Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice.

I hate life

(58 Posts)
dontcallmehon Sat 04-May-13 23:27:22

My dh says I have no empathy and I'm not a nice person. I'm horrible to everyone. Left my ex employer's last year after having bad time with depression. I started tutoring (was a teacher). Got a phone call from teacher at my old school saying I'd questioned her marking. I tutor a girl in her class. I hadn't. She was horrible to me. Wrote a letter to the school asking that they don't ring me at home as I don't work there anymore. Got nasty letter back. Feel like no one wants me here any more. I seem to make people hate me without meaning to.

dogsandcats Sat 04-May-13 23:34:59

Do you think you have empathy?
Do you think you are a nice person?
It is difficult for me to have an idea based on your one post.
Was your DH and you having a row when he said it?

dontcallmehon Sat 04-May-13 23:38:22

No I'm not nice. I don't do anything nasty.i just don't like small talk much or big groups of people. I'm just me.

dontcallmehon Sat 04-May-13 23:40:57

I think my ex employer was very wrong to ring me at home too and accuse me of being a liar. It is stopping me sleeping. I'm not the most empathic person but I do care about those I'm close to.

dogsandcats Sat 04-May-13 23:46:15

What is your dh like?
I think there are plenty of people who dont like making small talk, or find big groups difficult, but that does not automatically make them not nice imo.
What are you like with people one to one?

Are you very judgemental of lots of people? That can put people off other people.

I am wondering whether you are a bit down right now, and small things are adding up and becoming overwhelming for you.

The incident about the school doesnt sound nice at all. And it would be quite easy to get quite upset about that.
Did your DH approve and support you in what you did about the school?

dogsandcats Sat 04-May-13 23:49:08

Bit of a cross post.
Yes, I think the school incident has rattled you. And maybe your DH has not been very helpful or supportive?

Can you describe a bit more what happened with your ex school, as I am finding it a bit hard to follow that bit.

dontcallmehon Sat 04-May-13 23:50:17

Yes he did. He gets irritated with me though. I can be judgemental and a bit righteous at times, but I'm pretty quiet if I don't know someone well. He said sorry, but I'm ignoring him. Incident with school has triggered it I think. Can't cope with it. I left as it was unhealthy atmosphere but feel like I can't escape and they can still harass me sad

dontcallmehon Sat 04-May-13 23:55:21

I tutor a girl from the school I used to teach at. She asked me for my opinion on an essay she'd written and I gave her some advice verbally. She handed it in to school and her teacher gave it a top grade, higher than I had suggested. I didn't undermine the teacher, as I didn't know it was a school essay and it hadn't been marked. The girl's mum rang school. She said that she wasn't happy with this teacher and mentioned that I had given this essay a different mark.

Ex colleague phones me at home to basically tell me I've undermined her and to shout at me. She wouldn't listen to me at all sad

dontcallmehon Sat 04-May-13 23:56:27

I complained to head, asking for them not to ring me again and got a horrible letter back, suggesting I was a liar.

dogsandcats Sat 04-May-13 23:58:38

I think there are 2 issues here.
Your husband has said sorry. In my book, if someone says sorry, I forgive them and move on.
Hopefully you can do that too. We all make mistakes and need forgiveness from time to time.

dontcallmehon Sat 04-May-13 23:59:40

I am good with people one on one. If I like them and am comfortable.

dontcallmehon Sun 05-May-13 00:01:15

He's gone to bed now.

dogsandcats Sun 05-May-13 00:06:52

The school incident is very unfortunate.
I was going to say that it was unfortunate that the girl you were/are tutoring is from your old school, but I guess that is to be expected as regards tutoring.

I think you were unlucky that the girls mum rang school.
And unlucky that the teacher happened to be an ex colleague who got so cross.

I think you have to put it down to being just one of those things. I think we all have incidences in life, where things go a bit awry. Not really through any fault of our own. Or perhaps we may have partly contributed, but ended up in a situation going quite badly askew.

They are horrible I know.

I think, ultimately in this case, that you need to see it that your ex colleague is being unreasonable, not you.

dontcallmehon Sun 05-May-13 00:12:18

I think you're right. But she would write my reference if I needed one and my dc are meant to go to that school. I'll be ok. I'm working so hard too, I really want to succeed but it's a struggle.

Dh is lonely as I work weekends and evenings. I'm tired but can't sleep. Can't stand thought of people hating me. Can imagine them all talking about me.

dontcallmehon Sun 05-May-13 00:12:43

Thanks for your help too smile

dogsandcats Sun 05-May-13 00:20:12

hmm. How soon might you need a reference?
I am inclined in life to try and cross a bridge when I come to it.
I would try and see it as, you only have a problem when you have a problem iyswim.

I dont know how big the school is. Or when your dc might go there. Again, that is not a problem for right now.

Glad I have been able to be of some help.

As for your last paragraph. Cuddle husband when he wakes. Just lie in bed resting if that is all you can do. Rest is still good. I dont think anyone likes people hating them. But sometimes it really is the other person that is the problem, and a lot of peole should be able to see that. Dont know if they would all be talking about it. I doubt it. But if they did,you did not do anything wrong.

dontcallmehon Sun 05-May-13 00:23:51

I'm self employed and planning to open a tutoring centre. So hopefully I will never need a reference. It's 5 years till dd1 will go to high school. I just don't like thinking that almost ten years of a career can be wiped out like that.

dontcallmehon Sun 05-May-13 00:26:49

Thanks, I feel better knowing that it doesn't sound as if I've done something so terrible. I know I'm right, but I can't help questioning myself. It helps to talk on here as dh is fed up, as I keep going round in circles.

dogsandcats Sun 05-May-13 00:28:21

Sorry. I dont understand your last sentence. How will ten years of a career be wiped out?[apologies, it is late, so I am struggling to understand that point].

dogsandcats Sun 05-May-13 00:29:34

Glad you know you are right. We are making progress!

dontcallmehon Sun 05-May-13 00:30:16

They won't really. More that I feel that all the good I did in ten years will be forgotten because of a misunderstanding.

dogsandcats Sun 05-May-13 00:34:58

No. One misunderstanding cannot wipe out 10 years.

I need to go to bed now. If I think of anything else, I will post again in the morning.
I hope you will be able to sleep or rest a little better now.
Good night.

dontcallmehon Sun 05-May-13 00:36:40

Goodnight. smile

dogsandcats Sun 05-May-13 07:39:42

Good morning.
I hope you had some rest or sleep.
And I hope you feel a little better about all this this morning.

dontcallmehon Sun 05-May-13 21:21:51

I did. I was working today from 9 till 9, so just got back. I'm just angry because I feel that an injustice has been done and I can't do anything about it. I'm sure you're not allowed to ring ex-employees at home like this either.

Ilikethebreeze Sun 05-May-13 21:30:43

My guess is that they shouldnt have done that. Dont know. I suppose they can ring up anyone they like?
So even if you were a tutor who had never worked at the school, they could still have rung you?

Are you part of any tutor organisation or club or something. So you could ring them for expert advice?

dontcallmehon Sun 05-May-13 21:36:53

My personal number is not advertised anywhere. So they had it because I was an ex employee. I don't use it for tutoring.

Ilikethebreeze Sun 05-May-13 21:44:57

Its more oh heck isnt it.

I dont personally know what happens in that circumstance.
You could perhaps post on the "working matters" topic on here to see what people say about employers still having and being able to use ex employees personal phone numbers. So that that part at least shouldnt happen again?

dontcallmehon Sun 05-May-13 21:54:06

It won't happen again now. I've told them I won't tutor anyone from their school again. I just feel stressed by it all. Plus I'm working such long hours. I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to succeed at the moment.

Ilikethebreeze Sun 05-May-13 21:58:03

Will you have enough work if you dont tutor anyone from that school?
Sounds like you will?

dontcallmehon Sun 05-May-13 22:06:08

Yes I have plenty of work (too much!) and don't get much from that school really. I just think they'll twist anything I say and I'll be on my guard all the time.

Ilikethebreeze Sun 05-May-13 22:14:04

May be time to try and drop it all then?
Do you think you can do that?

I think we all have some unfortunate incidents occasionally, that need to be written off in a way?
They are the sort of things that are one offs?

dontcallmehon Sun 05-May-13 22:17:28

I will try. I'm just worried it will affect me somewhere down the line. And I want them to know I'm telling the truth sad dd1 is in year 2 at the feeder primary, but I'm hoping we can move house before then and she'll go to a different school.

dontcallmehon Mon 06-May-13 22:57:50

Struggling today.

MissBlennerhassett Mon 06-May-13 23:19:41

Hi dontcallmehon. Struggling how? How do you feel? I'm here for a bit if you need me.

dontcallmehon Mon 06-May-13 23:29:53

I can't sleep. Too many thoughts.

MissBlennerhassett Mon 06-May-13 23:45:43


You said you suffered with depression in the past. Is this, perhaps, still a problem?

From your posts I can see that you are currently experiencing professional problems but you also appear to feel personally very isolated.

And from your thread title it would appear that you feel worse than merely professionally upset. Do you really feel that way? Please keep talking.

dontcallmehon Tue 07-May-13 01:03:37

I fell asleep but woke up again. I'm ok I think. I was ok until the phone call. I value my privacy a lot and so it really unsettled me. I want to succeed in life and I'm worrying a lot.

MissBlennerhassett Tue 07-May-13 01:23:47

It sounds to me like you've made a really healthy decision to strike out on your own. Your previous job clearly wasn't right for you, this way you have more freedom and less intrusion.

It will help you to try to put this incident behind you. In the scheme of things it's so small and doesn't need to be part of your present. I know it isn't easy to shake off negative comments and personal attacks but you will feel better if you can focus on the positive moves you have made.

Balls to you not being 'nice'. You don't have to conform to some ideal that someone else has set out. You are you and it would make you feel a whole lot better if you could convince yourself that that is ok.

I hope that you can see past this incident as it really doesn't need to be so big. Of course no-one likes difficult, rude phone calls, but if you don't think you did anything wrong please try to detach from it and move on.

Hopefully you've gone back to sleep now. This is not worth losing precious sleep over smile

dontcallmehon Tue 07-May-13 01:32:09

Thanks, that makes a lot of sense. It was a good decision. I was becoming very ill and stressed. I think the phone call triggered some old feelings and I felt thati couldn't escape.

MissBlennerhassett Tue 07-May-13 09:11:42

Morning, just checking to see how you're feeling. Yes, sounds like the phone call raked up some difficult memories.

Hopefully you can put this behind you. The middle of the night is a bloody awful time to be mulling over something hurtful.

I wish you good times and much happier and healthier experiences flowers

dontcallmehon Tue 07-May-13 09:54:02

Morning. I'm ok this morning. Tired but hopefully I'll get a better sleep tonight.

dontcallmehon Wed 08-May-13 13:59:33

I keep imagining not being here anymore. I'm not serious, just keep feeling like life is so difficult I think. I know my family need me. I feel like if being self employed doesn't work then I'll never get a job ever again, because this incident will be used against me. I feel like I went to university for nothing. I noticed this teacher never signed my leaving card when I left. I feel like all the people I worked with, who I thought like me all hate me and are talking about me sad

dontcallmehon Wed 08-May-13 14:00:41

I keep visualising parents' evening when dd1 goes there and how awful it will be as they all hate me sad

MissBlennerhassett Wed 08-May-13 14:54:15

Oh dontcallmehon I'm sorry to see this has escalated into such a huge problem for you.

Do you have someone you can talk this over with in RL? Without wishing to minimize the actual situation you describe, I honestly think you sound depressed. Would you consider seeing you GP? Have you had counselling before, if so, did it help?

As I don't really know your circumstances I can't tell whether the issue can affect you professionally as you think it may. But I think you need some help to gain some perspective. I wish I could be more help, you sound so down. I'm sending you a bloody big hug and my shoulder to lean on.

dontcallmehon Wed 08-May-13 15:04:50

Last time I got treated for depression I was at that school. So they should know that it was not a good idea to hassle me at home. I need to drive a lot and the anti Ds made me sleepy and although I didn't feel depressed I felt drugged up. I think it is circumstances making me feel this way - I feel a bit trapped by everything.
I'm doing school run and working now, but I'll be back later on. Thanks for the message, it does help to know someone is thinking about me.

MissBlennerhassett Wed 08-May-13 15:26:11

A couple of things. You didn't go to university for nothing. Sod your last job, that is a blip, it won't end your career.

You feel bad because a very hurtful and difficult period had been dredged up out of the blue. I absolutely know how that feels. Frankly I could pull out some truly disastrous things from my working life, also some bastard people it makes me feel a bit sick to think about. Thankfully I rarely give them a second thought now because I won't give them that power anymore.

Also, you are worrying about a parent's evening far in the future. Who knows what will happen between now and then? It's the anxiety you are feeling that's making you worry so much about that. It isn't necessary. You can't control it so you need to find some positive strategies. Worrying about negative things, like career failure, isn't helping you. From what you've said it doesn't sound likely?? Banish the 'what ifs??' You don't need them!

I do know what you mean about ADs. So how about just counselling, no chemicals? I can't tell you how much better I feel these days. My counsellor drops round for coffee or lunch now and then and we just chat like anyone else. It isn't a miracle cure but it certainly can help to change the way you think, which is such a relief.

Take care x

OliQKair Wed 08-May-13 15:47:10

Something occurs to me about your posts.

I've been accused of many of these things too, especially not having empathy and making people hate me without intention my whole life, and the dislike of crowds and small talk. Which you say is just the way you are. And yet, if you lacked empathy like they say then you wouldn't care so deeply about it.

Tell me, this dislike of small talk and crowds, do you think it stems from a difficulty in engaging with others and an expectation of rejection as a result of this difficulty? As for the lack of empathy, do you think it's that you don't feel for others or do you just not express yourself the same as others?

What I think I'm saying is that none of this says you are not a nice person at all, or lacking in empathy.

OliQKair Wed 08-May-13 15:51:43

Tell me also, this lack of empathy you've been accused of. If someone were to ask you to tell them how you felt about something, how easy would it be? Not when typing it down, but if they asked you in person?

dontcallmehon Wed 08-May-13 16:03:35

I think counselling would help Miss B, though my doctors don't seem to see it as an option. I see that I lack perspective, I just feel a bit detached from things.

I would be able to talk about my feelings to someone very close, otherwise I wouldn't. Even then I like to keep things private really. So to someone else I might look like a robot.

I think I do have empathy, but I internalize it. I'm v upset by horrible news stories etc.

dontcallmehon Wed 08-May-13 16:05:07

Yes, I do struggle with small talk and crowds. It is easier not to engage. I've been told I come across as aloof or arrogant in the past.

OliQKair Wed 08-May-13 16:23:13

Wow, I could have written those two posts about myself exactly.

No, I very much doubt that you are a horrid person because you have no intention of hurting anyone.

I've had these same problems for many years, I could get accused of arogance and I was actually listening to what someone else said, told them they were right and did it. And I'm absolutely puzzled by it. My boss is forever pulling me up on it, among other things.

I think I might be able to explain this. If you believe these things are causing you distress in life, I'd suggest you look up symptoms of high functioning adult ASD (you may find similarities in childhood and teenage years as well). I may be wrong, of course, but it does sound a lot like it to me. So maybe you could speak to your GP about it? Or possibly your partner?

It can often be less evident, but just as much an issue, for people like yourself who are obviously of above average intelligence because you'll often learn to hide it and compensate for it so that others don't really notice, as such. But the problem is still their, it's just hidden well.

dontcallmehon Wed 08-May-13 21:20:22

Yes I'll do that. I've always been a bit odd, but I don't see myself as odd if that makes sense. I just always thought I was very very introverted, but not shy. So that confuses people.

I don't like hugs from people unless they live in my house, or to be particularly affectionate, or to talk about my feelings (but I am actually quite sensitive). I see small talk as a bit false sometimes, especially if I think the other person doesn't genuinely want to talk to me.

When I was younger I tried to hide all this with alcohol so I could talk to people, but then they wondered why I ignored them the next day. I think it does come from a fear of rejection, so then when I do get rejected it is incredibly painful. I feel a bit isolated sometimes. This is a bit self indulgent, sorry.

dontcallmehon Thu 09-May-13 15:01:39

Today I had to look away from the newspaper the lady in front of me was buying at the checkout, as the headline brought me to tears. Not sure if this is normal.

OliQKair Thu 09-May-13 15:55:49

I suppose that depends on what the headline was. And even then it depends on how personal it was too you.

I wouldn't really know, as it is all but impossible to make me actually cry. On other hand, I've had some of those headlines stuck in my head for hours or even days and have (on a rare occasion) lay awake thinking about them, if they are quite horrid. I think it's knowing that it actually happened to someone and not being able to fully detach like others seem to.

dontcallmehon Thu 09-May-13 16:12:54

It was about a little boy who died from an asthma attack. He had glasses like my little boy.

OliQKair Thu 09-May-13 16:28:20

Well, I don't know about anyone else. But I can understand that reaction, and I don't think there's anything wrong with it if that's what you mean. (BTW - being affected by someone else's pain is empathy).

Also, your post last night - Yes, perfect sense. Most people don't understand that introverted doesn't necessarily mean shy, and neither do they understand that you don't have to tell them how you're feeling to be sensitive (but I guess I can see how they find it hard to understand something they can't see).

As for small talk, am I the only one who is baffled as to why a random stranger starts asking you about the whether? It's like, "you can see the sun is out. Why are you asking me?" Obviously I just kind of smile and nod and say, "yeah, it's a lovely day."

Anyway, don't worry about thinking this thread is self indulgent (again, I was thinking the same thing about my own thread). As a matter of fact I've found this thread oddly comforting to know I'm not the only one.

dontcallmehon Mon 13-May-13 14:35:57

I'm feeling this tension in the pit of my stomach. It's horrible. Keep replaying all my mistakes in a loop in my head. I keep hearing the teacher's voice. It's horrible. I just want to get as far away from here as possible.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now