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Regretting abortion

(154 Posts)
Namechanger012345 Fri 07-Jun-13 01:22:40

I had an abortion nearly 3 weeks ago and I feel awful about it. I feel so much regret I don't know how I can get past it.

Night time and early morning is the worst, I just lie in bed and can't stop crying. I keep thinking about my baby and wishing I was still pregnant. I feel sick thinking about what I've done and I have that kind of hollow sick feeling in my chest like I've made a terrible mistake. I can't believe I actually did it. I spent weeks on the decision and for the first while I could hardly even contemplate abortion as a serious option. I felt so panicky and upset even thinking about it. Then when I decided to do it I think I just made myself zone out about it and it didn't even feel real so the reality of what I did didn't hit me until days later.

I feel like I ignored my emotions and gut feeling to just go with the decision that was "right" based on logical reasons, and I know they were good reasons, but emotionally it feels so hard. I know it wouldn't have been emotionally easy at all either if I had kept my baby because we would have been struggling and it would have really hurt to see my child growing up like that, so maybe how I'm feeling now is still the better option, but I keep thinking what if...

I feel guilty and sick and exhausted and ashamed of myself, and I feel so jealous of people I see with babies. I feel like I desperately want to go back and change my decision but its pointless even thinking that.

I know it's all my own fault but it just hurts a lot.

kotinka Fri 07-Jun-13 01:39:41

you've been through something very traumatic, our brains go over situations like this time and time again in an effort to process it.

please try to tell yourself your reasons for making your decision when these thoughts come up, even if it feels repetitive. you put time and emotion into your decision, it must be the right one for you. feeling guilty isn't helpful and there's nothing wrong with realising that right now wasn't your time to have a child. all the best xxx

Prawntoast Fri 07-Jun-13 01:56:10

I'd echo what kotinka said, keep reminding yourself of those logical reasons why it was right for you to take the action you did.
Go easy on yourself, there is no reason for you to feel ashamed, you did what you felt was right in your circumstances.
I had an abortion a few years ago, I had like you thought it through very carefully but it didn't stop me feeling regretful about what could have been and I did have some tears, quite a lot actually. But I kept thinking about why I did it and I did start to feel better, it took a few months to get back on an even keel, it's a grief process and it takes time.
Take care of yourself

Namechanger012345 Fri 07-Jun-13 02:11:57

There really were lots of reasons, a lot of them financial but also that my relationship is not the most serious and I wanted my child to have more of a stable family and a better dad. But now he that he can see how upset I am about this my boyfriend is saying we should get more serious and maybe we can think again about a baby next year. I think this is making me feel worse. I would love to have a baby next year, I would have loved to have one now, but the situation won't be much different then so if we did it would invalidate all the reasons for not having this baby and it would be like I gave this one up for nothing. I wish he had been more enthusiastic about this one if he's now saying he wants us to have a baby. If he had been properly on board we probably could have made it work out even if things wouldn't have been ideal.

Namechanger012345 Fri 07-Jun-13 02:12:31

Not that I'm trying to blame him. In the end it was my decision and I have to take responsibility for it.

NotDead Fri 07-Jun-13 02:23:33

oh how awful for you.. but feeling this is only a reflection of what a deeply caring and considerate person you are. No wonder you feel genuine feelings of grief. That's because you are generous with your feelings and feel tgem rather than ignore them. I guess your partner is trying to say the right thing but I can see how, at your weakest, its adding to your regret. cPlease forget this.. its false regret for a future that doesn't exist. feel deeply your current grief and work through it withouf making decisions on the future..the future waits fine on its own.

Salbertina Fri 07-Jun-13 07:47:40

Am really, really sorry to hear that. Would you consider counselling?

Re dp, i imagine he feels a tremendous amount of guilt and this may influence what he's saying/promising/committing to now. I imagine neither of you can possibly have any real clarity right now. Accept this. Don't push it away. Give yourselves time.

You made the right decision for yourselves at that time, that's the best any of us can hope to do.

Take care.

Crawling Fri 07-Jun-13 07:59:02

i regreted my abortion. 10 years on as I was still having difficulty with It I had therapy I like You had good reasons amd zoned out. At therapy I wrote a letter to the unborn child saying everything I wanted to amd chose a way to remember and greieve for the pg I chose to name a star may I suggesties when your ready You give the above a try. Sorry for spelling im on my phone.

Namechanger012345 Fri 07-Jun-13 10:46:08

Notdead, thanks

Salbertina I remember you were on my other thread I had about making my decision (I had a different name) and were really nice and helpful so thanks for listening then too. The counselling I had pre decision from Marie stopes was not helpful, and I also had to contact their aftercare people about some side effects and they were also useless then, so I don't want to try their post abortion counselling in case it makes me feel worse. Maybe I should try some other separate counselling but I feel wary about it. I've had counselling for other unrelated stuff in the past and never found it really helped me much. I think I go in with the attitude that they can't help, so it doesn't sad

Crawling thanks, I'm sorry you struggled with your decision for so long and I'm glad you found a way to deal with it.

I'm in the middle of exam season and I'm just supposed to be studying but I feel like I can't concentrate.

Salbertina Fri 07-Jun-13 10:55:13

Hello again smile I did wonder but didn't want to presume or out you. For what it's worth (seeing as I'm a stranger), I think you made absolutely the right decision based on what you knew then. You could not have foreseen anything. You have a wonderful opportunity you have slogged years to reach and an uncertain relationship. A baby into that mix could have been your undoing.

A friend of mine made a similar decision and years on, having created her career and met a suitable guy, she's had a lovely ds. She says she no longer regrets her decision. At all. Otherwise there wd (probably) be no ds as he is, no dh and a much less healthy career.

Maybe you need to accept that you are grieving. Which is legitimate. And maybe just to BE in whatever way comforts you and gives you refuge in hard times.

No need to rationalise anything at all. Let yourself grieve and recover.

Namechanger012345 Fri 07-Jun-13 11:16:08

I'm trying to remind myself that if things all work out in the end and I have children in a few years in more stable circumstances then everything will have been for the best and I won't have to regret my own lost opportunity.

But I do feel sad about this particular baby. Yes in a way I think I am grieving but it feels like I don't really deserve to be grieving because it was my own decision so I feel guilty for even feeling that way confused

TheRealFellatio Fri 07-Jun-13 11:22:27

You HAVE to try to remember that at the moment your body thinks you have had a spontaneous miscarriage and it has gone into a sort of hormonal mourning. One minute it's PG and the next it isn't, and it takes a while for your hormones to find their equilibrium again. Exactly the same thing happens when you give birth to a baby - you get the 'baby blues; after a few days which can make you uncontrollably and irrationally weepy, and that in turn can become full blown PND. And that's with a baby. confused

Try to keep focused on the fact that this is hormonal, and NORMAL. You made your decision rationally and based on sound judgement. What you are going through now is not a sign that you did the wrong thing, or that you will forever regret it. It's a perfectly normal physiological process.

I remember feeling very similar after my termination for a few weeks - for me it was not that I wished I'd had the baby, just that I couldn't understand why I suddenly became so depressed and weepy for no apparent reason afterwards. Once it was explained to me it all made sense.

I think people who have abortions under duress will use this perfectly normal period of hormonal rebalancing as justification to tell people that they should not terminate because they will feel devastated afterwards. They interpret that as someone changing their mind and regretting their decision - which is wildly simplistic, and an unfair projection of their own hang-ups onto others, imho. Chances are you'd still be going through this even if you could rationalise it completely and say hand on heart that no part of you was ready for a baby.

But even if a part of you was ready, you know why you chose to terminate, and your reasons were very sound, very sensible and ultimately unselfish. Having that baby now would have been all about you. Having a baby later in a better place financially, and in your relationship, will be about doing what's right for the outcomes of the baby.

ThoraNomiki Fri 07-Jun-13 11:22:29

I regretted my abortion terribly. I made the decisions for all the right reasons too but it took a while for my heart to catch up with my head. I never truly 'got over it' but I am now married to a great guy and have a beautiful daughter and now I'm glad that I made the decision that I did.

Please try to forgive yourself and when you find yourself dwelling on your loss- remind yourself why you made that choice, focus hard on studying so that you can make life for you and your potential future children as perfect as possible.
Take it easy and let yourself feel sad sometimes. I found it helped to write things down.

I know it's an awful cliche but Time will help. Do consider speaking to your GP if you feel you are struggling

Salbertina Fri 07-Jun-13 11:24:26

Of course you feel sad about this little baby, of course you do! That is legitimate, you are "allowed". Nothing you chose/did detracts from that.

harrap Fri 07-Jun-13 12:40:54

Just want to support what everyone else has said. Allow yourself to feel sad, it is sad, but you did what was best at the time and thinking about what might have been is a form of self-inflicted torture.

Be as compassionate to yourself as you would be to a close friend.

You know, so many women have been through this but yet it is still something of a taboo subject. I had a termination over 25 years ago. If I think about it I feel sad and sometimes I think about the child I could have had.I regret having become pregnant but I can't honestly say I regret the termination. I, like you, did what I thought was best at the time.

I think it is good advice to try and really concentrate on you studies.

RaRaZ Sun 09-Jun-13 14:43:10

OP , exactly the same happened to me. Mine was two months ago now, but I've never been able to forget it for a minute because everything went wrong and even on Friday I was in hospital again because of it all. That's by the by though. I know how you feel, and my god it's terrible; I wish I could make it better for you. I don't think anyone should ever have to feel the way I did, and it breaks my heart to read your post. I contemplated suicide because I couldn't see another way; I just couldn't cope with life as it had become. It does get easier - because your hormones start to calm down - but you need to help yourself too. The pain may never go away. I'm very aware that I'll carry this regret with me to the grave, and I'm desperate for another chance, but ultimately we've got to live and carry on and make the best of our lives - you and me both. I've found the following helpful:

Conception Support tablets (Boots) - I figured that, if the vits contained are what a woman needs to be healthy enough to conceive, mebbies they'd help me recover from a draining pregnancy. They have, most definitely.

Agnus Castus and Evening Primrose Oil: good for your hormones and regulation of your cycle

St John's Wort: not for everyone, and can interfere with almost every drug you can think of, so be careful if on any medication, but has done wonders for my mood and my ability to cope

Counselling: I know you've said you don't want to, but what about going to someone other than Marie Stopes? I'm having counselling with a midwife-cum-counsellor at the hospital, and she's helped me a lot. I don't feel quite so evil or stupid any more.

Sleep, exercise, being healthy: I'm a health freak anyway, but dragging myself out for a run when I really wanted to curl up and die has probably been the best thing I could do - it took some of the stress away and gave me some much-needed endorphins.

Helping others: there are people much worse off than me. I have a job where I have to look after others, and it's helped. If they were miscarrying/pregnant/had a small child, I might've teared up or needed to take a few deep breaths, but ultimately I think being able to do for them what no-one did for me was helpful.

Trying for a baby: too soon, some might say. But we don't think so, and it's giving me strength, courage, and something to aim for. I just want a second chance.

OP, I wish I could make it better for you. It's shit. It broke my heart and I don't think I'll ever be the same again. But you CAN carry on. Keep talking to us here - MN has made such a difference to me; there's something incredibly therapeutic about the support of caring strangers. Keep talking. Don't bottle it up. PM me if you wish. Take care.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 09-Jun-13 22:24:07

I just wanted to post something in support OP. I am a strong believer in fate - i believe if something is meant to be, it will be, if it isn't then it wont happen. So do allow yourself to grieve, you made the best decision for many reasons as you say, that doesn't take away how hard it must be for you. I am sure your reaction is quite normal, please give yourself some time - if things don't improve after a while go and see your GP and ask about counselling. xx

Namechanger012345 Sun 09-Jun-13 23:07:18

Thank you for all the messages

Raraz, sorry you are going through the same thing. I also had a few complications afterwards and follow up hospital appointments etc, although it turned out to be nothing too serious in my case (just an infection, no retained products or anything) but I think it did make it harder to move on. I will try some of your suggestions - my mum has been recommending Agnus castes for years so hopefully it's worth a try!

I think good sleep and exercise would help a lot, but my sleep is terrible at the moment and I'm trying to resist having to go on sleeping pills because I don't like how I feel on them. As for exercise, they said do none for 2 weeks, and as I was having really heavy bleeding, huge blood clots etc I stuck by that and haven't started back on any exercise yet. My favourite is swimming so I really need to wait until I've completely stopped bleeding since they said don't use tampons until my next period... I am going to start introducing some kind of exercise back into my life this week though as I'm just feeling really blah without it and I did put on some weight while I was pregnant.

Managed to have a day yesterday where I didn't cry, so that was an improvement. Still feeling really sad and keep thinking about what might have been but I'm trying to make myself accept it.

All the best to you too raraz, hope you can come to terms with it too and it starts to hurt less. I hope everything works out for you and good luck ttc.

claraschu Sun 09-Jun-13 23:11:55

My sister had an abortion. A year later she had my wonderful, kind, beautiful, brilliant, caring nephew. He is an amazing person, and the best son she could ever have. They are very close (he is 25now). If she hadn't had an abortion, my nephew would never have been born.

MaterFacit Mon 10-Jun-13 07:57:28

I had an abortion in 2010. I knew I would abort as soon as the blue line came up on the test and I never changed my mind or wobbled before the procedure.

Afterwards I was completely wiped out and mentally thrown off balance and I spent months crying and being upset. I felt guilty and sad and like a terrible person and there was a strong undercurrent of regret. However it faded over time, lessening bit by bit. By 6 months the feelings had subsided to a sadness that I had been put in that position and had to make that decision rather than regretting the actual abortion. Now I have no regrets just a faint twinge of sadness. I can see how hard it would have been to have that baby and my life is moving on, the logical reasons asserted themselves again.

I know it's hard but you do need to try to take care of yourself. Sleep, good food etc, see it as medicine for your mind and body. Abortion is a big shock to the body and I found my immune system took a while to recover, so I was constantly getting low level illnesses and then a couple of big ones which made my recovery so much harder in the end.

RaRaZ Mon 10-Jun-13 10:46:18

OP , how are you feeling today?

Namechanger012345 Mon 10-Jun-13 12:49:37

Thanks for asking. flowers

I'm still feeling kind of the same but I have an exam today so I have to just focus on that for the next few hours.

My boyfriend is supposed to be staying over tonight and part of me keeps thinking I hope I get pregnant again soon confused but when I actually think about it for a second I know that is ridiculous because even if I did it wouldn't change what I've done or bring that baby back, and we would still have all the difficulties we had to consider before. The circumstances really are not good, so really these feelings are completely unreasonable and unrealistic, but thinking about being pregnant again kind of makes me feel better... But then I think it's a totally unrealistic fantasy in my case so then I feel stupid even thinking about it. If that makes sense...

Salbertina Mon 10-Jun-13 13:56:56

Hope exam goes well, OP. it will all be worth it, you'll get there. I had a miscarriage and afterwards had similarly raging hormones for months. If you can be at peace with this and just think "ok, feeling broody again." And wait for feeling to pass (and it will) and try to distract yourself. It is a horrible time but you will move on.

kotinka Mon 10-Jun-13 15:42:05

I was the same after a miscarriage, wanted to be pregnant again so badly.

But the reasons for not having a child right now are probably still there. Take time over any decision about becoming a mum at the mo, your hormones and emotions may be ruling your thoughts for a bit yet.

Good luck with the exams xxx

lissieloo Mon 10-Jun-13 15:45:23

OP, I'm afraid I have no advice, but I just wanted to say please, PLEASE don't take Angus Castus without consulting a herbal expert, it can delay conception and mess up your cycles horribly. It's a very powerful herb/drug and should never be taken without the proper advice. I was extremely ill after taking it for just a month.

RaRaZ Mon 10-Jun-13 21:45:15

It's the same with any drug - everybody reacts differently. But I'd suggest you're in the minority lissieloo as a lot of people use agnus castus to great success to regulate their cycle, reduce menstrual cramps, ease menopausal symptoms, and stimulate ovulation. A herbal expert wouldn't be able to predict how the OP would react to it - she'd need to try it and see if it works for her. If it's no good, she can easily stop.

lissieloo Mon 10-Jun-13 22:44:05

I'm really, really not. Honestly, using AC is a very very bad idea without consulting a specialist.

lissieloo Mon 10-Jun-13 22:48:53

If you are already ovulating then AC can seriously screw up your cycle, it took me 9 months to get back on track, it shortens your cycle which is why its prescribed for ovulation issues and affects your cervical mucus as well as causing minor contractions. There are lots of threads on here and on places like fertility friend about how bad it is if taken without consultation.

Namechanger012345 Mon 10-Jun-13 22:57:45

Ok interesting, thanks for the info on that. I didn't know agnus castus had an effect on ovulation, fertility etc. That makes me a bit wary. I don't really know anything about it tbh!

I think my exam okay was okay... Not great but I don't think it was terrible and at least it gave me something to focus on for a while.

EMUZ Tue 11-Jun-13 00:01:58

I terminated on the 14th of May. I feel heartbroken, angry and the grief is incredible
I've actually been to the doctors who have put me on a high dose of citalopram to try to help. It was a feeling of I don't want to die, I just don't want to be here. Kept having crying outbursts of just sitting sobbing for hours and I feel like I need to punish myself for it
Guess what I want to say is you're not alone. Someone gave me a forum link, I've signed up but you have to wait for activation
passboards.org smile

kotinka Tue 11-Jun-13 12:58:30

EMUZ sounds like you're going through a really bad time, I feel for you.

Branleuse Tue 11-Jun-13 13:22:53

youre in the middle of a massive hormonal crash, which is similar to baby blues. They dont always mention this when you go in for a termination but i had a low patch afterwards which did pass when my hormones went back to normal.
Be gentle on yourself, and remember that we all make decisions that are right for us at the time we make them. There was no "right" decision here, because to carry on with the pregnancy would have had its own problems and would not have necessarily been any easier.

Please dont feel guilty x

RaRaZ Tue 11-Jun-13 20:04:29

I think you need to make your own decision on Agnus Castus rather than be guided by other people's experiences. Some people here have obviously had bad experiences; I've had nothing but good - it's the only thing that rids me of period cramps (and the only thing that really helped with pains during pregnancy and cramps after both TOP and MC, incidentally), has never caused me any side affects and hasn't stopped me ovulating (which I know as I've been pregnant twice since starting to take it). However, none of us are YOU, and everyone's different. I'd suggest you try it and see for yourself - but I'm a big fan of herbs and I really believe in giving them a go. You may feel differently. I'd recommend doing your research so you can make an informed decision.

However, that's getting away from the real issue of you coping. How are you feeling? I hope things are getting better. They honestly will - though it may not feel like it right now. I hope someone's looking out for you x

MaterFacit Tue 11-Jun-13 22:36:30

Thinking of you today OP, hope things will look a little brighter soon.

Namechanger012345 Wed 12-Jun-13 00:03:41

Had a bad day today. I slept really badly in the night, eventually did sleep in the morning and then didn't get out of bed til about 4pm because I just couldn't make myself feel motivated to do anything. Feeling so sad and empty.

My boyfriend stayed over last night and we had sex for the first time since the abortion which stirred up some weird feelings.

Emuz, sorry you're going through this too. It's shit isn't it?

EMUZ Wed 12-Jun-13 00:42:03

It is utterly shit thanks
<un MN hug>
I have a coil fitting on Friday and I'm dreading it. Never had one before and my termination was so painful
Not sleeping well and falling asleep at 4-5am then waking up late and not sleeping at night again
I wrote something but I don't know whether to post it

madasa Wed 12-Jun-13 07:08:40

You made the right decision based on your circumstances at the time. Remembering this was one of the things that helped to get me through.
You are grieving Namechanger, be kind to yourself.

flowers for you and for Emuz

RaRaZ Wed 12-Jun-13 13:37:22

OP , I wish I could change things for you. That's exactly how I felt, and I've had more nightmares since the TOP than I've ever done before; they were every night (sometimes more than one) at first, and now still several times a week over two months later. It's not easy at all, and your mind and body need time to recover. I've suggested things that helped me, but ultimately we're all different and you need to find something that helps you, something that eases the emotional pain/makes it easier to deal with and something that helps you find a goal to push forwards with your life. But remember that it's ok to cry.

If you don't mind me asking, how far along were you when you had the TOP, and what 'weird feelings' did sex conjure up for you last night?

LongWordsBotherMe Wed 12-Jun-13 13:44:12

I'm sorry you are both feeling like this. One organisation that does offer post abortion and pregnancy loss counselling is care confidential. They might be worth a google as they can talk on phone or online.

Namechanger012345 Wed 12-Jun-13 15:11:49

I was 10 weeks.

Weird feelings because I felt like I desperately wanted to get pregnant again but at the same time I also felt scared of getting pregnant again, because I know the circumstances are still the same and realistically they're not the right ones for having a baby.

Also I have some issues to do with being raped when I was 17 which I never fully managed to get over (I am a lot better at dealing with it now than I was at the time, but its never really completely gone away...) and after the abortion when I had checks because of very heavy bleeding they did an internal examination which was quite traumatic and triggered rape memories for me (I know it sounds pathetic) and I have been having flash backs and feeling bad about that too. There were some of these feelings when we had sex especially as it was quite painful at first. I don't want to feel like that about it and I know he would never hurt me on purpose. It did feel fine after a while but I bled a bit the first time.

This morning I also felt really really angry at a friend who said something like that she thought I was feeling better, and keeps making crap suggestions like if I can't sleep drink some hot milk. I know she is not being nasty but I feel like she's completely minimising my feelings and not recognising how overwhelming this is at the moment. Just adds to the feeling of being alone and no one "getting" it. I know that's not true and lots of people have felt like I do, but it just feels lonely in my head at the moment sad

Namechanger012345 Wed 12-Jun-13 15:12:12

Thank you long words, I will google them.

LongWordsBotherMe Wed 12-Jun-13 15:33:37

I hope that they can be useful, I know they do pregnancy crisis counselling too.

EMUZ Wed 12-Jun-13 15:35:40

Definitely look at passboards.org
It has loads of helpful stuff and a forum thanks
I hate it when people have said "oh you should be over that now"

kotinka Wed 12-Jun-13 15:44:51

namechanger it's hard (impossible imo) for someone who hasn't been through it to have any idea of the pain. I guess your friend means well but that would drive me nuts too.

RaRaZ Wed 12-Jun-13 16:15:08

OP : I was 14 weeks and it was agony for me too, so guess I know where you're coming from, sadly. I'm sure your friend means well, but it really is impossible for anyone who hasn't been through it to understand; the feelings, both mental and physical, are like nothing else and I don't think anyone could ever truly put themselves in your shoes. Of course you shouldn't be 'over it'. There's no 'should' about it - it'll take as long as it takes and you're better (imho) to let it take it's course than fight it. It's gonna hurt, but you have to allow yourself to have time to come to terms with it.

Re the rape, I'm really sorry to hear that. You're not stupid or pathetic at all - in fact, I think you're really brave! I cried my eyes out during the first four internal exams/scans I had and found them uncomfortable/painful without having your history. They're horrible for anyone, and much more so with what has happened to you. Don't be ashamed for feeling like that. I think you're brave to be in a relationship and having sex full-stop - I had an abusive ex, and I felt like I'd never trust a man again. You're doing really well, but you still need time to heal. x

Salbertina Wed 12-Jun-13 16:31:35

Op- teally sorry to hrar how youre feeling and the more so abiut your rape. A lot to deal eith.

If it helps, completely true that others have said, people don't get it if they haven't been through it and may therefore end up- unintentionally saying some really invalidating/hurtful things. I think they just don't know what to say. A good friend said to me "don't know why you're upset, you've got plenty of time to have another" shock Many years and 2 dc later, that's forgiven but not forgotten.

Salbertina Wed 12-Jun-13 16:32:03

Oh god, sorry for typos! Bloody iphone!

Namechanger012345 Wed 12-Jun-13 22:15:33

Another exam tomorrow and I have barely managed to study. I'm trying to make myself concentrate but I keep ending up staring into space and then realising loads of time has passed.

RaRaZ Wed 12-Jun-13 22:42:39

I was the same. Still am sometimes. Usually I'm always busy and flying around doing stuff; now I can waste whole days doing not very much. It's grief I suppose. Good luck with your exam. Could you ask for mitigating circs to be taken into account?

Namechanger012345 Wed 12-Jun-13 23:18:43

I can either sit the exam or defer it, but if I take it and mess up then its basically too bad. There are no mitigating circs that they can use to improve the grade or anything. I think if I can make myself get up, go in and do it I will pass and it will probably be okay. It definitely won't be a great mark because I feel slow and kind of fuzzy and detached but I should scrape by and luckily my average from the earlier exams is high so I have some room to lose marks. What I'm worried about is whether I will even be able to go or if I will feel like I can't face it. I didn't even get dressed til about 6 pm today. The problem with deferring the exam is that if I do then I might not be allowed to start my job in the intake I'm supposed to be in. If I have to defer the job it will cause me all sorts of problems, like I have no idea what I would live on til the next entry opportunity, so I do want to take it tomorrow, but just concerned that the last couple of days I have barely felt able to do anything and have just about managed to get up and get dressed.

I'm realising I need to be honest with the doctor, tell her how I am feeling and maybe accept that I might have to go back on anti depressants and/or try some kind of therapy again. I don't like any of that and I always want to cope on my own but its not clearly working very well at the moment. I feel like everything is too much.

Namechanged11 Thu 13-Jun-13 00:13:12

I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling. Reading your posts is like playing back a tape recorder of exactly how I was feeling 3 years ago. I too spent weeks agonising over the decision, went through with it at 9 weeks for sensible, logical, "head" reasons, rather than following my heart, and I had good reasons for why i did it. I immediately felt the overwhelming regret you're experiencing and was an emotional wreck. I know you will be feeling so lonely at the moment, because other people don't know what you're going through and I didn't feel I could talk to people around me about this. But please be assured there are many, many people out there who have been through what you're experiencing, some of them will be feeling like you are right now. You are not alone, you are not the only person to have ended up in this predicament, lots of us out there have been there. The sad thing is that it's such a hidden experience that we don't get to hear about the fallout from these decisions, or get the real emotional support from people who truly understand, until we go through it ourselves.
I think the main thing I wanted to say was that after trying to get over this on my own for a few months, and not succeeding, I did two things. I did see my GP and I was really honest about how I was feeling, and what had happened, and cried while i was in there, and the gp was very understanding. I was offered the opportunity to come back and ask for antidepressants. I'm sure I could have actually started on medication straightaway had I wanted to, and I really do think this may be the way forward for you, I'm a great believer in antidepressants rather than carrying on struggling to cope. However, the biggest thing that helped me was getting counselling, through care confidential, the organisation mentioned further up the thread. I needed to face the pain and talk up front about how I was feeling, even though I didn't want to and had to make myself go. But I did really make progress doing that. It still took time, several months of weekly counselling. Please - don't delay with this, go and talk to your GP now, don't feel you have to carry this burden on your own any longer. If the nhs counselling wait is a long one (it was in my area), please speak to care confidential or perhaps another counselling organisation to get linked up with some support.
I'm hoping by telling you a bit about me and my experience, you will believe that you can start to feel better and get through this, of course it will take time. But please try and find the strength to phone and speak to someone to make an appointment. It's so hard to ask for help I know, but its really important. I am really thinking of you, and really hoping you start to feel a bit stronger and brighter. Best wishes for your exam too.

RaRaZ Thu 13-Jun-13 20:50:05

Namechanged has put that brilliantly, OP , you should heed her words. Like she's said, there are a lot of us out there - you've found me and her already and we've been through/are going through exactly what you are. There ARE people who understand - don't ever feel alone.

Re counselling, did you have the TOP at a hospital? If so, call the ward/department and see if they offer anything in terms of counselling. My hospital does and I'm seeing a counsellor there who is also a midwife and it's helping a lot.

How was the exam?

Namechanger012345 Thu 13-Jun-13 22:32:29

Thanks

I had it at a Marie Stopes clinic. Their counselling was really very poor (I had phone counselling before hand, some guy who made me feel worse) and their aftercare was also really poor and in my case actually quite dangerous as they told me over the phone that I sounded like everything was probably fine, when actually when I saw my GP she sent me urgently to the hospital. I never want to deal with them again! To be fair the people I dealt with face to face in the clinic were nice, but I don't trust them with counselling now. My local hospital has not been great either. I am going to contact care confidential as mentioned above once I have made it through my exams and I will also see what my GP can offer or recommend in terms of counselling. I have my next doctors appointment on Thurs, which is mostly supposed to be for further gynae issues following up my hospital appt but I am definitely also going to raise the mental health issues with her.

The exam today actually ended up okay I think. It wont be a great mark but I think I passed. I was really close to deferring as I didn't feel like I could face it at all, but I talked to my tutor and found out that if I took the exam later I almost definitely wouldn't have been able to start my job as planned and would have had 6 months to wait so I just did it. I'm really grateful for that tutor. I have been venting stuff at her since I found out I was pregnant and didn't know what to do and she has been massively helpful.

RaRaZ Fri 14-Jun-13 10:41:03

Sounds like contacting Care Confidential is a really good idea for you then :-) Do it as soon as you can - and let us know how you get on.

Good on you for the exam! You never know, you might surprise yourself and do better than you thought. ....but really, as long as you've passed, that's a huge achievement right now.

Namechanger012345 Sat 15-Jun-13 13:27:47

Don't want to call anyone to talk about it until after my last exam because I need to try to focus and I don't want to go into my feelings too much. I think it will help to talk but I think it might make me worse first. I'm still feeling so sad. I should have been 14 weeks pregnant by now.

EMUZ Sat 15-Jun-13 18:13:20

You're not alone thanks
I am avoiding talking because I think I might just have a meltdown. I didn't get any counselling at all beforehand

RaRaZ Mon 17-Jun-13 09:29:34

I didn't get any beforehand either - and what makes me mad is that they could've stopped all this happening so easily as I only did it because a family member had frightened me into it. If someone on the outside had sat down and talked to me about it, they could've made me seen that I COULD do it so easily. I think pre-counselling should be mandatory to avoid precisely the situation we three (and thousands of others of course) are in.

I also think that, whilst of course I have to take responsibility for the decision for myself, it wasn't very appropriate for the staff to go ahead with the procedure for a girl they'd seen crying hysterically over what she was about to do FOR HOURS, who they had already sent away from the ward to 'think' once and who still returned in a state, and who they already knew from the day before was regretting taking the first pill. I think they should have had a duty of care to MAKE me go home/see a counsellor and return another day, not merely ask the question of someone they knew was too afraid to think about it any further.

OP , how are you feeling?

Namechanger012345 Mon 17-Jun-13 21:35:49

Sorry raraz. That sounds wrong. They shouldn't have done it if you were like that. I'm really sorry. My pre counselling was useless but on the actual day I was acting calm, numb and not quite accepting it so in my case i cant blame them as at the time they had no indication I would go on to regret what I did.

Just checked back to the thread to say I'm not really okay at the moment.

I had my last exam and feel like maybe for a bit I can now stop trying to hold it otgether in font of everyone and just take some time to acknowledge how i feel, which is horrible. I have doctors appointments again on Thursday so I'm hoping it will be helpful if I speak to her about the depression coming back which im scared it is, but it might make me worse because I'm supposed to be seeing her about the supposed endometriosis (don't tknow if I talked about that on this thread or only my other one in family planning about my side effects)

RaRaZ Tue 18-Jun-13 02:01:02

I'm not surprised you're not ok; you've had an awful lot to deal with and no time to actually face how you're feeling. Now your exams are out of the way, don't be afraid to cry, break down, hide away, whatever you need to. It's ok to let your emotion pour out, and you'll probably feel better for it.

Do you have an understanding doctor? Tell her about this - to hell with what you're 'supposed' to be seeing her about; if the depression and the aftermath of the TOP are more troublesome to you right now, make sure you tell her that and get help for how you are feeling. Wishing you all the best x

EMUZ Tue 18-Jun-13 02:24:32

Hi lovely. I think it does get better. I hope so anyway. The tablets my doctor gave me are helping, I don't cry as much now. Had a sad moment doing my follow up pregnancy test when it (obviously) was negative
You are doing amazingly just to do exams, I'm still off work at the moment as not sleeping well and struggling to face people
I feel like I want to hide away a lot. Can't stand bloody Facebook either, every time I go in and see a scan photo or a congratulations message I just want to shout "where is my congratulations, I got pregnant and can't talk about it" sad
Missed my coil fitting appointment so I have to go for that but I am seeing the woman I had my coil consultation with. She made it better when I explained the situation by just holding my hand and saying "it's shit, isn't it?"
I can't even think about sex, it feels dirty and wrong to me, can't stand the thought of anyone touching me
Sorry that was a mass of text blush
But thanks and I think it's the whole grieving thing plus a massive hormone crash and all your emotions. I bought a ring which says "this too shall pass" on it and when I wear it, it's like a little reminder of my pregnancy and that things will improve

Namechanger012345 Thu 20-Jun-13 01:00:38

Thanks for your encouragement xxx

I've been crying a lot and I do think it helps in a way, kind of just to allow myself to feel my emotions and not bottle everything up. Everything still feels very hard but I'm glad I at least have my exams out of the way and hoping I have passed.

My doctor is nice and understanding. I suppose my appointment tomorrow is a general catch up. I primarily booked it because a doctor at the last hospital appointment when I had a scan and internals to check for retained products wrote on my notes that I have endometriosis (without saying anything to me!) so I need a follow up on that. Last time I spoke to my GP I was really very upset about everything so I don't think she will be surprised if I tell her I'm not coping well. The endo thing just makes it worse because when I first saw that on my notes I had a huge panic because I don't know much about it but had just heard of it as something that can impact fertility so I felt even more regret about my decision as I would never have done it if there had been any question of me having a condition that could cause me fertility problems in future. I felt like what if I have thrown away my only chance. I have calmed down about that for now because I've heard it is often not very serious and the fact I got pregnant by accident shows my fertility is probably not awful but I'm still a bit worried about what will happen with that.

I do still wish I had changed my mind. Trying not to think that as it can't change anything. My friend upset me because she clearly thinks its stupid that I wish I was having my baby and was having a bit of a go at me saying like why am I saying that because I wouldn't have had enough money and we would have had a crap life... I know it would have been really hard and that was a big part of my decision but now I feel like if I had gone with my heart we would have managed somehow and I don't want to be lectured about it as if I'm an idiot for how I feel.

Emuz I know what you mean about the negative test. When I saw my empty scan when they scanned for retained products it felt horrible thinking last time I saw it there was a tiny baby blob and now nothing sad and this morning I threw up (drank too much yesterday...) and it made me feel sad because I felt like I should still be having morning sickness not drinking til I'm sick

I like your ring idea. There is a piece of art I want to get to remind me of this baby and hopeful future babies. It's nothing weird like not a big pic of a baby or anything... No one else would know what it meant.

EMUZ Thu 20-Jun-13 02:04:20

I know exactly what you mean with the change of mind and what your friend said
I guess it kind of feels like you can't talk about it or express that you wanted the baby in any way because people say "oh well you made your choice"

RaRaZ Thu 20-Jun-13 15:14:45

Sorry OP , do you mean you didn't know you had endometriosis till you saw it written on your notes?! If so, that's bang out of order on the doctor's part. Really sorry to had to see that and find out in that way - but a lot of people do go on to conceive without problems, and I reckon you're right in that seeing as you've conceived accidentally once, hopefully you can conceive if and when you want to in the future. My understanding is that endometriosis doesn't usually render you infertile unless it's severe.

I'm also angry at your friend now too....I think that was an exceptionally uncaring thing to say. Right now, that's not what you need to hear, and I think your friends should be LISTENING rather than voicing their opinions too much. You're very right: it would have been hard by the sounds of things, but that doesn't mean that you couldn't have done it and done it well, and it certainly doesn't mean that you shouldn't wish that you still had the option to do it. I know I do.

I think your art idea is lovely :-) I plan to get a tattoo with the dates of the babies I've lost (had an mc too).

Namechanger012345 Thu 20-Jun-13 18:58:41

Yeah exactly I had no idea about possibly having endomiotriosis or anything like that beforehand. The doctor doing the check ups after was mumbling something about me having some kind of adhesion but when I asked her she wouldn't tell me anything about it, then after my scans and internals I just saw she had written it on my medical notes! After seeing my GP today though I feel reassured that I actually probably don't have it. I don't really have any of the symptoms and my GP says the scan info does not show anything suspicious at all. So she is unsure why the other dr even mentioned it, but she says I shouldn't be concerned, so that was really reassuring. The extra worry about fertility problems was making all this harder so I'm glad I can forget about some of that.

My friend is trying to be supportive and trying to remind me why I made my decision, so I don't want to be angry at her, but sometimes I do get frustrated with some of the comments.

I'm being referred for counselling. The GP wants to hold off on anti depressants for now and see if I can work through my feelings before going to medication, which I think sounds reasonable. Hopefully I will get a decent counsellor who can help. Had another good cry at my GP appointment today and a catch up with my tutor who saw me the other day when I was in a complete state before my exam that I wanted to defer, and she says I seem a bit more together, so I guess I am improving even though I still feel really really sad. I am starting to sleep a bit more at least, which does help.

Hope you guys are coping too and things are getting easier x

RaRaZ Fri 21-Jun-13 08:38:22

That's shocking! I honestly can't believe the conduct of doctors sometimes! What happened to 'First, do no harm'??? How about mental/psychological harm?! You really can't go scaring people like that! I think that's dreadful, but I'm so glad that in all likelihood you're fine. Makes it worse that the doctor did that though.

I know what you mean about infertility worries. I'm convinced that I'm not 'fully' fertile in that I don't think I ovulate every month. I have no evidence whatsoever for this as yet, but I'm convinced of it and it's driving me to insanity as we are ttc. Now, obviously, I got pg to need the TOP. After that and a subsequent d&c, I got pg again and sadly lost it in a mc. So clearly I can get pg, but now we're trying and I should be ovulating now I think, but the home poas tests show I'm not and I'm beside myself, convinced that I won't be able to get pg. I really NEED to be pg again before the due date of the 'original' one (October) and I dunno how the hell I'm going to cope if I'm not.

I'm glad you're getting referred for counselling. How long will that take? And is it with a specialist maternity counsellor? I was lucky enough to get in straight away with a midwife-cum-counsellor who deals with women who've lost babies at any stage and for any reason. She's been really good at helping me understand and come to terms with it. Mind, I've still got a long way to go - had a complete breakdown and took an od the other night. I just wish I could turn back the clock.

Namechanger012345 Fri 21-Jun-13 09:50:50

I'm so sorry about your od. I can understand why October means something to you but I think you should try not to put so much importance on that date for getting pregnant again because you don't need extra pressure and extra hurt attaching to what is already a painful date. Still October is quite a few months away so there is every chance you could be pregnant again by then, or soon after. I really hope you get your baby. Stay strong. How long have you been trying? Cant have been many months yet? I know you probably feel really impatient but you will get there. A lot of people take a while. Really very sorry about your mc too x

My due date would have been December 13th. I hope I am coping a lot better by then but I'm sure that day will be hard. I'm still feeling baby crazy like every cell of my body just feels like I need a baby, but I have to keep my logical head and remember why I made my decision, and I know it's not a great idea for me to plan to have one until I fully qualify in my job, which will be 2015 and feels forever away...

The counsellors I'm being referred to are part of my GP surgery. My GP reassured me they are good and I should try. She said they should get me in within a couple of weeks.

I'm also definitely going to try care confidential. I have been looking around for different counsellors and organisations that either offer therapy in general or specific post abortion counselling and it doesn't look like there are that many. Care confidential looks the most promising. My tutor found me a place that does counselling for women on any topic but it doesn't look like I'm eligible to go because I'm technically not in the right borough. I will still ask though.

Slept terribly again last night because I was googling to find helpful organisations and it seems like there are a lot which on first glance look like they want to help you, but when you look in more detail they are slyly disguised pro life sites, which seem to want to use people's pain and regret as something to take away other women's choices with, kind of saying "look at these people and their mistakes, don't abort because you'll feel devastated like them".. I do think it could be made clearer how difficult this is emotionally e.g. Personally I felt that counsellors and advisors did not necessarily acknowledge it enough and were too keen to just tell me I could abort and would not be doing anything wrong but using peoples grief like that seems wrong to me.

RaRaZ Fri 21-Jun-13 12:42:01

Thanks :-/ I feel like you do: desperately needing a baby and doing everything I can to have one. I've gone mental on supplements and I'm considering buying Clomid online as I'm not sure I ovulate every month. I've also got home poas ovulation tests and I'm going crazy with worry cos I haven't ovulated yet and I 'should' have done. We have regular sex anyway, but I'm terrified of 'missing the slot' and I'm worried about having a period (first one since January) and how the f I'm gonna cope with that and everything it means. I'm desperate to be pg again. I think that's partly why I spend so much time on here: it's a way of immersing myself in all things pregnancy- and baby-related.

I think you're being sensible with regard to timing starting a family for once you've qualified, but bear in mind that once qualified, presumably you'll need to find a job and won't be able to take maternity leave for at least a year... I'm planning to train in something different once I've finished my current studies, so I'll be hopefully starting uni again in 2016 and I want at least one child, preferably two, before then. So I kinda feel like I need to do it quickly and I'm terrified that maybe my body won't co-operate.

I might look into Care Confidential too... Do they charge? I can't afford anything :-( Good luck for your counselling.

I agree with you totally about the lack of info you're given about abortion. I found that no-one wanted to answer the 'hard' Qs - I found out most of what I knew from the internet; medical professionals just wanted to tell me it would be easy and over before I knew it. I also feel that they shouldn't have let me go ahead in the state I was in - I feel it was very obvious that I wasn't emotionally ready to make that decision. x

Namechanger012345 Fri 21-Jun-13 22:46:26

This is care confidential www.careconfidential.com/Default.aspx I can't see anything about fees on the page but they are a charity so I'm assuming they will be free or just ask for a small amount.

When I qualify I will hopefully get a permanent job in the same firm (most people do) so I would be able to take maternity leave any time without having to wait and build up entitlement to it. People might be a bit hmm if I did get pregnant straight away on qualification and go on mat leave but it makes me feel better to know that from then on I could much more easily do it as I should be in a much better situation to have a baby. Obviously also depends how my relationship develops as well. Good that you seem to have a supportive partner who wants to try.

How old are you by the way if you don't mind me asking? (I'm 26) I don't know that much about fertility stuff particularly but have you been to a doctor about it just to check if you're worried you're not ovulating?

Namechanger012345 Sun 23-Jun-13 11:27:33

Still feeling completely shit. I was supposed to go to a party yesterday but I really really didn't want to so I decided that I wouldn't because its too exhausting trying to act like everything's fine and like I'm having fun. My friends don't understand. I don't want to drink a lot because I was starting to want to hurt myself when Im drunk and its scaring me.

I just wish I could turn back time and change my mind sad I know my reasons were "good" and maybe in the future I will eventually be glad I did this but now none of my reasons are making it feel any easier and I don't feel like they are enough. Just feel like I hate myself for what I did. Emotionally I knew I wanted my baby so I don't know why I gave up so easily. Looking back at things I wrote when I was deciding I clearly knew I wanted to keep it and was desperately looking for ways to make it work so I feel like I shouldn't have given up. I had planned so much - it would have been very hard but not impossible. I know it's no one else's fault and was my decision but I just wish someone had tried to tell me I could do it. I was basically surrounded by people telling me I shouldn't have it and I felt like they thought I would be a rubbish mum but I shouldn't have cared what they thought. I wish I had just given myself some extra time and listened to my emotions sad Maybe if I had spoken to my mum and sister it would have helped because I think they would have supported me in wanting to keep it.

I feel selfish feeling how I feel because we wouldn't have been a perfect family and I don't want a hard life for my children, but none of that changes the fact that I still want my baby so so much and I wish I hadnt done this it all just really hurts.

Can't believe I did something so huge and permanent if I wasn't sure.

Sorry for venting here but I haven't been given a counsellor yet and I don't know who I can talk to.

RaRaZ Sun 23-Jun-13 13:13:02

This site is for venting I think - in one way or another, we all are. Don't feel bad for using it like that :-)

Sorry you're feeling so bad. I know exactly what you mean - I think what bothers me the most is that no-one actually turned around and told me not to be so stupid when I was thinking of having the termination; like with you, everyone I told seemed to think it would have been a majorly bad idea to have a baby and no-one had anything positive to say about it. It's really hard to know where to turn when all you need is for someone to say "It'll be ok" and no-one will, and, without putting words in their mouth, you can't even prompt them to say it. Why didn't you tell your mam and sister? Perhaps you were scared of their reaction... I told my mam and she was the one who pushed me into the termination. I wish I'd never told her. Sometimes the people you think will act in your best interests actually don't.

Maybe it would have been ok for you. I tend to think now that anyone can make it ok if they try hard enough. But what I think you need to work on accepting now is that what's done is done. You CAN'T change it and you can't turn back the clock no matter what you do. It's shit, it hurts, and you'll probably never forget it, but you have to use it as the toughest lesson you'll ever learn and move on and have that life you want to have. Carry on with your studies, do well in your exams, get that job you want, and above all SUCCEED - because you can. You feel like you've made a big mistake right now, but that's not a reason to throw everything else away. Form that life you want to have and make yourself ready to have that baby and that family you want. Next time, everything will be perfect because you want it so much.

If it makes any difference, the 'baby' (foetus) didn't know what happened. You haven't hurt anything or scared anything. Your body doesn't know what happened either; it thinks there was a spontaneous mc. Only your mind knows what really happened, and your mind can heal and learn from its mistakes.

I'm 24. We hope to have a baby next year now. My GP won't do anything atm, but if I'm still not having regular periods in a couple of months, they've said they'll take bloods to take my hormones. I've just got a positive result on a poas ovulation test though :-D So I guess I'm ok for this month. Shame I'm loaded up with cold, but we'll try anyway. Fingers crossed. I'm really scared of not being able to get pg again and having months of unwanted periods like so many people do. I'm not sure I could cope with that after everything that's happened.

Please don't hurt yourself, OP. It won't change anything and it won't make anything better, but you risk entering a cycle of self-destruction. You're obviously an intelligent and motivated woman; you must know that that's not the way forward. Keep talking. Make sure your bf knows how you're feeling too - I stopped telling mine because I thought he was sick of hearing about it, but turns out he wasn't at all and genuinely thought it wasn't bothering me any more. Ask for help when you need it. Take care hinny x

Namechanger012345 Mon 24-Jun-13 01:36:16

Thank you

Im glad you keep replying and someone is listening but I feel really alone. My boyfriend is being unreliable. He was supposed to come over after he finished work, which is always late but he said he would be here by about 11:30. Now past 1 am he has not showed up nor replied to my texts. I feel like he is completely taking the piss. He knows I am not feeling good. We talked about it a bit this afternoon when I saw him for a couple of hours. I feel like he "tells me off" when I cry. He can't deal with emotional people. In one breath he says its okay, he loves me, lets have a baby in a year etc... then he says things like I have to move on or else I will lose him. I told him that is a really horrible thing to say and how can he say that?! (Ok now he eventually called at like 1:20 and apologised, still at work, left phone downstairs etc.. whatever...)

My friends are also losing patience with me. I know I'm not fun to be around but I feel like they are sick of trying to support me. One friend has actually been a good support. Another has not really done anything and barely asked how I am. I briefly talked to her today when really at a low. She was surprised I even felt bad, seemed a bit like "get over it", told me she had to go and would call back in 10 min but never did.... And then I ended up apologising to her. Wtf.

I feel like I'm in a hole that I can't get out of. I can't enjoy anything at the moment. I can't see any way to make any of this okay. I feel like in the future maybe everything will be okay but I don't know how to eat from here to there when currently I have fucked everything up so much and I can't fix it.

Namechanger012345 Mon 24-Jun-13 01:39:02

Get from here not eat from here!

Namechanger012345 Mon 24-Jun-13 03:47:31

Really really low, I called the Samaritans, not sure what I thought they would do. I spoke to some lady who was quite nice but she couldn't really do anything. It kind of helped a bit just to talk but obviously they can't change anything. Today has been one of the lowest days. Feel completely hopeless.

EMUZ Mon 24-Jun-13 03:53:27

Are you ok? I know you're not but I'm up if you want to talk

Namechanger012345 Mon 24-Jun-13 03:56:22

Thanks. Just feel so angry with myself and with everyone. People keep telling me I have to move forward but how?!?!

EMUZ Mon 24-Jun-13 03:56:57

Just read your other post. You have NOT fucked everything up. You have a right to feel however you need to feel whether that's angry or sad. And you also need to let yourself grieve. It's not been long at all, I am still off work following mine
I howled and howled for weeks, couldn't face anyone. I had to go to the GP in the end and he's given me medication because I was so low
There is something called post abortion syndrome, it also is similar to PND because you had all the pregnancy hormones and now you've had a massive crash
Ignore anyone who says you should be over it or doing this or that. Be selfish, this is about your feelings and NOBODY can tell you how you should feel or how long to feel like that for

EMUZ Mon 24-Jun-13 03:58:33

Anger is good, it's part of healing. You might then feel down or depressed or bargaining "if only..."
It's normal, healthy, grieving

Namechanger012345 Mon 24-Jun-13 04:03:47

Thank you. I know everyone is different and maybe some people would have started feeling better by now and others haven't, and I haven't... I suppose the process can vary a lot and its probably normal. Im sorry youre still feeling so bad too xxx Feel like everyone is going to start hating me if I don't go back to my normal self. I'm a mess now and not fun at all, and I can understand that people don't want to look after me. Some "friends" dropped me after I had a bad depressive period a few years ago and I don't want it to happen again. I already feel alone as it is.

I did read some stuff about post abortion syndrome on the page you linked before. A lot of it does sound like how I am feeling.

EMUZ Mon 24-Jun-13 04:06:37

I felt like I should be back to normal. Definitely not. Am not really leaving house and can't stand anyone touching me. Think some of it is hormonal though as my first period started today
Think maybe people think its easier than it is. I guess I always thought have a termination, back to normal. Isn't until you have been through it that you can appreciate the range of emotions that comes with it
If you need to see your GP and get medication or counselling then do, it's not being weak or a failure

Namechanger012345 Mon 24-Jun-13 04:13:52

I knew it would be hard and I could hardly bear the thought of it, it felt "wrong" (for me emotionally, not a judgement towards anyone else) all along so I wasnt even really truly considering it at first. I don't understand why I then went on and did it when I felt such an emotional resistance to doing it. There were all those "sensible" reasons and I somehow convinced myself that I "had to" do it.

I was at my GP on Thursday and I got a counselling referral. I will phone them first thing to arrange the appointment and I hope it doesn't take long. I really think I might need medication again but so far the doctor said she wants me to try the counselling first. However I didn't really tell her quite how desperate I'm feeling.

EMUZ Mon 24-Jun-13 04:19:11

For me financially and practically it was the right decision. In my heart and emotionally I'm not sure it was.
Something I thought about this week (and it might sound stupid) was about people saying time heals, like a wound. Every day that open wound closes a little and you're tempted to pick at it and reopen it. Eventually it heals into a little scar, just a tiny reminder that something happened and feels a bit different but it doesn't hurt any more
Take all the time you need, you really do have to be selfish. Try and concentrate (this is what the doctor told me) on eat, sleep, get out the house every day. Anything on top is a bonus for now

Namechanger012345 Mon 24-Jun-13 04:38:51

I'm the same. Financially and practically, yes. Heart, no. I feel like I don't care about practicalities now but I know that is not completely realistic. However now I feel like it would not have been impossible. It would have been difficult but I could have made it work if I tried harder and I can't stop wishing I could go back. Obviously I can't, but how do I stop obsessing over that thought?

I know time really does heal but I know it can take me a long time. As I mentioned further up the thread I was raped nearly 10 years ago and that pain never fully healed and disappeared but it did improve a lot with time, eventually, but I was a huge mess for years. I think I got used to feeling a little bit of constant hurt that is manageable, not overwhelming anymore but always just there somewhere deep down... It's now kind of a shock to feel something so strong and raw again. I don't know how long this will take to heal and how I can carry this around in addition to that.

I think your doctors advice seems good. I should probably try and sleep now. Its light outside, birds singing... I'm supposed to be meeting my brother and SIL for breakfast at 10 and I'm not sure what kind of a fit state I will be in.

Thank you for listening and being here. It helps to know someone understands. I'm sorry you are having to go through this as well. It's so hard. Hope it gets better for both of us one day at a time.

How are you feeling now? You should be sleeping too x

Alanna1 Mon 24-Jun-13 04:45:13

I've not read all the above but I think what you are feeling is totally normal. But remember, you now know you can have a baby, its great that this seems to be making your bf pick his socks up, it IS easier to have a baby when you are through exams and more financially secure in a job and that security is GREAT for the baby. And maybe even maternity pay for you smile My mum had two abortions before she had us - she says she doesn't now regret that decision at all, having children at the best time and place for MUM is important. And with the right man for you. That's why its a woman's right to choose. Big hug, chin up, cry when you want too, do think about talking to your GP. You thought carefully about an extremely difficult decision and made the best choice you could - you will make a wonderful mummy one day as that's what you do with kids all the time and part of growing up with kids is teaching them that sometimes having to wait a bit is the best possible thing. Good luck.

Namechanger012345 Mon 24-Jun-13 04:48:09

Thank you Alanna

EMUZ Mon 24-Jun-13 04:49:47

My sleep pattern is messed up and I have 4 days to reset it before I go back to work confused
I'm in a habit of up very late so then I don't wake up until afternoon then can't sleep at night. Going to force myself out of bed tomorrow morning to try and get back some routine

EMUZ Mon 24-Jun-13 04:54:47

Posted too soon. Damn iPhones grin

Think I'm realising I'm stronger than I think. I've been through what they thought was an ectopic pregnancy to it not being, had 3 ultrasounds, 6 blood tests and a termination all on my own. Was a bit sad today when I realised nobody has hugged me in nearly 8 months. Craving affection but not sexual, just someone to hold me for a while which probably sounds odd. Think I've grieved but also think it may rear it's head again at some point and may have to face counselling
Not sure whether the total revulsion to sex is grief or my medication. Maybe both

Namechanger012345 Mon 24-Jun-13 04:58:05

Aw emuz, doesn't sound weird at all. Sometimes you just need a hug. Defintely normal. I would give you a hug if I could! Good luck readjusting the sleep. I'm going to try to get a couple of hours. Good night

Namechanger012345 Mon 24-Jun-13 11:59:13

Phoned to get the counselling appointment referred by my GP and just got voicemail. Phoned the centre my tutor recommended and they said they can't help me because I don't fit the criteria (age and borough). Phoned care confidential a few times and it is always engaged. I just need some help and it doesn't seem to be easy to actually get any. I know it's not a big deal to make a few phone calls but I feel so incapable at the moment that I'm exhausted even trying and failing to get anyone to speak to me.

Namechanger012345 Mon 24-Jun-13 12:06:04

Managed to get an appointment with care confidential now. Feel relieved that I have at least managed to make some kind of step to get some help. Going to try and sleep again, sorry for constantly updating.

EMUZ Mon 24-Jun-13 16:06:15

Don't apologise smile
Well done. My getting up early went well <eye roll> grin

RaRaZ Mon 24-Jun-13 23:17:33

Heyyyy. So sorry I wasn't up in the night when you two were struggling - feel like I should've been here to help; we could've all cried together so to speak. How are you feeling today? I hope you both got through it ok.

I'm having a hard day: I was convinced I was ovulating yesterday (we are ttc), but I took a digital test today and it was negative - so no arguing with that. It's been 2.5 weeks since my D&C, so I should've ovulated by now...terrified that the price I'll pay for the TOP is not being able to conceive again.

EMUZ Mon 24-Jun-13 23:43:54

I'm ok, been to the gym and eaten well so that's good. First period since and it's a bit weird

Namechanger012345 Tue 25-Jun-13 00:12:39

Aww raraz 2.5 weeks is nothing. Not that I know anything about it but if things take a few weeks to settle down I would expect that is probably very normal? I'm sure it will all happen for you.

Hope you two are doing alright. I am feeling a bit better. A bit numb at the moment, kind of cried out for today. Doesn't exactly feel good but better than yesterday. I'm conscious I'm doing some things I tend to do when falling back into depression, shutting people out, feeling paranoid, thinking everyone is against me. At least I can recognise these feelings and try to stop them.

I said I would go back into my part time job tomorrow so I need to be able to sleep tonight. I can pretty much come and go as I like so I haven't been in for ages.

Sleep well guys x

Namechanger012345 Tue 25-Jun-13 01:04:49

By the way when I say 2.5 weeks is nothing I'm not trying to say its nothing to be upset about. I can understand why youre upset. Trying to be encouraging but not sure if it came out wrong x

Allalonenow Tue 25-Jun-13 01:22:43

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so low, Name, but it is very early days for you yet. Take things one day at a time, try to rest as much as you can. Your hormones will be dancing the fandango which won't help your emotional equilibrium.
Hope you have a calm night and can get some sleep xx

Allalonenow Tue 25-Jun-13 01:23:29

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so low, Name, but it is very early days for you yet. Take things one day at a time, try to rest as much as you can. Your hormones will be dancing the fandango which won't help your emotional equilibrium.
Hope you have a calm night and can get some sleep xx

RaRaZ Tue 25-Jun-13 11:31:51

Emuz : I can well imagine. I haven't had a period since 3rd January now and I'm TERRIFIED of my next one. I know everyone's different, but is yours any worse/better/heavier/different from normal?? Hope you're coping with it ok; I think it's a horrible reminder of what has been.

Name : I didn't take that the wrong way, don't worry. You're probably right...I'm just desperate for this to be a normal cycle so we can actually try for a baby and I'm fretting more and more the longer it goes on. I'm convincing myself that there's something wrong with me. Doesn't really help that after my last D&C, I ovulated and got pg immediately (lost it, as you know, but compared to that time, this ovulation seems way overdue).

Also, Name , have you spoken to your bf? Reading your posts last night, I don't like the sound of the way he's treating you. Everyone recovers at different rates and manages things in their own way, so I'm not expecting you two to deal with this in exactly the same way, but this is your bf! He should be there for you whatever, be your first point of call for everything, he should make every effort to understand what's hurting you and why, and if he still can't understand, he should hold you anyway. I'm worried that you don't have enough support at home; things seem to be very difficult for you.

EMUZ Tue 25-Jun-13 12:19:25

It's just odd really, like the start of my period but never actually getting started if that makes sense!

RaRaZ Tue 25-Jun-13 12:59:31

You haven't bled much you mean?

EMUZ Tue 25-Jun-13 13:37:45

Yeah and it keeps stopping starting, brown to red... No idea what's going on

RaRaZ Tue 25-Jun-13 14:11:26

Weird. How long since your TOP again? Mebbies the lining of your womb hasn't managed to build up much so there isn't much to lose..

EMUZ Tue 25-Jun-13 14:19:41

It was may 14th

RaRaZ Tue 25-Jun-13 15:32:28

Ok. How do you feel? I think it's funny the things that bring it back... I'm a mess right now: just had an argument with my dad for interfering and imposing his opinion on something where it wasn't wanted (he's very forceful and, by his own admission, thinks that anyone who doesn't share his opinions is a fool), and it just brought it all rushing right back: the last time I listened to my parents and took their opinion was when we made the decision to abort and it was the worst decision DP and I have ever made; it's still hurting us now nearly three months later, I'm still not back to myself physically or mentally, and we don't know if I'll actually ever be totally ok after all they had to do to me when stuff went wrong. I'm supposed to be doing a uni assignment today and instead I'm sat huddled in the computer chair crying my eyes out cos I just can't deal with what has happened. It's shit.

EMUZ Tue 25-Jun-13 15:39:36

I'm ok. That's about it really not happy or sad. Had a good workout at the gym yesterday which helped. Coil fitting tomorrow though which I'm worrying about

RaRaZ Tue 25-Jun-13 17:00:13

I find the gym helps me a lot too, as does running - I go out trail-running through the wood nearby and there's no-one around except me and the odd deer and rabbit, which is great. I really enjoy it and come back feeling a lot better.

Why are you worried about the coil fitting?

EMUZ Tue 25-Jun-13 17:34:02

Never had one, had no DC and worried about pain a bit. Have nice female doctor who said she will use anaesthetic gel

RaRaZ Tue 25-Jun-13 17:59:39

Yeah, that's fair enough. I had one a few years ago (prior to the current mess!) and they couldn't get it in at the GP as my cervix wasn't sufficiently open. I had mine put in under general anaesthetic in hospital. After an abortion, your cervix should be open enough to allow them to do it easily enough I would think.

Are you sure the coil is what you want? Plenty of people swear by it, but for me it was a bloody nightmare and I got it out after eight months.

EMUZ Tue 25-Jun-13 18:11:44

Yeah hoping because I dilated during termination it will be ok
Am going for copper coil. Doc has refused pill to me, can't have injection (h/o osteoporosis) and can't have implant. Bit limited

RaRaZ Tue 25-Jun-13 18:56:43

Refused the pill??? Why? (If you don't mind me asking - hoping I'm not nosing into anything too personal, but seems like an odd thing to do...)

Namechanger012345 Tue 25-Jun-13 21:11:57

Raraz the problem with my boyfriend is that its not really a serious relationship. We had not known each other that long when I got pregnant and although he is now saying he wants us to get serious it does kind of seem like all talk at times. I really like him (most of the time) but he can be a very frustrating person and emotionally he is quite cold. I am generally quite emotional (as you can probably tell from all my ramblings on here...) and he doesn't like it when I am sad or finding things difficult because he doesn't know what to do! He is definitely not my first port of call when I need support.

I usually go to my best friend but at the moment I'm trying not to lean on her as much because I don't want to over burden her and I'm also a bit upset by a few things she has said so I'm now wary of saying too much because I probably won't like her responses.

So... I don't really have anyone I want to go to at the moment. First counselling session tomorrow though.

Sorry you were having a shit time today. Hope you got your assignment done or if not don't worry, can you get an extension or anything if you need it?

Emuz, good luck with the coil fitting! I would be nervous too but I'm sure it will all go well and hopefully not be too uncomfortable.

EMUZ Tue 25-Jun-13 21:57:24

It's ok. My BMI meant I couldn't have the nuva ring or pill even though my blood pressure etc is spot on and I exercise like a mad woman

RaRaZ Tue 25-Jun-13 23:07:33

Oh Name , that doesn't sound too good at all! How long had you been together when you got pregnant? An unplanned pg is always a difficult thing to deal with, but it doesn't sound like he's been there for you at all... Are you sure this is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with and have children with??? I don't want to cast judgement on someone I don't know, but you sound like such a sweet and genuine person....I think you deserve better. It kinda sounds like half the trouble you're having at present is because of him... :-/ Have you had a good and proper think about this?

Sorry Emuz , I still don't understand: I don't know much about this tbf, so sorry for asking you to spell it out - but do you mean your BMI is too high or too low for the pill/Nuva ring?? I had no idea BMI was even an issue :-/

EMUZ Tue 25-Jun-13 23:56:38

Too high. I smoke so I'm higher risk

Namechanger012345 Wed 26-Jun-13 00:14:17

We had only been seeing each other for about a month at the time, obviously not long enough to really know each other at all. I suppose we are still getting to know each other properly now. I think in normal circumstances I probably wouldn't have put up with some of his behaviour e.g. lateness, not calling when he says he will, but I feel a connection to him because of this. Sounds stupid but he is the only link to the child we would have had so somehow I feel like I need him because of that. I know that's not really a reason to stay in a relationship if its not right... Not sure if I can imagine him being the one for life. I think I sometimes get carried away thinking we will be fine, we'll have another baby and be a happy family but I know it might be a bit unrealistic or me just hoping. He does say that's what he wants but I can never quite read him.

We would have a much better chance if he would just stop being such a workaholic and giving all his energy to his business and only a tiny bit to me.

I don't think he is actually causing any problems, just not really offering a whole lot of help either. He does have a lot of good qualities too. Feel like I've been a bit mean just saying he's unreliable, workaholic, cold...

RaRaZ Wed 26-Jun-13 10:45:26

Emuz : I see. That's a bugger. I hope the coil works out for you though :-)

Name : You poor thing, you sound really confused about where to turn and what to do. Pretty crap, hey? Don't feel bad about saying that about your bf if it's true. You don't have to make a decision right now - as long as he's not actually hurting you or anything, you've got all the time you need. If it's not too personal, are you using something to be sure you won't get pg again atm? Sounds like it would be a bad idea for now, at least until you've sorted out whether this guy really is the one you want to father your children - it's one hell of a big commitment! I totally understand you feeling that connection to him though; it's not stupid at all. You carried his child hinny - even if not for a long time, that's a hell of a thing to do and not something easily forgotten. Don't beat yourself up for feeling like you need him.

Namechanger012345 Wed 26-Jun-13 11:10:15

Yep I'm on the pill now. We were only using comdoms before. I know you're right it's not a good idea to want to get pregnant with him again right now if I don't even know how I feel about him. Part of me wishes I would though every time (probably hormones I know) I do think he would have been/would be a decent dad in some respects...

Getting ready for counselling. So tired.

Namechanger012345 Wed 26-Jun-13 11:11:46

Condoms not comdoms haha I do know how to spell, not sure what that was about!

RaRaZ Wed 26-Jun-13 11:49:20

Haha :-)

Did you get pg whilst using condoms then or did you 'slip up'? Sorry for the nosiness, just curious. I didn't think I could get pg (long story) so we weren't using anything. I know how you mean about wishing you would get pg; it's hard to stop wanting it when you've already been pg. I think next time you get pg you need it to be with the right man - a man who's going to always be there for you AND your child/ren. Mebbies that's your current partner, mebbies it's not - give yourself time to work it out :-)

Is counselling today then? Best of luck hun; I hope it goes well and I hope you come out feeling more positive. x

Namechanger012345 Wed 26-Jun-13 14:04:06

Yes, while using condoms. My two friends who I talked to and a nurse at the hospital were all a bit hmm about that but its honestly true! No idea how it happened, maybe one of those unlikely sounding scenarios people used to freak out about as teenagers like getting pregnant by getting a bit of precum on your hand and touching yourself, god knows confused

The counselling appointment turned out to not really be proper counselling yet, just them talking about what services they have and how it's going to work. They have a waiting list and also its going to be difficult to fit it in with my new job once I start because it has long hours, so I need to work out how I can do it. I do want to do it. They also said its very early days really and people usually wait longer before doing their programme. Not sure how much longer I can take feeling like this.

EMUZ Wed 26-Jun-13 14:09:09

I am going for my coil at 3pm. Been so worried all morning. Feel pathetic but after how painful the termination was I can't face much more, and it feels so invasive too
Have ignored instructions on "simple pain relief" and gone with cocodamol and ibruprofen

Namechanger012345 Wed 26-Jun-13 14:28:08

Good luck!

RaRaZ Wed 26-Jun-13 15:10:09

Name : Funny that they were so disbelieving - it has to happen to someone or else why would they warn teenagers about it all of the time! The success rate is only 98% or something, so someone somewhere is always going to get pg using them. Unlucky mebbies, but it happens.

How do you feel about the counselling people then? Do you think they'll be able to help? Not sure I like the comment about people usually waiting longer... :-S Seems like a funny thing to say even if it's true; everyone's different after all.

Emuz : You'll be in as I type then I guess. Hope it's going well. Hopefully it'll be a lot easier than you think. Let us know.

EMUZ Wed 26-Jun-13 15:22:22

Still waiting. Sat shaking in waiting room. Same clinic I came to for my termination. Think it's frightening because I don't know what to expect

Namechanger012345 Wed 26-Jun-13 15:24:30

I think it might help. I definitely feel open to it and want to try. I feel like that in itself is some kind of progress because I have had some bad counselling/therapy experiences in the past and never felt like it would ever be able to help me so at least my attitude towards it seems a bit more positive now,

I think they were just trying to warn me that it might feel a bit much for me at the moment as everything is still feeling so raw. They weren't saying I couldn't do it (well I have to go on the waiting list so it will take a while anyway) but just sort of pointing out that I haven't had much time to deal with this yet so no wonder it hurts so much right now. How soon afterwards did you start your counselling?

Namechanger012345 Wed 26-Jun-13 15:25:55

As emuz that must be a bit of a weird feeling that its the same clinic. I hope the doctor/nurse whoever you deal with is kind and understanding with you being nervous. It will be over soon!

RaRaZ Wed 26-Jun-13 15:44:14

I understand that totally Emuz - I've had to go back to the same bloody ward loads of times because of problems in the aftermath. For my first D&C, they even put me in the same bed I'd had for the TOP! They seemed to think this was a 'nice' thing to do :-S

Name : Yeah, fair point. How long is the waiting list? I had my TOP 11th April. I started counselling in late May, just in time to have my MC :-/

EMUZ Wed 26-Jun-13 15:54:22

All done smile
I cried when she did the internal but I fired the speculum out. Again. grin
Fab, she was amazingly supportive and I didn't feel a thing except my legs shook when she clipped my cervix

RaRaZ Wed 26-Jun-13 20:53:10

Well done :-) Clipped your cervix?!

EMUZ Wed 26-Jun-13 20:55:13

Yeah to hold it still. Not sure what the correct thing is but she called it a clip to stabilise it

Namechanger012345 Thu 27-Jun-13 01:38:00

Glad it all went fine.

Just wish I could switch my brain off. I went to a concert of one of my favourite bands, thought I might be able to relax a bit and stop thinking, but no. I did enjoy the concert but still just replaying things over and over and over, trying to work out how I could have made such a huge mistake.

Psychologist assessment through my GP tomorrow. Might have to cave and ask to get some sleep meds. I hate them but I have been feeling quite unstable and lack of sleep makes it worse.

I don't know how long the waiting list is through care confidential and not sure if I will be able to start the nhs counselling straight away after this appt tomorrow. Hope so.

RaRaZ Fri 28-Jun-13 12:39:25

That doesn't sound very nice, Emuz. They didn't do that for me as far as I remember when I had the GP do it, but god knows what they did when I was in hosp under anaesthetic. Not sure why it has to be held still? I mean, it's not exactly gonna go anywhere far, is it?

Hey Name . Re the sleep, I bought some valerian root tablets yesterday as I'm struggling to sleep properly too. Might be a coincidence, but I took two last night and slept like a baby. You should have a look for them.

So you must be at the GP today. Hope it goes well - let us know.

RaRaZ Sun 30-Jun-13 23:01:00

OP , you're very quiet. You ok???

Namechanger012345 Mon 01-Jul-13 20:10:14

Thanks for asking. I'm ok. Still finding things tough but over the last couple of days I have started to feel a bit more myself again. Still not happy with my decision but trying not to be so hard on myself for it. What's done is done and hopefully I will get my chance again to be a mum within the next couple of years.

Didnt like the NHS counselling and just emailed now to say I don't want to continue with it. I got some sleeping tablets from the GP so had a couple of good nights sleep on those which helped a lot. I was a bit scared of sleeping tablets as the ones I had before always had bad side effects but these ones (zopiclone) are much better.

How are you?

RaRaZ Mon 01-Jul-13 21:19:09

I'm glad you're seeming to turn a corner. As you say, what's done is done. I've been trying to look at it that way too, but it's really really tough as you know. I'm finding it especially hard as I desperately want a baby now so I've found myself in the rut of ttc and panicking that I won't, and I feel more stupid than ever for throwing away the chance I had.

What was the problem with the NHS counselling? I'm sorry it didn't work for you, but glad you're getting some sleep - nowt ever got better from being overtired. Hopefully things are on the up now x

Allalonenow Mon 01-Jul-13 22:34:42

Sending you good wishes Name. Keep your chin up, go easy on yourself.
Look forward to any plans you may have in the next few months, and promise yourself that you will make the most of all your opportunities.

Get as much rest as you can, give yourself a little treat every day, a muffin (!) the sweet cake, an icecream, a bunch of flowers, a book, anything to give you a small lift. Take care.

Namechanger012345 Mon 01-Jul-13 23:53:08

The counselling just seemed totally useless. She literally just repeated back whatever I had said, but rephrased it slightly and was like "so you're feeling.... blah blah (whatever I just said)". I have heard of people doing this to show you they're listening and try to make you feel they understand but it was sooooo obvious and awkward. I was sitting there thinking "yeah yeah, how is this going to help anything?!" doing this face hmm in between sobbing at her. Not great! Felt like I would be better off dealing with it on my own. However, the other counselling through care confidential did sound like it would be better when I went to meet someone from there last week because its so focused on this issue and they seem to have a clear structure and route to accepting it and moving on, just going to be tricky scheduling it but I still think I will try with that.

Still feeling baby desperation but less panicky about it. I think my hormones must have calmed down a bit finally. Did have a weird moment in Boots earlier where I felt like I wanted to get a pregnancy test even though there is absolutely no reason why I should need to test or suspect anything confused

Good luck with your ttc. I really hope it happens for you soon, just need to give it a little bit of time. Hope things are on the up for all of us on here.

All alone thanks, funny you should mention muffins cos I just bought a blueberry muffin earlier that I'm going to have for breakfast tomorrow!

EMUZ Tue 02-Jul-13 20:38:14

I'm still here. Appear to have developed vitiligo for the first time ever. White patches on my hands, suspect stress induced sad

RaRaZ Tue 02-Jul-13 22:01:44

Hey guys,

That sounds really crap with the NHS counselling, Name . I'd say the counsellor was lacking in skills there - I've some basic counselling training myself, and it shouldn't be like that! Like you say, that forms a part of it, but it should be much more. Sorry you had to go through that - can't have made it any idea.

Know what you mean about tests - think I've taken so many over the last few months that I keep having a desperate urge to take another - even though, like you, there's no need. Odd. Keep thinking I'm way overdue to take one :-/

You ok Emuz ? Is the stress just from this or is there something else going on?

Sending you both hugs xx

EMUZ Tue 02-Jul-13 22:57:11

Just this really and all the arguing with my parents over it

RaRaZ Wed 03-Jul-13 11:33:12

Why, what are you parents saying? Do you live with them?

RaRaZ Wed 03-Jul-13 14:43:18

Having a clear-out and just found a positive pg test I forgot we'd kept. Breaking my heart here; dunno what to do.

Namechanger012345 Wed 03-Jul-13 15:22:51

Ah that must feel hard. Sending you good thoughts. I chucked mine out ages ago but I do have a photo on my phone of 3 positive tests in a line that I sent to my friend on whatsapp the day I found out when I didn't quite believe it and was feeling all ahhhh what?!! Feel a bit weird now if I see it but kind of don't want to delete it like it never existed.

EMUZ Wed 03-Jul-13 16:11:34

No luckily I don't. They aren't really talking to me much. But they're the reason I terminated

RaRaZ Wed 03-Jul-13 19:39:30

Same here Emuz :-( Crap, isn't it.

Thanks Name. Feel like shit after that tbh.

EMUZ Wed 03-Jul-13 19:48:59

I've put my test and scan photos with hospital letters in an envelope and popped them away. It's part of my life and I feel like I need those to believe it happened
I can't say too much or I will out myself but I feel it was a coerced termination

Namechanger012345 Wed 03-Jul-13 19:57:24

That's awful. So sorry to hear that. I'm finding it hard enough when it was my own decision so can't even imagine how you feel xxx

RaRaZ Wed 03-Jul-13 22:00:32

Me too Emuz, and it makes it all the worse, doesn't it? Did they send you there or 'just' talk you into it? Hope you're ok today hinny x

EMUZ Wed 03-Jul-13 22:07:31

It's a very long story but if I say financially we are tied together and they threaten to remove it when I don't do as they want...
Apparently all this has hurt and upset THEM very much confused

RaRaZ Thu 04-Jul-13 09:06:19

Ahhh. Yes, I can understand that. My situation isn't quite the same, but my partner and I live in a flat my parents rent to us, so I've kinda had to be careful there too as they can be rather like yours in attitude. Do you mean that you getting pg upset them or you having the TOP did??

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

EMUZ Thu 04-Jul-13 09:35:42

29. And yeah it was the pregnancy

EMUZ Sat 06-Jul-13 02:29:44

Not a good night tonight. Thought I was done crying but seems I'm not
I can't see a way forward at all, I just feel broken and like I'm screwing my whole life up
Someone who didn't know the situation gave me their 10 week old baby to look after the other day, I was holding him and just thinking how innocent he looked
I hate to use a film quote but I watched it the other day and its stuck in my head. What if this is as good as it gets?

Namechanger012345 Sat 06-Jul-13 04:31:02

Hugs xxx I had a cry tonight too after a few days of not crying. I don't feel as bad as I did in those first awful weeks because its not as constant anymore but I still get waves of it when I still feel absolutely heartbroken. Still sleeping terribly hence posting here at 4:30 am. Hope you're asleep.

I've been looking after toddlers for a while this week which has been okay but I think holding a new baby would definitely feel like a punch in the gut at the moment sad Try to tell yourself you will have another baby when your time is right. I don't know your situation but I'm sure you haven't screwed your whole life up. You are still young and have so much ahead of you and everything can work out how you want it to. That's what I'm trying to tell myself.

Here's another quote which is a bit cheesy but I kind of find it comforting, definitely a nicer thought than your one!

"Everything will be okay in the end. If its not okay, it's not the end"

RaRaZ Sat 06-Jul-13 22:13:54

Hey guys.

Sorry you're feeling so shit. You know, it worries me that all of us are fully grown-up people in our twenties and yet so affected by what other people say, think, and do (parents, bfs)... I wonder what went wrong to make that happen; really, it shouldn't matter: we should look after ourselves first. I think we all need to make some kind of personal resolution to do that - to do what's right for US in the future even if someone else doesn't like it. God knows we've been through the mill.

Trivial as it may be, can I suggest a couple of things?

Exercise: do you do much? I'm a fanatic and I know not everybody is, but is does wonders for my mood. I especially like running and it helps to give me a boost and a rush of natural endorphins.

Rhodiola: I had to come off St John's Wort as we're ttc again and I was told it was dangerous. My bf went to Holland & Barrett and asked for something similar that was pg-safe and got me rhodiola root. I've been taking three a day (the highest dose, as one a day did f all) and it's really helped.

Sending you both love and hugs xx

goodasitgets Tue 09-Jul-13 21:14:58

I'm loitering under a NC briefly (emuz)
I'm banned from exercise currently sad but I usually do HIIT, spin, weights and circuits. Oh and horse ride. Weights are my therapy grin

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