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Contemplating suicide

(993 Posts)
BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 02:44:02

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

kiwigirl42 Sat 11-May-13 02:50:24

we're here to listen to you and help as much as we can. if you can, ring The Samaritans as they are trained to help you. other people will be along to help more in the morning but you are not alone anymore sweetheart.
it would be a good idea to see your GP asap as well to access support. things can get better.

I don't know what to do either but I am listening. You sound like a lovely loving person. Who is in a lot of pain. So, if it helps to know that a stranger is here and wishing you strength then I am reading your words and thinking of you from 12, 000 miles away.

And there are other people reading now as I type this.
And you are not alone.

kiwigirl42 Sat 11-May-13 02:53:32

if possible speak to your mum or a trusted teacher about how low you are feeling. it would break your mum's heart to lose you. you have your whole life ahead of you. it is not a weakness to ask for help - If overwhelmed please ring 999 or go to emergency room.

kiwigirl42 Sat 11-May-13 02:56:38

sorry, me again wink wink I have a teenage son. it would completely devestate my life if he died. please don't do it to yourself or your mum. try to distract yourself tonight and not listen to that nasty little voice in your head (hugs)

Your dad died in January.
I don't know you or how you are feeling. I know that to lose a parent is horrifically painful, devastating and the pain can be almost unendurable.
I can understand how you just want the pain to stop and the sadness and anger and torment to stop.

I cannot make it go away. I can tell you, truthfully, that you do not have to go through this alone, that your self and your life is precious and unique and special and that you are loved and you will be loved in the future. That this raw pain will not always be clawing at you and that the darkness will lift and you will start to feel something other than pain and despair.

You are not alone and there are people who you can speak to right now, who will comfort and listen. They will not judge. You can say anything to them. You do not even have to tell then your real name. You do not even have to talk much. You can just phone them and hold on while they are there. They are totally confidential and safe to talk to.

Please think about picking up the phone.
CALL
08457 90 90 90* (UK)
1850 60 90 90* (ROI)
If there's something troubling you, then get in touch.

24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
*call charges apply

EMAIL
jo@samaritans.org

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 03:11:14

@KiwiGirl - Thank you for the reponse(s). You mentioning that you have a teenage kid is what has been holding me back. Sure there is that self-preservation instinct inside me that fights the thought of death, but after reading that story about the mum who lost her boy to suicide (I was planning to kill myself tonight actually - I was just waiting on getting the rope) it really made me think about my mum. She might have abandoned me and she's not perfect, but I know she loves me and I love her and I know it would devastate her. Thank you for your response. I have found a bit of solace in your words and your concern.

claraschu Sat 11-May-13 03:15:52

You have been through hell, abandoned by your mother and then losing your father, who sounds like an amazing person. Of course you are suffering right now.

Life can be wonderful, and you sound like a wonderful person. It also sounds like your mother really loves and cares about you. Please please get help from someone. It can be someone you know, or someone on the end of a phone line, or a doctor at A and E.

Try calling Samaritans 08457 909090, Childline 0800 1111, or Papyrus 0800 0684141. Here is a link with information: www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx
Please reach out for help. We are all rooting for you here.

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 03:18:34

@Trucksand Dinosaurs: Thanks for the response. In all honesty I'm not a lovely person. People say I am but I know I'm not. But your concern does mean a lot. And the fact that you took the time to give me comfort and help. It does mean a lot and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I do miss my dad. I really miss him. I'm crying as I write this now. He was always there for me and I wish I had more time with him. But I know I contributed to his death. He overworked himself because of me. He had two jobs, 6 days a week just so he could support me. He died at work. And I know I contributed to it.

Thank you for the Samiritan link. I've never heard of them. So it's basically like phone-line therapy?

Selks Sat 11-May-13 03:26:17

I'm glad that you've posted on here, it's one step in the right direction to stopping bottling up these difficult feelings that you've been struggling with, so well done for that.
You've been though a lot, and its not uncommon for young people who have been through difficult things and losses, as you have, to feel low and bad about things.
I actually work to support young people who feel like you do, and I need you to know that you are not alone, there is support available - please speak to your GP, they will help. If speaking to your Mum is hard to start with how about having a word with a trusted teacher?
I know you are in a dark place at the moment, but things can change for the better if you hang on in there and talk to someone. I know from experience that even if someone who feels like you do talks to someone and gets some support things can gradually improve for them, honestly it can.
So please do talk to someone and let someone trusted know how you are feeling. If you feel that you are likely to harm yourself tell your Mum - text her or something if you have to - and go to A&E or ring an ambulance. I am giving you that advice as someone who works in this area. Do it right now if you need to - please.
You sound like a really lovely guy, the world needs good people like you in it and you have a lot to offer, even if it is hard to feel that right now.
Don't give up, keep going, get help, it will get better I promise. X

Selks Sat 11-May-13 03:29:44

BengalTiger, I have to sleep now, sorry but I'm so tired, but I will look on this thread tomorrow...please please come back on here tomorrow and chat to us some more.
For now, try to be kind to yourself, try to sleep if you can. We're all thinking of you. X

Samaritans are a free service on the end of the phone staffed by trained volunteers who choose to be a listening ear to anyone who wants to talk to them when they feel things are hard. You do not have to be suicidal to call them. They do regularly take calls from people who are thinking about killing themselves and they will not be shocked or upset at anything you tell them and it is always confidential and safe.

Your grief and love for your dad is obvious.
As is your love for your mum.
You can feel great love AND anger AND despair all at the same time; it is part of being human and the most loving and lovely often feel the most deeply and painfully.

They are also often the most loved, even if they do not know it or feel it in the depths of darkest times.

Hold onto the life your mum and dad gave you: it is precious and you are loved and there is more love to come in your future.

Even if now it feels nothing but pain, you are your mum and dad's precious child and you are loved. You are not alone and if you cannot talk to your mum right now, right this moment or this night, you can talk to someone else and stay with us.

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 03:44:59

@ Carasuchu - Hello. Thanks for the response and taking the time to give me the links. I just combed through the NHS one and found it insightful. I'm kind of thinking about ringing up one of those helplines. I'm apprehensive about it as I said earlier (I'm a closed off kind of person) but I the responses from people on this site have given me a little of bit encouragement.

Thanks again for your kind and comforting words.

Cerisier Sat 11-May-13 03:46:26

I don't know what to say Bengal. You have been through so much at such a young age. Heartbreaking.

As others are saying it will gradually get better, be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. Phone the Samaritans- they are good people and will listen to you.

Trucks speaks wise words.

We are all thinking of you xx

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 03:50:55

@Selks - thanks for responding. Yeah, I was lurking on this site for a while before deciding to post. I wouldn't say I really have a trusted teacher, but I have thought about talking to my GP about it before. But it's just taking that big step (posting on here was hard enough) to be open to someone about how I'm feeling face to face. I feel really ashamed of it. Do many people you work with suffer from self-loathing? It's just something I've never been able to grasp. My mind will go crazy with berating myself over the slightest, most insignificant thing.

And don't be sorry. It's very late here but I'm finding it difficult to sleep these days so I'm up. I hope you sleep well and after all the great, helpful responses I've gotten here, I will be here tomorrow. Sleep well.

memberfor Sat 11-May-13 03:57:27

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memberfor Sat 11-May-13 03:59:58

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Selks Sat 11-May-13 03:59:58

BengalTiger, yes, self-loathing can come with the territory. When we are low or depressed its all too easy for the negative thoughts and feelings to get turned in on ourselves.
That's the tricky thing about low mood - it makes us believe negative things about ourselves that aren't actually true.
One thing to try and remember is that a negative thought is just a thought - it's not necessarily a truth or a reality.
I know that's easy for me to say, when thoughts and feelings can be so powerful. But it is a good thing to try to remember.

Selks Sat 11-May-13 04:00:53

Thank you for letting us know that you will be here tomorrow. I appreciate that.

Selks Sat 11-May-13 04:04:28

Memberfor, I hope you are very sure of yourself as you risk the welfare of someone if you are not.

memberfor Sat 11-May-13 04:05:16

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Selks Sat 11-May-13 04:07:02

What are you on about? What does this being a feminist website (don't think it is, actually) got to do with it?
Stop troll hunting.

Glad that you will be back online soon BengalTiger.
Look after yourself. Keep going. Just keep on going and try to be kind to yourself.
Hope you get some sleep.
And Samaritans are 24/7 if you can't sleep.

memberfor Sat 11-May-13 04:09:06

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BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 04:09:57

@Trucks and Dinosaurs - Thanks for the Samaritans link and info. I found it to be helpful. I think, if I still have the momentum of encouragement I've gotten from you guys, I might call them tomorrow (well later today).

Selks Sat 11-May-13 04:11:53

Memberfor just go away.

memberfor Sat 11-May-13 04:12:32

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memberfor Sat 11-May-13 04:13:22

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BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 04:15:04

@Memberfor - I'm not white. I'm mixed. And I didn't know this site was a feminist site. The title is "Mumsnet" and the slogan is "for parents by parents." Nowhere in both the title or the slogan, is it indicated that the ideology of this site is exclusively feminism. The reason I posted here is because like I mentioned, I'm thinking about suicide and I can't talk to my mother about the things in my head. This being a site for parents, I thought it would be good for me to try and get some insight.

Memberfor posts reported.
I can't see any benefit to further engagement with Memberfor.
Bengal good luck with it all.
I am off to bed but will check in tomorrow to see if you have posted again and wish you some peace and a good sleep and strength for getting through this.
brew

Selks Sat 11-May-13 04:16:21

For your information Memberfor there are many men on this site; it's called Mumsnet but the site owners have said previously that it is a site not just for women, and not just for parents.
Yes a 16 year old posting on here is uncommon but give him a break will you - he is a young person who is struggling and reached out to one of the few accessible places for some support FFS. Have some compassion.

memberfor Sat 11-May-13 04:17:32

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Selks Sat 11-May-13 04:17:52

BengalTiger please ignore Memberfor.

Selks Sat 11-May-13 04:19:19

Talk to Samaritans yes if that will help (and it may well) but you are also welcome to talk on here.

NewGirlInTown Sat 11-May-13 04:20:18

Memberfor reported
Drunk?
Certainly despicable and wholly inaccurate in pronouncements about Mumsnet

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 04:25:01

@Trucks and Dinosaurs - Thank you for your input tonight. It has been very helpful. Sleep well

@Selk - Thanks for your support and your elaboration on the subject of self-loathing. My eyelids are getting heavy now so I'm gonna sleep. I think I'm gonna call Samaritans later today. It seems to be the right step at the moment, even though I'm a bit apprehensive about it. Have a nice night and sleep well.

memberfor Sat 11-May-13 04:25:10

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Homebird8 Sat 11-May-13 04:25:55

BemgalTiger, you were right to come here. You are surrounded by parents who are telling you how wonderful you are. You may not believe it but your words speak clearly. Please don't take on any responsibility for anything except reaching out in real life to those who can help you. Call one of those numbers. Don't worry, they are safe and confidential and can help. In the meantime we are all here with you.

Your dad's death is so recent it's no wonder that you are feeling so much grief. It was not your fault. He was a good, hard working, loving father and you in no way could have contributed to him dying. I am so sorry for your loss. It's very hard to lose a parent.

I know you feel like you can't talk with your mum like you could with your dad. Why don't you think about showing her what you have written here? The way you have expressed yourself is very coherent and even if you couldn't get the words out loud the written ones would do the talking for you. Perhaps it's an idea you could talk about if you phone the Samaritans or one of the other organisations?

You may find it helps to talk here. Don't do anything to endanger yourself. You are worth so much and you will feel better if you can hang on in there. Call one of the numbers, now if you can. Call the doctor in the morning. They will be able to help. You are not alone.

BebeBelge Sat 11-May-13 04:38:08

memberfor there are plenty of posters on this site who are neither women, mums or feminists. I interpreted the OP using the word 'lad' to mean that he is young not 'a lad' in the stereotypical way you obviously did.

I've also reported your posts.

BengalTiger Please seek some help from the Samaritans or one of the other links previously posted. You may not feel like seeking help for yourself right now, but at least do it for your Mum who clearly loves you and who you love too.

Maybe speak to her and give her the chance to be the person you wish she was - ie. someone you can say anything to just like your dear Dad was.

Mums are not great at mindreading, so she may not know the true extent of your unhappiness right now, but Mums are great at loving you unconditionally no matter what. You have been through so much in your relationship with your Mum already and you've made it this far and still love each other. Let her help you.

And please don't feel any guilt about your Dad working too hard to support you. That's what Mums and Dads do because they love you.

Please, please ask someone, anyone, for help. Tonight. Be safe x

kerstina Sat 11-May-13 08:16:03

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Bengaltiger I hope you feel a bit better today
I can't imagine the pain of losing your dad at such a young age, especially after losing your mum from your life. I can empathise with why you would feel suicidal. I have a son and if he died I would want to kill myself too (I'm not saying I would, but I would want to)
Feeling hopeless and helpless and not being able to foresee a better time is to be expected in your situation. But there will be a better time, there just will. Your mum loves you and I bet there are loads more people who love you, even teachers at school/college will be fond of you and want to help you. Reach out, please, to just one trusted person and ask for help. There is help out there. My friend works for a charity that helps people contemplating suicide and also people bereaved by suicide. These people are amazing, they don't judge, they don't pressurise, they just listen and help. Can you google suicide charities in your area? Or call Samaritans and ask them?

KitKatShoes Sat 11-May-13 08:32:56
sapphirestar Sat 11-May-13 08:38:26

BengalTiger - Hope you're doing better this morning and feel like you can ring your GP or Samaritans. Give your mum chance, I think you've done very well to get to the stage you have with her after what you've been through. It's ok to miss your dad, but don't let it stop you living your life. I'm positive he wouldn't want that for you.

memberfor - MMHQ repeatedly ask us not to troll hunt on threads but report instead. If you're right, you're just feeding the troll, if you're wrong you could be causing untold damage to a young lad who's feeling very low right now.
Even if you are right, I would rather give out advice and support and look like an idiot, than tell them they shouldn't be here and to piss off elsewhere and be indirectly responsible for a young lad going over the edge.
BengalTiger has said he lost his dad and isn't particularly close to his mum, so I don't think it's illogical to want the support and advice of parents.

Cerisier Sat 11-May-13 09:04:41

For the poster who thought MN was a strange place for a male teen to go looking for help, I disagree. I think it is a great place to go to seek help as a teenager.

Firstly MNers are up 24/7 due to feeding babies, working nights and time differences around the world. You will get a response and find a listening ear at any time of day or night.

Secondly lots of MNers have a huge amount of life experience and can make helpful suggestions and point people in the right direction for help.

MN never ceases to amaze me and warm my heart.

Selks Sat 11-May-13 10:46:06

Totally agree, Cerisier.

Morning bengal I was reading early hours, but couldn't post on kindle.

Really hope you're OK, and that you manage to reach out to someone in real life today, you will honestly feel so much better when you do. If you spoke to your GP he/she could help you, really they could, things will get better for you love, you just have to reach out. I bet your Mum would be supportive and glad to help.

Please please ignore the sheer ignorance of that poster, you are very welcome here anytime, they are totally wrong about who this site is for, it's for everyone.

As for your Dad, it's a heartbreaking shame you lost him at such an age, but working 2 jobs in itself doesn't kill you , there must have been underlying problems, he sounds like he was a great man, and he would be very hurt to see you like this, please get some help.

Keep talking here if you feel it helps, there's always someone around that will care.

Selks Sat 11-May-13 10:49:16

BengalTiger, I hope you slept well.
We are still here to talk if you need us.
Today, please be brave and tell someone how you feel. It's ok to admit to feeling like this,

Homebird8 Sat 11-May-13 11:36:24

BengalTiger, just wanted you to know that there is a thread watch function on here. Whenever you come to your thread to talk I will be able to see and if I can I'll be there with you.

I hope the world is a little brighter this morning and you have some options for getting some real life help. Try to talk with your mum sweetheart. She will want to know how you're feeling. In the meantime call your GP. Show this thread if it helps you explain though you are very articulate and insightful and I'm sure you can share your thoughts well. You are not alone.

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 13:47:47

@Homebird - Thanks for the response. I don't know why I but I just feels really difficult letting my mum know about everything. Even if it's not orally and instead written, like you suggested.

I did however, this morning, call Samiritans. I talked for about 20 minutes. In the beginning it was pretty awkward as I didn't know what to say but after a while I just talked. You know, it felt good to actually just let it all out with words coming from my mouth. But I still feel like it's not enough. I felt okay for talking to someone about it for about an hour. But after that the same wave hopelessness came over me. Talking to someone on the phone felt like a quick fix. Like patching over the punctures in a bike's wheels with some glue and ductape. I think you're right about my mother. I need to tell her. I just need to get over the hurdle of holding it back from her.

Thanks for your concern by the way. It's really touching.

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 13:53:08

@EricLovesTeamQhuay and Bebe Belge - Thanks for taking the time to reply. I finally managed to call the Samaritans this morning. And it felt good talking to them and even an hour after that. But soon enough, the hopelessness came over me again. I've been really thinking about telling my mum. It's weird cause I don't really want to die, but then I don't really want to live.

SnowyMouse Sat 11-May-13 14:01:35

I hope you can tell your mum

Hello, well done for calling Samaritans.
A suggestion - you are very good at writing clearly about how you feel. Very good indeed. It looks like you have a special talent for writing.
How about writing it down for your mum?

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 14:02:33

@ KitKatShoes - Thank you for the link.

@Sapphire Star - Thanks for the response. Like I wrote before I called the Samaritans this morning. I felt good for a lil while after doing so but now that wave of darkness has come over me.

I'm about to take my GCSEs and all throughout my time at school, I've always gotten really good grades. But with the way I feel right now I'm honestly not even caring about my exams. I haven't been revising as hard as I usually do.

And I know I need good grades because I've always wanted to be a fighter pilot (commercial pilot if I don't make the military grade) cause I need to go to sixth form and then uni, but at the moment none of that is even mattering to me. I guess it's part of my mind just giving up.

I'm going out for a meal tonight. Just me and my mum. I've been thinking maybe telling her then but in the end I know I won't have the courage to.

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 14:07:02

@LibertineLover - Thanks for the response. Like I wrote to another poster I called the Samaritans today and it felt good to let things out, but now I feel bad again. I'm thinking of telling my mother tonight though as we're going out for meal. Thank you for welcoming here. It's been very heartwarming.

Selks Sat 11-May-13 14:09:50

Hi BengalTiger, I'm glad that you phoned the Samaritans. It sounds like it was helpful in that it has helped you feel that you might be able to talk to your Mum.
Of course one phone call to the Samaritans, although it was helpful, on its own isn't enough to stop all the down feelings. But it is a positive step, and its best to think of it that way....taking small but positive steps. You have done well in doing that so far.
Could you write things down to share with your Mum to let her know? You can keep it simple. Is she around today? How about just writing down briefly how you've been feeling and take it to her when she is not distracted with something else.
I know it's hard to do, nobody likes risking upsetting or worrying a parent - but here is the important thing - she loves you and would want to know if you were unhappy or sad so that she can support you. You may feel a little better once you have spoken to her and she can then support you - maybe help you access the GP or whatever.
These feelings are a huge weight to carry around on your shoulders. Nobody should do that on their own. If you are depressed you need help, please let your Mum help you. Just take that next step - it will be ok.

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 14:09:58

@ Trucks and Dinosaurs - Thanks for the compliment. Made me smile smile Yeah I've been writing regularly since I was 10 years-old. I write short stories, novels and screenplays. I'm a really introverted person so I spend time alone. Like I said before, I've always suffered from self-loathing and writing has always been something of an escape. When I'm writing and I'm immersed in fictional worlds, my life doesn't exist - it's all about the world and the characters that I'm creating. So writing and reading has always been my cathartic friend.

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 14:12:42

@Trucks and Dinosaurs - Hmm writing it I guess could be easier than telling her. I've also been contemplating of telling her tonight as we're going out for a meal. I guess I managed to reach out to you nice people with writing so maybe I could give that a try. I'll see after tonight. I'm really leaning towards telling her tonight but I'm not certain that I will.

Selks Sat 11-May-13 14:13:05

Just spotted where you said that you're going for a meal with your Mum tonight. Yes tell her then if that feels like a good time. You can keep it simple but just let her know. Good luck.

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 14:16:33

@ Selks - A few posters have suggested writing to my mum. And I think it's a good idea as this is the method I used to reach out to the people here and I've found a lot of help. I'm going out for a meal with my mum tonight and I've been thinking of telling her when we're alone. If I don't find the courage to then I think I'll write.

You know you're really right about me not wanting to upset or worry my mum. Beyond the fact that I find it really hard to talk about personal stuff to anyone but my dad, I don't want her to know just how messed up I am because I know it'll hurt her. But I guess the irony is me killing myself would hurt her a million times more.

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 14:19:06

I must say thank you to everyone who has responded. I appreciate it a lot as it has been very helpful. The people who made this website should be proud cause they have created an amazing and unique community.

Hellohippo Sat 11-May-13 14:24:58

I was going to suggest writing/emailing your mum. I was a suicidal teenager many years ago! I'm glad I'm still here now but I do remember how tough things were. Take care of yourself, you sound very mature and too valuable to lose.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 11-May-13 14:33:50

Hi Bengal, you do sound like a lovely guy smile

Do you think you would be able to show your mum what you have written here? Or maybe use what you have written here to construct a letter to her?

Suicidal thoughts can be extremely consuming and tiring. I sincerely hope you can find a way to move past this, it would be a tragic loss of life.

Do you visit your dads grave at all? Perhaps going and talking to him would help?

Writing can be good because the person can read it again once the shock has passed (shock sometimes means they don't/can't hear you peppery at first or can try to deny/minimise or talk without listening properly) and understand more each time they read it. You can let the words flow and come out as they want. You can even write several drafts or just write something simple and hand it over as and when you choose. Just writing it can be helpful even if it isn't sent.
You could also write to your dad.
Good luck with whatever you choose.

Peppery = properly. Autocorrect problem, sorry

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 14:53:36

@HelloHippo- How did you move past your suicidal tendencies when you were a teen? And yes, I've been thinking of writing to my mum.

@ Puds - Thanks smile Like I wrote to others, yes I have been thinking of writing to my mum. Writing on this site has helped so maybe it will with my mum. And I visit my dad's grave all the time. But I don't talk. Sometimes I'll sit there for an hour or two but I never talk.

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 15:08:02

@ Trucks and Dinosaurs - There's a lot of logic in that post. Do you think showing her what I've written in my first post could do?

Meev Sat 11-May-13 15:32:38

Hi BengalTiger. Although I'm in a different situation to you I also lost my dad in January. It was completely unexpected. If you want to chat please message me. I've got a 17 year old brother who is doing his exams at the moment and also finding it hard to concentrate on them. You are not alone, there's lots of lovely people on here who are happy to listen and try help you through

Wishiwasanheiress Sat 11-May-13 15:35:15

Bengal, I'm unsure what to say really. Would an experience of the other side be useful? i dont know. I was 18 when a friend chose to die. He was lovely. Tall, dark, handsome. He would have laughed though at that, he thought his nose was massive and his ears stuck out. He said he was lucky his mates were attractive, that it rubbed off on him and then he would cuff me on the shoulder and run off laughing. We all used to go clubbing locally. I always remember him with his head thrown back, eyes shut roaring at some joke or other. One day I was round his flat and out of nowhere he said his head hurt. I remember being in the kitchen. I think boiling a kettle. I remember looking at him, his head hanging down and knowing. Or that bit might be hindsight, I'm not sure tbh. He said it again but didn't look at me. I know I shrugged, jokily said well visit the doctor then! I actually said that if his foot hurt he would visit a doctor, so why wouldn't you visit one if your head hurt? I knew it was bigger than that, but thought keeping it simple might work might get through. I don't remember how the moment stopped, it just did, passed on and he never mentioned it again.

Two weeks later he gassed himself using a family members car. I got called the day my a level results came out. Mum and dad were taking me out for dinner to say congrats. I couldn't stop crying. My dad was furious this overshadowed all that. I just sat there. Stunned. I walked about in a fog for days. None of could believe it. People don't just disappear. Not at that age. It's not fair. It's so bloody not fair that had he walked in the room I would have killed him myself. Rung his neck, hit him, anything to feel something other than what he had left me with.

His funeral was awful. People filled every corner. There were people we didn't know, his dad was asking who people were. He was so touched that so many came. It was wonderful but also a joke some sick joke that he hadn't noticed all this. Seriously, people like the man who sold us ice creams at school came. I didn't know most of them. He had no idea how his life interacted. How important it was that he was there. I cannot describe how selfish that felt. That he had gotten out but left us with all of this.

Now, I'm twice the age I was. I look back fondly at him. But as you probably tell its still present. I wish he had voiced more. I wish he had grabbed me by the shoulders and shaken me til I realised. I am still cross now that there were all these people there and he didn't talk to anyone. Did he really believe he was alone? If so he must have been bloody shocked if he saw that. Or maybe that's just me projecting, it's very hard to know.

I also know that maybe we couldn't have changed anything. It taught me though. We have no idea how important we are, how our lives interact with others. The ripples in a pool that we cause by existing. His note said he was doing us a favour, that we were better off without him. I cannot tell you how wrong he was. Truthfully maybe we wouldn't have been friends past school. He would maybe have ended up someone I keep on Facebook but not see in RL at all. (It didnt exist then but you get my drift) But nothing in my life has been made better by his death.

Keep talking, keep writing. Depression is an illness and it sadly can be a killer. I had no idea. I wish it had given me magic answers for you though.

ophelia275 Sat 11-May-13 15:41:28

Bengal Tiger - Several things. Firstly, the fact that you are seeking advice makes me think there is a part of you that doesn't really want to die but wants help?

I think it is totally understandable and reasonable that you feel the way you do. Firstly, you are a teenager and teenage years can be awful without having recently lost your father and being rejected and then reconnected with your mother. You must have a lot of different conflicting emotions right now.

If I were you I would make an appointment with your GP and see if they can prescribe you some anti-depressants (to get you to a place where you at least feel more stable) but also ask if you can speak to someone, a counsellor/therapist about everything you are feeling and all the things that have happened in your young life. I think therapy would be particularly helpful because you would be able to talk and not bottle everything up but you also develop a relationship with your therapist that allows you to say things that you cannot necessarily say to a relative or a friend.

You also sound incredibly articulate and sincere and I think unfortunately that people who tend to think more and analyse life situations, tend to be more down and depressive. I think you could put your intelligence to better use when you are not feeling so depressed. You really do sound extremely bright (not trying to sound patronising) but I was surprised you are just 16 from your original post, you sound much more mature.

Good luck and please do phone the Samaritans, they can be really helpful!

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 15:49:22

@Meev - I'm sorry about your father. I really am. I know exactly what it feels like and regarding exams, I can also empathize with your bro. I just can't concentrate at all. Not even for 20 minutes. Thank you for the offer to talk.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 11-May-13 15:51:07

Do you think it would help to talk whilst you where there Bengal?

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 15:58:07

Wishiwasanheirress - That story really touched me. Left a sore lump in my throat. I'm really sorry about your friend. He sounded like really nice person and it's a tragedy that his life came to an end. Thank you for sharing it with me. It was really helpful, particularly on what you wrote about someone having an effect on someone when you don't even know it. I don't know if that really applies for me but it's got me thinking.

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 16:23:23

@ ophelia - I wrote to another poster that I don't really want to die, but I also don't want to live, either. I guess we all have a self-preservation instinct inside us and that aspect of me is plugging for me to live. It's probably one of the things that made me post here.

Thanks for the compliment. Yeah, a lot of people tell me that I'm more mature than my age. My mum always says it, too. She's actually a bit confused by it, cause her husband's niece is a year younger than me and we couldn't be more different. I guess he's the standard image of a 15-year-old guy; he's really outgoing and likes to play sports, go out to parties on Friday nights and all that stuff. I don't do any of that.

Though I do wish I was a little more outgoing. A lot of adults say that being a kid is unique and it's best to enjoy it while you can. I used to play basketball in Year 7 and that's one of the fondest memories of my life. I was much more sociable than I am now cause playing with a group of guys who are all striving for the same thing, you form a relationship. We even won the county championship which was awesome. But I stopped playing in Year 8. These days, I just read and write a lot and spend more time on my own. Like I wrote before, my mum can't figure it out when it comes to that.

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 16:24:47

@ Puds - I don't know. I've never tried it in all honesty.

Could you just send a link to this thread to your mum? You've spelt out your emotions on here, or just take what you've written & send it to her as it is on here. Sometimes writing it is easier than saying it out loud, like saying it out loud makes it more 'real' & somehow bigger (it did for me anyway).

I started getting depressive/suicidal thoughts when I was about 15/16. I still suffer from depressive episodes but it's manageable for the most part. Asking for help from those closest to you is one of the hardest things to do, but it is the best way to get through this, it's not something you can do alone.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 11-May-13 16:51:16

It might be worth a try. I don't know if it will help, but it might smile

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 17:10:54

@ HelsBels - The more I think about telling my mum how I feel via written words, the more it does sound like a good idea. Like you, others have mentioned trying to go for the written way. How did you deal with your depressive episodes when you were a teen?

@Puds - It might. I've never tried it before but I guess there's a first time for everything. I might give it a go in the future smile

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 17:11:51

I'm going out with my mum soon so I have to log off. I just want to say thanks to everyone once more. You've been very wonderful and helpful.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 11-May-13 17:26:29

Good luck Bengal, I hope you and your mum have a lovely evening smile

I had medication & counselling as a teen. Sadly I also tried to escape via drink & drug experimentation which I wouldn't recommend. Hope you manage to tell your mum somehow how you're feeling. Good luck & let us know how you're getting on

Good luck. Hope the words find you. Your posts on here - from the very first post - are clear, painful, honest and powerful. They have communicated your pain and feelings clearly to strangers. I am sure you could just write your first post to your mum. That would be enough.

Please keep writing.
The world needs writers like you.
You have a gift and I have a feeling one day your writing will touch other people and make a difference.

I can imagine reading your writing in a newspaper or book: it is very clear and you have a strong voice. Please do not silence it.

Badvoc Sat 11-May-13 17:47:46

Have you considers contacting the bereavement charity cruise?
You are so young and have had a major life changing event.
It would be strange almost if you didn't feel like something was very wrong.
I am so glad you called the Samaritans.
They are there 24/7.
You could also see our gp and perhaps think about taking some form of AD for a while to see if it helps our mood?
I have suffered from depression in the past and it is an insidious and cruel illness.
It sucks all the joy out of life and leaves you feeling less than what you are.
Good luck

Selks Sat 11-May-13 21:30:18

How did your meal out with your Mum go, BengalTiger?

Homebird8 Sat 11-May-13 23:22:38

You have shown a lot of courage BengalTiger and if I took the tone of what you were saying up thread right you have every intention of sharing your feelings with your mum. You even have two plans to do it. I hope you've managed to tell her this evening over your meal but, if not, your writing skills give you another option.

Of course one phone call to the Samaritans, although it was helpful, on its own isn't enough to stop all the down feelings. But it is a positive step, and its best to think of it that way....taking small but positive steps. You have done well in doing that so far.

A lot of wisdom in that Selks. One step at a time is the way to get through anything. There is a way through and if the Samaritans can be there, even when others are sleeping, then that is what they are there for.

You speak with fondness of your time playing basketball. Is there any way you could join a sport team now? I know it's exam time, but a bit of finding out now with the promise of a reward for yourself afterwards might help. I always find it easier to tackle the hardest things if I can build in a reward for myself.

And as for the exams, you have big dreams which sound eminently achievable. Don't panic about this first GCSE step to them though. The first thing to concentrate on is you. Exams can be fitted in another time if necessary, and I expect you only need to get enough passes to get onto your A level courses. Shining can come when you're loop the looping in the air!

So hoping you've a managed to tell your mum. Let her love you.

Selks Sat 11-May-13 23:56:29

And if you didn't manage to tell her this evening that's ok too.....you have tomorrow. One step at a time.....just keep stepping.

BengalTiger Sun 12-May-13 01:13:34

Hey everyone. I just wanted to let you know that I told my mum. It was really hard to do at first. When we were having the meal she seemed so happy and upbeat and I couldn't bring myself to do it. But on the drive hope I told her to pull her and she did. That's when I told her. She cried. I cried. But it felt nice to get the weight off my shoulders and to hear her tell me that everything is going to be okay. I'm going to the gp with her on Monday and she's also suggested therapy.

When we got home we talked for hours not just about me, but about us and my dad. It felt really good in a way. I just wanna say thanks for the people here. Without you I wouldn't have had the courage to tell her, and perhaps even worse. You're all wonderful people and your families are lucky to have you.

I'm really tired now (a bit overwhelmed) so I'm gonna go to sleep. I'll respond properly to individual posts tomorrow. Thanks once again.

That is awesome.
Well done.
Massive cheer from me.
I wish you hope and healing and a deep peaceful sleep.

Selks Sun 12-May-13 01:42:27

Oh WELL DONE you! That's fantastic. Really glad to hear it.

Things will gradually improve from now on for you, I really believe that. It may not always feel like that - you're bound to have ups and downs, that's only natural - but the main thing is that you've done a massive thing in sharing this burden and you can now get the support that will help things gradually change for the better.

Sleep well. x

Homebird8 Sun 12-May-13 01:48:01

Oh BengalTiger! Your mum and you are such a team! I'm betting you'd done such a good job of 'situation normal' she hadn't got a clue. She must be so proud of you for facing your thoughts square on and finding the help you need. Going to the GP together is a wonderful idea and that may be a great way of accessing some therapy or other understanding support.

Sharing together memories and feelings does feel good even when the subjects are painful. I'm so glad you shared with us and that conversation with your mum shows that you're definitely not alone with your thoughts and emotions in real life. She loves and you, and you love her. You can comunicate and work out the future together. Yippee for you flowers and well done.

Sleep well BengalTiger!

I'm so pleased you told your mum. Well done you

mrsmobbs Sun 12-May-13 08:12:46

I am middle aged now with a teenage son and my life was like your mum left, dad took over, mum came back then died. When I was 18 my dad kicked me out as he wanted his life back had looked after 3 of us on his own for years. Life was at times unbearable and yes I like you I did not like myself I spoilt several relationships as I did not believe any man would stay with me, but let me tell you I have been with his dh for 30 years have an annoying teenage son have a great job with great friends and live is good I still feel sad about my past sometimes but have so much to look forward to. My des friend committed suicide 2 years ago June and you cannot believe the sadness left behind, nothing I mean nothing is worth taking your own life there is always someone to help. Take a deep breath and talk to someone, try your mum I mean it she is there for you but please think about what you would miss if you were not around

mrsmobbs Sun 12-May-13 08:15:06

Sorry did not read last post as desperate to reply, but thank god you have started talking

BrainSurgeon Sun 12-May-13 08:22:45

Good morning brave lad smile
I've been reading your thread and your last post made me a bit teary - I am so happy you talked to your mum.
You are indeed a very talented person. You write beautifully, it's a great gift, please do believe it and please try to be kind to yourself.
You have a lot to give, to your family and to the world.

Whatalotofpiffle Sun 12-May-13 12:06:00

Please keep talking to us on here. I was very much like you when I was younger and thought I could not go on. But I did and although I would never want to go through it all again, I am so much stronger.

Group sessions helped me. I didn't talk but just listened to the others and it got me through. It was my step mum who organised it all. I just said I needed help and she didn't ask any questions, just organised it.

Sometimes people can help without you necessarily needing to tell then everything

magimedi Sun 12-May-13 12:06:14

I've been following your thread, Bengal & I am so happy to hear that you have talked to your Mum. She sounds lovely & I'm sure she's going to be a huge support to you.

You've taken the first big step now - that's brilliant.

I'd also like to say that you write beautifully - am sure there's a future career there for you.

Whatalotofpiffle Sun 12-May-13 12:08:53

Just read your last post smile Well done

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sun 12-May-13 15:05:35

Well done Bengal you've been amazing! smile

BengalTiger Sun 12-May-13 15:14:42

@ Homebird - Regarding joining a sports team . . . well most sports teams are at the end of the season, which actually, is a good time to join. But what I find daunting about the prospect is the fact that these teams have been together for a while, so I always think of myself as an outsider. It was different when I played b-ball in Year 7 - we all just graduated from primary school so it was a clean slate. We were basically starting all over again together. Whereas now, most players in teams have been together for a while and they have their own chemistry. I don't know . . . it sounds silly but that aspect always makes me a little apprehensive.

BengalTiger Sun 12-May-13 15:15:19

Thank you for all the wonderful messages by the way. It's very much appreciated smile

BengalTiger Sun 12-May-13 15:19:29

@Whatalotpiffle and Mrs Mobbs - Thanks for sharing your own personal experiences on the subject of teenage depression. It sounds silly but I always felt like I was alone with my feelings. And the fact that you guys are older now and you got over your hurdles gives me hope for the future.

BengalTiger Sun 12-May-13 15:39:40

@ Badvoc - I'm going to the GP with my mum tomorrow. I'm not too comfortable with the thought of taking anti-depressants, but my mum told me she was on them before and they did her a world of good. So I guess I'll take the chance.

Badvoc Sun 12-May-13 15:47:17

I took them for 4 months for late onset pnd (which is a very specific type of depression) and they really really helped me.
I know what you mean about being uncomfortable taking them - I was too and delayed going to the gp for far too long- but there is nothing to be ashamed of.
1 put of 3 people will experience MH issues during their life.
Take care x

Selks Sun 12-May-13 17:34:53

BengalTiger, it may be the case that your GP will recommend that they refer you to your local CAMHS service, which is the service that supports young people who feel depressed (or who might be experiencing other emotional / mental health problems). I work for CAMHS, although probably in a different area to where you live.
Here is some information on CAMHS - here
CAMHS workers aim to be helpful and supportive and support the young person in finding ways to move forwards and feel better. There can be a wait to be seen unfortunately (we're part of the NHS and as overstretched as any other bit of the NHS) but if someone needs to be seen quickly e.g if they are feeling suicidal then they are seen as a matter of urgency, often the same day or very soon. CAMHS provides therapy and support in other areas if needed (e.g. family or school issues).
CAMHS would understand that you have been struggling because of life events and would help you in a non judgemental way. There's nothing to be scared of in having some support from CAMHS, it wouldn't mean anything bad about you, just that you've been through a tough time and (understandably) it's left you feeling bad and shaky.
However your GP will talk with you and together you can decide what is the best source of support for you. There may be other things local to you such as counselling services.

Let us know how you go on at your GP and what you decide is the best thing for you. Best wishes. x

BengalTiger Sun 12-May-13 19:47:06

@ Selks - Thank you so much for the link. Currently reading it now. A lot of great stuff on there . I have been pulling towards therapy as I think that would help. My mum has been looking online for therapy sources so that link helps. I'll keep you and everyone informed about what happens tomorrow at the doctors. Thanks for your concern.

Homebird8 Mon 13-May-13 02:02:35

See, there you go BengalTiger. You even know when would be a good time to join a sports team! Not something I think is ever in my stars. Not my thing. Hope you didn't mind the suggestion though. Might there be an opportunity at the start of 6th form? There definitely will be when you go to uni if that is what you decide. Anyway, I'm prattling now. Just live what you're dealt today. Enough steps like that and all sorts of opportunities come.

I smile as I think of you researching therapy and all your other options. I can see you're going to blow the GPs socks off. Is your mum coming in to see the doctor with you. The backup might be useful. You seem very resourceful and as we've all commented, very articulate. I'm sure you can explain yourself well but I'm concerned that the doctor understands how you have been / are feeling. You just come over as so capable the difficulty and desperation of your thoughts might not be so apparent.

Sleep well again BengalTiger. Let us know how you get on if we're helpful to you. Thinking of you.

Hey Bengal have been away this weekend, and have just caught up with your thread.

I'm over the moon to see how you're handling this now, you're being so amazingly brave and strong, well done.

Bet your Mum is actually relieved to have had that conversation, as she probably knew something was wrong, now you are in it together and that's great.

Hope the GP goes well today, how are you feeling about things now? Bit more hopeful? I hope so, you seem a lovely lad.

Selks Mon 13-May-13 20:50:16

Hi BengalTiger, how has today gone? OK I hope.

BengalTiger Mon 13-May-13 22:02:29

@ Homebird - There's no sixth form basketball team unfortunately. There's a football team though. Yeah my mum came with me today. Was a bit scary in a way but we got through it. Doctor prescribed some anti-depressants (Zoloft). My mum asked about therapy, and he said that's available but there's a waiting list.

My mum then asked him if he knew any private therapists in the area. He gave us a shortlist. So we're gonna go private I guess. We're gonna go look at a couple tomorrow. I kinda feel bad about it though. One of the quotes for a session is 60 quid an hour. I always knew therapy was expensive but blimey . . .

P.S. I write much better than I speak! I am a northerner, after all smile

BengalTiger Mon 13-May-13 22:04:31

@LibertineLover - Thanks for the kind words. And the GP went well today. Was a bit nervous in the beginning but things went well in the end. I've now on the AD "Zoloft" and since my mum didn't fancy being on the waiting list for therapy, I'm gonna get a private therapist.

Selks Mon 13-May-13 22:04:40

Did the GP mention CAMHS at all?

BengalTiger Mon 13-May-13 22:06:58

@ Selk - Hey. I'm okay today. Even managed to do a little studying today. Not much but before I couldn't even do anything. So that's good I guess. I'm on Zoloft like I mentioned to others and I'm going to get private therapy in order to bypass the NHS Waiting list.

Overall I'm good. I had a couple of bad patches where the dark thoughts consume me, but I'm okay. My mum has been really great.

Selks Mon 13-May-13 22:18:20

That's great. Really pleased that you're doing so much better now. I'm so glad that you told your Mum and she is being supportive and you're getting help from your GP. Well done!
Things can only get better from now on. Remember though even when someone is in recovery from being in a dark place they still might have some tricky times from time to time but that doesn't mean they are not recovering. But you know now that you can ask for help and get it if you need it. I have a belief that life is really going to improve for you. I think the therapy is a good idea too.
I really wish you well for the future. You're a great lad, and one day soon you will believe that for yourself. xx

yegodsandlittlefishes Mon 13-May-13 22:27:52

Bengal tiger, I have just read this and am so glad that you told your mum and she has responded in such a positive way!

I was going to suggest to go and see a doctor, not just for counselling and anti-depressants, but to see if there might be a physical reason causing your depression, such as vitamin deficiencies or anything relating to your family history that the doctor could find out.

I say this because I have been having some nasty bouts of depression lately and occasionally thoughts of suicide and went for some tests and have found that I do have something which causes depression which can be treated easily. it is more common than you might think. Even taking a general good multi vitamin could help.

Another thing is, do not keep ropes, or whatever you might use! This is what we must tell ourselves: Do not look up ways of committing suicide ever again, and if you ever think of such things, dispose of anything in your possession which you could decide to kill yourself with. Do not seek out others who are suicidal. That is what I do, I get rid of the things which I would choose to do myself harm with. Also, tell someone, as you have done with your mum, so they are there to help you through it and not put you in harm's way by accident.

You're on the road to recovery.

By the way, your writing is really great, you should keep a journal!

BengalTiger Mon 13-May-13 22:35:49

@ Selks - Yes you're certainly right about the dark patches. My mum told me that she also went through deep depression before and sometimes she would experience mood swings. She'd be really happy one moment and sad the next. I guess through those dark spells I just have to stay strong or seek help. Thank you for everything you've done for me and for your concern. It's been amazing.

BengalTiger Mon 13-May-13 22:43:44

@Fishes - Wow that's an amazing revelation. Vitamins? Could never see that as being a source of depression. The doctor asked about depression and suicide in the family. No one has ever committed suicide but my mum and her mum have tackled depression before during spells. Though I'll remember your input for the future if I need more medical attention.

On the subject of suicide methods - you're completely right. My mum has disposed of the rope (I told her about it) and she's being extra careful with items. She's taken a week off work but obviously she can't be around me all the time, so she's being extra cautious.

Retrospectively, looking up suicide methods was a pretty chilling experience. It actually scared me a lot. It made it kind of real and I think in a way it deterred me because I only started looking at the methods 2 days before registering on this site.

Thanks for the response. About the journal . . . my mum said the very same thing smile

By the way how are you dealing with your depression now?

yegodsandlittlefishes Mon 13-May-13 23:10:36

I know, who would think vitamins would make such a difference, but when you look up what things like iron, magnesium, B vitamins, vitamin c and fish oils can do for us, it does make sense. Healthy eating is important for our minds and emotions as well as growth/fitness.

Keeping a journal is a good way of releasing emotion, or processing it so that you can visualise more positive outcomes, be creative and think of good things about your day. also, one day you could publish it and make money from it, as not many people will stick at it. If you take a photo (of yourself, or a view from your house, say) every day to go with it, it would have an extra interesting element.

What do I do?
I try to do something creative every day (e.g make something; or cook a cake do some crochet or painting, photography or writing)
I get some exercise
I make plans and have them in the diary to look forward to.
I try and spend time with friends (this one is hard for me as my friends are miles away, but I have facebook, skype, and a few forums where people are encouraging).
I smile
hug my kids
ask them about their day, help them with homework, share some time together, and have a few laughs (love my kids)
show up to work on time and do my best (love my job)
I thank people when thanks are due, whenever I can, and feel gratitude - let it sink into me like it's a watering my soul.
I try and find ways to be kind...give a few pence towards buying a homeless person a coffee at a coffee shop/take my old things to a charity shop/let someone else go before me in a queue/hold open a door/ make things to give to people/ and chat to random strangers about stuff like this! grin

Oh, and thank you, it has helped me to think about what helps me and write it down!

It's late. Sleep well!

BengalTiger Mon 13-May-13 23:22:42

@ Fishes - Wow, you certainly have a lot of avenues in order to fight depression. Really cool. I can see how it can work for you in a sense because a lot of the things you've listed make you active. I find that depression is more powerful when you're idle in comparison to when you're active.

You sound like a lovely person. Sleep well and have a great night.

yegodsandlittlefishes Mon 13-May-13 23:36:29

Yes, activity/exercise can help. To be honest, my problem is not just to do with vitamins, there is a bit more to it than that...'wimmens problems' so I'll say no more! I am on the road to getting it sorted out though.

Other things that help:
humour/comedyhaving a good laugh.

spiritual stuff. I won't share what works for me exactly, but lots of people find their own path to improved inner strength through various religious/spiritual ways. I have found believing in a loving God has got me through many dark times.

pets. I have a cat, she is great.

Hope you get to the bottom of what has caused your depression, you seem to have good sense and have made good choices to tell your mum and ask the right questions on here.
take care.

Selks Mon 13-May-13 23:54:19

Depressive thoughts can certainly fester and increase if we spend too much time on our own over-thinking things.
There are some basic things that anyone can do which are helpful for feeling good and reducing depression, many are mentioned by the poster below. Certain things have been proven to increase mood -
- Get enough sleep - get to sleep early enough at night and dont sleep in too late
- enjoy the company of others - make time to interact with people
- do something creative / stimulating / absorbing
- eat a healthy balanced diet (research shows that people who eat a bad diet often have worse mental health)
- get some physical exercise, every day if you can. Join a gym, cycle, walk the dog, dance, skateboard, whatever. Exercise produces endorphins which are the body's own 'happy chemical'
- share your worries or problems with someone you trust
- plan some treats or enjoyable activities
- help other people; helping others makes us feel good
- find ways to increase our self esteem and make us feel good about ourselves eg things we are good at or that other people appreciate
- keep away from street drugs and excess alcohol use (street drugs - including legal highs - can contribute to mental health problems and alcohol is a depressant)
These are all good things to build life around to help with mental health. Sometimes it's not easy being motivated to make positive changes particularly if it feels like a huge effort, which things often can when you are depressed. In that case it's best to break things down into small, achievable steps and give yourself big praise when you achieve a step. Remember, you can't eat an elephant in one bite!! smile

BengalTiger Tue 14-May-13 00:01:39

@ Selks - cheers for the list. I'll copy and paste it for future reference. A lot of helpful stuff on that. You're certainly right - today I was just doing some kick-ups with a football in the backyard and although it's nothing spectacular, I felt good about it. A lof of times I spend time on my own, cooped up in my room. Also I do find that when I interact with people, even though I prefer being alone, a lot of the times I find pleasure in it.

I need to heed the advice of one of the things on the list - sleep smile I'm gonna hit the hay now. Thanks for taking the time to give out all that info. Have a nice night, Selks. Sleep well.

BengalTiger Tue 14-May-13 00:03:59

@ Fishes - I also have a cat actually. She's 7 months old. She always sleeps in my bed and on nights she's out roaming in the house, I find it hard to sleep without her. She always wanders in and sleeps at some point though, so I always leave the door partially open.

I hope you overcome your problems. It's been nice to meet you.

Selks Tue 14-May-13 00:04:06

.....and above all else, BengalTiger, you will learn about what works for you - what you can do that helps your low mood and what makes it worse, then you can do more / less of those things accordingly!
It's about you getting to know you and making friends with yourself. Might seem like a tall order but we can all gradually learn to 'be our own best friends' and learn to like and be kind to ourselves. This can get easier as we get a bit older. But it is also a skill too, a thing we have to learn and practice.
Wow I'm waffling now, sorry, ha ha!
Anyway, sleep well.

Homebird8 Tue 14-May-13 07:34:49

And now you see the true power of MumsNet BengalTiger! There are always people here with good suggestions and the support is quite extraordinary.

I'm so glad the appointment with the doctor went well. I think the opportunity to get therapy is a great one and you shouldn't think about the cost, think about the value.

I'm a little bit jealous of you with your little cat. I really miss mine. We're in a rental at the moment and can't have one here so she went to live with my inlaws. It's only a matter of time though before we buy again and then it'll be a different matter. Give your little one a scratch between the ears for me and listen for the purr.

magimedi Tue 14-May-13 08:12:58

I'm also glad things went well, BengalTiger.

Please don't worry about the cost of the therapy - speaking as a Mum I know there is nothing else your Mum would rather spend her money on than getting you better again.

Am sure the Dr told you, but the anti-d's may take a couple of weeks to kick in properly.

Good Luck!

Bengal - have only just caught up with this thread but wanted to say well done for talking to your mum and seeing your gp.

You sound like a lovely lad, onwards and upwards hey.

nugsy33 Tue 14-May-13 15:35:06

Please, please speak to your doctor/childline/camhs/a trusted teacher or school nurse (preferably all of them) about these thoughts that you are having. My daughter is in a similar position and has attempted suicide twice. It has destroyed us all. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You sound like such a mature young man. You have had your dads death to cope with and sounds like to need to speak about this too. Please speak to someone in the real world. Life's so precious and you are worth every second of it

CuntChops Tue 14-May-13 16:11:58

nugsy he has spoke to his Mum, and been to the GP, he's made massive leaps since starting this thread. So sorry to hear about your daughter, it's so difficult for young people to see any future when depressed.

BengalTiger Tue 14-May-13 18:54:06

@ Selks - Your post resonated with me on the subject of "liking ourselves." It's something that I've always struggled with.

BengalTiger Tue 14-May-13 18:56:37

@ Homebird - this place really is amazing. Honestly, and I'm just not saying that. The support I've gotten from people I've never even met has been wonderful. I hope you'll be reunited with your cat soon smile

BengalTiger Tue 14-May-13 19:00:27

@magimedi - Yeah, the doctor said that about the ADs. I was initially feeling uncomfortable about taking them but now I'm okay. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

BengalTiger Tue 14-May-13 19:03:08

@ Betty - Thank you.

@ nugsy - Thanks for taking the time to comment. I told my mum about it and we went to the GP yesterday. I'm on ADs and I'm gonna start therapy soon. I'm really sorry to hear about your daughter. Really, I am, because not only do I know what it feels like to be in your daughter's shoes, but I also know how much it can hurt others. I hope she gets better.

ElizaDoLots Tue 14-May-13 20:26:29

I'm so sorry to read about your dad dying BT - yours is a terribly sad story, but you show such insight and strength for someone who is only 16. I'm glad you managed to tell your mum and that she was understanding. Take care.

magimedi Tue 14-May-13 20:30:34

BengalTiger - just don't want to leave you unanswered. It's bedtime duties for a lot of the Mums on here now, so you will have to wait a wee while to get some more replies.

You are such a lovely guy, so polite in all your responses & so articulate.

I so hope you get through this & come out the other side.

I am really looking forward to reading your published writing in years to come.

And the above sentence is not written to comfort you, it is written from my heart. I am an avid reader & I love good writing beyond anything.

You write SO well - honestly, you have a gift that I really envy & you should go forward with that.

Can you please let me know when your first piece of writing is published? Because it will be - for sure.

Good luck - I have a great deal of 'real life' to deal with in the next coupe of weeks (all happy stuff, weddings & parties) so I won't be around much, but I really wish you very all the best, truly, from the bottom of my heart.

And, as a Mum, don't forget that your Mum will always be there for you. My son is 32 (nearly) & has had mental health problems in the past & is (happily) out the other side of it. There is nothing else I would have rather done than been there to help him.

A very, very, un-mumsnetty hug from me to you. (((((((((xxx)))))

ElizaDoLots Tue 14-May-13 20:38:06

Yes BT, I agree with Magimedi - we are all doing bath time at this time of night - so don't take a lack of response as lack of interest. I'm actually writing this while listening to my son read at the same time.

You may not like yourself very much at the moment, but you have quite a following on your thread after only a few days. Hopefully in time you will see what others see. Un-mumsnetty hug from me too.

BengalTiger Tue 14-May-13 21:07:33

@Eliza - Thanks for the kind words. They brought a smile to my face smile Yeah, I understand that people here have a lot of family duties and are often occupied. I hope your son is enjoying the story he's reading smile Used to love to reading aloud when I was really young. I've always loved English I guess. Thank you yet again.

BengalTiger Tue 14-May-13 21:15:04

@Magi medi - Don't know how you all do it! The thought of being a parent (even in the future when I'm older and more mature) scares the hell out of me lol.

Thanks for the kind words. You, along with a lot of posters on this site, have really embodied the beauty of this place. And I'm glad you're a fellow literature fanatic . . . if you give me more praises my head won't be able to fit through the doors of an aircraft hangar.

And of course I'll let you know when (IF) I ever get published. I've actually read up on it and it's such a lengthy process that requires so much patience and dedication. But one thing writing constantly has taught me is practice. I always look back on stuff I wrote a year or two ago and I notice the big difference between the older works and the newer ones. Cause of practice, I've learned a lot in-between time periods. I guess you could translate that aspect of writing to almost any part of life (for the better) including the way I'm feeling right now.

Have fun with the things you've got coming up. And thanks for sharing your son's story. It always gives me hope when I hear stories of people who've managed to get through it all.

Have a great night. It's been nice to meet you.

ElizaDoLots Tue 14-May-13 21:36:43

Most of us have some family duties, but still plenty of time left over for posts like yours, so don't let that put you off posting. Yes he enjoyed his book but I was feeling a bit guilty as I was saying 'that's lovely darling' and writing to you - so not concentrating as much as usual!

BengalTiger Tue 14-May-13 21:39:01

@ Eliza - Lol bless him. How old is he?

ElizaDoLots Tue 14-May-13 21:43:23

He is 6, and bit of a character - big smile, very gorgeous and doesn't do a thing he is asked.

BengalTiger Tue 14-May-13 21:47:59

@ Eliza - Well he and I share something in common at that age - I remember to not listening to a lot of things when I was 6. Time really flies. When I look back it doesn't seem that long ago.

ElizaDoLots Tue 14-May-13 22:06:31

I think his brothers were the same at that age too - they are well trained now grin. Can you remember why you didn't listen then?

BengalTiger Tue 14-May-13 22:11:24

@ Eliza - How old are his brothers? I've always wanted siblings. And I don't know why I didn't listen . . . I was a bit naughty admittedly!

ElizaDoLots Tue 14-May-13 22:18:53

They are 9 and 11 - much more sensible!

I'd love to know why he doesn't listen - his hearing is very selective

BengalTiger Tue 14-May-13 22:24:52

Ah I'm sure he'll grow out of it. I did smile I bet it's a lot of work raising three boys.

ElizaDoLots Tue 14-May-13 22:25:57

I've just re-read your OP and realised that 6 is the age your mum left. That must have been so hard to comprehend at that age - my son wouldn't begin to know how to deal with it at 6. I'm not surprised you are struggling now - you have been through a lot.

BengalTiger Tue 14-May-13 22:41:08

@ Eliza - Yeah it was hard. For about 2 months I'd wait on the steps outside my house after school in case she came back. And it really hit my dad hard too. I always have the memory of hearing him crying in his room two days after she left. It was hard, but me and my dad got through it. He was an amazing person. The amount of great things he did for me are almost infinite.

I really missed my mum though. I used to be more sociable when I was younger and when I stayed a mate's place for tea, I'd really envy them for their mums. I always used to feel ashamed at the fact that my mum wasn't around though when I was younger, even up until she came back 2 years ago. Logically I know there was no reason for me to be ashamed, but I just was.

In a sense I blame myself for it. My family was pretty troubled from the start. My parents had me when they were 18 and their parents didn't approve of them being together in the beginning because my dad was black and my mum was white. When I was born things got a little better, but there was still tension, even though I don't recall it as obviously I was too young to comprehend it all. My dad's mum died when I was 3 due to cancer and my mum's parents died in a car accident when I was 5.

I guess my family never got off to the best start.

ElizaDoLots Tue 14-May-13 22:52:47

That's a heartbreaking story BT. There was nothing for you to be ashamed of, but I know from my limited psychological knowledge that children internalise things like their parents arguing/parents leaving - so, as you say, you were (wrongly) blaming yourself. It wouldn't have been your fault at all - I guess it would have been hard for them being in a biracial marriage if their parents didn't approve - and those deaths on top of the tension would have been really hard to deal with.

Lots of young people suffer from depression and have suicidal thoughts, so don't feel alone. You probably already know of www.thestudentroom.co.uk - I have had to go on there for work, and have noticed that. But of course all we old mums will have lots more wisdom to impart on here smile

BengalTiger Tue 14-May-13 23:03:19

@ Eliza - Thanks. I needed to hear that. When you say "internalise," when it comes to psychology, what do you mean?

Yeah I've heard of the student room prior you dropping the link. Just checked it out now. It looks good actually. I think I'm gonna make an account and see how it goes. Thanks for the link. Much appreciated.

ElizaDoLots Tue 14-May-13 23:13:09

It's hard to describe, but it kind of means to taking in to yourself. So although your parents' split up was nothing to do with you, you would have taken responsibility for it and made it part of you.

This is why you have done such a great thing in agreeing to see a counsellor, because a counsellor will explain how all this works. Children's brains and emotional workings are so different from adolescents' and adults'. You will probably feel abnormal because you are surrounded by happy teenagers, but what he/she will explain to you is that you had a very normal reaction to your circumstances and have nothing to feel ashamed of.

Anyhow, I have just remembered that you have GCSEs - shouldn't you be in bed young man wink. This is the downside of coming on mumsnet - lots of nagging mums all in one place!

ElizaDoLots Tue 14-May-13 23:14:59

typo, should have read 'kind of means taking in to yourself'

BengalTiger Tue 14-May-13 23:17:33

@ Eliza - Oh right. Yeah I get it now. Thanks for the explanation. I'd heard it before but I wasn't aware of what it meant until now.

Haha you sound like my mum. But yeah you're right. I completely lost track of time. Gonna hit the hay now.

It's been really nice chatting with you and thank you for everything. You're a wonderful person. Your sons are lucky to have you. I hope you have a nice night and sleep well.

ElizaDoLots Tue 14-May-13 23:23:14

Sleep well too. I'm sure we'll talk again smile

ElizaDoLots Thu 16-May-13 01:06:05

BT - I hope you had a good day today.

yegodsandlittlefishes Thu 16-May-13 15:44:27

Yes, hope you're doing well today, BengalTiger and catching up on some sleep!

Homebird8 Fri 17-May-13 22:57:07

Hi BengalTiger. Still watching your thread in case you need us. Hoping that you and BengalMum are looking after each other.

BengalTiger Thu 23-May-13 20:05:01

I let everyone down. I tried to kill myself. I passed out (no air - tried to hang myself) and my mum found me before I had the chance to die. I can't even look her in the eye cause i know I've made her life hell. I just don't have a desire to live anymore. I feel like a hunk of flesh that just breathes oxygen. I'm literally a cancer to everyone and everything. From my grandparents to my parents. I wish I was never born. i'm sorry for not being good enough to take the advice from all the great people. You were all wonderful.

rozzadobbo Thu 23-May-13 20:34:42

I'm so sorry.you haven't let anyone down. Is your mum there now? You are not alone xx

BengalTiger Thu 23-May-13 20:44:10

Yes she is. She won't leave my site. I've broken her heart.

Come on Bengal Tiger. Stay with her. Stay with all of us who are alive.
You are a logical person. You are an intelligent person. Can you see that you are not well at the moment? Heartsick, grief-sick, in terrible pain, and that is the voice telling you that you are a cancer, a hunk of flesh, wishing you had never been born. It is a false voice. It is not real. It is worth fighting against this voice. You deserve to live. You deserve to love. You deserve to be here. You are wanted. You are loved. You are not alone.

If you look your mother in the eye you will see love.
And relief that you are here.
She will be terribly distressed that you are hurting so much but her heart could never be broken by you being alive.
Please let your mum love you, even if you cannot even like yourself at the moment. Love is stronger than anything. Love is there for you, please let yourself hold on and let love hold you so you can start to heal. Please, Bengal Tiger, please.

BengalTiger Thu 23-May-13 21:13:11

@TD - I feel like that voice is the truth. I really do. Even before I was born, I my existence was already causing bad things. My grandparents never got along. My mum left. I could go on. And that's carried on to today. I know I'm grieving but I've alway felt this way about myself. I just feel like I'm poison. It really warms my heart when you say the things you're saying about me but deep down I find it hard to believe.

But even though I've always struggled to like myself, i never once thought I'd want to die and try to kill myself. I've always wanted to grow up and have a career and kids. But sometiems when I think about the future ( lot of times actually) I panic. I just feel overwhelmed. I've been thinking about that a lot recently. The future doesn't feel real. It feels like a mirage. It kinda reminds me of when I was little and I couldn't wait for Christmas when it was like 2 months away. It alway seemed that it would never come.

I know my mum loves me and it makes me loathe myself even more. I can hear her crying when she thinks I'm not around. I just wish there was a way I could just make it all better. I've tried, TD. The first few days after talking here and going to the gp with my mum, felt good. But it didn't last. That's what I struggle the most with. Making it last.

It isn't real though,that voice. It really isn't. It might have got deep in you and taken root but it is still a manifestation of your being not well. Depression, hating yourself, wanting to die, despair, feeling like a cancer,being sure that your very existence causes hurt and harm,panic about the future - these are all symptoms of you being ill. Lots of people have struggled with exactly the same feelings before you, lots of people are struggling now. Many felt that it could never get better. That the horrible poisonous voice was real and reality a kind of dream, that you can see happening for other people behind an invisible screen, meanwhile you are trapped in this awful painful hell place of self loathing and despair.

I have been one of those people.

Many of the people posting here on this forum have walked the same path as you. We are alive and still here.

It is very hard to cope with this alone.
You are not alone.
Your job is to not kill or hurt yourself and to let others help you. At the moment,that is it. You don't have to be forcing yourself to be happy, or like everyone else. You don't have to deal with the future or the past.

You just have to stay alive and hang on and let people help you.
They will be glad and proud to do it.
You are worth helping.
Stay with us.

thornrose Thu 23-May-13 21:28:19

Bengal, I've just seen this thread. It's breaking my heart.
Your situation is close to home for me. My 13 yo daughter is mixed race like you, I am white her dad is Jamaican. Her dad died 3 years ago when she was 10. She is really struggling to deal with her grief, she has Aspergers (a type of autism) which makes her grieving even more complex.
My daughter thinks she has done something terrible and that is why her dad died. This is obviously not true, but it's her truth.
Please get more specialist help. Winstons wish are a charity which specialise in children suffering bereavement. I know you're 16 but you are a child, in great need and I'm afraid for you.
Please keep reaching out and don't give in to your destructive thoughts.

Something that helped me was understanding that depression works a bit like a spiral. You spiral down, faster and faster as the momentum grows until you are spinning tightly locked in the hell-place and everything is hell. It is all unbearable. When you start to come out of it - with help- you can still feel like you are trapped in the spiral. Because you keep turning round and returning to the pain and darkness over and over so you think you are not getting better. But what you start to see is that you spend longer and longer periods where you are not in as much pain and the crucifying bits are shorter and less intense.

It is frightening when it gets better for a bit and then goes back to being awful again. You think, oh no, I'm going back into it, this is too much to cope with, it's not working. A sudden violent stop to it all feels like the only way to stop the momentum.

But that is not true.
The voice can be countered.
Writing a diary helps you see that there is a pattern, that there are days and times when it is not unbearable and that is what you get help to build on.

The part of you that writes,that dreams of flying and a family, that is the real voice, the real you. It is there. It is being shouted down but it is there. Please don't silence it.
Stay and hold on.

BengalTiger Thu 23-May-13 21:43:27

@ The logical part of me thinks you're right. In fact it knows. But it's really weak in comparison to the other voice. The other voice is so powerful. Sometimes it feels like someone is screaming right next to my ear. It just feels like this cloud will never lift. How did you get past your depression, if you don't mind me asking?

BengalTiger Thu 23-May-13 21:49:04

@Thornrose - I'm really sorry. That's a tragic. It really is. I hope your daughter will one day be able to see that her father's death really wasn't her fault. I'm plugging for both of you.

I got help a bit ago (ADs and supposed to start therapy next week) and I felt good for a while after I first posted on here and told my mum, but it didn't last long. When things get bad I find it really difficult to go on. I'm also really susceptible to bad things around affecting me. Like if I see something really horrible on the news it really, really affects me and it'll stay with me for days, making my depression worse. I stay away from watching the news or anything like that now.

I actually like watching nature documentaries(hence the username - I'm in love with tigers). There's something that I find really comforting about the animal world.

Sorry, I'm rambling now.

I had a break down.
I saw various counsellors: found one I could talk to.
I talked.
I wrote.
I read about depression and grief and trauma.
I learned how to turn the volume down on the poison voice, how to challenge it, see it for the liar and the sickness it was.
I learned how to protect myself from it.
The hardest bit was asking for help when the voice shouted I didn't deserve it.
The voice lied. I did deserve to live.
So do you.

wickedwitchNE Thu 23-May-13 21:51:09

Bengal, I've not long found Mumsnet and this is my first post as I could not keep quiet.

You are so incredibly brave, please do not see this as a failure. Starting this post, ringing the Samaritans, telling your mum, and going to the doctors were all amazing steps to take on your own - but remember they were just steps. It would be insulting to you to deny that this will be difficult, unfortunately it is often the nature of depression, just like many other illnesses that need to be fought. You however have the upper hand here; you have support - medical, family, online here, and via access to the Samaritans. You are a strong lad, and have demonstrated so many amazing qualities on here alone, such as empathy, understanding, common sense, determination, patience, and many others.

You can do this. You can beat these feelings.
If you need to explore the feelings that made you attempt suicide then please do it, using whatever medium is easiest right now - I promise it can help.
If the good feelings you get after receiving support fade, then ask again for more support. Keep asking. Keep posting on here, keep talking to your mum, and keep ringing the Samaritans. Never be embarrassed about asking for help and support.

As for your future, maybe try concentrating on one or two hopes/dreams/plans, even for the very near future, and hold on to those.
Again, please, please, please do not see yourself as a failure. I wish you could see yourself how we all have and how your mum clearly does.
Stay with us, and keep in mind how much we are all thinking of you during this difficult time. You are not alone x

thornrose Thu 23-May-13 21:55:42

Staying away from the news is a good thing, avoiding triggers is really important.
When you say "supposed to start therapy next week" I do hope you're going to go?!

BengalTiger Thu 23-May-13 21:59:18

@TD - You sound like you're a really strong person. You really do. It just feels so daunting to overcome all those things. But I guess the way I'm thinking about it is everything at once. I guess you took it one step at a time. That's what I've always struggled with. Taking things one step at a time. I always feel like I've gotta do everything at once.

BengalTiger Thu 23-May-13 22:02:43

@Wicked - Thank you for the wonderful post. It actually made me smile a little. You're right about taking it one step at a time and realising that battling depression won't be a one and done thing. Like I wrote to another poster, I've always been a person that tries to get everything done in one sitting and I guess that's why I'm struggling so much when I think about the uphill battle that's ahead.

Thank you for your support. I appreciate it.

BengalTiger Thu 23-May-13 22:03:41

@Thornrose - Yes I'm going. But in all honesty, I'm going because of my mum and not because of myself.

The main thing is you are going. Doing it for your mum is still you doing it, being motivated to do things for others is a good thing and it looks like it is one of your motivators.

I can see you are intelligent and highly competent and like to get things done: this is possibly why you want it to all get fixed, super competently, by you. However you wouldn't expect someone with two broken legs to complete a 10k run. You would expect them to get treatment and pain relief and physio and use crutchesand learn to walk again, then jog, then run, working at it over time and with goals and help from professionals who are trained. And their family and mates.

You wouldn't scold them for not being able to run for a bus or do stuff people with functioning legs in good health can do.

Does that make sense?

BengalTiger Thu 23-May-13 22:30:55

@ TD - Really good analogy actually. It makes a lot of sense. I'll remember that and maybe it can help when I'm thinking about getting everything out of the way. Anyway I'm really tired, TD. I'm gonna sleep. Thank you for being here for me. Greatly appreciated. Have a nice night and sleep well.

Look after yourself and sleep well.

ElizaDoLots Thu 23-May-13 23:36:46

BT - I'm so sorry to read that. I've only read your first post - I'm going to read the rest now.

ElizaDoLots Thu 23-May-13 23:43:35

Hello again BT (I'm the one with the naughty 6 yr old you were advising me on ... (he's still naughty)). You haven't started counselling yet, you have to give that a chance, because it will make such a difference.

cheeseandpineapple Thu 23-May-13 23:48:01

Hello BengalTiger, hopefully you'll have had a good night of sleep by the time you read this. I've just seen your thread. I was heartened by your middle posts and then so sad for you and your mum to hear what happened. But ironically, it could be what you needed to experience, in order to move forward. This is rock bottom and as bad as it's ever going to get for you.

There's no quick fix for what you're going through. Maybe you feel like ending it all will be the quick fix but that would be like amputating a broken leg.

Part of you is broken and still in pain from losing your father. You haven't got the traditional relationship with your mother to fall back on, as much as she is trying to make up for it, you had already learned to live with the loss of your mother when you were younger. And now it might feel too much for you to have to live with the loss of your father. In some ways, sounds like your father was both a mother and a father for you. Your mother is there for you now and you both love each other but your head and heart need to get used to having a "new" mother.

This will be a marathon not a sprint. Please take it step by step.

A few pills and some therapy will not flick the switch. It will take time but you will get there. Commit to the treatment. Tell yourself that no matter how desolate you may feel, you will give yourself a certain period of time, say a month or two to focus on getting through life day by day, without any expectation and mark each day off, keep a journal. In some ways this thread is a journal, commit to reporting how you feel every day whether it's here or in private. Hopefully in that time, things will start to turn around as treatment kicks in, at the very least the medication.

Don't worry about your exams, it can all go on hold, be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. You are a hurt, sad soul, you wanted to stop the hurt and you didn't know how else. But you will find a way. You need to hit ground zero before you can rise from your ashes. Going to the doctors, getting some medication and starting therapy won't work overnight, they are the cast that your heart needs to heal, they will help but gradually.

You have a talent. You are eloquent and articulate. Write your way out of your despair. It could be your destiny. I think we can all see, what you can't see, a very special, unique young person who has the potential to make a big difference. People want to hear your story and follow you on your journey. Stay on that journey. There are very few 16 year olds who can express themselves with your quality of writing. Out of bad situations, good things can come. And good things will come.

You might be feeling guilty now about what's happened and how your mum's feeling. I suspect your mum feels guilty about what's happened in the past and her tears are probably as much guilt based as they are of sadness about what you're going through. Perhaps you haven't forgiven her for abandoning you.

My mum says, guilt can be a good thing because it can help make us change our behaviour. I'm probably straying into areas that really need to be addressed with a therapist but maybe, as part of the process, you can both convert any guilt into good energy and start over. Wishing you the very best and hope to hear more about how you get on.

ElizaDoLots Fri 24-May-13 00:02:13

Sorry, me again; one day, I'll get all my thoughts into one post. I've been checking on your thread, but I thought your absence was because you'd discovered the Student Room.

Anti-depressants take a couple of weeks to work, and counselling will take weeks to work too. You need to hang on in there, however hard it is, because you can get there.

Your mum having left at such a young age is a massive thing to deal with and I understand why you are feeling all this. There's probably a massive amount of supressed anger and other horrible emotions bubbling around in your head - but you really need a professional to help you sort those out. Take care.

BT you could also check this site
www.thecalmzone.net/

They are really good: it's for young men.

wickedwitchNE Fri 24-May-13 08:18:41

Hi Bengal, just checking in to see how you feel this morning. Thinking of you and your mum today. So glad you are going to your therapy appointment - it might be that for now you are doing it for someone else, but after a few sessions this might well change as it starts to help you.
Keep writing!

Homebird8 Fri 24-May-13 10:09:37

BengalTiger, you are so brave and despite not knowing you, except through your remarkably eloquent posts, I feel that in some small way I do. You are the person who cares about how people feel. You are the person who even in your pain can take the time to listen to others and respond with understanding and compassion. You are the person who knows that the darkest times are not all there is, even when every fibre of you is screaming the opposite.

Keep talking with us and give yourself the same love you are showing to the world. You did not cause this pain and you do not deserve to be consumed by it. You have made so many independent decisions to gain help for yourself, make another one to stick with the help that has been offered and allow other people to take responsibility for relieving you of your pain. As was said up thread, your job is to protect the person that everyone is trying to help, to be gentle with yourself, to keep yourself safe and with those who love you.

We are here and we want you to become safe in the knowledge that you are valuable to your family and to the world. flowers

ElizaDoLots Fri 24-May-13 12:59:36

Also checking in BT. As Homebird says, your compassion towards others shines through in your posts. I hope your treatment will teach you to direct that inwards too.

I'm sure it is probably much easier said than done, but if you feel a compulsion to end things again, try and talk to your mum, call the Samaritans, or come on here x

redadmiralsinthegarden Fri 24-May-13 13:21:45

just read this thread, bengalTiger. You are an incredible individual. Like many on here, I suffered depression as a teenager & made attempts on my life.
I am now 42, and the proud mum of two.
You have a wicked, wicked illness, BT. but that's what it is: an illness. This voice you hear, and the negative thoughts you have are all parts of the illness.
you are incredibly strong - you came on here, you rang the Samaritans, you told your mum (who also sounds fantastic). you will get through this. this episode in your life will become 'in the past'. When I look back over my life, although I have had low times, I am so grateful that I have lived all these years; that my suicide attempts didn't work. You will feel this, believe me.
big, big hugs xxx

BengalTiger Fri 24-May-13 15:42:47

@ Cheeseand pinapple - Thank you for taking the time to post such an informative message.

When my mum came back when I was 14, I admit that I was really uncomfortable and scared. You're right - I'd learned to live without her. I feel so bad by saying this but the way I dealt with how she left after a few years (when my age turned to double digits) was that she didn't exist. Like I never had a mother in the first place. My mind just blanked out any thoughts of her and when she came back, opening back up was a daunting thought. I don't know - I'm not an expert when it comes to physchology but I've always found it strange that I've never been angry for what she did. Well, maybe on the surface. Maybe deeper I'm angry. I don't know. It's more confusing than algebra.

You're right about my mum feeling that all this is her fault. She told me and she keeps apologising. I feel really bad about it because it's not her fault. It's just me and my messed up issues. You're also right about it being a marathon not a sprint, which sucks, because I've always been a sprinter when it comes to athletics. I guess the same can be said by the way I deal with this. Just wanna rush through them. The only thing I can say I have patience for is when I'm writing something creative. With that I can accept that it takes time to produce a screenplay or a book, but not with everything else for some reason.

Writing has actually helped. It kind feels carthatic when I'm writing down how I feel. Even though sometimes it hurts. I think I might do it more.

I had a pretty good day today though. Me and my mum went for a walk. It was nice to be outside. Also had a kickabout in the garden. Kinda made me feel fresh.

BengalTiger Fri 24-May-13 15:49:21

@ Eliza - Hey. Nice to hear from you again. I hope the counselling works. I'm not really enthuiastic about it but I'm gonna do it. I hope it helps. In a way I'm just tired of feeling like this. It's exhausting, particularly that feeling I feel in the morning. Mornings are the worst. When I tried to hang myself it was in the morning, minutes after I'd gotten up. I just want that feeling to go away.

Thank you for your wonderful words. They make me smile.

BengalTiger Fri 24-May-13 15:50:04

@ TD - Cheers for the link. I'll check it out.

BengalTiger Fri 24-May-13 15:54:45

@ Homebird - Thanks for the lovely words. I wish I did see myself in the way you and others here see me. I hope one day that I will. I guess sometimes I think too much. Like I always think of alternatives. If my parents hadn't had me when they were 18, maybe my dad would still be alive today because he wouldn't have worked himself so hard throughout my life and maybe my mum would've had a better relationship with her parents before they died. I always think about stuff like that and it drives me mad.

Hopefully counselling and ADs will stop all that. But like someone else said, it's a marathon not a sprint. I have to learn that.

Thanks again for helping me so much. I find solace in writing down how I feel on this site.

BengalTiger Fri 24-May-13 15:56:39

@ RedAdmiral - The fact that you once went through what I have and made it gives me some hope. I always feel that getting past this and something in the future isn't attainable. But your story illustrates that it is. Thank you for your lovely words, for posting and for giving me hope.

BengalTiger Fri 24-May-13 15:58:44

@Wicked - Hey. Thanks for checking in. I've had a pretty good day. I went for a walk and had a kickabout in the garden. Being outside and active has a nice effect on me.

So glad you had a sleep and a kick about.

One thing has just jumped out at me about mornings being worse.

Low blood sugar can often make depressive feelings worse. Do you eat first thing?

Can you attempt to get some protein and a glass of milk or OJ down you when you wake? Toast and peanut butter, chunk of cheese. Cold sausage, ham sandwich, banana and almond milk smoothie. That sort of thing. And neck some fish oil tablets. V good for brain health.

ElizaDoLots Fri 24-May-13 20:39:09

BT - hello again. Is it that you can't face the day ahead when you wake in the mornings? Would it help if we all made a habit of dropping by on here so that you know someone will be around first thing?

Homebird8 Sat 25-May-13 02:20:23

Not just words BengalTiger, the truth of you as I see it.

You know, I think you're such a well rounded person. All this creative talent with writing, dreams of a flying career (with all the science and engineering that entails) and still interested in the active stuff with a kick about and your times in basketball too. I totally get the interest in the way words can help you explore feelings and share them, that has helped me at times of struggle too. And the practical stuff, well, I'm an engineer and I know the beauty of physics, of making it work for you, of the perfection when all the rules work together. I have to say that I don't get the sport thing though. I've just spent the morning watching my DSs playing hockey. The bit that made the most sense was the hot chocolate wink

You don't have to be everything though. You don't have to take on a responsibility for all the things in the world, and definitely not all the 'might have beens'. You know, at work people come to me for decisions on all sorts of things and some of them not even to do with my job (where we should have our joint team meal, what colour we should choose for our logo, whether we should join in a company competion) and I sometimes have been heard to say in exasperation 'Who abdicated and made me queen?'

I choose not to take responsibility for everything. It's more than anyone can stand. There are a lot of things which are my problem, helping my family stay well and happy is a major one, doing my job to the best of my ability, finding me time to fulfil me as a person, but there are limits. I don't feel I've the time or energy to give much back at the moment, but that's ok, time will come.

There are limits for you too and when you are having such a personal battle then your limits extend only as far as keeping yourself safe and keeping in touch with the help around you in RL. We are all here for you too but we are not your responsibility. You also cannot be trying to take a responsibility for something which will never be yours. You are not responsible for other people's choices, or past history, or a future outside your control. The only thing you should be thinking about is taking your very next little step in the right direction, a safe and loved and fulfilling direction.

That may seem insurmountable sometimes and then you need to be asking for help with that one step. Your mum will help, your doctor will help, the Samaritans will help, we will help. One day you will have survived this illness and then is the time to think about making bigger choices for yourself and your loved ones. Even today you make things better for others here. You listen, you actively assess the sense of what is shared, you respond and whether you know or not I'm sure you help. That is still not your responsibility and you should be very proud that you still have been offering that by just being you.

You are special, and loved, and only responsible to keep taking one positive step at a time. Sleep well BengalTiger and awake to know that even one smile or kind word from you makes the world a better place.

ElizaDoLots Sat 25-May-13 08:38:40

The truth of you as I see it too.

I can't begin to add to the amazing post above, but can I just say BT - I didn't mean in my post above that, that you should use us instead of the professionals - I hope you have a number to call if you feel desperate again.

BengalTiger Sat 25-May-13 15:02:53

@ TD - You know what, I have no appetite at all when I wake up. My mum always makes me eat something but a lot of the times I don't eat much cause I just don't have an appetite when I've just woken up. I know they say breakfast is the most important meal of the day but my digestive system doesn't agree.

That's a really good suggestion though. I guess I could try to just force myself to eat a bit in the morning.

BengalTiger Sat 25-May-13 15:21:00

@Homebird - Thank you. Put a smile on my face. An engineer? Wow that's awesome. What kind of engineer, if you don't mind me asking? Yeah I've always loved physics because I think how they work is pretty cool, and I've always loved engineering, particularly in the way it works regarding air and space travel. I'm one of the few people at school who loves GCSE physics. When it comes to GCSE science most people prefer biology. Though I do like biology. It's interesting to know how the human body works.

Haha the hot chocolate thing made me laugh. I love sports! Football (both European and American), basketball, boxing, swimming, formula one and athletics. When it comes to personal participation, I'd say basketball is my favourite. I've always been tall for my age (I'm 6'0 - my dad was 6'6 so I probably get it from him - though I hope I really stop growing because the cockpits of fighter jets are really small!) and being tall is good for basketball. In Year 7 it was easy for me to score because I was taller than everyone else. I regret not continuing to play. Had a lot of fun and I was pretty good at it. One thing I'll say that sucks about sports, particularly team sports, is that on average, you're much more likely to go through a supporting life of misery than joy. Sometimes I really wish I didn't like sports when Arsenal lose to some awful team. My mum doesn't understand how people can be so attached to it.

You know, what you've mentioned about not taking responsibility for every little thing is right. I know it's right. I hope it's something maybe the counsellor can address once I start the sessions on Wednesday.

Thank you for all your help and support. It really means a lot.

BengalTiger Sat 25-May-13 15:22:33

@ Lots - Thanks you. You've been greatly supportive of me and I appreciate that. I know what you meant. Don't worry about that.

Homebird8 Sun 26-May-13 06:27:09

You and i are so alike BengalTiger, and so different.

You talking about sports and loving them is a completely foreign language to me! I just don't get it at all. I did get a little bit excited at the Rugby World Cup (2011) and the football thingy either early that summer or the one before, I forget. I think that was the limit of my attention span thou. My eldest DS is 10 and was so disgruntled by his hockey match even he doesn't know the score. He says he stopped counting when they were 6-1 down wink. The other one is much more enthusiastic but is playing for the really young team (he's 8) and ended up being subbed onto the other team for part of his match as one of the children was hurt. He reckons whichever way it went he could say he was playing for the winning side!

Now when you talk about science, that's another matter. Knowing about biology is all very well (yikes, how many people have I offended now) but it's a bit too uncertain for me. I love physics, you can rely on it. My branch of engineering is the one which turns an idea of a building into something of use to us. I'm in integrated building performance engineering at the intersection between the developer, the architect, the engineering design team, the construction company and the end users. There is no earthly use in putting up a building unless it provides us with an indoor environment we can use. There are loads of aspects to this but as I'm in serious danger of sending MumsNet to sleep I'd better stop there.

You have some great ideas for your future. The travel side of engineering is fascinating, just don't feel that it's the only route (she says, shamelessly hoping you might consider the building industry - we need inspired and creative people) smile

The breakfast thing is hard. I can never face breakfast until a good hour or so after I get up. Even when I force myself I never feel any the better for it. I just wait until I'm hungry and make a point of eating straightaway then. It's easy in my job but was always a nightmare when I was at school. My mum despaired of me but perhaps some good for you, easy to grab and eat snacks might work for you like they do for me. I always have cashews or macademias to hand, or a bag of sultanas or raisins, or a piece of cheese. I found it much easier once I found things I could grab a handful of and pop into my mouth without stopping. I graze all morning and then try to eat a proper lunch and dinner in the evening. Don't forget that at 16 your body is still growing and developing and you need a lot of fuel to feel well and handle everything that's gong on. Eat what you fancy and don't be too hard on yourself.

Got to cook for the DSs now. We've been out planting trees in a nature reserve all day and everyone here is shattered. Sleep well and tell me in the morning what your favourite food is, and then tell your mum!

ElizaDoLots Sun 26-May-13 09:56:31

Morning BT. I'm with you on the no breakfast thing - I just don't feel like it either. I usually have a cup of hot chocolate with low GI sugar ( the stuff that doesn't make your blood sugar spike) - but that is probably not a great start to the day, so I wouldn't advise it!.

You are going to be filling up that plane at this rate if you are 6 feet already. How tall is your mum? My friend's husband is a pilot and they seem to have a great life - he does long haul, so lots of time off. I imagine that would fit in rather well with seeing lots of amazing wildlife if that's what you still want then (and if Homebird hasn't recruited you as an engineer by then grin).

BengalTiger Sun 26-May-13 14:27:12

@Homebird - For some reason I've never gotten into rugby! And hockey too. I dislikeplaying hockey on a really cold day, particularly in goal. If you're playing outfield then at least you have a chance to warm your body up. Haha so disgruntled you forget the scoreline. I've been there before so I don't blame your son.

Your job sounds amazing and really complex. And you sound like you really enjoy it, which is a great thing. So, if my intepretation is right, you basically decide the function of the building? Must take a lot of responsibility! I'll remember your building engineer suggestion though smile My love for aeronautics I guess is spawned from a love for space. I'm really fascinated by space and I used to want to be an astronaut, but the chances of becoming one are just too low to realistically harbour an ambition in that field.

So you're like me, too. I also can't eat as soon as I get up (although today I did have an English breakie smile. Usually when I go to school I stop by ASDA and buy a few snacks that I can eat later on. Usually I'll be okay until lunch - that's when I REALLY eat, especially on Monday mornings after boring Latin class. Urgh, I really dislike that subject.

My favourite food . . . wow that's a hard one. I honestly can't narrow it down to a single. I love lasagne, beef burgers, spaghetti bolognese, Chinese and Indian takeaways, salad, bacon . . . we'll be here all day! I like a lot of different food, but just not in the morning.

BengalTiger Sun 26-May-13 14:35:01

@Eliza - Yup, I'm the same as you. Usually just have a cup of tea or coffee in the morning with a small snack. I think I'm actually addicted to tea. I seriously have about ten cups a day.

And my mum's tall too. She's 5'11 so that's probably another reason why I'm tall. My mum tells me that my dad was 6 feet by the time he was 14 (I've had a pretty big growth spurt in the last year). She said when he was 16 he could go out to nightclubs and the bouncers wouldn't ask him for ID cause they thought he was older lol.

You know, travelling is something I've always wanted to do. When I watch nature shows and see so many different environments it really makes me wanna go to so many places. If I can get through this depression and get on with my life, hopefully I can visist a lot of different places. One of my life's goals has always been to visit every single continent on the planet. There's so much to see.

Homebird8 Sun 26-May-13 20:34:28

Aha, now your favourite foods reminds me of a time in my life when I did used to manage breakfast. There was one year at uni when I lived within walking distance of my lectures. I was sharing the house with some friends and we used to cook all the sorts of things you mentioned for a big joint meal in the evening. The next morning I used to put leftovers of chilli, or bolognese, or curry in a toastie and eat it all hot and steamy on my way in. Mmmm. A bit unusual but I loved it. Now I have kids there are rarely leftovers!

I never wanted to travel particularly but did a trip round Eastern Europe just after the Berlin Wall came down (that's history to you of course, but student days to me!). I never ever ever thought I'd end up moving to New Zealand to follow my dreams and taking my family with me. DH even swapped his busy international career to be a stay at home dad although he's recently taken on a six month contract to keep his hand in.

Nothing in life stays the same BengalTiger. I used to have a colleague who told me that when he came out of uni a career was a noun, and now it's a verb! I don't even think we have a career anymore, I think we have several. I can see you now being introduced on the television as world renowned space expert the new Brian Cox , published poet and author, entrepreneur, and head of a kids charity bringing sport to them and their families.

In the meantime you don't need to know what the future will hold except what you fancy for dinner and that every step is one which is growing you. flowers

Hello BT
It's so nice to hear you talking a little about your dreams and your interests. I hope you get to start feeling excitement and pleasure at the world that you can explore as you get older. There is so much to see, to discover, to wonder at. I hope you get to make a hundred thousand memories to wonder at again when you are old and to share with your own children one day.

I thought of you when I watched Luc Besson's film Atlantis today with my little boy. It's incredible underwater footage set to music. My toddler is fascinated by sharks and turtles and rays. I trained to dive and one day I will take him diving too. Seeing his amazement at the natural world is soul-enhancing. I hope that you get to travel and explore and fly and walk and swim amongst all the incredible things life on earth offers. It's really worth sticking around, it will get better and better even if it doesn't always feel like that right now.

And good work on eating a big breakfast ;)

MumofMinx Mon 27-May-13 09:06:09

Morning BT - hope you are OK

BengalTiger Tue 28-May-13 19:21:19

Hey guys. I'm unwell at the moment - I've got chickenpox. Never had it when I was little. I noticed a few bumps/boils on my leg at the weekend but didn't think much of them, but in the last 2 days I've been feeling poorly with a fever and so much of my body is now covered in bumps. Really uncomfortable. My face is disgusting there's so many bumps on it. Wish I'd had it much earlier in life like most people do. Anyway hope you're all well. Chat soon.

Oh no. That's very tiresome. Get well soon.

Homebird8 Wed 29-May-13 02:33:53

A Tiger with Chickenpox, whatever next!

To ease the itchiness, put porridge oats in an old sock and hold it under the running water as you fill your bath. This should help soothe your skin (and make it babysoft if you care about such things. An antihistamine can help take away some of the itchiness too.

More later. A big work day tomorrow.

MumofMinx Wed 29-May-13 09:37:31

A babsoft Tiger with chickpox?!

Hope you are feeling better this morning BT.

MumofMinx Wed 29-May-13 13:39:10

That was meant to say 'a babysoft Tiger with chickenpox', obviously. My proof reading is appalling

Homebird8 Wed 29-May-13 20:39:17

Oh, don't let the oats get into the bath. They're difficult bloody impossible to stop going down the plug hole and making porridge in the pipes wink

BengalTiger Wed 29-May-13 23:33:21

@ TD - Thank you.

@ Homebird - My mum got me some cream and it's now doing the trick to ease the itchiness. Thanks for the suggestion though. If it flares up again and this cream stops doing the business, porridge it is!

By the way what's New Zealand like?

@MM - I can actually imagine a tiger with chickenpox. That would be weird. I watched a really great BBC tiger documentary today. About a female tiger and her four cubs. Really amazing stuff.

Homebird8 Thu 30-May-13 08:09:11

A few days BengalTiger and the Chicken Pox will all be over. So glad you've found something to help with the itchiness. It's even harder to deal with than pain in my experience.

You ask about New Zealand. I'm not sure where to start. We've been here nearly two years and absolutely love it. I have always lived in the UK before and it is such a beautiful place just like NZ. There are things in the UK that NZ definitely hasn't got to offer like history (even the Maori history here is only a few centuries and the European history starts around 1840). For someone who loves buildings like me, that is a major gap.

The benefits of NZ for us far outweigh that. We can have the sort of family life here that we failed for 10 years to make for ourselves in the UK. We have enough money and it's balanced with our DSs having some of our time, as work life balance is much better. We find we can spend a lot more time outdoors and enjoy all sorts of experiences that we didn't stumble across in the UK. DH has learned to sail and the DSs have joined Sea Scouts and will start sailing in the summer. We live near the sea and the beaches are wonderful. There is ancient forest only a short drive away and areas with thermal activity where steam pours out of the ground even in town. Thermal pools are great fun even if it rains.

The people in NZ are just as wonderful as people the world over, with a different ethnic mix than the UK but just as diverse. A lot of Asian and Pacific Island people live here. I have found though, that people are a bit more straightforward in what they say in NZ. There's less politeness and you can share your opinion without offence. It's quite refreshing to experience the level of honesty but odd when you've grown up with a British take on manners! I don't think the opinions are not held in the UK it's just that they aren't as readily shared unless you've already worked out that someone will agree with you. It's just a lot less formal here I suppose and there is less concept of a class system which is still very strong in the UK. I didn't realise it was so strong until I moved here.

The population is only a little over 4 million so there's loads of space. Plenty of room to make a life and live it to the full. I never thought I would live anywhere but the UK. Just shows you never can tell just what's around the corner and it can be really, really good!

Anyway, enough about me. How are you doing other than the C Pox? Your relationship with your mum sounds great. Tell me more about her. She sounds really special. Here's a brew to sit down and have a chat over wink

BengalTiger Thu 30-May-13 21:08:25

@ Homebird - it's awesome that you've found life in NZ to be great. When I picture New Zealand, I always picture lush forests, sandy beaches and sapphire water. I'm glad it's worked out for you. By the way, what do the abbreviations stand for? The DHs and DS - I know it's family members but I don't know what the letters stand for. Yes, silly me, I know.

Anyway, you should be a travel agent - your description of NZ is mouth-watering. When you say people are more straightforward than up north, what do you mean exactly? Like is there a specific example you could give? I'm intrigued. So I take it you can see yourself spending the rest of your life there as you're clearly in love with the place.

And I'm doing okay thank you. Kind of annoyed that the pox made me miss counseling and I'll probably miss out on a couple of exams but other than that I'm cool.

My mum's great. It was a bit awkward for me when she came back but I'm glad she did. She's a really nice person. She always asks me if I need anything. Sometimes she's fussy over me it's like I'm 6 not 16, although, going by recent events, I can understand why she would be like that. She's an accountant and she really loves her job. She likes to watch nature shows with me (she's a nature nerd, too) which is cool. My dad always said David Attenborough's voice makes him want to go to sleep.

Though there's something. Her husband. He's really great and really nice. And a lot of the time he makes such an effort when it comes to me (watching sports games with me, offering for us two to go out and asking if he can join in when I'm playing a video game) but I don't reciprocate. He's a great guy and all and my mind knows it, but I always keep him at arm's length. I don't know why. It's like I'm afraid of him when there's nothing to be afraid of.

Homebird8 Thu 30-May-13 21:37:04

Hi BengalTiger, if you search around there is a somewhere a list of what all the abbreviations mean here on MN (MumsNet). The D before everything is for dear or darling. Then the next letter is the who, (M, F, D, S for mother, father, daughter, son) There are extra Ss for Step people, ILs for in-laws etc. The numbers are for the order they come in. E.g. I have DS1 who is 10 and DS2 who is 8 and DH who struggles to act like a grownup!

The straightforwardness in NZ is difficult to describe. They just pull no verbal punches at the same time as a friendly openness which makes sure nobody feels bad about it. If you don't want to do something you just say so without having to make an excuse and that's fine. Everyone knows the social norms of always bringing 'a plate' when you go to someone's house meaning that you take a snack with you for morning or afternoon tea (don't those terms sounds quaint?) If you're invited for a meal you ask what they want you to bring and often they'll ask for dessert for instance or some meat for the BBQ.

More later. My boss needs me.

BengalTiger Thu 30-May-13 22:00:34

@Homebird - Ah, thanks for the clarification. I always wondered. I tried to crack the nut but I just couldn't get what the "D" was for.

And thanks for the elaboration on NZ custom. You know in a way that kind of communication cuts through the "red tape." More efficient I think! I find it interesting. I like knowing about different cultures and their customs.

Rufus20 Thu 30-May-13 23:51:11

BengalTiger, I've been lurking, but if you like mathematics, engineering and travel, you might really love to work in a field like environmental engineering. It's a job for life, but all over the world, people are struggling to manage natural resources such as water - think of flooding and droughts - what about people in Australia who are struggling to balance their water resources against protecting the environment - the pressures from the agricultural community, people living in cities - it's a story repeated worldwide - if you are interested in that kind of thing, PM me.

BengalTiger Fri 31-May-13 00:05:12

Hey Rufus. Thanks for taking the time to message me. Environmental engineering huh? I gotta say I've never head of environmental engineering per se, although what it entails sounds quite fascinating. Sounds both challenging and fulfilling. I'll keep it in mind. Think I might read about it a little more tomorrow. Thanks again.

Catsandtheirpizza Fri 31-May-13 02:07:11

More Mumsnet acronyms than you can shake a stick at BT:

http://www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms

Homebird8 Fri 31-May-13 07:41:37

I'm back. I was meeting my boss for a coffee at the start of the day and he walked in to find me on MN. I sort of, might have, mentioned it to him before. If you're here big fella I'll squeeze in some work soon promise! wink

Another description of the straight forwardness of Kiwi's for you BengalTiger. This was in the NZ Herald a few weeks ago...

A man saw a burglar climbing in through the window of his neighbours' house. He got a few mates and they watched all sides of the property until the burglar exited with a big bag marked SWAG The one who saw him leave gave chase and, after quite a run managed to stop the thief in his tracks and sit on him until the police arrived. You know what the burglar said to the man sitting on him? "Nice Rugby tackle mate, who do you play for?"

I guess that's what I mean. Clear, communicative and a bit of a 'fair enough' attitude.

Your mum sounds lovely. Good that she likes her job. You're a long time at work if it's something that you don't like. Rufus' suggestion is a good one for a possible choice for you. There are so many exciting branches of a science and engineering out there and they are all better for a bit of creativity and flare (just like yours). I think you're going to have fun deciding which area is going to get the benefit of you!

As far as your mum's husband is concerned, you seem grateful for the efforts he makes to spend some time with you. It's not strange for you to feel a bit unsure though. You are nearly a man yourself and this man means a lot to your mum, just like you do. He's also not your dad, and quite rightfully you are still grieving. There's no need to rush at the relationship with DM's DH though. Just do a few things alongside each other and it may grow naturally. You can always tell him you appreciate his company sometimes. He will understand that and probably appreciate himself that his efforts are welcomed even if you don't feel quite comfortable yet. Does he have any DSs or DDs in his life?

It's a shame the dreaded pox got in the way of your counselling session. I would have been disappointed too. When is the next one arranged for? Once your spots have dried up it's ok to go out as you won't be infectious anymore. Hope nobody else in your house goes down with it. From memory, I think the incubation period is 14 to 21 days. Better do a count down from a few days before your spots came out for anyone you've been with. Are all your classmates going to come out in spots during their exams too? Don't worry about the ones you missed. It'll all come out in the wash I'm sure.

Good to hear from you, though with the time difference I'm never quite sure when that will be. Hope you've had a good night.

BengalTiger Sat 01-Jun-13 20:06:57

@homebird - That burglar story made me laugh. As for my mum's husband, yeah I think you may be right. Although I still feel bad about it. He has two daughters but they live with their mum, although he sees them quite a bit. They're alright. I don't know them that well though.

The next one is arranged for the 10th on Monday. Hopefully the spots will have gone by then. Everyone else in the house has had the pox before so that's good. I hope I didn't infect anyone! Wow, with exams and all that would be hell for sure. I haven't anyone I know at school of getting the pox so hopefully it was just isolated with me. Most would've probably had it when they were little, since it seems most people experience the pox when they're young.

I've been feeling kinda down in the last two days. This is what I fear the most. The moments when I feel hopeless. It's annoying cause sometimes I feel really good and other times life feels like a dead end.

BengalTiger Sat 01-Jun-13 20:07:24

CP - Thanks for the list of acronyms!

Homebird8 Sat 01-Jun-13 21:20:18

I hoped that story would make you laugh BengalTiger. There are funny things that are reported in the news all the time here -- mostly because the country is too small populationwise to have enough big news-- Have a laugh at this one Gummy bear thief

So sorry you're having a low time. Does it help much to remember the times in between, when you feel a bit brighter? You have a great support network though. Your mum, her DH, the GP, the Samaritans, us at MN and soon your counsellor. I hope you make a relationship quickly with the counsellor and that you can start to explore how you feel and that it helps you. Have you or your mum talked to school about what you're going through? They really need to know.

Don't dwell own your relationship with your DSF (if it's ok to call your DM's DH that). Not everything is your responsibility remember. The relationship will grow naturally if you're both open to it and such things cannot be forced. There's plenty of time.

I'm off this afternoon to have my first swimming lesson in 30 years. I've banned the family from coming to watch laugh at me. Wish me luck. I'm feeling a bit stupid, and unfit, and likely to swallow a lot of water!

BengalTiger Sat 01-Jun-13 23:26:57

"Officers followed a trail of Gummy Bears to a nearby bus shelter where a man who appeared to be intoxicated was asleep and surrounded by discarded gummies," he said.

Brilliant! When I'm down I don't really think about the brighter times. Even when I do it just seems hopeless. I think what makes it worse when I'm down is that I isolate myself from everyone and everything. I just bottle it up and that makes it worse. I need to break the habit, I know. And yes, the school is aware of what's going on. My mum told them because after I attempted to commit suicide, she didn't want me to take my GCSEs now cause of the possibility of stress.

Have fun swimming! I love it and I'm sure you will too. Remember that your apprehensiveness at the thought of swimming is just all in your head. It might not make sense now but it will when you master it. It's just all in your head - it's telling you you can't do it when your body easily can. I discovered this factor when I learned how to swim.

Good luck!

Hello!
Sorry to hear you're feeling down. Don't forget, being unwell and cooped up makes even the most cheerful person feel grim. It would be surprising if you were not feeling fed up and worse. Take care and we are here if you want to hang out online smile

Catsandtheirpizza Sun 02-Jun-13 08:48:20

How are you this morning BT? Are you not doing the exams you missed now?

I know you feel life is a dead-end, but if you can kick this depression into shape, you have so much going for you. I know you can't see it, but the rest of us can.

Homebird8 Sun 02-Jun-13 12:16:47

Great news. I went to my swimming lesson and learned how to blow bubbles! Myself and the three year old in the next lane were taking our practice very seriously wink. I actually enjoyed the lesson and although bits of me, as yet unidentified, are bound to hurt me in the morning I'm looking forward to next week. I actually managed to only breathe in and drink a small proportion of the pool so there is some left for another time. It'll be worth it in the end.

Glad you liked the gummy bear story. It's amazing what gets reported here. I'll let you know when the next thing makes me chuckle!

I'm also glad your mum has spoken with school. What decision did you all come to about your GCSEs? Better to get better before worrying about them. As I think I said, way up thread, there is loads of time. You won't turn into a pumpkin if you don't take them now. If you want to go ahead now, and it's not stressing you out, then maybe it's worth considering. Just don't feel pressured.

What are your plans for today? Get a bit of fresh air if you can. How are the spots doing?

BengalTiger Sun 02-Jun-13 17:20:25

@ CP - I had an okay morning. My afternoon was much better though.Went for a run, did some revising and and wrote a short story. I felt good after all that actually. And of course, I was listening to music through all 3 processes (told ya i'm a music junkie) so that was nice.

BengalTiger Sun 02-Jun-13 17:26:19

@Homebird8 - Great to hear that your swimming lesson was great. Bet it was a lot of fun too. I love swimming. I sometimes envy fish for being able to do it so effortlessly. In saying that, I wouldn't want to be a fish. Hunted by everything - even other fellow fish! That sucks. Average age expectancy of fish must be a week.

Well my mum didn't want me to take my GCSEs but I just want to get them out of the way. Secondary school has been leading up to this and I just want to get it out of the way. The studying isn't really doing my head in. I know most of the stuff - it's just about refining it.

And I had a good day. I did get some fresh actually. I went for a run (albeit with a hoodie up - face is still a mess). It felt really good. I also did some revising and wrote a short story. The spots are going down actually. Some on my leg have completely abated. But they're still there. No itching anymore however so that's great.

How was your day?

Catsandtheirpizza Mon 03-Jun-13 20:43:27

I hope you are feeling OK today BT. Let us all know how you are getting on.

Homebird8 Tue 04-Jun-13 09:41:59

I don't know about being a fish, BengalTiger, I quite fancy being a bird. Perhaps that's why I chose my nickname although I didn't think about that at the time.

I hope the GCSEs are going ok. Good to make the decision yourself I think although I can understand why your mum just wanted to make sure you weren't under any pressure either way. You sound really chilled about the revision. I was a bit panicky at the same point in my life because I really wasn't prepared. It sounds like you've kept on top of the work to now and can take the exams as a natural next step. I'm sure you'll be fine. And if you want to call it a day at any time that'll will be fine too.

Glad the itchiness is over. Try not to pick at the scabs so you don't get scars. I'm the world's worst for picking at things so I really am not in a position to give you that advice. Still, I'm a mum and can tell you to do what I say and not what I do wink

Hope you have a good day and keep taking those steps. One at a time.

Catsandtheirpizza Tue 04-Jun-13 17:22:51

Hello BT. I was wondering if you/your mum has managed to re-arrange a date for your counselling to start yet? I hope you are OK.

londone17 Tue 04-Jun-13 21:44:08

Hi bengaltiger. Hope you're okay and feeling better. Calamine lotion eases itching. Hope exams go well. Could you build in treats for yourself during the day and plan something to do when you've finished exams? As you're interested in travelling, would you be able to manage a weekend away, somewhere you'd always like to go?

Homebird8 Wed 05-Jun-13 07:59:44

Hi BengalTiger. How's it going? It's a few days since you managed to post something here. Have all your spots dried up now? That'll make it easier to go and see the counsellor. It's this Monday isn't it? Do you know anything about the counsellor? Man or woman? I was going to say old or young but when you're 16 everyone is old. Forgot that! Believe me, old gets older as your own age grows. wink

Give your little cat a stroke and a cuddle from me and don't forget I'm thinking about you. brew

Catsandtheirpizza Wed 05-Jun-13 20:27:32

Hi

Catsandtheirpizza Wed 05-Jun-13 20:41:02

Whoops, that was short! Sorry - on tablet

Hoping you will update us all on here

Homebird8 Thu 06-Jun-13 05:10:44

Hi BengalTiger. Not heard from you for a few days and am hoping that's because you are busy. Come and sit down and have a cuppa with me brew

Catsandtheirpizza Thu 06-Jun-13 22:16:50

Wondering how you are doing BT. Would be good to have an update if you have finished tea with Homebird.

Rufus20 Thu 06-Jun-13 23:22:05

Hi BengalTiger, I thought I'd drop in - how are you getting on?

Homebird8 Sat 08-Jun-13 00:43:49

Hi BengalTiger! Once again I find myself at the weekend and heading off to tackle a huge pile of washing. The upside is the sun is shining, the windows and doors are all open and the DSs are with DH playing hockey.

What are you up to?

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Sat 08-Jun-13 01:09:03

Hi there Bengal how you doing? Am
Really glad you finding it a help to post on here and hope you are doing ok.

BengalTiger Sat 08-Jun-13 20:34:46

hi everyone. Sorry for not being online for a bit. I've been feeling really down. i just feel exhausted.

Homebird8 Sat 08-Jun-13 22:23:29

No need to apologise BengalTiger. So sorry you've been having a bad few days. Glad to hear from you. I always find I get really tired too when I'm emotional or down. Funny how it affects you like that. Try to spend a bit of time with other people if you can. At least the world doesn't get to seem like the four walls of your bedroom then. Your chicken pox must be over by now. Don't worry about the leftover scabs. They'll be gone soon. What a crap time to get chicken pox though. I don't suppose there's ever a good time but right when you are struggling with your feelings and in exam season too.

My second swimming lesson is today. It's heaving it down with rain today so I guess I get wet whatever I do. DH is going to pick up my new bike from the shop today. Can't see getting ride though. I still need a helmet and I'm busy with work all week. Have you got a bike? Might be good to get the wind in your sails. smile

BengalTiger Sat 08-Jun-13 22:44:22

@Homebird - Yeah the pox has gone. Just got leftover marks. I just wanna get my exams out of the way. I finish officially on 14 June but I've still got the two I've missed left to do.

And I haven't got a bike. I've heard New Zealand has a lot of beautiful scenery so it must be nice riding a bike out there.

CatsAndTheirPizza Sun 09-Jun-13 00:26:56

Hello BT, good to see you here smile. I hope you are feeling a bit less down and exhausted soon.

Homebird8 Sun 09-Jun-13 00:41:07

I was doing a bit of surfing with you in mind BT and found these people Papyrus They offer a phone line for young people with depression and suicidal thoughts. Please give them a call.

Homebird8 Sun 09-Jun-13 00:43:01

Papyrus

phone number 0800 068 41 41
SMS 07786 209697
Email pat@papyrus-uk.org

CatsAndTheirPizza Sun 09-Jun-13 20:49:17

Evening BT. I hope you have been OK today & are feeling a bit better. Take care.

BengalTiger Mon 10-Jun-13 13:05:06

Just wanted to update people on the thread - I had my first session of therapy today. It was a bit awkward and I struggled a fair bit, but I know this is a long process so hopefully I'll become more comfortable as I go on.

@ Homebird - Thanks for the link(s). I actually called the helpline today in the morning as I was feeling really nervous for therapy. It helped. So thanks.

CatsAndTheirPizza Mon 10-Jun-13 19:26:23

Well done BT - that's great news. When is your next counselling session?

BengalTiger Mon 10-Jun-13 19:34:38

CP - The next one is on Thursday.

CatsAndTheirPizza Mon 10-Jun-13 19:51:46

This Thursday?

BengalTiger Mon 10-Jun-13 20:01:33

Yeah - making up for the session I missed. It'll revert back to one session (Mondays) a week. In all honesty I'm not optimistic about counselling. Didn't really take all that much from the last session, even though I know it's a gradual process.

Homebird8 Mon 10-Jun-13 20:03:02

Hi BT, the first counselling session was gong to be a bit new for you. Glad you have now met your counsellor and I hope you really start to get on with him or her. I'm sure it'll get more natural as things go on and that it will help. Good that your next session is so soon.

I'm also glad that the phone line helped before you went for your session. Best to find the people who really can help you. An engineer on the MN probably isn't the best qualified wink. I'm not going away though. Just an ordinary mum keeping an eye on you. Have you shown your mum this thread? It might just help.

CatsAndTheirPizza Mon 10-Jun-13 20:09:25

I expect this was more about you meeting your counsellor and getting to know him/her rather than doing too much. I doubt anyone comes out thinking they got much from the first session.

Did you like them? What were they like?

BengalTiger Mon 10-Jun-13 20:29:31

@Homebird - I hope it gets more natural like you said. And no, I haven't shown my mum. I'm not talking to her that much right now to be honest.

@ CP - She was okay. Seemed like a nice enough person.

CatsAndTheirPizza Mon 10-Jun-13 20:49:59

Are things not good with you and your mum after recent events?

BengalTiger Mon 10-Jun-13 20:56:57

No. Not really. She's trying but I'm not reciprocating. I honestly don't know why.

I'm gonna go now. I've been thinking a lot about my dad tonight so I just wanna be alone. Hope you and everyone have a nice night. Chat soon.

CatsAndTheirPizza Mon 10-Jun-13 20:59:03

Night BT.

cjel Mon 10-Jun-13 21:07:15

only just seen you post bengal. I'm glad you have a counsellor.The process of counselling can be slower than you would like but it will work. It is often when you look back over the months you can see the changes, I find a journal helps me then when i feel low i can look back and am always encouraged at what has moved. try and go at your own pace, discuss what is on your mind at that time. someone said to me that the mind is like a loft, we keep storing up stuff until one day there is no room for more.counselling is like clearing the loft out. you clear out what is nearest first, decide whether it needs to go back up there now it is sorted, or if it can be sorted and disgarded. when you have finished there is plenty of room for all the normal thoughts that you need to think and all the rubbbish has gone!! I don't know if that makes any sense at all to you? hope you have a good night.

BengalTiger Tue 11-Jun-13 00:25:53

Can't sleep.

@ Cjel - I completely get your analogy. Pretty good one actually. I take it you've been to therapy and it looks like there have been positive results. That's really cool. I know it's a gradual process. Just that right now I just want to stop feeling like this. I've just gotta remember the saying "good things come to those who wait."

Hey BT I'm up for another hour.

I was just thinking about you actually. How is it going?
What's stopping you sleeping right now? I'm here if it helps to chat

Oops just seen UK time - hope you're asleep now

Back again...I was talking on a mental health tips and resource sharing thread on urban 75 forums. I recommend it if you fancy a new forum; it's huge and covers loads of areas; the 'health relationships sexuality' and 'community' boards are v good but you have to have been on and posted for a bit to access.
Anyway, this link was shared on the thread and I thought of you ( and me-years ago)

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

Take care

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

www.metanoia.org/suicide/
Work you silly link! blush

cjel Tue 11-Jun-13 10:44:55

Morning, yes I did have counselling, person centred worked for me. It can tak a while but well worth trusting the process. I too 'just wanted all this to stop' but unlike you wanted to find ways to live and never felt that dying was the way that i wanted to make it stop. Hope you managed sleep?

CatsAndTheirPizza Tue 11-Jun-13 11:02:53

How are you feeling today BT?

CatsAndTheirPizza Tue 11-Jun-13 23:14:54

Good luck with your next counselling session tomorrow BT - I hope it goes well. I hope your cat is fine too.

cjel Wed 12-Jun-13 17:05:26

Hello BT have you had your session today? how did it go?

CatsAndTheirPizza Wed 12-Jun-13 17:30:42

Also wondering how you got on today, BT. I hope it went OK.

CatsAndTheirPizza Thu 13-Jun-13 09:34:57

Two days until the end of your GCSEs smile - did you manage to squeeze in the two you missed?

cjel Thu 13-Jun-13 23:08:30

Hello OP, you are still in my thoughts.

Thinking of you BT

CatsAndTheirPizza Fri 14-Jun-13 01:03:45

Also thinking of you BT.

Homebird8 Fri 14-Jun-13 21:29:52

Still here for you BengalTiger and trusting that you have loads of RL support and that the past few days have been ok. Here if you want to talk. Here if you don't. brew

cjel Sat 15-Jun-13 10:41:10

Morning BT.still here for you are you ok?

NoPartyDay Sat 15-Jun-13 11:15:41

Hey Bengal Tiger
i never met your Dad or Mum and don't know you but I suspect your Dad would have cherished every day he spent with you, and never ever regretted any working day he spent supporting the two of you- a Dad like yours was will love unconditionally, hence would be reassuring you now that he is so glad he had the priviledge to share his life with you and support you, Bengal Tiger. So please dont let the severe depression skew your thoughts into not seeing your Dad's point of view, as well as your Mum's, who is priveledged to have a second chance to share life with you and support you- she is so very lucky, Bengal.
Bengal Tiger, you are a loner at times, and that's OK. You have every right to be on this planet and every right to equal respect to the next person. None of us are immune to mistakes, we are all human but flawed.

For me, I find taking a magnesium supplement really does help with severe depression, and I have suffered it all of my adult and teen life also, so have tried many different things to help. Magnesium is just a vitamin/mineral tablet- you can find it at the health food shop/supermarket. Hold on honey, we all
Take care Bengal
xx

NoPartyDay Sat 15-Jun-13 11:21:51

Hey Bengal tiger,
I meant we all are preying for you to be able to reach out to who you feel comfortable-the Samaritans or a help line, or your local GP, your Mum. So glad you came here to chat to everyone, you were right to reach out. let us know how you're feeling today -hold on, hon. xx

CatsAndTheirPizza Sat 15-Jun-13 11:58:03

Hello BT. I hope you are OK. I've heard that counselling can make things quite uncomfortable for a while as emotions are stirred up - so don't worry if things seem worse than ever for a bit, as they will get better soon. It's a slow but sure process. Take care x

Timetoask Sat 15-Jun-13 12:08:10

BengalTiger: I have only just come across your thread. I am so relieved and happy to see that you chose to seek help. You are so brave to have taken some action.
I have been to therapy, I can tell you that it is a long process, even if you think it's not helping please give it time. You have so much to live for, please never give up.
I remember feeling very depressed when I was a teenager (you are dealing with so much more than I ever did though) and very depressing thoughts also came to my mind.
I am so happy I never acted on them. life has it's ups and downs, it always does, but I am so happy now. Life is worth living, you will come out of this.

CatsAndTheirPizza Sun 16-Jun-13 09:03:41

Thinking of you today BT.

CatsAndTheirPizza Mon 17-Jun-13 17:11:55

I hope your counselling went alright today. An update would be good - as well as nagging, the other thing we mums are really, really good at is worrying ... it would be good you know you are OK.

BengalTiger Fri 21-Jun-13 15:19:04

Hi everyone. I'm sorry for not updating for a while. I crashed pretty hard last week. I was writing my final exam and I just broke down. I can't really explain what happened but it felt like every bone and muscle in my body had just given up. I've not been in the greatest state recently. I've been in hospital and i'm not eating much (despite my mum nagging me a lot) or talking much. I'm on suicide watch (my mum is sleeping in the other bed in the guest room with me) and everything just feels so difficult.

I'm tired. Just so tired.

CatsAndTheirPizza Fri 21-Jun-13 15:52:26

Really pleased to hear from you, but I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now.

You did so well to even think about sitting your exams.

I'm glad your mum can be with you xx

BengalTiger Fri 21-Jun-13 16:01:51

Having my mum around is comforting.

CatsAndTheirPizza Fri 21-Jun-13 16:28:38

She's probably really grateful to be able to help - it probably helps her to feel useful too.

I think your poor body just needs a rest - you've been through so much. Take care.

cjel Fri 21-Jun-13 21:49:37

that exhaustion is awful< I remember that< I hope you take all the time you need to allow your mind and body to recover. If I could offer one piece of advice it would be try not to worry about the amount of time you feel you are stagnating, you will feel better but try not to count each day you don't as a failurexxxxx

Homebird8 Sat 22-Jun-13 07:02:25

Hi BengalTiger, you don't need to apologise to us. We said we'd be here for you and, if you too find being here useful, then that is what you have. You have an awful lot on your plate and are right to allow your mum's presence to comfort you. Her love is a given.

Those exams don't matter right now so don't give them a moment's thought. The point in doing them at all at the moment was only because it was something you wanted to do. I have to say that I'm glad you are on suicide watch. It will help to keep you safe. Getting better is going to take time. I have no direct experience of that but listen to cjel. That is real understanding.

Tomorrow we celebrate midwinter Christmas. It's warm at Christmas here so we have another crack at it when the weather is more wintry. I shall be thinking of you and praying for your own story that is just waiting to unfold. And then I'll pile my plate high with turkey and ham and other goodies and raise a glass to your good health. wine

BengalTiger Sat 22-Jun-13 15:04:39

@ Cjel - the exhaustion really is awful. Sometimes I go through patches when I'm okay. Like earlier today I was listening to music and it made me really optimistic just for a lil while. But it's like an illusion.

Thanks for the message.

Homebird8 - Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts. Midwinter? Winter?! At this time?! Planet Earth, eh? I can't imagine a Christmas being warm. When I was little I used to love it when it snowed at Christmas. Now I hate it. Such a nuisance. Especially when the snow melts and it's all slush. I hope you and your family have a great time.

Homebird8 Sat 22-Jun-13 21:46:11

I feel exactly the same about snow and especially slush BengalTiger. Pointless, cold, wet stuff! My DH keeps trying to persuade me that snow is a good thing and I'd love skiing. I'm unconvinced.

I wish I could make your brighter times last a little longer. Don't forget that even in the dark ones we are still here, gently willing you on and sending strength to get through. Give your mum a hug. Your body can feel the love even if your head is feeling a bit distant.

cjel Sun 23-Jun-13 09:31:05

its weird how real the crap seems and how far away the real world is, the peaceful optimism will stretch and you will find that the minutes will grow longer and you will look back and see you had a whole hour, then evening that wasn't bad. slowly slowly bt, you will get it back.x

BengalTiger Sun 23-Jun-13 18:02:55

I'm having a really bad day today. I rang up the Samaritans earlier. Sometimes my suicidal thoughts spring up so irrationally. Like if something irritates me, instead of just being irritated, suicidal thoughts just come out of the blue. It's ridiculous really.

cjel Sun 23-Jun-13 18:18:36

so pleased you rang them I hope they were the help you wanted. I would say that although the rational part of BT knows its ridiculous as they are your thought s they are vaild. I think its hopeful that you don't seem to want them and recognise they are not what you want. Thant sounds like progress is it?

BengalTiger Sun 23-Jun-13 18:26:11

Yeah, the Samaritans helped. You're right about the rational part of my mind recognising those thoughts and I'm able to shut them out sometimes, but other times I'm not. I wrote a suicide letter for my mum earlier today. It's just those dark patches that are so hard to get through. Sometimes i'm unable to resist them.

cjel Sun 23-Jun-13 18:35:08

if you have mum,real life help, here and samaritans between us we should be able to take the strain so you don't feel like you are wearing anyone out. Is it despair you feel ? that you don't want to be here or is it feeling so low that you want to stop and can't think of another way of stopping it?

BengalTiger Sun 23-Jun-13 18:40:20

Yeah it's despair. Exactly that. Constant despair and it just doesn't come from a single thing either. So many things seem to come together and attack my mind as one and it becomes unbearable. Sometimes I think I'm gonna go crazy. There's a bridge near my house with a considerable drop below and today, right before I rang up the samaritans, I went for a walk I found myself gravitating towards the railings. I actually had to jog quickly because those voices in my mind amplified when i was on the bridge.

cjel Sun 23-Jun-13 18:49:13

that must be so hard to cope with, glad your 'proper' brain knew you didn't really want to go over! I don't think you are going crazy I think your mind is stretched to its limit at the moment, did I tell you about i t being like a rubber band and the more it gets stretched with stress the less it springs back to peace. You have to wait for it to spring back more slowly now it has overstretched. Every time you have good thought s or a good rest or time of distraction it gets chance to get some stretch back - it just seems to take forever, when you are waiting.x

BengalTiger Sun 23-Jun-13 18:51:01

I'll remember the rubber band analogy. I wish i was like you and was over this thing. It's exhausting.

cjel Sun 23-Jun-13 18:57:11

it is shattering, you won't ever be like me I have my fears and phobias stillsmile but you will be the best BT you can be and it will be miles better than me!!!

BengalTiger Sun 23-Jun-13 19:07:21

I doubt I can be miles better than ya. It's heartwarming to read about someone get past this.

CatsAndTheirPizza Sun 23-Jun-13 19:10:21

Listen to Cjel BT - and others up-thread who have got past it. All of them are so glad they resisted that urge.

cjel Sun 23-Jun-13 19:10:41

the trouble is its only when you start to talk about it that you find out how many people have suffered the way you are. you are getting the right help that when you recover you will never feel like this again.

BengalTiger Sun 23-Jun-13 19:15:31

Yeah you're right. I felt like I was the only person in the world going through what I was. Kinda made me feel even more lonely and hopeless.

BengalTiger Sun 23-Jun-13 19:16:06

@ Cats - I'll try my best to resist.

CatsAndTheirPizza Sun 23-Jun-13 19:20:17

BT, so many people your age are going through this. I read about it all the time. The only thing that matters is that you are alive, the rest of your life will sort itself out.

maristella Sun 23-Jun-13 19:22:51

Hey BT I've only just found your thread.
You are so young, and you've lost the most important person at the worst age to lose someone hmm
My son is a year younger than you, and was recently bereaved, so your thread really struck a cord with me.
My son feels a massive sense of guilt. He feels guilty for being happy, he worries that he might have been responsible, and he wasn't responsible for what happened, just like you're not.
My sons father doesn't see him. He felt this rejection very deeply, and it has always made him question himself. He doesn't always feel deserving of good.
He's also really into his music, lots of thudding noises are coming from his room right now grin
What music are you into? Music is the best grin it can be so powerful

BengalTiger Sun 23-Jun-13 19:23:19

It doesn't feel like a lot of people my age go through the same thing. Though I do remember reading somewhere that in males, the age group most prone to suicide is 15-24. Don't know if they were US or UK stats though.

CatsAndTheirPizza Sun 23-Jun-13 19:31:24

There are so many people who are male and your age that go through it that there is entire website devoted to suicidal male teenagers. I'm trying to remember what it is called and where I read about it.

You have been through so much BT, it is absolutely 'normal' for you to feel like this. I'm sure that anyone who had been in your situation would feel like this.

BengalTiger Sun 23-Jun-13 19:33:19

@ Maristella - I'm sorry that your son was bereaved. I know what it feels like.

Thudding noises coming from my room, too smile I absolutely adore music. honestly t would take me all day to list all my favourite genres but I'll try: Drum and bass, ambient, film and video-game scores, 70s-style Rock, Soul and RnB (particularly the old stuff from the 70s, 80s, 90s), jazz, reggae and old hip-hop.

My dad absolutely loved music. Sometimes he'd just sit in the living room on a Sunday and just listen to the Beatles or Rolling Stones. Growing up I'd hear the songs and just started listening to the stuff he did. He had a broad love for music - that's where I get my wide taste from. It's weird though cause I don't really listen to a lot of modern stuff besides modern drum and bass. What's your son's favourite kind of music?

cjel Sun 23-Jun-13 19:33:55

its the nature of the beast though isn't it that people who feel this way tuck in and lose contact with others so no one knows when they are going through it. it feels like there was a core of you that doesn't want to die and has reached out and you are going to take the help you can to change and get well. when you feel like it it may be good to ask if there are people around that you could support. there is a need even if its on the phone or online.x

BengalTiger Sun 23-Jun-13 19:40:42

Yeah I think the core in me doesn't want to die either. Self-preservation is a pretty strong thing. Plus there's so many things that I've always wanted to do before I die. Thanks for your support. It means a lot.

maristella Sun 23-Jun-13 19:45:45

But they do! I did, I was so miserable in my teens, and I didn't have a hard time like you've had.
I work with young people and sometimes they can be really low in mood, makes me sad.

maristella Sun 23-Jun-13 19:52:12

Yep we're into drum n bass here too grin I took my son to see ltj bukem last year, and we're seeing him again in August. Can't wait!! Have a look on YouTube and let me know what you make of his stuff. Your music tastes sound just like ours smile
On a good car journey I'll listen to some dnb, some Stevie wonder, some snoop, some Damian Marley grin
My son is making a tune right now actually, he finds it really helpful as a release.
Can you access any music right now? Please get some playing.
Your Dad sounds ace

cjel Sun 23-Jun-13 20:02:26

Maristell, I don't know any of that music, but BT I just danced around my kitchen to a song from the 70s, i love listening to Johnnie Walker on bbc radio 2 from 3 till 5 on sundays it is called sound of the 70s I always end up dancing and singing as though I was a teenager again.

BengalTiger Sun 23-Jun-13 20:09:50

You sound like an awesome mum. I wish my mum was into DnB. She says it just sounds like a bunch of noise lol. But she likes the old stuff, particularly RnB and Soul.

I'll check out ltj bukem. Stevie Wonder's awesome. Like I said I love video-game scores and on a recent game trailer his song, "Skeletons," was played in the background. I've watched that trailer over 100 times cause of that song.

What kind of tunes does your son make? Sounds really cool. I get the making music as a helpful release. Totally get it. I like to write as a release. Not only do i find it calming but I also love playing God lol. You know, creating people and worlds. It feels like I'm really there.

And I'm listening to some ambient music right now. Really calming. And thanks about the my dad.

BengalTiger Sun 23-Jun-13 20:11:20

@ cjel - 70s music is amazing. Sometimes I wish I was from that era because even though it's great to listen to stuff like that right now, it woudl've been awesome to be there when the music just hit the streets. But then again, there were no computers and video-games back then so I don't know how I'd cope!

maristella Sun 23-Jun-13 20:21:33

Your description of musical Sundays took me back to my own childhood smile my dad would be blaring out the stones really loudly!

maristella Sun 23-Jun-13 20:23:48

My son makes dnb, electro and sometimes a bit of techno grin
All my fault, he had it inflicted on him from day 1 by me wink
When did you last see some live music? Make it your mission to do that this summer!

cjel Sun 23-Jun-13 20:37:55

i think we just took up our time with what we did have, i remember getting little radio which i used to put under my pillow to listen to radio luxemburg as all other stations shut down at night. we had much better access to liv e music though, one year about 1973 i think i saw Elton john, david bowie, david essex, gilbert o sullivan, rod stewart, bay city rollers and others, we just used to pop down the road and they all came to the town!!

BengalTiger Sun 23-Jun-13 20:42:27

So you're an electronic music junkie? So cool. I forgot to add trance, progressive trance and funky and progressive house to my list actually. I always listen to trance when I'm writing.

The last time I saw some live music . . . wow. Easily over 2 years ago. I'm really introverted these days and I prefer spending a lot of time on my own. My mum took me to a football game a couple of months back and I was so anxious cause of the amount of people there. I felt like they were all judging me.

BengalTiger Sun 23-Jun-13 20:45:34

cjel - You saw Elton John, David Bowie and Rod Stewart? That's so cool. Sometimes I really feel separated from people my age cause of the stuff I like. I can't stand the likes of Lil Wayne and Nicki Minaj and lot of people my age listen those guys.

CatsAndTheirPizza Sun 23-Jun-13 20:47:38

They wouldn't have been judging you at all - they would have been wrapped up in the game. That's depression talking (got the t-shirt).

BengalTiger Sun 23-Jun-13 20:55:36

@ Cats - yeah I know. The rational part of my mind knows but sometimes the irrational side wins.

Anyway everyone I've gotta go. Thanks for the support. It's been nice talking and it's made me feel better. Hope you all have a good night and sleep well.

cjel Sun 23-Jun-13 20:57:19

agree cats, horrid feeling that everyones looking and judging when really they probably haven't noticed.
Yes saw them all in small theatres standing at the front close enough to touch!! david bowie was the 1st concert i ever saw. I really feel like an old grannie now!!!smile
I think because we didnt have all the technology we really did go out and make our own entertainment. we saw ice shows, stage shows went out to see stuff at museums etc because there was no internet we only knew about it if we saw it, it was a good time I'd forgotten all i'd done, thank you for the lovely trip down memory lane. I also used to go to watch football matches every two weeks, although I think the crowds may be too much for me now.

cjel Sun 23-Jun-13 21:12:39

just had a thought that i used to play ziggy stardust all the time and 'rock'n'roll suicide always made my heart break and i'd sob but in a way it was a real comfort.I'd play it so loud that the horns at the start of the second part used to go right through my guts. Listen to it, Its lovely. I actually bought the cd a few years ago to replace my old lp and it was still as moving.

cjel Sun 23-Jun-13 23:23:00

hope you are having a good evening, I'm off for the night. happy dreams

CatsAndTheirPizza Mon 24-Jun-13 13:09:54

BT, just a thought. Have you torn up the letter?

cjel Mon 24-Jun-13 13:22:11

Morning BT hope you had a good nights rest. Do you have any plans for today?

Homebird8 Wed 26-Jun-13 08:03:04

Hey BengalTiger. Just having a moment to think about you. Hope today brings some of those better moments.

cjel Sat 29-Jun-13 21:13:22

Hello BT you don't have to answer, but I haven't forgotten you.

CatsAndTheirPizza Sun 30-Jun-13 10:12:59

Hi BT, I hope you are OK.

BengalTiger Sun 30-Jun-13 22:54:36

I honestly feel as if my birth was a mistake. I wasn't supposed to be born. I can't live life like this anymore. It's not even a life. It's survival really. And it's really exhausting. I'm too worn down. I haven't got any strength left in me. I'm sorry.

CatsAndTheirPizza Sun 30-Jun-13 23:34:00

Your birth wasn't a mistake BT. Your parents loved each other then, regardless of what eventually happened. It's so early in your treatment, you need to hang on in there some more. I know it's exhausting. Go and find your mum and let her help you through tonight - don't do this to her.

mummylin Mon 01-Jul-13 00:13:35

bengaltiger I have not posted on your thread before but I have been reading it now and then to see how you are doing. Please don't think that you should not of been born. I am a mum and I would be devastated to think my son felt that way as I'm sure your mum would . Things will improve for you I'm sure. Don't give up on life. You have a lot to look forward to. Somewhere right now in the world is the person you will get to spend your life with in the future. You have yet to meet them, but you will. Don't give up on that.

BengalTiger Mon 01-Jul-13 00:32:08

@ CP - it was actually a mistake. That's not just depression talking. My parents didn't intend to have me. They were 18 when it happened. Yes they probably loved each other but I don't know a lot of people that plan to have kids when they are 18.

I love my mum. I really do. And I don't want to hurt her, but it's gotten to the point I feel like I can't breathe. It feels like I'm being smothered.

@lin - Sometimes I do think about all the stuff I'll get to miss out on. You're right there's a lot in the future. But at the same time, I'm totally, flat out exhausted. I can't keep this going in the hopes of something good coming along some time from now. We all die at some point. I just wanna go early.

CatsAndTheirPizza Mon 01-Jul-13 00:35:46

But it was a good mistake. It will hurt her if you take your life. It will devastate her. Something good will come along - it's not a vague hope that something will.

mummylin Mon 01-Jul-13 01:11:05

Please. Don't give up. Life can still be good for you. I understand you feel how you do but the devastation you would leave would be awful.
Does. Your mum know that you are feeling so low ? Please talk to her and let her help . Just concentrate on getting through each day, don't worry about the day after until it arrives. Your obvious unhappiness is heartbreaking.

Homebird8 Mon 01-Jul-13 03:46:48

So, your conception was a surprise. Your life however is not a mistake. Your life is precious and the reason you feel the way you do is because you are ill. Working with your doctor and your counsellor and those around you who love you to get better is exhausting. It is just so worth it. You are so worth it. So, put one foot in front of the other, just once, and then take a rest. The next time start with the other foot. Do you need to search for meaning? Perhaps, for you at the moment, it doesn't seem to be there. Stop searching and just be. Feel loved. flowers

cjel Mon 01-Jul-13 08:37:35

Morning BT. The exhaustion is almost literally a killer isn't it. what has made you think that your birth was a mistake? like homebird says conception was a surprise, you are not a mistake. My family is full of surprises - my dd, and 4 out of 5 of my grandchildren. 2 of whom were born to 17 yr olds, they are now 13 and 8 and their parents wouldnt be without them.
It really is the depression talking,
exhaustion when you are working as hard as you are is very normal. a doctor told me that the adrenalin used in an average panic attack is the same as a marathon run. trouble is rest doesn't come easy to restore does it? i hope you managed the night in what ever way you could and feeling a bit clearer this morning?

BengalTiger Mon 01-Jul-13 14:18:01

@ Cats - I listened to your advice and I managed to get through the night with my mum.

@ lin - Sometimes it's hard for me to take life a day at a time. Sometimes I think too far ahead and then I get overwhelmed. That's what happened last night.

@ Homebird - Yes, I guess you could say I sometimes search for the meaning of life. And it gets me down when I do because life seems to be a pointless thing. I always think in one hundred years' time, all this, everything I am, won't even matter. It sounds stupid and silly and I can't quite put it into words, but that's how I feel.

@ Cjel - You're right about the exhaustion. It weighs me down so much. And I think that my birth is a mistake not only cause I was a surprise but also cause I feel like I took my parents' life away. My parents were only two years older than I currently am when they had me. The thought of me being a parent at 18 sounds more insane than the thought of turning into a fish. I mean my dad's life literally revolved around me and he was 34 when he died. He still had so many more years to live. I just feel like I drained his life away.

cjel Mon 01-Jul-13 14:40:40

that must feel horrible that you had a responsibility for your dad dying young, I don't know his situation but in my family our children are the best thing that happened.the parents work really hard but that is because they want to provide for the children they love so much, not because they are made to by their children and I bet your dear dad felt the same.
Glad you found a way to get through the night,
I haven't heard anything in your posts to suggest you are abnormal, your thoughts, feelings etc are nothing that others haven't felt before you and recovered from.
It was weird seeing my dd age 17giving birth but it happened and shes a brilliant mum. she was doing A levels so it was alien to her too!!
I know its hard but it really does help to try and think about where you are now and when the time is right and you consider being a parent you will be able to cope with it.

I am a christian so I find my faith helps me with the 'why are we here'questions so afraid i have no advice to give on that except to think about this hour, afternoon, day etc and e when you are better then you will cope with thoughts of the future.

mummylin Mon 01-Jul-13 14:44:15

Oh bengal you didn't take your dads life away, for the time you did have together, you enriched it. When you feel overwhelmed please talk to your mum or come here where there will always be someone here to talk to you.

BengalTiger Mon 01-Jul-13 14:52:04

Your family sounds really lovely.

When you were depressed, how long did it last? I just want it to be over.

BengalTiger Mon 01-Jul-13 14:55:16

@lin - My dad's hairline starting receding about a year before he died. I used to laugh at him and he told me that one day, when he's an old man and I'm approaching middle-age and my hair starts going, he'll laugh at me too. I always think about that and i think about what I've missed.

mummylin Mon 01-Jul-13 15:55:20

You are his legacy to the world, who knows what great contribution you are going to make in the future and how many people you may help . Its probably very hard for you to look ahead to being middle Aged at the moment, but you will get there and look back and smile about what your dad said to you. Maybe you will be the one to invent the cure for baldness or one of your children. There s such a lot for you to experience. You seem a very clever young man and if you persevere you will go far.

CatsAndTheirPizza Mon 01-Jul-13 18:20:16

Well done BT. That's one day closer to being better smile.

I don't think many people can imagine being a parent fully until their baby arrives. You can be confident you were the most important person in your dad's life and that he would never have regretted your arrival for a second. You wouldn't be as nice as you are if he hadn't enjoyed parenting you.

I don't think you can put an end date on your depression. You won't always feel you are getting better, until one day you will suddenly realise you are better.

Try not to look too far ahead for now. The future will work itself out. You're a bright guy, and the downside of that is that you are questioning. I sometimes think it must be nice for people who have a dog-like attitude to life and take things at face value. The upside of your intelligence is that it will stand you in good stead for your future ... and all that writing you are going to do.

This bit: ' I always think in one hundred years' time, all this, everything I am, won't even matter' it doesn't really matter - just 'be' for now. Don't worry about the future, what you may or may not achieve, what your work will be, whether you will have children. None of it matters for now. All your mum wants is for you to be here, whatever that means in the future. Don't put pressure on yourself, because it doesn't sound as though anyone else is putting pressure on you to do anything other than stay alive - that's all anyone wants.

neenienana Mon 01-Jul-13 18:35:51

Hi bt, my thoughts are with you. You really do sound like a lovely person. A close family member of my brother in law has just hung himself and his mother and family are absolutely devastated. He was very depressed but managed to hide it as he was at uni. Please get help, its just the chemicals in your brain which are wreaking havoc with your thoughts. My mum has had severe depression in the past and has always come out of it with treatment. Big hugs and sympathy, depression is the worst thing.

Wuldric Mon 01-Jul-13 18:58:14

You're grieving mate. That's okay, it's good to grieve.

You are a clever and kind boy, and life will offer you much. The future will come around before you know it. I hope you find it in yourself to relax enough to enjoy it.

Good luck

BengalTiger Mon 01-Jul-13 21:10:56

@ Lin - I don't think I'll come up with a cure for baldness, but you are right - there is a lot of stuff for me to experience. It just feels so far away. But I know you're right. It's just about getting through this. It's the most difficult battle ever.

@ Cats - The end date thing has been tormenting me. It gets to a point where you just get tired of feeling down and that's how I feel. I go through 'happy' patches when everything seems to be alright, but those patches don't last long.

@neenienan - I'm so sorry about the close family member. I know I sound like I'm being a hypocrite but that's just absolutely awful. It's a shame his family weren't aware about it but I can see why/how they didn't. It took me a long, long time to tell my mum. It's just something that's really difficult to talk about. I'm sorry for you and your family's loss.

@Wuldric - Thanks for the kind message.

mummylin Mon 01-Jul-13 21:25:01

BT please don't give up. I have a sister with bi-polar 7 yrs ago she was suicidal. Her marriage broke down , she left the family home. Would speak to no- pen apart from me. She was in a real state. It was terrifying for her. Moving on to now. She remarried three years ago. And has twin baby girls of 16 months. We would never of imagined this could of happened. She is very very stable now.she also at times could see no way out and saw death as a preference. But with medication and hospital stays with counselling, she has come through it. You can / will do it too.You sound so very sad at the moment. Happier times will come , I am sure of it.have a hug from me x

BengalTiger Mon 01-Jul-13 21:30:22

I'm glad your sister pulled through it. She sounds like a strong person. I'll try my best. I have my doubts cause its really hard but all i can do is try.