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roll up for the village fete! move to our village if your 'fete' is to be happy!

(988 Posts)
ThatVikRinA22 Sat 20-Jul-13 22:17:06

6th thread folks....

keep talking/posting.

Catmint Sat 20-Jul-13 22:48:22

vicar, you are inspirational. thanksthanksthanks

mamakoukla Sat 20-Jul-13 22:53:32

Ta Vicar!

(((to all))))

Thanks vicar. Hi catmint and mama nice to hear from you, hope you're doing ok.

Just checking in.

Hope the prospect of a village fete doesn't ruin the weather completely, although today has been much more comfortable. .

Hugs offered all round, especially to those that need them.

mamakoukla Sun 21-Jul-13 01:31:28

Much better than this time last year CIQ. I was on some of the earlier threads and it has been a great help for me to have made some positive progress. I realized amd accepted that sometimes going back to bed, sometimes being more gentle with myself, sometimes these were the things I needed to help me understand that, although things were not going well, I could take time for myself. This included lowering some standards for a few months. Not as a new habit but more as a restorative, to give me time, space and detachment. I have met some lovely and wonderful people on this thread. I guess this helps explain why although I am not regularly posting at the moment, I like to check in occasionally.

mamakoukla Sun 21-Jul-13 01:34:41

Reading others' experiences made it less lonely, more human. I needed that. Writing made me think and notice patterns such as the productive days followed by burn out - and then making myself take it easy no matter if I felt that I could and should do more. These threads changed the playing field and have given me so much.

mamakoukla Sun 21-Jul-13 01:37:39

And I know that I still have a long way to go and yes there are downright nasty days/periods (PTSD with very known and clear triggers I sometimes have to literally deal with face to face) BUT there have been days when I wake up with a bounce and people ask me why I am happy. I ask them - why not?

hoochymama1 Sun 21-Jul-13 07:48:21

Wise words, Mama, that's helped me this am.
((( UA )))
Thanks Vicar flowers
Dull day here, feels better though.
Lots of hugs and love to all reading XXX

Notsoblonde Sun 21-Jul-13 11:04:05

Hugs to ua one day at a time lovely.

Thanks for the new thread vicar

Hello to mama and catmint and ed and ciq

I am sad today ,had this silly left sided chest pain again I keep googling and coming up with angina but the last time I went to gp she gave me the anti depressants as me heart was investigated last year. Gp thinks its all muscular tension wish I could stop this worrying. Sorry for the me post

Notsoblonde Sun 21-Jul-13 11:04:47

Sorry hoochy missed you oops

LEMisdisappointed Sun 21-Jul-13 11:09:41

Ohhhh, a fete smile I love a good fete i do!

Hugs to all

I have a busy (but good) week ahead of me, anxiety +++

Notso - Dr Google is nobodies friend!!

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 21-Jul-13 12:45:49

Can I be TheSilverySoothsayer? <excited>

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 21-Jul-13 12:47:07

Will it be like Ambridge? Will we have a fete committee? <over-excited>

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 21-Jul-13 12:47:19

you will find me in the beer tent wink......

if anyone is awol do let them know we have a new one. Lovely to see you here mama, you pretty much summed up how it was for me - just to not feel so alone in the midst of the turmoil - invaluable.

i have just pulled myself out of bed....i love to just lay, still and comfortable and quiet sometimes. I woke up crying. Im having such odd dreams, they are cathartic sometimes but i wonder how long they will go on for....they often involve me confronting my parents about my abusive past, on a lighter note i did also dream that i ended up with a giraffe in the back garden called George....sometimes i do wonder quite how my mind works....

now ive got up i need to tackle the BOMBSITE that is my entire house. Ive tried to get DD involved but typically she has other things to do hmm

so, i will pop back later. love and hugs to all - do let everyone else know where we are now....i always worry someone will miss that we have a new thread.

Enjoy the fete....

Beer tent?!? Beer tent?!? I expected you to be in the smallfurry animal tent judging the various small furry animal Poppy had better win gerbil trickster award for her loop the loops..... <narrows eyes>

Today I decided to get up early and tackle my bedroom floor

...see here...

I also decided to clear my kitchen.

I also decided to strip my bed.

I also need to put fresh linen on dcs beds (already stripped).

In reality I am still in bed pondering what to eat for the week....then I need to go to tesco. I have decided though. I am buying no alcohol and no chocolate. I need to cut back on both.

Beer tent?!? Beer tent?!? I expected you to be in the smallfurry animal tent judging the various small furry animal Poppy had better win gerbil trickster award for her loop the loops..... <narrows eyes>

Today I decided to get up early and tackle my bedroom floor

...see here...

I also decided to clear my kitchen.

I also decided to strip my bed.

I also need to put fresh linen on dcs beds (already stripped).

In reality I am still in bed pondering what to eat for the week....then I need to go to tesco. I have decided though. I am buying no alcohol and no chocolate. I need to cut back on both.

SnowyMouse Sun 21-Jul-13 15:17:43

That sounds like a good list Ed. Better to do today than tomorrow - they're predicting 31 C here! Likewise good luck with the bombsite, vicar

Hugs to everyone.

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 21-Jul-13 15:29:34

Cloudy and pleasantly cool. Never thought I'd be grateful for the effect the North Sea has on our local weather.

hoochymama1 Sun 21-Jul-13 15:55:04

Was that a "sooth" silvery ? I'm just wondering whether to take my washing in..grin

SnowyMouse Sun 21-Jul-13 16:24:50


After a bashing on the other thread I might just put my fridge shopping away and climb into bed sad

I was good though in that I bought no alcohol. But I did secomb to chocolate....but then I figured that if I spend £6 on chocolate I get 2 free cinema tickets....which is cheap for cinema tickets and thw chocolate is just a bonus right???

TheSilverySoothsayer Sun 21-Jul-13 19:00:16

<gazes into crystal ball>

Ed my child, one poster having a go does not a bashing make. And lo, others share your problems and are grateful they are not the only ones.

As to your future (or perhaps by now it's your past) I foresee the eating and enjoyment of chocolate....and...and...yes I can feel the will be making a visit to the cinema...

<faints with effort>

<comes round>

hoochy I foresee that it will not rain for some while except there may be thundery outbreaks in some places

<polishes met office page crystal ball>

Notsoblonde Sun 21-Jul-13 19:06:09

silverysooth I love the new you ;)

Notsoblonde Sun 21-Jul-13 19:07:21

can you predict I will I have a nice, calm and confident day tomorrow at work? First day back after 2 weeks offsad

SnowyMouse Sun 21-Jul-13 19:20:26

Good luck Notsoblonde!

TheSilverySoothsayer Sun 21-Jul-13 19:26:16

brew <drinks> <examines tea leaves>

I can predict it, and I do predict it. The rest is up to you Notsoblonde wink


It was the ...your just lazy comment.

I haven't done anything in the besroom this afternoon but ibhave cleaned out and disenfected the fridge from top to bottom. About to make dcs beds (with their help).

All the other comments since have perked me up.

Ty gypsy silvery

SnowyMouse Sun 21-Jul-13 20:41:20

Good night all.

Notsoblonde Sun 21-Jul-13 21:43:05

Thank you silvery smile, am going to throw myself into my work with a new approach I think, confident and not over think things, I have done it before and can do it again! Am not lying down to this bloody thing anymore. (In theory) hope I can put it into practice.

ed don't take any notice, they don't know your situation, they don't know how well your doing, and she might just be grumpy today we think your fab.

Fishandjam Sun 21-Jul-13 21:48:40

Can I come in? I want to go and view the produce (pronounced PROD-yoose) exhibits smile. Giant parsnips always make me smile, and goodness knows I could do with some of that.

TheSilverySoothsayer Sun 21-Jul-13 21:54:33

Ed I hope I was right about the chocolate?

Hiya f&j come right on in smile Do you remember That's Life in its heyday?

Fishandjam Sun 21-Jul-13 22:18:04

Ooh I do silvery! <old git in da house> I also remember a pisstake song (maybe on Naked Video?) about That's Life and "the carrot that looks like a willy, and a willy that looks like a carrot". Happy days....

Welcome fishandjam Hope you enjoy the fete.

I think I'll volunteer for the cake stall as long as they're miraculous calorie free ones!

Wishing you all the very best for tomorrow notso will be thinking of you.

Hi snowy, Ed, silvery, lem, mama and anyone else I've missed.

Had a nice day. Didn't make it Church as was just too tired so slept in and then went to see bil and sil and had lovely lunch and relaxing afternoon plus a game v of croquet which I won grin

Meeting a friend tomorrow with her toddler and planning to get there early so I can get a walk in first. Am managing 30 mins of exercise most days and feel better for it. Seriously unfit but hope that will improve soon.

Weather forecast not so good for late v in the week. Hope the sun stays tho as I've really appreciated it.

Night all x

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 21-Jul-13 23:32:37

i am feeling quite up. i tidied the house, then showered, dressed in one of my new dresses and shoes,( all from the new look sale but hey ho!) did my hair and make up and buggered off to the pub with DH for a couple of hours tonight.

when i looked in the mirror i liked what i saw. ive never done that before. something has changed in me....i dont know exactly what it is but im happy to be me.
i look ok. i feel ok.
i put on a new dress tonight - size 14 maxi dress with made the absolute most of my new found cleavage...(hello boys!!!) .draped over all my lumps and bumps and i felt good for the first time in ages. My hair is cut well, and highlighted well in shades of blonde, its long now, i felt feminine, did my make up, felt good.

i wish i could bottle this and take it to work with me....but even there im starting to really feel that i can sod what anyone else says and just trust my own judgement.

i like this. i do hope it lasts.

i bumped into my friend on friday that id not seen in about 3 years. She was my bridesmaid at my wedding. She looked amazing, but had lost weight through stress. she is splitting with the latest bloke. So at first i looked at her size 8 figure and was a bit envious.....then i came to my senses.
im happy. she is still searching for happiness. i should count my lucky stars at what i have - it seems its quite elusive for some folk.....and i do realise i am lucky.
she hadnt replied to any of my msgs for ages because she felt guilty at not being in touch.
but it was like we had only spoke yesterday when we got together - she said she envied the fact that i can store my past away and not let it affect my present.....i told her the whole sorry tale of the last year.
but i feel like i have a real grip on it all now.

the combination of the sertraline and the counselling has really helped me.
im 41 now.
i feel happy in my skin for the first time ever.


Have had a lovely evening doing a jigsaw with dcs and singing hopelessly out of tune to random current and 80s songs at the top of my voice.

I was very merry without the use of alcohol.

I haven't eaten today (unless you count chocolate and lollys), but dcs are home now so will eat properly tomorrow.

Then I went back to my thread. Now I'm heading back to bed to throw my underwear on the floor....and wallow.

Thanks for sticking up for me though silvery and notso. It is difficult cos I wanted to ask for help developing a system from broader MN, but they just don't 'get' how I need that help as part of ongoing recovery from this poxy illness. 3m ago even I was too ill to even think about fixing it.

Anyway. Night all. Tomorrow is another day.

SnowyMouse Mon 22-Jul-13 11:32:03

Good morning all (just).

I've been into town and had my blood test (good). Got back with no sign that UPS have been (also good). Bad news is my wheelchair needs repair, so I'm going to have to cancel the dentist.

Should be getting my new laptop today (killed the screen on my old one, and it was getting ancient).

What's everyone else up to today?

SnowyMouse Mon 22-Jul-13 17:58:55

Well I have a new, working laptop now smile Not keen on the idea of the day hospital tomorrow, but it is only for an assessment (hopefully for me as well as them).

I stayed in this afternoon, just having a quiet day. I hope it cools this evening.

Hi all,

vicar great to read your positive post. Long may it continue.

Ed sorry your thread (where?) brought you down - hope you've bounced back up again and are still partaking of the ice-creams.

snowy hope you've survived this hottest day in 7 years (34 here) .... Glad to hear about new laptop and wishing you well for tomorrow.

Altho it has been v boiling I am angry that the weather is turning wet and cooler at exactly the time the DCs break up from school. Seems VVV unfair to me..

Have really been enjoying the sun. Hope I can keep the sunshine feeling even if its cloudy...

SnowyMouse Mon 22-Jul-13 18:44:34

Yes, it's not fair on the DC really. I hope the sun stays with you, CiQ!

Thanks snowy! I think I will just have to dig out their macs... (the coat version wink hope things are starting to cool down for you now.

SnowyMouse Mon 22-Jul-13 18:52:35

It should do tomorrow, they're suggesting 24 which is much more manageable for me.

Yes 24 is a good temp smile

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 22-Jul-13 19:31:22

loving the new silverysooth grin

im back to work tomorrow - can you predict a cool day of peace and tranquility please? or does it not work like that!?

ive only got 4 days to work until im off an annual leave....cannot wait. i realised the other day that since April ive not had any time of sick at all, even though ive had another chest infection - dropping a shift makes everything seem much more manageable.

i think we are predicted rain here tomorrow - tbh while im loving this sunny spell its hard working in it with all the gear im not too upset by the forecast of rain! plus the lawn needs it....would like the prediction for yet more sun after that please silvery!

LEMisdisappointed Mon 22-Jul-13 21:41:05

Oh, i feel like such a shit sad

Awful situation at DDs school - we have been preparing a display/float/contraption thing for a local festival. To be fair it has been fun, but equally a bit of a nightmare - the nightmare being that the woman who took over the design went totally OTT and wouldn't be reined in, but equally has been unreliable about providing stuff etc. Anyway, the whole contraption that the display was to be carried out was a heath robinson affair to rival Heath robinson himself. This person has hurt her back and so i stepped in on her last minute putting the construction together, we are talking some pretty serious amateur engineering here! Anway, three of us, all day - finally gets it together, still worried about how the kids would move it (its huge, cumbersome and heavy) but it worked, um, until we moved it - then, twang, crash wallop, the tension is too much and part of it comes to bits - im like, ok, no worries lets get some bigger screws and screw it back down, but it just became apparent that the whole thing was going to be a nightmare and likely to collape mid parade sad I tried to look for ways to make it work but honestly, couldnt see any, still trying to be positive. The other two had decided by this time that it was just not going to work (and in fairness they are probably right) and that we should go with a contingency plan, which is very scaled down and doesn't use the impressive (but practically useless) contraption - I tried to argue the case a little bit but essentially agreed with them. Its not going to work and the festival is this weekend hmm The teachers in charge put their foot down and made a final decision that it wasn't to be used.

Here comes the shitty bit - it is blatantly obvious to me that the woman who designed this thing has some severe mental health issues, alcoholism being one of them sad We called her up to tell her and let her say, you know what - lets go with plan b but as predicted she got shitty on the phone with my friend (i chickened out) and then another friend tried to placate her and got a load of ear bashing. Then cue my phone texted to death with how i didn't trust her hmm etc etc, getting really quite shitty, i have ignored apart from sending texts in order to try and make her feel better, that we are still using the main design that she put together and it is still going to be bloody amazing. This woman is a brilliant artist but blatantly not so great as an engineer! I am gutted for her and said that i felt really upset for her, was worried about her as she has obvious mental health issues and i was quite upset really about how unsympathetic they were. No excuse etc etc sad These are nice people, but clearly have no idea about MH issues whatsoever. I am so worried about this person but am not going to be able to help her because, as i was the one who was in charge of things today, she has blamed me and got really quite nasty. Apparently she sounded drunk on the phone - was on some heavy duty pain killers but whenever i see her she stinks of booze.

Fuck - sorry, thats long but i only felt i could share this on this thread, a because it may "out" me and b, because i don't feel other people will understand my take on it. I know that this is going to be a major kick in the teeth for this poor woman and i feel partly responsible.

I am dreading tomorrow at the school as we have not choice really but to press on with plan B, i am up against it time wise as its my DDs birthday tomorrow with a beach party (please God let it be sunny) on Wednesday.

Oh, arse biscuits - how come i feel so bloody guilty when everyone else has gone "oh well its her own fault for designing something that was OTT, she should have been here today and not left everything til the last minute" she could barely stand she was in so much pain with her back, poor cow. They are not bad people but i feel sad and guilty

TheSilverySoothsayer Mon 22-Jul-13 21:47:48

LEM because you have empathy, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. Someone said that a man's reach should exceed his grasp - so good on that woman for being ambitious, unfortunate that her design contravened the laws of physics.

LEMisdisappointed Mon 22-Jul-13 21:49:41

In other news - im doing ok, i have been busy busy and anxiety quite high but ive had a good week. We won a fantastic prize in the school fete which means we will have loads of free days out over the next year - i was so thrilled i nearly cried! blush We already took advantage and have been to a local place that i have wanted to go for ages but coudlnt afford it - DD loved it. Also, have had some encouraging news from the fellowship that i had given up on, they want a meeting, an informal one to discuss the project and potential funding, although no funding in place the fact they want to meet can only be seen as a positive thing??? DDs birthday tomorrow then off to legoland. I am happy it is the holidays, althogh ask me a few weeks in and i may be looking forward to september! Looks like it has been a positive week for all of my fellow villagers - sorry, not going to do a name check, luff you all, innit x

LEMisdisappointed Mon 22-Jul-13 21:51:09

Yep Silvery, that about sums it up, brilliant idea, sound (ish) engineering, lack of time, proper tools and resources to bring it to fruition.

Sympathies lem that sounds like a tough situation, and a shame the design didn't work out. Really pleased for you re: your fete prize - lots of fun days out to look forward too... grin

Not doing so good this morning. Went out for some drinks last night with some mums from DS class. Started OK, buying drinks in pub with few mums inc couple I've been friends with for a while, they got their order, me still waiting so asked them to save me a seat, got to the table, they'd taken the last two seats at one end, so I made my way to the other. Fortunately I had someone opposite me this time, but could not get rid of paranoid feeling that they really don't want to spend time with me any more (same two that placed themselves at opp end of table from me last week). Did manage to have nice chat with one mum, but evening was hard work.

Had related nightmares all night and woke up feeling (and looking) knackered. Feeling rather low and hopeless at the mo. I have counselling shortly so will try and take a long route and get a walk in on the way. Kind of wanted one of the friends to make a comment about last night that might have led to a conversation where I was able to say how tough I'm finding the socialising, but no. I'm not 100% convinced they "don't want to be my friend any more" but since the beginning of the year when DDs leg was bad, and then me bad, they've paired off and do stuff together so I feel like a spare part. Didn't feel comfortable a lot of last night. Not like going out with friends - they are just women whose children are the same age as my DS (keep telling myself) and the one I spoke to was lovely (and interestingly into her art too). Do wish I found those situations less stressful though, still feel like the square one in the corner (like I did at secondary school) and struggling to get past that.

Anyway sorry for rant, hoping it helps to get it out of my head a bit. House is vv messy so might so half an hour on it before heading out to counselling...

Or then again I might just MN a while longer...

Fishandjam Tue 23-Jul-13 14:43:25

Hi all. I'm feeling a bit down at the moment - incredibly grumpy/weepy, feeling like I've no friends and that I'm a rubbish mum/wife. I suspect it's a result of two things - recovering from a (mild) dose of viral meningitis, and stopping my SSRIs because I felt better and that I could manage without them (yeah, I know, what kind of idiot am I). Gah. I'm back on the sertraline but I know it will take a week to kick in.

colouring, I know how you feel in those social situations. I do fine in small groups or one-to-one, but feel like a right spare part in anything bigger. It doesn't help that I'm a bit geeky and don't really like talking "girl stuff".

LEM, re the Heath Robinson float, you tried to help but it sounds like it was beyond help. No reason for you to feel guilty.

hoochymama1 Tue 23-Jul-13 15:10:19

Oo Lem you did your best, it was just the situation. You were kind to this woman and acted well towards her, you never know, I remember needing help and not being able to ask for it, pride, stupidity blush so glad everything is going so well for you grin
Same for Vicar, felt quite emotional reading that post. Yeah, there's hope. Good days and bad days.

Hope the day centre was ok for you lovely ((( Snowy))) smile

Oh, Ciq, I find social things agonizing. But you went, you chatted, it's all part of the process of getting better.

By the way Ed I always, always chuck my dirty knickers on the floor. DH picks them up and puts them in the wash. Years of training wink

Went with Dh today to get tysabri, which is his super duper MS drug. Didn't sleep much and feel crummy today..On autopilot.

Love to Silverysooth welcome to Fishandjam Hurray for the old gits!

Lots of love to everyone reading, hope the day is going ok for you smile

hoochymama1 Tue 23-Jul-13 15:14:41

Oh, F&J, poor you. It's not surprising you feel a bit bad. Just be kind to yourself, some days are just like this, and it takes time.
I had the same with sertraline, but it's working now, all the best to you smile

Hi fish and jam sorry to hear you're feeling so low, sympathies. Hopefully the sertraline kicks in soon. Vital meningitis doesn't sound like fun at the best of times. Take care. Thanks for your comments re my evening out. Yep I'm not mad on talking girlie stuff either! Spent lot of childhood with dad and 2 brothers and do struggle with groups of women.

Hi hoochy thanks. Am out again tonight but with people I don't know which strangely I find easier? ! Glad to hear your dh is on good meds and hope you get a rest today.

Not a good day but hey, the days before were good.

Love to all.

SnowyMouse Tue 23-Jul-13 17:06:07

The day hospital was awful verging on unbearable, I really don't want to go back (but the response I get is 'you don't want to end up in hospital, do you?)

I am supposed to be there Thursday and Friday sad

Oh really sorry to hear that snowy

Was it anything in particular that made it so bad or just the whole thing?

Braving another night out with some older mums from church... hopefully better than last night x

SnowyMouse Tue 23-Jul-13 19:31:25

I hope tonight goes better, CIQ

I can't concentrate for the groups, normally I'd listen to music as a distraction from the voices, but I can't do that there.

SnowyMouse Tue 23-Jul-13 21:07:14

Good night all.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 23-Jul-13 22:17:09

hi all,

im holding up i think. Work is very testing. Not the work - as usual the people. its clear that 'queen bee' at work hates me and the only other woman on the shift is following like a made to feel uncomfortable at every opportunity. The guys just shuffle uncomfortably....
today i did my own thing - i ate alone again but that was fine, i had a job involving an asylum seeker, i felt desperately sorry for her, and when asked back at the station i tried to explain my actions (i chose to help her rather than arrest her....she had a child with her and it was perfectly justified) and i tried to comfort her as she cried and called an interpreter to try to explain what i was doing,
all i got back at the station was sarky and nasty remarks about her situation.
i gave up trying to explain. Queen bee is loud, louche, sweary and crass. she holds court and everyone laughs.
even though she is totally not funny....

my job is changing daily. its so hard now, crime figures down my arse!! we had no cars to go to some jobs. We have nothing to work with, we are stretched to the limits, yet still we strive and strive to do right by the public. i want to carry on in the job i think but this climate is making it impossibly hard. And now the prospect of redundancy looms - and if we should get a pasting while doing the job we can be dismissed if we cant carry out normal duties for 6 months. its a joke really - we are regularly put at intolerable risk
anyway. enough of my rant.
im learning when to shut up and preserve my sanity.

my boiler has gone on the blink again....but ive chilled tonight with a book, wine and the ratties....they make me laugh, they are so cheeky.

good night all.

lem hope you had a better day.
snowy best of luck with the day will be ok.

love to everyone else.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 24-Jul-13 08:08:54

Vicar - i am smiling because i have visions of that horrible woman at your work reading the daily mail!!!!

Busy day for me today - DDs party on the beach i have NOTHING ready, going away tomorrow and yep - nothing ready hmm

SnowyMouse Wed 24-Jul-13 14:11:22

My wheelchair has been repaired now, nice to have a day at home. Party on a beach sounds great fun LEM ! Good luck with all your organisations. Work sounds challenging, vicar

Hi to everyone else., how are things?

Hope the kids had fun lem and you're not too lanced. How long are you off for tomorrow? Have a lovely time.

Hi snowy good to hear about wheelchair. Hope you've found things a bit cooler today too.

Today's been ok, busy morning running errands and adminy stuff. Mum and dad over for lunch and pm which was ok (usu just my dad as mum is hard work she seemed better for two weeks in the sun). Dcs broke up lunchtime and I am knackered after having them for the afternoon - hope I survive the hols hmm

Lanced? I mean tired!

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 24-Jul-13 22:07:56

how is everyone today....?

ive got 2 more days to work until annual leave! yay!

been talking to Dh about fostering tonight.....we are gong to start to look into it.

Wow thats brilliant vicar.

Hmm today - first day of school hols... woken up feeling v tired and lethargic and daunted by hols. Its been a busy week and yest I had dm and df over from 12 which was nice but a lot of socialising. Have just made plans with a friend to meet later for kids to play, so just need to last out 3 hrs.

Fishandjam Thu 25-Jul-13 11:53:10

Hello all!

I'm feeling a bit better, though sooooo TIRED. On the upside, my wonderful DH has booked some Fridays off over the summer so he can help manage the kids (I work Tues, Weds and Thurs). DS is 3.5 and being a bit of a handful - he's lovely, but very demanding/clingy/tantrummy and I find it utterly exhausting. DD is 13 months and pretty easygoing, but that means that when it's just me with them, she often gets ignored (I feel) as I have to spend so much time ministering to DS.

vicar your job sounds megastressful and I bet you're really looking forward to your annual leave. And the fostering sounds interesting - my step-BIL and his wife have been doing it for 12 months or so and I know they've found it incredibly rewarding.

LEM, how did the party go?

Snowy, glad to hear your wheelchair is now functional again, though I'm sorry to hear about the day hospital. I hope today is turning out a bit better.

Colouring, how old are your kids? I'm quite good at devising activities to keep older kids quiet, I just can't do it with my own as they're a bit too young for the things I think up!

Fishandjam Thu 25-Jul-13 11:57:19

Hello to hoochy too smile - yes, sertraline works a treat for me usually. I'm on a very low dose and it's amazing how well it picks me up. It's difficult to put a finger on why I get attacks of black dog (PND of course, and there are a few ishoos from childhood and my relationship with my mother (jeez, how archetypally Freudian!) but nothing particularly major) so my GP is convinced it's a brain chemistry thing. Which does seem to be borne out by the ADs - so long as I take them, I can cope with most of whatever life chucks at me. I really need to learn from past experience and not stop them!

hoochymama1 Thu 25-Jul-13 13:55:57

Yes, F&J I was on them three years ago and stopped after 6 months, three months ago I went back on them, this time the side effects were worse, but I feel ok on them now. Grateful for the medication really. Gosh, it's crummy to have to take meds, but the alternative is worse. I had other issues too, I think a lot of us have. You sound like you are sooo busy too with dc's and job. Do look after yourself.

Feel a bit angsty, Pembrokeshire offered me a job interview and I had to turn it down after much discussion with dh confused I come from wales and would so love to go back. But I have to be realistic about my health and situation and try to get part time work here. Trouble is I feel so rubbish I'm convinced no one would want to employ me sad Moan, moan.

Hope the party was good, Lem grin

Hang on in there Ciq pace yourself, and build in lots of rest and treats to keep you going smile

Love to you snowy, hang on in there, girl, it will get better the more you go.

Lots of love to everyone I've forgotten smile

Won't be around for a few days, I am taking mine and church teenagers to Soul survivor, give me strength!

Good luck hoochy at Soul Survivor. I bet they'll have a fab time. Shame about the Pembrokeshire job, but brilliant that you had an offer. It's only a matter of time before you get one nearer to home.

Fishandjam great to hear you're feeling a little better and your DH has booked some time off too smile Mine are 5 and 8...

Thanks both for your support. Today turned out better than my negative fortune-telling brain predicated hmm fortunately and sun stayed out too which helped. Met up with friend and so kids were off playing 12-5 which was fab! I can do this if the days are like today!

Love to everyone x

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 26-Jul-13 02:46:33

just a quicik check in - hope everyone is ok.

i found out tonight that 2 colleagues are throwing parties - im not invited to either.
its fine - i wouldnt be going anyway. (too far geographically plus have been before and felt like a fish out of water!) but still - a snub is a snub. ive resisted any temptation to ask about these "dos" and only have one more shift until my leave.
then i have a stay in hospital
then im back for a short while until i have my spa break with dd.
im ok about it. but i do wonder what is wrong with me.....

TheSilverySoothsayer Fri 26-Jul-13 08:36:38

vicar to be snubbed by these people sounds like a mark of recommendation to me, it means you are OK not one of them smile

hoochymama1 Fri 26-Jul-13 12:18:32

I agree Vicar you don't want to be a member of their 'club'. Still, it hurts you and I'm angry...
You have loads of good things happening right now, you are in a good place smile

SnowyMouse Fri 26-Jul-13 14:43:56

Day hosp is awful. I've been thinking of all of you.

Oh sorry to hear that snowy do you get the weekend off?

SnowyMouse Fri 26-Jul-13 17:48:03

Yes, I said no thank you to the crisis team, so I do.

Well I guess that's something hmm Hope you're appreciating being home now.

I've had two nice days with the kids and friends but I am shattered now which is a bit demoralising after only 2 days!

SnowyMouse Fri 26-Jul-13 19:29:07

Definitely appreciating being home. Sorry you're shattered, CiQ

Thanks snowy feeling rather daunted by the rest of the school hols now. Brain is starting to race and that rings alarm bells for me.

Thread seems quiet recently. ..

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 27-Jul-13 04:16:04

hope you have a lovely relaxed weekend snowy.

ive just completed my last shift for a fortnight. Queen Bee at work tried to stiff me with her workload tonight but thankfully my supervisor saw it and stepped in.....she was not a happy bunny but hey ho. He is now aware and says he will watch out more for it.

i pulled onto the drive and found a hedghog on my doorstep - what sweet little things they are.

im just having a wind down now and a glass of red before bed.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 27-Jul-13 11:16:20

Popping into the beer tent for a swift half, anotehr busy day ahead which may be scuppered by rain - sea monster is jinxed i reckon. Had a lovely couple of days though - we deserved that break. Although if i never see anotehr bit of lego again........................

Hope you are all well, i have to go and build a bungalow (from lego of course)

SnowyMouse Sat 27-Jul-13 12:28:09

Yes, it has been quiet, busy summer holidays for some?
I'm glad your supervisor is on the ball now, vicar

Have fun with the lego LEM!

Hi lem glad you had a great time.

Are you up to much today snowy?

Any suggestions to calm a racing, agitated, overwhelmed brain v welcome. Struggling today can't think straight. Trying to keep myself in the moment, breathing exercises, distraction when I have enough concentration but proving v tough. Need to firm up some tactics so I cope with rest of school hols. ..

Hi everyone else hope you're having a good weekend x

TheSilverySoothsayer Sat 27-Jul-13 19:01:03

CiQ there are a number of things you could try.

One is a kind of overload technique. Sit down somewhere and set a timer for 5 min. Give your brain permission to race as much as it wants and wherever it wants. When timer goes, let brain slow down again.

Thanks silvery will give that a try.

My main prob is I can't seem to calm it down! I've downloaded all the things I've been trying to remember, tasks etc onto a to do list. Going out for the day tomorrow but that's sorted, next week pretty organised, my brain just wants to run screaming from the room (dh says I look washed out) and its only been 3 days with the kids - and they've been nice days. Feels like just volume/overload but never had this before dep/anx/Prozac this year, only mildly occasionally... hmm... back to wondering if I'm on the right AD - could this be drug-related? Possibility of switching when kids go back to school.... but til then will need some time lying down in a dark room...

Just had a monsoon like shower - very exciting!

LEMisdisappointed Sat 27-Jul-13 20:57:09

I hate that mind racing thing CiQ - i usually get it in the middle of the night, i hate it, i first noticed it when i was pregnant with DD2. I would describe it to DP as "everythings going too fast" I tend to find its a rehash of the day or visualisation of things im worried about. straingely enough it can even be pleasant events too, but it isn't a pleasant thing by any means. keeping in the moment is hard but i think thats the aim, its easier said than done, i find. We have just had the monsoon and thunder here too, isn't it funny, my anxiety over the past few months is worse than its ever been yet I could quite happily go and stand in the garden and enjoy the storm and of course im loving the spiders these days. Storms and spiders were right at the top of my "shitabrick" list, along with height - i went on a high ride with DD yesterday and whilst i was mildly uncomfortable about it, no panic. Yet spending money on groceries, food, anything sends me almost into meltdown - am going to discuss this with my counseller on friday. Its getting to the point where i almost cannot shop sad

We have built a chalet bungalow from lego - it took ages but its uber cool.

ciq, i am beyond shattered, a couple of early nights should help me, its a long six weeks but i do like the holidays however its hard to know how to keep DD occupied. We don't have anything else planned for the rest of the holidays, thank GOD for the english heritage membership win! It will fly by though - would help if the weather were to hold out though.

I have lost touch a bit with the thread this week as it has been so mentally busy - hopefully will be able to take a few days to recover and catch up.

Take care all xx

LEMisdisappointed Sat 27-Jul-13 20:57:49

straingely?? hmm blush

Hi lem thanks v much for your thoughts. Bet the bungalow is fab! Hope you get to rest a bit over the next few days.

It is weird what triggers the anxiety isn't it? I had to walk into a school field to deliver something for an activity I'm helping at next week and anxiety was stupid.

Interesting how you describe racing mind -I'm not sure I'm using the right word. It's like I can't concentrate, my brain is spinning and trying to make it stop or clear it is nigh impossible. I don't think I was ever this bad before this year's diagnosis. It feels overwhelmed.

When you say shared do you mean physically or mentally - or both? Sorry for all the questions!

Hello to everyone x

SnowyMouse Sun 28-Jul-13 14:35:38

Good afternoon all!

I'm enjoying the cooler weather, how is everyone else finding it?

Sending good thoughts xx

TheSilverySoothsayer Sun 28-Jul-13 15:46:01

CiQ did you try the thing I suggested? Any change? I have plenty more suggestions...

LEM how old is/are DD (sorry I should know this) - I will try to remember what I did when mine were little.

snow it was cooler, and it rained a lot (this means I can now weed garden if I want confused), I even hoovered with new hoover (stealth boast) which it has previously been too hot for honest. Now it's hot again.

SnowyMouse Sun 28-Jul-13 17:44:01

Congrats on the hoovering Silvery I hope it cools down again.

Night all. Will try and catch up properly tomorrow. Been visiting dbrother and family today and off to bed now.

Hope people had a nice weekend x

Just popping in.

Things for me are generally good. Generally more able to do the chores I need to. Am sleeping much much less.

Have had some days out. Have balanced that with some days slobbing around at home.

I did come on the other day to have a winge. We were having a bit of a craft day and I had 3 children constantly asking me to help with their different crafts. I struggled to cope with that and at one point I may have downed tools and had a mummy tantrum until they got the message.

But I came on MN and found a thread where I could offer some niche advice so did that instead of ranting here..

Still got some challenges ahead. Still haven't opened my mail (but only have a couple of days left to do my tax credits renewal).

Next few days are school uniform shopping. With strange shaped children this is a nightmare (dtd2 is insisting on trousers but needs a 33-34" leg but aged 10ish waist; dd3 also insists on trousers but has short legs, I wish thry would go for skirts they are so much more flexible...and don't start me on school shoes but I'll do that in a couple of weeks).

I have decided not to go away this year as I can't really afford the spending money (have vouchers for acommodation which I will use next year). They are going thurs night with xp though.

So in the next 4 days I need to
Renew tax credits
Shopping in city centre probably
Shopping in out of town centre
Shopping at school uniform shop

Hmm any guesses what I will doing friday?!?!?

Oh and any tips on how I can habe lower expectations of myself and be less self critical would be good (trying to get my head in the right place for returning to PGCE.

SnowyMouse Mon 29-Jul-13 12:13:56

Hi Ed. Nice to see you again, and that things are generally good smile. It sounds positive.

Good luck with the post and all the shopping.

Do you have any reflective tools you can use. E.g. What you did, what went well, what went not so well and what you would do in future/what you would change?

I'm at home today, dodged the showers to post the post earlier.


I do use reflective positives are always shorter than my negatives sad

SnowyMouse Mon 29-Jul-13 13:09:53

sad hmm. Maybe limit yourself to the 3 or 5 most important in each category?

LEMisdisappointed Mon 29-Jul-13 13:39:42

popping in to say hi - good to see you ed and to read that you are doing well!

I have a meeting this afternoon about the fellowship i applied for forever ago and had given up on. I am not sure why they want this meeting - but I am so so nervous. It is a very informal meeting but im still scared confused

SnowyMouse Mon 29-Jul-13 13:57:50

Ooh, good luck LEM

LEMisdisappointed Mon 29-Jul-13 16:57:57

Was not good news so gutted

SnowyMouse Mon 29-Jul-13 16:59:32

Oh no, I'm sorry LEM, hugs.

mamakoukla Mon 29-Jul-13 17:21:07

LEM - good luck - a bit of nerves is natural. It is an unknown situation and it is something which has meaning for you. Whatever the outcome, concentrate on the positives this has had for you and the things it has made you reflect upon.

CIQ - I find that making myself physically slow down and mentally concentrate on what I am physically doing helps calm my brain down a bit. I guess the term is mindfulness, which has come up a number of times across the threads. PTSD is an anxiety disorder and I found that symptom management brought relief to some aspects. I avoid overburdening myself - or it can lead to panic and trying to do too many things = overwhelming and brain cannot focus as well. I have spent a few months relearning habits about how much I do, how I go about doing it and also giving myself some extra breathing space and also quiet time. When my brain is whirling away, noise and chaos is extremely distressing. DD is delightful but a full-on chatterbox and likes to be engaged in things, preferably with company. I plan activities which give me a bit more room on those days that I need them - cycling, park, crafts which we can do side by side. I have also requested quiet time for Mummy - 15 min of peace or a quick shower can give me a bit more calm.

Snowy - hugs! I am glad to see you regularly posting. Take care.

ED! Lovely post. I will try to give it some thought. For me, it is just letting me be myself. I typically have high standards and don't need external stress to achieve reasonably well. Accepting me for what I have to offer helped lower some of the stress. I guess a bit more self belief (?).

Vicar, I am very happy that whatever is going on at least your supervisor is fair and looked after you. That is so important. Give yourself mental space from the QueenBee et al. and find ways to mentally counter their behaviour; it is insidious and can sometimes creep up on you. They are insecure but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt you.

Need to go and do a few more chores - hugs to all and take care xxx

mamakoukla Mon 29-Jul-13 17:21:32

Sorry LEM.

Hi everyone,

lem how did you get on this afternoon? Hope the meeting went well.

ed glad to hear you're doing better these days. Sounds like busy times. I sympathise re the school uniform shopping - have to do so myself.

Hope your days been ok snowy and we'll done for riding the showers - almost impossible here!

spc thanks I am still struggling to allow/calm brain down. I don't know c if racing is the right weird actually it's more just like a wiggling bowl of spaghetti - hard to identify particular thoughts, head to concentrate, overwhelmed and the opposite of peaceful! Yoga does help a bit.

Feeling rather frazzled tonight. Have been helping at a summer camp thing organised by all the churches in the town. Lovely people and lovely atmosphere and I did it last year, but anxiety a killer all day. At least today was the only full day, doing tue and thur pm.

LEMisdisappointed Mon 29-Jul-13 19:41:19

Thats ok mama - it wasn't a total surprise but it has very much shut the door on my science career so I am gutted. Trying to remain positive and thinking about retraining but I have no idea what i want to do.

It is still sunny here snowy, although i think we are to get the rain tomorrow.

CiQ it wasn't good news, see above sad Its good to see you involved in your community, i don't go to church anymore as me and our parish priest don't really see eye to eye on so many things. My cousin goes, she has had such a difficult few years, well the past seven-ten years just hell for her really and she barely goes out so i am grateful to the church on her behalf that it has given her this lifeline.

I am glad the summer holidays are here although i'm feeling a bit lost as i had got quite involved with some projects at DDs school.

vicar? are you having a break from the plod for a while now?

LEMisdisappointed Mon 29-Jul-13 19:45:14

SPC sorry, missed your question, DD is 8 now confused and DD1 is 23! We have a full week of things to do this week as we have a local "event" going on all week and i need to step up and get a bit more involved i think. I have a couple of good friends i will do stuff with over this week, although one is off to italy soon.

Sorry lem some weird delay to my post (hugs) re your meeting. My dd is 8 too smile Have you got much planned this week. I tend to try and get out around the middle of the day with a picnic to break the day up.

mama thanks - I have just started reading a mindfulness book actually so hopefully that will help. Oh and nice v to hear from you.

LEMisdisappointed Mon 29-Jul-13 20:08:07

We are off to leeds castle tomorrow with some friends (they have tickets) and are taking us along with them. DD will like that as will be with her school pals. Then there are lots of things going on this week where i live (a seafood related festival that im sure you have heard of!). Picnics in the middle of days sound like good ideas - we are lucky enough to have the beach, it makes such a difference. I think its going to rain tomorrow though sad

Oooh Leeds Castle is lovely. At least you can duck inside when the showers arrive. Yes being near the beach sounds brilliant with kids.

Hope you have a good day whatever the weather x

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 29-Jul-13 23:47:25

we are having the garden finished tomorrow and dd is at dentist. on weds we are going to an art exhibition by david hockney.
on thurs we are going to the coast for the day.
sat we are emptyng and cleaning DS uni flat. (joy. he came home wthout his keys....)
sunday DH is taking DS back down to devon....i worry about the drive. he is planning on doing there and back in one day. its a 4 1/2 hour drive each way.
i will fret.

Blinking hell I have gone from not being able to stay awake to not being able to get to sleep sad

TheSilverySoothsayer Tue 30-Jul-13 08:08:53

Me too, went to bed 1ish and stayed awake for hours, but quite enjoyed it. My head was chuntering away, but it was being quite entertaining smile

Fishandjam Tue 30-Jul-13 11:08:31

Hello all,

Thank goodness the weather is cooler. I'm a right grouch when it's too hot; I go around muttering that I'm going to emigrate to Iceland.

LEM, I'm sorry you got bad news re the fellowship. Is there definitely no other avenue you could explore?

CIQ, I don't know if you're a closet hippy like me, but whenever I get an attack of anxiety, I find it really helps to go into the garden, sit or lie on the lawn, shut my eyes and just focus on what I can hear, smell, feel. (I've been known to do it even when it's raining.) So I might focus on the noise of traffic on the distant A road or of housemartins squealing overhead, the feel of wet grass making my bum damp, the smell of roses and the compost bin, etc. Five minutes of that and I'm usually feeling better.

<waves> to other posters - sorry, I'm really tired at the moment and struggling to stay awake at my desk.

Hi fish and jam don't think you'd class me as a closet hippie but your suggestion is something I could do. Do find yoga helpful and partic the breathing/meditation part at the end. Glad you're enjoying the cooler weather. It's pouring he today!

vicar that sounds busy - tho nice things. ..

Just out of counselling and taking a 15 coffee break before going back to summer camp. Counselling was helpful and feel better for it so that's good. No counselling in Aug so will see how that goes. ..

Hello to everyone x

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 30-Jul-13 12:24:45

sorry lem i missed your question - im just on annual leave for a fortnight. Then i have my hospital procedure for 24 hours, then i have my lovely spa break with dd.

working 5 on 5 off is suiting me as its like getting a week off every week anyway. But am on annual leave now so no work for a couple of weeks.

SnowyMouse Tue 30-Jul-13 18:11:42

Hi all. I'm probably going to the day hospital tomorrow, haven't seen anyone since Friday. My sleep has gone haywire, I'm not doing great, hope everyone else is surviving.

LEMisdisappointed Tue 30-Jul-13 18:40:25

pants about your sleep snowy sad Hopefully the day hospital will be ok(ish) tomorrow xx

Im not having a good day really, rowed with DP this morning because he extended the credit on his card without telling me when i begged him not to have the card in the first place. We have been through HELL due to our debts and I can see it all spiralling again if we aren't careful. I have done a really childish thing and hidden the letter with the activation code on it and pocketed the card so he can't use it. He doesn't know that yet, but he is already not speaking to me because i freaked at him about having it. I found out by mistake sad He said "why can't you just trust me"...........................err, well??? hmm

SnowyMouse Tue 30-Jul-13 21:08:15

Good night all.

Seems a few of us are struggling with sleep at the mo.

Hugs to lem. He won't understand why you are withholding the credit card, or he wouldn't have applied for it in the first place.

I'm holding my own with my list of stuff.
think I have sorted the long school trousers.
Tax credits done (thanks to being badgered by dtd1).
3 heads of hair dip dyed in various 'trendy' shades
I cleared my entire backlog of washing up this morning. Sadly dtds cooked tea so needs to be redonr hmm
I even opened a couple of letters (to find my tax credits renewal).

Trip to the city tomorrow...origigonally it was to look for school trousers but think that is sorted now. It will be holiday bargains for dds and build a bear for dd3 (birthday money).

Stay strong everyone. One foot in front of the other. I am a completely different person since starting venlafaxine (and the switch was a pretty mild blip for the person that was considering switching from fluoxetine to something else). I'll be interested to see how I cope next week when dds are away and I will have scope for staying in bed. d

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 31-Jul-13 00:17:07

sleep - whats that when its at home? wink

my sleep is shot but my excuse is shift work. i went 34 hours with none on saturday.
i can never sort my sleep out, i can happily lay in bed till noon and stay up most of the night. im not sure if the shifts are to blame or a blessing that allows my normal night owl tendencies to reign supreme.....

Morning all,

hope you got some sleep those who've been struggling recently.

lem sympathies - that's tough but completely right not to want to get back into big debt. Is it poss to have a convo with dh about, perhaps on neutral territory?

Enjoying a peaceful morning here, have a day off from camp thing. Read some more of mindfulness book - makes a lot of sense. And did 50 mins yoga for free via a you tube video. Do have to tidy at least part of house this morning as it is horrid but hopefully can manage that on a bit. trying to hold onto peaceful yoga feeling!

Take care all x

SnowyMouse Wed 31-Jul-13 12:55:49

I will be referred to art therapy, I've been discharged from the day hospital.

Enjoy your peaceful morning, CiQ That's a good list of things done, Ed 34 hours without sleep vicar, I don't know how you do it. Hugs LEM and all.

I feel exhausted, at least I can have a nap this afternoon.

TheSilverySoothsayer Wed 31-Jul-13 20:24:17

snowy that might just be your thing smile Better than day hospital for you, anyway, I imagine?

Art therapy sounds interesting - hope you find it helpful snowy.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 31-Jul-13 23:39:43

evening everyone.

snowy i think thats brilliant - being discharged is a big step too.

we didnt manage our day out today - i ran out of money. we had to put shopping back yesterday which is just embarrassing - got to sort out my finances but once in debt its just so bloody hard to climb out of it.

Im paid tomorrow so we are going to the coast - nothng fancy just a fish and chip supper and some sea air.

ive been planning a few more tattoos (i know people either love them or hate them but where i want them is easy to cover if i choose to do so.)

DH told me tonight that he thinks i have a drink problem.
i have made a concerted effort tonight to not open the wine until 9pm and have just had 2 glasses. no cigs today so far either. i really do need to begin to look after my body again.

anyway - on that note i am going to attempt to sleep earlier tonight too.
up early for our trip out.
good night all - hope for a good day for everyone tomorrow.

hoochymama1 Thu 01-Aug-13 10:24:26

Hello <<<waves>>> to everyone grin

I survived soul survivor, and even enjoyed bits of it. I just retreated to the safety of my tent when things got too muchconfused Hope your church thing went ok too CiQ, I kept on thinking , why am I doing this, why did I volunteer, but its good to have done it. Glad the mindfulness is working.

Sorry to hear about all the sleep issues. I just listen to R4/4 extra, for most of the night, putting my radio on a timer, it works for me, and stops my brain chuntering.

Glad you went to leeds castle Lem we used to live near there and friends paid for a yearly pass, so I used to take the children there most weekends they got sick of it by the end. Sorry to hear about the fellowship thing, but there's a world of sciency things out there you could do... I did one of these online career questionnaire things to find out what my skills were, it may help.

Vicar I used to self-medicate with drink for many years, it's what we do sometimes. Try stopping and see if you can..but only you can say if it's a problem.

So glad for you snowy, the art therapy is lovely, and it will help to get you meeting people. You are such a lovely friend to us, you need to get rf too.

So, a day of washing, pottering, a scarily unstructured day.
Oh, but it's our 26th wedding anniversary so out for lunch with dh.

Much love to everyone reading, I hope you have a good day smile

Just a quickie.

I am here.

I have done ALL of the tasks I needed to do this week and dcs have been sent on their way.

My house is a tip. But school uniforms have been sorted and/or are in hand.

I am going to try and spend some time out of bed this coming week. I need to keep the momentum going.

snowy art therapy sounds like a welcome change to the feeling that 'people are checking up on you'. How do you feel about it?

Waves to everyone else.

It is soooooooo hot and muggy here. I had a shower 15mins ago and I am already hot and sweaty again. (Crikey, can you remember the days when it was a miracle if I showered in 10days?!?)

I need to open the window soon....but want to read with the light on for a bit...

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 01-Aug-13 22:58:50

evening all.
it was Dsis birthday today - (or would have been were she still here.)

We went to the coast today which was lovely, (whitby) ate at the best (and my fave fish and chip restaurant) The Magpie and wandered along the beautifiul sunny beach - had a paddle for Dsis who loved the stuck in horrendous traffic going but worth it when we got there.
Just been out and seen a lovely bright star so said a little prayer for her - hope she heard it. I miss her terribly. It can still hit me out of no where.

But i have again resisted more than 2 small glasses of wine and feel ok tonight - a bit more in control.

so hot and sticky here - not sure how easily i will sleep even though i feel zonked out with sea air and walking.

Afternoon all. Nice here 24 and sunny spells & breeze - perfect. Camp thing over - went v well so glad I could help a bit.

angry to dh still in bed with hangover despite promising to start building treehouse c with and for kids this morning. He went to the pub with some dad friends. .. Not impressed. Off camping tomorrow so I am having a busy day! Dcs playing nicely tho which is lovely.

hoochy glad you managed to enjoy bits of soul survivor. Retreating to rent sounds v wise.

Well done Ed on getting loads done - am partic jealous re uniforms. Them and dentist are not scheduled into already jammed diary.

Take care all

mamakoukla Fri 02-Aug-13 16:50:59

How are you doing Snowy?

I am having a good day - I went to my first exercise class in years and walked there and back. The sun was out, a cool breeze and it was lovely to walk along feeling the sun and cool air on my skin. One of the little things that make me happy.

A few not so pleasant tasks to do so I will get cracking and then distract myself with nice tasks. At least that's the plan....

Camping CIQ! I am jealous (in a good way). Might try to convince DH that it is a great family activity. I have been with friends but never as a family.

SnowyMouse Fri 02-Aug-13 17:50:38

I'm not sure about the art therapy, I'm not sure about the waiting list for it, a bit of a waiting game.

My psychiatrist is wondering if there are physical changes that cause my MH issues, it's a bit unnerving.

How's everyone doinfg?

Hi snowy good but knackered here. Did your psych go into any more detail can well imagine that's unnerving.

Hi mama nice pic of you walking in the sun smile kids v excited about camping - their first time. Have borrowed a friends tent and it is ginormous! Hope you got everything done that you wanted.

Well dh finally got up at 2.30. Asked for forgiveness at 5 when I asked for an apology. "Oh but I didn't drink more than anyone else" no but you are well aware that you have a lower tolerance than most guys... anyhow done.

Need to pack, clear up bombsite of lounge, put tent away after trial assembly, wash up piles of washing up and then hang out the washing! Phew.

Hi to all.

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 03-Aug-13 00:50:58

Good night all.

DS has upset me - cant really go into it now. DD is at a party so im waiting up.

Had a long day out at the shops today. Didn't buy anything.

But I have a new (and slightly obscure. ..taps nose) craft challenge whichwill see me bbounce out of bed tomorrow.

Hugs to all. Here if you need to offliad vicar, by pm if more appropriate.

I'm shattered but have spent a few hours gathering images ready for my craft session tomorrow. Will either turn out stunning....or a horrific mess...sewing machine at the ready though.....

mamakoukla Sat 03-Aug-13 02:43:27

Snowy, that sounds quite complicated but also interesting. In terms of the art therapy, I'd go with an open mind and just potter along. Many years ago I received hypnosis treatment; I was extremely skeptical but thought what do I have to lose by trying? Similarly, counseling - it's been a year now. Just try.

Hugs to all and especially Vicar. Ed I am always intrigued by your crafts; haven't forgotten your pink flamingos when you went away and your crocheting.

CIQ - it helps that he realized and it sounds as though you are properly prepared. I didn't get everything done BUT I did book a hairdresser appointment! It has taken over a year to pluck up the courage, especially as I was going through some very dark moments and times. Excited as I very much need a good haircut smile

mamakoukla Sat 03-Aug-13 02:45:52

Snowy, as it turned out both were helpful for me at the time. You never know. Be open to opportunity.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 21:13:26

Guys - im scared sad I think i might be an alcoholic sad sad how the fuck did that happen? shit shit shit I feel so ill, i got so drunk yesterday that i have had the hangover from hell, i mean, i drank - four cans of beer, a bottle of wine and jack daniels and coke FFS, im surprised i didn't die blush Made an arse of myself in front of friends. I feel like death, really bad and had vowed never to touch another drop, but when DP poured himself a beer, i really wanted it. What the fuck do i do?

TheSilverySoothsayer Sat 03-Aug-13 22:38:22

Don't panic, LEM. How many JD & cokes?

How often do you drink day to day?

Do you often have hangovers and what are they like? Do you drink more water than you would have thought humanly possible before going to bed drunk?

LEM that does not make you an alcoholic.

You got drunk on one day. We are all allowed to do that from time to time. (My neighbour and I drank 3 bottles of wine between us. I don't think I'm an alcoholic.

My dad was an alcoholic.

He would drink a 2 litre bottle of beer/cider ever 2-3 days.
He would drink a whole bottle of whiskey a weekend.
On top of that he would go to the pub 3-4 times a week. Twice on a sunday.
Day in. Day out. Week in week out.
For years He would have a cup of coffee when he got up. He would drink NOTHING else but alcohol all day.
He would 'sneak' mums christmas spirits and then when she went to have a drop in spring/summer there would be a cm left in the bottle. Being a 15/16yo I would get the blame...
He kept a 2litre bottle of beer/cider by his bed.
Before he got his licence revoked he kept the same in his car.
In the same way I struggle to function to do day to dau tasks w/o ADs. He needed alcohol to function.
He needed alcohol. To the extent he would drink tesco value beer and spirits just because it was alcohol.


Are you drinking EVERY day?
Are you regularly getting drunk alone (IMO getting drunk occassionally and/or socially does not mean you are an alcoholic).
Do you need alcohol to get you through the day/function?

I think we could all do with cutting down. But tgat doesn't mean we are alcoholics.

My day has been ok. Craft project going well. Totally out of my scope of experience but really enjoying it. It is a totally bespoke comissioned piece (cryptic). Will hopefully finish tomorrow. Forced myself to do some housework first which was good as I totally absorbed myself in it once I started.

Hugs to all. Especially vicar. Hope the flat clearing hasn't been too stressful and hope it hasn't thrown up any more surprises.

TheSilverySoothsayer Sun 04-Aug-13 00:44:57

Someone I know is a recovering alcoholic. He used to drink every day usually to excess. He got into fights. His drinking was nothing like you describe about yourself. He would have gone for 'the hair of the dog', not resisted it. (I think you imply you resisted?)

I used to put it away like nobody's business in my 20's and 30's - fending off hangovers with the above trick with the water, and drinking different things in the same session. Then I went onto wine, mostly, till I noticed it was bringing out a nasty side of me as I got older. Now it's the very occasional lager.

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 04-Aug-13 01:22:17

evening all

lem - my dh told me the other day he thinks i have a problem with alcohol - i dont drink to excess but i do drink too much and drink daily. Im trying to take stock, and be much more mindful of what im drinking. a blow out every now and then isnt that bad - but Dh told me i am deluding myself as to how much i drink.

im weary tonight - more DS related nonsense but i wont bore venting on chat anyway. He is such hard hard work and i feel guilty for thinking that - its easier when he is not under my feet and constantly in my thoughts. flat clearing sorted - but im sad that he gave up his uni course so near to the end. Im sat here waiting for his washing to dry so he has clothes to take back tomorrow with him down south. Im cross that he didnt come out for the meal i had booked tonight because he has partied for 3 days and was too hungover. I feel like telling him to book a bloody hotel next time he comes home.
i have my medical tests coming up and then my lovely spa break with very much looking forward to a complete break for 2 days. i need to just not be thinking for those days, just enjoying rest and relaxation and some spa treatments.....roll on.

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 04-Aug-13 01:24:18

oh and i have 3 more ratty rescues.....i now have 9 ratty rodents. sounds mad but everyday i take them up to the bathroom to roam free - it forces me to either unwind in a bath or read for an hour.....they are good for my health. i take the 6 girls up and then the 3 boys.....i know i appear off my rocker but they are good for my soul.....

TheSilverySoothsayer Sun 04-Aug-13 01:40:55

Nine rats grin

In our later wine phase at first we used to tuck into 3 litre wine boxes over a weekend. Then Ex ordered mixed cases from Laithwaites, and he and I would drink a bottle each a night. To the horror of DD, then in early teens, who berated us. But we thought we weren't being excessive.

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 04-Aug-13 02:30:53

i adore my boy rodents.....
ive just had Dudley out for cuddles and then Barney - Barney is fat and lazy and just loves a cuddle - he just lays with his eyes half closed while i rub his head and ears....then gives me an appreciative lick on the lips. he is just a little fat bundle of gorgeousness. smile
the girls have been out for rat runs around the bathroom - but they are skittish and while funny dont do cuddles like the boys do....

im just about to get my other boy who has been left out a bit tonight....i just love my lazy big fat docile cuddly boyos....

i think i may be a rat addict. i am reading books again because of them - because while they free range i need something to do!

i sat waiting for clothes come out of the drier for DS....

LEMisdisappointed Sun 04-Aug-13 10:10:35

Thanks guys - maybe alcoholic is a bit extreme but i definately have a problem with drink, i probably drink 3-5 bottles of wine a week, or the equivalent in beer. Like you, Vicar, my DP has expressed his concern. I let my indulgence ruin our weekend and im very cross with myself - my back and sides hurt so my liver and kidneys were clearly not happy with me! Silvery, it was just the one JD and coke, i can so pretty week, but still,a whole bottle of pink wine and four cans of beer? shock It has to stop, i associate wine with being relaxed and i look at other people sipping wine and looking all relaxed and happy an think it will make me feel the same. I am struggling alot with my self esteem lately and have a thread in relationships where i spoke about my inability to make close friends and i got hammered on it sad Accused of being gay (which i don't really care about, i wouldn't rule it out but never met a woman i fancied if that makes sense) but in time old mn fashion, once one poster had decided i was a closet lesbian everyone jumped on it. Thats why i only tend to share here now - not because you will tell me what i want to hear but that we appreciate each others backgrounds and are a bit more sensitive to the small stuff.

Am definately intrigued re your craft challeng Ed! Will there be a reveal??

Ciq - you must be as frustrated with your DH as my DP was with me, and i STILL feel like shit. I am going to try to go cold turkey on the booze actually - we are shopping in a bit and i will pick myself some nice grown up fizzy, NON alcoholic treats to sip in the sunshine. To be fair, i don't tend to do the blow out drinking and am so cross with myself but its done now and my DD thought it was hysterical! Especially when i decided i needed a piddle so stripped down to bra and pants and jumped in the sea in the middle of a firework display blushgrin I blame the heat really hmm

hoochymama1 Sun 04-Aug-13 16:58:34

Ooh, I don't know it's really hard to be objective about your drinking. My mum was an alcoholic Ed. It was horrible, as you know. We could never have friends round blush

Found an AA questionnaire, might be helpful confused

Anyway, I've felt really down over the last couple of days. It all seems so pointless.

So, tomorrow I am,

Meeting a friend for coffee
Going to the library to get new books.

I shall tell you tomorrow if I manage to do this stuff, or just slump on the sofa as usual grin

SnowyMouse Sun 04-Aug-13 17:18:32

Big hugs vicar, and to all.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 04-Aug-13 21:07:56

Thanks for the link hoochy - i hope you enjoy the swim! I love swimming in the sea i think i may take DD tomorrow, can't bear swimming pools though - i get claustrophobic and sweaty in the changing room. Managed to get out and about today - saw some friends id not seen for too long and it was nice. Feeling a little more human - my liver still hates me though smile

Notsoblonde Mon 05-Aug-13 00:00:58

Creeps back into thread slowly.

Hi all lem and vicar sorry your feeling like this, but it's so easy to fall into the way of, sit down, glass of wine and unwind. I relate wine to relaxing too, I used to get kids off to bed then straight to fridge and pour myself a lovely cold glass of wine, then another one, then maybe another one. Did this most nights for a while, last few years though I only did it from thurs night to sat, but since starting the sertraline I have made a concerted effort not to drink, I have maybe had 3 glasses of wine in 7 weeks.

snowy well done on being discharged grin

hoochy did you go swimming?

I have had a bit of a rubbish week, thought I was doing so well, then a cat dug its claws into me, you honestly barely see it, but I have gotten myself in such a tizz, thinking I may have tetanus sad I went to see my practice nurse the next day who gave me a tetanus booster as mine was 5 years overdue (have had loads in my yoof) just to update it but my anxiety has reared it's ugly head again. I even phoned my gp the other night saying I felt my jaw was stiff, she said she really wasnt concerned about tetanus but am still worried.

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 05-Aug-13 00:21:38

evening everyone
hoochy hope you managed your swim.
notso anxiety is horrible - rationality doesnt seem to enter into it does it....hope you are feeling a bit better tonight.

lem i think im going to buy some fancy nice soft drinks - shloer or similar and try to not buy wine.

i didnt feel like id overdone it today but in reality i have - i had 2 white wine spritzers at dinner as i went with DD to the local as DH had taken DS back down to devon - then DD wanted to try pimms so i bought a pitcher of pimms and lemonade - she didnt like it so i ended up drinking it.

and ive had a glass of red tonight. added up thats really not good....

DS has gone back down south, he really winds me up when he is here but i miss and worry about him when he isnt. i stayed up the whole night washing and drying his clothes (he had left most of what he owned at uni so it all came home with us yesterday - all needed washing) i went to bed at 8 this morning when they left - poor DH has driven for over 9 hours....i worry so it was probably good that i slept through a lot of it....

am going to attempt to get ot bed in a min - realised i havent taken my meds for a couple of days so will do that now.

vicar I love you.

You just made me realise I missed my bedtime meds.

I really can't miss a dose of my new ones. Supposed to be really bad news and I don't fancy trying it.

Anyway I took tonights and realised I missed this mornings (packet is labelled with days - good job cos I need it)...oops...may explain my shakiness today.

Still working on craft project...I'm a bit of a perfectionist but I think I am getting there....

TheSilverySoothsayer Mon 05-Aug-13 09:56:22

Hello all, been busy with a writing project, but following you all, and still doing well. May have let the house slip a little though blush.

hoochymama1 Mon 05-Aug-13 18:00:03

Nope, didn't swim, but went to Library and coffee with friends smile Such a struggle at the moment, but going to London with dh on Wednesday for two nights hmm dh presently in bed with an MS relapse. I am not optimistic about the trip sad as use of legs is generally needed around town.

Good reminders about meds, I'm getting complacent too blush

I just want to go back to bed and hibernate...

Tomorrow, big food shop and swim maybe

Much love to all fellow fete people .The rain has only got bad since we invented the fete thing. Coincidence? I think not grin

Have a happy and peaceful evening.

TheSilverySoothsayer Mon 05-Aug-13 18:50:18

Is there anything like Shopmobility you could use to hire a scootery-thing (what are they called?) - does Shopmobility even exist anymore, she suddenly wondered...

TheSilverySoothsayer Mon 05-Aug-13 18:52:51

<mode Linda Snell (from ^The Archers^)> the fete has been going through some of the best sunny weather we've had in years <indignant hurrumph>

I predict it will be sunny again tomorrow wink

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 06-Aug-13 01:32:35

i hope so silvery

ed i love you too! just realised ive missed em again today! going to take them right now.....

i have done nothing today and it was bliss. i didnt get dressed. i didnt brush my hair, i just lazed about and read my book and played with the ratty ds has gone back down south i lay on his bed reading and let the rats run riot in his room grin

my boys all came and laid on me while i was reading. They really are just like mini dogs....right down to the kisses they give me.

right. off to take those meds and read for a bit.

I am such an idiot.

I have JUST got into bed.

I have been crafting.

I am a perfectionist. I keep tweaking. And tweaking. And tweaking until I have no more time to tweak.

It needs to be complete by sept but I want it to be complete by tomorrow hmm confused morning. I want it to be complete so I can give it to the person instead of putting in the post. I want to see their reaction. They have seen the prototypes and were impressed. I was impressed. But now I have almost completed the real thing it looks stunning (if I do say so mtself - promise pics tomorrow).

But why oh why did I not go to bed 3hrs, 4hrs, 5hrs ago?

Because I'm a perfectionist. I strive for perfection and can't stop until I fall (true perfection is never acheived...there is always something that can be better).

When I was teaching I spent hours and hours planning to try and make the perfect lesson....I stayed up till 3 am...night after night. I was in the classroom at 8am. I only stopped to eat (occassionally) and shower. I slept when I could stay awake no more. Is it any wonder I broke down???

I haven't taken tonights meds as I figure it isnt tonight any more....

Right. Sleep. Up at 9am to finish Willy... (thats his name....stop thinking rude things!).

Waves to all.

Also thinking of UA I know you had a tough week last week. Hope you have the strength to come back and join us.

filee777 Tue 06-Aug-13 08:03:53

Hey just jo

filee777 Tue 06-Aug-13 08:08:23

- joining in, I'm Fi and I have just started taking anti-depressants which I am hoping will remove my anxiety, my depression and at last let me see the world clearly, I am also desperate to lose weight as am 17 stone right now, today I plan to eat well and have set aside some time to go to the gym which I haven't done for weeks and weeks, just been feeling so low and dismal I haven't been able to think about going.

Had a hard week at work, they are being really supportive but I am in just such a mood at the moment, had a wonderful weekend with the family so I should really be on cloud nine counting my blessings and I'm not. I just feel like its all about to cave in.

I hope everyone else has a nice day, sorry I haven't read back through the thread, LEM sent me in this direction, all the best x Fi

TheSilverySoothsayer Tue 06-Aug-13 09:15:38

Ed I am like that too - when I can get going in the first place. In my case I suspect Inattentive ADD - people with this can Attend all right, if it's something they are interested in, and have a problem switching off.

I keep thinking "I'll get my writing project finished today" then although I am working on and off all day it doesn't finish, in the old days I would have kept on half the night, these days I can actually make myself go to bed.

Am agog to see what your project is...

LEMisdisappointed Tue 06-Aug-13 09:40:40

Morning Filee - glad you found us! I have weight issues too, just coming around to the idea of a diet, i exercise a lot but never seem to shift it. Alcohol is, i suspect, not my friend in that department and I have made a resolution to stop, or at least dramatically cut down. I haven't had any since friday but to be fair, my hangover only really subsised yesterday blush

Am also waiting for the grand reveal Ed!

TheSilverySoothsayer Tue 06-Aug-13 09:55:57

Hi filee - in dashing off my reply to Ed I forgot to say hello blush

What ADs are you on? I am on paroxatine 20mg just as a maintenance dose. IME the right antidepressant can really help you see the world more clearly, so that you can start to deal with the other stuff that isn't helping (be it weight, work, or in my case, my now ExH confused )

filee777 Tue 06-Aug-13 10:22:58

In on sertraline, 50mgs to start but I think they are looking to increase that in a couple of weeks.

I was on citalopram but only for 2 days as it left me zombiefied and incontinent.

Day six and I feel more depressed if anything. Definitely more anxious.

TheSilverySoothsayer Tue 06-Aug-13 10:27:01

Not from personal experience, but some people on here have had quite bad side effects at the start. In the long term though, Sertraline has been effective, as I have seen since these threads of vicar's began smile

TheSilverySoothsayer Tue 06-Aug-13 10:29:06

However, everyone is different, and getting the right AD is in part a matter of trial and error. Give the sertraline a good long chance to work, keep posting, and if in a couple of months you think it's not for you, go back to your GP and ask to change to something different.

LEMisdisappointed Tue 06-Aug-13 10:36:04

filee - that is to be expected really, i think you will find that you will start to feel better soon. I went really downhill when i started on the citalopram which otherwise suits me. Once the actualy side effects subside it does start to work. Have a good day today - im just about to take my dog out, he is being weird and anxious hmm so am hoping a good walk sorts him out.

hoochymama1 Tue 06-Aug-13 10:38:51

Welcome Fi, hope you feel better soon smile

Can't wait to see Willy, Ed, don't let them tease you! grin It's something to think about as you go back to school, though, looking after yourself really is a top priority. Limiting the planning and prep about staying in school to prep, then forgetting about it when you go home? Good enough is good enough, just do enough to get through.

Sorry, Silverysooth for disrespecting your powers of weather prediction flowers

Much love to Lem ,Ciq ,Snowy , UA , Vicar and anyone else I've forgotten.
Just did a big shop, shouted at the teenagers, now off to swim..
Have a good day.

Hi Fi

In a rush. But the suspense is over. Willy is on my profile.

Back later.

LEMisdisappointed Tue 06-Aug-13 11:04:00

Ed - overplanning was my downfall when i was at the college, but i just could not get my head around it not being "good enough" when other people could just wing it sad

Off to look at willy now!

LEMisdisappointed Tue 06-Aug-13 11:05:35

LOVE willy, and i recognise it but can't name him

wfrances Tue 06-Aug-13 11:25:13

hi all, can i join in please
im suffering ocd overload with the dc home from school
does anyone have any helpful tips of coping ?
my stress levels have gone through though the roof ,and its now effecting my sleep and appetite-
i feel too agitated to eat, and keep waking up at 3ish either because i can smell burning,or hear someone knocking at the front door.

LEMisdisappointed Tue 06-Aug-13 11:32:45

hello wfrances - have you seen your doctor about this? are you on any medication at all? How does your OCD manifest itself? I struggle with DD home actually, athough i struggle when she is at school too confused but i find that getting out and about is the best way to cope for me. Which isn't always easy i know.

wfrances Tue 06-Aug-13 11:44:20

lem- ive had this since childhood ,everynow and again it escalates,usually caused by a change i cant control.
no meds as im irrationally petrified of anything including paracetemol.
i tidy and must have order ,i dont like things touched .
which i can semi control whilist theyre all at school then they have tea and back out for activities ect.
now they are all home all the time and i cant do more 40% of the things i need to do because i dont want them to see me doing it ,i dont want my dc to think think this is normal/right.
sadly i cant get out,im housebound most of the time.

Fishandjam Tue 06-Aug-13 12:22:21

Hello everyone,

Sorry I've been AWOL. I seem to have been really tired lately, with only enough energy to lurk. And my back has "gone" again, which always takes a lot out of me. (I have a dysfunctional sacro-iliac joint - nothing serious but by buggery it hurts when it decides to flare up.) Moodwise I'm not too bad, though I wish I could stop catastrophising. Something happened at work last week and I went slightly off the deep end about it - looking back, it really wasn't that big a deal but I started seeing all the worst case scenarios (losing my job etc).

I've never actually been offered counselling because my GP is sure my depression is inherited/endogenous (I have a lot of family history of it). But I do wonder if I should insist on it now. What do you all think? I'm happy to find and pay for my own counsellor to save waiting, but I have no idea how to go about finding a good one. There's a lady locally who offers it but I know her personally, although not socially (we worked together before she changed career, though it's around 9 years since that time). I liked her a lot when we worked together, and would feel quite comfortable talking to her, but I'm not sure if it would be better to have a complete stranger instead.

vicar, I saw your thread in Chat. I have no idea how you've managed to cope with all that for so long. You're amazing, even though you may not feel like you are.

LEM and vicar, my understanding is that you're only an alcholic if you really, really cannot get through the day without a drink. I have occasionally been on the verge of that, though it's usually been when I actually need the ADs and haven't been taking them blush. So from the sounds of it, you two aren't in that territory. Though cutting down is of course good for the health and the wallet! (I'm such a cheap date now after having two kids - can't drink more than 1/2 bottle wine without feeling squiffy. Gone are the days when DH and I would sink a bottle each plus a few G&Ts or whiskies of an evening.)

filee, I'm on sertraline when I remember to take it and after the first 7-10 days it really helped me. So please do stick with it, you may well find that things improve a lot here on in.

Ed, is Willy the bird? Do I spot a Lesser Spotted Woodpecker?

<waves> to hoochy, TSS, snowy, wfrances and anyone I've missed.

Greater spotted woodpecker I'll have you know grin

Seriously though I'm just pleased its recogbisable as a woodpecker.

LEMisdisappointed Tue 06-Aug-13 13:49:08

now you say what it is Ed, its obvious smile Its really very good!

feel on edge today - bit shouty with DD. We have been out and got some fresh air though, long walk with the dogs one of whom was being really stressy this morning and it does seem to have settled him for now. I think i feel stressed because i have no plans. A friend did call to make some plans for tomorrow but they are weather dependant.

Unfortunatelyanxious - if you are looking in - still in my thoughts xxx

filee777 Tue 06-Aug-13 14:22:40

Day 7 tomorrow, I hope it helps me.

I feel like shit today and my hip hurts sad going to the gym helped neither.

filee777 Tue 06-Aug-13 16:12:41

I actually think they have just started working

LEMisdisappointed Tue 06-Aug-13 16:39:00

I'm pleased about that filee smile what made you feel better?

filee777 Tue 06-Aug-13 16:56:25

I don't know as such, just feel like the black cloud in my chest has lifted a bit smile

TheSilverySoothsayer Tue 06-Aug-13 17:09:02

Ed smile he's great

LEMisdisappointed Tue 06-Aug-13 17:15:17

Thats so brilliant fileee - im going to have a celebratory glass of .............tonic water to celebrate smile Honestly, that is really good news, it shows that you will get better and get to a place in your head where you can either have counselling or get your own plans together and get on top of things. Starting with sorting out that drawer wink

Fishandjam Tue 06-Aug-13 22:23:51

That's great news filee!

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 07-Aug-13 01:13:04

a warm welcome to wfrances and fi

im on sertraline too fi - started on 50mg and am now on 100mg - the side effects are pants to begin with (or were for me) but i think this is the first time in my entire life i have been unhindered by anxiety.....i had no idea how debilitating it had become - i would be gripped with it sometimes - i missed out on some nice things because even though i was present in body my mind would be reeling, had i turned the oven off? had i moved everything off the top of the hob in case the cat managed to turn it on? (my cats can actually do this...!!) had DD unplugged the straighteners? were the windows all shut? where did i leave the cat? had i made sure the dog was in? what had i done with that (fill in the blanks) that i needed....had i checked the cars oil and tyres? where is my AA membership card? what if what if what if....

i have no idea how i got through a day. im much more relaxed on the sertraline. anxiety sometimes still grips but i have way more perspective. (i have just had to go and count my rats....dont ask!)

ed i love your willy! (ooer!) very clever.

we took DD and her boyfriend to the cinema today then to pizza hut. had a nice day. i dont want my and DHs time off to end - its been lovely. Im starting to get anxious about my 24 hour ph test which is scheduled for next week....really not sure how i will cope at all - when i had to have tube up my nose to view my vocal chords i choked and choked - this one is meant to stay there for 24 hours, my vocal chords are knackered and anything that irritates them makes me cough horrendously. i will explain this before the test and if the worst comes to the worst i will go to A&E here and get the tube removed.....or pull it out bracing myself. ive had to stop the hernia meds today.
anyway - hugs to all

lem was it you who saw my thread in chat? cant remember who it was but whoever it was thank you....DS has been my lifeswork - on the whole i think we have equipped him well considering his SN.....but he is still a huge drain on my resources both physically and mentally....(not to mention monetary)

i think this is where the sertraline has come into its own....i am not sure i would have coped with the last few months without it.

filee777 Wed 07-Aug-13 07:20:12

Well the 'light' feeling didn't last all day but it did five me a glimpse of what it will feel like to be properly 'installed' on them

Hi and thanks to everyone who has welcomed me! I can't see the willy(?) because I am on my phone but I am more than intrigued!

LEM I hope you enjoyed your tonic smile made me smile thanks for that

vicar it sounds like sertraline has worked really well for you, I've never had OCD anxiety but I still manage to get myself into a proper tiz about not much at all, I sort of lay our the things I need to do for the day and sometimes I will just go round and round not knowing where to start without something going wrong etc etc. also sometimes I just will sit there and stop because I can't handle thinking about the things I need to do, I also put this weird fear on stuff that I need to do for no reason and build it up to way more than it is in my head. Thats when it properly debilitates me because I end up doing nothing!

filee777 Wed 07-Aug-13 11:43:49

Well I am now eagerly waiting the time when I can take my sertraline hoping it makes me feel as good as yesterday's dose. I just wish it lasted a bit longer

LEMisdisappointed Wed 07-Aug-13 12:16:24

you know what filee, it wasn't the sertraline that made you feel good - you did that actually, the sertraline lifted the clouds but you are the one who is battling this and can now see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I am struggling today - really struggling, so pissed off - need to get some motivation but i think i have a mild uti and it making me lazy

SnowyMouse Wed 07-Aug-13 13:17:03

Hugs to everyone, old and new.

I'm struggling at the moment too, see CPN tomorrow (and yesterday). I'm happier with the cooler weather though.

TheSilverySoothsayer Wed 07-Aug-13 13:40:10

Hi all, had second assessment for AS yesterday, it took 3 hours, and while not stressful, took it out of me I think. Am getting ready to go away next Mon - by trying to rest up today, as part of me wants to go into overdrive, which I musn't do.

I've had a lie down this morning and a sort of doze but not a real sleep. Plan is to chill (may see a friend), shop (cat has run out of food) and some bits of housework without triggering overdrive.

Sometimes a lazy day is needed Lem. Basic hygiene, food provision and doing nothing.

<waves to all, with a special wave to snowy>

filee777 Wed 07-Aug-13 13:43:47

LEM just have some mini victories going on today smile. I am really enjoying the afternoons now, the sertraline is making me feel really great. I am really tempted to up my dose to 100mgs taken one in the morning and one in the afternoon.

TheSilverySoothsayer Wed 07-Aug-13 14:23:00

filee talk to your GP first if you wish to up the dose. I wouldn't yet, as you seem to be finding it effective quite quickly.

I don't know about sertraline, but paroxatine can trigger hypomania in people with bipolar, so best to be on the safe side, and not to up med without clinical input.

TheSilverySoothsayer Wed 07-Aug-13 14:25:50

When do you take it btw? This can make a drastic difference with some meds - when I started on olanzapine I was taking it at night, and feeling groggy all next morning. My community psych said I should be taking it at tea-time, and should be asleep while the 'grogginess' was in effect, as that was what was helping me sleep. The effect of taking it at the right time was immediate.

filee777 Wed 07-Aug-13 15:44:21

I've been taking it earlier and earlier, I want to take it first thing but didn't the first night incase it left me dopey.

TheSilverySoothsayer Wed 07-Aug-13 16:11:50

When does it tell you to take it - it should be on the chemist's label?

LEMisdisappointed Wed 07-Aug-13 16:20:16

Don't up the dose filee - it will be a fine balance between what is the therapeutic and benificial dose for you, based on your needs and metabolism etc and a dose that would make you feel much worse. You know what, if its working then thats great, its not a wonder drug and wont make you feel wonderful all day - yes its brilliant that its helping but you need to make sure you are not on a false high.

Turns out i have had PMT, which is a bit WTF because i have a mirena coil but today i am bleeding and have a sore back, thats why i thought i had a uti, didnt recognise the AF symptoms as its been ages.

Also my mother is causing me worry, i have a thread going about it so wont repeat but her MH is making me look positively jolly just now.

Fishandjam Wed 07-Aug-13 16:24:00

My sertraline label says to take it in the morning.

filee777 Wed 07-Aug-13 17:04:25

It says on mine to take morning or evening (lustral)

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 07-Aug-13 22:03:24

i take mine with my evening meal - i did this because it used to make me feel a bit sick and fatigued so taking it at night was easier to cope with the symptoms.

i think it can take a bit of experimenting with. i can take mine at anytime now.

Hi everyone esp filee and wfrances. Hope your days been ok.

Haven't been around much mainly cos it's been full on with dcs at home and going camping at the weekend with family and lovely Bro and his family. One night test run for us all and kids loved it. I enjoyed it but got no sleep as blow up mattress had a puncture! Two nights of no sleep meant I was not in a good place on sun, but ok mon. But planning to buy tent and all v excited!

Take care all x

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 08-Aug-13 00:39:20

goodnight everyone.

im hoping i can sleep at at reasonable hour (ie - now!) and get up early tomorrow as we are taking DD and her boyfriend to alton towers....

hope everyone has a good day tomorrow.

filee777 Thu 08-Aug-13 15:29:46

I phoned the doctor this morning, they said if I up my dose I might get the shits again, I said I would take the risk so have taken 2 50mg tablets today.

SnowyMouse Thu 08-Aug-13 16:01:38

Enjoy Alton Towers vicar

TheSilverySoothsayer Thu 08-Aug-13 17:36:58

filee do report what effect the increased dose has, won't you?

The good - and the bad wink

filee777 Thu 08-Aug-13 22:33:00

Hello well I've had a good and productive day, been a bit forgetful, forgot a very important call but managed to pull it back at the last minute.

I jumped in and helped at work this evening when two of the girls went sick and so they think I am brilliant, I told them to prove it by sorting out my dodgy hours!

It's half ten now and I am not at all tired, which to be honest has been the only nasty side effect. So I am going to have a zopiclone and crash out.

I think 100mgs is better for me, it means I am not thinking about which part of the day I want to not have the black pit of death in my chest...

wfrances Fri 09-Aug-13 09:58:47

morning all.
so as i cant clean and tidy ,i decided to sort (doesnt look so bad in front of kids)
started in the 2 outbuildings - i dont usually go in them,as thats where i send everything from the house.
anyway i found a box of half made christmas decos from last year.(school xmas fetes)so ive set my self a goal of finishing 20 a day
so far its been a nice distraction/
hope your all feeling well, and have nice things planned for the weekend.

would anyone happen to know when the next ebay free listing day is?

filee777 Fri 09-Aug-13 14:47:15

Gah! I cocked up at work AGAIN! Needs to be the last time I am such a moron!

I didn't go to two of my calls this afternoon and the third one I was 2 hours late for! Just dreadful behaviour

Anyway work are being quite cool with me but I must stop it sad

LEMisdisappointed Fri 09-Aug-13 16:55:01

what do you do fillee?

I am not doing so well here - really really struggling, my counsellor says she is worried about me - told me to chill out hmm

filee777 Fri 09-Aug-13 17:44:27

Lost my rota and didn't turn up to 2 of my calls sad dreadful

SnowyMouse Fri 09-Aug-13 17:51:16

Hugs LEM

filee777 Fri 09-Aug-13 17:55:34

Oh I am a home carer for the elderly (mostly)

lEM I hope you feel better soon!

hoochymama1 Fri 09-Aug-13 18:07:12

Sorry to hear that, Lem hope you have a better evening, my lovely.

Be careful about the self-meds filee, work with the gp. Hope it all sorts itself soon.

Keep on posting wfrances, it sounds like today has gone well.

Oo ((( Snowy ))) and ((( silvery ))) flowers flowers

I love your woodpecker Ed

London was great with dh, and none of my worries came true.

Really worried about DS, he is 23, mh problems, binge eater, has failed 2nd year 3 times, is living with us now and about to do y2 again while living at home.But we came home just now and the other children said he was really isolating, overeating huge amounts and they were really worried. I can't stand any more. I feel I have to give him another chance at uni, but am very sceptical about his ability to engage with uni. Help!! I feel such a crap mum, but I feel, if he doesn't cope with uni this time, I am all out of patience, and just want him gone.We had a frank exchange of views, which was mainly me going on...and now he's gone for a walk.


SnowyMouse Fri 09-Aug-13 20:33:38

I'm going through a rough patch, my mood is a 2 or 3. I'm switching antidepressants when my gp gets the letter. Can't seem to stop eating, keep going to the corner shop and buying junk.

I'm sorry things are so rough for your DS hoochy, does he have MH support for doing his uni work? (I'm not sure what they do, but I was offered MH support on top of other things).

Hi everyone

Hugs to lem, hoochy, filee and anyone else who needs them. Well done wfrances for finding an activity you can work through.

hoochy that sounds really tough with your ds - wish I had some gem of advice, but really hoping you and he can find a positive way forward.

lem has anything triggered your feeling worse - concerned to hear your counsellors worried about you. Take care of yourself and try and be kind to yourself x.

Hello snowy, silvery and anyone lurking. Hope you're doing ok this fri night x

Hugs snowy is the eating thing a recent change? I had that for a week with the fluox - or it may have been a hormonal blip. Fortunately stopped. What are planning on switching to?

SnowyMouse Fri 09-Aug-13 20:49:37

It is a recent change, bit odd as I'm taking less of the lofepramine in preparation for switching to mirtazepine. I hope it does stop, I can't afford to put on weight.

How is everyone doing?

filee777 Fri 09-Aug-13 20:56:08

I've been eating a bit too much the last couple of days too, plus had a bit of a bleed?? Vaginal

Hope so too snowy.

filee I think lots of people comfort eat when they're down (I know I do). Are you worried about the bleed (feel free not to reply if you'd rather not! )

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Fri 09-Aug-13 23:22:14

Evening all,
I have a giant turnip to show, can I come into the veggie tent?

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 10-Aug-13 00:00:57

giant veges welcome....step this way! never

i had a lovely day yesterday, but am spent up. have no money left until the end of the month. We shouldnt really have gone to Alton Towers but we havent had a holiday in 2 years now so we irresponsibly said sod it and went anyway....
it was meant to go on credit card but i took the old one instead of the new on so it wouldnt work...
then on the way home DH hit the bloody kerb on a dual carriageway at 70, car was due a service but was going to wait until end of the month....didnt dare risk it after kerbing it so badly.
upshot is no money till pay day.
going to aldi tomorrow to try and do a cheap shop.

had a lovely day today though - dsis came came through unexpectedly and we went to the coastal resort we used to go to as kids and stay in a chalet at....we havent been for 35 years so we got a bit lost in nostalgia. we even went to the chalet park for a mooch round.
We had a real laugh....we do get a bit silly in each others company sometimes but its lovely and she is someone i properly belly laugh one point i had to sit down for fear of wetting myself....
we collected pebbles on the beach. We bought cheap chips and takeaway coffee and had a lovely lovely afternoon.
so much so we are now resolving to go and stay there for a few nights and do some serious beach combing....
im stuck on the bones of my arse till pay day but maybe after that it would be nice - its a dump of a place but has a lovely interesting beach, and we said we could just go for a few night to have a laugh and enjoy the company. so thinking about it and pricing it up - we could do it for about £70 quid for 3 nights next month....i was apprehensive about going back there - it held such special memories for me - but it was actually really nice.
and i havent laughed like that for ages. i think that alone did me good.

so. thats me. back to work next week and then these bloody tests which im dreading....

but then the spa - (which thank god is paid for) to look forward to, and possibly a few nights with dsis at our childhood holiday resort. will see.

right. off to read for a bit. forget meds too today so best go and take them.

how is everyone else doing?

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Sat 10-Aug-13 00:11:46

thanks for the welcome, when is the prize giving?
what does happen to the massive veggies, do people make soup and stuff out of them or do they get distributed elsewhere?

My anxiety is sky high at the moment, I know why and am using as many of the techniques I learned in therapy to deal with them but the main part was to recognise that anxiety was my bodies way of telling me i had taken on more than I could handle. Unfortunately am not in a position to remove things at the moment.

So, am going to go to GP next week for a few sleeping pills to try to reset my body clock. (it has worked before) I spend so much of the night awake worrying and stressing that I am exhausted the next day and each of the little things I need to achieve feel like mountains to climb. I am hoping that with some decent sleep I will be able to handle things a bit better.
Most of all I am frightened that if I don't get a handle on this anxiety that my ptsd with kick in and I will end up with full on flashbacks where as at the moment it is just feeling scared and fight or flighty all the time.

wow that was too long. sorry... <wanders off to polish veg ready for judging>

Good evening all.

Been awol for a few days.

Dcs have been on holiday with xp, so I have been home alone. I did have a plan to blitz the whole house while they were gone...well I started at 2pm I blitzed my lounge floor....which was lovely until dcs came home. But I'm thinking c'est la vie. I've had a pretty chilled and relaxing few days. I have missed them, but within a couple of hours I have to say I was missing my 'me time'.

Been back to drs and she is going to start spacing out my reviews smile.

Current plan is to go back to uni oct ish. I will do part time for a couple of weeks before full time. I have to do 6wks but clock will start ticking when full time starts.

Only thorn in the plan is that I am due to go back to the same school.
Now I don't feel my breakdown was a direct result of the school. But it was a tough placement. School is in a very deprived area and although it doesn't have huge behavioural problems it can only acheive that through strong classroom management which I haven't mastered. So I find it tough. There is a LOT of departmental politics (previous NQT resigned from the career with stress). Head of dept. Has a strong personality. I get on eith her but constantly on my guard with her. She has exceedingly high expectations which fuel my own high expectations and subsequent (non) failures.
From my own perspective I feel my first 6wks there was tainted by my dsfs cancer and subsequent bereavement. I feel that I wasn't focussed for those 6 weeks. In my head those 6wks 'don't count'. I then feel guilty that I left them suddenly when my dsf was transferred home on the liverpool care pathway.
I then returned and did a week before breaking down. So I left them again. I just percieve myself as being a troublemaker to them iyswim. Stop start. No commitment.

Anyway, all of the numerous friends I have told the plan to are shocked that I am returning to the same school. Some are personal friends that have seen me crack and heard my plight with unexperienced ears. Others are friends thst trained with me. My dr was also surprised.

Anyway...after all that waffle I am going to ask for a new placement, and if necessary my dr will write a letter supportimg me.

I hope that is the right thing to do and it isn't a case of better the devil you know.

In other news this weeks twin for me is snowy. I have put on sooo much weight recently. Ive been living on a diet of chocolate (especially minstrels which have free cinema tokens on). I NEED TO STOP. I have been drinking a lot less alcohol this week and even better a lot more clear fluid (I drink less than a pint of non alcohol a day. Always have.)..

But I am happy to still be vicars twin too....struggling with money here. I have cash stowed away but need to move it to current account to access it...before I accidently hit my overdraft for the first time since student days.

I really should open some mail...have started doing some non scary looking bits as they arrive but need to deal with backlog

Talking of increased meds doses...when I increased I didn't notice any recurrance of side effects. I was on fluoxetine though.

Hugs to all welcome to the newcomers.

I see you have made a fantastic display there with those 2 turnips and that strange shaped carrot, and what a strange effect you rubbing it vigerously with oil...I've never seen veggies do that before <childish giggle in the corner>

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 10-Aug-13 02:16:20

well talking of childish giggles.....

when dsis and i were queuing for coffee we noticed a whole myriad of exotic ice cream flavours.
i asked Dsis what they were and she replied "oh they have manilla"
so i in my innocence asked what the chuff "manilla" was
and she said "could be man flavoured ice its just Vanilla"
and i whispered "oh theres a business idea in there somewhere - we could do cock cones"
which caused us both to absolutely lose it while stood in the queue and im sure people thought we were barking mad because we were in hysterics....

then in our fascination with the pebbles on the beach we walked right past the car park and couldnt find it....

and as we were putting the haul of pebbles in the boot she commented that the 'stones would be full of boot'
instead of the 'boot would be full of stones'....we must have been on the laughing gas because i had to sit down in the car park at this point.....

so polish those veggies girls! judging will commence!

filee777 Sat 10-Aug-13 06:51:33

ed I really think that a fresh start, even ifs a just as tough one, will be better for you. It amazing the power that a place or group of uniforms can hold, I could never go back to the town I grew up in, I used to pave the streets in that town thinking everybody knew I was the worst person in the world, my brother would speak to my friend groups and tell them to be wary of me too, so before people even met me they would have a preconceived idea and of course that didn't help. All part of his web of abuse.

When we lost our house the council (after I had expressedly told them I couldn't) told me they had a house for me in the town to live. I was so upset it made me Ill, I hyperventilated and ended up on the floor screaming and shaking

3 weeks later I found out that my little baby girl had died in my belly at about that time.

Don't let a place possibly take you back there because people remember and so will you, through smells and sounds and sights and it may impede your brilliant recovery

TheSilverySoothsayer Sat 10-Aug-13 09:43:25

filee sad [hugs]

Ed well done at your plan to change placement. You need a new go at it, with no crap memories to undermine you. filee's last sentence says why in a nutshell.

vicar I love a good giggle-fest grin

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Sat 10-Aug-13 09:45:00

Thanks for the welcome.
I think a fresh start does sound like a better option for now. Although if you were feeling super strong I can see the kick you could get from going back and being the most amazing member of staff they had ever seen.
Fili you sound like you have been through so much. Please be kind to yourself.
Vicar. The man cream made me laugh!! Thanks. Although to be honest it is never something I have liked the taste of.

Today there are 10+ things on my list but I MUST bake a 10" fruit cake for a customer. All else can go to pot. Sleep arrived after 2.45 this morning so am pooped.

Hope you all have a positive day x

TheSilverySoothsayer Sat 10-Aug-13 09:50:56

never you bake! Do you find it soothing, as I do, or is it different because it is work? (Have we 'met'? Do you do the Bake Off thread?)

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Sat 10-Aug-13 10:04:59

Baking and cake decoration are so good for my mental health. I can't do the decoration if I am stressed it just doesn't work out properly.
I am very lucky in that it is extra money rather than the weekly shop and I think that takes the pressure off.
I haven't really been on many threads recently as I tend to end up putting a downer on them :-(

filee777 Sat 10-Aug-13 15:02:35

Just got a letter summoning us to court for unpaid council tax sad sad bad bad news. Need to phone them on Monday

Wanders in to admire Never's turnip smile

Levers in giant pumpkin to middle of tent to impress you all

Is Vicar the judge as is traditional at the village fete ?

Looks like a very friendly community you have here flowers

More tea vicar ?

filee - sorry to hear about that troubling letter. Hope everything works out OK with that. Would a brew help at all, as I'm on giant tea urn duty ? smile Anyone else fancy a cuppa ?

TheSilverySoothsayer Sat 10-Aug-13 15:43:57

<waves to juggling>

filee nowt can be done till Monday, I assume? A nice cuppa char sounds like a good idea brew

never can judge the baking. vicar's rats will win the small furry animals section, but who will do the judging?

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Sat 10-Aug-13 15:51:10

OOh Sooth, surely you have a clear idea of the winner.. maybe we should let the crystal ball decide?
(do you have a scarf and headress like this?)

Have been shit, am still in bed, will have to bake the cake tomorrow. We have been invited out to a friends house tonight and the anxiety about going has made me hide under the covers. DH is being a star with the kids but has made it clear that we should go. (they are very lovely friends who know the issues I have)

TheSilverySoothsayer Sat 10-Aug-13 16:05:30

I have a Veil of Mystery (having looked round room and found discarded scarf on the floor). Long flowing unbrushed tempestuous grey hair, and am a few years ahead of the lady in the link grin

I've done a lot of hiding under the covers with depression (and work- and marriage- stress). Twas the only way my brain would give me some peace. I still have naps, but these days it's just cos I have a flexible sleep pattern...

filee777 Sat 10-Aug-13 16:25:59

I wish I had time for the cuppa, working morning noon and night both days of this weekend...

Welcome never and juggling you've come to a lovely supportive place.

So dead today so just a quick hello really. Took dcs into London yest - had a great day but this week has finished me off. Despite going back to bed 11-12 this morning I can still barely walk with exhaustion! Hey ho. Nice week though.

filee sorry to hear about your letter hope you can get things sorted.
never I am a huge cake fan - have been ever since having dcs! What's your favourite?

Sounds like good decision ed and great to hear about your trip vicar

Hi silvery, lem, snowy hope your days going on.

I'm flagging today.

Really shattered.

Dtd1 is baking lemon drizzle cake for judging though

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 10-Aug-13 17:39:58

tea and cake....mmmmmmm

ed i agree that its a good idea that you are asking to move placement - i found on going back to work at the same place the same issues have reared their ugly heads - its the people more than the job in my case. (or rather just 2 people to be precise) so i think it would set you back. Let us know how you get on.

fil sorry to read about the council tax - try not to panic. Phone them monday and ask if you can sort out some kind of payment plan - because that is all the court will do anyway i would imagine. Try not to worry unduly.

not sure im qualified to judge anything much tbh! There are some crafty arty people on here....they should judge.

right. am off to eat rum and raisin icecream and watch a flim....take care all till later. x

TheSilverySoothsayer Sat 10-Aug-13 18:37:32

I can certainly predict the baking winner if you'd like? Despite my great Gift, the only known method of doing this is to sample all the cakes...

As to crafts, hmm... I seem to see some sort of Woodpecker in the frame.

Fishandjam Sat 10-Aug-13 22:46:26

Having a bad attack of black dog at the moment.Please hold my hand sad

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Sat 10-Aug-13 23:55:22

F&J, no idea what black dog is but I am here I don't think we have met but I am a late night girl. <offers hand for holding>

I offer lemon drizzle or lime and coconut which ever you fancy.

I'll offer a hand too.

Very fatigued today. First day I have struggled in a while although has ended up quite positive with quite a lot of bits and pieces done.

DTD1 made 2 lemon drizzle cakes today. One has already been demolished smile

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Sun 11-Aug-13 00:17:26

2 lemon drizzles - HMM yummy I love cake!!

Dtd2 is making chocolate brownies once the lemon drizzle is all gone.

Then DD3iis making 'Dd3 surprise' when they are all gone...meaning she is going to look through the cook book.

There will be plenty of offerings on the WI cake stall...

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 11-Aug-13 01:19:24

fish - <proffers hand> anything in particular made you feel worse today? forgive me as i cant remember if, or what meds you are on...

DD makes a mean victoria sponge cake....and rather yummy choc muffins.

i took the rats up to DS bedroom for a run and promptly fell asleep, Woke up with a fat lazy boy on my pillow licking my nose! and the other two asleep at my feet).... so having a quick coffee and then off to bed proper, im so tired again lately. Tomorrow is my last day off sad and im not looking forward to going back to work....then ive got the horrible stomach tests on tuesday - weds - yuk. want that over with. Ive not been able to take my hernia meds and am suffering dreadful heartburn.

i meant to say hello to juggling earlier too....the more the merrier (except we arent always that merry but feel progress is being made!)

hope you feel better tomorrow fish
waves and general solidarity to everyone else. goodnight all. x

filee777 Sun 11-Aug-13 11:25:44

How is everyone today? LEM are you feeling any better?

SnowyMouse Sun 11-Aug-13 13:29:29

I'm still low hmm How's everyone else doing?

LEMisdisappointed Sun 11-Aug-13 13:34:41

hi everyone - feeling a little better today, frustrated at falling back really.

Filee - i have lost count of how many invitations to court we have had re council tax blush grin But all is not lost if you can call them they may well be able to stop any action (i am sure they have done for us in the past) if you offer a payment plan.

hello to juggling and never (i think i have seen you here before?) it is very supportive here and just, well, nice.

Not sure i have much to offer the competition although i do make a mean rhubarb jam i have had setting issues with the last batch.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 11-Aug-13 13:35:00

<<hugs snowy>>

SnowyMouse Sun 11-Aug-13 17:18:49

Hugs LEM, jam sounds a good plan smile Hi to everyone, old and new!

I can offer a choc sponge with choc buttercream icing...

How are you doing snowy, fish and lem hope you're hanging in there.

Ok today, knackered - that time of the month - but holding up. On hol on Wed so need to get organised!

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Sun 11-Aug-13 22:10:20

evening ladies.

Oh I love Rhubarb jam and chocolate sponge.. any fresh cream to drizzle over before scoffing?
CIQ hormones can play buggery with my mental health, where you going on hols? Hope you have a super time.
Hi LEM & Snowy, Filee and Fish Hope to day finds you with bright mood.

Been wierd here, hung out on the AIBU thread for too long last night and freaked out a couple of friends by posting about it on facebook at 3am this morning. I am in such better state than I have been. However it is hard to say to friends that I am ok.. cos I am really not. I don't want to worry them though.

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 11-Aug-13 23:08:30

im worrying over A) going back to work tomorrow and B) this bloody horrible test at hospital on Tuesday/Weds....

need to sleep as up early tomorrow. wondering if i take a zopiclone if it will make me feel worse on waking....

Evening all.

Nice day out with my neighbour & choldren.

House is a tip though as I have spent all evening doing nail art. I might have to upload a pic for your perusal grin

vicar you will be fine tomorrow. You have gone back before. Your colleagues will still be arses, but at least you know where you stand with them smile

My woes for tonight are massive increase in the amount I am drinking (soft drinks) from a typical pint, 2pints on a good day to 4-6 pints a day. I am also urinating a lot (up at least 3 times last night). Hence I am pondering diabetes. But both are listed side effects of my meds...but I have been on yhem for about 6wks with no probs. I feel like I'm constantly at drs with the depression and injuries and illnesses so need to find a pharmacy that does free tests.


<nail art uploaded>

hoochymama1 Mon 12-Aug-13 10:38:23

Oo, Ed lovely nails, can you set up a stall and do mine? Tarty red, obviously grin

filee777 Mon 12-Aug-13 10:57:44

Hello all, sorted the council tax out, for the time being anyway.

Today I am feeling okay, bit tired so might go and have a 40min snooze, I realised that (pathetically) some of my depression is actually separation anxiety from my husband which is really pathetic I know. I dropped him off to work today and I just felt myself drop. How weird is that?

Anyway I got to sleep last night without sleeping tablets And the baby slept from 7pm til 6.15am

Which is a first!

Fishandjam Mon 12-Aug-13 14:35:42

Hello all. The black dog has shrunk a bit - let's say Alsatian sized rather than Great Dane. (*Neverknowingly*, it's what I call depressive periods. If it was good enough for Churchill it is good enough for me grin.) Don't really know what triggered it, although I suspect disturbed sleep as the DCs have been a bit unsettled and we've been up and down in the night to them a lot. I'm just dreadfully tired, buzzy headed, and SO irritable. I have phases of being snappy and snarly followed by sobbing about how crap I am as a mum/wife/human being. At the bottom of it all is real terror that my parenting will be contaminated by the black dog like my mum's was to me - she is/was a longterm depressive, as was her mother before her. (Seriously rubbish family history!) Gah. This too shall pass....

What do you all reckon about my seeing this counsellor that I know vaguely on a personal level? Good idea, or would I be better with a stranger?

I can contribute homemade blackcurrant vinegar to the produce stall (yes really - had kilos of the blasted things and there's only so much jam I can eat!)

snowy, how are you feeling today?

Post tbc...

Fishandjam Mon 12-Aug-13 14:43:45


filee, glad the tax is sorted for now. Is it going to be a recurring problem, do you think? And yay for a sleeping baby! How old is he/she?

ed, could you switch to water for your drinks? And are you really thirsty or is it dry mouth caused by the meds?

Hugs to LEM, juggling, hoochy, CIQ, vicar and silvery. And thanks to all for the handholding.

SnowyMouse Mon 12-Aug-13 17:20:14

I'm sorry I don't know anything about zopiclone, vicar - I hope someone else does. I hope the test goes ok...fingers crossed for you.
NKU, I hope there's someone who you can chat to, hugs.
I didn't know that some pharmacies do blood glucose levels, I hope you get some reassurance from one Ed.
That sounds like good sleeps all around, filee
I'm glad your black dog is smaller Fish, I hope it continues to shrink. Do you think your meds might need review?
I'm still not great, but CPN was off today.

SnowyMouse Mon 12-Aug-13 17:21:54

PS looks like lloyds and asda do blood glucose checks.

SnowyMouse Mon 12-Aug-13 21:15:55

Good night all.

filee777 Mon 12-Aug-13 22:11:46

I take zopiclone and it does really make me sleep!

Having an okay sort of day, been working really hard and other than a small respite tomorrow evening, I will be working solidly until the weekend which I have off! I am not being roped into working either, phone will be off in the mornings and I will ignore all calls from work.

So looking forward to that.

Struggling a bit with fatigue in the day, just really finding it hard to keep my eyes open which of course doesn't go well with having no free time even in the evenings. In fact in the evenings I seem to perk up a bit, I am wondering whether to take them in the evening instead? Perhaps then I will be perky in the day instead of the evening!

Hi never thanks -Yes hormones can have a big impact on my mh. Interestingly this month I had almost no pmt - wonder if more exercise recently may have helped.

Off to France - 3 nights near Paris then a week on the coast. Have been really looking forward to it for months - I think for me the anticipation of a holiday is just as good as the real thing! Don't like coming back from them to specially with autumn and winter following - and I'm never do good in the winter. Hey ho.

Glad to hear youre better than you were but know what you mean about telling friends.

filee great to hear about baby's sleep. Hope you get ca good night tonight too.

fish Hugs re your worries over depression and parenting. I share the same concern - depressive mother has not helped me. Am trying not to repeat the pattern but I think re my eldest dc I may have diluted it a bit but it's definitely there re anxiety. Which is hard, but dh and I are trying to give her some good habits too.

ed good to hear about nice day out. Def c recommend switching to water or at least 50%. Lots of soft drinks with sugar or sweetener can irritate the bladder and lead to more frequent trips to loo.
Also if meds affect yr blood sugar management then would make sense to take some sugar or of diet.

snowy Hugs, hope you get a decent nights sleep.

Hi hoochy how are you doing this week?

Waves to juggling, lem, vicar, silvery and anyone I've missed.

Hi to all.

Thanks. I will be heading to llyods or asda when I can.
My friend was definitely shocked by how much I was going to the loo today (compared to my normal).

Unfirtunately I really can't swallow water - it makes me gag. I drink more squash that pop though and dont have my squash too strong. I am drinking a pint at a time.

My mouth isn't dry. If anything I am salivating a lot, my skin is very dry though

Im not worried enough to see the dr though.

I am absolutely shattered today. Had a busy few days, late nights, lots of night wees and its all taking its toll.

Hugs to others fish as long as you care about your children you and they will come through it. At one point my 12yos were cooking 3 days a week. About the onky thing I was acheiving each day was to make sure my children had food, clean clothes and somewhere safe to sleep. You will come through this.

Enjoy the holiday ciq.

I've made a mistake and told astronomy mad dtd2 about the perseid meteor shower so it looks like I'm staying until 1am


ThatVikRinA22 Mon 12-Aug-13 23:34:57

oooo i forgot about the off out now for a look. im trying to take my mind of tomorrows bluegh tests.....i have horrendous heart burn as have been off the meds now for a week.

ed a simple urine test and a blood test at the gp could tell you re the diabetes....why not just go and see eh?

ive been reading with the rats. Dudley is such a big babe....if i tap he comes running for a cuddle.

they really are such cuties.....i look over my book to see 3 little sets of pink ears and pink noses....a tap on the bed and dudders comes running. and i love their smell....i bury my nose in their fur blush

the girls came out for a run in the bathroom earlier - but 6 of them are very naughty! they drink my wine and sit on my book while im trying to read it....
the boys are laid back and lazy, easier to spend time with.

right. off to see if i can see a shooting star or two. Goodnight everyone. x

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 13-Aug-13 00:01:56

im just back to find my resolve.....i was looking back through fb messages and came across the one from my mother.....momentarily i was tempted to unblock her. Then i saw you have to wait 48 hours to reblock....ive no idea why i was tempted to unblock - curiosity i suppose more than anything.
i think i have regained sense now and didnt do it. i dont need further heartache or complications.

so im going to go and watch for meteors now. Just needed to write that down so tomorrow i can re read and shake myself....

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 13-Aug-13 00:18:11

oh and just another little feeling sorry for myself a bit moment....i went back to work today - it was tasked to work alone and it was a relief really - i got on with my jobs, i didnt stop for a break, so didnt really bump into anyone, but i think 2 colleagues have recently had get togethers.parties/bbqs - now i know i have been on leave but i got invited to neither. On the face of it i seem to get on with people though am close to no one and of course queen bee at work hates me however the feeling is mutual and there is no love lost....though i do think she is so vocal she may be turning others against me. (paranoid!! much!) I just gel with no one despite trying so hard for so long, and no ive stopped trying i feel better tbh, but there are constant digs. Today i was going to take a damaged car to be mended when my supervisor told me to leave it and take another as he had some tasks lined up for me. So i put the keys back and took the other car, to be greeted with Queen Bee shouting about whoever put the keys back....i instantly said it was me and that i was doing as asked my supervision - and that i would gladly swap my tasks for hers (mine were worse! by a long way!) but im getting these snidey digs all the sodding time now....
DH says i should just say whatever is on my mind and sod the consequences because my relationships cant actually get much worse. sad
its hard going. i get alone with everyone and the one place i long to fit in is the place i cant seem to fit in with anyone. i feel very alone. i keep myself to myself but its hard.

WetAugust Tue 13-Aug-13 00:41:01

Vic - best wishes for tomorrow later today.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 13-Aug-13 01:17:38

thanks WA im trying hard not to think about it....going to bed now as the last time i can eat tomorrow is 10am so i will get up and have good brekky.
really not looking forward to this set of tests and then im meant to be straight back to work on thursday for a court hearing....i will see how i am. ive not had a day off sick since going back in april - and nor do i want to take any time off but ive no idea what this test will leave me feeling like. DH is coming with me. i put off having any investigations due to knowing i would have tubes shoved down my scares me. id rather have anything else....even childbirth looks preferable right now.....

hoochymama1 Tue 13-Aug-13 09:59:59

Dearest Vicar, hope you are ok,and it went smoothly, see how you feel about work as your throat may be sore flowers

Hope you have a lovely holiday Ciq.

Yes, Ed I went for a diabetes test a while ago as I was worried, it was fine, just go for it.

F&J hope you are feeling better. I have the same worries, and sometimes I have only been able to do the basics for my kids, but things have got better.

Well done Filee you have such a lot on your plate, it takes time to sort out the best time to take meds-I changed times a bit, and found it made a difference.

Lots of love to Lem, Lovely Snowy , Silvery and anyone else I've forgotten grin

I went for a job interview yesterday- was sick with fear- will hear on Thursday, its part time but 45 mins away hmm

Today, it's pottering, and swimming. Trying hard to have a structure to the days, but tempting to just curl up and hibernate smile

Hope everyone has a lovely day today grin

Fishandjam Tue 13-Aug-13 10:17:01

vicar, good luck for today. I hope it isn't as bad as you're fearing. Your work situation does sound very draining and miserabling (new word I've invented). I guess the only thing you can do is ignore, ignore, ignore? I love the sound of your ratty cuddles. I'd like a fancy rat or two but unfortunately my cats would see them as a tasty smorgasbord. (They already catch brown rats out by the farmyard, huge ones sometimes.)

ed, I hope you managed to get some sleep! My colleague was out watching the meteors until 3.30am - she is now looking somewhat weary grin

hoochy, I'm not sure whether to say good luck on the job interview or not? I work part-time with a commute of between 45 and 60 minutes (to do 17 miles, gah), and as it's a really good quality job (well paid, excellent benefits, reasonably understanding boss) I'm willing to swallow the travelling annoyance. So I suppose it depends on whether the job itself makes you willing to do the travelling.

CIQ I am so envy about your holiday. Fingers crossed the weather stays OK.

snowy, I'm sorry you're not so good at the moment. Sending you a hug.

We were in bed by 1am. Saw a few.

I had a reasonable nights sleep. Pretty good apart from my bladder.

Dd3 woke me about 9am but omg I am so tired. I have been communicating with her in grunts for the last hour (I'm still in bed). I have only just opened my eyes.

LEMisdisappointed Tue 13-Aug-13 10:43:35

Ed - you say you are drinking mostly pop and squash (that sounds like a dance!) it could be the sugar in those drinks that are making you thirstier

Just a quick hello - my black dog has me by the throat

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Tue 13-Aug-13 11:06:34

I am sorry that things are hard for you LEM & Snowy, <offers hand>
It can and will improve. keep talking if you can. is there anything that can help? getting out for a walk? cuppa and a chat with friends? brew

Vic, how are things for you today? it does sound like you have alot on your plate at the moment good luck for tomorrow

I managed to sleep last night for the first time in a week.. it feels AMAZING 11-7
Apologies if I have missed anyone. Much love and support to all, lots to do today still haven't made the cake! am now at mission critical with it so HAVE to do it today.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 13-Aug-13 11:15:15

ive scared myself. i phoned the GI dept at hospital and talked to one of the team who does the test.
i wanted to know if i had to have it done before i see a surgeon - short answer is 'yes'.
i am so scared. He mentioned something about feeling like i wont be able to breathe....while assuring me that i can. sad
oh blimey.
i got up in order to eat a breakfast at 10am - the last time i can eat before the test - but i couldnt stomach anything much and ended up with cereal and a cuppa.
now i have raging heartburn and a churny stomach. Am going to go and have a shower soon and try to get ready - cant shower until tomorrow when the tube comes back out.

i really hate anything like this. im worrying. i even dreamt about it last night.

SnowyMouse Tue 13-Aug-13 11:23:30

Good luck vicar Are you able to have sedation for the test?

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 13-Aug-13 11:36:54

no apparently not. you need to be sat upright and fully alert. sad

hugs lem and vicar
walking through treacle and haven't started packing yet.
Have written a list..

Thanks to all for the waves, hugs, and welcomes, all much appreciated.
I posted on LEM's thread the other day over in AIBU "to tell you I have a mental illness" and found it quite helpful to put down what I feel has been going on with me for a long time - basically a background low level depression (dysthymia ?) which gets worse at times when things are more stressful. And behind that an attention deficit tendency which makes it hard to prioritise actions and get things done.
Found things especially difficult when both DC were little - so many demands from two very dependent little people - and 24/7 - I'm sure you'll understand dear reader !
Still finding the school holidays more difficult than the helpful routine of term time, even though it has it's lovely moments - had a lovely day on the beach in Norfolk at the weekend.
After posting on LEM's thread I managed to talk with DH about my feelings, and he seemed to understand a little, though he doesn't find it easy to be sympathetic to MH matters.
So, thanks especially to LEM, and to vicar for this thread too. I think I need to acknowledge this aspect of my life more, and hope that others will then do so too, and perhaps offer a little more support and understanding.
And be more mindful in thinking of strategies to keep my MH as good as it can be.
I think the summer holidays can be challenging in terms of having less social contact as well. Must try to catch up with some friends in RL as well, but thanks for being here too.

Oh and thinking of you with that packing Queen - and hoping the treacle isn't being too sticky ! Keep thinking about where you'll be going and how nice it will be when you get there ?

Hope the test goes as well as it can for you Vicar.
Thinking of you thanks

filee777 Tue 13-Aug-13 14:36:49

Hi all, vicar will be thinking of you, hopefully it won't be as bad as you think!

Today I dry-necked my ad and ended up with it burning my throat while I tried to give someone a shower which was really, really hard!

I want to do something really nice for my husband tonight, he has really been amazing the last few weeks with the housework and stuff. I think a cold beer and special dinner for him tonight.

I have a meeting with the doctor on Monday but I need some more ad's before then.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 13-Aug-13 15:33:35

it was absolutely fucking awful and i was sick as a dog with it. I am now struggling very much with the tube thats left in - its making me gag on every swallow and i dont think i can eat anything. my nose is stinging and i cant move or speak.
ill need a zopiclone to sleep tonight.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 13-Aug-13 15:40:16

and i cant speak - every time i try i can feel the tube tugging away in my throat and it makes me heave.....
this is so not fun.
and ive left my bloody book there. And on the way there on the motorway a family of ducklings and mumma duck were trying to cross the road - on a busy motorway. The inevitable happened so i wanted to cry before i even got there.

roll on tomorrow. ive no idea how im going to get through the next 24 hours like this.

Oh Vicar, it sounds horrible, poor you sad

What did you have done ?
(I'm wondering if I'll end up having to have some sort of tube investigation of my stomach - but hoping some kind of tablets will do for the foreseeable future)
What's going on for you ?

Poor little ducklings too, that's very sad

Can you find another good book to read ?

SnowyMouse Tue 13-Aug-13 16:38:54

Thinking of you Vicar I used to have a feeding tube through my nose, so I empathise, it's a horrible feeling!

LEMisdisappointed Tue 13-Aug-13 16:46:39

Vicar, it sounds pants sad But it will be worth it, try to hold on to that you are anotehr step towards feeling better and that this time tomorrow it will be over?

I'm finding this week hard, DP was supposed to be having the week off, then it shortene to having to work yesterday and today, to now not having any time off at all sad I'm struggling to keep DD entertained and haven't seen anybody apart from my mum who is driving me nuts.

Sorry for not replying to anyone, feeling bad

hugs vicar sounds awful. Hope you've got some good tv/dvds/books you can distract with a bit.

juggling thanks for the thoughts. Treacle is deadly today and packing is proving to be a very steep uphill struggle. I think I'm about one third done, and knackered. I am taking your advice tho and packing a summer dress to wear sightseeing Paris on Thurs so hopefully look more parisienne than brit tourist wink

Thanks for sharing more about you. I saw some similarities too - looking back was depressed last year but mostly mildly. Also have 2 dcs so know what you mean about parenting and hols... ours are proving nice, but so exhausting. Are you on meds for your stomach too? I've been on omeprazole since last Sept - gastritis caused by anxiety...

lem hugs. Do you know/want to share what's brought you down? Take care.

If anyone's interested I'm reading this book on Mindfulness and I think it is helping a bit. At the very least to focus on the present. And to see thoughts as just that, thoughts, not real like events and they pass and you don't have to get too sucked in if that makes sense.

take care all. Off to find biscuits... x

KayHarker Tue 13-Aug-13 16:55:34

Hi everyone - I'm trying to come off some pretty serious meds atm and thought I'd pop in for some moral support. It's going well so far. I'm being driven up the wall by on-holiday children but that's to be expected!

Thanks Queen, at least you've made a start with the packing which I always find the hardest bit of anything well, that and finishing wink

And you're feeling a bit inspired about strolling along the Sienne ?!
I'd love to go, especially to some art galleries with dd
- but haven't made it there with her just yet.

I do have some tabs for my dodgy stomach but have run out.
Need to make various medical appts for me and the DC but haven't got round to any of them yet confused - confuddled face

Well done with the meds Kay - and sympathies with the holiday DC !

SnowyMouse Tue 13-Aug-13 17:15:19

Welcome KH What are you coming off?
Sorry you're having a rough wek LEM, sometimes a magic wand would be helpful.
Enjoy the trip, CIQ
I'm going to get my antidepressant changed tomorrow hmm

KayHarker Tue 13-Aug-13 17:22:55

I'm Bipolar and I'm coming off olanzapine. Got a bit cheesed off with the side effects and the professionals continually telling me they're just something I have to live with. It's been about 3 years now at 20mg and I'm a zombie with constant drowsiness, without going into all the other unpleasant effects. smile

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 13-Aug-13 18:29:18

arrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! i hate this. i rang the GI team at the hospital to ask what happens if i cant do it but they said it would need to repeated so i am gritting my teeth and trying my best to get on with it but its bloody hard.
also he said i have to continue to act as i normally would, doing normal activities and eat normally or the study wont show an accurate my planned soup has gone out of the window and i struggled with a bit of solid food but i am hugely struggling with this. The gi team have said if i go back earlier than planned tomorrow they will take the tube out. its stinging my nose still terribly and when i swallow it pulls and tugs. I can cope with most things but this is just horrible. im feeling very very sorry for myself right now.

ive tried to keep up with normal things and walked the dog and even nipped to the supermarket but i got stared at.....not bloody suprised.

SnowyMouse Tue 13-Aug-13 18:31:56

Keep at it vicar - you can do it!

KayHarker Tue 13-Aug-13 18:57:17

Sounds flippin miserable vicar Unmumsnetty hugs to you.

hoochymama1 Tue 13-Aug-13 19:16:55

((( Vicar )))

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 13-Aug-13 19:44:12

i have never done anything so vile as this test - i am getting a little panic stricken - i hate the feel of this tube in my throat. i am going to try and relax and read a magazine (i dont normally buy them but have for tonight to try and occupy my mind since i left my book at the GI clinic [grr] am going to try and have a cup of tea.
ive had low level heart burn pain the whole time this thing has been in so i dont quite know when to push the pain button on the monitor....its the stinging nose and the gaggy feeling i cant cope with, every time i swallow the tube pulls so i feel the stinging in my nose and the tube in my throat. someone has to come up with a better test than this....its vile.

im being such a wuss. sad

SnowyMouse Tue 13-Aug-13 19:55:06

Hugs vicar take it an hour at a time, you'cw already managed however many hours of the total.

LEMisdisappointed Tue 13-Aug-13 20:02:47

What are they looking for vicar? You are doing brilliantly just tonight to get through and you have zopiclone (wonder drug) can you watch some shit tv then take two? What time is your appt?

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 13-Aug-13 20:03:47

the GI man took pity on me and instead of going back tomorrow afternoon i can go back in the morning at 10.

i am very grateful - this is the poor man i puked on (he blithely told me no one needs the top hat bowl - then i promptly chucked up about 4 times while he was trying to get the big tube in for the pressure test.... sorry for the TMI) he did say this is why you cant eat or drink for 4 hours befoe the test so i cant be the only one who upchucked....

i dont ever want to repeat this test. i had natural childbirth and coped better with that....

im whinging. i know i am but i cant whinge at anyone else because i cant bloody talk....

ive had it in since counting the hours until 10 in the morning. i have to go pick up DD at 10 from her boyfriends but then im taking a zopiclone to knock me out for the night (i hope)

i want to go and lay with the ratties but im scared they will bite through the tube and then id have to do it again....(never ever ever doing this again unless i am knocked out.....)

i hope to god the surgeon says yes to the surgery because this is totally and utterly pants.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 13-Aug-13 20:10:31

lem ive had an oesophageal mamometry and ph test - well ive had the mamometry test (pressure test - involves whacking huge tube shoved up nose and down throat, then swallowing water, then eating bread....) and am now in the throes of the ph test (involves smaller tube shoved up nose and into stomach to record acid levels in stomach - stays in for 24 hours and is attached to a monitor that you push buttons on when you eat, drink, cough, have pain and lay down....) Its got to be done before the surgeon will see me with a view to having the fundoplication surgery that would stop acid refluxing into my throat and that causes my cough and chest infections....)

but i have to say this is exactly WHY ive left it for 16 years to get treated....up until a few years ago the meds (albeit copious amounts of them) stopped the worst of the symptoms. Ive had a camera down which showed a hernia, so that coupled with faulty valves in the throat is why i have such trouble.....

but no one warned me about this test....the consultant made it sound oh so easy....
shame it wasnt him i chucked up on!

LEMisdisappointed Tue 13-Aug-13 20:10:43

My cat is sad because vicar is sad Simon's cat on the other hand is fairly happy and good for distraction therapy x

SnowyMouse Tue 13-Aug-13 20:11:17

I remember getting dry retching when I had a feeding tube, likewise with endoscopy. I know it's not the same, but it is very, very hard to begin with.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 13-Aug-13 20:19:24

oh snowy i think its probably the same feeling - the tube is up my nose and taped to my face - its much smaller than the first tube they use for the pressure readings but its still bleeding horrible, i would imagine its pretty much the same as a feeding tube sad i have no idea how you coped with that. You are a very brave lady, i dont think i can do this again.

i had an endoscopy but it lasted all of 30 seconds - and i had heeby jeebies at the thought of that - this 24 hour lark is taking the piss...

SnowyMouse Tue 13-Aug-13 21:04:05

I hope they get all the info they need, it must be horrible for you.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 13-Aug-13 21:29:25

im being a proper baby about it all and im cross with myself for it but im finding it incredibly difficult.

if this doesnt result in the surgeon giving me the ok for the surgery i will cry.

vicar initiating countdown... really hope the zoplicone does the trick.

Hi kay welcome. Good luck with the meds.

lem cross posted by 20 secs! Hols are hard work with dc. V disappointing re dh taking time off. Any chance you can plan something nice for you at the weekend?

Sorry posted on page 3... vicar really hope your surgeon gets the info he needs to get you sorted.

snowy hope your change of ads helps.

Hi everyone else. Finally sat down. Thanks for support. Have got it done but head is splitting and feeling awful so really hope I get a good sleep.

Take care x

Hope you sleep well Vicar and then can just go in and have it all over with in the morning.

Glad you're all packed and ready to go Queen

hoochymama1 Wed 14-Aug-13 08:33:11

Hope you managed to sleep a bit Vicar, so glad you can go in at 10. Not long now, you brave girl.

Snowy hope all goes well with a/d's. And Ciq, safe journey and a lovely time.

Lots of love to all of you today. Love and hugs to anyone needing themsmile

Nice day today, trying to take ds 2's mind off A level results tomorrow by going to a film today. Just put a wash on, might chance it on the line later.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Wed 14-Aug-13 08:59:10

Good morning all,
I had a brilliant sleep thanks to zopiclone from the doctors. Going to see my best friend for the day so am feeling quite optomistic.
Great appointment with my doctor yesterday did some of the talking that I can't do with my friends.
I hope that everyone has slept well, Vicar I will be thinking of you today x

LEMisdisappointed Wed 14-Aug-13 09:33:51

Thinking of you Vicar - nearly done!! hope all goes well x

filee777 Wed 14-Aug-13 09:46:14

Glad you had a good sleep never

I always have my z's to fall back on if I can't sleep too!

Thinking of you today vicar what time are you going in?

KayHarker Wed 14-Aug-13 10:07:52

Insomnia beginning to take hold here, so I'm a zopiclone girl too.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 14-Aug-13 10:33:19

I find the sleep i have on zopi's to be a bit weird - anyone else? sort of like you shut your eyes and open them 5 hours later, refreshed but a bit like that scene in father ted where dougal thinks its morning two seconds after ted turns the light back on because he forget to set the alarm.

I am not doing well at all sad Failing to see the point of "me" at the moment.

KayHarker Wed 14-Aug-13 10:43:33

LEM I know what you mean about the z sleep. I feel like I close my eyes, have a really weird dream and then I'm awake again.

Sorry to hear you're not doing well. Keep going. I'm talking to myself too smile

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 14-Aug-13 11:36:05

hi all - thank you all for allowing me my whinging last night and for being so supportive thanks

i went back in this morning and had the tube removed (thank fuck for that!) and the diagnosis has been confirmed. They score the reflux with a normal score being 15 or under. Mine was 41, confirming that i have a weakened valve which combined with the hernia is causing problems - GI blokey says i tick all the boxes now for surgery so hopefully will get sorted properly now. He is sending the info back to my consultant.

i slept eventually by knocking myself out with Zopiclone. I have a sore throat now and am in quite a bit of pain with heartburn but i can start the meds again now.

SnowyMouse Wed 14-Aug-13 13:03:38

Vicar I'm so happy that they got enough results without you having to tolerate the tube and no meds for any longer!

Your heartburn must be bad sad

You should treat yourself for getting through the tests.

I wasted a morning. I was told I'd need to see the GP to switch meds, after going in an hour late, they said a prescription had been issued a week ago, and was waiting behind the desk, would have been nice to know hmm

Anyone tried mirtazapine?

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 14-Aug-13 13:20:47

thats so annoying snowy youd have thought they would have phoned you to let you know.

Not tried that one personally but i think a few on here have....hope they can help.

KayHarker Wed 14-Aug-13 14:59:15

Taking some deep breaths here. Reduced dose doesn't seem to have helped with the daytime doziness and I have a house full of children driving me batty. Need a break and it just ain't happening today, dh won't be home until 8pm. Really want to cope with this.

Can you get out anywhere with the DC Kay ?

We've just been out to the park for a bit, and going out somewhere is always something I try to do - hope your afternoon passes peacefully.
Or sometimes I just send the DC out on their own !
(They are old enough now smile)

KayHarker Wed 14-Aug-13 15:45:20

piddling it down outside. Might do a small park tomorrow after the shopping comes. Hey I've just thought - that's my achievement for the day, I did an online shop with energetic children racing round me. Even washed and dried some towels. It's ok. I'm ok. I will beat this.

filee777 Wed 14-Aug-13 16:01:37

I know what you mean about the different sleep on zopiclone zem but it does mean I sleep when I would otherwise be lying awake in a sea of anxiety.

My anxiety seems to be improving by the day, which is really refreshing. I need to sort my weight out because I am having trouble withy hip now smile

Achievement of the day sounds good Kay smile - I think mine was probably getting out to the park, but sounds like we've got better weather than you - perhaps it will come your way for tomorrow.

It doesn't seem much does it, but it all helps you feel you've done something

KayHarker Wed 14-Aug-13 17:01:21

Just had a nice phonecall from Dh who reassured me I'd done quite enough to have had a 'good day' and I should just chill out for a bit. Not that I need his permission, of course, but it was nice to have the validation.

He sounds lovely Kay - you're lucky there I think !

hoochymama1 Wed 14-Aug-13 17:11:08

Well done vicar flowers

That must have been well annoying snowy but at least you got them. I've found this a useful site for information, it's been accurate about sertraline anyway.

and quite funny.

((( Lem )))

Much love to Juggling and Filee, Kay and Never grin Day at a time.

Feel a bit low, but the film was funny. Alan Partridge, all dh's family are from Norwich so we just fell about laughing, which did me good..

SnowyMouse Wed 14-Aug-13 17:20:03

Thanks for the website, looks interesting hoochy
I'm verging on a 1-2 for mood, can't do much as CPN is ill, and psychiatrist is on leave. hmm

I'm glad the film was good hoochy.

How's everyone else doing?

mamakoukla Wed 14-Aug-13 20:15:21

Hugs to all. Vicar, hope that reflux gets sorted soon now. Horrible tests. Hope the medication settles in well Snowy.

We went camping as a family for the first time. It was so good to be outside hearing the wind in the trees and just immersing myself into a place where there was little distraction apart from enjoying the being there if that makes sense. There was one beautiful evening sky.... the stars seemed to be floating pinpoints of light bobbing in a sea of darkness. It has made me realise how much being outside makes me feel better. Now I have to work on kicking myself out of the front door!

A few treacly days but I do find once start doing things my mood lifts incredibly. How do people best motivate themselves?

LEMisdisappointed Wed 14-Aug-13 21:09:25

Vicar - that is good news re the surgery and bloody well done for getting through it.

I feel really guilty i seem to be losing track of the thread, its not deliberate, i have been so erratic over the past few weeks - i made a cup of tea this morning, its still on the side in the kitchen with the teabag in it hmm I do this when im anxious, start one thing, get distracted with something i absoultely HAVE to do right this minute, strt that, get distracted,,,,,,,,,,,,,,achieve bugger all. Although i did manage to mow and strim the lawn (after doing poo patrol) and then DP came home early (wahoo) and we managed to get to broadstairs folk week which was fun, if not a little weird! I will try and read back over the thread, but wanted to say hi to all the new faces and returning residents.

Hugs to hoochy, neverknowingly, CiQ, Ed, Vicar, Snowy, SPC, Filee and anyone else who i have missed.

My washing is still on the line grin

LEMisdisappointed Wed 14-Aug-13 21:10:28

mama - the camping sounds fab, my DP is desperate for a caravan, we would also like to camp but DD wont have it!

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 15-Aug-13 00:41:38

the camping does indeed sound wonderful, i have been woeful at getting out and about lately - not even been to stables for over a month sad but text yesterday to try and explain why....not had a reply yet though so hoping my lovely riding instructor isnt cross with me....

i went out to try and watch for the meteors the other night - the sky at night is truly amazing.

i am being crap at keeping up with folk on here too - was wallowing a bit in my own misery lately....the tests and all that.

ive just been out to my food recycling bin to find it literally crawling with maggots - the path is moving with them. sad

im itching and im so glad this didnt happen yesterday while the tube was in.....

mamakoukla Thu 15-Aug-13 00:58:11

LEM, when anxiety overtook me I would sometimes mentally slow myself down or make myself return to something. An ordered list helps me keep on track and gives me the double satisfaction of crossing it out. Although on a treacle day like today the fact that motivating myself to start anything is nigh on impossible. The list sits there and then I feel guilty so I try to balance list using and interpreting my progress (part of the being gentle with myself). Glad your DH came home early and you went out to have a nice time. Camping - for many years DH would not go so this meant a lot to me. Brownie points for him smile

Vicar, that's true we haven't heard much stable chat lately. Could you drop by for a chat rather than a text?

On the plus side - did laundry and all of the camping stuff is aired and tidied away, I cleaned up the kitchen and finished a book. I need to motivate myself to get out more though. Bit of a recluse (I like quiet on the best of days) but getting out does help me feel happier smile

Nighty night to all. Good wishes and hugs for tomorrow xxx

mamakoukla Thu 15-Aug-13 01:00:32

PS night sky is amazing and one of my regrets of large town life. I love to sit back and just feel immersed in it. I can relax by feeling suspended in the whole of the universe. I know sounds a bit odd but it is the best I can write it as at the mo.

SnowyMouse Thu 15-Aug-13 13:00:13

I hope your riding instructor friend is understanding, vicar. Yuck re: maggots sad hmm Sounds like you got a lot done, mamakoukla

I'm having a really low patch, a 1 or 2 out of 10 sad hmm CPN is ill and psychiatrist is on leave.

KayHarker Thu 15-Aug-13 13:15:03

Yeah, we had maggots in the bin last week - two weeks before it was due for emptying and collecting for a clean. Grim.

Today I am mostly pleased I had help to put the shopping away. I moan about them, but my kids really do have their moments.

I'm mithering about my medication reduction. I'm worried that if I don't get 'permission' from the consultant and carry on, they'll take my kids from me. It's just such an irrational fear really, but it's keeping me awake at night.

SnowyMouse Thu 15-Aug-13 13:37:32

Can you challenge your fears? Evidence for and against, etc?

I think we all have a basic right to choose whether or not to accept any prescription or treatment don't we Kay ? Perhaps you could talk it over with your consultant or GP for reassurance - I expect they'd be pleased for you that you're doing so well ?

mamakoukla Thu 15-Aug-13 15:18:12

Snowy sending you a hug and hang on there. Are they due back soon? Is there any other useful service you can access as a stop gap?

Kay are there any different medications that could be tried? I honestly don't know much about medication etc so just a suggestion. Can the consultant come up with any ideas on how to help you with the side effects, or any nurses? Snowy's suggestion of rationalising your arguments to help you address your fears and also understand them sounds good.

Vicar is there a local dump you could take the waste to e.g. rebag and clean the bin out? Two weeks is grim. Ours is done a weekly basis; the dry recyclables and non-rescyclables on an alternating two week rota.

SnowyMouse Thu 15-Aug-13 16:46:15

Thanks mamakoukla I'm not sure when CPN is back, there isn't really anyone else (can't get in contact with crisis team unless you've been referred, and I don't generally find them helpful).

SnowyMouse Thu 15-Aug-13 17:19:02

Here's some village made cake

mamakoukla Thu 15-Aug-13 17:43:39

offers brew in return


I'm here for a whinge and 'release'. To verbalise my day in safe surroundings.

Feeling a bit......something...tonight.

Wemt to sleep 3.30am last night with pounding headache.
Up at 9am.
90min drive. Crap roads. Obviously very tired.
Pleasant day out, but finished with...
-A drive past the house where I was abused on a weekly basis. I have been there since (I grew up there) and have visited loads of times. But my mum moved out of that house several years ago and I haven't been back since and just seemed to touch a nerve more than it ever has before.
-We were looking at old photos. Some included my ex and us having a good time when we were younger. Many also included photos of my abuser. I don't keep photos of him in my house. I have about 2 photos with him in the background. This also lead to lots of Qs from DC. Who is he etc. They have met him a handful of times as a baby but don't remember him. He is dead now and as far as DCs are concerned I don't acknowledge that he ever existed and he was certainly never part of their lives.

Another crap 90min drive home.
My head is pounding (waiting for ibuprofen to kick in). My shoulders are agony from so much driving, walking round most of the day, and tension.
I am so tired but don't think I can shut off. Need to do somd reading for a bit to put some distance between my bad day and sleep.

Just needed a vent. Hugs to all.

Oh and the dc spent the whole time arguing in the car

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 16-Aug-13 02:53:12

ed that is hard going - and i can relate to so much too. Sometimes my past abuse still creeps up and grabs me. Similarly my abuser is dead too, and i have made a point of not going backwards in any way shape or form - and that includes going anywhere near the places it happened.

i found counselling enormously helpful regarding my past, but only because i found the right counsellor.

weirdly i also felt tempted backwards a bit the other night - i have not had any contact with my mother for 14 years now, nor my brother who i tried contact with 18 months ago now but it went horribly wrong - in no small part due to him being a drug addict (he was on heroin for 10 years) yet i felt compelled to go back and read the messages they sent me just 18 months ago.....for one moment i was tempted to unblock them from facebook and have a nosey....then common sense prevailed.

my abuser is unfortunately a blight on my wedding photos, but similarly i do not have any other pictures with him on them.

i can relate to such a lot of what you are feeling. And to make matters just a bit worse the house where i grew up for the first few year and was very happy has been renovated and is on the rental market....part of me wants to go and view it, but part of me holds those memories of being there very dear and im not sure i want to see the same house as its been hugely altered - it was in my family for 3 generations. sad and i was desperate to buy it but practicalities meant it just wasnt sensible. (plus after renovation it was well out of my price range....)

ed i think we need to allow ourselves a bit of a - wallow?? every now and long as its temporary and as long as we maintain perspective and keep one eye on how very different our lives are now - that we are adults that have survived and made a choice to live our lives very differently - and i think thats a triumph. I find i spend less and less time thinking about the past - i put that down to having "rewind" therapy which is fantastic - cant recommend it highly enough. One 20 min session really helped me - it enables you to remember the past but without the emotional response you associated with it. I can now recall the abuse i suffered but not get upset about it. I found it a huge release to be able to recall things, but view them in a much more detached way. Its healing. Is rewind something you feel could benefit you? My counsellor sees private patients although i found her through occy health at work.....i dont think she is based a million miles from you either. I had about 8 sessions but just one session of the "rewind"....

filee777 Fri 16-Aug-13 07:51:45

Had a really weird dream last night about aliens and stuff, also had a dream about contacting the boy friend of my old best friend and telling him we were going to this party in a couple of weekends and him being a bit surprised at that. It's actually really put me off going, I don't think I can handle the pressure of it all, I don't know if I want to see anyone but I think that is such a shame for the kids and for DH because they would have a ball. It's just my illness throwing a spanner in the works again, I have made it impossible for us to go.

So a bit sad today but firm in my understanding that I will never have friends again, they just hurt me and if I had not have had such a close friendship with that person, we could still have gone and enjoyed the event.

Thanks vicar

It's wierd because as a child and at the time I didn't see ir feel what happened was wrong or bad. I knew it was 'naughty' and a secret but I wasn't at the time hurt physically or emotionally. It is only as a growing teen and adult that I feel hurt and only because I have since learnt how bafd it was. I think that seeing my feelings about it at the time as neutral at worst kind of hurts me more if that makes sense. And it is almost as if the only reason I feel so 'bitter' about it now is because culture tells me to feel bitter.

Anyway. It is something I don't think about day to day. I have no need to go back there ordinarily. My mum just needed a lift to an old neighbours. I was surprised at how it hit me. I thi