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that light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train....stay on track!

(971 Posts)
ThatVikRinA22 Thu 02-May-13 23:31:36

thought we had better have a new one - old one nearly full. Think this is our 4th thread now....

linky to old one here

so, here we go....title a little more optimistic than i feel but im sure i will get back on track soon.....not doing bad particularly, just feeling a bit consumed with things....work is so intense. id forgotten.

anyway....nuff of me. over to you guys....
hope everyone manages to find us to say "hi"....welcome old and new.

Smart. I like the oncoming train coming to get you vs hopeful daylight at the end of the tunnel. And how we can see each on consecutive days!

Thanks vicar x

SirBoobAlot Thu 02-May-13 23:34:12

<nudges Vicar>

Hope you're okay, chuck. x

Marking place

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 02-May-13 23:55:45

Hi all, did F All today, but relaxed into it. Lovely day, should be gardening, but am not stressing (much!) that I mostly flopped - naps, MN and telly. Had 2 consecutive productive days before that, so not totally undeserved.

Oh and I finally had another bath! Had to do my bath-running strategy though, to get myself to do it. Needed one cos needed to try on new swimsuit from Asda, in case I had to return it. Had been attempting to find state where wanted to have bath for 3 whole days before today, as wanted to go to Asda! but coulldn't till had tried on clothes bought last time I was there.

Not v good at juggling life!

Miggsie Fri 03-May-13 09:26:49

Hello there, I'm new to this thread series but have been feeling terrible for several weeks now - I'm going between wanting to burst into tears and terrible rage - I have no idea what is wrong with me.
I tried to book an appointment at the doctors today to be told htey were full - they nearly always are, I nearly burst into tears over that one too.

I feel like I've been taken over by a crazy depressed mad person - anyone else felt like this? There has beeen no specific event to trigger it, I have no idea what has happened to me.

Hi miggsie

It is sooo difficult when you can't see the triggers because then you can't make any sense of it so you get more depressed, anxious, etc. And you understand less.

Take 1 day at a time. 1 task at a time and hang on in there.

Me. Well I got up. Got dressed level 3 smile
Been to therapist. Been told I set myself challenges that are too big. Then fail. Then beat myself up. Then withdraw and small tasks don't get done. So my challenges become bigger so I fail more...makes sense.

My challenge for today...to finish 2 lots of crochet. I've been told to go and sit in the sun to do it. So I came home. My upper half of body is dressed to level 3. My lower half level 1. I am in bed because I've been sat on a hard chair and my bottom hurts. But I've opened my curtains so I can see the sun smile

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 03-May-13 11:03:57

migsie sorry to hear you are feeling bad. did you actually make an appointment? even though not for today. This is urgent really, so do that if you haven't done so already.

Ed I so recognise that pattern confused

LEMisdisappointed Fri 03-May-13 13:39:23

Oh Vicar - i did laugh at the thread title, in fact, i actually LOL'd! You weren't to know, but trains are my nemesis at the moment as it is my fear that I will throw myself in front of one shock But the thread title made me laugh and laugh so thanks, i think it was the irony!

Miggsie - most of us on this thread will have felt like you do, its usually down to anxiety. Can you tell us why you are feeling like this, what it is that is bothering you? Do push for that appointment though - you don't have to do this on your own.

I'm not doing well sad I need to get a job, even a part time job would do but I am struggling with simple tasks in the home, my anxiety level is that high. I texted the MH woman but she hasn't got back to me. I didn't feel like talking, i dont want to make a phone call. and now its the weekend, but DP is home so thats something. Im just crap when im on my own - was short with DD again this morning - i hate this.

LEMisdisappointed Fri 03-May-13 13:44:41

I just did the GAD-7 thing that you did Ed 19/21 with further action recommended for a score over 10. I really think i'm heading for a breakdown here and i am running out of places to ask for help. I am frightened. I don't feel like me

Ok LEM

You have recognised that you need help. First step accomplished.

I think the highest I scored on that one was 18. I'm still here smile

I scored 7 last time and therapist was happy with that in fact she was positively jumping. 7 isn't far of 10 so I think the cut off points are semi arbitrary. Further action also indicates you need to consider treatment. Iirc you are on fluoxetine so you are recieving treatment.

I scored 11 this morning. Imo it is more useful for looking at progress and regression over time than a snapshot as interpretation of the questions can vary depending on frame of mind.

Having said all that huge hugs are flying your way.

SnowyMouse Fri 03-May-13 14:02:37

As of today I am off my section 3 grin I'm thinking about getting some celebratory food from the co-op, or if I'm feeling really motivated going to nando's alone this afternoon.

LEMisdisappointed Fri 03-May-13 15:03:09

Snowy - nandos sounds fab grin I don't nkow what section 3 is but im pleased to hear you are off it because it is a cause for celebration. I love their spicy rice in nandos. Sorry i can't enthuse more as my DP just bought me a McD home - which i have scoffed and now feel a bit hmm because i have chicken legs to cook for dinner tonight and dont fancy them much. Hey ho, imsure i'll squeeze them in!

So, feeling better for DP's flying visit but still very shakey. He has voiced concerns about the medication and someone else has suggested i change meds. The only thing is i don't think i'll be able to persuade my GP as i have only been on these for two months, i feel i need to give them some more time - I texted the the MHwoman, she texted and said to ring the counselling team - i just got fobbed off though as they have a big waiting list and they are behind sad I feel that i really NEED to talk to someone to get my head in a more positive place, i know wht i need to do but i can't do it on my own. Was really bad this week, but its the long weekend now so i know i will be OK as i will DP and DD to keep me safe. Its when they go back to work and school, i feel like Lucy Jordan sad DP said he will come to the doctors with me next week, so i'll make an appointment on monday - this has got to stop.

Hugs to everyone - at least the sun is out, i am going to take my DD for an ice cream after school (because she is lovely)

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 03-May-13 15:46:13

Lem I know it is only thoughts, but going under a train is not fair on the train driver - they often have a breakdown and have to give up work sad - but maybe knowing that may help get rid of your thoughts? Ask for help, and please don't think a job is a cureall, though some vol work might help.

Snowy that is great news you are off your section. Luckily I have Thornton's choc cake (on offer in Morrisons) so will celebrate with a slice or two

SnowyMouse Fri 03-May-13 16:17:20

It meant that I was just on leave from hospital and they could have told me to come back at any time. Now they can't smile

Enjoy the ice cream LEM Enjoy the cake silvery

When I got to nando's I cashed in my loyalty card and got 1/2 a chicken free, nice.

bassetfeet Fri 03-May-13 16:32:29

Hi LeM am I right that you are on 20 mg Citalpram daily? Just looked back on thread . The highest dose recommended now is 40mg I think re guidelines.
So after 2 months on 20mg I would think that either your GP may advise an increase or you need to change medication . Cross taper with guidance. Meds often have to be tweeked or changed I have been told [but I am no expert ]. Ones used seem to be Venlafaxine ,Sertraline Mirtazapine . Nowt to lose by asking . Thinking of you it is awful feeling like this x
Am sure others here will know more though .
I cannot tolerate SSRis so am on the older tricyclics like Nana.
So pleased you have a lovely DP and enjoy that ice cream with your daughter smile

Snowy wonderful news re being off your section grin. Yay to getting some nice food where you feel comfortable with . Can you maybe do a little internet shop for something to wear or hobby wise ? You deserve a treat and it always good to get something from the postman that doesnt include junk or bills . I went click happy yesterday which I will regret re clothes .
But got some scarf knitting kits on ebay cheaply which are nice and easy /make good gifts for those that like that sort of thing . Hope you get some nice things to eat and drink .x

ED thank goodness you are back . Agree with your therapist and we all need to take heed of her words . Are the girls with you this weekend?

Vicar grand title smile........indeed there is light . The brain fog and distress obscures it sometimes but it does peek out now and then and we all move forward another step .
Hope your son is feeling better and recovering . So pleased you have been out riding and with your beloved horses . Watched the race horses on the gallops again today and on the carousel at the farm nearby . The jockeys stuff their pockets with hay and grass to gently encourage the young ones on the carousel. Sweet. It is nearly foal time and my heart will be lost . Keep the bigger picture in your heart VICAR when at work and downcast. You will find your way through this . x

Nina Everytime you post is lovely. Reminds me of a programme with Maureen Lipman called "Ladies of Letters" . Only now it is on Mumsnet .
You seem so much better . I know you have some awful days but the horror seems to be diluted a little now? Motivation is my problem also . Cant get started on anything remotely work orientated house or garden .
I dont have lots of details re posters in my lovely Indian crafted notebook [which I adore and look at a lot] other than basics . Most notes are how to turn the damn telly on and instructions re fusebox confused. I do recommend one though Nana for writing in all your thoughts /stuff we cant recall /addresses and those pesky passwords for all online . It has to be a nice one though with good pen wink.

Hope you have a calm and content weekend and hug x

Love to CIQ ,SPC and Catmint ....Helles if she is reading x

Hello to Miggsie so nice to meet you smile . I think we all understand the mood swings and distress here . Your first move is the right one and see your doctor as soon as possible for meds /therapy .
You will feel a shift off your shoulders once that hurdle is over . Stay with us and post x

In another random world I would so love to have you all here chez moi for coffee/tea /wine and some food . Bank holidays are so lonely sometimes . The house is a tip but I in my dreams know you would all tip up with nice things to eat and ignore the mess . We could You Tube our favourite songs and Vicars rats could come too . Keep em in the bathroom for those not keen .

take care all and enjoy the sun lovely ladies while it lasts .

SnowyMouse Fri 03-May-13 17:10:49

blush The psych ha d a few well-chosen words on how someone's living conditions tend to reflect what's happening in their mind, so I'm trying to start tidying/decluttering. She is probably right about the latter.

I had chicken, chips, peas at Nandos, so that was nice.

Virtual party sounds a good plan smile

bassetfeet Fri 03-May-13 19:06:26

Nice meal Snowy . Agree with your psych re clutter and our living conditions . Messy mind ,messy house . We try dont we ?
A virtual party sounds so nice . I would love that .

LEMisdisappointed Fri 03-May-13 20:55:33

No ice cream for me - i don't like it grin But i have had a lovely evening - fluctuating, much?? Spent some time with school mums so that the kids could play together and have ice cream. I then ended up walking along the beach with DD and going to have a beer outside the pub on the beach - met DP, skimmed some stones and then came home and had a bath - almost perfect really. That GOD its the weekend.

Will see how i go over the weekend and then make appointment to discuss with GP. I think i will make a point of telling her i am very up and down. I think she is half expecting to see me back there as the easter holidays i was mostly ok.

Chicken sounds lovely Snowy

Silvery - the reason the train thing is an issue for me is that in the past few years there have been several suicides on the railway crossing near where i live. I knew two of the people - not well, but to say hello and pass the time with, it has played on my mind an awful lot and when im very down its an image that replays. My dad, who was lovely, used to work on the railway and used to have to attend these scenes - just awful. My old neighbour was a train driver - i bumped into him one day, funilly enough on the train and he was on his way back from a counselling session - he had run someone over, a suicide sad I hope he managed to move on from it. The irony being that, probably due to my dad working on the railway and the memories train travel is one of the only forms of transport i really feel comfortable with. I am ok in DPs car, but get really nervous if anyone else driving - and as for flying,ahahaahahaha!! So whilst theres scary thoughts surrounding trains, also comforting ones.

How is the crochet going Ed? Can't wait to see the pictures.

NanaNina Fri 03-May-13 21:14:02

Hello to everyone and well done Vicar for finding a nice title. Didn't realise it was Thread No. 4!
Your post made me smile SPC and thank you so much for the PM. I will need to go back and re-read as you have provided such a lot of helpful info. Thank you for your kind words too.

Hi Miggsie and welcome. We are all struggling (or recovering) or having ups and downs, with our mental health. Can you come back and tell us a bit more about yourself, so you have any RL support, and do you have small children.

Most of us really do know the torment of mental illness, the most common one is anxiety and depression, but there are others too. You really do need to see a GP and tell him/her what your symptoms are - can you write them down in bullet points and hand it over, or use it as an aide memoir in case you forget things once in the surgery. It doesn't matter if you burst into tears.

Don't know whether you know that mental illness is very common, and 1 in 4 people will suffer at some time in their life. If this is your first experience of it, that will make it all the more terrifying. Unfortunately you won't get the surgery again till next Tuesday because of the bank holiday, but on Tuesday you must phone for an appt and tell them it's urgent. I know when we are feeling so awful it's hard to be assertive, but you (or someone close to you) needs to insist that you are seen. You won't be telling the GP anything he/she hasn't heard dozens (possibly hundreds of times) before. Can you come back and tell us a bit more. We will understand - honest.

Lem sorry you are still struggling and as someone else mentioned, maybe you need the citalopram dose increased to 30 or 40mg. It's difficult to just get the right balance and it is to a large extent, trial and error which makes it all the more difficult. I think if you aren't getting any better, you should ask for a referral to a physiciatrist as they are more knowledgeable about treatments. Who is the MH woman that you mention?

Ed maybe you need to explain the levels to newcomers. Just on the subject of dress, I had a new psychiatrist come to see me last month (had a pretty ghastly Jan and Feb) and got in touch with my CPN and she referred me to this psych. He was very nice (unlike the other one- who was intimidating) My CPN gave me a copy of his letter to her about me and the para that sticks in my mind is "Mrs N was dressed in casual clothes and was a reasonably kempt elderly lady!!" It was the reasonably that got me, and although I am 69 I don't think of myself as elderly, but as far as the NHS is concerned you are elderly if you are over 65. He's coming again early in June to review my progress, so I will try to be aim for "well kempt"......
Basset the feeling is mutual - I remember the Lady of Letters and it was serialised on Radio 4 and I loved it. I think Patricia Routledge was one of the "ladies" in the communication - I remember "Dear Irene....." but then my memory fades..........I sometime have fantasies about us all meeting up, but it's scary isn't it...nice thought though.

Snowymouse so glad you are off the section and were able to celebrate at Nandos.
Sorry if I've missed anyone

Hi all, am sitting in a queue to exit theatre car park, just seen midnight tango with strictly people. It was lovely.

lem sorry to hear things are so up and down. Def sounds like a trip to the doc is in order with that score. The end of yr day sounded really nice.

Im on phone so can't reply properly but just wanted to say everyone's advice and support has been fab today. Happy Friday night to all you lively ladies. Fluctuating? Me? I'm making the most of it wink
Xxxx

Lively - maybe but meant to say lovely grin

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 03-May-13 22:02:01

evening everyone.

welcome to miigsie - do make that appointment - its the first step to feeling better. Just make it for the next appointment you can get - at least then you know you are doing something to feel better in the long term.

Ive had a blitz of the house today. i look a wreck, but dont really care. I managed to tidy the entire house, walk the dog, hang out washing and then play with the ratty girls, had a bath, am ready for bed. having a couple of glasses of wine, but will get to bed soon. might have another cuddle of the jewel girlies first.

Well done snowy - great news re the section. You do sound much better.

lem - there is light at the end of the tunnel - but you dont have to stand on the tracks to see it. I hope you are ok.

I need to put my request in for part time working tomorrow....i really dont want to go to work at all sad but ill be fine once im there. And its only until 2pm.

basset thank you again - and i did really enjoy my day at the stables. i forgot how much id missed it and the poor RI thought id gone elsewhere. I will try to remember to take pics next week - it was such a gorgeous day too and being out in the sun was a tonic. RI is on the look out for a horse for me - she is desperately in need of a horse to use in the school for adults so i think i will have my own by the end of the year. That would do me the world of good - and give me a reason to keep working.

right, going to give my ratty girls a cuddle (if i can keep the dog off them - she gets so jealous)

hugs to everyone, and will be back tomorrow.

Hi all.

Glad you have had a more positive evening lem.

Glad you have had a good day at the stables vicar

Glad you are off your section 3 snowy. Ive never been to nandos but I love their sauce on a kebab grin

What else can I be glad for grin?

So today.

I got up early with dtds for birthday
I was level 3 to take dd3 to breakfast club (I'm normally 1.5) I will copy and paste the levels from the last thread in a mo
I wrote my therapy diary
I went to therapy.
I came home. Opened my curtains and crochet in bed. I haven't quite finished them but hope I will tomorrow and then picks will be up. Really pleased with the both but gutted they weren't finished in time for birthday.
Had afternoon nap (slept badly last night)
Walked to school to collect dd3
Planned food for whole long weekend and been to tesco so don't have to go out again.
Mcdonnalds for tea
Washing in machine
Spoke to my mum for 40mins. I was really anxious about this. It is a year tomorrow since the love of her life passed away and I don't know how to deal with that.
Played board games with dcs
And now I am going to bed.

Very disappointed with myself over failing to finish crochet but pleased with my other acheivements. House is a tip so need to address that over weekend.

Night all. We most definitely must get together for a virtual party smile

Oh and I have 1 mouse less in my garage...found one dead in the bin. Suspect it was scavaging for food and then couldn't get out because the bin was now empty and too deep...

LEMisdisappointed Sat 04-May-13 09:50:26

Ed, you did loads yesterday - thats brilliant, shame about the mouse though.

Level 1 here, i really need to change my trousers and make plans for the day - im still obsessing about not being able to look for work and had a little cry to DP. I think ive upset him.

Vicar, im so glad you have had a nice time at the stables, it certainly will give you something to hold on to when work is tough. A lovely positive thing, for you - that is so important. I think we forget about ourselves too much.

CIQ - glad you liked the theatre, i haven't been for ages, the last thing i saw was the rocky horror show grin

I hope that everyone has a good weekend - im looking out the window and feeling a little piqued that it seems to be cloudy and windy. I think I will let DD go to pony club then DP and I can get a couple of hours to ourselves and go for a walk.

Hello to Nana, Snowy, Silvery, basset xxx

Miggsie - i hope you come back, please don't be put off by the fact that everyone seems to know everyone - we really just pick up as we go along with day to day stuff, I don't know anyone's backstories really and find this thread is good for coping wiht the here and now but we are all happy to listen to what it is that is making you feel bad. No-one judges on this thread.

Unfortunatelyanxious Sat 04-May-13 11:45:02

Morning all
See a new thread has started, this is the third I have been on though not that regular so hello to new people and all the longstanding regulars.

My Dad is weakening, though he appears to be outliving the date given by medical staff, he always was a bit awkward. I had to ring and find out how much his funeral is costing as I'm paying, was terrible to ask in advance. Woman on phone advised this happened frequently. Need to find 3k but only 800 in advance.

House is a total tip, amazing how little I can do with so much time. Have meeting set up with HR and a meeting with psychiatrist in two weeks, DH is away on a business trip that week which is just typical.

Had a few nights of not sleeping and was highly agitated, appears to have passed.

Love to everyone x

hoochymama1 Sat 04-May-13 11:45:43

Hi,
I've been lurking on these threads for a couple of weeks now, and I just want to tell you that they've kept me going.They're the highlight of my day.
Had bad depression 3 years ago thought I was better but it came back, I got put on 100mg sertraline 3 weeks ago and felt as sick as a dog. I'm in uni doing an MA and am on placement with a MH team ( the irony!). I've kept going. Just. So scared of having to drop out.
Got DH and 4 DC, 3 still at home.
Starting to feel better, still really sleepy and unmotivated, nauseous too.
Tell me tho, what are the levels, and what is GAD?
Loads of love to you all.

Unfortunatelyanxious Sat 04-May-13 11:55:19

Hello Hoochy GAD stands for general anxiety disorder, it's a test to see if you have anxiety. So it's a diagnostic tool.

I score ridiculously highly, I just re did it online after reading this thread as has been a while and scored 18. My score was actually at the max a few weeks ago.

I know more about MH issues, sections etc than I wish I did due to my own illness and also my dsis who has bi polar right up on the most severe end of the spectrum.

Good luck with your placement and course.

Hi hoochy

Just a quickie as I plan to disappear from mn and engage with my housework and children.

The levels relate to how well dressed we are.

To a certain extent what they actually consist of is personal.

Level 1 - PJs
Level 2 - stuff you would normally slob round the house but probably wouldn't wear out. For me this would be trackie bottoms and a top.
Level 3 - everyday stuff for me this would be jeans and a top.

So level 1 would be nightware. Level 3 would be something you would wear to supermarket. Level 2 is inbetween.

Bonuses can be added in the form of make up, jewellery, hair straightening. Stuff like that.

It just gives an indication of motivation and mood.

GAD is genaelised anxiety disorder I think. The gad7 scale linked is just the way memtal health professionals monitor and quantitate the level of anxiety.

hoochymama1 Sat 04-May-13 12:04:46

Thanks, I think it is in families sometimes, my dad had depression and DS has been under the care of MH services for a while.
Having a good day today MADE myself go for a walk this am and felt better for it. Just put washing on line and it is now sopping wet due to rain! You win, you lose. x

Queenofknickers Sat 04-May-13 12:12:39

Hello everyone. Just place marking really. Level 1 today - bank hols bit of a trigger for me. Cannot think of anything can face doing atm - just want to sleep and hide - what a waste. feel sorry for DH and DCs being stuck with me although they seem to mainly work around me now. sad

hoochymama1 Sat 04-May-13 12:14:09

Good grief I'm GAD 18, but on the plus side level 3. Bonus points for mascara and straightening?

Def bonus points.

We've just hd a 15min family tidy.

Ive cleaned out the fridge. This alone shows how badly I fell off the wagon.

My salad drawer was truly minging. I had a cucumber in there with 8apr on. except it didnt look much like a cucumber any more. Thats before the pack holiday, which means I haven't properly been shopping since before that.

I'm now trying to get over my rim job by laying on my bed crocheting...

SnowyMouse Sat 04-May-13 13:11:44

level 2. On the bonus side I have been shredding/sorting for 1.5 hours, just taking a break.

Hope everyone's having a good morning.

NanaNina Sat 04-May-13 13:46:00

Hello Hoochy and welcome. I think the trouble is with dep/anx it is something that can (and often does) re-occur. If you have 1 severe episode you have a 50% chance of a second one, though I am talking severe (needing admission to psych ward) I had my first major episode of depression/anx in 1995 following the death of my closest friend. 3 months stay on psych ward - made complete recovery and got on with my life and stayed on the meds (100mg imipramine - an old fashioned AD tryclic) till 2008. I tried coming off them a couple of times on my own and another twice with GP advice, and each time I had withdrawal symptoms and went back on them. Incidentally the GPs never mentioned withdrawal symptoms and said the depression had returned and should stay on meds. Oh how I wish I had taken that advice.

In 2008 I began seeing a psychiatrist who had an expertise in helping people come off prescribed meds. She told me I needed to be in charge of the reduction and not to reduce any more than 25 mg per month. I decided to reduce 10 mg per month and was off them by July 2009. Had some life stresses in the autumn of 09, broke my leg, grand-daughter very ill and I got campylobacter (like salmonella) which laid me low for weeks. By Christmas 09 I was a physical and emotional wreck and began to suspect that dep/anx was building up again and I went back to the pyschologist (who didn't believe in ADs) and saw her for 3 months and I was getting worse and worse. Finally I caved in Easter 2010 and again was admitted to pysch ward with 3 month stay. However this time I haven't made a complete recovery and I've been on an emotional roller coaster for the past 3 years, but with far more good days than bad. Beginning to stabilise now after psych adding mirtazipan 30mg to my existing prescription (now 200mg) so double what I was on for all those years. I bitterly regret ever coming off the meds in the first place. I had no side effects and held down a responsible job.

Sorry that took longer than I intended........I suppose this is why I wonder why people do come off meds if they are well and they are not causing side effects, but I know many people come off them successfully. I am 69 so I have less time to go on them for "life" than many younger women!!

You have a lot on your plate Hoochy but glad you are starting to feel better, and the side effects will probably subside over time. Can I ask if you were on sertraline before. Yes the irony indeed of a placement in the MH team - you might pick up some useful info! You mention being scared of having to drop out and this sounds like anxiety, as that is the medical name for fear........I think you need to take care because if your stress levels get very high, or your anxiety worsens, you could not make the recovery that is essential for you. Is it absolutely esential that you complete the MA - could you not postpone it if it becomes too much? Incidentally what profession are you heading for................?

Lem I think you need to but the thing about find a job on the back burner. Your DH is telling you to do this, but I guess you are feeling bad/guilty about not making your contribution to the household expenses. You wouldn't be thinking of getting a job if you had a serious physical illness, and would realise that you would need to fully recover first. Unfortunately with mental illness, we think we should be able to "make ourselves better" and even feel guilty and (in my case) ashamed of the illness. You are far from well and if you try a job now, it will I am sure delay your recovery. A very wise psychiatrist told me on my first admission "don't do anything that is an ordeal" - many people don't have the luxury to decide, but you do, so please stop worrying. You have years and years ahead of you to work outside of the home.

UA I am a bit worried about answering as you are one of the poster on this thread person who I know little about. I have see your post about your dad's demise and the worry of all that, when you are suffering with mental health problems. Funerals are a ridiculous cost and it can be done much cheaper on a DIY basis, but when people are bereaved is not the time to research this.

QofK I know sooooo well that feeling of wanting to sleep and hide. Somehow the emotional pain seems less if we are under the duvet. My CPN was dead against it, but nice as she was, she hadn't ever suffered from MH issues herself and I think only people who experience the torment of mental illness themselves can understand. Oh god I am always saying that!!

Miggsie where are you - can you come back for a little while.

Ed glad you are having a good day. I know so well those disgusting half cucumbers in the fridge and other gunk at the bottom of the sala/veg drawers!!

My latest crochet should be on my profile.

Off to make milkshake...apparently. ..

SnowyMouse Sat 04-May-13 14:23:46

Those are gorgeous, you're one talented crocheter Ed!

Thanks snowy. I am sefl taught over last 2-3 months but I am only as good as the pattern I am following.

My final crochet is up and is probably my favourite.

SnowyMouse Sat 04-May-13 16:28:14

It'sa me, Mario!

I'm exhausted now, I need to remember to pace confused

Unfortunatelyanxious Sat 04-May-13 17:09:31

Good to hear about your section 3 lifted Snowy are you totally off section now? be careful not to over do it.

Hoochy lots of people have MH issues in my family, I have at least seven relatives that have official diagnosis. Dsis has bi polar and then have other relatives with scizophrenia and others with anxiety and depression. This is on both Mother and Fathers sides.

ER I can knit but could never master crochet so feel quite jealous, but well done.

I'm on a level 2 and have managed to put away two laundry baskets of washing

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 04-May-13 17:13:32

im just popping on to rant and rave and shout and angry

i have been in tears all day.

someone at work has totally ripped me to shreds. I have done nothing wrong, but its a supervisor (not even my supervisor!!!) who thinks i should not be on a phased return, got me into an office and bollocked me loudly enough for the adjoining office to hear.
thinks im taking the piss, and went on to say that somemone else who had a physical injury has come back faster than me....yadda yadda yadda....

so i asked what they knew about why i was off (they should know sod all because its fuck all to do with them....)

got no definitive answer to that one. i said i felt belittled. i said my return has been carefully arranged with occy health etc to which he said that they will "only be going on what ive told them" so he basically thinks im a total fraud.
he went on to say that i need to prove myself and i wont do that by sticking to my phased return times.
i apparently have a bad attitude. If i am told to do something by supervision that i must do it,
he started bleating on about some non existent issue with my qualification (there were no issues with my qualification - christ knows what he is on about - he may be thinking of a time i failed a course and had to retake it, but i passed next time and got a letter of praise due to my "100% positive attitude" sent to inspector)
I asked him what on earth all of this was about - i stated i had been at work for an hour and asked him what i had done wrong that warranted this. Apparently i must grasp the opportunity to prove myself to him. (despite him not actually being my supervisor)

oh - and that whole conversation has to be kept in that room, "or else, and i will find out about it if this goes any further"....

so.
after i came out and the entire office started asking me if i was ok and making me cups of tea i ended up sobbing in the ladies and actually just wanted to go home.
its not worth it. See, i thought i was doing ok and then all it takes is some knobcheese like that to knock the wind out of my sails.
i do not want to go back. i have a headache. i look like shit. but worse, i feel like shit.
and i dont know what to do.

SnowyMouse Sat 04-May-13 17:33:11

((((*Vicar*)))) sad shock

bassetfeet Sat 04-May-13 17:35:37

I am raging on your behalf Vicar. Are you still at work ?
This is outrageous bullying and that vile man has crossed boundaries .
I am going to think a bit and come back . But you are not shit no way let yourself think that . Is there someone supportive with you ? x

thats crap.

Can you talk to your supervisor or mentor? I know you said convo has to stay in the room but sounds as though that was beyond your control anyway. Or talk to occy health? Or a union rep?

Go have a cuddle with your ratties.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 04-May-13 18:25:24

Vicar angry How DARE he treat you like this. You need to get this logged somehow. The whole thing smacks of bullying and abuse and this is EXACTLY what you would say to any of us. Who the fuck does he think he is - he has, i suspect broken a shed load of rules right there. I would be requesting a meeting with your supervisor and making a complaint. Seriously - the reason he is threatening you to "keep it in the room" is because he knows he is in the wrong. You must be able to see this. I usually keep this word off this thread but he is a total cunt. Please don't let him do this to you - bastard, honestly, i feel like coming up there and smacking him between the eyes. Please don't let this drop, i know this must be the last thing you feel like doing but report him, you said everyone heard him shouting at you, that in itself is unprofessional. Does he feel threatened by you in some way? Bastard!!!

When are you back at work?

<<massive hugs>>>

Hugs vicar I am so shocked by this man, and echo everything lem, ed, basset have said. This is bullying and discrimination and that's why he wants it to stay in the room. Can u have a cuddle with your rats, have a medicinal glass of wine maybe and identify how you can make a complaint. Can you get in touch with your mentor? Please try and stay strong. You have been doing so well please don't let this utter bastard win. Like lem I too will happily give him one between the eyes for you. hugs x

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 04-May-13 19:48:25

i called my mentor in tears but just felt even more stupid. i spoke to my acting supervisor who just said to ignore and we would have a chat later.

i have spent the day dealing with prisoners with my make up cried off, red puffy eyes and feeling shit shit shit.

is there any wonder i didnt want to go back? really? i feel such a fool.

i also told him that he was moving hte goalposts and that 2 months ago i thought i was not coming back.
his response to that?
"well go then"
i really really really wish i had just upped and walked at that point - right there.
he would have shit himself. And would have had some explaining to do. Why didnt i just walk out?

Ive tried calling the lovely union rep but i think they must be away for the holiday weekend.
im back to work tomorrow. i cannot actually describe how much i dont want to go.
i feel ridiculous.
i want to take it further but i also know that when he is acting as my overall supervision that it may not do me any good.

i do feel victimised, bullied, stupid, weak, pathetic, and all the things that i dont need to feel.
He must know some of why ive been off. Else why bleat on about physical injury? mental anguish clearly means fuck all. It would have if i had crashed my car on the way home, which i nearly did. i almost ran into the back of someone on the fast lane of the motorway. And then i walked the dog, and forgot to bring hte car home. Clearly this has made my mind mush.
ive no idea what to do. i need advice but cant get anyone to give it - rep away, normal supervision all away. i feel trapped. I cant call occy health until tuesday.

ive written the conversation down.
i need to write down how it made me feel and the names of those who witnessed and heard it. (i wouldnt drag them into it though)

i ended up staying for 2 hours longer than i should have. i have a terrible head ache, and i dread to think what everyone is thinking of me who saw me today.

i dont feel like i cant go back. job hunting again with gusto. im meant to be back again tomorrow.

bassetfeet Sat 04-May-13 19:48:35

Vicar this is definitely in the Bullying at work category and needs investigating .
But I realise that it is probably the last thing you can face at the moment

I hope you are ok ...hate to think of your distress . Have a chat with your DH and work out some finances maybe . You are obviously a resourceful lass and hard worker . There are options my love .
Personally I would see your GP ,tell her and go on the sick whilst filing a grievance re your treatment and bullying. But that is easy for me to say I know . I think one of us here knows a lot about these issues and will post.

While it is seared in your soul bless you write every detail down re the shift today and what was said . And if possible see if one of the shift you trust heard anything to back you up .

Vicar your mental health is very precious so precious .
You have been sounding so much better recently and coping so well with your son and the crap life throws at us . Please dont let these nasty bigots make you ill again .

Hope you have had a nice bath in your new bathroom with the jewel girls and have glass of wine . Thinking of you and remember YOU are in control of your valuable life and where it is heading .xx flowers.

bassetfeet Sat 04-May-13 19:48:57

crossposted x

LEMisdisappointed Sat 04-May-13 19:58:02

Vicar i dont know if this will be of any use this website I think, helps people with mental health discrimination at work xx

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 04-May-13 21:40:34

vicar what a truly distressing thing to happen. It's bullying for sure.

NanaNina Sat 04-May-13 22:20:06

Oh Vicar so sorry,but ye know what I reckon this is groundhog day. You have just recovered from a very nasty depressive illness and this kind of shite could cause a relapse, and it's not so easy to get over a second episode of depression.

I agree with what others are saying, and glad you have recorded everything. Surely a job in retail might be better, boring but stressfree, while you look around for something else. What did you do before the police. What you are saying about the police reinforces all my own feelings, ok you go where "angels fear to tread" etc but the macho/bullying culture that you describe is no place for you Vicar - they don't deserve you.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 04-May-13 22:51:06

This weekend is not going to plan, i wanted everyone (included myself) to have a nice time sad not coping myself here, trying to be "ok" for DP and DD but i feel like a time bomb

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 04-May-13 22:56:23

ive made a decision that im not standing for it - ive lodged a formal complaint. bugger it. i dont care anymore. This is exactly why i hate the job. I would rather deal with heroin addicted shoplifters than "colleagues" like this.

i am totally in the right and i will stand up to this shite. if it costs me my job so be it. It was a completely unwarranted attack on me, ive got a copy of my occy health agreement, i have witnesses and im not standing for it any more.

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 04-May-13 22:58:52

and ive had a bath, a glass of wine, and my little jewel sisters have made me laugh tonight - they are truly just like little dogs. They all came running for a cuddle, they are clowns when left to roam around the bathroom - so funny.

im going to get through the rest of the week, and then go riding.

Good for you vicar go for it. Really glad you've lodged a complaint, and that you've had an ok evening. I have thoroughly enjoyed half a bottle of wine (only drink at the weekend, honest wink ) and am now trying to summon up energy to hang up washing and go to bed.

lem hang in there x

LEMisdisappointed Sat 04-May-13 23:04:58

GOOD FOR YOU VICAR, good for you - jumping up and down (metaphorically) punching the air (again, metaphoricaly) I am pleased that you have got angry - rake them across the coals, you have right on your side and all of us behind you.

Your ratties sound just lovely, I am thinking about getting a pet, just for me - we have two dogs who i adore, I am seriously considering a spider, i think i have seen how therapeutic your rats have been and ive wanted a spider for a while.

Spider grin my dad would freak he has a massive phobia wink . Go for it lem they are fascinating creatures which you clearly enjoy and like you say something that's just for you. I find talking to my cat quite therapeutic!

LEMisdisappointed Sat 04-May-13 23:16:14

The irony CIQ is i used to be terrified of spiders, really petrified to phobia proportions I would say. So that is weird. I'm sorry - I'm having a bad night but i feel bad because others are hurting more.

Can anyone comment on whether they feel that I should be seen by a psychiatrist - or is anxiety and depression a GP/counselling thing? Because if i am honest, i feel like i am on the verge of a full on breakdown, i'm petrified that i wont recover. I want to ask for a psych assesment but i know my doctor will say no.

Irony... def. I can't advise on the psychiatrist front I'm afraid but it's a good qn. When did you last see your gp? Yr anxiety levels do sound v high and I would think Def worth another conversation with gp at least. Hope Someone else can advise. I also think weekends can be harder as more is expected with dp and dc around. I slept today 11-1 and that helped make today doable.

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 04-May-13 23:25:32

lem i dont have the monopoly on feeling shit - please feel free to join me....

tell me again - when did you last see a gp?
what meds are you on?
why do you think the gp will say no to an assessment?
how do you feel about just turning up at hospital?
have you been referred to a psych?

and spiders.....i would love a tarantula. i used to spider sit my mates. they are not like spiders...i would love a red knee or a goliath - i like huge ploddy spiders.

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 04-May-13 23:27:02

ive just realised i missed my meds today.
i had no lunch and no breakfast.
this is what this shitty job does to me. and i worked over because of the supervisors out burst.

now i have a head ache and i feel dehydrated. bloody hell.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 04-May-13 23:27:11

Am off to bed now - well, to watch basic instinct and fall asleep on sofa, dog will keep my place warm in bed xx

Hugs everyone. vicar point of fluids and a piece of toast and then bed (she says bossily!) And put today behind you.

Might all x

Or night even wink x

vicar just remind yourself. The most important thing is YOU. Thats YOU. Not your job. Not your supervisors. Not your collegues but YOU.

You need to eat and rest in order that you can look after yourself. Then you look after #2. Your family.

I know you felt the need to prove yourself. But you need to stick to the agreed phased return. It has been structured so that you can still focus on #1. Your superiors aren't interested in your health (they should be!) They are interested in results, and if they can bully you into working an extra hour they might get closer to another result which will make them look good. Make their superiors smile.

If you go beyond the agreed phased return you will crash and burn. You will crash and burn mentally. You will crash and burn physically and then I fear the recovery will be even longer. I soooo regret doing brownie holiday as I think that is what I have done. I have almost had a fresh meltdown on top of the last one which I haven't recovered from.

Sending you huge hugs....would you like me to crochet you a voodoo doll?!?

I am thinking of everyone but still finding it difficult to follow everyone as a lot seems to be happening today. Group hug offered.

For me. I think I am going to go back my lists as I was more on top of things when I was doing that...so here goes.

Cleared brownie stuff off table
Finished 2 crochet projects
Washed up
Emptied and reloaded dw x2
Made milkshakes
No nap
Meds taken (ive no idea when I last took them...)
Played games with dcs

Ive motivated the children to have a busy day too so I feel positive about the following stuff which has been done although I didn't do it...
Cooked chilli
Done some artwork
Dtds tidied a bit of bedroom
Dd3 did quite a lot of bedroom
Swept kitchen floor
Put several loads of washing through.

Right I'm shattered. Lets have a group hug then I'm heading to bed. Night all.

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 05-May-13 09:13:17

vicar a mad thought - could he have been trying to "toughen you up"? albeit in a v misguided way...

LEMisdisappointed Sun 05-May-13 09:27:22

Vicar Eds right - you should only do absolutely what has been agreed on the phased return. It sounds to me like you cope with the crack heads and drunks really well, its just the shit from above that you are struggling with - they can't do this!! But you got angry - Im pleased about that, i glad you have filed a complaint.

Its not the same for me but it was work stress that has caused this latest breakdown - i left, it wasn't a long term job but it has destroyed my confidence so I am pretty much in awe of you being able to return and actively seek other work, i haven't even been able to look at a job advert and i need to work we need the money sad Behind wiht the mortgage bank running out of patience and its because i dont have a job.

Yes - slow and ploddy is the way with spiders, although i think the goliaths can be a bit snarky otherwise i would love one, my friend has several and they are mahoosive! But surprisingly quick shock Like you say, they are not like spiders.

Ed - you are doing us proud lady, all that stuff on the list smile Do you make the list to do or do you list what you have done? Ha ha at the crochet voodoo doll, i think there could be a market for those!

Had another meltdown on DP this morning - i don't know how much more he can take.

But its sunny and I am going to take my DD to the pictures while DP performs miracles with the car, then we might go to the beach later.

Thanks.

It is stuff I have done. My therapist has asked me to do it (and I find mn more accessible than pen and paper grin )

If I make to do lists I am paralysed by the list and don't do anything. Especially when I make tge list the day before. If I am having a good day I can make an outline of what I want to do. But I have to do it when I am up and know it is a good day iyswim.

Right...need to get up and get moving...swimming lessons. Then need to put some washimg away...

LEMisdisappointed Sun 05-May-13 09:49:05

Its funny, i was list tastic when i was doing my Phd and i was well. I would make a list on days that i didn't really know what i was doing, to motivate myself and I would probably only do the first couple of things on the list before i would be lead off in a different direction by results etc. I miss science - i wish i could go back but i dont think it will happen now. (Damn you pfizer!! - i didnt work for them but they were a major employer in this area and you don't get a look in now if you aren't ex pfizer)

Its also wprth pointing out that literally everything I do is on my lists. So if a shower isn't on my list I didn't do it iyswim.

Right im level 3 and have 4 mins to pack a swimming bag. Catch you later...

SnowyMouse Sun 05-May-13 10:18:04

Good for you vicar! Thinking of everyone

I have news. I have captured a live mouse.

Dtds have just taken it to the park to release.

Now I need to lay down...

NanaNina Sun 05-May-13 13:14:05

Good on you Vicar - I had a bit of a dust up with a CSO in town yesterday. I had parked outside Waitrose where there were no yellow lines. Ticket on my car when I came out and the 2 CSOs were patrolling the area. I went and asked politely why they had given me a ticket and the bloke pointed out that there were those dotted lines at the end of the kerb blind people. I hadn't noticed them. I commented that it would be better if there were double yellow lines and the bloke started getting stroppy saying "that's nothing to do with us, now on yer way!" I've heard them on TV saying things like that to drunks in a crowd, but this OAP on a Sat afternoon.....I said that I didn't think that was a polite way to speak to me and he started jabbing his finger at me and saying loudly "Rule 143 in the Highway Code" over and over again. I looked blank and he told me it was the rule about parking in front of dotted lines on the kerb. I said I saw no reason for him to be jabbing his finger at me and he again pointed at me and said "don't get arrogant with me" and walked off into a nearby shop. His colleague (a female) remained there and so I said "how does that work then that he can get arrogant with me but I can't do the same to him" and she said "You have a very bad attitude." !!! I was at this point getting angry so I walked away, but that's just a single incident, and god knows what these macho bullying blokes are like when they are in a position of authority (although they would see that as power not authority)

You can only hope that they are not going to "close ranks" on you as I suspect this is what could happen. If someone can emotionally abuse you like that (which I believe is a crime "use of threatening words or behaviour?) there is no knowing what else they can do.

You really really need another job V sorry for stating the obvious.

NanaNina Sun 05-May-13 13:44:01

Hi Lem Wow PHd, one very high flyer -I'm well impressed! but sadly mental illness can afflict us all. Sorry you are having a crap time, but in a way it's a good thing that you know the root cause of your dep/anx. You mention that you are in awe of Vicar being able to look for jobs, when you can't contemplate that. The reason is very clear Lem - Vicar is no longer depressed (she was when she started the thread and I'm sure she will confirm this) and that's why she has the emotional strength that you don't have just now, but you will get better though it is going to take time and the right dose of meds. 4 out of 5 people recover from depression within 4 to 6 months, especially if it is a first eposide. I think when we are in the midst of the grey fog of depression we are in awe of anyone doing things that we could have done without a second thought when we were well. The thing that got me to the GP in my first episode was the increduality I experienced when hearing a colleague discussing baking a birthday cake with her sister, for their mother's 70th birthday (and I can make birthday cakes!!) which made it even more wierd.

I did think your expectations about the weekend were a bit on the high side to be honest. The thing is with dep/anx you have to learn to "take each day as it comes" as they can (as you have discovered) fluctuate from day to day and your mood can change through the day. I think you said mornings were the worst (same here) and you lifted through the day sometimes. That is my pattern too, but my dep is intermittent as I outlined in a long post.

You asked about referral to a psychiatrist. Referrals are made to consultants, on the basis of clinical need, be it mental or physical illness. However with physical illness, there are tests that can be carried out at the primary care stage, x-rays, blood tests, scans etc. but there are no such tests for depression and anxiety, nor for any of the other types of mental illness, as far as I am aware.

I was recently told by my CPN (who I still see on a monthly basis) that there were now strict demarcation lines about which "track" a patient would be on. Again like so many things, it was the "numbers game." She explained that if you scored below 4, you were on the primary care route GP and mental health nurses attached to the practice. If above 4 you were on the CPN/ConsltPysch track. As she assured me I was above 4 I didn't get around to asking her what the questions were, as I assume this is what she meant. This is obviously something that has been set up in my area. I am above 4 because of my psychiatric history and 2 admissions to a pysch ward.

To be honest Lem with a first episode of depression and on 20mg citalopram, I don't think any GP would perceive there was a clinical need to refer you to a psychiatrist. He/she is more likely I would think to increase the dose to see if that has a good effect. Sorry I can't recall how long you have been on them, but don't think it's that long. Recovery from depression is a slow process and so you have to be a bit patient with yourself, though I know you are worried about money. Is there any chance you could re-mortgage or take out a loan with the bank to tide you over till you are better. I think you really need to look into that because worrying about finance could make you more anxious, and so slow down your recovery.

SO I reckon your first step is back to the GP and see where you go from there. I can recall MNs on other threads talking about the good effect of raising the dose of citalopram, and they do usually start you off on a low dose.

Miggsy where are you. We are all here and caring about you.
Hooch ditto

You are both suffering a lot, please come back and talk to us.

Please don't be put off by everyone seeming to know everyone, and the last few posts all about Vicar - I suppose she is the "Head girl" (not you understand that she has made any such reference to that herself) I just thought of it on the spur of the moment. Vicar started the original thread and this is the 4th edition.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 05-May-13 13:59:07

Nana thanks this ist my second time onmy cit it doesnt seem to be woeking

SnowyMouse Sun 05-May-13 14:12:55

I'm sorry so many people are having difficult & unnecessary difficulties sad

NanaNina Sun 05-May-13 15:57:06

Lem can you explain a bit more. Do I recall you saying that you were on citalopram and then stopped taking it because you thought you were better? Have I got that right, and so this is your 2nd episode but caused by stopping the citalopram. Is that right? I think people come off meds far too quickly - there seems to be some aversion to taking ADs - I don't know why. The trouble is as I'm sure you know, taking ADs aren't like taking paracetomol for headache. Medics don't fully understand brain disorder and don't even know why ADs work, other than telling us that they raise the level of seratonin in the brain.

I don't think it's a case of it "not working" Lem I think it's about the chemicals in your brain being adjusted to the optimum level for you (you will know more about this than me, as you are a scientist) but probably not related to mental illness, I don't know. This is going to take time, and may well need a raised dose of citalopram.

What dose were you on before, and how long were you on it. Presumably it was successful as you stopped taking it?

Did you come off it with GP supervision, as you do need to withdraw from ADs very slowly. How long have you been on the AD this second time.

How long in between coming off it and symptoms emerging again?

Sorry to fire so many questions at you.....but just trying to get things straight in my mind. Citalopram is the drug of choice now by NICE guidelines, but I think SSRIs probably all work in a similar way.

I have stuck with my imipramine during my second major episode (very different from yours) but caused by coming off them after 14 years (will regret that to my dying day) and they were only "working" for me some of the time, around 80% ok most months but then dipping to 50% earlier this year. I am now taking mirtazapine in addition and dare I say the combination seem to be "working" much better than before the additional AD was prescribed.

I always imagine an old fashioned weighing scale in my head and that crucial balance just has to be found. Don't despair Lem though I have done that many many times. You are young and have every chance of getting better, it's just going to take as long as it takes. The citalopram is "working" for you some of the time as you sometimes begin to feel better as the day wears on. Some days I think are OK for you. I can see the difference in the tone of your posts as they rise and fall with the fluctuations.

Talk all this over with your GP as early as possible.

hoochymama1 Sun 05-May-13 16:18:40

Hi every one,
good to hear all the stuff today. It makes me laugh and cry at the same time. Vicar, persist with the union rep, and put every effort into moving to another job. You are in the right, but you are vulnerable at the moment so high priority is looking after yourself.
Nana thanks for kind words, same profession as you by the way, I was devastated as GP said I'd be on sertraline for at least 1 to 2 more years, I got myself off it myself, quick, 3 years ago and GP said that it often happens that if people are on it only briefly(6months in my case)they can relapse.
I felt so well! I thought I was better! But being on meds is a small price to pay for staying alive. Loads of love to you, I'd send you flowers if I could work out how the darn smileys work..

SnowyMouse Sun 05-May-13 16:21:48

flowers is [ flowers ] without the spaces.

hoochymama1 Sun 05-May-13 16:35:12

Thank you Snowy, by golly, I think she's got it!grin

LEMisdisappointed Sun 05-May-13 16:57:12

Nana - i was on citalopram when DD was 2, for about 2 and a half years, 40mg at some point back down to twenty, then ten, then five (ish) every other day so i did come off slowly, that was probably about 2 years ago, i can't remember to be precise. It was mostly for anxiety before, i wasn't really depressed. Now i am, i know i am and i feel "wrong" hence feeling i need a proper psych assesment. I also have a vague recollection of having a pscychiatric assesment as a teenager, for self harm, i can't remember precisely. I think it was the typical teenage angst self harm than any real form of depression back then. I have never felt like this before. When DD2 was born, everything happened, i was writing up my PhD, my dad was dying and being mistreated in his care home so i was fighting all that, he died when she was 8 weeks old. I had gallstones - i was so ill, had those removed, wrote up my PhD and pretty much broke - it was like my PhD was holding me together at the seems - then when i let go of that, i just lost it. DP and I got into debt because i had PND which was missed by the HCPs and he was having to take so much time off work we were living on credit cards. So it was everything - we actually have the debts under control now, even though the mortgage is in arrears, its not that bad and DP will sort it, he now has a regular wage coming in. My anxiety manifested as health anxiety principally.

This time it is very different, I got a job at a college, teaching as supply teacher, but i had never taught before, they piled more and more responsibility on but gave me no training or guidance, I was in charge of setting up controlled assesments and there was no one in the department who i could ask if i was doing it ok because my line manager basically passed the buck, she was supposed to do this but didn't so i just had to wing it. I got really good feedback from the students but it was too much, i was being paid for 12 hours a week but i was working 60 hours, i enjoyed it, but i always felt ten steps behind. I wanted to make sure everything was right but i had no one to ask for help. This place is notorious bad employer, even by FE standards and i knew that it was a mistake taking the job on, so many people who i know have worked there left for similar reasons. I was signed off sick by my doctor but my line manager still "encouraged" me to work during this period which really, was the straw that broke the camels back - She basically bullied me and played with my head, because i went over her head to ask for support (because i had realised no help would be forthcoming from her) I knew she would get me out, and she did - she made it so difficult for me, but had to swallow her words when i got excellent reviews from the students. She is well known for being a bad manager and basically passing the buck downwards. Someone suggested I had a case for constructive dismissal but i was on a sessional contract so i let it drop and my doctor advised me that it wasn't worth persuing. They told me that whilst they would write me a reasonable reference they would say I can't cope with pressure - blush And that was true i suppose becuse i snapped. It got to the point that my DP made me put all my books etc in the car, drove me over and I told them i was quitting. It has destroyed what little confidence i had. Most people would have said "fuck this" long before i did, but i think it was my anxiety that made me stay longer becaue i thought i'd get better. When i went for my counselling assesment my counseller said that a high proportion of their clients came from that college as they treated their staff so badly angry The thing is, i read this as me making excuses for being crap. I should be a high earner but i can't even hold down a part time job and now I don't even feel confident enough for a cleaning job.

I am terrified by how i feel just now, i have had a nice day with DD, i took her to the pictures so that DP could fix the car, which he has, so he is happy because he has had the day to sort the car and start on the van - I loved our day together, so why do i feel so fruaght now? We might go for a walk as a family - its all good, DP is being brilliant, the mortgage thing is a worry but it isn't desperate and its sortable. I just manage to turn molehills into mount everest size problems.

My DP is blaming the drugs for me being worse now, but i think what it is is that i told myself that ok, i have until after the easter holidays to lick my wounds, now i have to get back on the horse and start looking for a job. We have agreed that I will only look for a part-time job because he is now out of the house at 7 every morning and any worthwhile full time work for me would involve a commute, i don't want DD in out of school club for 12 hours a day, she is only 7 and very young for her age. Although she enjoys the after school club etc and cried when i had to pull her out when i left my job (so i felt even worse) . I think that citalopram may not be the right drug for me this time around and im reluctant to go to 40mg again because DP is adamant that i was like a zombie on it. I get very nervous and agitated with simple tasks, will physically shake if i have to load the dishwasher - this is MENTAL, my previous "career" involved highly dextrous, complicated tasks so i don't know what is going on there.

I have suicidal thoughts, but im not suicidal, if that makes sense, I think DD would be better off without me and DP needs someone to support him and not hold him back all of the time, i wont be able to follow it through, im not brave enough. The thought of nothingness is extremely attractive to me - that is what I am craving, I am not thinking about how nice things can be if only i wasn't ill - does that make sense?? Am i ill? or is this just how it is? Am i just ineffective, lazy? A bit lame? Thats how i feel - i feel like a failure and that ive not acheived anything - i know i have the qualifications but i have never been able to use them. People with no real qualifications to speak of have done much better than i have - i don't seem them as a measure of achievement.

WOW - that was Epic, but i didn't want to drip feed Nana i bet you wish you didn't ask!

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 05-May-13 17:07:07

LEM - Underachiever here too - but you got your PhD and I didn't smile

Your post makes it clear that your mh is not at its best. Stop Thinking About Getting A Job for the time being, enjoy your DD, and talk to your GP. A change of meds might help enormously.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 05-May-13 17:37:51

Silvery - out of all of the people i did my PhD with, the ones who did better are the ones that didn't write up grin

Hope everyone had a good day today - we are off for a nice walk now - if i can find the dog harness

Thanks again everyone - it just helps to have folk who understand to bounce crap off.

Vicar - i hope you are doing OK today xxx

bassetfeet Sun 05-May-13 18:13:55

Hi all
LEM so sorry to read your struggles . It is HELL . Good folk supporting you here so will be brief .My experience and anecdotal knowledge from others here:
Sometimes it seems the med you were on at first time doesnt work as effectively if used again . The dose you are on can be boosted as you know until stability . One med that is very useful with people I know is Venlafaxine for anxiety and depression if Cit stops working . Cross tapering doesnt seem to have withdrawal symptoms if carefully done and those I know have said it has been very helpful . Just a thought . Ask your doc.
Hang on lass . It does get better I promise. x

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 05-May-13 19:15:04

evening.
migsie and hooch - im sorry - i did rather monopolise this space yesterday such was my outrage.
i forgot to say hi and welcome to hooch - but i hope everyone knows anyone and everyone is welcome here - when ever they need to talk.

im ok today. Thank you for asking everyone - i cant really say much more now things are official. But thank you for the support yesterday and the outrage helped me stay firm in thinking what had happened was wrong.

i hope everyone else is having a good weekend - weather lovely here. I got home on timish and met a friend for dog walks in the park. DH had cooked a wonderful sunday roast, ive cleaned the jewel sisters out and i have my feet up.

hope you all enjoy a peaceful weekend.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 05-May-13 19:33:48

You sound much more positive today Vicar, i'm pleased. It sounds like a lovely evening - the weather helps so much doesn't it. We have just had our walk, knackered now and making DP cook dinner - nice tesco pizza with salad. Oh, and a bottle of wine blush I figure we deserve a treat - ive done ok this week in terms of not drinking and DP will help me drink it.

Hi again to Migsie and Hooch, I seem to have monopolised a bit too this weekend, but we really are here for everyone and anyone else to vent or just update - its like a safety blanket for me, im so glad vicar started this thread.

I have a general thought/question - ADs like Citalopram/mirtazapine/prozac are all SSRIs - I often wonder how much they would actually differ from each other - a seretonin receptor is a seratonin receptor is it not? Or are there several kinds? Hmmm, i can feel a googling session coming on.

bassetfeet Sun 05-May-13 19:38:01

Today sounds good to me Vicar . So proud of you flowers.
Dh sounds a diamond and you have eaten /walked the pooch /sorted the jewel girls house.. Oh and been to work grin and reported . I am beyond delighted . Stay strong .....you will make changes and those who bully will be exposed .

Nice day here after a few days of acute anxiety and fretting. Visited my elderly mum and sorted a lot of finance stuff sad.
Thinking of you all . UA You must be under so much stress re your dad .
Bloody awful . You are doing so much . A hug x.

bassetfeet Sun 05-May-13 19:41:30

Snowy how are you doing ?

SnowyMouse Sun 05-May-13 20:27:51

I'm having a low day, thanks for asking bassett. I shouldn't be surprised after the past few months though...one day at a time and all that smile

I hope everyone's tomorrow is good.

NanaNina Sun 05-May-13 20:44:36

No Lem I don't regret asking for more info! My god what a HUGE amount of stress you were under following the birth of DD2 and the HCPs missing your PND, and everything else that was happening, your poor dad, your illness, writing up a Phd - it would I think be strange if anyone didn't conk out under that amount of pressure.

Your description of teaching in a college (presumably of FE?) sounds horrendous, and my DP had a similar experience many years ago. The thing is of course you don't need a teaching qualification to teach in FE and I'm not saying that these courses teach you how to teach, as I strongly believe that we "learn our trade on the job" so to speak. However with the right kind of support you would have not had such a dreadful time I'm sure. You were obviously very committed and dare I say something of a perfectionist (?) hence the 60 hour week.

The manager was clearly incompetent and possibly burned out herself I don't know, but I have come across this type of controlling, incompetent managers, who are essentially very insecure and so try to control to cover this up, that's if they are aware, which I somehow doubt. You did the right thing to go over her head but of course it would have brought her out with all guns blazing. I'm so glad you got such good feedback from the students, and isn't that what teaching is all about, connecting with the students, teaching in an inspiring way, someone who cares about teaching and learning and it shows in the way you deliver at the "coal face" - I suspect the manager felt threatened by you, and this weak kind of individual will resort to bullying. Best thing you did was to quit. You must hold on to the fact that you got such excellent feedback from the students.

You posted at almost 5 pm saying you are terrified of how you feel and depression is terrifying but you have had a nice day with DD - incidentally you only mention one DD and I thought there were 2 DDs. Maybe you felt better this afternoon than you did this morning - the fluctuation thing again maybe.

Your last para resonates very strongly with me. You may or may not know that suicidal thoughts are very common in depression and they are more common when depression is severe. The thoughts are suicide ideation (in the sense that you think about suicide a lot) but sort of know that you aren't going to do that. I have been there many many times and have gone so far as to make a plan and research how to suceed. It isn't that we want to die, it's that we want the crippling emotional pain to go away, and that's the only way out that we can see.

It's also extremely common to think that our loved ones would be "better off without us" and this is not the case. One morning when I was wailing this down the phone to my wise friend, she said that if you commit suicide you pass on the pain that you were feeling to your loved ones, who may themselves develop mental illness, and that stopped me in my tracks for a while. I still have suicidal thoughts on bad days, but like you know I won't do it. Oh how well I understand your words "the thought of nothingness is so attractive at the moment" - nothingness (that word describes depression so well) I once read on a MH thread someone talking about the "deep dark grey monotonous place of pointless nothingness, where nothing seemed to change and motivation to do anything evaporated."

You ask questions of yourself in the final para and the only one that I think is true is that you are ill - mentally, rather than physically and I think you need to try to assimilate this and accept that you have a depressive illness.

I am sure your GP would be willing to change the meds, but to be honest I don't think the average GP knows very much about mental health. They can prescribe ADs but that's about all and whilst the same is true of psychiatrists in that they diagnose and treat, they do have a superior knowledge of drugs and their interactions etc., which is what you would expect from a consultant. You could certainly press for a referral to a psychiatrist and I think probably that's the best thing to do. He/she may not feel it necessary but I think would be hard pressed to refuse.
I can't agree with your DP that the drugs are making you worse. You mention that you thought "right I have till the Easter holidays etc" but depression is not time sensitive Lem - just re-reading your post, it sounds like you are also suffering from anxiety as you worry about simple tasks - that has happened to me too. Oh yes and depression makes us feel a failure so I reckon you tick all the boxes! Basset has some interesting comments about drugs that you could maybe talk to your GP about.

You ask about SSRIs and again with your knowledge I think you know more about this than any of us and possibly more than the GP! I suppose there are difference in all drugs. My DP has been taking a statin (for raised cholestrol) and has had muscle pain as a side effect, and so the statin has been changed and he has no side effects. I don't think mirtazapine is an SSRI - I have of course consulted Dr Google but it doesn' t say, it's just that it sounds like a tryclic, eg imipramine, amytriptalyne etc.

There is a book you might find interesting Lem "Malignant Sadness" written by Louis Wolpert who is a bio-chemist and he had a very severe episode of depression and in the opening chapter he states that "before I experienced severe depression I was of the "pull your socks up" school of pyschiatry! It's an interesting book and discusses all the treatments and compares and contrasts the psychological model to the medical model. In my experience both are "locked" into their own model. The psychologist who I saw for 3 months was not prepared to believe that depression was caused by a chemical inbalance in the brain and talked of trials with placebos being as beneficial as ADs. All I know is that the meds saved my life, truly, as my suicidal thoughts were very very real and scarey.

Oh there is another book called "Depression - the Curse of the Strong" (can't remember the author) but you would get both books on Amazon.

Be interested to hear how your consultation goes with GP. You need to book a double appointment don't you.

bassetfeet Sun 05-May-13 20:55:02

You did a fair bit yesterday Snowy . Sorry you are having low day .
Ah yes the day at a time mantra we live with ..hmm but it helps a little and is true .
Good weather forecast I think for tomorrow . Let us turn our faces to the sun Snowy and get some nature healing .
Hope you are ok . flowers.

Hi everyone, esp hello to Migsie and Hoochy - how are your weekends going? Interesting to hear what your GP said about higher chance of relapse if only on ADs for 6 months. My DH (who's been on Sert since Sept) has had completely conflicting advice from different GPs - one who said he should be on it for 2 years, another only 6 months. He's planning for at least 12 months which I think is sensible.

Busy thread today - apologies if I miss anything/one.
LEM I would go and talk to your GP about your meds. Your post above was good at explaining your symptoms and how different you feel now. I do know that anxiety about nothing feeling - and like you its very hard to know if its the meds or the illness. Mine is better when I get a lot of rest - but obv that's not always easy. Like others I would say if you possibly can, to put the job-seeking on hold. That's a big pressure at the best of times, let alone when you're not well. Oh and congratulations on the phD. My brother has one and I know how much work is required!

Vicar so pleased to hear you've had a better day today and really hope the work situation gets sorted justly.

snowy one day and at time - so true. Hope you get a good sleep tonight and enjoy some sun tomorrow.

Basset grin to hear you had a nice day - and sounds like you've been busy too.

Nana really interesting to hear your experience and perspective on the ADs side of things. I do suspect with GPs a lot of it is guesswork!

I am doing OK. Tired again this morning but again I need to go to bed earlier. It is hard though when you feel better late eve, to cut it short. Anyhow went to church, chatted to some people after, cooked roast, had nap (1.5 hrs!) Read a book for an hour, then joined family and did some gardening. Fairly productive if you exclude the nap/book thing. Hey ho. Kids seem to be getting used to the "mummy's having a rest" line which is good, but also bad - don't want to be that mummy... but hopefully that will improve.

Take care all x

LEMisdisappointed Sun 05-May-13 21:19:46

Thankyou Nina for your kind answer - it was actually really useful for me to write that all down. I am lucky in as much as i have a good relationship with my GP and she is very thorough. I am going to talk to her - the fluctuation is becoming a bit of a common theme for me, i think i wake up thinking the day will be a disaster and then it turns out to be a good day. I have been hving a look at the different SSRIs and i can't see much difference between them except maybe in side affects so i might give the citalopram more chance to work - i think its been about 6 weeks. My DP said he will come to the GP with me, bless him, i usually drag him along and then when the poor sod tries to tell the doctor whats what i tell him to shut up smile I don't fancy mirtazapine though as it has sleepy side effects and weight gain an im already overweight. Strangely my weight is something i don't have a problem with - but it would be unhealthy for me to put on more weight.

Snowy, do you think you were on a high because of your result coming off section 3, don't worry that today was pants - ups and downs, we have to ride the storms dont we.

Basset - i like your idea of using the sun for nature healing - it really makes a difference to me.

CIQ do you find any comfort in going to church? I went to church when i was poorly with PND but haven't been for a long time. The nap/book thing sounds great smile

lem it helps a little bit to be honest. I think in part because its an hour that's different from the rest of the week, listening to bits of the bible, a familiar set of prayers, singing some hymns and taking communion. On a good Sunday I will remember that I am loved by God even if I don't quite believe it, and have doubts about my faith too. The "church" as an institution itself is not very helpful, but lots of the other people at church are lovely. I go almost every Sunday as a routine thing really but I think that's OK.

NanaNina Sun 05-May-13 21:44:57

Hello Snowy - trust the lovely Basset to remember you amongst all this angst on the thread. You do tend to stay quietly in the background, sending out little messages of support to others, but not saying very much about yourself, unless your asked. Is that your nature - are you on the quiet, reserved side. We must remember to ask how you are. Sorry today was a low day - was it anything to do with the Bank Holiday weekend. Did you manage to find some sun today. Don't know where you are, but sun is certainly forecast in the Midlands (didn't bother looking anywhere else on the map!) Sun on a bank holiday..........how wierd is that. Hope you can manage a little trip out tomorrow or a sit in the garden if you have one.

Good to see you back Hoochy - I was hoping you weren't heading for social work but suspected that you were! I hadn't realised I had mentioned my occupation on here (now retired) I started in LA social services in 1980 and stayed till 2004 (all children's services) and last 15 years as a tm mgr for fostering & adoption. It sounds like you are heading for adult services, which I think is less stressful than children's services, especially child protection. I loved my job and feel really fortunate that things weren't too bad at all then, and we had sufficient resources to do a reasonable job. My team were lovely - most of us working together for 10 plus years. We were like a family really, we had lots of laughs but got the work done too. I am still in touch with my team and some are still working, and they tell of being in dire straits since this bloody govt have slashed the budgets of allpublic services. I'll shut up or I'll be off on a political rant!

As you've learned the hard way (same as me) that giving up meds is not always a good idea, and most certainly not the way you did it, quickly! I just don't get why people are so adverse to taking ADs - is it that they feel weak that they have to take an AD or what. I remember my conslt psych after my first episode telling me I needed to stay on the meds for at least 2 years to prevent relapse, and had I done that and come off them gradually I might have been ok, but afer trying and failing a few times, I just stayed on them for 14 years and had no problems. SO I became dependent on them and even when I came off them very gradually it caused a relapse.

SO take heed dear Hoochy (love the name!) and don't be in so much of a hurry to come off the meds this time. And stay on the thread cus I said so!!!

Glad to hear of your good productive day CinQ - I spent an hour or so in our little garden room "colouring in" and thought of you. I had some nice new books from Amazon. I should really be doing something more creative, like drawing (I'm not bad at that) or water colours, but for the mo I'm happy with the Colouring in..........I find my mind wanders down all sorts of tracks and memories come back that had been long forgotten. Very relaxing. Just re-read your post and confirms my suspicions about GPs not knowing much about mental health. I think sometimes it's "think of a number" I have a lovely GP and end of last year I asked if she could increase my meds as had a rough autumn and she did so without hesitation, another 25mg saying "does that seem about right!" When I saw the psych he was concerned that I was on such a high dose of these meds as they are "age related" - forgot to ask him what that means, but the GP clearly knew nothing about this.

Now we are just missing Miggsie I think, or have I missed you. Think I might have as folk are saying Hi to you. I'll go back and have a look.

Oh yes and Ed's lists.

Hope you're ok (ish) Vicar after that dreadful experience.

bassetfeet Sun 05-May-13 21:46:04

Church is where I go when all seems lost . Not local one but Abbey near .
Sit and get comfort . light candles . Pray . It helps hugely. Not an active Christian but the history and kindness in the church walls is special .Dont know why.. it just is . The care envelopes you somehow and soothes.

smile basset I know what you mean about the atmosphere and the peacefulfulness in an old church.

nana nice picture of you colouring in! Hmm your dosage story isn't encouraging either! When depression seems so common you'd think there would be a little more wisdom/expertise or at least guidance...

bassetfeet Sun 05-May-13 22:50:37

Posted this before but sums up this thread I think . x

Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible
Comfort of feeling safe with a person,
Having neither to weight thoughts,
Nor measure words--but pouring them
All right out--just as they are
Chaff and grain together,
Certain that a faithful hand will
Take and sift them,
Keep what is worth keeping,
And with the breath of kindness
Blow the rest away.

basset that is beautiful. And is a lovely summary of this place.

bassetfeet Sun 05-May-13 23:03:47

So pleased you like it CIQ . It resonates with me . good old mumsnet that got us all together . I hope those lurking feel able to come and chat .

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 05-May-13 23:18:58

that brought a lump to my throat basset. how lovely. and what a lovely legacy for these threads.
my work is done. smile

Wow. I came to bed early and have just spent 20mins catching up on the thread!

lem you sound exactly like me. You can be my new twin smile. I was doing pgce placement with lots of other external pressures. Think the pgce was the glue that was holding me together. I took a 4m break from pgce and think I was crumbling invisibly inside. Then I returned to pgce. And crack. I fell into a million little pieces. Amd as you describe it isn't so much the stress of the job per se. It is the fact that it has crippled my confidence and self esteem. I find it interesting that someone (nana?) Described you as being a perfectionist hence causing the huge demands of your time for a relatively small teaching load. Thay describes me PERFECTLY.
Anyway 6 weeks into treatment (fluoxetine) I felt EXACTLY as you describe. Almost worse than before the meds. And being sciency I tore myself into pieces trying to blame the meds for the downturn in the way I was feeling. Had a review by the gp. She doubled my dose. I was hugely sceptical. 2 weeks later I could see improvement. Hang in there. I think your sciency analytical brain is going into overdrive trying to rationalise the unrationalisable...which makes things worse. Your lack of confidence is adding to the burden of questions and rationalisation going around your head. The words that you right sound like exactly the sort of thing I would have written (and if you track down the old threads you will probably find them) at the end of last year. I have to say only feel as though the treacle I've been wading through hhas been getting thinner over the last 6 weeks or so.

vicar I am glad you are sounding a little more upbeat than you were yesterday. Stay strong.

Good to see you back nana you have so much experience to share (unfortunately).

Waves to everyone else....we are on a new page so can't remember what everyone is up to...someone was colouring in there garden room....but I can't remember who...don't think it was ciq though...but I picture a very picturesque mis marple svene with cane furniture and lots of overgrown looking green plants with huge leafs getting in the way everywhere.

Thankyou for the poem bassett I struggle with literay works but I could see meaning in that.

Waves to snowy silvery migsy and hooch...and where is our mrs motivator helles????

Now for my day. Feeling quite pleased with myself. Didn't do loads. In fact I was quite sluggish but think I got a good balance between work and rest.

smile up by 9.30. Dressed to level 3
smile swimming lessons for dd3
smile I have 1 less mouse in my garage. Safely released over the local park
smile 2-3 loads of washing.
smile dry washing put straight away instead of adding it to the dreaded pile waiting to be put away.

sad I had a nap. Neighbour took dd3 out for the afternoon...so I 'encouraged' dtds to go swimming...and whilst they were all gone I slept for about 90mins...

Right. Bedtime.

hoochymama1 Mon 06-May-13 09:08:58

Good morning lovely ladies! Waves to snowy,silvery , vicar, amazing poem bassett, thanks for the incredible wisdom nana. Lem and Edwina I was a teacher before during my first depression, I got targeted and bulllied in work due to a ghastly headangry, I too am a perfectionist and worked far too hard.
By doing something different I thought I'd solve the problem, but I have found that I'm still me, a person who is mentally ill with depression, and I have to engage with the meds this timeblush. Thanks Nana I'm in a good supportive team atm, I have 40 ish days left of placement. I was thinking of jobs afterwards but I've now got more real. I just want to get better.
I think MH is one of those very, very slow recovery things, give it time.
It's a beautiful day here but I really hate Bank holidays. This thread has given me permission to slob, and I might not move beyond 1 all day.
I too go to church, I just feel that god is a nice person and he likes me! What is good for me there is talking to other people, and it's comforting.
I feel sick and jittery, going to the GP on Friday as it will be almost a month I've been on these. I don't know if they are working for me or not! I though t I'd feel better by now, is this normal after 3 weeks? Is that early days?

LEMisdisappointed Mon 06-May-13 10:58:30

Morning everyone <waves to my cosmic twin - Ed grin> I have to ask, why you chose that name? I have a friend who has a huge crush on edwina currie, I often tease him about it - he's very right wing, poor sod, can't help it!

I'm level 3!!!! more by accident really.

Very stressed about money sad

Ed i don't think i have "met" Hellesbelles yet, where is she i wonder if she hasn't picked up on this new thread? Oh an you do know that you have to release the mice at least a mile away? I used to put them in a fish tank (obviously minus the water and fish) wait until we had five or six and then release them in the local woods.

Basset - those are lovely words and sums up how i feel about this thread.

Hoochy - hiya, i bet the bastard bullying head was a short-cut taker, i found this with my line manager, i would spend HOURS preparing a lesson and she would just grab something off TES online, literally minutes before the lesson and present it - she said this was what i should be doing, i tried it, some of the stuff on there was brilliant but other stuff, not so much (in fact they were quite rubbish and worryingly inaccurate) I just found this made me too anxious. But anyway, thats behind me now - i wont be following teaching as a career and feel OK with it. I am not sure what i want to do next - i'm 42 and probably running out of time tbh. Did you say what meds you are on? It can take a while for things to kick in and im experiencing similar - im about 6 weeks in and thinking back to the first time, i think i did this - felt good for the first week, then felt bloody terrible and had my dose increased. So hold on - it will get better. Im going back to my GP this week.

I am struggling with church at the moment - my DP doesn't believe, my DD doesn't like it and whilst i do care for my priest (he was the priest at my school when i was young, hes that old!) , he is a boring old stick in the mud even by catholic standards and i find it hard to get past. I have also, in the past couple of years, had something happen to me that has basically rocked my trust in religeon, or rather its officials, ironically, not the catholic church but it has really shattered some illusions for me - i can't talk about it as im ashamed, i'm very angry about it because i think it has taken my faith away from me (not that i don't believe) but i don't feel i am able to be in a church without thinking about it and feeling so very bad. Its a shame because i find so much comfort in the catholic rituals - probably just becaue they remind me of when i was a child but this has been smited really now. angry I am angry because it was partly my fault but I will never see certain parts of the church in the same way again.

Nana I do have an older DD, i don't talk about her much in terms of day to day family life because she is 22 now and lives with her DP, shes a lovely girl, our relationship is one more of friends than mother and dauhghter, i wish we were closer though - I am seeing her today but only because she is doing a stall in the local may fair. She lives about 20 miles awy and works long hours - im so proud of her. She's a rebel but kind hearted and will do anything for anyone, but she wont be pushed around, she's lush smile They have a great flat, on the seafront - beautiful view. I dont know if he is "the one" but well, its been 5 years now so maybe. I have told her im too young to be a grandma!!

CIQ hows things? Snowy? are you feeling brighter today - like i said, don't worry if you feel crappy, i think your good news may have put you on a high and i think we (everyone) invevitably can feel a bit of a come down. I could of course be wrong but I hope you are OK.

I am just off to the local mayday celebrations - always a challenge, I have a phobia of morris men blush grin I am like a cat on a hot tin roof at these things. tee hee

Hugs to you all - have a good day xxxx

hoochymama1 Mon 06-May-13 11:20:12

Ooh Lem have a good day! Just got an invite from the neighbours for a barbie but turned them down, all I want to do is curl up on the sofa, and read, and cuddle a hot water bottle. DS's are studying, one doing GCSE's one doing A levels, i feel such a crap mumsad.
DH has gone to work all day.
I'm an anglican Lem- catholic lite?! But I'm sorry you had such a bad experience, there are ar****es everywhere, including the church shock.
Lots of love to everyonesmile.

SnowyMouse Mon 06-May-13 12:10:12

Nothing wrong re: wanting to curl up. What people are saying about highs makes sense confused

I think I'll have a quiet day, not motivated to do more decluttering.

LEMisdisappointed Mon 06-May-13 14:31:55

Hoochy - i'd pick curling up with a book over a BBQ any day of the week, i don't really like social event when im well. So certainly nowt wrong with doing just that. What book do you have?

Just came back from the May fair, loads of people, lots of old tat on the stalls, apart from my DDs stall of course. They were doing really well, very proud of her, she looks like a 1950's film star grin

I'm enjoying being out of the sun, i forgot to take my meds this morning, i must take one in a bit.

Too hot for decluttering snowy - put your feet up xx

SnowyMouse Mon 06-May-13 15:33:31

Thanks LEM, I think I will. smile Nice day for a fair.

Unfortunatelyanxious Mon 06-May-13 17:39:00

Just caught up, very sorry to hear about the supervisor at work Vicar that is not just bullying its even worse it is discrimination. He needs to be formally disciplined for this, I would imagine it would be a written warning if first offence. It is too serious for a verbal warning.

I have been having an absolutely awful couple of days the only thing that has got me through is diazepam. I am calming a bit now but have been hugely agitated with rather amazing swings in my mood. This is the reason I think I may be bi polar and am now exhausted by it all.

I hate feeling down, but the agitation is far worse.
My anxiety has now kicked in very badly as I calm.

I did use the ridiculous amount of agitation I had to sort put DS room and did stuff like clean out the bathroom cabinet.

Love to all

LEMisdisappointed Mon 06-May-13 18:03:44

Sorry you are feeling rubbish UA - i hope you feel better soon. Its been a funny sort of weekend.

bassetfeet Mon 06-May-13 18:04:03

Afternoon all smile

LEM your daughter sounds delightful . I love fairs and tat..the dog shows .... You sound as though the sun has helped a bit . Hope so x

Snowy Good idea to put feet up today . Have you anything tasty for tea ? I have made fish pie with something lurking in the freezer . Cheated and used frozen mash . Smells ok so far hmm.

Hi Hoochy nice to meet you [hugs Hoochy to ample bosom ]. Hope you are having a perfect slob day and it is so allowed here .

ED your lists of stuff done makes me sweat without leaving my chair .
You so underestimate how fabulously you are doing . I so love your crochet toys ...the attention to detail /the tiny turns and sewing needed.
That tells me you have very fine tuned skills re focus . Practical skills for now but the scientist in you also .The perfectionist oh yes x

Nana your posts are brimming with care and support flowers . Unique as I see you in my mind as I read them and the image is so comforting and kind . That head monster is asleep thank goodness for now and hopefully for the future with your med combination . Agree fully re brain chemistry. If we need meds to sort the serotonin then so be it and if we need to take for life then that is fine too. Wise lady x

Vicar Ah our cheer leader grin. So proud of you for making a complaint . So so justified. Understand that you cannot now comment anymore re work . Best off internet sites and it is sensible as you know.
I am so looking forward to hearing your plans for your horse . I love to read about the jewel sisters ....so dont go AWOL . XXX

Silvery where are you ? Hope you arent getting up to mischief wink.

CIQ I hope you are having a good day . Your compassion and wisdom leap from your posts . xx

It is interesting to read back over posts and see how many of you were in education and highly qualified . The rest of us seem to have been in people centred work . The perfectionist in us all seems to be the common link that lead to the meltdown .
I must add here that my musings are only to this thread and so not making random post re others who are struggling with us with different background .not at all . This hell affects too many of us for that .

Helles ..where are you ?

Hug to anyone I have missed . I hug even thought it is not mumsnet speak . Bugger that .

Been up to see my younger son today . He is sorting his garden . Had to laugh though . This lad hoovers constantly and shakes cushions when you stand up confused . The same lad that ..oh well you guess in his childhood home . Dog was ecstatic to see me and did puppy dance and went all squirmy . Fed him a treat or two behind sons back .
wont do it with future grand kids though . Mumsnet has taught me that thank goodness.
Hope you all have nice evening .brew wine x

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 06-May-13 18:18:39

basset am struggling tbh. Just lack of motivation. Nothing naughty till Weds at the earliest, am trying to make the bedroom less like a rubbish dump blush v v slowly but am gritting my teeth and getting there. It is just overwhelm, I will get a handle on this.

Sorry, not replying to all atm, also wonder about Helles though.

Quicky from me.

basset your words are so tender and so uplifting. You are a huge asset to this thread.

lem I had read 1km away, which it would have been, although probably not a mile. The fact that it wasn't an adult mouse I am also hoping that a shorter distance would be sufficient. After a live catch and release I am considering using a live trap for the rest rather than poison...

I will be back later. Tea is almost ready...

SnowyMouse Mon 06-May-13 18:22:41

Sounds nasty UA, I hope things settle for you.

That's a helpful round up, basset smile

Thanks, I'll take a brew and a nice evening to you too!

bassetfeet Mon 06-May-13 18:27:36

hey so sorry to read this Silvery . I honestly do get the lack of motivation and how overwhelming it all gets.
Sometimes it is better to just let the whole crap go for a day or two and stop forcing ourselves .
You are wise and know yourself best of course flowers .
I cant yet garden or do much housework without gnashing my teeth to shreds either . But still cook and put stuff in washer now and then .
Thinking of you x

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 06-May-13 18:31:43

Hah, I am a past master at the letting the crap go for a day basset grin That's why I need to get off my arse now, plus the garden seems to want to keep growing! but is just going to have to grow...

bassetfeet Mon 06-May-13 18:39:34

I hate that bastard grass also ..dont mention the weeds .....oh am with you Silvery . Best to rename it a wildlife garden grin.

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 06-May-13 19:11:47

evening everyone.

also wondering where helles is - and the other hels also....wish mamakoula would pop back to let us know how its going to.

thank you for the encouragement everyone re work - it really shook me. im ok now i think. Its time i stood up for myself though. so i am.

ive had today off, so dh and i went to a common to walk the dog (1 1/2 hours! she was knackered!) she had a hair cut yesterday and we have had her on a diet and she looks so much better.
so now ive got to get on a diet...wil start on shopping day. need to lose at least 10lb.
also need to start to run again due to fitness tests coming in this year.

im going to go and run a bath now, let the jewel sisters have a free range in the bathroom and do my homework for counselling tomorrow.

back to work tomorrow so best move myself....

Hi everyone,

what a lot of lovely posts today smile have spent 15 mins catching up! But apol if I miss anyone. Hi Vicar, SPC hope you're hanging in there.

Ed I think you're spot on with your comments about over-analysing how we are, whats the illness, whats the drugs... def something I'm guilty of too. Interesting to hear about the effect of your increase of fluoxetine. You sound pretty busy - good effort!

LEM another 42 yr old here wink Sorry to hear you're struggling with church - and not at all surprising given a bad experience, DH and DD. Mine struggle with church (its boring) but we have a little sunday school type session for some of mass which helps. Our priest is 84, all the priests around here are in their 80s... Really lovely to hear about your DD and I bet you were so proud of her at the fair smile

Hoochy I've started to come round to your way of thinking re: very very slow recovery. I can see I'm better since Jan but there's still a long way to go imo. Not sure if I've missed what your placement is but good for you for managing to keep it up! Nice to hear your comments about god and nice people at church. I think three weeks is pretty early days to be honest and it may be that you need an increase in dose to see a more significant improvement. Just be honest (as I'm sure you are!) with your GP about how you're feeling, what you're able/not able to do etc...

Basset thanks for your lovely kind words. Only this morning I was thinking the same thing about the amount of brain power and people-centred occupations going on here. Like you say, probably a lot of perfectionism too. Probably guilty of that. How did the fish pie turn out? I was not a perfectionist and opted for supermarket pizza on the lawn. A good plan. grin to hear about your sons dog. And sorry that you're gnashing your teeth over gardening and cleaning - do hope it starts to ease soon.

snowy hope you had a good restful day. Def too hot for decluttering!

UA really sorry to hear about your worse anxiety. That is so tough. Really hope it calms down soon. Seriously impressed you managed to get tidying and cleaning done tho - a v good way to put that agitation to good use.

I am collapsed on sofa - completely run out of steam. But haven't done badly for what has been a pretty active day with no respite. Got a bit of a lie in, then headed to nearby NT place (with about 1000 other people it turned out - queue to get into carpark had me feeling sick...) But we managed a little boat trip and I managed to keep the anxiety under control. DS had a friends party this pm and DD and I sorted out her summer clothes. DH feeling under the weather. It still freaks me when he's not himself as I panic its his depression coming back sad. I have a lot of stuff that needs to happen - sorting DS party, some new clothes, sandals for kids, my bedroom is a pit etc... but also trying to pace myself as DH is away Thurs - Sat which I am really not looking forward to. y Dsis is staying over Thurs night which is great and I am hoping she can do the kids bedtime as that's my least favourite thing at the end of the day! Have to go... DD pestering... hopefully back later.

xxxxxxxx

bassetfeet Mon 06-May-13 19:55:27

I missed your post somehow UA . Agitation sums the hell up .
Do you think you are bipolar ? You are under huge distress at the minute so things can be blurred . So sorry to read this .

I get the agitated feeling at night and rock constantly/pace the floor .
The only thing that helps is to focus on the sounds and sights around me .
Mindfulness they call it . Sip ice cold water and breathe the 5 inhales and 7 out or whatever . First aid I call it .
Hope this isnt patronising .....so not meant to be . Anxiety is beyond hell day in day out . You have so much to deal with and you will do it bless you .
hug xx

NanaNina Mon 06-May-13 21:33:36

Coo such a lot of posts - I day dreamed in the deckchair today in the sun, wondering about you all, and wondering where you lived and what you looked like!

Lem really glad you have a good relationship with your GP as this is so important. You won't I'm sure have to press for a referral to a psych if that's what you think you need, as she will probably be ok with it, if it is going to help. I was just thinking of some male GP thinking you wanted to "go over his head" (I know I shouldn't make blanket assertions about males! comes from my 1970s feminist days - remember them SPC?) In fairness most of the male GPs at my practice are very courteous and competent but I do have a lovely woman GP but you can never get an appt because she is so popular, but I ask if she will ring me (do all surgeries do this consultation by phone if you ring before 11) and she gives me an appt.

Oh before I forget Bassett thank you so much for that wonderful poem. I have copied it out to send to my 2 closest and dearest women friends. Do you know who wrote it.

Interesting that there is talk of religion/going to church on here. I was brought up as a Catholic and my parents were staunch Catholics till they died. I am now lapsed.......this sounds familiar - think I might have said all this before - if so sorry. Someone (maybe Bassett) said that church just seemed a restful place. I know that feeling especially if they are empty and you wonder in them by chance. In France on holiday one year we did this to get out of the heat and as if my magic some wonderful singing started (no it wasn't the heavenly angels, but a choir practice!) I always light a candle and sit and think at such times.

My son and dil and g/chdrn live in the republic of Ireland which is Catholic and when I am there I do go to mass, and all my childhood memories come back. Mind when I was a kid, the mass was Latin and seemed so much longer.....Lem I do hope you don't mean what I think you might mean when you talk of some incident/experience making you "lose" your faith. The thing is for me that Catholics still teach the "creation theory" and this just doesn't make any sense at all now that we know so much about the evolution theory. As a scientist Lem you surely can't believe in that "creation theory"??? I remember as a kid asking difficult questions and being told by teachers that it was a "mystery of faith" hmm ....I didn't really swallow that then and I certainly don't now. The other thing is all the sexual abuse that has gone on with Catholic priests over the years, which has been swept under the carpet. Sorry I'm pretty sure I'm repeating myself.

UA so sorry you are having such a grim time, and I know that your sister has bipolar disorder, and that you could possibly be diagnosed with the illness. Would it be better if/when you are properly diagnosed so that you can get the right treatment. A friend of a friend has bipolar and she manages very well so long as she takes the meds, but has to have regular blood tests related to the drug she takes (lithium) I think. I read a book by Kay Redfield called the "Unquiet Mind" - she is a psychiatrist with bi-polar and I'm sure you could get it from Amazon if you wanted it. I read it long before I was struck down with mental illness but remember being very impressed with her ability to try as far as possible to get control over the illness.

Ed It was me colouring in the little garden room. Hope that doesn't sound pretentious. It is a little room (so can't call it a conservatory) and we have only had it for a couple of years with the money that DPs dad left us when he died. It replaced an old coal house that had been here since we moved in in 1975! It is a lovely room, with glass doors and nice big windows, and yes a few plants and comfy chairs. We don't really use it that much so I like to use it in the light summer evenings. I am nowhere near as slim or serene as Miss Marples though, with her little bun and intent expression! Incidentally I did say I wondered if Lem was a perfectionist, rather than diagnosing her!!

Your posts always make me smile and I found myself wondering about you and your girls this afternoon in the sun!

Hoochy yes I think 3 weeks is "early days" and I think you mentioned back along that you were starting to feel better, and you are managing your placement too. I had a really bad start in my social work training (it was CQSW in those days) and it was 2 years in college but we were out on placement within the first 2 months. My first placement was a real ordeal. My little boy was only 6 and had to be looked after after school and my eldest son was 12 but I had been at home for most of those years, so going out and doing the course was a big deal. My supervisor was a pernickity little chap (I later found out I was his first student) I just felt so out of my depth and remember crying on my way to work and was not mentally ill then, though thinking about it, it does suggest that I had a big reaction to the stress I felt.

I think you are between a rock and a hard place with teaching and social work to be honest. Public services in my experience run on goodwill. I used to routinely work around 50 hours in my first years (instead of my 37.5) until I became more confident. Mind I did love my job and feel I was very fortunate to have a job I loved. I saw such poverty and people existing on the margins of society, without any hope of anything better really.

Hello to everyone else. Incidentally is anyone on FB. My dil got me on it, and I love it cus I get to see photos of my grandchildren and keep in touch with my many nieces, nephews, great ns and nphs and even great great ones! My lovely grand daughter has just turned 13 and is allowed on FB so it's lovely to "talk" to her and have a nosey at what she's doing! though I see her every week.

Yes there is a lot of brain power on here Basset and people centred occupations. I would love to volunteer for Samaritans, but not sure I'd be accepted - depression took away my confidence. My close friend is a Sams volunteer and says that 80% of the calls and e mails are mental health related.

All for now.........think I've said quite enough!!

LEMisdisappointed Mon 06-May-13 22:03:16

Nana its interesting, I am always astounded, as a biologist, how complex living things are, and further than that, as I am sure Ed will agree with her physics teaching the structure and complexity at even the atomic level. People have asked me how i can still believe in God - i find that being a scientist re-enforces my faith because nothing that complicated can just happen. I feel tht quite strongly and i would go as far as to say that some sort of deity really could be explained by physics, but thats my own musingss. As to whether its a god as described by any religeon I don't know. Interestingly, i think if i didn't already have catholicism as a religeon, wiht my limited (very) knowledge of other religeons, I would be more drawn towards hinduism.

I don't consider myself a perfectionist, i wish i was!

Evening all.

Just a quickie from me.

Haven't done much today. Took dtds to the shopping centre to spend birthday money. Was out 4+hrs. Was knackered. Had afternoon/early evening nap. Dd3 was adopted by my lovely neighbour at 9.30am and didn't return home until 6.30pm.

I don't feel as if I have done anything productive today. But it is a bank holiday so I am allowed a day of nothingness tight?!?

Oh and I'm in bed early. Thats a plus point....

But I have 4 girls coming for a sleepover next weekend...I have a house to blitz. I need to pace myself and not leave it all to the last minute....

Unfortunatelyanxious Mon 06-May-13 23:05:06

Bassett will try the water sipping, willing to try anything really.
NN my dsis does have bi polar, I never thought I could but hers is very severe, lots of being sectioned. I have read quite a bit of stuff online about bi polar recently and think I really may have it but on the milder side CIQ I was also amazed I managed it, am pooped now but I have to occupy myself with easy mundane stuff otherwise I get terrible racing thoughts.

Everyone is so lovely on this thread, thanks to all and. LEM and Snowy for yor kind words.

DS went out to the park today with his friends, I always fret but am trying so hard to limit the effects of my illness on him

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 06-May-13 23:20:39

evening again all.

think i may go to OTBT to update on complaint etc etc.

im struggling now to keep up with the thread and everyones posts, which i am really sorry about.

i bloody hate being back at work....

HellesBelles396 Tue 07-May-13 07:34:58

I just checked to see how you all are - I was worried when there wasn't anything recent on the old thread but quickly tracked down a quirky title on mh.

The counselling is intense and I need and still need to work through that. I guess I'm focussing on me for a while and the things I enjoy rather than on the depression and what problems it causes.

love and best wishes to all.

LEMisdisappointed Tue 07-May-13 09:26:36

Vicar - do give us a link if you do xxx We all support you x

Morning everyone.
Just read back and realised I left nana out yest sorry. Lovely to think of u colouring in your garden room -sons like a lovely place.

I completely conked out yest eve still pretty wiped today but have counselling so must get up in a mo. I have started keeping a log, just two lines summarising my dep and anxiety levels and major activity each day to try and get a sense of proportion of Good and bad days. It's hard to quantify as even good days have some element of one or both. But then if you're well they often do too. I am finding it hard to know how much is illness and how much just me. My dh says I've been depressed for quite a time, and I know I've never been great at getting up in the morning. Is any of that a recurring mild depression or just my not very relaxed personality? Sorry this all sounds very self-absorbed but I'm finding it hard to know where I end and the depression begins. I know, too much over analysing! Bit apprehensive about counselling. Last week was tough, wiped me out tue and I'm sure contributed to a tough Wed and Thurs. I still have the meds question in my mind, tho anxiety has been better than last Thursday. Thinking about changing but I've also read plenty of posts from people on citalopram or sertraline who still experience significant Anxiety. The other thing that makes it hard to assess how I'm doing is the fact that I'm not actually doing a whole lot dh bless him is doing more childcare and household stuff and school runs etc. Hey Ho. Must drag myself out of bed in a mo...

Hope everyone has an ok day and t Thanks again vicar for this wonderful thread x

Aargh sorry no para breaks. Still getting used to posting from phone x

LEMisdisappointed Tue 07-May-13 09:43:44

There is a difference between being depressed and being pissed off or just feeling down isn't there? I know i can have up times but generally this past few weeks they have felt hollow which i suppose is a good indication of depression? I just wondered how the rest of you differentiate from when you are just pissed off and feeling depressed? Everyone gets pissed off, so do people with depression, or is it worse? no different? Just a passing thought really - any thoughts?

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 07-May-13 13:53:16

Hello all, just popping to say managed to get it together late yesterday, and to thank you for your support.

LEM that's exactly what I mean. At the mo often good times have an empty ring to them and my default is feeling low. But clearly if you're not depressed you don't feel great All the time! Over-analysing? Me?!

SPC Great to hear, hope you're doing OK today.

SnowyMouse Tue 07-May-13 14:15:49

Good afternoon all. I'm trying to make a relapse prevention plan/identify early warning signs..harder than it sounds as I don't watch myself hmm CPN said to ask friends and family what they noticed.

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 07-May-13 14:35:26

snowy worth looking at your old posts, or would that be triggering?

SnowyMouse Tue 07-May-13 16:11:29

It might do. I had made a list, but the cpn suggested I was already unwell with all the things I noticed:

- harder to talk with strangers/ hard to talk to anyone
-voices telling me what to do and what not to do
- being so distracted that I lose tablets/step out into the road without thinking
- voices telling me to do harmful things/to self
- voices telling me not to talk to pychiatrist/other professionals /people at all
- voices talking about me
- harder to get to sleep/stay asleep
- feeling there's someone there when I wake at night
- feeling low/hopeless
- wanting to leave the room/actually leaving the room

She said things like low mood, not sleeping or not making contact with friends.

SnowyMouse Tue 07-May-13 16:31:40

That ligature thread is challenging (though it is true that MH issues are not an excuse for 'bad' behaviour). I don't know how it would feel as I live alone. I've seen patients charged/prosecuted for things like broken windows/plates.

bassetfeet Tue 07-May-13 17:36:35

Hi Snowy your list seems to be comprehensive and intuitive re your voices and emotional state . I found it very helpful to read .
Would it help to record on here your daily mood diary so you could see a pattern ? Then maybe we could help also without being intrusive ?
Just so pleased to see your name pop up and your posts anyway smile

SnowyMouse Tue 07-May-13 17:41:55

That list is for when I'm already unwell, it's not like that all the time, and even when I'm unwell it's a spectrum rather than being definitely one or the other.

Thanks basset that's kind of you. smile

bassetfeet Tue 07-May-13 17:44:35

Ah I understand now Snowy.

bassetfeet Tue 07-May-13 18:22:34

Evening all smile

Gorgeous day here and nothing done chez moi . I so want to get my mojo back ....have some energy .....get my home and garden into shape and get some control back re my surroundings . It is always tomorrow . All seems to much . I would love a garden and house fairy to get me started and sort it ..then just maintenance rather than the real mess and neglect .

I have been dreaming of a garden room like Nana has . Love the image and the word garden room grin. So much nicer than conservatory or "lean to" of old . Funny how we all get images of each other through writing . Meeting would spoil the magic x

LEM Depression versus being down and pissed off . No contest is there really. Depression is like wading through treacle to wash /comb hair. We know that ..so hope you are feeling better .
I know when I am going down when I ask myself if I won five grand today on scratchcard how would I feel . Like so many of us money worries are huge so it would be a fabulous thing . I know I am spiraling down when it would mean absolutely nothing at all . Empty and avoiding people . Hope you are feeling ok today when your Dh is at work and your daughter at school .x

Silvery glad you got sorted later yesterday . Need some wisdom re getting going if you can smile

Helles so good to see your post and take care of yourself .

CIQ I hope you are home after counselling and resting as best you can with young children . So tiring . It took me a long time to realise that this illness is a long haul . Patience and no self flagellation thinking we should be better tomorrow . It took a long time to get us to this state so will take time to recover I think flowers.

Hi to ED and the lovely Vicar .........Hoochie and UA . XX

hoochymama1 Tue 07-May-13 19:48:06

So brilliant to read everyone's posts. It's a beautiful evening here and I can hear a blackbird in the garden..It doesn't care that the garden is a scruffy mess!
I knew I was getting depressed cos even when things were going well I just felt so down and empty-'wading through treacle' like basset says. I find it hard to quantify how I feel tho. I've got through today, and that's as good as it gets for me at the mo.
Feel sooo tired and going to bed mega early each evening. In the day I feel so fuzzy headed, and feel as if I'm 'pretending' to be 'normal'confused.
Your posts are really keeping me going.Thank youflowers x

LEMisdisappointed Tue 07-May-13 20:37:27

Hello everyone

Snowy - yes, that thread was ugly, i really hope that couple are able to sort things out. The prejudice was astounding, but i think it was more the men-haters than anything else sad I hope that your recovery continues an that you can start to enjoy the summer.

I have had a reasonably good day today - although i have pretty much done bugger all - perhaps that is why!! I managed to spend some time chatting to a friend on line and got some things straight in my head. I forgot to take my meds, ive only just took them, i hope that wasn't the reason why i felt brighter. I did feel frustrated about not doing anything but i think it did me good - I did manage to get some shopping done and sort the washing up. Had to walk DD to her afterschool activity, its a half hour walk and a lovely walk so maybe that has helped too.

Heres hoping everyone is doing well xxx

Hoochymumma, nice to hear about your blackbird. I have either a blackbird or a thrush nesting in the side of my house, there is a gap where there was an old pipe coming from DDs room where there used to be a sink. They have nested in there and yesterday i was sat in the garden while the mother was tooing and froing with worms. The only thing i am worried about is that it i high up and i worry that the babies will just fall as there isn't a tree nearby for them to fly to - i am thinking about making some sort of ledge for them, but i dont want to scare the mother. What to do, what to do?

I love this thread - everyone's ups, and even the downs, its my lifeline at the moment.

Got another text from the MH woman, asking if i had heard from the counsellors, i said yes, on waiting list, worried as was having worrying thoughts last week - she hasn't replied. Im not impressed.

Unfortunatelyanxious Tue 07-May-13 21:05:43

Evening everyone, well saw the ligature thread and commented and left me feeling sad and angry at some of the comments. I just hate the way people always assume selfishness and self indulgence.

No wonder people feel as if they have to hide their issues. I actually think not being able to come out with MH issues can make them worse.

I had an ill DS today which increased my anxiety though he seems fine now. Have been up since 5.30 am much to my annoyance and now HR and my managers want to change our meeting date as someone is not available. I just need it to be here.

Love to everyone, I can't tell you all how much this thread gets me through the day.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 07-May-13 21:24:49

evening everyone.

im tired. i had a very successful counselling appt today before work.

i feel better though - the counsellor is wonderful. I felt so much better after this appt. CBT is going to take practice but she showed me today that i am good enough, (she actually said we need another session on how im actually better than some) that mistakes are ok, that a relapse is ok, and that i have no assertiveness issues at all. (she forgot my cuppa so i asked for it! smile
i told her about the issue at work re the complaint - she was outraged but punched the air when i told her what i had done. She also said she could think of several people off the top of her head who could not have handled that situation assertively but non aggressively.
she also said she would rue the day if i ever leave the job. She made me feel worthwhile.

slight blip when i got to work, but its ok. i get the distinct impression that no one thinks ive done the right thing making anything official but its done now, and i feel i did the right thing. i still feel that.

LEMisdisappointed Tue 07-May-13 21:29:46

This is good to read Vicar - and you dont need me to tell you, of course you did the right thing, If people like you don't stand up the the bullies, they will just continue to make peoples lives a misery. Well done xxx

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 07-May-13 21:35:55

thanks lem - i feel a bit awful as im not getting time to catch up properly on the thread, then when i do its moved on such a lot! (which is a good thing btw!) but i just hope no one thinks im an ignorant cow!

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 07-May-13 21:36:15

(on here i mean!)

SnowyMouse Tue 07-May-13 21:42:35

Of course not vicar!

Good night all, sweet dreams.

GracieLoo Tue 07-May-13 22:11:00

Wish I was part of this thread, you all sound so lovely!

LEMisdisappointed Tue 07-May-13 22:15:28

Gracie - you are now!!! everyone is welcome - if you want to share your story, please do, you will find lots of support, or if you just want to chip in every now and then, thats OK too. Its a very supportive place, no judging in this thread, just hand holding and encouragement xx

bassetfeet Tue 07-May-13 22:21:46

Gracie please come and join us here. As LEM says we are all supportive and you can post whenever you want to .
Here have a brew and draw your chair up . x

Hi everyone, and Hi Gracie - do come and stay...

Thanks Basset I know what you mean about cleaning fairy. I was fortunate last week and had a friend's polish cleaner come round friday to clean downstairs - she only charged me £20 for 2.5 hours and she worked hard. Now I need to tackle upstairs as my bedroom has never been such a state as it is now. Can barely walk across floor for piles of crap stuff.

Counselling was good. I think she let me off gently today after I told her it seemed to take me three days to recover from last week's session wink and she said she got a glimpse of mischeviousness (spelling?!) which I really enjoyed hearing. Yes to the treacle and exhaustion. I popped to a couple of shops after counselling but the walk home took aaaaages as my legs seemed to be made of lead. Lunch then nap again... (despite going to bed early yest at 11). Wasn't doing too bad this pm, but then I took a chunk out of my thumb trying to open wendy house door for DD which threw me a bit and seemed to contribute to my inability to then cook dinner without serious clumsiness and anxiety. So dinner was 20mins late, not ideal when cooking for diabetic mil hmm. Anyhow have ordered some clothes for the kids online tonight so that's good.

Vicar so pleased to hear about your counselling session grin punching air here too that you're sticking to your guns about the complaint.

LEM great to hear you had a better day tho sorry your MH support is a bit crap. I know exactly what you mean about this thread tho. It is fab.

Hoochy great to hear you've got through today. I know what you mean about the fuzzy head and exhaustion, mine is a bit better than in Feb but still a challenge. Hope you get on OK tomorrow.

UA hope your DS is feeling better and hope you get your meeting sorted with minimum of stress.

Snowy that sounds like a good idea your plan - hope you find it helpful.

Hello to anyone I've missed.

Sleep well all x

Gosh I've just read that other thread sad appalling comments. And I think dangerous. Telling a severely depressed dad that you're going to leave him and take the kids could be fatal. Sobering to read some poor, poor responses, and great to see lots of you guys stepping in. I hope they get some help.

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 07-May-13 23:05:07

Cheesy though it sounds, my way of getting motivated is often to google 'motivation' and related stuff like that, and read a few random sites till something resonates.

Also, with the house, I try to start by cleaning the floor - although in practice this means starting by sorting and filing paper blush

I am solving the garden problem by getting a gardener in <hey, get me!> - it was worth the embarrassment of him having to look at all the dandylions - he (or rather his son) is going to start by digging them all out. He's only going to do the lawns (they are quite small), although he suggested weeding the borders. But I said I wanted to do that - so now I'm going to have to do it, aren't I.

bassetfeet Tue 07-May-13 23:12:33

SPC grin thanks for chuckle and wisdom .

Evening all.....I have a word of warning before I post....my blood alcohol level may be slightly elevated....but hopefully I can reign in any references to mountains etc....grin

I read the Ligature thread when there was only half a dozen posts and they seemed appropriate and supportive....I don't think I dare go back from what you say on this thread.

Welcome gracie...you've posted so now you are part of the lifeline as LEM describes it/

Vicar counselling sounds helpful. I have been seeing a therapist but she has made it clear that it isn't counselling....I wouldn't know how to access the latter.

Lem...difference between depression and being pissed off. My DTDs had some homework which I think would allow me to draw a good analalogy.
weather - what is happening today. What is happening now = being pissed off.
Climate - what happens consistently over a longer period = being depressed.
But just because the climate is hot and sunny doesn't mean you can't thrown in the odd day where the weather is cold and rainy (or vice versa).
Without the analogy I would agree with depression being about wading through treacle. struggling to function and carry out 'basic' everyday tasks (personal hygiene, housework, 'paperwork' etc.).

I've kind of lost what everyone else is up to....so I shall just wave to nana, silvery, snowy, mama, helles (good to see you are still around) vicar, ciq and all lurkers.

My day:

Bad nights sleep.....kept waking....
School run...
Put a load of washing in
put 7 items of clothing away (my thearpaist has told me to chunk it down and don't tackle the whole pile in one go).
Back to bed to read and nap
Shopping
Empty dishwasher

So don't feel I have had a hugely productive day. I went shopping as a task avoidance exercise.....sleepover is looming closer....tasks are accumulating and burnout will ensure.

Oh and I need to bath/shower;. I think today is day 10 since my last shower. I bought a new maxi dress today.....I will shower and wear it tomorrow....unless it chucks it down with rain as forecast....

<Oh and my gardfen if overriffen with Dandilions.....but my guinea pig eats them so that's my excuse....>

Oh and a HUGE plus...I did dd3s spellings with her...k think thats twice in 2 days....which is probably twice this month grin blush

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 08-May-13 00:43:31

ed my counselling is through work - and i have been so fortunate as to kiss a frog first and then find the most amazing counsellor. the first one, as good as he might be, was a judgemental ass about my son.

the second got straight to the issues. did rewind (which i put to the test this week - can absolutely say that rewind therapy works....its the first time in my life i have been able to recount certain things without shaking and crying.)

she is wonderful. 2 sessions with her again and i feel so much better. she was quite harsh with me today in that she would not let me get away with putting myself down, and pulled me up on it.
she made me responsible for my own thoughts.
ive made friends with the abused little girl that i was, but its time to get on with my life now and stop self sabotaging.

Morning. Thanks vicar.

Very groggy here.

Baaad nights sleep...1.30 when I settled.
Struggled to get to sleep
Woke several times...car alarms...dd3 climbing in with me...sleeping next to a starfish.
Very nauseous. ...prob due to tiredness.

I have changed the washing over
I am almost on top of my dirty laundry....of course I will never catch up due to the nature of the beast but another load later today should have me back at a daily maintenance level iyswim.

I have put bins out for bin day.

I am back in bed...won't be wearing my dress as weather is hideous here.

Wishing you all a good day.

SnowyMouse Wed 08-May-13 10:02:21

I feel washed out, better night than yours though Ed, I'm sorry you had such a bad one. Well done with the laundry smile The counselling sounds good vicar

Patient group this afternoon for me confused, I need to work out if there's anything I want to discuss.

Morning all

Hi Ed sorry to hear about your bad night. But well done on the washing front. I am nearly back to maintenance level need to get at least one load on today... Definitely a bed day - weather here pants too. Take care.

snowy its hard work isn't it... I know that washed out feeling... Any ideas for your patient's group?

I am completely wiped out. I did school run on my own with kids (try and do that twice a week at mo) then came home to start tidying and dusting my horrible bedroom. One and half hours later it is less dusty and looking better, though still summer/winter clothes to sort.

Not helped by the fact that my DH is completely wiped with some sort of virus, and I'm trying to look after him, but feeling guilty because I'm finding it very difficult as I barely have the energy to get me through the day. He's also fed up as he's supposed to be walking on the south downs thurs and fri with his best friend, but its unlikely that's going to happen.

I was planning to do another big walk today with my dad, but because of DH illness I've suggested he stay at home. So I really have to pace myself as I will have to do all the cooking and childcare and washing up etc today...

Hope everyone else is doing OK x

NanaNina Wed 08-May-13 11:42:27

Have just realised I don't need to go to the last page to post, which means I can look upthread and respond to posts on that page! DOH! Well I think I can but am sending this as a test!

Yep that worked nana smile

NanaNina Wed 08-May-13 12:16:22

Welcome Gracie I have read some of your posts and it does sound like you are really struggling, so hope you will get the support you need on thread.
CiQ counselling is very tiring and feeling emotionally drained is in my experience quite common, but I think it also shows that you are getting to grips with some painful stuff.
Lem (getting too clever for my own good here cus I'm trying to respond to posts that were made on previous page - I'm easily confused!) I really don't want to hi-jack this wonderful thread but can I just ask, following on from the "religious" question, do you believe that there is a life after death?

It's very strange that you posted about the "difference between being depressed and being pissed off" as the day before DP had asked if I thought sometimes I just woke up in a bad mood, rather than depressed. Hmmph ....NO! To me there is a world of difference between the nasty D word and feeling depressed, and I know there have been some helpful stuff about "wading through treacle" etc. Someone (might have been you Lem on next page) used the word "hollow" to describe depression and that resonated with me, as I feel "empty" when I am depressed and have no interest in anything.

However to be fair, because my mood has been fluctuating for 3 years plus, I have more or less forgotten what it's like to wake in the morning and not "scan my symptoms" (as in "am I ok or not"). However I DO most certainly know that depression (for me) is not time sensitive, nor weather sensitive, eg "Oh this weather is to blame, it doesn't help does it" NO it's nothing to do with the bloody weather! Not sure I really understood your analogy about weather Ed but certainly agree with your comments about not being able to cope with basic tasks. (Please don't worry about the 3 years, and think that will happen to you, because it is peculiar to my psychiatric history) Am considerable better since another AD was added to my prescription.

Ed you say you "went shopping as a task avoidance" exercise! Shopping takes a great deal of effort in my experience, especially food shopping and putting it away!

Vicar so so glad you have been fortunate enough to find a good, empathetic counsellor, you so need and deserve this after all you have been through. You mention this "re-wind" thing - is it EMDR (something to do with eye movements) I have heard so many MNs (not on this thread but on others) talk of how successful this therapy is, especially in dealing with buried trauma, because you don't have to "go through it all" as you do in psycho-dynamic therapy.

Snowy you are "washed out" today, is that because you didn't sleep well, or the effect of the meds, or a combincation of both maybe. Hope you"survive" the patient support group this afternoon. I'm sure it is meant to be helpful but I can imagine it is going to be an ordeal for you.

NanaNina Wed 08-May-13 12:25:02

Poo - this didn't work, because I haven't answered the posts on P6 - and my post would have been first on P7 if I had done that wouldn't it. OR am I being stupid?

I think it is partly affected by how many messages you have displayed on each page - you can change this in customise. I've only got 2 pages so far for this thread which makes it a bit more feasible to scroll back...

LEMisdisappointed Wed 08-May-13 12:37:39

Hello everyone - not done anything today and starting to get frustrated. Had odd call from agency yesterday, they have my CV on record bla bla - then got put through to woman dealing with my file - "have the compliance team not contacted you" err, no - she couldnt get me off the phone quick enough, didn't have time to ask if there was a problem. I suspect the original caller was looking at CVs and didnt realise i was at the reference collection stage (the stage that clearly buggered me up). So, thats that, its made me feel like shit though. Wasn't going to post really, don't want to monopolise thread because of my inability to be consise!

Nana - do i believe in life after death? I just don't know - I tend to think of things physically Ed might be albe to help me with this but there is a law in physics that states that the "Entropy of the universe tends towards maximum disorder" and that this is true (of any system) unless Energy is put in. It doesn't all fall apart though does it, so there is something holding everything together (God?). That doesn't answer the question - life after death - i think that yes, we do go on, but not in the state we are in now, this makes me sad. Another law of physics - "energy can be niether created or destroyed" Which almost, if you squint, could be read that God was not created, he just IS and always has been - it fits for me. I have to make it logical - of course it probably doesn't make sense to anyone else. I honestly think if i thought too long and hard about religeon i would change my faith! Sorry, that doesn't make any sense to me even!

RIGHT - I am going to tidy my DDs room - I AM going to do this today!

SnowyMouse Wed 08-May-13 12:56:48

Both NanaNina - got to put up with it for 2 months until I can rediscuss the meds.

I suppose at least it gets me out this afternoon.

GracieLoo Wed 08-May-13 14:08:56

Hi, thanks for all being welcoming. In a really horrible place right now so don't want to bring the thread down. I follow it every day, and it's reassuring to know I'm not alone. Don't feel like you have to ask after me, I'll just be here in the background!

Struggling now. DH very poorly. I think its worse cos it reminds me of what he was like when he was v depressed last year, I still remember how scary and hard it was, I worry that it's coming back (keep telling myself it's just an evil virus, but can't quell the lump in my throat and rising anxiety throughout). I need to go back up and encourage him to keep drinking as he can't seem to keep any food down sad. Finding it hard to keep calm. Twiddling hair again.

LEM how did you get on with DDs room? Also v interesting to hear your physicists perspective about God - and it made sense to me too. I don't think we can rationalise it all - there has to be an element of faith (whether its blind or seeing?!) I do believe in life after death, partly as a hope, but partly as a result of Jesus' time on earth.

Hope you get on OK this afternoon snowy

Nana hope your day's going OK. And yes to the walking through treacle/exhaustion - tidying bedroom was ridiculously hard work this morning.

Take care all x

Hi Gracie don't worry about bringing it down. We all have bad days here and it helps to get in down... We'll be thinking of you if you don't want to post - you are most definitely not alone x

hoochymama1 Wed 08-May-13 16:49:05

Hello Gracie and welcome to the thread! I lurked on here for weeks and have dipped my toe in and it really helps to tell a bunch of lovely strangers how I really feelblush
Thinking of you colouring, my thoughts race away with me when I'm afraid, it's only a virus, he'll get better soon.I twiddle my hair too- I used to pull it out shockbut I only twiddle these days.
Glad the counselling is going well for vicar I had a great counseller three years ago through work, it was really hard to stop after six sessions.
Ed, loved the weather/climate metaphor. That's helped me.
Love to the sweet, wise nana,I'm loving MH social work, I don't even know if I'll end up doing it I just want to get to the end of the course atm. Warm hugs for basset, and snowy.
Lem I know what you mean about faith, I just keep it simple and don't overthink it. I've found praying really comforting in the last few weeks, I do it in the car on the way to work/placement- other drivers must think I'm madhmm
A wave to anyone I've forgotten.
Glad to be back home now, I did really silly stuff today like leaving forms behind, and faxing off the wrong stuff, but i don't think I could get by at all without you lot right now smile

Unfortunatelyanxious Wed 08-May-13 16:52:01

My Dad has started to weaken more and is now hooked up to an iv with pain relief, guessing it is probably morphine. So very hard days, went to my day centre place and saw a support worker who helped me by listening. I also met a friend for lunch, she was very lovely. I just feel knackered.

Love to all and welcome to Gracieloo

hoochymama1 Wed 08-May-13 16:57:18

Thinking of you UA,and your father. It must be heartbreaking. Glad you were able to talk to the support worker. You poor darling X.

SnowyMouse Wed 08-May-13 17:03:07

Big hugs UA

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 08-May-13 17:07:29

Thinking of you UA and of your DF. Of course you feel knackered, take care, and wishing both of you peace.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 08-May-13 17:29:22

UA - So sorry to hear about your Dad, its a very difficult time but somehow you will get through it. I am glad you found someone to talk to about it today.

Gracie - you wont bring the thread down, we all have ups and downs here and that is what this thread is about, sharing both. You don't have to of course, but please don't feel worried about posting. I used to start threads when i felt bad but to be honest i found having to provide a backstory exhausting every time so that is why i find this thread so helpful because i can say i have had a good day, and waffle on, or had a bad day and waffle on.

CiQ - please try not to worry about your DH, he will be feeling rubbish and pissed off, especially as he is likely to miss out on his break sad But its just that, he is "just" ill. And remember, he's a man - man flu is a devestating illness ya knows wink

LEMisdisappointed Wed 08-May-13 17:35:24

Oh, i did good with the bedroom - it was an absolute pit blush I got a whole bin liner full of crap (this included me being ruthless with some plastic tatt) but i managed to get it done before the school run. So, just the whole rest of the house to do then!!

I have this really weird sort of phobia/anxiety and its that if i make the house nice i will probably jinx it and we will lose the house. I struggle with day to day cleaning due to this and tend to do the bare minimum to keep the place hygenic, although some people may not see it that way even shock Anything further is tempting fate - so doing DDs room is OK becaues its nice for her not to live in a pigsty even for a week. I struggled with this before and my counssellor at the time said it was due to laziness and i used the whole "jinx" thing was an excuse hmm I hate living in a crap house - DP has fallen into the rut now and there are so many repairs need doing - hes a carpenter FGS!!

bassetfeet Wed 08-May-13 17:35:52

Hi all smile

CIQ so sorry to read your Dh is poorly and well know the anxiety that you must be feeling . We become so watchful and live an edgy kind of life once a partner becomes ill again re mental or physical . Sounds very much like a nasty virus or tummy bug though poor lad .
Hope you both feel better tonight X

Been thinking today of us all and a quote from a much loved book keeps playing in my head . Cant find it now but it is along the lines of how we are all puttering along nicely and then something like illness or accident happens ....and that firm ground we walked on becomes unstable under out feet . Makes us unsure and afraid .......wary of where to step out next .......stumbling and falling . We cant go back to that naivety but for sure we can make a new path with good foundations to set out in .
We are all doing that here grin. The author puts it far more eloquently than me .

I am hugely interested in the discussion re afterlife that LEM,Nana and CIQ have broached on . Is it derailing ?
The scientific thoughts are so helpful . It scares me badly that there may be an afterlife .

Vicar delighted you have a good counseller . Dont worry if you cant come here as often now with work and stuff.........that is good in lots of ways is it not? We will ebb and flow like a river [with rapids and calm pools ] and all of us can pop in when we fancy . Give em jewel sisters a cuddle .

ED you always do far more than me house wise. So slap on back from me wink .

Snowy are you back from patient group ? Hope it went better than you feared . Well earned rest tonight for sure x

Waves to everyone else ....UA ,Hoochie,Gracie ,Miggsie and SPC.
Sure I have forgotten someone so sorry x

bassetfeet Wed 08-May-13 17:38:13

UA just seen your post . huge hug to you and your dad . xx

SnowyMouse Wed 08-May-13 18:02:27

It was ok, thanks for asking bassett, bit of drama but that's just how some people are.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 08-May-13 18:03:15

quick wave from me before i go off to get ready for work.

nana - "rewind" is different to "EDMR" and i have to say i think its better.
I was talking to someone who had EDMR but still got emotional when talking about their trauma. "rewind" takes the emotional response away from a memory - so its just a memory - it doesnt hurt to think about it. Its exceptional and works in one session, and you do it all in your head so you dont have to talk about the trauma.

SnowyMouse Wed 08-May-13 18:16:24

I hope work goes well vicar

Glabella Wed 08-May-13 19:07:46

Hi all, could I join you? I am just starting out tackling my depression which after a couple of counselling sessions I realised has been a part of my life for a long time. I left my emotionally abusive husband at Christmas and thought I was doing ok, but I am really struggling with it all and memories of my marriage and some awful stuff he did/said. It is all too much since I started counselling, its in my head all the time, i just want to disappear. I am on day 6 of citalopram but just feel so low, today I only got out of bed for an hour or so, then got so angry with ex husband and myself that I punched a wall (not a great idea, now my hand hurts as well as everything else). I had been muddling along fine, putting a brave face on but now it's all too much and I just can't make myself do it. I feel so pathetic. I have a lovely boyfriend who is so supportive but he's so worried about me, I wish I could pull myself together for his sake but I just can't.
Hugs to everyone else who has felt like this, it's awful!

hoochymama1 Wed 08-May-13 19:16:36

Hello Glabella and welcome! X

bassetfeet Wed 08-May-13 19:22:17

Hi Glabella of course join us . You have been having an awful time .
This thread is excellent in that we post when we want and when we want . No judgement . Just a chat sometimes to offload or get some advice and company .
6 days in on Cit is early days. Side effects can reach their peak but then do subside usually. Your GP will guide you re dosage and I hope you are being reviewed two weeks into meds starting. Is this happening?

You are not pathetic at all so shoo those thoughts away . Takes time to recover so be gentle with yourself . So good you have a lovely boyfriend.
It is bewildering feeling like this [hug] .....but it will get better flowers.

bassetfeet Wed 08-May-13 19:23:50

Doh ..when we want .

LEMisdisappointed Wed 08-May-13 19:30:55

Hello Glabella - as basset says, early days for the citalopram, it can feel totally shite when you first start on them as they take time to start working and have alot of side effects to start with, they usually only last a week or two. I am on citalopram too 20mg. Counselling is challenging too, im on the waiting list for mine but i have had it before, it can leave you feeling quite drained, but stick with it, its worth it. If you have a BF i assume (no assumptions or judging here!) that its early days - can you keep things "fun"? of course he is concerned for you, but you deserve to have some "time off" can you treat your time with him as a break from it all? Easier said than done i know. Im pleased you have found someone nice.

Basset is right - it gets better xx

NanaNina Wed 08-May-13 20:09:29

Hmm don't know how to customise CinQ I don't know how to customise, so I'm answering posts on this page and then another post on next page. I don't think I know your backstory C and think I recall you saying you weren't sure about meds or not? Sorry if I have that wrong. I didn't know your DH was very ill with depression last year. Did he take meds, and recover, or has he been up and down since then, as so many of us seem to be. So sorry to be asking so many questions, but wonder if your anxiety is related to your DH's episode of depression last year, although I know you are having counselling, so presumably you have some kind of psychological distress. Sorry this sounds all wrong, just trying to "get a handle" on your situation. Anyway deep breathing (short in breaths and longer out breaths) for the anxiety should help.

Lem have you been to the GP yet, as I thought this was imminent. Sorry the agency woman upset you - do you mean that you might not get a good reference from your former employer. I am not absolutely sure but I think since the Data Protection Act came in references can only be factual, stating the dates that you worked for the organisation.

Thanks for answering my question though I think you have left me standing a bit with the scientific stuff - interesting that you think we go on, but not as we are now. I have a friend who is a believer in anthroposphy (not spelled right!) but it is the teaching of Rudolf Steiner (there's a Steiner school very close to where I live) and the anthroposothists believe in reincarnation and so celebrate death because they believe that we pass on to a higher place. This was certainly tested out when another "Steiner" woman's 16 yr old daughter died in a car crash. I didn't know her but my friend told me about this.
Better not say much more or I will be hi-jacking the thread.

Oh Hoochy your beautifully kind words brought tears to my eyes! You are sounding much better by the way and you are holding down this placement and enjoying it to boot! Presumably you will be finished around June/early July if you are doing an MA. There's no shortage of jobs in social care. Do you think you will prefer Adult SC to Childrens?

Gracie come and tell us how you feel.

GracieLoo Wed 08-May-13 20:20:50

Nana I feel utterly worthless and pathetic right now. Still bawling my eyes out, managed to stop to get dd to bed, seeing no point in all this. Not sure what to say, don't want to repeat what i've said on my thread, shouldn't be on both threads sorry. I'm considering phoning crisis team I feel so awful, but not got the courage to yet.

You all sound so supportive and in control of your moods, or have some understanding. I've felt like this for too long and still can't sort this mess out in my head. This is the worst I think i've felt and I need my CPN, now she's left I feel lost.

Hi Glabella, welcome. Glad to hear you're getting some support for your depression. Like you I'm realising that my current depression is not a stranger to me, although I've only had mild/moderate episodes in the past. Like others have said, it's early days with the citalopram and counselling but you're doing the best you can combining the two. Hang in there, it does improve. I know its hard, but try and be kind to yourself.

UA so sorry to hear about your dad and sending hugs. I can well imagine you're exhausted, what you're experiencing is devastating at the best of times. Are you able to rest/sleep at night?

Basset that piece of writing sounds spot on.
snowy glad you survived the afternoon.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. DH is a little better this eve. Seems to be an evil headache/fever/sinusy virus. But I am a bit calmer about it all - thank you for being there.

Now I'm just utterly exhausted. I tidied my pit of a room which finished me off - sat on the sofa for 3 hours then went to get kids from school, went to the shoe shop to get them sandals. Home and ready meals in over. Dinner with kids, baths, bedtime stories etc, toast for DH and now I just can't move. There's a big pile of washing up to do (dishwasher broken) inc all the kids lunchbox stuff so it does need to happen but I'm not sure how.

Does anyone get a lump in their throat/oesophagus with anxiety? Today its felt like one of my pills has got stuck in my throat. I've had it before where I've woken up with it, so don't think anything's stuck. But it feels horrible. Assuming anxiety as have some tightness of chest, but nothing drastic.

Sorry this is another long one. I've found today really tough and its disheartening to feel this exhausted given I had three hours on the sofa and didn't cook...

Hello to everyone x

NanaNina Wed 08-May-13 20:29:57

So sorry UA that your dad is so poorly but do try to take care of yourself as well as you are very emotionally fragile at the moment. It's a tall order I know.

Bassett enjoyed your memories of what you read in the book - such comforting words. Re the issue of after life etc I think it would be hi-jacking this thread but we could always start another thread but not in MH. I only got on MH, and Fostering & Adoption occasionally so don't know where it would go!

Wow Vicar that re-wind therapy sounds like the business. Do you really only have to do it once? I worried that you were leaving the thread as you said you were going over to OBTO (or something similar) but looks like you're still here, even if you are knackered after work.

Snowy your sound so tolerant of people and so supportive of others. Wish I could offer more support but your posts are so short that I don't quite know how to do that....

Glabella welcome. Could it be that you are suffering from PTSD following such an abusive marriage. If so, the re-wind therapy that Vicar is mentioning might be helpful for you, OR the EMDR (you would need to google it) What sort of counselling are you having? Ditto to what others are saying about "early days" with citalopram and NO NO NO you are NOT pathetic. This is the depression talking - mental illness makes us feel guilty and even ashamed and we feel we should be able to do something to make it go away, but we don't feel like thqat with physical illness. It's just a nasty cruel trick that depression plays on us.

In case anyone wonders why there are 2 posts of mine, it is because I am trying to answer the posts on the specific pages, but it isn't really working!

Hi Gracie so sorry you're feeling so bad. If you think you're worse then your judgement sounds spot on in talking to crisis team. And its fine to post here too. We are not all in control of our moods but you so seem to be having a really tough time at the moment.

Hi Nana thanks for your kind words. I will try and summarise DH and my story:

Last 2 yrs v stressful at work - DH and I both worked for a lovely family business which was sold once (June 2011) and then taken over (Jan 2012) and changed into corporate nightmare place. DH depressed all last year, severely for several months, very scary. He had good GP support, is on Sertraline, had lots of CBT and is now well recovered. Made redundant a few months ago but seems ok planning freelance career. But I still worry about him a lot. Me - also looking back depressed beginning last year when take over announced, bit better in the spring for some sun and a little CBT.

But went downhill from summer. Left work - couldn't stand it any more and all friends had left. Started painting class Sep. DS (my youngest)started school. Missed my sunny lovely boy and had v depressed DH at home. Very anxious, stressed and angry - with hindsight cos I wasn't well either and was having to look after everyone whilst not well. Nov and Dec always v busy with half of our families birthdays plus Christmas plus DH... Then 27 Dec DD broke her leg v badly, ambulance, overnight hosp stay, ended up in plaster for 3 months, v tough for her and me. But mid Jan I just hit a wall, one weekend just could not get out of bed... saw GP 2 weeks later, and 2 weeks after that started fluoxetine. Awful side effects and also not a great GP who didn't pick up on anxiety despite having seen her lots in autumn with stomach probs. Anyhow, GP went on mat leave and new GP much better. Got v ill and suicidal, saw GP every day... Now am improved but still struggling with dep/anx, partic exhaustion, negative thoughts, anxious thoughts and anxiety symptoms. Paranoid I will end up like mother who has always been depressed and is very feeble now - as exhausted as I am permanently (also has bad coeliac). Don't want to be a depressed mum to my lovely kids. DD is already showing some signs of anxiety.

That's as short as I can do I'm afraid!

Thanks for reading x

LEMisdisappointed Wed 08-May-13 20:46:10

CiQ I don't get the lump in throat thing, well maybe i do, its not something that sticks in my mind but i have read that it is a common symptom of anxiety. I am glad your DH seems to be on the mend.

Nana - no i haven't been to the GP, i feel better (ish) but that isn't the reason, i don't want to be fobbed off so am pretty much going to see how it goes but the next time i feel bad make an emergency appointment. Does that make sense? I have to see her in the next couple of weeks anyway so will tell her i have been struggling.

Everyone is just so lovely on here.

Right I HAVE to wash up the kids lunch box things at least. Please send me some vibes with energy attached as am currently having trouble sitting upright!

www.anxietyguru.net/whats-causes-the-lump-in-your-throat interesting explanation of lump in the throat feeling. Basically - relax more wink

SnowyMouse Wed 08-May-13 21:08:58

I'm feeling very flat so not much to say. Thanks for the thought NanaNina

Good night all, sending good thoughts out.

GracieLoo Wed 08-May-13 21:23:20

Sorry I know some of you are struggling, it just feels like everyone else is coping better than me at the moment, I know that's not the case, I just feel really pathetic today. I follow each of your stories and relate to parts. I need to wash lunch box stuff too! Can't think straight so won't ramble on. Thanks for being so welcoming x

Gracie I have washed the lunch box stuff. Your turn x

bassetfeet Wed 08-May-13 21:37:09

Gracie come here you and have a cuddle . You are so not worthless.
You are not pathetic at all.
You write very eloquently and with a lot of insight ...your love for your little girl is so evident and very real.
You sound so lost and so sad . All of us here do understand how despairing you feel . The Suic word ........

Gracie call the team eh? Keep talking .......even if you just write here it helps to get it out and one of us will be around or on your other thread .

I PROMISE YOU [and dont say that lightly] that you will recover and feel better . You will not always feel like this .
I thought I would never ever recover some decent life and I did . And you will too .

just made a cuppa .here brew. xx

bassetfeet Wed 08-May-13 21:43:37

Actually have made large earthenware pot of the best Pg Tips

so brew all round ........CIQ you deserve one for lunch box washing x

LEMisdisappointed Wed 08-May-13 21:53:22

Yorkshire tea here smile the only obstacle is persuading DP to go and make it for me!!!

working9while5 Wed 08-May-13 21:58:38

Hi
I need to join in. I am having a crappy week. I am sick of having OCD. I haven't had active symptoms in ages but the last few days I am "off" in my head much more again. Nothing specifically anxious really, just feeling that feeling that everything isn't quite right and that urge to stop myself from thinking.

Have been doing a Mindfulness course and I am finding it hard going even though I have been doing Mindfulness for well over a year now, probably like 15 months. I'm on mat leave and was due back this week but have been signed off until end July. The day I was due back was just so beautifully glorious but I just felt that heaviness, the weight of a stone inside me. I am feeling a bit disconnected from everything right now apart from the kids and dh which is actually a blessed relief and much better than it was a few months ago.

Dh gets very watchful when I am "distracted" and I hate his anxiety about it <<rich of me>>. I have been doing a lot of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy stuff so I am forcing myself to do what I value and spend time with the kids and be present as much as I possibly can but it is hard and tiring and it interferes with my ability to do Mindfulness as I am so bloody exhausted. Psychiatrist tomorrow, I am always practically climbing the walls before I go there. Ugh. I know I always sound a million times worse than I actually am when I talk to them too because I get so anxious about just actually being in the building. I've tried to explain this but it never really gets heard.

Anyway, hello. Sorry for just bursting in here but I just had to let all of this out somewhere.

bassetfeet Wed 08-May-13 22:00:25

Ah LEM I send Yorkshire Tea bags [decaf] to my elder son abroad so often . I think he likes the pic on the box .
gently kick DP ........then harder..........wink.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 08-May-13 22:15:40

Had tea AND cake grin was nice

Hello working - are you on any meds? Have you considered that you might have PND that is exacerbating the OCD? You say you are under the psych so i would assume they will have ruled this out. Be kind to yourself and don't worry about freaking out tomorrow. What is it about being there that triggers you?

Thanks Basset have a biscuit with your tea wink Yorkshire Tea or Typhoo will be perfect smile

Hi working that sounds tough, but also you sound like you're really tackling it head on - well done I can well imagine its knackering. Glad to hear you've a psych appt tomorrow - hope you find it helpful. Take care x

working9while5 Wed 08-May-13 23:27:21

LEM it is a LONG story as to why it triggers me. Basically to cut that very long story very short, it involves my previous psych storming out on me in our last review and the CPN ditching me (last phoned me in November) because my baby went from 91st centile at birth to 0.4 centile and everyone thought my ongoing concerns about his weight were, well, OCD. I complained and had no response. I have a new psychiatrist now who is much much nicer but just being in the building makes me itch slightly. I was pretty lucky in that I had an excellent CBT therapist who was on board when all this happened and really advocated for me in a meeting so I have made good progress in moving on from it but it was all pretty difficult at the time and I am still a bit shocked by the behaviour of those two.

I'm on 100mg sertraline but they were keen for me to be on higher - initial psych aiming for the 200mg maximum dose but I am breastfeeding and wasn't prepared to go much higher than 100mg because I'm not particularly symptomatic and higher than 100mg can show up in breastmilk. It's okay and generally I don't really feel my OCD/symptoms are "about" chemicals in my brain, I think they are very much learned behaviour based on my history and personality to an extent (very academic/precise etc) so I am keen to work with it behaviourally rather than through meds. Just sometimes I would rather stop the world and get off as I guess we all feel sometimes smile

LEMisdisappointed Wed 08-May-13 23:30:22

I'm sorry you had a bad time working, I hope that they manage to get you back on track soon. x

Wow....so many newcomers. Can I welcome you all with a massive group hug Gracie, working, glabella and of course we must include all of the 'old timers' nana, silvery, snowy, mama, helles, hoochy, vicar, LEM, ciq, basset, UA and all lurkers.

The thread has moved on so much today and I am feeling a bit spaced out so apologies that I have largely lost track. I just want to send an extra special hug to UA. You are living the life that I was living this time last year. You are in my thoughts and you MUST take care to look after yourself both now and over the coming few weeks.

Quick summary of my day.

smile washing in machine.....but it is still there sad
sad morning nap....but I needed it smile
Had a long soak in the bath smile. Finished my book smile put my summer dress on even though it rained a lot sad
Cup of tea and gossip with a friend smile. Talked into continuing with Brownies until end of summer...

House is still nowhere near fit enough for a sleepover....and my coccyx is still nowhere near fit enough to drive to to Bournville at the weekend. My mind and body needs a break from DCs....its been a long 3 weeks.....

Anyhow....off to bed....need to pop to town tomorrow.....need to blitz the house........

Oh and I have been very very very short tempered with the DCs....really sniping at them for minimal reason.....sad

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 09-May-13 04:38:56

morning!
just nipping in to say welcome to the newbies and i hope you find this thread useful!

nana - im still here - i just thought id use the other place as and when i had some news on the complaint but so far i dont.....

i should have been in a few hours ago but got stuck on a job at work. so im just having a bite to eat and drink before zzzzzzzz time....my jewel ratty girls are all out playing so i may need a cuddle before bed....i got them a new toy today but they havent had a free range so they seem a bit desperate to get out of the cage! (despite all the toys!)

i think, im feeling ok. ish. im a bit rusty on some stuff at work - and ive done my back in again....but im ok and am managing to have a laugh and a joke at work.

also did some good work tonight - thought someone was going to kick off and managed to talk them down completely.....i feel less self conscious about how i handle things, though im still pants at the paperwork.....

also had an update from uni regards the assault on DS. I think the cops there have got it wrong (they have omitted to do something that they should have because it would have been filed under "slightly harder work" but i will give them the benefit of the doubt until i find out otherwise - but they better watch out if they think they are doing nothing with it....they havent followed a certain procedure that i know they should have. (insider info is quite useful sometimes)

anyway. i should have a cuddle with my ratty girls....dog is curled up next to me and the cats are on the prowl....my days off are in sight. nearly.

sarahjayne11 Thu 09-May-13 08:05:55

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Morning all.

Feeling very bleugh today. Very nauseous today...something I ate type nauseous which is going to slow me down.

Good to hear that you are feeling more positive about your job and in particular your capabilities vicar.

Just about to wash up (saturdays stuff... hmm blush and then head into town for a bit...

LEMisdisappointed Thu 09-May-13 09:18:56

Grrrr - feel pants again today sad Will have to force myeslf to do something, bloody agency haven't got back to me, i'll have to ring them.

Hugs to everyone - when does this get bloody sodding better??? I want to go out on my bike but im too fucking scared i'll find myself in the middle of nowhere and have a panic attack sad Also, to be fair its a bit windy, and i don't like cycling in the wind.

Hi everyone. Sitting in college car park trying to find energy and bravery to go in lem I echo that feeling of how long. Did school run again and its draining. Dh bit better which is good. Even he admitted last night he was wondering if he was having a relapse so wasnt just me - he had that look in his eyes. .. Hope everyone's day improves, take care x

LEMisdisappointed Thu 09-May-13 09:32:37

CiQ, do you think your DH should go to the doctors? If he is worried? Nip it in the bud? Is he on any medication?

I will see how he is at the end of today thanks lem. I think despite yest panic it is a flu type thing. He's on sertraline. In college getting my head round painting a big sky. .. Any thoughts about what you'll do?

LEMisdisappointed Thu 09-May-13 10:16:34

I need to take the dogs out, the sky here is, well, dramatic which doesn't bode well for my walk. I wish i was creative - i have a real blueeghhh on all things like that, i get scared (what a fucking disaster area i am) I think if i make the house nice i'll lose it. If it wasn't that it would be something else. Oh well, wheres that dogs lead..........

Ed be nice to yourself today, could you crochet a blanket? someting ambitious?? I so need to learn how to do this.

Right, the dogs have read my mind and are being lunatics, here goes.......

I'm currently crocheting a bag (the white lacy pattern on my pics) but will be blue.

I'm heading into town so I can get some green wool to make luigi and yoshi grin. Dtds have a sleepover so I will be able to hide in my bedroom and hook away...

Done most of my washing up...some of the mould made me gag when I was already feeling ill.

Also need to go to the library and primark which sods law are all in different parts of town.

hoochymama1 Thu 09-May-13 12:23:05

Hello! lovely hugs to all on here,CiQ Basset Snowy Vicar Working and Gracie.

Windy here too, Lem. I know I should exercise but the thought of swimming or walking panics me atm.

Ed when I was ill before what absolutely helped was my knitting (yeah, the jumper didn't fit my daughter but it was so relaxing grin)

I was allowed to come back from placement early today to do uni work, just finished a unit - yeay! I was so scared that sertraline would fuzzy my brain but it seems fine for academic stuff (it's just all the rest..)

Bit scared, being observed tomorrow in placementshock. This was a trigger for me for last big bout of depression, but the practice assessor is lovely and so laid back.

Also seeing GP first thing tomorrow. I find it really hard to think- am I better? Do I need more Sert? A different A/D?confused
I feel really crap sometimes, but times of feeling ok too.

I think it's really important to ask for help, but that takes courage too. GP's CPN's crisis teams all get paid to do their jobs, we are their work. It's the creaky hinges that get the oil, so ask for help.

I really think it's hard when DP's are ill too- mine has MS sad and I spend a lot of my time worrying about him, but often he's ok, and it's me who needs the help.

Off to put the kettle on, whose for another brew andbiscuit ? XXX

SnowyMouse Thu 09-May-13 13:39:25

Good luck with your observation, hoochymama1, I remember getting nervous over that. More knitted creatures sound fun Ed. How was the walk LEM?

NanaNina Thu 09-May-13 14:15:20

Oh CiQ I had no idea that things were so bad for you, maybe because you don't say so! Your story mimics mine in many ways, in that your depression and anxiety was building up over many months (and incidentally the same period as mine, the autumn months) and I too conked out in January but started seeing psychologist instead of going to the GP for meds. Ended up with admission as IP in March of that year (2003) Thing is for women (especially women like yourself with young families) we are the "glue" that holds everything together and that's what I thought when I read your backstory. In a way it's probably a good thing that your mind and body yell "No more" and you cannot function any more.

You say you are improved now but you still suffer from dep/anx, exhaustion and negative thoughts (am trying to recall now because your post was on the last page and if I flick back I'll lose this post! It doesn't sound like you are really much improved to be honest. Is your dosage right - maybe another trip to the GP or something could be added to it. Mind I think it's only a psychiatrist who can do this as IME GPs are not sufficiently qualified to "mix and match" ADs!

What are you doing at college C - is it the painting course you mentioned. Hope it isn't something that's an ordeal. I can't help thinking you need more help, change of meds, increased dose, are you maybe under estimating how bad things are for you on here, or am I just not noticing.....

Gracie You have some comforting words from the wise and lovely Bassett so I'll be brief. It isn't a competition love and we all go up and down and that's why we're here, to support each other. Are you opn meds, if so are they right ones for you, right dosage etc. Have you been referred to a psychiatrist?
Lemwhy are you ringing agency. I thought you had agreed with your DH that you wouldn't be looking for work while you are still feeling so crap. Sounds like you are fluctuating (the bloody curse of mental illness!!) but maybe going back to GP would be better than looking for a job. I know you are worried about money but you did say it was manageable.

Ah Snowy I have never heard you say you feel really flat. I think you have some kind of psychotic illness from time to time but is there an element of depression too, as that in my experience causes us to feel so flat and empty. How is the sociology module going?

Nice to see you Vicar and that you are feeling a bit more positive about the job and can even give yourself a pat on the back for managing to "talk someone down" - that'll be because of your "people skills."

Oh Ed you always make me smile "the queen of crocheting" - thing is it seems to be helping so much, as you are so enthusiastic about it, and on a mission to get more wool, and that means enthusiasm which is something we lack when depressed. I can't crochet but I do knit and with such lovely wools about now hand knitted things are so much nicer. I only knit for babies and small children (and we have 4 under 3's in the family at the mo) so I am kept busy. I'd never finish an adult garment!

Hoochy Hi - I see you find knitting relaxing, not that you'll have much time for it these days! Hmm being observed can be an ordeal but so much depends on the assessor and as you say she is lovely, you should be fine. Are you being observed in an interview with a service user? I had a lovely student once (when I was a tm mgr of a F & Adpt team) mostly she went out with team members to get experience as it was her first placement. I did an observation interview with her. The case was a young lad in a teenage foster home and the interview was just about how he was getting on in the placement and feedback he may have about the carers. Now teenage lads are not the most conversational of people and it went from bad to worse and in the end he turned to me and said "Nina WTF is she going on about" - we left soon after and when we got in the car she asked me if it had been ok and I said "no it was bloody awful" and then we both fell about laughing! I realised it was more my fault as the interview needed to be more structured, but I knew she would make a good sw, so my write up was a little creative!!

Wow GP and observed interview on same day - I know so well about the question "Am I ok or not" I ask myself that every single day. You have picked up something very useful from the MH team "it's the creaky hinges that get the oil" - SO everyone on this thread, please take note, as we actually have someone working in a MH team
Ask for help as it's the creaking hinges that get the oil .......it took me 3 years to ask for more help and so far am doing well on the addition of different ADs to my prescription.

Hope I haven't missed anyone

LEMisdisappointed Thu 09-May-13 14:15:59

The walk was good, thanks Snowy - quite a long one and my dogs were great, so funny, i ended up walking to the cemetry and visiting my dad (i still can't get over the fact that i have to see him like that sad ) I felt bad because the grave was really overgrown with weeds among all the lovely narcissi and pansies, so i gave it a quick weed and a dig over with the cake slice hmm that i have up there to dig it with - i don't know why i have a cake slice on my dad's grave, but there you are. It looked really nice when i left. One of my dogs had slipped his lead i didnt realise, but he just lay down behind me - my dad would have loved my dogs, even if they are Jack Russels, he didn't like them, he would love mine, such good dogs. Came home and hung washing out, strimmed the garden - there is still a growing pile of washing up in the kitchen and the dishwasher is buggered again, i suspect there is something stuck in the pump but i can't be arsed to bail all the scummy water from the bottom of it - i'll put that on my "to do list" that never gets done Feel exhausted now. So going to sit here for an hour and do nothing until school run time.

Anxious +++ sad but the walk helped smile a bit.

hoochy I couldn't have walked without my dogs, i get very panicky if i am anywhere away from home with no reason. If ihave a reason to be there i would go to the other end of the country on my own, train etc, no problem so long as i had a reason, if it was just for the sake of it, i would have a panic attack. I took DD to london one day, just for the sake of it, that was hard. I love london, but i need a reason to be there. Even when im with DP. I should go swimming but i can't justify spending the money just now. I need to make appointment to see my GP, i know Nana will nag me if i don't grin but i just dont know how to explain things when im not rock bottom - when im rock bottom she knows becaue i just sob.

Ed I am going to make an effort to get knitting again, i keepsaying this don't i. I should though.

Afternoon all.

I have more stuffing and more. Wool smile

I had a wierd sensation/ urge on the way back which has left me feeling a bit surreal.

Driving along the dual carriageway. I had just gone underneath a roadbridge. I found myself wondering what it would feel like to have swerved into the central reservation bridge support. It wasn't a moment of 'I want to do this' it was more of a 'what would the physical thud be like? What would the noise sound like? How big woukd the dent in my car be?'

Really hard to describe what I was feeling...I want to stress it wasn't a desire to do it. It was a curiosity as to what would it be like.

But I am freaked out by that 'desire'...

Hmm....

Glabella Thu 09-May-13 14:21:39

Thanks everyone. You all seem to be doing so well. I feel like I should be able to get up and do things, but I just can't move. I am finally sitting up in bed today instead of lying under the duvet, but its 2pm! Baby steps I suppose. I am in my final year of uni, my final placement, and taking time off will mean I probably have to repeat the year, but I just can't make myself go in. I feel so angry at myself, I am messing up all that hard work but I just can't do it. I can't even make a cup of tea or get up. I was getting through the days pretending it was fine but I don't know how to make myself do it now.

My parents have taken my daughter for tonight, and then my ex has her at the weekend, I am glad she isn't here to see me like this. She's only 18 months but she knows somethings wrong, she keeps trying to look after me, bringing me blankets and cuddling up to me. I hate that she has to do that, she's just a baby, I'm meant to protect her.

My DP is lovely, we are only 3 months in but it's complicated. He was my best friend for 7 years and has supported me through a lot, he came over as a friend when I kicked out my ex and stayed for a few days to support me, and he never left. It turns out he has been in love with me for years, and after a drunken kiss and heart to heart we decided to make a go of it, timing be damned. He is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. I wouldn't be ready to trust anybody else right now, but he knows me better than I know myself. Sorry, I'm wittering on, once I start writing I can't stop.

I need to make another appointment with the GP, and contact uni about my placement, but the phone makes me anxious and I've been staring at a half written email for half an hour. How the hell do other people do this?

Xposts with a couple of you....guess we are all sitting down for an afternoon mn session...

Oh I give up...another crossed post!

What are you studying glabella?

I am doing a pgce...signed off sick since oct. I should only be finishing the 6 weeks I missed last year due to a bereavement.

We all know the feeling of not being able to get out of bed. For me it's the beauty of this thread. If I tell a RL friend that I physically cannot get my body out of my bed they look at me like I'm talking another language. On here it is understood that depression and anxiety can be an anchor holding us in bed with no way what so ever to lift that anchor. Huge hugs flying your way.

SnowyMouse Thu 09-May-13 14:29:12

I need to pull my finger out over the sociology. I've just thought that clicking on show all messages would let you keep the reply on the same page as all the posts. Hugs LEM, make your appointment. Get making, Ed, lots of people do get fleeting thoughts, can be unnerving sad

I have schizoaffective disorder NN, so I get symptoms of depression and psychosis.

Wish I felt like working(!)

SnowyMouse Thu 09-May-13 14:36:43

I feel really awful today, not sure why sad

LEMisdisappointed Thu 09-May-13 14:38:09

Ed I am starting to think you really could be my twin. I get this alot - i don't drive (thankfully, id be a nightmare!) but Ive had the whole "what will happen if i step out in front of that lorry/jump in the harbour/walk in front train" but interestingly, i have always had these thoughts, even when i was "well". I do think its fairly common. I think it becomes worrying when theres desire, although if this is new to you maybe you should mention it to your GP. A friend of mine used to feel as if she could drive her car into the oncoming traffic when she was on prozac, it really freaked her out.

hoochymama1 Thu 09-May-13 14:40:55

Nana you are so sweet! flowers That story made me laugh. I bet you were awesome with students. Yes, it is a service user and one we've not met before so he's an unknown quantity.But my team say that I have such empathy and skill with service users- Ha bloody ha- it's because I'm one myself!

Lots of luck with the PGCE Glabella you will get better, it just takes time, be kind to yourself.

Love to you snowyX

So comforting to know that it's hard for us to decide how we feel. Even nice doctors are scary when you only have a few minutes to sum up how you feel and what you think you need. I think it's true too that not many GP's are skilled in psych meds. Love and hugs grin

LEMisdisappointed Thu 09-May-13 14:49:41

Glabella - i went all goosebumpy reading about your BF, how lovely for both of you. It does sound like you have been through so much, he sounds like a keeper!

I know what you mean about phone calls and emails - i am exactly the same, tie myself up in knots about things and then when i have finally done them i make a hmm face to myself because it really wasn't that hard.

With regards to your uni placement - do you think it would be an idea to repeat the year? But then you are SOOOO close, i can understand why you don't want to do that. The final year is tough though isn't it, what are you studying? Are the uni aware you are unwell?

You don't HAVE to do anything - i found tht making plans to do stuff stressed me out too much so now i don't plan things because if i don't do them i get angry with myself, so now i tend to take each day as it comes, i did sweet FA on tuesday, it made me feel better.

Your DD sounds like a little darling - i think its lovely tht she wants to look after you actually, it shows she is learning, from you, to be a lovely caring person. She must love you very much, that is because you clearly are a brilliant mum. Some people just don't give a shit about their kids, i get angry with them - im not talking about people with MH issues, just people with higher priorities, it makes me sad, then there are people like you who are struggling and their DCs feel loved and happy, your DD must feel this or she woudlnt be able to empathise and comfort you. She is lucky to have you.

Wow - that hours sit down has flown by - school run beckons

Glabella Thu 09-May-13 14:52:16

I'm doing medicine. It's not very flexible in terms of time off (I am only allowed 1 week off in the whole year), and I am expected to start work at the end of July and will most likely have to give up my place with things the way they are. I have worked for 6 years for this, and I have battled through this final year and forced myself to do it, to give in with only 6 weeks to go is useless.

LEMisdisappointed Thu 09-May-13 14:53:48

Nana my turn to miss posts blush The agency rang me, out of the blue, i had dismissed it, but it gave me a glimmer of hope, i could so do with some work just now. But whether i could actually cope with it i dont know. Definately a very up and down week here. I haven't taken my meds yet today, im not going to take them until bedtime and switch to that regime as i have had more energy today.

LEMisdisappointed Thu 09-May-13 14:56:56

You are NOT useless Glabella - it is just a very stressful time just now. Six years through med school and the past 18m wth your DD AND what sounds like a bastard ex. You are right though, to give in now would be mad so if you can get through it, do try - can you make plans while you are in bed? Not actually do stuff but time table revision etc, nothing heavy? Can we help at all?

LEMisdisappointed Thu 09-May-13 14:59:24

A friend of mine was about to drop out of her PhD, she told us all she was leaving etc - we persuaded her to stay and she did - she printed off "Dr Smith" in really big letters and stuck it to her computor desk, her lab bench and it motivated her. Can you visualise yourself in July, working? What do you want to specialise in?

Glabella Thu 09-May-13 15:06:49

Oh LEM, you have made me get something in my eye. blush It's meant to be a full time placement, A&E shifts. It's so full on, the most stressful placement, and I don't know anybody since I have only done one day. I am trying to be a bit zen about it- I'll be a rubbish doctor feeling like this, and I will be miserable, so for now I think I need to let it go and focus on getting better, being a good mum to my daughter, and maybe take some time out if the uni will allow it. Ironically I want to specialize in psychiatry, I have done since before I was ill, so at least this whole episode will give me some interesting insight if I ever get there.

Unfortunatelyanxious Thu 09-May-13 15:30:51

Thank you for all the kind wishes, the home just rang he is fading now so very probably not much longer. He is hundreds of miles away and I feel very guilty that I'm not at his bedside but not sure I would cope and my memory of him from 10 days ago is very good and a selfish part of me wants to keep that. I also can't manage public transport alone, it took me almost seven hours the last time I did it and I cant manage a five hour drive.

Welcome to Glabella strength and Love to all

bassetfeet Thu 09-May-13 15:52:21

Thinking of you UA and your father .

Dont feel guilty ...your dad knows he is loved and carries that love inside him. It will be around him as you think of him . I believe this wholeheartedly . Your physical presence may not be there but your spirit and soul is . A connection from birth my love x

Sending comfort thoughts to you and be gentle with yourself xx

LEMisdisappointed Thu 09-May-13 17:48:26

UA - please don't feel guilty, I wasn't there when my dad died - i was just too late as it happens. I didn't go to the hospital and hospice much as i just couldn't handle it and i had a 8 week old DD. My dad was not "with it" and hand't been for some time, but he knkew i loved him. It broke my heart when he died, but it was for the best. Its a surreal time - you just have to go with what you feel, you don't have to feel a certain way, there is no script. I think you are right to keep the memory - i saw my dad just after he died, i wish i didn't.

Glabella - wishing you strength, whatever you decide xx

Hugs to everyone else xxx

Hi everyone, wow I've missed a busy day! Sending lots of hugs to all. Will try and catch up with people but please forgive me if I miss anyone.

Nana thanks so much for your kind words, I really appreciate them. I too wonder about dosage etc. I'm on 40mg fluoxetine plus 50mg trazodone which good GP added to help with anxiety. I think because last year was so tough, I'm not sure what is normal any more!!! Like Ed I think it do think what would happen if I drive into that tree, but as LEM says I have had those thoughts occasionally for a long time. I am definitely better than I was in Jan Feb - Had clear suicide plan, couldn't do anything, or interact with anyone etc... Now I can do the school run a couple of times a week, go to college and enjoy it, am more motivated at home and have started tackling the garden. But yest for eg I was so knackered by 10.30 and had to sit down for 3 hours, then again by 8.00 I was like the walking dead wink tired today after college but not as bad as yesterday, I think cos my anxiety has been better today than yest. GP said cos I wasn't in great shape last year it would take a while this year, but so hard to know what's what. College was good, but when sitting having lunch with 3 others I was feeling v anxious trying to engage in conversation, and it took me til about 12 to actually get into today's painting - that whole hard to get going in the morning thing... so I have a doc apt in 10 days I think so will review mood til then and have an open conversation with her...

Vicar really great to hear about your good work and how useful your skills are in those sort of situations grin. Glad you're finding your inside info useful re your DDs situation - do the police there know who they're dealing with? wink

Glabella sorry to hear about your depression. Sounds like you have a lovely DP tho smile. Wow 6 years of medicine is brilliant. If you think you should focus on you and your DD then go for it. Your experience of this illness will be so helpful if you go down the psychiatry route.

Ed hope the shopping was OK ang the crocheting is progressing well. Crafty stuff is good I think. (Unless you're a super-brainy physicist of course wink)

Hoochy congrats on the unit grin it must be v good to know that your brain is working ok despite the ADs. I had the same worry re: my painting, but its not too bad. Better than organising household stuff or following a recipe! Good luck tomorrow.

UA sending hugs sad I think there's a lot to be said for keeping those nice memories in your head. As Basset said beautifully you are connected.

LEM glad your walk was OK and it was a nice picture of you tidying your dad's grave. I am so aware of making the most of my dad who's very special to me as he is getting old... I know exactly what you mean about having a purpose to a walk/trip. I took my camera out with me when I went for a walk last week so I had a sense of purpose... I like the idea of taking a dog with me but don't want to look after it the rest of the time wink

Basset were you in a people-focused job - your advice and words are always so lovely.

snowy hello! Sorry to hear you're having a bad day. Did you manage to get out at all?

and hello to everyone else x

SnowyMouse Thu 09-May-13 22:10:17

Just popping in to say good night all.

NanaNina Thu 09-May-13 22:51:58

Goodnight Snowy - I'm sorry you feel so low. Thank you for the link - it does sound like quite a complicated mental illness, and I imagine getting the meds right for the different components of the illness is a fine balancing act.

Hope tomorrow is a teeny bit better for you.....stay around so we know you are at least still managing to post.

Goodnight to everyone else too.

Another quickie from me.

Happy with today
smile got green wool, some primark bits, returned library books...
smile done 2 loads of washing. I only have half a load left!
smile washed up 6 days worth of mouldy pots...I started at 9am and finished at 9pm...obviously I did it in batches!
smile had a clear out in my 'treat corner' of my kitchen. Got rid of leftover trick n treat and christmas chocs...just left with easter.

I could be sporadic over next few days. Mega tidy up tomorrow...party day out sat and sleepover...

Sending love to ua. If your df is on an iv I expect he will be sedated. Fwiw I hated tge last couple of days sat at my dsfs bedside. The waiting. Everyone in the room looking up at the same time every time there was anything that caught our ear. I would much rather of waited at home for news. It was different tho in s sense as he was at home so I was needed to support my mum and other family members. Huge hugs flying your way.

As ever thinking of you all. Wish me luck over the next few days...getting very shaky and anxioys about it.

LEMisdisappointed Fri 10-May-13 08:29:09

Good Luck Ed - don't be anxious, you are a star - relax and enjoy (and maybe raid the treat cupboard?)

OK ish here - busy (but boring) day ahead, then its the weekend xx

You can come and sort my house out...

Another rubbish night...
Struggled to get to sleep as I am anticipating a looming confrontation.
Woke several times.
Had several wacky dreams.
Ive already done a bit of washing, filled the dw (but forgot to turn it on).

I'm just looking around and getting freaked by the rest that needs doing...so I have done the most obvious and sensible thing...I'm hiding under my duvet hmm...

I've just downloafed the latest candy crush update...this is a disaster...

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 10-May-13 11:20:31

Hi Ed try Flylady's emergency clear up stategy, or my randomish googling strategy.

Right...I'm getting up...I'm feeling motivated. The problem is that my motivation centres around the least important room hmm

Best get this whirlwind into action...

Go Ed !!!

Hi LEM how are you getting on today?

Turns out I'm ill hmm awful sore throat, headache, feel like I should be in bed. That explains the ridiculous exhaustion this week. Hope I don't get as poorly as DH, I have nieces baptism tomorrow in Sussex (can't miss) and teaching communion class on Sunday (again can't miss), so am trying to do minimum in the hope I can keep plodding along! Hey ho. Its funny tho, being physically ill feels like a walk in the park compared to being mentally ill...

Sun has just popped out.

Hope everyone's getting on OK, esp UA and snowy.
Hi to nana SPC *Basset Vicar Hoochy *Glabella x

Im still in bed.

But ive decided if downstairs is done before we go tesco we will stop at macdonnslds for tea (so I dont mess my kitchen up of course!)

Great idea. Always worth adding in an incentive (esp if its food wink) into the mix x

LEMisdisappointed Fri 10-May-13 13:08:40

Spinning around from the whirlwind that is Ed blitzing her house - looking at mine and thinking, i'll do it in a minute hmm

CiQ I am sorry that you are poorly - we call that having grollies in this house!!! So if i say to my DP "ive got grollies" it means im poorly sick, if i say "i don't feel well" he knows i mean in my head. Its funny, sometimes when i "don't feel well" i sometimes almost wish for a bout of flu, tht would mean I could take to my bed and not feel guilty about it. Daft eh!

Snowy - how are you today?

How is everyone today? Glabella, have you come to any decisions regarding your course?

I am having a tough day, its because DP has to grovel to the mortgage company today and the car is due for MOT tomorrow, am so hoping his repairs after the accident were enough - we couldnt get a new wing so he just had to bend the old one out the best he can to accomodate the light unit. Ironically, thats not what im worried about, im worried about the catalytic converter, there seems to be a rattle and i wonder if one of the ceramic bits (i assume there is some sort of ceramic thing going on, i visualise balls!) worked loose, DP thinks tht will be a fail but i think only if it affects the emmisions - i cannot STAND ifs and buts, this is what really messes with my head, not knowing - i need to have things sorted NOW, i think if i wasn't on meds, the whole car thing wold have sent me into meltdown.

Wishing everyone a good weekend

Wondering how Vicar is getting on?? Couldnt find another thread anywhere else, but didnt want her to think i was not being supportive.

LEMisdisappointed Fri 10-May-13 13:10:25

Ahhh, cross posts Ed. that is some sound thinking right there!! The chicago special at Mc Ds is pretty good just now - sigh - its not tuesday and i have chops defrosting in the fridge.

Arrggghhh...dtds had the louisianna a few days ago...prefer the legend with salsa myself.

Waitig for the new york classic week5....minus mayo and mustard tho ;)

NanaNina Fri 10-May-13 13:39:36

Snowy are you there - can you come and say hello.

Ed what's happening this weekend. Did you say something about going to Bournville - in Birmingham? Cadbury World? sorry if I'm on wrong track but I am fairly near there. Anyway hope it all goes ok.

Oh Lem I remember those days so well many years ago when we were struggling for money because I was a SAHM and the MOT was the "appointment with fear" and yes we had to grovel to the bank too, but somehow we got through it all and so will you, but it's tough at the time. I remember we needed a new engine and the re-conditioned one was £100 and we couldn't afford it, but can't remember how we got by bit we did! Things changed when I started my social work course in 1979 and I got a bursary of £200 per month from the Home Office (I was meant to go into Probation) and it was like a fortune had landed in our laps!!

Hope the car gets through the MOT and the grovelling works. Is there anyone who would loan you money, until you are well enough to work? I've bailed out my adult son and dil on more than one occasion!

Sorry to hear you are ill CiQ presumably same sort of thing as DH has/had. Look if you can't get to the baptism then you can't - it's no good pushing yourself when you feel so ill, but yes it's such a relief to be physically ill rather than mentally.

I am just going to meet a lovely friend who I haven't seen for a long time. She and her DH suffer from intermittent depression and so she perfectly understands......think it was Ed who said that only people who have experience of MI understand when we say we can't get out of bed. I can recall a time watching my DP get out of bed and say he was off to get showered and I was wondering how the hell he could do that........oh mental illness sucks BIG time.

Glabella surely there must be a way to postpone your final placement - you can't just throw 6 years down the pan. I watched the Junior Doctors series on TV and the first years were very stressed - main problem seemed to be getting the canula in....wondered whythey weren't taught this before letting them loose on the wards. Having said that I know only too well how we all "learn our trade" on the job as opposed to the academic side of things, but I guess for medicine it is a combination of both. When I was doing my sw course back along, they kept going on about "linking theory and practice" but I never used anything I had learned in college - it was all "on the job" learning. In college we had one session on welfare rights towards the end of the 2 year course, and that was one of the things that most service users needed (we used to call them clients in our day!)

Love to all

SnowyMouse Fri 10-May-13 14:39:35

I'm having a very rough day. Not taking meds. Hope everyone else is doing better.

LEMisdisappointed Fri 10-May-13 14:44:24

Snowy - whats happening with you? Can you maybe take your meds now? I need to get off my arse and take mine before the school run.........

hugs snowy sounds rubbish. Any ideas what you might do this pm?

Nana thanks yes I think same as DH. Hoping I won't be as bad... Hope you have a lovely time with your friend. I know what you mean about people understanding - I can have good conversations with my brother who's also suffered from depression.

Hope you're getting on ok Ed

LEM have fingers crossed for the MOT result. Those things aren't fun anytime but proper stressful for you at the mo. I liked the "grollies" and sounds like a good strategy to differentiate between mental and physical health..

School run in 10 mins then back to the sofa...

Unfortunatelyanxious Fri 10-May-13 15:30:23

I'm feeling just about the most ill since I've been signed off work I have been having thoughts of suicide. I know I'm under huge stress, to top it off I have fallen out with a friend. It's justified tbh I was a completely mad and awful person at the beginning of this week. I have sent a long apologetic text. I really was horrible, I don't want to discuss the actual incident but believe me I am in the wrong. I have now lost two of my closest friends, one was out of order and it was her but this one is my fault.

I went to my day centre and they said I should see an emergency doctor. I haven't but DH collected me and I'm not alone. I ended up absolutely raving at him, he is going abroad on a business trip at the end of the week and I am just finding it so hard. It is so hard he just wants to fix me and thinks if i would just do xy and z I would be fine. I actually hate him when he gets like this I knw he means well but it jst makes me feel inadequate

hoochymama1 Fri 10-May-13 16:26:25

UA emergency doctor asap! You need some medical help. DH sounds really supportive but you need proff help. Get help girl!

hoochymama1 Fri 10-May-13 16:40:10

Sorry that lots of people are ill, love and cuddles to CiQ, get better soon flowers

Glabella you are on my mind- your health comes first and the PGCE will always be there, can you delay placement for a few months? Give yourself a bit of space to get better, but don't chuck it in, you sound like you'll be a great teacher. I loved teaching for 23 years ( only last few years with a bullying head was horrible), I'm a bit hit and miss on this current placement, but I was told that I could delay it for a few months if it all got too much. Talk to uni, take someone along if you can't describe how you feel.

I had this observation today in work and I was fine, even though shaking with fear.
The GP was good also, she's keeping me on 100mg sertraline, and said that it takes 4-6 weeks to really act shock all I should have now are glimmers of feeling better, which is about right. I was so scared it wasn't working.

Shattered tonight- me and DH are going down the chippie later. Can't be bothered to cook.

Loads of love to LEM Snowy , take your meds,Nana lots of thanks for the encouragement for today, Ed, your making me hungry!

And to anyone I've missed!

Thanks hoochy feeling rough. Well done on surviving your observation. I think yr gp is right about weeks on a decent dose. It will come x.

ua so sorry to hear you're feeling worse. It's a tough time. Hope you've been to the doc.

Hello to all

LEMisdisappointed Fri 10-May-13 18:17:18

UA - there is little surprise you are feeling so bad, maybe you need some additional meds to get you through? Please see a doctor as soon as you can - suicidal thoughts are scary and horrible sad

SnowyMouse Fri 10-May-13 18:26:39

I hope you get some help UA, please take care of yourself sad
Thinking of everyone...

hoochymama1 Fri 10-May-13 19:27:03

Oops, sorry glabella got your course wrong, silly me blush

Hugs all round...

My nightly appraisal.

I'm knackered. I just have to change the towwels. Put the hoover away. Go into the loft and have a shower in the morning. All before 9am...

Soery can't respond personally. I am so tired tge words a blurring in front of me.

I may regret this tomorrow.

Night all.

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 10-May-13 23:16:47

evening everyone - i feel awful that im not keeping up any more sad

UA - ireally hope you have made an appt for the gp lovely.

snowy - you have just reminded me that i have missed my meds today too....i hope you have taken yours. i will take mine now. (and get ready for the dreams, if i take it early i get away with them, take them late and i could write a film script)

anyway. just popping in to say hi and touch base with everyone. first day off today but have hurt my back and couldnt follow my plans for the stables through as im doubled up...

tomorrow i need to take dd shopping. (oh joy! not)

i am trying so hard to hang on to my counsellors words of wisdom and stop feeling so stupidly inadequate when there is really no need.

will pop back when i can. hope everyone else is managing ok and hugs to all.
my heads in a fug - i bloody hate coming off nights....apologies if ive missed anything.

Unfortunatelyanxious Sat 11-May-13 07:27:37

My friend has been very forgiving but I made the decision to travel to see my Father so have been Here since
11last night my DH said how much I have calmed since I made the decision to come I slept by his bed lovely nurse from hospice here all night on phone hope msg comes out thanks for all your support x

hoochymama1 Sat 11-May-13 08:11:21

UA I had the same with my mum and slept by her bed, it was a precious time. Love and hugs to you. XXX

LEMisdisappointed Sat 11-May-13 09:08:06

<<hugs>> UA xxxxx

Unfortunatelyanxious Sat 11-May-13 10:06:34

My Dad died about an hour ago, he didn't regain consciousness and had a very peaceful end which I am incredibly grateful for.

We have left the home and just about to eat something for the first time in couple of days. A hospice nurse was with me overnight, she was absolutely amazing. DH has been great, I had stepped in to garden for some air after five minutes they rushed out. The nurses said people very often die just as their relatives go for a tea or the loo. They reckon people do it to not distress loved ones, anyway I was there and held his hand.

Thanks to everyone, I cannot even begin to tell you how grateful I have been to you all over the last few days, you have really helped me.

Much love xxx

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 11-May-13 10:08:15

UA more hugs...

vicar you can't feel guilty that your thread(s) are so successful!

SnowyMouse Sat 11-May-13 11:51:16

((((((( UA )))))))

LEMisdisappointed Sat 11-May-13 11:57:18

UA - big hugs to you honey, so sorry for your loss. It is hard to find the right words at these times. That is what they said to me and my mum when my dad died. You will have a busy week or so ahead of you, it helps in a way, but do remember to take care of yourself, eat, medicate and try and get some rest. I'm glad you had this time with your dad xxx

bassetfeet Sat 11-May-13 12:06:51

hug UA . Thinking of you xx

NanaNina Sat 11-May-13 12:15:40

Me too sending warm thoughts your way UA and hope that you will look after yourself too. I know this is going to be a tough call, but I've noticed your earlier post which sounded like you were really struggling.

Snowy why aren't you taking your meds?? PLEASE start to take them or you will be back where you started with a section in the offing. You have been saying how low you were and is this because you weren't taking meds, or the other way round, not taking meds because you feel crap, or some other reason. Whatever it is, I just urge you to take them. I know they zonk you out but that is better than ending up back in hospital. Sorry to sound harsh but I am thinking of you.

Thinking of you ua

SnowyMouse Sat 11-May-13 14:37:39

I took my meds as I should last night. Two months feels too long to stick it out, but that is what I agreed to do.

Thinking of you and yours UA

SnowyMouse Sat 11-May-13 14:39:25

PS When I stopped my meds before, it was with permission. Yesterday I wanted to be awake enough to see my niece properly, as I wont for some time now. I know I should take them, there's no way I want to end up with an injection.

Glabella Sat 11-May-13 15:38:07

UA so sorry about your dad, yes, do make sure to take care of yourself.

I managed to send a few emails yesterday- to my mum to tell her whats going on with me and why I've not been in touch, to uni about what to do about my course (they probably won't reply until Monday now), to some friends who I had plans with. Everyone has been very supportive and lovely, I don't know why but that surprises me. My parents are having dd for a few days so I can get myself together. DP is struggling, he doesn't feel he can leave me alone because I've been feeling like I would rather not be here. I hate even writing that. I don't think I will do anything stupid, but I feel really awful and a little out of control at the moment, so its probably sensible that hes keeping an eye on me. Does anyone know of any good resources or support for partners? I can tell its hard for him although he tries not to show it.

Today I am a bit better, managed to go to the corner shop with DP and only had to stop and breathe once on the way back. Seems like such a tiny thing but I haven't got up and dressed in 4 days so its big for me.
I have started writing again- I used to keep a diary and wrote a few poems and stories a few years ago and DP has encouraged me to carry on. It is helpful I think.

I am struggling with a lot of stuff from my marriage that I had buried away- realising just how abusive my husband was, how it affected me. That some of the things that I didn't want to think about were really quite awful and the excuses I made for him weren't true, and coming to terms with that is really hard. I am thinking of starting a thread in relationships for some help working through things, but I'm scared they will all think I am being pathetic.

hoochymama1 Sat 11-May-13 16:13:16

Lots of love, Glabella we have www.thinkcarer.org.uk/ in Derbyshire, but Mind and Rethink do good carer support, and lots of info on MH.
You will find that uni are sympathetic and helpful, it is an illness like any other, and you just need to give yourself space and time to get better. Be kind to yourself, and use the help around. The GP can refer you to the crisis team for immediate help. They are good and will give you immediate strategies for coping. Writing is excellent, so is screaming and punching sofa pillows! Lots of love XXX

{{{hugs}}} UA so sorry to hear about your dad, but I'm really pleased you were there for him. We'll be thinking of you and hoping you can get some rest and take care of yourself amongst all the other things that need to happen in the next few weeks. With love x

Hi Glabella that's great that you've been able to explain to some people what's going on - I think that's actually an important step on the road to recovery, and really pleased you've had some good support. I hope your dark thoughts ease. Writing a diary is a really good thing to do to get some of those thoughts out of your head and onto paper can often weaken them too. I don't have any experience of abusive relationships, so can only imagine how devastating it must be. Hope you find some support in that area, and also its probably another thing you could write about (maybe separately and at some time in the future have a ceremonial burning of that notebook?). Take care.

Hi to everyone else. I made it to the baptism dosed up with lemsip etc and now back on sofa. It was good to have gone. And actually as social occasions go (haven't really done any this year) it was OK. I enjoyed it smile My DD was great shimmying up this pole that supported the beams in the room we had - you'd never have known she'd broken her leg earlier this year grin.

NanaNina Sat 11-May-13 21:06:12

Hi Glabella - is this your first episode of depression - sounds like it might be, maybe the root of it being related to the abusive r/ship that you were in and stress of doing your final placement? Having said that not sure about medics. Do you have to do 2 years post degree before you are fully qualified.

I know exactly what you mean by "not wanting to be here" - depression is a torment, and it isn't that we want to die, it's just that we want the emotional pain to stopand that's the only way we can think to stop it. When I was at my worst last year I used to think if I just ran and ran and lay down under a hedge I would just expire and "not be here any more." It's called suicide ideation and it's very common in depression, but it does suggest that your depression is moderate to severe (here's me with my diagnosis.....and not a scrap of medical knowledge to my name) but I do have experience of severe depression and anxiety and I think to be honest that it is only people who have first hand experience who can understand. However suicidal thoughts have to be taken seriously as some 25% of people with severe depression do commit suicide. I was admitted to a pysch ward Easter 2010 and the main concern when assessing me for admission seemed to be whether I had made a plan (which I had) but didn't tell the psychiatrist that as I thought they may stop me doing it. I was admitted anyway but voluntarily, because my depression was so severe.

You mention feeling out of control and yes, we are out of control when depression descends. I don't know how it feels for you, but for me I feel totally flat, empty, have no motivation or interest, and other than that almost an absence of emotions. Someone here recently described feeling hollow, which resonated with me. When I am depressed I feel like a stranger has come and occupied my brain, my mind, and I keep saying to my DP "This is not who I am"......

Someone said on the thread recently that it was so good to be able to say to other sufferers that they were not able to get out of bed, as most people would find that very strange, unless we had some serious physical illness. For some reason the emotional pain seems to be a little less under the duvet. I also experience long bouts of crying, which actually give me some sense of relief, a release of tension.

I can't remember whether you are on meds or not (sorry) but if not you certainly need to be. You do mention seeing the GP again, so maybe you are. Does it feel worse for you because you are on the "wrong side of the desk" so to speak? I remember a social worker visiting the ward from time to time and he worked at the same place as me (LA SSD) but he was adult services (MH) and I was always in Children's Services, but we knew each other and I used to hide when he was on the ward!

You may well find more support in Relationships about the past trauma. Have you thought of therapy to help you unravel the past and the dread phrase "come to terms with it" - if so getting the right therapist is crucial. I am wondering if you could possible have a form of PTSD (here I go again with my diagnosing!) and if so there is a therapy that people talk about in glowing terms (EMDR) you would have to google it and Vicar on this thread talks about "re-wind" therapy and I'm sure she would be happy to tell you about it.

CiQ I have been "colouring in" most of the afternoon in my little garden room, and even managed to splash a few water colours about, as I am feeling tense and quite anxious today, sort of free floating anxiety, and messing about with felts and paint helps me to relax. So glad you managed to get to the baptism and glad you are feeling a bit better.

Snowy sorry if I was being too bossy with you about the meds and I didn't know you were stopping them so you could see your niece without being zonked out. Anyway I gather you are taking them again so that's good. 2 months does seem a long time before thet are reviewed, but presumably that is the time it takes for them to be fully effective, though I don't have any experience of the mental illness from which you suffer. Is there anything that you can do (not the sociology module!) like painting or felt tipping or something similar that could distract you when you are low, and maybe help relax you.

Love to everyone.

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 12-May-13 01:04:48

just popping to see that UA may be in need of a gentle hug tonight. much love to you, do take care of yourself.(((((( (*Ua*))))))

will pop back tomorrow. x

GracieLoo Sun 12-May-13 08:39:27

Just wanted to say sorry for your loss UA I've been following the thread but not felt I can give much input, but hope you all have a good day, this mh crap is so hard to live with, but it helps to know I'm not alone x

LEMisdisappointed Sun 12-May-13 09:47:52

Gracie, i have been wondering about you - are you doing OK? You don't have to give input, but do feel free to ask for support, anytime.

Glabella, pleased to read your post, i posted a big long post to you yesterday but it seems to dissappeared into the ether.

My weekend has been ok so far (so far so good!) DP managed to grovel to the mortgage company, no arrangement but they are ok that we might get a bit behind while waiting for DPs wages to get sorted. The car failed the MOT but fortunately on relatively simple things which DP is going to do today, he is really good with cars and should have been a mechanic, i don't know why he didn't really. He said that cars and bikes were his hobby so it would have felt wrong with it being his job - weird attitude really, i mean, what is wrong with doing a job that you like? So i do feel a tad more relaxed now those obstacles are out of the way.

How are you feeling today UA?

Love to all xxx

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 12-May-13 10:49:22

The danger is that you stop liking what you are doing if it turns into a job confused .

That sounds like a sort of good but normalish weekend so far LEM.

Thinking of you UA

Unfortunatelyanxious Sun 12-May-13 14:21:24

Got back home early hours of this morning, cat cried all night as DS was not with us, he was at a friends.

Collected him today and took my friend flowers and wine for being so brilliant. DS had a lovely weekend with them and they went to an old fahioned sweet shop. He remembered me saying I liked sherbet lemons so he got me a bag. Goodness me it was hard not to cry at that point.

Anyway thanks again for all the love and support, I am strangely calm at the moment, just exhausted probably. I have to organise the funeral now, never done one before. DH was great, he is now watching FA cup final. He is a huge footie fan and didn't even mention it yesterday, I had forgotten.

The friend I upset has text me saying she didn't hate me but needed to calm down, please get help and sent much love due to my Dad. Just shows she is a good friend.

Lots love xxx

SnowyMouse Sun 12-May-13 14:32:08

((((( UA )))))

bassetfeet Sun 12-May-13 17:56:55

UA sending thoughts and a hug to you . You must be exhausted .

So good to read that your son and his dad are supporting you with love and thought . Sherbet Lemons from your boy and a DH who loves you obviously very much . Smiled at him saying nowt about the footie.
In nice way of course .

Your friendship will survive no doubt at all x

Funerals are hard to deal with .. so amongst the grief maybe find some comfort in the stories of his life ........the music he loved ......and your memories and shared moments .
I am thinking of you . Look after yourself as much as you can xx

[Flowers] ua How's your day been? So glad things are back on track with your friend. And sherbert lemons was a lovely moment.

How's everyone doing?

I am ok-ish. Did my thing at church and took dd out for some clothes shopping - I think the first time I've been in a shopping centre for a while. Haven't done anything since we got back - which is what I needed - but feel a bit bad as dh getting grumpier and grumpier with kids...

flowers ua

Still thinkung of ua.

I have had a rubbish day.

Sleepover went surprisingly well. But have been in bed since everyone left. Had a nap.

Was supposed to be going to a friends for wine but she cancelled on me due to sick children.

But ive decided I want to watch the inbetweeners movie at 9 or 10, so plan to get up. Retidy kitchen and lounge (so they stay good) and then get something to eat.
I plan to play on the wii for a bit...then watch film and crochet luigi laying down.

Brownie prep to do tomorrow...and restoring dd3s bedroom so it looks like it did when she left...

Notsoblonde Sun 12-May-13 20:22:53

Hi lovelies smile some of you might remember me as shakinstevie I kind of dropped off the thread as I felt better without the meds and hadn't got my counselling apps, well the counselling has started and am still not taking my meds. I recognise a few names, ua hugs to you so sorry to read about your dad. vicar I had a skim through the older thread amd see your back at work now but your getting a hard time sad, you have definately done the right thing putting in a formal complaint, and I hope your ds is ok. Hello to snowy glad your off your section 3 waves to everyone smile.

As I said I had been feeling much better, but started the counselling sessions and everything is coming to a head I think, my body is not reacting very well, ibs has flared up, and am getting my chest pains again, I should take the meds but I got prescribed citalopram and googled (I know I shouldn't do this but it's part of the problem) and I have a heart murmur and there is a link so I haven't been back to gp as he will just say my heart condition is not significant as the cardio told me and to take the tablets sad, vicious circle I guess. Any way the counsellor thinks I have PTSD and that's part of the problem, my catastrophising relates to something that happened in childhood.

SnowyMouse Sun 12-May-13 20:26:44

Been thinking of you all today, take care.

I can't decide what tk eat...

I fancy cheese and beans on toast but can't be bothered to make it.
I fancy chinese but can't be bothered to get dressed to fetch it.
Cup of coffee and dunked biscuits is doable but I don't fancy it...

SnowyMouse Sun 12-May-13 20:30:35

cheese and beans on toast in the microwave so you don't have to watch it? (not as nice though)

Notsoblonde Sun 12-May-13 20:31:13

Yum cheese and beans on toast smile

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 12-May-13 20:34:32

Weetabix? Milky coffee? (my two stand-bys)

SnowyMouse Sun 12-May-13 20:34:45

Making me hungry! (I try not to eat after 6, trying to lose weight).

LEMisdisappointed Sun 12-May-13 22:23:55

Hi everyone - gawd im tired,,had a good weekend, dp has fixed the car so hopefully will pass the retest tomorrow. Glad the sleepover went well Ed, i think you were entitled to the sleepover, am watching father ted, for the 5th time!

Mmmmm cheese and beans on toast - niiice that reminds me though, i cannot stop eating!! I am going to be like a bloody heffer at this rate - its the pills isn't it?

Take care everyone x

bassetfeet Sun 12-May-13 22:36:53

Hi everyone ....good to see that some of us have had a good weekend despite this evil illness. Ups and downs but progress smile.
So pleased .

Cheese on toast or tomato soup is my "must eat something " meal so go for it Ed .

love to all xx

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 13-May-13 01:20:43

evening, or should i say morning.

my body clock is now knackered again - im exhausted at all the wrong times and wide awake when i shouldnt be (like now)

i bloody hate shift work.

ed hope you managed to eat something. im trying to lose about 10lb healthily so im watching what i eat, ive not bought any wine either (hoping i can resist) but i do have emergency gin and slim line tonic....if i really cant be bothered to cook then i end up on cereal or sandwiches. Ive not taken meds today as eaten at all the wrong times. must must take them tomorrow....darent take my sertraline now or i will have horrible dreams. Im terrible for missing meals but i know that plays havoc with metabolism too....no wonder i cant lose weight these days.

my back is still not right so trying to take it easy before work again. Am going to force myself to bed now, because im a bit of a night owl i find it so hard to get myself off nights and back into the land of the living during the day. DS is home for a few days, and prowls all night so i find it hard to relax.

hope everyone else is doing ok, waves to everyone new and old...

Morning vicar

I ate a microwave pizza some birthday cake and a bar of chocolate.

I was awake and feeling lively at 6.30

I was awake and feeling lively at 8.30

I have been faffing on my phone since

I am now not feeling lively sad

I have brownies tonight and it is stressing me to high heaven....must do the prep. But I need to go to tesco to get printer ink.

I must sort dd3s room back out.

I just want to hide.

I

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 13-May-13 10:34:59

Your priority is clearly to get the printer ink Ed. Well done for browsing on the food sources you had - sounds like a well balanced diet to me wink

Well...thats debatable.( I don't mean that to sound so harsh...I mean it is genuinely debateable).

The printer ink is for brownie prep.

My #1 priority is my dcs. Therefore I need to do dd3s room (at least put her posters back up and get dtd1s stuff out).

My #2 priority is my own health. Therefore I need to be less stressed...is the brownie prep or my dd3s room going to reduce mg stress more?

What I am actually doing is sorting clean washing in my bedroom...which will make my bedroom look better and help me find my guiding uniform...amd procrastinating over which will make me least stressed...and mnetting which is clearly helping. ..

I've sorted (as in put into piles) all of the clean laundry.

A picture of my poor bed is on my profile sad

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 13-May-13 13:00:47

Wrong criteria, if I may suggest such in the nature of friendly debate.

Here's how I'd run it. Get printer ink. You now have resources from Brownie prep, but this doesn't mean you have to do that next. Also if t'were me I would have bought something cheap and silly for DD3's room in Tesco's at the same time!

You cannot priotise stress reduction in this way. Action of any kind will take care of reducing stress, the only question is by how much.

However, I am revising the priority task, imho, which is to stop sorting the bedroom, and just find the brownie uniform. This is assembling resources for Brownie's, but it still doesn't mean you have to do that next.

I was planning to catch up with the books for a meeting I'm going to this afternoon. Well, I've prepared for the actual meeting - can pay expenses, and have read paperwork - and find that books can wait, even though today I will be standing down as Treasurer.

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 13-May-13 13:55:14

afternoon.
ed - is the washing sorting stressing you more or less? i have a similar amount of clean washing, because i am rubbish at ironing it and putting it away....i have to really be in the mood to sort it, and i just chuck it all on the bed, then i have 4 baskets (one for each of us) and i fold it, and sort it into the baskets.
its a pretty pointless task, but then at least i can stack it up somewhere discrete and forget it! blush

sometimes making more mess can be more stressful though. (it always looks worse before it looks better)

i should also be doing stuff that im not doing.....DH has taken the car to work and is trialing a different shift pattern so wont be home until gone 6pm...its his birthday tomorrow and i havent even got him a card sad but to go out means i need to shower, find some clothes, iron them, do my hair and put some slap on.....none of which i can be arsed to do.
i also need to go to the pet shop for ratty supplies....

im back to work tomorrow (its comes around so fast) so my plan, i think, is to tidy up the house a bit now, then have a soak in the bath later, dry my hair, sort my uniform for tomorrow.
I will be home before DH tomorrow, so when i get home i think i will nip out then, get ratty supplies and a card for dH, he wants a smart phone for his birthday but hasnt decided which one yet, so i will press gang him into ordering it tomorrow so at least its on the way.

sounds like a plan of sorts.

can you just work out what needs to be done at some point today ed and formulate a similar plan? i have to say, ive just worked all that out while sat here and now i feel a bit better....just having a plan is comforting.

i am missing loads of posts for which i apologise to everyone - but where is helles?? have i missed her or is she awol? i hope she is ok. I could do with her to bully me out of bed on my days off.....ive been a bit rubbish at getting up again....

I did have a plan then the wise silvery adjusted the plan in devour of friendly debate grin

All the washing is still on my bed....but in people piles so I could just deposit it in the right bedrooms and run...

I have done the Brownie prep - just needs printing.

I am about to go and buy ink and some food so that I have something easy to eat today (I always need easy eats on a Monday or I won't).

Right dressed. Tesco. Printing. Cutting. Posters on DD3s wall. Mustn't forget to take balloons.

Helles is awol sad. She popped in a few days ago to let us know she was still about though.

NanaNina Mon 13-May-13 16:23:58

Since there is talk of losing weight on here, I would just mention that I am in that boat too, and need to lose 2 stone. My new meds (mirtazapine) cause weight gain but I think because of increased appetite. My friend who is on them has put on 1.5 stones and she was already overweight, so I thought I's better do something, as I am only 5'1" and carry weight round my waist (the apple shape) that's very unhealthy. Pear shapes are better apparently. Also I read in the paper yesterday that being overweight (in middle age) I am well beyond that, increases your chances of alzheimers by a staggering 50% - mind they tell us all sort of things don't they.........so pinch of salt I reckon.

Don't want to bore people but I'm doing Slimming World and you actually can eat a lot of food, so long as it's the right sort. I lost 2 stone on it some years ago, but keeping it off is the problem. I know you are trying to lose weight Snowy so you might be interested. I am using my old books, as I cannot and will not go to their meetings and get weighed (yuk) but think I might have to go once to get the new books. You can do it online but it costs a fortune.

Nice to "see" you Vicar and I know you are ultra busy but glad you find time to pop back and see us. Dare I say I am doing well on the mortazapine but don't want to tempt fate.
.Hello to all regulars and those just popping by.

How are you today Snowy

SnowyMouse Mon 13-May-13 16:46:58

I'm using myfitnesspal to calorie count, 1200 kcal a day. I also bought myself a dress that's just on the small side today - I have blood tests on Mondays, and it's always tempting to buy junk food before/after. I could do with losing2-3 stone, 5'2", 11st 11 lbs at present (put on 7 lbs in hospital, lost 3 of it).

I do find it useful to keep track on my phone app, and it lets me calorie count while out and about.

buggermewhatnext Mon 13-May-13 17:11:58

Hi all can I please join.
Feel a low as possible today so alone with this ;((
iTS like a madness sad(
Feel sick, shaky and so very very sad.
Only thing keeping me going is my kids and praying that this will lift. Tell me it will ?((((

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 13-May-13 18:06:52

Hang in there buggerme snurt at writing that

sorry you are feeling low, please forgive levity. Have you been there before? How did it lift then? Remember, you are allowed to keep the feeding etc of kids v simple at a time like this.

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 13-May-13 18:13:41

x-posted with my orders advice, and I see you have accomplished much, Ed, will have a look at pic in a bit. Can we have one of you in your Brownie Uniform (are you Tawny?), you can pixelate the face or cut it out for privacy grin

Was supposed to drop into bank after meeting, but instead re-prioritised wink and went and had a cup of tea with a friend instead. Meeting went well, too.

LEMisdisappointed Mon 13-May-13 18:19:08

buggermewhatnext - of course, you are more than welcome. Have you spoken about what is going on on here? Do you want to talk in this room or you could start a thread in MH if you haven't already.

Waves to everyone - My DP had a day off work today, we had a lovely day together - went to the pet shop and the guy showed me how to handle a tarantula, I was fascinated, but still not ready to get one - i want to be confident enough to handle it and not just leave it to fester in a corner. They move quite quickly shock but the guy said you just leave them and they tend to stop, which he demonstrated - it did, it ran a bit and then stopped. The car has now passed the MOT after a few bits needed doing, which DP was able to do and saved £££'s. He has also been able to appease the bank which is good.

Have fun at brownies tonight Ed.

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 13-May-13 18:20:26

hi bugger - are you on any meds?
it does lift - but sometimes needs a push....have you seen your doctor?

Nana im trying to just be really sensible - im 5ft 4 and 10st 8 (or was on saturday) so really would just like to lose about 10 lb to make me feel a bit better. Ive given up on diets, so im just choosing to eat sensibly, lots of fruit/veg and no wine (whoop!!) but i have got a drop of gin and slim line tonic for later, if i feel deprived. (cant give everything up at once can you!)
i also confess i pinched one of DS cigarettes last night (ive not smoked in over 10 years) so am determined not to do that again. So on balance, a small G&T will be allowed...i think i have an addictive personality. i seem to swap one bad habit for another....i need to address that at some point but i think i have given my counsellor enough to work on for now.

what i really cant get my head around is that ive just had 4 days off but only today (now) am i feeling anything like ok....i really need to get my flexi time application in and drop a shift. sod the money. I hate feeling so out of it and tired.

right. DH has just walked in so im going to try to spend some time with him, relaxing before its back to the grind.

love to all. x

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 13-May-13 18:29:10

5ft 4 and 10st 8 smile I am same height and 13 stone, and deffo would not pass any sort of fitness test that involved running. Of course, I don't do any much exercise blush. I was last at that weight at age 44 (passing through it on the way up actually, due to comfort eating as unhappy in job).

Just musing, hope you have been able to chillax, as the younger folk say wink

Hi buggerme welcome. Do you want to tell us a bit more about your situation. Yes it does lift, but sometimes needs help - like anti-depressants and/or counselling. Have you spoken to anyone about how you're feeling? take care.

Hello everyone. Well I will add my weight & height too I think as am also trying to loose half a stone. 5ft 2in, 10 stone. Used to be 9 and a half stone so that's the aim. Can't fit in any of my summer trousers/shorts and some skirts so that's a good incentive!

Vicar I think we all need one treat a day when you're on a diet - whether its a G&T or in my case 6 pieces of Green & Blacks 70% choc. If I can avoid cakes and biscuits and eat smaller portions for the day that's my reward... one pound down, 6 to go...

LEM delighted to hear about your super capable DPs mechanical skills and the £ situation has calmed down. Great to hear you've had a good day smile

SPC glad to hear meeting went well and coffee with a friend sounds like an excellent re-prioritisation wink

Hi snowy that mobile app sounds like a great idea - good luck!

Nana I read that thing too... and at last I've found someone smaller than me wink How are you finding the mirtaz. are you managing to control your appetite? When I started on Trazodone I had major carb cravings for 2 weeks that were soooo hard to resist (I mostly didn't)

Ed how did you get on today? I too have two massive piles of clean washing sitting in my room waiting to be put away...

Well I've had three mostly good but busy days and its caught up with me now. Not surprising and my brain is lasting out longer than it used to. Did school run this morning, supermarket shop and met up with an old friend from work for lunch which was nice. Still find socialising anxiety-making and have to work hard to dismiss paranoid thoughts (she's bored, I'm boring etc etc). Then school run, swimming lesson, cooking dinner and having to do bedtime as DH out. A very long day... hey ho.

LEMisdisappointed Mon 13-May-13 19:20:07

Not adding my weight blush I m going to have to go on a diet aren't i?

((hugs)) LEM you can do it wink Spring/summer's the best time too cos your body's not trying to hang on to the fat to stay warm!

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 13-May-13 19:48:47

lem - you had a thread the other week, and if i recall you are 100% happy with your body - so why diet if you are happy? unless its for health reasons then sod it - dont feel under any pressure to do anything unless you want to - i am envy of your body confidence. I am getting better as i get older with body confidence.

i m doing it (losing a few lb) because in September i need to pass a running test, and yearly thereafter - now i need to start running again but i do feel quite hefty so a few pound off while im in the mood is why im doing it - ive been this weight now for the last 8 years or so. Im not looking to become super model thin, just under 10 stone is where im happiest and i think it will make the running easier.

bassetfeet Mon 13-May-13 19:50:01

Hi to Glabella ,NotsoBlonde and Buggerme [my favourite swear word ]..........lovely to meet you x

All this talk of losing weight has got me pondering on the huge amount of weight I have put on in the last year. I actually dont eat a lot but am very sedentary due to back pain now. A sloth actually .
So am going to up the anty with exercising more and smaller portions . Says lardy ass Basset sitting typing with elastic skirt bursting out.

ED and SPC you made me laugh this morning with your debate .
Your bed ED rivaled Tracy Emins art work for sure . Sensible modern life art for every parent in the country . Mumsnet Turner Prize winner wink All can identify with the laundry sorting hell. Hope Brownies isnt too stressful .

CIQ Hope you are feeling better . Your weekend sounded lovely but a burden if feeling poorly . I find any ill health episode sends my anxiety soaring whether it is me or DH. Fret fret worry worry .
Do you find painting soothing ? Once you are at the class ? I love your kind and considered posts x

Nina delighted to read that Mirt is helping .so pleased . I know it is fingers crossed time but reading back through the posts that damn head monster is sleeping deeply . I guess you will be off to the Emerald Isle soon ? Lovely and if it didnt rain it would not be Emerald or so my Irish dad told me . Seeing your family and grandchildren is precious and you make an effort to make it regular xxx The family are very lucky .

Vicar you are doing just fabulous . I love it . Your strength and humanity shine from your posts . There is optimism there which is hard when you feel overwhelmed . Yup some steps forward and ones back ........but you are doing just fine dont you think all the crap considered? I am still whining for my own rats ..... but cloth lugs with nearest and dearest sad . hey ho .

LEM Delighted car is sorted and bank ok. A big relief that I empathise with wholeheartedly . Lovely you enjoyed day with DP . Hope you have a very relaxing evening and a deep restoring sleep
Leave worrying about work until next week and enjoy the knowledge that your car is done and safe .and the bank are understanding . I truly know how worried you must have been ........ xxxxxx

Snowy I bought some clothes online over the weekend [had a kind of fog descend and went one click happy ] .......but got more elastic waist skirts blush . I think you have the better idea with getting something lovely in size smaller . I do think meds and how we feel has huge impact on weight and am not making excuses I think . I hate the anxiety lack of appetite and churning . The see saw of eating and hungry /nausea and not eating . Hope you are feeling ok and day hospital isnt too noisy . We sensitive souls do not need noise . take care x

UA Thinking of you and can only guess how much you have to get sorted along with your grief my love . So hope you have support and send you strength and an arm around you through the ether.

Waves to all I may have forgotten . xx

LEMisdisappointed Mon 13-May-13 20:15:43

It is a health thing really Vicar - i am happy with my body, at least i am when i am naked - i would like to find more clothes to fit though smile

I have toothache and it hurrrrrrrrrrrrrts, i am too embarrased to go to the dentist, my teeth are in a terrible state - one completely broken in half becuse an idiot dentist filled it unecessarily. I know if i go to the dentist I will just be told off and will be mortified - have taken paracetemol, not working. I had about three months of agony with this tooth at the begining of the year - bloody hell, today was going really well. Any home remedies? short of ripping the bloody thing out myself!

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 13-May-13 20:22:08

lem - you need to see a dentist. No home remedies sort toothache in my humble experience.

the dentist will not tell you off - my dh used to be so terrified of the dentist that when i finally got him to go, he needed thousands of pounds worth of work doing, he needed teeth out, root canal work, it went on for months.
he goes regularly now. He told the dentist how scared he had been of going and they were fab with him.
dont be embarrassed - just brace yourself and make an appt. smile you will feel better for it,

Basset thank you. Must be very hard to loose weight/exercise with back probs. Have you ever tried something like Yoga or Pilates? I was prescribed a 6 week pilates course after having back probs from carrying a toddler too much - and it sorted it completely. Around here there are also gentle yoga classes for people who are older/have back probs. Could you face swimming? Otherwise yes to smaller portions (and/or increase protein and veg and cut down on pots, pasta, bread)

Virus is easing, but I think just lots going on the last few days has fried my brain. Seeing counsellor tomorrow and I know she will ask about triggers and while I know lunch was anxiety-making as well as nice I do also think there's a brain overload thing going on. The painting thing is interesting. I wouldn't say soothing as sometimes I find it stressful cos its hard! But its very absorbing so less time to worry, and the other people are lovely esp one ex health visitor who I had a nice chat to last week (tho haven't told anyone about MH stuff. Nearly told her last week - said I'd had a difficult start to the year. But its nice to go somewhere where the MH stuff is pushed to the side).

LEM vicar's right. Book it and treat yourself (with something unsugary) after. Maybe be worth pre-empting with a "bad experience with previous dentist" comment to explain delay like Vicar's DH?

Vicar wow I can imagine a running test would make you want to loose a few pounds! My dh took up running after his depression and keeps trying to get me to. Prefer walking, plus I can take photos and get painting ideas (well that's what I tell him!) Could you start with two short ones a week - I can imagine fitting them in around shifts can't be easy. Definitely sounds like a good plan to cut a shift though.

Hi everyone x

SnowyMouse Mon 13-May-13 21:54:55

Just coming to say good night, my thoughts are with everyone.

good night snowy x

bassetfeet Mon 13-May-13 22:00:03

Night night Snowy x

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 13-May-13 22:14:29

night JohnBoy snowy x

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 13-May-13 22:52:24

thanks colouring - i was running up until last year - funnily enough i now also have some back problems ever since i fell down stairs.....

but i need to start running again. i used to do it - i used to run in the evening on day shifts, the morning on afternoon shifts and whenever on nights....

i just need to start again. i need to pick a day and not think too hard about it. i was up to 10k (6 miles) at one point and joined a club - but then i fell downstairs and it all went to pot.

I think i could probably still manage a couple of miles but its speed and stamina this flaming test needs....so i need to really pick it up again and soon. tbf it did always make me feel better, but im sure if i can lose a few pounds it will feel easier.

just popped on really to say goodnight to everyone - will try very hard to pop back tomorrow night.
x

Evening all.

Crap afternoon and evening.

Printing took hours.
Couldn't get car access to location so was late.
Meeting was awful. I hated every minute of it. We were doing a badge and although we do it through games and stuff this weeks was to a certain extent academic...I hated every minute of it. Just like I hate every minute of teaching. I know I was stressed because I couldn't remember any of the kids names. It was horrible. Horrible. Horrible.

I am hard on myself. I am self critical. My confidence is non existent. I don't know where to go next. ..with brownies. ..with teaching...with life.

As usual. It's monday night. I'm stressed. I'm just lost.

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 13-May-13 23:57:55

ed

one thing i have just realised - today.

when away from the thing that stresses you, you build it up in your mind. it becomes a monster.
i found a bit of paper today that i had written all my issues around my job on.
yes - they were real to me at that moment - but what i have realised since going back to work is that some of them werent all that big - its taken going back to see it. i had built some things up in my head to such huge proportions that they were scary - going back and ive realised they werent that bad. and i think because im on the meds - things just seem different.

i am also a total perfectionist. counselling is making me see that up to this point - if do nothing more - i was good enough.

i do not have to be perfect. no one expects it, no one thinks less of me for not being perfect. its me. its in my head. my counsellor has encouraged me to think about what sort of person i am, what sort of mother, what sort of wife, what sort of friend.....

you could so do with some counselling. You are lost just now - it doesnt mean its forever. i was lost. Remember that night i just ran away? i didnt think i could come back from that. but i did. within weeks i felt stronger. more prepared. more able. less self conscious.

you can do this ed. you can.
the thought of my fears was so much worse than the reality. and if i get bad again - i will leave. simple. its not a huge deal anymore.

Thanks vicar.

I know my problems revolve around my high expectations. Attention to detail. Perfectionism.

Whenever I evaluated any of my lessons my list of potential improvements was alwsys longer than the positives.

I haven't napped today...no room in my bed. So I'm tired. I'm going to sleep.

Thsnkd for tge consistent wise words. Just need to sleep noe.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 14-May-13 00:15:04

snap with the high expectations.
and i know where it comes from. and i have to stop it - because its from the past and not from now. nothing bad will happen to me if i dont achieve perfection.
bad things happened anyway - even when i did.

i know where my need to please comes from. now i have to deal with it.

no one really cares if i am brilliant or not. thats the truth. and im ok. i do ok. in fact on many levels, i do better than ok. and thats good enough.

when you realise that - things feel different. they really do.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 14-May-13 00:18:41

sleep well ed
ill pop back tomorrow night. i must get to bed myself now - i slept so badly last night....and im up for work tomorrow.

gnite, x

Thanks vicar

One of the problems for me is the way the course is assessed. Its all subjective. Someones opinion on top of self assessment. I'm obviously overcritical on self assessment. I try to read too much into the subjective assessment. I can't compare myself to my peers cos they are all in different schools.

Exams are much better. It's right or wrong. You get a %. I know where on the scale of performance a given % is compared to my own expectations; my cohort; the grade boundaries. I can use this information to make an accurate judgement and critique of my performance.

Anyway.

Rubbish night. Feeling very very nauseous now.

I opened my blinds in my bedroom yesterday when I was sorting washing, but not my white thin cotton curtains.

I went to bed.

At ridiculous o'clock (I'm sure it was before 4am) the sun came up snd beamed through the practically see through curtains. I couldn't be arsed to get up and close blinds. So I kept waking.

So today I have:

Got up. Dressed to level 3
Emptied dw
Filled dw
Put washing on
Set mouse trap (live catch one)
Redressed myself to level 1
Closed blinds
Climbed into bed.

I am now going to crochet luigis hat before a nap.

Night all.. or should that be nap all???

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 14-May-13 09:21:27

Ed I loved the photo of the bed smile

It sounds like you deserve and need a bit of downtime.

Hi Ed sorry to hear yesterday was so tough. Definitely a day for a nap. Hope you wake feeling refreshed.

vicar its interesting to hear about your counselling and so pleased to hear its proving effective. Mine has started to look at the good enough side of things too...

Yes another perfectionist here. Ed I recognise your improvements comments and completely sympathise re: the assessment vs exams thing. Assessment is v hard. Felt awful yest cos forgot DD had a sports trip and was supposed to take trainers and tracksuit trousers to school and had to manage without. She told me she cried cos she thought her teacher would be cross, and then she cried cos she thought I'd be cross that she would have to get her plimsoles and pe kit muddy. I hate that she fears I will be cross with her. Too stern a mother.

Anyhow if you haven't guessed I'm not having a good day. Pity post alert. I think last three busy days have caught up with me. And tho they were busy I didn't get any housework done and place is a mess again. Paranoid that the friend I met for lunch yesterday thinks I'm boring/I said too much about my MH cos she usually says we must meet up again soon, or similar, but didn't make any comments about that at all. Maybe this is just me. Maybe I get stressed doing the school run cos I'm just a bit crap really. Most mothers I know find it stressful but I go home and wallow. Grrr. Have counselling soon, so hopefully that will help. But I will definitely be going back to bed when I get back and will have to work hard to walk past the bakers and not go in and buy one of their amazing freshly baked huge Viennese fingers wink.

Its all feeling relentless today. Feels like having had three days of being fairly "normal" doing stuff like seeing people, shopping, meeting a friend for lunch, today I feel like I'm back to square one. Constant negative internal voice, feel so useless. Want to escape somehow. My poor DH having to put up with this for so long.

Notsoblonde Tue 14-May-13 14:25:26

Hi all,have just been to gp as I have been having chest pains since dh went away back to work on Friday, had my 3rd session of counselling this week, and although It went well my body isn't reacting well, I initially got prescribed citalopram but noticed on the leaflet that you shouldn't take it if you have an irregular heart beat and I googled and there is a link with high dose citalopram and cardiac defects, so I didn't take it, I felt better, thought there was no need. Gp gave me sertraline instead today but am still reluctant to take it sad I can't help it, it's kind of part of the problem I worry about taking medication incase something happens to me and am on my own with the dc, as dh is away for long periods.

I know a few of you have taken sertraline, any experiences would be great. Am also worried if I take it it might make me drowsy and my work involves a lot of driving and obv need to be alert with regards to my job.

ed am also very self critical of myself, the counsellor picked it up on the first appt, I am a nurse and sometimes feel am not good enough in work amd at home.

God what a miserable post that was, sorry.

NanaNina Tue 14-May-13 14:29:50

Oh CiQ I can join you in a CRAP day. I woke this morning in the depths of despair (no trigger) and is the worst day I've had since been on the new meds, and I was secretly thinking I had got my life back, but too scared to say it out loud.....had 2 longish crying bouts, which helps relieve the tension but gives me a huge headache, but that's nothing compared with the bloody depression. Fuck the Fluctuations of this illness. Hope you don't mind the swearing! I too have the ANTS in myhead (automatic negative thoughts) that make us spiral down and down - it's hard to shut them up I know, and catastrophising doesn't help but that's what I've been doing all morning, so trying to distract myself on here. I think fluctuations are the "nature of the beast" with depression and anxiety and we have to remember that blue sky will appear again.

I don't know about you, but when I am crap I have absolutely no understanding of what it's like to be OK. I am thinking of yesterday and wondering how I did what I did (which wasn't that much, dentist, shopping, ironing etc) as today any motivation to do anything has completely evaporated. Course when I'm OK I have no awareness of the Crapness, so it works both ways.

Basset I read your post last night and I had a big smile at "lardy arse Bassett" and your "elasticated waist skirts" - I never wear skirts, but trousers have to be "forgiving" around the waist. You might be overweight (like me) but I bet you give great cuddles! See my headmonster has woken up and poked me, just to let me know he is still around!

Vicar you are sounding much more together these days, and are beginning to realise that you don't have to keep on proving yourself, you're doing just fine as you are. You've probably heard this slogan (as it's on some T shirts) "Be yourself - everyone else is Taken"

Sorry I can't say much more - short on the empathising today. Yes Basset we are actually going to the emerald Isle on Thursday as my grandson makes his first communion on Sat. Big thing in Ireland. I am a lapsed Catholic and athiest now, DP rock solid athiest, my son (dad of my grandson) also athiest and dil lapsed Catholic but pretends not to be cus her parents are still staunch catholics, so we will make a motley crew in church! Mind i am now worrying that I will be crap while I am over there........NO I must try to put that thought from my mind. Have my CPN coming tomorrow, which will be good, cus I like her so much and she's really experienced - been in the job over 20 years.

Ed sorry you are having a crap time too.

Lem yep the only way to go with toothache is to a dentist. What's a few seconds of pain with an injection to hours of horrible toothache.

Snowy how are you.

Sorry if I've missed anyone - going to lie under my fluffy blanket on my bed.

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 14-May-13 14:48:43

LEM you do need the dentist, are you registered with one? There are some dentists who specialise in helping those with dental fear in various ways, perhaps you could find one?

Nana sorry to hear the monster is awake. Where (roughly) in Ireland are you going? Not obsessed with all things Irish atm cos of The Irishman, Oh no hmm Hopefully I'm going to go to Kerry this summer.

NanaNina Tue 14-May-13 15:28:32

Hello SPC my son and dil and children live about 15 miles North of Dublin in a small seaside town (Bettystown) on the East coast. It is rather unprepossessing to be honest. The nearest town is Drogeda. The beach is wide and windy and when that East wind gets up it's mighty cold! What happened was that there was vast amounts of farm land and the farmer sold it off and new estates were built and built and built........and my son and dil live on one of these estates. The problem is that when the boom turned to bust in about 2007 (just as they moved over there!) the infrastructure to support all this housing was started, but never finished. There is a huge Tesco that never has many customers even just before Christmas (so Tesco didn't see the bust coming) and there are lots of empty shops around Tesco. It's sad really because the cranes are all in situ and it's like a ghost town.

The one good thing of course is that there is not a lot of traffic in Ireland (until you get to Dublin!!) and the estates have wide pavements, grassy areas, and signs at each end saying "Caution children playing" so the kids can ride their bikes, play football on the green, whatever and they are relatively safe. My 8 year old g'son plays out a lot on his bike and whilst I worry if he is out of sight on "my watch" he knows where he can go and usually sticks to it.

They moved to Ireland because my dil was headhunted for a jon with Pepsico (she's a brand manager) but don't really know what it entails. However she was made redundant last year but has another job based at Dublin Airport but "brand-managing" on a global basis. My son also has a good job in Dublin, so thank god for that, because they would never sell their house, and the cost of living is really high in the republic. They go "up North" across the border for big shopping, as the prices are the same as the UK of course.

Phew......long answer to a short question. Am picking up a bit now, so this is therapeutic and is passing the time and keeping my negative thoughts under control. Who is this Irishman of which you speak? I have never been to Kerry, well we've never been anywhere in Ireland really because we go mainly to see the grand children but we've had the odd day in Dublin and Belfast! My dil is Irish but from the NOrth, so this summer we shall be visiting her dad and him and his partner are taking us to the Giant's Causeway. They do say the West of Ireland is beautiful but wet. But my experience of Ireland is that it is mostly always raining!!

Nana join in - tho I'm gutted for you that you're having a crap day having had a big improvt since starting the mirt. Yes the fluctuations are totally crap and I also get what you mean about not knowing how you do the good days. I have no idea how I managed to enjoy Saturday - I don't recognise the "me" that was at that party... I now have to play lego with my lovely cute DS tho I'd rather be in bed sad

Hi notso sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I'm on fluox myself, but I think vicar is on sert. They can make you feel rough for the first couple of weeks, but generally worth sticking with. Good luck.

Glabella Tue 14-May-13 17:20:45

Hi all, sorry to those of you who have had crap days recently. I have been feeling a little better, the thoughts of harming myself have receded which is a relief. I have been opening up more to my counsellor and have started a thread on relationships about stuff that happened in my marriage which has been helping me to see things more clearly.

I went to the gp today, which I hate being medical, it's so odd being the patinet. She signed me off for a month and suspects I will need longer which was a bit of a wake up call for how long it will take for me to recover from this. But good news on my course, I will only need to repeat the one placement that I am missing, rather than the whole year.

I am staying at my mums with my partner, they are still looking after dd but I can pop downstairs and see her when I feel better which is good. I get so exhausted though- an hour or so with her and my mum and I have had enough, I start to need to escape. It is good to have her here though, even if I can just hear her playing in the garden.

NanaNina Tue 14-May-13 17:26:05

Oh CinQ Oh you are sweet, feeling "gutted" for me when you are suffering yourself. I really feel for you young mums who have kids to care for, cus no matter how much you love them, it's a tough call to "act" the ok mum when you are feeling so crap. I'm worrying about whether I will be an "ok nanny" for my lovely grandchildren, and it's really important to me that I am, as I only see them for 4 or 5 days once every 6 weeks.

The fluctuations are so bloody wierd aren't they. I look at things I've bought when I've been feeling like "me" and stare at whatever it is, wondering how on earth I managed to go to a big shopping centre near here and buy something! I've picked up a bit but still feel shite, and mainly worrying about our Ireland trip on Thursday. I've been up and down for 3 years (as you probably know) but since the mirtazapine I've been mostly fine, so was really looking forward to this trip to Ireland, as I was feeling confident that the bad days had gone. Ah well, my CPN is coming tomorrow but the medics don't know any more than we do the reason for the fluctuations, unless of course there is a definite trigger.

Really hope this is a short "blip" (as the medics like to call these crap days) for you. How old is your little boy? Speak again tomorrow? Oh this thread is so good, as only those of us with this illness can understand. Sending you warm wishes......NNx

Thanks nana Yes this thread is a lifeline isn't it I know exactly what you mean. My lovely ds is 5 in a fortnight, I also have a dd8. Lego wasnt too bad. Am now cooking dinner and have cracked open the gin. I know its a stupid idea but I just dont care. Sorry to hear about feeling apprehensive about ireland - i can totally understand. Maybe when you get off the plane/ferry the change of scene will help pick you up. I think on sat the drive thru lovely sussex countryside helped a bit.

glabella really pleased to hear how yr doing. Sounds an ideal setup at yr mums and glad to hear you will only have a placement to repeat. Really hope the time off is helpful.

bassetfeet Tue 14-May-13 17:44:52

Crap days set us back so much and it is bloody awful . Like going back to day one and crawling up the slope again and again . Your words re wondering how we coped so well in days previous rang a bell with me
I cant understand either CIQ and Nina. A pendulum swinging and I forget who the hell the real me is . So hope tomorrow is better . We never know do we ? It makes you weary .

notso stick with your med if you can and let two weeks go by while it settles . I do think that you should have sick leave while adjusting to them ? I am ex nurse and so get the stress you are under . You sound to me as though you need some rest also. xx

Achh Nina damn that head monster . I hate to think of you weeping . But agree that crying at least gets rid of the tension and exhausts. So sorry to read this . You write so well and explain the stuff I cant articulate how this evil illness is .
But you pick yourself up and dust yourself down and move on .
Hope the bonny isle is dry and sunny for your grandsons communion
As we have discussed before a church can be very soothing in its walls and history. Your family are lucky to have you so interested and involved . Take care Nina and a bosomy hug from me .x

Hi snowy you ok ?

UA guess life must be very hard and lots to do at the moment .
Hope you are getting support . Hold on lass x

bassetfeet Tue 14-May-13 17:51:55

cross posted with you Glabella
so pleased you are feeling a little better and that only your placement needs redoing smile

I remember my doctor telling me when I whimpered I cant take time off ...only a week then blah ......his words :

" it has taken a long time for you to get to this state and will take equal time to recover "

Be gentle with yourself x

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 14-May-13 18:51:42

Yes, I remember reluctantly going to GP to get signed off for a week. He wouldn't hear of it, and gave me a fortnight. And I so needed it.

(Unfortunately work situation and marriage didn't improve, so relapsed eventually. Gave up work in 2009, got divorced in Feb 2012, Ex finally went Aug 2012, mh improved amazingly, just me and DCat now, thought I. Then early this year a v long term friendship took an unexpected turn (he is London-Irish) blush blush esp as I had thought all that was over with now. ^^ to explain previous posts )

Kerry suffers from a similar phenomenon, NN, except there it is half-finished mansions, apparently.

Thanks Basset bit daunted by what your Doc said - my DH thinks I've been (mildly) depressed for years.. sad
Anyhow one G&T and beer later and am feeling more chilled. I know its not a good idea but I feel relaxed and able to have a joke with the kids at dinner. I have to try and not think beyond that. I do fear when I'm like this that if I told dh what I was actually thinking he would leave - as would I if I were him. Anyway in danger of slight alcohol induced rant and want to spare you lovely people that at least. Off to try and book remainder of summer holiday - need a nice B&B/cheap hotel an hour outside of Paris in a reasonable area. All the recommendations on mumsnet are booked cos I've left it late hmm so will have to do some trawling. Am at least looking forward to going back to France - have good memories of last year's sunny holiday. Take care all, and esp hugs to UA.

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 14-May-13 19:06:57

Well, CIQ there is recovery and recovery. It's a constant process without an end point. However, you can be happy again at any point in the journey smile

bassetfeet Tue 14-May-13 19:23:25

Ah CIQ sorry for that . I thought a week off work was all it needed to get balanced again . My main thoughts were of being ashamed of not sorting it all myself. A weakness in my make up somehow. I was at a very bad place before emergency appt with doctor... so think he was being kind and telling me not to worry anymore about sick notes and work . Not to feel I had let myself down . I had tried so hard to help myself as we all do and failed .

SPC says it so concisely .

We dont cave at the first signs something is wrong and plough on ..and on and on and on ........so yes it takes time to build up and time to recover .
But we will.

hoochymama1 Tue 14-May-13 19:58:50

Hello, I have felt so crappy over the last few days. I had a busy weekend and on monday felt tearful and panicky and afraid. I am just hanging on by the skin of my teeth atm. I know the sertraline is making a difference to me but I just want to stop the world and get off. Bleurgh.

I am grimly hanging on.

So good to hear about everyone. Lots of love to UA, have a good time in Ireland Nana. I'm welsh so I know about rain. so glad things are going better for you Glabella. It just takes time.
Waves to CIQ, Basset Vicar and TSP, love and hugs to Snowy.

Oo one good thing about the sert is that I have lost weight. But I feel SO sick a lot of the time. Is it the meds or the MH, or both?

LEMisdisappointed Tue 14-May-13 20:03:08

Oh, so sorry to hear that so many of you are having shite days today sad and yesterday. Ed you had what sounded like a really demanding weekend, you are bound to be exhausted, yet you still manage to do so much - You have inspired me and today I went and bought a pattern and some knitting wool. Am just casting on now!! DD made a hmm face at me knitting her another jumper! Am hoping its therapeutic.

Nana sad to think of you crying - I do hope your visit to ireland to see the family perks you up some. I so get it with the fluctuations, that is the most frustrating thing for me, i have OK days, like yesterday - so nice, me and DP together, like old times - today, wired, agitated and nervous. At least my toothache has abated for a bit - im stubborn when it comes to the dentist - i had an abscess just before xmas and just sat it out hmm I have a high pain threshold but last night was pushing it.

CiQ i am quite envy about the lego - my DD(7) is into role play and board games in which she wants to cheat - i swear it makes me climb the walls, to the point i just refuse to play, i would quite happily sit and make lego stuff with her, but she has made some sort of house contraption and in DD stylee it cannot be touched! I have to admit that i have very limited patience for "play" and this makes me sad. DP does so well but he finds it so demanding as she never gives him any respite. I have bought wine tonight, felt i neded it, not sure i will have any though.

Silvery - I am glad that your friendship took a twist, at least if it is the sort of twist i am hoping for, I love to hear about people finding someone.

Weird day for me today - didn't want to be at home so i took my kindle with me to the town, bought some bits in iceland and then went and sat in costa packet coffee and sat and finished my book. I was in there for hours blush long enough to hear one woman giving a pep talk to two teenagers - i dont think she was their mother, a youth worker maybe? Another couple of women slagging their DH's off, was tempted to tell them to leave the bastards! Another woman and her daughter having an argument, ended with daughter storming off, woman on mobile to someone about how vile she was leaving her in this town with no way to get back, the daughter then pulled up outside and was sounding the horn on her car until the mother went - was amusing. Read my book, turned out to be shite, then some women gabbling on about their holidays made me feel stressed. Coffee kicked in and i ended up buying a knitting pattern, looking in charity shops, came home, felt crap, my mum wanted me to go to town with her so i jumped at opportunity not to be home. Shit call from mortgage company i feel shite again, its not a major set back but of course its all that adrenalin feeling of sickness that im sure we all recognise. I know that you AND my MH person, my Dr, AND my DP don't think im ready to get a job yet but i feel that is the only thing that will help tbh, i cant stand being at home as that is when the anxiety kicks in and we need the money. Drs tomorrow, out of meds will see what she has to say.

Vicar - keep positive, you are awe inspiring - hoping you continue to feel better.

Glabella - glad your uni stuff is sorted, get as much rest as you can, glad you are being taken care of.

LEMisdisappointed Tue 14-May-13 20:06:19

oh and cross posts with hoochy - i should like to loose weight - my bloody meds are making me eat like ive never eaten before sad Sorry you are feeling crap too.

This illness is so bloody frustrating, its just so vague - if we had a liver complaint the doctor would take bloods and based on those results suggest a treatment, MH seems to be such a vague science, a sort of suck it and see treatment regime

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 14-May-13 20:07:10

evening all.

CIQ - just need to answer something you said in a previous post which stuck with me.....you said about your friend not saying "meet up again soon" and so you have read into that another meaning....

when i first went to occupational health, the advisor (not my counsellor) told me that when we are depressed we have a 'negative filter' - so we filter out all those things in a conversation, or all those things that we think were not in a conversation, that confirm our negative thoughts about ourself, because we are depressed. Its all smoke and mirrors. Its not what people are thinking, but it what we tell ourselves, because we look for reasons, and when down, surely that reason must be us?? no? she gave me an example:

she said, one morning, while depressed, we get up, and we leave the house to go on an errand, and we see our friend over the road.
Friend normally would stop for small talk, but this morning she doesnt.
so we wonder why. and we wonder what we have done, have i done something wrong or offended her? it must be something ive done, because normally, she would stop and talk, it must be me. i wonder what ive done.

when in reality, she could be rushing for any number of reasons, she is busy, she just didnt have time to stop for a chat this morning - because her kids are poorly and she is rushing to the shop before her DH leaves for work, or there is no one for the kids. So she is rushing. Doesnt have time to stop, or explain...

but its very unlikely to be you - its your negative filter kicking in....

Same with your friend ciq - you are reading into the fact she didnt say meet up again soon....she maybe just forgot. she maybe had something on her mind. she maybe lost track of time and was thinking about getting to the shops for tea before picking the kids up....
see??
If she didnt like seeing you, she wouldnt have met you for lunch. She likes you, she likes your company. She just forgot to say meet again soon - or maybe - she just thought it was a given, and she didnt have to say it.....

its definitely true this negative filter thingy....

nana im so sorry HM is awake again - i do hope its just a stirring from a long long coma....i was thinking how much better you seemed on the mirt.....might just be your body adjusting.

im tired today. i started to do my application for part time working today. I think i will feel better when thats done. I looked at my colleagues today, and most of them, are lovely. funny. nice people. I think ive probably been a bit unfair - two are giving me a wide berth but thats ok - its people i can take or leave. (and leaving is easier)

most are not being nosey. one (lovely person) actively asks me if im ok, how i am, how DS is doing, etc etc....they are actually a nice group of people. I just couldnt cope before, and like you ciq i was reading into everything. Things that just werent there i think in some cases.
not all.
i miss nothing. nothing ever goes over my head - but....im trying not to catch everything - some things im just letting go over my head, pretending i didnt spot it....but mostly im thinking sod it - at the end of the day, these are people i work with. i dont have to socialise with them. They dont have to like me - as long as we can rub along together, we make each other laugh, and its not actively uncomfortable then all is well.

i really have taken a chill pill. (called Sertraline!) best go take it now actually.....ooops.

NanaNina Tue 14-May-13 20:15:55

Me again. Mood lifted a fair bit but I am scared of tomorrow now and scared of Thursday morning when we set off for Ireland. I would never ever have believed I would feel like this. Basset you are so so comforting and your phrase of "crawling up the slope again and again" and (in my case) never reaching the soddin summit, even though it's tantalisingingly in sight, resonates with me, but it also makes me wonder about you, as you are so generous spirited that you don't post much about your own trials with mental illness. So please tell us (me) about your pendulum that swings (excellent metaphor) and how you cope with the crap days, do they get better as the day wears on or not. Yes weary is a very good word to describes these recurring crap days. I didn't say out loud to anyone that I thought I was getting my life back, because in my mind that would be tempting fate. Hmmm must not catastrophise......must not have ANTs (automatic negative thoughts) have been trying to tell myself this might be a one off.

Thank you for your kind words, but the chance of the bonny isle being dry and sunny is extremely remote! I've done most of my prep for the trip - we only take little "carry on" cases as I leave a lot of stuff over there, toiletries etc. Mind I've just phoned my sister who looks after our cats when we are away and I tried to say I was "fine" but she said "No you're not, what's the matter, the usual" I brushed it aside as best I could.

Glad you are feeling better CIQ - are mornings worse for you? Glabella glad you have seen your GP and can understand how wierd it must be for you, being on the "wrong side of the desk" so to speak. I sent a long post to you but probably a few pages back now. Sounds an ideal set-up at your mom's house. Bet she's worried about youthough. We never stop worrying about our "kids" - mine are in their 40s but we stil call them "the boys"

Ah SPC soooo glad you have found a special man in your life - take things steady now........I'm sure you will after your experiences with the ex H. You are so right that as far as recovery is concerned, it's a constant journey with no end point. Except that there is for some, I made a full recovery after my first major episode and was fine for 15 years till I came off the meds......oh enough of that. Apparently 4 out of 5 people make a full recovery from depression in 4/6 months and that timescale was exactly right for me the first time. But I think the older we are and the more episodes we have, the hill to recovery is so much steeper.

Oh Basset WHY do we think these things about ourself when we are depressed.
I too am ashamed at not being able to sort this illness out - feel worthless and that I have "let down" my loved ones. Been saying sorry to DP all morning and he always says the same "don't be sorry N it's not your fault" - he's very caring when I am down. Not always like this though - we do have some spectacular rows too! However after 40 years plus we know each other pretty well. And YES we plough on and on - I know they are symptoms of the illness but they are such tough ones, because we don't feel like this with a physical illness.

Snowy you've gone quiet - are you ok? Even if you're not, come and talk to us.

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 14-May-13 20:42:45

Those negative filters can stuck on a bit if you have ever been in an abusive situation (work or relationship or whatever), because second guessing others becomes a routine part of communication. However, the filters can be changed to more positive ones - or, if you are feeling brave, removed altogether...

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 14-May-13 20:43:13

*get stuck on

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 14-May-13 20:47:28

NN you just have to accept that feeling ashamed of being depressed is just another of the symtoms of being depressed. And I have spent many fruitless days telling myself to 'pull my socks up' even though I know I can't in that state. This is one reason why I go light if anyone tries to tell me to do that very thing!

Am lucky in that I only get down as a result of lack of motivation these days, and having slimmed down my commitments, I find it easier to get started on what is left, so more likely to nip it in the bud.

Thanks vicar your post and scenario made me well up in a good way. I completely get what you're saying, its just so bloody hard to believe it on days like today.

I am so pleased that your chill pill wink is working.

I am having counselling (psycho dynamic it is proving useful in understanding how this situation came about) and my counsellor does suggest alternative perspectives but do I need to do some hard-core CBT or something?

I am ashamed I can't pull my socks up too SPC

Nyna so glad to hear your DH is sympathetic. Really hope your mood continues to lighten

LEM you're right lego is much better than the sort of games my DD who's 8 wants to play...

I think I'm over-analysing again. Trying to work out what of my thoughts are "normal" and what aren't. Not helpful. Need to distract my head but the motivation is a b*****r today!

Hoochy sympathies with the grimly hanging on.

bassetfeet Tue 14-May-13 21:11:31

Nina thank you for caring so much about me and all of us here .
I think every generation carries its own burden and belief do you?
"Nervous Breakdown" was spoken in hushed tones when I grew up.
It carried a stigma . These were post war years when we were children . I came home and found my mother unconscious from overdose when I was 13. The overriding memory I have is being told to tell anyone who asked lies as to what had happened . Shameful and must be never talked about .

My sons dont understand although they are fine lads and kind . But there is the unspoken feeling that I am a bit off the wall and indulgent with my quirks. I have heard them talking and it hurt very badly . I never let them into my pain now.

So yes I feel ashamed and somehow unworthy . My DH is wonderful after not understanding for a while how his lively wife became a ghost . Work I loved but it got too much and was last straw to break my fragile back .

All ok usually with my meds and mindfulness . But cant shake the humiliation emotion . It is how it was seen when a child and how I view myself now .

Unfortunatelyanxious Tue 14-May-13 21:50:46

Thank you all so much for your loving best wishes, it really means a lot to me.

I have been totally numb for the last few days, very peculiar as my emotions usually run wild.

I have managed to arrange the funeral by phone, his nursing home have been helpful and DH though not that talkative has done stuff like buy flowers and do the shopping. He also really helped go though my Dads papers. He had 3k in his bank account which was a shock to me and he may have more, this will be sorted later. I'm his next of kin and my dbro has insisted I have this money.

I had my appointment with a psychiatrist yesterday, I had scribbled down notes over a couple of weeks and DH had sent a list. She thinks I do have bi polar and I'm seeing her again so she can have a really good look through my notes.

Thanks again, it has been a really difficult time over the last few days. The funeral is on Monday but I'm going to go a couple of days before.

I hope everyone is getting support.

bassetfeet Tue 14-May-13 22:00:48

UA you are coping so well in this time of sadness. so well xx

Excellent that your psych has background info and has a diagnosis in mind that will mean you get the right meds and help .

I have put in my diary Monday to send thoughts and comfort to you through the ether . xx

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 14-May-13 23:12:26

hi UA - im so sorry you are going through such grief.

ashamed.
i get that. totally. i hve been unable to utter a single word to anyone as to why i vanished for 5 months. or why i reappeared.

and i cant. i cant tell anyone i work with other than those on a "need to know" basis. That would be just a few people in supervisory capacity.
its shit. i know its shit. but i arent brave enough to challenge it. i challenged the dicksplash who belittled me at work but i know he knows why i was off. I got angry because i know i have right on my side and he is a dicksplash. He is the only person i have challenged on their views - because he has been so blatant about it. The others would have an opinion but keep it to themselves. not sure whats worse really. so i dont tell anyone that doesnt need to know.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 14-May-13 23:14:03

basset - just want to echo what nana said - you are such a comfort that sometimes its easy to forget why you are on these threads to begin with....
but you are such a comfort for so many. i hope you know that.

bassetfeet Tue 14-May-13 23:27:39

Thanks Vicar you made this thread and so many of us have found solace ,advice and laughter here .
A virtual village of fabulous people all ages and background grin
You are lovely and we wouldnt be getting the help here without you .

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 14-May-13 23:35:08

vicar tis quite normal to keep details of any sickness, whether physical or mental, as a private thing.

Not being ashamed of mental ill heath does Not have to be demonstrated by being over-open about it. OTOH, challenging someone who bullies you because of it seems to me to show a considerable lack of shame, and a large amount of personal integrity.

With my AS I am inclined to over-share, but luckily have managed to get paid for actually having 'lived experience', as we call it these days in the mh world. In my last job, in SU Involvement, such experience was on the Desirable list smile (Sadly with cuts there are now many fewer such jobs)

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 14-May-13 23:43:41

thank you both. flowers

you know you all mean such a lot to me on here, because i feel so often i should be sorted, and im so not, and on these threads, thats ok. its normal. its ok to have been unwell.

ive still not heard back re the complaint but i believe it was being discussed by senior management. I dont want to do a hatchet job on someones career - i just want them to A) leave me alone and B) learn some bloody manners and keep their nose out of business that isnt even theirs.

i discussed this today with a lovely colleague - we decided that a suitable punishment would be to put him in stocks and pelt him with rotten fruit. grin
wont happen. shame.....i reckon we could learn a thing or two in modern policing if the consequences were being pelted with rotten fruit....grin

this i know for sure. i left a banana in my kit bag. it was NOT a pretty sight....i had to wash everything and bin my paperwork. punishment indeed.....

im starting to feel better about my own humanity in this job. Today i went to a really complex situation, one that required less of a police officer and more of an agony aunt....thats my forte really.
I should start a column.
Dear Vicar......reckon HQ would go for it? smile

Well

I made a resolution that I would respond personally today.

After 4 hours sleep I feel functional.

I have done loads:

3 loads of washong
Unloaded and reloaded dw
Spellings with dd
Reading with dd
Crochet
Wii
Tidied away straight after tea
Put rubbush oht (bin day tomorrow)

But I have had over a bottle of qine. I have mega hiccups and I can't resists.

DEAR VICAR,

SHOUKD I QUIT OGCE OR NOT???

(I shall read reat of thread tomorroq when I can rwad....)

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 15-May-13 00:53:36

ed

DO NOT MAKE A DECISION WHILE DEPRESSED.....

do you have to make the decision now? can it just go on hold for a bit longer?

really - people counselled me against making decisions while depressed - and only now can i see why.

depression colours everything - it paints things in a very different light.
going back too early can be very bad. not going back at all can be very bad.
get better. get to a place where you feel you can test the water. then do it. test it out.
at the moment, my work load is light and im being well looked after, but things just feel different now im back. There are times i still want to panic....but i swallowing the panic and having a go and finding i am able enough to deal with most things this job throws at me....so far anway.

you know how when you look back at things it can be trhough rose tinted specs?
well depression is similar - but you remember things through very dingy tinted specs.....it all felt much worse than the reality of going back. i was so scared to go back, but i really felt i owed to myself to see - and the reality, as in lots of things, is much less frightening than what was in my own head.

I felt so alone before - but now, whether their heart is in it or not - there are so many people with a vested interest in getting me to a point im comfortable in my job. Yes ive been action planned - but its for my own benefit.
Im dropping a shift - all fine and dandy.
the job, the people, (well - ok - most of them) are bending over backwards to make this work for me. So i owe it to myself and to them to give it another whirl. You know me - i mnothing if not honest - and ive been very honest with my supervisors in how i feel and how i felt....they know if i feel that the job is making me ill then i will leave - but it seems for what ever reason they want to hang on to me for a bit (self preservation im pretty sure but im not reading so much into it anymore - the result is the same no matter what their motive!)

so.

no. do not give it up yet. Trial meds. Rest. do what ever you need to do for now without making a commitment either way - when you feel able (and i know how hard that is - really given a choice i dont think id have gone back - but i just waited until i had my head around it, yes it was so scary, but again, the thought of going back was worse than the reality of going back....) i picked a date - i didnt think beyond that, i didnt even prep for going back - counsellor said thats a coping mechanism and it served me rather well i have to say....

so. do not do anything while you are depressed. it will lead to what ifs and but if onlys.....

when you are sure, when you are thinking straight, then make the decsiion having tested it out first. That way - no regrets.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 15-May-13 01:02:39

Oh and I should really be in bed now. - on earlies! Will be back tomorrow evening....gnite all - hope that helped ed ....waves/hugs and squishes ro anyone and everyone else here who needs em....x

LEMisdisappointed Wed 15-May-13 07:49:40

Ed i echo vicar, no decisions yet xx

Im feeling awful phone call from mortgage comp thrown me feel like ive took ten steps back drs today but if feel that because im not am suicide risk im being fobbed off. Feel sick with fear

lem hugs. Do you want to talk about the call? I know what u mean about not being a suicide risk, but be honest about how you've been the last couple of weeks - you can refer back up thread if you need to clarify. And of course talk about financial pressures... Really hope you have a helpful appointment.

vicar I've been reflecting on what you wrote yest and had the opposite of Rose tinted specs on my mind too.

ed no decisions yet please.
Hi to spc and everyone else x

LEMisdisappointed Wed 15-May-13 09:37:35

CiQ - thanks, its just that we are behind with the mortgage (we have two on the same property) we are just over two months in arrears on one and none on the other (because DP made the wrong decision the other day when he paid one up to date it left the other two months over) it is about £800. DP called on friday to pay some of it off and spoke to an advisor who said it would be ok, also would be ok not to pay anymore until the 10th June because we were expecting DP to have to go over to monthly payments so wasn't expecting to be paid before that time. The guy on the phone told DP that once we made the june payment and things had got straightened out with DPs pay then we could make an arrangement to pay off the arrears. So yesterday got a call from the bank, they wouldn't talk to me - so i called DP at work and got him to ring them, but wouldnt have got through to the person that called. Its so annoying because one says one thing, the other says another. They told DP that until an arrangement was set up that they would continue to call and harrass but i don't understand this because DP offered the guy to pay £50 a month extra (making our total mortgage outgoings £650 a month blush - re mortgaged when we got into debt the last time i had a breakdown!). The reason i feel so bad is that nothing definate has been said.

My worst fear is losing the house, it is one of the reasons i don't do much housework, whats the point, its not mine hmm

Alot of this is my anxiety - DP has said that when he spoke to the guy on friday that we would be no where near any repossession proceedings with the amount we owe (is that true?) and when he phoned them yesterday they said similar and that they would most likely accept £50 a month so long as we can stick to it. But of course my anxiety goes from "ok, minor blip, get a grip" to full scale catastrophe "losing the house, DD taken into care because we will be homeless" scenario in 60 seconds.

This is why i feel the pressure to get a job, i don't think DPs wages are enough, they are on paper but they don't cover any emergencies and extras such as taxing the car, the crash, mot etc - had to pay out £150 on the weekend for that - ok, DP saved us a futher £100 by doing the work himself but still had to pay for tyre, replacement headlight unit, and the MOT itself - the headlight unit was on top of the £150. I don't have the luxury of recovering - everyone says im too ill to work, i can't even do the housework ffs, i can't bring myself to look for a job but i know that if i don't we are going to go under, and that is for the simple reason of me not working.

Couldn't get a drs appointment, my doctor isn't there and they are closed for training this afternoon hmm So will have to play the appointment lottery again tomorrow. I'm supposed to call the counselling people today but i just feel i am being pushy and that there are other people who are more urgent than me i don't want to push somone else back, not that they will. I very much got the impression i was at the bottom of the list.

Why do i do this? I was doing ok this weekend, mortgage and car sorted (or so i thought) i had relaxed, now this sad Back to square one.

I can't even think about getting my spider as my anxiety is pushing things in the way (what if it bites me, what if i can't feed it properly, what if it dies and its my fault) sad

Sorry to waffle on. I get so me me me when im like this. Other people have more serious problems than me, their illness is worse - i really just need to get a grip don't i?

Oh lem I so get what you mean when you say me me me thats just how I felt yest (bit better today) and self loathing that I cant just get my arse off the sofa and do something! Hate the messy house but am too "lazy" to do anything about it... I think it is the nature of this awful beast. Another thing I read said action before motivation.

In my limited experience you're nowhere near re possession land and your proactive approach will go in your favour. I bet it is stressful not having any money for contingency tho. Is there anyway when you or dp speaks to someone at mortgage co that he can put whats been agreed in writing? Would that help you feel any more secure?

Lastly wink ring the counselling. YOU are important and its worth making sure your name is on their radar... take care. Am going to prise myself out of bed to sort out washing mountain and hoover downstairs! Wish me luck!

Love to all

LEMisdisappointed Wed 15-May-13 10:17:37

CiQ, i assume they will call DP again - he has told them they are not to ring home anymore and only contact him on his mobile. That was an own goal though as now i will worry he is keeping things from me. Rationally i know it will be ok. His employers are frigging around which means he is still being paid weekly, so it means what we told them last week isn't necessarily going to be the case although the months wait is looming. It does mean however that we will be able to scrape together this moths mortgage and pay so will be in a better position when the next months is due. My problem is i need constant reassurance, DP got cross wth me last night for going on about it sad

I too need to get off my arse - the hallway is a disgrace, i am going to go and do it - I AM!!! So good luck with your hoovering, wish me luck with whatever it is thats out there!! WAshing to be sorted here too! At some point, i need to start looking for a job!

ED i hope you are ok and please don't make any rash decisions, can you tell us more about where you are at with the PGCE? Don't give up - even if you think you might not want to go into teaching after all (i think you should btw, you'll be a great teacher) if you can finish the PGCE then you will have the choice, if you don't you wont - of course, if you can't then thats different but whilst you still have options, do keep them open.

Go for it lem. I have hoovered downstairs, put load of washing in AND sorted out my ds summer clothes (just in case). Once I got going it wasnt too bad... time for a shower in a mo wink and hour of downtime and then a walk with my lovely dad, then its the after school fun and games...

ed I echo lem - if theres any way you can finish/negotiate a delay or something then that still leaves the door open. However of you really dont think teaching is for you thats ok too. A good friend of mine whos very healthy and ambitious didnt finish hers as it was just too much with a family too. Take care x

Im reading a book called understanding and overcoming depression (rec by a friend) and this week's chapter says:

"In a low mood the motivation to do anything comes only after you've started the task"

"Aim for two hourly tasks a day to start with"

"Plan a pleasurable/novel thing for once a week"

"Include some positive contact with another person every day - draw on the warmth of friends"

"Every day record any experiences that helped lift you mood or give you satisfaction" this is supposed to help made headway against the negative filters.

"Remember its hard to get started with something when you're depressed, be gentlw with yourself and congratulate small steps".

I realise this is probably like teaching you lovely people to suck eggs but the motivation thing really struck a chord with me today and I want to try and remember that the motivation did come when I got started, and I do feel a sense of satisfaction now.

I'm sure theres a film or something that has a line in "xxxxx xxxx xxx they will come" am tempted to put up a post it somewhere saying get started - the motivation will come!"

Anyhow battery dying. Take care all and thanks for bearing with my rambles wink

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 15-May-13 13:41:18

CIQ it's good to be reminded of these things smile I find I can often get started by cleaning something v dirty (and I'm sploit for choice grin) - atm I am cleaning off the egg someone threw at the window last January blush - I just do a bit at a time till I am fed up, but then am likely to turn to something else, so it has got me going and there is tangible progress.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 15-May-13 14:38:09

I did the hall!! Ended up washing down the paintwork and the stairs too shock It really was awful out there - managed to tidy and hoover the living room too, its not perfect but have managed to declutter one of the sides. I put green day on the cd player as loud as it could go blush my poor neighbours, i hardly ever do that though. Then i put some C&W on and ended up sobbing because one of the songs reminded me of my dog that died before i had DD. I was good to do that though, i think i needed a cry, i don't actually cry very much. I miss my dog - we got him when we first got together and DP wasn't living locally, he was the gel that brought us closer together, we had no money (but equally no debt!) and we would walk him on the beach on days that were so cold our faces would hurt. Its daft but i feel as if everything went wrong when i lost Tiny (my 60kg rotweiller!) and its never really been the same without him. I do have two lovely JRTS now, sat on my lap most of the time - i then sobbed because i couldn't bear the thought of being without them!! Im such a twat sometimes!!

Love to all - Snowy, i hope you are OK, and you Ed. Everyone xx

Oh and CIQ yes, the motivation does come once you have started things sometimes, i really didn't want to do the hall but it was so bad, the thought of anyone knocking on the door made me feel sick.

hoochymama1 Wed 15-May-13 17:00:46

Wow LEM well done! You awesome woman. I just can't be bothered to do anything other than this damn placement. DH seems to be doing everything around the house.
My thoughts are with you about the house, we don't own ours, it comes with DH's job therefore it has never felt like mine and I cannot be bothered. I think the main thing that you and DP are doing are keeping on engaging with the mortgage company and sorting it out.It's going to the wire, but you are sorting it. Don't feel guilty, you are ill atm and need time to get better, have you found out about maximising benefits? Is CAB any good for you? Like CiQ said go for the counselling, it is your health, you are worth it.Thinking that you are not is another symptom of the illness.I think it's so lovely that you have good memories of the dog, I envy you that you can cry, I feel too numb to do that.

Ed vicar is right, take the time to decide about the PGCE. Delay if in doubt. I love the bit about the glasses, Nana said about when she's ill she can't believe that she went shopping and bought stuff. Thats so true, the well hoochy feels like another person.

The last time I was ill, 3 years ago, I was off work for 8 months, and only started doing my course 4 months after that. Give time time. Don't go back before you are ready.

Reading this I wonder if I am piling up trouble for myself by desperately hanging in with this placement. I'm shoving my depression to the back of my brain during the day, then closing down in the evening, and retreating to bed as soon as I can.

I love this thread so much, loads of love to snowy bassett and anyone I've missed.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 15-May-13 17:32:39

hoochy you are focussing on your placement, and letting everything else go hang. That's the way to do it smile for the time being, anyway.

LEM, for you it's the other way round. You need to focus on keeping-life-on-an-even-keel things. How about this? You decide how much time having a job would take, and what hours. During those hours your job for the time being is to convalesce (sp?) by doing convalescently things - be it napping, walking, reading, chilling etc. Housework, cooking, laundry and the general stuff of life Must be done outside those hours. When you've got most of your plates spinning reliably and consistently, then is the time to start searching for paid work.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 15-May-13 17:37:25

TSP - i don't know, even seein that written down makes me feel panicky, i am maybe going to do some knitting tomorrow so that counts doesn't it?

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 15-May-13 17:39:35

It certainly does smile - it counts as Convalescence. What are you knitting, and what wool? <nervously eyes unfinished jumper that has been waiting for a v long time to have stitches picked up for neckband - in pinky peachy mohair>

LEMisdisappointed Wed 15-May-13 17:56:27

its a jumper/dress for DD, its different coloured wool - was half price in wool shop, its nice. There is some simple block colour things in it, i want to be able to knit her a jumper with a horse on but i can't figure out how to do the colour change without it all falling to bits!

I did say i might go and see DD1 tomorrow though, i sort of wish i didn't as i dont really have the money for the train.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 15-May-13 18:04:31

I could cycle, but its 20 miles confused That would be good exercise though!

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 15-May-13 18:18:24

I once knitted a jumper with a poppy field on it - am amazed I even finished it - then I thought never again! now I stick to interesting textures, stich patterns, and shapes. Some people are brilliant at that sort of knitting - intarsia is it called? - maybe you could find a vid on-line or ask on Crafts board.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 15-May-13 18:23:00

PS How long would it take you to cycle? (answer for me - too scared to cycle really blush - am physical coward) and what's the route like? - round here we have lots of cycle paths because we used to have lots of branch line railways, but we also have lots of hilly roads.

SnowyMouse Wed 15-May-13 18:24:00

Thanks for the hugs and good wishes, I can't keep up with the thread.
I'm going to go and look at the local wellbeing service, maybe tomorrow or Friday. Struggling a bit, but head above water.

Thinking of everyone.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 15-May-13 18:26:51

We are discussing how to manage to get things done, snowy, and how to juggle and prioritse things while still looking after ourselves.

I'll be interested to hear about the wellbeing service, if you feel up to telling it when you've had a look.

Evening all.

So much to catch up on I'm not sure where to start.

Vicar You are sounding so strong but I am also sensing that you are beginning to weaken again...sending you huge hugs to try and keep you on an even keel rather than a downward spiral. How is DS? Are you happy with the way that the formalities are progressing?

LEM Way to go with the hall! As others have said I think that a couple of months arrears with an open discussion about repayment will work in your favour. Banks loose out so much on repossession in fees, and low sale value that you really have to owe them more than a few hundred quid to make it worth them starting repossession proceedings.

Nana Wishing that the HM forgets his passport once again.

Bassett You've scared me with the equal time to get better thing....My meltdown followed 18m+ of major stressors....I can't take that long to get better....its a bit scary to see that it has already been 7months actually...

CiQ Love those quotes. I definitely find that starting a job....kick starts the motivation. The problem I have at the mo is that I can only get started with the tasks I want to do, rather than the ones that need to be done IYSWIM. The tasks I want to do are often heavy duty tasks so by the time I have done them I have exhausted myself...catch 22....

Waves to everyone else.

so....me.

I actually had a fab day yesterday. I really struggled in the morning. REALLY struggled. I slept for 4hrssolid. Got myself out of bed before DTDs came home and then turned my day around. I did 3 loads of washing. A DW load. Put the rubbish out. Had some chilling time.

I felt "functional". I felt able to motivate myself to do stuff.

Then I had a lot of wine.

Today I still couldn't walk in a straight line when I got up so I slept the morning away. I have been out of bed and on the wii since though. Done a DW load.

As for my PGCE. I have been on leave for a year now. Initially I was off due to a bereavement. I did go back in Oct but managed 10 days before having a complete meltdown and being signed off with stress.

In theory I have 6 weeks of a placement to do and an essay. That is all. But it is sooooo demanding. It is 6 weeks of 18hr days.

I think I am getting there. I take on more at Brownies to try and prove to myself that I can do it and then I have another collapse. I just don't know how I can do it. I just don't know how I will know when I am ready to make a decision. I can't do this indefinitely. I have no income. XP wants me to finish buying him out of the house but I can't take the mortgage on in my own name because of student status. Everything is just one big mess which isn't being resolved whilst I sit around doing nothing....

Lots of xposts.....go for the knitting. I find crochet very therapeutic...

LEMisdisappointed Wed 15-May-13 19:04:13

TSP - its a lovely cycle, along the beach!! pretty flat on the way there - ive checked though and its actually 28 miles along that path shock I've done it a few times, one way! I am not going to cycle tomorrow though because DD says there wont really be anywhere safe for me to put the bike - its likely to be stolen. It usually takes me about 2.5 hours at a steady pace - i don't do full pelt! It depends if the wind is behind me, its funny, its very "in and out" in terms of bays etc so can see the destination and you end up going into yet another bay - its hard work. I usually cycle and get train back.

DD said we can watch some films and she will do my nails as we are both broke - it should be a nice day, im stressed about getting there, i have to go by train and of course, trains are my "thing" now. I will be ok once im on it, its just when it is coming into the station that freaks me out - even when im well hmm I haven't seen my DD for ages though, especially on my own so it might be nice to spend some time together.

Snowy i hope you find you need at teh wellbeing centre.

Ed - could you maybe put brownies on hold when you do your placement? That way you will have more time? It does sound an awful lot though - 18 hours day would KILL me!

NanaNina Wed 15-May-13 19:19:18

Sorry not much empathy from me as another crap day. My CPN came this afternoon but wasn't much help, she seemed tired and said maybe this was just a 2 day blip - oh god that word "blip" - I heard it so much when I was in hospital. She did say that everybody says they forget the bad days when they are ok and vice versa. She is coming to see me next Friday when I am back from Ireland, and is going to talk to the pysch about possibly increasing the mirtazapine.

I am mega anxious about going to Ireland. I feel so sick and can't eat and am so scared of crying in the airport but worse still, not being able to be "ok nanny" to my grandchildren, who are used to me playing silly games with them etc. I fear I will have to hide away in the bedroom. The house will be full of relatives and friends on Sat for my grandson's first communion, so no-one will miss me if I slip away. Scared I won't make the church as it is 10.00 am and that is my very worse time.
Oh sorry I am just going round and round in circles.

So sorry Lem about the financial problems - my worries about Ireland must seem nothing in comparison. I am fairly sure though that so long as you are paying off the arrears added to a monthly repayment you should be safe.

Hello to everyone.

Bassett I will PM you.

Glabella Wed 15-May-13 19:22:30

LEM and Silvery I knit too, although I am in the middle of a seed stitch kindle case that is taking forever with all the knits and purls and I am finding it hard to focus.

Today is a bit of a rubbish day, only made it downstairs at 3pm, then lasted until 5 before feeling exhausted and anxious and retreating back up to bed. But that meant I got some time playing with my daughter, sat in the garden for a bit and cooked lunch. smile

I am not managing to get anything done really, I find even when I do have motivation I lose concentration halfway through and forget what I was doing, or give up halfway, leaving the washing half unloaded or the fresh cup of tea to go cold in another room. Its frustrating.

bassetfeet Wed 15-May-13 19:33:52

Apologies to anyone affected by my misguided quote from my doctor re time for recovery being equal to time it took to get ill .
It was made to me as I was deluded to think one week sick would mend me. A wake up call I think in that I was barely functioning at that point.

But I do stand by his point in some ways . The reality [to me anyway] is that anxiety started say a year earlier and you just get on with life,cope and tell yourself off .......then it starts the insomnia ......the negative thoughts ....the crying ........the depression ..........meltdown .

I agree with him. It took me the same time to get back to the place I was before [with scars]. But there is progress in that year that gets you back to functioning 100% again.

So long before that time scale is up you will be getting motivated again and back at work / sleeping better etc . Like an upward graph line following the down one. So dont take the timescale from your crisis . This evil illness is sneaky and the start of it wont have crossed our radar as busy women . The timescale started long before we allowed ourselves to acknowledge something was very wrong .

Of course we can be back at work and sorting hearth and home sooner than that message seems to say . Just we will be a bit vulnerable for a while yet . And wiser and more caring for ourselves

Make changes and carry with us what we have learned xxx

Hope this makes sense and very sorry indeed for upset .

LEMisdisappointed Wed 15-May-13 19:37:13

Glabella, plese don't worry about getting things done - you need to rest, then when you are all rested up, you can tell me about the seed stitch and kindle case - now theres an idea :-) I know exactly what you mean about half done jobs, i can start loading the dishwasher and even leave the thing half open, load the washing machine, half do it - go and sit down, wonder wtf i was doing in the kitchen, end up washing the rest of the stuff by hand blush

Nana - when i was well, i sobbed in the airport because i was scared of getting on the plane, the staff were wonderful and gave me the option to get on first or last, i wanted to get on with everyone else. At the time i used bach;'s rescue remedy, would that help? I know its not the plane and lets face it we are all pretty well drugged up, but i do find that soetimes works for incidental anxiety. Please try not to worry, it will be fine and you will have a lovely time - sending you a huge hug xxx With regards to our money worries, its anoher thing in a long line of money shite, im used to it, it will sort itself out, always does.

Love to everyone - leaning on this thread today

Glabella Wed 15-May-13 19:59:15

I feel a little better already- decided to stay upstairs with DP tonight and relax a little, and not feel guilty for hiding for a while. My dad brought me a glass of his extra special armagnac (older than me!) and a tray of nibbles instead of having to go down and pretend to be normal for dinner.

LEM the kindle case is just a sock thing to keep it from getting scratched in my bag, but its a lovely rich blue graduated wool and does look lovely even if I do say so myself. Just have to actually get the bloody thing finished, then I can start another of the many projects I keep browsing on ravelry.

SnowyMouse Wed 15-May-13 20:09:43

I like knitting too - I made a cabled iPad sleeve for my iPad - perhaps I should sort something to do now.

I'm glad you're getting some time to yourself, Glabella

LEMisdisappointed Wed 15-May-13 20:24:35

ooh, fancy sharing some of that armagnac glabella? So so pleased your parents are looking after you. They must be so proud of you, you know - I would certainly be happy for you to be my doctor one day!

basset - i think your doctor was probably right, although i can recognise that i have probably suffered from some form of anxiety since i was about 14 lol i don't fancy another 20 years to get well grin But yes, it takes time and we do expect to get better too quickly, but i find its worse from other people, both my DM and DP can't understand why i am not "over it" by now.

Hi everyone,
wow its been a busy day on here!
LEM so impressed about your hall!!! Seriously impressive. I had the radio on when I was doing jobs this morning and it def helped (even tho it was radio 2 - I am now officially middle-aged). Was going "aaaahh" when I read about the dogs though smile. Really hope you manage the train and it sounds like you'll have a lovely time with your dd.

Ed I know what you mean about not being motivated for certain things. On better days - like today - I manage to bribe myself to do a boring job for say 30 mins on mumsnet etc... Good to hear you had a good pm yesterday. That sounds tricky re: PGCE and mortgage. I do know that we can't predict the good days and I'm sure there will come a day in the not too distant future when you can make that decision.

Glabella so glad to hear you're getting lots of rest and tlc. Don't worry about only doing a v small amount. When I was bad I could only function in front of kids/dp for a couple of hours a day... now I can usually last out til 6 or sometimes longer grin

Nana bloody HM. Increase in mirt sounds like worth a thought. I really hope you manage on the plane and once you're there you don't have to be amazing nan all the time - just an hour here or there is all that's needed.

snowy seriously impressive knitting! Sounds like a good idea for an activity for now. LEM and SPC too! What a creative lot we are!

Basset don't worry about upsetting. Your explanation was helpful and as you say its and upward curve all the time.

I got a half an hour walk in with my dad, shared lunch out, did school run, took DD to physio who is really pleased with her progress, home, cooked dinner and am now back on the sofa. Phew busy day. But bizarre how much better than yesterday!

bassetfeet Wed 15-May-13 20:40:57

Nina my pc or my idiot self is playing silly buggers . My replies are going into the ether before I have finished re pm.
will try again later and hope you got at least one reply cut off mid sentence re other stuff.

You will be cope lovely . You will . And if it gets too much then retire to your room and tell folk you are unwell . Feverish ,tummy trouble ,arthritis playing up ........anything you want to say . The grandchildren will have lots of company so dont feel bad about not being fun nanny this visit .
lots of cold water and deep breathing slowly .....something to fiddle with in your pocket [I use my keys]. If panicky in the church find something like one of the windows or architecture to examine minutely

And one good tip if going to cry is to press your tongue to the roof of your mouth. Give enough time to escape to loo or outside XX

We are all with you lovely Nina on your shoulder .

will answer your pm later and try again !!

Catmint Wed 15-May-13 22:37:56

Hi everyone, just dropping in to say hi really.

I have noticed that normal anxiety level ratchets up to full blown dread just before a period. Never realised that before....now I don't know what to do about it.

Anyway, back on a more even keel again, now and thinking of you all. Xxx

Catmint Wed 15-May-13 22:42:07

I forgot to say, I wrote a really long post in response to someone asking me my back story a couple of weeks ago I think it was. And then I lost the post and just gave up as I had no energy to go through it all again, and for some reason I was really embarrassed even though no one would even have known, of course. So I kinda abandoned this thread for a bit, but I have missed you all and felt really guilty.

I hope you are all doing well. I am off to bed but I will update myself soon xx

Catmint Wed 15-May-13 22:58:33

Vicar, this is for you really, I had 6 months off work with depression about 8 years ago

We were all re graded for our jobs at a boot camp, literally the week of my return. I was told that adjustment would be made but it wasn't and I was assessed as being not good enough for the role.

. I came back from it, by spending a year producing evidence of my work and skills, including being observed and having my work assessed. Luckily a few key people believed in me when I did not believe in myself.

I have since taken on other roles in my organisation. I have been promoted. I am respected. But there are still some horrible people there who remember, and I know they remember because they let me know it. And they judge me.

Other people at work supported me and saw that mental illness was the problem not my skill and talent. Those people have my loyalty forever. I work in a large value-led organisation which got things very wrong back then, but I think they are a bit better now.

Anyway, after that rant, I think my point is that even if people know why you were off, remember that you were ill, not weak. You are strong to go back. Do not let others stigmatise you, all of us who have had MH problems have had insights into ourselves that some people are too shallow to ever have and in some ways they are the poorer for it. It is their problem, not yours. Xx

Promise I am to bed now.

Hi catmint nice to hear from you. Dont worry abou