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I've just realised I've been having postnatal hallucinations, delusions and psychotic features. Petrified.

(50 Posts)
Milkhell Wed 09-Oct-13 15:53:15

What am I going to do?

I've been to GPs, health visitors, crisis team, psychiatrist, counsellors.

Basically I had a DS two and a half years ago and suffered from extreme postnatal anxiety which I never recovered from.

Had DD 17 months postpartum.

I've once again had extreme problems but could never put my finger on what was wrong with me, although I know that it's anxiety/depression.

However I've just realised I've been having hallucinations. A few months ago I felt like my brain was curling. Everybody just out it down to my anxiety. I've just found out that this is in fact a hallucination.

I'm now getting frequent new feelings that I can't explain. This is apparently a feature of psychosis.

I'm absolutely shitting it. Yes I have anxiety to ridiculous levels but this knowledge has just absolutely freaked me out to a new level.

None of my support system are prepared to acknowledge this and none of the health professionals seem concerned in the slightest as I don't want to kill myself or harm anyone else.

My life is a living nightmare and I'm not waking up from it. What the fuck am I supposed to do next?

TCOB Wed 09-Oct-13 16:04:01

So sorry this is happening - no experience to offer but bumping in the hope someone will give you some quick, and safe, advice.

Apileofballyhoo Wed 09-Oct-13 16:08:24

Are you on medication and have you been to counselling? What support to you have (DP, parents, friends etc.)?

Milkhell Wed 09-Oct-13 16:11:16

Never been on meds. I have had lots of counselling including CBT and talking therapy but for the CBT I felt so strange i couldn't keep on with it.

I've got an appointment with a postnatal team at the hospital soon.

Supportive DH and DM but no one will believe me about how strange I feel.

Milkhell Wed 09-Oct-13 18:11:46

Could this be extreme anxiety brought on through PND? Please someone tell me it could be. I can't cope with the alternative. I just can't. I'm convinced I won't see my kids grow up.

insanityscratching Wed 09-Oct-13 18:24:52

I experienced psychosis, hallucinations etc after my fourth child who was born less than two years after my third. It is really frightening and I am surprised that no one seems to be taking this seriously.
For me it took admission to hospital, ECT and a cocktail of drugs anti d's, anti psychotics, lithium, tranquilisers and anti parkinsonian drugs to knock it on the head.
If you aren't seeing a psychiatrist very very soon then I would present myself at A&E and ask to see the on call psych.
You will get better I've been meds free and psych support free for years and I even had another baby without any problems. You just need to make the first step to get the support you need.

DoItTooJulia Wed 09-Oct-13 18:51:16

Couldn't read and run.

This sounds awful. I hate hearing of people not being taken seriously by medics. Can you ask the postnatal team if there is a specialist in this area? Or could you afford a one off private consultation with a specialist?

I'm so sorry you are having such a rough ride. I hope you get some proper help soon.

What have the MH professionals said about it?

I have had psychosis and it is scary, one of the features of psychosis is that you find it difficult to decide what is real and what is not real which is why people might be struggling to understand because you are aware that what is happening is not real.

What do you mean when you said you felt your brain was curling? I am trying to understand your experience. Are you feeling or seeing things that aren't there? I remember feeling very strange, like I was in a dream.

I have found anti-psychotics to help me a great deal. Can you move your meeting with the MH team so it is sooner?

Milkhell Wed 09-Oct-13 19:29:39

Thank you for answering. They are all saying it's anxiety and that 'it's up to me' (and get more me time).

Could they actually be right and me be wrong? And it's all symptomatic of my extreme anxiety? There's absolutely no denying that I've got a panic disorder. I would absolutely agree I have.

The thing that's really fucking with me are these unexplainable new feelings as I'm an articulate woman. Also the brain curl feeling as that was just crazy bad.

Honestly everyone is doing what they should on terms of offering an ear and being really supportive - I've accessed all kinds of care. If I turned up at A&E I wouldn't know what to say and I actually think they'd contact social services as I've accessed that many professionals they'd think the panic had tipped over the edge.

Insanity - thank you so much for reassuring me. I know it's a personal (very personal) question but can you tell me a bit more about your experience in that did you have 'insight'? I think because I can say I'm having these funny feelings that they're less worried than if I was not IYSWIM?

At the moment I'm categorically convinced I have brain damage. This sounds ridiculous but that's how I feel as my brain is clearly not working correctly. From the moment I wake up until my DH comes home I worry about myself and how I'm thinking and how I'm feeling and how I'm going to get better on a continuous loop.

I'm able to do the nuts and bolts for the kids - they're always clean, washed and fed and so am I. However I'm that bad at the moment DM has to sit with me.

I'm worried there's no way back from this. I'm prepared to try meds now whereas I wasn't before but I'm scared .

I want it think about how much I love my kids and DV and about their well being but all I can think about is me - and that's honestly it. How weird I'm feeling etc. I can't hold one positive thought in my head.

Everyone is so sick of me now. I'm sick of me.

Is this it for me?

Crawling Wed 09-Oct-13 19:38:26

Psychosis can be really scary I live with it on a regular basis. Can you explain your psychosis more fully please?

I know it's scary but try to stay calm psychosis is not the end of the world many people live with it every day. The stories you hear of dangerous psychotic people are in fact the minority.

I hope you feel better soon I can sometimes tell I'm hallucinating when it's mild when it's severe I can't tell anymore even if I'm seeing a full blown werewolf I won't be able to rationalise that werewolves don't exist.

But I sometimes get corner of the eye hallucinations that are only there for a second or two and when it's gone I realise I'm hallucinating.

Milkhell Wed 09-Oct-13 19:44:19

The brain curl thing felt like my brain was curling at edges - a very weird sensation. I absolutely knew it wasn't real and knew that the whole time. It was just a very weird and scary feeling.

These other 'feelings' aren't anything I can describe. The world appears in a certain way - sometimes distorted, sometimes filled with terror but generally just strange in a petrifying way.

After DS I had extremely bad anxiety which I can now see with perspective as I had the dream like feeling, people seeming strange, panic attacks, worried I was going to have a psychotic break and somehow hurt him without realising , that I didn't love him enough etc etc. I really went through hell. This time things seem to have morphed.

I should also mention I have severe health anxiety.

I never recovered and fell pregnant with DD. I had generalised anxiety throughout pregnancy and despite feeling well(ish) for the first six weeks or so had what I would say was a nervous breakdown when she was about six weeks old. It may have just been an abrupt onset of PND?

God I just need to know I'm going to see my kids grow up.

Crawling Wed 09-Oct-13 19:46:20

There is no reason you won't see your dc grow up absolutely none.

insanityscratching Wed 09-Oct-13 20:20:01

I had no real insight tbh I couldn't distinguish what was real and what wasn't so I saw spiders, when I looked in the mirror it wasn't my face that I saw, there was a cat that spoke to me (I'm still not sure whether the cat was a real one or not and am too embarrassed to ask) My dead mother lived at the top of the stairs and whilst I knew she had died I couldn't see that it was irrational that she was now alive again and living at the top of the stairs.
I wasn't anxious to be honest, in fact I felt quite reassured by the cat and my mother.
I was sectioned so I suppose I must have been suicidal but I don't remember tbh as I have memory loss from around that time.
I do remember being unable to sleep and I was prescribed huge amounts of medication (above the maximum recommended dose) which apparently should have knocked me out but seemed to have no sedating effects. I have none of the energy that I had then nowadays unfortunately.

I think you need to speak to your MH team asap.

What you are describing sounds like anxiety and OCD type thinking. There is quite a fine line between severe anxiety and psychosis.

The difference is that with psychosis you have little or no insight into what is happening to you. I was convinced that God wanted me to kill myself, I could see why other people thought it was weird, but I knew 100% it was real.

You have mentioned being scared of developing psychosis so I wonder if this fear is making you feel this way. Anxiety can make you feel strange emotions and feel very agitated.

Milkhell Wed 09-Oct-13 22:27:22

Fluffy it is most certainly OCD thinking and anxiety - and I do think the severity is now unfortunately passing into psychosis.

No one seems concerned though or knows how to deal with me. Everyone just keeps saying this is 'down to you' but I can't escape it.

What makes me think it's OCD is that I have a thought and then can't get that thought out of my head - so say for example I thought about a spinning top. It was just a very weird thought. Then because it was so weird I became scared of that meaning I'd gone I same and it just kept repeating causing me to become more and more anxious.

In the background there is the 'how am I feeling' thing again and again and again - all day. No respite until the evening. I had this with my DS but it was about loving him. This time it seems to be about myself and how I'm feeling (maybe a compounded trauma from what I went through with DS).

There was also a stage after my breakdown where I was checking every thought that came into my head for signs of madness and every action. This was also the case with the catching things from the corner of my eye and thinking "is that a hallucination?" and checking it to see if it was or wasn't - and then it wouldn't be.

Now the strange feelings are making me very distressed through the day as I can work them out.

And now it's causing me not to want to get out of bed as I'm so depressed about the situation.

Everyone is so frustrated with me. No one knows what to do. I don't know what to do. My family are coming to the end of their tethers. They think I can get a grip and I just can't.

So in short I have postnatal depression/anxiety, health anxiety, OCD and depression with psychotic features.

It's been hell for two and a half years and I don't really know what to do to make it all stop.

I think accepting that it's postnatal would help me but I'm worried it's now moved past that.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I've also searched Google hundreds and thousands of times for answers as to how I'm feeling.

Is there hope for me? I just need a chink of light to cling to that this will resolve.

The CBT is for everyone isn't it? Should I revisit whilst waiting for my outpatient appointment with the postnatal expert at the hospital?

It's in two weeks time - I spoke to the doctor today and he said he "thinks it's postnatal depression" and to "not thing about how I feel until the appointment". Easier said than done when you feel like you're living minute to minute.

I have DH for next four days so I feel safer. Unfortunately it doesn't stop the thoughts or let me think about other people's wellbeing.

Milkhell Wed 09-Oct-13 22:36:54

I've just read that back. Fucking hell. It's OCD and severe anxiety isn't it? Thought checking? I didn't even realised I did that until I got all of that down. That's actually helped just getting things down. Perhaps I can write that out again and take it to my appointment.

Can you "pass into psychosis" or is that the anxiety/OCD talking?

I really appreciate you all talking to me as just getting some of this out is helping me.

ArtemisiaofCaria Wed 09-Oct-13 23:01:50

from what you've written, it doesn't sound like psychosis to me. it sounds like severe anxiety. I'm not a professional, but I have spent many months on an inpatient mother and baby psychiatric ward.

At my worst (this sounds daft to write down, btu it was totally real) I was convinced that the nurses and/or the other patients husbands (not the other patients) were hiding my things. I became convinced that two of my little plastic baby bowls had been hidden from me, on purpose, and that they'd thrown away my little pack of petit filous. I FLIPPED, attacked two nurses, had to be restrained, threatened to have my baby removed from me and taken to seclusion. I thought my child was the reincarnation of Stalin, and I was getting messages and signs from "karma" (I wasn't sure it was God, perhaps just Gods government) about various things, that I barely even remember now, I was so unwell. Apparently I never stopped talking, 24 hours a day, about those bowls. Which sounds funny now, but I was terrified, furious, I was convinced it was a big plot to either drive me mad, or make me look like I was going mad so the hospital could keep me trapped.

ArtemisiaofCaria Wed 09-Oct-13 23:02:30

(I hadn't lost any of the bowls, and I had given the yoghurt to my baby. Just I couldn't remember how many I had, or feeding my baby, as I was so unwell, I had no memory)

Milkhell Wed 09-Oct-13 23:13:31

I am so, so sorry that you had to go through that. That sounds absolutely, absolutely petrifying. It really does. Coming to terms with it too must have been really difficult. Acceptance must play a big part as you are clearly very articulate and if you're anything like me on a mission to understand. Work things out.

If I can get through this I really want to help all women who go through these horrendous illnesses. It's not fair. It's not fair that some women are left scrabbling about whilst in hell for a hand to hold.

I have read so much about postnatal illness and find the psychosis things interesting - like when it's a religious theme - where does that even come from? The randomness of it? And so many women have similar themes to it.

Are you all quite open in RL re. What's happened?

hellymelly Wed 09-Oct-13 23:17:23

OP this probably isn't helpful, but at some point you might want to read "the shutter of snow", a personal account of post-partum psychosis, written many decades ago but still relevant. The descriptions above sound just like the book, but you sound more hyper anxious to me. I am sorry things are so grim and hope that you do get some help that really works.

hellymelly Wed 09-Oct-13 23:21:42

Sorry-To clarify- I meant the descriptions by other posters of their experience of psychosis, not your own descriptions of how you feel now.

Fozzleyplum Wed 09-Oct-13 23:31:06

OP, I've just read your posts to DH, who works in mental health (lawyer rather than doctor). He's familiar with the symptoms you describe and says it sounds like a psychotic episode which can be treated effectively with medication. You do need to get it diagnosed and treated if necessary, to avoid further problems. If you feel that you really need help tonight, I'd go to A&E, so that you can be assessed, rather than put yourself at risk. If it will wait until the morning, I'd insist on a gp appointment tomorrow.

FannyFifer Wed 09-Oct-13 23:34:21

Go to your GP tomorrow & tell him or her what's going on, write it down if you have to.
Get a referral to psych team.

There are medications you can take to get through this, can't believe you have not been prescribed something before now to be honest.

FannyFifer Wed 09-Oct-13 23:36:51

It does not sound like a psychotic episode.
Generally would have no insight into the psychosis.

Milkhell Wed 09-Oct-13 23:45:24

Hi Fozzley. I honestly gave been to the GPs about 20 times and tried to explain but obviously can't. They aren't experts they've said. I've even gone with my mum who expressed concern about pupueral (sp?) psychosis and the GP looked quite blank and said "what makes you think that?". My head was in a mash. We've seen quite a few different ones too.

They then refer to the crisis team who ask if I want to kill myself or others, which the answer is 'no'. They then sign me off (after telling me that many mums feel this way and to have 'me' time).

I even insisted on seeing a psychiatrist last team the crisis team left me. He was a consultant, spent an hour with me and signed me off with zero meds saying to exercise, eat well and avoid caffeine! Didn't even think my 3mo was a factor. He said getting well was down to me.

It's all really, really confusing me as I'm being told by so many people I'm okay as have insight which I think is the 'bar'.

Thank you for asking him xx

Milkhell Wed 09-Oct-13 23:47:31

Sorry for typos.

Not sure what to do.

LackaDAISYcal Wed 09-Oct-13 23:48:27

I was diagnosed with postnatal OCD after the birth of my third child and some of what you are describing sounds a bit like what things were like for me. For me, it was mostly intrusive thoughts and thoughts of harming myself or my babies. Not of deliberately harming them, but if carrying a knife, wondering what would happen if I dropped it, or imagining myself pushing them when following them downstairs, or that something horrible would happen to DH. It took me a long long time before I could admit any of these feelings and thoughts thoyugh, as who wants to admit to wanting to hurt their babies? In the end I was so frightened I would actually do it, that I took a deep breath and just told my GP. He was brilliant and got me an urgent referral (I had previously seen the perinatal team when pregnant with my DD so that helkped get me seen quicker). Meds and some counselling and CBT made a huge difference. Still on the meds almost five years later and can't see me dropping them anytime soon as the intrusive thoughts flood back the moment I try and reduce them. I can relate to the brain curling feeling though as I felt like my brain was actually unravelling.

Your GP sounds like an arse to be honest; how he can tell you to not think about till the appointment when your days are hounded by all sorts of thoughts? angry

And of course you will see your children grow up. You'll get help to get through this and it sounds like you have a good support network. One which I'm sure is probably more worried wbout you than sick of you.

hugs xx

LackaDAISYcal Wed 09-Oct-13 23:52:28

I wasn't open about it at the time it was happening, but can tell people about it now. the overwhelming response is, "I knew you were struggling, but not the actual extent; why didn't you tell me at the time, I could have done more to help" which is a nice feeling and makes me wich I had opened up more. But who wants to admit they are thinking that they will seriously harm their DC?

ArtemisiaofCaria Thu 10-Oct-13 00:03:02

Acceptance wasn't an issue - I was ill. As soon as I started taking the medication (I had no choice at that stage), I became well, realised that I had taken 4 bowls into hospital, and still had those 4 bowls, and that the nurses were just normal people with jobs, not part of some big government mechanism. I had little memory of the episode, knew that I had been unwell.

It might not be the case for other people, but for me (diagnosis is bipolar type I, not PP or schizophrenia) it is a case of being either well, anxious & stress, or batshit insane. They're very clearly defined. By the time I get to the BSI stage I've usually been put in hospital. As soon as I take my meds (lithium to bring me down) I'm fine.

When I'm like that, I'm not 'struggling', I don't know that I'm unwell. However there's usually a big run up where it's clear that I'm getting more and more unwell so it's obvious intervention is needed.

A couple months ago I stopped taking my meds. I started to think I was getting messages from Richard III, signs and coincidences of dates and names. DH told me take the meds, or he's calling the emergency psych, so I took them, and I was better again in less than a week.

Sorry I'm wittering, but I hope that gives you insight. I do get anxiety and stress and a constant inner monologue and internal thoughts, like you, but it's nothing like the actual psychosis. You can't eat, sleep, drink, dress. I spent a week just looking for those bowls, or gazing into space making "connections", nurses had to practically force me to sip water. You become a zombie.

Milkhell Thu 10-Oct-13 07:15:57

Sorry Art. That was worded really badly. I meant acceptance that you were ill not acceptance helping toward some kind of cure.

I need to accept that I'm ill and need meds and that's what I'm struggling with as for me it's got to be a brain tumour or that I'm not eating right etc etc. Not that i can get a grip but that if I want to feel okay I'm going to need medicine.

working9while5 Thu 10-Oct-13 08:19:20

The problem is not that you're psychotic.

Its that you're worried you are psychotic.

That's OCD.

I think the key here is saying 'I absolutely knew it wasn't real'. The point of psychosis is you don't. The other issue is that this is ego-dystonic for you. It horrifies you to be having these thoughts, you are more caught up in the horror of being psychotic and what this means about you than actually the thoughts themselves.

Contact the Maudsley. You need an an OCD specialist.

Milkhell Thu 10-Oct-13 09:31:02

Thank you working.

At the moment I'm flipping between psychotic and brain tumour. I can realise how strange that sounds but I'm convinced it's one or the other. It's embarrassing.

I had postpartum OCD with DS and clearly am struggling with it again. I'm ashamed. I'm so sorry if my post has dragged up memories for anyone. It's sickening that a mental illness can make someone so caught up in their own thoughts that they impact on other people's lives in a negative way.

I am really sorry and I can't stress that enough.

ShoeWhore Thu 10-Oct-13 09:39:15

OP I'm really sorry to hear you are going through all of this, it sounds very scary. Are you taking any medication at all? How would it feel to consider that option?

Milkhell Thu 10-Oct-13 09:50:19

I've just taken my first tablet. Just then. I can't tell you what a massive step this is for me. I need to do this for my family though.

Thank you so much for being kind. I'm sure I'll be on here for a whole looking for reassurance re. The tablets being the way I am.

I think working has it spot on.

I think you might not be getting appropriate help because you are asking for help with psychosis which you don't have. I think the GP and your Mum are trying to reassure you that you are not psychotic but in doing that they are missing what is really going on for you - severe anxiety and OCD. You need support ASAP, can you see someone this week? Your health anxiety is clearly affecting you and making you worry about your feelings.

I know how awful MH problems are and you have my sympathy, take care of yourself.

ClockWatchingLady Thu 10-Oct-13 12:52:10

Hi Milkhell. So sorry you've been feeling so terrible.

I don't think I have much to add (lots of people have said great stuff) except that a lot of what you write sounds very familiar to me from my first postnatal period. I remember it as hellish, utterly terrifying. It was, however, very time limited.

A couple of things I personally have found comforting:

1) fear of "going mad" or having psychotic break is an extremely common "symptom" of panic (you've probably said this already, but it really is extremely common. And terrifying to experience).
2) I don't think there is a very clear line beyond which you're "psychotic". Everyone has some experiences which could be classified as such. Weird "feelings" also occur very frequently in people classified as having anxiety problems (non-psychotic).

I also found it comforting to be told this: even if you were to develop full-blown psychosis (big if), you would get through it.

Try to take one moment at a time, maybe focus on something like counting your breaths to help you ride it out when the most hideous waves of fear hit you.

I really hope you feel better soon. Like others, I remember so well the feeling that it would never end.
You WILL feel better, and this is NOT "it" for you.

Mirages Thu 10-Oct-13 13:29:05

A few months ago I felt like my brain was curling.

Once I had a feeling that half of my brain was numb. I was fighting against demons who were trying to control my brain. I won smile. Anyway, I was not psychotic because I could do basic things ok and look normal. Also, I knew to keep my mouth shut about them.

Milkhell Sun 13-Oct-13 17:03:34

Hi everyone. Than you for all the great advice.

I took an AD the other night and did have an 'episode'. It was like I'd waken up in a nightmare and was convinced my children weren't breathing and my husband was out to get me. It was horrendous.

I was still 'with it' enough to know to want to call the crisis team which I know displays some insight but it was still very scary.

I had an appointment with a consultant psychiatrist the next day who reiterated that there was nothing at all wrong with me and I needed to bring myself back into control by getting my life back on track (getting back to work etc). I do trust him as he really 'dug deep' about what I was saying.

I'm finding it really hard as I'm still finding most of the day really difficult to get through (like really hard). I now know that meds aren't an option and the psychiatrist said that that was exactly why he didn't prescribe them back when I first saw him in July.

I know he's the expert and I'm not. I know that I could go on forever diagnosing myself with this and that and turning up on the GPs doorstep but the fact remains I'm finding things a real, real struggle. I know it's not just me - I know everyone struggles - but I just wanted some advice for getting through this cold turkey as it were.

The psych recommended getting back to work and before that making my days full and following a routine. I'm going to do that but at the moment it feels like I'm going to be climbing a mountain with two broken legs.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

working9while5 Sun 13-Oct-13 18:56:50

What does he mean there is nothing at all wrong with you? That you are fully well? confused

Milkhell Sun 13-Oct-13 19:01:32

Yes. How can I argue? I don't think there's any more steps I can take as I've exhausted all of them.

Milkhell Sun 13-Oct-13 19:02:01

DM and DH agree too.

working9while5 Sun 13-Oct-13 20:04:05

So you have no anxiety diagnosis or anything? I thought you had medication prescription?

HoopHopes Sun 13-Oct-13 21:36:58

A routine can really help with lots of things. And it sounds like you have had access to a crisis team ( here you cannot call them yourself only be referred by medical professionals), seen a psychiatrist a few times in a couple of months, got support from health visitor and gp etc all of which is encouraging.

Hope the coming weeks are easier for you.

Milkhell Sun 13-Oct-13 22:46:14

Nothing! Prescription from GP who is 'under' the consultant psych.

It's up to me :-)

Thank you Hoop. I've had a good writing session (I'm a writer) and feeling less trapped than I was a few hours ago. Not a good feeling.

FannyFifer Sun 13-Oct-13 23:18:33

You need a referral to someone else , if you have told the psych everything you have said here then I cannot see how on earth he can decide you are well.
What medication did GP prescribe?

Milkhell Sun 13-Oct-13 23:35:50

Cirtalopram (sp?). I have to trust him. There's no way I can be referred to any one else. He's the best I've been told by the crisis team.

I have an appointment with an access team in two weeks. But I've already been told by the crisis team and psych that they override them.

I have to just go with it. What else can I do?

Milkhell Sun 13-Oct-13 23:38:55

To be fair from what others have said re. Postnatal psychosis I think I'm 'just' suffering from severe PND. There's no other explanation. Unfortunately meds don't agree with me and the psyche doesn't do 'labels' which is probably the best way really when dealing with humans.

Thank you all again.

HoopHopes Mon 14-Oct-13 21:52:15

If you were suffering from psychosis postnatlly ( it has a proper name but ...) then yes crisis team and dd's would have picked it up and probably had to hospitalise you til you were stable and safe so that is encouraging.

Yes the crisis team and psychiatrist definitely outrank an access team. The mental health teams refer to a crisis team of someone needs more help than a weekly session which is the most they can provide and to risk assess and to do medications etc.

Glad writing helped a bit. I am a great believer of sleep, sleep, time for me ( hard to get with child!) and getting out of house to keep going.

Helpyourself Sat 02-Nov-13 15:05:18

How are you OP?

Milkhell Fri 29-Nov-13 14:06:32

Hi all.

I'm doing much better - I'm not fully better by a long shot - but I think the hell-bound period is over.

I'm extremely anxious a lot of the time and that's feeding the depression but it feels more in the realms of 'normal' PND now.

I'm looking after the kids on my own and have had my first day back at work. At the time I wrote this thread I couldn't do that.

Spoke to GP who has said it can take 18 months for PND to clear so I'm just hoping that's indeed what it is and that I will get better. I was 17mo postpartum with DS when I fell pregnant with DD so I've been ill for a long time now and I'm clinging to the fact I will get better in time.

GP also said more children is risky as my issues have been even worse this time around. I sadly agree. I would have loved a PND-free experience but I don't think that will happen.

I'm still not on ADs after they caused me the 'episode' I spoke about up thread.

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