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Noone seems to believe i am ill, just that im a bad person. what are my options?

(94 Posts)
ArtVandelay Fri 10-May-13 20:57:02

Hello, I've had a series of breakdowns in the past year. Mostly brought on by traumatic life events and the lonliness and isolation of living in a new town where there are no English speaking people. My H is away 50% of the time and I have developed a lot of fear of attacks and accidents and so rarely leave the house. I have pretty much sole care of a toddler and I'm just exhausted from it all. I have no friends here or a network despite working hard to reach out.

My breadowns have been largely untreated - bit of mirtazipine, bit of valium but no respite, talking cure or even a holiday. It's just brushed under the carpet so I will continue to care for my son and do housework whilst my H works.

Yesterday, I burst into tears at a family event because H started to make fun of me and wouldn't stop and so embarrassed my H and DM. They have not spoken to me since execpt for a few attacks about 'you need to grow up', its all about them and I don't know what to do. I've spent the day asleep by taking medicine.

I don't know what to do, I have constant thoughts and plans to kill myself. I tried to get to the Dr today and Psychiatrist but for some reason. All medical offices were having a closed day in my town. I think at this stage I would be safest in hospital but I'm just being told I can't because everyone has plans and I need to take care of my son. What should I do? I thought mental illness is a real illness, and I can't believe I'm being attacked for this. I don't want to feel like this but my life truly is at a dead end.

I'm overseas so can't contact any helplines. It's a&e or nothing and I'm now feeling like noone will believe me. How do I get to Monday when the DR offices open?

ArtVandelay Fri 10-May-13 20:59:16

I wish I could go out but there is nowhere to go.

hearthwitch Fri 10-May-13 21:32:23

you are unhappy and sound depressed . you recognize that you need help which is good. but it sounds like your family don't understand. hold on you can make it but you must seek help. your h and fam need to step up whilst you get help.

Do you have relatives in the uk that you could go and stay with? I know as a non-resident citizen getting nhs treatment can be hard but it is doable.
You really need to see a pysch asap, if this has to be where you are then so be it. And then your husband and mother need to have the ins and outs of depression explained to them.
Public redicule when.someone is feeling as low as you are is a horrible horrible thing, though personally I'd say humour that attacks your life partner is never a good idea.

ArtVandelay Fri 10-May-13 21:56:24

I'm supposed to fly to the UK for a month, stsrting next week but I really feel that DM will use this to bully me further. My health insurance allows me to take treatment in the UK so I'm hoping I can get some help there but I can't afford to hold ny breath. I just can't understand why I'm getting a kicking for something that's an illness and truly not one that gives me any benefits. I just feel so trapped and want to get away. I thought that mental illness was real but I'm being told I am just a bad person, everybody's needs cone first and I need help.

ArtVandelay Fri 10-May-13 21:57:28

Thanks for answering. It is real, isn't it?

Ilikethebreeze Fri 10-May-13 22:30:24

A few questions. Sorry you are feeling like this. Yes, mental illness is an illness. Yes, it is real.

I think you shouls definitely come to the UK next week as planned.

Who is DM. Is that your mother? And is she in the UK?
Sorry for my confusion.

What sort of medicine have you taken today?
Is you husband British?

ArtVandelay Fri 10-May-13 22:49:17

DM is staying with us for one week and then we fly out to England next week. H is Dutch and I do think his and the Pils responses are not typical of their culture - maybe a bit awkward and ignorant about these things. Sadly my DM is only able to see things how they affect her and how things look.

Today I have taken 4 oxazepam and a mirtazipine with the idea of knocking me out. Being sent to coventry is stressful. Right now I feel pretty dead which is good, but I can't see a Dr until Monday morning.

ThisIsMummyPig Fri 10-May-13 22:58:59

If your H is away 50% of the time, is there anything stopping you moving to an area/country where you could get more support - even if it's just to another town where there are more ex pats?

Does your H really understand that you want to die, and that if he doesn't support you now he could be left looking after your son on his own. For Ever.

He sounds like he needs that spelling out, and he needs to get his arse into gear to help you properly.

Of course mental illness is real. I think you are doing extremely well to recognise your position so clearly.

Come to England - with or without the NHS, it still gives you a chance to meet up with old friends (or MNetters)

Yes, what you are feeling is real and valid, its just those who have not suffered from it can have a hard time understanding it. Not that that excuses callousness. People who supposedly love you should be trying to help and understand you, not dismissing you because it does not fit with their agenda. It will be a struggle but dont let them do, demand support, its what you need.

Unfortunatelyanxious Sat 11-May-13 07:55:56

Can you get an earlier flight ?some people are scared of mh issues and behave terribly they are being so awful I am actually shocked I hope you get the help you need keep posting here x

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 08:46:00

Thanks for the messages, I just woke up. I'm going to get some coffee, i'll come back. Thanks.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 09:06:27

Well, I think that the crux of the issue is that my H doesn't love me and realising this has tipped me over this time. It's just not possible that you could love someone and dismiss their feelings like this. All the stuff that I have supported him in and that's not enough - he took away everything when we moved here. I have basically made myself disappear to support him. That's why I can't understand why killing myself would be such a disgrace. There's not much left to kill really, just the body. Then they say 'look at that child, how will we tell him that his mum didn't love him because she killed herself'.

MavisG Sat 11-May-13 09:19:41

Art you can get better, get the rest of you back. Hang in there.

DuchessFanny Sat 11-May-13 09:21:45

Are you in the Netherlands then ? Whereabouts ? I'm thinking if there is no English spoken it must be Friesland ? Rural ?

I ask as I'm an ex-pat here and there is a good community of Brits ( and other ex-pats) but we are in a busy, popular area ... Wondering if you can relocate to somewhere you'll get a support network xxx

DuchessFanny Sat 11-May-13 09:24:02

Also, do you have SMASH in your area ? The out of hours emergency number ? You're charged of course, but its covered by medical ... Am worried for you, do please PM me if I can help with numbers and other support xx

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 09:36:37

Thanks Mavis and Fanny, I am in Germany not NL. I haven't a clue how to get emergency help here, apart from a&e. I used to live in a different region of Germany where everything is different. Besides, where I used to live I would have had friends round and it never would have got this bad. The isolation here has literally drove me mad, I speak fluent German before anyone suggests lessons. I just Hate how humourless and boring and ugly it is here. I Hate that I am always alone trying to be cheerful for DS. I'm so pissed off, I should not be feeling like this, I have worked so hard and now its all for nothing. I know now that's its just too fucked to continue.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 09:40:52

Sorry, its really helping to talk. My family is still ignoring me and I don't have anyone to visit. I tell myself, if you get dressed and walk into the town, you can buy yourself whatever you want. But then I just think what's the point. And I buy terrible things when I'm not feeling right smile that is sort of funny.

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 09:44:31

smile
As well as your DH, it is sad that your mum is not helping with the problem, but instead, making it worse.
Are you saying that you have no family of your own in Germany [except your mum who is currently on a visit].
What family of your do you have back in the UK? brothers, sisters cousins.

DuchessFanny Sat 11-May-13 09:46:17

Ahh ! I see ! Brilliant that you're fluent, so that must help to kit feel so isolated -- but you need mates and a support network, especially for when you feel so shit !
Have you been on expatica ? If I remember rightly you can pop in your country of residence and look up other ex pats in your area and also get other hints/tips/advice ... Wish there was more I could do, but hth xx

Your H is an arse.

Do you know what you want to do today? Maybe you want to plan it out so it doesn't drag out and make you feel more awful. And yes, what you have is definitely real and you don't need to question yourself like your family is doing. Hugs to you.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 11-May-13 09:52:54

I can't help but feeling, and im sorry to say this, because i usually don't think this but you will be better the sooner you are away from your DH, he sounds horribly controlling and he is belittling you by not taking this seriously. What plans do people have that are more important than you getting the medical help you need??

Is there anyone in RL you can talk to?

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 10:10:19

Yeah, expatica and internations might throw up some people but tbh, its not the sort of place where you get expats. And people are often rudely curious about western foreigners or blatantly racist if you are an eastern foreigner. I've networked, I've given phone numbers, I've organised trips to playgroups - even set up my own playgroup which people come to. I'm on the comittee of my housing association. I teach English to my neighbour and the vicar. I can't keep on being a one woman ball of enthusiasm and friendliness when actually I hate myself and I hate my life. I want to go on holiday, I want a husband that talks about something else other than himself and work, I want a normal family without having to go through kramer vs Fucking kramer every time the SDCs come over. I want some childcare, I want a job - supermarket, whatever, its all fine. I want my stupid whiney, late paying renters that live in my house that took 2 years out of my life to build and that I never got to live in to spontaneously Fucking combust... I'm so angry, I'm sorry. It's just that I really have done my best.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 10:12:41

But after saying all that... No there is noone in real life I can talk too because I wouldn't know where to start. I think if the person had to listen for their job then id feel okay about it.

I feel better getting this out to you guys, thanks. There is loads more but that would probably be enough to give you a picture of why I feel so defeated.

If all the problems you're talking about suddenly went away, do you think you would start feeling better? What I'm asking is, is it situational or a combination of the two? Sounds like you're worn out trying to be superwoman and no wonder!

You say you can buy stuff you don't really want, would you be able to afford a therapist at all?

DuchessFanny Sat 11-May-13 10:32:47

It sounds pretty relentless !
If you want you can PM me and write it all down, it really dies help to get it all out !
Btw you've done brilliantly doing all you do, it's no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed. It's not easy and if you feel isolated its a thousand times worse !

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 10:43:31

I think its situational. I'm an emotional sort of person generally, but I think that's a strength - I'm very friendly and joyful in reality which is why I can put a front on, I know how to act like that because I know how it feels IYSWIM.

We aren't loaded because of the move and building that damn house but yes, if I could find an English speaking therapist I would take it, my health insurance covers this anyway. I just haven't got the guts or energy to sort this out. When I say I speak fluent German, I do, but that's a long way off being able to talk naturally and with real meaning about feelings or situations. Id say that 90% of my interactions make me feel stupid, embarrassed, stressed and confused right now. So the thought of finding help or just leaving the house makes me scared. Currently I'm lying in bed and its not nice. I'm still being ignored by my family and don't know what to do next. This is ridiculous.

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 10:43:42

Someone said about making plans. I think you need to do that too.
Short term, medium term and long term.

Short term. Keep talking on here to get yourself to Monday. Monday see doctor and psychiatrist. Later in week fly to UK.

Medium term. You may have to decide that.
Would your DH come back to the Uk?

Long term. Allow your mind to be open. Where do you want to be. Ideally, what would you like to be doing.

I do think, at some point, that you living in Germany, or certainly the area you are in, is quite frankly, awful for you. You have done your utmost best to have a support network, but it hasnt worked there. Maybe it would be better in another part of Germany?
Especically with expats?

Your mum. Sadly, I am not sure that she is going to be much help to you wherever you are living.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 10:52:39

Thanks for your messages, I'm going to have a bath, I can't stop crying and don't want to write anything stupid or dramatic. I'll come back when I've calmed down. Thanks.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 11:38:39

My M has just walked into my bedroom without knocking put something in here, ignored me and then walked out leaving the door wide open. Is it just me or is that somebody trying to get a reaction? I can't tell anymore but it does feel very hostile. very afraid. Last night she said she would lock me in the flat and if I called the police she would tell them it was a joke and they would believe her. How did it come to this? I'm in trouble for a crying outburst when

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 11:40:02

I didn't shout at or hit anyone. I can see that I'm not being very fun or entertaining but come on. What have I done that is so bad?

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 11:41:33

I have locked the door now.

DameFanny Sat 11-May-13 11:44:49

Taking an educated guess here, I think you have an abusive mother who trained you up so that you would fall for an abusive husband.

Frankly, depression is the sane response in those circumstances.

Where's your house that you built? Do you have friends there? Is it UK or Germany?

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 11:52:34

One of my thoughts right now is that she's back in her comfy dynamic of her + male figure demonising me to try and make herself look good. That was my childhood really. If that's really what's happening then that's a bit of a blow on top of everything else.

She's got very low self esteem but is a dreadful show-off. She also gives me loads of money, some of which I've taken. I thought that she was just desperate to not be alone in her old age and wanted to be with my DS, I thought shed given up on wanting to control me a long time ago.

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 11:52:52

Has you mother always been like this.
Do she and your husband get along well?

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 11:53:17

x post

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 11:53:38

House is in Germany, great place. Plenty of nice friends and good network generally.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 11:55:00

I don't think my H is that keen on my mum, I also think he isn't particularly controlling, more just self centered and singleminded. Very inconsiderate.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 11:57:38

I can't say any of my H's behaviour was ever an issue when I had my mates around me and stuff to do.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 12:01:37

He doesn't do porn/sex messaging/ affairs sort of abuse. We have a joint account, I feel like I can do what I want - but with the provisio - that its accompanied by DS and doesn't interfere with his work. So yes, its a relationship with problems but up until this thought it was reasonably okay.

StoicButStressed Sat 11-May-13 12:04:20

PLEASE KEEP THIS SITE bookmarked and if you feel like you may be about to act on your thoughts then PLEASE go to it.

YOU are not mad or 'just a body' and worthless; you are ILL - in same way someone with diabetes or cancer or a broken leg is ILL.

If helps, please hang on to the fact that it sounds like you are currently surrounded by people who ARE being fucking worthless - the bedroom scenario you describe above is vile on so many levels but NONE of them about YOU.

Samaritans have an e-mail service so PLEASE use that too if cannot get help until Monday, or simply ring them from overseas (can google local branches which have their phone numbers on).

Above all, just hang on in there even if just one minute at a time - your son would NOT be better off without you; that's simply a lie of a thought that your mind, which is ILL, is telling you. Sx

DameFanny Sat 11-May-13 12:04:43

Does he have any good points, or is it just that he doesn't do worse stuff? If he doesn't want responsibility for your son, what's his relationship with his other children?

DameFanny Sat 11-May-13 12:09:53

For what it's worth, from your description of the things you do and have done, you sounds to me like a lively, sociable and resilient person. Look to your actions - don't believe other people's assessments of you - they don't have your best interests at heart.

Please don't do something silly - the world is a better place with you in it. Your mother and husband maybe not so much.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 12:16:58

I just don't have any ideas anymore. The more questions you ask, I guess the worse it is if I'm honest. I'm going to have to think of something to do because staying locked in here is not doing me any good even if it does keep people out.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 12:21:21

Can I just say as well that I've had diagnosis of burn-out, anxiety and depression since last June so I'm not making this up, nor has it been sprung on anyone out of the blue.

DameFanny Sat 11-May-13 12:22:28

Can you take ds out for the afternoon? Go to a movie if dd's is old enough? Get some fresh air?

DameFanny Sat 11-May-13 12:22:48

Sorry, ds that should have been

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 12:26:53

We believe you.
I have had a brief look at your posts before this thread, as I think I may have been on a thread with you in the past.
You actually seem to be a very strong woman indeed, though you may not feel like it right at this minute.
How long is your mum supposed to be staying for?
Is she supposed to be flying back to the UK with you?
And what about your DH. Is he flying back too?

Sorry for all the questions.
Just ignore any of them if you want to.
I appreciate you are under an enormous strain.

We could all just post silly posts till monday if that is what would help you best. smile

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 12:30:44

DS is happy with M. I don't know what to do with him so I don't think.I should take him. He is only 2 so it would be the park and I'm scared of seeing aquaintences in case I act funny.

Viviennemary Sat 11-May-13 12:37:39

I'm not an expert but your illness seems a lot worse because of the lonely life you are leading with your husband being away and no support network of other mums to share problems with.

And I agree with the person who says you will have a lot more chance of happiness and getting better if you are away from these people who are not helping in any way. I think even a person who didn't have depression would be miserable if they were cut off from friends and some sort of support network.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 13:27:41

Thanks Breeze, I don't like being like this and I always try to sort stuff out for myself. I have never posted something like this before because I can usually hold on. I don't think I've ever been hiding in my own house like this. Vivienne you are correct, without any time for myself or people I can have a laugh with, life is just reduced to housework and problems. It's exhausting. I've got this far with wine or tablets but I'm tired of it. I want to be me, I don't want to spend life sedated in order to cope with it. If I'd popped a tablet before the big crying incident visit it would have stayed normal. Feeling like shit but under control... Now I've behaved unacceptabley its all a big mess but I also see that how I'm living is not sustainable, at some point it all breaks down. I'm rambling. Thanks Fanny and Stoic. And I've got some clothes on but I'm still hiding.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 13:41:02

It's mother's day here tomorrow, I'm going to have to go and get some cards. That's doable, I think. The play visit to a neighbours house tomorrow afternoon might not be.

DuchessFanny Sat 11-May-13 13:47:35

Your M sounds exhausting, chip, chip, chipping away -- when is she leaving ? Can it be sooner ?
Fwiw we all believe you, and you have the might of MN to help you through whatever you need xx wish I was a bit closer, I love a natter, coffee, mooch to the park/ shops .. It can be really hard to get out when you feel awful, but you're dressed, so half way there ! Leave M, take your boy and get away from the house for a bit x

cjel Sat 11-May-13 17:33:08

I think that you have been ground down trying to hide yourself to become acceptable to these people who are supposed to care for you, and by the way crying is not behaving badly - they are behaving badly crying is normal . I had 30 years of this and left 18months ago. I have had no depression panic attacks or anxiety since I left. I rented then sold then bought, moved 3 times in a year and renovated the house I bought. Once I got away I was free to really quickly be me again. I was having counselling when I left and did continue it but haven't seen a doctor or taken meds in that whole time. I would urge you to start to make plans to be who you want. Maybe come back to the uk and try WA when you are here and good therapist. What you are feeling is perfectly normal for the way you are treated, you must be lovely to put yourself through this just so others can live how they want.xxx

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 17:48:50

Thanks everyone, I don't know what to say right now. I know it isn't right. I'm not sure I can claim abuse though. I had an abusive father and so I know 'real' abuse. Probably why my mum is so messed up. Normally I'm such a tough c*nt because of experience which is why I feel bothered that I can't handle this.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 17:50:51

Like, waa waa waa noone wants to be my bestest friend.... Seriously though, this is a wierd town - even other Germans say so.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 17:54:22

And I feel funny about what is the difference between an expat and a refugee (of which there are many here).

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 17:55:28

It's not a friendly place if you are not from the area.

cjel Sat 11-May-13 18:00:09

Just don't kid youself its not abuse, it is it probably doesn't seem so bad because he's not bad all the time, It doesn't matter what it is, if it is affecting you like this and they are adding to it - it is abuse.Start to look after Art.xx

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 18:02:58

What has happened about the lovely house that was built.
Was that house in a friedlier place?
Is it rented out or sold.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 18:05:27

Cjel, I know what you are saying because I know the nice / nasty cycles. My H just can't be fucked with me... Just self preservation. Honestly, I know -really, don't make me talk about how I know. My M is just hardwired for drama so again, not really bad, just stupid.

cjel Sat 11-May-13 18:11:55

No you're right I'm sorry now is not the time to put more shit on you - sorry.xxx

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 18:12:20

Was wondering if you could stay in it with your son, maybe until you fly back to the UK next week?
Maybe that is a silly suggestion that doesnt really solve anything. Or maybe it would help to give you a break?

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 18:13:07

Breeze, my house is rented out. It's so nice. But I'm not gonna brag how nice cos it nearly broke me to build it. My renters (the twats) have paid late 4 months successively so technically I can reposess. I'm really thinking to send them an eigenbedarf and move back. I could do that. I am as much the owner ad H so I could just do it.

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 18:14:40

Did you have friends or could you make friends there?

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 18:21:12

Breeze, I have great friends there. That's why I am so sad here. I still have top friends in the UK and that's why I'm feeling scared that I have no friends/ no network into friends here. Honestly, I am a friends making person - but I know when I'm beat.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 18:23:57

Cjel no problems lovely, Im dealing with apathy here not abuse. Apathy is shit but its not the same.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 18:24:55

I have reached out to old friends and they have been nice and understanding BTW.

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 18:29:03

I can tell you are a friends making person, from other posts. But what really stands out, efforrt wise, is that you started a playgroup in not your country. No one does that who is not friendly and a strong person. Most of us would run a mile at attempting to do that.

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 18:30:23

Why did your husband want to move to the area you are in now.
Did you get any say at all in the matter?
Does he care that you cannot make friends where you now are?

cjel Sat 11-May-13 18:37:35

neglect is a form of abuse No sorry no more.sad how have you managed this afternoon?

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 18:39:12

I dont think she wants or needs to hear that right now cjel.

cjel Sat 11-May-13 18:42:42

no i know it was bad I won't do it any more. Sorry OP I have been out of orderI don't know what happened to me, I think I wanted op to realise that it isn't he rbeing weak or behaving badly but sorry I shouldn't have done itxxx

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 18:46:19

smile from me.

cjel Sat 11-May-13 19:03:56

thankyou but I don't deserve it. I hope I haven't put you off Art?

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 20:07:19

Are you ok Art?

lill72 Sat 11-May-13 21:19:14

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I have suffered depression from relationship breakdowns in the past and I know how you can feel that there is no way out.

I think you need to do whatever you need to do. If you feel you need to go to A & E, then go immediately. You need to do what is best for you.

Can someone look after your DM?

I do really feel for you. I am sorry your H does not seem to understand, often when people have not suffered depression, they cannot understand how helpless you can feel.

What you are feeling is real. Do whatever you need to.

Hugs

ArtVandelay Sun 12-May-13 10:36:42

Hi, I'm still here. Don't feel like talking today as I'm really tired and don't want to confuse myself. I'm focussing on the Drs tomorrow. Thanks for all your kind words, I feel a bit stupid but you really kept me going yesterday x x

StoicButStressed Sun 12-May-13 11:32:08

(((hugs))) And it's not stupid and nor are you. Well done on getting through yesterdaysmile x

cjel Sun 12-May-13 12:14:23

Glad you are still lurking. Hope you get what you need from tomorrow. Give us a shout when yo feel like a chatxxx

DameFanny Sun 12-May-13 14:02:36

Glad you're still here - just to warn you I'll be checking in tomorrow to see how the doctor went - if you don't want to say just say so?

DuchessFanny Sun 12-May-13 18:29:23

Don't feel stupid ! Glad you've let us know how you are today, like DAME I'll check in tomorrow too ( us Fanny's are a caring bunch xx)

ArtVandelay Mon 13-May-13 08:08:16

I'm at the Drs and I have a list of symptoms so I don't get sidetracked.

Ilikethebreeze Mon 13-May-13 08:13:32

Good. Well done.

DameFanny Mon 13-May-13 09:14:54

Echo that smile

ArtVandelay Mon 13-May-13 12:29:33

Thanks Fannies and Breeze. The Psychiatrist was lovely, he was very approachable and spoke good English. He has prescribed Sertraline for the day and a tricyclic for sleeping but one that doesn't make you eat/put on weight. After a few weeks Mirtazipine last year, I looked like a hamster so I won't make that mistake again. We talked about inpatient treatment but it would cause so many problems that I'm going to do outpatient appointments with him and see how that goes. I've got a letter for my GP that says severe depression blah blah so refer me direct to psych in UK if needed. I feel a lot safer now. I didn't sleep on Saturday night so yesterday I was completely barmy - hence no posting. Last night I found some Phenergan so I did sleep so today I'm pretty level. After this morning, I also had to take DS to a kindergarten taster session, I'm having a lie down and i'll pick my tablets up at 3.

Incidentally, looking back, I think I was being pretty spiteful when spoken to earlier in the week. I am nasty sometimes when I feel attacked. H and my Mum are pretty useless but thinking about it, all my washing and ironings been done, DS was looked after, H did some DIY that needed doing etc. I am being strict with myself now though, if tired, go to bed. If anxious, don't go visiting people that don't make you feel good etc.

I think when you've been depressed for a year, then you've probably stopped listening to yourself because you are so used to just ignoring your own feelings and bashing on. At least I think that's what's happened to me. Then you get exhausted and can't get out of bed or have dramas with people and you can't work out what's going on.

A big hug and thanks to everyone who has helped me with this. I can't explain how your words helped when I was really low, but they were a real lifeline. I think i'll join a group thread in future - feels a bit wrong to have an own thread and ideally I would like to pay your kindness forward and be there for other MNers too. X x x x x from me.

cjel Mon 13-May-13 12:40:05

What a lovely post Art, SOOO glad that you can see how important it is for you to listen to yourself. also pleased you had a bit of practical help from m and h. Wonderful news that you found Dr a help, hopefully if you need help again you will go sooner,also have a plan if you need to get help in UK. You sound so much better I hope you do look after yourself. When are you coming over?

DuchessFanny Mon 13-May-13 12:55:22

Excellent ! Good idea to take a list of the symptoms, and so pleased you found a good doctor smile
So many people don't listen to themselves or try to ignore when they are depressed, so in some way you are an inspiration ( great idea to go onto a group thread)
I wish you all the best and please do look me up if it gets a bit much and you need an ear x

Ilikethebreeze Mon 13-May-13 13:10:48

Brilliant. Glad it all went so very well.
Dont worry about having your own thread though. Each person has a different situation imo.

DameFanny Mon 13-May-13 13:25:08

That does sound positive - well done you

cjel Wed 15-May-13 08:10:01

how are you?

ArtVandelay Wed 15-May-13 08:43:36

Hi Cjel and everyone here, im super tired due to starting the tablets. Im basically fine unless i try to do something stressful so cleaning guinea pigs is fine but paying stuff at the bank yesterday ended up with me telling my mum to leave me alone and I stormed off home. All over nothing really (blush). Well, faffing and fussing which drives me mad at the best of times. I'm flying today so hopefully I won't be so edgy and annoyed as airports are usually faff central. Hope you are all doing well x x

Ilikethebreeze Wed 15-May-13 09:09:46

Thank you for the update.
Hope your trip is hassle free.

cjel Wed 15-May-13 20:29:14

All well here thanks. Where are you have you flown? how was trip?

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