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I've just written suicide notes

(28 Posts)
Alphabetbites Thu 02-May-13 13:31:14

I've NC for this. I've just written suicide notes.

I cheated on DH, years ago. I can't live with the guilt anymore. I can't tell him because he'll leave me and then he'll be hurting. Equally I can't not tell him because I'm deceiving him into staying with me.

My mental health is deteriorating and it has been for a while. I've not seen anyone about it because I thought I could cope but I can't.

The only way out of this is to go. I've told him in the note but I can't bring myself to tell him whilst I'm still alive.

Now I just need to decide if I go through with it. I don't even know the best way to do it.

I never thought it'd come to this. Not really sure why I'm posting.

smoothieooo Thu 02-May-13 13:33:31

Alpha - please, please phone the Samaritans. Please.

Why do you think DH will leave you for something that happened years ago?

Roopoo Thu 02-May-13 13:34:11

Please dont do anything to hurt yourself.
Im sure others will be here with wiser words but im here til they arrive.
Im depressed and not in a good place but ending it is never the right decision honestly.

JustGiveMeFiveMinutes Thu 02-May-13 13:35:24

Please phone the Samaritans now.

There are worse things than having a fling.

Suicide would be a very permanent solution to a temporary problem.

FearlessFanny Thu 02-May-13 13:35:56

I can't read and not post, but hopefully someone who is better at this than me will come along in a minute.

There must be a better way here. Please please don't do this. Telling your husband must be a better option than killing yourself. Sending {{{hugs}}}

Roopoo Thu 02-May-13 13:37:00

Yes ring Samaritans.
Sometimes the people we love surprise us. Tell your husband.

Sirzy Thu 02-May-13 13:37:20

I agree please phone samaritans or someone else who can help you.

You say that him finding out about the affair would hurt him, but I am sure finding out your dead would hurt him an awful lot more.

Alphabetbites Thu 02-May-13 13:40:00

Gosh, thank you all for your replies.

He definitely will leave me, it's a deal breaker for him. I was aware of this at the time.

I'm at work right now (on my own, not helping my mood to be honest) so I can't call the samaritans yet but I've put their number in my phone.

What will they do?

FearlessFanny Thu 02-May-13 13:40:01

Samaritans are on 08457 90 90 90 . Please ring.

LemonPeculiarJones Thu 02-May-13 13:40:15

The hurt your DH will feel if he has to deal with this new information on top of your death would be immeasurably, horribly worse.

OP we are all fallible. If I found out my DH had cheated on me many years ago I would be furious but I might forgive him. Even if it ended our relationship I would always want him in the world, alive, well.

There are always options - do you have anyone to talk to in RL?

You can get through this. We all make mistakes. You need to get some support - to work through these feelings. Your GP would be a good first place to go.

flowers

sooperdooper Thu 02-May-13 13:40:34

Please call the Samaritans, here's their number, please pickup the phone and speak to someone, and then you can speak to someone about your mental health problems - you can get through this, what happened was years ago, you don't have to do anything to hurt yourself

Please call UK: 08457 90 90 90

hexagonal Thu 02-May-13 13:40:47

you don't want to hurt your husband, but think how he will feel when he finds you. would he prefer the pain of knowing the truth or knowing you did this because you felt you couldn't tell him?

Alphabetbites Thu 02-May-13 13:48:46

I'm still here, I'm going for a cry in the loo (don't want a client to catch me).

I'll be back in a bit. Thank you all, I won't do anything daft, I promise.

You're right, this is not the way to deal with the problem.

I will call the samaritans too.

Isabeller Thu 02-May-13 13:48:55

It sounds as if you are bearing a heavy burden to protect someone you love. I hope you can find the strength to pick up the phone to the Samaritans or GP. It is possible that this dark time will pass. xx Is

Sirzy Thu 02-May-13 13:51:07

Is there any way you can get out of work and go home or to the GP to try to get help?

SnowyMouse Thu 02-May-13 13:51:22

Good luck with your phone call, you can do it.

Roopoo Thu 02-May-13 13:54:40

Good Luck ringing the Samaritans.
Sometimes that first step is the hardest.

Wishiwasanheiress Thu 02-May-13 14:02:35

Is there any chance he knew or guessed pr wondered at some point but chose to stay?

Talk to Samaritans as they are fab. Aldo see GP. If u have depression it could be this in control, not what u did, if that makes any sense?

hexagonal Thu 02-May-13 14:14:16

good luck OP. If you go to the GP but find it hard to talk about, you can just print out your post and hand it to them to read. I did that and it really helped.

LEMisdisappointed Thu 02-May-13 14:25:34

Good Luck OP - Do talk to the samaritans, they will listen and not judge you. They will also be able to recommend counsellors in your area, however you can also be referred by your GP, you do not have to tell your GP what has caused you to feel so bad, but i don't want to frighten you but you are at risk, you have gone quite a long way down that line - planning, writing notes. You need a strategy to keep you safe, i speak from experience - you have made the first step in the right direction by posting here. You have the Samiritans number on your phone and you can call them anytime - post here if it helps (it helped me)

FWIW - I don't think you should tell your DH, at least don't tell him now, not before you have had counselling and really got your head straight. Its in the past - I just would not want to know if my DP had done this, so long as anything that happened is over, then I'd raather be ignorant to it.

It was very brave of you to post this today - please know that people love you and would be devestated beyond measure if you were to do anything. My cousin commited suicide, his son and his brother found him - his brother ended up dying of a heroin overdose (dont know if it was suicide or accident) after living a terrible life and his son has serious MH issues to this day. He was one of six siblings and it devestated the whole family, long term, even now - 30 years later.

Alphabetbites Thu 02-May-13 15:24:38

LEM I'm so sorry about your cousin.

Thank you all so much. My head hurts.

I don't think he's guessed. I can't leave work for another hour, then I'm going for dinner with the Inlaws (DH is away at the moment) and I can't pull out of that. I'll call the samaritans tonight when I get in. I won't do anything stupid in the meantime, I promise.

I do have a counsellor I can speak to. I don't have an appointment until June though. I might try to make one earlier.

This issue consumes my every waking moment for 1 week each month, yup, you've guessed it - at that time of the month. The rest of the time I can push it to the back of my mind and get on with being the best wife I can be.

I've shredded the notes. I think in a way it helped to write them.

Please don't.
If PMT is making your mental health worse (and I get that) can you try to get some hormonal contraception sorted to get rid of it? I'm on Yasmin for PMT and my life is so much better.
This is a leap - but did you cheating have anything to do with your mental health? I'm thinking bipolar high or similar? Even if it didn't, please consider coming clean, if he knows it is making you suicidal he may be more sympathetic. Telling him would have repercussions but at least you wouldn't feel suicidal about keeping the secret xxx

Couldn't read and run.

Please ring your counsellor - tell them what you have told us, and say you NEED an appointment as soon as possible.

Alphabetbites Thu 02-May-13 15:35:25

I'm on Yasmin too ehric

I think I cheated because he showed me attention and I have such low self-esteem, I acted up on it because it made me feel good.

Of course, all it's actually done is make my self-esteem worse.

Hand on my heart, I know he wouldn't be sympathetic. He'd probably hand me a rope to be honest.

toffeelolly Thu 02-May-13 15:42:48

Alpha please do not do anything like this, Please lift the phone and ring sombody , and tell them what you have told us.

Kveta Thu 02-May-13 15:45:24

hope you manage to call samaritans today.

FWIW, I was on Yasmin about 8 years ago, and was suicidal at the time - came off it at the same time as receiving counselling and going on to citalopram, but I seem to recall that some hormonal contraceptives are associated with depression, so it may be worth investigating that?

Alphabetbites Fri 03-May-13 09:01:11

Just wanted to let you know I'm still here wink

I won't commit suicide - to be honest, I don't think I have the guts to go through with it.

I'm going to discuss with DH coming off hormanal contraceptives completely, even if we don't TTC, which I don't think is a great idea until I get my mental health sorted. I just can't keep on feeling like this. This is the third pill I've been on now and there is a pattern - I get to 5 years and I feel terrible so maybe it could be linked to yasmin. I'll have a chat with my GP.

Thank you all so much xx

Glad to hear that you're still here!

I think maybe it is wise to come off hormonal contraceptives for a while, give your body a rest from it. It took me 4 different pills (now on Cerazette) before I found one that didn't turn me into a raving loon. I also think it's very wise not to TTC until your mental health is better. There are many other types of contraception!

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