was thinking 1 hour does seem quite short so I was assuming NHS ?

mosp Wed 09-Oct-13 22:55:23

No, I went private in the end. I had a string of unsuitable ones (unsuitable for me, I'm sure they were great with others) on the nhs, including at a specialist trauma centre. This lady is perfect for me at this time. I just assumed that one hour was the norm, really.

Coffeenowplease Wed 09-Oct-13 22:56:10

I dont know - have you asked her if its normal ?

mosp Wed 09-Oct-13 22:56:36

coffee, which threads do you remember? There were a lot of deleted ones from 2010. Or was it ones since then. Just wondering how much you know...

mosp Wed 09-Oct-13 22:57:45

I think I asked her near the beginning, and she said it was her normal. It does seem to race by though.

Coffeenowplease Wed 09-Oct-13 22:59:53

Honestly not sure - would you prefer a PM ?

HoopHopes Wed 09-Oct-13 23:00:46

I hour is normal in private, the NHS hour is usually 50 mins. My private counsellor said that it is one hour because clients need time in between sessions to process things and to stop it becoming a support/crutch rather than counselling - which made sense to me at the time anyway.

mosp Wed 09-Oct-13 23:03:33

coffee, yes. But be sure not to mention 'the word'!!! If you 'know' me, you'll have gathered what it is.

mosp Wed 09-Oct-13 23:09:47

I get that hoop. Just, this week I don't think I can switch off as I have been doing before. Too shaken and shocked. The diary was also full of bits of paper and other writings, all related to the incident and me trying to make sense of it (I assume).

ShoeWhore Wed 09-Oct-13 23:10:11

I agree that was really brave of you OP and it's great to hear you have a counsellor you can trust. I think your teenage self would have had a different perspective to your adult self? I imagine there might be situations that a teenager would interpret differently to an adult, for example. But that might in itself be helpful, I think? As it's the way your teenage self responded to events that has shaped the way you feel about that time now? Does that make sense?

An hour (or 50 mins to be precise) is how counsellors tend to work (private and NHS ime)

Be kind to yourself OP. I found counselling hard work and I wasn't dealing with anything so traumatic, it was all worth it though. Hope you find some answers and they bring you peace.

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat Wed 09-Oct-13 23:12:26

Message did post.

mosp Wed 09-Oct-13 23:15:19

There were a couple of moments where we both laughed at that 20 year old me! I was obsessed with detail - even to the point that I had recorded that my friend boiled some eggs for lunch. And some REALLY embarrassing conversations which now sound so juvenile!

mosp Wed 09-Oct-13 23:16:23

Aintnobody - what message are you referring to? I have written several that refused to ever post!

schnockles Thu 10-Oct-13 06:44:41

Morning mosp,
Hope you managed to get some sleep.
I don't have any experience of repressed memories, sorry.
What I will say is I suspect you know the things your 20 year old self wrote in your diary are true and pretty accurate, but you don't want to or can't process that yet. Hence the doubt. If you were meticulous in recording boiled eggs then it's likely you were the same about your trauma.
This time of reflection and thought you're having now is why counselling and therapy sessions tend to last an hour; so you can think on what's been said and start to process what happened in the last session.

(Ps. You had the spelling of counsellor right the first time. A councillor is a member of a local government council or similar, whereas a counsellor is a person who offers counsel - advice, ideas, etc.)

redredeyes Thu 10-Oct-13 07:28:22

Hi Mosp. I keep diaries. They help me process thoughts. My first diary was when I was 6 years old. It was an A4 weekly planner from my father's business. There are lots of entries like "today we did gym" and "I played with Claire and drank juice". Then one day, "Mummy punched me in the tummy". I too have wondered if I exaggerated that. Maybe she pushed me away and it wasn't my stomach she touched, for example. I've thought of HUNDREDS of possibilities over the years (she probably punched me, but not really, really hard). What I think of it is that a) whatever happened, it was important to me b) as a 6 year old, I understood it to be a punch and not a mistake c) I know with hindsight that I wasn't lying in my diary and d) I put it in context with my mother's behaviour to know that it may have been an exaggeration, but that would only be a small one and have been because I was really upset about it. So, it was an exaggeration of the fact, but a 100% honest reflection of how I felt about it in totality.

People do lie in diaries. They do, especially if they know someone might read it. Mostly though, they don't, they just get whatever it is out, for whatever reason. It is unlikely that in a meticulous phase of life that someone would write a traumatic event down in detail and lie, or even exaggerate to a point where the truth is distorted however. There would be little to gain from that.

I too went through a traumatic event at around the same age as you. I wrote it down, in detail. I sent it to a friend, however, I didn't put it in my diary. I have no idea why. I also wrote that she was to destroy the letter after reading it and tell no one. She did destroy it, but told one other close friend. I wish I'd not asked her to destroy it, because it would help a lot to know the details I've blocked out now and i no longer know her well enough to ask. I'm sure my memory has twisted parts too. That's what often happens with memory though.

I can't imagine having even my loveliest therapist read my diary, but fwiw, I think you've done a brave thing that is incredibly difficult now, but will help in the long term.

yegodsandlittlefishes Thu 10-Oct-13 09:01:18

Mosp, sorry, I tried to post more last night but the site servers were overloaded because one of the other threads went viral.

It will take time. You will get the answers, I am sure, if you want to and it it important to rest and relax and be restored between counselling sessions. This sort of thing can feel a lot like opening up an old wound. Once in that painful place we want to get to the truth right away, to come out of it and not go back. I have known that pain.

Some things to think about for another session, which might not apply to you:

One person can see things from different points of view. Sometimes these are the very lies that have currently taken hold and which stop us from moving on; they change how we see things. They can be the very thing we are afraid to name. My own experience was, in naming it in counselling at the right time, I was able to see ut for what it was. I was able to see the thing which I feared most was untrue (and not as terrible as I thought).

Also, sometimes the meanings of words can change according to how they are being read out. Is it possible that your counsellor could have misunderstood the intent of the writer, added misplaced emphasis or missed a change in the way your younger self was writing? Sometimes after talking to someone with a different perspective to myself, I would try to see things from their point of view and that would come through in my diary (but as me and only I would know it wasnt what I really believed).

You have made an incredible step forward. Allow yourself to rest.

mosp Thu 10-Oct-13 09:10:54

Thank you for your words.

All I want right now is to get it off my mind. I'm chasing my tail trying to work out whether what I wrote is accurate. It MUST be (I would have no motive to lie to myself, unless i had been denying the extent of it. But it is the other way round; the diary has gritty mortifying detail).

Her reading it out made me feel sick, shaky and humiliated sad

Another thing is: there are other details (re my feelings and my shock response at the time) that I remember clearly now, but I didn't write them down in the diary. It was like reading an impersonal account of something I'd watched in a bad film. The only part that have away my emotions was in one sentence where I wrote, "and I was ashamed because I was naked". Apart from that, it just gives horrific details coldly. Another bit read something like: "he took me to...(a place away from the crowds)". But, I remember being 'dragged' there by my arm.

Another thought: I believe I had memory gaps even by the next day (when I would have written it) and instead of recognising that, I just wrote what I did remember and filled in the gaps with what seemed to fit with my level of distress. Does that make sense?

yegodsandlittlefishes Thu 10-Oct-13 09:38:05

Yes, it does make sense. I would suggest you write down what you do remember, to talk about with your counsellor and do something else and forget about it.

Tell your counsellor about how you feel.

My last counselling session, I was talking about parenting and saying how much difference it makes to feel/believe that I am 'good enough'. She said 'and are you good enough?'

At the end we always have a couple of minutes of reflection and I said that was difficult to hear. She made it clear that she didn't mean to be questioning whether I am, in fact, a good enough mother, but was asking whether I really did believe it. I suppose I must have doubts to have felt that way, but just because I have doubts it doesn't mean I am not good enough, iyswim. Our feelings are not indicator of fact or truth in that sense.

laverneandshirl Thu 10-Oct-13 12:42:40

Mosp, it's v common to feel very detached from traumas and to be able to discuss them in a very detached cold way. It is your brain's way of protecting you from the pain and distress which it is not yet ready to deal with. So your diary sounds very normal and in some ways it's great that you were able to write things down at the time.

You are obviously feeling in a 'safer' place now to start to process the emotions and shock. Traumatic amnesia is another defense mechanism. I've found that although I can't recall absolute detail I have a clear picture of the start and end of an event and can kind of sense the middle bit without being able to recall it visually - just like your description of filling gaps to fit level of distress. The fact that the 'end' bit of the amnesia is filled with intense fear etc is your sure sign that there is a damn good reason why your brain has erased it.

And remember there is an awful lot of shit talked by psychologists and the like who say repressed memories don't exist which can make you doubt yourself. This is absolutely not the same. Your memory is not repressed - you remember the start and end being bad but not the middle. It's no different to when a footballer has a horrific injury and has no recollection of lying on the pitch waiting for help (several accounts of this) but does remember warming up for the game and getting to hospital.

hope that helps and keep going with your recovery you can get there and feel normal again.

mosp Thu 10-Oct-13 13:32:47

Thank you yego and laverne.

So, did you also experience traumatic amnesia, laverne? Did you ever get the truth back?

In a way, I find the amnesia more distressing tab the actual event! I just want to know what happened and be able to talk about it properly.

You would think that having my own words read to me would convince me that my suspicions are correct. But I just can't believe what I wrote, even though I do believe everything else that was written in the diary!

Another perturbing thing: I recall the occasion when I saw him again very clearly, and my diary backed up that memory. However, I was convinced it was at least a week or two after the initial incident. It turns out that it was the following day. So...my sense of time is also distorted. However, in that respect I do believe my diary. I therefore cannot trust my sketchy memories.

Argh!!! Sorry, I'm just repeating myself over and over. Thank you for listening!

yegodsandlittlefishes Thu 10-Oct-13 14:05:12

Yes, I can remember similar (visiting a family member the day after a trauma).and putting dates in diary but remembering it as a couple of weeks later. Another thing that happened weeks later and I remembered it as happening on the same night. I do remember being shocked by that when I read it and the self doubt. Really though, it didnt change what really happened. I was not at fault and I can remember overwhelming self recriminations and feelinga of self loathing. I wish I had listened more to people who aaid I had done nothing wrong and I was not to blame.

mosp Thu 10-Oct-13 18:16:47

Oh goodness, the self blame is a whole other part of this mess that I need to get to the bottom of! No amount of anyone telling me I was not to blame is ever going to get through sad

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat Thu 10-Oct-13 18:40:35

Sorry what I meant mosp was I thought the long message I had typed had posted, but it hadn't.

Glad the site is working okay today.

I was just saying that our minds tend to shut down and forget things when it feels we shouldn't remember the events. That's if they are too traumatising or just too complicated to process.

There are times when I was younger and lived with my sister who had borderline schizophrenia and when I was with my ex partner, that I just simply can't remember. I know about them because I have read from what I had wrote at the time and what I had told others/what others have said, but otherwise I have seemed to blank them.

It's perfectly natural to do this. It doesn't mean we aren't curious about the contents though. Sometimes it's both enticing and frightening to try and venture back and remember those things. For closure, understanding and self acceptance you feel like you want to know but you also know there are some things that once remembered, may be hard to put back in the cupboard of the mind again, iyswim.

I hope with your counsellor you can delve as little or as much as you like into the past with your diary. It's very important to control how much and how quickly you want to learn of these things.

I too think you're brave for showing your diary; it takes a lot of courage to give someone something that is so personal, which shows the bond you have gained with your counsellor.

Keep talking - I find it very cathartic.

mosp Thu 10-Oct-13 19:41:36

Ah, aint, I see what you mean now. Yesterday was terrible on mn, wasn't it? I'm pleased it has improved!

I just can't decide what to think! I do get that people block things that are too awful to remember. I just can't seem to apply that to me. I don't think it can really be true for me. I realise this doesn't make sense!

I do need closure, and I am scared I'll never get it because I can't even let myself believe my own writings. Even if I ever believe I know what happened, I will always believe that I caused it on one level or another. And even if I get that issue sorted, I am still left with phobias and fears and unfair assumptions about men in general. In short, I need to be an olympic athlete to get past all these hurdles.

Then, when I consider all these barriers to being well/sane, I just feel like giving up. But I know I can't. Someone mentioned me 'feeling normal again'. I actually have no sense of what 'normal' would be if it hit me in the face! This happened in 1997; that's soon going to be half my life away! And even before it happened, I was not 'normal' or it would never have happened!

I don't feel even slightly 'brave' for handing over my diary. Yes, it was a scary thing to do. But I had no choice. It is one of my few hopes. It's like when people call me brave because I escaped from my abusive h. No, not brave. Just doing what I had to do. No choice. If I could choose, I would have never chosen my lot.

Sorry, I'm being really depressing here, aren't I? I do appreciate that there are some lovely people reading and responding. And I feel so much better that some people 'get' the amnesia thing.

mosp Sat 12-Oct-13 19:18:21

Anyone around to help me feel calmer?

(I have been desperate all day, but also feeling guilty that I am still so needy and never any use to anyone else) sad

yeghoulsandlittledevils Sat 12-Oct-13 19:46:11

I am here, but have had a bit of a family row and am not in a very happy place.

It is pretty normal to feel desparate. I took up new hobbies to try to take my mind off things. (But one is going for a walk and it's been raining all day so I did uroning instead. Ironing, I can say with somevfervour, is not a suitable relaxant. Not for me, anyway!)

mosp Sat 12-Oct-13 19:53:19

Sorry yego. You are so kind to reply when you're feeling lousy yourself!
I hope the discord in your family rectifies soon. Rows are horrible sad

mosp Sat 12-Oct-13 19:54:07

I'm trying to write things down in a notebook. Not making a very good job of it.

yeghoulsandlittledevils Sat 12-Oct-13 20:17:13

It is good to write things down, even if you dont end up keeping it.

PAinting is good too.

TerrorTremor Sun 13-Oct-13 11:13:30

Hi mosp this is Aint but namechanged for Halloween.

If you don't mind me quoting parts of your post because it's easier I'mlazy

I do need closure, and I am scared I'll never get it because I can't even let myself believe my own writings. Even if I ever believe I know what happened, I will always believe that I caused it on one level or another.
I have felt that what has happened to me in the past is my fault. If I didn't say no or shout, then I obviously wasn't making it very clear at all. Besides, I stuck around and what idiot does that? But the thing is we were both young, not familiar with the world of sex and intimacy and were scared. Fear does some pretty strange things to you. It can freeze you or make you lash out. I froze and I imagine you probably did too. It doesn't mean it was your fault. Nobody could ask for that kind of thing to happen. If someone presented your situation to you as their own, I am sure you would tell them what I am telling you now. You feel it is different because it is you, because you probably (don't mean to assume so sorry if I am wrong) have low self esteem and when that occurs, you do tend to think everything is your fault, even irrational things.

And even if I get that issue sorted, I am still left with phobias and fears and unfair assumptions about men in general.
It's not easy at all. But once you have dealt with the initial understanding of what happened, you can begin to deal with the secondary issues. Phobias are difficult, but not impossible to overcome. I really don't trust men very much, as not had the best of experiences with them. I have an amazing partner though who I trust with my life in all aspects. It's gradually getting to know a man and treat them as an individual rather than them as a certain gender. Protect yourself by not allowing yourself to be in any vulnerable situation with them unless you are 100% sure you can trust them in your mind. This may take months, this may take years - but if he truly cares for you, he will wait for that from you. Also pick up warning signals. If a man does something you dislike, you DON'T have to put up with it. Remove yourself from the situation, distance yourself from this man and if it is severe, report him.

Then, when I consider all these barriers to being well/sane, I just feel like giving up. But I know I can't.
Sanity isn't a one level thing, neither is insanity. There is so many levels to it. Giving up you could do by why do that when none of this is your fault? Why do this when you could be happy?

Someone mentioned me 'feeling normal again'. I actually have no sense of what 'normal' would be if it hit me in the face! This happened in 1997; that's soon going to be half my life away! And even before it happened, I was not 'normal' or it would never have happened!
There is no such thing as normal at all. It's all very personal experience. I think they mean feeling comfortable with yourself and that is something to aim for. Like I stated above it's not because you weren't normal that it happened, it's because the person who did this to you isn't normal or isn't very nice.

You have done the right thing in showing you diary. You are not being depressing, you are being honest and I am sure I can speak for the others on this thread that we appreciate it.

mosp Sun 13-Oct-13 15:54:57

Thank you for your words.

Sorry, I just can't articulate any of my thoughts right now, but I wanted you to know that I read and appreciate you trying.

I am not sure that our experiences are so similar, though probably equally distressing sad

So so weak now sad

TerrorTremor Sun 13-Oct-13 17:04:45

I am pretty sure they aren't linked in any way, yet the way they make you feel are probably very similar, if you see what I mean.

Perhaps a time when you feel a little happier within yourself, you could take a look and read again.

I really hope you can be happy because you deserve to be happy.

You have done nothing wrong to warrant anything that has happened to you. I don't know much about your situation, but I know that.

mosp Sun 13-Oct-13 17:13:53

Aint/terror (not sure what I should call you...)

Thank you. And sorry. X

TerrorTremor Mon 14-Oct-13 17:53:18

No need to be sorry.

Sorry is for when you have made a mistake or done something wrong.

I can't see you showing signs of either.

Confusion isn't a crime, otherwise I'd be banged up by now.

mosp Wed 16-Oct-13 23:26:00

I know that probably no one is there. And I know that there is nothing anyone can say to make anything better.

I had another session today and I have spent the whole evening crying sad

I am completely broken, beyond all repair sad

I can never get better; I'm stuck here forever. I will never find out the complete truth. More horrible stuff (fromy own pen) was revealed to me today. I can't take it sad

I go honestly wish I could just go out and walk and walk for miles. But I have kids here and dd saw my red face earlier and is petrified that I'm getting ill (again).

Wish I was just dead sad

timidviper Thu 17-Oct-13 00:01:03

Don't want to read and run although I have no real experience.

You are not broken at all, just look at everything you have achieved. You have come through a terrible trauma to build a life and have children.

I found a diary of mine from when I was about 14 recently. I have no trauma in my past and yet it was a very odd feeling. It felt almost as though the writer was a stranger writing about things I remembered. It was very unsettling even for me.

Try to be kind to yourself OP, you are doing really well

mosp Thu 17-Oct-13 09:48:00

Thank you for answering, but I am really not doing well at all!

I have a busy day today. Full on all day, and much of it requiring me to put on a show of normality, when in my brain i am being brutally bashed sad

Parents' evening later, and I have a tutoring lesson to give as well. But my face is red, my eyes barely open, my head aches, etc. etc.

I just wish I could have an accident, serious enough to give me a week in hospital with no questions asked.

I am so alone in this agony. It is just too much to tell and no one in rl I could tell it to (except my counsellor) so I just suffer and shake and convulse all alone.

If only I knew for sure what happened that night. Again, my diary shed more light, but even at the time I was fuddled about it. I'm never going to know, am I?

Plus, my lovy counsellor accidentally said 'the word' yesterday and I had a huge panic attack. That's partly why I can't cope now. But I don't want to tell her how much I'm suffering because she'll just feel guilty and it was an honest mistake. So, there's another pain I have to bottle up.

How is the rest of the world just carrying on? I am sick in my head.

As I tried to explain yesterday (in counselling), what happened to me with my ex h was possibly worse and certainly more life threatening. But at least I remember clearly so I can file it away. This 1997 incident could have been dealt with by now, if only I could remember exactly what he did to me. According to my diary, I found bruises and scratches, but no idea how they came about as individuals.

Sorry, I just needed to type that out. Just be grateful I have not typed out what was read to me yesterday. It was beyond disgusting sad

If you are reading, thank you xx

yeghoulsandlittledevils Thu 17-Oct-13 15:32:58

Well done! You really sound like you need a huge round of applause, mosp. And a lovely, warm, gentle, accepting and comfy, loving non-threatening virtual hug. You are going through so much. Please try to back off a bit from finding out the truth and take it in small bite-sized chunks.

I used to do the same and was getting burn out and was unable to function between sessions. This is what my counsellor suggested: Before the end of your counselling session, imagine putting your emotions, what happened, anything that you've discussed and everything else into a box and onto a shelf for next time. It will be there, and you will be able to access it better because your brain and body will have had the rest and recuperation to be ready for a little tiny bit more. This process will not go any quicker if you try to devour every aspect of it all in one go, that will just make you sick!

You can tell your counsellor about how you feel between sessions. It is her job to help you and her professional responsibility to help you through the process. She can';t help you if you as well if you keep things from her. Try taking a session off from getting to the truth about the trauma and ask her about coping strategies between sessions, and how to prepare your mind for work and so forth. Maybe she has a mindfulness tape you could borrow, or can suggest downloads or apps?

yeghoulsandlittledevils Thu 17-Oct-13 15:37:03

Once i started to use the box technique, I found I could use it anywhere at any time. I had an imaginary shelf I put it on beside me (up to my right). the other good thing was, when I imagined getting the box down and looking inside during counselling, I could see things differently. Sometimes it brought back memories I didn't even know I had forgotten. Some were happy ones from childhood which were fun to explore, others no so great, but good to reveal in safety. It was a very long process.

mosp Thu 17-Oct-13 19:07:08

She has talked the box technique before. I was (at the beginning) very good at it. Well, just good at avoidance really. It is only the past week that my brain is not allowing me to box it all up. It is not my conscious decision to think about it. My brain attacks me. Really, that is how it feels. It is as though my brain were an external enemy sad

However, I feel a little more stable this evening. I think I cried enough for a year just in this one morning!

I hope you are feeling better! Thank you for your message (again).

yeghoulsandlittledevils Thu 17-Oct-13 19:31:27

Yes, I am feeling better. Life is manageable at the moment, I am able to rest during the day. I have taken ...a stressful daily commitment...because I must (can't go into details here) which takes its toll, but I can have a rest and relax a bit most afternoons.

I can remember feeling that about my brain, and crying a river, too!

Recently too...I have found that overcoming self blame helped enormously with dealing with emotional overload. I've often found this through life, I do this, that I take on guilt that I shouldn't and carry other's emotional burdens for them. Then I find my emotions are out of control. If I can find that 'switch' inside to tell myself I am not to blame (or if someone I can trust tells me) the emotions switch off too, by magic and I am myself again.

Have you told your counsellor about feeling that your brain is attacking you?

Tell yourself: you are not to blame for what happened to you.

TerrorTremor Thu 17-Oct-13 19:34:04

So sorry to hear how you are feeling today mosp.

I really wish you could see there is nothing wrong with you. There may be things that have harmed you in the past, but it doesn't make you any less of a person now.

I think the most important thing to recovery is forgiving yourself. No matter what the problem is, you need to forgive yourself before you can understand everything.

Have you thought about getting hypnotherapy in the future? Might not be the best idea now when you have young children, as it can leave you very emotionally sensitive for a while afterwards, but it could possibly answer some questions of things you can't remember if you see what I mean.

I know you don't know me but if you want to talk to a stranger about it feel free to PM me and I will listen without judging. You can say as little or as much as you like, as I am here to listen as best I can.

I have been to a counsellor myself for several reasons and have had to change them several times and each time it felt like going from scratch again, so I do sympathise with it feeling like one thing after another. But you have a really good rapport with this new counsellor and I think you are really making progress. But the thing with progress is it's hurdles and not all of them are easy to jump.

mosp Thu 17-Oct-13 21:24:48

I'm nearly falling asleep, I'm so exhausted! I just wanted you both to know that I read your kind messages, and I'll respond when I can. Thank you!

TerrorTremor Thu 17-Oct-13 21:26:32

No problem.

Get some sleep if you can. Or just relax and lay down and listen to something relaxing or funny.

These things don't have to rule our lives.

Life is too short to always worry.

A smile is always just around the corner.

MisguidedAngel Fri 18-Oct-13 15:53:07

mosp I hope that what I am going to write will help a little. I used to be a SW and once I worked with a woman who came to SSD because she wanted help with parenting. After a long time she told me, without details, about a traumatic incident in her past. She knew it had happened because the person went to prison, but she could not remember any details. It is not at all uncommon to have this sort of amnesia, it's a protective device. It helped you in the aftermath, now it sounds as if you need/want to remember but of course it is very frightening.

I agree that it would be good if you could talk to your counsellor about coping strategies and taking very small steps, as yeghouls suggests.

I hope you will feel able to carry on posting here - you are getting very good advice and support.

mosp Fri 18-Oct-13 19:52:50

Thank you, kind people smile

Last night I was able to listen to a great audio book and to drop off to sleep peacefully. And today, I have been just avoiding allowing myself to think about it (and my brain has not attacked me, which feels like something of a miracle because I usually get much longer bouts of this after a trigger) and I have just spent a quiet day with the kids.

I have in the past wondered about hypnotherapy and I will seriously consider it for the future if I can ever afford it.

You are all so kind, being there for me. I have lots of lovely rl friends, but most of them don't know about this and the few that do have a lot on their respective plates right now.

Anyway, there are times I am better typing than talking smile

yeghoulsandlittledevils Fri 18-Oct-13 21:46:35

It was good to hear back that you were alright last night, it meant a lot to me. I was very glad to know that you were alright, and also happy that you slept and have had a good, quiet day. I hope the rest of your weekend goes well. :D

mosp Fri 18-Oct-13 22:16:21

yego smile Thank you so much for that!

I hope that your weekend is going well too.

TerrorTremor Sat 19-Oct-13 09:32:21

So glad you got a decent nights sleep. I love listening to audiobooks, I find it very relaxing and gives something for my mind to think about whilst drifting off to sleep.

Really glad you managed to leave all the bad things out of your mind and just focused on having fun with the kids. I bet you feel a lot better for it.

I hope today is another good day for you, as well as the next. smile

MisguidedAngel Sat 19-Oct-13 12:44:18

Someone else just posting to say hi, and hoping you have a nice weekend. I can't seem to do smileys, but have a virtual one.

mosp Sat 19-Oct-13 16:09:14

Thank you terror and angel!

I don't deserve such kindness from strangers on the Internet!

Wishing you all peaceful and happy weekends smile

I am not having a counselling session until the week after next (cancelled for half term) so I'm hoping to stay a I've water until then at least.

My main worry atm is that my sister is coming to stay. She normally lives abroad and has requested to watch downton abbey on catch up. I have been warned against it by a friend and I DON'T want to watch it, nor explain why. My sister doesn't know about my phobia word. I'm so scared!! Don't know what excuse to make! She is staying for a week.

yeghoulsandlittledevils Sat 19-Oct-13 20:23:08

Well we can cope without counselling together then because I've had to give up my counselling session to for this must-do-high-stress daily task I have taken on. I dont know when I will get another counsellor! <eek>

Is there some way you can get your sister to watch Downton without you...or invite the right friend for a girly night to watch it and you pop to the kitchen for drinks and nibbles for the last 20 minutes (while your friend explains to your sister about the word)?

mosp Sat 19-Oct-13 20:40:47

yego - how long will this daily task last? Won't you be able to get the same counsellor back afterwards? You are being really brave (in my opinion).

Re DA, I just don't want to watch it at all, or have anyone explain anything. I just want this to all go away sad The only thing I can think to do is to downright refuse to watch it, and also refuse to give any explanation. I know that makes me really unreasonable, but any alternative at all is too triggering.

yeghoulsandlittledevils Sat 19-Oct-13 20:51:05

Could be months, could be years. I think you're right, it was brave of me to sign up to it! (but there is no one else.) grin

So don't watch Downton. That's the plan. Or watch the older episodes from the previous series, if she has to and not that. Or just say you won't watch it. And have other things to watch ready.

mosp Sat 19-Oct-13 20:59:11

I will try...but it will be easier said than done. She has seen all the last three series (as have I) and is most looking forward to series 4...

She'll be here at about midnight, so hopefully the issue won't come up until tomorrow.

yeghoulsandlittledevils Mon 21-Oct-13 10:39:27

How did it go yesterday, mosp?

mosp Tue 22-Oct-13 01:18:46

All is fine. Lovely being with my sister smile

I prayed she would just not mention the DA thing again, and she hasn't. Quite a miracle! There is no way she can have found out the story line (as far as I know) so it's amazing!!

yeghoulsandlittledevils Tue 22-Oct-13 08:15:08

Wonderful! Its good to hear you are having a nice time. flowers grin

mosp Sun 27-Oct-13 00:47:48

Just to update, all is ok in mosp house. My sis didn't mention DA, even a hint. It was amazing! She left yesterday at 3am.
I'm just hanging in there until Wednesday when I see counsellor again. Might be back then!!
How are you yego and terror and angel and others?

BigArea Thu 31-Oct-13 22:46:03

Mosp how are you doing?

mosp Thu 31-Oct-13 23:30:42

Thank you for asking smile

I am alright. The counselling is still hard work and enlightening (in a painful way). I learned still more from my diary yesterday. She always reads it for an hour or so before I arrive, and then informs me of relevant nuggets. It is still SO embarrassing!!!

Also, she read to me the legal definition of my phobia word (of course, I've never been able to do that), which clarified matters but also opened up hundreds of questions which I would love to be able to discuss more widely, maybe on mn (but can't, for fear the 'word' might come up).

BigArea Thu 31-Oct-13 23:48:52

God that must be quite crippling, I have no experience of phobia. And a catch 22 when you clearly can't say/type it to avoid anyone using it. Why do you feel so embarrassed about the diary? Is it because you were younger when you wrote it do you think?

mosp Thu 31-Oct-13 23:54:35

Yes, it is crippling sad I can't discuss or read anything that may use that word. So, I'm kind of trapped!

Diary is only embarrassing because it is a private diary and obv never intended to be read by anyone other than me! Ironic that I can't actually read my own words now (because I wrote my own phobia word before the phobia developed)! In fact, I always intended to make a clear will that no one may read my diaries until I have been dead long enough that no one remembers me personally!

She is lovely about it though. Said that some parts make her smile (like one day where I'm writing about how much I hate my knees grin)

mosp Thu 31-Oct-13 23:55:42

Again, thank you for asking. Were you on this thread before (under another name)?

BigArea Fri 01-Nov-13 00:18:53

How weird, I was there from the beginning and thought I had posted but must have just lurked, unsure of what to say. Saw your thread this evening and wondered how you have been since DSis left. Sorry to randomly post after the event.

I think it sounds really positive, you saying 'hard work and enlightening in a painful way'. I always imagine it being a bit like having to have a limb rebroken so it can be set straight. But my experience carried probably only a fraction of the trauma you have been through (I know I am comparing apples with pears but still).

mosp Fri 01-Nov-13 00:24:24

No, it's lovely of you to ask. I just wondered if we'd spoken before, that's all smile

I must admit, most of the time when I let myself think about it, I truly believe that I will never get better. It feels like I'm stuck because of a) the amnesia, and b) the inability to say, hear, write or read a certain word. And, I have so far never ever met anyone else who has 'word phobia' (which makes me feel completely weird).

mosp Fri 01-Nov-13 00:25:22

By the way, I started this thread the day mn went mad because of penisbeaker. Maybe you did try to post, but it didn't work smile

BigArea Fri 01-Nov-13 00:33:38

Ha ha yes good point. MN has been more mental than usual busy lately. I've not long come back after a good 2+ years out, I do remember your NN from then but didn't 'know' you - I am not a natural in the forum environment I don't think!

Based on your thread it sounds to me like you are making amazing progress. When something is so embedded/blocked out it will take a loooong time to chip away at. You are being extremely brave you know. When I was suffering with undiagnosed PND I was frightened to let anything out as I just thought I would completely fall to bits. So you are being brave to keep going back and confronting this each week. Just keep showing up and you will get there.

Apparently you are not alone, as it has a proper name, and everything:

Onomatophobia- Fear of hearing a certain word or of names.

(I would have italicised that but no idea where the pointy uppy things are on keyboard)

mosp Fri 01-Nov-13 00:38:45

Ah, thank you smile Are you better now? I can't imagine what PND must be like. I was thankfully spared that horror!
Re the phobia, I meant that I've never met anyone (in rl or on here) with any experience of it. Did you know the name of it already, or did you just google??

mosp Fri 01-Nov-13 00:50:36

The pointy uppy things are above the number 6, by the way.
Going to bed now! Should have gone hours ago!

BigArea Fri 01-Nov-13 00:57:21

No I googled out of interest! I am ok now but definitely have ups and downs - staying up past my bedtime is one of my issues smile

thank you for the tip re the pointers you have changed my life grin

BigArea Tue 12-Nov-13 23:29:43

Sorry realised on my other thread I should ask you here rather than there - how are you?

mosp Tue 12-Nov-13 23:34:16

grin I was thinking the very same thing as I typed out my reply!

mosp Tue 12-Nov-13 23:43:24

I am alright. Got my counselling tomorrow though, and I always feel 'wobbly' for a couple of days after!

Last week, I looked on google maps at the place where it all happened, and I managed to retrace my steps of the fateful night. It didn't bring back any of the lost memories though! It was just really weird!

BigArea Tue 12-Nov-13 23:44:13

"I am alright. Got my counselling tomorrow though, and I always feel 'wobbly' for a couple of days after!

Last week, I looked on google maps at the place where it all happened, and I managed to retrace my steps of the fateful night. It didn't bring back any of the lost memories though! It was just really weird!"

Good luck tomorrow. That was a brave thing to do, did you go on your own? Not sure from prev posts whether you have DP or just DC/s? I hope you are being kind to yourself.

BigArea Tue 12-Nov-13 23:44:50

Sorry cross posted (re read prev posts before clicking send!)

mosp Tue 12-Nov-13 23:46:49

ha ha. we both CPed it!

Yes, I 'went' alone. I'm a single mum so alone in the evenings (kids asleep)

BigArea Wed 13-Nov-13 12:54:56

Hope today goes well mosp x

BigArea Sun 17-Nov-13 08:33:15

Hello again, are you having a nice weekend? How did your session go this week?

mosp Tue 19-Nov-13 08:59:46

Sorry I didn't reply. Weekend was so busy and then yesterday was so stressful (with my dd). I'm not feeling great right now. I've got that common complaint called 'motherhood'. Symptoms include: constant worry, self-doubt, feelings of perpetual guilt and fear for the future. Times like this, I wish I could go back on the sertraline and stay there forever!

petsheep Tue 19-Nov-13 09:37:59

I am here to listening, if it is help, talk to me and everybody who is here .

BigArea Tue 19-Nov-13 13:54:39

Hey mosp sorry I didn't reply earlier - had friends coming round so had to attend to sort the mess out!

Sorry you have had a stressful few days. You are so right re guilt etc and it must be hard not to have someone to dilute the effect for you occasionally. I don't think the winter helps either.

Why was yesterday stressful with DD?

mosp Tue 19-Nov-13 13:58:46

I can't cope with her. She can be so vile to me whenever I try to get her to pull her weight/do her homework. She was throwing things across the room and generally making herself as impossible as and knew how. Calling me names and just refusing to cooperate. She is 11!!
There is more, but I have to go right now...(friend just arrived)

Apparentlychilled Tue 19-Nov-13 16:14:31

Hi mosp, just wanted to let you know there's another friendly ear here if you want it.

I can really relate to wanting to feel fixed - there have been times w my counsellor that I doubted it was possible. And some days it still seems impossible. But other days I feel better and even have glimpses of 'normal'. You sound like you're doing so well- you should be proud of yourself.

mosp Tue 19-Nov-13 17:14:18

Thank you. I am just weary now. Dd was better behaved after school today (but that is to be expected - she follows a predictable pattern and generally speaking she always feels repentant after a fiasco as we had yesterday).
I still feel emotionally battered by it.
Counselling tomorrow.
If only I could have some time away, alone with paper, pens and a pile of good books!

mosp Tue 19-Nov-13 17:15:31

Thank you chilled and everyone else. All friendly ears appreciated. It is good to talk about it all anonymously!

livingzuid Tue 19-Nov-13 20:07:26

mosp I read your thread and really relate. I am seeing a psychologist for childhood trauma. We have dissassoiative behaviour you and I. My childhood events relate to someone completely different who I cannot relate to at all. My brain had been firmly sealed on three years of my life that comes back in flashes when I least expect it. I also doubt sometimes what happened as I see it through the eyes of a small girl and even wondering wildly if I'm making it up.

We aren't making it up - it's our minds way of helping us deal with things. Lord knows it is easier to not think or deal with it but it sounds like you have a great counsellor who makes you address things but at a pace you can cope with. An hour a week is what I have as well and sometimes even an hour every other week if she feels I need a break.

It's far and away the hardest thing I have ever had to do. You should be really proud of yourself for having the courage to talk things through. It's very difficult but you will be so much more content as a result. I hope it goes well tomorrow.

mosp Wed 20-Nov-13 22:42:53

Thank you livingzuid Yes, it really is hard work. Sorry you're living with a similar nightmare sad

Today I tried to compose a narrative of all that took place, and highlighted in red the specific parts that were his actions. Just trying to stick to the bare facts (either ones I remember, or ones that I have written in my diary).

I have managed some of it, but then I just get stuck in a cycle of self-blame and my brain starts spiraling.

Something sinister happened to me in '97 (I mean, events after the original 'attack') and I can't explain it sad I can't explain myself. It is like I was under a spell. I was watching myself as though from above or as though I was a character in a film. I was utterly unable to make decisions for myself. I was a puppet.

mosp Tue 26-Nov-13 22:08:20

I have obtained a photo of him. Now I'm just staring at it sad

BigArea Wed 27-Nov-13 13:20:34

Hi mosp are you ok? Well obviously you are not, sorry. Did you get photo from FB? Have you spoken to counsellor about it? Does she say you can call her in between sessions if you need to? UnMNetty hugs x

mosp Wed 27-Nov-13 16:31:23

I contacted an old friend who I knew at that time, and she had a picture that she scanned in for me.
I used to have pics but my ex destroyed them all in november 1997 because he was controlling. At that time I was not ready.
Looking at him as he was then, and at myself (I look like I'm about 13) is almost unbearable but at the same time it is compelling.
I'm sure I'm not doing myself any good. No change there then sad

BigArea Wed 27-Nov-13 20:16:45

When is your next counselling appt mosp? Could you take the photo with you do you think? I'm sorry you are feeling so low. I reckon asking for the photo is you trying desperately to remember and thereby be able to process what happened. But I may be talking rubbish. I am here to listen if that helps.

mosp Wed 27-Nov-13 22:39:10

You will think I'm completely stupid (because I am!) but I actually do not hate the man. In fact, I only feel love towards him.

Before he did what he did to me, I barely knew him and I kind of had my eye on someone else. But that all changed in a flash and I became obsessed with him and drawn to him!

This all happened when I was studying abroad so I ended up leaving early, but still feel guilty that I abandoned him!

The more I write on this thread, the more I realise how messed up this all sounds!

mosp Wed 27-Nov-13 22:40:39

Sorry - I forgot to answer your question: I saw my counsellor today and I did show her the picture. He really doesn't look like he's brutal!

BigArea Thu 28-Nov-13 00:06:19

You are clearly not stupid. I don't want to risk using the word here but from what I understand it is common to form/continue a relationship with someone AFTER the event in order to try to normalise what happened and put it back into a box that is easier to cope with. I could be miles off though, I don't know much at all about PTSD.

I don't think it is about whether he 'looks brutal' or not is it love? Although I guess if he did too might find it all more believable. Did the counsellor help you to get your head round the whole photo situation at all?

Hope you get some sleep tonight x

BigArea Thu 28-Nov-13 00:06:38

You not too

mosp Thu 28-Nov-13 00:10:55

sad

BigArea Thu 28-Nov-13 00:16:10

Oh mosp sad I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I know I don't know much about you but it seems to me that you are bravely tackling this - it must feel like you are chipping away at a mountain with a teaspoon but you are doing it and I think you're really brave

mosp Thu 28-Nov-13 00:26:02

I'm not brave! I'm just a mess.

We were (again) trying to piece together what happened on that night, partly by looking at what I wrote in my diary three days later when my friend confronted him. They had quite a dialogue. It just makes me so confused. He contradicts himself. First he says that he did nothing that I was not alright with, but then says that he didn't have sex with me. I don't know what to believe.

I am planning to travel to his country and try to find him and make him give me some answers.

It also makes me feel weird looking at a 16 year old photo and having no idea how different he now looks.

BigArea Thu 28-Nov-13 07:19:29

Do you not think he would just deny deny deny? There's nothing in it for him if he admits it other than the threat of prosecution. What would you hope to get out of it?

yegodsandlittlefishes Thu 28-Nov-13 07:33:48

Just wanted you to know that I am still here mosp.

mosp Thu 28-Nov-13 07:57:37

Thank you!
I think I have probably written TMI on this thread. I don't know. Just seem to be unable to judge these things when I'm feeling so upset.

Yesterday she was telling me various comments that her supervisor had made about the situation. I wish I had written them down. It kind of helped explain rationally why I couldn't have done more to save myself, even though I still feel I should have been able to put up a better fight.

Everything contradicts in my head. And I still don't know what happened exactly or even if he was completely successful or only partially.

Thank you for listening to my rambling.

BigArea Thu 28-Nov-13 07:59:45

Ask her to email you a summary of what her supervisor said. And feel free to PM if you'd rather talk off board. Got to go now but will check in later

yegodsandlittlefishes Thu 28-Nov-13 08:41:23

Yes, ask for an email or take something like a diary to write short notes in.

BigArea Thu 28-Nov-13 09:12:10

Good idea yegods

mosp Thu 28-Nov-13 20:31:49

Well, I had a day off work today so spent it alone in a cafe writing and writing. I think I remembered most of what I wanted to record.

One of the interesting comments that came back to my mind was that he had a kind of magic. I have often thought that myself, but this comment was from my counsellor's supervisor. It is the only explanation for why I am still madly in love with a man who behaved so brutally towards me.

I also found time to go to Jessops and get a print out of the photo.

BigArea Thu 28-Nov-13 21:03:20

Hello there, glad you're still here. Sounds like having the day to yourself was really helpful. How is your DD?

I am convinced your feelings of love for him must relate to the attack. You said before that you were unbothered about him beforehand. What do counsellor and supervisor think? I am thinking something along lines of Stockholm syndrome whereby creating feelings of love and attachment for someone makes the unbearable easier to deal with.

What happened afterwards? Did you become a couple? How did he treat you?

mosp Thu 28-Nov-13 21:09:33

Yes, the Stockholm syndrome does seem to ring true, although it was not like I was a physical captive (though I felt like a captive). What happened afterwards was that he kind of stalked me and kept on trying until I gave in and talked to him. Then we kind of became like a couple, despite myself. It was horrifying. My friends didn't know what to do with me. He continued to abuse and control me. I only protested feebly to the sex though; I didn't have the spirit to try to fight. Plus, he would have looked elsewhere if I didn't cooperate, and I needed him to want me as he took my virginity.
You're right, I felt nothing for him before. I knew his name but that was about it.

mosp Thu 28-Nov-13 21:15:28

Before, I was a hardworking, careful and diligent person. I think I was pretty sensible about the things that mattered.
Afterwards, I turned into another person. Someone who I was watching on a screen as though she was not me. I risked STI's and pregnancy over and over sad

BigArea Thu 28-Nov-13 22:49:36

This >>>I needed him to want me as he took my virginity<<< - this is exactly what I was getting at.

And your later post echoed exactly what livingzuid said about disassociative (sp?) behaviour "I turned into another person. Someone who I was watching on a screen as though she was not me."

Here is my take on it. I am not convinced this man had 'a kind of magic' - I think he attacked you, and then while you were still reeling with shock bullied you to keep you under his control. You 'went along with it' because that was preferable to accepting and processing at the time that he had done that thing to you. And in fact prevented from it being done to you again - if you were not protesting then you could think of it as consensual, IYSWIM.

I think you changed as a person because you did not want to be the person that that had happened to. And you stopped looking after yourself because what was the point? You did before and it still happened anyway.

With much love to you thanks

mosp Thu 28-Nov-13 22:53:07

I know you're right, but I still can't snap out of it sad

Thank you for being there xx

mosp Thu 28-Nov-13 22:57:44

Though there was never any doubt that I was never willing. In fact, he begged me to have sex with him willingly, "just once".

BigArea Thu 28-Nov-13 22:58:11

Oh love I don't expect you can 'snap out of it' - if only it were that simple, a lovely lightbulb moment where you can suddenly just move on from it all.

You are however working through it, in counselling, on your own and on here. I am glad to be able to be here for you and I hope it is helping you somewhat. I just want to give you a big hug (but I might get banned) smile

BigArea Thu 28-Nov-13 22:58:32

Sorry X posted

BigArea Thu 28-Nov-13 22:59:38

Jesus that is bloody awful. So there is no way whatsoever that he could have convinced himself you were in any way anything other than his victim, for the entire duration.

mosp Thu 28-Nov-13 23:03:32

Thank you. I would accept the hug smile

This is totally ridiculous! It is 16 years later!!! My only excuse for that is that I kind of put my feelings about it on hold for years while I survived my ex h's abuse and brought up the kids.

They are 11 and 12 now, and I'm sure they suffer from me being like this. My dd2 often voices her fears that I'll disappear and kill myself, and especially recently as a local mum actually did do that.

She asks me often to promise I won't. I always reply that I don't plan it (but I wonder how true that is).

BigArea Thu 28-Nov-13 23:33:06

Look, as my friend always says, "it is what it is". You have been through so much and only now are you ready to tackle this. That will benefit your DCs in the long run of course. And in the meantime you have left an abusive marriage thus protecting your DCs and setting them an excellent example of what is not acceptable behaviour in a relationship. IMO you did v v well to escape from your ex-h especially given your previous trauma. Think about what you have achieved, rather than what you haven't yet recovered from.

Just scanning through your previous posts and found this one which I think is really key: * I believe I had memory gaps even by the next day (when I would have written it) and instead of recognising that, I just wrote what I did remember and filled in the gaps with what seemed to fit with my level of distress.* You were immediately traumatised and affected by what he did to you, so it is no wonder that you changed so instantaneously.

I hope you will forgive me for saying this, but I suspect your promises not to disappear are not convincing your DD. You are doing so well, and you need to make a conscious decision that that is not an option for you. Would you say you are having intrusive thoughts? Have you discussed this with your counsellor or GP, lovely?

BigArea Thu 28-Nov-13 23:33:20

urgh bold fail.

mosp Thu 28-Nov-13 23:39:00

You are being so kind, sticking around and talking to me!

I know she is unconvinced. She's a sensitive sort, and she picks up on things that I didn't think I had ever mentioned overtly in her hearing. I must just be a lousy mother sad

On one hand, I know that I don't have the option to kill myself. My dds have nobody else, and I can't risk their father getting his hands on them. On the other hand, there are times when I feel I'm not in my own body and I daydream of ways to go.

BigArea Thu 28-Nov-13 23:46:36

I think it is really important that you speak to your GP about these thoughts. Really really important. Can you book an appointment tomorrow?

mosp Thu 28-Nov-13 23:48:53

Really, there is no point.

BigArea Thu 28-Nov-13 23:50:59

mosp I am worried about you sad Have you spoken to the counsellor about these daydreams?

mosp Thu 28-Nov-13 23:52:38

Also, one of my friends (who knows about this) is a GP. She would probably act if she thought I should be sectioned or something grin

mosp Thu 28-Nov-13 23:54:48

I suppose I just assume that either I'll recover or this will be the death of me. I'm trying, honestly. I don't feel depressed, I don't think.

mosp Thu 28-Nov-13 23:56:29

I'm really sorry. Please don't let an internet random make you feel worried. (I'm amazed you can feel 'worry' on the sertraline, by the way. I never could!)

BigArea Fri 29-Nov-13 00:00:06

Ha not quite what I was getting at! Have you told her about these thoughts though?

BigArea Fri 29-Nov-13 00:01:52

Sorry I'm being v slow hence cross posts. Keep forgetting my tablets so have just put them on top of bedside cabinet rather than in the cupboard. Do feel SO much better though despite that.

mosp Fri 29-Nov-13 00:03:30

I've told my friend, sort of in passing. Not told counsellor though. Only because we have such a lot to do in only one hour and it goes so quickly as it is! Plus, I don't really see it as something that can be helped in isolation.

BigArea Fri 29-Nov-13 00:04:18

God I'm still catching up here! I know you're trying, you are working so hard it is clear. But having intrusive thoughts is a red flag to me so might be worth speaking to GP or your friend in case meds might help support you through this eviscerating process x

mosp Fri 29-Nov-13 00:04:25

I'm really really glad you're feeling the benefits of the AD's.

BigArea Fri 29-Nov-13 00:07:53

Thank you, it's weird because it's made how I felt before seem like a distant dream IYSWIM - I know I was feeling pretty bad but I can't recall the feeling itself. I am pretty chuffed that I 'caught it early' and took action straight away. I hid my depression for months after DD was born. DH has actually just had the snip so at least I know I won't have to go through that again - but that's another thread smile

mosp Fri 29-Nov-13 00:07:54

I think I prefer to be off the meds while getting the counselling. When on sertraline, I can't cry or feel anything much positive or negative. Therefore, I don't think I would benefit from the counselling much and I would risk getting bad again when I came off them. Do you see what I mean?
Plus, believe it or not, I am way better now than I was a couple or three years ago. I was actively suicidal then, and constantly zoning out and getting flashbacks.

mosp Fri 29-Nov-13 00:19:35

x post (again). It is such a relief that you caught it in time, and that you are on the way up smile
Those meds are powerful, aren't they?!

BigArea Fri 29-Nov-13 00:22:51

Yep, completely get what you're saying. You have to inhabit the feeling and recognise it in all its agony to be able to process it properly. You're a champ mosp x

BigArea Fri 29-Nov-13 00:24:30

I must go to sleep now, will check back tomorrow. Have a peaceful night x (not sure kisses are de rigeur on here but sometimes feels a bit blunt to sign off without)

mosp Fri 29-Nov-13 00:25:24

Not been called a champ for ages (if ever)! Definitely better than being a chump or a chimp grin

You are a champ too!!

Better try to sleep now (although I'm not tired)

BigArea Fri 29-Nov-13 08:32:46

Morning - I must stop MNing at night, despite saying goodnight to you I was awake til gone 2am - stupid behaviour but I seem to get sucked in. I think it's a kind of hangover from the insomnia I used to struggle with. Anyway.

Hope you are ok this morning, have you got a busy day? It's my day off with DD (3.9) and no plans which is nice smile

yegodsandlittlefishes Fri 29-Nov-13 09:18:53

Mosp and Big, you are both champs, for sure!

Mosp, you have come such a long way and I really admire you. You have endured such a difficult chapter in your life, and have managed to bring that chapter to an end and move on. You have brought yourself and your DCs to safety. Getting over the past now and working through it to the truth is the last part to the next new chapter of your lives together. Sorry to be rambling a bit. I didn't want to just post and run.

I'm glad you've got friends around you, and ones who would get help for you if they saw you were in danger. Your safety is very important. Hope you have something nice planned. (I am going to attempt to make some Christmas gifts, if I can fit it around my chores.)

I had my first counselling session tosay ssince I had to cancel them.

yegodsandlittlefishes Fri 29-Nov-13 09:20:16

*yesterday, since the day I had to cancel them. (It was good!)

BigArea Fri 29-Nov-13 09:34:07

Glad your counselling session went well yegods

mosp Fri 29-Nov-13 15:31:25

yego - so pleased your counselling has resumed. Actually, has it? Was yesterday a one off or are you going every thursday now? Has that other commitment come to a conclusion now?

Big - I was the same last night. Took ages to go to sleep, and then was up early. I'll probably pay for it later!

Got a friend coming round for tea tonight, which is a nice end to a long day. I have been teaching piano for three hours solid (and walked another 3 hours to get there and back). Got one more lesson to give - at my home this time, (in ten minutes time) and then I can relax!!!

yegodsandlittlefishes Fri 29-Nov-13 22:52:18

Yes, should be every week, but will have to miss the odd one here and there for various reasons. Better than nothing. Still have the other commitment, which will continue for months if not years.

BigArea Fri 29-Nov-13 23:06:11

yegods sad I am pretty sure your other commitment is a Good Thing you are doing for someone else. So well done you. Brilliant to be back in counselling though even if you may have to miss some sessions.

mosp looking back through your thread you do seem better than you were at the beginning - or are you just giving the impression of? Hope you have had a lovely evening with your friend.

My grandma who is 95 fell and broke her femur earlier in the week and went into theatre at 1pm today to have it sorted. It is now 11pm and AFAIK she is still in there sad. Hope you don't mind me talking about this here - we expected her to be back on the ward around 6pm. I am just sat up waiting for news tonight.

BigArea Fri 29-Nov-13 23:11:23

Just heard she is back on the ward, phew.

yegodsandlittlefishes Fri 29-Nov-13 23:19:18

Oh Big, sorry to hear about your grandma's leg op taking so long. An ordeal for any 95 year old, I should think. Hope that you dont have to wait too much longer for news.

(Yes, it is a Good Thing, and that's a good way to think about it too, because on the face of it, it really isn't.)

BigArea Sat 30-Nov-13 00:00:11

Good, glad to hear you can think of it as a Good Thing. Sorry you can't talk about it more freely (assuming that might be helpful to you) but feel free to vent about it in principle because in my book a daily commitment is a big one. I fed my neighbour's cat for 3 weeks and that was enough for me...

My Grandma is ok, she survived the epic op and was back on the ward around 11pm. So must have been in surgery about ten hours total. Bloody hell. Will see what tomorrow brings. At the end of the day, it is what it is - she is 95 and breaking your leg at that age is fraught with risk.

Hope everyone sleeps well.

mosp Sat 30-Nov-13 00:20:44

Goodness, I am glad your grandma is alright big. You must have been worried.

I am feeling alright in the head at the moment, but it definitely fluctuates. When I first started this thread, I was feeling very shaken (which is why I started it).

Yego, I am pleased for you that your counselling is going to be regular.

I have been on my feet all evening. We (my friend and I) went late night Christmas shopping as my dd is at a friend's house for a sleepover, and then did a big supermarket shop. My feet feel like they're dropping off. I have also worked out that I have burnt nearly the same number of calories as I have eaten today! Just rectifying that with a lager smile

BigArea Sat 30-Nov-13 00:22:55

smile night night - i am shutting down now and taking half a zopiclone, off to visit friends tomorrow - have a good weekend.

evelynj Sat 30-Nov-13 01:22:17

Go yego. Remember you are awesome for whatever it is that you are doing. There's nothing like being there for someone in need.

Mosp, I have no idea if this is totally unhelpful but is there any way you could contact a local hypnotherapist re your trigger word & see if they'd be willing to give you a discount , take payment at a much later date if it helps or trade a session or two in exchange for your skills? (Bake a cake, iron some shirts, whatever). It may sound odd but you've got nothing to lose for asking & Don't ever underestimate the kindness of strangers. You are heading towards being in control of what happened to you & being able to overcome a phobia may help in some way in your journey.

I think you're incredibly brave to do what you're doing & hope you're feeling ok today. I haven't really any personal experience but take it one day at a time & be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself how you'd want your children to be treated & carry on posting, you've been getting good advice x

mosp Sat 30-Nov-13 22:42:41

evelynj, I think I will be best waiting a few years for hypnotherapy. I'm quite scared of it really - the process itself and also what I might discover, memory-wise. I hope that I might be able to overcome the phobia word by the counselling. Maybe that is unrealistic.

big, how is your grandma?

BigArea Sun 01-Dec-13 17:32:03

Hi mosp, weirdly this thread completely disappeared for me and I had to search your username to find it! Grandma is doing surprisingly well, thank you for asking. How are you today?

mosp Sun 01-Dec-13 23:03:57

How peculiar that it disappeared for you, but glad you managed to find it!

I'm alright today. Chasing my tail trying to get about a million jobs done (mostly self-inflicted, like hand making Christmas gifts). Church was fab today (as it pretty much always is) and my house looks all pretty and sparkly. smile Thanks for checking in.

How are you doing?

(I just realised that looks like what Joey from Friends would say!)

BigArea Mon 02-Dec-13 11:37:03

It's still not on my threads list! Have alerted MNHQ. We are all coldy but had a lovely weekend staying with friends in Hampton - went to Kew Gardens, lovely illuminated walk, carousel, helter skelter and a really lovely Santa's Grotto - DD (3.8) said "It was really nice to meet Santa, Mummy" - I will be gutted when she grows out of all that stuff smile

Grandma is amazing everyone with her recovery, she has even been out of bed and 'shuffling around' - what a trouper, and an inspiration (as well as being a massive relief of course). Am hoping to visit on Sat but won't go if still coldy as don't want to pass on.

Had a revelation at lights out last night - I am feeling contented! Hurrah for Sertraline. And thanks for your advice and support.

I love having the Christmas decs up, it makes everything lovely and cosy at home doesn't it. Glad you are doing ok (although get what you are saying re home made gifts, I have still not started with mine, eek!)

yegodsandlittlefishes Mon 02-Dec-13 12:43:14

I should be making gifts but need a couple of clear hours to clear up the mess, so keep putting it off.

Big, do you think you could have clicked on 'hide'by mistake so this thread doesn't show up on your lists? Just a though. It is rhe kind of thing I keep doing! (Glad your grandma is doing well, she sounds terrific!)

mosp Mon 02-Dec-13 20:21:20

Big, I am SO happy that you are now in a contented frame of mind smile That is such good news!!

I didn't make much headway today with my chores (but that's alright because I had a long telephone convo with my best friend ever).

This evening, dd and I iced the Christmas cakes and she decorated them with sugar paste holly leaves and berries.

Yego, hope you are making progress with your gift-making smile

BigArea Tue 03-Dec-13 18:48:47

Yego you are a genius! Kate Mumsnet has revealed to me how to unhide a thread previously hidden by sausage fingers fgrin. How are you doing today?

mosp sounds lovely and festive at home, is everyone happier? You've got counselling tomorrow haven't you?

What are you both making? I am meant to be doing a changing bag and baby bjorn type thing for DD's new baby doll so I had really better get cracking - have left it way too late as usual. Tell me what you've been doing to get me inspired to start.

mosp Tue 03-Dec-13 20:57:04

I've accidentally hidden my own thread in the past! (Not this one). I forget how I got it back. Glad you got it sorted big

I am just making edible treats to make up mini hampers for some of my friends. The only trouble with that is that I can't do too much in advance do I have to get the timing right.

The Christmas after I escaped from exh (in 2003), I was feeling SO joyful and full of emotional energy, I hand stitched a fabric advent calendar. Nowadays, I wonder how on earth I found the time!!

Yes, counselling tomorrow. Feel both excited (because it is always good to see her) and apprehensive (because I generally spend the next day in or close to tears).

BigArea Tue 03-Dec-13 22:03:02

What time is your session? Come here if you need to offload. I hope it goes well. I am off to bed now as was still wide awake at 4am so I am exhausted.

yegodsandlittlefishes Tue 03-Dec-13 22:04:28

I just have fat fingers and a very tiny keypad on my phone, big! (But if Mumsnet towers would like to pay me for a few hours a day, I am available if worki g from home!grin)

I've been making some smelly soaps and crocheted little bags to put them in (makes them into scrubby things and they hang in the shower nicely). Only the bags I've made are mostly too big because I cant find the big soap mould I've just bought. Have got all the soaps wrapped and labelled though. Can't decide whether to make more so haven't packed away and so place is a tip.

Other than that am a bit low for no particular reason and my shoulder joint keeps playing up annoyingly. sad

BigArea Wed 04-Dec-13 12:11:04

Oh sorry to hear you are feeling low yego sad. It can be a viscious (sp) cycle with mess, pain and feeling low. Will come back later and see how you are.

BigArea Wed 04-Dec-13 22:13:28

Good evening friends. How are you both this evening? Mosp I hope your session was ok/constructive and you are not feeling too wrung out. Yego I hope you are feeling a bit better now.

My house is still a tip and I haven't started on my sewing but OTOH DH is removing DD from our bed so I am about to get in it. I am just shaking off a horrible cold and still feeling knackered. Just made plans to go and visit my Grandma on Friday so that's good. Wishing you both a peaceful night x

mosp Wed 04-Dec-13 23:46:40

Hi. I am kind of here. Today was not hard in any way I can pin point, but I still feel wretched.
Hope you both alright. yego, are you feeling better today?
Thanks for being there big

BigArea Thu 05-Dec-13 00:05:18

Hey mosp . Sorry you are feeling down today. Try to get a decent sleep (she says, still up 2 hrs after meaning to go to bed). Tomorrow is another day x

mosp Thu 05-Dec-13 08:56:47

I am just wasting her time. I can't even identify properly what is the matter with me. I'm not a real person sad
She spends so long trying to help me. She's too nice and I don't deserve it.
I need to admit defeat now.
I need to acknowledge that I am a pathetic person who can't move on from a trivial thing SIXTEEN years ago. Let's face it, it wasn't so terrible compared to most people's problems. Even when I compare it with what my ex did to me, I know which was worse (more life threatening/abusive/cruel).
So why oh why don't I just pull myself together?

yegodsandlittlefishes Thu 05-Dec-13 09:34:23

Hugs!

Some truths for you to tell yourself gently:

You are not wasting anybody's time. It takes a lot of time, it is not wasted (but will remain unresolved if you give up now.)
How can a patient identify what is the matter with them? Is that necessarily something that is relevant? (There is nothing 'the matter' with you, your body is doing what all bodies do and you are doing the best you can to deal with the healthy, natural scarring. It is like removing scar tissue, but it cannot be done surgically. You don't get this way from a trivial thing'.)
You are still in transition as a person. You cannot be pinned down.
She isn't 'too' anything and neither are you.
You do not need to admit defeat ever. This isn't going to just go away, but it will get better.
You are not pathetic. Do not say that to yourself again. It isn't a nice thing to say to a person, and certainly not to someone who is down because of being mistreated.
(Something happened to me 28 years ago that I still have not fully recovered from and never will completely. That does not make me a pathetic person, even though to most people (including the rest of my first family) it is considered a trivial thing. It wasn't about the thing, it was about the events leading up to it and afterwards and how it changed a key relationship in my life. It affects how I relate to everyone else, including my children. That is why it is important to keep on with the counselling.)

You are pulled together. You're just reassessing and you are still in the part where 'it is harder' before it gets better. It will get better, but there is no rushing it. You must rest and not dwell on it between sessions.

I've read that limiting yourself to just 10 minutes morning and afternoon to think any negative thoughts is extremely helpful.

(My shoulder is still painful. I am going to see if I can avoid putting my arm under my pillow when I sleep and see if that helps at all. It is getting me down because I am scared it could be the start of something like lupus).

mosp Thu 05-Dec-13 10:06:23

I'm so sorry about your shoulder! That must be miserable sad

You are so kind to reply. I wish I could believe what you say. I just feel hopeless. (And I don't deserve people like you either).

BigArea Thu 05-Dec-13 10:09:49

Lovely post, yego and great advice. Mosp have another hug - you so are a real person and you completely deserve to feel better. The counsellor is being paid you know, you are not wasting her time at all - look how far you have come. You have felt better since the start of your thread, and now you are experiencing a low again. This too shall pass. Try to do something nice today - maybe have warm mince pies and hot choc with the girls after school. Much love x

BigArea Thu 05-Dec-13 10:10:14

PS sorry about your shoulder yego have you seen anyone about it? What makes you worry it's lupus?

BigArea Thu 05-Dec-13 10:23:32

mosp Sat 30-Nov-13 00:20:44
Goodness, I am glad your grandma is alright big. You must have been worried.

I am feeling alright in the head at the moment, but it definitely fluctuates. When I first started this thread, I was feeling very shaken (which is why I started it).

^See, you do feel ok sometimes. I do wonder my lovely whether you should think about speaking to the doc about meds again. I totally understand what you were saying before re not numbing your feelings and needing to work through them properly but I also think that you might need a bit of help riding out these peaks and troughs you are going through. Perhaps a different med or a lower dosage might suit you better and you might find that you get more out of the counselling if you feel a bit stronger in general.

Also, you are my first 'friend' on MN and I think you are lovely.

mosp Thu 05-Dec-13 10:45:42

Thank you. You made me cry with that!!
I'm supposed to be working right now. Will try to write more later. Hugs.

BigArea Thu 05-Dec-13 19:14:27

Hello, how was your day in the end? Did you manage to do anything nice?

mosp Thu 05-Dec-13 19:39:56

Well, I just got off skyping my dd1.
I had a friend round for a cuppa tea, but apart from that I've just been working (out and at home).
My counsellor lent me a book called '8 keys to safe trauma recovery'. I might try to read some of that now.
Next week she has suggested that we spend longer (so, nearly two hours rather than one) so that we can write a chronological account of my 'relationship' (very much in inverted commas because I can't think what else to call it) and then try to work out what was his fault and what was mine.
This is partly why I feel bad. She works SO hard for me. She will be trawling through the diary in advance, plus spending longer (but not charging more). Yesterday she had also worked on my behalf in advance of me coming.
She is so kind and I don't deserve it. What if I don't get well again? Then it will have all been for nothing sad
She told me yesterday that she can see in my eyes that I'm still mad about him.

BigArea Thu 05-Dec-13 22:50:10

I don't think people go into counselling to make big bucks or to give people a quick fix. It takes a certain kind of person to be able to do that, and you know she will be having regular 'supervision' sessions to make sure she is looking after herself and not draining herself with her work? Ultimately she is choosing to go the extra mile to help you - I would imagine because she can see that you are worth it and knows how hard you are working to process everything.

I'm not very articulate tonight but I guess I'm trying to say don't worry about your counsellor, she is a big girl and can look after herself, and she has chosen this job because she finds it rewarding.

Did you think about what I said re meds?

mosp Thu 05-Dec-13 23:19:43

I spoke to her briefly this evening and she did assure me that she is perfectly in control of her own boundaries so if she agrees or suggests a course of action, even if it necessitates extra work for her, I don't need to worry about it or feel guilty. I felt more at peace hearing that.

Re the meds, I was SO different to the real me on sertraline. I am convinced that it would hamper any counselling success were I to resume taking it. Plus, though it was comfortable feeling so 'neutral' all the time (when I took the sertraline), I realise now that the bare facts remained (and do remain) the same.

Erm...trying to think of how to explain what I mean. If I was on a sinking ship, being on sertraline might make me not care so much. However, the truth is still the same. The ship is still sinking whether I care much about it or not. In a similar way, though the sertraline may dull my sense of self-loathing for a time, the fact remains that I am still crap/defiled/useless etc. etc. (whether I feel it or not).

Does that make sense?

(yego - how is your shoulder?)

BigArea Thu 05-Dec-13 23:32:07

That's the word I was looking for, boundaries. Good glad you are more at peace with that now. I do understand re the sertraline but wondered if worth considering an alternative.

Must go to sleep, lots of driving tomorrow - dropping DD off at my dads en route to see Grandma (who has been walking!!! grin we are really pleased) - so prob 2 hrs there and an hour back to my dads where we will sleep over.

Yego I hope your shoulder is ok, did you manage to avoid the arm under pillow thing? V hard to break out if your default sleep position I imagine.

Hope you both have a good sleep and a good day tomorrow.

mosp Thu 05-Dec-13 23:49:05

I hope you have a fab day tomorrow, especially seeing your wonderful grandma!! Take care, and yes - get plenty of sleep so you can drive safely.

BigArea Fri 06-Dec-13 11:27:20

I'm not going - have had a horrid cold for ages, thought I was fighting it off earlier in the week but last night and this morning I have a nasty wheezy cough. So definitely not the time to visit the sick and elderly. Ah well, I am using the day to sit in my pyjamas get the house in order. I know this is sheer laziness but my mum did pay for a cleaner for me for ages when I was poorly, they have stopped recently and I struggle to get going with any cleaning. So the house is quite horrid sad Can anyone give me a kick up the bottom? I have dusted in DDs room and done a load of washing. Really need to change beds, vacuum and mop. Plus I have Antiopdean xmas cards to write and post...

mosp Fri 06-Dec-13 14:17:49

I know that feeling very well, of loads to do but just can't get started (or keep taking coffee breaks). Reminds of revising for exams!
Shame you didn't go, but wise decision not to.
Have you got a list of chores? The sense of achievement when ticking them off often spurs me on smile
Failing that, here's a kick up the backside for you: cake

...oh no, sorry! That was cake!

yegodsandlittlefishes Fri 06-Dec-13 17:29:40

How is the cleaning going, big? I decided to leave changing beds and keep putting off the vacuuming and mopping too.

This is the first day for ages that I haven't cried nearly all day for no apparent reason. Slept basly - need to not sleep on side with sore shoulder at all. It still hurts ro brush teeth/hair but I didn't wake up with it being the first thing I thought of.

(I'm thinking I have lupus because I get flare-ups of depression, fatigue/slowness/tiredness and other symptoms and already having trwatment for another auto-immune disease and am likely to get others.

yegodsandlittlefishes Fri 06-Dec-13 17:34:23

)

Sorry got distracted mid sentence.

mosp how are you getting on? I have managed to finish making and wrapping/presenting the soaps. I found the largwr mould I had lost and made bigger soaps to go with the bigger bags I've made and all's good.

Should really go and do some wrapping now.

BigArea Fri 06-Dec-13 19:33:48

ROFL at "oh no, sorry! That was cake!" fgrin

yego I am really sorry I didn't realise at all how bad you have been feeling sad And I am sorry about your physical health problems too that sounds grim. Glad you have had a better day today though. Can you manage to change your sleeping position to give your shoulder a break?

Today I have achieved the following:

Washed and (crucially) hung up a load of washing
Dusted (yes, dusted !!!) in DD's room
Wrote and posted antipodean christmas cards (a day or two after the recommended posting dates, but still a first for me!)
Took bag of stuff to charity shop
Had lunch out with DD (panini and chips, was v nice)
Went to library, returned books and came home with 6 new ones
Read all 6 books to DD
Played with DD's friend across the road

I am ignoring the grimy bathroom, bitty carpets and slightly stale bedlinen.

Ward closed due to infection so not going to see Grandma tomorrow. DH out on all day piss up wholesome Christmas celebration with his idiot lovely friends so will have evening to myself at home - and I will get started on my sewing. Might post pics if the new photo thing is working again.

yego your soaps sound lovely, pic please?

yegodsandlittlefishes Fri 06-Dec-13 22:40:42

You've done loads, Big!
Mostly, I've:

Found a wash in the machine from a couple of days ago, put it on to rewash. got it out and hung it up about 6 hours later (I'd forgotten it again until I read you'd done some washing!)
Found out my phone charger had broken so sorted that out.
Picked up parcel from sorting office (have had ticket since Monday).
Made 3 more soaps and wrapped last ones up. I discovered a special little thing about soaps. Promise you won't tell anyone, it can be our little secret: You know those little gold edible stars you can get? They are really pretty in clear soaps!
Finished crocheting last soap bag.
cooked lunch
Sorted some more pressies out. I think I must have zoned out a bit this afternoon. Can't remember what I did!
I got changed and did some (paid) work at home.
Showed Dd how to finish off her mug cozy.
Went to fish & chip shop.
DH was home when I got back (he works away in week) so we all kicked back and relaxed.

I have done more today than the whole of Monday - Thursday put together.

BigArea Fri 06-Dec-13 22:43:26

yego that sounds like a lovely and productive day, made me smile. I really want to see your soaps! smile Have never tried making any myself but have seen slow cooker recipes etc and toyed with the idea....

How are you mospy ?

mosp Sat 07-Dec-13 08:56:19

yego, I'm glad yesterday was better for you. It made me feel really sad that you've been so distressed these last few days, and also made me realise what a love you are - that you still found emotional energy to post kind things on this thread.
I would also love to see pics of those soaps. I wish I could crochet.

big, well done for getting SO much accomplished yesterday!! And you did well for not going so overboard with the chores that your dd missed out on your attention. You seem to have your priorities all straight smile

I have a long list to wade through today.

Was feeling quite anxious last night and didn't have it in me to post. My dd1 is away at the moment and as we were skyping I was overwhelmed with love for her and then FEAR that something is going to happen to her before I see her again. This is all based on absolutely NO evidence at all! (Don't worry - I didn't tell her that)

yegodsandlittlefishes Sat 07-Dec-13 10:00:34

Well done for not telling your dd about your fear, mosp. It could make her worry about you.

I get all kind of irrational fears. Mostly I can have a word with myself but when dealing with the unknown (when you've had a traumatic experience) it takes some considerable effort sometimes to believe that everything will be alright.
I am sure your dd is safe and with people who will be looking after her, and having a good time. They gain so much from time away (and seem to grow) it is a good thing to do.

BigArea Sat 07-Dec-13 21:31:30

Evening all, have lurked today because TBH I couldn't be bothered to do a proper post on my phone - it's fine for quickies or if desperate but I am so so much better on my laptop. So you lucky things get a much longer post fwink

Mosp being a parent is frankly terrifying. I imagine there's hardly a parent alive who doesn't worry for no real reason about something awful befalling their DCs. I know I do - the trick is not to dwell on it which is much easier to do when you are feeling good in general. And I am sure you are right yego when you have experienced a trauma it must be all the worse. Her being away must be hard - what's she doing? Hope she is having a good time. You seemed a bit better earlier on Friday (I did notice you made a joke smile) so I hope your anxiousness of the evening hasn't stuck with you. When will she be home?

How are you feeling today yego? How is the shoulder? And how are you emotionally? I hope you've had another better day. It must be hard with DH working away all week.

I've had a nice day today - v lazy morning in my jammies, then DH went out with his friends at lunchtime, DD and I went to the greasy spoon at the end of our road for lunch. She cuddled up on my lap and went to sleep which was actually so lovely - took me right back to when she was a baby <soppy>. Eventually I woke her up and we continued on our planned trip to the park. We saw the resident heron fishing off the little island, and (and this made my day) I saw a kingfisher in the lake. I have never seen one before and was gobsmacked as they normally live by running water. Lovely smile. Came home, put together some pre cut paper bunting with DD which we then used to decorate the guinea pigs' cage. Had pizza for our tea and she has gone to bed.

mosp I loved that you said this "you did well for not going so overboard with the chores that your dd missed out on your attention. You seem to have your priorities all straight" - yep, that was exactly what I planned fgrin

Today I've:
>done a load of normal washing
>stripped and remade both beds, and now my whites (our bedding and shower curtain etc) are washing
>cleaned the bath as otherwise DD would have got out dirtier than she went in
>Once I finish this post I shall get cracking on this changing bag I'm making for DD's baby doll. Wanted to post pics of the fabrics to show you but photo thing has vanished again.

Hope you are both ok and having a relaxing evening.

yegodsandlittlefishes Sat 07-Dec-13 22:54:53

Good to see you big. Loving your updates. fsmile

I haven't done much today, rested when I could. Added soap photos to my profile.

Today is a mixed bag emotionally. Complicated though, so won't go into details on here.

mosp If you're reading, hugs to you and hope that you are able to find happy distractions and ways to relax. I do appreciate this thread. Summing up the will and words to encourage and finding something positive to say is sometimes hard for me, but really it is a good thing for me to do, and a gift to myself as well. This is a safe place for me that you've made here. So thank you.

mosp Sat 07-Dec-13 23:20:49

yego, I love them!! Your lucky recipients!!

Tbh, every time I think about the thing with my dd, I go cold and sweaty with fear. I have kind of convinced myself to prepare for disaster. I don't know what I will do without her sad

To explain, she is on a kind of exchange. She's in Germany at school for 6 months so that she can get fluent. Meanwhile, I am looking after her cousin (from Germany) who is at school here (and improving his English). Dd2 did the same earlier this year.

Still working my way through the book my counsellor lent me. "8 keys for safe trauma recovery". I'm starting to realise a very sad truth: On one level, I don't want to recover. I'm so used to my status and my reality, I'm scared of what I might find if I ever change.

How have you been with your shoulder yego? And by the way, I'm pleased if this thread has been a help for you too.

Big, you've had another amazingly productive day! You're on a roll smile

I was so busy all day, I forgot to eat. Then it got to 9pm and I was at a concert. Ended up eating truck loads of canapes in the interval, I was so hungry! [naughty]

BigArea Sat 07-Dec-13 23:21:12

yego They look amazing!!! You are so clever, I would be absolutely delighted to receive one of those beauties fsmile Your profile made me laugh too (PT Cat herder fgrin!)

You are a lovely person. Sorry you have had a difficult day, I hope you have a good sleep tonight. Glad you are getting something out of this thread, I was wondering earlier whether my updates are too bright eyed and bushy tailed, and might be irritating if you have been feeling pants that day. Please tell me if that is the case! I am sure the time will come when I am the one doing the leaning. I love our thread. Night night both thanks

BigArea Sun 08-Dec-13 09:03:12

mosp only just realised we Xposted last night! 6 months is a long time for her to be away so young - brilliant thing to do but totally understandable that you are finding it tough. I thought she was away for a week or something! Quite apart from worrying about her you must miss her enormously. I bet this will be really really good for you both though. Have you spoken to your counsellor about how anxious you have been about DD1?

I am a bit tired this morning - DD has a lovely t shirt with a butterfly applique on it which is beaded and sequinned - she has outgrown it so last night I cut the applique out, and sewed it onto a new long sleeved t shirt in a v close colour. I am pleased with the outcome, fingers crossed she will like it! Anyway the upshot of that was that I started work on the bag quite late and didn't go to bed til half 2 shock Have made good progress though - the quilted outer part of the bag is done smile

Hope you both have a good day today.

mosp Sun 08-Dec-13 19:22:26

I wish I was good at sewing like you! Your dd is lucky to have a talented mother!

How are you feeling today yego?

I just had the neighbours round for a drink and a chat. They've lived next door for 4 years and this is the first time I (or either of us) has organised to get together! Terrible really, as we do get on well when we see each other going in or coming out etc.

yegodsandlittlefishes Sun 08-Dec-13 20:51:57

Shoulder is still sore. Have had a few much needed laughs today and managed to get down to the sports club the DCs go to and socialise a little. Still had enough energy to go out for a meal, which was lovely. Now I'm in bed with the cat snuggled up with me. I've made a start on my next ceaft projects: thin fingerless wool gloves and a waffle stitch mobius scarf for DD2. She said she liked one we saw in a shop and I decided I could have a go waffle stitch is new to me, so I'm picking it up from YouTube. So far so good. There's a small mistake in the first row, but I don't think she'll mind.

BigArea Sun 08-Dec-13 23:33:20

Wow sounds like you have both had very lovely and sociable days. Well done mosp for inviting your neighbours round - that's a really nice thing to do. Yego sports club and dinner - very impressive! I presume you are knitting for your DD? Sounds lovely and I am sure she will not even spot your wee mistake. mosp I'm not at all sure I could be classed as talented, but I do enjoy making stuff <badly> grin Will post a photo when finished. Wishing you both a peaceful slumber x

BigArea Thu 12-Dec-13 11:43:14

Hello mosp and yego how are you both doing this week? I have kept checking thread for messages but not got round to posting myself. Hope you are both ok and yego your shoulder is a bit better and mosp you are feeling alright after your session yesterday.

It's my 37th birthday on Sat. We're off to my Mum's tomorrow, and we are all getting the train into London on Sat to see the Sadlers Wells production of The Snowman. Will be lovely.

Wishing you both love and festiveness fsmile

mosp Thu 12-Dec-13 13:33:50

Happy birthday big!!

I'm struggling so bad. Can't even really type it. This is going to eventually kill me sad

yegodsandlittlefishes Thu 12-Dec-13 13:45:59

Happy birthday for Saturday big!

I should be getting a call back from GP today to talk over finding out what else is wrong with me. I am a bit nervous about it but DH keeps saying there's nothing wrong with me. He thinks that will help. (When I told him I think I have lupus, he said, 'is that the one where you turn into a werewolf?'

mosp So sorry you've been struggling. Take one day at a time, that is all any of us can do.

BigArea Thu 12-Dec-13 23:26:16

Mospy massive hugs to you. It won't kill you unless you let it. Just take one day at a time, post here if it helps, and know we are thinking of you xxx feel free to pm if you prefer

Yego was your DH serious about there being nothing wrong with you? It doesn't sound like nothing to me. Good to get it investigated as fully as possible as I am sure a diagnosis would help (provided they don't announce that you actually are a werewolf grin)

Just got back from epic trip to see my grandma. She was rushed into a main hosp last night with elevated heart rate and trouble breathing. She's ok now and back at the cottage hosp but I decided I should go just in case. I'd never regret going, but I might seriously regret not going, IYSWIM. 6hrs driving and spent an hour with her - knacks ring but well worth it.

Off to bed now but thinking of you both xx

BigArea Fri 13-Dec-13 09:31:33

mosp sorry if my post last night was a bit flippant sounding and unhelpful. You're having a really bad patch aren't you. I really do wonder if you ought to go to the GP again xxx

yegodsandlittlefishes Sat 14-Dec-13 08:28:04

Hope you both have a good weekend.

Keep posting, mosp, let us know how you're getting on.

Doc said (on the phone) unlikely to be lupus as I have had a test (related to other auto immunity) which was negative. He's given me an appointment next week. Now of course, my shoulder is feeling much better and I'm feeling guilty that I'm taking up an appointment as rare as hen's teeth based on a collection of minor ailments. It's a viscious circle.

Im all too familiar with that feeling of wasting professional's time. Avoidance is not an option though. Avoidance results in life limiting choices to just cope and get by. I must go to the appointment.

Mosp, how lovely for your daughters to be bilingual and have access to such a great education! One of my DC's friends is bilingual and I think she will probably do something similar in a year or two. It must be very hard for you, and it is a testament to your courage and coping abilities that you are able to arrange this for both your children. You have gone through this with one child already, so you know it will be alright this time as well. It must be fun to have a video link with your child like that.

mosp Sat 14-Dec-13 22:13:40

Happy birthday for today big!!!! I hope you are having fun. How was The Snowman production??

Sorry for being a bit off radar. I was feeling quite bad. Can't really describe it, but just couldn't bring myself to try to explain it so I hibernated. Can't say how I feel right now. Just a bit hollow I suppose.

I have been listening to good uplifting music, which has helped a lot though smile Also, had a conversation with one if our ministers at church, and something clicked in my head that I have probably been told time and again! That's just the way it is sometimes, isn't it?! It was a bit of a weird conversation because, though he knows I'm 'not alright', he doesn't know any details (of course, because I barely tell anyone in rl).

yego, I'm glad your shoulder has been less sore, but I agree that you should still go to your appointment. It's Sod's law though, isn't it - that the symptoms disappear just as you need them to prove they are real!

Looking forward to our church carol service tomorrow. Are you going to a carol service?

yegodsandlittlefishes Sun 15-Dec-13 00:00:09

Happy Birthday big!

mosp Mon 16-Dec-13 20:19:49

Hello!

yego, when is your appointment? Hope it goes well for you.

big, did you have a fun birthday?

I'm okay. Just thought I should report that smile

BigArea Mon 16-Dec-13 22:09:44

Hello! Great to hear that you are ok mosp. You did really well to pull yourself up out of it. I am glad you talk with the minister helped you.

yego you are very wise. I am glad you don't have lupus, definitely go to the appointment and describe the pain even if it is not as bad now.

I had such a lovely birthday thank you, The Snowman was magical and I was entranced myself and also loved turning to watch DD's reaction smile - lovely.

Not long til Christmas now and I should be sewing instead of typing.... then there's all the wrapping to do <groan> - but I love it all, it's so worth it. Are your preparations going to plan?

mosp Mon 16-Dec-13 22:34:26

I've still got loads of wrapping to do! And a little more shopping. I always try to be prepared in advance but it never happens!
Happy sewing smile

BigArea Wed 18-Dec-13 22:04:32

I've finished the changing bag! Baby carrier will have to wait til her birthday. Pic on profile. Hope you are both doing well x

mosp Wed 18-Dec-13 23:06:17

That changing bag is amazing and looks professionally made!! Wow!

I hate to put a downer here (and I expect no one is around anymore) but I am not feeling alright. That is a huge understatement.

Weirdly, I was just thinking earlier today that I am much better. Then I had a HARD counselling session and now I feel suicidal. I mean, I am not going to actually kill myself because I don't have a choice (my dds) but I wish I was dead.

I am completely at fault. I brought the whole calamity down on myself. There is so much to unravel and I can't do it.

I had to go out and socialise this evening. It was torture. Even now, back home, I am not free to cry because dd2 is still awake.

BigArea Thu 19-Dec-13 00:03:13

Sorry lovely I've only just seen your post. Sorry you are feeling so dreadful. Hugs to you. If you can, try to remember that this comes in waves - you are in the grip of one now and if you can ride it out, the calm will come in between. Try to look back and remember times recently when you have felt better and take courage from that. You will come through it and live to fight another day. This does not mean you will never feel better again. Much love to you mosp

BigArea Thu 19-Dec-13 00:05:44

And I bet that the fact your session was so bloody hard means it was also very useful, even though it doesn't feel like that now. Would you be able to ask for another chat with your minister? It might be comforting for you and you wouldn't have to tell him anything you didn't want to

mosp Thu 19-Dec-13 00:10:30

Thank you for being there.

I just wish it had never happened. My diary is shocking and makes me want to be sick. I have no one to blame but myself. How did I turn into a totally different person like that??? I hate myself. I need to cause some damage sad

Sorry, this prob makes so sense. I can't get my head straight.

BigArea Thu 19-Dec-13 00:49:10

Of course you wish that love, that's a completely sensible thing to wish. And I think I get why you are so angry with yourself. From what you've explained though here is my understanding:

He attacked you grievously which had an immense and immediate impact on your psyche

He then stalked you and ground you down when as a result of the emotional damage the attack had done you were unable to see or think clearly, and unable to keep yourself safe from him

Even so you continued to make it clear that you did not want his advances, but he forced then on you anyway.

Eventually you got shot of him - bloody well done

You then fell into a relationship with an abusive man - unsurprisingly by this stage you found it hard to see what was healthy and normal

But then - you got shot of him too!!!

You are now beating yourself over the head with all sorts of unhelpful thoughts about how it was all your fault.

Mosp I hope this outside view might help you a little bit tonight, please be kind to yourself and try to get some sleep. I'll be back tomorrow x

BigArea Thu 19-Dec-13 00:49:48

Ps in case it wasn't clear from my post I think you are a fighter and a survivor

mosp Thu 19-Dec-13 07:33:09

Sadly it is more complex than that.

He stalked me unrelentingly. He looked so sad for weeks because I was refusing to speak to him. He spoke to all my friends and denied what he did/played it down.

I was softening towards him though. He ground my resolve right down. My friends half believed him. Eventually he had me right where he wanted me. I was a puppet. I hated myself because it seemed that I needed him to keep wanting me. I walked repeatedly into situations with him where I knew the outcome. My protests were weak and feeble.

Only after he had conquered me did he finally admit what he really did on that first night. But...I still can't remember because of the amnesia.

Honestly, if you saw my diary you would agree - this is ALL my own fault.

I'm weighed down with this. I feel I could literally collapse at any moment. I feel like smashing my head on a wall.

yegodsandlittlefishes Thu 19-Dec-13 09:28:08

I have found that I blame myself as a coping mechanism for dealing with fear of the unknown. (If I was to blame, I can be in control, I can change and do things differently). However, blaming myself also makes me depressed as in another way, I am powerless to make effective change.

So, there might be things you can learn about from your diary that empower you to change and be able to, say, set boundaries. But you are not responsible for another person's actions. The puppet is not responsible for the puppeteer, and if he was manipulating your friends, you were coming across too many circumstances where you were being persuaded into falling for his traps. I don't see how his stalking or manipulation or agression is your fault.

There are relationships of codependency where one person plays,say, a passive role and another an active role. Is that the kind of thing you mean? You look back and think 'if only i had done this or said that it would have happened differently'? It isn't a choice you could have made though. Even if it were, beware of victim blaming. I've been in that kind of dance where in order to get out of it I needed to change my behaviour, and that had an effect on my partner's behaviour and so we then related to each other differently. My partner was not a stalker though, stalking is not part of building a relationship.

BigArea Thu 19-Dec-13 11:37:59

Wise post as always yego. I hope you're well.

Mosp I am sorry I over simplified it but I still stand by the gist of what I said - you were injured by the attack emotionally and intellectually (although invisible this is just as significant as a physical injury) which made you extremely vulnerable to this manipulative abusive man. And it was abuse, there is no doubt about that.

There are many many threads on here by women who stay in abusive relationships for some time. I am willing to bet you don't blame them for that and you really ought to cut yourself the same slack. Something I gained from my CBT was to try and treat myself as I would treat a friend. So things I was condemning myself for I would think what I'd say to a friend who had done the same, and suddenly I realised I was not as awful a person as I thought.

Give yourself a hug and hang in there - this too shall pass and you will feel better again.

mosp Thu 19-Dec-13 13:36:32

This is going to kill me. And then they'll call me selfish. This is not something I can ever ever recover from.
Sorry. I honestly really do appreciate everyone's efforts to help me, both here and in rl. It is no one's fault that I am unhelpable. Sorry.

yegodsandlittlefishes Thu 19-Dec-13 18:51:08

One day at a time. You have come such a long way, and tiu have accepted help offered and asked for help. You've got to an unexpected bumpy part of the journey and it's obscuring your view. None of us have a clear view of the future.

BigArea Thu 19-Dec-13 20:28:09

Lovely just hang in there and ride out this rough patch. You've felt like this before and come out the other side - read through our thread and you'll see that. We will be here for you to listen however you are feeling and whatever you want to say x

BigArea Fri 20-Dec-13 13:02:26

Thinking of you mosp

mosp Fri 20-Dec-13 15:09:26

Thank you. I am just trying not to think about it and keep busy so that the intrusive thoughts are kept at bay.
Today is okay so far.
Thank you for caring.

The counselling is just so hard sad. I feel like I'm right back there and still trapped.

However, it is amusing when she comes to bits of my diary written in another language and trying to pronounce it grin! I used to mix and match languages a bit, depending on whether I was relaying conversations or sometimes just because a word takes up less space (e.g. 'Rien' is shorter than 'nothing'). Well, in my defence, I never expected anyone else to ever read it!

mosp Fri 20-Dec-13 17:25:47

yego, how is your shoulder?? And did you get any joy from your appointment? X

yegodsandlittlefishes Fri 20-Dec-13 21:48:40

It is slowly getting better, too slowly for my liking but will get there. Dr says it is nothing serious, no infection or tears etc, and not arthritis or any reason to think it would happen again. I am still anaemic, probably the cause of the depression, poor memory, fatigue etc and so have upped dose of iron, and should take more if needed.

BigArea Fri 20-Dec-13 22:38:25

Oh that's positive then yego - I hope the iron helps you (watch out for constipation though, sorry if TMI but nobody warned me about that when on iron post birth (massive blood loss) and the consequences were the most hideous thing and now I always advise anyone on iron to have laxatives to hand).

Did he say what might actually be causing the pain in your shoulder? Have you tried osteopath/chiro/sports massage? I am v glad it's not lupus though. What is the AI disease you do suffer from?

yegodsandlittlefishes Fri 20-Dec-13 23:04:33

Hashimotos. So that could be one cause of the low iron, and am just generally low/don't have enough. Yes, have the prune juice and califig and lots of fruit to hand!

Have tried chiro in the past for shoulder and have been doing exercises I remember, which help a lot. Just don't have the money for chiro these days.

Have new glasses on today, and getting a headache from them. Hope they settle in soon!

BigArea Fri 20-Dec-13 23:47:57

Hope you are looking suitably brainy in your new glasses - hope head feels better soon fsmile

Shall now google Hashimotos - sounds like you have something of a niche condition?

Mospy your post made me smile re foreign languages - why not, you were using all vocab at your disposal! Poor counsellor attempting to pronounce correctly - bet she didn't foresee that in her training! Have you seen 'the french thread' this week - tres amusant fgrin although I couldn't follow it for long.

good that you are finding yourself able to carry on 'doing'. It is great if you can let yourself have some respite from the processing of stuff in between counselling sessions. Sounds like this week was a doozy so you are doing v v well to be coping better so soon after.

How is Christmas prep going? I have sorted DDs presents for her friends, and wrapped all her stuff so that's out the way. Have phase 1 - DHs family - this weekend so am now wrapping those. DH, DF, DSMum and Dsis next, and then DM and DSdad after Xmas. Presents are currently zoned around the house for accurate distribution. Feel slightly like mini Amazon warehouse. All good though.

mosp Sat 21-Dec-13 08:31:42

Just googled hashimoto's. Goodness yego- you have a lot to deal with sad. Do you take regular thyroid medication for that?

I know that new-glasses-feeling! Whenever I get a new prescription it feels like I'm going to slip off the edge of the world. Well, that's obv an exaggeration, but everything seems to slope dangerously (I have astigmatism as well as short-sightedness). I hope you get used to yours soon.

I have been meaning to ask you both - what do your user names mean or how did you choose them? Mosp is an acronym for "mother of sweet peas" because both my dds have a name starting with a P. Bit silly really, but I needed a name change in a hurry. Then it just stuck.

I had better do some wrapping today.

You have been very organised big. I love that your house looks like an amazon storehouse.

Wishing you both a constructive, happy, peaceful and pain free day!! X

yegodsandlittlefishes Sun 22-Dec-13 20:20:21

Went to a candlelit carol service tonight at a church we hadn't been to before. It was really lovely.

My name comes from something people from my childhood used to say sometimes. It is the sort of exclamation which fits in a lot on MN!

Hope you have both had easy going days.

mosp Tue 24-Dec-13 08:33:27

Happy Christmas!!!!!

yegodsandlittlefishes Tue 24-Dec-13 08:40:17

Happy Christmas mosp and bigarea and anyone else who peeks into this thread over the next day or two.

BigArea Tue 24-Dec-13 11:40:22

Wishing you both a warm cosy and happy Christmas smile

My user name comes from a very immature double entendre about a Then Jericho song which I made at an 80s festival in the summer. Couldn't think of a better nickname at the time and still can't now! I've wondered what mosp stood for (and think it's very sweet) but have heard 'ye gods...' before smile

Hope you are both feeling well and have a lovely day tomorrow xxxx

BigArea Thu 26-Dec-13 21:35:06

Hello, just checking in to see if you are both surviving the festive season! Hope all is well

mosp Thu 26-Dec-13 22:33:30

Yes, we are alright. Missing dd1 hugely though, but only one month now until I get her back. She must be happy though - she has not tried to contact me smile

We always spend Christmas with my brother and family. They are lovely and hospitable, but I always feel a bit homesick. Also, they are well off and I'm not so I always feel that keenly! However, my dd2 has been loving being with her cousins!

How are you??

BigArea Fri 27-Dec-13 18:45:56

Awww that's bittersweet isn't it - I'd not computed that she would be away for Christmas. Chistmas with your brother and niecephews sounds lovely.

How was your Christmas yego?

We had a lovely time thank you, feeling very lucky. Although had the seasonal row with DSis today over sleeping arrangements when DM and DSdad come to stay tomorrow (that's 6 people, a large dog and 2 guinea pigs in a 3 bed) - have rearranged everything to madam's liking now, DH and I shall be in the lounge with the GPs! grin gah I was so annoyed with her but over it now. Fa la la la and all that

yegodsandlittlefishes Sat 28-Dec-13 21:00:54

Hello there. Had a lovely Christmas day. Now staying by the sea in a flat DH has rented for a while until his contract down here finishes. All rather lovely, but no wifi, so posting has been pretty tricky (have attempted several times!)
Hope you're both enjoying the break.

mosp Tue 31-Dec-13 11:42:20

Just checking in to say happy new year to you!!

I have to buy a new diary today. Hope you have fun things planned smile

BigArea Tue 31-Dec-13 13:00:16

Happy new year! Wishing you both a good 2014.

yegodsandlittlefishes Wed 01-Jan-14 19:45:48

Happy new year! Still staying by the sea, enjoying long walks and fresh air.

BigArea Sun 12-Jan-14 17:53:42

Hello both, how are you? I am well, although DD is poorly this weekend bless her so I have been doing lots of soothing and laundry smile. Hope 2014 is shaping up well for you both.

yegodsandlittlefishes Sun 12-Jan-14 18:26:35

I'm doing alright. carrying on with my walking and working out when to increase vitamins to manage this. Had a weird encounter with someone in a local shop telling me I'm 'always in there asking stupid questions' which upset me a bit (it's not true, I've asked sensible questions twice grin ) and it has made me determined to keep walking in my local area and not be put off by it.

I wasn't looking where I was going today, got out of car and fell down the steps out of the car park and grazed my knees! Still managed a 3 mile walk though. smile

Hope your DD is better soon, bigarea!

How are you doing, mosp?

BigArea Mon 13-Jan-14 22:04:12

Well done re walking that sounds great. Is it rural where you live? Sorry about weird encounter, sounds like it was their issue rather than yours - but would have shaken me too. Good for you not letting it put you off though.

yegodsandlittlefishes Tue 14-Jan-14 11:45:53

Local area is urban, so felt a bit odd. Lots of people walk their dogs (wish they would all clean up after them) as the back roads are fairly quiet with good pavements. There's a more rural park I walk to in the summer but it's very muddy when it's had a bit of rain.

Hope mosp is ok.

BigArea Tue 14-Jan-14 19:23:10

Me too I'm just going to PM her as I think she might get an email that way. Bit odd 'going for a walk' in an urban area I agree, we were v v v urban (city centre flat) when DD was born and I had to run the gauntlet of drunks, dealers and untrained dogs running free to get anywhere. I hope you're not dealing with any of the above! We're out of the city centre now and right next to a gorgeous park which is heaven.

mosp Tue 14-Jan-14 19:59:37

Hi, and thanks for the PM and for asking after me both of you.

I am alright, thank you. Just not been on mumsnet for a while - sorry. I tend to try to avoid anything that reminds me of my issues when I'm feeling alright, and that includes my own thread! But I realise that was selfish (and also silly because that is the only way I can find out how you two are doing)!

A while ago, I started a thread in secondary ed about my dd. Somehow, I must have expressed myself badly because one person called me 'entitled' (many things I am, but 'entitled' is not one of them!!) and then I felt it was getting derailed and accusatory. I hid the thread quite promptly, so I have no idea if it died or what happened. I really do need to get over my fear of conflict. It rules me!!

On Sunday night, I received a message from an unexpected source on fb. Shall I tell you about it? I am not really sure if I should put it on mn.

yegodsandlittlefishes Wed 15-Jan-14 21:08:04

Glad you're alright, mosp. I hate conflict too, and get really irrationally upset by it.

Not sure what to say about the fb message...If you don't feel you should post about it on mn, then don't. As long as you do have someone to talk it over with somewhere...You can always pm me/us. smile

BigArea Wed 15-Jan-14 21:28:12

Hello, so glad to hear you are ok. Don't feel bad for not being on here much, that is the beauty of mumsnet nobody can hassle you (until they start PMing you smile). I don't blame you for hiding that other thread I hate that sort of thing too.

Feel free to PM if you want to share something you don't want to post on the boards - not sure if you can do a group message or not? I might have a go. Really glad you are doing ok anyway Mospy smile

BigArea Wed 15-Jan-14 21:29:59

Well, it said 'your message has been sent' - you will have to see if it actually arrives with either/both/neither of you! smile

BigArea Wed 15-Jan-14 21:40:13

Right mosp received my message but there isn't a reply all option - mosp how about asking for your thread to be moved to OTBT? Or starting a new one there? Would that be ok?

mosp Wed 15-Jan-14 21:44:01

Good idea - I will go to OTBT smile

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