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intrusive thoughts? somethings gone in my head today

(101 Posts)
holstenlips Wed 10-Jul-13 21:35:44

Been under pressure general life and work stuff for weeks
Slowly building up and last few days im really struggling
Took yesterday off work. Went in today and spent most of it crying at my desk. At points today nearly walked out of work. I called gp but no appts.
I have thoughts popping in my head . Suicidal / self harm thoughts. Im scared I will act on them. Dont think I will but at times they seem overwhelming.
Distraction (with work or listening to music for example) helps a bit. Kids have kept me busy this evening.
Part of me wants help. Part of me wants to lose the plot.
Intrusive thoughts ? Where are these from?

StickEmUp Wed 10-Jul-13 22:02:25

Hello,

Try the GP again, it does sound like talking to a Dr would be a good idea.

Listen to the part that wants to help.

Me, lose the plot, I never had it! No one does.
We can only do our best with the hand we are dealt.

I am sure you do this.

Kids kept you busy! See, something is going very right smile.

holstenlips Wed 10-Jul-13 22:05:13

Thanks Stickem. My kids are wonderful.

StickEmUp Wed 10-Jul-13 22:10:59

See! So, how about trying the docs again tomorrow.
What do they say, about no appts? you'll have to wait a bit, right?

So, make it then try and get through the work day as best you can.
I know how you feel, I'm an alcoholic and that brings it's issues.
I'm sober.

It can feel spiralling out of control but take as much as you can til the appt and tell the doc all about it.

I've had councelling twice in my life, it did help, maybe that would be an option.

Is there anyone else you can confide in til then, as well?

Also, keep posting here too.
I'm going to bed in a bit but I'll come back.

x

holstenlips Wed 10-Jul-13 22:15:36

Thank you I really appreciate it . Doc said call tomorrow and they will try fit me in .
Trouble is working full time and hard to get out.
I just feel like a waste of space tonight but no thoughts like I had earlier. Was thinking of jumping out the window at work how ridiculous.
Luckily ive exhausted myself today with these thoughts so I shall go to bed x

StickEmUp Wed 10-Jul-13 22:21:20

Not ridiculous. It's normal in the mental health world.

Also, you are NOT a waste of space.
I'm not infertile per se but conceiving is hard for me.

I believe every human who is born is meant for the world and not a waste.
It's about what we do with it, how we react to things and trying to give something back as well as take.

Your a mother, you already do this in a profound way.
I truly believe this. It's my way of thinking, not everyones.

decaffwithcream Wed 10-Jul-13 22:25:12

If you feel the need to be seen more urgently its always an option to go to A and E and tell them you are having suicidal thoughts.

They are used to that.

Or the Samaritans are good even just for a non- judgemental listening ear

HoopHopes Wed 10-Jul-13 23:14:09

If you can't see a gp and it is urgent just phone the out of hours number after your gp practise closes. Much better than a&e and you get a booked time slot instead of wasting 4 hours waiting to see a nurse etc at a&e.

holstenlips Wed 10-Jul-13 23:16:34

Thank you all. My head hurts so much im going to try to sleep. I feel quite scared. But I wont do anything bad tonight. See how I feel in the morning have googled some stuff on mind website.

holstenlips Wed 10-Jul-13 23:19:51

Feel utterly disgusting . I hope I can get dressed and out tomorrow it was a job this morning. You are all so kind. Thank you.

holstenlips Thu 11-Jul-13 12:38:11

In work . Crying again. Wishing I was dead. How do I get through this ? I cant leave my kids I know that.

StickEmUp Thu 11-Jul-13 12:44:25

Hi again

You will get through this, but I will say at my low point I was told by the doctor that you can phone in sick with mental health issues, all that needs to be said is I feel tearful and unable to work.

Is there HR you can talk to?

Did you try the docs again?
I'm working too will try to drop in later.

Your saying this out loud, yes on here but better than in your head.

The part which wants help is stronger.

How long has this been going on for you?
Can you pin point a time when it got worse, and see what's going on for you then?

These things a doc will ask I imagine.
I hope you get that appt.

holstenlips Thu 11-Jul-13 14:38:59

Ive told my boss in an email and gone home. Will see doc in morning and go from there. Thank you for replying.

StickEmUp Thu 11-Jul-13 15:04:10

Well done. Sometimes trying to hold it all up while your feeling bad makes it worse.
Sometimes we do need to be open and ask for what we need.

Good for you. These are the first steps, it doesn't feel like it now but you'll see soon.

Good luck for tomorrow.

holstenlips Sun 14-Jul-13 11:31:05

Just to update. Took friday off saw doctor in the after noon by which time I had a meltdown .
In public.
Anyway gp very nice. Has referred me to mental health team. And given me some mood stabilisers for the meantime signed off work.
Thank you

SnowyMouse Sun 14-Jul-13 11:47:24

I'm glad you're getting the support you need.

holstenlips Sun 14-Jul-13 12:05:16

Thanks snowy

holstenlips Sun 14-Jul-13 12:07:34

I feel like I dont belong in my body / dont recognise myself/ am invisible . Is this normal? Ive also lost my confidence. Cant be around people except my kids and dp.
What if I never get it back?

MrsFTHC Tue 16-Jul-13 08:04:41

Hi, you will get it back, please try not to worry. Have yougot an appointment with the mental health team already or are you waiting for them to contact you?

holstenlips Tue 16-Jul-13 09:15:29

Hi Mrs thank you for responding. Yes my gp said she wants me to be seen by a week or so . Im waiting for them to call. I feel a shadow of my former self.
Im taking lamotrigine which gp prescribed.
I have good and bad parts of the day. Mid morning is the worst. Im signed off work for 2 weeks but feel maybe im making this all up and should go to work - that sounds crazy doesnt it.
I wish I knew who I was but I dont. Feel like ive been living someone elses life for 20 years.

holstenlips Fri 19-Jul-13 10:45:16

Still havent been contacted by m/h team. Have decided that I want to change my job its too stressful .

StickEmUp Fri 19-Jul-13 15:05:39

I'm back, hello.

Glad you updated I was worried.

This will take some time to happen for you, look what you have so far!! GP, MH team, some meds for you.

Be proud of these first few steps!!
I'm proud of you anyway grin

Chase up the GP on mental health team.

Give the surgery a call now?

holstenlips Fri 19-Jul-13 15:21:17

Hi so nice of you to come back
Called gp they said its def been referred as urgent so I will just need to wait for a call
Im off work anyway, signed off and couldnt go in if I tried. Wouldnt last 5 mins. In fact I think I need to change my job. (Eventually)
Thank you so much x

StickEmUp Fri 19-Jul-13 17:54:23

If I were you I wouldn't worry about the job stuff. You've been signed off so it's not a problem. For now.

Glad you had the strength to chase the MHT up. It's reassuring to know your still on the list, even though it takes some time.

This is the first stage in the process, opening up to the GP.

Which is a miracle in itself! You've done it!! 'this is me, I need help'. The scary bit over.

Now you can take some time for yourself. You never know what will be around the corner, no one does.

But opening up to help I feel the major bit, and it's done.

What are you up to in the mean time?

As well as making sure your safe, I find it helps to get out of yourself somehow.

Can you take a walk with the kids, or chill in the garden while they dig for worms?

I'm not a mother so I might be barking up the wrong tree here (don't laugh smile) but I find doing something nice and easy with others helps.

Self esteem grows by doing esteemable things.
Xx

holstenlips Sat 20-Jul-13 10:38:25

Got a letter from mental health team. Appt for end of august. How the hell am I going to continue til then
My kids want to go swimming but I cant get out of the house

buildingmycorestrength Sat 20-Jul-13 11:53:23

You could call and ask for an earlier appt or to be put on a cancellation list. Also go back to GP to check meds are right level. Well done coming back here to get support. You are going through a very hard time.

holstenlips Sat 20-Jul-13 15:16:50

I will go back to gp I think . It took me 6 hours but I got out of house for an hour with my daughter.
Need to sleep now shattered.
I do wonder how people are supposed to get through if an urgent appt is a month away.

Hi OP. I felt a bit like you two years ago. I had an awful, bullying boss who was grinding me down and my DH didn't know how to help me deal with my anxiety and stress. One day he made a flippant remark about pulling myself together and I just kind of snapped.
I drove to my mums and collapsed, the only way I can describe it was that my thoughts were just rushing round my head without me being able to control them or stop them.
I too couldn't be around other people except my immediate family. I managed to go back to work but would take a Valium as soon as I got home and that helped me. Also the boss left a few weeks after it happened so it all kind of calmed down after that and I began to slowly feel better. It has taken me a couple of years to get my confidence back at work as she made me feel like I was inept and undermined my confidence in m ability to do my job even at the most basic level.

What I am trying to get at is can you remove some of the things you say have been stressing you out?
Was it work or is there something else you can change to help take the pressure off you?

I am ok now by the way, stronger than before actually. I am sure you will be too.

holstenlips Sat 20-Jul-13 16:05:38

Hi Charlie thanks for posting that. Im glad you recovered so well
I have been doing a lot of thinking and I don't think its actually my job that is the problem its stressful as is local govt but ive been doing it ten years and am part of the furniture . But I do think that I might need to leave and find something else to do. Im not getting any enjoyment or anything positive from my work. I work full time am always rushing and tired. I am quite a creative person but work like a robot. Because of the cost of childcare and because im a lone parent I dont earn any money really. I get worse off each month.
I dont have any time for hobbies and never go out socially. I have no family support.
I have a boyfriend who lives an hour away. He is great in many ways but in others he doesnt really pull his weight. I feel like his mum sometimes as I feed him and he comes and goes quite a bit.
I feel I need to make major changes to my life.
I feel that this depression is my mind and bodys way of telling me that im not happy.

holstenlips Sat 20-Jul-13 16:26:48

The thought of going back to work however is scary. I cant see how I will ever feel well enough.
I still feel as if everything is unreal. And this morning I cried on and off for 6 hours because I was too scared and anxious to go out.
Im going to get a doctor appt this week.

Do you think your bf is adding to the problem? Does he take some of the strain off or are you just adding to your job list by having him come round?

Also could you work one day less at work and have some time to chill? Would it make too much of a difference money wise or could you afford to if you worked it out? Also if govt is there anything more fun you could do? Transfer? New office? New project?

Lastly how old are the dc? Chld they help you with someof the jobs around the house?

How do you feel today? Sorry so many questions!!

holstenlips Sat 20-Jul-13 16:56:04

Its ok im so isolated its nice to have a chat.
Boyfriend is not around to help. He stays here maybe 3 or 4 nights a week to save himself petrol money to get to work and eats here virtually every day. He is not one to help ie cook or wash up etc. He doesnt help financially. I dont know though if im too critical. I am a mothering type so I may be at fault. I do feel a bit put out that he earns a lot more than me and yet doesnt ever offer to buy me a coffee say. He keeps his money for himself and his dc. Which maybe is fair enough. And maybe I should do the same.
My kids are 6 and 19. One at uni.
I feel exhausted. Mornings are bad and cry a lot.
I have told bf to stay away for a few days as I cant see the point of him being here and me being miserable plus I would have to cook etc for him and his dc.
I dont know if we have a future tbh because I feel like a different person at the moment. I cant go out and I dont want to see anyone other than my kids.

holstenlips Sat 20-Jul-13 16:57:43

Work wise I intend to ask my employer for help maybe something new or if not then I will look for something that will make me feel more fulfilled.
At the moment packing a bag and buggering off is my fantasy.

I think you are right by asking him to stay away and it also sounds like he is taking advantage of you big time. That must cost you a fortune feeding him and his kids. Well done for taking control of that.

Do you think drafting an email to your boss might ease the stress a bit too? It might help you feel proactive.

It is so exhausting feeling like this, I can remember that. I am going to pm you where I live in case it is nearby.

And actually, is there any scope in packing a bag and buggering off? Holidays start on Wednesday!?

holstenlips Sat 20-Jul-13 17:21:01

Thx Charlie not nearby sadly
Im signed off sick another week then I have a long weekend with my parents and just me and my little one. So that will be my version of buggering off.
Not one text from bf all day until just now. That says it all.
I do have to work thru the hols but will see if im not right im sure gp will sign me off again.
Im going to try to find a support group or something alth I dont have babysitter.
Looking from the outside it does seem that bf relys heavily on me.

holstenlips Sat 20-Jul-13 17:26:11

It gets to this time of day and I just wish the day would be over :-(

I know, you use up all your energy getting thought the day.

Could you stick a DVD on for your LO? Can you have a glass of wine and a bath later and try to relax?

I will be here all night!

holstenlips Sat 20-Jul-13 18:12:02

Ds has taken dd to the park im very lucky hes here.
I will be here all night too thank you so much x

grin he sounds nice! Am going to fetch myself a wine I will send you ne across the ether too!

holstenlips Sat 20-Jul-13 19:53:39

Have done 10 mins aerobics with dd. Will try to do this twice a day and now I will have that wine x

Another positive step today! Aerobics for ten mins a day sounds great. Well done that's two things you have actively done to help yourself feel better!

How are you today holsten?

NanaNina Sun 21-Jul-13 19:14:49

Hello Holsten glad you are getting such good support on here. It's been a lifeline for me many many times as I struggle to recover from depression. I know this goes without saying but you are definitely depressed as you have some of the major symptoms so I don't understand why your GP didn't prescribe an AD. You mention a "mood stabiliser" I've never heard of the drug that you mentioned.

The apt from the CMHT is too far away but they could be inundated, or the GP didn't really say how urgent the referral was. In any event it's usually the GP that prescribed the meds and the CPNs or SWs who visit to support you, or if they think you are very poorly they can refer you to a psychiatrist as can a GP.

Hang on in there - if this is your first experience of this horrid illness it is scary. It might help you to know that 4 out of 5 people make a complete recovery in 4 - 6 months. You definitely need to be signed off sick and I don't think it's a good idea for you to be thinking about a change of job at this time; you have enough to cope with at the moment.

Sending warm wishes your way

NanaNina Sun 21-Jul-13 19:22:24

Me again! I've just looked up that drug that you are on and it is for epilepsy NOT depression. I think you need to get back to the GP asap (and see someone different) and show them what you have been prescribed. There are a lot of doctors in GP surgeries at this time of year who have got their medical degree but have to do 2 years post qualification training, so you might have seen one of these!

Your symptoms of depression are very similar to mine: prolonged bouts of crying, afraid to go out and meet people, feeling you have lost all confidence and possibly that "a stranger has taken over your mind" (sorry if that doesn't fit) Mornings are always worse for me too and I think a lot of people with depression feel like this and sometimes the mood can lift throughout the day.

holstenlips Sun 21-Jul-13 21:02:57

Thank you both for your replies. Today has been a better ish day. I slept just 4 hours but woke feeling ok. I managed a trip to the park with the kids so plenty of exercise. Have not cried today.
Yes Nina someone has taken over my mind, or I have been killed and now im someone completely different.
The drug I have been given is also for depressive episodes of biploar. The reason being that I have already tried Ads and they have made me very flat and no improvement. I started with depression type symptoms at Christmas and it has suddenly come to this. I saw a psychiatrist at Christmas and he said possible bipolar due to other symptoms. So my gp said try these until you can see the psych again.
If someone told me that I have been abducted by aliens I would believe it.
I honestly feel totally alien to myself.
Will ring docs this week to see if she can speed up my referral. I feel scared all the time because I cant seem to get any control over my feelings. Its truly the worst thing ive ever experienced and I have had cancer 18 months ago. That was not on this scale in terms of fear.

holstenlips Sun 21-Jul-13 21:33:17

I actually thought prior to this that there was nothing wrong with me and that the possible bipolar was an extreme overreaction on the psychiatrists part.
I dont get manic. Yes sometimes quite 'high' irritable and overdo things.

I know about the not being able to get control over your feelings. That is super scary and it feels like there is no way to get your old mind back. I didn't ever take any ads but because my main problem was the hideous person at my work, once she had gone my symptoms lifted, although as I said it took a long time to get back to normal.

Well done for not crying today too. You definitely need to see your doc again and try to get them to help you some more.

holstenlips Sun 21-Jul-13 22:05:31

Thanks Charlie. I have no support so I will def get back to the gp.

Let us know how you get on tomorrow and here is a ((hug))

holstenlips Mon 22-Jul-13 16:36:14

Thanks I called gp today and have an appt for friday
The good news is..I feel pretty ok today
Have done my housework
Been reading a bit about mental health and that has helped
And thank you for the support it really means a lot

holstenlips Tue 23-Jul-13 15:35:20

And..a day so far spent in bed today. Its exhausting. I was so down this morning. At least im losing weight.

Oh boo, sorry to hear you feel shit today after a better day yesterday. Is your dd off school now? ( I broke up today)

You are one day closer to seeing the doc though. I really hope you get somewhere, are you seeing a different doctor?

holstenlips Wed 24-Jul-13 11:19:36

Yes my dd finishes today we are off to stay with my parents at the weekend (I havent told my parents anything) ) hopefully the different scenery and being cooked for by my mum will help. Im looking forward to it so thats good .
On friday im seeing a different gp as mines on holiday I wonder if they will sign me off work again or I will have to go back to work next friday (holiday til then)
I slept a whole night first time in ages and ive been for awalk and done my exercises. I am aware of my thoughts racing so im trying tokeep calm and quiet. Its a Rollercoaster ride.

Some positives in there, lovely holiday and maybe you will open up to your parents (mum?) and share some of the load. D you think that might help?

Make sure you explain how bad you feel to the doctor, I really hope they help you quickly this time!

I am off for a few days from tomorrow and am not sure if i will get a wifi signal for the ipad but I don't mind texting you if you would like me to?! Pm me if you like!

holstenlips Thu 25-Jul-13 19:51:00

Thanks Charlie you are very kind. Im sure I will be ok. If im not I will jump on here...you need a holiday not texting a mad woman!!!
Today first day of dds holidays. Very tired but took her out with her playmate just locally but I did it. And off to bed early as I was awake from 3.30am as usual.
Looking forward to my break away.
Gp tomorrow which should give me some idea of how they think im doing and whether to go back to work yet etc.
Thank you Charlie ♡ have a good break

I have wifi! Oh best of luck tomorrow then, I sincerely hope you get a good GP who understands what you are going through.

Well done for taking dd out too, a mammoth task when you feel dire. smile

Hope to hear good news tomorrow!

Apileofballyhoo Thu 25-Jul-13 22:31:05

Hi holsten,
just another person who is on your side. You sound very together to me for all you are coping with. I went through a phase of being unable to leave the house, months off work, suicidal etc.

Looking back I was very very unhappy with my life. I also had a relationship with someone who did all the taking and no giving. I wasn't happy at work either (dead end job, no incentive to perform better).

If I get down now, many years later, my first inclination is to not leave the house, and sit around doing pretty much nothing. So absolutely well done to you for the aerobics, bringing your DD out and doing the housework.

I have an emotional bank account theory - what you take out of your emotional bank account must be put back in or you end up empty. Sometimes you can be overdrawn for short periods, running on your reserves, but eventually you will go bankrupt if you don't get anything back.

You mentioned you had cancer - huge drain on you. You are a lone parent - also can be a drain (I know kids can put in what they take out but you are still the adult one, ultimately responsible etc). I think you actually hit the nail on the head yourself when you said this depression is your body's way of telling you you are just not happy.

Have things happened in your life you didn't get a chance to grieve? Have you always, always kept the show on the road, ploughed on, got things done, looked after the DCs? Even when you had cancer?

I am very glad you are going to your Mum's for a break. It sounds to me like you rarely get one. Is there any way you could move closer to your Mum's? Is your eldest DC living away at uni?

I hope I am not offending you. It's just you sound so strong and capable, I just feel you are completely worn out. You need kindness and dinners cooked and a break from responsibility. flowers

holstenlips Thu 25-Jul-13 23:30:50

Im too tired to respond properly Charlie and Apile..but thank you SO much. Will reply tomorrow but youve really hit the nail on the head and im so grateful , thank you . X

apile great post, that makes a lot of sense.
Have a lovely break, and don't be ashamed of asking your parents for help.

X

Ps hope the doc was good.

Apileofballyhoo Fri 26-Jul-13 22:01:56

Thinking of you holsten, hope you got on ok today and you are at your Mum's now.

holstenlips Sat 27-Jul-13 00:15:34

Just getting to bed been a busy day. Too much. Fell asleep on a train earlier..not good. Anyway doctors went fine ive been told to stay off work til I see psychiatrist mid august (so another fortnight)
Although I feel a bit like a failure on that front at least I dont have to force myself to concentrate on work.
The doc has doubled my meds as is the general plan.
Have been navel gazing far too much really but generally feel slightly better most of the time so thats positive.
Kids are off now and so keeping me busy. We leave for my parents on Sunday. My parents are elderly and not that well so I will see how things pan out before burdening them.
Still getting some intrusive thoughts mainly to do with dying. Panicking about dying and leaving my children but also futile type thoughts where I wish I could just give up. Still, mostly im doing better.
Thank you, again for the support. Its so comforting truly.

Apileofballyhoo Sat 27-Jul-13 09:53:24

Don't feel like a failure - take the time to rest and put work out of your head - do not feel guilty about it. Enjoy the time with your kids. It's the universes's way of giving you a well deserved break.

jango36 Sat 27-Jul-13 10:24:27

Hi guys smile
am still here lurking!
day 8 here. Feeling great, peaceful, calm and together. If only I had tried this years ago do think I d look back on an easier time.
Sat is always a challenge for me. Staying in so that makes it easier smile
plan is to as always keep busy, walk dog, maybe do some gardening. Also need to choose some wallpaper and paint want to revamp downstairs. Anyone got any good ideas for colour combinations?
Have lost nearly half a stone!! need to exercise now also but small steps..
Will name check later guys. Keep on keeping on xxx

They may be elderly but they are still your parents and might be more helpful than you imagine. They might not see it as burdening either, in fact I am sure they won't.

I like the sound of double meds, that hopefully will help too. And well done for getting yourself to a more positive place.

I still occasionally have thoughts like you have described, I did t realise they were intrusive thoughts but now I think I know what you mean.

When I had PND withdd1 I just knew I couldn't stand near an open window because I would throw her out of it.

Have a lovely break and don't be afraid to be honest. I am confident that you will get better and will recover. X

Apileofballyhoo Tue 30-Jul-13 00:01:39

Thinking of you Holsten. Hope you are feeling a bit better and getting a bit of a rest.

holstenlips Tue 30-Jul-13 01:22:14

Hi thanks im doing ok except not sleeping . I felt rubbish this morning and was dreading the day ahead but actually it was pretty good. My parents live in a veryIsolated place so a long walk in the country was lovely. Just taking in the trees, fields, horses and sheep! I thought I would sleep well but no such luck. However I am in bed and resting I suppose. Plus I dont have to cook or clean.
My dd is looking forward to a day at the seaside tomorrow its lovely to see her happy and busy.
My parents have a lot on their plate health wise so im keeping my thoughts to myself. So far its going ok and im glad I came.
Double meds may be helping too.
Not long now til my cancer follow up - perhaps that too has been on my mind.
Anyway thanks all for thinking of me. Will send you virtual ice creams tomorrow. Love, Holsten.

Apileofballyhoo Tue 30-Jul-13 10:30:22

I'm glad you had a good day. You need rest, rest and more rest. Hard when you can't sleep! Thoughts are always more negative in the small hours of the morning.

I know it is difficult to ask for help from people, you would be breaking the habit of a lifetime. Take whatever help you can get. You need it. Have you got any close friends near where you live? I suppose you are used to do everything yourself and hiding your worries from your Mum.

I really wish I could be of practical help. Like a month of dinners or something!

Just wondering if you have any spiritual beliefs?

And love back to you.

buildingmycorestrength Tue 30-Jul-13 10:39:00

I use relaxation videos on YouTube. The channel nlpmagic is fab. Worth 20 minutes!

Hello! A long walk sounds lovely! It's great to hear you say something was good and that you enjoyed it smile

Can I echo apile and offer any help you may feel able to take.

Hope your dd lifts your spirits a little bit more with a fun beach day tomorrow and I would love an ice cream....

Sending you a good nights sleep!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz if I can't sleep I open my eyes for as long as physically possible and sometimes it works!

Apileofballyhoo Thu 01-Aug-13 21:25:21

Hi Holsten, just wondering how you are.

Checking in too.

holstenlips Fri 02-Aug-13 10:04:09

You guys are great :-)
Im back from our trip. It was good the only negative being virtually no sleep. So now im home I need to catch up on that. Dd is in holiday club today and next week so I shall have the day to myself.
Mood wise mornings and late evenings are still tricky but I do feel as if the meds are working as the bad thoughts seem further away iyswim.
I have had a chat with my boyfriend (funny name for 45year old but thats what he is :-)
He has been pretty understanding but he wants us to move in together saying it will help us both financially. .my reply being that big decisions are not a good idea for me at the moment.
So im keeping my distance a bit as I feel that is right for me and anyway I cant do company all the time at the moment as I need my space. I think he thinks I will recover quite quickly now but I feel im some weeks off that. Anyway he has been pretty understanding.
The visit to my parents threw up a few things. Mainly the feeling I have always had of being ashamed of myself. I was abused as a child by a friend of theirs and it was swept under the carpet and there it has remained. My parents have always deflected any attempt by me to discuss my mental health as I think they are ashamed im not perfect! So confiding in them was probably never going to happen. By the way the abuse was something id tried to forget.
Also with the doctor now saying bipolar that is another issue. Ive never felt able to even acknowledge to myself that I have mental health issues. I really want to work on reducing this shame and stigma I have about it.
Thank you lovely friends for your support. Im back to bed now for a catch up on sleep will be back soon hope all is good for you all x

Apileofballyhoo Fri 02-Aug-13 14:05:45

Hi Holsten

you reminded me of a friend from college who was abused as a child by her aunt's husband... her parents did some of the right things but they wouldn't confront the man who did it as her mother didn't want to fall out with her sister. So this man was still in and out of their house many years later (they were quite close neighbours I think). I always thought that my friend's issues were half the abuse and half that her mother couldn't seem to put her first, iyswim... she was protected and sent for counselling and all of that but I don't think it was enough.

It's great that you can acknowledge your parents' difficulty in accepting your mental health issues. You have hit the nail on the head there by saying they are ashamed - but not of you not being perfect - I would think more by what they feel guilty about or can't face themselves.

I think you probably have a whole heap of anger and hurt to work through. Did you mention the abuse to your GP? I think it's important to if you haven't.

I'm glad you want to work on your own shame and stigma you feel. When I went for counselling I felt much the same, feeling somehow that I was 'weak' to need help. My counsellor pointed out that it takes courage to face your issues, and it is only the strong person that is able to do that. Confronting the truth can hurt, but also it can set you free.

I think it's great you told your bf that you are concentrating on yourself for now. Put yourself first!

Hope you get some good sleep. xx

buildingmycorestrength Fri 02-Aug-13 19:39:03

Hi Holsten. Coming to terms with abuse is difficult but worth it. You will get a lot of support here. thanks

holstenlips Sat 03-Aug-13 08:31:36

Big anxiety attack yday which resulted in a visit to my gp. She gave me some sleeping pills. As ive not been able to sleep all week. She is really lovely. And seems genuinely interested in how I am.

Apileofballyhoo Sat 03-Aug-13 09:25:25

Sorry about that Holsten. I'm glad your GP is lovely. I think sometimes things can start to surface and we want to push them down, but they will cause anxiety and depression if we don't face them. You sound like you are at a crisis point. I don't suppose you mentioned the abuse to her? Have you ever spoken to anyone about it?

I don't want to keep on about the abuse. I hate to think of you reading these words on the screen and being on your own. I feel like you are somehow thinking that having anxiety/depression is some kind of fault in you. It's not.

I'm glad you got the sleeping tablets. There is nothing worse than things going around in your head at night stopping you from sleeping. It's easier to keep busy during the day and not think about things. At least if you get some sleep you can function the next day.

holstenlips Sat 03-Aug-13 10:42:51

Thanks yes I did sleep so thats good. Mornings are not great I always feel very down.
Re the abuse I think in a lot of ways I am over it, ive had most of my life to get used to it. Its not that big a deal to me but the shame that my parents obviously have about me and that I have about myself is a problem.
I think this depression is a wake up call. That im not living my life how I should be. I really hope to get sortedout. I think it will take weeks though. Im not able to do much even tthinking, especially in the morning when all I want to do is give up.
Thanks for the replies its very kind x

Apileofballyhoo Sat 03-Aug-13 11:13:33

It's no problem to reply. Be kind to yourself. x

holstenlips Mon 05-Aug-13 16:16:22

Updating for anyone still watching; im doing better. Had a few wobbles at the weekend but my mood is better. I have no patience so ive explained to my kids.
Quiet times suit me better. Luckily I have this week off and then see psych next week.

I am loving seeing your recent posts, you sounds different, more resolve in your posts. And hurray for a good doctor!

Oh gosh, so sorry to hear about the abuse, I have no experience of that but can see how your parents acting weirdly about it must have totally done you in. sad

Still here checking in on you! Keep posting x

Apileofballyhoo Mon 05-Aug-13 21:55:06

Hi Holsten, glad you posted, but not glad you had wobbles! How do you find being at home and not having to go to work? Is your DD occupied or do you have her home with you?

holstenlips Tue 06-Aug-13 09:23:34

Im finding it better to be at home for now as work is very busy and full on, a lot of interaction with people which im not sure I could handle. Im tired still too.
I will go back soon though as I dont want to leave it so long..Im hoping I will know when im ready.
Dd is in holiday club. I thought about cancelling to save the cost but shes very happy there she loves it. And if she was here all day im sure I would struggle.
My son is back from uni hes working but so nice to have him around.
I feel so much better. I know the next step is to find ways of changing how I live and work so that I can help prevent this happening again. Big things to think about.
A lovely thing happened yesterday, 2 close friends from work have told me they are taking me out for the day on Saturday. Im so looking forward to a girlie day!
I have had so much support here and elsewhere on line (I found a bipolar support group on fb) Thank You! x

I am really happy for you. And that is a really good idea, to try and identify what you can do to try and keep this at bay.

I know I don't know you really but I feel really proud of how you have dealt with this, and continuing to deal with it. Could you cope with one day less a week at work to give you a breather?

Your bf sounds quite sweet actually. Maybe he could pay for some of the shopping for when he and his dc come round?

Anyway, it is great to hear you are on the mend! Well done for holding on.

Apileofballyhoo Tue 06-Aug-13 21:55:47

That all sounds really good holsten. smile Do look at how you live, that is a great idea. But also allow yourself to be sad about things that should make you sad, iyswim. We don't have to be happy all the time. Xx

holstenlips Tue 06-Aug-13 22:16:00

Funnily enough this afternoon I crashed and cried for an hour! Feel ok enough now. Obviously has to come out.
I do regret a lot of things and im seeing how ive been living on a very fast auto pilot. Taking this time out will help in the long run x

Apileofballyhoo Wed 07-Aug-13 10:26:44

I often find after being really anxious and stressed for days that I feel better after a good cry - sometimes I think the anxiety is caused by trying to hold things in and keep going. I think it's very hard to know how to deal with emotions when you weren't encouraged to express them as a child and I'm only trying to figure it out now.

holstenlips Thu 08-Aug-13 11:39:25

Definitely. My psych told me he believed I was emotionally neglected and that I never learnt to say No which is a stage that is v important for a toddler. I went out yday and stayed out for 4hours..scary but I did it. Got my cancer check up this pm involving colposcopy yuk not looking forward to it . Not worried about the income though im sure its all fine. :-)

Apileofballyhoo Thu 08-Aug-13 14:37:07

When did your psych tell you that? When I was in counselling my counsellor recommended a book called 'Healing Your Inner Child' or something like that - John Bradshaw was the author I think. I don't know that I found it much use really, but what has made a difference to me is a parenting website I look at to help me with DS - when I look at ways to help him with his emotions I realise where that wasn't done for me or DH... sometimes it makes me very sad but it does help me to try and manage my own emotions. I've started to have a very needs based outlook on it. Anyway link is this. Soooo don't want to be shoving what I think on other people, but I have found it helpful.

I've had loads of colposcopies and 2 letz (sp?) thingies - I was quite freaked out but the last time was great, couldn't have been easier for what it was iykwim! But other ones were a terrible source of anxiety for me so I'm glad you aren't feeling too bad about yours - hope it goes well. xx

Hope it went well today holsten...

That might be a big weight off your mind too.

I am away for a few days (Paris!!) but will check in on you when I get back!

holstenlips Fri 09-Aug-13 09:59:36

Have a lovely time Charlie ..never been I bet its lovely x hosp appt was ok. A small 'lesion' but they will watch and wait to see whether it develops over the next 6-12 months. They dont want to do any more surgery as its quite extreme..ive already had 3 surgeries.
Mood wise not great today. Just had a call from psyvh team who have had to cancel the clinic next tues so ive been put off to the following week...bugger. oh well.
Today, duvet day. A couple of friends coming tomorrow for lunch. Hopefully I will be cheered up by then! Love to all x

Hello! Am back. Very much poorer, Blimey Paris is expensive!

Hmmm so not quite the relief you were hoping for but it sounds like they are totally on top of it and are looking out for you, although I am not surprised your mood has dipped.

Also re the cancellation, think how bloody well you have done so far, you can and will manage another week, you are really doing very well.

How was your lunch! I have mainly eaten cheese and beef for the last 4 days. I need vegetables!!!

Keep going,you have already done so much by yourself, don't panic that your appointment is delayed, you will be fine, and if you have a wobble, me and apileofballyhoo are here!!!

holstenlips Fri 16-Aug-13 00:37:48

Sorry ive not been about. I am engulfed. Tuesday I had to call crisis team. Im not sleeping or eating very much. Just trying to hold out for psychiatric appt on tuesday. Have seen gp as suicidal thoughts. Not coping very well at the moment. Kids are ok I thought I might have to go to hospital but im waiting to see if I can get through it. The kids both go away at the weekend. I actually cant see a future. Not suicidal but wish I could just sleep. Will catch up again soon much love Holsten.

Apileofballyhoo Sun 18-Aug-13 22:00:02

Oh Holsten

I'm so sorry you've been feeling so bad. My heart just goes out to you. I suppose these low feelings are just not going to go away as easily, they want you to express your grief and pain and you've never really had time in your life to do that. I'm so sorry that you have suffered and that you are suffering. And enduring. It's hard work. I'm praying for you and sending you love and sympathy.

Also, these are feelings, and feelings pass and feelings change, they aren't permanent. I know it's really really shit when you feel so awful that death is a way out of it... but it's not permanent, you will get better. It might be more of a marathon than a sprint though. Hopefully Tuesday will be very helpful. Lots of love and good wishes to you x

Apileofballyhoo Sun 18-Aug-13 22:12:20

I hope the weekend went ok for you. Would it be any help to talk about anything you're feeling? Like have a moan about work or your Bf or any worry you have?

Do you normally keep all your worries to yourself?

I do but I really opened up to my friend this past week and I feel less alone, though she lives quite far away and was just here briefly, it was just such a relief to talk to somebody and not do my usual pretend everything is fine. I found that the housework and everything was easier and I wasn't as anxious or stressed. Tasks didn't seem as big - normally I really dread and hate changing the bed whereas tonight I just did it without thinking about it at all, and I realized it's really not that big a deal. Sorry for rambling, I'm probably not making much sense!

Oh no I am really sorry to hear that.

You do have a future though, I know it's very hard to see through depression and anxiety, having had varying bouts of both. You will get better and it is almost Tuesday, only one more night to get through and then you should get some better support.

Holding your hand very tight. X

Apileofballyhoo Tue 20-Aug-13 22:42:53

Hi holsten was thinking of you all day, hope you got on ok today x

Me too, hope you had some kind of positive experience. Sending hugs.

Apileofballyhoo Thu 29-Aug-13 02:18:54

Hi Holsten just thinking of you and wondering how you are x

Apileofballyhoo Wed 04-Sep-13 00:11:06

Still thinking of you Holsten. Hope you are ok. X

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