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Ashamed to be here

(125 Posts)
GracieLoo Sat 29-Jun-13 21:19:29

I wanted my previous thread to be deleted but for some reason it wasn't, however i'm feeling like I need to just get all this out somewhere. It's taken a lot of guts to post again, all my confidence has gone today for some reason.

I don't even know what to say now, but I am frustrated that I am not getting anywhere. I am regarding therapy and appts, but not mentally. The past few years have been up and down, up and down. The downs are getting worse and more often, the ups are happening less. Always been told therapy is what I need, but my unhelpful cpn said I won't get it while i'm tearful. I have an appt for it in a couple of weeks though.

Social services are now involved, anxiety is through the roof. I don't trust anyone anymore, feel I have no one I can be totally honest with, and I know i'm sinking again. The down periods are taking over, with no explanations. I have been looking for jobs, seeing friends, doing a lot with dd, but that's when I realise no matter what I do, this bpd is always going to be lingering, taking over, until I can take it no more.

I was really struggling a couple of months ago, but at least I was more open then, and able to ask for help. I feel I can't now, I clam up, I feel vulnerable and paranoid. Even in my garden earlier I feel like people are watching me.

I don't want to sound like i'm repeating myself, but I feel like i'm waiting for the right time to end it, it's what keeps me going if that makes sense.

cjel Sat 29-Jun-13 21:27:09

Hello Gracie,
I was just this minute trying to find you through old threads.
SOOOO glad that you decided to come back. Was sad to read that you having a down time again but pleased that there is something in the pipeline for counselling. I didn't think cpn was right about you having to stop crying.
I can't think what else to suggest but how have you managed with dd is she at her dads tonight or have you got her at home? how did ss get involved? have you had meeting with gp and cpn yet?

yamsareyammy Sat 29-Jun-13 21:31:29

Hi Gracie.
So so glad you have the appointment. That is great.

apatchylass Sat 29-Jun-13 21:40:35

Really sorry to hear you're feeling so unwell. I didn't catch your last thread, so am not sure if you're on ADs or not. If you are, can they be adjusted? (I know how very hard it is to get this right with bpd - two close friends have it and juggling meds is almost a full time preoccupation.

Hang in there. And if you don't feel comfortable with your cpn, can you see someone else? Personally I'd hate to go through therapy whilst feeling down (would hate it anyway - just not my thing) but if it feels instinctively like that might work for you, can you ask again? The only thing is, if you aren't feeling able to trust anyone right now, it might be extra hard to open up.

And btw, I'm really impressed at your list of stuff you are up to doing. Doing things with dc and seeing friends - these are so important as they prevent the illness from dominating and trashing your life. When you look back on difficult times you'll be able to think: well at least I made some happy memories for dc. It's phenomenal that you are doing this whilst feeling down. Hope you are giving yourself credit for it.

cjel Sat 29-Jun-13 22:23:57

Gtacie I have to go to bed I can;t keep my eyes open but will be back in the morning. Hope you get some sleep tonightflowers

GracieLoo Sat 29-Jun-13 22:54:42

Thank you for the replies. I was nervous about starting a new thread. I'm glad the therapy could start soon, the appt is another assessment so won't get my hopes up. I am on meds but always get told they won't make me better, as bpd is difficult to treat. I guessed that after trying five different AD's.

Dd isn't here this weekend, luckily as i've slept most of the day and am feeling out of it. Everything seems slow. Paranoid feelings are horrible, especially when in own home, only feel safe in bed. Seeing things which isn't a good sign, flickers and movements, thinking there are flies in the fridge. And got buzzing in my ears, forgetting to lock doors, close windows, argh I could go on. These are all bad signs. Plus wanting to self destruct, drinking although trying not to. And having weird dreams and images of doing certain things. When I start researching on Internet I know I'm getting worse, but what can I do?

How long am I meant to keep going for? I don't even remember some days, they don't feel like they happened, or I go over in my head what I may have said/done that made me look stupid. I panic about things that didn't happen, like dd getting lost or hurt.

I'm rambling, but my mind is racing. My weeks are so busy with lots of different things, school stuff, appts, outings, so I'm busy which helps, but it's not enough. If I let myself crumble I will lose everything. But I'm getting exhausted and I need a break.

yamsareyammy Sat 29-Jun-13 22:59:15

I was wondering the other day when you last had a real break.
Ever since I have had children, I have gone away for a three day break, sometimes totally alone to say a B&B or cheap hotel, or sometimes to someone I know, and most times I do absolutely nothing.
Might read a book if I feel like it, or go for a short walk.That is it.
Does me the power of good, even though it is just for 3 days.

cjel Sat 29-Jun-13 23:07:45

It sounds like you are exhausted but thoughts are all tumbling around so your poor mind doesn't get time to stop. Your post sounds quite coherent though . I don't know what to suggest about researching except 'don't' but i guess that won't be any helpsmile
those sensations you are talking about, seeing movements etc and forgetting to lock things are not serious they are common , normal symptoms of an overstressed body. they are not for ever and as you recover they will lessen, try not to be frightened by every new thing that your poor tired mind tries to trick you with.remember that you want to stop feeling like this and nothing else. You will stop feeling like this and you will be better. just snuggle in that safe bed and try get some sleep

mouses Sat 29-Jun-13 23:29:45

i should stop lingering on here cos when i read thread that i could of wrote - it makes me worry more about myself!

gracie i get/do alot of what you mentioned. buzzing in ears (told gp this so many times!), what looks like bits of dirt floating in my eyes, paranoid about everything! when you said 'research on the internet' i was at the docs with this in the exact words on my list to show her!

same with the days being a blur, i too think about what i might of said and think 'why did i say that, just be quiet next time!' or i feel i showed myself up infront of someone and then avoid them, and just today i had a thought of my DD falling into the stream where i walk the dog. was a horrible thought.

mind is always racing, never seems to switch off! im sorry its no help to you waffling on about me. but i thankyou, as when everyone post their experiences it helps others (me) understand or even realise things they are doing which they may not realise, or think is anything out of the ordinary (last bit prob made no sense?)

i wish i had words of wisdom for you, but im searching for ways do deal will it too x

GracieLoo Sun 30-Jun-13 00:05:26

It's interesting to hear someone has similar symptoms. Do you have a diagnosis Mouses? what support are you getting? I know I've always been different, sensitive but emotionless, anxious, obsessive and a self harmed, but it's got worse in the last few months.

I'm trying to sleep but it feels like the bed is swaying, and I feel I have to keep still as people know what I'm doing and thinking. I keep thinking of a rope type thing I have in the cupboard. Can smell body lotion and it seems stronger than usual and making me feel ill. It's like no one exists anymore and that's why it's ok if I end it, but then I think, I just need to do that tomorrow! So spaced out and fuzzy headed.

I think if I was on my own for a few days with nothing to do I wouldn't be very safe, but I feel so tired it's stopping me from getting better or motivated.

mouses Sun 30-Jun-13 00:36:43

Ive been back to the gp with a huge list of symptoms, had a phone assessment, date for home assessment and planning on ringing for CBT.

i looked into what i do or why and alot of it came back as bipolar, depression, anxiety, ocd.... was one of those many researching days amongst buying loads of stuff i shouldnt of! wasting my day on the internet. (a few weeks ago now)

yes me too re the feeling different, exactly those words too! emotionless, anxious - just the same. i remember being so young and saying to my mum 'i dont feel right' she'd ask whats wrong and id say i dont know just feel weird!

last night i went to bed with a bad head ache feeling unsteady and shakey sad i have days where food smells stronger and puts me off eating it. the kids noise can sound 10 times louder and my vision is blury. i know what you mean about thinking of ways out, the other night i didnt want to take neurofen for my head ache incase i couldnt stop sad had my DC's in bed and worried they would find me, how messed up do i sound! i feel for you and understand.

i just keep hope that my strength of not hurting my DC's continues to out-weigh the strength of ending it! sorry im not being very supportive am i, everyone who is goin through it are fighters!

yamsareyammy Sun 30-Jun-13 10:40:19

Found this site. You may well have read it before

www.mind.org.uk/mental_health_a-z/8037_borderline_personality_disorder

But very near the end it says that the majority of people in the long term, improve with it.

cjel Sun 30-Jun-13 15:28:17

Yams that wad really interesting. I don't know about you two gracie and mouses but the thing that struck me was that it all sounded very normal, scary yes and horrid but nothing that will not get better, some even getting better with no help at all!! I did wonder about the use of meds and the role they have to play in making some of the symptoms worse not better? Gracie, it was also very clear that counselling/talking therapies seemed the preferred method of help and no where did it say you had to be 'stable' to benefit from it.

GracieLoo Sun 30-Jun-13 18:43:44

Thanks I had a read, think I've read it before but it helps to remind myself that there are therapies that work.

Sorry can't say much now as have a migraine and feel sick and shaky. Feel awful actually, want to cry. Managed to collect dd, make her tea, she's eating it now but it's making me feel sick. Got to get her to bed, don't know if I can do this.

cjel Sun 30-Jun-13 18:45:46

breath slowly gracie, have you had plenty of fluids? dehydration can add to migraine. Not long till dds bedtime, you can do it.xx

GracieLoo Sun 30-Jun-13 18:54:01

I think I am going to be sick, and I am crying now. It hurts so much! Can't do it, she'll have to go to bed with no stories or anything. If I move I feel worse.

cjel Sun 30-Jun-13 19:00:42

its ok. its migraine and will pass. dd will be fine without a story. don't feel guilty. give her a hug and explain.

yamsareyammy Sun 30-Jun-13 19:06:19

Had migraines for years. Nothing much worked when it was at its worst, except for rest in a darkened room. Light was terrible.
Forget bathtime or stories.
Lie on her bedroom floor if necessary.
I was never actualy sick with it, but felt like it a few times.

GracieLoo Sun 30-Jun-13 20:06:47

Been sick, in bed. Urgh

yamsareyammy Sun 30-Jun-13 20:11:50

Urgh. Sorry, got that wrong. Didnt think you would be sick.

cjel Sun 30-Jun-13 20:26:00

thats the trouble with our advice - its open to error isnt it yamssadoh yuk, poor you,is dd in bed? can you just stay still and sleep?

yamsareyammy Sun 30-Jun-13 20:57:17

yep. We can only do our best.

GracieLoo Mon 01-Jul-13 07:08:58

Think migraines gone, although haven't got up yet. Had horrible dreams, about my cpn having a go at me, no one listening, and standing at a train station waiting to jump. It was such a vivid dream.

Never been that ill with a migraine before. Got a lot on this week so hope I don't get anymore. Got another ss meeting this week, last thing I want to do. What happened in my dream has triggered off all kinds of thoughts.

cjel Mon 01-Jul-13 08:40:14

morning gracie, glad migraine has gone. no onelistening is the key to a lot of your distress i reckon and when you get the person who will i feel you will turn the corner. What have you got on today can you be gentle so you recover from migraine or is it a manic day?

yamsareyammy Mon 01-Jul-13 09:31:21

Ignore all dream thoughts if you can.
Crikey, my dreams are a wonder to behold!

GracieLoo Mon 01-Jul-13 12:49:38

The HV I've always trusted must have said something at some point and family are telling me to be careful what I say. Now I feel even more anxious about what I say. This is why I'm annoyed people have had to be told everything, as now there are too many opinions and nothing I say is confidential anymore. I understand family need to know but it's not always helpful them being so involved.

It's really hard not having a cpn I can talk to.

cjel Mon 01-Jul-13 13:31:18

dont understand why your health visitor should have been talking to your family? It must be hard if you think you have no one to trust, but the professionals all have some level of client confidentiality and shouldn't be discussing what you say with your family.
I also don't know why you should be careful what you say, if its what you are thinking and feeling it is valid and you mustn't be made to feel that it is wrong.

yamsareyammy Mon 01-Jul-13 13:35:08

Hang on.
How do you know that the HV has broken confidences?

Could the family just be saying what they are saying anyway?

SugarandSpice126 Mon 01-Jul-13 14:19:34

Agree with what cjel and yams have said... Do you know whether HV has said anything? I know I would definitely feel paranoid that people kept talking about me, but try and focus on what you know for sure. It's so hard sometimes though.

In what way are they telling you to be careful about what you say? As in what are they suggesting you don't say? You are such a good mother despite all of this, so you don't have to hide.

GracieLoo Mon 01-Jul-13 16:34:36

I just posted a reply and lost it, so annoying.

I don't think I was clear, sorry, think the HV said some things at the original meeting that I didn't attend. It was probably things I admitted to her about my feelings as a mum that I wouldn't admit to family. That's why I'm annoyed people have been so involved as everyone has opinions and it's made things harder for me. So as there are appts and meetings this week, I've been advised to be careful about what I say, although I have nothing to hide and have always been honest as I want help for dd and myself.

I can't talk to my cpn, in my dream last night I opened up to my 1st cpn, I wish that could happen in real life. Want to be on my own to cry, but I can't.

yamsareyammy Mon 01-Jul-13 16:50:46

Gracie. If I were you I would cry when you want to.
Perhaps bear in mind about doing it too often in front your DD, but other than that cry.

Why are your family saying "careful what you say"?
That may not be the right advice, but difficult to say for sure, from behind a computer screen.

GracieLoo Mon 01-Jul-13 20:52:29

I don't know what i'm not supposed to say! Nothings happened, I don't do anything bad so shouldn't have to keep quiet. But now I feel i'm being blamed for all of this for being too honest in the first place.

Getting so paranoid, keep getting calls from hv and sw to say about coming for a visit, even though visits have been arranged? Hv is coming tomorrow. I hate not knowing what is being said about me.

It is getting more and more tempting to not be here, I don't want to be. When I see dd playing so happily with others, I think how she'll be ok. I can't keep on messing everyone's lives up, and I can't cope with the paranoia and anxiety getting worse every day. I don't want to come across angry about it all, but I can see it happening, as there is no one I can trust. Wish my old cpns could call me but I know they can't, and it hurts.

I was close to crying earlier but always too busy with dd, want to have a break from the meds so I can have a good cry.

GracieLoo Mon 01-Jul-13 21:41:27

BBC 3, a bit triggering. Annoys me they read that letter then came to the conclusion of throwing more meds at her! Meds aren't everything, I hate them!

GracieLoo Mon 01-Jul-13 23:23:40

Sorry to keep posting, reaching out wherever possible, feeling completely out of it. Feel like I might pass out, light headed. Don't know what that means. Keep crying though, and gone into a bad place. Feel nothings real. Kind of want help but really scared now. Been trying so hard to pretend things are normal. I don't want to be here at all.

yamsareyammy Mon 01-Jul-13 23:45:08

Havent seen the BBC3 programme.
What was it about?
<hugs Gracie>

yamsareyammy Mon 01-Jul-13 23:46:47

Can you trust your mother?
I think you can from what little you have posted about her.

Do you have any siblings btw?

SugarandSpice126 Mon 01-Jul-13 23:57:29

I know it must feel awful not to be in control of the situation. Ultimately though, you are in control of a lot of things, and can take lots of little steps to try and get better. You're a lot stronger than you think, you know. You're posting on here as a way of reaching out, and that's so so strong.

When you see dd happily playing, she's happy not just because she's with friends/with her favourite toy, it's because she feels stable and loved and cared for. Children who don't have this don't just happily play. The fact that she does happily play means you're not doing as badly as you think you are. In fact, you are doing very well, and she is clearly happy. Your love and presence are key parts of her happiness. You can't necessarily see that because you don't know what she would be like without that. Talk to any child/adult who lost a loving parent, and you'll find out that it's devastating and impacts their lives so dramatically. You are a fundamental part of her life, whether you are ill or not, and you always will be.

As humans we're not perfect. And as such, no parent is perfect. We're still individuals, and therefore each have our problems and issues. No parent is completely balanced and happy all of the time. We sometimes snap, or cry, or have difficulty doing certain things. And children can deal with this. They don't break as soon as they see their parent in difficulty, they are resilient and can cope.

It's amazing that you're still trying to reach out, and it shows you don't want to die, you want this feeling to go away. It's the feelings that you can't cope with, and therefore it's the feelings that you have to work on. Keep doing tiny steps and you will get there. I know it feels like the longest road in the world and you can't see the end, but trust me, it's there. And once you reach a positive place you will be so happy and thankful that you didn't give up. You will be the person telling other people to keep trying, because things will improve.

yamsareyammy Tue 02-Jul-13 00:19:08

Gracie. You dont need to say about the BBC3 programme. As it triggered you, it may be best not to.

cjel Tue 02-Jul-13 18:25:29

Sorry I haven't been around for a couple of days, have you managed to see hv today? how did meeting go? did you get any further with going for counselling? How has today been?flowers

GracieLoo Wed 03-Jul-13 08:42:00

Got a meeting today, I don't want to do this. I know everyone will say it's to help. My god, dd is driving me mad. She's whinging and being demanding, the way she talks to me is horrible sometimes but I have no energy to deal with it. I can't tell anyone this, my mum wouldn't believe me and would disapprove me telling the sw. I don't know what to do, I can't carry on like this.

Had more vivid dreams last night. I wish someone would say it's ok, we'll all be fine, dd will forget about it all and be happy with her dad, but obviously no one will say that.

GracieLoo Wed 03-Jul-13 08:48:41

I don't know if I'm handling her in the right way! I'm trying to ignore her but my heads so muddled I don't know if I'm doing this all wrong!

SugarandSpice126 Wed 03-Jul-13 09:12:48

We can't say dd will be fine without you because she won't. That's the only reason people aren't saying that. It's not true.

She's still young, whining etc isn't your fault...do you want to talk about what she does? Everyone needs a bit of a moan about child's behaviour sometimes. They are lovely but can also be brats sometimes! You're not the only one to feel driven mad by it.

I understand that you feel you're not doing what's right for her, but this is most likely the depression talking. Maybe you could outline an example and we'll give an objective viewpoint? There's usually no right/wrong way though, just what works for each person. I know you're trying your best, and that's what really matters.

cjel Wed 03-Jul-13 09:32:38

try not to worry about dd, she is normal and so are you. what time is your appt? although your head is muddled say what is on your mind honestly, it really is to help and the truth will set you free, if you are trying to concentrate on what you should and shouldn't say you may stay muddled. Ask sw about counselling its perfect for un muddling tired minds. I'm thinking about you Gracie.flowers

GracieLoo Wed 03-Jul-13 09:45:29

Meetings been cancelled. I've phoned up cmht about how I'm struggling with cpn, started crying and now urges and thoughts are bad. And really paranoid family are reading this. Also feel people were looking at me and knowing how I felt at nursery drop off. Going round in bloody circles and I'm fed up.

yamsareyammy Wed 03-Jul-13 10:56:04

Has the meeting been rescheduled yet?

Glad you have spoken up about the cpn, as she should be a valuable person to you, not one that makes you further anxious.
You did right, not wrong today, try not to worry about it.

The people at nursery may well have been giving you concerned, loving looks if you looked a bit anxious or upset today.

cjel Wed 03-Jul-13 11:36:51

Remember that it is your paranoia that makes you imagine what others are thinking about you. It really may not be what they are thinking,
Glad you have taken control and spoken out about cpn that was a brave good thing that you did to get the help Gracie needs.

Todays main thought could be 'lets think about what Gracie wants and try not to let thoughts(Which are in your head and not always a reality) of others potential judgement stop me looking after myself'

Hugs to you Gracie.xxx

GracieLoo Thu 04-Jul-13 20:34:11

The meeting is next week now. Been on such a high today, got so much done, didn't sit down all day and still feel like I need/want to be doing stuff. Want to throw things out, rearrange stuff, been buying things I don't need. In the past this feeling has been followed by extreme low. I'm out tomorrow but now regretting it but spent a lot of money on a ticket so should go, but I know going out, then coming back tired and late has not always ended well. I think I know what could happen but I just want these extreme emotions to end.

Still struggling with dd and feeling more detached from her. Got a feeling things aren't quite right, but not had the chance to discuss things this week. Keep forgetting what day it is and what's going on anyway, just staying in my own little, manic bubble at the moment. Feels easier and safer that way.

cjel Thu 04-Jul-13 20:52:42

Glad you new date for meeting.can you write things down so that if you hit a low you will have some of your'up'thoughts to keep you going until you are more level?

GracieLoo Fri 05-Jul-13 16:46:17

I'm not feeling that good at all. I know what I want to do so badly, but a bit of me wants to reach our for help if I need to, but think I'm too scared to ask for help. I want to cry, been stockpiling sad sorry feel such a failure.

yamsareyammy Fri 05-Jul-13 17:23:14

Keep talking on MN
Is it your cpn that you need to contact?

cjel Fri 05-Jul-13 18:55:41

who would you like to reach out to? what is stopping you? You are not a failure Gracie just struggling with bad health at the moment. You will be well again and may get better sooner if you reach for help way before you get to the end of your tether. you may be able to see it as normal then and not a fail?

cjel Fri 05-Jul-13 22:29:28

Gracie, Hope you are ok? I have to get some sleep now but will be back in the morning.

GracieLoo Sat 06-Jul-13 10:44:13

I feel ill physically and mentally, but got too much on this week, if I can get through this week and make it until next weekend when I'll be on my own.

cjel Sat 06-Jul-13 17:11:14

If you make it through this week and make it till next weekend you will also have got another week nearer being wellxx

GracieLoo Sun 07-Jul-13 08:11:34

Had enough of all this, I am not enjoying life at the moment, dd is winding me up constantly. I can't be a mum anymore. I can't do anything right. Got a day with the family today, these days usually end up really stressful and i'm dreading it. I just want this to be over. I'm struggling but don't know what to do, i'm supposedly getting all the 'support' so I should be doing ok.

I have been having all these sudden plans, I have been thinking what a good idea it would be to have another baby, as then I wouldn't feel guilty about dd being on her own. My 'ex' has been asking to come round so this plan could happen, but people would hate me and i'd lose friends and respect. But I think it would be the right thing, i've always wanted more. He might stick by me and I could have a proper family for the first time ever. And everyone would be happy. I don't sleep around, not at all, just want to feel wanted.

But I know these plans are ridiculous as i'm also having thoughts that I really don't want to be here, feeling detached from reality and thinking of ways out constantly and thinking what a relief it would be. Nothing makes sense.

I know i'm going to be judged, but I can't be this honest anywhere else. Starting to cry now but it hurts more to cry.

cjel Sun 07-Jul-13 10:10:47

Plans for the future are never ridiculoussmile mine used to be house hunting on line for a little place to live for just me and not the whole family, completely unrealistic but it meant that i didn't feel trapped and that there was a different way to live.
You must be shattered trying to hang on all the time, i think you are amazing going to family things and looking after dd so well. I know you don't think you are and it is normal when we are tired and run down to get fed up with having to look after someone else when all we want to do is crawl under the duvet, so well done for doing it every day.flowers
It is really really hard to see there will ever be 'normal' life when you are so ill and help isn't instant, all i can keep saying to you is that it really can get better there are thousands of us who have been through trials like youra snd are blossoming out the other end.
I hope you can enjoy some sunshine today and have times when you are not struggling.xx

GracieLoo Sun 07-Jul-13 10:38:51

I don't think I should be considering more children, having a partner or anything, as I know I won't be here as I can't cope with what I've got now. I don't know what I'm doing, managed to stop crying before it got bad but I just don't feel like smiling anymore. Everyone is living the weather and going on about how happy they are. Wish there was a mn cafe/pub I go could to when I want to escape from everything else.

cjel Sun 07-Jul-13 12:52:19

that sounds fantastic a mn cafe/pub. I didn't mean you should actually have the baby , but that the idea of some sort of future that is different to how you live now is a good thing to hang on to. Have you started to journal all your thoughts? its good to have a time and place to cry and a family 'do' isn't ideal so well done for controlling them , it must be hard.
Hope you can appreciate the lovely weather this afternoon and get abreak from thinking.xxx

yamsareyammy Sun 07-Jul-13 12:55:32

A mn cafe/pub sounds like a lovely idea.smile

Glad you feel able to be honest and open on here.

Is your therapy assessment appointment end of next week?

GracieLoo Sun 07-Jul-13 17:20:08

Think I ruined today. I always do. My misery just rubs off on others, that's another reason I'm right in what I want to do.

Think my assessment is next week, hardly care any more. Why am I so horrible? Everyone is enjoying themselves, I just get stressed.

cjel Sun 07-Jul-13 18:50:50

Woah you are not horrible at all in no way, shape or form.what happened to make you think that? You are a lovely person who just isn't very well at the moment.Its hare if you feel eerything is your fault, but you are not responsible for other peoples moods, they can choose whether or not they are happy.
You get stressed because you aren't well, when you are well you won't get stressed.
What day is your assessment

yamsareyammy Sun 07-Jul-13 19:39:38

My guess is that you did not ruin today, and people were glad to see you.

Please dont miss the assessment. I think it is very important for you.

fwiw, I think, and I could be wrong, that the hot weather doesnt necessarily help some people that have mental health problems. It seems to highlight them.

GracieLoo Mon 08-Jul-13 08:44:56

I can't carry on like this, waking up wishing I hadn't, dreading the day, sitting like a zombie unable to get ready. My minds racing with stuff I should be doing with dd, she's going to fall behind because I don't do enough with her. Planned to go to childrens centre, but she's refusing to go, then ss will have a go at me as they want me to keep going.

Assessment is next mon.

yamsareyammy Mon 08-Jul-13 09:46:05

1 more week.

Can someone else take her to the children's centre today?

cjel Mon 08-Jul-13 14:58:51

I don't know much about medication Gracie but if you are feeling zombie like is you meds making you feel like that can you change to a different sort?

GracieLoo Mon 08-Jul-13 20:01:53

I took her to the cc, but felt guilty about it. No one else would have taken her. I don't think it's the meds, it's not that kind of zombiefied feeling, more of a 'what's the point' and ' I can't think what I need to do' kind of feeling.

I'm starting to realise this is not going to go away that easily, I've tried most things over the past few years, but for some reason, things have got gradually worse. Maybe because I am starting to forget any other life I used to have. I feel there really is only one way out of this, and I've got to accept that it will happen one day. Finding myself planning things more and more, earlier I was teaching dd what to do if there was ever an emergency, ie phone 999, make sure she knows her address etc. Not that I would ever do anything when she was here, but just incase an 'accident' happened, as I feel my thoughts are becoming more out of control, and thoughts of hanging are increasing. (sorry sad, hate putting stuff like that, don't want to offend/upset/annoy).

yamsareyammy Mon 08-Jul-13 20:10:50

Are you getting scared about the appointment next monday?

cjel Mon 08-Jul-13 20:19:40

Don't worry about me. I told you before I won't be upset by anything you say here.
You are having a struggle at the moment gracie and it is hard for me to feel that i can't help you as i'd like to but i'm not upset.
Itsalways good to plan for emergencies , it isn't going away easily at the moment but whenyou get the help you need you will turn the corner and find there are days when you don't struggle so much.
Like Yams said is there anything in particular that you are worried about for your assessment, could you be afraid that you are beyond help?

GracieLoo Mon 08-Jul-13 21:36:16

Haven't really thought about the appt, but I know i'm beyond help. Been trying to distract but ended up internet shopping and buying stuff to make me happy, didn't work.

Want to do something quite badly, but feel confused. Got ss appt tomorrow, not looking forward to that. Feel people are reading this that know me so think I should stop but I don't want to, just want everyone to go away.

cjel Mon 08-Jul-13 21:39:50

you are not beyond help you just haven't sourced the right help yet.Do you want me to go away?

GracieLoo Mon 08-Jul-13 21:53:57

No, I don't mean anyone who has been lovely and supportive, I think I mean all my paranoid thoughts, and everyone in rl who just misunderstand me or are making things harder. Sorry I don't know what i'm on about. Just upsetting people all the time.

cjel Mon 08-Jul-13 22:02:30

haven't upset me I just didn't want to be a pain if i was irritating yousmile your posts are making sense!! I think its those horrid paranoid thoughts that don't. being not heard and misunderstood in RL is hard but don't give up one day Gracie will win through and the world will take notice!! I heard a quote recently which was something along the lines of ' when you live as the person you should be you will set the world ablaze'
I would like to say to you don't let the b.... get you down.

yamsareyammy Mon 08-Jul-13 22:02:30

You are not upsetting anyone on here.
<hugs gracieLoo>

SugarandSpice126 Mon 08-Jul-13 23:15:51

I know thinking that this won't easily go away is really hard, but it's actually probably a more realistic and safer way of thinking about it. Thinking that you should just snap out of it easily is not the reality for you or anyone with MH problems - it's a long, tough road, and it can take a long time to work through everything and get to a good place, but that doesn't mean it's not achievable. It's a case of taking each day at a time, doing it bit by bit, and trying as hard as you can to fight it. You're already doing all this, and you can keep doing it... The fact that you are still really struggling does not mean that you are beyond help, it just literally means that things are still hard. The fact that you are still here and still trying as hard as you can for you and dd is actually a sign that you can do this. The fact that you're here and you're posting and trying to get help is the clearest sign that you could ever give that you don't really want to give up, even if you feel you do.

Nothing at all is set in stone and nothing is inevitable. I know from your perspective, because you can't see the end and can't imagine what feeling 'better' would be like, you can't see how it will ever happen. But that is actually a fairly rational thought - once you feel something/experience something for long enough, you lose sight of what things were before and what they could be. But what that actually is is a feeling that things won't better. Your feelings then cloud the reality, because feelings are often all you have to go on, but your feelings aren't a reliable indicator of how things could be.

Have you ever looked up depression success stories online? There are so many of them, and they're so inspiring. If you're interested, I'll have a proper look for some good ones. I'm happy to do this myself, as I can avoid the ones that might be too triggering.

Maybe tomorrow morning (before meeting) try and ground yourself in reality. You haven't upset any of us, nor your family, nor your friends. They may have got frustrated that they don't seem to be able to help, but if they are good people, as I'm sure they are, then all they care about is helping you get better. You're not doing anything wrong.

And keep posting here as much as you want, and we'll reply as often as you'd like.

yamsareyammy Tue 09-Jul-13 12:26:06

Good post SugarandSpice126

GracieLoo Tue 09-Jul-13 13:35:54

It really was thank u x

GracieLoo Wed 10-Jul-13 16:49:04

Argh I can feel myself losing it! Dd does nothing I ask her, she just winds me up! And I have all weekend on my own, so wanted to go out for some drinks sat night so I can get drunk and self destruct but my friends are crap and all have lame excuses. Keep nearly crying but just can't, keep going to call someone but can't. On the edge, really am.

GracieLoo Wed 10-Jul-13 16:52:04

Also I haven't heard back from the cmht from when I phoned to talk about the difficulties with the cpn, and still waiting! Want to call but can't remember the name of who I spoke to. Think they've just ignored me.

yamsareyammy Wed 10-Jul-13 18:15:20

It is possible that on this occasion, that you got lost in the system somehow. It happens.
Also, people are on holiday this time of year.
Also, they may be seeing if they can find you another one?

Is your DD on school holidays yet.
Or is it near end of term.
My kids were very tired at the end of every term.
I did find I had to be a bit slacker with them then. They needed sleep and rest above all.

coxspippin Wed 10-Jul-13 18:45:35

i'm sorry you feel so gracieloo.

cjel Wed 10-Jul-13 21:32:51

Hi Gracie< sorry you are having a bad time, will you try cmht again in the morning?x

GracieLoo Wed 10-Jul-13 21:49:31

I think I'm obsessed with suicide at the moment, any programme, news story, stuff online, can't stop thinking about it. Could try cmht but then seeing cpn on Friday so I'm anxious about things being uncomfortable when I see her.

I've got all the signs, trying to ignore them but they're not going away.

cjel Thu 11-Jul-13 08:28:22

Morning Gracie, sorry wasn't around last night. Grandchildren then early night!! Remember that the cmht and cpn are there for you to use, they are not 'in charge' of you. give them a ring today,
What obsesses you about suicide?
what signs have you got, I'm not sure what you meant?x

GracieLoo Thu 11-Jul-13 18:54:40

Signs that I had last time I went downhill. Actually getting worse, getting shaky and forgetful now. Got so much dread inside me, don't want to do anything.

Got a call from cmht and the lady I spoke to is going to be in the my appt with the cpn tomorrow. I feel like they are going to make me look like i'm in the wrong, and judge me. I bet they just think i'm causing problems for the sake of it. i don't even know what i'm going to say. That I don't like my cpn? I can't say that so I might as well give up and not bother.

cjel Thu 11-Jul-13 22:19:11

Do you remember when you went to the DRs and he understood what yo were saying and believed you? It may be that the cpn has had other people saying the same things about her and that the lady who will be there is to assess her ?I know its easy for me to say but don't give up and pleasae do bother. It is your state of mind that sees everyone as trying to harm you. It is not the reality.
What benefit do you think they will get by making your life hard?

GracieLoo Fri 12-Jul-13 07:10:23

Really bad night, feel so awful this morning. I'm shaking and feel dizzy and spaced out.

SnowyMouse Fri 12-Jul-13 08:46:34

Take some slow, deep breaths Gracie

GracieLoo Fri 12-Jul-13 09:04:33

I don't want to deal with all this today. I don't understand all my thoughts.

My cpn and the other lady work together so she's going to stick up for the cpn. I bet no one else has said anything, it's just me being awkward.

yamsareyammy Fri 12-Jul-13 09:10:37

Even if it is just you, your points are very valid.
But often, not always, other people have a problem with the exact same person.

cjel Fri 12-Jul-13 10:12:36

You are in control Gracie and you can do it today. There is nothing so far to suggest that cpn and other lady will be in collusion against you. It could be that the gp has arranged a third person to check that cpn treats you properly and as you deserve.
I also think like Yams that you may not be the only person who has said something about the cpn.
Your self esteem is at rock bottom and that means you see the worst in everyone but I don't think they stick up for each other over taking care of you.
\\what time is the appointment?

cjel Sat 13-Jul-13 13:59:59

Gracie,
I haven't been around for a while. How did it go yesterday, what did you do? HOw are you today?

GracieLoo Sun 14-Jul-13 11:49:36

The meeting didn't go too well, dislike cpn even more now. She seemed really unprofessional and defensive, talking over me, shaking her head at me, moaning about being late for her next appt. I didn't get to show her what I had written, she gave me no chance to. And I was put on the spot and asked if I can try to work with her and be honest. I think I'll ring on Monday and say actually I can't.

I ended up in hospital last night having a mental health assessment. I was going downhill rapidly and made a noose over the banister and nearly did it. Phoned a friend who came round and phones 111. Anyway, was given diazepam and referred to crisis team, I think? They haven't rung yet. My friend stayed over til this am.

So now I'm trying to get up and function but I can't. Made a cup of tea and it took too much effort. Chest hurts, head hurts, feel horrible and embarrassed.

yamsareyammy Sun 14-Jul-13 11:57:33

Gracie [hugs]
So glad that you rang your friend.
Agree that you need to say that you cannot work with the cpn.

Your assessment was/is this monday, isnt it?

GracieLoo Sun 14-Jul-13 13:15:59

Yeah it's tomorrow, I've probably messed that up now.

coxspippin Sun 14-Jul-13 13:16:11

i'm glad too you rang your friend- sounds a good friend too.
hugs also.

yamsareyammy Sun 14-Jul-13 14:22:57

Deep down, do you think there was a part of you that was trying to mess it up? If it is alright to ask you that?

GracieLoo Sun 14-Jul-13 14:55:31

The assessment didn't even cross my mind last night, too many dark thoughts took over. Being totally useless today, can't even get out of bed.

yamsareyammy Sun 14-Jul-13 15:03:07

Stay in bed if that is best for you right now.

cjel Sun 14-Jul-13 21:15:45

its ok to stay in bed! another here glad you rang your friend. I don't know how you could have messed up your assessment. The who;e idea is that you can be assessed at the place you are now. it won't be some sort of judgement test where there is a right and wrong way of being. Just be, do and say what you want .They will then assess that.
I hope you don't feel so low today?flowers

GracieLoo Sun 14-Jul-13 22:32:53

Exhausted but on edge, dd keeps coughing and it's panicking me, I don't know why. I can't sleep if she's coughing.

I'm worried about people knowing about last night, want to pretend it didn't happen. I can't face anyone. Feel so emotionless, it's not good. I feel nothing, and I nearly hung myself, just nothing.

yamsareyammy Sun 14-Jul-13 22:40:07

I understand how you cant sleep if kids cough. My kids, some of them were asthmatic, and them coughing disturbs the parent.
Do you know why she is coughing. Some coughs are just coughs.

You are probably temporarily numb after what has happened. Give yourself some time .

cjel Sun 14-Jul-13 22:42:25

That nothing you feel is depression. The very word 'depress' it 'presses' your feelings so you can't find them.Is there a reason for dd s cough worrying you or is it a 'normal' cough?

I am so sad that you still are so low, can you try and get some sleep now as dd will be up soonsmile

GracieLoo Sun 14-Jul-13 22:52:52

It's a normal cough. I can just hear so many noises, I'm in bed but it's too loud. Want everyone to go away. I can't cope and I don't know what to do tomorrow. Crisis team want to see me with cpn so that means they'll discharge me, everyone will get told what I did, then I'll have my assessment but will be emotionless and numb and won't know what to say!

She's still coughing, it's getting to me now.

yamsareyammy Mon 15-Jul-13 07:18:09

Hope her cough is better today.
Thinking of you todayx

ShaggingZumbaStylee Mon 15-Jul-13 07:27:53

Hiya. What are your plans for today?

If you are struggling to sleep due to other noise can you put a familiar dvd on to watch and fall asleep to?

I suffered a terrible set back of my depression 2/3 months ago and I believed I would never get out of it and that is how life would be forever from then. I understand your condition is different but remember that not being able to see it WILL and CAN get better is a big part of what it does to you.

Do you do any exercise at all? Even walking?

x

cjel Mon 15-Jul-13 16:12:08

Hello Gracie, Sorry I'm not around much at the moment, LIfe bit hectic.
Hope you gor some sleep last night. Is dd better?
What time is appointment. Have you been yet?

GracieLoo Mon 15-Jul-13 18:24:15

The assessment was fine, going to be starting soon, finally! She reassured me that it's ok if I'm still struggling, they just don't take on people who are in hospital. Can be in therapy for up to two years, weekly, so pretty intense!

Too tired now to think and reply properly, sorry.

yamsareyammy Mon 15-Jul-13 18:30:23

Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.
Well done you!
Marvellous.

cjel Mon 15-Jul-13 22:14:29

I am so pleased for you,I can't tell you how much I'd hoped to hear that.smile I had several years of counselling, trust me it isn't as bad as it sound, there should be good progress within a much shorter time, it can just take that log to make sure there will be no slipping back.
Am so thrilled you have made my dayflowersflowers
How do you feel about it?

GracieLoo Mon 15-Jul-13 22:40:04

I'm scared it won't help, and then I'd definitely have to end it.

GracieLoo Tue 16-Jul-13 07:15:36

I think I've crashed, I didn't sleep well again, feel so shaky and paranoid, hearts racing and I'm dreading dd getting up and I have to try to function. Why has this happened again? I can move, think, don't want to see anyone.

yamsareyammy Tue 16-Jul-13 07:44:11

Dont worry. I was expecting this to happen. You have been through an awful lot recently. Take your time.
Also, you may well be scared of what is to come.

But you have been given 2 years of counselling. So even if you feel it is going nowhere in the first sessions, you have still got many many more.

So long as your counsellor is half decent, which for some reason I think he or she will be, it will be fine for you.

cjel Tue 16-Jul-13 08:47:23

Gracie, just because you have an appointment doesn't mean you are well yet. Its encouraging that you felt good at all yesterday, try and remember that.As you go further down the healing path you will still have crash days but you will also have glimpses of how your healthy future can be. don't try and fight how you feel today try and go with the flow. Now isn't a good moment but there will be a good one along soon!!

cjel Tue 16-Jul-13 14:20:45

hows the day going gracie?

GracieLoo Tue 16-Jul-13 14:41:08

Tough. Everyone I see is worried and it's making me more panicky.

yamsareyammy Tue 16-Jul-13 15:21:50

Havr you told them about the counselling?

cjel Tue 16-Jul-13 22:03:40

Its horrid when you see that worried look isn't it. One thing i liked about my counsellor was that she normalised my feelings, she wasn't shocked by what i said and didn't make me feel beyond help. I actually remember one time asking if she thought i would be better and she said she had seen nothing in me to suggest i wouldn't. I was so excited i nearly floated home. Is it possible you can recognise it may be sadness for you being ill rather than a look that means you are beyond help?

cjel Fri 19-Jul-13 15:23:42

hello Gracie, have you any idea when counselling may start?

GracieLoo Tue 23-Jul-13 22:27:41

Just thought i would pop back and say I'm not ignoring the last posts, just had a lot going on, also got new support in rl, someone who has been through this and understands. I feel a burden though, and very paranoid, that's why I stopped posting here so much.

I always have a feeling i'm wasting people's time, and I feel like a fraud. I don't know what's going to happen, if I'll ever change, or if things will get too much one day. If they do, I really hope people will understand.

I still haven't got a date for therapy, and been left with no support while my cpn is away. But I've given up caring now, I don't want to see her when she gets back, not missing her appts at all. Nervous about the therapy but hope it's soon.

I know no one cares, but felt rude not replying. Thanks though.

Caster8 Wed 24-Jul-13 10:01:48

We care Gracie.
Very glad you have new rl support. Always felt that you needed that.
I hope therapy is soon too. x

cjel Wed 24-Jul-13 10:11:24

Glad you have help, try not to feel a burden, people wouldn't help if they didnt want to. I found the though of my first few counselling sessions really scary, but soon realised it was safe and wasn't going to hurt me. I suspect that as you have fought so hard for help that you will succeed in getting better< it'll be when rather than if.how did you find rl helper?

cjel Thu 25-Jul-13 09:59:22

in a strange way it may be a good thing that cpn is away,she gave you so much stress when you thought you had to see her at least it will give you a break from that.xxx Hoping today is good for youflowers

cjel Thu 25-Jul-13 21:51:13

still thinking about you graciexx

cjel Sun 28-Jul-13 23:43:36

Hello Gracie, Hope you'e had a good weekend, still with rl support.x

jitterbug85 Mon 29-Jul-13 11:23:07

how are you doing gracie? still thinking about you

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