Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice.

Very dark thoughts. Please help.

(43 Posts)
timesarehard Mon 16-Sep-13 17:54:42

I always thought this only happened to other people but here I am.

I'm a regular but have namechanged. I have been feeling low for a while but this has escalated rapidly over the last couple of weeks.

Today has been my lowest day. Thoughts of wanting it all to be over have crept in today. I'm so scared.

Millie2013 Mon 16-Sep-13 18:12:47

That sounds really tough, I'm so sorry
Do you have any support in real life? You can't keep all of that to yourself, not can you carry it on your own

In the meantime, could you reach out and phone the Samaritans?

timesarehard Mon 16-Sep-13 18:15:21

Yes I have support. My DH doctor know. I have a lovely life. I don't know why this is happening.

GRW Mon 16-Sep-13 18:15:27

I'm sorry you're feeling so low and frightened by your thoughts. Do you have someone you can share this with, either family or friends or professionals?
keep talking on here if it helps, or if you need to speak to someone on the phone try the Samaritans.

timesarehard Mon 16-Sep-13 18:21:06

I think it is post natal. I have a baby. A lot of things have happened over the last few months and I think it's all got too much. I just want to go to sleep till it's all over.

peachypips Mon 16-Sep-13 18:23:42

How old is your baby? If you've never felt like this before it sounds like PND.
I promise you won't feel like this forever. Have you other children?

GRW Mon 16-Sep-13 18:26:02

It might help to contact your health visitor or GP tomorrow, and be really honest about how bad you are feeling. There is help out there and you will get through this, and won't always feel like this.

timesarehard Mon 16-Sep-13 18:26:03

He is six months. Yes I have two older children too. I started taking anti depressents on Friday. Is it usual to feel worse before you get better.

Millie2013 Mon 16-Sep-13 20:16:40

I don't think AD make you feel worse, per se, but they don't start to take effect for a few weeks, so it may feel like you are getting worse, if that makes sense?

Echo the advice to speak to your GP or HV, you don't have to go through this alone

HoopHopes Mon 16-Sep-13 21:03:20

Antidepressants can take about two weeks before they you feel their effect so they will not be making you feel worse just not better. Having 3 children and one a baby could it be exhausting you? Would being able to get some sleep or rest help? I found I hit a wall of exhaustion when my ds was about 7 months old and only realised later that what people were telling me was true, I needed some rest but was too stubborn to stop or ask friends etc for help.

Agree seeing HV is a good idea, in case they can offer support.

peachypips Mon 16-Sep-13 21:20:32

Sorry to disagree but ADs can definitely make you feel worse then a lot better! It affects people differently. I have long-standing mental health issue, and I have been on and off meds.
For me (I take Sertraline as well as another drug) I feel a lot worse for the first 12 days of taking the drug, with suicidal thoughts. From day 12 after taking them I start getting better.
If you started on Friday and you are feeling worse than before it is almost certainly the ADs. You should start feeling a bit better next Wednesdayish and then over the next 6 weeks get back to normal.
So don't worry! If it gets to two and a half weeks and you are still feeling absolutely terrible and suicidal then get back to the doc pronto. In the first two weeks on an SSRI I have to have people just dragging me through it.
If it makes you feel better I am a happy, fully functioning, normal and fine person.
Keep in touch and ask lots of questions.

peachypips Mon 16-Sep-13 21:21:27

You will make it. Just get through the next week xx

I echo peachy's comment. The first two weeks on fluoxetine I felt worse and much stronger suicidal thoughts. But after 4 weeks they started helping. Take care. Rest as much as you can. All the best.

AmyFlower Mon 16-Sep-13 22:36:10

Hang in there...we are all wanting you to get through this.

Sweetsweep Mon 16-Sep-13 22:41:11

I think you realise that you are not feeling your normal self. Hang on to that.
As others have said, be kind to yourself over the next few days, to help you get through. x

HoopHopes Mon 16-Sep-13 22:54:09

Yes totally disregard my comment. What I meant to day and worded it badly was that it can take some time for antidepressants to make you feel better. Whether how you are feeling now is due to starting taking medication or because of how you were feeling before you started them is a different matter.

As posters here have pointed out I am wrong so ignore all my list as I write rubbish.

Sweetsweep Tue 17-Sep-13 07:41:57

HooopHopes. You dont talk rubbish. You just worded it badly, like we all do from time to time.

timesarehard Tue 17-Sep-13 07:57:16

Thanks everyone. If I call the health visitor, will she come out? I am feeling really desperate today. I've got a friend coming to take my oldest to school as I couldn't face that. I can't eat. I don't think I've eaten in a couple of days.

timesarehard Tue 17-Sep-13 08:37:58

Is anyone about? Feeling so low.

Sweetsweep Tue 17-Sep-13 08:44:10

I am here, but my knowledge is limited.

I dont know if the health visitor will come up or not. I would ring up and ask. Good time to ring right now I would have thought. Say that it is quite urgent.

timesarehard Tue 17-Sep-13 08:48:58

Thank you. I just don't know how I'm going to get.through today. I'm physically shaking.

HoopHopes Tue 17-Sep-13 09:20:52

Do phone up the health visitor. She may not be able to come out straight away but you can at least book a slot to see her. Can you look at when your next health clinic is, ours are once a week in different places so you will know where health visitor is if it is sooner than an individual slot.

Asking a friend to take dc is great, that is using support and sometime we all need that.

HoopHopes Tue 17-Sep-13 09:22:26

Also you need to eat. If you do not eat or drink fluids you will begin to stop and not be able to so things. So find yourself a drink and a snack if you can. Small and regular bits of food is ok if cannot manage meals. But if you want to feel better eating and drinking is part of it, as our bodies begin to not work as well without fuel.

GRW Tue 17-Sep-13 09:24:04

I'm sorry this is so hard for you. Please do ring the health visitor, tell her you're feeling desperate and ask her to come out. If she can't for any reason she may help you to get an emergency appointment with your GP today.

Chopstheduck Tue 17-Sep-13 09:30:50

Do you have anyone who can be with you?

Do try to eat something, however small. You are doing so well, you've been to the GP and you have started medication. It DOES take a while to kick in. Don't think about the day, just plan for the next hour, make yourself a cuppa and a slice of toast.

Would you like to talk about what you are finding hard atm?

Thinking of you this morning. If you're still feeling really bad its ok to speak to the gp again. I spoke with mine on the phone/in person for about 4 days when I was at my worst. Do you have a friend or relative that can keep you company, even if its to watch tv together. Hope yoive managed to have a snack. Even a glass of milk and a biscuit is better than mothing. Take care.

timesarehard Tue 17-Sep-13 09:54:53

I've had some cereal. The health visitor is coming at eleven. I just feel so guilty that my lovely children haven't got their mummy at the moment. It's just so sad.

Chopstheduck Tue 17-Sep-13 10:06:27

I;'m glad you managed to eat something and get the HV out. This will pass, and you will get better for your children. It is very hard, and it often feels like there is no end to it, but little by little the cloud will lift. xx

GRW Tue 17-Sep-13 10:09:11

Well done for managing to eat something and asking for help. Your health visitor should be able to liaise with your GP. It is understandable that you feel guilty, but it's not your fault that you are unwell. With the right support your children will get you back. Thinking of you.

timesarehard Tue 17-Sep-13 10:26:41

Thank you everyone. You are really helping. I've asked my DH if he can take a few days off (it's unlikely). I just want to sleep. Dealing with it all just seems a huge mountain to climb.

Chopstheduck Tue 17-Sep-13 13:20:57

hey there, thinking of you smile

How did the meeting with the HV go?

peachypips Tue 17-Sep-13 13:28:09

Hi love. I remember feeling like I wasn't there for my children too. I just couldn't cope with being around them as it made my anxiety worse. The guilt makes it worse too.
Do you know what though? You will be better in a month and they won't remember it. DS1 said to me the other day 'why do you never cry mum?' I could have answered 'I did nothing but cry for a lot of your preschool years!'. He has totally forgotten it. Just tell you older ones you are poorly and you will be better soon. They will understand that.
I remember wondering how I was going to get through the next minute let alone the next few weeks until the drugs worked. Time will pass though, and you will be well. Just survive and get as much help as you possibly can with the children.

ZipIt Tue 17-Sep-13 14:53:03

Hi times. Sorry to hear how bad you're feeling. I know it may not sound appealing but can you get some meal replacement drinks (e.g., strawberry/chocolate Complan with a straw) from the chemist/supermarket? I know how very hard it is to get food down when you're having problems like this. Meal drinks can take a tiny bit of the stress away. Hope you feel better soon. Stick with it, getting through one moment at a time.

timesarehard Tue 17-Sep-13 15:10:30

I'm here. The health visitor was great. She really seemed to understand. I'm really cold and shivery, is that a side effect or am I also poorly. I can't make sense of how I'm feeling.

peachypips Tue 17-Sep-13 17:36:36

It can be a side effect or you could be poorly! Just keep going.

AmyFlower Tue 17-Sep-13 17:36:50

Glad you are feeling a bit better. The shivering may be because you haven't eaten. Hope you continue to improve.

BasketzatDawn Tue 17-Sep-13 18:52:48

It is quite common to feel worse before you get better when starting ADs. It's happened to me. And it's in the leaflets too. What I decided, after a bad time before, is that the dark thoughts are the illness, the trick is to do nothing about them, then they do gradually go when the meds kick in. I hope that doesn't sound trite. You've done the right thing, OP, in talking to your HV and Dr. and others, even posting on here. You aren't alone.

In a sense, all you can do is do the minimum - make sure the children are safe and fed, eat something yourself, expect nothing for a few weeks, then hopefully the fog will start to lift. The good effect of ADs takes a few weeks. For me, this time, the fog began to lift after 2 weeks. Now in 5th week on Sertraline and dark thoughts are going bit by bit. If I get tired after doing too much, they come back. Bastards grin. Hope that helps, OP. Take care.

timesarehard Wed 18-Sep-13 08:11:10

This is hell. I've never felt so ill. I was up all night being sick. I can't eat a thing and can't get out of bed. How the hell do I look after the children? So scared.

Oh that sounds rubbish - sympathies. Is there anyone who can come and keep you company today? Any family or friend? Do you have all DC at home with you.

Can you speak to your GP on the phone and explain how bad things are? They'll sometimes prescribe you something extra short term to ease you through if the anxiety is unmanageable.

Ten minutes at a time. Thinking of you.

timesarehard Wed 18-Sep-13 09:35:22

A friend is coming. I feel like such a failure. The GP wanted to.prescribe me diazepam but I am still breastfeeding. I detest feeling like this. I am so strong and independent and well rounded and I can't believe that I've had to ask for so much help.

I will get through this!!

Oh well done on asking for help from your friend. I know exactly how you feel - I was the same when I was bad, feeling like a failure because I couldn't cope. But everyone needs help sometimes. If you'd broken your leg you wouldn't think twice about asking for help with the kids etc... so at the moment, your heads poorly, and you need some help.

Many people say that depression is not a sign of weakness it is a sign that you have been trying to be strong for too long...

But as you say, you will get through this. Take care.

Chopstheduck Wed 18-Sep-13 12:19:19

You msot certainly ARE strong and independent! You are doing all the right things, reaching out for help, taking the ADs and talking to people about how you feel.

It is a medical imbalance, an illness like any other, and there is no shame in seeking help while you recover.

I hope the medication kicks in soon for you and you start to feel better. I think you are brilliant though, for making sure you get the support for you and the children. It isn't easy always to reach out.

You will get through this OP, I have been there. Unlike you I did not ask
For help but I should have done. Well done on getting friends to help. You are strong, you will do this.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now