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I just did something (triggering)

(342 Posts)
Messupmum Fri 09-Aug-13 19:40:06

I don't know if I need help or not. I tied a ligature around my neck so tight - I did it twice. The second I struggled to undo it.

I'm kind of scared, but I felt a sense of calm too. Don't really think I'm having normal thoughts. I don't know what to do.

mummylin Fri 09-Aug-13 19:56:07

You need to call someone for help, maybe your local hospital. I don't know who else's to suggest but hopefully others will see this. Please dont harm yourself

YoniBottsBumgina Fri 09-Aug-13 19:57:55

Hi OP, do you have a CPN?

Messupmum Fri 09-Aug-13 20:04:42

I know it's wrong to post here sorry. I'm under the cmht, I saw them today and spoke to my HV and crisis team, but no one does anything.

I get told to hold ice cubes, speak to a friend, watch a comedy! Its just crap! I can't stop thinking about it. Got pills too, just got them nearby.

I just don't know anymore. This just feels right. So, so sorry.

painforlife Fri 09-Aug-13 20:08:49

call the crisis team again & tell them u don't Feel safe & need help straightway as u r thinking about taking a load of pills!!!

Messupmum Fri 09-Aug-13 20:13:44

I don't think I can take them as feel physically sick, but it just makes me think of other ways. I wouldn't be able to take enough anyway. I'm a mess, I don't think anyone actually cares anymore. I'm known to the services, I've cut my leg too.

I think it'd be better for everyone, if I'm not getting better and not helping myself then I deserve this. I have tried though, I really have, it's been too long though. This is no life. Crisis team will do nothing x

TheYoniWayIsUp Fri 09-Aug-13 20:14:41

Please call 999 and tell them you're having suicidal feelings. They will help you, and things will be better.

Please do this sweetheart. Nothing matters more right now. Nothing at all.

TheYoniWayIsUp Fri 09-Aug-13 20:14:41

Please call 999 and tell them you're having suicidal feelings. They will help you, and things will be better.

Please do this sweetheart. Nothing matters more right now. Nothing at all.

cocolepew Fri 09-Aug-13 20:20:09

Phone 999 and tell them.They will be able to help you.
Please don't do anything to harm yourself.

TheYoniWayIsUp Fri 09-Aug-13 20:23:53

Sorry for double post.
Please call. I lost an uncle to suicide. And do you know what hit me hardest? About 6 months later someone mentioned mental illness, and I remember thinking, if he'd got help, he'd be on the road to recovery by now. You can be too...just make the call. People care and want to help you.

polosareverynice Fri 09-Aug-13 20:27:33

second calling 999 please dont think you are alone in this world and i hope you get the help needed please dont do anything to harm yourself xxx

ClassyAsALannister Fri 09-Aug-13 20:32:45

Been there and done that. It's horrible but you can't trust yourself or your thoughts right now.

Take yourself to A&E and tell them what you told us or ring 999. It's not the easiest path but it's the best one & this doesn't have to be an endless cycle. Sometimes it takes something this extreme to get the help, as sad as it is and I hope you do thanks

ChippingInHopHopHop Fri 09-Aug-13 20:33:08

<<HUG>>

You aren't thinking straight. There must have been times in the past when you haven't been thinking straight and you have done/thought something that you later realise isn't right... try to think back to that.

At the moment you just have to believe us when we say you aren't thinking clearly and that you need help.

Please call 999 and get help ... please.

Your children don't want anyone else, they want you. There are quite a few MNers who have a parent who committed suicide - without fail everyone of them has said they wish their parent hadn't done it, no matter how imperfect their parent was (or thought they were) they meant the world to their kids. YOU are your kids world.

mummylin Fri 09-Aug-13 21:19:15

Hope someone is now helping you OP

HoopHopes Fri 09-Aug-13 21:45:56

If you are under the crisis team they work 24 hours so you can phone them again and tell them what you posted here.

Messupmum Fri 09-Aug-13 22:32:11

I've had a friend round for a couple of hours who is concerned. She's just left making me promise not to do anything. I quickly hid the pills and didn't tell her about the ligatures. I did tell her how suicidal I felt though.

I now feel exhausted but minds racing too much. I'm too scared to go to hospital, ending it feels like an easier option. For everyone. My friend was saying how devastated everyone would be, but it's just words to me.

HoopHopes Fri 09-Aug-13 22:39:47

Hi you do not have to go to hospital. You can phone the crisis team you mentioned and they should visit you at home. Could you try that?

Caster8 Fri 09-Aug-13 22:51:43

Hi, Messupmum. Just seen this thread.
If you were to get some proper help from someone, who would you call?
Crisis team, a friend, family, 999, or someone else like the samaritans to have a talk?

buttermellow Fri 09-Aug-13 22:57:55

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

OP, I found this page once when I felt very unhappy and it helped me hugely. Might not help but it's definitely worth a look. Lots of love x

Caster8 Fri 09-Aug-13 23:01:09

It is ok to post on here about this.
You put a trigger warning in the subject heading which is good.

Toomuch2young Fri 09-Aug-13 23:01:50

Please call 999. It is an emergency feeling this way. Or call the Samaritans if you need to talk.
You are not alone. You have at least one friend you have mentioned and likely more.
Do you have children, family?

Messupmum Fri 09-Aug-13 23:11:15

I can't move, feel frozen to the spot. I am a mum but don't feel like I should be. I need to want to get better though don't I, or no one will help me. I don't know what I want, I can't think straight,

KrazyKurls Fri 09-Aug-13 23:18:09

Sweet heart don't think of tomorrow, you only have to get through tonight, the next hour.

If you can pick up the phone and dial 999, it's just 3 numbers and you just need to ask for help then it'll all be out of your hands - you can pass the responsibility over.

Take it in steps;

Pick up phone
Dial 999
Ask for ambulance service
Give your address
Telephone number
Tell them you need help

In less than 5 mins time someone could be taking steps to help you get better...

Chippychop Fri 09-Aug-13 23:30:07

You're not alone, we all go through this at some time. But you do need to ask someone for help. NOW go on, please....

Messupmum Fri 09-Aug-13 23:31:21

I can't just yet, sorry, feel like I'm letting people down, I'm not ignoring advice, I just don't feel ready yet. Sitting outside now, looking up at the sky. The black clouds look like black demons telling me to just do it. I sound crazy. Thinking of going for a walk, just want to keep walking.

Chippychop Fri 09-Aug-13 23:43:59

Don't think about it just call someone

Caster8 Fri 09-Aug-13 23:44:16

You are not letting people down. You are just not feeling quite right, right now.
Is it all right if I pray for you and your family?

goodasitgets Fri 09-Aug-13 23:47:56

I am at work tonight. If you don't want to ring an ambulance yourself please PM me and I can get one to you

thornrose Fri 09-Aug-13 23:54:54

Are you on your own now? How are you feeling?

HoopersGinger Fri 09-Aug-13 23:55:48

Posting here is your best idea all night. . We are all here to listen and not to judge. Take a deep breath and look at the clouds again. We're all breathing the same air as you and we're all here.

sittinginthesun Fri 09-Aug-13 23:57:58

Keep talking on here, we're all listening.

HoopersGinger Sat 10-Aug-13 00:01:05

And don't even think about doing yourself in. Never a good idea if you are a parent. Suicide is contagious. It passes through generations because of the grief it spawns. Whatever you might think about your self worth right now you should concentrate on not handing down that legacy to your children.

Messupmum Sat 10-Aug-13 00:02:45

Im just walking, I don't know where, i'm tired but can't sleep. It's so quiet.

thornrose Sat 10-Aug-13 00:03:08

Do you want to tell us a bit about yourself? Or your lovely children, how old are they?

Messupmum Sat 10-Aug-13 00:09:27

I've name changed so don't want to give too much away. Just sat by the woods, it's so peaceful. I wish I could just stay here forever, not having to fight this anymore.

thornrose Sat 10-Aug-13 00:11:24

Oh sorry, I didn't think of that.

shufflehopstep Sat 10-Aug-13 00:26:25

Please don't do this. You are the most important person in your children's lives. They love you and need you. Whatever happens, you will always be their heroine. Please stick around to watch them grow into beautiful adults.

HoopersGinger Sat 10-Aug-13 00:45:34

Hi, is it a clear night where you are? It's really fresh here. A nice night for a walk. I am just off out with the dog.

HoopersGinger Sat 10-Aug-13 00:58:43

Messupmun are you still out? What happened earlier today? Now you're here get it off your mind if you want.

Twirlygig Sat 10-Aug-13 00:59:07

OP you are brave. And you are loved. Do you think you could give the Samaritans a call? They're on 08457 90 90 90. Sending you strength xxx

superlambanana Sat 10-Aug-13 01:03:57

Hope you're ok OP. I know a bit of what it's like to feel in that weird, not really thinking straight phase. You just have to acknowledge that you aren't thinking straight, and even if something is telling you to do something drastic, that is your brain not working properly. The right thing is to dial 999. Your children need you.

HoopersGinger Sat 10-Aug-13 01:29:45

Still here when you are. Anyone else still around ?

thornrose Sat 10-Aug-13 01:30:48

I'm still about.

TeaAndSconesTwice Sat 10-Aug-13 01:32:01

Hi op how was your walk? Are you home yet?

HoopersGinger Sat 10-Aug-13 01:44:54

Will check this thread 1st thing. Please say hi OP. It wasn't a bad idea to talk on here. It was a great idea. Shall we all check in tomorrow if OP isn't back tonight?

Messupmum Sat 10-Aug-13 07:33:44

Sorry I must have gone to sleep when I got back, had a restless night, didn't sleep much. I woke up and couldn't remember what was real and what was a dream.

My chest hurts, my leg hurts. Can't remember if I did take too many meds or not. Crisis team are visiting this morning so I know I need to be honest. I know I need help but it feels surreal, like this isn't happening to me.

Messupmum Sat 10-Aug-13 07:36:37

Also thank you all for the support, it helped me to talk here last night.

Caster8 Sat 10-Aug-13 07:40:09

Halleluya. Wonderful.
I have been sat here this morning hoping you would post. I had mixed feelings on whether you would. So glad you have.

As I said before, things can be fixed. They really can.

Glad the crisis team are visiting. And yes, please be honest with them. This may all feel like a long process, but you can get there.

You can talk about some things on here if you want to. Or not. You sound drained.

Toomuch2young Sat 10-Aug-13 07:43:45

Well done for making it though the night, today's a new start and help is coming. Wishing you all the best OP.

HoopersGinger Sat 10-Aug-13 08:29:37

Morning OP, so pleased to hear you're going to be honest so you can get the help you need. Thinking of you.

thornrose Sat 10-Aug-13 09:00:36

Well done, I hope you get the help you need flowers

Messupmum Sat 10-Aug-13 11:06:35

I'm so scared and embarrassed. Did it again this morning. And fighting the urges so much, but I'm so ashamed about people knowing. I keep getting told to tell family everything but I'm finding that the hardest thing in the world.

Caster8 Sat 10-Aug-13 11:13:31

You dont have anything to be embarrassed about.
What are you supposed to tell the family? Sometimes, from other threads I have read, telling family is one of the hardest things to do. Glad you are talking to a friend about it.

Is it the crisis team that are telling you to tell family? What time are they coming?

[sorry. dont want to bombard you with questions]

Caster8 Sat 10-Aug-13 11:15:00

Have you been diganosed with post natal depression?

KrazyKurls Sat 10-Aug-13 11:32:22

Morning MM, hope things seem a better better in the daylight.

Have the crisis team visited yet, you can't tell them anything that would shock them or they haven't heard before.

You don't have to tell anyone anything at this time, just that you need some help - details can come when your feeling stronger.

You need to be honest with the crisis team.

Ligatures are very very dangerous (as I am sure you know) so it is important they know you are using them.

Apileofballyhoo Sat 10-Aug-13 11:36:41

It will pass, OP. It will get better. This feeling is not forever. It is an illness and it will pass.

Caster8 Sat 10-Aug-13 13:39:49

I wouldnt say this if you were not so desperate. I am slightly wondering if the crisis team, or is it the cpn? is the best person for you, as in another cpn may suit you better?
Having been on the Mental Health boards a bit, it seems, as is perfectly likely to happen, that some cpns suit some people better than others.
Not sure what the answer to that one is though, if that is the case. Others on here might know.
And you may rightly think that now is not the best time to even be thinking about that.

KateSMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 10-Aug-13 13:55:54

Thank you to everyone who reported this thread to us.

We're so sorry to hear you're not feeling well messedupmum. We'd like to echo what other's have said here, and hope that you get some support and help in real life soon. There are some resources here here that may be of some use flowers

Messupmum Sat 10-Aug-13 14:20:28

The crisis team came, they stayed for quite a long time. My friend spoke to them and asked about admission, but they said they would rather support at home, and I can go to the day hospital.

I told them everything, but they seem to think I am responsible and able to make decisions.

Caster8 Sat 10-Aug-13 14:49:44

Well done for being brave, and telling them verything. Have you been to day hospital before? Do you find day hospital helpful/useful?

Messupmum Sat 10-Aug-13 16:08:47

So sorry this thread was reported, I didn't mean to be so much of a worry. I feel awful now, sorry sad

myroomisatip Sat 10-Aug-13 16:16:22

Hey. I am sure that there is no need to feel awful and apologise.

I very rarely visit this topic and yours is the only post I have read so far and I am glad you are still posting. Hope you are feeling better.

thornrose Sat 10-Aug-13 16:21:53

Oh no, don't feel awful. People were concerned about you, I know I was.

I'm just sorry I couldn't say anything remotely useful last night.

Caster8 Sat 10-Aug-13 16:42:16

Its ok. No need to worry at all.
There isnt a problem about it. People may have reported because they are concerned about you.

HoopHopes Sat 10-Aug-13 18:40:34

Sounds encouraging they offering the day hospital as the day hospital will mean you can still see your dc but have support and activities in the day. If in patient I found the only activity was a shelf of books, a broken CD player and a tv so much less useful if you able to go to a day hospital.

ChippingInHopHopHop Sat 10-Aug-13 19:43:55

How are you doing this evening?

<<hug>>

You are your children's whole world - there is nothing more certain than that.

Messupmum Sat 10-Aug-13 20:08:37

I'm just being a burden as usual, being indecisive and worrying everyone. Crisis team have rung, I feel so not myself and getting strong urges. Got to spend the night with someone keeping an eye on me, feel like a freak.

I don't know if I'd actually be better being in hospital right now, I'm beyond caring.

Caster8 Sat 10-Aug-13 20:18:02

People around you, and on here want you to get better. You are not a burden, nor a freak.
Cant remember the figure, but is it about 1 in 3 who will get some sort of mental illness at some point in their lives? Cant remember the exact figure, but it is high. And that goes across all spectrums, even including doctors.

I dont know about the hospital bit, I dont enough about it all to say.

Accentuatethepositive Sat 10-Aug-13 20:20:05

I feel hesitant to contribute to this thread as I am no expert on mental health, but I just wanted to say that you are not a burden or a freak, just a person who is having a very difficult time. You've done absolutely the right thing by asking for help, people want to help you so don't feel bad about accepting their offers.

I am thinking of you.

HoopersGinger Sat 10-Aug-13 20:47:39

You were really brave today. You are not a burden. You just need help and your friend keeping an eye on you will be so relieved to be with you and help keep you safe. I am sure you would feel the same if your situations were reversed.

ChippingInHopHopHop Sat 10-Aug-13 20:52:21

Who is going to stay with you?

How on earth are you being a burden? I hope you don't mean on here... what with all of us posting bollocks about bollocks on various threads, you are hardly disturbing a summit on world peace grin

I thought I was indecisive earlier - now I'm not so sure.

... no, not giving up my day job to be a stand up comic!

When you are feeling OK, what do you enjoy doing?

Messupmum Sat 10-Aug-13 20:56:11

Somehow I've managed to convince people I'm with someone else, if that makes sense. Sitting doing nothing and the hours are going by with me realising it. I'm talking to people, being honest (to some) and blurting out things without really thinking.

I'm just typing really, trying to keep sane. Think I'm losing it, no one understands. They think I'm in control but I'm not. I don't want to ring the crisis team and get told off by them for being on my own. What a cock up!

Messupmum Sat 10-Aug-13 21:00:18

The hours are going by without me realising it, obviously. Think I'm going to be making a lot of mistakes in this state.

thornrose Sat 10-Aug-13 21:00:57

So you're actually alone tonight?

I bet your friend would be with you in a heartbeat. Could you ring someone to be with you?

Messupmum Sat 10-Aug-13 21:05:38

She's coming round but I've convinced her to come for an hour. I don't really know what I'm doing, I keep mucking people about. And feeling so much paranoia, have a feeling people know who I really am on here.

I'm actually sat in the dark on my kitchen floor as so scared someone is going to turn up at the door. I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack, my hearts going too fast.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 10-Aug-13 21:11:00

Honey, you have said nothing on here that even hints at who you are.

What medication are you on? how long have you been taking them?

Please keep posting here - its distracting if nothing else, can you tell us what has made you feel this way or is this a long term illness?

You know you shouldn't be alone don't you? Is your friend coming?

thornrose Sat 10-Aug-13 21:16:04

Your posts don't give anything away.

Messupmum Sat 10-Aug-13 21:46:14

My god I'm losing it. My friends round but this is awful!

thornrose Sat 10-Aug-13 21:51:06

What's happening?

LEMisdisappointed Sat 10-Aug-13 22:08:56

Am glad your friend is there, but really, would you not feel safer in hospital, can you call the crisis team?

Its up to you of course, but please know that you can ask to be admitted if you feel you need to be.

Caster8 Sat 10-Aug-13 22:21:05

I too am wondering if you would feel safer in hospital and thus have less paranoia.

thornrose Sat 10-Aug-13 22:22:53

I told them everything, but they seem to think I am responsible and able to make decisions.

Can you tell them that's not the case?

Accentuatethepositive Sat 10-Aug-13 22:34:14

I don't know what to suggest that can help but can you confide in your friend and get them to get you more support? Show them this thread if it's too hard to find the words? Perhaps that's a stupid idea, I don't know.

Still thinking of you and hoping you can find a way to start feeling better very soon.

HoopersGinger Sat 10-Aug-13 22:55:31

Stop thinking you have to control this by yourself. You need help and you need to feel safe and not be alone. Nothing gives a clue about your identity on here. Tell your friend you need more help to get you through the night. Would you walk away from a friend who needed you? I think you would stay to see them through and I think you should definitely give your friend the chance to do that for you or to get you some more help tonight.

Caster8 Sat 10-Aug-13 22:57:55

Last night you said that you were scared to go to hospital. What do you find scary about that. Have you been in there before and it was scary?

Caster8 Sat 10-Aug-13 23:00:41

[Not saying that you should go to hospital right now] As I said earlier, I dont know as much about that as some people on here probably do.

Messupmum Sat 10-Aug-13 23:17:19

I tied a ligature again, why can't I just go to bed and go to sleep. I rang the crisis team and they said the person on call is out and can I call back in an hour. Now I'm worried they'll phone and if I don't answer straight away they'll ring my next of kin. Such a mess.

HoopHopes Sat 10-Aug-13 23:25:12

Hi, did your friend stay? Could you go and stay with someone tonight or would that mean getting your children out of bed. Am not sure if you are a single parent or just Alone tonight but is there a partner or a relative that could come and stay with you.

Crisis teams visit people in their homes so can be out but they will always have someone to answer the phone so do phone back if you need to before an hour. Have you tried phoning the Samaritans as just talking to them can distract, help and fill the gap of the hour?

HoopersGinger Sat 10-Aug-13 23:58:11

Really pleased to hear you rang the crisis team. You're on the right path. You're keeping your head above water and you really deserve the best help you can get.

Accentuatethepositive Sun 11-Aug-13 00:17:28

I hope you get through to the crisis team soon. Still wishing you well.

Messupmum Sun 11-Aug-13 04:32:34

I've been awake for the last hour and a half. I don't know how it has got this bad. It just sort of happened, maybe it's my fault, I'm letting the bad thoughts win.

Heard footsteps outside then they stopped, and I was picturing someone standing watching my home. I thought about going to a&e and saying how desperate I am, but then have doubts whether I'm ill or not. I look ok, so they'll just say go home and sleep.

Accentuatethepositive Sun 11-Aug-13 07:34:39

It's not your fault. This isn't something you can deal with by yourself. If you need to go to a&e you should go.

What did the crisis team say? did you get through in the end?

Hope you're ok OP.

If you are still feeling desperate and dont feel you can go to a&e or speak to the crisis team, why not call the Samaritans and talk it through with them? 08457 90 90 90

Caster8 Sun 11-Aug-13 07:46:51

I hope you have had a little sleep.

If you find yourself in a bad way today, please do go to a&e.

I have been talking to people on the Mental Health baord long enough to know that a lot of them have low self esteem.
So you are not unusual in that respect. People at A&E who would deal with what you are going through will not think you are wasting their time, or that you are at fault in some way.

HoopHopes Sun 11-Aug-13 14:28:27

Hope some sleep has helped a bit. For me things always worse at night and lack of sleep does not help anyone. Are the crisis team coming today? Do you start the day hospital when discharged from the crisis team? Hope you can be honest to people around you.

Can you plan some nice things out of the house with your children today to help distract you?

HoopersGinger Sun 11-Aug-13 17:47:51

Hey, hope you're managing to relax today and take responsibility for getting the right help. You're doing great calling the team last night x

Messupmum Sun 11-Aug-13 22:56:14

I went to the day hospital today, got to go tomorrow. Too tired and fed up to say much more. My heads a mess, I can't think.

HoopHopes Sun 11-Aug-13 23:00:16

Good to hear you did not have to wait for access for the day hospital ( where I live it is only Mon-fri 9-4) so pleased for you that you got that extra support you needed strait away.

Hope you get some good rest and sleep and day hospital keeps you safe tomorrow.

Caster8 Sun 11-Aug-13 23:13:39

I am glad that you went to the day hospital today and are going tomorrow. I think that was the right decision, and well done for taking that decision. And thank you for letting us know.

Messupmum Mon 12-Aug-13 06:41:44

My mind is playing tricks on me. It's making objects jump all around the room, over the walls, when they can't really be moving.

I think it's my body's way of telling me I'm not going to get better, it keeps giving me new signs, that I don't need to be here anymore. Otherwise I'm just going to get worse. Feel so disorientated.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Mon 12-Aug-13 07:04:33

Oh Messupmum I'm so sorry you feel like this. I wish I could give you a hug. You feel disorientated because you are not well.

You do need to be here for your DC. You will know that when you feel better.

Could you call your crisis team or the Samaritans?

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Mon 12-Aug-13 07:09:01

We care what happens to you and are listening. x

Caster8 Mon 12-Aug-13 07:20:11

Yes your mind is playing tricks on you. That is why you must not, I repeat must not take notice of the "signs". They are false signs, they are not true.
What time can you go to day hospital today? Can you go right now. Go now if you can. You do need to go.

Otherwise ring cpn [I dont know all the ins and outs of the medical stuff so if I dont know when the medical staff are available]

HoopersGinger Mon 12-Aug-13 09:02:47

What you describe, objects jumping, is an adrenal response to stress and really nothing more. Describe this symptom along with your other symptoms when you go to the hospital and explain it distresses you ( as it would anyone of us ) You will be taking the right steps on your road to recovery and everyone here will be with you all the way.

Messupmum Mon 12-Aug-13 09:31:03

It's probably not worth me telling them as I know I'll get told it's lack of sleep etc. Wish I could go off somewhere, just drive off somewhere far away with no one around.

LEMisdisappointed Mon 12-Aug-13 09:41:15

Im here and listening, whats going on honey?

HoopHopes Mon 12-Aug-13 09:57:19

Hi, lack of sleep and stress can and do indeed cause the symptoms you describe this morning. If you tell the staff at day hospital they may be able to get you medication prescribed short term to help with that. Hopefully the quiet atmosphere and lack of activity at the day hospital will help you with calming down things today.

Messupmum Mon 12-Aug-13 13:57:52

I've been so honest this morning, was really difficult, and they discharged me. I was told they're just thoughts, and was just let out with no questions as to where I was going or if I was going to be with anyone.

I don't get it, what's the point in asking for help. I feel so horrible and worthless. My head feels like it's going to burst.

Accentuatethepositive Mon 12-Aug-13 14:21:58

I'm so sorry you don't seem to be getting the help you need. Is there anyone you trust to confide in who could push for what you need? A friend or family member who wont take no for an answer? Or your GP?

I imagine it must be exhausting working up to being honest about how you're feeling and then feeling dismissed. Perhaps you come across as coping really well,not that that excuses the hcps for not listening to what you are trying to tell them.

Messupmum Mon 12-Aug-13 14:24:54

There's no point anymore. I've told them I've felt suicidal and here I am at home on my own. I can't keep telling people my darkest thoughts, to just be ignored.

Caster8 Mon 12-Aug-13 14:51:12

I too do not understand how they can do this.
And sort of dont know what to write.
Is it post natal depression that you have?
[I realise that you dont want to say too much on here]
There is somewhere on MN that may be better suited to you iykwim.

HoopHopes Mon 12-Aug-13 17:55:22

Sorry messedup was it the day hospital or the crisis team who discharged you? If crisis team discharged you do you still have the day hospital?

Sometimes when people say they are feeling suicidal medical people do not act in the way we think they would. A psych told me that when our heads have suicidal thoughts that we do not act on it is the way our brains work on keeping us safe. I found that made the thoughts less scary for me. May not help you but thought I would share.

Caster8 Mon 12-Aug-13 18:45:34

I took it that it was the day hospital, but I could be wrong.

Messupmum Mon 12-Aug-13 20:14:00

Once the day hospital discharge you, then you are no longer under the crisis team either. Surely people who do commit suicide have the thoughts and urges before they do it?!

HoopHopes Mon 12-Aug-13 20:32:19

Oh sorry to hear you discharged from both. Each area's mental health team is so different, that is so confusing. Here the crisis team can refer to day hospital but if under the mon-fri day hospital then you are not under the crisis team.

Did the day hospital or crisis team give you any strategies to help reduce distressing thoughts ... Such as have the tv on even if can't watch it, hobbies that distract etc I used to get told.

Remember that you can see a gp or an out of hours gp who can refer you to crisis again as a fresh referral. I never found the crisis team helpful but it all depends on why under a crisis team I think. Or if not want to use the crisis team go to your local a and e and ask to be assessed by their approved mental health person.

Messupmum Mon 12-Aug-13 20:42:46

I never want to go to the day hospital again. Maybe if i'd spoken to another nurse it might have been different, yesterday I saw a lovely nurse.

I did ring my cpn after and told her how I felt about the morning. She asked if I wanted to be admitted, but I said i've already been told this isn't advisable. Seeing her tomorrow but I feel like giving up.

It is very confusing how different areas work in different ways, even different nurses have different views. It's too hard to know what help you need when your head is a complete mess and you're terrified.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Mon 12-Aug-13 21:31:48

Oh messupmum it must be really scary.

How old are your DC?

Sending you lots of positive thoughts.

Accentuatethepositive Mon 12-Aug-13 22:12:21

I hope you get some useful advice from cpn tomorrow and in the meantime a little rest. Thinking of you.

TeamSouthfields Mon 12-Aug-13 22:23:10

Where are u children?

It might be a good idea to go and see them?

Messupmum Mon 12-Aug-13 22:39:53

I'm sorry. I'm not the selfish cow i'm probably coming across as. I didn't want it to be like this, I never imagined motherhood to be like this.

Caster8 Mon 12-Aug-13 22:49:15

You are most certainly not selfish. Far from it.

I have not had PND, but a lot of mothers on this forum have unfortuneately.
I know you dont want to post too many details on here, so I wont ask how old your baby is.

HoopHopes Mon 12-Aug-13 23:24:12

Hi you are not selfish at all. You are stuck in a system where there are as you have found out confusing systems. However, do not think admittance to an inpatient hospital is good, mostly they are shared rooms (5 in my room) with very ill people which I found did not help me, with no talking therapy, and just a tv for activity.

Can you try and arrange something every day so you not in your own if that is what you find hard? I am having a tough week so have got one thing arranged for next few days... Reading thing at library, a play date etc. I got a calendar and wrote it up, trying to encourage myself. Can doing something like that help? May not, just trying to share how I am managing.

Or do you have any family you could go and stay with for a few days even? Make a little hol of it for your dc? Or relatives that could come and stay for a bit?

HoopHopes Mon 12-Aug-13 23:26:19

Hi, you said you are struggling to know what help you need, so if you can try and trust the professionals even if they don't appear warm and caring they will have your needs at the forefront of their minds. Perhaps ask the Cpn tomorrow what you can do to help yourself right now... As sometimes I need to be told the most basic things.

Caster8 Tue 13-Aug-13 15:33:50

How did this morning go with the cpn?

Messupmum Wed 14-Aug-13 10:29:32

It's been a blur, the last few days. I've got to try to keep going, got plans for the week but I just find myself lying on my bed completely exhausted.

My cpn seemed more concerned than before, has arranged to see psych consultant next week, and mentioned admission again. She didn't understand why the day hospital didn't get a consultant to see me, and just let me go with no questions.

I don't see a future for me, I don't know where to go from here. I can't think straight but I'm trying and failing to be 'ok'.

Right now the thoughts of no longer being here are more comforting than trying to fight this.

Caster8 Wed 14-Aug-13 10:47:17

So glad you have posted again. smile

Mot been through what you have, but I would have thought that it was completely normal to feel exhausted by what has gone on. Soem rest is a good thing.

Glad too that your cpn is now of more use and arranged for the ppsych amongst other things.
[sounds like you came across 1 nurse in hospital that was not helpful for you].

You dont have to be ok as such. Getting through is ok for now. And that is what you are doing.

Accentuatethepositive Wed 14-Aug-13 12:28:45

Hi OP, I'm glad you're back. Also that your cpn seems to be taking action.

Look after yourself as best you can and as caster says, just concentrate on getting by for now.

HoopHopes Wed 14-Aug-13 17:27:25

Glad Cpn getting you a review with a psychiatrist. Hopefully look at your medication and perhaps offer some prn medication to help you if you do not have any. If they suggest admission can you think about what you might need to sort before then as it could be quite quick if there is a bed or sometimes they use the next nearest hospital. Such as childcare plans for your dc etc. would your dp or family have them etc? No worries if you can't think that far.

Hope some distracting activities help lift your mood a bit.

Messupmum Thu 15-Aug-13 09:53:49

I don't think I can do this. I feel shaky and zombified. I can't think. I've got to do things, but I feel I can't, I get scared and the mind races and it panics me.

libertine73 Thu 15-Aug-13 10:05:47

are you at home with your kids love? if not I think maybe admission for a short while could help? they need to get your meds right, chances are you may not be taking them right.

Messupmum Thu 15-Aug-13 13:56:31

I'm at a friends, trying to keep my mask on, but not doing it too well. Got to get some food as drastically running out but can't function enough to do it! How pathetic do I sound. I've had to admit I'm not up to working or forming a new relationship, I've kidded myself that I could, and it all went wrong. So I feel I've failed as I've become a person I don't want to be.

Accentuatethepositive Thu 15-Aug-13 14:55:18

You don't sound pathetic at all, just overwhelmed and worn out which is perfectly natural.

Can you ask your friend for help with the shopping? Even if it's just casually suggesting you go together for company?

When are you next going to be seeing a HCP?

Take care and try not to be so hard on yourself.

HoopHopes Thu 15-Aug-13 17:19:00

Hope being with a friend helps the day pass a bit easier.

Just because work and relationships are not easy or doable for now does not mean that they will always be like that. Lots of people here have had time out of work etc and then returned.

Messupmum Thu 15-Aug-13 20:55:30

I keep finding myself planning when I can be alone. I'm tryin to arrange it soon as I can't put up with these thoughts and the exhaustion. I feel really alone despite opening up to others. No one is in my head, and thats where I feel so lonely.

Why can't I be strong for others, and realise what they say is true, instead i'm in this bubble with only one train of thought.

Accentuatethepositive Thu 15-Aug-13 23:24:34

I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so low and so lonely.

I don't really feel qualified to offer any further advice but o am thinking of you.

HoopersGinger Thu 15-Aug-13 23:37:04

When is your next appointment? I am thinking of you. Please stay on touch on here.

HoopersGinger Thu 15-Aug-13 23:37:30

In touch in here x

HoopersGinger Thu 15-Aug-13 23:38:06

Bloody phone! See what it did there?

Messupmum Fri 16-Aug-13 09:42:41

On a train for a day out today, but all I can think about is jumping infront of the trains. I feel like all the people around me know my thoughts.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Fri 16-Aug-13 14:30:21

Oh Messupmum I'm so sorry you feel like this. I think you need to call your team, maybe they could tweak your medication. In the meantime can you distract yourself with a puzzle or a game on your phone? Candycrush is good.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Fri 16-Aug-13 14:30:38

The people t

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Fri 16-Aug-13 14:31:28

Sorry posted too soon. The people round you don't know your thoughts. They are probably wrapped up in themselves anyway so try not to worry about that.

HoopHopes Fri 16-Aug-13 20:03:55

Hope today was ok. To get through it, no matter what the thoughts is a good step forward. Can you tell your Cpn what you are managing to do but what you struggle with, such as you can do a day trip but struggle with thoughts and perhaps the Cpn can reassure you or suggest mantras that help or strategies.

Agree looking at medication could help. Are you on any antipsychotics, as you do not need to be psychotic for them to help.

HoopersGinger Fri 16-Aug-13 23:46:26

Just checking in to say hi OP. Great you had a day out. Hope you chilled a bit. Dark thoughts are just dark thought sometimes and can become a kind of habit. Our minds can get bad habits but don't worry about that in itself. I think you are doing great keeping in touch with friends.

Caz85 Sat 17-Aug-13 00:13:34

I am so sorry you feel this way OP. I have struggled on and off with depression for years. I know it seems hopeless but there will come a time when you do feel better.Take care x

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sat 17-Aug-13 07:48:05

Hope you are feeling a bit better this morning OP.

Messupmum Sun 18-Aug-13 22:11:44

I'm sorry, feel such a failure. In a similar place again, doing similar things. Trying to write things down to get some perspective and possibly show the psych, but my minds getting all muddled. Going to go out for a walk, I need to have that feeling of being alone in the dark and quiet streets, a hint of what it could be like not to be here anymore.

HoopHopes Sun 18-Aug-13 22:19:13

Do you have an appointment soon with a psychiatrist? Would be good for them to get a review of your medication as there is so much they can do with different medications and changes. Do you have any prn medication, I.e. a small dose of different medication to take when things are worse as that might be an option to add in?

Messupmum Sun 18-Aug-13 22:55:42

I don't have any prn medication, but am due to see psychiatrist this week.

Just been walking, by fields, was so quiet. Now back at home but feel suffocated. Don't want this anymore. I shouldn't be a mum like this, it's not right. I don't want to go forever, but if that is the only way out of this then that will have to be.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sun 18-Aug-13 23:31:37

Messupmum it is not the only way, It might seem impossible at the moment but you will feel better than this. I know people who had similar feelings to you a year or two ago and they are so happy now.

Please call Samaritans or you can email them if you don't want to talk. I am thinking of you.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sun 18-Aug-13 23:34:27
HoopersGinger Sun 18-Aug-13 23:59:03

I am here too. They are not giving you the help you need and this pisses me off greatly. If someone got physically injured so badly and was just left in pain then we would be appalled they were left to suffer without being given the right care. It is appalling you are not being given the right care because with the right care you can be picked up, made safe, looked after and healed. Please please keep trying to get help. Confide in your friends. Call somebody.

HoopHopes Mon 19-Aug-13 18:33:02

I hope you have a useful appointment with the psychiatrist to review medication, maybe make some changes that can help and even a dose of prn medication.

HoopersGinger Tue 20-Aug-13 23:59:14

Hey OP, how's it going? X

Messupmum Wed 21-Aug-13 08:51:53

I'm ok, still here. Seeing psychiatrist today, worried that my mind has gone blank and I don't know what to say. I've written things down but not sure if I've missed anything. But then I'm scared of being too open and ending up in a big mess.
I've also forgotten meds a couple of days, just forgotten, but feel no worse/better, so I think what's the point? But I'm too ashamed to admit I've done that as it looks like I'm not being compliant.

HoopHopes Wed 21-Aug-13 09:13:52

Hi hope it goes ok. Do tell them if you can you have forgotten meds as there maybe something they can do to help you with that.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Wed 21-Aug-13 09:22:27

Hope appointment goes well. I would be honest if you can, that way they can work out how best to help you. Don't feel ashamed. No one is judging you. smile

Messupmum Thu 22-Aug-13 21:38:20

I feel so crap! I keep thinking I should do it, instead of talking about it and worrying people. I'm going to have the opportunity this weekend, I don't want to 100%, which is why I seek help, but i'm starting to feel desperate. So desperate that I can't cope with the feelings, I can't cope with the guilt all the time, over absolutely everything.

I feel abandonment when people don't call or text, I think i'm too needy but then puch away people who try to help. I'm a mess, I hate it.

HoopHopes Thu 22-Aug-13 22:13:04

How did that appointment go on Wed? Do you have any follow yo or offer of support over the weekend. Have you ever tried phoning or texting the Samaritans? Sometimes it can be good to use them especially at the
weekends.

As you say you are seeking help and Samaritans are another source of help and available 24/7 which is useful.

What would help you do you think?

Messupmum Sat 24-Aug-13 22:40:57

Keep doing stupid things, been building up all week. Got thoughts of doing all sorts of things to hurt myself. Cut myself and it doesn't even hurt, I don't feel I'm real anymore, I don't seem to feel things like other people do. I wish a friend would just text me or come round, but I'm just annoying and a burden to them. No one understands.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sat 24-Aug-13 23:14:20

Text one of your friends. You aren't a burden. They probably just don't want to intrude. I'm so sorry things are tough for you OP.

Messupmum Sat 24-Aug-13 23:33:43

I don't know what to do, I've got a cut that won't close and keeps bleeding but isn't that big, about an inch, so feel stupid for getting it looked at, I have a cord around my neck which nearly made me pass out (sorry this is so bad, but the only place I'm anonymous and can say these things). I rang a friend but she's been out all day and just got into bed so I can't expect her to come round. I'm such a waste of space, I really am. I love my family so much but I am bringing them all down.

bluecheque4595 Sat 24-Aug-13 23:37:03

Praying for you.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sat 24-Aug-13 23:51:27

OP please call someone. Samaritans, your team, your friend, family, anyone. I am sending you good thoughts.

oneandnomore Sat 24-Aug-13 23:53:52

Please call 999, and if you have anyone else in rl for support please call
them too.
Do it now lovely, please. (hugs)

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sat 24-Aug-13 23:54:23

You are not a waste of space, you are ill. One day you will start to feel a bit better, and then a bit better again. I know it seems impossible but you can be happy again. Things are darkest just before the dawn. x

Messupmum Sat 24-Aug-13 23:54:47

My friend just said to ignore the bad thoughts, I can't! Family are away. Have no out of ours teams I can call. Starting to feel like I can't breathe.

bluecheque4595 Sat 24-Aug-13 23:57:27

Can you find some way to distract yourself from yourself? Like, read a book, watch a film, think someone else's thoughts rather than focusing on your own self and your own feelings? Sorry if this is silly but it's what I do when feeling really down. Practice complicated time tables, try and speak in another language, recite a poem...

oneandnomore Sat 24-Aug-13 23:57:51

Just call 999. Ask for an ambulance and give your address.
They will come and help you. Please call now

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sun 25-Aug-13 00:01:40

I think it can be hard to ignore intrusive throughts. When you try not to think of something, that's all you can think about.

Some people say it's better to acknowledge the thoughts as they come and then let them go. Could you imagine locking your negative thoughts away in a safe or a filing cabinet?

Are there any good things at all that happened today? Even if it's just that you had a nice cup of tea or you are wearing your favourite socks?

oneandnomore Sun 25-Aug-13 00:02:16

Are you still on here OP? We are still here for you.

Messupmum Sun 25-Aug-13 00:03:03

I feel Iike I'd be wasting their time. I would drive there but I don't think I can. Been distracting myself, nothing works, wish I could just go to bed but I know I'll wake up feeling the same.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sun 25-Aug-13 00:07:51

Please call Samaritans or visit a&e Messup. I think you need some help in RL tonight.

Practically, can you try and concentrate on taking big deep breaths? In for a count of 3, then out for a count of 3; then 4 then 5 etc.

We are all rooting for you and want you to get better.

oneandnomore Sun 25-Aug-13 00:10:24

You won't be wasting anyone's time. You know yourself enough to know that your illness won't improve on its own.
You are posting here and receiving support. But you also know that you need rl help.
I need to go to bed know, but there is always someone around on here, whatever the time to hold your hand.
I'll check back later.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sun 25-Aug-13 00:18:46

I agree with oneandnomore. You need more help with this. Someone who had broken their leg wouldn't expect it to heal by itself, they would get an expert to fix it.

If you can go to sleep now, I would do that and drive to a&e in the morning. You are not wasting anyone's time. You are a person and you are important.

Holding your hand.

Messupmum Sun 25-Aug-13 00:23:21

I can't sleep, I'm crying too much. Sorry about this.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sun 25-Aug-13 00:30:39

Can you get yourself a glass of water or cup of tea? Do you think you could manage to call Samaritans or 999?

HoopHopes Sun 25-Aug-13 00:30:45

Hi you sound very distressed and I am sorry to hear that. Did the psychiatrist prescribe you any sleeping tablets or prn medication that you could take one dose of right now to help?

I am going to be logged onto MN for half an hour now so if you want to chat I am here!! And I can chat about random silky and distracting normal stuff if that is what you want. Or not!!

Messupmum Sun 25-Aug-13 00:35:01

I just feel like I can't move. I've got something round my neck I keep tightening, also I wasn't going to say this but taken a few too many meds, plus cut over my cut! Sorry I'm such a mess, I want to be away from all of this.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sun 25-Aug-13 00:43:37

I understand you want to be away from this but the best way is to get better. Call 999. You need help IRL.

HoopHopes Sun 25-Aug-13 01:03:30

Hi you have said you want help and you can get help now. Firstly you can get away from things that are dangerous in the house, like a different room. Have you ever phoned or texted the Samaritans, they can be a great help and good distraction. No they are not a magic cure but a help.

funkypigeon Sun 25-Aug-13 01:03:51

Hi OP, I've read the whole thread, and I am here for you.

Right here. Post something love, I'm here.

HoopHopes Sun 25-Aug-13 01:04:39

What can you do that is nice, a treat? Anything to be kind to yourself?

HoopHopes Sun 25-Aug-13 01:05:26

What about going to a minor injuries unit or a and e for medical treatment?

Messupmum Sun 25-Aug-13 01:09:26

I don't deserve anything nice for the thoughts I'm having. I rang out of hours, because I'm scared I can't control these thoughts and actions, and no matter how badly I want to die, I know it's not the right thing. However if it happens, it happens, and I hope people will understand. It can't be normal to be sat with a noose and taking too many tablets (I've not told them that).

HoopHopes Sun 25-Aug-13 01:16:14

What have out of hours done, are they offering you an appointment? You may not feel you deserve anything nice but recovery is a process and it is about taking the help offered and using it. So why not think of one kind thing you could do for you that would be good for you... Such as a warm drink and biscuit, such as going into a different room from the dangerous things. Crisis team used to tell me to switch tv onto a nice programme, or DVD, not necessarily to watch but to have on as a gentle distraction.

funkypigeon Sun 25-Aug-13 01:20:27

You're right, it's not the right thing. You deserve to get the help you need, that's why enough is enough now, you are suffering and you now NEED 999.

Please call them, you won't be alone anymore and they'll look after you.

lottieandmia Sun 25-Aug-13 01:22:31

sad OP - this is not your fault - you have an illness. You deserve nice things and you deserve to get well again. A distraction would be a good idea - do you have a favourite film?

lottieandmia Sun 25-Aug-13 01:27:38

I think that from what you say you need to be in hospital for a while at least. You need to be taken care of right now. I had a hospital admission once and the staff were very kind to me and it was the right place for me at that time.

Messupmum Sun 25-Aug-13 01:31:18

I don't know what to do, I'm in bed(fully clothed, still with ligature, using it more but not properly) some are saying 999, others saying distraction. Icant see straight, feel dizzy. Out of hours haven't called back yet. I'm so scared, I'd rather not be here than dealing with this and making others suffer.

thornrose Sun 25-Aug-13 01:37:17

Please call 999, you don't want to die because you are so clearly crying out for help. I think it's too late for distraction, you are in dire need.

cafecito Sun 25-Aug-13 01:44:28

OP, I was suicidal a few times, very much so, and now I am SO so glad I didn't do it. At the time it seemed like the only way out but now I know if I had taken my life, not only would DC have suffered enormously, despite my thinking I am a shit mum and they're better off without me, they could have thought it was their fault, I didn't love them, or whatever they could have felt, on some level this would have haunted them. I also would never have got to see the light around the corner. It can get better, I promise you it can even if you can't see that crevice of light yet in the darkness. Please put the ligature down, please. Can you tell us what tablets you took? Can you call 999?

cafecito Sun 25-Aug-13 01:45:46

OP I am a medical student, not a doctor, but I have been there myself. If you cannot get to a safe place yourself now like an A&E department, You must call 999. You know it's not the right thing, you know it's not the right way or the right time. Please. Please please please.

cafecito Sun 25-Aug-13 01:47:34

You're not making anyone else suffer by being here, I promise you that. You're not alone. There is light somewhere and you'll be helped finding it again. I promise it is possible.

Messupmum Sun 25-Aug-13 01:52:19

I took 600mg sertraline, not enough. Out of hours just rang and asked me to go to their urgent care clinic. I just agreed but I'm too tired now to move, and I know they won't do anything

cafecito Sun 25-Aug-13 01:59:08

Where is the clinic?

thornrose Sun 25-Aug-13 02:00:29

Will they really not do anything? Can you get a cab there and at least talk to someone?

cafecito Sun 25-Aug-13 02:01:21

I think you should stay awake. You are dressed. You have taken an overdose of your antidepressant and feel unsafe. As long as you feel unsafe you must be somewhere you can be made safe until you feel strong enough yourself.
Really, if you don't believe they will help you, is your nearest A&E much further? I would not want you to go to sleep when you feel like this I would urge you to go in.

cafecito Sun 25-Aug-13 02:04:32

I have felt so terrified before, scared of what I was capable of doing to myself and terrified by my sudden decreased ability to fight those urges.
I was told I MUST go to A&E, just walk in off the street at any time, if I ever felt unsafe. I have since worked A&E nights, and I can promise you I would much rather someone came in and tell me how they are feeling and what is going on for them than struggle on their own at home. It's my role to help and I would never want anyone to stay alone when they can walk straight in through the automatic doors and be seen 24 hours a day. It's so, so so important.

thornrose Sun 25-Aug-13 02:13:39

I don't even know you and I want you to live!

You seem desperate for help, please, please do what you can to get that help.

cafecito Sun 25-Aug-13 02:59:56

OP I hope you are ok and have gone in to speak to someone and get some help.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sun 25-Aug-13 07:03:01

How are you this morning OP? I'm so sorry you had such an awful night.

oneandnomore Sun 25-Aug-13 07:33:17

I hope you are safe this morning OP. Sorry that you were confused by the different advice last night. We all want for you to be ok.

Messupmum Sun 25-Aug-13 08:32:09

I feel shaky and dizzy, and so tired but didn't sleep well. The doctor rang back but I was too tired to get to the clinic, and couldn't drive, so managed to persuade him that I was ok and would call if I needed to.

I don't know what to do this morning. Thought about going to the walk in clinic, but I'm scared. Plus I'm in bed and feel really groggy.

xenzani Sun 25-Aug-13 08:46:37

I don't have any advice but I am thinking of you.

I know it's really hard but please be honest with the doctor. Tell them how you really feel, all of it and just how desperate you are.

Take things slowly, hour by hour and keep posting.

OliviaMMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 25-Aug-13 08:57:44

Hello OP
So sorry you're feeling like this here is a list of List of RL professionals who can help
Please do seek RL help
Kindest

jumpingpillows Sun 25-Aug-13 10:06:06

If you want help and support you need to be honest with the team looking after you and allow them to make a proper clinical assessment about your care. If you told the Dr last night you were too tired/dizzy to drive they would have made arrangements to see you.

If you are currently sitting with items tied round your neck and taking pills then you must seek real life support from your mental health team. Mumsnet can support and help you too but we can not provide emergency 999 care for when you collapse. You say you know the clinic won't do anything - well it depends on how honest you are with them.

There are a lot of people on here that care for you and want to help you. You need to access appropriate services and be honest so you are cared for physically so people on here can give you emotional support while you are undergoing that care and treatment.

Stay safe.

Messupmum Sun 25-Aug-13 11:56:40

I'm sat in out of hours to get my leg looked at, will say how I'm feeling too.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sun 25-Aug-13 12:07:47

Well done OP. We all want you to feel better.

oneandnomore Sun 25-Aug-13 16:21:31

Well done for getting some help. We are here if you need us.

HoopHopes Sun 25-Aug-13 17:40:55

Good to hear you have been able to get to out of hours to get your leg treated. Hope you not waiting too long.

HoopHopes Sun 25-Aug-13 20:09:42

How did you get on at out of hours?

Messupmum Sun 25-Aug-13 20:49:01

Saw a lovely nurse, got my leg glued up and was meant to see a gp but I got too hot and panicky. and there were lot's of people there. So I told them i'd speak to a gp if I need to, and seeing cmht on wednesday.

Feeling really tearful this evening, don't want to see anyone. I'm a mess, mentally and physically, and hate the fact i'm scarring myself but I can't help it sometimes.

HoopHopes Sun 25-Aug-13 22:27:54

Glad you got it treated ok. And you had the offer of a dr if you wanted it. You can still see an out of hours gp anytime over the bank holiday and they will have the records of your appointment with the nurse to make it easier for you.

bluecheque4595 Sun 25-Aug-13 22:29:38

Thinking of you.

lazybint Mon 26-Aug-13 19:56:04

Hi OP how are you feeling?

Messupmum Tue 27-Aug-13 07:22:49

I hate waking up each morning with that panicky feeling. The thought of another day to get through, scared of how I'm going to cope. Feel so dizzy and disorientated, really wobbly.

Trumpton Tue 27-Aug-13 07:36:02

Sweetheart , all through your posts I hear my son's voice. He is battling through the same as you and all I can say to you is that it WILL improve.
But if you end your life it can never improve.
Someone out there will help you to find the coping mechanisms to improve your health.
It's a dark and lonely place where you are at the moment but the sun will shine again for you.

Messupmum Wed 28-Aug-13 16:35:32

Apparently I'm no where near to getting admitted?! So having thoughts and urges that are hard to control, and taking pills and using ligatures are normal then, and just something I need to get on with. I don't want to go to hospital and I didn't ask to, but I said I was worried about psychology saying I'm not stable enough to start with them, but I was told I would have to be in hospital for therapy to be put on hold.

I don't know why, but this made me feel no one ever takes me seriously, I try asking for help, and I know I'm getting it. But when things are really hard I think what's the point to telling anyone, as being suicidal isn't taken seriously.

I'm probably being really unreasonable, I just came out of the appt and cried, then came home, done 'mum' things while wishing I wasn't here and ways out. I don't know what I want, what I expect to happen, but I'm sick of meds being thrown at me and never working.

I'm sick of this life.

HoopHopes Wed 28-Aug-13 23:01:31

Hi maybe they put therapy on hold when in hospital because usually when in hospital you are on close monitoring ( usually a hca with a clipboard has to just see you) and getting to and for therapy and not having anyone responsible for risk is too high a risk for the hospital ( being sued etc).

I totally hear you. Today I told someone I could not got on and got told see you next week. It is hard when we want help but in reality we are getting what is available on the NHS. Can you ask for help with coping strategies for you to use? I did. Got told distract, have tv on, phone Samaritans, plan nice and kind things, take responsibility for myself by not having dangerous things near me etc ... Sometimes they help, other times I just have to curl up in bed as all I can do to survive. And sometimes surviving is all we can do.

Sending you a hug as my words probably are no use! Xx

HoopHopes Wed 28-Aug-13 23:02:40

When do you startsychology? Why not tell them in very first session what you wrote here to see if it helps?

absentmindeddooooodles Wed 28-Aug-13 23:27:34

Have just read the thread. I hope you are ok op. Silly thing to say in the circumstances I know. But it will gwt better. Get through this for your family. You are being so strong. Everyone on here is here for you too. I have no great advice but sending you hugs and support. If you are anywhere near me then please please dont hesitate to message me if theres anything I can do. Even if its just getting some shopping or sitting and having a cuppa xx

Messupmum Wed 28-Aug-13 23:32:08

Your words are of a big use actually, as I feel exactly the same and it can be a lonely place to be. So I appreciate you posting when you're feeling rubbish yourself, it makes me feel I'm not the only one feeling let down .

I told them about the weekend, and worsening thoughts, and I get told I will get no follow up psychiatrist appt, and can see my cpn next week or in 3 weeks!

I have been told to use those exact coping strategies. I find they hardly work, and staying in bed is the only way of keeping safe. They don't listen when I say I don't always want to stay safe, I want to hurt myself!

Hope you're ok tonight Hoophopes, I should be asleep as exhausted all the time, but then get too anxious to sleep. I really, really hate this.

LittleDragon Thu 29-Aug-13 01:41:04

Messupmum I have been where you are, please believe me when I say things can get better! You may feel you are a burden to your friends and family but you are not!
If you need someone to talk to you can pm me on here and I will do whatever I can to help, I am unable to work through disability so I am around a lot of the time!

HoopHopes Thu 29-Aug-13 10:44:48

Messedup, what I have learnt is that I have to do this myself really. Sometimes I forget that and hope to be rescued by the NHS, or anyone really, as am so low but in slightly brighter moments I realise I have to do things that help me as no one else will. Some of those coping strategies do work such as the tv on as background but not in a great change of mood way. Someone explained the science of having something else to focus on and since I remembered that ( brain too mush to type it) I try to use that one at least.

I got to rock bottom yesterday, told the Cpn that and got told see you next week. I think logically medication, a Cpn and counselling ( not that I got more than 5 sessions) is all the NHS has.

So today my mission is on helping myself as that is the only person I can rely on. It is hard as my self destruct button is so huge right now. But I have to try. I know sunshine helps my mood so am trying to get dressed today and out the house. Need to cook vegetables and eat nice food. Take my child to a park or something. Watch something I recorded off the tv tonight. Well those are my goals.

What are you hoping to do today? All psychiatrists do are diagnose and medication so I never find them helpful for ongoing care and most gp's or Cpn's can sort medication I find if there is a problem with it.

Sorry major waffle there!

Messupmum Fri 30-Aug-13 08:54:55

Argh, I don't want to get dressed, I don't want to eat, clean, go out, do anything! I've had enough, I'm tired. I went to bed so early last night as I couldn't face anything, but still have no energy.

I have to get up though. Otherwise I get moaned at, one week left until school then I can hide away more.

Messupmum Fri 30-Aug-13 21:02:45

It seems quiet here atm, or maybe no one reads this. Anyway I find it helps to vent. I feel crap, emotional but can't cry, anxious and over protective then don't care, scared then feel relief that I could easily end all this. I get overwhelmed with emotions, then feel totally flat and unable to feel anything for anyone.

I find stories about mums who have killed themselves and I can't stop reading it. I read about how children move on and can do well. Trying to reassure myself. Then I think, I need to label school clothes and get school term started first? Wtf? I'm so confused and I badly want to hurt myself. I think a cut is a bit infected, but I don't feel the need to get it looked at, I don't deserve to, it was my fault! Sorry for venting rubbish.

Dear M.U.M.

I won't call you MessUp because you aren't messed up - you're just struggling with things a bit at the moment, and that can change. Anyway, your nickname spells MUM to me, and that's how your DCs see you too. You are obviously holding things together for their sake, and you can be proud of yourself for that.

I've been lurking on your thread since you first posted, and thinking about you. All I can say is that there are plenty of stories, especially here, of mothers who have been through what you're going through and coming out the other side, glad that they didn't give in to the urges, not only for their children's sakes but so that they could enjoy the future which for you is just around the corner, out of sight at the moment, but it's there.

Lots of people here have been helped by calling or texting the Samaritans. Could that work for you? Would you get some satisfaction from sorting out those school name tapes? Try to do something that will make you feel good about yourself, however small it might seem. More importantly, get a good night's sleep. Have you been taught the 7/11 breathing technique? Count to 7 for the in-breath, 11 as you exhale. This will calm you down, I promise, and help you to get to sleep. Tomorrow is another day, a fresh start, and you will be OK.

You are not alone. i'm thinking of you and will check in tomorrow x

Messupmum Fri 30-Aug-13 22:28:04

Thank you. I am messed up though, and been reading childhood diaries and I've always been messed up!

I have used the Samaritans a lot in the past, but feel I'm beyond their help now. Sorry if that sounds ungrateful, I just need someone to be firm and blunt, not just listen to me moaning.

I think this is me, my life, and just the way I am. I don't think it's good for those close to me. Seeing me like this, getting worse instead of better.

I hate myself for saying this, and it sounds so wrong. But I feel like giving up, I don't know if I want to try to keep safe, to take meds, to fight this. I sound selfish, but its too hard.

OK, here's a firm and blunt reply. I'm going to bed now, and you should do the same. Doesn't matter if you can't get to sleep, just keep breathing in and breathing out. If unwelcome thoughts come into your head, notice them, and let them know you will deal with them tomorrow. I get the feeling you want to get better, it's just a matter of finding the energy to seek the help you need. Please look after yourself, you are worth it. I'm sure others will be along to give you advice soon, and I'll be back in the morning.

Hope you had a good night's sleep, M.U.M. and that today will be a better one for you. Keep posting here if it helps x

Messupmum Sat 31-Aug-13 17:41:47

Feeling a bit wobbly, got a lot of things happening next week, big changes. I know that could be making me more anxious.

It's good that you recognise there is a reason for your anxiety. Take it one step at a time and keep breathing deep and calming breaths x

LittleDragon Sat 31-Aug-13 21:23:47

It's all about taking it one step at a time and using the support you have both here and in RL. Its a good sign that you're able to recognise your anxiety and the reason behind it. You are strong enough to get through this!

Hope today has been better, M.u.M x

Messupmum Sun 01-Sep-13 22:42:32

Today was ok, had a day with family, but its now I realise how distant I was and how detached I felt. I feel everyone hates me, irrational though I know.

Feeling sorry for myself tonight, though I have no right to. I feel I'm doing everything wrong ( even feeling bad my dd has a bike too small for her?!) and the fact I'm not working right now, god just everything! The therapy might help these thoughts, but I feel too far gone iykwim.

Actually feeling really odd right now, even typing this, my fingers don't feel like mine. I can't describe it, but its like my body isn't mine and isn't working properly. Keep making mistakes, feel numb.

Could easily walk away right now, I don't feel like I'm here. Very disorientated. I could do anything right now, it's like I'm somebody else. This probably doesn't make sense. I don't even know what I've done for the past few hours.

MuM - I've just re-read your whole thread and even if it doesn't feel like it to you, I can see that you have made progress since your first post. You are engaging with people, both in rl and on here, and the therapy will help with your thoughts. It's OK to feel sorry for yourself, and good to express that. You're brave to admit to your feelings, and if you can just keep going, things can get better. Rest well, and I hope the big changes you mentioned in the coming week will be positive ones.
x

HoopHopes Sun 01-Sep-13 23:29:41

Hope you got the name tapes sorted too and all the busyness for next week and term starting.

Messupmum Mon 02-Sep-13 09:01:30

So angry about everything this morning, everyone's annoying me, I don't deserve to be here anymore! I am messed up, I know I am.

Messupmum Mon 02-Sep-13 10:25:08

Now I'm crying and I don't know what to do. Got to try and hide it.

Dear MuM
It's OK to be messed up - you have recognised that and want to do something about it. You're only human, and you do deserve to be here. Can you get out in the sunshine with your DC today and distract yourself a bit? Don't expect too much of yourself when you're feeling so vulnerable - celebrate small achievements instead of beating yourself up for the things you can't manage.
x

Messupmum Mon 02-Sep-13 11:07:00

I tried to do some school work books with dd but she's so stubborn and I end up getting cross, it all goes wrong and I'm in my room crying again. I hate myself. I'd do anything to stay in bed right now. I feel so alone.

Can you get a friend round today, MuM? Trynto make things easier for yourself if you can. Your DD won't mind not doing school work, I'm sure, so find something very simple that doesn't require too much of your precious and limited energy. Stay safe x

HoopHopes Mon 02-Sep-13 15:11:40

Hi, school will be soon starting so I can see your dd not wanting to do work as children just love play!! And they can learn so much through play as well! If make a cake they can measure and weigh, mix, could down time for oven, count cakes out ( if little ones), count decorations etc.

It is so hard being a parent and having health issues. Esp in holiday times. I find a structure suits me best, and I currently take my dc to the library once a week- a walk, someone to say hello to and an activity dc likes. Hard to get motivated I know.

Messupmum Mon 02-Sep-13 22:12:03

I get the feeling people in RL are thinking how selfish I am. They keep trying to put the guilt-trip on me. Making me feel ashamed and embarrassed, so I end up covering up what I am thinking/doing to protect them and myself. I can't cope with the shame anymore, I am thinking of the right time to do it. I will get told there is no right time but I believe there is. I don't want to leave but I can't carry on.

HoopHopes Mon 02-Sep-13 22:40:08

Who is it in real life that is saying those things to you? Are they just not able to say the right things to help you because they do not have those skills?

I have been bad this past week and one friend who used to be so helpful was just really useless and did not even bother to see me, despite knowing she was not busy etc. I got myself into a right state and my messed up brain told me all sorts of critical things. But at the end of the day I have to keep telling myself no one else matters, and I have to show kindness to myself no matter what others say.

So as your brain is trying to keep you alive ( yes it is as I was told when we think of ways out, ie suicide, it is because we have not learnt or accepted other and more safer ways!!) what can you do tonight and tomorrow to be kind to yourself? And by the way it is ok to have a good day or two- you will not lose professional support because you are doing ok. I fell into that trap, thinking I had to tell them all the bad bits all the time and I got told no point giving me a treatment as I was not responding enough--- so it is ok to think good thoughts and do ok and safe things you can tell your brain. You can tell yourself it is ok to be safe, tucked up in bed with a game like candy crush, a magazine, a DVD, to paint toe nails and to plan nice meals to cook etc. it is so easy for our brains to focus only on mental health, that they forget about nice things.

Sorry I a, typing what I need to do myself. So off to bed with a magazine to distract my brain! Hope tomorrow ok.

MuM - I am thinking of you and hope today has been a bit easier for you.

Messupmum Tue 03-Sep-13 20:21:56

HoopHopes, you are so right when you say about feeling you can't say about good moments to the professionals. I think I do that because I am scared of being left alone. Though this is because the lows outweigh the highs, and this horrible mental illness is taking over right now, affecting every day. I might have an hour or so sometimes when I think, this is what it must be like to be 'normal'. But then it goes.

Maybe it's my fault, I let the bad stuff take over, I can't control the urges sometimes, and its so scary. The bad thoughts are so overwhelming.

I find keeping the house in order helps my mind feel more in order, so I try to keep on top of that. It can be obsessive though. I feel rubbish about myself and even if I make an effort I have no self esteem. I want to cry.

Messupmum Tue 03-Sep-13 20:22:55

And thank you Sij, it helps to know someone is there listening. X

HoopHopes Tue 03-Sep-13 22:43:53

Few words right now but am here!! Think professionals like to hear good bits as it gets them to see you as a person if that makes sense. It was when I was told I was losing support as not got better that I realised the trap I fell into.

HoopHopes Tue 03-Sep-13 22:44:23

Oh and organised house, wow!!

Messupmum Tue 03-Sep-13 23:15:25

I need to let this out somewhere, even though I'm ashamed. As again I'm thinking there's only one way out of this. I'm lying in bed crying, wishing I was alone so I can take the pills I've been stockpiling. I've hit rock bottom again, but scared of saying something, scared of keeping it to myself. Starting therapy very soon, but I don't know if I can, I just want to be free from everything, and allow everyone to carry on with their lives without me being a constant worry/burden.

HoopHopes Tue 03-Sep-13 23:53:28

Hi. Sorry a tough night. Is it the thought of therapy that is making things harder for you right now?

HoopHopes Wed 04-Sep-13 00:01:54

Do you know what type of therapy you are having and who with? I would imagine the first few sessions will be quite light and just about getting to know you, learning about how they work and their rules etc ( they usually tell you all the admin stuff etc).

If I tell you about my experience it may help. I met the lady, she told me about how she worked- when meet, where meet, number of sessions allocated, length of time (50 mins, how weird I thought but they see someone every hour and have a ten min gap so sensible!!), what type of treatment they offered - eg CBT etc. then asked me what I wanted out of it, any questions I had etc.

It is not a magic cure. It is about helping you work out things and depending in the type of talking therapy as to the outcome. It can help only of prepared to use it and make changes. It does not work if not prepared to use it and it is not a life long provision by the NHS so useful to think about what want out of it. It can help alongside medication, support services etc. if after a few sessions you do not click with the person it is worth telling them that. I once had some private counselling and really clicked with the lady but after lots of sessions had to accept she was not helping me, however nice the sessions were - but it was my money and it was not a good use of it sadly.

Hope tomorrow calmer. Do you have any other support people you can contact, as therapist often do not allow contact between sessions, so often people have a care co ordinator ( a Cpn, to or sw) they can contact between sessions.

The best advice I was given when I had my sessions was to be myself and do not pretend to be someone else as they can not treat what they see!!!

Hope you can cuddle up in bed and have nice drink, or read or distract on Internet or a game or something ( which is what I am doing!!!)

Night night x

Please don't be ashamed MuM - you have been very brave to be so honest here. Hold on to what you said on Monday - "I don't want to leave". It is hard for you at the moment, but there are people who can help you if you let them. Has your DD gone back to school now? I hope you can concentrate on yourself and your recovery today. September is a good time for fresh starts - would it be helpful to visualise yourself going back to school this term, new pencil case and all, and working on the project that is YOU? There will be teachers (therapists) to help you with your work. You don't have to do this all by yourself, but you DO have to do it if you are going to achieve your goal of not leaving. I really hope you will x

Messupmum Wed 04-Sep-13 14:42:19

Hi, today is quite hard, feelings of paranoia and that I'm being judged, even by kids. Think that cars going past are going to stop and people are going to turn up at mine.

The therapy is group therapy, I have no idea what to expect. It's long term. I haven't showered today, place is getting messy and I haven't done things I needed to do. I want to ring my cpn but I don't know her that well and I don't know what to say so there's no point really.

HoopHopes Wed 04-Sep-13 19:01:47

I hope this afternoon has gone ok. It is ok to want to ring a Cpn even if you do not do it. Do you see her regularly? I find if there are things I want to talk about I write them down for next session, would that help you?

Ah yes start of term, will that give you a bit if time to start doing things at home. I find house jobs overwhelming so try to do just one thing a day right now.

I'm still here, MuM. Hope you will find some positives today x

Messupmum Thu 05-Sep-13 09:11:18

Hallucinating again, great, just what I need today.

Cpn is new so I haven't had a proper appt with her yet.

yellowballoons Thu 05-Sep-13 09:18:39

I can see that you are finding it all new and scary. But glad you have got long term group therapy.

It means that if it doesnt go well today, or quite how you hoped, there are always more sessions.

Messupmum Thu 05-Sep-13 20:09:57

Sometimes there is just too much going on all at once and my head can't cope with it all. I kind of feel on the edge of a breakdown, I keep trying to say to people I'm not looking forward to such and such, or finding a situation hard, and I get told to enjoy things more, or just get through it, to stop worrying.

I feel really upset that once again I'm finding it hard to talk to professionals, probably because I've had lots of changes and sometimes I'm so open and honest, then nothing happens anyway.

Sitting here crying, dreading tomorrow as so much happening. Started group therapy this week and to be honest I don't know how it's going to stop me wanting to end it all.

Messupmum Thu 05-Sep-13 22:41:44

I really, really don't want to carry on. Just want the courage to do it.

Ijustbluemyself Thu 05-Sep-13 22:43:07

Have you called the Samaritans? They might help you get through this tonight x

yellowballoons Thu 05-Sep-13 22:52:09

I dont think that you should be told to enjoy things more.

Am a bit confused as only just got back to here. What is happening tomorrow? You had the group therapy on wednesday this week?

HoopHopes Thu 05-Sep-13 23:45:21

Do you have other professional support other than your group therapy, a care co-ordinator perhaps. Oh if I remember right you just have a new Cpn. Well they do not tend to do therapy as such but can co- ordinate care and liaise between gp, dr's, therapy leaders and help manage medication and practical help.

I think group therapy, ESP long term is meant to be great ( not had chance of it) but because it is not 6-8 sessions then it tends to be more gentle to start with and therefore you may not think it is helpful to start with as it takes time to settle into it. Perhaps ask your Cpn why you got given long term group therapy?

I know it sounds trite but the Samaritans can be great. Not to solve things, but to ring or text just to offload in person. Sometimes being heard is helpful.

You say when you are open and honest nothing happens, but you have a Cpn now and longer term therapy which is at least a start to giving you help. I guess it may not feel like an answer, but believe me itcan be very hard to get anything out of mental health services!! Is there something you are wanting and needing help with that is not being met? Can you ask directly for what you want? Is there something about tomorrow that is hard?

Really sorry to ear things are so tough. Am trying not to say just get through it, but someone told me today I should be proud of having got myself through the last few weeks and actually sometimes just carrying on is an achievement. Lets hope in a few weeks it can be more than that for both of us!!

Hugs

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Fri 06-Sep-13 04:25:50

Just thinking of you and hoping you are ok.

Hi MuM

Sending supportive wishes for whatever you have to cope with today. My favourite Winston Churchill quote is:
"If you're going through hell, keep going"

Hope that might help you today xx

Messupmum Fri 06-Sep-13 11:57:03

I don't think I've said whats going on today, just changes I need to cope with, don't want to give too much away as too paranoid.

I just feel sick today, constantly sweaty and headachy. Feel like I'm always saying the wrong things to whoever I speak to, as I over compensate and talk rubbish.

Due to stuff going on today, I haven't got a chance to ring my cpn, even though I think I need to talk to someone. I'll have to wait until next week if I can. I have used the Samaritans in the past, just haven't recently and don't know why.

yellowballoons Fri 06-Sep-13 12:19:09

Ring the Samaritans if you need to.

HoopHopes Fri 06-Sep-13 19:34:43

Can you book An appointment to see her on mon so talk face to face.

Hope today better than you feared

How are you doing today, MuM? Just wanted you to know that you're in my thoughts. No need to reply if you've got too much going on, or just don't feel like it!
x

Messupmum Sat 07-Sep-13 22:47:17

Driving around, want to succumb to the urges!

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sat 07-Sep-13 22:56:50

Get yourself to a safe place Mess and then call Samaritans and speak to them. We all want you to stay safe.

yellowballoons Sat 07-Sep-13 23:04:56

I am here too. Agree with the previous poster.

yellowballoons Sat 07-Sep-13 23:11:47

How far away are you from home? Please drive safely home.

yellowballoons Sat 07-Sep-13 23:15:03

Last week you said that you need someone to be firm and blunt.

I am now going to be firm and blunt.

DRIVE HOME SAFELY NOW. AND I MEAN NOW.

Messupmum Sat 07-Sep-13 23:17:23

Home isn't a safe place, there are pills etc there. Sorry

yellowballoons Sat 07-Sep-13 23:21:55

Ok. Fair enough.
Park outside your nearest hospital? Or park outside your friends house?

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sat 07-Sep-13 23:25:24

Can you call Samaritans Mess?

Messupmum Sat 07-Sep-13 23:29:09

I tried but it was a man so I hung up. Sat in hospital carpark but don't want to go in, I'd feel too stupid.

yellowballoons Sat 07-Sep-13 23:33:32

Well done for driving there. You dont have to go in if you dont want to. I just wanted you to drive to somewhere safe. Well done.

We love you Messupmum.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sat 07-Sep-13 23:35:57

I think you should either call again, maybe you will get a woman smile. Or go into the hospital. Which one will you do? Have you eaten anything this evening?

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sat 07-Sep-13 23:38:28

Yellowballoons is right. Well done for getting safely to the hospital car park smile

Messupmum Sat 07-Sep-13 23:48:02

I couldn't remember if I had eaten anything, but don't think I have. Everything's a blur. I came home, there was noting in my car to harm myself with sad

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sun 08-Sep-13 00:14:19

Can you have something to eat? Even if it's just a piece of toast?

Messupmum Sun 08-Sep-13 00:18:59

Ok I will, home now. So paranoid, feel there are people all around the house and everyone knows what I'm thinking. Please don't report these posts, I'm too scared I'm going to get taken away. I want to hide away, I'm too scared.

yellowballoons Sun 08-Sep-13 00:33:29

No one is likely to report them. I dont think that MN do anything anyway.

[hugs]
I will pray for you.

yellowballoons Sun 08-Sep-13 00:35:27

Can you lie down on the floor with a cushion and rest? With a coat to keep you warm?

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sun 08-Sep-13 00:40:51

Sending you positive thoughts x

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sun 08-Sep-13 02:32:56

How are you doing now? Did you have anything to eat?

Messupmum Sun 08-Sep-13 05:24:10

Been awake since 4, thought I heard phones ringing. Trying to work out what to do, but feel too numb to think straight. I haven't a clue what to do for the best.

pudseypie Sun 08-Sep-13 06:09:11

Ring the Samaritans again now. Chances are someone else will answer now. You need to speak to someone. Thinking of you and sending you lots of positive thoughts and support. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself.

yellowballoons Sun 08-Sep-13 07:30:49

I hope that you were able to get some more rest.

SugarandSpice126 Mon 09-Sep-13 11:31:16

thinking of you x

MuM - still here and hoping you are safe x

Messupmum Mon 09-Sep-13 14:11:39

Struggling, but trying to get on with it. Irritable, anxious, tired, want to cry and have no idea what I'm doing half the time. Don't want to carry on, finding smallest tasks so stressful. Want to get into bed but its not fair on dd.

Well done for trying to get on with things even when you're struggling. Don't set yourself too many unachievable tasks - be gentle with yourself when you're feeling so tired. Hope you have spoken to your cpn now. Can you put the TV on and snuggle on the sofa with DD? You are doing so well, please stay safe x

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Mon 09-Sep-13 20:03:22

Yes well done Mess. Thinking of you and hoping things get better soon x

Messupmum Tue 10-Sep-13 09:33:05

Just tried to get a GP appt and ring cmht but no one is around today, I'm just sat crying when I know I've got stuff to do but I can't stop crying.

Mentioned to my friend about being entitled to free school dinners and she made me feel really ashamed. I don't want to live like this, but I don't know how to get better. Therapy has just started and I can't face the long struggle.

Consils Tue 10-Sep-13 10:27:35

Why are you so reluctant to be an inpatient.

It might be the break that you need. I had my own room and could do more or less what I pleased, within the hospital grounds. It sounds to me as though it would give you a safe break.

My question mark key does not work by the way.

Have you showed this thread to the crisis team and or your cpn or care co-ordinator.

Would you be willing to go in if they offered you a bed. I had my own room and privacy. Do you know what your local hospital is like. In mine they had loads of occupational therapy (although I didn't use it) and a gymn.

I am fairly sure that if you told the team about the ligatures and stocks of pills then they would give you the option of an admission. They would almost certainly give you something to restore good sleep hygiene.

Is there someone who could look after your child or children for a few days to give you some rest and perspective.

What medication are you on.

Consils Tue 10-Sep-13 10:36:57

pm me if you want to talk about what it is like in hospital. (It is not really like a hospital because you don't stay in bed all day. It is more like a small modest hotel where you are monitored and given the opportunity to do things to take your mind off things. You are given a designated nurse on each shift and you can talk to him her about your thoughts and feelings.

You would see the psychiatrist on his ward round once a week or once every two weeks if you are in there for the longer term.

Plenty of people leave hospital and go on to lead happy and successful lives.

I really think you should show someone; your gp, your cpn, your crisis team or the facilitator of your group therapy this thread.

It strikes me that sometimes they target 'help' at people who just want to be left alone and then there are people like you who really need help and they just seem to miss it. It may be that you are keeping on top of the housework. They tend to go in when there is evidence of a decline in the home environment. I would urge you to share this thread if you want them to take you seriously.

With all best wishes to you and not wishing to see you struggling alone.

xx

Consils Tue 10-Sep-13 10:39:35

And well done for keeping on top of the housework when you are feeling so low, by the way. It is just that they are trained that the environment is the first thing to go.

Messupmum Tue 10-Sep-13 11:47:26

This has gone on for so long I need a break/a change of routine, something just to get myself out of this awful place.

I've had admission mentioned but then when I'm at breaking point I get told admission would be no benefit to me. Maybe due to my bpd diagnosis? I don't know. It would also put a hold on the therapy that everyone else has been relying on ( I have less faith it will work ).

I think it could be because I look well and the house is tidy and clean, I get out most of the time, see people etc. I know some people don't manage this, so maybe I am ok. But as a mum, I have to get up each morning, have food in etc. I'm wary of social services being involved again, they didn't help a lot so I do my best, although I think someone might do a better job than me. But I have to keep going until I make that decision.

I don't know if that makes any sense. I don't know myself what I want. The suicidal urges are so strong a lot of the time, and I'm struggling every day. But then I put on a smile, do the school run, do bathtime, bedtime, plan activities, then have times I have to hide away and bawl my eyes out, self harm and start planning how to end this.

Going to stop now as I'm in a cafe and going to start crying. I love dd and want to see her later, but this doesn't stop this desperate feeling that it will be better for everyone if I wasn't here. Yes I am on ad's btw

pudseypie Tue 10-Sep-13 12:30:10

Sounds like some good advice from Consils. Can't add to it but just send you my support so you know people out there are thinking of you and care about you

I'm here too, MuM, nothing new to say but hope you are taking some of the good advice being offered here, and being kind to yourself xx

HoopHopes Tue 10-Sep-13 19:04:58

Hi please do not be ashamed of free school meals. I am sure the person who made you feel awful about that claims child benefit quite happily!! We have a system that means when we can work we pay taxes and for the times we cannot work there is support to help us. What a great system!

Admission is different for people with bpd as the usual mental health wards are not necessarily the best places for people with bpd and if you need admission it will not usually be long term and only to check you were stable. Nothing to worry about social services, they are there to risk assess and provide support. Yes if you were admitted they may get involved as a back ground support for you. And to check impact of dc etc but not always. My local hospital has shared rooms, with curtains to divide, 4 rooms to a bay. No named nurse to talk to each day and just a communal room with a tv on all day. So a different experience. Your team will know what services there are and what is best for you where you live. If you have bpd then sometimes people who have not managed the good group therapy that is the recommended best treatment for people with bpd then they sometimes fund inpatient treatment in a specialist centre for people with bpd... Usually for 6 months. That would be a long time form your dc so perhaps why they trying to support you at home? And hard to get funding.

It is very early days of therapy. Really. Try to not expect any major changes with it so early on. Perhaps ask your Cpn how the therapy is meant to help you? What to expect as it is different with bpd from say depression.

Would it help if your dc stayed with a relative for a few days to give you a chance for a good rest ( I say that longing for a few nights good sleep here but no family to offer such support!), or may that not help.

Sorry I have waffled too much. I am struggling and when I struggle I cannot write short sentences. Sorry.

Messupmum Wed 11-Sep-13 09:03:39

I have no support at the moment for various reasons, and the only appt I could get today is with a locum GP. Feel really tearful and my head feels foggy. I feel dizzy like I haven't eaten but I have. Got asked by a couple of people at school if I was ok, thought I looked ok, but when I tried to answer I just came out with stuttering rubbish. Now worried that they think I'm strange or so stupid I can't even talk properly to anyone.

It's really good that you are seeing the doctor today, MuM. Well done for getting the appointment. The locum will have access to your notes so it doesn't matter that s/he hasn't seen you before. I hope you'll get the help you need today xx

DropYourSword Wed 11-Sep-13 09:32:34

Don't worry, no-one is thinking you are strange or stupid. In all honesty everybody is more concerned about what others think of THEM. They will be looking at you and your wonderful DD wondering how you manage to do everything so well. Not many people I know with kids who manage to keep their houses tidy!

There are plenty of people who will care about you. You are the most important person in the world to your DD. You are not a burden to anyone. Your thoughts aren't working quite properly at the moment, just the same as if any other part of your body had a problem. If you had broken your arm you wouldn't feel like a burden going to hospital and it's just the same as your situation. Don't be scared to accept their help, or to be admitted. They can help to fix you.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Wed 11-Sep-13 22:38:35

Just thinking of you this evening and hoping you are ok. Well done for being brave for your DD. Just because you are doing that doesn't mean you can't tell your GP how you really feel. smile

No one with the tiniest shred of empathy or worth knowing at all would ever judge someone for free school meals. Hopefully that was misconstrued.

Sending you positive thoughts. x

Messupmum Wed 11-Sep-13 22:56:24

I'm losing it, but its my fault for missing some meds. Can't stop crying, getting into a panic, got tablets in my head but know I can't tonight. All my support are on holiday, so I feel alone and really awful.

Messupmum Wed 11-Sep-13 22:57:32

Tablets in my hand not head. Getting everything wrong today, nothing seems real, it all feels strange.

MuM - we're here for you. You are not alone xx

MuM - we're here for you. You are not alone xx

Consils Thu 12-Sep-13 00:46:33

Mum.

Do you have someone who could look after for dd for a few days or not.

xx

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Thu 12-Sep-13 01:46:23

Yes we are here.

Messupmum Thu 12-Sep-13 08:11:39

No one help with dd for a few days, might do next week.

Had about 4 hours sleep last night, feel so sick.

Do you have any plans for today, MuM? Maybe you could have a rest (even a sleep) while DD is at school? I'm here thinking of you and hoping you will take some steps towards helping yourself to get better today xx

HoopHopes Thu 12-Sep-13 23:47:12

You said you missed some medication. Taking regulate prescribed medication is the one thing you can do to try and help you right now. It is ok to take regular prescribed medication. Ignore the doses you missed and just take what you should take tonight and start again tomorrow. A few days to get it back in your system should really help you. And may help you sleep better as suddenly stopping medication can cause all sorts of side effects.

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Can you arrange to see a friend this week? Not the same as a professional or family support but sometimes just having a cup of tea and talking about the say for eg great British bake off prog on tv van be a lovely distraction !!

How are things today, MuM? I'm here and you're in my thoughts x

You OK, MuM? Thinking og you x

of

Messupmum Wed 18-Sep-13 20:39:53

I need to have a rant. I'm really angry with everything/everyone but especially myself. Nothing has really happened, but feel like I'm getting no where. I hate myself so much, I hate the way I react to things, I hate the mum that I am. I don't want this! Jumping infront of a train is so tempting right now. Not planning this tonight obviously, but I don't understand why I'm here.

I don't understand my head, why I think the way I do. I don't get my illness, my treatment, what I'm meant to feel or how I'm supposed to feel. I talk rubbish at appts/therapy sessions. It all boils down to the fact I think I'd be better off dead, and others would be free of my nightmare self. The only problem is I'm terrified, and I'm a mum. I'm not stupid, I know no one can replace me, I've been told that a million times. But I see no point in carrying on, saying the same stuff to different people, all the effing time.

I feel like I'm making it up, that people think I enjoy being like this. I don't know what to do. It's shit, everything is. No one really cares, and even if they do, no one can do anything.

I am thinking I need to plan this properly, not be impulsive like before. Maybe prepare close ones a bit. Get some alcohol to give me the confidence, not bother talking to the professionals, they just put things on hold for a bit. I don't want another 4/8/12 years like this.

I'm sorry, I don't want to alarm anyone, I'm not at harm tonight. I just feel like I'm going crazy and this is the only place right now I can be honest but no one knows me.

Oh MuM, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. You are so brave to keep going, looking after your DD, and things will change for the better if you can just hang in there. It can take a while to see the difference that therapy is making and that can make you feel as though you are getting nowhere. I can see that you don't enjoy being like this and you're not making it up. Can you show what you've written here to your cpn? Please be kind to yourself and try to get a good night's sleep xx

HoopHopes Wed 18-Sep-13 22:11:40

Rant away!! Anything that helps.

If I remember rightly you just started therapy. I know lots of people on here rate therapy highly but I am always cautious in suggesting it as with the NHS you get what you get and often wait ages for it so when it comes some people think or expect it to be a quick cure and fabulous. I think many experiences are not like that. It is hard, it is confusing and it is part of treatment for serious mental illnesses and not the whole picture. For people not under mental health teams and with stressful life events yes a short dose of talking treatment can talk wonders. But with some diagnosis it is about learning to accept things, take responsibility by making changes, learning how to interact with people- such as interpersonal effectiveness. And it is not easy. I could not manage group work, i reacted badly to it ( long story!)so had to eave the group and leave therapy as nothing else offered - and I am classed as not n right group for 6 sessions of cbt either.

But if you got therapy I would say try not to expect it to help in first few weeks or months but as part of your journey!!!

If you ignore ill health and lack of support or the NHS support there is what helps you that you are in charge of? What things can you put in place to make you feel better? I am a great believer in taking charge of our messed up minds and lives and doing what we can ourselves. What can you fill spare time with to make you feel better? Some councils run some great short daytime courses that are free or are free if not working etc. like craft ones to distract with. Or exercise classes. Or new skills?

Messupmum Wed 18-Sep-13 22:34:04

I can't think about anything apart from feeling terrified in my own home. Every car that goes past I think it's someone coming to check on me. I've made things worse by ignoring friends phoning, I just can't talk to anyone. Got this fear that's come from nowhere, my chest is tight and hurting. My jaw is clenched, I can't relax. I've tried, I can't. Thought I was tired but can't sleep.

I've tried this week to change things, avoided alcohol and exercised but it still comes crashing down. My chest hurts so much.

Just try to focus on one deep breath at a time, very slow, very calming. You will get through this. Would it help to listen to the radio to distract you? xx

HoopHopes Thu 19-Sep-13 11:23:42

Sounds like you made some good steps, which you can keep doing. It is ok to have ignored friends but does not mean you cannot see them this week or next! Just tell them you were busy or forgot to call back.

Concentrate on breathing, maybe get out of the house even if just go and have a coffee somewhere may help.

Hope you're feeling a bit calmer today, MuM. I've been thinking of you.
x

Messupmum Fri 20-Sep-13 10:00:06

Struggling with anxiety today, worried about everything, want to go and get dd from school and hide away with her. I don't feel safe anywhere and I'm struggling.

Dear MuM

I had no internet yesterday, and am sorry I didn't see this message until now.

I hope you managed to use some of the coping strategies you'll have had from your therapy sessions, and that you can see change in yourself which will help you to keep going. It's good to keep posting here, but also important that you talk to your GP or mh team about your feelings when you're struggling.

Try to do something you and DD will enjoy today - getting outside in some fresh air can really help.

Be kind to yourself - you deserve to be well
X

Messupmum Sun 22-Sep-13 14:10:15

Feeling really rubbish, having bad thoughts of what I really want to do. I don't like to reach out anymore, I know no one can do anything. If I feel so unsafe and scared, as that's how I'm starting to feel like, I know there's no chance of any help, except maybe crisis team for a few days. But I don't always find them that helpful, I just have to deal with these thoughts that are making me cry.

Do keep reaching out, MuM. You will get through this with help from others. Nobody expects you to manage the difficult times on your own. Call the crisis team if you need to. Even if it hasn't always been helpful in the past, it could make a difference today.

I'm here and thinking of you x

HoopHopes Sun 22-Sep-13 17:35:06

You may not feel crisis helps, helps because your thinking is often not great when in crisis- well mine is not. And no, they are not the amazing thing that one may think they are as by the very nature of their job they see people for a very short time, their role is not to offer therapy and to pass people back to their usual services ASAP.

But it does not mean you can't use them. Usually cpn's or therapists of gp's refer their usual patients to them. I used to get referred when the CMHT said I needed more support than one visit and a phone all a week as they ( CMHT) are busy and also only work 9-5.

Do reach out if you feel unsafe. It is hard to know the difference between bad thoughts and actions and the role of the crisis team is to assess when people are actually going to act on thoughts and desires or if they are thoughts and desires to be managed. That is their role so let them do it!

Messupmum Tue 24-Sep-13 08:54:13

Had a horrible morning. Dd was not doing anything I said, so we ended up shouting at each other, then had to rush to school. I couldn't bring myself to talk to her, I just kissed her goodbye and hurried off. Didn't want to talk to anyone but ended up walking next to two mums. They must think I'm so horrible by what I was moaning about. I look awful too, pale and my skin and hair is horrible.

I got in my house and burst into tears. I can't cope. The morning feels like a blur. I feel like ringing up the school to say dd might be upset cos she's got a horrible mum.

MuM - I feel for you, and you are not alone. Your DD will remember that you kissed her goodbye at school and that's all that matters. You're not a horrible mum - we all have mornings like that! It's good that you were able to chat to the other mums, even to have a moan. Are you seeing your cpn or other therapist this week? I hope you'll manage to tell them how you're feeling so they can put some support in place.
Stay safe x

Messupmum Tue 24-Sep-13 13:33:29

I keep telling myself that other mums have bad mornings, but I bet they don't get home and want to drive off and crash the car.

I tried to sleep but when I did I had dreams about harming myself and feeling extreme anger towards my family. Felt so real, woke up and the urges are there. I am ruining my life, and dd's life. I'm hiding away at home as feel too much of a failure to go out. Too anxious to go out anyway.

I'm seeing therapist this week, but not sure I can be honest with the other people there in the group. Feel so alone in this, but I'm not really, just feels like it.

Dear MuM

Your dreams must be really upsetting and exhausting, and I'm sorry that they feel so real that they seem to carry over into your waking hours. It's understandable that you want to hide away at home when you feel like this, so it's good that you can express yourself so honestly here. The other people in your therapy group won't think anything of you doing the same in the group, you know. Could you imagine them as a handful of anonymous Mumsnetters, all willing you on and wanting you to get better as we do? Once you have given voice to your vulnerability and asked for help, things can start to change for the better.

I hope today improved and you had a nice time with your DD after school. Try to love yourself even half as much as you love her. You are worth it.
x

Messupmum Wed 25-Sep-13 13:12:49

I've been saying too many things and upsetting people. I just feel this extreme anger and get so irritated by things and then can't seem to stop myself saying something. I can't hold a conversation without coming out with something bitchy, or I just interupt and can't follow what's going on. Feels like everything's going too fast, and my mind can't keep up with it.

Still struggling with massive guilt and anxiety, and knowing I've upset people is making this worse. I want to never see anyone again, just want to delete myself from the world. I can't control my thoughts, if I see a group of mums talking, I think it's about me. I hate it, I can't do this. I hate myself and think everyone else hates me too.

MuM, have you been to your therapy group this week and have you told your cpn or other mh professional how things have been for you? I'm sure they will want to know so they can help you. You've really made progress since the beginning of this thread and there is plenty to look forward to, even if there are bumps along the way. Stay safe x

Messupmum Wed 25-Sep-13 21:35:34

I haven't talked to anyone yet this week.

I'm feeling so unbearably low.

HoopHopes Wed 25-Sep-13 22:30:50

I hope you can not worry about upsetting people. I learnt that people are responsible for their own feelings and therefore it is not you that upsets people but if they are upset ( and am sure not!) it is their own choice and responsibility.

And remember professionals are totally used to it so no worries there.

Sorry you feeling so low.

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