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Feeling suicidal, on my own, and a very, very long way from home

(292 Posts)
dontrunwithscissors Fri 07-Jun-13 00:30:40

I have bipolar II, which was diagnosed after having my second daughter in 2010. I had a tough time finding the right medication, but finally stabilised last November.

Over the last 2-3 weeks I've been back to struggling. I've been waking up on a morning like someone's sitting on my chest, oh-so tired, and just struggling through every hour. Now I'm slipping down in to feeling suicidal. Everywhere I look, I see ways of hurting myself. I'm starting to obsess about one particular way and just can't get it out of my head.

My problem is that I'm in the USA and on my own (for 12 more days). I've got nobody to talk to, nothing to distract me, and no way of getting help. I'm trying to stay rationale. I'm making myself leave the hotel and go do the work I need to do, but it's hard to stay in control of these thoughts. I've had moments of feeling very detached, like I'm floating, which I know is a pretty bad sign. I already feel like I don't exist.

I haven't got a clue what to do. I know that I'm not at risk of doing anything right now so there's no way I'm going to say anything. I'm only able to talk to my husband for 10 minutes when I ring to say goodnight to the kids. It's busy and my parents are in ear shot. So I just need to get this out somewhere as it's building up. I feel very isolated, alone, and helpless. sad

bolshieoldcow Fri 07-Jun-13 00:34:55

I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time. And I don't know what else to say, but I didn't want to read and run. Here's a hand to hold until someone wise comes along (it won't be long, it never is here!)

dontrunwithscissors Fri 07-Jun-13 00:38:16

Thanks. I'm at a loss. I have my own ways of dealing with this at home, but haven't got a clue what to do without anyone to talk to.

Namechanger012345 Fri 07-Jun-13 00:40:31

What are you doing there, are you with other people most of the time? Can you try to minimise your time spent alone? Do you think it would help to tell your DH how you're feeling, even if you put it in an email if you don't want to be overheard?

Sorry you're feeling like this. I hope you will get back to feeling stable. I don't really know much about bipolar but hopefully you can get your medication adjusted and it will help.

bolshieoldcow Fri 07-Jun-13 00:43:08

12 days must seem like a long time before you're back with your family again. You're in the States for work? Do you have the evenings free? Can you plan activities for the evenings - cinema, concerts etc? Or do you follow a religion? Would there be a Church or Synagogue or Mosque or something nearby you can go to? Even if you're not religious, you can often find a good listener there (apologies if that's REALLY not your bag).

elastamum Fri 07-Jun-13 00:43:51

Poor you sad I think you need to seek help. 12 days is a long time. If you are sick then you should just go home. You would not carry on if you went down with the flu and this is potentially far more serious, if not quite as obvious.

If you are working then presumably you have insurance cover in the US?

Please go see a doctor in the morning and then make plans to get yourself home to your family. No job is worth putting yourself through what you are going through alone.

dontrunwithscissors Fri 07-Jun-13 00:44:30

I'm here for work, doing research as I'm a Uni lecturer. I'm sat in a library on my own all day, and then go back to my hotel room on my own. So no human contact, beyond buying some food, at all. I could disappear and nobody would know.

dontrunwithscissors Fri 07-Jun-13 00:49:01

I have insurance, but I'm in the middle of no where. The nearest pharmacy is 12 miles away and I don't have a car. God knows where the nearest qualified help might be. I'm also very worried about seeking help as the US is very hostile to such situations. When you apply under the visa waiver scheme, you have to confirm that you are not experiencing a mental disease that will make you a danger to yourself. I cannot afford to be refused access to the country. (It's more complicated than that, but I can't explain it well.)

I also can't get home as this trip is covered by a research grant. The additional cost to get home would have to be covered by myself.

I feel stuck. I can't think straight.

elastamum Fri 07-Jun-13 00:50:26

You are not alone dontrun, although it seems that way. You have connections all accross the world to people that love you. They are still there, although you just cant see them or feel them right now as you are not well.

Do you feel safe right now? Your bad thoughts are part of your illness and you need to seek out help tomorrow to keep yourself safe.

elastamum Fri 07-Jun-13 00:56:54

Can you call your line manger or supervisor at the university tomorrow? My DP is also an academic who travels a lot to all sorts of odd places. Do they know about your condition? As your employer, they have an obligation to support you, no matter where you are in the world.

dontrunwithscissors Fri 07-Jun-13 00:58:39

I'm not in danger of doing anything right now. I wouldn't know how to get help if I wanted to, though. As I say, I can't risk endangering my visa status. That would be disastrous. I have this whole great crisis plan for when I'm at home. Not much use here.

bolshieoldcow Fri 07-Jun-13 01:02:12

May I ask what you do at home when these thoughts start to come along?

elastamum Fri 07-Jun-13 01:04:41

I think it highly unlikely that immigration would connect your illness with your visa status. It is more important that you get help and reconnect yourself with people who know you.

Can you call your DH for advice or in the morning can you call someone who is aware and involved in your crisis plan at home? they ight be able to help you work through your options, as they know you and can do the straight thinking for you. I have experience of mental illness in my family. Wish I could hold your hand smile

SugarandSpice126 Fri 07-Jun-13 01:07:46

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.. Practical ideas - would you be able to Skype? Ask husband to go somewhere you can talk? Do you have Internet connection in hotel? I'm guessing you have some since you're on here now. If you can find any way of talking to someone that would be safest I think...being alone is worst for these feelings.

I know you feel stuck, but this is your work, your research, and you are doing well despite everything. Forcing yourself to get out of hotel to do work must be incredibly hard, so don't sell yourself short with that.

Even if you can't talk to anyone back home, we're all here online...even though we don't know you, we're here and we care. So keep posting and sharing, and slowly those 12 days will pass and you will be home.

dontrunwithscissors Fri 07-Jun-13 01:09:49

By this point I would have a) some PRN medication from the GP, and b) probably be on my way to seeing the Acute Response Team. I've got all this written out. Feeling detached is a bad, bad sign; the point at which I should start thinking about hospital. But it's not there all the time, just fleeting feelings right now.

This has come down so quickly. I think it's because my sleep has been screwed up by the travel/time difference.

bolshieoldcow Fri 07-Jun-13 01:11:05

Gotta go to bed, can't do these late nights! Hang on in there OP.

dontrunwithscissors Fri 07-Jun-13 01:11:55

Thank you sugarandspice. I need to keep getting out so I at least have a function and am around people, even if not speaking to them. I just have to get through each hour.

My psychologist did say I could email her if I needed anything, but I'm not sure what to say and it's not as if she can do anything.

SugarandSpice126 Fri 07-Jun-13 01:12:58

As bolshie was asking about...try and do some things you might do by yourself at home - not sure what works for you, but breathing exercises, writing down what you feel, walking outside, any form of exercise..

elastamum Fri 07-Jun-13 01:14:09

Poor sleep can be awful. The detached feeling can also be partly due to jet lag. Do you travel with sleep medication? Can you take anything to get your sleep on track?

If there is a local hospital near you, you could go there and seek medical help. I have taken my DS into a US hopsital when I didnt know what to do and they were great. They have no interest in your visa BTW, but they will want to see your insurance papers!

bolshieoldcow Fri 07-Jun-13 01:16:54

I think if your psychologist said you could email her, then you should. She might be able to do something, or have a suggestion. I'm sure there will have been other times when someone has been abroad and needed help. Can you access the medication you would normally take? Would your GP be able to contact the pharmacy? Even if its 12 miles away, a taxi would be worth it, to get you back on track.

piprabbit Fri 07-Jun-13 01:18:29

Email your psychologist, she may be able to put you in touch with someone in the USA, arrange a prescription via a local doctor, or at least give you more complete advice than you can get here as she knows your details.

If you think that calling the Samaritans would be helpful, this is the US number 1 (800) 273-TALK which might be easier than trying to call the UK Samaritans internationally.

SugarandSpice126 Fri 07-Jun-13 01:18:32

Definitely email psychologist - it's worth trying, even if you think she can't do anything. Just typing out how you're feelingand keeping talking can be enough to get you by. You seem to have a good sense about what you need (getting out, being around people), and that will see you through. Have you got any plans of things to do with family when you're back? Focussing on these might help.

And definitely don't underestimate what sleep can do to your emotional state...a long sleep will help your work productivity overall.

dontrunwithscissors Fri 07-Jun-13 01:19:48

I don't know; my head is so muddled. But I can send a message to my psychologist. The worst she can do is ignore it, I suppose. I want to talk to my DH, but I know it will make him so incredibly worried.

SugarandSpice126 Fri 07-Jun-13 01:22:19

Your Dh would far rather worry himself than have you feeling this alone, I'm sure... I know if I was in his situation I'd rather know than you suffer by yourself..let yourself lean on him.

elastamum Fri 07-Jun-13 01:24:01

Talk to him. He loves you and cares about you. He would want to know if you are not feeling well

Rulesgirl Fri 07-Jun-13 01:24:50

Dontrun contact your psychologist by email telling her what your experiencing and ask her for some short term plan to help you get through this. Maybe you could also contact someone in the crisis team who could also help you with a short term plan whilst you are there. Its surprising what is available to you if you only ask for it. One of them can write out some bullet points for you to follow every time you feel detached. Try them first but also text your husband and tell him as well.

Namechanger012345 Fri 07-Jun-13 01:26:03

Definitely email your psychologist. I'm sure she won't ignore it. I hope she has some helpful suggestions of what you can do.

dontrunwithscissors Fri 07-Jun-13 01:30:08

Thank you for your support, especially at such a late hour for you. I will try to email her tonight so she sees it in the morning. She's lovely and I don't think she'll ignore it. I just want my DH to give me a big hug right now.

Rulesgirl Fri 07-Jun-13 01:33:23

Text him....he would want to know and he can keep in touch with you throughout the day to keep you present.

Rulesgirl Fri 07-Jun-13 01:35:01

Try and keep posting and talking on here or go on other threads and chat about other "stuff" to keep you in the present. That might help. Small steps.

whethergirl Fri 07-Jun-13 01:36:32

I would suggest finding a time to talk to your DH about this, yes of course he will be worried, but that could help you. His worry for you can be grounding and give you a sense of reality iyswim. If he can then call you at regular intervals then you can have someone to speak to throughout the day.

Is there any way you can speak to your psychologist or the Acute Response Team? Is there any possibility of getting PRN medication in the States?

Could you also call the Samaritans throughout the day? You need to speak to someone and not be alone with these feelings, to diffuse the power they have. I know that sometimes these suicidal thoughts can have a fantasy element to them, and this fantasy bubble needs to be popped by people who can ground you.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, it's horrible sad. But please hang on, things can be so different in a matter of days.

SugarandSpice126 Fri 07-Jun-13 01:38:42

You sound as though you have a lot of support, please use it...those people are all there to help you through times like this. Being alone and isolated in a foreign country as you are would be pretty miserable for a lot of people, so please don't feel bad about it. Soon enough you will be back at home and you will have as many hugs as you could possibly want smile just work through these 12 days, day by day, hour by hour if you need to. And if things get really desperate for you, then just get yourself home/hospital ASAP and deal with the consequences afterwards. Your life is too precious to your family to risk it.

I really have to get some sleep now, but well done for having the courage to post here, and I hope you find the same courage to contact all the people in your support network too.

dontrunwithscissors Fri 07-Jun-13 01:43:26

Thank you everyone and I hope I've not kept people awake. I'm going to get a shower and try to get a grip. Then I'll try writing an email.

Rulesgirl Fri 07-Jun-13 01:46:21

Ooooo......think you can buy "grips" somewhere on here!!!
No, not keeping me awake. Im up till 3 or 4 doing my TMA which is already a week late. lol.

EstelleGetty Fri 07-Jun-13 11:21:58

Hi dontrun, I just want to offer a hand to hold, having been in a similar position. I'm in academia too (though just a PhD candidate, not a lecturer) and I find these trips abroad, away from my DH, really stressful. I was in California last year, horribly jet-lagged, and panicking massively. It was really tough, but what did help a bit was making sure I got an early night, buying some soothing bubble bath from a shop and watching crappy films on the hotel TV at night.

I know that probably won't help with your situation, but is the archive/library you're working in connected to a university? if so, could you email some staff members in your field to say you're in town and suggest meeting for coffee / dinner? Only if you're feeling up to it, but it might make you feel less alone.

If not, I agree with other posters that calling the US Samaritans, Skypeing your DH (if possible) or even going into a church might help. Even if you're totally areligious. I'm a (lapsed) Catholic, but when I was away at a conference last year, with a horrible flare up of my generalised anxiety disorder, I wandered into a chapel and spent half an hour talking to a nun. She just listened, offered me a cup of tea, and for that little while I felt safe.

I really hope you feel better - stay in touch here. x

Elquota Fri 07-Jun-13 12:36:40

I agree emailing your psychologist is a good idea. You can also email the Samaritans if that's preferable to phoning.

whethergirl Fri 07-Jun-13 20:40:05

How are you feeling dontrun?

elastamum Fri 07-Jun-13 21:33:27

Hi Dontrun, just checking in to see if you are feeling OK? hope today was better and you managed to talk to some people you know

working9while5 Fri 07-Jun-13 21:50:12

Hope you are doing okay x

SugarandSpice126 Fri 07-Jun-13 21:53:41

Also checking in - have been thinking about you and hope you're ok. Post here as much as you want if it helps x

bolshieoldcow Fri 07-Jun-13 22:16:25

Another one checking in to see how you are today! Hope you're having a better time of it today. x

dontrunwithscissors Fri 07-Jun-13 23:54:00

Hi, thanks for the messages. I'm struggling along.

I sent my DH a morbid text last night, which woke him up and so he rang me. So he knows things aren't good. My psychologist emailed back with some advice, too.

I'm just so tired, and these thoughts are wearing me down. Every where I look, my head sees a way of killing myself. I can't sleep either, I think my body clock's screwed up, too.

Sorry, I'm not capable of saying too much as my thinking is so muddled up.

kizzie Sat 08-Jun-13 00:12:21

It's really good that you've told your husband and psychologist.

I don't have any experience of Bipolar but I did have a horrendous 10 day holiday when I was at the peak of an episode of anxiety/depression. I was in such a state :-(
Such a waste too - was in a beautiful hotel in gorgeous place...

But anyway - way I got through it in the end was by literally breaking each day into 15 minute/ half hour chunks and just getting through one at a time.

I couldn't really concentrate to read anything decent but I bought every rubbish magazine I could find to pass a bit of time and watched mind numbing rubbish tv. I also called my dr to make sure that I had an appointment booked for as soon as I got home.

I didn't have access to Skype or anything but I did do an lot of texting.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. It sounds like you are coping amazingly well in the circumstances.

(you've managed another day since last night - that's one ticked off the list !)

SugarandSpice126 Sat 08-Jun-13 03:38:24

Dontrun, hope you're ok. Am thinking of you and hope you're managing to get through bit at a time. You have so much support and people who love you. It's wont be long until you're home x

TVTonight Sat 08-Jun-13 16:27:51

Are you OK OP. been thinking about you all day?

dontrunwithscissors Sun 09-Jun-13 01:58:07

Thanks for the posts. Ten days to go. I'm just so tired--I feel like someone's sitting on my chest. My heart's fluttering and my stomach's churning all the time. Urgh. I did manage to Skype with the kids and DH today, which was really nice.

I just need to sort my sleep out. I keep dropping off and jolting awake again. It feels like torture. Sorry for the pitiful post.....

TVTonight Sun 09-Jun-13 05:56:28

No need to apologize. Could you try going to church today?

Unfortunatelyanxious Sun 09-Jun-13 10:47:03

I think calling Samaritans USA is the best ideaa or could you Skype phone the British Samaritans. I think talking with someone sympathetic could help.

I have anxiety my user name is the give away, all best to you.

SugarandSpice126 Sun 09-Jun-13 22:14:44

Sorry it feels so horrible. And that wasn't a pitiful message! You could write a page of how awful you feel and we still wouldn't judge you for it. It just often feels as though it's pitiful, but really it's just you being honest and asking for help - that's very brave.

I hope you manage to sleep a bit more, it really will help. Keep going out, engaging with people you come across. Staying alone in a hotel room is pretty depressing by itself, so just try and force yourself to do things outside of the room. Not long now. You'll soon be home with your family

Waferthinmint Sun 09-Jun-13 22:27:44

No chance of DH joining you?
(I'm a bit worried about you but also worried that if things get bad your insurance won't cover unless you told them of pre existing diagnosis and they agreed) if this us the case and things get worse, you must get home as priority

dontrunwithscissors Sun 09-Jun-13 23:15:29

No, we don't have enough money for DH to fly out. My flights cost £900 and they were booked some time ago.

I have full medical cover as it's organised by work.

I'm managing hour by hour, thanks. I have a feeling I might fall apart when I get home, but at least I will have the regular support then.

bolshieoldcow Sun 09-Jun-13 23:48:01

You're doing brilliantly! Keep going, one hour at a time and you will be back home with the ones you love - and the support you are familiar with - soon.

dontrunwithscissors Mon 10-Jun-13 00:01:26

Thanks, it really helps having someone push me on.

Feeling very light headed as haven't managed to get out the hotel room and only had a couple of cereal bars. WIll have to try tomorrow...nine days left when I wake up.

wonderstuff Mon 10-Jun-13 00:11:40

Hang on in there. Eating better will help with sleep, try to eat regularly ( says she with insomnia and poor diet)

bolshieoldcow Mon 10-Jun-13 00:29:08

Is there somewhere nearby you can stroll to and grab a bite to eat? Your blood sugar must be in your boots! And it is important to keep looking after yourself - even the little things like eating well, washing and dressing even when you've nothing planned.

Also, do you want to chat about something other than how you're feeling (like, your work, or something you can see out the window or who your favourite Bond/cookbook writer/member of the Danish royal family is...?) or is it more helpful for you to be able to focus on the feelings and emotions you're experiencing?

dontrunwithscissors Mon 10-Jun-13 00:44:19

I'm too scared to leave the room right now. I won't go in to why, but it's too much right now. There's no where that does deliveries and no room service so I'm stuck. I'll try tomorrow, even if it's just getting downstairs to get breakfast.

If it's OK, it helps for me to just babble everything out on here. It releases some of the pressure, if that makes sense?

StripeyYogurt Mon 10-Jun-13 00:46:59

thinking of you x keep posting

bolshieoldcow Mon 10-Jun-13 00:50:07

Absolutely! This is your thread, it's a safe place and we're here to support you in whatever way you would like. You go ahead and say whatever helps you - and know that you've got people thinking about you and wishing you well. xx

TVTonight Mon 10-Jun-13 16:33:15

Hi, how are you feeling today? Have you been able to eat yet. Hope you've been able to sleep and are feeling a bit better.

SugarandSpice126 Mon 10-Jun-13 18:15:18

Thinking of you.. In response to what you said earlier - do babble on about anything you want if it helps! We are all here to listen. I know it can be really hard to eat properly, but even though you don't want to go and get some, not eating will make you feel worse, which I'm sure you know. If you can force yourself to go and buy anything at all to eat that really would be so good. (Think I'm rambling now!) sending you strength x

wonderstuff Mon 10-Jun-13 21:44:45

Thinking of you. Hope you are feeling better today.

dontrunwithscissors Mon 10-Jun-13 23:25:19

Had a rough night last night--had some flashbacks of a traumatic event, which seems to rear its ugly head when I'm low. Lost the plot slightly and thought someone was trying to get in to the room to get me. Not good.

Managed to get breakfast this morning and got a snack to take back to the hotel room so a better day. I will try to amuse myself with crap US TV and surfing the web.

Half way through.

This is really hard.

SugarandSpice126 Mon 10-Jun-13 23:34:12

That sounds really tough..it's horrible the way your mind can play tricks on you.

Really glad you've managed to eat. Can you go and get some fresh air? Not sure what the weathers like there. US Tv is so different isn't it! I hope distracting yourself goes well, though do keep talking to people too.

And yes, half way there! It won't be long now, and you're staying so strong

Ajaney Mon 10-Jun-13 23:53:39

Just offering a hand to hold, hoping you have a better night.

TVTonight Tue 11-Jun-13 09:19:19

Dontrun, I know your finding this tough : but the truth is you HAVE out toughed this episode since before the weekend, and you will until you get home! You really will.

Keep on fighting, posting, sleeping, eating, watching tv. A lot of people want you to get home safe and sound, including you.

Take care. X

kizzie Tue 11-Jun-13 20:55:42

Fwiw I think you are doing brilliantly. I know you must feel bloody awful but you've got this far. Try and keep eating - makes it even harder if your blood sugar levels are up and down. Only a few more days to go ...

bolshieoldcow Tue 11-Jun-13 22:09:53

Over halfway there grin you can do this! Keep going, one hour at a time, one day at a time. You're doing so well. Sounds like the other night was a scary one but at least you recognise what's happening with you.

Are you keeping in touch with your psychologist too? She might like to know how things are progressing.

This is hard, really hard, but you are showing so much courage and strength in getting through this and, as TV says, lots of people including yourself want you to get home safely.

How has today been? Have you been at the library? Did you manage to get something healthy to eat?

dontrunwithscissors Tue 11-Jun-13 22:37:50

Thanks you everyone. Ten nights down, seven to go. Seems like an age still.

I had another flashback in the early hours of the morning. I've never had this many together. They're terrifying and so real. I think it's down to the bloody sleep deprivation. I stayed in my room again. I had some peanuts to eat.

I haven't been in contact with my psychologist as I don't want to take up her time, but I might email to ask if there are any techniques for dealing with the flashbacks.

wonderstuff Tue 11-Jun-13 23:23:02

Do email her, she's there to help you when you need it and you could do with support.

SugarandSpice126 Wed 12-Jun-13 17:51:47

Hope you're doing ok today dontrun. No idea what time it actually is where you are though! Hope you have/had manageable day. Have you managed to eat much?

The flashbacks sound horrible..I hope they ease a bit. Have you emailed your psychologist again? I really don't think you would be taking up her time, that's what she's there for and I'm sure she wants to help and understands you need some more coping strategies. Have you been talking to your husband? You have so many people that want to support you.

But another day nearly gone since you last posted - you can do this. Keep posting if it's a good distraction.

dontrunwithscissors Wed 12-Jun-13 21:31:35

I emailed my psych last night, but I know she's not always at her email so it might take a couple of days to hear back.

Managed to eat a banana this afternoon and went for a walk.

wonderstuff Wed 12-Jun-13 21:37:33

That's really good. One day at a time, you'll get through this.

bolshieoldcow Wed 12-Jun-13 22:55:11

So pleased to hear that you've emailed your psychologist and that you managed to eat and get out of the hotel - hopefully you're feeling a wee bit better today for it? And you've made it through another day. You're doing brilliantly under what sound like pretty horrific circumstances flowers

dontrunwithscissors Thu 13-Jun-13 01:02:38

In the morning it will be 5 nights and 1 on the plane.

This time next week I will be in my own bed and hopefully have some help.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Thu 13-Jun-13 07:28:06

How are you dontrun?

How's the research going? Have you spoken to your H?

Hope you're ok. I hope the time passes quickly x

kizzie Thu 13-Jun-13 14:03:17

I was just about to say bananas. Its really good that youve managed to eat .... and that you can look ahead to next week when you'll be back at home.

dontrunwithscissors Thu 13-Jun-13 15:38:06

Bad day again today. Feeling paranoid and scared.

Thinking abut giving in and taking some extra meds tonight. I've been avoiding it as the side effects )(joint pain) are awful but I don't know how I'm going to manage te next 5 days right now, never mind the 20 hour journey home (three flights).

SugarandSpice126 Thu 13-Jun-13 15:43:14

It's not about 'giving in', it's about doing what's best for you and will get you through. Could you email doctor to ask if it would be best to go on medication? But if you get bad pain, you probably won't be able to get to sleep, which would probably make things worse..

Timetoask Thu 13-Jun-13 15:44:13

Could you not cut your trip short and come back straight away, explain the situation to your employer?

bolshieoldcow Thu 13-Jun-13 16:43:10

What Sugar said - it's not giving it, it's doing what you need to do to get through this.

Have you seen the Foreign Office info leaflet on Mental Health abroad? It tells you what help you can get - would you perhaps read it and see if there is something that you can access to help you through the next few days? You shouldn't have to go through this alone, and when it comes to medication, there are people who will help if you ask. here's a pdf of the leaflet

Please keep posting and stay safe. xx

dontrunwithscissors Thu 13-Jun-13 17:19:09

Thanks all.

I'm already on 3 medications. I have some PRN quetiapine I can take if I need to.

It's not so simple as just cutting the trip short as 1) the cost is covered by a grant, and it is not normal for anything extra to be covered by the Uni; 2)most importantly, I have already checked, and there are no earlier flights available. I'm in the middle of no where with a tiny airport and very few flights out. I'm a long, long, long way from a larger airport.

I hadn't seen the leaflet--thanks for the link.

TVTonight Thu 13-Jun-13 21:07:52

DontRun, you're actually doing so well in the circumstances. Another 24 done and the time when you can feel safe is getting closer. Are there any specific things we can help with to make this better/bearable for you- perhaps gentle encouragement to email your psych again?

dontrunwithscissors Thu 13-Jun-13 21:36:18

Feeling very off. Getting signs to kill myself; they seem very clear and strong. People on another forum, based in the US, think I should get help. Someone on there rang the equivalent of the crisis team and they've said they'll see me if I go to the ER. I don't know what to do.

Jollyb Thu 13-Jun-13 21:55:04

Go to the ER please.

dontrun just caught up with your thread and really feel for you. So sorry to hear you're feeling worse tonight. Sounds like there is some support available at the ER - could you get there?

carlywurly Thu 13-Jun-13 22:01:58

It's literally a matter of life and death. You have to go to the er. Thinking of you, please keep talking to us if you can.
You can do this.

whethergirl Thu 13-Jun-13 22:15:18

Yes, please go to the ER. We should have thought of that before. It's very hard for you to make the right decision in your frame of mind, so please listen to others advice (don't mean to sound patronising - I have suffered with mental health problems in the past and have been very slow to get the help I needed as I was paranoid that whatever the dr gave me would make me worse).

You're doing brilliantly so far, and you've done all the right things - told your husband, trying to eat, talking on forums etc. But you know how these feelings you have can spiral and can get out of control. You may find yourself in a position where you're not even able to get to the ER. So while you can manage it, please PLEASE go. You can't manage this on your own.

SugarandSpice126 Thu 13-Jun-13 22:17:14

As I said earlier in the thread - there comes a time when you have to put yourself and your health before anything else. If you feel you are in real danger, go to the ER or do what you need to do to be safe. If your husband was seriously ill, you wouldn't advise him not to go to the hospital because it would be too expensive/difficult, would you? Sometimes it's necessity. Your family love you and need you to be around and come home to them in a few days time. This need comes before anything else - money, difficulty with university, everything. YOU are most important in this, the rest is just practicalities of life. This is an illness - you can and you should seek help when it becomes dangerous to you and your life.

The 'signs' you see are not real. Deep down you know this. It is the illness making you see these things, it's not you. The real signs of how you're doing are right in front of you - you're still here and you're still carrying on. Youve just posted this on here - another sign that you dont want to die, you want to live. You've made it this far, and you CAN make it another few days. You have support all around you, and strategies which can help you.

Have you rung your husband? This is not a time for not wanting to worry him - again, think about you would feel if roles were reversed. You would want to know if your husband was like this and would be devastated if he felt he couldn't turn to you. And go to ER and tell them, they will help you and you will live.

SugarandSpice126 Thu 13-Jun-13 22:20:49

This link might also be good for you when you feel really bad: www.metanoia.org/suicide/

QOD Thu 13-Jun-13 22:26:38

Hope you're ok op

SugarandSpice126 Thu 13-Jun-13 22:33:31

Message on here as much as you want, we're all here.. I hope you're getting help

SugarandSpice126 Thu 13-Jun-13 23:51:31

Thinking of you x

bolshieoldcow Fri 14-Jun-13 01:07:21

Hope you're getting some RL help now, Dontrun - if the thoughts are getting more overwhelming, you probably should be seen at the ER. They will know how to help you. Please go to them. What sugar says above is so sensible.

Please let us know how you're getting on?

dontrunwithscissors Fri 14-Jun-13 01:35:07

Still here. CAn't face being taken in.

bolshieoldcow Fri 14-Jun-13 01:43:37

I really feel for you, but I just don't know what to say that could help. If you could speak to a trained professional I really think that would be a good idea. If you can't face going into the ER in person, would you be able to phone one of the numbers on the FO leaflet? Or call the US-based www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org?

SugarandSpice126 Fri 14-Jun-13 01:54:07

Agree with what bolshie says...think of one thing you could do, and do it one step at a time. Have you eaten?

What are you feeling? If it helps, type it all out. Or if not, type about anything you want and we will distract you. You're not a failure, you're not weak, you're not pathetic...all those horrible things the voice in your head tells you are not true. There are no signs, it is just the illness. Please repeat this to yourself. The proof that you can do this is in this moment right now - you are alive. You can do this.

TVTonight Fri 14-Jun-13 06:25:58

Still here and still thinking about you x

whethergirl Fri 14-Jun-13 09:29:26

I know it feels impossible, but seeing someone medically trained will help you.

How would you feel about someone here calling your local A&E and explaining the situation?

You can PM any one of us the details (your hotel address/room no.) and we could go from there? I'd be happy to help, the only thing is I won't be online again until late tonight (which might actually work out, because of the time differences) but there are always caring mumsnetters around at all times.

Alternatively call/email your psychotherapist, tell her honestly how bad this is and how you're struggling to get outside help. She must be able to get help for you.

Please let us help you, you're doing so well but there is only so much you can do on your own.

SugarandSpice126 Fri 14-Jun-13 10:15:05

Still here..please let us know you're ok when you can x

kizzie Fri 14-Jun-13 11:09:10

Just checking in to see how you are x

bolshieoldcow Fri 14-Jun-13 12:18:06

Another one thinking of you today x

Unfortunatelyanxious Fri 14-Jun-13 17:10:14

Have come back after couple of days, really sorry things are harder. I think you do need to get to ER and just sending love and best wishes.

bolshieoldcow Fri 14-Jun-13 17:39:33

I'm away from internet for a few days so send good wishes and hope the next few are easier. Will check back when I can xx

You'll be home soon, OP, so hang on. Your loved ones are waiting at home for you to be with them again.

Jollyb Fri 14-Jun-13 19:16:55

Hope you're ok Dontrun.

whethergirl Fri 14-Jun-13 21:32:29

Been thinking about you all day, hope you're alright x

Thurlow Fri 14-Jun-13 21:40:23

Just seen this thread. I hope you are alright, dontrun, you've been doing so amazingly well. I also hope you've gone to the ER. So good to hear that you have made contact on a US site too who have been so helpful.

dontrunwithscissors Sat 15-Jun-13 00:42:07

Hi, thanks for the messages. I'm getting through. Not been to the ER, I couldn't deal with that. But I have been feeling a little more settled today. Just so very tired and want to be home in my own bed. When I wake up it will be 3 nights left, plus one on the plane.

BrianTheMole Sat 15-Jun-13 00:55:19

Honey, you're doing so well, not long to go now. Look back on your thread and see how many days you've already got through. I'm glad you're feeling more settled, but if it gets worse you need to get yourself into ER. Your life is more important than anything else, don't forget this ok?

ShyGirlie Sat 15-Jun-13 02:20:49

You're so very nearly almost there! Hang in there and u will be home tucked up in your own bed in no time at all!xo brewthanks

ccridersuz Sat 15-Jun-13 02:40:20

Hi hun, you must be missing home and that's understandable, I feel for you but please ask for some help, maybe they have the equivalant of the samaritions over there. As you are online it may be worth you having a chat and maybe they can put you in touch with a local organisation. It is awful being in a foreign country stuck in a hotel. I know I've done it myself. but asking for help in getting a bit of female company may be the way forward. I am sure they operate on confidential conversations the same as here and in no way would they affect your visa.
a bit of female company is what you need.

ccridersuz Sat 15-Jun-13 02:48:23

Also there is a website over there called modernmom. just a suggestion.

amazingmumof6 Sat 15-Jun-13 03:10:00

keep talking your DH and your psychologist and us!

you are feeling better, which is great and it's not that long now before you get on that plane to return to your family !

I think it is fantastic that you are able to get through this with just a little help, so yes, you can do it!

keep talking sweetheart, you'll get through this! smile

dontrunwithscissors Sat 15-Jun-13 05:12:07

I feel like I'm floating around in a fantasy world, where televisions tell me what to do. I'm feeling robotic and really having to fight the urge to obey.

Thinking about my girls....lovely, loving, snuggly girls.

amazingmumof6 Sat 15-Jun-13 05:58:33

turn off the tv then.

focus on getting home to your kids and DH!
imagine how lovely it will be to hug them and kiss them and keep insisting on that image.
you'll get through these hard time, you can do it!smile

Orianne Sat 15-Jun-13 06:04:27

How old are your girls?

Are you challenging your thinking? I get messages from the TV (as you do) and I try to write down or repeat what it is to contextualise it and recognise that I am finding meaning where there is none.

I have been following your posts I am so pleased you are feeling calmer and going home soon.

dontrunwithscissors Sat 15-Jun-13 18:44:48

They're 3 and 6. Saw them on Skype today.

I'm trying to rationalise them, fluffy. I got so close last night, and felt such a strong compulsion to act. I ended up speaking to someone on a helpline and was oh-so-close to agreeing to an ambulance. But it's just too scary and too much. I think I would have agreed if at home, but it's too much in a strange system.

In the library again today. I feel safe here.

Thanks for your support. Four days from now, I'll be home. Tomorrow will be hard as the library is closed, as is just about everywhere. (There's one café that's open until 1pm. Every other shop/restaurant/ café is closed.) But I'll start travelling back on Tuesday so I guess it's just today/tomorrow/Monday that will be the difficult times.

I emailed my psychologist to tell her what was happening, and to ask how I can get help when I'm back. Hopefully I'll have heard from her when I wake up on Monday. She's a gem, but is leaving in September. I suspect I won't get a replacement for her and I don't have a CPN. But I've learnt so much about how to cope with things from her that I think I'll be able to do a lot on my own.

SugarandSpice126 Sat 15-Jun-13 21:30:20

It must have been really scary last night, but I'm glad you managed to fight it. You're so much stronger than you think.

It's good you feel safe in the library. Do you think it's because you're surrounded by things that make sense to you? As in your research and your work.. I hope it's also better to be around people there too.

Do you think you'll be able to go to the cafe until 1pm tomorrow? Trying to stay with people might be the safest option until you go home. You really are so close now.

You do sound as though you have so many coping resources, and in general are well equipped to deal with this. You're completely out of your comfort zone where you are, so it's completely understandable you're finding it harder to cope. That's completely normal. But you are coping and you can do this. Imagine getting off the plane, seeing your family, unpacking, going to sleep in your own bed with your husband...focus on all those things. You could write a list of all these positive things you can do in a few days time, and then look at them when you feel really low.

I have 100% faith in you, and so does everyone else here.

amazingmumof6 Sun 16-Jun-13 01:07:46

how are you doing? keep posting, we are all here for you!
(more hugs)

evelynj Sun 16-Jun-13 01:20:09

Hi

Just wanted to add my support & say could you ask around for any other clubs or organisations where there might be gatherings of people if this is what will get you through.

Could you do a time plan hour by hour & schedule e.g. A walk, some organising/packing, shopping etc so you can visually tick off the time until bedtime? You should be really proud-keep posting here & call back the helplines if you need to.

Thinking of you (())

amazingmumof6 Sun 16-Jun-13 11:24:55

how are you today? what time is it where you are?

keep thinking of you, be strong! wink

dontrunwithscissors Sun 16-Jun-13 16:17:47

48 hours until I start travelling. 72 hours and I will be home. I think today will be tough as no where is open for me to escape the hotel and the weather is rubbish. I really don't want to talk to anyone---not even the kids. I am so tired.

amazingmumof6 Sun 16-Jun-13 16:27:37

can you talk to me? about anything?

what chees you up?

amazingmumof6 Sun 16-Jun-13 16:27:59

I meant what CHEERS you up!grin

Gunznroses Sun 16-Jun-13 16:56:47

Hang on in there! You're doing so well, just keep picturing your lovely lovely girls.

Thurlow Sun 16-Jun-13 18:07:31

You are doing so well. I am amazed and so in awe of how well you are coping. You're so very nearly home!

SugarandSpice126 Sun 16-Jun-13 18:13:19

You have come SO far. You thought you couldn't last this whole time, but here you are with only 48 hours left until you start your journey home. You really can make it these last two days.

Could you try and sleep for a bit? Have you got enough food? A plan of what you're going to do, as evelynj suggested, is a really good idea. Could you also start packing so you can see in front of you that you're about to leave and it's so close to being over?

dontrunwithscissors Sun 16-Jun-13 19:19:25

I'm going to meet with someone this afternoon, which will be good for me. Just managed to grab 40 minutes. DD2 has got chickenpox sad

dontrunwithscissors Sun 16-Jun-13 19:19:52

40 minutes sleep

amazingmumof6 Sun 16-Jun-13 19:30:13

good you had some sleep, that will give you some energy.

make sure you eat something nutritious and keep hydrated.

you are doing really well! we are all here for you.

keep posting! smile

SugarandSpice126 Sun 16-Jun-13 20:01:03

That's so good you're meeting up with someone, that's a really positive idea. Are they a colleague? And well done for getting sleep where you can. You're really doing all the right things, and you will be on that plane so soon. You've come so far. Remember to eat little and often if you can, if you can't face any big meals.

Keep posting, we're all here for you smile

TVTonight Sun 16-Jun-13 20:10:03

Hope you've had a nice time today. Almost within touching distance of home!

You amazing strong woman!

whethergirl Sun 16-Jun-13 22:24:21

So happy for you that it's nearly time for you to go home. Been thinking about you every day and looking forward to you being back home where you can get all the support you need. Not long now, well done for managing this situation so well!

dontrunwithscissors Sun 16-Jun-13 22:50:44

Thank you. 64 hours.

Still hearing messages from the TV and struggling like hell. I hope I can get to see someone the day after I get back. I have an appointment on the Monday, but I don't know whether I'll be able to get through the weekend like this. Dreading the journey home. I've got a crap seat and know I won't sleep on the plane (never do.) I've got 2 connections to make, with very little time in between.

dontrunwithscissors Sun 16-Jun-13 23:07:10

Sorry for the double post--I'm feeling like I'm in a bubble and totally disconnected. I'm finding it harder to separate myself from the messages and struggling to know what's real and what's not. I don't know how much more I can take before I snap. I'm worried that my psychologist will just tell me to see her as planned and by the time I get back (after a long journey with no sleep), I won't be able to communicate what's happening any more. This has happened before--once I get so disconnected, I act like everything's OK and I'm well because I don't actually understand what I'm doing any more. I've lost the ability to make the connection that such actions will kill me. In fact, I lose the ability to understand what being dead means.

SugarandSpice126 Sun 16-Jun-13 23:17:36

Hi dontrun You can do these last 64 hours, you've done so well. Can you ask your DH to make appointments for you for as soon as you get back? Have you emailed your psychologist to see if you can get an appointment asap too? She knows how serious it's been, I really doubt she would tell you to just wait.

The journey home might be hard, but maybe make a list of strategies to help you get through it. For example, buy lots of little snacks + water so you can keep eating/drinking. You could take a little notebook and write down these things to remind you. Keep counting down the hours until you will be at home. Have you got a book you could read? Do you have an ipod/mp3 player you could listen to? Maybe an audiobook?

Try not to focus on what 'could' happen. Of course be prepared for how you might feel, but don't tell yourself that it will definitely happen, as that could be counter-productive. You have done brilliantly so far, you really have.

Struggling with what's real and what's not must be really hard. Could you write down 'facts' that you know to be true and keep looking at them? And try and keep in contact with DH, I'm sure he will ground you.

Keep posting and we will get you through this and home safely.

dontrunwithscissors Sun 16-Jun-13 23:29:40

Thanks sugarandspice. The person I was going to meet up can't make it.

I know. It's just that I've been hanging on to the fact I can get help once home, but worried now that it won't happen. I should find out tomorrow.

amazingmumof6 Mon 17-Jun-13 00:17:27

you will definitely get help once you are home!

that is a fact!

you absolutely must keep telling yourself that it will be sorted! you are strong and you are capable!

keep focusing on your family! they are real and they love you.

you will get the help you need and you will get better! keep posting, we are all here for you, supporting you!

dontrunwithscissors Mon 17-Jun-13 05:16:26

58 hours. Still awake. My body clock is absolutely screwed.

amazingmumof6 Mon 17-Jun-13 08:52:05

Only 55 hours now! keep going!

when is your flight?

make sure you start packing on time and get to airport on time.

you are doing great!smile

SugarandSpice126 Mon 17-Jun-13 12:35:24

Your body clock will start to slowly get itself back to normal once you're home, don't worry. Just try and get sleep whenever you can.

Remember to buy snacks for journey home if you can. Write yourself simple checklist and check it off. Eg get transport to airport, look for flight and time, board flight... It sounds silly as straightforward but might just keep you grounded in what's happening.

Focus on getting home and the practical things - food and drink, sleep, and getting to places you need to be. They are the things that matter, and once home you can sort out everything else. I really think you will be able to go to appointments as soon as you're home too - and you will have your family around you.

You can get through these last few hours before home, I know you can.

kizzie Mon 17-Jun-13 13:12:29

dontrun honestly youve been amazing.

Try not to worry too much about getting help once you get home. You will - it will be more straight forward once you are back in UK.

bolshieoldcow Mon 17-Jun-13 18:55:52

45 hours now! You are doing so well - stay strong and keep focusing on the people you love waiting at home for you to get back to them.

I'm sure you will be able to get the help you need when you get home. If you feel you can't express what has been happening, you can always show your psychologist this thread, or the posts on other forums where you've been talking about your experiences. And as someone else said, you can also write about the thoughts you're having just now. If some TV isn't helping, change the channel, try to find something that is not challenging for you. And as the others are saying, keep eating little and often, try to get out of the hotel room even if it's just to the edge of the car park and back, sleep when you can. Could you choose one thing that you feel you might be able to do to look after yourself and then focus on doing it?

Remember, it's not real. What is real is that you'll be home soon, and getting the help you need, want and deserve.

dontrunwithscissors Mon 17-Jun-13 19:12:06

Thank you. I'm able to be in the library for the next 5 hours or so. Will pack tonight. My psychologist got back to me and said to ring the duty workers when I return (I don't have a CPN). She's going to record this in my notes so they should have an idea without me trying to explain. I might go to my GP, not sure.

23 hours from now, I will start travelling back.

amazingmumof6 Mon 17-Jun-13 19:54:52

it must have felt really good that she contacted you.
I hope you felt comforted by her.

keep strong my love, you can do this!
only 22 hours to go and you are coming home!smile

SugarandSpice126 Mon 17-Jun-13 20:07:27

I hope the library is working well for you, it's so good you've managed to get there and are around people.

It sounds as though you will be able to get help when you're home then. And remember you'll be around comfortable and familiar surroundings with your family around you.

So few hours left until you start travelling now! Less than a day. You've come so far.

Thurlow Mon 17-Jun-13 20:09:36

22 hours! Less than a day, that's brilliant. What time is your flight? Can you go the airport early, do you think that would be a distraction for you?

I was wondering, if you are concerned that you won't be able to put everything in to words when you get home, could you print off this thread or write something down to explain it?

You are doing incredibly. Huge unMNetty hugs.

dontrunwithscissors Mon 17-Jun-13 21:13:57

The flight leaves at 3pm here, 9pm your time. It's a couple of hours to Chicago, then 1.25 hour wait, then 7 hour flight to London, then 2 hour wait, then 2 hour flight to nearest airport to home, then a taxi to the station, then 1.5 hours on the train, then 20 minutes to home in taxi. It's tiring just typing it out. sad

GirlWiththeLionHeart Mon 17-Jun-13 21:18:23

You'll do fine, love. Just keep thinking of home, your bed, you kids, your dh all waiting for you

GirlWiththeLionHeart Mon 17-Jun-13 21:18:51

Also don't think about it all like that, break it down into manageable portions. One at a time x

whethergirl Mon 17-Jun-13 21:56:37

Hope you're having a safe journey home dontrun, you'll be with your family soon and getting the help you need. It's amazing what you've been through and to come this far, really quite proud of you, I know how debilitating mental health can be.

SugarandSpice126 Tue 18-Jun-13 00:11:53

About to drop off to sleep but have to say am so proud of how far you've come..I'll be so happy for you when you finally make it home. It's just one bit left now, you can do it x

dontrunwithscissors Tue 18-Jun-13 02:17:24

Thanks for your messages. 37 hours.

frikonastick Tue 18-Jun-13 02:30:31

Nearly there xxx

GirlWiththeLionHeart Tue 18-Jun-13 08:22:44

Hope you're ok

Jenda Tue 18-Jun-13 08:32:47

I've just seen this but just wanted to say you are doing amazingly and it was a brilliant idea of yours to post on here as you are getting lots of support. Thinking of you on your journey home.

amazingmumof6 Tue 18-Jun-13 08:52:03

you are doing really well, keep going!

soon you'll be at the airport and you can relax.

please let us know when you are there.

if packing helps you focus take your time, otherwise don't stress about it, just chuck it all in and it will get sorted when you are home.

I'm proud of you!smile

whethergirl Tue 18-Jun-13 10:07:24

So looking forward to you being at home and I hope you feel better very soon.

TVTonight Tue 18-Jun-13 10:37:26

Hey there, amazing person. You'll be starting to travel in a couple of hours, home to your family who love you, and who want to see you as much as you, them.

Almost, almost there. Congratulations for keeping yourself safe, despite the impulses/compulsion. You should be proud of yourself for getting through this.

EstelleGetty Tue 18-Jun-13 11:37:48

Dontrun, you have done so very, very well. I know it's been very painful, but I'm astounded that you've been wise and focused enough to keep chatting here AND to keep going into the library for your research. You are a credit to yourself, your family and your department/field.

A long journey with connections is tricky - but keep the end goal of getting home, getting to hold your DH and girls and sleeping in your own bed in mind. You are so close now.

I have GAD, not bipolar, but want to give you a huge hug because I've been in a similar situation - in California, doing research, funded trip, feeling awful. It was a long journey home, but I knew I'd be back in DH's arms at the end of it. And I allowed myself to stock up on the trashiest American magazines available for the journey back blush.

You are a real star, woman. I have so much respect for you.

dontrunwithscissors Tue 18-Jun-13 15:40:06

24 hours

EG. Sorry you also had this. It sucks. I feel quite useless for not being able to get through a trip without going mad. This is my bread and butter. There will be at least two more trips in the next twelve months. If I don't do the research, I can't do the work.

But I won't worry about that for now. Just showering and packing.

EstelleGetty Tue 18-Jun-13 15:55:51

Do not worry about future trips now, Dontrun. As horrible as this experience has been, you can use it to put in place a support/emergency system to use if it happens again.

A good friend who is a lecturer in my dept has just been diagnosed as bipolar. We talk a lot, make sure we are there for each other if we're struggling, especially with research. I don't know if you have a good friend in your dept whose office you can pop into if you're feeling rotten, but for me having that has been a godsend. Just having someone who understands the pressures of academia.

redastra Tue 18-Jun-13 16:13:51

Hi Dontrun!

I have been reading your thread and just wanted to say that you are doing very very well and that you should be proud of yourself for getting through your research trip. I dont know you and I am proud of you!

I am a practice nurse (not cpn trained) but over the years I have worked with a number of people with a variety of conditions (including bipolar) to help them to develop an action plan to deal with problems in the future should they arise while travelling. An action plan gives them the reassurance and the strength to deal with a crisis as it happens and to seek the appropriate help should it be necessary. Many people are concerned about explaining themselves and their illnesses when in a foreign country. It also means that you should have a short course of emergency meds etc with you. It may be worthwhile trying to do this with your husband, GP and psychologist when you get home and are feeling more settled.

It would give you the reassurance that you can manage your condition when you have to go away again, but also wih the knowledge that you have resources to turn to when needed.

PM me if you want any further info!

Take care and remember that you are nearly home, break the next 24 hours in to small chunks and count them and you will be home xxx

bolshieoldcow Tue 18-Jun-13 16:46:57

Hey! So excited for you that you're almost home smile

You've done so incredibly well these past twelve days - it's a real credit to you that you have sought help where you could, done what you could, and you've got through it all. You're on your way home now, this is the last part, and once that plane takes off, you can relax knowing that it's almost done. Your family will be so pleased to have you back home. Each part of the journey takes you closer to the arms of the people who love you. Each hour en route is another hour you don't have to worry about getting through again.

As red and estelle say, don't worry too much about future trips - you've learned from this experience and what you've gone through means that future trips won't end up like this. But for now, just focus on the steps of the journey taking you home!

Bon voyage xx

dontrunwithscissors Tue 18-Jun-13 17:59:16

Thank you both. I'm just waiting for the taxi to take me to the airport. It was good to say bye to the hotel room.

I've been thinking about the emergency med route-I'm sure that will be a good idea in future. I shiuld have asked about this before as i had a similar thing happen with my last trip, except it didn't hit until a week after my return. I've been very well for the last 10 months so just didn't consider that I might have problems out here. Oh well.

21 hours.

chipsahoy Tue 18-Jun-13 18:36:33

Just wanted to add my support.
If you are still feeling terrible when you get home, go straight to A &E.

I am so sorry it's been so rough for you. You will be home soon.

Thurlow Tue 18-Jun-13 19:16:55

So nearly the flight!!

Hang in there, you on the very last leg and you have been amazing. I know I don't know you bar some words over the internet, but I am so proud of how strong you have been and how well you have coped. It's been 11 days and you are still fighting this. It's incredible.

I know you might not be able to post much on the airport and on the flight but let us know you are home in the UK if you can.

dontrunwithscissors Tue 18-Jun-13 20:04:12

I have coffee and cake. The airport has wifi so just sat here flicking around.

Struggling with the bustle of the airport and feeling very jumpy as I keep seeing shadows moving out of the corner of my eye. Listening to music to try to down things out. I wish they'd invented teleportation by now!

I made the mistake of posting on another forum about the TV 'problem' and got told by one poster to stop being a drama queen and that it was no reason to rush off to the CMHT. I know I shouldn't listen to someone who's barely literate, but I'm second guessing myself now.

SugarandSpice126 Tue 18-Jun-13 20:16:56

You're bloody incredible dontrun , I'm so relieved for you that you're nearly home. Listening to music is a good idea. Do you have a book/magazine? Airports are so busy, not surprised you feel jumpy..but despite that you're still doing so so well.

Definitely do NOT take any notice of that stupid, ignorant poster. Sadly there are quite a few horrible people like that in the world, and therefore a lot of them on forums. You're not being dramatic! I suspect they don't even know what bi-polar is. You're being sensible and brave and successfully getting through an incredibly difficult time.

Gunznroses Tue 18-Jun-13 20:20:09

OP try to take your mind off the idiot on other forim, do you know any jokes ? Ds favourite joke:

What's the diffetence between England and a teabag ?

Ans:

A teabag stays longer in the cup!grin

Hope it makes you laugh.

dontrunwithscissors Tue 18-Jun-13 20:21:05

Sadly, she claims to be a MH professional. In fact, that makes a lot of sense. (I don't mean to knock all MH people, some are amazing, but I've come across people with that attitude before.)

I have my kindle and some Ted lectures to listen to on my phone.

BrianTheMole Tue 18-Jun-13 20:21:49

Well done dontrun, you're doing really well.

dontrunwithscissors Tue 18-Jun-13 20:22:27

Gunz--that was confused for a while and then smile blush

amazingmumof6 Tue 18-Jun-13 20:29:29

when are you going to board?
when is take off?

you are doing brilliantly! well dne for occupying yourself!
and definitely only listen to us, not some ignorant idiots!wink

we are all here for you, holding your hand, you're on the homerun now baby!smile

gunz-good one!

Gunznroses Tue 18-Jun-13 20:31:56

Good! smile i just need to find more jokes now, anyone?

Joke:

What did the fart call the bum?

Ans:

fatbum!

Oh dear!blush

dontrunwithscissors Tue 18-Jun-13 20:32:20

Boarding in 20 mins.

I'm the crazy cow sat rocking slightly who everyone is hoping they don't have to sit next to.

amazingmumof6 Tue 18-Jun-13 20:32:44

oh, and try to drink lots of water, if you are nicely hydrated you'll cope better with jetlag and all.

go girl!smile

amazingmumof6 Tue 18-Jun-13 20:34:45

oh sod them all, I'll sit next to you!

keep posting, I'll be checking back as much as I can.

you are almost there!smile

Thurlow Tue 18-Jun-13 20:42:41

Ignore anyone who looks at you. Who cares as long as you are on that plane and flying home?

Gunznroses Tue 18-Jun-13 20:44:40

Thanks amazingmum. dontrun think of all those people naked and have a bit of a giggle!

You ARE nearly there, YOU are a fighter. Think about the happy faces waiting for you at the other end, think you said you dds? Hmmm...think about their warm cheeks and let it warm you and calm you.

dontrunwithscissors Tue 18-Jun-13 20:55:34

Flight delayed by an hour. No way to make the connection. Looks like the other two flights out are full. Next flight to London tomorrow. Another. 24 hours. Sat here trying not to cry.

Thurlow Tue 18-Jun-13 20:57:44

Oh, dont. Where is the connection? Can you at least get on your flight and then be somewhere different getting another flight back to the UK?

Wonderstuff Tue 18-Jun-13 20:58:08

Oh no. You must be gutted. But a day will pass, you will be home soon. Thinking of you.

Wonderstuff Tue 18-Jun-13 21:01:18

If you geton the delayed flight you'll be in Chicago right? May be that the UK flight also gets delayed, or a seat becomes available on the next flight?

Scruffey Tue 18-Jun-13 21:06:46

Keep hanging in there, you are doing well. You can manage the final push. The delay is a shame but you can do it. It's a short amount of time compared to the amount of time you had to wait when you first posted.

dearcathyandclare Tue 18-Jun-13 21:07:37

Hold on really tight, and you will not fall. Is there a chaplain at the airport? Someone perhaps to connect to?

chartreuse Tue 18-Jun-13 21:23:48

Oh you poor thing. Hang on, you are nearly there. You are incredible to have survived the last few weeks, you will get through this. You will be home with your girls soon.

whethergirl Tue 18-Jun-13 21:26:13

Oh I'm sorry to hear that dont, it must feel like a huge dissappointment but if you can get this far, you can make it through an extra 24 hours. You can do it, you're bloody amazing. Don't forget, as vulnerable as you might feel right now, an amazing amount of strength and courage is required to have coped with your mental health issue. You have been an inspiration, and I will remember you when I need to draw strength to deal with my own mental health issues.

I am so angry at that woman calling you a drama queen, especially if she really is a MH professional!! I don't want to believe that it's true, I'm sure she is just an unkind and ignorant person.

dontrunwithscissors Tue 18-Jun-13 21:40:32

Got on a later plane so will just be two hours late. Will try to regain composure after blubbing my way to the ticket desk.

Wonderstuff Tue 18-Jun-13 21:42:09

You're doing grand.

Thurlow Tue 18-Jun-13 21:48:19

Back on track! See, it was meant to be, you coming home now.

dearcathyandclare Tue 18-Jun-13 22:02:41

Blub away! You've worked really hard the past few days x

dearcathyandclare Tue 18-Jun-13 22:04:00

And flowers to welcome you home.

bolshieoldcow Tue 18-Jun-13 22:06:07

Oh my goodness, you're doing brilliantly, you keep on in there, girl, and get through this journey one step at a time. You're keeping an amazing positive attitude here, even when things like nasty ignorant internetters make unhelpful comments, or flights are delayed and connections slip. So pleased that you're on the way home and that the journey continues... flowers

bolshieoldcow Tue 18-Jun-13 22:17:34

...also, when you arrive in London and you go through the gates, just imagine a whole gaggle of MN-ers jumping up and down and cheering you on. Cos we totally are. x

evelynj Tue 18-Jun-13 23:06:39

Bolshiecow, that's so sweet & I echo the sentiments. You are doing great and you are an inspiration. I've been blubbing at airports foe much less reason than that. You are on the final leg of the journey now & the goal is in sight. Travel safe & drink plenty & let us know when you get home. Take care x

amazingmumof6 Tue 18-Jun-13 23:08:13

true that bolshie!

(btw good teamwork people, so far so good!)

[thumbs up emoticon]

dontrun
I hope you are having a good rest on the plane, we've got everything crossed for you!

you can do it, you will get home soon!smile

TVTonight Tue 18-Jun-13 23:16:43

Glad your on the way. Home safe soon! Thinking of you.

SugarandSpice126 Wed 19-Jun-13 01:18:22

So happy you're on your way home - you can do it!! Really would be waving you in if I were anywhere nearby! Even if there are more delays you can cope, don't doubt yourself. You've done so so well.

You can still talk on here when you're at home too. I hope you get appointments soon. I'm sure things will ease when you are home with surroundings and people you know.

So: music, trashy magazines, snacks, water...anything to keep you going. I'm currently lying in bed (can't sleep) smiling like an idiot, as I'm so overwhelmed by your strength and how far you've come. I know it's been terrifying for you, but let this be a sign to you that whenever things get really tough, you have proof you can get through it. Let us know when you land/or when you're at connecting airport if there's wifi there. Good luck for the final journey home smile

Thurlow Wed 19-Jun-13 10:05:21

Today is the day you are home!

dontrunwithscissors Wed 19-Jun-13 11:15:31

Thank you for the cheers. Lovely to read when i put my phone on. In London waiting for the connection. Everything else on time now. Another 6 hours and counting.

Jenda Wed 19-Jun-13 11:40:36

6 hours! You've done amazingly well and you're on home soil. Just the last little bit now smile

amazingmumof6 Wed 19-Jun-13 11:42:38

bravo!

you are a star!

Champagne is in the fridge - can't wait for you to get home safely! smile

Thurlow Wed 19-Jun-13 11:54:04

6 hours is nothing compared to what you have already done.

Best of luck getting help when you are at home, please let us know how you are.

flowers for your homecoming!

TVTonight Wed 19-Jun-13 12:03:48

Well done! Truly well done you!

SugarandSpice126 Wed 19-Jun-13 12:52:33

Well done!! You've done so incredibly well, and just a few hours to get through now. Let us know when you're home safely.

EstelleGetty Wed 19-Jun-13 14:00:01

Yippee! You're back on home turf! I'll get the kettle on for cups of tea and biscuits all round and then we'll crack open amazingmum's champers.

Seriously, really, really well done my dear. flowers

dontrunwithscissors Wed 19-Jun-13 17:00:36

Home!

redastra Wed 19-Jun-13 17:07:26

Good! Glad you are home safely, you have done so well! Have you managed to get an appointment sorted yet?

chartreuse Wed 19-Jun-13 17:09:12

Well done, you deserve a medal!

dontrunwithscissors Wed 19-Jun-13 17:10:39

No they close at 5 and I'm only just back. Not the kind of stuff I could talk about in the train. Will try and talk to someone tomorrow. Dd2 was so happy to see me. Just waiting for dd1 to get home.

bolshieoldcow Wed 19-Jun-13 17:22:52

grin so happy for you! Welcome home grin have some brew or wine and flowers!!

You got through a really tough time, and shown what you are made of - well done and wishing you a happy night with your family tonight and a speedy return to a more even keel in mental health terms. xxxx

SugarandSpice126 Wed 19-Jun-13 17:42:35

So so happy that you're home safely!! You thought you couldn't do it but you have really proven to yourself that you can get through the really tough times. I hope you enjoy spending time with your family tonight, and that you manage to book appointments tomorrow.

I remember you said earlier in the thread that you worried you might stay disconnected and act like everything's ok even though it's not. It would be fantastic if you were instantly completely settled and normal at home now, but remember if it still feels bad, we're all here for you, and you have all the support you need in RL life. I have such faith that you will be able to work through this and return to stability as you were before. We're all cheering for you!

Gunznroses Wed 19-Jun-13 18:02:19

You're home, fantastic! Well done, how are you feeling ?

dontrunwithscissors Wed 19-Jun-13 18:04:44

Great. Looks like I've got food poisoning.

amazingmumof6 Wed 19-Jun-13 18:06:39

and breathe out...

so happy you are home safe and sound, I'm so relieved I'm welling up!

so so proud of you!

Champagne anyone, let's celebrate!
you did it, you are amazing! smile

SugarandSpice126 Wed 19-Jun-13 18:38:08

Are you sure it's food poisoning? When did you start being ill? Hope you're ok.

Gunznroses Wed 19-Jun-13 19:34:05

OP how are you? Are you being sick?

amazingmumof6 Wed 19-Jun-13 19:38:18

sorry, just realized it was x-post!blush

dontrunwithscissors Wed 19-Jun-13 20:16:54

hmm, I think it was actually Quetiapine withdrawal. I only took 200mg instead of 275mg on the flight last night as I wouldn't have been able to walk in a straight line. I took 25mg and it stopped within 30 mins. shock

I'm having second thoughts about speaking to the CMHT tomorrow. It's so hard to talk to a stranger, even though the psych has left a record on my notes. I could go to my GP, but she'll probably just send me over to the CMHT. Or I could tough it out to Monday. confused I'm set on auto-pilot and am putting a face on it so I think I will probably 'look' OK to people who don't know me. The ironic thing is that the worse I feel, the less distressed I become. Anyway, I will stop prattling. It's good to be at home. (Except my Mum is talking ten to the dozen at me and I really don't have the mental energy for it.)

Unfortunatelyanxious Wed 19-Jun-13 21:54:46

Well done getting home, I think you deserve a medal getting through that time

amazingmumof6 Wed 19-Jun-13 22:18:36

\/
smile

medal

SugarandSpice126 Wed 19-Jun-13 22:29:12

Glad it's not food poisoning then! That would have been a crap reward for finally getting home!

It is really hard to talk to a stranger, but unfortunately it will always be hard the first time. With this kind of illness I personally wouldn't advise "toughing it out". All that is doing is internalising your feelings and could very likely make things worse. I think just going for it and talking would be the best option, but you know yourself better than I do, obviously. It won't be easy, but then neither were the last few weeks, and you managed those. You could see your GP before you see CMHT, if that would help?

And nice medal amazingmumof6 ! Wish we could send you a real medal dontrun, you really do deserve it!

whethergirl Wed 19-Jun-13 23:16:26

Welcome home! flowers

I managed to hide my depression and anxiety from others for years, but the issue is how you feel yourself.

You must be terribly exhausted, but if you can manage to see the CMHT and just tell them what you've been through, I think it would be the next best step. You are home and in a safer place but this still needs to be dealt with. Perhaps it's just too much to think about now, just enjoy being at home for now!

dontrunwithscissors Thu 20-Jun-13 09:41:25

Just waiting for the duty worker to ring me back after speaking to pdoc. Struggling like hell. Couldn't sleep last night. I kept drifting off and then dreaming I was hanging and waking straight back up again. Signs and messages today.

Mirages Thu 20-Jun-13 10:02:39

It seems that that you can't take jet-lag anymore. About those signs etc. You are aware of them so they could just be obsessive thinking because of your sleep deprivation. You are suffering from jet-lag again after coming back, again... Hopefully you get good sleeping pills from your doc.

bolshieoldcow Thu 20-Jun-13 11:56:31

offers a hand to hold

Sorry to hear you had a rough night - and so glad that you've reached out and are getting some help today. It might take a wee while, but I'm confident that you will get back to a comfortable, stable state before long. These long journeys and time-zone shifts are tough for anyone, let alone someone who's been through what you have...

Have you managed to eat today? Even a brew and a biscuit might help bring your blood sugar up and give you a boost.

But the main thing is - you're home! And you're safe. Good luck today.

dontrunwithscissors Thu 20-Jun-13 12:06:54

I hope people don't mind if I keep prattling on? I'm trying to keep busy but can't read. I've spoken to the duty worker. She tried to get me seen earlier, but pdoc is away. I see him on Tuesday, though. Going to GP later to get something to help with sleep.

I didn't post about this earlier as I was so confused, but I so nearly didn't make it back. I have a memory of attempting, but I think maybe I hallucinated that part as there are no marks. I'm still confused. I'd certainly gone as far as preparing and writing notes. How horrible.

I was looking forward to being back. I thought that would make it better, but I feel just as bad. Can't cope being aound people. I can't tell my parents as they would be devastated. They've got the TV on and I keep hearing messages so I'm pretending to be sleeping, even thoug hevery time I fall asleep I dream that I'm dying and jolt back awake again. It feels like torture. I'm gutted. I thought I wouldn't be back here again after the new med's.

bolshieoldcow Thu 20-Jun-13 12:14:44

Of course we don't mind! Keep on posting here - we're all cheering you on and sending positive vibes your way.

It must be so scary to be in a situation where you're not sure what's real. And I'm so sad that you may have been so close to attempting sad but hugely relieved that your survival instincts were stronger. You have been so strong throughout this, you're amazing.

Could you say something to your parents? Not necessarily everything if you're not feeling up to it, but a little - if the TV is distressing for you, then you can ask them to turn it off. I know they might be upset, but they would be more upset surely if they thought you were trying to struggle alone when they might be able to help, or at least understand?

dontrunwithscissors Thu 20-Jun-13 12:19:54

I might try to get them to stay another day. They're knackered--they've found it very hard (physically) to help look after the girls. They're in their 70s.

I'm gutted it's getting worse. I was hanging on to getting home, but I just feel worse than ever. Haven't got a clue how I'll make it through the weekend. Haven't got a clue how I'll make it through the next hour. Seeing GP at 3.30. Maybe that will help.

I feel like the world's worst mother to have spent so much time away from DD2 and then I'm hiding out up here.

bolshieoldcow Thu 20-Jun-13 12:25:45

The GP will help! And you'll get through the weekend like you have the past days - an hour at a time, if it's getting bad. But remember that here in the UK, you also have access to all the MH support that you need, crisis teams and CMHN and so on. You're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

And as for being the worlds worst mother...you're not. She'll be happy that you're home but wee ones don't have that sense of time or perspective that adults do, so there's no way she's sitting around thinking 'i can't believe mum's been upstairs for three hours...'. You're doing what you need to do to be the best Mum you can be.

Could you maybe read her a story or do some colouring together? That might help take your mind off things, without being too intense an activity?

redastra Thu 20-Jun-13 12:26:40

Hi dontrun,

I know it is hard, you are nearly there. See the Gp this afternoon and explain, if you find it hard to explain print out your opening post from here - it will be a good starting point.

Are you near any other mumsnetters, is there anything we can do to help?

Just remember that you are not alone and you will get through this!!

amazingmumof6 Thu 20-Jun-13 12:28:10

you are not the worst mother, you are ill!

would you call yourself a bad mum if you couldn't do anything because of a broken hip? no

please try and let go of guilty feelings.
also just tell your parents that the tv is too loud, you are not feeling well and trying to rest.
that is acceptable!

good luck with GP app.

and keep posting, we are here, as long as you want to talk to us we'll listen and hold your hand!

(hugs)

dontrunwithscissors Thu 20-Jun-13 15:49:13

Got some sleep meds from GP. Shook like a leaf the whole time. Really hope they work. Parents are going to stay another night and help look after dd2.

SnowyMouse Thu 20-Jun-13 17:00:21

Good luck dontrunwithscissors

whethergirl Thu 20-Jun-13 22:08:44

You are exhausted and still jet lagged so of course that is not going to help how you feel. Sleep deprivation alone can bring on hallucinations! The combination of catching up on sleep, the jet lag wearing off and being at home will definitely help.

Can I ask, have you been completely honest with your GP about how you've been feeling? I just can't believe you could be feeling this low and you're not getting any kind of emergency treatment? I know the sleeping pills will help, but surely someone more qualified should be looking into this? I'm so sorry you've been through such an awful time.

Don't be disheartened. You've been well and you can be well again. You are an amazing mum and you can tell the kids you're not well, it's just nice for them to have you in the house I'm sure. Every month I spend at least a day curled up on the sofa with menstrual cramps and can't even talk to ds, I'm a single mum so he has just had to occupy himself for the day.

Your health is top priority - over your dc. Just focus on doing whatever makes you feel better, and just get away from that TV, you shouldn't have to put with that. If your parents can't really understand your situation with your health, just pretend you have flu or something, but they need to know that you're not well.

Keep posting, I know that one day you will post to tell us you're feeling so much better. With your strength, courage and determination - I am confident you can get through this!

dontrunwithscissors Fri 21-Jun-13 13:59:51

Thannk you everyone. Didn't sleep much better last night. I kept having the same dream of me hanging myself.

Spoke to duty worker and she's referred me to Acute Response for weekend support, but they're so busy they can only probably do telephone support. But at least there's someone there.

Getting closer by the minute, but still can't bear the thought of hospital. I'm not even sure if I want to be stopped. Poor DH is going to be under such pressure. His work are being b's and the last thing he needs is this again. I'm going to sit down tonight and tell him he has my blessing to go and take the kids if he can't manage this. It's the least I can do for him. At least then. I'll be free to end this.

SnowyMouse Fri 21-Jun-13 14:34:06

I'm sorry your sleep is so disrupted, it makes everything that much harder. Have you got anything you can take to help you sleep? Keep talking to people.

bolshieoldcow Fri 21-Jun-13 16:55:43

dontrun I'm so so sorry to hear how bad you are feeling. But you will always, always be important to your family. Your husband and children love you and want you to be there, part of the family. Your feelings are not telling you the true story. Please believe me.

I strongly recommend that you seek urgent help from qualified professionals. Show them what you've written above. If it's coming to this then you do need some active help to stabilise the medication and get the chemicals in your brain in order again so that you can see things as they really are.

If it takes admission to hospital, then please do that. Because you are so strong and vital and important - you deserve to get through this and so do your family. Those lovely daughters of yours want their mum beside them as they grow up and I think you want that too.

This is not your fault. It is an illness you are experiencing. As someone said upthread, if it was a broken leg, you would seek the medical support needed to fix it, wouldn't you?

If your husband's work are being unhelpful then suggest he get in touch with Citizens Advice to see what you are entitled to in the way of help and what his legal situation is. He will want to stand by you and see you getting better again. And you will get better. This, the way you are feeling, this is not forever. It does get better. You will get better.

Please, ask for help, ask your family to help you get help, and don't stop until you are getting it.

xxx

dontrunwithscissors Fri 21-Jun-13 17:52:51

He won't let me sad.

whethergirl Fri 21-Jun-13 19:15:22

He won't let you what, dontrun?

I just don't think your GP/duty worker realise how bad you feel. You need to tell them. dontrun, the part of you that says you want to end this, is not the real you. You will know that one day, when you're feeling better and look back on this. How you're feeling right now is not how life really is, your perspective is skewed. You do have a life worth living. You children do need you, no matter how much you convince yourself otherwise.

Please, take the steps needed to get the medical attention you need. Get better. Then you can be in the right frame of mind to decide whether your life is worth living or not. But don't end your life when you are feeling your worst, you're not giving your life a fair chance that way.

SugarandSpice126 Sat 22-Jun-13 00:25:48

dontrun those feelings you're having aren't you, they're the illness. They are not real. I know it's so hard to tell the difference when you're in that dark place but please trust what you knew before this - that your family love you and care for you and need you to be around. They don't want to lose you, they would be devastated. It's so common for people who feel suicidal to think that their families would be better off without them - the fact that this is such a common feeling is proof that it's the illness talking, not the person. You are loved and cherished.

Please tell your GP/whichever professional you feel able to tell how bad it's been and that you're having these feelings. They will help and make sure you are safe. Please remember this is temporary. You said things have been stable before when your medication is right, and when your medication is balanced and you've had time to readjust, things will feel good again.

Keep reminding yourself that you got through a tremendously tough time abroad, and you can do it again now. You are strong enough. Please keep talking to us, we'll always be here.

whethergirl Sat 22-Jun-13 12:32:43

How are you dontrun?

I agree with everything Sugar and bolshie have said.

I have felt suicidal before (have had 2 attempts in my lifetime). Each time, I was convinced it was the right thing to do. I was convinced that people I knew either didn't care about me or would be better off without me. I truly believed it, that was my reality. The suffering I was going through was so bad, that death was the only way I could think of stopping it. My mind played tricks on me, but it was my reality. It's so hard to distinguish what's real and what isn't, in that state of mind.

But now, I am better and I know that death wasn't the only way, and it would have been the wrong choice to make. Friends and family would have been devastated. And all for what? Because within a few months, all those suicidal thoughts had gone. I began to enjoy life again, and I never thought I could be happy, ever again. The illness makes you think like that. It's not true.

You absoloutely can get better, you can enjoy a normal happy life, and your current reality can just evaporate into thin air, leaving you relieved that you did not go ahead with suicide.

dontrunwithscissors Sat 22-Jun-13 14:03:51

He said he wouldn't let me kill myself. I just feel like he will get used to me being gone in time.

I phoned crisis team last night, but they didn't ask about my plans and I couldn't say. Pretty useless. They said they'd phone back today but I'm not holding my breath. So I'm alone. I'm laid in bed listening to music to block all the thoughts and messages out and posting on the web with my phone. I'm just at a loss. I keep going back and forth and setting things up and walking away and telling myself no. Trying to make it through until my appointment on Monday but it seems a lifetime away.

bolshieoldcow Sat 22-Jun-13 23:12:38

Aw, dont, of course he won't let you kill yourself, nobody wants that to happen. And he would not, ever, get over it. Neither would your daughters. They love you and they want you to get well again, not take yourself out of their lives forever.

I'm really worried about you, especially when you say that you're setting things up.

sugar and whethergirl are both talking sense - please re-read their posts? What your thoughts are telling you just now isn't real, and when you are feeling better and your condition is stablilsed, you'll be able to see that. Right now, though, please believe us when we tell you that this is not forever. You can and will get better. Hold on.

I do hope that the crisis team has phoned you back - but if they've not, please phone them again yourself. Don't wait to get help. You don't have to wait until Monday. You can ask for help right now.

The sooner you are stable, the sooner you can be back enjoying your life and family again. Would it help if you wrote down how you're feeling and the messages you're experiencing and read that out on the phone, rather than wait for them to ask the right question to unlock your plans?

I'm glad you're doing what you can to distract yourself and I really hope that you start feeling better soon. Suicide is not the answer, dont - you have lots to live for, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

kizzie Sat 22-Jun-13 23:26:54

Im so sorry you are having to go through such a horrible time.
You did incredibly to get through that trip.

For what its worth I think the journey/jet lag/pressure of being away from home/ lack of sleep just really whacked you.

If you can try and hang on t the fact that you were well enough not very long ago to arrange to business trip to the other side of the world - and you went - on your own.

This is a hideous time you are going through - but it will pass. You've got to just mark the time till that happens. Hold on.

Thinking of you.

SugarandSpice126 Sun 23-Jun-13 03:27:03

Can't sleep but exhausted, so this post will be short and sweet (and probably not make much sense!).

Please focus on the fact that it is this illness that is making you feel these horrible feelings. Your DH (and family) would not be better off without you and he (and rest of family) would not get over it easily. Repeat this every hour/every minute if you have to - it's the truth. Try to think of it from another point of view and imagine your husband was in your situation. You would know that what he was thinking wasn't real, despite what he said. It feels so patronising to say "you don't know what you're thinking, dontrun", but these horrible illnesses take away our logic and our rational thinking. Don't fight life, fight the illness.

Please try your best to open up to your DP and all professionals you talk to - they will listen to you and help you. Have you spoken to Acute Response yet this weekend? I know it feels so scary to talk about these feelings, but there will be no judgement, only support. If you feel really desperate, call them immediately. That's what they're there for.

And offload everything you want to on here too, we're all here for you. You can tell us what you're really feeling, even if it's awful. I know sometimes you can feel as though you don't want to let people down by saying how bad you're feeling, but all of our/DP's/professional's focus is on getting you better.

Your life is extremely precious, and nothing can replace it. You can get through this, just as you got through your time abroad.

whethergirl Mon 24-Jun-13 00:08:35

Thinking of you dontrun. I hope some of what you are reading here is helping and giving you the strength to ignore your impulse towards suicide.

It's shit how you're feeling, it really is. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I know it feels unbearable, but it's just a matter of time until you feel better. Please get some help, tell them you have started making arrangements to kill yourself, they need to know how serious this is.

SugarandSpice126 Mon 24-Jun-13 00:47:36

Still thinking of you. Please continue to post on here as often as you need, even if you think it's just ranting about what's going on in your head at a particular moment...we're all here to listen and help.

whethergirl Mon 24-Jun-13 11:14:27

Hope you are alright dontrun and have at least managed to get some more sleep xx

TVTonight Mon 24-Jun-13 12:05:35

Hope you've been able to get to the doc today.
Stay safe

amazingmumof6 Mon 24-Jun-13 17:12:49

dontrun hope you are doing ok, I keep thinking of you!

hope you get the help you need. (hug)

Thurlow Mon 24-Jun-13 19:56:53

Hi dontrun, hoping you are still checking in and reading this, but hoping even more than as it is Monday you have managed to get some help.

Your DH says he won't let you do anything. Please believe him. They all love you so much, and if they could know how much you did to get back to them they would be even prouder than they already obviously are of you.

SnowyMouse Mon 24-Jun-13 20:32:06

Take care dontrun

SugarandSpice126 Tue 25-Jun-13 00:10:53

Checking in again, I'm still here, as is everyone else. Talk to us whenever you feel ready x

dontrunwithscissors Tue 25-Jun-13 07:35:48

Not much help yet. Still struggling along. Acute response were pretty crap. They used to be good but can see they're under much more pressure. Hospital has been mentioned but there are no beds so would need to go out of area and that place is awful. There are still mixed dormitories in some parts. See psychiatrist at 11.30 today. At last.

bolshieoldcow Tue 25-Jun-13 09:14:21

Hope the appointment today goes well for you and that your psychiatrist is able to provide some real help and backup for you. Do, please, make sure you tell her/him everything that's been happening so they can respond appropriately.

Well done for managing to get this far - you have been amazing and strong. We are all here for you, and wish you well. Take care and stay safe. x

SugarandSpice126 Tue 25-Jun-13 15:58:59

How was the psychiatrist? Let us know how it went if you'd like to.

You're doing incredibly well, you really are. Keep going x

dontrunwithscissors Tue 25-Jun-13 16:44:38

Thank you to this board for keeping me going over the last few weeks--it's been so much appreciated.

I saw my pdoc today and he believes that this is all down to me being ridiculously sensitive to changes in sleep patterns (which I agree with.) I have another 4 weeks of zopliclone and continue with the increased Quetiapine--just hoping that my sleep clicks back in to place.

One thing that made a massive amount of sense is that the antidepressant I take, Agomelatine, may have been affected by it all. It's a new type of antidepressant that--because it works on melatonin/your body clock--only works if you take it at night. Taking it in the morning means it might as well be a smartie. SO....I was taking at it 11pm, US time, but my brain was still registering it as 5am (UK time). Ergo, it may have been the equivalent of not taking it as all. It's been this medication that has absolutely turned my life around so that all makes a lot of sense. (Shame I didn't know this before I went.)

Anyway, I have a CPN coming to see me tomorrow as I'll be on my own for the first time. Still feeling very odd, tired, and struggling, but there's a tiny chink of light on the horizon.

xxxxx

TVTonight Tue 25-Jun-13 22:23:20

You sound a lot better today compared to Saturday. I am glad things are improving.

bolshieoldcow Wed 26-Jun-13 03:06:53

Oh, dont I'm so so so pleased that you've had some answers and some explanation of why your medication wasn't working as well as it had been. And hurrah for tiny chinks of light. I hope that the chinks soon widen into blinding rays of glorious sunshine smile Hopefully your sleep patterns will settle soon.

Keep on posting here if you feel you can xx

SodaStreamy Wed 26-Jun-13 03:17:26

You sound full of life and a person full of life

please think about getting in touch with the help you have

we are all here for you

amazingmumof6 Wed 26-Jun-13 10:17:09

dontrun I'm so glad you figured out what made you worse and so happy that you are feeling more positive!

so so happy for you! it was a clever move posting here, and remember to come back should you ever need to.

You're never alone, someone will ALWAYS hold your hand! lots os love, I'm so proud of you! ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

whethergirl Wed 26-Jun-13 10:38:36

That all makes perfect sense dontrun, I'm so glad you've managed to get some answers. I'm sure it will be uphill from now on.

I'm so relieved and pleased for you! I know you're still feeling awful but at least we know you will begin to feel better, and that chink of light is proof that it has already started.

kizzie Wed 26-Jun-13 13:47:15

So pleased to read this :-)
Hope you manage to get plenty of rest to help everything slot into place.
Really interesting to read that about the partic AD you are taking.

bolshieoldcow Thu 27-Jun-13 09:44:26

How're you doing today, dont? Hope yesterday went okay for you, and that you're starting to feel a wee bit better. x

dontrunwithscissors Thu 27-Jun-13 14:15:30

Thank you for your good wishes. Went OK with the CPN, although I was shaking like a leaf at first. I'm managing to eat and drink a little bit, which is helping the tiredness. Still not plucked up the courage to leave the house but I guess it's early days. It has definitely helped to have an explanation of why this might have happened, and my pdoc thinks that there will be ways of dealing with this in the future. (As my job requires regular travel to the US.)

SugarandSpice126 Thu 27-Jun-13 20:12:37

I'm so glad you seem to be doing a bit better, dontrun. It's good you've had a lightbulb moment with the Agomelatine, that makes so much sense.

Pleased to hear the cpn meeting went well, even if you were shaking! No-one would expect you to be calm straight away, and you're doing so well bit by bit. And it's ok that you haven't left the house yet. As you say, it is early days and you will get there. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.

Hold on to that little bit of light - you have so much to live for and I'm so happy you seem to be turning a corner.

HoneyandRum Sat 29-Jun-13 07:56:23

In the future if you go back to the US you can plan before you go and find a psychiatrist in the area you will be traveling to. Talk to her/him before you go and have a plan - maybe they can also arrange to call you on a regular basis or email. If you will be in a university setting you can contact the university mental health services. I would plan on meeting with a mh worker within the first 48 hours of arrival so they can help you monitor your meds. This will all be confidential and will not affect your career.

You can also continue contact with help fom the UK so you have plenty of support and understanding.

dontrunwithscissors Sat 29-Jun-13 11:17:50

Yes I'm certainly going to have a plan with pdoc. Perhaps emergency meds. Contact with MH services over there can't happen for a couple of reasons, not least the issue of cost. My Uni will not let me go if I were to suggest that I need medical attention out there. Plus it will raise problems with getting a visa waiver. That was one reason I held out without help over there. But pdoc was hopeful that it could be managed and just knowing the reasons will help if things go wrong. My DH is also talking about trying to come out with me, although not sure my parents could manage the kids. Anyway, it's not going to be until November at the earliest so I can shelve it for now, I guess.

My lovely sister has take both kids out so me and DH can spend some time together as its our wedding anniversary. So hoping my first venture outside will be for a nice meal somewhere.

HoneyandRum Sat 29-Jun-13 20:48:36

How would anyone know you are accessing confidential medical services? Could you pay cash while you are there? I lived in the US for 12 years and it is relatively easy to access the kind of support you would be looking for.

dontrunwithscissors Sun 30-Jun-13 15:11:08

Work would know because they would be paying for it. (No way I could pay for it myself). I think that saying in advance I need medical care would invalidate the insurance they supply as the condition is that I am in full health when I leave. (If that makes sense.)

I guess it would be hard for immigration to know, but I would effectively by lying when I completed the ESTA as it asks you if you have a mental disorder that could present a hazard to myself/ anyone else. Ultimately, though I don't think this will be a problem again. Having spoken again to pdoc, he is confident that this all came down to a problem with the timing of the medication, and there's no reason to think it will happen again. He's also said he can provide some PRN while out there to make sure my sleep doesn't go to pot. It's a relief to have a fairly straightforward answer.

kizzie Mon 01-Jul-13 11:01:23

So glad that you have a clear way forward for any future trips if needed - and that things are starting to settle down :-)

whethergirl Mon 01-Jul-13 23:52:13

dontrun I am so glad that your pdoc got to the bottom of this and that you'll have a plan for future trips.

How are you feeling in yourself now? Did he say how long it would take for you to feel back to your usual self?

SugarandSpice126 Tue 02-Jul-13 01:22:32

Checking in again, let us know how you're getting on if it helps.

Do you know why it didn't occur to them that the different timing of medication would affect you this much? I hope they took your experience and advised other patients accordingly...it could stop someone else going through what you did.

By the way, I hope you had a lovely wedding anniversary! I forgot to say that before. You sound as though you have such a lovely family.

dontrunwithscissors Sat 13-Jul-13 16:56:33

Just venting.....I haven't managed to shake the feeling low/wading through mud since I hit back. Now I'm dropping down again. Open my eyes each morning and think 'crap, I'm still here'. Dtarting to feel suicudal again and all that shit.

And to make it even better, the increased med dose is back to causing the side effect of joint and muscle pain to the point that painkillers are only partly working and I have to crawl up the stairs on my hands and knees.

whethergirl Sun 14-Jul-13 00:09:23

Oh I'm so sorry to hear this, I was hoping you were feeling much better by now. What has your doctor said?

The joint pain sounds awful, on top of everything else. I'm sure you feel you've had enough now, but your doctor really needs to get to the bottom of this. What you have is treatable, the medication might just need tweaking.

I'm truly sorry you're feeling so terrible, I can't imagine how each day must seem like a struggle. I hope you are getting lots of support.

whethergirl Sun 14-Jul-13 00:09:46

How's your sleeping now?

kizzie Sun 14-Jul-13 12:43:05

Sorry you're still feeling so rough :-(. Tbh I would have been surprised if you suddenly felt ok after having such a terrible time in American and then needing to adjust dosage.
I really hope everything settles in the next few days. Are you speaking to Dr etc - don't try and struggle on alone while you wait for everything to calm down flowers

dontrunwithscissors Sun 14-Jul-13 16:49:55

I saw my doc this week but wasn't much good at really saying what was wrong so he doesnt know. II don't see my him again until the end of August and the CPN is on leave until the end of this month.

The joint pain has been there for two years. Weve tried lots of things over that time, including other meds, but they didn't work for my mood and i was in a terrible state. (Much worse than recently.) I've been told its unlikley there is anything else that will work as well so I put up with the pain, and take cocodamol every four hours. Unfortunately, sometimes it really flares up and nothing works. I used to run and do yoga, but haven't been able to for over a year.

My sleep is fine--sleeping too much, really, as I'm constantly exhausted and feel like I'm wading through mud.

Gutted that I'm back to making plans, but trying to cope as I don't feel like I can ask for help.

whethergirl Sun 14-Jul-13 23:13:04

dontrun I'm sorry that you don't feel you can open up to your doc, I think that might be partly due to you being physically/emotionally/mentally exhausted.

Could you write it all down, all your symptoms - physical and mental...copy and paste what you've written here even and email to your doc? He really does need to know.

I'm so glad you feel able to come on here and vent, you are able to express very clearly how you're feeling in writing, so I would urge you pass this information on to your doc.

I'm sure your joint pain is not helped by how low you are feeling, which could easily make you more susceptible to pain. And then the pain won't help with how you're feeling...bit of a vicious cycle. Fwiw I think you're having to put up with a lot right now and you must have amazing strength to be going through this. Of course it feels shit, no-one could go through this with a smile on their face! But things can be so different, your doc needs to know what is going on with you so that he can do his job and get you better.

kizzie Mon 15-Jul-13 16:38:41

dontrun please tell them how you are feeling. The physical pain must just feel like the straw that broke the camels back :-(
If you can get the mental health issues calmed down a bit it will just make everything feel more manageable.
And you were much better mentally just a short while ago as you were able to even contemplate your US trip.
Things will get better but please do tell Dr so they can support you. Its too much to try and do it all on your own.

dontrunwithscissors Mon 15-Jul-13 20:12:10

Problem is that everyone at the CMHT were saying how well I'd managed in the US and how brilliantly I'd bounced back.

I feel like x100 a failure that it was all an illusion and I haven't handled it at all. sad Really struggling tonight with plans for an OD.

whethergirl Mon 15-Jul-13 22:08:18

Thing is, the CMHT are not mind readers, although it is worrying that they tend to take things as face value. When I was severely depressed, I would put on a front whenever I'd see anyone from the CMHT - I think maybe part of illness was that I couldn't admit to having it or not actually realising how depressed I was. Even feeling suicidal became normal to me, although I knew to keep it a secret, which made me more obsessive about it.

However, you did manage brilliantly in the US, no doubt about that. You were at your lowest point and you still came on here for support, and you still made it back home. So they are right there. It wasn't an illusion, I can vouch for that. How can you possibly be a failure? You are ill.

This is serious. If you are seriously considering an OD, then think of it this way; you have a life threatning illness. Therefore you need to be treated, and you have the best chance of success if you are completely honest with your symptoms.

Keep talking to us Dontrun. This is truly horrible what you're experiencing. But believe that you won't always feel this way, and when you feel better, you'll look back and I can 100% guarantee you'll be glad you didn't OD.

I know that if I could travel back in time, I would find myself with handfuls of pills and tell me that although it feels like the right thing to do, it is definitely very wrong. If your future self could speak to you right now, she would give you a big hug, tell you it's going to be alright and tell you to get proper help, and she would beg you not to OD.

kizzie Mon 15-Jul-13 22:42:41

You DID do amazingly to cope in America.

But that doesnt mean that you dont deserve help now.

You're not a failure in anyway - thats just the illness giving you false messages. You need some help to get over this hump.

kizzie Wed 17-Jul-13 13:33:24

How are you doing today dontrun - ive just seen your other thread about samaritans. x

dontrunwithscissors Wed 17-Jul-13 13:36:42

hi kizzie, not so good, unfortunately. I've just posted about last night--took a too few many tablets and really torn over what to do. Just feeling very unsteady and not with it right now. Really fvcked off with myself for being so stupid.

dontrunwithscissors Fri 19-Jul-13 01:28:02

Just home from a and e after overdose. Am ok. Shattered and so fed up.

dontrunwithscissors Fri 19-Jul-13 09:56:50

Lied through my teeth to the psych last night. Came home intending to take another overdose but actually slept quite well. I think I was so exhausted. Eugh.

whethergirl Fri 19-Jul-13 23:02:59

sad I'm not sure what to say dontrun. Either you speak honestly to the docs about how you're feeling, or I guess you'll take another overdose. If you die, then yes, all your pain and suffering as you know it, will end. On the other hand, all the pain and suffering will then be passed on to your dcs, who will forever be affected by your death.

kizzie Sat 20-Jul-13 20:25:13

dontrun I'm so sorry I've only just seen this - for some reason i couldn't see that you had replied.
Anyway - I'm sorry it's all so hard at the m

kizzie Sat 20-Jul-13 20:28:58

So hard at the moment :-(.

I'm sure you know really that you've got to be honest with the drs. You've got to give yourself a decent chance to get better for both you and your children.
The last couple of weeks must have been horrendous for you but it's only actually a few weeks since you were well enough to even contemplate going to US on your own - and you will get back to that - but you've got to give yourself a fighting chance.

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